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Thread: Requiem (PG-13)

  1. #151
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    Pain flashed across Dorian’s back as he connected with the stone floor below, and almost immediately afterward the wind was knocked out of him as Nuzleaf and Shelton landed on top of him.
    This scene is a bit too cartoony for me. Nuzleafs aren't small, and Shelton is at least people size. It's hard to believe that Dorian didn't crack a rib from impact. The image I have is just a bit comical to me when it shouldn't be.

    Further on, the pictures of terror morphed queerly into a cloudless blue sky, where below six robed men sat lazily yet grandiosely on thrones of black metal.
    Nothing particularly wrong with this I can point out, but I had to read it three times to get it. It was just a bit hard to follow.

    On the side that they entered a jackhammer laid on the floor next to piles of pulverized rock and buckets of sand,
    That actually should be "lay", not "laid". Lay is the past tense of lie.

    When neither of them gave an answer the man laughed softly and strode over to the far wall and began running his hands over the glittering objects placed on them. As Dorian looked closer he saw that the objects were actually precious stones of various sizes. There were diamonds the size of softballs, rubies as big as walnuts, even a few rocks he recognized as evolutionary stones. That’s what the jackhammer was for, the man was some sort of miner, and judging from the sizeable collection he had unearthed he was quite good at it.
    Having read ahead, I know where this is going, but even without doing so, I still would. It's....awfully convenient. Do we ever get an explanation for WHY the stones are there? It just seems like an AMAZING stroke of luck. A little unbelievable. If we get a story for why they are there, it's all right, but still...I'd like a reason.

    “Over time though, the treasure inspired new ideas in the six kings, and they unlocked more power in order to make sure that their lives were never threatened again. Eventually, a new rebellion grew out of the region of Orre, and in a show of their new found power, the six kings destroyed Orre and turned it into the desert we know today. One blasphemous soul escaped the destruction however and found a way to use the treasure against them. This worthless man broke the tablet of power apart and used the pieces to scatter the six kings to the wind. He destroyed their bodies and casts their souls to a different reality so that only their voices remained. The so called hero of the world took the pieces of Arceus’s treasure and a single piece of each king and placed them around the planet so the six kings might never reassemble again. That’s what I protect here, a piece of the treasure and a piece of my kings. One day soon, their chosen one will reassemble the pieces of the tablet and restore the six kings to their rightful place above you undeserving mortals.”
    Oh, so there's a whole world mythology behind this. That's kinda nifty. I would absolutely have never seen THIS coming. That's for sure.

    “I thought that you deserved to know the reason why you’re never leaving this room alive.”
    A bit supervillain-y, but overall, a powerful little line. I dig it. I wish I got to say things like that as part of my job.

    He knew as he fell down the hole that the room was unoccupied.
    ...How?

    The Scyther shot straight up at his command and hovered a few inches from the ceiling, the only thing betraying her presence being a soft buzz as her wings vibrated. Two Nidoking walked slowly through the door in front of him, followed by a person wearing a scarlet robe. Marco thought nothing, felt nothing. As with every situation he willed himself to be a spectator as his body reacted to these new stimuli and acted accordingly. He had already crossed the first ten feet before the Scyther dropped down from the ceiling and decapitated the human below. As the human’s blood sprayed across the backs of his Pokemon and they turned to see the body of their headless master, Marco powered forward, covering the remaining distance as they stared blankly in shock. As he moved, Marco saw the Scyther shoot back up out of their reach and the Nidoking turn back around to search for the only other intruder they were sure of.
    Well cave guy came and went pretty quickly. Are we going to get a backstory on him? How did he know about the kings? What was his role? How did he come to it? Why was he excavating evolutionary stones? They don't seem to have anything to do with his Marik Ishtar-like role.

    As if she was very far away, he heard Shelton muttering under her breath.
    Is she crying? Mentally detaching from the reality of their situation? If so, this is very nicely done, and it makes me feel for a character who has been very abrasive as of late.

    Not far behind this man was the embodiment of the Pokemon version of the grim reaper. The scythes and thorax of Ethan’s Scyther were painted burgundy instead of emerald, the blood leaving a dotted trail behind it as it walked.
    I think you could leave out the "pokemon version" bit. It's more striking to just refer to it as the grim reaper directly.

    Dorian turned his head to look at Shelton and found her standing completely still, following the movement of the Scyther with her eyes. The insect Pokemon noticed her gaze and stepped forward towards the bars with a large grin etched on its face. It dragged one scythe across the bars at about eye level while emitting a gurgling sound that sounded like laughter.
    That's creepy and vivid. Nice.

    which was followed a millisecond later by an unusually shrill scream of pain from the man as the said appendage was dislocated and he collapsed to the floor.
    I don't love the word "millisecond". It sounds too much like hyperbole or like we have an incredibly time-specific narrator. I think the same meaning comes across if you say "At the same instant" or "Immediately after".

    Walking quickly and ignoring Shelton’s raised eyebrows, Dorian started stuffing his pants with every diamond and precious stone that he could fit into his pockets. By the time he was finished he was about five pounds heavier and assuredly millions of credits richer. Looking up from his thievery he saw Shelton narrow her eyes at him slightly, which usually meant he was about to get screamed at for something. However, after a moment of consideration she too walked over and filled her pockets.
    I kinda figured they'd evolve Growlithe while they were here.


    -Okay, this was action-packed, and we got our first real taste of shardy backstory, but I still want some explanations, pretty much all about the cavekeeper and, well, everything about him. As it stands, he seems like a plot device, there to explain away some mystery and give Nuzleaf a Leaf Stone. I want to know who he is.

    -The fight scene was, again, excellent. As usual with you. I'm starting to take them a bit for granted, but they're all terrific.

    -I guess Shelton is going to get her Steelix after all, eh?


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  2. #152
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    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall
    I'm very intrigued about the mythology you've incorporated into the story, and with the bit about the six kings, I'm seriously wondering what are the implications of bringing these damned souls back together. I'm guessing a future of death and darkness, filled to the brim with despair and evilness.
    Very eloquently put lol. They are still a bit of an enigma to me as well, and to be honest at this point I feel like it could go either way. I'm glad you liked the mythology, and I'm definitely going to be expanding on it as time goes by so stay tuned.

    You have no idea how happy I was when Scyther was killed, I mean, great job on your part, giving us a character we could truely hate and would gladly dance on their grave if given the chance.
    Lol I gotcha. She was always kind of a lovely being for me to hate as well, though I won't say I'm exactly pleased she's gone, I feel like it felt well and she absolutely deserved it. Still, I will miss her hack and slash attitude sometimes though haha

    I couldn't help but laugh as Dorian started shoving the gems into his pockets, because it would be exactly what I'd do if I were him. Life threatening scenerio or not.
    As I was writing this chapter I almost had them leave the room without doing it, but rewrote it. I felt like that's exactly what I would do in this situation as well. They are somewhat entitled to it after what they went through too lol

    Oh, I ranked up. See? I benefit from posting here. More reason to do so more often.
    I agree!

    Thanks for reading/reviewing!

    Quote Originally Posted by diamondpearl876
    Wouldn’t that be fortunately not unfortunately?
    I think its more towards unfortunately since when the lights came on they saw the painting of destruction.

    What struck me in particular was the description during Scyther/Nuzleaf’s battle, where Dorian was about to cry over thinking his pokémon would die and such. Powerful scene. Nicely done.
    I'm glad you thought so. I remember as my wife was reading this, she stopped right before Nuzleaf evolved and swore she would stop reading the book if I killed off Nuzleaf. The edge she had to her voice made me very glad I didn't disappoint lol

    I felt that the dialogue was a little weaker this chapter for some reason, though. It mostly consisted of Dorian and Shelton insulting each other, insulting other people, or asking to be set free.
    Hmm. Can you think of any point in particular? As I was writing I felt like maybe I was being a little too narrow with their conversations, at the same time though they were thrown into a jail cell immediately so there really wasn't much time for any other sort of dialogue between them. I'll try and keep what you said in mind, thanks!

    Thanks for reading/reviewing as always!

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87
    This scene is a bit too cartoony for me. Nuzleafs aren't small, and Shelton is at least people size. It's hard to believe that Dorian didn't crack a rib from impact. The image I have is just a bit comical to me when it shouldn't be.
    Good point there, I'll try and see if I can fiddle around with it

    Do we ever get an explanation for WHY the stones are there? It just seems like an AMAZING stroke of luck. A little unbelievable. If we get a story for why they are there, it's all right, but still...I'd like a reason.
    A reason for that will be explained eventually, just keep your eyes open for iy

    Well cave guy came and went pretty quickly. Are we going to get a backstory on him? How did he know about the kings? What was his role? How did he come to it? Why was he excavating evolutionary stones?
    He too will get some more back story as well

    I kinda figured they'd evolve Growlithe while they were here.
    That didn't even cross my mind lol. Thankfully though they have enough money now they should be able to buy one without much difficulty

    -I guess Shelton is going to get her Steelix after all, eh?
    If she doesn't get crushed into a pulp first, maybe

    Thanks for reading/reviewing as always!

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the amazing banner-


  3. #153
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    I AM NOT DEAD! Just thought I'd let you know. I have read the last three chapters and things have picked up. With Marco and Scyther out of the way there is only one more obstacle for them to face. The Ethan chapter was quite a treat. I believe it's the first Ethan exclusive chapter. The interaction between him and Alakazam was perfect. I wouldn't expect less from a trainer who hasn't released his Pokemon in weeks. Excellent job on that. Description is always great, never wavering. Still gotta love Dorain and Shelton with their mishaps. I can't believe Nuzleaf evolved himself. I was quite surprised to see him change himself just to help his friends. Great chapter.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

  4. #154
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    Chapter 19



    Dorian and Shiftry threw themselves to the left as the Steelix’s glowing armored head shot downwards towards the space where they had just been standing. Fragments of pulverized rock shot out in every direction as the enraged Pokemon slammed its head into the ground. As Dorian rolled to his feet, he saw through the plume of dust that Shelton had run to the left and was jumping from boulder to boulder to get to higher ground. He and Shiftry darted forward to follow but were quickly cut off as the Steelix slammed its tail down in front of them.

    Instead of sweeping towards them as Dorian expected, the Steelix’s blackened tail started quivering spastically, eliciting a roar of pain from the iron snake. The Pokemon’s reaction flipped a light switch in Dorian’s mind and he instantly devised a solution to their predicament.

    “It’s still burned from when it battled Shuppet!” Dorian yelled to Shiftry. “Hit its tail!”

    As Shiftry sliced forward through the disturbed morning air and began to pummel the Steelix’s injured tail, Dorian released Growlithe from his pokeball. The fire mutt puffed up his chest when he saw the struggling Steelix, following the gesture with a determined bark.

    “Flamethrower it everywhere!” Dorian commanded.

    As Growlithe sped off towards where the Steelix and Shiftry we’re fighting, Dorian heard Shelton call out to him from above.

    “Throw me Spoink’s pokeball!”

    Dorian acquiesced, and a moment later the bouncing black shape of his psychic Pokemon formed next to her on the boulder. As the light from Spoink’s emergence faded away, the Steelix swung its massive head around to face Shelton. Flicking its tail, it sent Shiftry sprawling into Growlithe, who ended up spraying streams of fire everywhere as they tumbled further down the mountain. With a roar the Steelix quickly slithered forward, eyes focused directly at Shelton. As Dorian bent down to grab a rock to throw, the iron Pokemon’s head glowed brightly and swung towards her.

    “Reflect!” Shelton screamed as the Steelix’s attack reached them.

    Screaming her name, Spoink erected a glowing wall of energy as the Steelix’s head reached them. The crash its head made as it connected vibrated Dorian’s bones and sent pain racing through his eardrums. Over and over again the Steelix slammed its head against the barrier trying to get to Shelton; the wall held strong at first, but over time, glittering white cracks began to spider web across the shield of energy.

    As Dorian helplessly watched the Steelix attack, he flinched as a flash of glowing yellow light and a gout of flame suddenly struck the back of the Steelix’s head. The steel type broke off his attack and turned in time to see Growlithe and Shiftry racing forward. Shiftry disappeared in a flash of light as the Steelix roared, reappearing behind the iron type and landing a heavy blow to its neck. The Steelix crashed to the ground, giving Growlithe the opportunity to unleash a firestorm of flame directly into its face. As the flames scorched the Steelix’s face, the snake Pokemon swung its tail around and smashed it into Shiftry as he landed back on the ground. Shiftry flew sideways from the impact and crashed into a boulder with a sickening crunch.

    “Liiixxxx!” the Steelix roared.

    “Growlithe don’t stop!” Dorian yelled.

    As his fire type continued to bathe the steel Pokemon in flame, Dorian saw Shelton directing Spoink out of the corner of his eye. Before Spoink could aid Growlithe in his attack however, the Steelix rose back up to its full height and retaliated against its aggressor with a blast of blinding dragonfire. Growlithe yelped and was blown backwards into a nearby pile of rocks as the attack scorched his shaggy body. Ending the stream of flame the Steelix suddenly reared back and tunneled underground, filling the air with another wave of dust.

    “Let’s go!” Dorian commanded, rushing over to Shiftry and helping him to his feet.

    “Dorian wait, I have an idea,” Shelton called.

    She hopped down from the boulder and quickly sprinted over towards him, Spoink bouncing along behind her.

    “Shelton, it’s probably coming up underneath us right now, we need to go.”

