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Thread: Requiem (PG-13)

  1. #51
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    Dorian rolled to his right as Nuzleaf launched another bullet seed at him.
    I’m very tired as I do this at the moment, and I gotta say, the sudden action woke me up already. Cool way to get back into the action that was present before Ethan’s chapter, especially now that there’s an interesting comparison (before, they were fighting enemies, and now, they’re fighting each other).

    The two had been sparing for the better part of an hour, both being pushed to the edge of their physical limits as they struggled to best one another.
    I think you meant “sparring”.

    After Shelton was made aware of Goluck’s condition, she hovered outside the operating room like a Pidgey, refusing Dorian’s repeated attempts to get her to rest.
    “Golduck”

    Dorian had drifted off himself shortly thereafter; his hand’s grasping Shelton’s tenderly.
    Should be “hands”. I could see what you were trying to do there by trying to show possession, but in this case, you’re just showing pluralization—his two hands are grasping hers.

    I’d also put a comma instead of a semi-colon. From what I’ve learned, the sentence before and after the semi-colon should be able to be a standalone sentence. But the sentence after the semi-colon here can’t be by itself and still make sense.

    Nuzleaf climbed onto her lap and looked up at her with his wide eyes, cupping her face softly in his hands as he looked at her. She smiled down at him, touched by the Pokemon’s gesture of affection. Reaching down, she scratched a spot at the small of Nuzleaf’s back, dragging her sharp nails across his wooden body. The sound the nails made as they moved always gave her goose bumps, but Nuzleaf loved it and immediately hugged her close, burying his face in her hair.
    D’awwwww, have I ever mentioned how much I love the pokémon Nuzleaf? This is an adorable image. I’m going to go be a typical squeeing fangirl now.

    The once bright sapphire duck’s feathers were now a muted shade of blue, signaling the stress that it had exposed to.
    “had been exposed to.”

    Anyway, I agree with Glover when he says that this was a nice conclusion to the Graveler incident. The part I liked the most was going back and forth between Shelton’s grieving over Golduck and the spar between Dorian and Nuzleaf. To me, it was as if the Graveler fight was still happening, in a sense. The fighting spirit and suspense was still entirely present, and you portrayed the idea that all of them were still fighting (both literally and figuratively) to live and/or move on with their lives even though there was no real danger present anymore. It makes me reflect on the idea that everyone is always fighting every moment of every day, pretty much. I hope that makes sense. It’s not something I can easily put into words, but it was a good feeling nonetheless.

    Also, I thought that Dorian and Shelton were a couple? Am I wrong? Shelton kissing the technician on the cheek and mentioning falling in love with him seemed odd to me for this reason, and also because she was just unbelievably angry and bitter moments before she did such a thing. I guess it’s understandable that her emotions would be going crazy at the moment, and it was cute nonetheless, but still, it left me wondering about Dorian.

    Overall, the chapter felt complete and full of emotions, just as the conclusion of such a horrific event should feel. The only thing I might have added was Shelton reflecting on Golduck’s possible feelings of losing his psychic power. Does he value it? Does Shelton think it won’t effect him? I mention this because Golduck’s personality wasn’t revealed enough for us readers to know yet (though I may have just forgotten, in which case, feel free to ignore me), but I expect that you’ll be showing the aftereffects soon enough, and you’ll have us as readers wishing we had known him more before the incident as well (which isn’t a bad thing—I would find that kind of interesting, actually).

    Keep up the good work~


    | she will get the truth out of him, whatever it may be. |
    | letters 13/14 released 5/22/14 |


    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | COMPLETE AS OF 8/11/13 |


  2. #52
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    @ Glover

    ...And then they walk out of the Pokemon and get mugged by a half-baked Scyther, the end...

    Oh, no, wait, that's not very heartwarming at all...
    You know, I flirted with the idea, but in the end, I decided to go another way :P

    Anyway, my ramblings aside, this a was a wonderful closure piece to the graveler scene, Although I find it a bit odd that Mr. Thompson didn't arrange an automated pressure release. The way the spike sounds, it's like something that must be manually drained. My dad was ona Colostomy bag, such things as manual body drains are not fun. Surely there's a way to rig a one-way valve, or maybe that's just not in Viridian's reprritoire.
    That's correct. I see what you're saying, but for some reason this sounded a little bit better for me. The idea came from the movie 'Three Kings'. Mark Wahlberg's character gets shot in the lung at one point, and when his friends have to install this release valve for building air pressure in the lung. Occasionly he has to turn the valve to release the stored pressure, aloowing him to breathe.

    Kudos to you on the depiction of the ICU, and for going beyond the usual Nurse Joy Pokemon Center routine. the whole of the ICU is realistic and weell detailed, as well as the in depth review of a Golduck's anatomy.
    Ah well thanks! The bit with the ICU and Golduck's explanation was actually something I tried really hard on, so I'm glad you noticed. And yeah, the whole Nurse Joy wonderful attitude happy go lucky thing never really went over well with me. I felt like this was much more realistic, glad you think so too

    Dorian and Nuzleaf's blowing off steam match was fun to read, and you did a wonderful job of flipping back and forth between meories and the battle, and the conversations were excellent.
    That was something that I wasn't really sure about. I hoped it would go over well, so I'm glad you commented on it. I felt like it would be a good way to transition from what was happening right then, while also giving a backstory on the events that happened after the Graveler attack.

    One thing, you use the phrase "knocking him sprawling" once. I can;t find anything wrong with it, it's just a little bit odd to me. Maybe I'm just used to hearing "Sending him sprawling" which is the exact same thing, just sounds different. I don't know. Maybe it's another regional thing.
    I see what you're saying. I went back and looked, and I feel like they both work. I'm going to keep it the way it is, but thanks for bringing it to my attention.

    Thanks for the review!


    @ diamondpearl876


    I’m very tired as I do this at the moment, and I gotta say, the sudden action woke me up already. Cool way to get back into the action that was present before Ethan’s chapter, especially now that there’s an interesting comparison (before, they were fighting enemies, and now, they’re fighting each other).
    Thanks for bringing that up. That was exactly what I was shooting for when I was trying to think of a beginning to the chapter.

    Anyway, I agree with Glover when he says that this was a nice conclusion to the Graveler incident. The part I liked the most was going back and forth between Shelton’s grieving over Golduck and the spar between Dorian and Nuzleaf. To me, it was as if the Graveler fight was still happening, in a sense. The fighting spirit and suspense was still entirely present, and you portrayed the idea that all of them were still fighting (both literally and figuratively) to live and/or move on with their lives even though there was no real danger present anymore. It makes me reflect on the idea that everyone is always fighting every moment of every day, pretty much. I hope that makes sense. It’s not something I can easily put into words, but it was a good feeling nonetheless.
    Once again, that was exactly what I was shooting for. I've always found the relation between emotional/physical trauma and future actions. Back in my wasteful youth days, I got into a fist fight with a few guys and got beat up. It was so loud, and intense, and I had never been in a fight before so it somewhat affected for a few days after that. I'd hear a loud noise and tense up, like I was expecting it to happen all over again. So I kinda of drew heavily on that for this chapter, if that makes sense. None of them are going to be okay for awhile I think, but you're right, we fight battles everyday, luckily though its not against hordes of furios rock Pokemon.

    Also, I thought that Dorian and Shelton were a couple? Am I wrong?
    I won't deny that if I read this story and wasn't the writer, I would say they have some obvious chemistry, but no, they're not together. I mentioned in a few chapters that they're just roomates, and they have been for a very long time. I'm actually touching on their back stories some more in the next chapter, and it should firm up their motives and feelings for each other a little more clearly.

    The only thing I might have added was Shelton reflecting on Golduck’s possible feelings of losing his psychic power. Does he value it? Does Shelton think it won’t effect him?
    That's going to be gone into before, and after Golduck is healed up and released. I think she was just so relieved that she was close to him again and that he was okay, that she kinda bypassed thinking about the long term ramifications of the loss of that ability. That's going to be expanded on greatly eventually. It's going to be alot for him to deal with, and for her as well.

    Thanks for reviewing once again!

    oh and thankyou for pointing out the mistakes I made. I'll go back and edit them soon.

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the amazing banner-


  3. #53
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    The fic itself is very intriguing, but some things about it (namely the grammatical aspects) fall flat. I'll name the positives before I start with the negatives:

    The premise is very interesting; a young couple delivering a priceless artifact for much needed money and an unbalanced man who will make every effort to stop them. However, I find all of their motives to be compelling, even the antagonist - at least, the person who you're setting up to be the antagonist. Dorian and Shelton are two young people trying to pay off their bills and care for their Pokemon. Dorian obviously has a dream to be a strong trainer, while Shelton's motives are a little more unclear (although I would think that getting married would be one of them). Meanwhile, Ethan grew up alone and friendless aside from his Abra/Alakazam. He's desperate for the voices to stay in his head because they've been friendly to him. I actually pity him; he doesn't know that they might turn on him in an instant.

    It took three chapters to build up steam, but when the action started...I have to admit that I was very impressed. The stress of Dorian and Shelton in the immediate aftermath of the Graveler attack is strikingly realistic, and their emotions plucked at my heartstrings. I could feel their shock, pain, anger, and sadness as if it were my own. I honestly don't think that you could have done any better than you did.

    My favorite character right now has to be Alakazam. He's shown the most personality so far out of all of the Pokemon, and while I like all of the human characters, I feel a certain connection to Alakazam. He's definitely a wildcard in all of this. When it comes down to it, will he stay loyal to the trainer and friend he's known since he was an Abra or will he go with his morals and try to save the innocent couple? What a fascinating dilemma...

    Anyway, the plot looks rather sound as well. Like I said, it started out slow at first, but once Dorian and Shelton set out to Pewter, it picked up its pace. It hasn't slowed down yet, and it has kept my interest at a high level, which is always a good thing when it comes to the average fickle reader.

    Of course, every fic has a weakness that must be dealt with; even the best ones aren't immune to them. With yours, it's mainly the grammar that falls flat.

    The first thing I noticed was the major difference between the capitalization of the Pokemon moves, as seen in these sentences:

    Almost three years ago, scientists working for the Silph Corporation had learned how to replicate the effects of the pokemon move, Reflect, and Light Screen, and combined them.
    “bullet seed! Dorian roared.
    Before I say anything else, I want to correct the bolded parts. The bolded comma is unnecessary and needs to be taken out, and an "s" needs to be added to the end of the word "move". The apostrophe you used in the second sentence is a typo; you want quotation marks at the end.

    However, that's not what concerned me. Why capitalize "Reflect" and "Light Screen" if you're not going to capitalize any other Pokemon move? An element of consistency is needed. You might want to put "Reflect" and "Light Screen" in lower-case, since every other Pokemon move is in lower-case.

    Over the last several days, the grass type’s single leaf that rested on top of his head had taken on a burnt amber color, signaling the arrival of Fall.
    Just a bit of clarification here: is "Fall" intentionally capitalized because of the Nuzleaf's perspective? If not, you might want to put that in lower-case.

    As soon as the energy that was Growlithe became smaller than the ball, its two halves came back down in a mighty snap! Signaling a successful capture, and the reward to his hard work.
    I'm pretty certain that the "s" in "signaling" should be in lower-case, since it's still a part of the same sentence. Either way, the exclaimation mark seems a bit unnecessary.

    Yeah that’s right.” he said as Nuzleaf got up and dusted itself off. “All in all I think that went pretty well.”
    Commas should be in between each of the two bolded words. Commas should be used whenever there's a pause in a sentence. The full-stop (period) should be a comma, as was said by other readers before me. Like they said, a comma should be used in a spoken sentence, while full-stops can be used if the person is using an action (for example, Dorian winking at the Growlithe in a previous sentence). Going back and correcting that error would be nice.

