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Thread: Requiem (PG-13)

  1. #26
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    Thanks to everyone who keeps reviewing. I really appreciate all the feedback, as it goes a long way towards helping me become a better writer. This chapter is probably my favorite so far, and I had alot of fun writing it. People who have been following my story are certainly in for some fun. For anyone reading my Fic for the first time, leave me some opinions, as I always want to improve. Thanks!



    Chapter 6
    Effect


    Nuzleaf was running as fast as his body would allow, calling on reserves of energy in his belly to pump his legs faster. He had seen the wall collapse on his friends, Golduck trying to hold it back before he was overcome. What Nuzleaf noticed as Machop was pulled under the rampaging rock however, was that some of the rocks were moving and changing direction on their own. Five Graveler were rolling across the rock, stomping and pounding to pack the pile as hard as possible, burying Machop under an unimaginable amount of weight.

    “Nuz!” he yelled as he reached the slope of the pile.

    Three of the closest Graveler jumped into the air towards Nuzleaf to intercept, each grabbing handfuls of rock as their feet left the ground. Nuzleaf followed suit, using both legs to launch himself into the air. The Graveler threw the rocks they were holding, each handful tripling in size as they raced towards their target. Nuzleaf destroyed the first few with a bullet seed, twisting through the air to avoid the other harmful missiles.

    “Grav!” the rock Pokemon yelled, taken aback by Nuzleaf’s graceful agility.

    As Nuzleaf came back to the ground, he ran up the pile, meeting the Graveler as they touched back down. The first two took a thick wooden knee to the face, making them stumble backwards; while the third took a handful of brightly colored pellets to the forehead, the ricochets breaking off a piece of its rocky shoulder. Nuzleaf scaled a large boulder behind the third, flipping backwards as he got to the top. The single leaf on its head began to glow, a golden halo of energy building around the single stalk. As the three that had been pummeled by Nuzleaf realized what was happening, they quickly grabbed more rocks and chucked them towards him.

    With a growl, Nuzleaf released the stored energy. By far not the most impressive solarbeam he had ever conjured, as he barely had enough time to even charge it; but the effect was exactly what he wanted. As a fiery inferno of solar light raced downwards towards the rocks where Machop was buried, the Graveler scattered. A deafening boom rang out as the solarbeam cut through the pile of rock, punching a twenty foot hole straight down. The rocks that were chunked at him by the Graveler’s were vaporized right before he ended the stream, allowing him to stop the attack and fall down into the newly made hole.

    Diving headfirst, Nuzleaf rolled himself forward as he struck the ground, a small splinter of wood spiraling away from his foot as he landed. Gritting his teeth to get through the pain, he reached down with his right hand and pulled Machop out from under the last two feet of rock. His friend’s face was bruised and bloody, the consequence of the tons of rock that had buried him. Hand still attached to Machop’s arm, he pulled back and flung the fighting Pokemon out of the hole, just as the rock Pokemon he had injured crashed into him, slamming him to the ground and knocking him out.


    **************


    Dorian’s mind was racing. The wall had collapsed right where Machop and Golduck had been walking. From his angle he couldn’t see what had happened, but Shelton had screamed and bolted, forcing his mind to race to the worst possibility. As he went to yell to Nuzleaf for help, his grass Pokemon flashed past him, already on the way. He saw a flicker of blue tumble off the side of the cliff, followed by the green shape of his Vibrava darting over the edge to follow.

    As his eyes went back to Shelton, he saw her trip and fall, a puff of dirt rising from where her head had struck. He felt a terrible tug in his gut as it happened and he released his pack to run. It was just then that Shuppet wailed, the noise resonating in his eardrums like a nearby foghorn. He swiveled his head in the direction of her screeching just in time to see Growlithe loose a jet of fire from his maw, targeting a television sized rock that was falling towards him. The rock was shoved backwards in the air, its surface scorched and smoking. Growlithe roared his approval; the sound overlapping with the noise of Shuppet’s panicked yelling.

    “Dammit!” he yelled aloud as a large shadow suddenly darkened his vision. Just as the shadow connected, he brought his hands together, activating his Pokeflect. The Graveler’s attack caught him in the stomach, the force sending him to his back. While the Pokeflect repelled actual damage from the attack, the motion of the two of them smacking together sent him sprawling.

    As Dorian rolled to a stop, he shouted, “Growlithe, use flamethrower! Shuppet, shadow ball!” The attacks merged together as they hit their target, Growlithe’s flames turning a sickly shade of black and grey. The torrent of flames sent the Graveler back several yards, where it lay in a heap, body smoking steadily.

    An explosion behind him lit up the surrounding area in golden light, heat rolling across Dorian’s back. As his hand went to his head to protect himself, he saw parts of the cliff face begin to fall, betraying the secret of Graveler and Geodude alike. Two of the creatures slammed into Growlithe, forcing him to the ground and immobilizing his legs. Another four tried in vain to wrap their arms around Shuppet, only to have the ghost Pokemon phase through their outstretched arms, leaving her unscathed.

    Dorian jumped to his feet, his mind racing to think of a suitable attack plan. Just as he got up however, two sets of arms snaked their way around his body, pulling him into a bear hug. The arms made no effort to be gentle, squeezing his body roughly, leaving Dorian gasping for air. A constant growl vibrated against Dorian’s back, an obvious display of menace.

    “What are you doing?!” Dorian yelled, struggling to break free of the creature’s grasp.

    “Gravav!” the Pokemon accused, not squeezing tighter, but not loosening his grip either.

    Shuppet meanwhile was firing balls of ghostly energy at random, safe high above from the reaching arms of the Pokemon below. The attacks were hitting the ground as often as the Pokemon she was aiming for. When one of her attacks would hit their aggressors a shout of pain could be heard, followed by scores of rocks thrown at her by the crowd below. She kept on unhindered though, phasing through the rock like it was air.

    “Shup!” she screeched, halting her attack, her eyes riveted behind Dorian.

    Dorian spun his head to the right to see Machop’s unconscious body flip out of the smoking crater further down the path. The fighting type roughly hit the ground, arms flailing wildly as he skipped across the ground. He laid there, eyes closed, his breathing coming in series of long gurgling gasps. As Dorian struggled to examine his injuries from afar, he spied three Graveler falling from higher up the cliff, disappearing from sight as they passed below the lip of the new crater.

    “GRAVELER!” a new voice shouted.

    Dorian turned his head towards the new voice and gasped. An overly large Graveler was holding Shelton’s unconscious body above its head, clapping its lower hands together for attention. From what Dorian could tell, the only injury she had sustained was a large cut across her scalp that was slowly seeping blood. The sight of the Pokemon holding her made Dorian struggle with newfound vigor, carelessly lacerating his skin on the sharp rock of Graveler’s body.

    “Stop!” he shouted. “Let go of her and we’ll leave!”

    The Graveler paid Dorian no attention. Swinging its rocky head upwards, it pointed at Shuppet, then back at Shelton.

    “Shuppet,” the ghost Pokemon said, drifting towards the ground.

    Satisfied, the Graveler holding Shelton motioned towards two nearby Geodude, gesturing towards a spot in the road about ten feet ahead. Nodding, both Pokemon began to beat the ground furiously, digging a hole about three feet wide. Once they were finished, the Graveler stood Shelton up in the hole, and proceeded to shove dirt in as well; effectively burying her up to her neck.

    Dorian watched the scene unfold in horror, unable to understand what the rocky Pokemon was doing. Frantic, he started looking around, searching for one of their Pokemon to help.

    Growlithe was being held down by two Geodude, his face scraping across the dirt as he tried to free himself. Machop was barely alive, holding on by sheer will alone. Golduck and Vibrava had not reappeared from the side of the cliff yet, filling his head with even more worry. Nuzleaf was nowhere to be found and Shuppet was hovering nearby, seemingly catatonic by the threat made to her by the Graveler who was obviously in charge.

    Dorian couldn’t understand why this was happening. Obviously this was the same gang of Pokemon Shelton was referring to earlier, but before they had only attacked the machines building the road. There had been no violence against any humans or their Pokemon at all. He had always been very good at reasoning with people and Pokemon alike. He had been told on more than one occasion that he would make a good salesman from his talent with wordplay. It was clear however, that there was no way to talk them out of this predicament.

    “Grav!” the leader shouted again.

    As Dorian watched, the Graveler held up two of its fingers with one hand and pointed to a pile of rock off to the left with another. Keeping its hands in place, it bent down and scooped up two basketball size boulders at its feet, balancing each out on an outstretched appendage. The hand he was pointing with slowly came around and he pointed toward each boulder, stopping to make the symbol for two again. Then its last hand came back around and pointed at Shelton’s buried body.

    “I don’t understand what you’re saying. Please, we’ll go. We won’t come back, I promise,” Dorian pleaded. “Please.”

    Growing angry, the Graveler pointed towards the same small pile of rock again, then repeating the gesture of making the number two and making the same motions towards Shelton.

    Dorian stared at the pile of rock, trying to understand the significance. As he studied the rocks, six blackened hands became distinguishable, along with a shattered leg, and a few broken ivory teeth.

    “Bodies?” Dorian asked himself. Then, the realization of what was about to happen crashed down on his mind harder than the rockslide that had pummeled Machop’s body. The bodies were Graveler. Judging from their shattered flesh they had died from the demolition charges that the road crew had planted. “Two of you, for two of us.” That’s what the Graveler was telling him.

    As he watched, the Graveler walked to his deceased brethren and stroked each of their bodies with one long crooked finger. Shaking noticeably, the rock Pokemon took a deep breath, composing itself. Turning around, with dark mud streaming from its eyes, the Graveler took aim at Shelton’s head.

    “Gravgrav,” the Pokemon lamented, and threw the stones.

    Before the stones reached their target, however, they halted in the air.

    Suddenly, they reversed course, racing back towards the Graveler with increased velocity. One struck the rock Pokemon in the head, sending it stumbling backwards, while the other raced around to strike the Pokemon from behind, sending it face first to the ground. The assembled Geodude and Graveler stared at their leader in disbelief, not understanding, not able to process what had just happened.

    Dorian however, knew the answer before they did. Looking up, he saw Golduck let go of Vibrava’s legs and fall to the ground below. He watched as Golduck lightly landed, one foot resting on either side of Shelton’s head. Golduck’s pupils glowed lilac, signaling the rage that was close to being released.

    “DUCK!” Golduck yelled at Dorian, raising both of his webbed hands above his head.

    Knowing he only had a moment, Dorian raised his arms as high as he could, struggling against the strength of the Graveler that was holding him hostage. As his hands went upwards, a multicolored beam of energy shot from the jewel in Golduck’s forehead. The beam hit Dorian’s right hand with uncanny accuracy, rebounding off his Pokeflect and striking his captor in the stomach. The arms holding him hostage loosened, allowing Dorian to wriggle free. As soon as his feet touched the ground, Dorian jumped up and spun, kicking the dazed Graveler backwards. The rock Pokemon stumbled, crying out in pain from the lingering effects of Golduck’s psybeam. Its feet carried it backwards, over the edge of the cliff and to the roaring waves below.

    As Dorian turned back around, the rock Pokemon broke their stare and attacked, sending chunks of stone streaming towards Vibrava hovering above and Golduck below. Vibrava tucked his wings and spiraled downwards, catching slight nicks from the thrown rocks as he dived. None of the missiles even got close to Golduck though, as the psychic Pokemon stopped them in mid-air as they approached, leaving them hanging to serve as shields for other incoming rocks.

    “Vibrava, use gust on the rocks!” Dorian commanded.

    Coming to a stop in front of Golduck, the dragon Pokemon flapped his wings furiously, kicking up sand and gravel as a vortex was generated. The psychic force holding the wall of thrown rocks suddenly dropped its hold, allowing Vibrava to send the stones back towards their attackers. Five of the rock Pokemon were immediately out of the fight, either immobilized by the heavy rock, or the impact of the stones sending them off the nearby cliff.

    Shuppet meanwhile, had snapped her mind back into the fight and was currently flying from Geodude to Geodude, latching onto their backs and using hypnosis to put them to sleep. The Pokemon that experienced this sensation cried out in fear as the ghost Pokemon reached into their minds and ignited their worst fears, causing them to flee to sleep like it was their own idea.

    “Vibrava, don’t stop! Golduck, get her out!” Dorian yelled.

    Vibrava began to gyrate, dragging the vortex of howling wind in a circle, creating a barrier their attackers were unable to penetrate. Golduck focused his mental power below his feet, feeling the earth below with his mind and slowly raising Shelton out of her temporary prison. He worked slowly, trying his best to keep the sharp rock underneath from cutting her as she rose.

    Dorian ran, the wind from Vibrava’s sustained gust attack almost knocking him off his feet as he struggled to get further down the path where Growlithe was pinned down. The same two Geodude were still holding him down, reaching down to strike the struggling dog when he managed to gain some leverage. Dorian ducked to avoid a rock thrown at him from a nearby Graveler, forgetting again that the Pokeflect would have stopped the stone from harming him.

    “Shup!” Shuppet screeched, materializing beside Dorian as he ran.

    As the ghost Pokemon’s voice reached the two Geodude, they looked up in surprise, catching twin shadow balls launched from Shuppet in the process. The Geodude were blown backwards into the wall behind them as the attack hit, releasing Growlithe from their painful embrace. Growlithe turned and bathed his assailants with fire for good measure, making sure they were out of the fight.

    “You good?” Dorian called to Growlithe, spinning on his heel and running back towards Shelton.

    “Growlithe!” his Pokemon roared.

    “Find Nuzleaf!” Dorian commanded. “Shuppet, help Vibrava and Golduck!”

    Dorian followed Growlithe as he ran further down the path, following the scent of Nuzleaf. He hunched down as they passed the whirlwind of air around his Vibrava, taking note of the fact that Golduck had completely freed Shelton from the ground below and was holding her in his arms, shielding her from the occasional rock that made it through Vibrava’s barrier. Shuppet had taken place in front of the twirling dragon Pokemon, adding ghostly balls of energy to the whirlwind, hoping to injure any of the rock Pokemon that got too close.

    “Nuzleaf!” Dorian called, hoping to somehow get his Pokemon’s attention.
    He kept following Growlithe as the fire Pokemon led them to the edge of a large crater; one that Dorian was sure was the result of the explosion that had happened earlier. As Dorian and Growlithe began to climb the slope of the crater, Nuzleaf’s unconscious form was violently thrown from the confines of the hole. Nuzleaf’s body was traveling so fast that it hit Dorian directly in the solar plexus, knocking the wind out of him and sending him to the ground.

    “GRAV!” a chorus of voices yelled. As Dorian got up and slung Nuzleaf over his shoulder, five Graveler jumped up from the inside of the crater, glaring menacingly at the trio below.