    “Try Shiftry,” his Pokemon agreed.

    “Dorian we can’t outrun it; it’ll kill us before we get off this mountain. Just give me a second and I think we can beat it.”

    “What are you talking about? All three of them barely made a dent in it. We can’t win, we need to go!”

    “Just give me a second!” Shelton yelled as a sudden tremor in the rock reverberated beneath them. “Growlithe, come here.”

    Dorian’s Pokemon did as asked with noticeable reluctance, trotting forward with his right front paw hanging limply in the air.

    “Spoink, I’m going to have Growlithe breathe some fire and I need you to catch it before it dissipates. Can you do that?”

    Spoink bounced faster in affirmation.

    “Growlithe, aim a flamethrower up in the air.”

    The rocks around them started vibrating more violently as Growlithe took a breath and released a torrent of flame. Spoink wrapped the fire in a bubble of psychic energy as it was generated and compressed it into a glowing orb as Growlithe ended the stream.

    “Spoink, launch it down its throat when it pops back up, okay?” Shelton asked.

    Rolling its eyes in exasperation, Spoink nodded and took a flying bounce towards the boulder she had recently vacated.

    “Everyone spread out!” Shelton yelled as the rocks around them started shaking themselves free from the dirt.

    An explosion of fragmented rock preceded the Steelix as it burst out of the ground twenty feet away, shaking its armored head to and fro to clear the dust from its eyes. Dorian deflected a few chunks of rock with his arm as they rained down in torrents.

    “Hey Steelix, catch!” Shelton yelled as she drew back her arm and threw something high into the air.

    Dorian’s eyes bulged as he saw the apple sized diamond leave her hand and zoom skyward. The Steelix instantly lost all sense of anger and darted its head forward to snatch up the priceless morsel.

    “NOW!” Shelton commanded.

    As the Steelix’s jaws opened wide to devour the diamond, Spoink grunted from above them and shot the orb of concentrated flame directly into its open mouth. Bright orange streams of fire shot outwards from the Steelix’s maw as the attack exploded against the inside of its vulnerable mouth, making all five of them wince as the heat washed over them. The iron Pokemon dropped limply from its full height and hit the ground with such force that it knocked all of them off their feet.

    Picking himself up from the ground, Dorian readied himself for the Steelix to attack again, but instantly relaxed as he saw the state the iron Pokemon was in. The lower half of its jaw and first three rows of segments behind its head were singed black, and its eyes had rolled up completely so that its ocular cavities only showed a defeated whiteness. Despite suffering a probably grievous injury, the Steelix’s breathing was long and steady, a testament to its formidable strength.

    “Can we just dig a hole and live underground for a few months?” Dorian wondered aloud.

    “I’m actually pretty close to considering it,” Shelton honestly replied.

    “Try, Shiftry,” his grass type added.

    “You’ve never even used a shovel,” Dorian joked, squeezing his Pokemon’s hand. “Growlithe, Spoink, you guys did great. I appreciate it.”

    “Yes, thank you,” Shelton seconded.

    The only reply Spoink gave was to turn around the other direction and bounce slightly faster, but Growlithe trotted over and flipped onto his back ready for an assumed just reward. Dorian acquiesced and scratched his belly with both hands, nails digging deep into his shaggy fur. Growlithe’s tail wagged thankfully as he scratched, forgetting the pain in his right front paw immediately.

    “Give me your knife,” Shelton said as she approached the Steelix.

    “Why?”

    “Just give it to me.”

    Dorian handed it over without another word and watched her start fiddling with something she pulled from her pocket. Rolling his eyes, Dorian checked the status of his three Pokemon; after making sure they were no worse for wear he turned back to Shelton in time to see her drop a pokeball onto the head of the unconscious Steelix. The iron snake vanished in a flash of ruby light and spiraled into the two-tone orb. With a satisfied grin on her face, Shelton tucked the ball into her jeans and swung her torso from left to right in an attempt to crack her back.

    “You have got to be kidding me.” Dorian stated.

    “I told you I wanted it.”

    “Shelton, you’re never going to be able to train that thing. It just tried to kill us, and the next time you release it it’s going to do the same thing.
    Where the hell did you even get that pokeball?”

    “It won’t try to kill us, don’t be dramatic. And I found the pokeball from that guy that shot at us. I’m assuming it was the Scyther’s. I used your knife to take out the regulator chip so I could use it to catch it.”

    “Don’t be dramatic? Are you serious? Shelton, it LITERALLY just tried to
    kill us.”

    “It was just a little pissed, I can handle it.”

    “I’m not even remotely close to a place where I can even process this right now. Try and train it if you want, but don’t let it out within a square mile from me.”

    “Don’t be such a baby. It’ll be fine.”

    “I can’t believe you’re being so calm right now,” Dorian observed.

    “Well, after everything that just went down, I’m thinking of this as kind of a silver lining,” Shelton shrugged. “An iron, silver lining. You get it?”

    “Wow,” Dorian replied. “Don’t ever say that again. Actually, don’t even, just no. Let’s just get back to the hotel. I need a fucking drink.”

    “I’ll second that.”

    “Try!” Shiftry said for good measure.

    Gathering up the last reserves of energy they had left, they began to descend the mountain towards Phenac.


    ***********



    Marco was in pain.

    His right leg throbbed, his head screamed in pain where his gun had struck him, and he was irrevocably angry. Not only had his targets escaped him, but he was injured, his client’s Pokemon was dead, and he was bound in a jail cell. How could the situation have gone so wrong so quickly? For the love of Arceus they had been in a jail cell, they had been on a silver platter! Cursing his carelessness, Marco rolled onto his stomach and started rotating his wrists in effort to slip the coils of rope that the man and woman had bound him with.

    As Marco struggled, his eyes found the dead Scyther on the wall again, reminding him of his failure. Minutes later he was free, thankful that the people who tied him up apparently had no skill at the practice. Propping himself up into a sitting position Marco did a quick inventory of himself and the predicament he was in. His left knee was definitely dislocated judging from the pain and the unnatural direction it was pointing towards. Both his firearms were missing, along with his passport and the Scyther’s pokeball as well. Grunting with effort, Marco pulled himself through the door to the cell and crawled towards the assumed bedroom on the far side of the room.

    He found the sink near the stained mattress and gulped down several mouthfuls of water. The liquid washed away the dust coating his throat and revitalized him somewhat, albeit only for a moment. First thing he had to do was get his leg back in working order, after that he’d work on getting back to the surface. Spying a small pedestal just to his right, Marco pulled himself up and leaned against it, mentally preparing himself for the pain to come. Just as he turned his body sideways in preparation to pop his knee back into place, sudden warmth blossomed across his hands that were resting on the pedestal.

    With the tell-tale whirr of a gear, a small panel slid open from the side of the pedestal and exposed a small drawer. Marco peered inside and was suddenly bathed in a neon green glow as a small object circled the inside of the small compartment. Curious, he reached down with his index finger to corner the small sliver of whatever it was. The scream that tore from his mouth was an automatic reflex as it sprang up and drilled itself through and into his finger. The unconsciousness that followed was not intentional on his part, rather, it was the byproduct of the small green flake expanding inside his body and wrapping itself around his heart.


    ********



    The first thing he noticed was the sunlight.

    Marco knew it was impossible since he was underground, but the feeling of the rays on his skin made him distinguish what they were immediately. Opening his eyes, impossibility presented itself, a flawless blue sky. Flipping himself over and scrambling to his feet, Marco swore as a cascade of white sand crept down his back.

    He was on an island, a small island at that. The sea stretched out towards the horizon in every direction, and his only companion was the soft crash of the waves as they threw themselves at the sandy shore. Turning around in a full circle he gasped when he saw the building he had appeared next to. The tower of black stone stretched so high that he couldn’t discern where it ended; for all he knew it stretched into space. The feeling though he could understand; the longer he stared at the tower the more uneasy he felt, as if the structure exuded dread.

    Taking a step back in his confusion, Marco shook his head in disbelief once again. His left knee had completely healed. What had happened to him? How had he gotten here? The questions shot through his mind at the speed of a bullet, tearing through his rationality and logical thought processes. This wasn’t possible or even in the realm of his comprehension.

    You’re not Ethan,” a voice observed.

    No, he’s not,” another commented.

    Marcon spun around following the sound of the voices but he couldn’t find the source. They seemed to echo all around him, but not only that, he heard them with his ears and with his mind; like they were speaking into his core.

    Why is he here?” a voice asked.

    I don’t know,” another said flatly.

    He doesn’t belong here,” yet another one proclaimed.

    Marco tried to think of an argument to circumvent their conversation but the sheer ridiculousness of the situation stopped him from even forming even the simplest thought.

    Goodbye, mortal,” one of the voices said excitedly.

    Pain, all-encompassing pain blossomed from Marco’s chest, illuminating every nerve with streams of liquid fire. He frantically started slapping at his chest as his shirt and jeans caught fire, the flames shining a sickening emerald green. The fire spread quickly up his neck and across his face, his skin literally bubbling before his eyes. As much as he wanted to, Marco couldn’t summon the energy to scream and he fell to the ground writhing. As his body burned and evaporated into the air, a single question tore through his mind like a runaway train.

    Why?


    ********



    Despite Dorian’s pleas to go straight back to the hotel, Shelton insisted on finding a bank of payphones first. They had decided on the walk back to Phenac that an anonymous tip to the police about the location of the underground dwelling would be better than going to the station. Not only would heaps of questions and accusations probably follow if they did, but they were also carrying a mind-boggling amount of stolen diamonds with them. With Shiftry’s help she found one pretty quickly, and proceeded to tell the local police department that a murder had taken place below the fountain, along with the instructions on how to get back there.

    “You think it worked?” Dorian asked as she slammed the phone back down.

    “I’m not sure, but they were transferring me to a sergeant when I hung up so I think they believed me,” Shelton shrugged. “Now let’s get back to the hotel.”

    “Thank god,” Dorian moaned.

    They returned Shiftry, Growlithe, and Spoink to their pokeballs and healed them along the way at the Pokemon Center, grateful that none of their injuries needed anything more complex than a quick blast of energy from the healing machine. Forsaking their adjoining rooms, they both collapsed onto one of the beds in Shelton’s, both of their bodies aching from the last several hours of events. They both quickly found that their minds were too wired to sleep. Thoughts of the cave-dwelling man and the Nidoking, along with Ethan Bernard swirled through both their heads like cotton candy being wound around a stick.

    “You want a drink?” Dorian asked.

    “Please,” Shelton nodded.

    He retrieved two tiny bottles of whiskey from the mini-fridge and after he tossed one to her, he lit a cigarette for each of them. They smoked and imbibed in silence, both wanting to fall back into a familiar rhythm, but both of them seemed to have forgotten how. It was almost as if the situations and revelations they had just experienced had jarred them away from their usual selves. Summoning up the first thing that came to mind, Dorian spoke.

    “Well that was pretty horrible.”

    “Astute observation there, professor. I’m inclined to agree.”

    “Have any plans for what we do now?”

    “I’m not even close to being able to figure out our next move at all. I want to go home after we make sure the police find that psycho and his underground lair. After that, I don’t know. What do you think?”

    “Well, I agree with you. I was thinking we could take the shard back to the museum director back in Pewter. He could probably tell us more about it since he put Ronnie on the project,” Dorian suggested.

    “Dorian, I wasn’t saying home in Pewter, I was saying home, as in Johto,” Shelton clarified.

    “Why would we go back there?” If anything we need to get to the bottom of where Bernard is so we can track him down.”

    “All bullshit aside Dorian, you know this is too much. That raving psychotic down in that hole, that mercenary and Scyther trying to kill us; realistically you know this isn’t something we’re going to be a part of.”

    “Are you being serious right now?”

    “Do you really have to even ask that? Use your brain; this has gone on for way too long. Do you really want to get mixed up with people like that guy who took us prisoner?”

    “To be completely honest, I feel like he may have had a few good points,” Dorian lied.

    There was a long pause between them. Shelton considered what he said and lit another cigarette. After taking a long pull and blowing the smoke directly into his face, she spoke again.

    “I won’t comment on that since I know you didn’t mean it. But if you insist on going on from here, you’re doing it on your own. I’m done.”

    “You want to see what Kecleon has to say about it?” Dorian hissed.

    Shelton stood up, “That’s a fucking low blow and you know it. These people are crazy, Dorian! I can’t believe you’re even considering this after everything that happened.”

    “Look, I didn’t really mean what I said, but still. There’s more to this than you’re acting like there is,” Dorian tried to explain.

    “What do you mean?”

    “Like for instance how fast Ethan Bernard is, don’t even act like you didn’t see it because I know you did! Not only that, but if these shards weren’t actually magical or whatever the fuck they are, how did I lead us directly to it?”

    “I’ve actually been wondering about that,” Shelton said. “And to be honest I think you’re completely full of shit. I think you found notes of Ronnie’s and managed somehow to figure out where it would be. I THINK that you’re letting your anger at Ethan Bernard cloud your judgment and common sense. And because of that, YOU ALMOST GOT US FUCKING KILLED!”

    “You don’t believe me? Then fine, see for yourself,” Dorian responded, anger evident in his voice.

    Striding over to the dresser, he retrieved the shard and his dagger and pushed both of them into Shelton’s unwilling hands. She took both without question and stared him down, trying as hard as she could to seem taller than he was.