    As he fell, he sighted Sheton’s Golduck sitting on the steps of their front porch, its bill marred with a mixture of anxiousness and forced regret.
    You mispelled Shelton's name. Just a minor typo that I thought I'd point out.

    “That’s great Dorian, I’m glad that when we get tossed to the street we’ll have a nice warm Growlithe to live in.” she said, rolling her eyes and turning to Nuzleaf. “You hungry sweetheart?”
    The period should be replaced with a comma, but that's not what I wanted to mention. Whenever a character is speaking to someone and addressing them directly, you need to use a comma before or after their name or the title they're being addressed as, depending on where the word is placed. Basically, since Shelton is addressing Dorian, you need to put a comma between the word "great" and his name. Same with Nuzleaf. Since she's addressing him as "sweetheart", you need to place a comma between the two bolded words.

    The whispers had led him to a cave in the recent months, in the sand swept plains of the desert in Hoenn . The cave bearing another flake he took into himself. The cave he found near Route 111 however had something extra. A shard of stone from the enormous tablet he had seen in Granite Cave years ago. People the man walked past throughout the day forgot him as soon as he passed. A somewhat average looking man with long, wavy tan hair, an Alakazam keeping stride to his right.
    These sentences are fragments, and they're very jarring to read. I'd recommend that you re-organize this sentence into something like this:

    "The whispers had recently led him to a cave in the sand swept plains of the desert in Hoenn. It had contained another flake, which he had took into himself. However, the cave he found near Route 111 had something else: a shard of stone from the enormous tablet he had seen in Granite Cave years ago. The people that the man walked past throughout the day forgot him as soon as he passed. Even with the Alakazam keeping stride to his right, he was an average-looking man with long, wavy tan hair being the only other physical attribute of note."

    Of course, you can probably do much better than my example, but it's just a starting point.

    Its species usually synonymous with bravery and strength, Shelton’s Machop unfortunately fell far short.
    This sentence seems to be missing a few words. Perhaps you could use this?

    "Though its species was usually synonymous with bravery and strength, Shelton's Machop fell far short."

    Cutting him off mid sentence, Shelton asked, “So if I’m hearing you correctly, they were going to spend one-hundred thousand credits to move all of their excavating equipment here, but if were able to make it there before they leave, we may get some kind of finder’s fee?”
    A minor typo. You forgot an apostrophe.

    While there are other grammatical errors in this story, they're mostly of a similar nature to the ones I've mentioned (mostly addressing people in a spoken sentence and not adding commas).

    I don't have a problem with your characters so far, but the personalities of the Pokemon could use a bit more description. Show them as themselves. You've done that with Nuzleaf and Alakazam. Why not show the rest? Just a thought.

    Otherwise, I can't think of anything to add to this review. You've done a fine job with Requiem, and I'll definitely be paying close attention to it in the coming months.

    Sincerely,

    Mem.
    COMING SOON

    Warmonger - A fantasy fic where peasants fight the wars of kings and lords, where monsters lurk in the night, and where depravity is not only expected, but encouraged...

  4. #54
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilentMemento
    The fic itself is very intriguing, but some things about it (namely the grammatical aspects) fall flat
    Thanks, and right off the bat I appreciate you bringing that to my attention, as it is the one area I feel is my worst.

    a young couple delivering a priceless artifact
    You're the second person to think that Dorian and Shelton are a couple. I tried my best to describe how close they were, and if some people think they're together, I guess I did just that. But no, they are not a couple. Alot more of their backstory will be revealed in the next chapter. Which should help to put that theory to rest. They've known each other for a VERY long time, and the closeness of their relationship is just a result of the sibling like love they have for each other.

    It took three chapters to build up steam, but when the action started...I have to admit that I was very impressed. The stress of Dorian and Shelton in the immediate aftermath of the Graveler attack is strikingly realistic, and their emotions plucked at my heartstrings. I could feel their shock, pain, anger, and sadness as if it were my own. I honestly don't think that you could have done any better than you did.
    I'm glad you noticed. It was one part that I tried really hard on. I'm glad its gone over so well with so many people. Thanks! ^^

    My favorite character right now has to be Alakazam. He's shown the most personality so far out of all of the Pokemon, and while I like all of the human characters, I feel a certain connection to Alakazam. He's definitely a wildcard in all of this. When it comes down to it, will he stay loyal to the trainer and friend he's known since he was an Abra or will he go with his morals and try to save the innocent couple? What a fascinating dilemma...
    That actually kinda evolved on its own, and I have to say I'm pretty pleased with it. Thanks for commenting on it.

    I don't have a problem with your characters so far, but the personalities of the Pokemon could use a bit more description. Show them as themselves. You've done that with Nuzleaf and Alakazam. Why not show the rest? Just a thought.
    You're completely right. Right before I saw your review, I told myself the exact same thing. They are all an integral part of the story, and I'm not doing right by them if I dont expand on them more. In the coming chapters, you'll see alot more of their personalities.

    Shall I add you to the PM list then? And thanks very much for the review. I really appreciate it as you pointed out some things that I know could use some polishing.

    To everyone else reading/reviewing, the new chapter should be out by Monday night.

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the amazing banner-


  5. #55
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    Okay, finally getting to this and getting as much in as possible before lunch ends.

    PROLOGUE:

    -I'm wondering why the boy didn't feel connected to his adoptive parents. I get that they aren't his real birth parents, but I wonder why he seems so...mad about them. They certainly seem nice. Is the boy going through a rebellious time? I'm stuck with this question, and I hope it gets delved into.

    SLAM!
    I'm not a particularly big fan of sound-effects in prose, but to each their own. I get that it's a preference thing.

    the soft skin on his arms tearing easily on the ground as he rolled to a stop.
    OW. Good image, though. It actually makes me wince when I read it. Excellent work, that.

    Abra limped towards his master, favoring his left leg. The psychic pokemon’s right leg bore a long gash up the side of its thigh,
    Usually when someone is "favoring" a leg, that means they are protecting it because it's the weaker or injured one. So does Abra have two major leg injuries? Because if I had a long gash on one leg, I might be favoring that, but if the left leg has bone/tendon damage, that would result in favoring it no matter what wound the right leg has. I guess I was just confused here is all.

    As the boy and his Abra looked in wonder at the strange object, a small stony flake, glistening slightly in the oily light of the conjured orb, began to skitter across the top of the altar, seemingly of its own accord. As the boy and his pokemon noticed the flake, they stiffened, perceiving a new threat.
    A little unwieldy starting two consecutive sentence with the same lines "As the boy and his...".

    OVERALL: Very interesting beginning. What the heck kind of serrated blade is so powerful that it cuts through large stone tablets? I'd be scared as heck at the thought of that if I were in Boy's shoes. And I desperately hope we see more of Boy because I really want his backstory with the adoptive parents.


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  6. #56
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    CHAPTER 1--

    It was only because of the Pokeflect around his wrist that Dorian wasn’t roasted alive by the flamethrower attack the enraged Growlithe had just launched at him. While still experimental, the ‘Pokeflect’ had saved many from grievous injuries sometimes sustained in pokemon battles.
    Okay, this is a good idea. How haven't more people been injured by Pokemon? Because of this device! I'm only 2 lines in here, and I very much want to know more about this thing. I think you could make a whole story around this device, actually. Does it protect against, say, a Scyther's claws? And if so, would you protect someone from ANY kind of blade? Or ANY kind of fire? I have a feeling I might just be digressing, though.

    “bullet seed!’ Dorian roared.
    I'm actually NOT going to say you need to capitalize the names of moves (because I don't, either generally, but you should capitalize the beginning of a sentence.

    No sooner had he given the command, the Growlithe righted itself and charged his Nuzleaf, orange flame licking the pits of its nostrils.
    The grass type followed behind, purpose written across its scarred face; it jumped and landed on top of the Growlithe, using both legs to pin down the pup.
    I like those. Nice description there.

    -Okay, I read that one section a few times, and I can't, for the life of me, figure out what the violet energy that picked up and flipped over Dorian was. Can you explain? I'm assuming it was some kind of psychic attack, but was it from Golduck? Or even Shelton? What was it?

    -Aaannnddd...okay, Boy did not grow up to be Dorian. That makes sense, I guess. Boy is going to be...the villain of the story? Maybe? Way too early to conjecture on that, I suppose. Definitely intrigued by him, though.


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  7. #57
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    Okay, finally getting to this and getting as much in as possible before lunch ends.
    I'm glad you found some time. Thanks!

    -I'm wondering why the boy didn't feel connected to his adoptive parents. I get that they aren't his real birth parents, but I wonder why he seems so...mad about them. They certainly seem nice. Is the boy going through a rebellious time? I'm stuck with this question, and I hope it gets delved into.
    Things of that nature will be expanded on in later chapters, I assure you

    OW. Good image, though. It actually makes me wince when I read it. Excellent work, that.
    Thanks! Oddly enough, the same thing happened to me as I wrote it haha

    Usually when someone is "favoring" a leg, that means they are protecting it because it's the weaker or injured one. So does Abra have two major leg injuries? Because if I had a long gash on one leg, I might be favoring that, but if the left leg has bone/tendon damage, that would result in favoring it no matter what wound the right leg has. I guess I was just confused here is all.
    I see what you're saying. I'll have to check on that, because my understanding of 'favoring', is that you are doing more with that limb than another because the other is somewhat incapacitated. You're favoring the one that's in good condition. I'll check on that to be sure, and If it needs to be changed I'll do so. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.

    A little unwieldy starting two consecutive sentence with the same lines "As the boy and his...".
    You're right. When I find some time I'll go back and change that.

    OVERALL: Very interesting beginning. What the heck kind of serrated blade is so powerful that it cuts through large stone tablets? I'd be scared as heck at the thought of that if I were in Boy's shoes. And I desperately hope we see more of Boy because I really want his backstory with the adoptive parents
    Thanks! I really appreciate the review you've given, and I'm eager to see what you think of later chapters.

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the amazing banner-


  8. #58
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    Finally caught up xD. I tend to fall out of fics from time to time, but since I was behind by two chapters, it wasn't that biggie a deal.

    Anyhoo, I've noticed you hadn't named the latest two chapters. Any reasoning for that? Wait... *looks back* Oh durr, you haven't been using names at all. Your "cause", "effect", and "aftermath" caused me to believe that. And now that I think about it, I don't think they were needed at all. We would've figured out what the chapter was about without that little reminder.

    Now to the two chapters I missed.

    I pity Ethan. He's going through so much pain to gather up these flakes, and yet these voices keep up this ruse of being friendly to him, and showing gratitude for saving them. Alakazam can see through this, but because of his loyalty to Ethan, he has to do as he says, even though it hurts him more. Man, that's dark.

    You really were convincing us Golduck wasn't going to make it, and the somber piano music I'm currently playing makes that hurt a lot (because the song's just that effective). Still, I am happy he's alive, even though he's going to be a changed duck from now on. I like the explanations the doctor gave about the gem. Something tells me you did some research a bit before writing that, or at least know a little bit about the brain (well, biology in general), because that's really impressive.

    And now I'm wishing I haven't looked at the other reviews, because Glover's assumption with the obsidian's burrowed itself into my head now. But even then, you have clearly planned these things out.