    “Grooo!” Growlithe growled, puffing up his chest.

    “Don’t be thick,” Dorian said. “You can’t take on five of them. Let’s go!”

    Huffing regrettably, Growlithe followed his master, hearing the sounds of the Graveler stomping behind them in pursuit. As he ran, he saw more Geodude and Graveler closing in on them from all sides, the ones ahead of them stopping short of the deadly barrier of wind and spinning rock created by Vibrava.

    “Golduck!” Dorian yelled. “We’re coming in!”

    The duck Pokemon heard them and nodded, using his power of telekinesis to open a hole in the vortex to let them pass. The rocks and spheres of energy parted for the trio as they ran through, closing behind them with a loud clap. Dorian laid Nuzleaf down by Golduck’s feet, checking his Pokemon up and down for injury. His Pokemon was breathing steadily, the only tell-tale sign of injury being the small chunks of wood missing from his foot, arm, and shoulder.

    They were all in Vibrava’s protective circle now, even the unconscious form of Machop, whose condition was rapidly declining. As Dorian watched, scores of Graveler and Geodude poured out from over the top of the rock face, joining the fray of over thirty rock Pokemon that were trying to penetrate the protective circle around them. Vibrava couldn’t keep this up forever; and as powerful as his and Shelton’s Pokemon were, they couldn’t take on that many at one time. His mind raced, desperate for a plan to end the madness, to keep them safe. He wasn’t strong enough to overcome the odds though; he wasn’t powerful enough to fight off his aggressors. For the first time in his life, he didn’t know what to do.

    “Vibravaaa,” his dragon Pokemon moaned.

    As Dorian watched Vibrava, he noticed that the hurricane of wind keeping them safe was starting to die down, the rocks being carried by it being lowered closer to the ground. Just then, one of the shadow balls that Shuppet had conjured leapt off course and smacked into Dorian’s chest. He felt nothing as it glanced off of the protective shield of his Pokeflect, but yelled when it ricocheted off of him and struck Shuppet. The ghost Pokemon wailed as the orb struck her, sending her crashing against the ground.

    “Ava,” Vibrava whispered, dropping roughly to the ground and falling into unconsciousness.

    Dorian should have known that the strain of sustaining an attack for that long was too much for the newly evolved Pokemon. He felt a momentary flash of pride in his Pokemon that quickly evaporated as the rocks caught up in the vortex fell and revealed the outside of their circle.

    Over fifty rock Pokemon surrounded them, the ones nearest to the front gasping for the air that had been sucked away from them by Vibrava’s attack. Most of them were growling, making their intentions clear. They would not stop, and they had the numbers to back it up.

    “I’m sorry,” Dorian said to the crowd. “We had nothing to do with it.”

    Gathering his emotions, he walked forward and stood in front of Shelton. Raising his fists, he waited. It would come in a moment. The inevitable tide of anger would wash across them and leave nothing behind. Dorian thought that at a moment like this, things would become simple. Clarity would chime in and he would know exactly what to do. Nothing came however, nothing to give him hope. He was with their Pokemon, and his mind was blank.

    “Duduck,” Golduck stated, tapping him on the shoulder.

    Dorian turned, vaguely aware that the rock type Pokemon around them were rushing forward. He watched Golduck gently stroke Shelton’s cheek, a peculiar milky glow beginning to take shape around his head. He placed Shelton in Dorian’s arms, pushing her against him to make sure he had a strong grip.

    Faster than Dorian could think, he, Shelton, and their Pokemon were yanked upwards and shoved to the right, high above the incoming stampede of rock Pokemon. They flew through the air, being guided by Golduck’s formidable mind. Dorian saw everything, he felt all of it. His group was guided into the crater the earlier explosion had made, being pushed tenderly out of harm’s way.

    Just before they passed below the lip of the crater, Dorian saw the rock Pokemon race towards Golduck, he saw the mauve energy around Golduck flare brightly as they reached him, and as the first attack connected, he saw the sapphire Pokemon explode.
    Last edited by Sidewinder; 2nd April 2012 at 12:40 AM.

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the amazing banner-


  2. #27
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    Nuzlead destroyed the first few with a bullet seed,
    Very slight typo.

    quickly grabbed more rocks and chucked them
    towards him.
    This part is awkwardly formatted. Nothing wrong, just odd in the middle of a sentence.

    “Dammit!” he yelled aloud as large shadow suddenly darkened his vision.
    There needs to be an a before large.

    Its feet carried it backwards, over the edge of the
    cliff and to the roaring waves below.
    There. It did it again.

    I didn't spot anything else wrong. I'm sad now. With that cliffhanger I think Golduck is dead. So much action this chapter. You know I'm surprised there wasn't a Golem among them. If I remember correctly you said that all the Golem left right? Looks like Shelton will be out for a while. A superb chapter that was written very well. I love that the Pokemon feel so attached to their trainers. Shows how much they care. I'll be back for chapter 7.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

  3. #28
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    My review as promised.

    I'm impressed, it's almost hard to believe this is your first attempt at fan fiction. However, I have no doubt you read extensively, and you kept in mind the formatting of a story. Thus, I see great works coming from you in the future if you keep this up. You are just what we need. I always say there needs to be a good generation of writers to replace us when we leave. New writers like you gives closure. It also helps you are accepting of criticism, a skill that tends to take years for a newbie to accept. This is a mind-set you shall have for the rest of your life.

    I also admire you going back to fix any little mistakes your readers point out to you. Because of that, I saw very few mistakes. The ones I do tend to be some out-of-place commas, and homonym mix-ups like "where" and "were", but these are few and spread out. A careful proof-read before the upload helps greatly.

    I feel we are still technically in the exposition stage, but we are seeing what is the rising action, the first of many dangers these characters will face. We aren't exactly that introduced to the plot yet, but your little clues about these flakes and this obsidian artifact are the pieces that form the plot. I take it this is a mystery/adventure story. You did a marvelous job introducing the mystery in the prologue and showing who may be the anti-hero, and I say that because I doubt he is in control of his actions, per say. These "voices" he is hearing may be the real antagonist, but we shall see in the future. This character, Ethan, and the flakes are what may be the links that are holding this story together. That doesn't mean I prefer him over the other characters, Dorian and Shelton and their Pokémon are great as well, but there is still some part of them I feel hasn't been revealed to us yet about their personalities. You pretty much down-right show that Ethan is a mysterious person, and is the link. While he should be the main focus, to have him work in the background is a nice touch. He keeps himself secluded because we know that he provides answers to this mystery.

    I like how you handle these encounters in a realistic sense. You aren't afraid to show just how violent and dangerous Pokémon battles can be. I was specifically intrigued by Trapinch's evolution. While it was rather quick when in reality it should've been a slow process as it gradually grows to a Vibrava, it was an interesting detail in the growth of a little creature growing vertically and sprouting wings. I especially liked how you mentioned it was bloody and messy. I expect more depictions of evolution like this in the future, it's something I haven't seen before, if this hasn't be depicted in other writings yet. If so, kudos to you!

    With that said, this chapter was very action-packed, I have no idea how I managed to keep up with it. Like what Shadow Lucario said, there's that saddening possibility Golduck has been killed off. This isn't a bad thing, though. Don't ever be afraid to kill off characters when the plot calls for it, that is a sign the writer has balls and isn't afraid to take a risk at the expense of their readers, but it helps when it's done well. A lot of professional writers do this, and some do it splendidly, while others don't. Especially if it's a fake-out death, this can infuriate readers just as much. There has to be a reasonable explanation as to how it is the character avoided death so narrowly, or we will assume you pulled it out of your behind to save your behind. And yes, that is a warning.

    I'd like to be on the PM list, please. I would love to see where this goes from here, and also to keep an eye on it. I hope to see improvement between your first and last chapter when we reach the end. That is one of the greatest accomplishments you can make to know you have learned something new and further developed your own writing ability (which I can see you already have your own style).
    Winner of Best Pokémon/Pokémon Fic of 2013 in the Shipping Oscars
    Current Chapter: Chapter Ten - 3/17/14 / Current: Requiem I - 11/17/14 - Chapter 21 progress: 66%
    I survived Pupa.

  4. #29
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    I liked how, with all the action, you included everyone’s actions rather than just one or two peoples’. It really helped add to the chaos of the situation, and your awesome description only helped that. It was intense, realistic, and the cliffhanger was well-placed and very effective given the situation.

    He had always been very good at reasoning with people and Pokemon alike. He had been told on more than one occasion that he would make a good salesman from his talent with wordplay.
    This seems a bit difficult to believe when Dorian can’t understand pokémon, as he says so himself shortly after this. It made me think that he should have had at least a little more control of the situation given this talent of his. It also makes me wonder why Dorian never asked any of the pokémon to try to talk some sense into the Graveler for him.

    My only other complaint is that you used the word “however” an awful lot. It wasn’t enough to distract from the story, but it was enough to catch my attention. Otherwise, I could find nothing wrong with this. I eagerly await the next chapter~

    | survival project |
    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | complete |


    | flying in the dark |
    | he's hiding something. she just doesn't know it. |
    | on hiatus|


    | love and other nightmares |
    | limited time, limited abilities. kyurem says she can be cured in exchange for saving those who need saving. |
    | chapter 3 released 11/22/14 |


  5. #30
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    Alright, so I think with the little time I seem to have, I'm going to leave you in the careful hands of the previous reviwers and pick up the detailing here. I just can't do you the justice for it.

    So here's CH6

    Nuzleaf was running as fast as his body would allow, calling on reserves of energy in his belly to pump his legs faster. He had seen the wall collapse on his friends; Golduck trying to hold it back before he was overcome. What Nuzleaf noticed as Machop was pulled under the rampaging rock however, was that some of the rocks (them)were moving and changing direction on their own. Five Graveler were rolling across the rock, stomping and pounding to pack the pile as hard as possible, burying Machop under an unimaginable amount of weight.
    Note the semicolon, there.
    I'm seeing this a lot in your chapter, you're awfully wordy here. Descriptors are good things, sure, but pronouns exist for a reason and yearn to be put to use, they make things flow more quickly, whcih for me is the difference odf visual ansd visual in a frame-by-frame slow motion. The other thing that can help is to klighten the use of compound sentances, especially here where each part carries a heavy meaning. It's pain and suffering, each sentence is about that.

    rolling across the rock, stomping and pounding
    Nitpick here, "rolling" is a method of travelling for Graveller, and having them stomp and pound while in a balled-up state is contradictory.

    The rocks that were chunked at him
    "Chunked" is a new one to me. I assume this is synonomous to "chucked" or "hurled".

    Oh I see, you used chucked a bit earlier, needed a new word I bet. Hmm.

    A very good job of walking us through Nuzleaf's attacks without telling them. Even without the names I knew what he was doing through there.

    Hand still attached to Machop’s arm, he pulled back and flung the fighting Pokemon out of the hole, just as the rock Pokemon he had injured crashed into him, slamming him to the ground and knocking him out.
    I'd dump that first part. You're trying to tell us that Nuzleaf still had ahold of Machop, but it makes it sound like Machop's hand is still attached to his arm, as opposed to it not, and it really doesn't add much to the sentence. I'm curious how many hands a Machamp would have it evolved from a one-handed Machop...

    Shuppet meanwhile was firing balls of ghostly energy at random, safe high above from the reaching arms of the Pokemon below. The attacks were hitting the ground as often as the Pokemon she was aiming for. When one of her attacks would hit their aggressors, a shout of pain could be heard; followed by scores of rocks thrown at her by the crowd below. She kept on unhindered though, phasing through the rock like it was air.
    Good use of being a ghost, although awkward wording and a bit of an invincibility problem.

    “Bodies?” Dorian asked himself. Then, the realization of what was about to happen crashed down on his mind harder than the rockslide that had pummeled Machop’s body. The bodies were Graveler. Judging from their shattered flesh they had died from the demolition charges that the road crew had planted. “Two of you, for two of us.”That’s what the Graveler was telling him.
    Favorite. scene. When I fgrow up iw ant to write wildife encounters just like you do.

    “DUCK!” Golduck yelled at Dorian, raising both of his webbed hands above his head.
    Pun funny. And who says Pokemon cannot speak in Human?

    Dorian jumped up and spun, kicking the dazed Graveler backwards. The rock Pokemon stumbled, crying out in pain from the lingering effects of Golduck’s psybeam. Its feet carried it backwards, over the edge of the cliff and to the roaring waves below.
    Discrepency there. if Nuzleaf is made of wood, then Graveller is rock, no? Especially when yo umention ivory teeth. That should have hurt, Dorian should have felt that a lot worse than the Graveller did.

    Faster than Dorian could think, he, Shelton, and their Pokemon were yanked upwards and shoved to the right, high above the incoming stampede of rock Pokemon. They flew through the air, being guided by Golduck’s formidable mind. Dorian saw everything, he felt all of it. His group was guided into the crater the earlier explosion had made, being pushed tenderly out of harm’s way.
    Being makes for an odd tense for "Pushed out of harms way." I'd can being, and turn that comma into another semi-colon. Also, this seems a bit convoluted for Golduck to do. Maybe it's me, but straight teleportationwould to me be the most logical and simple way to do this, also if I were an enraged Graveller and my opponents were flying away visibly, I'd be hurling rocks like an anti-aircraft gun until they were cloer or out of reach.

    Man, Shelton's going to absolutely KILL Dorian for this shortcut. He's gonna get his aft chewed out SO bad for letting her Pokemon die. He won't be able to sit for weeks when she wakes up, and he better hope for his sake that in a few chapterss time (Make us wait for dramatic effect) a Golduck is rescued by some contruction workers from absolute carnage or he's gonna get castrated.

    Poor Machop's gona go off the deepend, I can see it now. he's either going to be an extremely sheltered boy who says and does nothing, or he's going to absolutely snap and kill everything that even LOOKs like a rock.

    Overall though, a powerful chapter and well written. I'm loving the characters and you're portrying them well. Even the "bad guys", My heart goes out for the fallen Graveller, and their bretheren avenging is extremely real. Very well done.
    Last edited by Glover; 2nd April 2012 at 7:29 AM.
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

  6. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by Glover View Post
    No, I don't think it did. Unlike the trainer's Pokemon, The Graveller did not get genders assigned to them, they are therefore legally referred to as its.
    Then you don't know what I'm talking about. I was referring to the weird break in the sentence.
    Last edited by Shadow Lucario; 2nd April 2012 at 7:06 AM.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

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    @ Shadow Lucario

    You know I'm surprised there wasn't a Golem among them. If I remember correctly you said that all the Golem left right?
    They were out exploring for new territory. Can't believe I forgot to put that in.

