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Thread: Pokémon Hunting and Investigating Squad (PHIS)

  1. #1
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    Default Pokémon Hunting and Investigating Squad (PHIS)

    It's been a long time since I last decided to write a fanfic. I feel like I should be more active on SPPF but considering I am not that good in competitive battling, I might as well start my interactions with SPPF members through writing. Although English is not my native tongue, it's my favourite language and I hope that critiques provided here can assist me in improving my English proficiency.

    Here I present you my story named Pokémon Hunting and Investigating Squad, abbreviated simply as PHIS.

    Something to bear in mind about this fiction:

    1- Axiomatically, this fiction I am about to present you is NOT CANON to the Official Pokémon Timeline.

    2- This fiction is inspired by a video game known as Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3, as it is one of my favourite video games. Although it is not a cross-over, you might find some references here and there.

    3- I wish to receive critiques pertaining my writing (both positive or negative if possible). Positive feedback can give me motivation to keep on expressing my world to all of you through words. On the other hand, negative reviews given is synonymous with lending me a hand in improving. As aforementioned, my English level is not that outstanding as English is not my native tongue. However, I refuse to consider that as a hindrance to improving myself, which is why your feedback plays a significant role in my fiction.

    4- All important keywords will be written in blue. If you wish to acquire extra information regarding these terms, kindly read the explanations given in the Keywords section after every chapter.

    5- Despite the fact that I aim to improve myself, please know that nobody in this world is perfect. I might unintentionally make careless mistakes here and there without me noticing, kindly point out if any is found. I shall attempt to edit these mistakes ASAP. Also, I do not wish to receive any perfunctory comments like "lol u suck" or "this fic is terrible" without any textual evidence as well as analysis.

    6- Due to the way I was raised as well as the people around me in real life, I am more used to British English than I am American English. Therefore, this fiction will be written in British English.

    7- Bringing the entire length of the fiction into consideration, I have decided that only the first 151 Pokémon will be included in this story. This action should in no way be regarded as a type of gen-hating mentality or other similar issues.

    8- This fiction is rated PG14 as it has mild swears as well as inappropriate contents/words for children.

    9- Anything new to point out or updates (if any) will be added here as well as in the beginning of the next chapter.

    CHAPTER 1: Otherworldly Labyrinth I


    December 10th (W)
    Beads of liquid drip from the stalactites hung above the innermost cave of Otherworldly Labyrinth, gradually and unsteadily, their echoes conspicuously audible. The cave is stained with a quiet, dark atmosphere. There are no NPAs wandering about. The surrounding of the cave feels completely motionless, with the dripping droplets as an exception.

    “This is the place, definitely.” Zackry’s words to the team pierces through the silence.

    “So this is where we are about to face the most powerful NPA, huh?” Rayla replies, staring straight ahead.

    The rest of the team prepares their weapons as well as their own PCR. All the trainings they have been through over the last few months are all meant for this upcoming battle. Although fear lingers in the team's hearts, it's do or die now, no two ways about it. That’s why they have decided to pour it on and give in their utmost effort.

    “It is probable that this will be our last battle, let’s give in everything we’ve got!”

    Zackry shouts to galvanise PHIS. The team returns with a high-spirit cheer. And with that, they approach the final mouth of the cave. Upon entrance, they’re greeted with a change of scenery. The room is fully purple-themed, the walls radiance in bright neon purple. Rays of white, sometimes bright red, spiral around the ground, giving it a circle-ish decoration, an appropriate design for a battlefield.

    “Finally here, huh?” A voice comes out from the deeper side of the room.

    Zackry stares at the direction the voice came from. With the bright surrounding, he sees his opponent clearly. A white feline stands stationary on its two sizable legs with a long, purple tail sprouting out from the lower part of its body. Its colour contrasts with the other parts of its body. A tube extends from the back of its skull to the top of its spine, bypassing its neck. So this… is the most powerful Pokemon ever in existence. Mewtwo.

    “To be honest, it’s a honour to meet you, all of you.” Mewtwo says to the team.

    All teammates get into their battle stance, fully prepared for the final confrontation.

    “You managed to control your Pokemon so well, so perfectly, so magnificently. And with that, you have overcome all the subsequent obstacles one by one. You even downed the three Legendary Birds, the three elites chosen as the Guardians of the Otherworldly Labyrinth, and with your PCR, summon their power.”

    Mewtwo’s pair of purple eyes turns to red, at the same time, purplish orbs conjure around it.

    “Your potential is worth investigating!”

    Mewtwo roars as it sends the purplish orbs straight ahead, aiming at the team.

    _____________________________

    April 7th (M)
    Zackry rises from his slumber. He lazily rubs his drowsy eyes as he stretches his body, ready for another day of school. He washes himself up in the washroom, the mirror reflecting his regular handsome face, his spiky dark-blue hairstyle which seems tidy despite the fact that he has just woken up, As always, he leaves the DIU for school with a confident smirk marked on his face.

    Zackry Nevend, a 16-year old high school junior, eleventh grade, is one of the most popular students in Aluray High School. His excellency in academics allows him to pass exams with flying colours without much hindrance, easily winning the hearts of the diligent and intelligent female schoolmates of his. On the other hand, he also shows superb talent when it comes to sports, constantly presenting exceptional performances especially in badminton. All these merits in conjunction with his positive, kind nature can almost make a girl instantly fall for him.

    Invariably, a day of school has passed. Zackry stuffs his things into his limited edition red sling bag. He rises from his seat, slinging his bag and glances at his crystal-blue watch worn on his right wrist, both hands pointing 1.

    “Time to go… It’s Monday today so it’s not like I have anything to do after school.” Zackry murmurs to himself. Usually, Zackry has a hectic schedule due to his role as the head of the library committee as well as the captain of the badminton club, and has always been required to stay back after school. Monday and Friday are the only days he can have some leisure time to unwind.

    As he steps out of the school entrance, several of female schoolmates swarm towards him.

    “Hey! It’s Zackry!” shouts Student A.