    I'm probably just imaging it since I haven't been keeping up with the story until just now, but I hope you're still PM'ing us. I'm gonna try my hardest not to slack off on this.
    Winner of Best Pokémon/Pokémon Fic of 2013 in the Shipping Oscars
    Current Chapter: Chapter Ten - 3/17/14 / Current: Last Chance - 11/3/11 - Chapter 20 progress: 75%
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  9. #59
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    “I’m instituting a new rule,” Shelton began, crossing her legs and leaning forward. “From now on, all your decision making privileges have been revoked. Other than involuntary bodily functions you have to perform in order to survive, I want you on the sofa, sitting on your hands at all times.”
    I'm curious as to the relationship here. Are they roommates? Siblings? Parent and child? Lovers? I'm sure I'll get it eventually, but I'm kind of lost on it so far.

    After a pensive look, Dorian said, “I request the right to argue for a lower amount after I’ve thought of a good enough excuse.”
    I like that. It's like a good sitcom line.

    “Machop is under the house again,” she answered. “We were out back pulling weeds, when that soulless Sunflora popped out and started terrorizing him again. Shuppet is in her usual spot"
    I like this, too, as it really makes them feel like pets (which I'm sure you've realized from my fic is how I more-or-less picture pokemon). A Machop getting harassed by an angry Sunflora...that really is kind of striking. I can see the Sunflora yipping at it when I recreate the scene in my head.

    Owing to his near genius IQ and love of all things made hundreds to thousands of years before he was born.
    Kind of a "show, don't tell" problem here: I'd rather the story display to me that he's a genius than the narration say it outright.

    “How you doing, hotshot?” his uncle asked. “Still driving the girls crazy?”

    “Only Shelton,” Dorian replied.

    “Ah! How’s my future daughter in law doing?”

    “She’s really good. We finally set the wedding date; June, two-thousand and never!”
    Previously problem disregarded!

    “Well,” Dorian grinned, plucking the small shard from his pocket. “I think I just saved you a trip.”
    I would MAYBE have liked a BIT more set-up here, but as it stands, it seems like an amazingly unlikely coincidence. This guy literally trips over an ancient artifact, and then 5 minutes later his scientist uncle calls him and says he's looking for it? That's one-in-a-trillion or so.

    The wall whimpered in protest, trying to hold its shape, struggling to retain the only purpose it ever had. With a groan, the wall slid forward into a pile of rubble at the Rhydon’s outsized feet
    Okay, I love all that.

    The man didn’t know where they were going next, but he knew that the next time he slept, he would be told. He was always told where to go and how to better himself and his Pokemon. The voices would whisper to him in his dreams, guiding him towards additional power, guiding him to more knowledge, and eventually, guiding him to his destiny
    Good ending there. What kind of "power" is he getting from these things? He still seems ordinary, what with Alakazam having to save his life. So what are they doing to them? I'm sensing an eventual face turn from Alakazam, too, where he betrays his trainer and works to save him from what the flakes are doing to him.


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  10. #60
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    @ Kutie Pie

    Anyhoo, I've noticed you hadn't named the latest two chapters. Any reasoning for that? Wait... *looks back* Oh durr, you haven't been using names at all. Your "cause", "effect", and "aftermath" caused me to believe that. And now that I think about it, I don't think they were needed at all. We would've figured out what the chapter was about without that little reminder.
    I see what you're saying. I named those chapters because of the seriousness of the situations they faced. I think if I'm going to names the chapters, I should be more consistent, as to avoid confusion. I think I'm going to leave them the way that they are, but thanks for pointing that out.

    I pity Ethan. He's going through so much pain to gather up these flakes, and yet these voices keep up this ruse of being friendly to him, and showing gratitude for saving them. Alakazam can see through this, but because of his loyalty to Ethan, he has to do as he says, even though it hurts him more. Man, that's dark.
    I can definitely say that their relationship is going to be quite interesting.

    You really were convincing us Golduck wasn't going to make it, and the somber piano music I'm currently playing makes that hurt a lot (because the song's just that effective). Still, I am happy he's alive, even though he's going to be a changed duck from now on. I like the explanations the doctor gave about the gem. Something tells me you did some research a bit before writing that, or at least know a little bit about the brain (well, biology in general), because that's really impressive.
    I flirted with the idea of letting him die for a long time. With that music you had playing, I can see how it may have worked haha. I have had some schooling when it comes to biology, but most of my explanation with Golduck's brain/physiology is just stuff I made up. I've always loved Psyduck and Golduck, so over the years I've come up with alot of theories with how their mental prowess works. Thanks!

    I'm probably just imaging it since I haven't been keeping up with the story until just now, but I hope you're still PM'ing us. I'm gonna try my hardest not to slack off on this.
    I appreciate it, and I'll be sure to let you know. Thanks for the review!

    @ Sid87

    I'm curious as to the relationship here. Are they roommates? Siblings? Parent and child? Lovers? I'm sure I'll get it eventually, but I'm kind of lost on it so far.
    I mentioned once or twice before that line that they were roomates. Looking back at later chapters, I can see how their relationship would be confusing. Dorian is extremely impulsive, wereas Shelton is calculated and responsible. She acts like a parent towards him alot of the time, which is the main reason she's so cross towards him sometimes.

    I like this, too, as it really makes them feel like pets (which I'm sure you've realized from my fic is how I more-or-less picture pokemon). A Machop getting harassed by an angry Sunflora...that really is kind of striking. I can see the Sunflora yipping at it when I recreate the scene in my head.
    lol, you'll see even more of stuff like this later.

    Kind of a "show, don't tell" problem here: I'd rather the story display to me that he's a genius than the narration say it outright.
    I see what you mean. I'll keep that in mind for later chapters

    I would MAYBE have liked a BIT more set-up here, but as it stands, it seems like an amazingly unlikely coincidence. This guy literally trips over an ancient artifact, and then 5 minutes later his scientist uncle calls him and says he's looking for it? That's one-in-a-trillion or so.
    Lol, it is unlikely. The reasoning behind that will become clear later on

    Good ending there. What kind of "power" is he getting from these things? He still seems ordinary, what with Alakazam having to save his life. So what are they doing to them? I'm sensing an eventual face turn from Alakazam, too, where he betrays his trainer and works to save him from what the flakes are doing to him
    That will be revealed with some of the chapters I've posted. Alakazam is in a complicated place. Even when he was an Abra so many years ago, he knew that Ethan should not get involved, but couldn't stop him. Now that he's grown and matured, he may end up being able to express himself to Ethan better. I hope so at least

    Thanks for the review!

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

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  11. #61
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    he woke Golduck and Nuzleaf, and proceeded to body slam them.
    I figure you mean "body slam" in that he unintentionally rammed his body into them, but initially read it as "like when Hulk Hogan picked up and slammed Andre The Giant" and was very perplexed as to why the hell he would do that? I guess he DOES owe that Golduck. LOL. Not a mistake on your part, but my pop-culture ensoaked brain gave me a tremendously funny visual. Thanks for that!

    “You’re not making any sense. Did Golduck hit you too hard? Is that it? It didn’t look any stronger than usual.”
    I can't believe I JUST thought of this: Why didn't the Pokeflect save Dorian from that attack, anyway? (I'm still SUPER interested in this device)

    The scene depicted on the stone was odd, almost disturbing. However, even as the thought grew in her mind, it gently slipped away
    Good last line. Very foreshadowy.

    “You mean he trusts me,” she said, smiling coyly.

    “Yes, he explicitly said that several times,” he admitted
    I LOL'ed.

    “That’s why you’re so excited!”

    “Exactly!”

    “Any other time, I would call attention to the fact that were both yelling!”

    “Same here, but this occasion calls for it!”

    “Yes!” she agreed.
    Kind of a silly moment since we haven't seen this side of Shelton at all. But again...I LOL'ed.

    “Let’s do it!” Dorian announced. “Strap on the nitro!”

    “Really?” Shelton asked, “Come on Dorian, we talked about this for like half an hour.”

    “Come on, just give it a chance,” he pleaded.

    “No. That catch phrase is never going to catch on. Besides that, its barely a catch phrase. Its just random words that have nothing to do with our current situation.”
    Was someonbe watching Mean Girls when they wrote this? It seems really derivative of the "fetch" dialogue.



    -I like the quick, zippy dialogue here, because I usually write a lot of that (my fic hasn't given me much of a chance yet, but que sera sera). I really like two characters going back-and-forth in a rapid succession. SOME of the lines there seemed a little forced (the "Last word freak" one stuck out to me), but by-and-large, it was a lot of fun to read. I enjoyed that part a lot.

    -It's good seeing the plot develop here, and I like the irony that Dorian is leaving Johto for Kanto while Ethan is doing the opposite. Good job removing both characters from their element. I look forward to getting to chapter 4 tomorrow.


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    Chapter 10


    “Finally,” Dorian said.

    “Yup,” Shelton agreed, giving him a quick smile.

    “I say that after we get paid, we buy enough food so that we don’t have to leave the house for a month.”

    “Oddly enough, I’m in complete agreement,” Shelton admitted.

    “My god, your head injury must be more severe than we thought.”

    “Shut it. Just because you had one good idea does not mean that I have a higher opinion of you. Besides, you still owe me for rent,” Shelton snarled.

    “Do you ever let anything go?” Dorian asked.

    “Not when it comes to money,” Shelton answered. “Or your awful decisions involving money, word usage, or dress sense.”

    “How about I just call Ronnie and see where he is,” Dorian suggested.

    “Good boy,” Shelton cooed, ruffling his hair.

    Dorian ducked out of her reach and walked a bit faster, muttering curses under his breath. The walk through Viridian Forest had only taken about two hours, and thankfully, it had been without incident. The woods were serene and silent, their colors exclaiming vibrant hues of gold, orange, and red. As Dorian and Shelton approached the borders of Pewter City, he whipped out his phone and called his uncle, bracing himself for his naturally booming voice. A tone sounded three times in rapid succession, signaling that his uncle had ignored his call. Confused, Dorian dialed again, only to be greeted by the same high pitched beeps. It was odd his uncle wasn’t answering, as he was probably expecting them by now.

    “Well,” Dorian started. “He’s not picking up. Should we just head to his house?”

    “Yeah,” Shelton huffed, clearly displeased by the situation.

    “He’s either there, or at the museum; his house is closer so let’s check there first,” Dorian suggested.

    “Yeah,” Shelton agreed, her fingers tracing the outline of a round bulge in her pocket.

    As they strode past the main entrance to the city, Dorian looked to the northeast and caught the familiar sight of the red roof of Ronnie’s house. Allowing himself a small smile, he looked over to Nuzleaf and Shelton, only to find them wearing the same expression. Ronnie would make their recent misfortune worthwhile; he would put them back into their usual mindset. His uncle always exuded a sense of calm and jovial happiness, and had always done his best to make him and Shelton feel welcome and comfortable; it was an unspoken promise he had kept ever since he started raising them.

    The trio walked with purpose, all three ready for some much deserved rest, all of them unaware of a Scyther watching them from just inside the nearby tree line.


    *********


    Ethan tightened his grip on Rapidash’s neck as he started to slip to the left. Just as he did however, he felt a gentle force press his body back into an upright position. Looking backwards, he saw a faint violet aura around his Alakazam. He noticed a similar aura taking shape around his own legs and waist; obviously Alakazam’s attempt to keep them both level on the galloping horse.

    The group blew through the entrance to Viridian City like a tornado, sending people in their way dashing to the left and right for safety. A small line of flames traced a path behind them, the result of the drying grass being exposed to Rapidash’s intense heat. People to the east and west of the city looking their direction were only able to make out a shining streak of yellow and orange, racing through the northern exit of the city like a meteorite.