    @ diamondpearl876

    It also makes me wonder why Dorian never asked any of the pokémon to try to talk some sense into the Graveler for him.
    Thnks for pointing that out. To be completely honest, I didn't even think about that

    My only other complaint is that you used the word “however” an awful lot.
    Thanks for pointing that out as well, I'll be sure to keep that in mind from now on.

    @ Kutie Pie

    Don't ever be afraid to kill off characters when the plot calls for it,
    I know exactly what you mean. Everyone we'll see the fate of Golduck and Machop in the next chapter, but just so you know, I'm not afraid to do it at all. Situations happen that not everyone survives. That's life, and it doesn't make sense that charcters, even main ones, don't die.

    I felt like you hit Ethan perfectly by the way. That's his role for now, but it wont always be that way. Reading what you thought of him matched my notes on him almost exactly. Good work

    @ Glover

    Note the semicolon, there.
    I'm seeing this a lot in your chapter, you're awfully wordy here. Descriptors are good things, sure, but pronouns exist for a reason and yearn to be put to use, they make things flow more quickly, whcih for me is the difference odf visual ansd visual in a frame-by-frame slow motion.
    Thanks for bringing that to my attention. Looking back, I understand what you mean and I'll do my best to work on it.

    "Chunked" is a new one to me. I assume this is synonomous to "chucked" or "hurled".
    lol, its Southern USA slang, and yes, I used it because I needed another word for threw

    Good use of being a ghost, although awkward wording and a bit of an invincibility problem.
    I see what you mean. The way I pictured ghost Pokemon in the real world, is that they could phase through almost anything if they were focused solely on that. If they were attacking, hit from behind, or hit too fast for them to focus, they would not be able to phase through anything.

    Discrepency there. if Nuzleaf is made of wood, then Graveller is rock, no? Especially when yo umention ivory teeth. That should have hurt, Dorian should have felt that a lot worse than the Graveller did.
    I don't think it hurt the Graveler at all, just sent him a step backwards and his legs kept moving. Dorian kinda just pushed him in the direction he wanted to go. And yeah, Dorian will be hurting, its something I already planned for the next chapter. Good eye

    Also, this seems a bit convoluted for Golduck to do. Maybe it's me, but straight teleportationwould to me be the most logical and simple way to do this, also if I were an enraged Graveller and my opponents were flying away visibly, I'd be hurling rocks like an anti-aircraft gun until they were cloer or out of reach.
    That does make sense, however that's not an ability I've ever seen a Golduck have, and not one that I can realistically see one having either. It's a good idea, and I considered the same thing, but ultimately it didn't feel right to me. And since Golduck stopped the stones thrown at Shelton earlier by the Graveler leader, my thought was that they wanted to take care of him first before they attacked the others in the circle. Shut down the source, and you take care of the unpredictable telekinesis problem.

    And yeah Glover, Shelton is going to be pissed haha



    Thank you all for your reviews, I really appreciate it. Ya'll helping me out is the only reason I'm able to continue and improve my writing. I can't believe I got so many good responses. It really was my favorite chapter to write, and I'm glad you guys enjoyed it as well. New chapter should be up by Friday or so.

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
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    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the amazing banner-


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    Well, here's the newest chapter. It came out shorter than I would have liked, but I think I captured what I wanted pretty well. Thanks to everyone for their continued support, it's much appreciated.



    CHAPTER 7

    AFTERMATH


    Dorian inhaled deeply, trying to calm down his swiftly beating heart. He looked around, taking an inventory of his group that was scattered around the crater. Growlithe was sitting a few feet to his left, licking Shelton’s face in an effort to wake her. Nuzleaf and Shuppet were lying beside each other, both still unconscious. Vibrava was staggering to his feet, shaking his head furiously in an effort to wake himself up. Looking past the dragon Pokemon, Dorian spied Machop.

    The fighting Pokemon was barely breathing now; holding on beyond what Dorian thought was possible. His teal skin was covered in blood from the countless cuts that littered his frame. Not only that, but Dorian could tell that most of his bones were broken from the way the fighting Pokemon’s skin sagged in places where it used to be pulled taut.

    Dust drifted down into the hole they were residing in, the aftermath of Golduck’s psychic explosion. Sunlight glinted off the particles as they fell, making it hard to see the sky against the endless wave of specks. The silence in the crater shocked Dorian almost as much as the battle that had just taken place. After going from the sounds and smells of the chaos that had broken out earlier, the silence seemed even more foreign. It put Dorian more on edge, as he kept expecting the other proverbial shoe to drop.

    “Vibrava, just sit there,” Dorian said. “I think it’s over. If you keep it up you’re going to hurt yourself.”

    “Ava,” he acquiesced, falling back to his stomach and closing his eyes.

    Satisfied that the newly evolved Pokemon wasn’t going to overexert himself, Dorian lifted himself up. Waving his hands to clear the puffs of dirt in his face, he walked over to Shelton and knelt down. Growlithe backed up as he approached, understanding that his approach of ‘lick and wake’ was failing.

    “Growlithe, go find the bags we dropped!” Dorian ordered. “They have medicine.”

    “Groo?” Growlithe asked.

    “Bags!” Dorian shouted. “Get the bags!”

    “Growlithe!” the fire type growled.

    “Look, get the bags or I’m going to beat the hell out of you!” Dorian screamed.

    After another menacing growl, Growlithe did as he was told, spinning around and scaling the side of the crater.

    Dorian turned his attention back to Shelton, turning his head to gauge the severity of the cut on her forehead. It wasn’t very deep, but like most head wounds, it was bleeding profusely, obscuring her soft features under a veil of red. Using the sleeve of his shirt he wiped away as much as he could, stopping when the arm of his shirt began sticking to his skin. Able to see her face again, Dorian lightly shook her. It had no effect, as she stayed thoroughly rooted in sleep.

    “Groo!” a voice called from above.

    Dorian looked up as their bags landed beside him and Shelton, making a mental note to apologize to Growlithe once the situation was wrapped up. Digging through his pack, he came up with a vial of smelling salt. Usually used to wake a fainted Pokemon from unconsciousness, Dorian knew from experience that it had the same effect on humans. Ignoring the label on the vial that boasted the hazards of human inhalation, he broke the top and shoved it underneath Shelton’s nose.

    “Huhhh!” Shelton exhaled, bolting upright.

    Her head was spinning, the result of the smelling salt instructing her brain to release adrenaline into her bloodstream in torrents. Her breathing quickened, teetering on the edge of hyperventilation. Her eyes were wild, scanning left and right, catching glimpses of their bruised and battered Pokemon lying all around them. When she saw Dorian on his knees in front of her, she started sobbing. Springing forward, she grabbed his head in her hands, her questions coming in between frantic gasps of air.

    “Where are they?” she cried. “Dorian, don’t lie to me. Where are they? P-please tell me, please tell me.”

    “It’s okay, it’s okay,” Dorian assured her, lowering her hands and pulling her close.

    “No dammit!” Shelton shouted, breaking his hold on her. “Where are they!? Just t-tell me. Please tell me.”

    “Machop is hurt really bad. The rockslide crushed him. Most of his bones are broken, but he’s breathing,” Dorian explained. “Shuppet’s fine, one of her attacks bounced off my Pokeflect and hit her, but I think she’s okay.”

    “W-what do you mean, her attacks?” Shelton asked. “Why was she attacking you?”

    “She wasn’t attacking me,” Dorian said. “She was protecting us. Shelton calm down, you have to calm down. Take a deep breath, I’ll explain, but you have to get your breathing under control.”

    She did as she was told, halting the quick gulps of air and forcing herself to breathe more regularly. “What happened?”

    Dorian took a breath; this was going to be extremely difficult. He recounted how the Geodude and Graveler had attacked, and how their leader had put Shelton into the ground to kill her. He went on to explain how Vibrava had saved Golduck, and in turn, how Golduck dug Shelton out of the ground. He told her quickly that he had gotten loose and gathered the others, all the while directing their Pokemon on how to protect them. Tears formed in his eyes when he got to the hardest part. Dorian told Shelton how outnumbered they became, and then how Golduck had saved them.

    “W-what do you mean, he exploded?” Shelton asked, her voice catching in her throat.

    “He’s dead Shelton,” Dorian said. “I saw, s-saw the energy discharge from his head right before the rock Pokemon hit him. He couldn’t have survived it. I mean, I saw it swallow his body.”

    “I don’t believe you!” Shelton screamed! “Why did you leave him out there!?”

    “Shelton, I didn’t leave him out there. He yanked us up, I had no control over it.”

    “Why are you doing this to me!?”

    “Shelton, calm down. I’m not doing anything. He needed to save you, so he made a judgment call. That’s it.”

    “You’re lying!” she yelled, shoving Dorian backwards and jumping to her feet. “He’s not gone! He wouldn’t do that!”

    “Shelton, you need to calm down,” Dorian said, taking small steps towards her, arms outstretched.

    Shelton backed up several paces, her hands hooking into claws. Golduck couldn't be dead! He wouldn't leave her, not like this, not ever. She drug her hands across her scalp, trying in vain to tear the thought away. She looked around, studying the scene before her. Tears came faster when she saw Machop’s body, pitching her into even more despair. His frail frame was broken, his legs bent into odd angles. She rushed forward, only to stop in place. Golduck and Machop, both of them were hurt. Shelton knew Golduck wasn’t dead; it wasn’t even something she could comprehend. She was stuck in place, unable to decide what to do. She wanted to climb out of the crater and find Golduck, but at the same time she couldn’t just leave Machop. Indecision rooted her, turned her into molasses. Time slowed, her thoughts became even more muddled. Machop or Golduck, Machop or Golduck?

    “Shelton,” Dorian whispered. “Go help Machop, I’ll go find Golduck. Give me his Pokeball.”

    “O-okay,” Shelton replied, handing over Golduck’s Pokeball. “Tell him I’ll be there in a minute.”

    “Shelton, he-“ Dorian started.

    “Just tell him!” she screamed.

    Upon seeing her desperation and how fast the tears were coming now, he nodded in agreement. He watched her sprint towards the far end of the crater towards Machop, grabbing her pack as she ran. Dorian swallowed to steady himself. His own emotions were welling up in his gut, and it took everything he had to keep them at bay. He had to be strong for Shelton now; he had to keep her stable. She was likely to fracture if something happened to one of her Pokemon, much less two. Dorian knew she was capable of a complete mental breakdown and that she was well on her way. He didn’t want to see the devastation Golduck had released on the other side of the hole; but if Shelton saw him go, it might calm her down enough to intelligently decide on the next course of action for Machop.

    Dorian winced slightly as he climbed the gentle slope. The cuts on his arms from the Graveler who had held him hostage were burning in the dust filled air. Every time he grabbed a rock to steady himself on the climb, sharp slivers of pain raced across them. The lacerations were hardly severe, but as he flexed his arms, they widened, causing him even more pain. He straightened up quickly as he got to the top of the crater, unprepared for the sight that lay before him.

    The psychic explosion Golduck had summoned had devastated the evolving road. The spot where Golduck had stood was a normal shade of dirt brown, but starting a few inches away and ending at Dorian’s crater shelter, the ground and rock had been burned black. Deep fissures had been carved in the ground and what was left of the rock wall to the right, their pattern jagged and chaotic. A few shapes moved here and there, rock Pokemon that had survived. Many though, had not been so lucky. Dorian saw piles of blackened rock everywhere, most of them so jagged he couldn’t tell if they were Pokemon at all. It was at that moment that he saw a strange light.
    Scattered around the boulders and piles of former rock Pokemon, stones hypnotically glowed lilac. They thrummed softly like a heartbeat, radiating brighter, then dimmer in random sequence. It was actually quite magical to behold amongst all the devastation. The stones put his troubled mind at ease, soothing his thoughts as he walked past them. Careful to not touch any of the assuredly dead Pokemon, he reached down and touched one of the glowing stones.

    “Ahh!” Dorian yelled, jumping back in surprise.

    As his fingers had grazed the stone, an icy spike had driven itself against his mind. The pain was agonizing, assaulting his thoughts like a corkscrew being driven into his brain. As soon as his hand left it, the pain stopped, leaving Dorian shivering in a cold sweat. He passed the rock by his foot and tried to fit all the glowing stones into his field of vision. They no longer pulsed with soft light; their glow had grown darker, more sinister. They now flashed with a hungry vigor, taking their appearance from a low candle to that of a strobe light. Golduck’s explosion had done more than cripple the rock Pokemon threatening them; his psychic essence had bonded itself to the rocks all around, turning the road into a mental minefield. As Dorian shook his head to clear his mind, he saw Golduck.

    The duck Pokemon was firmly embedded in the rock wall in front of Dorian. His tongue hung limp out of his open bill, saliva dripping down to pool on the ground below. Golduck’s lifeless pupils were dilated to the extreme, speaking volumes of the inactivity behind them. As Dorian kept looking up, he saw that the small jewel in Golduck’s forehead had shattered, leaving a gaping hole. Lavender psychic energy drifted lazily out of the gap in his skull, forming a bubble above Golduck’s head.

    “Dammit,” Dorian muttered, no longer able to hold back tears.

    They streamed from his eyes in waves, splashing against the blackened ground below. Hanging his head, Dorian raised Golduck’s pokeball and activated the return button. Just as a red beam leapt from the ball and arced towards Golduck, Dorian remembered that it was pointless; it was impossible to call back dead Pokemon.
    Regardless of Dorian’s intentions, the red beam continued forward, striking the sapphire avian in the sternum. Golduck’s body morphed into solid energy and returned to his Pokeball. Dorian stared at the red and ivory ball in his hand, a few tears rolling sideways off of its glossy surface.

    “What?”


    ******************


    Shelton was crouched over Machop, the contents of her bag dumped into a pile by her side. She had sprayed the worst of Machop’s bloody wounds with potions and watched as his battered teal skin began to slowly knit itself back together. When the wounds on his arms, legs, and chest had closed back up, she balled up a spare shirt. Taking great care, she slid her hand under Machop’s head and pushed the shirt underneath, flinching when she saw that her hand was now covered in blood.

    “No!” she sobbed, slapping her hands against the ground. “No, no, no!”

    Tears began rolling across her cheeks again, called forth by another wave of emotion that racked her body. Shelton turned her head and dry heaved, cringing when hot bile caught in her throat. Breathing heavily, she turned back to Machop, trying to decide on her next course of action. She couldn’t roll him over to the side to assess the damage to his head without injuring him further, but she couldn’t let the injury to his head continue bleeding either. She sobbed harder when she realized that it didn’t matter, as most of his bones were broken anyway.

    She looked up as she heard Dorian and Growlithe approaching from the left, her eyes darting to Dorian’s face and then to the pokeball clutched in his left hand.

    “Is he-,” Shelton started, finding herself unable to finish the question.