    “What do you expect me to do with this?” Shelton asked angrily.

    “Take my knife and stick it in the electrical socket. You think I’m full of shit about what happened to me? Then prove me wrong!”

    “You’ve completely lost your mind,” Shelton said, tossing both objects onto the nearby nightstand. “Get out and rethink your fucking priorities. As soon as we figure out what to do with the diamonds, I’m leaving. With, or without you.”

    Dorian wanted to say something else. A big part of him searched for something else to say that would anger her even more. After a moment of staring though, she won, and he turned on his heel and left the room, making sure to slam the door on his way out. Taking a left as he exited, he entered his room and began shoving the diamonds from his pockets into his duffel bag.

    An idea suddenly bloomed in his mind like a match dropped into a pool of gasoline. The thought actually surprised Dorian, as he wasn’t usually prone to such brilliant and drastic measures. Shelton had to understand what he did though, she had to come around to what was right. Not only that, but Dorian knew that he needed her for what was ahead. That in itself was still a mystery to him though; which was even more of a reason why he needed her. She was dangerous, and she was quick on her feet and far more intelligent than he would ever be. As much as Dorian felt like he could do this on his own, he knew he couldn’t without her.

    Taking a breath, Dorian pocketed Shiftry and Vibrava’s pokeballs and left his room to track down what he needed to make her understand. His body cried out in protest from his legs to his shoulders as he left the hotel and stepped out into the midday sun. In addition to his mind pretty much reduced to the state of a poisonous quagmire, his muscles ached and groaned with every step he took towards the bazaar. The shop he was looking for wasn’t hard to find, as it was easily the biggest and most popular store in the tent city that made up the shopping center. After about thirty seconds of searching, he found what he had come for.

    “Ready to check out?” the cashier asked, eyeing the black object in his hand.


    ********



    Dorian knocked lightly on the door to Shelton’s room, mentally reciting song lyrics in an effort to calm himself down. She probably knew it was him, as she took a full two minutes to answer the door; but she wasted no time in giving him a curled look of contempt as he passed through the threshold into her room. Kecleon and Golduck were lounging on her bed, which complicated his plan slightly, but not so much that he rethought going through with it.

    “Listen,” Dorian started. “I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you. My brain is fried from all that’s happened, and I’m not thinking clearly.”

    “Please tell me you understand what I was saying, Dorian. We can’t do this, it’s just too much.”

    “You’re completely right, here,” Dorian said as he retrieved the shard of black stone and placed it in her hands. “You hold on to this, I want it out of my head. Okay?”

    “Thanks Dorian. Listen, we should leave another tip to the police about that mercenary. We could even drop off his passport; it could help lead them to Ethan.”

    “Sounds good,” Dorian smiled.

    “I had an idea about the diamonds too,” Shelton said, turning towards her nightstand to grab a cigarette.

    As Shelton turned, right hand still clutching the ancient piece of stone, Dorian swung his arm forward and pressed the stun gun into her shoulder. The less-than-lethal weapon instantly delivered fifty thousand volts of crackling electricity into her body. Shelton dropped to the ground as the electricity streamed across her muscles and sent them into spasms. As Dorian watched, blue hairs of electrical current passed across her torso and down her right arm where they flared even brighter as they reached the shard clutched in her hand.

    Moving faster than Dorian could follow, Golduck rolled off the bed and sprang forward, pinning him against the wall with his remaining arm.

    “DUDUCK!” the water Pokemon screeched. “GOLDUCK!”

    “S-she’s fi-fine,” Dorian managed to spit out as Golduck’s webbed hand tightened around his throat.

    “DUCK!” Golduck accused, tightening his hand even more, ivory claws beginning to cut into Dorian’s neck.

    Dorian dropped the stun gun and began frantically trying to get Shiftry’s pokeball out. Suddenly though he was airborne, and crashed into the far wall as Golduck threw him across the room. The enraged Pokemon slowly stalked forward, clawed hand raised in threat. Dorian’s ears were ringing from the impact with the wall and he found it hard to try and accurately describe that Shelton was fine and would wake up any moment. As Golduck closed in, Dorian decided to screw trying to be reasonable and pulled Shiftry’s pokeball from his pocket.

    “Kecleon, kec!” Kecleon called, stopping both Dorian and the webbed avian in their tracks.

    Narrowing his eyes at Dorian one last time, Golduck turned his attention back to Shelton. Dorian peeked over to the bed to see that Kecelon was cradling her head and she seemed to be breathing normally. Little did Dorian know that that reason alone kept Golduck from resuming his attack and possibly disfiguring him.

    “She should be fine,” Dorian said as he stood up. “It only took about twenty seconds for me last time to wake up, I’m sure she’ll be the same way.”

    Almost comically on cue, Shelton sat up with a sharp intake of breath and threw the stone at the far wall. Part of Dorian’s mind thought that was slightly amusing since that was the first thing he had done upon waking up following his little mental excursion with the stone. Shelton jumped upright and began muttering to herself as she paced back and forth. Golduck tried to ask her something but she raised a hand in warning, which promptly shut him up. As Dorian watched her pace, he winced as her eyes found the stun gun he had dropped on the floor.

    Slightly shaking, Shelton looked over to him. “Dorian, did you fucking taser me?”

    “Look Shelton, I’m sorry, I just needed you to believe me.”

    Forsaking words, Shelton walked forward and spread her arms wide. Thankful that she wasn’t angry, Dorian met her in the middle of the room and leaned close to hug her.

    That was when everything went to hell.

    As Dorian closed his eyes in preparation for the loving embrace, Shelton swung upwards with her leg and kneed him in the groin. Air exploded from Dorian’s mouth as his knees went weak and he started to drop to the floor. His journey to the ground was halted however as Shelton’s same knee came upwards again and smashed into his face. Tasting blood, Dorian stumbled backwards; and through blurred vision saw Shelton drop to the ground and swing her right leg in a circle, catching both his ankles and dropping him to his back. He was sure that the first kick she gave him cracked a rib, and he hazily tried to cover his head as blow after blow descended on him.

    “Kec, Keckec!” Kecelon shouted as he jumped forward and hauled Shelton off of him.

    “Let me go!” Shelton ordered.

    “Kecleon!” the Pokemon said in reply.

    With a shriek, Shelton broke off from hitting him and began pacing again by the far wall.

    Dorian gave an involuntary moan as he tried to sit up. His torso hurt, his face hurt, and the pain in his groin brought on a wave of stomach pain that threatened to make him retch. He knew in a part of his brain that this was likely to happen after he did what he did, but the thought of it and the reality of the pain he felt were two very different things indeed. Taking a deep breath and mentally telling himself that this probably wasn’t a good idea, Dorian spoke.

    “Do you believe me now?”

    Shelton continued to pace without responding to him.

    “You saw him, didn’t you?”

    That proved to snap her out of her trance.

    Giving him a look that made Dorian think he was about to be set afire, Shelton said, “Yeah Dorian, I saw him.”

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
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  5. #155
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    As Growlithe sped off towards where the Steelix and Shiftry we’re fighting, Dorian heard Shelton call out to him from above.
    Should be “were”

    “Can we just dig a hole and live underground for a few months?” Dorian wondered aloud.

    “I’m actually pretty close to considering it,” Shelton honestly replied.
    With them being hunted and such, it may not be such a bad idea, no?

    “Don’t be dramatic? Are you serious? Shelton, it LITERALLY just tried to
    kill us.”

    “It was just a little pissed, I can handle it.”
    Awkward space in the first line.

    And lmao, I’d like to see her try to train this thing. Always makes me wonder how Jasmine, a little shy girl, could handle a powerhouse like Steelix.

    Minutes later he was free, thankful that the people who tied him up apparently had no skill at the practice.
    That’s probably for the best… though they might wanna consider getting better now… lol.

    Marcon spun around following the sound of the voices but he couldn’t find the source.
    “Marco”

    Pain, all-encompassing pain blossomed from Marco’s chest, illuminating every nerve with streams of liquid fire. He frantically started slapping at his chest as his shirt and jeans caught fire, the flames shining a sickening emerald green. The fire spread quickly up his neck and across his face, his skin literally bubbling before his eyes. As much as he wanted to, Marco couldn’t summon the energy to scream and he fell to the ground writhing. As his body burned and evaporated into the air, a single question tore through his mind like a runaway train.

    Why?
    A haunting, chilling scene. It’s karma for being involved with the business he was involved in, I suppose.

    “Why would we go back there?” If anything we need to get to the bottom of where Bernard is so we can track him down.”
    There’s a random quotation mark in the middle there.

    Suddenly though he was airborne, and crashed into the far wall as Golduck threw him across the room. The enraged Pokemon slowly stalked forward, clawed hand raised in threat.
    Well, could be worse. Golduck could be fully functional, with his psychic powers.

    A good chapter, though I felt that your description wasn’t as powerful as it usually is. There was an proper abundance of it, just wasn’t as good as it usually is. I hope to see that the description is back to its old self in the next chapter, and I’ll be eager to see how Shelton continues to respond to what she saw. Keep it up!


    | she will get the truth out of him, whatever it may be. |
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  6. #156
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    Well, I may be somewhat pressed for time, but here's my review.

    I enjoyed the Steelix battle, though I have to agree with Dorian: I just don't see the rational of capturing that behemoth. It's going to get someone killed, I'm going to be watching this piece of plot very closely.
    Also, I thought the idea of having Spoink trap the Flamethrower in a psychic bubble and shooting it into Steelix's mouth was brilliant.

    Now, I was most intrigued with the scene with Marcos. As much as I disliked his character, I had to give him some credit. Managing to break out of a cell with a gunshot wound and a dislocated knee is impressive no matter how you slice it.
    I'm somewhat disappointed that he was killed off by the beings (the four kings, technically), though it certainly illustrates how much power and influence these shards can have on an individual.
    Oh, and the fact that the shard is still there means Ethan will be arriving shortly to collect it. I assume.

    Now, I kinda expected the spat between Dorian and Shelton, though I agree that they're definitively caught up in something far beyond themselves. I would say it was good character development, but these two are already developed pretty well.

    Dorian, you little SOB. That was a risky move he pulled, teasing Shelton in the hope that it gave her the same experience it gave him. I half expected it not to work and put Dorian into even more trouble.
    I wondering if she saw the same thing Dorian did, or something else entirely. Either way, it seems to have shook her up pretty good. And now her relationship with Dorian is more strained than ever, despite him being "right" (right being in massive quotation marks).

    Well, that about sums up my review of this chapter. I hope to see another up soon, I can't wait to read more into this.

    Knightfall signing off...

  7. #157
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    As Growlithe sped off towards where the Steelix and Shiftry we’re fighting
    Accidental apostrophe.

    Despite suffering a probably grievous injury
    I'd either place probably before suffering or replace it with possible. It sounds kind of weird to me as it is now.

    “An iron, silver lining. You get it?”

    Ah ha. I get it.

    “Why would we go back there?” If anything we need to get to the bottom of where Bernard is so we can track him down.”
    Another quotation was added in the middle. Nothing big.

    Poor Dorian. I suppose he had it coming though. A nice knee to the groin is enough to drop even the biggest man. I feel for him. Decent length. I felt that it was perfect for the content it had. I'm not an expert on Orre, or even remotely versed in the region so I'll be looking to you to give me some insight. Good chapter. Keep it up. Until next time.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

  8. #158
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    As Shiftry sliced forward through the disturbed morning air and began to pummel the Steelix’s injured tail, Dorian released Growlithe from his pokeball. The fire mutt puffed up his chest when he saw the struggling Steelix, following the gesture with a determined bark.
    Should evolve Growlithe like I suggested.

    An explosion of fragmented rock preceded the Steelix as it burst out of the ground twenty feet away, shaking its armored head to and fro to clear the dust from its eyes. Dorian deflected a few chunks of rock with his arm as they rained down in torrents.
    I like the realism of the dust and rock being propelled by Steelix.

    Picking himself up from the ground, Dorian readied himself for the Steelix to attack again, but instantly relaxed as he saw the state the iron Pokemon was in. The lower half of its jaw and first three rows of segments behind its head were singed black, and its eyes had rolled up completely so that its ocular cavities only showed a defeated whiteness. Despite suffering a probably grievous injury, the Steelix’s breathing was long and steady, a testament to its formidable strength.
    "[O]cular cavities" might be a bit too wordy and impractical for the narration here. It doesn't really flow well, as it reads like someone just trying to find a fancy way of saying "eyes".

    “Try, Shiftry,” his grass type added.
    Every time you have Shifty say this, I think someone is telling Dorian to "try [using] Shiftry".

    The only reply Spoink gave was to turn around the other direction and bounce slightly faster, but Growlithe trotted over and flipped onto his back ready for an assumed just reward. Dorian acquiesced and scratched his belly with both hands, nails digging deep into his shaggy fur. Growlithe’s tail wagged thankfully as he scratched, forgetting the pain in his right front paw immediately.
    The cuteness of Growlithe here is a nice touch. Very puppy-ish. I would watch on "acquiesce". This is at least the second time you've used it this chapter, and such an irregular word can easily become repetitive when used that frequently.

    “Give me your knife,” Shelton said as she approached the Steelix.

    “Why?”

    “Just give it to me.”