    Ethan stared straight ahead, not noticing or caring for the sharp yells of the people they passed. Ethan was on the path to his destiny, on the road towards two hooligans that had stolen something very precious from him. He would take back the shard from them of course, that was just a byproduct of the vengeance that was about to be released. Besides their crime of thievery, they had threatened the voices, and for that they would be punished. He knew that they probably didn’t know what they had done, but it didn’t matter. Ignorance does not excuse a crime, and this was an offense that would not be forgiven.

    Maybe Scyther will have some suggestions,” Ethan thought, smiling at the thought of his Pokemon’s savagery.

    He felt Alakazam flinch behind him as the words crossed his mind; having no doubt that the psychic type had heard. Unfazed, Ethan used his heels to spurn Rapidash faster, his body starting to almost vibrate with eagerness. The forest they were traveling through morphed into a ring of brown and black as they sped up, Ethan’s eyes unable to focus due to the wind howling into them. He knew that Rapidash was already pushed to the edge of her abilities, but he dug his heels into her harder; fire in his eyes and murder in his heart.


    **********


    “Um, what?” Dorian asked.

    “Pretty much,” Shelton replied.

    They were standing about twenty feet from Ronnie’s front porch, stopped dead in their tracks by a withering mass of sparking electrical cables. The strands of thick plastic danced around about in a chaotic fashion, loud snaps ringing out as they discharged electricity. A crew of four men formed a square around the cables, waving their hands in warning as people walked by. They were all wearing identical blue jumpsuits with snowy white hardhats, their apparel streaked with layers of grime and sweat. The one closest to them saw them approaching and quickly trotted over, his hand fixed on the top of his head to keep his hard hat from bouncing off.

    “Sorry folk’s, but that’s as close as ya’ll are gonna get,” the man said, his vowels long and prominent.

    The man’s brow was drenched in sweat, which transitioned to his almost shoulder length hair that was of the same wet persuasion. A scraggly three-day growth of a beard was visible against intense hazel eyes. As he came to a stop in front of them, Dorian noticed two things. First, that the man was tanned and muscularly toned like that of a chiseled statue; the second thing was that Shelton was salivating like a hungry Houndoom.

    “What happened?” Dorian asked.

    “Well, the report we got was that a Scyther flew by not too long ago and thought it would be a good idea to slice the lines,” the man said, wiping a gloved hand across his forehead.

    “Shelton Street,” Shelton announced, pushing past Dorian and extending her hand.

    “Pleased to meet you, Ms. Street,” the man smiled, his gaze moving up and down across her body. “The name’s James Ford.”

    “Pleased to meet you, James,” Shelton grinned, her voice giggling as she said his name.

    “You ain’t from Pewter, are you?” James asked.

    “Originally no,” Shelton answered. “I lived here when I was younger, but moved away a few years ago.”

    “Well, I knew that before I asked,” James explained. “I couldn’t forget a pretty face like yours if I tried.”

    Dorian watched the scene before him unfold in disgust, completely unaccustomed to Shelton’s blatant flirting. She was swooning over this man with no regard to what she looked like; which to Dorian was akin to her asking for a three course dinner at a hardware store. Spying two children kicking a ball past them, Dorian took the opportunity to put Shelton out of her misery.

    “Excuse me, sir,” Dorian said, condescension obvious in his voice. “There are a couple kids about to get fried.”

    After looking over to his left, James took off in pursuit of the children passing the ball between themselves. Right before he was out of earshot he called, “I hope I see you soon, Ms. Street.”

    “I’ll be here for awhile!” Shelton called, her smile stretching from ear to ear.

    “Really?” Dorian asked, widening his eyes.

    “What?!” Shelton snapped.

    “You were pretty much undressing him with your eyes.”

    “No I wasn’t,” Shelton said. “I was just introducing myself.”

    “Right,” Dorian replied. “I forgot it’s common courtesy to make a puddle of saliva at your feet every time you meet a handyman.”

    “I was just being nice. Besides, he’s hot.”

    “No he’s not,” Dorian said. “He smelled like backwoods Unova trash and he looked like it too.”

    “Oh come on,” Shelton replied. “Seriously Dorian, every woman between twelve and ninety-five with a pulse would think he’s hot.”

    “Did you just come up with that, or is that saying something you’ve heard somewhere before?”

    “It’s pretty common around women,” Shelton explained.

    “Well just so you know, I think it’s pretty stupid.”

    “I feel pretty bad about it now that you’ve said that,” Shelton said sarcastically. “I’ll be sure to act completely asexual around men from now on.”

    “Like I care who you get busy with,” Dorian said. “All I’m saying is that you could raise your standards a little bit.”

    “Nunuz!” Nuzleaf agreed.

    “You’re both morons,” Shelton moaned, clearly exasperated by the conversation.

    Just as Shelton was about to expand on her point, Dorian felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. Flipping his phone open, he said, “You better have a good reason for ignoring my call, I feel almost violated.”

    “Where are you?” Ronnie asked, his voice reeking of desperation. “You guys are in Pewter by now, right?”

    “We’re actually right in front of your house,” Dorian assured him. “Where are you?”

    “It’s actually kind of complicated. I’m leaving the museum, but I’m under a sort of academic house arrest. The director gave the order to send the excavation team out a few days earlier than expected, which forced me to tell him about your discovery.”

    “So he’s pissed?”

    “To say the least. He was angry at first that I kept this from him, but his mood quickly changed as he realized that the find could save the museum a lot of money. The pictures you sent me sufficed for the moment, but he’s asked me to get the marker from you and bring it to him.”

    “Well we got it,” Dorian said. “Should we bring it to your office?”

    “Don’t worry about it,” Ronnie replied. “I’m already on my way to the house, so I’ll just grab it when I get there. There’s still a composition test I want to do before I present it.”

    “Were you able to talk to him about paying us for it?” Dorian asked, trying to hide the longing in his voice.

    “I wasn’t, but I’ll get to it after I give him the marker. He’s more likely to be charitable if he’s in a good mood.”

    “Sounds good.”

    “I’ll see you in about twenty minutes,” Ronnie informed him. “Bye.”

    “Bye,” Dorian repeated, flipping the phone shut and returning it to his pocket.

    He looked over to Nuzleaf and Shelton to tell them what Ronnie said, but stopped when he noticed what appeared to be a fire near the southern entrance of the city. Squinting, he saw the fire flare brighter for a second, then vanish completely in a flash of red light. After deciding that it was probably just some random trainer battle, he turned back to his roommate.

    “Was that Ronnie?” Shelton quickly asked.

    “Yeah,” Dorian replied. “He’s coming.”


    **********


    Ethan quickly dismounted his Rapidash as she trotted to a stop. They were situated at the outskirts of Pewter, only a stone’s throw away from the southern gate. He quickly looked around for his Scyther, dry grass crunching loudly beneath his boots.

    “Call her,” Ethan instructed his Alakazam.

    “Kazam,” he nodded, closing his eyes and letting his thoughts inch their way across the circumference of the city.

    Confident that his Scyther would arrive momentarily, Ethan turned back to examine the city. A red shingled Pokemon Center sat up the right, while farther back and to the left resided an almost depressed looking market; its blue roof cracked and weathered with age. Houses were strewn across the city like random fallen raindrops, with no order or discernible pattern to their placement. Slabs of rock decorated the ground every few hundred feet, some no bigger than basketballs, while others were as large as cars; a testament to the city’s rocky beginning.

    Ethan hated all of it; it was so, unorganized. There weren’t even clear paths for people to walk on, instead there were just random trails of stomped grass crisscrossing in every direction. This poor excuse of a city was nothing compared to his home in Saffron, where manicured lawns and glass high-rises reigned supreme. Ethan would deal with this situation quickly and get back home; back to a place with proper people and actual order.

    “Rapidash,” Ethan started, pulling out her pokeball. “The project we’re on requires more stealth, and unfortunately you draw too much attention.”

    “Neii,” Rapidash whined, spitting out the grass she had been eating.

    “I know, but it’s for the best,” Ethan informed her. “Once we get back home you can have some free time outside, but for the moment you need to do as I say.”

    “Niieee,” she huffed, the flames on her mane billowing higher.

    Ethan pressed the return button on her pokeball, enveloping her in ruby light and returning her to its confines. He pocketed the ball and looked back over to Alakazam, whose face was still scrunched up in concentration.

    “She coming?” Ethan asked.

    “Kazazam,” the Pokemon replied, inclining his head towards the tree line.

    There was a rustling of limbs, and a shadow appeared between the nearest trees. Scyther forced herself through the tight overgrowth, making an effort to keep her left arm hidden behind her back. Her eyes lit up as she saw her master, and shuffled over to stand next to Alakazam.

    “Did you find them?” Ethan asked her.

    “Sai,” Scyther affirmed.

    “Good, let’s go then,” Ethan smiled, gesturing for her to take the lead.

    “Scyther,” she said nervously, turning back towards the tree line.

    Before she took a step however, Ethan quickly jumped forward and grabbed her left arm, twisting it roughly towards himself. The sword that made up his Pokemon’s lower arm had been burned severely, turning her dark green color a putrid black. Scyther looked back at him guiltily, trying to wrench her arm out of his grasp.

    “What happened?” Ethan hissed.

    “Sai,” she explained. “Scythersai.”

    “And you thought that would be funny?” Ethan questioned.

    “Saisa,” she moaned as his grip tightened.

    “Stop,” Ethan ordered. “It serves you right. Slicing electrical cables is something a Beedrill would do, not you. Did I not express how important this was? What were you thinking?”

    “Sai,” she replied, hanging her head.

    “You’re not getting off that easy,” Ethan replied, clamping down on her arm so hard that his hand began to cramp.

    “Scyther!” she yelled, tearing her arm from his gasp. Her sword came loose quickly, though not before it tore a pencil width gash across his wrist. She held her arm to her chest, trying her best to look apologetic; which was something she rarely succeeded at, owing to the fact that she was never sorry about anything.

    “This is important, and there is no room for error,” Ethan informed the frightened bug. Wincing, he flexed his right arm and closed his eyes in an effort to center himself. After a moment, he opened them again to see the wound on his wrist healing, black smoke drifting out of the hole. Moments later, the cut was gone, leaving no trace that it had ever happened.

    “Saisai,” Scyther explained, pointing with her uninjured arm back through the trees.

    “Lead the way,” Ethan said.

    Fuming with more anger than he had before he got to town, Ethan followed his Scyther into the dense forest, trying his best not to make any noise. Alakazam followed behind, doing rapid multiplication in his head to occupy his mind. The trio quickly made their way across the town, keeping far enough into the forest that they couldn’t be seen. After a few minutes, Scyther halted, staring at a house about a hundred yards away.

    They were there, in all their thieving glory. A red mist came over Ethan and he started forward, his hands shaking with rage. Alakazam grabbed him right before he got out of reach, causing him to turn around. The psychic Pokemon pointed towards the group Ethan was walking towards, motioning at the numerous other people that were walking nearby.

    Ethan took a breath to calm himself. His Alakazam was right; it was far too crowded to risk any sort of unprovoked attack. With slow and deliberate steps, Ethan pushed himself through the woods to peek around the last tree that separated the two groups. As he came to the edge of the trees, the shard in his pocket began to vibrate.


    ********


    He should be here any minute,” Dorian thought, looking to the west for any sign of his uncle.