    “He’s alive,” Dorian replied, kneeling down next to her. “I don’t know how he survived, but we have to get him to Viridian right now.”

    Whispering a prayer of thanks, she asked, “What about Machop?”

    “We’ll have to return him and hope we can get there in time too.”

    “If we put him in his ball, the stress of shrinking could kill him.”

    “What do you think is going to happen if we just leave him out?”

    “I know!” Shelton cried! “Just let me think for a second!”

    “Did you spray the worst of the wounds?” Dorian asked.

    “Yes,” Shelton said. “But I think he has a fracture in the back of his head because it’s bleeding really bad. We can’t flip him because he might go into shock.”

    “Did you try just lifting his head to see how bad it is?”

    “No, I think most of his vertebrae are broken, I didn’t want to risk it.”

    “Okay, did you tr-“ Dorian began.

    “I know what to do, Dorian!” Shelton yelled, shoving him backwards.

    “Stop!” Dorian ordered. “I’m just trying to help. I c-can’t, I don’t know what to do.”

    “I’m sorry,” Shelton said. “I’m sorry, I just, I don’t know, I don’t know.”

    “Hey,” Dorian said, pulling her hand into his. “It’s okay. Let’s just take this one step at a time. Think back to class. What do we do?”

    “I think that if we can mo-“ Shelton started, breaking off from her statement and uttering a small whimper.

    Machop’s eyelids were fluttering. Shelton drew in a sharp breath and stopped moving, focusing all her attention on her broken Pokemon. As she watched, his eyelids opened again and quickly closed. He repeated this several times before they slowly slid open and stayed that way. As his eyes found Shelton, he let out a soft moan that was cut off by the sound of liquid sloshing in his throat.

    “There he is,” Shelton cooed. “There’s my sweetheart.”

    Machop didn’t reply, just stared at Shelton.

    “I need you to do something for me sweetie. I need you to stay awake okay? Dorian and I are going to get you to the Pokemon Center in Viridian and you’ll be okay. I just need you to stay awake. Can you do that for me?”

    Again, Machop didn’t reply, he just kept staring at Shelton’s face.

    “I’ll make you a deal,” Shelton said, her tears splashing across Machop’s chest. “If you stay awake for me I’ll sing you your favorite song. Remember your song?”
    Machop’s eyes widened slightly for a moment, then started to work their way down again.

    “I’ll just sing it for you then, and you can stay awake, and we’ll get you to the Pokemon Center, okay?”

    Bending down closer to Machop’s head, Shelton sang, “Sunshine, my darling sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are grey. You’ll never know dear, how much I love you, please don’t take, my sunshine away…

    Machop’s eyes closed completely.

    “No Machop, no, no,” Shelton cried. “You have to stay awake. Okay? Okay?”

    “Shelton,” Dorian said. “We have to chance it, if we don’t; he’s going to die right here.”

    Ignoring Dorian, Shelton continued talking to Machop. “Sweetie you have to stay awake, okay? You have to fight it. You have to power through. I love you with all my heart Machop and I need you to fight. Please.”

    “Shel-“ Dorian started.

    “Shut up!” Shelton screamed. “Dammit Machop, just fight! Fight it! Your whole life you’ve been afraid of everything! I don’t know why and I don’t care, but this one time I need you to fight! Please!”

    Caught up in the moment and not understanding that she may be causing even more damage, Shelton grabbed Machop’s hands and started squeezing them harshly. “Fight! Just fight it dammit! Fight!"

    All of a sudden, Machop’s eyes flew open again. His body began to spasm uncontrollably, his hands tearing out of Shelton’s grasp and beating themselves against the ground. Machop bellowed, causing Dorian to grab Shelton and pull her backwards in alarm. As the pair watched, the pigment in Machop’s skin suddenly changed, becoming a creamy blue. His cranium split open and three bony crests forced themselves out of his skull, blood squirting out to form a halo around his head. The muscles in his arms, legs, and abdomen bulged unnaturally and expanded, becoming hard and thick. Inside Machop’s body, his bones snapped even more and repaired themselves instantly as his brain sent commands to flash generate calcium. Machop screamed again as the newly repaired bones stretched themselves, lengthening his torso and legs. With one final spasm, his face contorted, stretching itself wide, his mouth boasting two new pairs of razor sharp fangs.

    “Choke,” Machop wheezed.

    Shelton and Dorian stared in disbelief at the mound of muscle lying in front of them, mentally unable to utter a single word. Simultaneously, they both reached out to touch Machop, or rather the Machoke that had taken his place. When their fingers traced their way up and down his unblemished skin, they felt hard muscle, followed by strong, solid bone. Disbelief flashed across their faces as they probed every inch of the unconscious Pokemon, marveling in the power of his evolution.

    “Shelton, I just, I think he’s okay,” Dorian stated.

    “I think he is too,” Shelton agreed, fresh tears coming to her eyes.

    “Look alright, I think we can put him back in his ball now. We have to get to Viridian though. Golduck is just as bad, if not worse.”

    “What did he look like?” Shelton asked, looking away from Machop and up into Dorian’s face.

    “Listen, we don’t have time, we have to go.”

    “Okay,” Shelton said, taking a deep breath to steady herself. “Let’s go.”

    With the exception of the upstart Growlithe, they both returned their Pokemon to their respective balls and shouldered their packs. Shelton accepted Golduck’s pokeball when Dorian offered it, clutching it to her chest for safety. She stared at the shiny surface of the ball, whispering a quick prayer for her Pokemon’s health.

    “Growlithe,” Dorian called, summoning his Pokemon to his feet.

    “Groo,” Growlithe said sharply.

    “I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you earlier.” Dorian explained. “As you can imagine, I was a bit caught in the moment and I’m sorry. We have to get to Viridian or Golduck might not make it. Be mad at me if you want, but I need your help.”

    “Growlithe,” the dog Pokemon huffed, keeping his fangs exposed.

    “Good. I don’t know if there are any rock Pokemon left, so I need you to stay a little bit ahead and warn us if any more pop out. Can you do that?”

    “Groogroo!” Growlithe answered, puffing up his chest.

    “Thanks,” Dorian said, ruffling his mane. Turning to Shelton, he seized her hand and squeezed. He looked into her eyes and nodded, smiling as best as he could. She distractedly smiled back and wiped her eyes. Growlithe roared a challenge and started trotting up the side of the crater with Dorian and Shelton close behind. As the trio reached the top of hole, they started sprinting.
    Last edited by Sidewinder; 12th April 2012 at 3:13 AM.

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the amazing banner-


  9. #34
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    Another great chapter. Nothing popped out to me as a mistake. It was average length so not too short, not too long. Still really good. Shelton must not have been in a situation like that before. Poor girl. Golduck is alive I hope. I still love your take on evolution. It's much more in depth than the whole begin to glow and change form. So kudos on that. I hope they can get to Viridian soon. The poor Pokemon need a rest. Keep it up. Until next time!
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

  10. #35
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    Awww, you almost broke our hearts x3. But still, it was a rather melancholy chapter. It's funny how music can affect parts of a story and really make you feel the emotion. I listened to such music during Shelton's tending to Machop, and... oh gosh... the music intensified at the part where he was falling out of consciousness, and it got my eyes teary.

    But the Internet's a little slow, so the music hadn't loaded all the way.

    So as you can tell, that ruined the moment a little bit.

    Still, that doesn't mean it ruined the chapter's quality, because it's still a good chapter. It's rather gruesome, though, but not enough to warrant a higher rating. So yeah XD.

    And there's another evolution scene, bravo! Evolution's a bitch to the Pokémon, it's a quick, painful process instead of slow and steady, lol. But it's still a neat little (bloody) scene.

    Keep up the good work!
    Winner of Best Pokémon/Pokémon Fic of 2013 in the Shipping Oscars
    Current Chapter: Chapter Ten - 3/17/14 / Current: Requiem I - 11/17/14 - Chapter 21 progress: 66%
    I survived Pupa.

  11. #36
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    @ Shadow Lucario

    Golduck is alive I hope.
    Me too!

    I still love your take on evolution. It's much more in depth than the whole begin to glow and change form. So kudos on that.
    Thanks! It always made sense to me since almost every Pokemon that evolves completely changes their physical form.


    @ Kutie Pie


    It's funny how music can affect parts of a story and really make you feel the emotion.
    You're completely right. I listened to Van Morrison through about half your fic in fact, lol.

    It's rather gruesome, though, but not enough to warrant a higher rating. So yeah XD.
    To be honest, I was concerned about that when I posted it, so I'm glad you brough that up. I wasn't sure if I should have upgraded it, but I decided to stick with my gut and I guess it turned out okay.

    Thanks to both of you guys for reviewing, I really appreciate it! I'm glad you all liked it. Chapter 8 is about halfway finished, and should be posted by Friday.

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

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  12. #37
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    It came out shorter than I would have liked,
    Length schmength. I wouldn't worry about the length of the story. As long as it makes the Serebii minimum, it;ll be as long or as short as it needs to be to get the job done. I had a (wonderful) english teacher who told us "I'd rather get a well written report that's the shortest possible paper than one that's full of unneeded padding and looks like its padded." I like her.

    “Bags!” Dorian shouted. “Get the bags!”

    “Growlithe!” the fire type growled.

    “Look, get the bags or I’m going to beat the hell out of you!” Dorian screamed.

    After another menacing growl, Growlithe did as he was told, spinning around and scaling the side of the crater.
    I love where this scene is going, but I'm not quite sure it's all there yet. To my eyes, when I read this, there needs to be a pause between "Get the bags or" and Dorian's threat. Even when he's under pressure, I can't see him making threats to his Pokemon without cause or hesitation. In that same vein, I can't quite get it to make sense as a spoken threat. To me, it wants to be a gesture of some kind, possibly backed up by some kind of insult.

    "Dammit, the bags! Get the bags you miserable mutt!" he said swatting at the Growlithe.

    Granted, Pokemon ARE much more intelleigent, but I have a tendency to handle Dogmon from the aspect of owning a real dog. the threat comes from visual cues and tone of voice, not from what he's actually saying. To Growlithe, he probably sounds like the teacher from the Peanuts cartoon.

    Dorian had discovered that it had the same effect on humans. Ignoring the label on the vial that boasted the hazards of human inhalation, he broke the top and shoved it underneath Shelton’s nose.
    Ah, the age old medical peradox: if saomeone is injured and losing that much blood, is it better to wake them so they are conscious, or leave them blissfully unconscious and there fore unawaere of how much pain they're in?

    Obvoiusly, Dorian's not a doctor.

    One other little comment, but to say that "Dorian discovered" makes it sound like this is a breakthrough in medicine thanks to him, and without anything to check that statement, its in enough fics that it's not really a new thing, and I suspect any deperate trainer would try anthing.

    “Where are they?” she cried.
    This speaks volumes for Shelton's character, that her first thoughts were to her Pokemon, and not herself, her condition, date and time, etc.

    “Shelton I didn’t leave him out there. He yanked us up, I had no control over it.”
    needs a comma after Shelton, me thinks. Also, consider being more liberal with your exclamation points here. Dorian's trying to keep her calm, but he's still a bit riled himself and I can't help but wonder if he wouldn't start yelling back at her since she is attacking him, and then perhaps checking himself and taking a breath to calm himself. It would add a bit more emotion, I think.

    causing him
    even more pain. He straightened up quickly as he got to the top of the crater, unprepared for the sight that lay before him.
    Whoopsy! Got oen too many new lines in there.

    turning the road into a mental minefield. As Dorian shook his head to clear his mind, he saw Golduck.
    Ooh! Fun concept.

    Dorian stared at the red and ivory ball in his hand, a few tears rolling sideways off of its glossy surface.

    “What?”
    That's what I'm thinking, that what is extremely misinformative. If that's supposed to be Dorian being shocked that it worked, then it'ss not all that neccesary. If it has something to do with the crying Pokeball, or pobssibly water flowing in strange directions, then it needs a little more more information with it.

    “No,” she sobbed, slapping her hands against the ground. “No, no, no.”
    The very first No can carry its own exclamation point here, to show frustration. The last one defi natley should, to reflect her tantrum of sorts, and the ones in the middle can go either way.

    “I know!” Shelton cried. “Just let me think for a second.”
    Moar esclamashuns! Moar emoshuns! MOAR POWER!!!

    “If we put him in his ball, the stress of shrinking could kill him.”
    Hmm, now you've got an interesting elemia here. Shrinking? I can certainly understand mass-energy conversion being a beeotch on such an unstable body, but I can never get behind shrunken Pokemon.

    “Stop!” Dorian ordered. “I’m just trying to help! I c-can’t, I don’t know what to do.”
    Shelton and Dorian stared in disbelief at the mound of muscle lying in front of them, mentally unable to utter a single word. Simultaneously, they both reached out to touch Machop, or rather the Machoke that had taken his place. When their fingers traced their way up and down his unblemished skin, they felt hard muscle, followed by strong, solid bone. Disbelief flashed across their faces as they probed every inch of the unconscious Pokemon, marveling in the power of his evolution.

    “Shelton, I just, I think he’s okay,” Dorian stated.

    “I think he is too,” Shelton agreed, fresh tears coming to her eyes.

    “Look alright, I think we can put him back in his ball now. We have to get to Viridian though. Golduck is just as bad, if not worse.”

    “What did he look like?” Shelton asked, looking away from Machop and up into Dorian’s face.

    “Listen, we don’t have time, we have to go.”

    “Okay,” Shelton said, taking a deep breath to steady herself. “Let’s go.”
    One more, and then I'll shut up about continuity. When Trapinch evolved, he went from basically healthy to feeling a bit ill. To have Machoke miracously be okay after being hit by a small county, I can't buy it. Bones healed and muscle repaired, sure Makes sense, but physically, your verison of evolution is draining, and Machop had nothing to go on. At the very least, I feel like that muscle ought to be a lot less taut than normal, and he should be somewhere between anemic and malnourished because of it. I do like your style of evolution though, which is a nice compromise between the bright white flash of light and the growth-cycle style, which I feel creates to many inbetween stages for Pokemon that are both awkward and vulnrable. (Like Remoraid, jhalfway through evolution, it's got what, this big blocky boat anchor of a head, a small body, no fins for swimming movement, these dinky little limp thingys that aren't long enough to move its revolver-like body yet, shall i continue?)

    See what happens ehen you tell a convincing story?

    “Growlithe,” the dog Pokemon huffed, keeping his fangs exposed.
    Somebody carries a grudge, I guess I know who Dorian ISN'T getting a christmas card from this year...