    Dorian handed it over without another word and watched her start fiddling with something she pulled from her pocket. Rolling his eyes, Dorian checked the status of his three Pokemon; after making sure they were no worse for wear he turned back to Shelton in time to see her drop a pokeball onto the head of the unconscious Steelix. The iron snake vanished in a flash of ruby light and spiraled into the two-tone orb. With a satisfied grin on her face, Shelton tucked the ball into her jeans and swung her torso from left to right in an attempt to crack her back.
    I don't get/see what she needed the knife for. Hm. Maybe it's coming up.

    Anyway, there is a LOT of catching in this story. I dunno why that struck me, but it does. Didn't Dorian catch Growlithe at the very beginning of the story? And then Spoink. And they came into posession of Kecleon. Now Steelix. Oh, and Ethan caught the Salamence. Just for my own sake, let me see if I remember everyone's teams:

    Shelton: Shuppet, Machoke, Golduck, Steelix
    Dorian: Shiftry, Growlithe, Vibrava, Spoink [and kind-of Kecleon]
    Ethan: Alakazam, Scyther (but not anymore), Salamence, Rhydon.

    Am I right?

    Marco was in pain.
    Oh, Marco's back. I was thinking we were done with him for some reason.

    His left knee was definitely dislocated judging from the pain and the unnatural direction it was pointing towards.
    I don't love the wording of that. Just a hair clunky. I would think maybe "...the unnatural bending of his leg", maybe?

    With the tell-tale whirr of a gear, a small panel slid open from the side of the pedestal and exposed a small drawer. Marco peered inside and was suddenly bathed in a neon green glow as a small object circled the inside of the small compartment. Curious, he reached down with his index finger to corner the small sliver of whatever it was. The scream that tore from his mouth was an automatic reflex as it sprang up and drilled itself through and into his finger. The unconsciousness that followed was not intentional on his part, rather, it was the byproduct of the small green flake expanding inside his body and wrapping itself around his heart.
    Well that... is probably the LEAST expected thing I could have come up with. I have NO IDEA how that will play out going forward, but I have a feeling it will lead to Ethan killing Marco.

    Pain, all-encompassing pain blossomed from Marco’s chest, illuminating every nerve with streams of liquid fire. He frantically started slapping at his chest as his shirt and jeans caught fire, the flames shining a sickening emerald green. The fire spread quickly up his neck and across his face, his skin literally bubbling before his eyes. As much as he wanted to, Marco couldn’t summon the energy to scream and he fell to the ground writhing. As his body burned and evaporated into the air, a single question tore through his mind like a runaway train.

    Why?
    Well that was a quick resolution. I think. I didn't expect that, either, and it almost feels like a letdown (assuming Marco was KILLED here, which I guess I have no proof of...his physical body might be fine elsewhere). I'm not sure we learned anything (other than that the kings are loyal to Ethan and not willing to subvert just anyone... which could mean trouble for Dorian... so maybe we DID learn something?).

    The less-than-lethal weapon instantly delivered fifty thousand volts of crackling electricity into her body.
    I would just say "non-lethal".


    -So now every major character in the story is someway affected by the shards, and we've already seen how such limited contact has worked on Dorian (making him possessive of the flakes and entranced by them), so now that Shelton will probably be having the same effects, how will things move on from here? I imagine violently.

    I must admit, I hope Marco isn't DEAD-dead, because NOW I'm interested in him. I want to see how he fits into everything now that he's been "flaked", as it were.


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  9. #159
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    Thanks to everyone for the replies. Holidays have killed me so sorry for the long wait.

    Quote Originally Posted by diamondpearl867
    And lmao, I’d like to see her try to train this thing. Always makes me wonder how Jasmine, a little shy girl, could handle a powerhouse like Steelix.
    To be honest, I don't know if she's going to be able to or not.

    A haunting, chilling scene. It’s karma for being involved with the business he was involved in, I suppose.
    Hazards of the job I suppose. I'd be more inclined to feel sympathy for him if he hadn't murdered other people. Meh

    Well, could be worse. Golduck could be fully functional, with his psychic powers.
    Lol that's exactly what my buddy said. He deserved it, but I'm glad Golduck didnt have all his powers either, otherwise he could be like, "I could rip your arms off with my mind"

    A good chapter, though I felt that your description wasn’t as powerful as it usually is. There was an proper abundance of it, just wasn’t as good as it usually is.
    Thanks for bringing that to my attention. I'll try and give the next chapter a better once over in terms of visuals before I post it.

    Thanks for the review!

    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall
    Also, I thought the idea of having Spoink trap the Flamethrower in a psychic bubble and shooting it into Steelix's mouth was brilliant.
    Thanks! I've always really liked the idea of combining Pokemon attacks. It's done occasionally in the anime and I've always thought it would be something I would attempt often if this world was real

    I'm somewhat disappointed that he was killed off by the beings (the four kings, technically)
    Sometimes I am as well. I rather enjoyed writing about him but he just made too many mistakes and got in too deep. And it's actually the six kings (one from each region)

    Oh, and the fact that the shard is still there means Ethan will be arriving shortly to collect it. I assume.
    I would say that you're on the right track, though remember, Dorian and Shelton took the shard. The flake is still inside the hidden cave

    Thanks for the review sir!

    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow Lucario
    Poor Dorian. I suppose he had it coming though. A nice knee to the groin is enough to drop even the biggest man. I feel for him. Decent length. I felt that it was perfect for the content it had. I'm not an expert on Orre, or even remotely versed in the region so I'll be looking to you to give me some insight. Good chapter. Keep it up. Until next time.
    I know what you mean. It's happened to me twice accidentally, and it is by far the worst pain I've ever experienced. I'm not sure how long they'll stick around Orre, but if they do end up there for awhile, I'll make sure that you like it

    Thanks for the review!

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87
    "[O]cular cavities" might be a bit too wordy and impractical for the narration here. It doesn't really flow well, as it reads like someone just trying to find a fancy way of saying "eyes"
    You know, I thought that as I typed it. I'm not sure why I put it there to be honest, and I think that changing it to eyes is probably the best idea. Thanks for the suggestion

    I don't get/see what she needed the knife for. Hm. Maybe it's coming up
    It was to pull the regulator chip out of the Scyther's pokeball so she could catch the Steelix. I'm sure you arrived at that conclusion but since you didn't comment on it, I wanted to be sure

    Shelton: Shuppet, Machoke, Golduck, Steelix
    Dorian: Shiftry, Growlithe, Vibrava, Spoink [and kind-of Kecleon]
    Ethan: Alakazam, Scyther (but not anymore), Salamence, Rhydon.
    Pretty much spot-on with one exception. If you recall, Ethan has a Rapidash as well. Legally, Kecleon belongs to Shelton, but that doesn't really apply to their situation since he's like a second uncle to them. Anyway though, Shelton carries his Pokeball

    I imagine violently.
    But of course

    I must admit, I hope Marco isn't DEAD-dead, because NOW I'm interested in him. I want to see how he fits into everything now that he's been "flaked", as it were.
    First off, lmao at the 'flaked' term haha. Secondly, I haven't made up my mind about Marco yet. Part of me hopes he's dead, while another part hopes he isn't. It's an odd mix to be in. Guess we will both have to wait and see.

    Thanks for the review!

    Once again, thanks to all of you for your reviews and correction suggestions. I appreciate you guys taking the time as always and I'm pleased to let you all know that chapter 20 is completed. I should have it proofed and posted by tonight or tomorrow morning. I'm pretty excited about it and I hope you lot enjoy

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

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  10. #160
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    Chapter 18

    *Marco and that psychotic freak and the sadistic Scyther made this chapter something very intense. I definitely liked that, you really did a nice job of pouring some drama into things, they were all very villain-like in the sense you could really feel the antagonism within their characters.

    *Nuzleaf's evolution was simply epic, I never cared for the Shiftry family but your fic. somewhat has changed my opinion on it. I also loved the description about Shelton kissing Shiftry's nose.

    *I'm surprised how lethal Shiftry and Scyther both were, the latter subdued three people with ease and the former managed to kill Scyther. Amazing.

    *Nice innovativeness with the stones being among the jewels.

    *I enjoyed Shelton's snark comments this chapter, of course I usually enjoy Shelton's behavior XD It's not hard to tell she'll catch the Steelix next chapter given her allure toward it.


    “Dammit Nuzleaf I command you to get out of here. Get the **** out of here!” Dorian screamed again, tears beginning to pool in his eyes.
    Very emotional scene, Dorian and Shelton usually exert an aura of snark and sarcasm so it was a bit weird seeing such emotion from Dorian.
    Last edited by Doryuzu; 6th January 2013 at 1:06 PM.

  11. #161
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    Quote Originally Posted by Doryuzu
    *Marco and that psychotic freak and the sadistic Scyther made this chapter something very intense. I definitely liked that, you really did a nice job of pouring some drama into things, they were all very villain-like in the sense you could really feel the antagonism within their characters.
    Well, that's what I was trying for so I'm glad it worked out well. Thanks!

    *Nuzleaf's evolution was simply epic, I never cared for the Shiftry family but your fic. somewhat has changed my opinion on it. I also loved the description about Shelton kissing Shiftry's nose.
    Thanks again! I'm glad I was able to change your opinion. Shiftry started out being my favorite Pokemon when I started playing the Hoenn games a long time ago, but after I read up on what they're based on and how versatile they can be in battle, I was completely hooked

    I enjoyed Shelton's snark comments this chapter, of course I usually enjoy Shelton's behavior XD It's not hard to tell she'll catch the Steelix next chapter given her allure toward it.
    Well, Shelton is about 70% based off my wife, so a lot of the stuff she says in terms of wanting to verbally abuse Dorian, comes from real life. Well, maybe not 70% but pretty close haha

    Thanks for taking the time to review, I'm glad you enjoyed it

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
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    I'm going to rate this chapter (R) for violence and a disturbing image. May be overreacting but I wanted to make sure. Enjoy!


    Chapter 20



    Snowflakes melted on Ethan’s shaved head as Salamence spiraled down towards the shore of Lake Acuity. The water from the snow annoyingly streamed down his face and melted almost immediately in the unrelenting wind. Wiping his face away for the umpteenth time, Ethan tightened his grip on Salamence as the dragon touched down on the ground. Alakazam hopped off first, sinking instantly knee-deep into the snow. Ethan retrieved Salamence’s pokeball and returned the tired Pokemon to its confines while he was still straddling it. As his Pokemon vanished beneath him, Ethan dropped to the ground and landed heavily next to his psychic type.

    The water of the lake was the color of frozen iron and it languidly morphed to a light shade of black as it churned across its borders. Dotted here and there, frozen blocks of gray ice bobbed up and down like dozens of tiny islands. They failed in comparison though to the massive but crumbling structure of stone centered in the middle of the lake. The decrepit building was assuredly thousands of years old, and surely would have already crumbled to the ground if not for the centuries of ice still holding it together.

    Are we in the right spot?” Alakazam asked.

    “I believe we are,” Ethan affirmed. “The button is at the bottom. Wrap us up and start heading down, I’ll take care of the cold.”

    Nodding, Alakazam took a step closer to Ethan and closed his eyes. A moment later, a bubble of lilac energy surrounded the two of them. As the shield of energy closed completely, Ethan centered himself and drew on the energy from the flakes he carried within him. Focusing, he channeled their power to his fingertips; moments later, the psychic bubble was filled with pleasant warmth that wrapped itself tightly around them.

    Alakazam willed the sphere to rise and quickly lowered them into the water. The softly sloshing water rose around them as they sank, obscuring their vision completely as they passed below the surface. As Ethan watched Alakazam grit his teeth in concentration, the water around them suddenly adopted a bright violet tint, illuminating the area around them as they traveled downwards. The shapes of curious Pokemon flitted quickly past as they sank, though none were brave enough to come more than ten feet away.

    They reached the bottom quicker than Ethan anticipated, the energy of the bubble kicking up a small plume of sand as they settled down onto the floor of the lake. Just as the voices had told him, there was a small pedestal embedded in the rock a few feet to their right. A Seaking hovered protectively over the pedestal as Alakazam moved them closer, but retreated behind a nearby boulder as Alakazam made their bubble flare threateningly. The pedestal broke through their protective shield as they came to a halt, its surface still wet from the water it had just abandoned.

    Ethan reached out and firmly pressed the button on its surface. The button sank easily into the pedestal and a small sliver of stone closed over the button and hid it from view. As Ethan expected, a long groan echoed through the water around them and signaled that his task below the surface was complete. Nodding to Alakazam, Ethan felt a moment of vertigo as his psychic Pokemon raised them quickly to the surface. They broke through the top of the lake with a mighty splash and settled down onto the bank of the small island.

    As Alakazam released the energy surrounding them, the howling wind rushed back to meet them and they were once again bathed in an arctic chill. Before them, the stone stretched upwards fifty feet, with no noticeably discernible point of entry. After a moment though, Ethan spied a crack in the rock at about eye level that was smoother and straighter than it should have been if it had been naturally formed. He informed Alakazam of this, and waited impatiently as his Pokemon probed the crack with his mind.

    “Well?” Ethan asked.

    I feel, something,” Alakazam admitted. “It’s like a lever, or long button of some kind.

    “Go ahead.”

    With a grunt, Alakazam pushed against the object, and immediately the crack widened. It followed the line towards the ground and split again, eventually outlining the shapes of two doors in the rock. Focusing further, Alakazam focused a tendril of thought on the space behind them and pulled forward, swinging the two slabs of stone outward to expose a narrow passageway.

    “Thank you,” Ethan said.