    Shaking his head, he returned back to the game he and Nuzleaf were playing. The game was an amalgamation of different situations they’ve been put through over the years, and they were still in the process of perfecting the rules. Basically, they faced each other about fifteen yards away from each other and stood completely still. One of them expanded a pokeball, and threw it at the other as hard as they could. You could aim for any area on the person you wished, but if you flinched or dodged out of the way, you earned yourself a penalty. Their current penalty was that the other person could give them a punch to the gut, without any sort of padding or protection whatsoever. To them it was a fair game, because if you showed courage, you usually took a pokeball to the skull, and if you showed cowardice, you were rewarded with a punch to the stomach. The only real way to win was for the other person to miss every time while remaining completely still.

    “Ready for the noise?!” Dorian yelled, throwing the ball.

    “Nunuz!” Nuzleaf answered, his eyes squeezed tightly shut. The ball missed him by several feet, causing him to blow Dorian a raspberry and take off after it.

    “Dammit,” Dorian grumbled.

    A laugh to his left caused him to look over. Machoke was giggling slightly at Dorian’s failed attempt, his voice much deeper than it had been as a Machop. On one hand, Dorian was glad Machoke had calmed down enough to relax, as there had been a pretty stressful situation when he was released a few minutes ago.

    Dorian had been talking to Shelton as he and Nuzleaf lined up to play their game when she had decided to release Machoke for the first time since returning him right after he had evolved. The fighting Pokemon had materialized in a shower of white energy, standing almost as tall as Dorian in his new form. The only problem was, he had taken shape completely nude. As soon as Machoke’s eyes took in his new form and the area he was in, he quickly started crying and covering his lower body in embarrassment. Shelton had tried to calm him down, only to have her Pokemon start stomping the ground in angst, creating cracks in the road with his newfound brawn. Machoke had only calmed down once Dorian pulled out a pair of his own boxer briefs from his bag and handed them to him.

    Now, Machoke was seated on the ground next to Shelton, Dorian’s boxers being stretched to their limit by his bulging muscles. Shelton was sitting next to him, her head leaning against her Pokemon’s shoulder. She hadn’t stopped touching Machoke since he had emerged from his ball, convinced that something else would befall him if he wandered too far away from her.

    “It’s not as easy as you might think. So how about you mind your own busi-,” Dorian started, only to be cut off by a fiery glaze sent at him by Shelton.

    Just as Dorian turned back towards Nuzleaf, he paused, his back pocket was vibrating. It was odd though, as he distinctly remembered putting his phone in his front pocket. Shaking his head, he reached into his back pocket and pulled it out; but it wasn’t his phone he had retrieved, it was the shard. It was pulsing lightly, almost like a gentle heartbeat. Dorian didn’t understand why the marker was moving. It didn’t have anything inside it, at least to the best of his knowledge it didn’t.

    “Why are you looking at that thing like that?” Shelton asked.

    “I don’t see how, but this thing is vibrat-,” Dorian said, only to be cut off by the sudden impact of a pokeball hitting him in the side of the head.

    “Nuuhnuz!” Nuzleaf cackled loudly.

    “You little bastard!” Dorian yelled, bending down and picking up the ball. “I wasn’t paying attention! That’s a free shot from ten feet!”

    “Nuzleaf!” his Pokemon called, blowing him another raspberry.

    In a rage, Dorian darted forward, the pokeball in his right hand, the pulsing shard in his left. As he closed to about ten feet away, Dorian drew back and hurled the ball at Nuzleaf, its red surface gleaming. Nuzleaf barely ducked in time as the ball streaked towards him, causing it to miss him by several inches. The ball continued on its course, slicing through the air like a knife. As it connected with the hedge that circled Ronnie’s house, there was a loud squeal, a flash of white light, and a tiny snap as it closed itself back up.

    “Nu?” Nuzleaf asked, prying himself out of a headlock.

    “I don’t know, go check,” Dorian replied.

    “Nunuz!” Nuzleaf answered, shaking his leaf from side to side.

    “What was that flash?” Shelton asked as she and Machoke jogged up.

    “Well, the Pokeball hit the hedge, and we heard something yell,” Dorian explained.

    “Go get it then, dummy,” Shelton said.

    “I know what to do,” Dorian replied, walking over to the hedge.

    It took him a moment to dig through the thick foliage, but his hands found the trembling pokeball. Standing back up, he rolled it in his hand, his mind a mix of anticipation and confusion. With a loud ding, the return button of the ball blinked red rapidly, signaling a successful capture.

    “Well,” Shelton inquired.

    “I uh, caught something,” Dorian informed her.

    “Nunuz?” Nuzleaf chimed in.

    “How the hell am I supposed to know?” Dorian asked. “I didn’t see what it was.”

    “Nuzleaf,” he countered.

    “Yeah, open it,” Shelton agreed.

    “Alright,” Dorian said, slightly unsure of himself. “I should just do that. Yeah, I’ll just open it.”

    Taking a quick breath, Dorian pressed the return button, opening the ball and spilling out its contents. A shape began to materialize on the ground in front of them, bathing their half circle in a bright white glow. Starting at the ground, a thick black tail in the winding shape of a coil appeared, followed by a sizeable, similarly colored tube-like stomach. Two stubby arms became visible next, followed by two rosy circles of fur underneath inky black eyes. By far the most distinguishing characteristic of the now fully formed Pokemon was a large pink pearl clamped tightly between its tiny ears.

    “Is that?” Shelton asked.

    “Pretty sure it is,” Dorian agreed.

    “Spoink?” the small Pokemon uttered, its large flat nose sniffing the air.

    “Well hello,” Dorian said. “How’s it going?”

    “Spoink?” the Pokemon repeated, looking at Dorian like he was some sort of extraterrestrial. Its eyes drifted over the rest of the group, narrowing slightly when it came to the hulking form of Machoke. Coming back to Dorian, the Spoink spied the open pokeball clutched in Dorian’s right hand. Its eyes widened to the extreme, and its mouth dropped open.

    “Yeah, I kind of inadvertently caught you,” Dorian said, grinning sheepishly.

    “SPOINK!” the pokemon bellowed, bobbing up and down very rapidly.

    As the sound escaped the psychic Pokemon’s mouth, several things happened at once. Nuzleaf leapt forward, drawing back his fist, Machoke grabbed Shelton from behind and turned around, shielding her with his body, and a pink glow shot out of the Spoink’s pearl and enveloped Dorian from head to toe.

    “Wai-,” Dorian started, only to stop short as he was yanked off the ground and thrown backwards through the air. Dorian’s vision blurred as he flew backwards, the world passing by him too quickly to focus. Just before the force carrying him dropped its hold, he managed to turn his head around to see where he was going to land. Dorian began flailing his arms wildly in vain, yelling through clenched teeth as his body came down on the twitching mass of sliced electrical cables in front of his uncle’s house.

    Pain, unimaginable pain, coursed through his body in torrents as the electricity surged across his flesh. Almost as soon as that one agonizing second commenced, it was over, and he pushed himself up off the ground. Shivering and covered with goose bumps, Dorian struggled to understand why the temperature had changed so dramatically. Remembering what he had fallen into, Dorian quickly leaped to the left, putting him out of the way of the cables.

    As he looked down to where he had just jumped from, he gasped. His body was still lying on the ground, twitching and contorting in agony as electricity billowed across it. He almost fainted on the spot as he looked at his body on the ground, his mind being torn in half by the paradox that was taking shape in front of him. He was standing to the side, he wasn’t still on the cables; he had jumped, hadn’t he? As he watched his body on the ground, he noticed two things. First, that his body on the ground was spasming far too slowly; and looking up he could see Nuzleaf in the distance running towards his body on the ground, but he was moving slow as well, like he was stuck in slow motion. The second thing he noticed was that the blue electricity surging across his frame on the ground was all moving to one point, to the shard still clutched in his left hand.

    Dorian raised his left hand in his standing body and saw that the same shard was in that hand as well, the only difference being that it was glowing. How was it in both hands? Despite the fact that he was having an out of body experience, that question kept forcing its way into his mind. How were they in both hands? Just as he asked himself the question again, the black shard started pulsing. Harder and harder it pulsed, vibrating so hard that Dorian could barely hang on to it. He couldn’t understand the situation unfolding in front of him; it was so far beyond the realm of his comprehension that all he could do was stare blankly at the softly glowing object. Well, almost all he could do. He figured out he could still scream; which is exactly what he did when the shard wrapped itself around his left hand and yanked him into the sky.
    Last edited by Sidewinder; 4th May 2012 at 3:44 AM.

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
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  13. #63
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    Woo! "Filler chapter!"

    Dorian and Shelton’s Pokemon were all out of their respective balls, clapping softly as Trapinch approached. Well, almost all of them.
    Considering the narrator is not a "character" (at least has not been portrayed as such), it seems odd for the narrator to say something like "Well, almost all of them". It sounds a bit too colloquial for an unquestioned narration. Do you know what I mean? There's nothing wrong with giving your narrator some flavor and personality, but it hasn't had one to this point, so this threw me.

    “I was hoping that a win might finally make you evolve,” Dorian said. “It’s alright though. I know you’re as eager to get rid of those pains as I am. Maybe it’ll happen next time
    I love Love LOVE the portrayal of evolution as this long, drawn-out process. It almost makes me wish you had made it even more protracted by having some elements of Trapinch change gradually (its coloration or appendages or eyes...some small physical change to show the painful awkwardness and relate it more too adolescence), but I still love this concept.

    Not as much as the Pokeflect! But still.

    Trapinch felt an familiar sensation start tugging at its gut
    *UNfamiliar. Just a typo.

    Trapinch began to growl loudly, tapping into the growing process that his kind was sometimes afforded. His skin suddenly transformed into sickly hues of yellow and green. His eyes began to bulge and turn a lustrous olive as his backbone began to stretch and wiggle trough the back of his thick hide. Crimson blood streamed down his sides as a pair of regal looking, rhombus shaped wings burst out from underneath his skin. Growling louder now, the bones in his face began to change shape, becoming thinner, narrower, becoming almost brittle in their lightness. As a pair of antenna burst out of Trapinch’s forehead, his new tail split in two, mirroring the shape and color of its new wings.
    Yeah, see...that was good. Very powerful visuals. I just would liked to have seen hints of the changes earlier. But still...very nice!

    “Look kid, I’m not in the mood to battle you,” Dorian said, his mood bypassing annoyance and going straight to exasperation. “I don’t care if we locked eyes, I don’t have to adhere to your need to prove yourself. How old are you anyway? Twelve?”

    “I’m fourteen!” the kid yelled. “It’s in the rules! If you look at me, and I look back at you, we have to battle. I’ll call the Pokemon Battle Association if you don’t!”

    “What makes you think I care? Do you think that’s going to change my mind? Kid, before you threaten someone, you need to make sure you have something to take away from them.”

    “You’re just scared,” the adolescent surmised. “You know Beedrill and I would pound you senseless!”

    “Are you off your medication? I have at least twelve years experience on you,” Dorian said, bringing his head down to the teen’s level. “Where are your parents? I’m feeling the sudden urge to tell them what an annoying little bastard you are.”

    “They’re back in Kanto, not that it’s any of your damn business!”

    “And you said you were fourteen? What kind of negligent parents send their kids out by themselves at that age?”

    “They have faith in me!”
    You like to make fun of the game tropes. That was at least two right there. It's fun to ridicule the sillier aspects of the games, but be careful not to overdo it. It's hard to juxtapose the realism of Trapinch's bloody, pain evolution against the silliness of those things. I know that you are ridiculing the silliness of them, but it's still feeling a TAD BIT forced to do so. But don't worry, it's amusing to read either way.