    “You’re right!” Student B follows as well.

    “Hey Zackry, wanna hang out with us?” Student C asks enthusiastically.

    Zackry continues to walk, ignoring the girls.

    One of Zackry’s demerits, however, is his inability to comprehend others’ feelings, especially girls. He is also, to a certain degree, unsociable. He only converses with his close friends, and normally hesitates to talk to newly-introduced acquaintances as well as unfamiliar classmates. He always indulges his after school sprees in either library duties or badminton practice, which he only does with company of his close friends. In spite of that, he can be quite active during classes, always raising his hand for inquiries as well as answering puzzling questions.

    With nothing more productive to do for the day, he simply wanders around the Aluray Shopping Complex (ASC) and then returns to the DIU.

    Zackry’s parents died since he was five,and no one is actually knowledgeable about the genuine reason for their deaths up to this point. They are considered to be suicides, according to a police officer somehow related to this case. Before their deaths, they were well-known scientists in the Biology field, they’d experimented on umpteen species of animals and plants and have always come up with logical and acceptable conclusions. Their publications have always received positive feedbacks, as well as their careers as biologists.

    What was not known to the public was, Zackry’s parents also worked secretly and confidentially in an experimental institute named Pocket Monsters Experimental Institute (PMEI). This place is in the basement of the Nevends’s old mansion and is dedicated to experimenting and understanding the true nature of the creatures labelled Pocket Monsters. April 7th 2003, exactly 11 years ago, they were reported dead for reasons unknown. The forensics could not find anything wrong with them and they were considered dead by committing suicide somehow, someway. Since the Nevends were wealthy thanks to their successful professions, and given Zackry was the only child of the Nevends, he was bequeathed all the remaining assets rightfully belonged by their deceased parents. That, in addition with the all the scholarships from Zackry’s excellent performance at school, make him a really rich person, although he decides to remain silent about his total amount of money as well as assets.

    At DIU, Zackry finishes off his dinner and goes to bed early. He feels totally lethargic after returning home and just wants to go hit the hay. He sleeps like a log not long after he closes his eyes.

    Zackry opens his eyes, finding himself in a silent, labyrinthine place. Beads of sweat form on Zackry’s head as chills are sent down his spine. Albeit worried, it seems he has no choice but to progress forward based on the shape of the labyrinth.

    A few steps ahead, he is shocked and surprised as he is greeted with a… creature. It’s a red-coloured fox with brown eyes, red-brown pelt, pointed ears. Its distinct characteristic is its six oddly-shaped tails. Zackry hops a few steps back and look around the area. He finds a long stick laying on the ground. He picks it up and gets into a battle stance, similar to when playing badminton.

    “This must be a Pocket Monster.” Zackry says to himself. Although blur, memories pertaining Pocket Monsters still remain in his mind. He knows as his parents had described Pocket Monsters to him before they met their makers. Vaguely, they were depicted as something dangerous.

    The six-tailed Pocket Monster gets wild out of the blue and breathes a scorching fireball towards Zackry. Using the concept of badminton, Zackry manages to hit the fireball back to the creature, although his stick gets burned, rendering it useless. The Pocket Monster becomes enraged and continues to shoot red-hot fireballs at Zackry. Right before the attacks hit, though…

    #END OF CHAPTER 1#

    Keywords Section:
    1- DIU: The Dormitory of the Inadequate or Unfortunate is a dormitory specially built for disabled, homeless, parentless, financially-troubled students as well as others with special insufficiencies, either physically, mentally or both.

    2- Zackry Nevend: The protagonist of PHIS, a 16-year old junior at Aluray High School. Due to his parents’ death, he has been allowed to stay at the DIU along with other orphans or less-fortunate ones.

    3- ASC: Also known as Aluray Shopping Complex, is a shopping complex located nearby Aluray High School and the DIU. It is always seen crowded with Aluray High School students.

    4- Aluray: Sometimes referred to as Aluray City. The city where Zackry resides in. This city is always bustling with energy and people going here and there. The population is above average and it has some picturesque sight-seeing spots, making it a good tourist attraction.

    5- Pocket Monsters: Creatures that were being experimented on by Zackry's parents before they died. Many secrets regarding these creatures are still uncertain and not revealed.

    6- Pocket Monsters Experimental Institute: Located below the Nevend mansion more than 10 years ago. Experiments regarding Pocket Monsters were carried out in this spot. It was later abandoned as all the most of the scientists there had perished or due to some other circumstances. There might be still secrets remaining in this place.
    Last edited by Razor Wind; Today at 12:09 PM.


    CLICK TO READ MY FANFICTION NAMED Pokémon Hunting and Investigating Squad (PHIS)

  2. #2
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    CHAPTER 2: Otherworldly Labyrinth II

    Meanwhile, nearby the battle site between Zackry and the six-tailed fox is a girl.

    “What is a human who’s not from our squad doing here? Wait, isn’t that…” The girl mumbles to herself, questioning the true purpose of Zackry being there. “If this keeps up, he will get injured in this place, or maybe even killed by the Pokémon!”

    The six-tailed fox relentlessly shoots out fireballs towards Zackry. Before the attacks hit, though, something miraculous happens. The fox along with the fireballs pause, as if the flow of time has stopped. Zackry, who has instinctively raises his arm in an attempt to block the attack, is surprised to see what has happened. He looks at his finger, and sees something surprising.

    Worn on his right index is a ring. Simple in design, the ring is just a grey-coloured metal-like structure made in the shape of a circle. The unique composition of the ring, though, is the small, rainbow-coloured orb at the centre. The orb radiances an intense, colourful light.

    Zackry touches the ring lightly, seeing what may happen. Upon contact with the ring, the ring gives out waves of uncontrollable, semi-transparent, bright-coloured energy. The force given out eventually combine midair, forming a floating radiant sphere, inside is a long-shaped shadow.

    The energy eventually disperses, and just in front of Zackry is a long, serpentine blue creature. White fins can be seen beside its head, it has a pair of big purple eyes and a big white circle below it, presumably its nose. On its forehead is a little orb-like bump.