    Loved the story though, even for my nitpicks. Nothing really grabbed me spelling wise, that's always a good thing. I hate being grabbed by documents, its hard on the monitor. :Phht!
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

  13. #38
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    “Groo!” a voice called from above,
    Period at the end, not comma.
    Usually used to wake a fainted Pokemon from unconsciousness, Dorian had discovered that it had the same effect on humans. Ignoring the label on the vial that boasted the hazards of human inhalation, he broke the top and shoved it underneath Shelton’s nose.
    I agree when Glover says that saying he “discovered” this was odd. You could just explain where he’s used this tactic before so that we know how he knows it works for humans.

    “He’s dead Shelton.” Dorian said. “I saw the energy discharge from his head right before the rock Pokemon hit him. He couldn’t have survived it. I mean, I saw it swallow his body.”
    Comma after “Shelton”, not a period. Also, Dorian seems awfully calm for having a pokémon just die. Why is that? Glover says that Shelton should be showing more emotion, but I think it’s Dorian who isn’t showing much emotion. You say he feels emotion later, but shouldn’t it also be present in his voice? Even if he’s trying to stay strong for Shelton, I’m sure he’d falter a bit so soon after the incident

    Golduck couldn’t be gone, he would not, he wasn’t even capable.
    This sentence doesn’t make much sense. Golduck isn’t capable of dying? Everyone is capable of dying. Also not sure what you mean when he says “he would not”.
    Golduck and Mahop, both of them were hurt.
    “Machop”
    Scattered around the boulders and piles of former rock Pokemon, stones hypnotically glowed lilac. They thrummed softly like a heartbeat, radiating brighter, then dimmer in random sequence. It was actually quite magical to behold amongst all the devastation.
    I particularly liked this part. Good description and sounds like a pretty sight (despite everything).
    “He’s alive,” Dorian replied, kneeling down next to her. “I don’t know how he survived, but we have to get to him Viridian right now.”

    “What about Machop?” she asked.
    Wouldn’t Shelton show some sort of relief? She shows no emotion here. Also, it should be “we have to get him to Viridian right now.”

    Anyway, this was a very well-written emotional chapter. Last chapter there was a lot of action and you needed to give your readers a break from the action so they could survey the damage, and you did just that. Emotion was missing in some spots I pointed out, but when it was there, it was written perfectly. I also found Machop’s evolution to be interesting. He’s obviously not 100% okay since he’s still barely conscious, but he was able to fight (for once?) and use the only survival tactic he had left without knowing it would work for sure. I also liked how Growlithe was most upset about Dorian forcing him to do things rather than the idea of dead pokémon. It shows how new he is to the team and how he doesn’t quite care for any of them yet. I also hope to see that change sometime. I have nothing else to say except that I look forward to the next chapter!

    | survival project |
    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | complete |


    | flying in the dark |
    | he's hiding something. she just doesn't know it. |
    | on hiatus|


    | love and other nightmares |
    | limited time, limited abilities. kyurem says she can be cured in exchange for saving those who need saving. |
    | chapter 3 released 11/22/14 |


  14. #39
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    @ Glover

    Length schmength. I wouldn't worry about the length of the story. As long as it makes the Serebii minimum, it;ll be as long or as short as it needs to be to get the job done. I had a (wonderful) english teacher who told us "I'd rather get a well written report that's the shortest possible paper than one that's full of unneeded padding and looks like its padded." I like her.
    Noted, thanks for the helpful advice

    Granted, Pokemon ARE much more intelleigent, but I have a tendency to handle Dogmon from the aspect of owning a real dog. the threat comes from visual cues and tone of voice, not from what he's actually saying. To Growlithe, he probably sounds like the teacher from the Peanuts cartoon.
    I didn't look at it that way. Thanks for bringing that up, I'll be sure to keep it in mind.

    Moar esclamashuns! Moar emoshuns! MOAR POWER!!!
    YES SIR! That is assuming you're a guy, which im pretty sure you are, haha

    Hmm, now you've got an interesting elemia here. Shrinking? I can certainly understand mass-energy conversion being a beeotch on such an unstable body, but I can never get behind shrunken Pokemon.
    That's exactly what I meant. The process of being put back into a pokeball. I guess I did use some awkward wording

    One more, and then I'll shut up about continuity. When Trapinch evolved, he went from basically healthy to feeling a bit ill. To have Machoke miracously be okay after being hit by a small county, I can't buy it. Bones healed and muscle repaired, sure Makes sense, but physically, your verison of evolution is draining, and Machop had nothing to go on. At the very least, I feel like that muscle ought to be a lot less taut than normal, and he should be somewhere between anemic and malnourished because of it.
    Well, where I was going with that, was that Trapinch evolved more of what would be considered the traditional way of battling and gaining experience until he had enough to evolve, whereas Machop evolved out of necessity to save his life. It was more of a reflex for him given his situation. A body wants to survive, and I tried my best to show that. I suppose what kicked him into action was Shelton screaming at him to do SOMETHING. The sound of her voice triggered something that made his body react. Since Pokemon undergo a complete physical change when they evolve, I guess it was the only way his body saw as a way to survive the massive trauma he experienced. If that makes sense?


    @ diamondpearl876


    I agree when Glover says that saying he “discovered” this was odd. You could just explain where he’s used this tactic before so that we know how he knows it works for humans.
    You're both right. I adjusted what I wrote so I think that it makes more sense now. Thanks to both of you for bringing that to my attention.

    Dorian seems awfully calm for having a pokémon just die. Why is that?
    Well, I think he was still in shock somewhat from the battle, he was still on edge. Also, Dorian is a real visual person, and doesnt react as intensely to a situation if he's not there to see it. Which is why he finally broke down once he saw Golduck embedded in the wall. I'm sure he was tore up about everything that happened, but since everything had happened so fast, I think he felt a bit numb to all of it. I need to do a better job describing that.

    This sentence doesn’t make much sense. Golduck isn’t capable of dying? Everyone is capable of dying. Also not sure what you mean when he says “he would not”.
    You're right. I was writing the scene so fast and got so caught up in what was happening, that it just stuck there. I removed it, and am much happier about it. Thanks for bringing it to my attention

    Wouldn’t Shelton show some sort of relief? She shows no emotion here. Also, it should be “we have to get him to Viridian right now.”
    I added a line of dialogue to express the relief she felt. It looks much better and works much better. She did feel relief when Dorian told her that, I guess in my rush I just forgot to put it in.



    Thanks to both of you for your continued feedback. It means alot to have all of you continue reading and helping out. If there was one thing that I gathered from all of you, its that I need to SLOW DOWN. Sometimes I just get lost in this world and forget to take my time. I get so involved with my characters that I forget that I need to make them relateable and cohesive for my readers. I know how their lives and their stories unfold, but no one else does. So I need to take more care to express their ideas and situation so that more people can understand what's going on in my head. Thanks alot for the reviews!

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the amazing banner-


  15. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    @ Glover
    Well, where I was going with that, was that Trapinch evolved more of what would be considered the traditional way of battling and gaining experience until he had enough to evolve, whereas Machop evolved out of necessity to save his life. It was more of a reflex for him given his situation. A body wants to survive, and I tried my best to show that. I suppose what kicked him into action was Shelton screaming at him to do SOMETHING. The sound of her voice triggered something that made his body react. Since Pokemon undergo a complete physical change when they evolve, I guess it was the only way his body saw as a way to survive the massive trauma he experienced. If that makes sense?
    Sorry, I'm not speaking as clearly as I ought to. No, that part makes perfect sense, you're right, an evolution resetting everything to zero is good for healing, what I'm getting at is more of the aftermath, and that Trapinch evolved fully healtyhy, knowing he was going to evolve, and more than likely, his body had been preparing for such things (which possibly caused the seizures) by storing food, and the things it needed to make a Vibrava. What I'm getting at, is BECAUSE Machop evolved on an instinct, he evolved with nothing in the tank, no sotred fat, no exrtra minerals for building bone, no nothing.


    Oh, and this:


    This sentence doesn’t make much sense. Golduck isn’t capable of dying? Everyone is capable of dying. Also not sure what you mean when he says “he would not”.
    You're right. I was writing the scene so fast and got so caught up in what was happening, that it just stuck there. I removed it, and am much happier about it. Thanks for bringing it to my attention
    You're story, do what you feel is right, but I feel that bit is neccesary.

    "He culdn't die, he can't die" isn't talking about his mortality. That's Shelton screaming at the Heavens, denying herself reality. It's "He can't die! Not yet, I still need him! Don't Take my Golduck away now!" We humans are stubborn things, think we can boss fate around and lots of published stories, movies, etc. will use the same phrase. That's all that line is saying, and it added so much to Shelton's emotional plea.

    And yes, it's can't not wouldn't.
    Last edited by Glover; 11th April 2012 at 7:48 PM.
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

  16. #41
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    Well, I think he was still in shock somewhat from the battle, he was still on edge. Also, Dorian is a real visual person, and doesnt react as intensely to a situation if he's not there to see it. Which is why he finally broke down once he saw Golduck embedded in the wall. I'm sure he was tore up about everything that happened, but since everything had happened so fast, I think he felt a bit numb to all of it. I need to do a better job describing that.
    Makes sense. It's not that you have to describe it better, I guess that I thought of it as an odd reaction at first since you haven't really shown Dorian as a visual person before yet, but now it makes sense.
    Last edited by diamondpearl876; 11th April 2012 at 10:10 PM.

    | survival project |
    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | complete |


    | flying in the dark |
    | he's hiding something. she just doesn't know it. |
    | on hiatus|


    | love and other nightmares |
    | limited time, limited abilities. kyurem says she can be cured in exchange for saving those who need saving. |
    | chapter 3 released 11/22/14 |


  17. #42
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    Sorry I haven't posted in a while, I've had alot to do. Anyway, I like the developing feel of adventure which has been getting stronger, as well as the way you have captured the emotions of panic and confusion very well. Can't wait for more!

    P.S DON'T EVER KILL OF GOLDUCK!!! FBVELVGWEFEFFDQ'[FII!?!?!
    Every story has an ending. Nothing lasts forever. Not any more.
    Read My Epic Fanfic -

        Spoiler:- Thanks to DeadlyBraviary!:

  18. #43
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    @ Glover

    What I'm getting at, is BECAUSE Machop evolved on an instinct, he evolved with nothing in the tank, no sotred fat, no exrtra minerals for building bone, no nothing.
    You're right, He didn't have any of that. Basiccally what I was going on was that unexpected things happen sometimes. Like all the stories you hear of a 120 pound man lifting a car off of his daughter. If that makes sense lol. Something inside Machop clicked, and his body defied what would usually be possible. He wasn't ready, and that's going to affect the rest of his life. I'll expand on that more as chapters progress.

    You're story, do what you feel is right, but I feel that bit is neccesary.
    I think you're right. I looked at your and diamondpearl876's advice, and I guess I got confused as to what you meant, and what diamondpearl876 meant. I put them both together and was confused, so I thought it better to take it out. diamondpearl876 was right, the wording made it unclear, but you were right too, it really did add emotion. I'm going back to put that bit in for the last time, this time in the right way so that it makes sense for everyone. Thanks for the advice!

    @ diamondpearl876

    Thanks for the contiued advice. I blended what you and Glover said, and I'm pretty happy with the result. Thanks!

    @ Scaldever

    Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate you taking the time to stop in. And believe me, I hope he's not dead either.

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the amazing banner-


  19. #44
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    All Ethan chapter! I was really excited about this, and I think it came out pretty well. To everyone who has been following and helping me out, thanks. All of you are really helpful in helping me make a great story. Thanks!


    CHAPTER 8


    Ethan watched the brown gravel road rush up to meet him and an Alakazam like a giant baseball bat, its marred surface eager to squash them into oblivion. However, they landed lightly, both somewhat shaky on their feet after having spent so much time in the air. As he checked the surrounding area for anyone who might have seen them touch down, he spied a small house a little further down the road. It looked almost lonely; as if it was somewhat depressed it was empty. He thought it was strange that the road ended at that particular house. The road was quite long, and it was kind of a letdown that it ended with such a ramshackle cottage.

    He looked over at Alakazam, taking in the sight of his drooping mustache. From the way his Pokemon was perspiring, he was obviously tired. As if to answer his question, Ethan’s Pokemon looked up to him and slowly shook his head. They stared at each other for a few moments, both having something to say, neither wanting to be the first. Ethan wasn’t going to back down and tell him he was tired and Alakazam wasn’t going to tell him that he was tired of looking for these stupid flakes.

    Both feeling unfulfilled, they broke off the stare and started scanning the ground, looking for the flake that Ethan was so desperate to find. The voices had shown him exactly where it would be. The house at the end of the road proved this, as it had been in the picture that was burned into his mind. He took a few steps forward, trying to line himself up exactly as he was supposed to for the picture to center itself. As he went to take one last step, he reconsidered, and stopped.

    Looking down, he saw a hole. There was nothing inside; well, almost nothing. As he bent down, he saw the flake. It glistened heartily, glowing olive as Ethan reached out to absorb it. Just like the last one, it drove itself into Ethan’s palm, twisting and burrowing itself into his flesh like a Caterpie into an apple. Tremors racked his body as it went deeper and deeper.

    “Enough already, Christ,” Ethan moaned, cradling his throbbing arm.

    Heeding his plea, the flake stopped moving and settled down. Grimacing, Ethan turned his hand over. Once again, the flake had left no evidence that it had been there, stitching his skin back together as it passed. Blood from his hand had dripped down into the hole that he had found the flake in, mixing with the dirt to form an oddly light shade of black. Ethan stared hard at it; he was always disappointed when he lost blood. He knew that his body produced more every day, but it still made him anxious to think that the substance that was sustaining his life had been so carelessly wasted.

    “Ala!” his Pokemon yelled.

    “Look!” Ethan growled, showing Alakazam his uninjured hand. “I’d appreciate it if you’d give me a little space. I’m fine! I was fine last time and the time before that! Get off my back about it!”

    “Ala!” Alakazam exclaimed, taking a step closer.

    “Of course not! Besides that, it’s something that I want to do. Its only ever helped us anyway.”

    “Kazam, zam ala.”

    “Oh screw you! You’ve been with me every step of the way. You can’t just spring these complaints on me out of nowhere. If you have a problem with something I’m doing, then say something right then. Don’t just spring it on me out of nowhere when the situation has passed. You do this all the time!”

    “Kazamam!” his Pokemon challenged.

    “I don’t have to ask for your permission! I involve you in my decisions because I love you! I’ve never led any of you into anything we couldn’t handle and I’m not about to start! Let it go!”

    “Kazam!” Alakazam accused, baring his small teeth.

    “Shut up,” Ethan hissed, roughly shoving his Pokemon backwards.

    “Ala!” his Pokemon yelled. As the sound left his lips, the psychic Pokemon flexed his right hand, calling an orb of psychic energy to hover above his palm. The ball gyrated quickly, eager to be released. The colors thrummed from purple to black, with grey streaks swirling around its center.