    -What an odd note to end the chapter on. It makes me feel there is more to this kid and his Beedrill than meets the eye. I'm curious as to how this battle wraps up and what it's leading to, so I might sneak a peak at chapter 5 before heading off.

    As far as filler chapters go, this wasn't bad. I like filler because it develops character. We didn't really get MUCH of that here, but the writing was still very enjoyable.


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  14. #64
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    All caught up! But I'm on my iPod right now so I can't give an in depth review. As I told you already, I loved chapter 8. It has to be my favorite so far. I had thought you killed Golduck. I was going to cry, but I'm happy to see that he is alive. The Graveler incident wrapped up very nicely. I expect both Dorian and Shelton to grow from it. I love how you portrayed Shelton when she saw the workman. Seems like you have women pinned down. ;P Ethan becoming more and more frustrated was a nice touch. It seems he's ready to pull his hair out. Keep up the good work. Until next time.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87
    I can't believe I JUST thought of this: Why didn't the Pokeflect save Dorian from that attack, anyway? (I'm still SUPER interested in this device)
    Well, I think it would have protected him but it wasn't activated at the time. The device needs to be switched on to be able to block attacks. So if he's not in a battle or dangerous situation, I think he leaves it off to save power.

    Was someonbe watching Mean Girls when they wrote this? It seems really derivative of the "fetch" dialogue.
    Lol now that I think about it, it is pretty similar. However, no, its my own invention. I use that catch phrase irl, and it annoys my fiance to no end.

    Considering the narrator is not a "character" (at least has not been portrayed as such), it seems odd for the narrator to say something like "Well, almost all of them". It sounds a bit too colloquial for an unquestioned narration. Do you know what I mean? There's nothing wrong with giving your narrator some flavor and personality, but it hasn't had one to this point, so this threw me.
    I see what you're saying on that bit. To be completely honest I didn't even think of that so thanks for bringing it to my attention.

    I love Love LOVE the portrayal of evolution as this long, drawn-out process. It almost makes me wish you had made it even more protracted by having some elements of Trapinch change gradually (its coloration or appendages or eyes...some small physical change to show the painful awkwardness and relate it more too adolescence), but I still love this concept.
    I see what you mean. You're actually the second person to suggest that very thing. I flirted with the idea before, but with Trapinch I decided that the way I went was my favorite. Who knows, you may see some of what you suggested if any more of their pokemon evolve.

    You like to make fun of the game tropes. That was at least two right there. It's fun to ridicule the sillier aspects of the games, but be careful not to overdo it. It's hard to juxtapose the realism of Trapinch's bloody, pain evolution against the silliness of those things. I know that you are ridiculing the silliness of them, but it's still feeling a TAD BIT forced to do so. But don't worry, it's amusing to read either way.
    On one hand, I was making fun of the games, but the main reason the kid said those things because his character is really bent on following rules at all costs and sticking to exactly what his manual says. That'll become apparent in later chapters as he slowly works himself back into the story. I'll keep what you said in mind.

    What an odd note to end the chapter on. It makes me feel there is more to this kid and his Beedrill than meets the eye.

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
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  16. #66
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    I love Love LOVE the portrayal of evolution as this long, drawn-out process. It almost makes me wish you had made it even more protracted by having some elements of Trapinch change gradually (its coloration or appendages or eyes...some small physical change to show the painful awkwardness and relate it more too adolescence), but I still love this concept.
    I see what you mean. You're actually the second person to suggest that very thing. I flirted with the idea before, but with Trapinch I decided that the way I went was my favorite. Who knows, you may see some of what you suggested if any more of their pokemon evolve.
    Working on a review and saw this. I have a problem with that form of evolution. It makes snese to me for a Pokemon to be preparing, like a bear for hibernation, and then let the actual change happen more instantaniously, but if you go the drawn out route, what do you do with Pokemon liek Remoraid? Halfway through evolution,. uyou have this finless red rock thing with dumpy little limbs not quite long enough to move its proportionally oversize head, and the flins it had as a Remoraid have mostly retreated into its Octillery body. You have this fish that can't feed itself...

    my tw cents, anyway. Personally, I subscribe to a theory that the white light, or any of the lights including the Pokeball mechanisms, is not the body, but the soul momentarily exposed.
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

  17. #67
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    Hey. Said I'd review this, so I will, but good chapter overall imo.

    On the subject of the evolution method, I think it's a good idea and waaay more realistic than in the games and anime, but I see Glover's point about certain Pokémon that would struggle with this method. But what if certain Pokémon, such as Remoraid, had developed faster evolution so that they wouldn't have to go as long without food? That's just an idea on my part, feel free to say it's terrible.

    “Shut it. Just because you had one good idea does not mean that I have a higher opinion of you. Besides, you still owe me for rent,” Shelton snarled.

    “Do you ever let anything go?” Dorian asked.

    “Not when it comes to money,” Shelton answered. “Or your awful decisions involving money, word usage, or dress sense.”
    I think you portray the relationship between Dorian and Shelton really well. You have a good balance between Shelton's scathing nudges but not making it seem too forced.

    He felt Alakazam flinch behind him as the words crossed his mind; having no doubt that the psychic type had heard. Unfazed, Ethan used his heels to spurn Rapidash faster, his body starting to almost vibrate with eagerness. The forest they were traveling through morphed into a ring of brown and black as they sped up, Ethan’s eyes unable to focus due to the wind howling into them. He knew that Rapidash was already pushed to the edge of her abilities, but he dug his heels into her harder; fire in his eyes and murder in his heart.
    Another thing I like is the way you're portraying Ethan. He's slowly getting more and more violent in his pursuit of Dorian and Shelton, and the fact that Alakazam doesn't wholly agree with him is a nice touch on the lines of making sure all the Pokémon have personalitites. It also means he's a tiny bit more unpredictable.

    First, that the man was tanned and muscularly toned like that of a chiseled statue; the second thing was that Shelton was salivating like a hungry Houndoom.
    I LOL'ed.

    Dorian watched the scene before him unfold in disgust, completely unaccustomed to Shelton’s blatant flirting. She was swooning over this man with no regard to what she looked like; which to Dorian was akin to her asking for a three course dinner at a hardware store.
    Love Dorian's reaction to this as well.

    “You better have a good reason for ignoring my call, I feel almost violated.”
    I felt this was awkwardly worded. To me, "I feel almost violated" doesn't make a lot of sense.

    “Rapidash,” Ethan started, pulling out her pokeball. “The project we’re on requires more stealth, and unfortunately you draw too much attention.”

    “Neii,” Rapidash whined, spitting out the grass she had been eating.
    Tbh, I was expecting Rapidash to be more tired after Ethan had pushed her so hard earlier.

    The fighting Pokemon had materialized in a shower of white energy, standing almost as tall as Dorian in his new form. The only problem was, he had taken shape completely nude.
    So that's one of the complications with his evolution. Nice touch, plus it makes sense that Machoke wouldn't have been able to create the pants from evolving after needing so much energy to evolve after being injured in the first place.

    He figured out he could still scream; which is exactly what he did when the shard wrapped itself around his left hand and yanked him into the sky.
    ...WHAT? Argh, massive cliffhanger! ;_; I hope Dorian doesn't die. I like Dorian.

    So many cliffhangers! The last paragraph was well done though, I thought Dorian's confusion and fear over how he managed to jump out of his own body was well expressed.

    I know I ought to point out the negative points of this fic as well as going "You portrayed this well, you wrote that well", but tbh I can't see anything that you desparately need to work on. Future reviews probably won't be quite as in-depth (by my standards anyway), but they will definitely come. Looking forward to the next chapter.
    Originally Posted by Missingno. Master
    And my authorish side must tell you that logic doesn't trump diddly in this story. Klang can fart. Plain and simple.

  18. #68
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    Quote Originally Posted by Glover
    Working on a review and saw this. I have a problem with that form of evolution. It makes snese to me for a Pokemon to be preparing, like a bear for hibernation, and then let the actual change happen more instantaniously, but if you go the drawn out route, what do you do with Pokemon liek Remoraid? Halfway through evolution,. uyou have this finless red rock thing with dumpy little limbs not quite long enough to move its proportionally oversize head, and the flins it had as a Remoraid have mostly retreated into its Octillery body. You have this fish that can't feed itself...
    I see your point as well. I like my idea of spontaneous violent evolution the best, but subtle changes beforehand, like change of eye color, skin color, beginnings of a tail, etc, are something that I may or may not decide to do. As long as the small changes don't affect the Pokemon to the point where they can't function normally, I don't see a problem with it. Lol, I'll probably end up sticking to my version

    my tw cents, anyway. Personally, I subscribe to a theory that the white light, or any of the lights including the Pokeball mechanisms, is not the body, but the soul momentarily exposed.
    I've never heard that theory before. Did you make it up? Or is it a well known theory?

    Quote Originally Posted by PhantomDragon
    But what if certain Pokémon, such as Remoraid, had developed faster evolution so that they wouldn't have to go as long without food? That's just an idea on my part, feel free to say it's terrible.
    I see what you mean. If you read my response to Glover, I think it should clear that up. Thanks for the input!

    I think you portray the relationship between Dorian and Shelton really well. You have a good balance between Shelton's scathing nudges but not making it seem too forced.
    Thanks! Their relationship is one area I think is really integral to the story, so its been something I've been trying really hard on. Thanks for noticing.

    I felt this was awkwardly worded. To me, "I feel almost violated" doesn't make a lot of sense.
    You're right, it does feel somewhat awkward. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.

    Tbh, I was expecting Rapidash to be more tired after Ethan had pushed her so hard earlier.
    I'm sure she was, which is why the first thing she did after she was able to rest was start eating.

    ...WHAT? Argh, massive cliffhanger! ;_; I hope Dorian doesn't die. I like Dorian.
    I have a couple irl friends who don't know anything about Pokemon who read this, and the first thing my buddy did after he read the last paragraph was throw a beer bottle at me aha

    Thanks for the review, I'm glad you took the time to read it ^^

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
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  19. #69
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    “I say that after we get paid, we buy enough food so that we don’t have to leave the house for a month.”

    “Oddly enough, I’m in complete agreement,” Shelton admitted.
    I like their interactions here a lot. You do a good job at showing how they get along yet how they like to playfully fight with each other. (Also, this is like my dream situation. I like being lazy.)
    Ronnie would make their recent misfortune worthwhile; he would put them back into their usual mindset. His uncle always exuded a sense of calm and jovial happiness, and had always done his best to make him and Shelton feel welcome and comfortable; it was an unspoken promise he had kept ever since he started raising them.
    Well, this explains a lot. Yay for Dorian and Shelton backstory! Now that I think about it, anyway, I prefer them to have sibling-like relationship rather than a romantic one.

    The trio walked with purpose, all three ready for some much deserved rest, all of them unaware of a Scyther watching them from just inside the nearby tree line.
    I really liked this line. I like the mixture of determination for giving themselves a chance to rest, yet us, as the readers, know that that rest probably isn’t coming any time soon.

    He noticed a similar aura taking shape around his own legs and waist; obviously Alakazam’s attempt to keep them both level on the galloping horse.
    I wouldn’t really use the word “obviously” in third person. It can make the readers feel dumb especially if they don’t realize what you’re actually trying to say. Also expecting your readers to know things is silly. If you said, however: “it was obvious to Ethan that Alakazam was trying to keep them both level…” or something, that’d be fine, since it’s attributed to your character, not the readers. Hope that makes sense.

    Ignorance does not excuse a crime, and this was an offense that would not be forgiven.
    Tense change here. Should be: “did not excuse”

    First, that the man was tanned and muscularly toned like that of a chiseled statue; the second thing was that Shelton was salivating like a hungry Houndoom.
    Amusing. Oh, Shelton, you’re such a flirt.