    The creature hovers in the air, shooting a few beams of water towards the fireballs, extinguishing them. Time continues to flow now. The six-tailed fox is surprised at the new creature between it and Zackry. Upon brief inspection, the intelligent fox can tell that the serpentine Pocket Monster is on its opponent’s side.

    The fox probably casts a skill on it, as the serpent is covered in few patches of Fire Spinning around it. The creature gets rid of it easily by surrounding itself with a small Whirlpool, after that, it sends the Whirlpool straight ahead towards the fox. It is hit uncompromisingly by the Whirlpool as well as a few Water Guns sprayed by the serpent. Eventually, it falls unconscious.

    “Gasp! Such power! Even just after his awakening!” The girl gasps, astonished. She looks at her oddly-shaped watch like structure. “The Otherworldly Labyrinth will close soon, guess I can’t discuss with him now.”

    “…”

    The defeated fox turns into a red-coloured ray that drifts into Zackry’s ring. The serpent Pocket Monster also returns to the ring in the form of a white ray.

    “Your awakened power combined with mine is quite… fascinating.” Zackry hears a voice.

    “Who’s there?”

    “You cannot see me physically. I am a voice in your head, and I shall be your guidance.”

    “What?” Zackry replies in surprise.

    “Your awakening to the power of the Pocket Monster means you have inaugurated a journey. It will be an arduous and perplexing one. Meanwhile, try to relax, you will understand something by tomorrow.”

    “…” Zackry remains silent, slowly losing consciousness.

    April 8th (Tu)
    Zackry awakens, finding himself in his room in the DIU. Generally, Zackry forgets about all his dreams and nightmares not long after he wakes up. However, this seems odd that Zackry remembers what has happened between it and the fox in his dream clearly. A vivid image of what has occurred is stuck in his head. He recollects even the smallest details regarding it.

    “What is with that dream?” Zackry questions himself. “And why do I still have this on?”

    The ring used to summon the serpentine creature in his dream is still on his finger… what does this imply? Knowing that staying in bed pondering about this won’t help solve the mystery, he rises and proceeds to wash himself. Throughout the day at school, he has been quieter than he usually is. His dream keeps on coming into his fields of thoughts, making him unable to concentrate in his classes.

    It’s finally after school. As usual, he goes on to have a simple lunch at a restaurant nearby the ASC. He normally frequents a chicken rice shop there. The price is dirt cheap and the cuisines are authentic and sumptuous. After lunch, he returns to school to perform his weekly duty as a library committee member.

    Upon entering the library, he is greeted with a female student.

    “Zackry, I presume?” The girl asks knowingly. “I didn’t know you were a Chosen One.”

    “Chosen one?”

    “Yes, and I saw your awakening to your power last night.” The girl replies, giving a smirk.

    “Awakening..? What are you tal-“ Zackry interrupts himself, remembering the voice last night.

    “Your awakening to the power of the Pocket Monster means you have inaugurated a journey. It will be an arduous and perplexing one. Meanwhile, try to relax, you will understand something by tomorrow.”

    “Is this what he… she… or it, I don’t know, meant?” Zackry questions himself in thought. “How does this girl know about my dream last night, anyway?”

    “Confusing, huh?” the girl asks in an enigmatic manner, almost as if she knows what Zackry is thinking.

    “Tell me, what’s with my dream last night?” Zackry demands with a forceful tone.

    “I will tell you… tonight.” The mysterious girl says as she leaves the library. She turns back and look at Zackry out of the sudden.

    “I’m Rayla, by the way. Rayla Premia” She proceeds to leave the library.

    More question marks have hung themselves above Zackry’s head as he thinks more and more about this matter. He tries to focus on his duties, but he is unable to.

    “Tonight…? Will I have the same dream tonight?”

    “Who is this Rayla girl, how does she know about my awakening?”

    “What is the meaning of my awakening, anyway?”

    Nonetheless, he can never get the answers now due to his lack of leads to follow as well as the fact that he’s completely clueless and is a total pea-brain about this matter at this point. His only bet is to wait until his dream tonight, IF he has the same dream, at least.

    His duties today include cleaning the library’s counter and making sure every library machine functions faultlessly. He quickly finishes off his duty and returns to the DIU, feeling rather exhausted, he is out like a light as soon as his head touches the pillow.

    __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ________________________________________________

    Zackry gains consciousness, exactly as he has thought, he’s greeted with the same labyrinthine scenery yesterday. He thinks he is exactly at the place he collapsed in his dream last night.

    “Is this even a dream?” Zackry wonders. At that moment, someone walks up to him.

    “Ra- Rayla?” Zackry asks in surprise.

    She nods, and then opens her mouth.

    “Hey, what’s up?” Rayla gives an optimistic smile, regardless of her surroundings.

    “Tell me… why am I here? How do I leave this place?” Once again, Zackry demands for an explanation.

    “Okay… Okay… Don’t rush me!” Rayla answers in an annoyed manner. “This may seem to be a dream, but it’s not.”

    “What do you mean?”

    “This place is, according to some old scientific reports, called the Otherworldly Labyrinth. This place is full of dangerous Pokémon species labelled as NPAs.”

    “Pokémon? NPA?” Zackry questions curiously.

    “Pokémon is the short form of “Pocket Monsters”, I am sure you are familiar with that term? I mean, your deceased parents used to experiment on them, you know something about it, right?”

    That question takes Zackry off guard, as he doesn’t expect anyone else other than the authorities to acquire such information about his parents’ secret.

    “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone else about this, I respect your privacy.” Rayla promises.

    “These Pokémon… What is the purpose of their existence?”

    “That’s what we need to find out.”

    “We…?”

    “As you are probably aware by now, these wild Pokémon will attempt to attack any human they see in the Otherworldly Labyrinth, no questions asked, like the Vulpix you beat yesterday. They are known as Nefarious Pokémon Adversaries, abbreviated as NPA, and they are our sworn enemies.” Rayla explains as much as she can, although Zackry may not be following her.