    “Do it,” Ethan whispered, grabbing his Pokemon’s hand.

    “Kazam,” his Pokemon replied.

    “Come on, do it,” Ethan said, egging the Pokemon on.

    “Alakazam.”

    “You lack the courage of your convictions,” Ethan accused, shoving his face into the swirling ball of energy.

    “KAZAM!”

    As Ethan’s faced grazed the exterior of the ball, his flesh began to fester and burn, quickly bypassing first degree and going straight to third. His Alakazam quickly ended the flow of power feeding the orb’s energy, effectively saving his master from further injury. The attack had broiled the lower half of his face, making him quickly reel backwards in pain. He stumbled backwards, his hands reaching up in reflex to put pressure on the wound.

    He watched Alakazam approach, his eyes beginning to tear with worry. The pain he felt vanished instantly as he took a breath and centered himself; the flakes were already doing their work. As he continued to breathe, the burned and ruined flesh on his face evaporated in a stream of black smoke, being replaced by the tan, flawless skin that had been there before. Reaching up again, he felt his unblemished skin stretch itself tight across his chin.

    Looking at his Alakazam, he stated, “That’s why we do this. This is why we’re out here.”

    “Kazam,” his Pokemon lamented.

    “I do value your opinion, but we agreed on this a long time ago.”

    Alakazam just stared at him.

    “And you will not mention that incident again. Do you understand?”

    “Kazam,” his Pokemon nodded.

    Ethan walked away, the gravel crunching delightfully under his boots. The memory of ‘the incident’, as he referred to it was still fresh in his mind all these years later. Still disconcerting, still raw. It was a few years after he had absorbed the first flake. He was fifteen; god, he had been fifteen. He was training hard, developing his new abilities when it had happened. He had been running so fast, too fast to stop. Then it happened and it was his fault. His fault, his decision, his fault; it bounced around in his mind like a tennis ball.

    “Doesn’t matter,” he told himself.

    He stopped at the steps to the house, trying to figure out his next move. The voices, the disembodied guides of his fate had told him that the flake was going to be there. They said he could have it, if he would do them a small flavor. The third favor that they had asked of him. He had been collecting the small shards of stone for the last several months. He wasn’t sure why, just that they were adamant that he left none of them behind. When he asked them about it, they said it would be revealed when he was ready. As far as he could tell, they had his best interests at heart. They always did, they never led him astray. However, the shard that was supposed to be there was gone, and he didn’t know where else to look.

    Sighing loudly, he scaled the steps of the house and in one motion busted down the front door. He barely felt the impact as his shoulder tore the door from its hinges, sending it flying across the room. Glass shattered, violet furniture was upended, and pictures fell facedown off the walls.

    Bending down, he picked up one of the picture frames that had fallen. Two people, surrounded by Pokemon, smiled serenely in the photograph. The man was broad shouldered but thin, hints of scruff taking shape on his jaw line. The woman was curvy and pleasant, with hair like sunlight. A feeling of anxiousness washed over the man as he stared at the two people, his mind recalling a similar feeling he had felt not too long ago. Why were these two bothering him? He couldn’t figure it out. He was sure he’d never seen them before, but for some reason they seemed familiar. Acquaintances long forgotten? Looking around the home, he quickly put that thought away; he didn’t associate with bottom rung people like this.

    Dropping the picture back to the ground, he called, “Come in here!”

    A moment later, Alakazam entered the room, stepping over broken pieces of the demolished door.

    “With me,” Ethan instructed, walking towards the rear of the house.

    He strode past wall décor and broken vases alike, looking for what he needed. At the end of the hall, he found it, a bedroom. The room was vastly unorganized, with piles of clothes and books scattered about like a bomb had went off. Curling his lip in disgust, he roughly laid down on the bed that was shoved into the corner. He rolled from side to side to get comfortable, stopping when the comforter beneath him smoothed out.

    “Five minutes,” Ethan said as Alakazam entered the room. “I just have to ask them.”

    Figuring it was better not to argue, Alakazam nodded and approached his master. Laying one hand across his brow and the other across his master’s eyes, he concentrated. He transferred deep waves of calm into Ethan, slowing his heart rate and causing his eyes to flutter. Hands glowing black, he pushed down hard on his master’s face, sending him into unconsciousness.



    *****************


    Ethan blinked.

    Sunlight blazed above his head, bathing his skin in rich heat. He propped himself up onto his elbows and stared straight ahead, taking in the sight of the crystal clear water gently throwing itself against the sand. He was on an island, far away from any signs of life. The beach he was laying on was large, at least a square mile, starting with sand near the ocean and ending with a circular ring of grass around the middle. Turning his head around, he saw the tower.

    It stretched towards the sky like a newborn hand reaching for life. Ethan didn’t know how far up it went, but it was assuredly several thousand feet tall. Weathered black and grey with age, it kept standing; unchallenged by time as it ravaged its surface. Once, the voices had let Ethan touch the structure; and when his hand grazed its surface, he felt the hardship of the slaves that had built it from solid blocks of granite.

    They were coming.

    He felt them as he rose to his feet, dusting the sand from his legs and straightening his clothes to look as presentable as possible. Ethan could already feel their soothing presence as they approached, filling him with comfort, showering him with love. He breathed deeply, drinking in their essence as they circled him. Ethan smiled as they swirled around him faster, feeling their breath on his neck.

    “I missed you,” Ethan admitted.

    We missed you, Ethan,” a chorus of overlapping voices replied.

    Their voices were hard to understand in the beginning, back when he was a young boy. As he grew older however, their words became clearer, along with their intentions for him. As a child, they sounded like several record players all playing music, the track skipping and cutting out in unison. As an adult, they had transformed into a beautiful orchestra, making him almost weep with joy when they spoke.

    “I found the flake you told me about, but I ran into a problem,” Ethan explained. “The shard was gone. I’m sure you were right about its location, but someone must have taken it, or a truck picked it up as it drove by. Either wa-“

    We know, Ethan,” they said, cutting him off. “It was taken, it was stolen. They took it.”

    “Who?”

    The boy, the girl, they took it. The one’s that cause you worry,” the voices continued. “We watched, but we could not stop them. You are our champion; you must take it back from them.”

    “Why did they take it?” Ethan asked.

    For money,” they said. “We heard them, we SAW them.”

    “Where did they go?” Ethan asked.

    The city of stone,” they replied, “to the east.”

    “There is no way they could even profit from it. They don’t even know what it is.”

    They bring the piece to a man; a man who knows about the treasure. He will take it from them and he will tell others. They will be led to us, and we will fade away.”

    “No, you won’t!” Ethan assured them, tears beginning to form in his eyes at the thought of losing his family. “I’ll stop them, I swear it. I will take the piece back and as a warning to anyone else who might steal from us, I will take payment from their flesh.”

    You honor us, Ethan,” they continued. “You have grown, you have saved us. Thank you Ethan, thank you. You will be rewarded.”

    “You honor me,” Ethan replied, no longer able to hold back his tears. “You have done so much, I don’t, d-don’t deserve so much.”

    You do Ethan, you do,” they replied, laughing merrily as they spoke. “You are our champion, and for your efforts, you will reap the world.”

    Ethan fell to his knees in awe. He could not see the entities spinning around him, but he could feel their presence grow as they circled faster, laughing all the while. What he said before wasn’t true of course; he believed that he did deserve what they would give him. He deserved all of it and more, it belonged to him anyway. He was better than his fellow man, and he knew it with every fiber of his being.

    Suddenly, the sunlight above began to flicker, losing its radiance. The waves splashing against the shore began to churn faster, becoming a dark black. Ethan had told Alakazam to wake him, but now he didn’t want to go back; he never did after he spoke to them. His feet left the ground and he started floating upwards, leaving them behind. He cried harder the further away he drifted, reaching down towards the ground in futility. As the sunlight flickered out completely, he heard them call out to him one last time.

    Save us, Ethan,” they called. “Save us!”


    *************



    Ethan woke up again, back to reality this time. He was covered in sweat, so much so that his shirt stuck to him from his neck, all the way down to his waist. Wiping the tears from his eyes, Ethan rose, turning to Alakazam to instruct him of their next course of action. Alakazam however, was having nothing to do with what he wanted to say. Taking one look at his friend and master, he turned and left the room, moving through the house to stand outside.

    With a sigh Ethan followed suit, pausing by the door to pick up the picture frame he had earlier held. With a look of contempt, he tore the picture from its frame and walked outside. He took several deep breaths, trying to cleanse himself of the smell left behind by those two thieving hooligans. Ethan knew nothing of the shard’s significance, but he was more entitled to it than they were. They could not appreciate it for what it was. They were ants beneath his boots, and they would pay for what they had done. Retrieving two pokeballs from his pocket, he threw them to the road below.

    From the confines of each storage device, two shapes emerged. From the first, a creamy vanilla stallion materialized; a single ivory horn visible between her glowing red eyes. Standing almost taller than Ethan, the horse reared up onto its back legs, screeching a challenge that could be heard for over a mile. Tangerine fire followed a line from the top of her head down to the plump curve of her backside. Muscles along the horse’s legs twitched as the fire flickered, signaling her pleasure at being released.

    From the second pokeball, another figure grew. This one was a deep emerald, with deep black scars littering much of her torso. Clawed ivory feet became apparent, followed by overlapping sheets of a carapace. Twin sets of wings came next, followed by two arms that from the elbow down proclaimed shining swords instead of the traditional hands. Her torso was segmented like an insect, while her head had the sharp attributes of an ancient dinosaur.

    The two looked backwards at their master, eager for instruction. They had the utmost devotion to him, for both had been rescued from grim death at his hands. They watched as he descended the steps, pausing to stroke the mane of his Rapidash. He had fierceness about him that they had not see before, a look on his face that caused his Scyther to clang her swords together with pride.

    “Alakazam,” Ethan said, seeing his Pokemon leaning against the side of the house. “Come here.”

    Alakazam did as he was told, grunting as he arrived at his master's feet.

    “Put this picture in Scyther, make sure it goes deep,” Ethan instructed.

    “Ala,” the psychic Pokemon replied, snatching the picture from his hand.

    Focusing on the picture, Alakazam’s eyes glowed, copying the picture into his memory. Walking over, he sized up the insect Pokemon. The Scyther did the same thing as he approached, hissing at him through clenched teeth. The two had a rivalry that had started many years ago when Ethan had caught Scyther. She disliked Alakazam for being too tame, while Alakazam had distaste for Scyther because she was completely sadistic. On more than one occasion he had caught her torturing helpless Rattata and Pidgey, laughing maniacally as she severed wings and appendages alike.

    When Ethan threw the insect Pokemon a glare, she relented, lowering her arms and allowing Alakazam to approach. With distaste, Alakazam touched one hand to the Scyther’s forehead, transferring the image in his mind to the mentally unstable bug. When he was finished, he walked over to the porch and sat down, the rigors of the recent flying finally taking its toll.

    “Have you got it?” Ethan asked his Scyther.

    “Saisai,” the Pokemon nodded.

    “I’m taking Rapidash to Pewter City,” he explained. “If you fly, you’ll get there faster than us. Find the two humans. If you track them down, do nothing. Just follow them and wait for me to arrive.”

    “Sai,” she sighed, making a point to roll her eyes.

    “I mean it, no dismemberment this time. If you disobey, the consequences will not be to your liking.”

    “Scyther,” she growled. Smiling wickedly at Alakazam, she rose up, her wings beating furiously. Seconds later, she was gone.

    Ethan strode over to his fire horse, clapping her appreciatively on the cheek. Grabbing her neck with his left hand, he swung himself onto her back. The flames enveloping her body caused him no harm; she had made sure of it. A dull heat radiated from her body, drying out his sweat drenched shirt.

    Looking over to Alakazam, Ethan said, “Let’s go.”

    Alakazam remained rooted to the spot, not even giving his master the respect of looking at him.

    “Now,” Ethan whispered, the word dripping with venom.

    With a growl, Alakazam rose off the ground and floated over to the fire horse. He landed roughly and closed his eyes, his mind stoic and silent.

    “Pewter City,” Ethan told his fire Pokemon. “We have business there.”

    Tossing her head back, his Rapidash galloped forward, leaving fiery hoof prints behind as she ran.
    Last edited by Sidewinder; 17th April 2012 at 2:26 AM.

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the amazing banner-


  20. #45
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    Quote Originally Posted by Glover View Post
    "He culdn't die, he can't die" isn't talking about his mortality. That's Shelton screaming at the Heavens, denying herself reality. It's "He can't die! Not yet, I still need him! Don't Take my Golduck away now!" We humans are stubborn things, think we can boss fate around and lots of published stories, movies, etc. will use the same phrase. That's all that line is saying, and it added so much to Shelton's emotional plea.

    And yes, it's can't not wouldn't.
    If I remember right, that bit wasn't dialogue. If it was dialogue, I would've agreed/do agree with you. To say something like that in narration, however, is a bit odd and doesn't make as much sense unless it's first/second person.

    Anyway, I will be reading and reviewing chapter 11 soon, just wanted to say this. I'll be back, muahaha.

    EDIT: Okay, review time. Woot.

    He was an on island, far away from any signs of life.
    Should be “on an island”. Just mixed up a couple words.

    The beach he was laying on was large, at least a square mile. Starting with sand near the ocean and ending with a circular ring of grass around the middle.
    The second sentence there is a fragment sentence. It just doesn’t make sense by itself. It seems like a continuation of the previous sentence, yet you put it all on its own for some reason. I would put a comma after “mile” and continue the sentence.

    Alakazam did as he was told, grunting as he arrived at his masters feet.
    Should be “master’s feet.” The apostrophe shows possession.

    She disliked Alakazam for being too tame, while Alakazam had distaste for Scyther because she was completely psychotic. On more than one occasion he had caught her torturing helpless Rattata and Pidgey, laughing maniacally as she severed wings and appendages alike.
    I don’t really know if I like the word “psychotic” here. It seems more sadistic to me. I’d argue for sociopathic, too, if the Scyther didn’t care about Ethan. Just keep in mind that psychosis doesn’t always mean violence, though it can. That’s the most common thought when people think of psychosis (and mental illness in general), but it mostly means that the person is experiencing a total disconnect from reality and having hallucinations/delusions (aka thinking dead people are talking to you or that you think you are being investigated by the FBI for no reason).

    If this was first person, I would let such stereotypes go since it’s very believable for someone to fall into those stereotypes. Third person makes me wary and prone to believe that you yourself think that psychosis means extreme, gruesome violence.

    My only other complaint is that you forgot to put a space in between some paragraphs, which is easy to see if you go back and skim over the chapter.