    As the door stopped moving and Ethan began walking forward, an excitement began to creep over him. Another flake was close, and after he had absorbed it and taken the shard to which it belonged, there would be only two left. His moment with the six kings was coming, regardless of the hiccups in the plan that had arrived earlier. Though he hadn’t heard from Marco in almost twenty-four hours, Ethan had no doubt in the man’s abilities, as he had cost a small fortune and came so highly recommended.

    As he and Alakazam entered the stone structure, another thought forced itself into his consciousness. Worry for the six kings. It was odd but something he was used to. The kings had whispered to him for so many years, and when they had finally sent him on his mission, every step closer to fulfillment he got, the worse he felt. A part of himself was scared that once he was finished and they were restored that they would abandon him. He knew that he was being foolish by thinking that but a part of him still had doubt. The largest part of him however disregarded these notions and instead focused on absorbing another flake. The feeling he experienced as they entered him and the power they gave him far outstripped any emotion that he could ever experience.

    “Do you feel anything?” Ethan asked.

    No, and that’s what concerns me,” Alakazam muttered as they continued forward into the dark.

    “Light it up.”

    A small sphere of white energy expanded above Alakazam’s head as they continued forward, illuminating their immediate area. The only thing Ethan could see, even with his enhanced eyesight, was only cold grey stone. As they progressed further and further into the structure, the air seemed to grow colder, causing him to finger Rhydon’s pokeball nervously. Before he preemptively pulled the pokeball from his pocket however, the shard he was searching for appeared to him.

    Ethan guessed they were in the center of the structure based on how far they had walked. The pedestal was like the others he had encountered; undecorated and plain, with the shard resting straight up on its surface.

    Smiling, Ethan hurried forward.

    As he closed to within five feet of the pedestal, he felt his body encounter an invisible wall. As his foot came down in shock, Ethan felt the wall encompass his entire body, firmly holding him in place. For a moment he struggled, but soon realized that despite his strength, trying to get out of this hold was useless. Furious, he turned his eyes toward Alakazam, but saw that he too was motionless. Ethan’s heart picked up pace as uncertainty crashed down; if Alakazam had not halted his movements, what had?

    In answer to his question, a soft blue glow presented itself to them near the ceiling of the structure. As the ball of energy lowered itself closer to them, Ethan saw that it was perfectly round, with streaks of white rapidly circling its surface.

    Ethan, try and break free! I’ve never felt something like thi-,” Alakazam started, only to be cut off by a voice that demanded even more attention.

    Now now,” a voice spoke. “Rudeness will not be tolerated. This is my home after all, and I reserve the right to formally introduce myself.

    The voice cut through Ethan like a knife, reverberating through not only his body but his mind as well. The voice was confident and unyielding, slicing through straight to his core. As Ethan renewed trying to struggle through the hold that bound him, the circle of energy in front of him began to lose its definition.

    As the circle cleared and the being in front of them became visible, he heard Alakazam gasp. An Uxie floated purposefully above the ground, twin tails lazily swiping the air. The Pokemon’s eyes were closed but Ethan had the distinct impression that it was seeing them both down to their very essence. Declining to speak, Ethan retreated deep inside himself as the Pokemon floated before them, trying in vain to hide his thoughts from the legendary Pokemon.

    Ethan, listen,” Alakazam said quickly to his mind. “I’m going to try something. If I’m able to free us, just run, get out of here. Do you understand?

    As I said, there’s no need to be rude,” the Uxie said with a swish of its tails.

    As the psychic Pokemon’s tails traced a small circle in Alakazam’s direction, Alakazam’s body shimmered. It was almost as if Alkazam’s body was being viewed through a smooth pool of water and then had a stone thrown through it, taking him from solid view and blurring his image. A moment later, Alakazam winked out of existence and he vanished entirely. Rage filled Ethan’s mind as the Uxie turned back towards Ethan to face him, a smile etched on its small mouth.

    “What did you do to him!?” Ethan shouted.

    I sent him somewhere, well, unpleasant,” the Uxie explained. “From what I know of you, Ethan Bernard, he’s far better off.”

    “Release me, now!”

    You think yourself strong, yes? Your mind is a book to me human, and as strong as you believe yourself to be, I am stronger still.”

    Drawing on every shred of energy the flakes could give him, he resumed trying to break himself free from the Uxie’s mental hold. As hard as he tried however, he wasn’t even able to move a finger; he was firmly anchored in the creature’s grasp. As Ethan moved his eyes back upwards, he saw that the Uxie was wearing the same bemused smile.

    “What did you do to him?!” Ethan angrily repeated.

    Now there’s no need to shout,” admonished the Uxie. “If I give you control of your limbs back, I’ll need you to calm yourself while we speak. Agreed?

    Seeing no alternative, Ethan released a sigh. As the breath escaped his lips he felt the pressure surrounding his body vanish, allowing him to move his body again.

    “What do you want?”

    What do I want?” the Uxie asked, anger evident in its voice. “I WANT to dismantle you down to the atomic level. I WANT to see my family again. I WANT to not have agreed to guard this relic for the rest of eternity!

    “You couldn’t kill me.”

    That’s where you’re wrong, Ethan. I know that you draw your strength from those flakes inside you; and no matter what injury might befall you, I’m sure they would piece you back together. But what would happen if I opened your chest and tore them from your heart?

    For longer than Ethan could remember he had not feared death; but as the Uxie’s words reached his mind, he suddenly felt the creeping shadow of doubt. Could it be right? Could he die? The voices had assured him that he was immortal, yet the Uxie’s words had been spoken with such confidence. He dismissed the thought almost as quickly as it came. Ethan knew he was indestructible, and even more importantly he knew that his cause was a noble and virtuous one.

    It’s not, actually,” the Uxie commented with a swish of its tail. “Whatever cause you think you were attempting, it is over. I will not allow the six kings to subjugate this world again.”

    “Funny thing it is to speak of subjugation as you hold someone prisoner.”

    Even now you fight? Your attitude is admirable, human, but you will gain nothing from it. Your end is very near, but before I unmake you, allow me to remind you of all the evil you have done.

    Without giving him a chance to form a more compelling argument, the Uxie drifted closer through the air and came to hover mere inches from his face. The red jewel set in the Pokemon’s forehead began to glow; steadily increasing in intensity until a small beam of light lashed out and struck Ethan in the forehead.


    *******



    Alakazam opened his eyes.

    As his mind processed the rock walls rushing past him and the pillars of steam folding around his body, he correctly deduced that he was falling. Swinging his numb arms to the left, he flipped himself over as he continued to plummet. What greeted him snapped him out of his daze faster than a bullet from a gun. Screaming his name and stretching his arms wide, he was able to erect a psychic wall and stop his momentum just before he hit the bottom.

    Molten rock and bubbling lava churned across the inside of the volcano only inches from his hanging form. Shadows danced across the inner walls of the cavern as small fires rippled across the surface of the fiery lake, further accenting the danger that lay just beneath him. Pulling himself vertically upwards through the air, Alakazam wrapped the shield around his body and shot towards the faint rim of daylight at the top of the volcano.

    Faster and faster he rose through the plumes of steam and ash, until moments later he burst through the lip of the mountain and into the cloudless blue sky. A soft wind brushed his body as he hovered over the mountain, and the cerulean water of the ocean merged into a single line with the sky no matter which direction he turned. Looking down, he saw a small human town at the base of the volcano.

    Alakazam had visited this place before many years ago, and as that realization settled in, the weight of his situation crashed down on him like a pile of bricks. He was above Cinnabar Island. In Kanto. The Uxie had somehow transported him thousands of miles in an instant; a feat that he would have thought impossible.

    Which also meant that Ethan was completely unprotected and alone in Sinnoh. Uttering an involuntary growl of anger, Alakazam turned himself towards where he thought Sinnoh should be and zoomed forward. A mauve aura surrounded his body as thirty foot rooster tails shot up out of the water behind him.

    Please.”


    *******



    Ethan’s vision flickered.

    He registered sunlight but he felt no heat on his skin. Likewise did he feel no breeze, yet the trees in the field he was standing in were occasionally rocked from side to side by a powerful wind. The grass was vibrantly green, more so than he remembered. As Ethan looked on he saw his fifteen year old self sleeping not too far away; his Kadabra hunched over protectively to his right. Ethan recalled this field vividly from his youth, he had spent days sleeping here and speaking to the voices.

    A figure in a crisp black suit stumbled towards Ethan’s unconscious self, an amber bottle clutched in his right hand.

    Realization coldly made itself known as the figure approached.

    “Why did you bring me here?” Ethan demanded.

    You remember this day, yes?” the Uxie offered in return.

    “Of course I do and you know it. This is MY memory.”

    Turning his attention back to the situation about to unfold, Ethan took a breath. As the man in the black suit drew closer, Ethan saw his former self and Kadabra bolt to attention.

    “Sleeping again, are you?” the man asked. “Talking to your imaginary friends again?”

    “Father, we were just tryi-“ his younger self began to explain, before being quickly cut off as the man smashed his bottle of liquor on a nearby rock.

    As the man took a step closer, Kadabra did likewise, placing himself between Ethan and his father.

    “Return your disgusting creature to its ball before I have it put down,” Ethan’s father said with a glare.

    “He’s not disgusting.”

    “What did you say?”

    “He’s not disgusting,” Ethan said again.

    “How dare you backtalk me!” the man roared.

    As his father raised a hand to strike his younger self, Ethan turned back to the hovering Uxie.

    “Why are you doing this? Obviously you know where this goes so I’m finding it difficult to understand the point of all this is.”

    I’m curious to see what your reactions are. You’re right, I do know how this plays out, but I’m eager to see how you judge situations now as compared to the instinctual reactions you gave when the situations presented themselves.”

    “To what end?”

    This is my show, Ethan. Now watch, or I’ll start this over again. It means nothing to me to do so, I assure you. Unlike you, I have a long while to wait until my demise,” the legendary said with a grimace.

    Ethan turned back to his younger self in time to see Kadabra throw himself between him and his father. Curses were thrown, threats were made, and even though Kadabra made no attempt to injure him, Ethan’s father began punching him. His younger self screamed for him to stop hurting him, but it was no use. The drunken rage his father was in knew no bounds, and a moment later, his father had knocked Kadabra to the ground and began viciously kicking him.

    “Stop it now!” younger Ethan screamed as the beating continued.

    As his father’s foot down came down again to stomp Kadabra, Ethan watched with a macabre fascination as his younger self jumped forward and struck his father in the chest. The punch caved in his father’s chest and sent him hurdling ten feet backwards where his head struck a stone and loudly cracked his skull.

    There you have it,” the Uxie said gleefully. “Your first murder, your own father no less. How does that make you feel?

    “It doesn’t make me feel anything. He was a drunk, and a fiend. He deserved his fate.”

    I’m inclined to agree with you, what I’m trying to point out though is your blatant disregard for anyone else.

    “Are you trying to make me see the error of my ways? Because if that’s your plan it’s not going to work. These trivial memories don’t do anything to prove any sort of point.

    No, I’m not trying to make you see your errors; I can already tell that that would be a pointless endeavor. I was hoping that perhaps you would want to atone for your many transgressions.

    Gritting his teeth in anger, Ethan turned back to his younger self. He and Kadabra had carved deep ruts in the field, along with toppling a few trees to make it look like his father had been the victim of a random Pokemon attack. Minutes later they had both grabbed backpacks full of supplies and streaked off into the woods to start their new lives. So scared they had been as they trampled through the woods. With any luck, the police would assume that Ethan had been killed too, thus giving him a way to start a new life in a different region and avoid an assured prison sentence.

    This is where I feel like we can make some progress,” the Uxie laughed. “Come now.”

    Ethan felt his feet leave the ground as the words reached his mind, and soon thereafter he was following behind his younger self and Kadabra as they raced through forest after forest.

    Ethan knew what was coming next. The incident. It had troubled him in his youthful ignorance, but over time he had come to accept it as part of his larger goals. People died everyday; more than he would ever be able to appreciate or put into a rational scale. The reason he felt no empathy for the people he had murdered was actually quite simple. The goal was restoring the six kings, no matter what. Done and done. They told him long ago that he would have to change himself to do what would be necessary; and Ethan was more than willing.

    Here we are,” Uxie cooed, setting them down onto the asphalt.

    A white SUV sped by them down the narrow, lightly misted road they were standing on. Looking up towards the nearby hill, Ethan saw his younger self jump down into the road and accidentally plow straight into the side of the vehicle. Tires and his younger self screamed as the vehicle was thrown clear off the road and down a steep embankment. The crunch of metal and chrome echoed loudly through the empty road as Ethan quickly walked over to where his younger self lay in the road. His body had been broken severely, with several bones sticking out at random intervals from his legs to his shoulders.

    “Kadabraa?” the psychic pokemon asked as he pulled Ethan into his lap. “Bra, Kadabra?”

    A few minutes passed as Kadabra slowly rocked Ethan back and forth on the barren stretch of road. As Kadabra moved, tendrils of black smoke began drifting out of the holes and cuts in Ethan’s body, followed by the splintered bones in his broken frame snapping back into place of their own accord. After he had regained consciousness and ambled back to his feet, Ethan spoke quickly with Kadabra, who pointed down the far hill.

    Let’s follow them, shall we?” Uxie asked, grabbing him off the ground and pushing him along again.