    She was swooning over this man with no regard to what she looked like; which to Dorian was akin to her asking for a three course dinner at a hardware store.
    Even more amusing. I’d totally like to see this scene. And it’s just like Dorian to be like… what the hell are you doing?

    “I was just being nice. Besides, he’s hot.”

    “No he’s not,” Dorian said. “He smelled like backwoods Unova trash and he looked like it too.”
    LOL. A course a guy would say no. Also, I like the hint of Dorian not liking people from other regions. I’ve seen a lot of rivalry between regions being implemented in fics, and I’ve always found it pretty interesting. It’s kind of like the pokémon version of racism… since no one ever seems to have actual race prominent in their fics.

    “Like I care who you get busy with,” Dorian said. “All I’m saying is that you could raise your standards a little bit.”

    “Nunuz!” Nuzleaf agreed.
    Nuzleaf randomly showing up LOL. If even the pokémon know you’re kinda going around too much, then that sounds like a pretty big deal.

    “Yeah,” Dorian replied. “He’s coming.”
    Lol, at first I think Ronnie, but you cut this section off at the perfect point to where the readers realizes—well, ****, Ethan’s coming too.

    Confident that his Scyther would arrive momentarily, Ethan turned back to examine the city. A red shingled Pokemon Center sat up the right, while farther back and to the left resided an almost depressed looking market; its blue roof cracked and weathered with age. Houses were strewn across the city like random fallen raindrops, with no order or discernible pattern to their placement. Slabs of rock decorated the ground every few hundred feet, some no bigger than basketballs, while others were as large as cars; a testament to the city’s rocky beginning.
    This is a very interesting and descriptive take on Pewter City. Yeah, it’s supposed to be a really ancient city and kind of old, but the games/anime never really show that. I like this a lot.

    “You’re not getting off that easy,” Ethan replied, clamping down on her arm so hard that his hand began to cramp.
    As evil as it sounds, I really like this part. It shows just how serious Ethan is about this situation. He’s willing to go pretty damn far for it, even if it means that his pokémon get hurt.

    The only problem was, he had taken shape completely nude. As soon as Machoke’s eyes took in his new form and the area he was in, he quickly started crying and covering his lower body in embarrassment.
    Poor Machoke. This is a pretty interesting take on the pokémon. Usually they’re all supposed to have heavyweight belts or something, but it just doesn’t make sense for them to materialize out of nowhere. I like this realistic take on Machoke. It also gave great insight to his character. :P Poor guy.

    I also liked the ending a lot. Looks like Dorian’s going through something similar that Ethan does because of the stone. Out-of-body experiences can certainly be interesting.

    Overall, your description was really good in this chapter, as usual. I could see everything very clearly. There was also a lot more interactive dialogue in this chapter, I think… And I think you’re getting a lot better at it. You really know how to portray a character’s personality and such through their words alone, which is a good skill to have. Anyway, I look forward to seeing more.


    | she will get the truth out of him, whatever it may be. |
    | letters 13/14 released 5/22/14 |


    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | COMPLETE AS OF 8/11/13 |


  20. #70
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    Sorry for the delay, but its here now. I tried to find any remaining grammatical errors, but I’m still not that good in that area, so please correct me if any of my statements prove to be false. Well, let’s get started.

    Requiem, an interesting choice for a story title. It means a church service for someone who has died, or a piece of music for that service, a slightly morbid piece of foreshadowing in my opinion. Still, catchy title.


    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    Prologue
    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    The cave, like most in Hoenn, was filled with arching passageways and hidden tunnels, luring tourists and treasure seekers from all over the land to the small island where the cave made its home. Granite Cave, was unique in the fact that it was not only just found on the island but burrowed underneath it.
    I don’t think that there should be a comma after Granite Cave. There is no pause in the sentence that requires it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    They had given him his Abra however. He allowed himself a small smile at the thought; he and the pokemon had bonded extremely well over the last few months, becoming inseperable, becoming dependant on one another.
    Supposed to be inseparable.

    A very well written start to this story. You explain the boy’s childhood and give us many details of his situation including the fact that he has an Abra with similar issues. The scene with the chamber is a little rushed in my opinion, going from the boy losing sight of the tour group to being attacked by a wild Pokemon to getting dragged through a wall to the alter and the crystal, but this is the prologue so I guess its all right if its short.


    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    Chapter 1
    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post

    Bullet Seed!’ Dorian roared.
    Not sure on your take on capitalizing move names, either way for this situation the move name starts the sentence, so I believe it has to be capitalized.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post

    It was odd; both Pokemon were polar opposites in terms of facial features, but they were giving Dorian the exact same look of contempt. Rolling his eyes, Dorian tucked his newly captured Pokemon into his pocket, patting it once to reassure himself; then started back down the road towards Cherrygrove City, with the tree midget and space termite following close behind.
    Supposed to have a semicolon there not a comma.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    As he fell, he sighted Sheton’s Golduck sitting on the steps of their front porch, its bill marred with a mixture of anxiousness and forced regret.
    Again, supposed to be a semicolon.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    “I-“ he started, only to be cut off by the fiery glare thrown at him from her shocking azure eyes.
    Not so much an grammatical issue, but the quotation mark is backwards.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    He switched back to Shelton, taking in her glowing, shoulder length blond hair, the slight curves of her shoulder and hips, and her ivory skin that was barely visible beneath the waves of red igniting in anger across her face.
    I think that a semicolon is supposed to be there instead of the comma, but I may be mistaken. It could be the way I’m reading the sentence.

    A great chapter, you described the Growlithe battle with much detail as well as introducing Dorian and Nuzleaf. Shelton is well on her way to becoming my favorite character, her no-nonsense attitude and treatment of Dorian who is a polar opposite of her make for quite the funny scene.
    I’d like to mention the passage at the end of the chapter. This man is a strange character, he doesn’t show the signs of an outright antagonist-in fact the prologue makes him seem more like a protagonist with his new powers and the voices. You set up his story so that his quest will eventually intersect with Dorian and Shelton now that Dorian has that artifact.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    CHAPTER 2
    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post

    “Ah! How’s my future daughter in law doing?”

    “She’s really good. We finally set the wedding date; June, two-thousand and never!”
    Nothing wrong with this passage, I just found it funny. It’s a sign of a good author when they can input humor into a story and not detract from the main plot.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    “Well, from the limited amount of information we’ve gathered on the marker’s, they’re supposedly forged from metal; but out of a rare ore we think is obsidian. Though we don’t know for sure because there is so little discovered throughout the world today, only a few grams or so. We know that from their description, its jet black, weighing much less than other metal ore’s they would have had access to back then. From what the Director is thinking, he attributed it more to a hollow, glossy diamond, instead of metal.”
    First off, marker’s is supposed to be markers, and its should be it’s.
    Small errors.

    Again, a well written chapter. A few grammatical errors, but the number of them is decreasing as more chapters pass. Which is always a good sign of improvement.
    We see the financial situation that Dorian and Shelton are in, which, provides a good incentive for them to deliver the artifact to Dorian’s uncle (I know that doesn’t happen until chapter three, but I’m pointing it out now).
    And the man’s quest for the shards, and absorbing them, nice description with that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    The man didn’t know where they were going next, but he knew that the next time he slept, he would be told. He was always told where to go and how to better himself and his Pokemon. The voices would whisper to him in his dreams, guiding him towards additional power, guiding him to more knowledge, and eventually, guiding him to his destiny.
    And now we are introduced to a new character of sorts, the voices. While we don’t know whether the man is the villain of this story yet, we know that it is these voices that guide him on his quest for some unknown reason. You’re introducing his character slowly, so that the readers only see a small bit of his personality at a time. A nice touch, his “destiny” adds another bit of mystery to the plot.


    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    Chapter 3
    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    “You know, sometimes I don’t know who your more loyal to,” Dorian said. “Don’t forget that I picked you off the ground when you were a Seedot and attached you’re worthless carcass to that tree in the backyard!”
    Supposed to be you’re.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    “Nu-Nuz,” the Pokemon agreed, reaching out to shake his owners hand. As the Pokemon’s smiling owner reached down to grasp it however, the Pokemon leaped up and over Dorian; and in one motion twisted gracefully through the air, pulling the front of Dorian's shirt over his head and using his momentum to kick out his legs, sending him back to the ground.
    I think that’s supposed to be owner’s, and it made me laugh.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    “Let’s do it!” Dorian announced. “Strap on the nitro!”

    “Really?” Shelton asked, “Come on Dorian, we talked about this for like half an hour.”

    “Come on, just give it a chance,” he pleaded.

    “No. That catch phrase is never going to catch on. Besides that, its barely a catch phrase. Its just random words that have nothing to do with our current situation.”

    “Fine,” he said, shouldering his pack.

    “We’re clear then?”

    “Yes, mother,” he grumbled.

    “Now can we go?”

    “Yuppers,” he said. “Let’s do it.”
    Oh God, bad catch phrases, also “its” should be it’s.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    “Were going to Johto, outside Cherrygrove,” he told the mustached Pokemon. “Should only take us a day if we move quick.”
    I’m not sure on this one, but it sounds better if it said “quickly” not “quick”.

    The few errors aside, a good chapter. This is where the real adventure begins. I find it a little strange that Dorian just found that rare artifact covered by a thin layer of dirt, while the others were in hidden, underground chambers that had to be forced open with a Pokemon attack. I realize that it’s for the plot, but I’m not sure why this certain artifact was so easy to find. Just a little oddity I was wondering about.

    As of this chapter, Dorian and Shelton, and even Ethan’s characters seem to be developing steadily, with details of back-story and personality being revealed gradually as to not overwhelm readers. You have an excellent balance of plot development, character development, details, and humor. You also make the Pokemon very memorable and make their individual personalities shine. Yet another reason why I enjoy this story.

    Well that's it for Part One of my review of this fic, Parts Two and Three should be up in the upcomming days.

    Knightfall signing off...

  21. #71
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    CHAPTER 5 REVIEW!

    Scorch marks traced a line from its left side up to its twitching antenna, the wounds cracking audibly as it moved.
    Okay, ouch.

    “What was that about me learning something?” the kid called over to Dorian, recalling his Pokemon and retrieving his share of the money.

    “Are you implying that you won?" Dorian asked, opening Growlithe’s pokeball and returning his Pokemon. “Because you obviously didn’t.”

    “Neither did you,” the kid scowled.

    “Well, I’m leaving,” Dorian stated. “Thanks for, whatever.”

    “Right back at you, champ,” the kid fired back.

    “You little bastard!” Dorian exclaimed, changing direction and stalking towards him.
    When you are doing quick back-and-forth dialogue, you don't need the names and verbs ("Dorian exclaimed", etc. Just let it flow, untagged line after untagged line. It will feel a LOT more natural, and will read just as it is supposed to. As long as each character has a distinctive voice, the readers should be able to keep up with the flow for several lines at a time.

    The cliff face to the left began to shift. Slowly at first, almost accidentally, as if it was struggling to decide whether it wanted to keep its shape. White eyes opened along the expanse of the cliff, blinking slowly. Upon closer inspection, legs and arms became visible. The roughly hewn limbs made out of the same rock they were latched onto. The shapes communicated by moving themselves against the rocks, listening to the craggy vibrations that were made when they did so
    I LOVE the part about the Geodude/Graveler/Whatever communicating through vibration. That's incredibly realistic and creative. I'm not enamored with the "Upon closer inspection, legs and arms became visible" line because that sounds almost like script direction than actual prose. Do you get what I mean?