    I liked how you portrayed the characters’ moods through the description of their surroundings. ie. I liked how you showed Ethan/Alakazam’s lack of fulfillment at the end of journey through the imagery of having a house nearby be lonely/empty ever though it was at the end of the road. Very perfect and fitting.

    Also, the part where Ethan eggs Alakazam on and forces him to hurt his master was pretty epic. The part where he just stuck his face into the attack was good imagery and very effective and just awesome overall. As I was reading I didn’t expect things to get heated so fast, but the way you wrote it made it believable and a good transition of things going from okay to really bad. It also makes me wonder if Ethan thinks he’s rather invincible, since he’s so convinced that no one ever sees him flying everywhere and he doesn’t truly get hurt by the flakes he finds, or any other injury for that matter. I also like how delusional he seems to make himself—he says he’s happy and that the voices aren’t trying to hurt him, but he’s obviously not happy and this journey has been hell for him so far, it seems like.

    Finally, I liked how you already gave some of Ethan’s other pokémon personalities (the description wasn’t very elaborate but it was good to see included anyway).

    Overall, great chapter. It was interesting and well written and certainly makes me want to read more. Anyway, I look forward to the next chapter. I liked seeing Ethan only for a change, but I assume we’ll see how the others are doing later, so we can see if Golduck survived or not!
    Last edited by diamondpearl876; 14th April 2012 at 11:23 PM.

    | survival project |
    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | complete |


    | flying in the dark |
    | he's hiding something. she just doesn't know it. |
    | on hiatus|


    | love and other nightmares |
    | limited time, limited abilities. kyurem says she can be cured in exchange for saving those who need saving. |
    | chapter 3 released 11/22/14 |


  21. #46
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    EDIT: Okay, review time. Woot.
    Lol, I saw where you posted in your fic that you went back and edited your post with a review. Thanks for telling me, because I would not have known otherwise haha

    I don’t really know if I like the word “psychotic” here. It seems more sadistic to me. I’d argue for sociopathic, too, if the Scyther didn’t care about Ethan. Just keep in mind that psychosis doesn’t always mean violence, though it can. That’s the most common thought when people think of psychosis (and mental illness in general), but it mostly means that the person is experiencing a total disconnect from reality and having hallucinations/delusions (aka thinking dead people are talking to you or that you think you are being investigated by the FBI for no reason).
    That's an excellent point, thanks for bringing it to my attention. Sadistic is a much better word to use. And you're right, the first thing my mind went to when I see the word psychotic is violence. I know that violence is not always a trait of the condition, so I'll be sure to keep that in mind when writing future chapters about Ethan's Scyther.

    It also makes me wonder if Ethan thinks he’s rather invincible, since he’s so convinced that no one ever sees him flying everywhere and he doesn’t truly get hurt by the flakes he finds, or any other injury for that matter. I also like how delusional he seems to make himself—he says he’s happy and that the voices aren’t trying to hurt him, but he’s obviously not happy and this journey has been hell for him so far, it seems like.
    Wow, you really picked up on what Ethan is to me. He is somewhat self deluded, and may have a bit of a god complex lol. I'm really happy you picked up on what I was trying to convey.

    Thanks for the review, I really appreciate it. I'm glad you're still following the story and enjoying it. I'm going back now to fix the mistakes I made, thanks for pointing them out.

    Just so everyone knows, the new chapter should be up by Friday, so stay tuned!

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

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  22. #47
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    That's an excellent point, thanks for bringing it to my attention. Sadistic is a much better word to use. And you're right, the first thing my mind went to when I see the word psychotic is violence. I know that violence is not always a trait of the condition, so I'll be sure to keep that in mind when writing future chapters about Ethan's Scyther.
    Awesome. :P Well, it's a term that should be remembered in real life too since it's used a lot, but yeah. Sorry if I seem like I'm lecturing you or whatever, mental illness and its stereotypes is a big thing to me.

    Wow, you really picked up on what Ethan is to me. He is somewhat self deluded, and may have a bit of a god complex lol. I'm really happy you picked up on what I was trying to convey.
    I was able to do it because you wrote him so well. :P

    Will be looking forward to Friday, then.

    | survival project |
    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | complete |


    | flying in the dark |
    | he's hiding something. she just doesn't know it. |
    | on hiatus|


    | love and other nightmares |
    | limited time, limited abilities. kyurem says she can be cured in exchange for saving those who need saving. |
    | chapter 3 released 11/22/14 |


  23. #48
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    Quote Originally Posted by diamondpearl876 View Post
    Awesome. :P Well, it's a term that should be remembered in real life too since it's used a lot, but yeah. Sorry if I seem like I'm lecturing you or whatever, mental illness and its stereotypes is a big thing to me.



    I was able to do it because you wrote him so well. :P

    Will be looking forward to Friday, then.
    Oh no you're fine. I understand what you're getting at. It was rather short-sighted of me. I got really excited writing this chapter because I could focus solely on Ethan, which was new for me. I think in my haste to write down what was happening, I made some decisions like the one mentioned without thinking. Thanks for reminding me.

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the amazing banner-


  24. #49
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    As I was looking for my thread to post this chapter, I noticed that I have now gotten over 1,000 views! Woooo! Thanks to everyone who has been giving me reviews, and everyone who's been reading. It means alot, and its only with you're help can I continue to improve my story. As always, reviews are welcome, and encouraged, and thanks to everyone still stayong with the story


    CHAPTER 9



    Dorian rolled to his right as Nuzleaf launched another bullet seed at him. As his grass Pokemon ran forward, Dorian grabbed a handful of pebbles and threw them, causing his Pokemon to raise his right hand to deflect them. Taking advantage of his Pokemon’s momentary lack of vision, Dorian jumped up and lashed out with his left foot, striking his Pokemon squarely in the chest. His Nuzleaf stumbled backwards a few paces, a grin forming on his thin lips.

    The two had been sparing for the better part of an hour, both being pushed to the edge of their physical limits as they struggled to best one another. While Nuzleaf had the advantage of being able to use elemental attacks as well as his physical skills, Dorian bridged the gap with his Pokeflect. The pair were almost evenly matched when it came to their knowledge of hand-to-hand fighting techniques, as they had been taking weekly classes since Nuzleaf had evolved almost three years ago. In direct contest though, Nuzleaf usually won, as his advantage with speed almost always conquered Dorian’s constant use of trickery. The training field they were practicing on was located right outside Viridian’s northern exit, its surface scarred heavily from constant use by trainers.

    Almost thirty-six hours had passed since Dorian and Shelton had burst through the doors of Viridian City’s Pokemon Center, both so winded they could barely communicate the conditions of their injured Pokemon. Nuzleaf, Vibrava, and Shuppet required only a few moments in the healing machine to bring them back to their former glory; whereas Machoke and Golduck were both taken into the ICU for specialized treatment. Machoke had been released in under an hour after a few standard tests, the tecnician in charge confident that he would make a complete recovery. Golduck on the other hand, was not so lucky.

    After almost three hours spent in surgery, a technician came out to deliver the news. Shelton started sobbing again as the man emerged from behind the pale red doors, collapsing against Dorian as her legs became unable to support her trembling body. The technician had been direct, informing them that the situation was rapidly deteriorating. The amount of energy Golduck had summoned was too much even for his capable mind. The jewel in his forehead had shattered with the explosion, creating a hole from which his psychic essence poured out. Not only that, but the shards of the ruby had embedded themselves in his left arm like shrapnel blown from a grenade. The shards had opened multiple deep lacerations in the arm, effectively shredding the limb into tatters.

    “Nunuz,” his Pokemon taunted, beckoning him forward with an outstretched hand.

    Dorian approached slowly at first, and then sprinted forward, crouching down low as he ran. Nuzleaf jumped forward to meet his master, cocking his right arm back in preparation. The two met each other confidently, both at ease with the other; this was fun. As Nuzleaf threw the punch at Dorian, his master twisted his body to the right, avoiding the blow and putting him in reach of Nuzleaf’s ribs. Before Dorian could land a punch however, Nuzleaf hopped backwards and launched another bullet seed attack. Dorian raised a hand in front of his face, reveling in the warm aftershock ricocheting off his body as the Pokeflect reflected the attack away from him. Unfazed, Nuzleaf jumped forward, raining heavy blows with his feet as well as his fists.

    “You’re covered in sap today, dummy,” Dorian laughed, blocking Nuzleaf’s punches and launching a few of his own. Try as he might though, Nuzleaf blocked his every attempt, twisting his body from side to side to get inside Dorian’s guard. The two settled into a familiar rhythm of blocking and attacking, allowing Dorian’s mind to drift once more.

    After Shelton was made aware of Goluck’s condition, she hovered outside the operating room like a Pidgey, refusing Dorian’s repeated attempts to get her to rest. As the hours ticked by, they received regular updates from the same sleepy looking technician. One team of doctors were struggling with how to cap the hole in Golduck’s forehead, while another did their best to salvage the remains of his left arm. The news fluctuated wildly, going from hopeful, to worried, then back to optimistic as they worked through the night without reprieve.

    After a particularly good status report some hours after that, Dorian finally convinced Shelton to sit down. As she lowered herself into the cushioned chair, she snaked her arm around Dorian’s, laying her head on his shoulder and breathing deeply. She had fallen asleep in minutes, leaving Dorian with the problem of moving and waking her up, or sitting still and giving her the rest she needed. He chose the latter out of pity, as she really did look quite exhausted.

    Dorian had drifted off himself shortly thereafter; his hand’s grasping Shelton’s tenderly. They made an odd sight in the waiting room, both filthy, covered in cuts and bruises; yet both looked very peaceful as they slept. After a few hours of dreamless slumber, Dorian had woken up as a finger was poked into his ribs. Shelton stood in front of him drying her newly washed hair, eight stitches tracing a line along the top of her forehead.

    “Hah!” Dorian shouted, snapping back to reality and deflecting an elbow thrown at him and twisting Nuzleaf’s arm into a painful lock. Dorian spun Nuzleaf around, letting go when he made a full rotation, launching his Pokemon into the air.

    “Nuz!” his Pokemon called, twisting himself around to face Dorian as he flew through the air. Just before he connected with the ground however, his body folded in on itself in a flash of black light, a loud bang being heard as air rushed in to fill the spot his body had just occupied.

    Dorian reeled backwards as his Pokemon reappeared in front of him, flinging his arms up to defend himself. Nuzleaf drew back a fist and jumped up, disappearing yet again as his master reached out to block his strike. Seconds later, a loud bang sounded behind Dorian as Nuzleaf crashed into him, knocking him sprawling. As Dorian flipped himself back over, he raised a hand, using his Pokeflect to block the bullet seed launched at him. Nuzleaf lashed out with a roundhouse kick to Dorian’s head as the glowing pellets spiraled away, his teeth bared in concentration. The kick connected solidly, forcing Dorian’s head to slam against the ground again.

    “I yield, Jesus!” Dorian shouted as Nuzleaf started forward on him again.

    “Nunuz,” his Pokemon grinned, taking a seat on the ground beside his master.

    The ground around them was littered with holes and scorch marks, the result of years of trainer and Pokemon practice. As the pair looked up towards Viridian City, they took in the destruction around them, both thinking of Golduck. After Dorian had woken up and showered earlier that day, he had grabbed Nuzleaf and came here to train, hoping that the normalcy of their weekly routine would help his heavy heart. It had to some degree, allowing him to focus on battling and escaping from Shelton’s panicked looks for awhile.

    “Shelton hasn’t called yet, but let’s go back,” Dorian suggested.

    “Nuzleaf,” his Pokemon agreed. “Nuznuz.”

    “Yeah, I’m thinking about him too.”


    ************


    Shelton shifted uncomfortably on the worn leather seat in the waiting room, her left hand absentmindedly picking at a scab on her right. Looking towards the double doors at the end of the hall she sighed anxiously, seeing no indication that they were going to open. She looked around the Pokemon Center in an attempt to distract herself, taking in the sight of Pokemon and their trainers scattered around its interior. They all moved with purpose, with haste, all lining up at the growing line in front of the healing machine. The tile beneath their feet had lost its former shining glory, playing host to scuff marks and clods of dirt instead. Machinery whirled behind the main desk, tended by technicians who were busy rotating scores of Pokeballs in and out of its confines.

    “Hey,” a voice said from behind her.

    Shelton turned around slowly, finding it hard to take her eyes off a lone Psyduck waddling across the room. Dorian stood there smiling, with Nuzleaf in his usual spot by his right side. She smiled half-heartedly back, her mind too distracted to really mean it. Dorian didn’t look too bad besides the bandages wrapped around different parts of his arms, doctoring the wounds left behind by the Graveler that had held him hostage. He was dressed normally in blue jeans and t-shirt; the sea foam color of his top brightening the color of his emerald eyes.

    “Hey,” she responded, turning back around to watch the doors.

    Both Dorian and his Nuzleaf hopped over the row of seating behind her, the former taking a seat to her left. Nuzleaf climbed onto her lap and looked up at her with his wide eyes, cupping her face softly in his hands as he looked at her. She smiled down at him, touched by the Pokemon’s gesture of affection. Reaching down, she scratched a spot at the small of Nuzleaf’s back, dragging her sharp nails across his wooden body. The sound the nails made as they moved always gave her goose bumps, but Nuzleaf loved it and immediately hugged her close, burying his face in her hair.

    “Any word yet?” Dorian asked.

    “Not since you guys left,” Shelton answered. “Did it help at all?”

    “For awhile,” Dorian admitted. “But neither of us could stop thinking about it.”

    “I appreciate that,” she said.

    “It’s fine. He’s my family too.”

    “I know, and I’m sorry for flipping out on you yesterday. I appreciate you not bringing it up.”

    “It’s fine. You were in a bad frame of mind, a lot was happening. I’m just glad you’re okay.”

    “Same here,” Shelton assured him. “I’ll be honest Dorian, I can’t think straight. If they don’t come back ou-“

    On perfect cue, the doors at the end of the hall opened wide, their technician’s lab coat billowing serenely behind him as he walked. Shelton stiffened when she saw him, as if he had suddenly been transformed into the grim reaper. Her mind raced; the last two updates had been really positive, but the technician had stressed several times that many variables were in play and that nothing was certain. He was a pleasant looking man, with a round body and short spiky gray hair. His white button down was tinged yellow from sweat around his collar, while his tie had been thrown over his shoulder as if it had been an annoyance.

    Shelton pulled Dorian close as the man approached; her mind unable to discern the blank expression on the technician’s face. Tears began to well in her eyes again as the man pulled out a chair to sit directly in front of her. She began to ask, but the question caught in her throat like a large chunk of food.

    Reaching out and clasping Shelton on the shoulder, the man said, “Golduck’s alive.” The man had a deep accent, which she immediately identified as Unovan from the way he lengthened his vowels.