    As he was forcefully dragged once again behind his younger self, a red haze began to descend across Ethan’s vision. This tiresome creature was getting his jollies putting him through this. Which was fine until he figured a way out of his predicament. The unfortunate thing though, was that he was still drawing a blank on how to rescue himself.

    Ethan saw his younger self bent down to look inside the overturned vehicle, then recoil backwards as a small and frightened voice spoke from within it.

    “Aunt Susan said don’t drop,” the voice said. “Don’t drop.”

    In an effort to appease the Uxie, Ethan bent down to look inside the vehicle. Three people were still strapped to their seatbelts inside, though the devices didn’t seem to have worked as they were obviously dead. A fourth adult had removed herself from the seatbelt and was taking her last breath as he watched, a large chunk of plastic embedded firmly in her neck. On the ceiling of the vehicle that now served as the floor, a small boy no older than three sat holding a freshly delivered newborn. The baby girl seemed completely unfazed by the situation though, and curled closer into the boy’s shoulder, body still drenched in her mother’s blood.

    “Aunt Susan said don’t drop,” the boy repeated. “She made me promise.”

    Despite Kadabra’s urging for some sort of resolution to what they had caused, Ethan saw his younger self move quickly backwards. Darting past the car, he began to run again with Kadabra following reluctantly behind.

    By my tally, we have five murders in less than four hours. Not a record I’m sure, but still pretty impressive.

    “What do you want from me?” Ethan honestly asked.

    I suppose I wanted you to actually care about what you have taken from so many people, Ethan. The six kings did what you have done, but on a global scale. Millions of human lives lost, and countless numbers of Pokemon who tried to defend them. Yet, you see fit to try and restore them to power? A power that not even we could match? I just can’t understand why you would want this.

    “And you never will. You may be an immortal Pokemon, but you are just as weak and unworthy as any human. If my kings were here they would make short work of you, and believe me, when they are restored you can bet this will be the first place we come. I will not bend my knee to you, you dull creature. If you think you have the power to match me and my kings, then show me. Otherwise, I will have no more of this.”

    Have it your way, human. I had hoped you would want to offer some semblance of remorse for your actions, but I see now that you are too far intertwined with your masters to ever experience an emotion like that again. And yes human, I do have the power to match you.”

    A psychic scream tore through Ethan’s mind as the Uxie threw its arms out wide. The world around him changed instantly. The failing sunshine and light breeze were suddenly replaced with the freezing temperatures and dark rock inside the cave of Lake Acuity. The scream reached a fever pitch and Ethan fell to his knees, unable to even think amidst the psychic torture.

    Tell your kings I said hello,” the Uxie said with absolute menace.

    A red beam of light suddenly shot from the Uxie’s forehead and tore into his chest, slicing through his layers of clothing and into his skin. As the beam pierced his sternum and struck his heart, Ethan began to scream. The pain was like nothing he had ever felt. This lance was pure fire, and when combined with the psychic screaming, it was almost more than he could bear. He tried to backpedal and get away, but he was still caught up in the Uxie’s hold.

    Ethan looked down as the pain stopped for a moment to see green light beginning to shine from the hole in his chest. The scream he let out as he saw that was not a scream of pain, but one of deep horror. As the light from his chest grew brighter, Ethan felt his body begin to twitch. It was slow at first but it got more and more pronounced as the seconds ticked past. So bad did the shaking get that his vision blurred and he couldn’t even draw the breath to continue yelling. He called out to the six kings with his mind, asking for guidance, for anything. He didn’t want to die, not when there was so much left to do for them.

    Their answer was not one he expected.

    On its own accord, his right hand broke the Uxie’s hold on him and swiped through the beam of red light. As Ethan’s hand came back down, he saw that his thumb was where it was supposed to be, but the other two pairs of fingers had merged together to create two oversized digits. His eyes and head moved without his direction, and a moment later he spoke, but the voices that came from his mouth did not belong to him.

    “Why don’t you say hello to us yourself?” the voices asked.

    The Uxie growled.

    The psychic Pokemon released a blue wave of energy towards Ethan, but the voices had already moved his body underneath it. They scrambled his form across the ground like a Spinirak, not even pausing at the far wall but rather running straight up it. The Uxie began firing a barrage of glowing grey orbs at him, but no matter how fast it shot, the attack was never able to correct. As Ethan watched his body close in on the Uxie, he began to laugh hysterically. They were here! His body was commanding their power, he was their instrument!

    The six kings launched his body sideways through the air as the Uxie disintegrated the wall they were running across. As they hit the ground they somersaulted forward, coming up beneath the hovering legendary. Before the psychic type could react, the six kings grabbed it by the throat and slammed it against the wall with all their might. Rock and ice fell from the ceiling from the impact, and the floor buckled as the Uxie cried out.

    “You are not the one to bring us down,” the voices said with Ethan’s mouth. “Our exile is soon coming to an end. It’s a pity you won’t be there to see it.”

    You won’t succeed.” the Uxie threatened. “My family will stop you.

    “No, they won’t. But we will make it our first priority to visit them for the bother you’ve caused us. Ethan, are you watching?”

    Ethan tried his best to say some sort of affirmative even though he had no control over his mouth.

    “Good. These legendary Pokemon can be tiresome to deal with, but as they were created by Arceus, not part of him, they can be separated from the power that makes them strong. Like this.”

    Reaching out with his free hand, the six kings quickly forced a hand down the Uxie’s mouth. They pushed far down into it, all the way to his elbow. As the Uxie psychically yelped and cried, the hand inside its body gripped something tightly and yanked. The Uxie’s colors suddenly became more muted and ordinary as Ethan’s hand left his body; as if it had begun to be erased.

    “You see, Ethan?” the voices asked as they opened his hand.

    A small orb of golden light rolled across his palm. It pulsed like a smoldering campfire and exuded a feeling of heat that existed on more planes than the physical and mental. After a moment, the ball of energy leapt out of Ethan’s palm and flew upwards, melting through the ceiling of rock and vanishing from sight.

    The voices turned his body back to the now limp Uxie and smiled.

    “You will all fall.”

    They tightened Ethan’s hand around the Pokemon’s small neck and quickly wrenched it to the side. A small pop echoed through the chamber as its neck broke. They threw the Pokemon roughly to the floor and began speaking again.

    “You must be more careful from now on Ethan. Until you absorb the rest of the flakes, we won’t be able to help you like this again. You’ve seen a fraction of our power here, and what you’ll possess after you release us will make sure no creature like this ever troubles you again.”

    Ethan’s body suddenly sagged towards the floor.

    “We grow weak, Ethan. This effort has taken much from us. You must go to the oasis in Orre. There is another flake there. The thieves that stole the shard in Johto have taken the one from there. Your associate failed, and the thieves escaped. We know this causes you much anger, but heed our council. Retrieve the flake from Orre, and then go find the thieves. Deal with them yourself this time. No more mistakes. We love you, Ethan.”

    With a feeling similar to falling upwards, Ethan settled back into his own skin. Looking down, he saw that his hands had morphed back into their original shape. Wasting no time, Ethan strode forward and snatched the shard from the small pedestal in the center of the room. After depositing the shard in his pocket, he placed a hand on the flat surface of the pedestal, using his body’s heat to coax the hidden drawer out. The drawer did as it was asked, and he was quickly bathed in green light as a flake presented itself from inside.

    Ethan barely noticed as the flake drilled into his skin. He started laughing as he headed towards the missing wall at the far side of the room. The thieves had stolen another shard? Marco had failed? They had no idea what was coming for them. He felt no anger anymore, just a murderous hilarity. They were both going to die, and they’re Pokemon for good measure. Just as he reached the door though, he heard a small whimper from across the room. Walking quickly, he saw that the Uxie was still holding on to life somehow. Bending down, Ethan straddled the small Pokemon.

    “It’s cold in here when you’re by yourself, isn’t it?” Ethan asked. “Oh no, there seems to be a slight kink in your neck. Let me help you with that.”

    Grabbing the Uxie around the throat, Ethan proceeded to raise the Pokemon up a few inches, then smash its head into the floor. Over and over he did so until the Pokemon’s bulbous round head had been completely flattened and the spattered blood made Ethan lose his grip. Ethan laughed, wiping his hands across the Pokemon’s lifeless face. Reaching down, Ethan hooked his fingers under the Jewel in the Pokemon’s forehead and pulled it free. Admiring the jewel in the small light provided by the missing wall, Ethan stuck the jewel to his forehead, a gurgling laugh escaping his mouth as he did so.

    Pulling himself up from the floor, Ethan tucked the small keepsake into his pocket next to the shard. Striding outside into the howling wind and thickening snow, Ethan pulled Salamence’s pokeball from his belt. The voices have ordered him to go to Orre and then track down the thieves. He had every intention of following their instructions, but he decided to do them in a different order.


    ******



    Situated in the south half of Sinnoh, on the east and west sides of the region, are two lakes. Named Lake Valor and Lake Verity, they are the counterparts to their sister lake in the north. Both had ancient caverns situated in the middle of their lakes, and were both sources of tours and folklore for locals and foreigners alike. One thing that travel books and flyers failed to mention though, was that like the sister lake in the north, both of the southern lakes had permanent tenants. These legendary lake spirits had been dormant for hundreds of years, having grown tired of the dealings of mortals outside their walls.

    Thanks to the psychic connection that all three lake guardians shared, the remaining two felt their brother’s passing. Not only that, but their connection gave them a glimpse of the being who murdered him. When the Azelf and Mesprit realized that one of their kin had been murdered by a human, a rage boiled inside them unlike anything they had ever felt before. Both Pokemon roused their bodies from centuries of sleep, communicating their shared grief over the many miles that separated them.

    They quickly and wordlessly formulated their plan, their anger washing over each other’s minds in waves. Simultaneously, both Pokemon blasted through the roofs of their stone dwellings in titanic explosions of energy. Stones the size of basketballs were reported to have landed as far away as Oreburgh City.

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the amazing banner-


  13. #163
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    May 2007
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    Ethan retrieved Salamence’s pokeball and returned the tired Pokemon to its confines while he was still straddling it. As his Pokemon vanished beneath him, Ethan dropped to the ground and landed heavily next to his psychic type.
    Not gonna lie, was hoping he’d fall and land on his butt in a comedic fashion… But I suppose that’s not Ethan’s style…

    The water of the lake was the color of frozen iron and it languidly morphed to a light shade of black as it churned across its borders. Dotted here and there, frozen blocks of gray ice bobbed up and down like dozens of tiny islands. They failed in comparison though to the massive but crumbling structure of stone centered in the middle of the lake. The decrepit building was assuredly thousands of years old, and surely would have already crumbled to the ground if not for the centuries of ice still holding it together.
    Really like this bit of description. Nicely done.
    “I feel, something,” Alakazam admitted. “It’s like a lever, or long button of some kind.”
    I feel that if you were trying to show a pause, you should put an ellipses instead of a comma.
    Focusing further, Alakazam focused a tendril of thought on the space behind them and pulled forward, swinging the two slabs of stone outward to expose a narrow passageway.
    Not really feeling the two “focusing” words so close to each other.
    “You think yourself strong, yes? Your mind is a book to me human, and as strong as you believe yourself to be, I am stronger still.”
    Uxie is easily my favorite of this legendary trio, and you present himself to be so badass and cool. I think I love you.
    “What do I want?” the Uxie asked, anger evident in its voice. “I WANT to dismantle you down to the atomic level. I WANT to see my family again. I WANT to not have agreed to guard this relic for the rest of eternity!”
    And he’s being all so emotional here. It’s so cute and heartbreaking all at once. *sobs*

    Which also meant that Ethan was completely unprotected and alone in Sinnoh. Uttering an involuntary growl of anger, Alakazam turned himself towards where he thought Sinnoh should be and zoomed forward. A mauve aura surrounded his body as thirty foot rooster tails shot up out of the water behind him.

    “Please.”
    Heartbreaking last part and scary.

    As his father’s foot down came down again to stomp Kadabra, Ethan watched with a macabre fascination as his younger self jumped forward and struck his father in the chest.
    Remove the first “down”
    “Are you trying to make me see the error of my ways? Because if that’s your plan it’s not going to work. These trivial memories don’t do anything to prove any sort of point.
    Forgot the quotation mark at the end.
    I’m also interested in the fact that Ethan was clearly abused when he was a child. Child abuse can have a lot of psychological effects on a person, obviously, which makes me wonder if what Ethan feels/believes/sees/hears is real or imaginary. I mean, Dorian experiences some stuff, too, so that kind of gives some merit to Ethan’s situation, but where is the line drawn? Am I making any sense? LOL.
    I’d also like to point out that the death scene wasn’t very suspenseful or intense like I think a death scene should be. But that also seems appropriate since Ethan doesn’t care about his father anyway. So I guess I’m trying to ask—was that intentional?
    This tiresome creature was getting his jollies putting him through this. Which was fine until he figured a way out of his predicament. The unfortunate thing though, was that he was still drawing a blank on how to rescue himself.
    “jollies” is such a cute word to use.
    “Aunt Susan said don’t drop,” the boy repeated. “She made me promise.”
    Creepy, confusing, and heartbreaking. Why are you so heartbreaking this chapter? Ugh. That’s what your rated R imagery is doing to me.
    A psychic scream tore through Ethan’s mind as the Uxie threw its arms out wide. The world around him changed instantly. The failing sunshine and light breeze were suddenly replaced with the freezing temperatures and dark rock inside the cave of Lake Acuity. The scream reached a fever pitch and Ethan fell to his knees, unable to even think amidst the psychic torture.