    “So basically these NPA thingies are wild Pokémon that attack us?”

    “Correct. However…” Rayla adds. “As I said just now, NPAs can be defeated by the humans who appear in this labyrinth every night. Those who set foot in this labyrinth are known as the Chosen Ones, and they can evoke their own Pokémon to protect themselves from the NPAs, that includes me, you and the others.”

    “Evoke their own Pokémon? How do they do that?” Zackry wonders. Rayla points at the ring worn on Zackry’s finger.

    Pokémon Controlling Rings, or PCR if you would, is a vital equipment for the Chosen Ones to survive in this labyrinth. The Chosen Ones can summon Pokémon using it. Without it, they will be killed by the NPAs here. If they were dead here, they would also be dead in the real world.”

    “Wh… What?” Rayla’s last sentence has really shocked Zackry. “What do you mean by-”

    Before he can finish his sentence, however, it seems an NPA has appeared before them. This is way larger than the previous six-tailed fox, Vulpix, according to Rayla. It is a grey, bipedal, human-shaped NPA with strongly developed arm and leg muscles. Its eyes glimmer in red similarly to the stripes on its arm. Its big gold-black belt rings suspiciousness.

    “Machoke… Look out Zackry, this is a powerful one.” Rayla analyses this newly-seen Pokémon based on its physiques. Machoke looks like it’s about to start attacking them.

    “Dratini!” Zackry instinctively calls out this name, without knowing who or what it is. His PCR shimmers in bright blue, as the serpentine Pokémon comes forth.

    “Gastly, help us!” Rayla summons a Pokémon as well. The evoked creature is a spherical, dark-skinned Pokémon with large eyes and a sizable mouth. This creature is surrounded by purplish gas around it, doubtlessly hazardous.

    Both of them prepare themselves, before the strong NPA ahead.

    #END OF CHAPTER 2#

    Keywords section:
    1- Pokémon: The short form of Pocket Monsters. They only appear in the Otherworldly Labyrinth.

    2- Chosen Ones: These are human beings with special potential, they are able to use the PCR to control and summon Pokémon to defeat the NPAs. Only the Chosen Ones can explore the Otherworldly Labyrinth. However, if a Chosen One dies in battle in the labyrinth, he or she also leaves the real world forever.

    3- Otherworldly Labyrinth: A mysterious labyrinth that appears every night in the dreams of the Chosen Ones. This labyrinth is full of dangerous NPAs. More details will be given in the upcoming chapters.

    4- NPA: Nefarious Pokémon Adversary. An NPA roams about the labyrinth, attacking any human beings in sight uncompromisingly. Upon defeat, they disintegrate. However, if they are killed by the hands of a Rainbow-Orbed Chosen One, or if the Chosen One has a matching type as them, they will join forces with him, allowing him to summon them at will using his PCR. More details will be given in the upcoming chapters.

    5- PCR: Pokémon Controlling Ring is a ring used for the Chosen Ones to evoke Pokémon to protect themselves against the NPAs. All Chosen Ones receive one upon awakening and is to be cherished.

    6- Rayla Premia: A high-school junior who seems to know about the Otherworldly Labyrinth. She is a Poison-typed Chosen One and her initial Pokémon is Gastly. She apparently also knows about Zackry and his parents, too.
    Last edited by Razor Wind; 2nd July 2014 at 1:00 PM.


    CLICK TO READ MY FANFICTION NAMED Pokémon Hunting and Investigating Squad (PHIS)

  3. #3
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    Hey there. Welcome to the forums! It's always nice to see new faces around here.

    I'm not familiar with the Persona series myself, so I don't know how much of what you've come up with here is just cribbed straight from that and how much is yours. We haven't got a ton of insight into the setting yet, but it looks interesting. What I'm most curious about right now is how the whole labyrinth deal interacts with the "real world," so to speak. Why does it exist, and what are the stakes for the battles that take place there? Is there something ~bad~ that's going to happen if the chosen ones don't battle their way through it, for whatever reason? That kind of thing. I'm sure you'll provide more insight into this in future chapters, but it's what I'm most wondering about right now.

    In particular I'm wondering what's up with the pokemon in your setting--are they not as common here as in most canons? If not, then why on earth isn't Zackry immediately able to recognize vulpix and dratini for what they are? If he's at all well educated, I'm not sure how he'd be unfamiliar with them if pokemon are as ubiquitous as they're usually portrayed in canon--that'd be like not recognizing what a dog is when they're one of the most popular pets around.

    However, while you have an interesting premise, there are a couple of things I think could stand to see improvement:

    First of all, your English looks pretty good overall, so congratulations on that. You do have a problem with using words that are technically correct but not quite right for what you'r trying to say, though. This is especially problematic in dialogue. For example, here:

    “This is the place, unmistakably.”
    I get what you're saying, but almost no one would actually use "unmistakably" like that. "Definitely" is more what you would want here.

    Or:

    Albeit fear lingers in the team’s hearts, it is do or die now, no other ways around it.
    Again, while not wrong, this sentence is constructed in such a way that it looks strange to a native speaker (well, I think "albeit" there is outright wrong). Although fear lingers is what most people would say, and you'd tend to use a contraction for "it is." Last, the phrase is most commonly "no way around it." Thus: "Although fear lingers in the team's hearts, it's do or die now, no way around it."

    Unfortunately, there's just no way to get over this kind of problem other than consuming a ton of English media or talking to native speakers so that you start to develop the intuition for how people construct their sentences and the sorts of words they use. In the meantime, it may help to try and find a beta reader who can work with you more closely on these sorts of issues.

    One grammar problem you do consistently have, though, is your tendency to use comma splices. These occur whenever you have two complete sentences joined only by a comma, as here:

    A white feline stands stationary on its two sizable legs with a long, purple tail sprouting out from the lower part of its body, its colour contrasts with the other parts of its body.
    "Its color contrasts..." is a complete sentence, so there needs to be something stronger than just a comma joining it to the sentence before it: a conjunction of some kind, like "and" or "but." Thus: "A white feline stands stationary on its two sizable legs with a long, purple tail sprouting out from the lower part of its body, and its colour contrasts with the other parts of its body." Or you might just make it two sentences instead: " A white feline stands stationary on its two sizable legs with a long, purple tail sprouting out from the lower part of its body. Its colour contrasts with the other parts of its body."