    Breathing out a sigh of relief, Shelton let her tears fall. “Thank you so much. W-when you came out, I almost lost it.”

    “I’ve always prided myself on being perceptive, and that’s the feeling I got,” the man grinned, trying to lighten the obvious emotional angst. “But there are a few things we need to talk about, because we had to make some changes in order to save his life.”

    “Like what?” Shelton asked, her stomach dropping suddenly to somewhere below her feet.

    “Well, how about this,” the man started. “They’re bringing him out of surgery now, so how about we go to his room. He’ll probably still be unconscious, but you can see him. And then I’ll explain what we had to do. Sound good?”

    Shelton was about to demand the answer right there, but her desire to see Golduck came first and she ended up not saying anything.

    “Sir?” Dorian asked. What’s your name?”

    “Michael Thompson,” he answered.

    “Well, it’s nice to meet you Mr. Thompson, and that sounds like a great idea,” Dorian smiled, giving Shelton’s hand a light squeeze.

    “Good,” Michael said, getting up from the chair. “If you’ll follow me?”

    Without waiting for an affirmation, the technician turned and walked back through the red door with Shelton, Dorian, and Nuzleaf close behind.

    The Intensive Care Unit was truly a sight to behold. Everything gleamed like polished metal; from the hexagonal walnut desk in the middle of the room, to the blue ceramic tile lining the floor. People and Pokemon alike darted past quickly, all focused on a particular task. Several people were seated behind the biblically unorganized desk, all holding more than one phone in their hands. Various diagrams of Pokemon anatomy littered every wall, the photos depicting every species from Starmie, all the way to Stunfisk. The scent of disinfectant was rampant, filling their nostrils and making their heads swim as they followed the technician. He paused at a closed door to the right of the desk, checking to make sure that the group was still behind him. Nodding, he opened the door and walked inside, Shelton almost tripping over him in her hurry to follow.

    The room was sparingly lit by fluorescent lighting above, accenting the soft hues of orange and russet painted in stripes across the walls. A single hospital bed was situated at the center of the far wall, with a nurse bending down to examine its occupant. Shelton’s breathing stopped as her eyes took in Golduck.

    The once bright sapphire duck’s feathers were now a muted shade of blue, signaling the stress that it had exposed to. Portions of his body had lost feathers entirely, resulting in bare patches where soft pink skin was visible. Another part of him that was obviously out of the ordinary was a small metal spike that protruded from the center of his forehead. As Shelton drew closer, she saw that the spike was centered in the middle of a piece of glass that replaced the ruby he had previously had. Shelton’s eyes moved across Golduck’s body, stopping on the portion that had changed the most significantly.

    “N-no, no,” Shelton whispered.

    Golduck’s left arm was gone, as in poof, as in absent. Bandages laced their way around his shoulder, administering pressure to the amputated limb. Golduck looked almost foreign to her with his missing arm, like he was a different Pokemon entirely. The symbol of power that had been hers to command and love for so many years had been broken and dislodged from her memory. As her knees weakened, she felt Dorian’s toned arms wrap around her shoulders and pull her close, comforting her with his warmth.

    “It’s okay,” Dorian assured her.

    “No it’s not,” she whispered. “Look at him, just look at him.”

    “Shelton,” Dorian started. “I’m seeing the same thing you’re seeing. He’s alive, that’s what matters. He would do the same thing all over again if it meant saving you. That’s exactly what he did too, and you know that.”

    “Nunuz,” Nuzleaf chimed in, placing a wooden hand on Shelton’s back.

    “I know, it’s just, I can’t,” Shelton said, her breath catching on every word.

    “Look, he was strong for you. Now you need to be strong for him. He needs you, so man up. Let’s listen to what the tech has to say, and we’ll go from there. Agreed?”

    Shelton nodded glumly, turning to the technician that had been watching their exchange.

    “Ms. Street, you have my deepest sympathy for the accident that befell your Golduck, but I can assure you that with therapy, and your patience, he may be able to recover a lot of what he lost,” the technician said.

    “Okay,” Shelton said, walking forward and taking a breath. “What did you have to do?”

    “Well, as I’m sure you’re aware, members of Golduck’s specie have tremendous mental prowess, only outclassed by accomplished and well trained psychic types. The ruby in his forehead not only serves as a focusing point for their power, but also enables them to release stored psychic energy that can build up and overload the sensitive gemstone. Most of the time, this is done unconsciously, and the cerebellum excretes this excess energy through the crystal and into the air. By itself, the energy released is harmless, but when it is focused through the ruby, it’s concentrated, allowing Golduck to weaponize it. You still with me?”

    “Yes,” Shelton said, edging closer to Golduck.

    “Good. Anyway, when Golduck summoned the energy for the attack, it overloaded the crystal, effectively shattering it. Which can kill him, seeing as the energy kept inside his skull feeds his involuntary functions, like breathing. From what Mr. Dvakna said, a purple bubble of energy was visible above your Pokemon’s head when he found him.”

    “That’s correct,” Dorian affirmed.

    “That energy escaping nearly killed him, as without the power to feed his organs, they began to shut down. Luckily though, you got him here in time. We were able to fashion a similar object out of glass and surgically insert it into his cranium. Basically corking the little amount of energy he had left.”

    “But if there’s only that little bit, is he still in danger?” Shelton questioned.

    “On the contrary, the energy replenishes itself over time, much like new blood is made and old blood is recycled as waste with humans. The point is that while the ruby allows Golduck to release stored energy safely, glass cannot, which is why we threaded in the capstone,” Michael explained, pointing to the metal spike in the glass. “When the amount of psychic energy builds up to a critical level, you can bend the spike back, releasing the energy into the air.”

    “Okay,” Dorian and Shelton said in unison.

    “Putting that portion behind for the moment, the other obvious action we took was to remove Golduck’s left arm. The shards from the ruby embedded themselves into his arm from the shoulder down; I personally removed twenty-seven pieces,” Michael explained. “An infection soon grew from the multiple open wounds and it was too risky to leave the arm in place. My thinking was that he would have succumbed to septic shock within just a few days. That amputation was successful, and the infected tissue was completely removed.”

    “I understand,” Shelton stated, moving her hand down to stroke Golduck’s.

    “Now we come to the consequences,” Michael explained. “The ruby in Golduck’s skull is grown naturally as a Psyduck evolves, which means that it’s actually organic. The composition and density are almost completely identical to other precious stones, but each one is grown specific to each particular Golduck.”

    “What are you getting at?” Shelton asked.

    “Basically, when Golduck uses a psychic attack, the energy is focused through that crystal, and only a gemstone with those properties is strong enough to handle the surge of energy that courses through it. While the glass we inserted mimics the crystal in most ways, it’s extremely fragile.”

    “How about you just tell me exactly what you’re trying not to,” Shelton said.

    “Golduck cannot use any sort of psychic attack again,” Michael lamented. “Even a brief use of telekinesis could shatter the glass and put him in the same situation all over again. We were only able to save him because you got here so quickly. Next time, you may not be as lucky.”

    “Never?” Shelton questioned.

    “Unfortunately, yes. If a gemstone of the appropriate density and composition were inserted into the cavity, he may regain some use of his former abilities, but even if we had such an object and the operation went perfectly, there is no guarantee that he could develop even half of his former skill.”

    “Why can’t we at least try it?” Shelton asked. “It’s worth a shot. If it didn’t work, we would be in the same position we’re in now.”

    “I’m sorry to say Ms. Street, but your insurance does not cover a procedure of this magnitude. Something of this nature is rarely attempted. Even though your Golduck is a prime candidate, this facility cannot undertake a financial risk like that without some type of coverage.”

    “You could just say that you don’t think we deserve the help,” Shelton hissed.

    “Shelton,” Dorian warned, putting himself between the technician and his roommate.

    “No, Dorian,” she started. “I’m sorry Mr. Thompson, that wasn’t what I meant to say. I’m a little taken aback at the moment.”

    “I understand Ms. Street and you have my sympathy,” Michael responded.

    “I’m sure we can come up with some sort of payment plan,” Shelton said. “We’re not wealthy by any means, but I’m sure that you all could figure out a plan that would fit us.”

    “Ms. Street, the procedure is very expensive,” Michael said. “The gemstone has to be calibrated specifically to your Pokemon. Not only that, but the gemstone would have to be enormous. This isn’t some amethyst shard that you could buy at any local jeweler. A stone that size would cost several hundred-thousand credits, not to mention the smiths that would have to tailor it to the exact size that we would need.”

    “I guess I can’t argue with that, now can I?” Shelton said, turning her attention to Golduck and stroking his remaining arm.

    “Thank you for your efforts,” Dorian chimed in, striding forward to shake the technician’s hand.

    “Nuzleaf,” his Pokemon agreed.

    “It’s my pleasure,” Michael said, tightly gripping Dorian’s hand.

    “I’m sorry if I sounded ungrateful,” Shelton said, turning her attention back to Michael.

    “You didn’t,” Michael assured her. “I can imagine this has put quite a strain on you. He’s a fighter you know, one of the strongest I’ve ever seen.”

    “I know,” Shelton agreed, the beginnings of a smile forming on her lips.

    “Now,” Michael stated, removing a pokeball from his pocket. “I charged this heal ball myself, and I would recommend that when you return Golduck, you leave him inside for at least three days. The energy contained within is designed to promote healthy cellular growth, which will help greatly in aiding in the recovery time of his arm.”

    He dropped the rosy pink storage device in her hand and then proceeded to instruct her on how to correctly change the bandages on Golduck’s shoulder. Most of what he told her, Shelton already knew, but it seemed to please the technician if she listened intently. Probably because he wanted to make sure that the hard work he put into Golduck was not in vain. One thing amidst all his rambling stood out for her though. Aspear berries had a naturally occurring coagulant in them, which would help if Golduck’s arm was injuried before it had completely healed. She made a mental note of that tidbit of information, knowing that it would come in handy later on.

    “You have to fill out some discharge paperwork before you leave,” Michael told her. “Then you may return Golduck to his ball and be on your way.”

    “I’ll take care of that,” Dorian stated. “You take your time; I’ll meet you outside when you’re done.” He turned and walked out after the words left his mouth, Nuzleaf following close behind.

    “Mr. Thompson, I really appreciate the work you put in,” Shelton smiled. “I really would have been lost if things had not panned out the way that they did.”

    “It’s no problem at all,” Michael smiled. “I’m glad I was able to help.”

    “Well I’m very grateful,” Shelton said, walking over and lightly kissing the technician’s cheek.

    Michael quickly blushed, and admitted, “That was a treat my profession rarely affords me, so I thank you.”

    “You’re welcome,” Shelton giggled. “So it’s safe to just return him now?”

    “Absolutely. Like I said though, I would keep him inside for at least three days. After that, his arm would benefit from fresh air.”

    “Okay,” she said, situating herself by Golduck’s bed.

    Holding out the pokeball, she clicked the return button on the front of the device, shooting a red laser towards the center of her Pokemon. As she watched, the beam transformed his body into glowing scarlet energy, which was quickly absorbed back into the ball. The ball closed itself with a cheerful clap, signaling that her Pokemon had been returned successfully.

    “After you,” Michael said, gesturing towards the door.

    “Thank you,” Shelton smiled.

    Her thoughts swam as she walked back towards the entrance to the Pokemon Center. The technician really had saved Golduck’s life, and it was something she would be eternally grateful for. He was obviously extremely intelligent; that’s what she had heard while she waited anyway. He was somewhat attractive as well, despite being at least twenty years her senior. She chuckled at the thought, she had heard of patients falling in love with their technicians and it amused her that she was starting to fall into that stereotype. As she passed through the sliding glass doors of the Pokemon Center, she saw Dorian and Nuzleaf waiting for her by a pair of gleaming motorcycles parked by the entrance.

    “You ready?” Dorian called.

    “NuNuz!” Nuzleaf questioned as well.

    “Yeah, let’s get this over with so we can get back home,” Shelton answered.

    “You know, Ronnie is going to flip out when we tell him what happened,” Dorian said, helping Shelton tighten the straps on her pack.

    “I’m sure he will,” Shelton agreed. “Though, he will be inclined to believe me over you when I tell him that you were the one who decided we should take that new route.”

    “Are you serious?” Dorian asked. “We both agreed to it.”

    “Oh I know,” Shelton mused. “However, he’s going to be more likely to believe me over you, mainly because I’m his favorite.”

    “Well, I am male and his heir to the family name,” Dorian said proudly. “So by that alone I’m a lot better than you.”

    “What’s twenty-six times thirty-seven?” Shelton quickly asked.

    “Well, if you carry the decimal and square the remainder,” Dorian started, squeezing his eyes shut in concentration. “Three-hundred and twenty-five!”

    “It’s actually nine-hundred and sixty-two,” Shelton smiled, pushing past him and starting down the road. “And you’re an idiot.”

    “I thought you meant division!” Dorian exclaimed.

    Nuzleaf laughed.

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the amazing banner-


  25. #50
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
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    Gateon area, Orre
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    ...And then they walk out of the Pokemon and get mugged by a half-baked Scyther, the end...

    Oh, no, wait, that's not very heartwarming at all...

    Anyway, my ramblings aside, this a was a wonderful closure piece to the graveler scene, Although I find it a bit odd that Mr. Thompson didn't arrange an automated pressure release. The way the spike sounds, it's like something that must be manually drained. My dad was ona Colostomy bag, such things as manual body drains are not fun. Surely there's a way to rig a one-way valve, or maybe that's just not in Viridian's reprritoire.

    I can totally see a scowling Shelton standiung in front of the ICU doors, turning doctors around when they try to go off shift...

    Kudos to you on the depiction of the ICU, and for going beyond the usual Nurse Joy Pokemon Center routine. the whole of the ICU is realistic and weell detailed, as well as the in depth review of a Golduck's anatomy.

    Dorian and Nuzleaf's blowing off steam match was fun to read, and you did a wonderful job of flipping back and forth between meories and the battle, and the conversations were excellent.

    One thing, you use the phrase "knocking him sprawling" once. I can;t find anything wrong with it, it's just a little bit odd to me. Maybe I'm just used to hearing "Sending him sprawling" which is the exact same thing, just sounds different. I don't know. Maybe it's another regional thing.



    “Ms. Street, the procedure is very expensive,” Michael said. “The gemstone has to be calibrated specifically to your Pokemon. Not only that, but the gemstone would have to be enormous. This isn’t some amethyst shard that you could buy at any local jeweler. A stone that size would cost several hundred-thousand credits, not to mention the smiths that would have to tailor it to the exact size that we would need.”
    Well, if not amythest, what about, oh, i don't know, a chunk of obsidian? I wonder where they might find some of that...
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

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