    “Tell your kings I said hello,” the Uxie said with absolute menace.
    Why was this written in 2013? What is wrong with you? I’d be nominating these suspenseful and heartbreaking scenes all OVER THE GODDAMN PLACE.





    They scrambled his form across the ground like a Spinirak, not even pausing at the far wall but rather running straight up it.
    “Spinarak”
    Ethan watched his body close in on the Uxie, he began to laugh hysterically. They were here! His body was commanding their power, he was their instrument!
    Another well written line. The exclamation points work very well here. Ugh.
    “You will all fall.”

    They tightened Ethan’s hand around the Pokemon’s small neck and quickly wrenched it to the side. A small pop echoed through the chamber as its neck broke. They threw the Pokemon roughly to the floor and began speaking again.
    Wow. That whole scene was intense. There goes my poor Uxie. *cries* But I suppose it was a necessary sacrifice… Why are you so good at writing? Stop that.

    Reaching down, Ethan hooked his fingers under the Jewel in the Pokemon’s forehead and pulled it free.
    Not sure why “Jewel” is capitalized here but nowhere else.
    This chapter is by far my favorite Ethan chapter. The description was well done, magical, and it made me think I was watching a movie or something, it was so clear. The dialogue was also perfect most of the time, though some of Uxie’s words sounded unnatural and forced. Still, this new development in the plot is interesting, and I’ll want to see what you have planned for it. Also wondering what Sid87 thinks about this? Harhar.


    | she will get the truth out of him, whatever it may be. |
    | letters 13/14 released 5/22/14 |


    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | COMPLETE AS OF 8/11/13 |


  14. #164
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    I'm going to rate this chapter (R) for violence and a disturbing image. May be overreacting but I wanted to make sure. Enjoy!
    This sounds right up my alley.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    The water of the lake was the color of frozen iron and it languidly morphed to a light shade of black as it churned across its borders. Dotted here and there, frozen blocks of gray ice bobbed up and down like dozens of tiny islands.
    Very nice description. Most specifically, the word "languidly". Very nice.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    Though he hadn’t heard from Marco in almost twenty-four hours, Ethan had no doubt in the man’s abilities, as he had cost a small fortune and came so highly recommended.
    He had a little mishap. And unfortunately, there is no refunds. Ever.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    Ethan, try and break free! I’ve never felt something like thi-,” Alakazam started, only to be cut off by a voice that demanded even more attention.

    Now now,” a voice spoke. “Rudeness will not be tolerated. This is my home after all, and I reserve the right to formally introduce myself.
    Ooh, what newcomer may this be? I kike their attitude.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    “What did you do to him!?” Ethan shouted.
    Hmm, is this actual emotion? Signs of caring?

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    You think yourself strong, yes? Your mind is a book to me human, and as strong as you believe yourself to be, I am stronger still.”
    I know what happens to him later on, but I like the job you did with Uxie. Something in its personality and hatred of Ethan clicked with me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    Now there’s no need to shout,” admonished the Uxie. “If I give you control of your limbs back, I’ll need you to calm yourself while we speak. Agreed?
    Seriously, I love his dialogue.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    What do I want?” the Uxie asked, anger evident in its voice. “I WANT to dismantle you down to the atomic level. I WANT to see my family again. I WANT to not have agreed to guard this relic for the rest of eternity!
    Damn, good, good stuff. "Atomic level", very well put.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    That’s where you’re wrong, Ethan. I know that you draw your strength from those flakes inside you; and no matter what injury might befall you, I’m sure they would piece you back together. But what would happen if I opened your chest and tore them from your heart?
    I'm going to end up highlighting every single line of Uxie's dialogue by the end of this...

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post

    For longer than Ethan could remember he had not feared death; but as the Uxie’s words reached his mind, he suddenly felt the creeping shadow of doubt. Could it be right? Could he die? The voices had assured him that he was immortal, yet the Uxie’s words had been spoken with such confidence. He dismissed the thought almost as quickly as it came. Ethan knew he was indestructible, and even more importantly he knew that his cause was a noble and virtuous one.
    I was hoping we'd be able to see some actual fear out of Ethan, but unfortunately we don't see much more than a split second of uncertainty from him.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    Even now you fight? Your attitude is admirable, human, but you will gain nothing from it. Your end is very near, but before I unmake you, allow me to remind you of all the evil you have done.
    No, Uxie! Finish him off! Don't get caught monologing!

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    Molten rock and bubbling lava churned across the inside of the volcano only inches from his hanging form. Shadows danced across the inner walls of the cavern as small fires rippled across the surface of the fiery lake, further accenting the danger that lay just beneath him. Pulling himself vertically upwards through the air, Alakazam wrapped the shield around his body and shot towards the faint rim of daylight at the top of the volcano.
    Well, Uxie has quite the power to be able to teleport him that far away. I also have to wonder how he and his siblings got caught up in the six kings in the first place...

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    Please.”
    I mentioned this before, but Alakazam's love for Ethan can only stretch so far. I expect that his loyalty will be pushed to the extreme in the coming chapters.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    You remember this day, yes?” the Uxie offered in return.
    Shut up and kill him.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    “Return your disgusting creature to its ball before I have it put down,” Ethan’s father said with a glare.

    “He’s not disgusting.”

    “What did you say?”

    “He’s not disgusting,” Ethan said again.

    “How dare you backtalk me!” the man roared.

    As his father raised a hand to strike his younger self, Ethan turned back to the hovering Uxie.
    As much as I hate him, you do a good job of making me feel pity for Ethan. Having an abusive parent wrecks havoc on a child's mind, and Ethan is a perfect example of that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    “To what end?”

    This is my show, Ethan. Now watch, or I’ll start this over again. It means nothing to me to do so, I assure you. Unlike you, I have a long while to wait until my demise,” the legendary said with a grimace.
    Uxie, you have just asked the universe to kill you. For a being that's lived for thousands of years, it made several fatal mistakes all in the course of ten minutes. Rather unbecoming of a legendary.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post

    Ethan turned back to his younger self in time to see Kadabra throw himself between him and his father. Curses were thrown, threats were made, and even though Kadabra made no attempt to injure him, Ethan’s father began punching him. His younger self screamed for him to stop hurting him, but it was no use. The drunken rage his father was in knew no bounds, and a moment later, his father had knocked Kadabra to the ground and began viciously kicking him.
    Alright, I cringed reading this. Very well done.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    As his father’s foot down came down again to stomp Kadabra, Ethan watched with a macabre fascination as his younger self jumped forward and struck his father in the chest. The punch caved in his father’s chest and sent him hurdling ten feet backwards where his head struck a stone and loudly cracked his skull.

    There you have it,” the Uxie said gleefully. “Your first murder, your own father no less. How does that make you feel?
    I like how you achieve the perfect balance of detail and vagueness by telling what happened to the father, but at the same time leaving out the details.

    And Uxie, you are not a therapist.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    The crunch of metal and chrome echoed loudly through the empty road as Ethan quickly walked over to where his younger self lay in the road. His body had been broken severely, with several bones sticking out at random intervals from his legs to his shoulders.
    Wow, Ethan's younger self was extremely unlucky. Just walked down a road and into a car. And, again, nice detail with the bones jutting out of his body.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    In an effort to appease the Uxie, Ethan bent down to look inside the vehicle. Three people were still strapped to their seatbelts inside, though the devices didn’t seem to have worked as they were obviously dead. A fourth adult had removed herself from the seatbelt and was taking her last breath as he watched, a large chunk of plastic embedded firmly in her neck. On the ceiling of the vehicle that now served as the floor, a small boy no older than three sat holding a freshly delivered newborn. The baby girl seemed completely unfazed by the situation though, and curled closer into the boy’s shoulder, body still drenched in her mother’s blood.

    “Aunt Susan said don’t drop,” the boy repeated. “She made me promise.”
    Wow... just... wow. That's horrible, yet I love the amount of detail you put into it. I had a hard time comprehending what just happened myself.
    You have outdone yourself, my friend. Bravo.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    I suppose I wanted you to actually care about what you have taken from so many people, Ethan. The six kings did what you have done, but on a global scale. Millions of human lives lost, and countless numbers of Pokemon who tried to defend them. Yet, you see fit to try and restore them to power? A power that not even we could match? I just can’t understand why you would want this.
    Hmm, alright, more history. I honestly cannot wait to see where this goes now that I know the true extent of the kings' power.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    On its own accord, his right hand broke the Uxie’s hold on him and swiped through the beam of red light. As Ethan’s hand came back down, he saw that his thumb was where it was supposed to be, but the other two pairs of fingers had merged together to create two oversized digits. His eyes and head moved without his direction, and a moment later he spoke, but the voices that came from his mouth did not belong to him.

    “Why don’t you say hello to us yourself?” the voices asked.
    Not done with the creepy imagery yet, are we? Not that I'm complaining, I love this.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    They were here! His body was commanding their power, he was their instrument!
    Hmm, an unseen entity is using a mortal body as a vessel to do their bidding, where have I seen this before? XD

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    Reaching out with his free hand, the six kings quickly forced a hand down the Uxie’s mouth. They pushed far down into it, all the way to his elbow. As the Uxie psychically yelped and cried, the hand inside its body gripped something tightly and yanked. The Uxie’s colors suddenly became more muted and ordinary as Ethan’s hand left his body; as if it had begun to be erased.
    .... uugghh. Very... nice.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    They tightened Ethan’s hand around the Pokemon’s small neck and quickly wrenched it to the side. A small pop echoed through the chamber as its neck broke. They threw the Pokemon roughly to the floor and began speaking again.
    It was all because you monologued, Uxie. It's your own fault.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    “We grow weak, Ethan. This effort has taken much from us. You must go to the oasis in Orre. There is another flake there. The thieves that stole the shard in Johto have taken the one from there. Your associate failed, and the thieves escaped. We know this causes you much anger, but heed our council. Retrieve the flake from Orre, and then go find the thieves. Deal with them yourself this time. No more mistakes. We love you, Ethan.”
    And now I see the outline for the next few chapters.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    Grabbing the Uxie around the throat, Ethan proceeded to raise the Pokemon up a few inches, then smash its head into the floor. Over and over he did so until the Pokemon’s bulbous round head had been completely flattened and the spattered blood made Ethan lose his grip. Ethan laughed, wiping his hands across the Pokemon’s lifeless face. Reaching down, Ethan hooked his fingers under the Jewel in the Pokemon’s forehead and pulled it free. Admiring the jewel in the small light provided by the missing wall, Ethan stuck the jewel to his forehead, a gurgling laugh escaping his mouth as he did so.
    Alright, Ethan fully deserves the "Best Human Villain" award. This scene solidifies it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    Pulling himself up from the floor, Ethan tucked the small keepsake into his pocket next to the shard. Striding outside into the howling wind and thickening snow, Ethan pulled Salamence’s pokeball from his belt. The voices have ordered him to go to Orre and then track down the thieves. He had every intention of following their instructions, but he decided to do them in a different order.
    Oh? What order is he going to follow them in? And what is he planning? Probably the murder of two more lake legends.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    They quickly and wordlessly formulated their plan, their anger washing over each other’s minds in waves. Simultaneously, both Pokemon blasted through the roofs of their stone dwellings in titanic explosions of energy. Stones the size of basketballs were reported to have landed as far away as Oreburgh City.
    Well, it looks as if Ethan is going to have a challenge killing them since they're aware of his actions and driven by revenge. Also, according to the kings, he won't have their power helping him this time.


    My God, that was an amazing chapter.All the descriptions and details, even the creepy/violent ones were done to perfection. Ethan's character got some much needed development and backstory, a fact I am very happy about.

    And, you've set the stage for the final conflict of the story (though I believe we're still a ways away, right?).

    Sidewinder, you've outdone yourself with this one.

    Knightfall signing off...

  15. #165
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    Snowflakes melted on Ethan’s shaved head as Salamence spiraled down towards the shore of Lake Acuity. The water from the snow annoyingly streamed down his face and melted almost immediately in the unrelenting wind. Wiping his face away for the umpteenth time, Ethan tightened his grip on Salamence as the dragon touched down on the ground. Alakazam hopped off first, sinking instantly knee-deep into the snow. Ethan retrieved Salamence’s pokeball and returned the tired Pokemon to its confines while he was still straddling it. As his Pokemon vanished beneath him, Ethan dropped to the ground and landed heavily next to his psychic type.
    There are only three adverbs in this passage, but two of them really caught my eye, so I'm going to go into them a bit. We'll excuse "instantly" because that's a pretty basic one and there's nothing wrong with throwing it in. But then there's "annoyingly" and "heavily". The thing with adverbs is that they aren't REALLY strong descriptors. It's kind of just a one word, blanket-level description that doesn't paint a very good picture. Not to say never to use adverbs--sometimes brevity and expediency is the key to description--but most times, it's better to take a few words to describe HOW the snow annoyed Ethan or WHAT ABOUT Ethan's landing was heavy.

    Are we in the right spot?” Alakazam asked.
    ...Has Alakazam TALK-talked before? Where did this come from? Hasn't it always been "Kazam! Alakazam!"?

    They reached the bottom quicker than Ethan anticipated,
    "quicker"... that's not actually correct there. Should be "more quickly" (adverbs! so... see? Sometimes they work) because it's describing how they reached the bottom.

    A Seaking hovered protectively over the pedestal as Alakazam moved them closer, but retreated behind a nearby boulder as Alakazam made their bubble flare threateningly.
    I am... really on this adverb thing all of a sudden. WHAT ABOUT the flare was threatening to the Seaking?

    As the door stopped moving and Ethan began walking forward, an excitement began to creep over him. Another flake was close, and after he had absorbed it and taken the shard to which it belonged, there would be only two left. His moment with the six kings was coming, regardless of the hiccups in the plan that had arrived earlier. Though he hadn’t heard from Marco in almost twenty-four hours, Ethan had no doubt in the man’s abilities, as he had cost a small fortune and came so highly recommended.
    I like... most of this paragraph, and possibly all. I'll explain. I like the description of Ethan getting "excited" because he has seemed, with the exception of rage, to be rather emotionless so far. So it's good to see him feel another sensation. And I like the use of "hiccups" because it shows how dismissive Ethan is and how little he is concerned with murder or destroying the lives of others. I'm NOT sure I like the bit about Marco because if Ethan really did have faith in Marco, he wouldn't even bother thinking about how he hadn't heard from him. UNLESS you are using this bit to show us that Ethan is deceiving us/himself through the narrator, and he doesn't ACTUALLY trust in Marco because he thinks no one is as efficient as he himself is. Then it works to show more of his ego-centric mindset.

    It was odd but something he was used to.
    He knew that he was being foolish by thinking that but a part of him still had doubt.
    Don't forget your commas before contractions.

    The only thing Ethan could see, even with his enhanced eyesight, was only cold grey stone.
    Watch the repeating of "only" there.

    An Uxie floated purposefully above the ground, twin tails lazily swiping the air.
    Is the implication here (AN Uxie) that there are multiple Uxie in the world? If so, that's fine. I know different fans have their own ideas on legendaries. Just curious.

    And I suppose the reason Alakazam "spoke" in this chapter is so Uxie can, too, and the reader can understand it?

    It’s not, actually,” the Uxie commented with a swish of its tail. “Whatever cause you think you were attempting, it is over. I will not allow the six kings to subjugate this world again.”
    Uxie sure is swishing its tail a lot. That's at least twice this chapter.

    Even now you fight? Your attitude is admirable, human, but you will gain nothing from it. Your end is very near, but before I unmake you, allow me to remind you of all the evil you have done.
    Oh, allowing the enemy to stall for time. Uxie is every Bond villain ever. Not that that's a problem in the story; it displays Uxie's vanity and certainty. But the whole "Now let me explain my plans in detail!" thing never ends well (except in Watchmen...)

    Tires and his younger self screamed as the vehicle was thrown clear off the road and down a steep embankment.
    I like that bit about the screaming. Very well-done.

    Grabbing the Uxie around the throat, Ethan proceeded to raise the Pokemon up a few inches, then smash its head into the floor. Over and over he did so until the Pokemon’s bulbous round head had been completely flattened and the spattered blood made Ethan lose his grip. Ethan laughed, wiping his hands across the Pokemon’s lifeless face. Reaching down, Ethan hooked his fingers under the Jewel in the Pokemon’s forehead and pulled it free. Admiring the jewel in the small light provided by the missing wall, Ethan stuck the jewel to his forehead, a gurgling laugh escaping his mouth as he did so.
    Well that was creepy and bloody. Good work.



    -Despite some of my criticisms, there was a lot of good stuff here. The maniacal Ethan stuff after the kings saved him was good. I thought the don't-drop-the-baby scene was sad and poignant. And I feel like, despite the appearances to the contrary, we got more of a hint that Ethan will, probably too late, have a change of heart and start feeling remorse. It seems to imply the opposite of that, but it shows that he USED to care, so he obviously can again. The flakes didn't erase his humanity--they just clouded it.

    I was still thrown by the suddenness of Alakazam speaking words. It really did feel kind of like a plot device just to explain why Uxie was speaking. But I can live with it.

    Keep it up!

    Quote Originally Posted by diamondpearl876 View Post
    Still, this new development in the plot is interesting, and I’ll want to see what you have planned for it. Also wondering what Sid87 thinks about this? Harhar.
    I think he should get his own damn legends! I'm already using these ones. Go use the Regi's or Musketeers!
    Last edited by Sid87; 14th January 2013 at 12:08 PM.


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  16. #166
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    Wiping his face away for the umpteenth time,
    Sounds painful. I'd cry if I wiped my face away.

    As his Pokemon vanished beneath him, Ethan dropped to the ground and landed heavily next to his psychic type.
    Always has to look cool. >.>

    Just as the voices had told him,
    I will please you now. THE VOICES! Sorry I had to.

    Though he hadn’t heard from Marco in almost twenty-four hours, Ethan had no doubt in the man’s abilities,
    Oh Ethan what you don't know.

    Ethan guessed they were in the center of the structure based on how far they had walked. The pedestal was like the others he had encountered; undecorated and plain, with the shard resting straight up on its surface.

    Smiling, Ethan hurried forward.
    I feel that this could be apart of the previous paragraph or even the beginning of the next. Nothing to serious. Just a different perspective.

    So scared they had been as they trampled through the woods.
    Am I the only one who thinks this sounds like Yoda?

    the attack was never able to correct.
    Connect.

    We love you, Ethan.”
    I don't know why, but this struck me as odd. I know the kings need him to come back, but I just thought at that moment it was very, well, odd.

    Admiring the jewel in the small light provided by the missing wall, Ethan stuck the jewel to his forehead, a gurgling laugh escaping his mouth as he did so.
    It's moments like this that make me love the Ethan chapters. These parts show his descent into madness. Slowly, but surely he is losing his mind. I wouldn't be surprised if by the end of it he is completely insane.

    By far my favorite Ethan chapter. He runs into a bit of a problem with getting this flake in the form of Uxie. I never really liked Uxie so good riddance. He was too hard to catch. >.> The description was lovely in this chapter. Nice length as well. Only one real error and it wasn't even major. Keep it up. I'll be waiting patiently for the next one. Even though I can't wait. DX
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

  17. #167
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    Chapter 13 Notes:

    The sweet smell of whiskey filled her nose as he crossed his arms and started staring at the floor. The smell hung on him like a stubborn rainstorm, unwilling to move along. She looked him up and down, taking in the sight of his tired eyes and unshaven face. His suit had a small amber stain near the collar and for some reason that slight imperfection annoyed her more than his demeanor. As the executor of Ronnie’s will started talking from the chair across from her she found herself trying to remove the stain with her eyes.
    There’s some really nice description here. I especially like the last sentence.

    Shelton thought for a moment. Paying off the home was the smartest option, especially when Ronnie left specific instructions that that was what he wanted. She didn’t think she’d be able to live there anymore but the potential resale value of the home would net them a healthy profit. She had no intention of selling the house anytime soon, but it didn’t hurt to plan ahead. She turned to look at Dorian to ask his opinion but he would not meet her gaze. Shelton kicked him lightly with her foot to get his attention, and he threw up both hands in mock exasperation.
    Since they’re actually in Ronnie’s house this might be a good place to put in some description of their surroundings and make them emotionally charged. It’s a place that now represents a loss, after all, and while she wouldn’t want to stay in it, there also could be some mixed feelings about getting rid of it. It might make this paragraph a bit more charged and less process-driven. There’s nothing wrong with it as it is, it just strikes me as an opportunity.

    “Wonderful, I should have the property paperwork for you to sign tomorrow morning, along with the receipt for the transfer of the remaining credits. Anyway, I was contacted by your former guardian’s attorney and he wanted me to let both of you know that another 225,000 credits would be deposited into both your accounts within the month. Apparently you were both listed as beneficiaries for his life insurance policy.”
    Mild nitpick. Lots of “both”s coming up here. I know there’s only so much you can do to switch things up, but a “the two of you” or “you two” might not be out of order, or simply removing “both” in the case where it’s unnecessary (such as the earlier: “I said that Mr. Dvakna’s checking and savings account has been divided equally between the both of your Fidelity Trust accounts here in Pewter.”)

    Shelton knew this situation was a heavy blow to Dorian’s livelihood but it didn’t give him the right to treat either of them so brashly.
    Hmm. I’m not sure if “livelihood” is the best word here. I generally think of that relating to income/employment.

    Such a good man, such a good father.
    I don’t think we need this spelled out. The paragraph this is from illustrates the point much more fluidly than this statement does.

    Shelton opened it and took in a breath; it was time. She settled down to the floor and crossed her legs, extracting a small pink sphere from the inside of her jacket. She rolled it around in her palm in an effort to shelve her thoughts and focus on the situation at hand. It was odd for her, wanting to do something so badly while at the same time scared out of her mind to follow through with it. It had been three days since Golduck had been absorbed into the hospital provided heal ball. He could be released now, and would presumably be conscious and coherent enough to function. Shelton pointed the ball to a space about three feet in front of her and pressed the release button.
    Ah! I’ve been waiting for this.

    “Duduck?” Golduck asked as he pulled back to look at her face.

    “Yeah I’m okay,” Shelton said meekly. “Ar-Are you okay?”

    “Golduck duck,” he replied with a small grin.
    *sits back* Well, that’s a relief.

    The sun was setting to his left, setting the sky ablaze with a swirl of orange and red.
    The repetition of “setting” there doesn’t really feel like a purposeful repetition. I think it might be better with a different word replacing one of them.

    People giving their condolences made it real, and though he knew it was real, it just made it harder.
    I think this is very well observed. He knows when all the numbness of this finally recedes that the pain will be almost unbearable.

    “Look, all I mean to say is that you should count yourself lucky that you actually had someone who probably gave a **** about you.”

    “Well I guess you’re right.”
    Dorian’s been wavering back and forth a bit during this conversation. First he actually wants to know what Ledian has to say instead of going the easy route and ignoring him—implying some level of interest. Then he’s glaring at the creature for patting him on the back. He’s been snappish at Garrett most of the way through and now he’s suddenly being very reasonable about a comment that I honestly expected him to respond negatively to (“Had. I had someone.” In some ways having something and then losing it is worse than never having it at all, no matter what Mr. Shakespeare says). I’m uncomfortable criticizing the consistency of Dorian’s behavior here because he is 1. Drunk and 2. Grieving, but I guess I should just say that I’m not always following his mindset and why these turns are happening (aside from the fact that it allows Garrett to share his backstory, which does cause a turn in Dorian that I can understand).

    The alternating of Dorian’s gloom-and-doom inner-monologue with Garrett relating the abuses of his past is very effective.

    “Oh yeah, he can go **** himself, wherever he is. The best day of my life was when I started challenging Gym’s with Ledian, and we haven’t lost yet.”
    Gym’s should be Gyms.

    “Not really,” Garrett laughed. “I ripped out his IV and broke his jaw.”
    I was expecting something like this, but it’s no less effective! Garrett’s coming across really vivid right now. You’re doing a good job with him.

    I find it really interesting, the subtle change in the voice of Dorian’s inner monologue and its reaction to Garrett’s story. It morphs from encouraging Dorian to wallow in his own self-pity to castigating him for that self-pity and pushing him to action.

    He still felt like his eyeballs were in a dryer
    Great description!

    “We’re going to kill him.”

    “Kill who?”

    “Ethan Bernard, we’re going to gut the bastard.”

    “Believe me Dorian, I would if I had an opportunity, but we can’t kill him.”
    *steps back* Well, I see we’re not having any conversations about the legitimacy of vigilante justice or an eye for an eye leaving the whole world blind. (at least until the next chapter)

    I think this was a very necessary chapter—to work through grief and move to action—and I think you handled it ably, particularly during Dorian’s section at the bar. The transition there really worked.

    Chapter 14 Notes:

    “Well yeah…You know I believe what happened to you, but that aside, you really think you could bring yourself to kill him?”

    “Don’t you?”

    “Of course not. What would Ronnie think?”
    I’m really glad Shelton is bringing this up because last chapter and the opening chapter here, the fact that there wasn’t pushback to the revenge-killing plan bothered me. And, much like Shelton, Dorian’s casualness was starting to worry me more than what he was suggesting.

    Another nitpick: I feel like in this scene and some scenes you’ve had in the past where you only have two people talking, there haven’t been a lot of dialogue tags. I suppose other writers might have other opinions, but I prefer not to have lines of dialogue hanging out there with nothing to attach themselves to. I like to include indicators of whose speaking—not just because it helps the reader to not get lost as to whose talking (it does) but as a place to add stage business to make sure the characters don’t become disembodied voices.

    …I’m raising my floating-dialogue problems as getting stronger as I’m going through this. There are a lot of lines that feel like they should be given some indication of tone or action to go with them, but they’re completely unmarked. I can’t see the characters in a lot of these lines and I feel like I should.

    “I’m sorry, but all I heard from all that is that you don’t care enough about what that man did to us to bother.”
    Respect for Shelton: Rising. Respect for Dorian: Lowering.

    “Seeing as how I’m the only responsible adult in this house, I’m going to Sarvine’s office to sign all the paperwork. Do try and grow up while I’m gone.”
    *cough* I wouldn’t really call “Let’s murder someone” a childish sentiment. I respect Shelton sticking to her principles, and I also understand just how hard Dorian must be to argue with in this state (though the very lucid sort of casualness I keep perceiving from him is not making me particularly understanding to his plight), but I’m not really sure Shelton is taking this as seriously as she could. She’s just lost her father figure. