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Thread: The Haunted House

  1. #1
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    Default The Haunted House

    Name: The Haunted House (working title)
    Author: Flame Mistress
    Rating: PG-13 for some fake gore that comes with almost all haunted houses
    Pairing: Morty x Whitney
    Notes: This was originally supposed to be a drabble, but it went over the limit, so I'm posting it here. It's a dare from Skiyomi, if my memory's correct. It was slightly rushed, and I'm not expecting any compliments for it, it's just a dare that I intended to finish.

    ~~~~~~~~~~

    Whitney hated ghosts. Full stop.*

    Which is why she tried to convince Morty that entering one of those haunted houses in funfairs was a little kid's thing, especially when you were out on a date celebrating your girlfriend's birthday, but he wouldn't have any of it.*

    "Oh, come on, Whitney," Morty said, as they faced the dreaded haunted house (or "Mismagius's Mysterious Mansion", more precisely). "It'll be fun! And it will just have some zombie and vampire dolls, nothing else. It won't be that scary, I promise."

    "But still!" Whitney whined, but it was too late; Morty had already grabbed one of her arms and dragged her to the entrance. Promptly ignoring the squealing attendant, who had rushed out of the paying booth, he dragged his complaining girlfriend into the building. The wooden doors shut behind them with a dull thud, leaving the two of them in total darkness.*

    "I'm scared," Whitney whimpered,clutching Morty's left arm tightly.*

    Suddenly, a glass box on their left lit up, revealing the gruesome figures of a severely wounded Zangoose, with its guts trailing out of its stomach, screaming a silent plea for help, and a Seviper, with its mouth wide open, showing its bloody fangs that, ready to strike the Zangoose again. But the thing that was most gruesome about the Seviper was that actual blood was dripping from its fangs. Whitney cried out and, sobbing, hid behind Morty, who put an arm around her protectively.*

    "Don't worry, Whitney, it-it's only a joke, it's not real," he said, stroking Whitney's hair.*

    The box containing the two Pokémon darkened, only for another one to lit up immediately after that. Inside it was a bleeding Banette, sprawled on the ground with one of its arms detached from its body. Next to it were the words "Why did you abandon me?" written in blood. This time, Whitney screamed, squeezing her eyes. Even Morty jumped, and he was used to this kind of stuff - his Pokémon pulled pranks like this all the time. But this was something else entirely.*

    "Morty, I wanna go out," Whitney cried.*

    "Yeah," Morty replied, gulping, and rushed off to the exit - only to find it locked. In a frenzy, he ran back to the entrance, only to find it shut tight as well. "It's not budging," Morty yelled, making Whitney wail.*

    The light from the second box faded, and was then replaced with two zombie-like Pokémon, a chainsaw and a battle axe in their hands respectively, clashing against each other. Upon closer inspection, Morty and Whitney could see that the two Pokémon in the glass box were Gengar and Clefable, and that they were covered in scars, bruises, and lots of blood - Whitney immediately shrieked, and staggered, leaving the also terrified Morty to catch her.*

    All of a sudden, the light dimmed, plunging the couple into darkness once again. They clutched each other for comfort, shuddering in fright. The lights soon came back on, but this time every light within the boxes lit up - revealing the alive and moving figures of the Pokémon.*

    The Zangoose's strained voice was a mixture of pain, terror and agony, and it kept on screaming as the Seviper continued to rip its intestines out viciously; the Banette was twitching on the ground, trying to move in vain, and its dull, echoing moans reached the ears of the couple, who flinched. The Gengar and Clefable sprung into action, their weapons leaving even more wounds on each other as they screeched and grunted with anger and fury in their voices. Morty and Whitney covered their ears, trying to block out the horrid noise, but to no avail; the screams and moans passed right through their hands as if they didn't even exist.*

    Without warning, all the Pokémon sprang out of their boxes, and formed a circle around the petrified Gym Leaders. "You made us suffer," the Zangoose hissed, and the others grunted along with it as well. "You will pay. Now."

    And with that, the five Pokémon began to close in on Morty and Whitney. Terrified, the two clung on to each other, wrapping their arms around each other as if it was the last time they'd ever touch each other again. As they stood a mere six inches away from them, the Gengar and the Clefable raised their weapons above their heads, the Zangoose sharpened its claws, the Seviper bared its fangs, and the Banette started to unzip his mouth.*

    "I love you," Whitney whispered desperately, closing her eyes.*

    "Me too," Morty replied, shutting his eyes as well.*

    Then when they thought it was all over -

    "HA!" a voice laughed, and all of a sudden the room was filled with a bright light. The couple snapped their eyes open, and realised that the Pokémon had now disappeared, and standing in the Zangoose's place was a Zoroark. "Foolish humans!" he snickered. "You all fell for it! Ha! Ha!"

    "W-what, so, i-it was all a j-joke?" Morty stammered, wrapping one arm around Whitney's shoulders just in case it wasn't a joke after all. The Zoroark laughed again, and nodded. "An illusion," the Zoroark replied. He shifted into a bloody Zangoose, the same one that had been in the glass box. "All an illusion."

    Morty and Whitney stared blankly at one another, but before they could say anything, the Zoroark spoke up again, clearing his throat.*

    "Anyway, thank you for visiting Mismagius's Mysteious Mansion, although there were no Mismagiuses in this attraction at all, so the name is pretty much moot," the Zoroark continued, ignoring Morty's venomous glares. He pressed a button on the wall, and the exit doors swung open, revealing the outside world. "Goodbye, and come again! We hope you enjoyed your stay!" With that, the Illusion Fox Pokémon disappeared.*

    "See? I told you it was an illusion," Morty said, weakly laughing. "Only an illusion, only a joke. Nothing to be worried about, not at all. See? Now everything's a lot better."

    Whitney pretended to laugh, then narrowed her eyes and, storming out of the house, said "we're over."

  2. #2
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    XD I cracked up so much at that last line. That'll teach Morty for trying to get some cheap fear hugs. Mwahahahaha.

    I really enjoyed this particularly the ending. Nice work!

  3. #3
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    First off, before I continue, I noticed that the writing is a LOT better from your first one last year. Also, I can totally pick out a style in here, it was easier to this time. This is a really good sign, so I hope to see more and more from you.

    Okay, another thing is you still have asterisks at the end of the sentences except for when it was the closing quotation. I believe you mentioned you write on your phone. While not necessarily a bad thing, especially if you have a spell-check available, the asterisks are rather distracting. You can remove them before posting the thread if the program you're using does that automatically. It should work then.

    I didn't see any mistakes except for this:

    Quote Originally Posted by Flame Mistress View Post
    Seviper, with its mouth wide open, showing its bloody fangs that, ready to strike the Zangoose again.
    That's incomplete. Either add something to the end of "that", or get rid of "that" entirely.

    Oh, and there's also this:

    "I love you," Whitney whispered desperately, closing her eyes.*

    "Me too," Morty replied, shutting his eyes as well.*
    So Morty loves himself, eh X3? Lol, a common mistake when writing it out, and even when spoken out-loud, which is why close couples and other people poke fun of it. I suggest changing that to "I love you, too".

    Though it makes me wonder why Morty would be frightened of something like that at first. Whitney I can see, despite her tom-boyish attitude, but Morty seems to be the kind of guy who's all "Seen it". Of course, the ending makes sense for him to react like that, it's just the middle part that seems a bit out-of-character to me.

    And also, holy COW that's graphic for fake gore. That's nearly R-rated material there o_o. I that's PG-14-15 material there if it was real.

    The ending's great, Whitney's just so brash about it XD. Of course, I'd yell at a guy too if he made me go to a place I didn't want to go.

    Nice work, Flame Mistress! Keep it up!
    Winner of Best Pokémon/Pokémon Fic of 2013 in the Shipping Oscars
    Current Chapter: Chapter Ten - 3/17/14 / Current: Last Chance - 11/3/11 - Chapter 20 progress: 75%
    I survived Pupa.

  4. #4
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    I liked it, I thought it was funny. One thing I didn't understand was what all the *'s were there for, unless it's a formatting thing. I think what made it really funny was the last line and the way Whitney reacted with Morty being a monkey.


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