    Zackry’s parents died since he was 5, no one is actually knowledgeable about the genuine reason for their deaths up to this point.
    Same deal here. "Zackry's parents died..." and "No one is actually knowledgeable" are both complete sentences, so you want one of these:

    Zackry’s parents died since he was 5, and no one is actually knowledgeable about the genuine reason for their deaths up to this point.
    Zackry’s parents died since he was 5. No one is actually knowledgeable about the genuine reason for their deaths up to this point.
    Also, that'd be his parents died when he was five. If you wanted to use "since," it'd be "his parents have been dead since he was five." (Also note that you usually write out numbers below ten, thus "five" rather than 5.)

    There are plenty of other examples in the text. In general, just look out for long sentences where two or more of the individual parts can be broken out as their own complete sentences; they either need to actually get broken up or be properly joined with conjunctions.

    Your use of "..." all over the place is also strange. I'm not sure exactly what you're doing with it. Is it just supposed to indicate that Zackry isn't saying anything? Because if he's not, all you have to do is... not write him down as saying anything. The elipsis thing is a visual cue used in video games, but it doesn't usually translate well to prose, and it's definitely strange-looking here.

    Finally, I'm not personally a fan of highlighting the "key terms" of your story as you've chosen to do; they're kind of eye-searing like that, and what's more, I'm going to learn what they all mean over the course of the narrative anyway. Most stories, even those that take place in imagined settings with many new concepts, don't use any sort of glossary--why are you choosing to do so here?

    Aside from stylistic concerns, Zackry himself is probably the primary issue I see with the story as it stands. He is, honestly, just a boring character. You've set up someone impossibly brilliant: smart, athletic, well-liked by everyone, a natural at handling pokemon. In fact, you've gone to such lengths that his positive attributes are difficult to believe and/or contradictory: Zackry's somehow one of the most popular kids in school despite the fact that he doesn't like to talk to people and spends most of his time ignoring them. Note also that at one point you describe him as "outgoing," and at another as unsociable. As for how he actually acts, it's definitely on the unsociable side.

    The problem is that having a character who's flat-out amazing tends to make for a boring story! What really drives a story forward is conflict, and for you to have real conflict, you need to be able to challenge your character. They have to be put in situations where they have something dear to lose--and the readers have to believe there's a chance where they might actually lose it!

    But what happens when walks-on-water Zackry comes onto the scene? We know he's going to breeze through whatever challenges appear without more than minor problems. If he doesn't have the tools to solve the problem at hand, we can rely on the narrative to hand them to him with minimal fuss. It's already gone so far as to drop two super-rare and powerful pokemon on him just because! If I never get the feeling that Zackry's in real danger, that he might actually fail on his quest, it's hard for me to get invested in a story. It's like a video game where all the enemies die in one hit and can't hurt you--ultimately it's not going to be a ton of fun, because winning doesn't mean much if there was never the opportunity for you to lose in the first place. And we already know Zackry's going to win! Right there in the prologue you have Mewtwo say that Zackry defeated the elites and legendary birds, so it's not like there's even the faintest shred of suspense over whether he succeeds.

    The fact that all the other characters in the story so far have existed almost exclusively to talk about how awesome Zackry is only makes things worse. Even Mewtwo starts gushing about how much of an honor it is to be fighting him. It's pretty transparent that this is the actual role they're serving in the story, too--the students at his school aren't even important enough to have actual names, for chrissakes. That's a problem, because characters are often what hold people in on a 'fic, really get them invested in what happens. But it's impossible to care about people who are just cardboard cutouts or plot devices, who seem to revolve around the hero without a life of their own. Thus far Zackry is the only fully realized character in the story, meaning he's got to carry the whole weight of the narrative by himself, and as I was saying earlier, I don't think he's quite up to the task as of yet.

    Overall, talking about how awesome your character is, having other characters talk about how awesome your character is, and giving him awesome stuff don't make your character awesome, don't actually make him awesome--they make him boring, if not insufferable. You've talked a lot about Zackry's strengths so far--what I'd really like to see more of is his weaknesses. What sorts of personal obstacles is he going to have to overcome on his journey? What is going to make this trip hard for him, and how is he going to have to change in order to succeed? There's not much point in the story, after all, if Zackry's going to walk out of it the same at the end as he was at the beginning.

    Last things last, I'd also suggest that you slow down your posting a little. Your chapters are nice and short, so they don't take long to read. Generally you still want at least a few days between each, though, to give everyone who's interested a chance to read and respond before you put up your next installment.

    So on the whole I'd say you have an interesting premise, but right now the way you're handling your protagonist is a bit of a problem. Your English could use some tightening up, but it's honestly not that bad at this point. If you work a bit on your characterization and give some thought to how you might raise the stakes for your protagonist, I think you'll be looking good. Best of luck with your writing.
    Last edited by Negrek; 11th June 2014 at 9:20 AM.

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  4. #4
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    Negrek:

    I appreciate that you actually took your time to review my fiction in such details. To be honest, I've written a few fics back then but all I got was short and meaningless comments, and those were what made me give up all the time.

    Actually, the first two chapters are meant to provide an insight to the readers as to what kind of a character Zackry is socially. His lack of parents as well as siblings made him feel lonely all this time. He hasn't had anyone to share his secrets with, and although he's popular around school, no schoolmates of his can actually understand what he's gone through (at least, not until now). I realise my mistake with the word "outgoing", I should fix that haha, as I wrote this part of the chapter late at night without being able to write things in my best condition. I see what you mean, of course, nobody is perfect, Zackry has his own weaknesses as well, but I'd rather portray them slowly as the readers progress through the story. You mentioned how Mewtwo said Zackry defeated the three birds, but what I have planned in the process is sufficient for Zackry to even give up fighting, if it weren't for his friends' support(primarily Rayla, as she serves as the deuteragonist of this story). Usually Zackry is silent because he is uncertain of what to be shared with whom, if Rayla didn't mention about the "awakening", Zackry would've seen Rayla just as another ordinary schoolmate.