    Vibrava buzzed around the group in lazy concentric circles, drunk on its newfound ability of flight
    Lovely line, that.

    -The ending was fantastic, and I loved the bit with Golduck and Machop and their relationship with Golduck trying to reassure, and later protect him. This is a nice, interesting plot twist to interrupt the main storyline. No Ethan, just the new threat of angry Gravelers. And the two biggest threats to them were neutralized first? Angry SMART Gravelers.


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  22. #72
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    Alright, time to dissect the latest chapter. I'm going to start off with the grammar, so that it can be fixed:

    He felt Alakazam flinch behind him as the words crossed his mind; having no doubt that the psychic type had heard.
    The semi-colon needs to be a comma. Semi-colons indicate that a sentence can be split into two separate ones without being fragments. Commas separate the fragments that wouldn't pass as regular sentences. If you don't want to replace the semi-colon, you might want to replace "having" with "he had".

    The forest they were traveling through morphed into a ring of brown and black as they sped up, Ethan’s eyes unable to focus due to the wind howling into them. He knew that Rapidash was already pushed to the edge of her abilities, but he dug his heels into her harder; fire in his eyes and murder in his heart.
    The bolded semi-colon needs to be a comma, while the bolded comma needs to be a semi-colon. However, you may want to add the word "were" between the words "eyes" and "unable", since the sentence wouldn't sound right otherwise.

    “Sorry folk’s, but that’s as close as ya’ll are gonna get,”
    I know that the worker is supposed to have a bit of an accented drawl, and I love the fact that you gave him a noticeable accent and personality; it makes him all the more memorable. However, the two bolded words were misspelled. "Folks" shouldn't have an apostrophe; it's a single word that would denote Dorian and Shelton. And the apostrophe in "y'all" is supposed to be between the "y" and the "a", since it's a shortened version of "you all".

    She was swooning over this man with no regard to what she looked like; which to Dorian was akin to her asking for a three course dinner at a hardware store.
    Semi-colon should be a comma.

    No he’s not,” Dorian said. “He smelled like backwoods Unova trash and he looked like it too.”
    Oh come on,” Shelton replied. “Seriously Dorian, every woman between twelve and ninety-five with a pulse would think he’s hot.”
    Well just so you know, I think it’s pretty stupid.”
    All of the bolded words in these quotes should have a comma between them.

    A red shingled Pokemon Center sat up the right, while farther back and to the left resided an almost depressed looking market; its blue roof cracked and weathered with age.
    Semi-colon should be a comma.

    Ethan hated all of it; it was so, unorganized. There weren’t even clear paths for people to walk on, instead there were just random trails of stomped grass crisscrossing in every direction. This poor excuse of a city was nothing compared to his home in Saffron, where manicured lawns and glass high-rises reigned supreme. Ethan would deal with this situation quickly and get back home; back to a place with proper people and actual order.
    The first bolded comma (between the words "so" and "unorganized") should be cut out. The second bolded comma should be a semi-colon, and the bolded semi-colon should be a comma.

    Shaking his head, he reached into his back pocket and pulled it out; but it wasn’t his phone he had retrieved, it was the shard. It was pulsing lightly, almost like a gentle heartbeat. Dorian didn’t understand why the marker was moving. It didn’t have anything inside it, at least to the best of his knowledge it didn’t.
    The semi-colon should be a comma, and the sentence "it was the shard" should be separated altogether. I understand what you're trying to do with the bolded comma, but it should actually be a dash, with a comma added between the words "least" and "to".

    "It didn't have anything inside it - at least, to the best of his knowledge it didn't."

    I uh, caught something,” Dorian informed her.
    There should be a comma between the two bolded words.

    He figured out he could still scream; which is exactly what he did when the shard wrapped itself around his left hand and yanked him into the sky.
    Semi-colon should be a comma.

    ...Okay, now that we're done with all of the grammatical stuff, let me conclude with some random thoughts on the characters:

    I actually felt sorry for Scyther, and I don't blame her at all for lashing out at her trainer. Hell, I don't think she should've apologized for that; what Ethan did to her was completely unnecessary and cruel, especially when she showed that she did feel bad about cutting the cable wires. I also felt sorry for Rapidash; he pushed her way beyond her limits and then wouldn't let her rest or eat. I truly think that Ethan, in his madness, is going to end up killing one of his own Pokemon. I just wonder if it would be an accident or on purpose. I also wonder which one would end up paying the ultimate price.

    The characterization of Dorian and Shelton was nice to see. It's really amusing to see their interactions with each other. The part where Shelton fell head over heels for a mere electrician and Dorian's reaction was especially hilarious.

    I don't think that Dorian's going to die this early in the story, but now that the shard has been activated by him, I do wonder if he's going to start hearing the voices as well. I also wonder how he's going to deal with Spoink after it freaked out over its capture and accidentally hurt him in the process.

    Either way, I'm loving how this story is coming together. You just have to clear up the grammatical bits. Otherwise, this is fantastic.

    Sincerely,

    Mem.
    Last edited by SilentMemento; 9th May 2012 at 12:24 AM.
    COMING SOON

    Warmonger - A fantasy fic where peasants fight the wars of kings and lords, where monsters lurk in the night, and where depravity is not only expected, but encouraged...

  23. #73
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    The rocks that were chunked at him by the Graveler’s
    "[C]hucked". Unless they spewed them at him. Which...ew.

    The Graveler threw the rocks they were holding, each handful tripling in size as they raced towards their target.
    I was curious about this. Is it a Graveler power, to increase the size of the rocks? Or was it just describing the change in Nuzleaf's percerption of them as they got closer to him?

    His friend’s face was bruised and bloody, the consequence of the tons of rock that had buried him. Hand still attached to Machop’s arm, he pulled back and flung the fighting Pokemon out of the hole, just as the rock Pokemon he had injured crashed into him, slamming him to the ground and knocking him out.
    You're going to get REAL TIRED, REAL FAST of me talking about the Pokeflect, but to me, it's such a fascinating concept. Would the Pokeflect work if given TO a pokemon? If not, why not just give them some? I can imagine that in battle they'd be barred, but for just journeying around? Hell, I'd give my Pokemon at least one! It would make them indestructible to random acts like this.

    It was just then that Shuppet wailed, the noise resonating in his eardrums like a nearby foghorn.
    Wow, obscure reference for the win. When I first read that, I thought "What, like the cartoon rooster?" I can just see Shuppet saying "Why, I say, son, I say...!"

    As Dorian rolled to a stop, he shouted, “Growlithe, use flamethrower! Shuppet, shadow ball!” The attacks merged together as they hit their target, Growlithe’s flames turning a sickly shade of black and grey.
    Also, very creative. Combining attacks to make a multi-purpose kind of blast. Very well-done creatively. I can imagine only about a thousand uses for such a concept.

    Judging from their shattered flesh they had died from the demolition charges that the road crew had planted.
    I would imagine Graveler do not have "flesh".

    The beam hit Dorian’s right hand with uncanny accuracy, rebounding off his Pokeflect and striking his captor in the stomach.
    I'm telling you, this entire story could be about the Pokeflect, and I'd be happy. What a wonderful toy.


    -I have to say, I'm obviously not happy that Golduck had to die, but it almost had to happen. Golduck had, to this point and ESPECIALLY in this chapter, proven to be way too powerful. Not that he shouldn't have been, but it had me thinking "What can really stand up to this thing?" So it makes sense he had to sacrifice himself. I'm guessing some of the humor is going to fade out now, at least on some scale. Dorian probably won't be so headstrong and fun-loving now that he's seen someone so close to him perish. Which is kind of a shame, but I'll see where you go from here.


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  24. #74
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    Hi! I'm new to this fic and as such have only read through chapter one, but I'm totally hooked. The Pokeflect is a nice touch, sounding like a very real invention that totally would be needed as technology increases. I like the world you've created, and I'm intrigued as to how the Granite Cave boy will connect with Dorian. I also really enjoy his Trapinch's gradual shift to evolution. It's a neat touch.
    I am not worried, Harry. I am with you.



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  25. #75
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    Okay, time to get through as much of this as I can here tonight!

    Chapter 7!

    Not only that, but Dorian could tell that most of his bones were broken from the way the fighting Pokemon’s skin sagged in places where it used to be pulled taut.
    Oof. This made me wince. Good description.

    “He’s dead Shelton,” Dorian said. “I saw, s-saw the energy discharge from his head right before the rock Pokemon hit him. He couldn’t have survived it. I mean, I saw it swallow his body.”
    Okay, I was curious as to why Golduck just...exploded earlier. Not saying that it wasn't well-written to end chapter six, but I thought the Gravelers had exploded IT. This way makes more sense; I had just misunderstood, I guess.

    Shelton backed up several paces, her hands hooking into claws. Golduck couldn't be dead! He wouldn't leave her, not like this, not ever. She drug her hands across her scalp, trying in vain to tear the thought away. She looked around, studying the scene before her. Tears came faster when she saw Machop’s body, pitching her into even more despair. His frail frame was broken, his legs bent into odd angles. She rushed forward, only to stop in place. Golduck and Machop, both of them were hurt. Shelton knew Golduck wasn’t dead; it wasn’t even something she could comprehend. She was stuck in place, unable to decide what to do. She wanted to climb out of the crater and find Golduck, but at the same time she couldn’t just leave Machop. Indecision rooted her, turned her into molasses. Time slowed, her thoughts became even more muddled. Machop or Golduck, Machop or Golduck?
    This shocked me out of the story because, to my knowledge, the narration had not previously been attached to Shelton. Yet, all of the sudden, here it was, and the reader was inside her head instead of Dorian's. I might have missed the narration being inside everyone's head earlier, but I thought it was exclusive to Dorian (except with Ethan and Alakazam were "on-screen").

    Dorian knew she was capable of a complete mental breakdown and that she was well on her way.
    Oh? What is this tasty morsel? Foreshadowing AND character development? Me likey.

    The duck Pokemon was firmly embedded in the rock wall in front of Dorian. His tongue hung limp out of his open bill, saliva dripping down to pool on the ground below. Golduck’s lifeless pupils were dilated to the extreme, speaking volumes of the inactivity behind them. As Dorian kept looking up, he saw that the small jewel in Golduck’s forehead had shattered, leaving a gaping hole. Lavender psychic energy drifted lazily out of the gap in his skull, forming a bubble above Golduck’s head.
    Oh jeez. Yeah, that's definitely dead. Eep.

    Regardless of Dorian’s intentions, the red beam continued forward, striking the sapphire avian in the sternum. Golduck’s body morphed into solid energy and returned to his Pokeball. Dorian stared at the red and ivory ball in his hand, a few tears rolling sideways off of its glossy surface.

    “What?”
    Or maybe not.


    -I'm not sure what I think about Golduck possibly being alive. In chapter 6 I thought Golduck was overpowered and that was before I realize he caused that explosion...and was able to survive it. I'm not sure at this point what could possibly threaten these two characters with this Golduck on their team (except, possibly an even more powerful psychic type, and GEE WHERE MIGHT THEY ENCOUNTER ONE OF THOSE? )

    -I like the notion of Machop's body basically forcing an evolution as a means of survival. It makes even more sense why you've chosen to display evolution the way you had previously now. Very foresightful of you. It was quite a unique desperation tactic by Machop's body, though. I wonder just how common this may or may not be. Hm.

    -You know what? I haven't missed Ethan at all. I have adored the chapters recently without him. I don't mean to say that he wasn't interesting, but it was a joy to read all the Graveler stuff without interruption.


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