    Now, about his excellency in physical and mental. He did not acquire these abilities naturally. It is the positive side effect of something even bigger. Most people are unaware of this, and treat them as natural talents. Of course, details won't be disclosed now, readers will understand in a few upcoming chapters. Also, Zackry is not well-educated about Pokémon. He only has vague memory regarding them as they were mentioned by his parents. Not to mention he's never seen one up close in his entire life. So although he can tell it's a Pokémon, there's no way he can identify them individually. By the way, Mewtwo was not specifically gushing about Zackry, it was talking about the team (PHIS) as a whole. It was surprised that human beings were able to control their Pokémon well enough to confront him.

    Of course, I will be bringing your advice pertaining my grammar as well as my use of words into consideration and edit my first two chapters. The reason I posted these two chapters so quickly was because I wrote them as a whole. I realised they were too long, so I broke them into two parts. Another thing is the glossary. It's something completely extra for readers to acknowledge these terms in more details than currently narrated. I apologise for the colour, I shall attempt to change them into darker colours such as dark blue. Undoubtedly, more details will be provided in the story itself. The Keyword Section is just something for inquisitive readers to read and know slightly what to expect in the upcoming chapters.
    Last edited by Razor Wind; 11th June 2014 at 9:27 AM.


    CLICK TO READ MY FANFICTION NAMED Pokémon Hunting and Investigating Squad (PHIS)

  5. #5
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    *This chapter is rather short as compared to the first few chapters as this focuses on the battle with Machoke more than explaining facts. I meant to include the aftermath of this battle into this chapter, but I felt like it will make it too long, so I decided to separate it into two short chapters. Nonetheless, I hope all of you enjoy reading this chapter.*

    CHAPTER 3: Burn Brawny Burn!

    “Dratini!”

    “Gastly, help us!”

    Gastly drifts forward pronto, absorbing Machoke’s Fist Wave with its Ghost-typed property, as Dratini unleashes a blazing Dragon Rage towards Machoke.
    However, the attack doesn’t connect. Machoke perceives the incoming attack and dodges to the side. It then dashes towards Dratini as swiftly as an arrow, and performs a series of Punches as fast as Bullets, making it disappear.

    “Argh…” Zackry moans to an abrupt, acute pain in his chest. “Wha-What’s going on?”

    Rayla hurries to Zackry’s side as Gastly sends out a flash of bright, transient light, triggering confusion unto Machoke.

    “Are you okay?” Rayla asks concernedly.

    The pain in Zackry’s chest gradually impairs. However, Zackry still doesn’t comprehend what has happened just now. His eyes are fixed to the Confused Machoke, wobbling about aimlessly.

    “Remember Zackry, your Pokémon is a part of your inner power. If they are injured, then so are you.” Rayla explains briefly.

    “Got it… Dratini!” Zackry attempts to strike while the iron is hot by counterattacking now. The serpentine dragon conjures Whirlpools around it, and surrounds Machoke with them. The attacks successfully hit. However, for reasons unknown, Machoke has rid of its Confusion.

    Machoke, being agitated after awakening from its Confusion, starts to relentlessly attack Gastly using Ice Punch and Bullet Punch. Gastly hasn’t had enough time to move or teleport away and is struck unremittingly. Machoke’s final blow disintegrates it with ease.

    Tiny, fast-moving snowflakes spiral about Machoke’s left fist, slowly “colouring” it into bright blue. It charges up his a Wave of energy on his right fist simultaneously. Eventually, it forwards both his hand together, sending out a Fist Wave of Ice towards Dratini.

    “Oh, damn! Dratini!” Zackry discerns the powerful incoming attack, and extends his arm at the direction of Dratini, trying to push it aside from the wave.

    “I can’t reach Dratini… It’s about to get injured again… and it’s all my fault…” Thinks Zackry, hesitantly. At that moment, His PCR shines with an extremely dazzling effulgence.

    “It’s time for you to know your potential. You are different than the others. You are one of the Rainbow-Orbed Chosen Ones, whose rareness remains beyond words and possibilities beyond endless.”

    “This is…” Zackry hears a voice. “This is the voice inside me… from last night… right?”

    “Be cognizant of your strength, Zackry. Your power exists in many forms. Bear in mind, use that sagacity of yours and think. Make the right choice at the right time. Never give up…” The voice slowly fades.

    Zackry halts his momentum and stares at the approaching Frozen Fist Wave. He closes his eyes and concentrates.

    “What are you doing? Zackry? Your Dratini’s going to get hit!” Rayla warns. Her re-summoned Gastly is too busy battling the Machoke up close to protect Dratini.

    “Now!” Zackry shouts like a bolt out of the blue. The Frozen Fist Wave melts after being burned by a few spheres of broiling conflagration out of nowhere. The Pokémon before Zackry is no longer Dratini, but the six-tailed Vulpix, whose eyes burn with never-breaking determination.

    “You… can use different types of Pokémon… Like I thought…” Rayla slowly stutters.

    “Vulpix!”

    Its eyes glow red, damaging Machoke with a bursting flame.

    “Rayla! Watch my back with your Gastly!” Zackry tells her with confidence.

    “Wha… What do you mean? Do you have some kinda plan?”

    “Just protect me from his Fist Wave and any Fighting-typed damaging moves. I will deal with the rest. VULPIX!!”

    Vulpix focuses its attack, bursting Machoke with Searing explosions of Blaze incessantly, leaving Machoke with a burn. Machoke endeavours to counter by tightening its focus, aiming at Vulpix.

    “Rayla, now!”

    Gastly teleports to the front of Vulpix, absorbing its Focus Punch effortlessly. Machoke’s hands turn metallically grey, attempting to Bullet Punch Gastly.

    “Steel-type attack, huh? Get clear, Rayla!” Rayla listens and temporarily disintegrates Gastly from the battlefield.

    “Quick Attack!” Vulpix encircles itself with Spinning Fire and dashes towards Machoke. Albeit Machoke has charged up his fast-paced attack first, its attack is at a type disadvantage when used against an incoming Fire attack. The hardened, metallic parts of his hands are burned from the Quick Attack. It spreads like wildfire, literally, and both of his arms are completely burned off, leaving only its body functional, which’s been weakened from the Searing Blasts earlier.

    “Wanna end this together?”

    “Sure! Gastly!”

    Both Vulpix and Gastly charge up their attacks, aiming at the Machoke whose condition is at sixes and sevens.

    “WILL-O-WISP!” Zackry and Rayla commands synchronously.

    Vulpix and Gastly simultaneously conjure up a bluish-white flame, and forward it to Machoke, destroying it completely and disintegrating it. Vulpix and Gastly also disappear.

    “Well done, Gastly!” Rayla says.

    “You’ve done splendidly. Vulpix.” Follows Zackry. Rayla turns to Zackry and opens her mouth.

    “Tha- Thanks for helping me… I owe you one.”

    “What do you mean by that? We beat that thing together, didn’t we?”

    “Yeah, but if I were to be alone in that battle, I would’ve died…” Rayla sounds grateful for what Zackry has done. “Speaking of which, you are the first Rainbow-Orbed Chosen One I’ve ever seen in my life!”

    “Now that the monstrosity is eliminated, can you return to explaining to me? You stopped just now about how if the Chosen Ones get killed in this labyrinth, they die in the real world as well…”

    “Of course…” Rayla looks at her watch. Only now has Zackry realised she’s wearing a watch on her right arm, the same side where she wears her PCR.

    “That watch…” Zackry murmurs in surprise. Its design looks fashionable and awesome. The word PHIS is engraved on it.

    “We don’t have any more time… We will discuss about this at school tomo-.”

    Before she finishes her sentence, however, both of them lose their consciousness where they stand.

    #END OF CHAPTER 3#

    Keywords section:
    1- Rainbow-Orbed Chosen One: Information regarding this cannot be disclosed at the moment. Rayla will elaborate about this on the next chapter.
    Last edited by Razor Wind; 14th June 2014 at 7:27 PM.


    CLICK TO READ MY FANFICTION NAMED Pokémon Hunting and Investigating Squad (PHIS)

  6. #6
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    CHAPTER 4: Awkward Clarifications


    April 9th (W)

    The view of the dorm room’s dark ceiling greets Zackry as he opens his eyes. The atmosphere is silent and dark, so it can’t possibly be morning yet. His eyes seem heavy and he feels lethargic. He gradually rises from his lying position and sits on his bed, trying to think about what happened yesterday. Zackry notices that he seems to remember what happens in the labyrinth clearly, unlike other inconsequential dreams or nightmares he’s been through, as if it’s really happened in real life. He tries to piece together information expounded by Rayla about the whole labyrinth matter.

    “Otherworldly Labyrinth…” Zackry mumbles, “What is the deal with it? And why do I only enter it in my dreams?”

    Zackry rolls back into the warm blanket of his, trying to calm down. So much has happened in the last two days that he can’t even tell what is scientifically logical and what is not anymore. His eyes are so wide open now he doesn’t even feel like going back to sleep.

    “What do I do in the real life when I was in the labyrinth? What if someone else tries to awake me?” More questions appear in his heads. Sadly, he’s currently unable to reach any satisfying conclusion.

    “NPA… PCR… Chosen Ones…” Zackry slowly recalls back all those terms Rayla mentioned. It’s difficult for him to come up with any reasonable explanations on his own, since Rayla has only provided a brief insight of them. But what he does know is…

    “NPAs are enemies that kill any Chosen Ones they encounter in the labyrinth. But, the Chosen Ones like me can fight those NPAs with our PCRs, which we receive upon awakening… Blah! Scratch that!”
    Unfortunately, there are still umpteen details currently unbeknownst to him. It seems he doesn’t have much of a choice but to ask Rayla in person. He turns his head and faces the shelf, eyeing on the alarm clock on it. It shows 4:31a.m.

    “Screw this… I am going back to sleep.” With nothing more productive to do at the moment, he decides to force himself to return to his slumber until it’s time to prepare for school.

    The bell rings fleetingly, signaling the end of school. Zackry stands up from his seat and proceeds to the badminton clubroom to practise. Apparently, his performance today seems negatively affected and he has been putting the cart before the horse in his practice, he even gets smacked in the face by a shuttlecock so many times he could get his face flat. This is probably due to the fact that the labyrinth matter is still interminably plaguing him.

    “Snap out of it, captain, what’s wrong with you?” An exasperated male member retorts brusquely, his annoyed face rendering him lose his cool. “You are supposed to be our leader, remember?”

    “Geez, relax, Rio, he must be down and out if he ever performed this badly…” Another female member adds. Her face almost reflects her optimism and she seems always ready to help others. She faces Zackry. “Hey leader, is there anything we can help you with?”

    “It’s okay, Elly, it’s my own fault for being absent-minded…” Zackry replies hesitantly, head facing down as he picks up his fallen racquet from the ground. “Let’s get back to practice.”

    Practice eventually ends as everyone parts and says farewell to each other. Zackry goes to the club locker room to change. As he enters the room, however…

    “Rayla? What are you doing here?”

    “You seem to have too many irons in the fire, perhaps so many that you can even strike while they’re hot!” Rayla smirks as she says.

    “What’s with these senseless puns...?” Zackry lowers his head, as if his day at practice hasn’t been terrible yet. “Anyway, you’re not even supposed to be here, you aren’t even a member…”

    “Would you please lock the door please? What I’m about to tell you is confidential.”

    “Fine, but can you please wait until I’m finished changing?” Zackry locks the door as he walks into the changing room.

    “Damn, I forgot my librarian committee blazer in the practice hall… What’s with me today?” Zackry complains, coming out from the room in a disheveled manner, simply wearing a T-shirt with his P.E pants untidily. “Urgh…”

    “Uh…” Rayla stares at Zackry, speechless.

    “Sorry that you have to see me like this… Left my uniform at the hall…”

    Just when things cannot get any more worse, someone knocks the locked club room.

    “Zackry, are you there? Please open up!”

    “Oh shoot! It’s Ms. Emma!” Zackry whispers to Rayla anxiously.

    “Ms. Emma, as in, the club advisor of the Badminton Club?”

    “YES! If she finds out you’re here, we’re both dead.”

    “Is anyone inside? The door won’t budge!”

    “If we keep quiet, maybe she’ll go away.” Zackry and Rayla remain silent, beads of sweat ticking through their faces.

    “If no one is inside, I’m opening the door with my key!”

    “OH SH*T! CLUB ADVISORS HAVE KEYS!” Zackry feels like his brain has been slapped 50 times for his stupidity. It’s too late for them to do anything, not like there’s any secret exits in the clubroom or anything.

    Upon entrance, Ms. Emma is taken aback by the view.

    “Zackry, disheveled, with a girl in the clubroom, with its door locked, and remain silent even though you can clearly hear me.” Ms. Emma slowly explicates the situation. “Zackry, you owe me an explanation, you were not doing ANYTHING, were you?”

    The atmosphere becomes silent. Zackry and Rayla look at each other, suddenly understanding what the teacher means, and quickly turn away, blushing.

    “O- Of course we weren’t doing THAT sort of thing…” Zackry desperately tries to explain. “W- We were just- uh, uh… discussing about, um, uh… club stuffs! Yes, club stuffs!”

    Ms. Emma eyes on Rayla, “But she’s not even a member of this club, is she?”

    “Uh… She said she’s interested in being one.” Zackry quickly thinks of an excuse.

    “HEY!” Rayla murmurs to him as she silently pinches his back.

    “Then what’s with that untidy appearance of yours?”

    “I left my blazer in the practice hall…” At least he isn’t lying about this part.

    “Why didn’t you go get it, then?” The teacher seems to enjoy bombarding Zackry with questions.

    “I WAS going to… until you came. I remained silent because I knew the situation would be awkward…” Zackry briefly explains.

    “Fine, I will let you off the hook, the next time this happens, you will be penalised severely.” Ms. Emma gives Zackry a stern look as she enters the clubroom’s office to get some files.

    “Phew, that was close…” Zackry sighs.

    “Sorry about just now… I put you into that difficult situation.” Rayla apologises.

    “It’s OK, it’s partially my fault, anyway. Let me go get my blazer in a jiffy and get out of here.”

    After changing, the two go to the ASC for a bite. There's a new restaurant opening today. It doesn't take a genius to be able to tell that it's crowded with myriad customers. The two hardly find a place to settle down and order their early-dinner.

    “I saw your performance during practice today. I can’t believe Otherworldly Labyrinth has THAT much of an impact to your ordinary life.” Rayla speaks out of the blue.

    “W- what?”

    “You were thinking about the labyrinth during practice, weren’t you?”

    “Yes… What is that place about, anyway?”

    “Okay, let me continue with my explanation from last night. It’s not known why, but Chosen Ones who die in the Labyrinth also die in the real world.”

    “Why do we have dreams about that place? How does the real world interact with that place?”

    “Slow down… Geez. Firstly, those aren’t real dreams, they actually happen. It’s just that normal people are unaware of it, since they are not the Chosen Ones. Now, time in the real world will stop every night, and Chosen Ones will fall asleep immediately without warning.”

    “What do you mean by time stopping and Chosen Ones sleeping?”

    “The labyrinth affects time and space, according to some reports. It is said that whenever Time Shift occurs, the time in the real world will stop flowing, the time in the labyrinth will continue flowing, and vice versa.”

    "Time Shift? Do you mean…”

    “Yes, whenever Time Shift happens, which it will every night to come, we will fall asleep in the real world and wake up at the Labyrinth. After a period of time interacting with the labyrinth, Time Shift will happen once again, making us unconscious over there and waking up here. It is possible that when we fall asleep in the real world, we get transported to the labyrinth, and the other way round.”

    “Oh…” Zackry ponders about the information he has just acquired. “Is this why we fall unconscious without ourselves knowing that? Is it because we were being transported from one realm to another?”

    “That’s our current hypothesis, take a look at this.” Rayla points at the watch on her right arm. It says 5:08p.m., with the number 1002 written next to it.

    “What is that?”

    “It’s a TEW, Time-Estimation Watch. This watch will help us determine when the Time Shift happens. The time on the left is the current time in real life. The number next to it is the countdown to the next Time Shift.”

    The time now shows 5:09p.m.,the number 1001 juxtaposing it.

    “1001, does it mean…?”

    “Precisely, there are 10 more hours and 1 minute until the next Time Shift, which will approximately be around 3:10a.m.”

    “How did you even manage to acquire this watch?”

    “This type of watch was made by scientists many years ago. They have tried many methods to study Time Shift. This watch is one of the scientific device used.” Rayla clarifies. Zackry takes a look at the engraved ‘PHIS’.

    “What does PHIS mean?”

    “I really can’t disclose that information now out in the public. Wait until we rendezvous at the Labyrinth tonight.”

    #END OF CHAPTER 4#

    Keywords Section:
    1- TEW: Short for Time-Estimation Watch. This watch helps Chosen Ones to determine when the next Time Shift occurs, so they can be prepared to enter the Otherworldly Labyrinth.

    2- Time Shift: A phenomenon that happens every night. Time Shift allows the flow of time in the Otherworldly Labyrinth and the real world. When one time flows, the other will stop, due to the effect of Time Shift to avoid a paradox.
    Last edited by Razor Wind; 2nd July 2014 at 12:55 PM.


    CLICK TO READ MY FANFICTION NAMED Pokémon Hunting and Investigating Squad (PHIS)

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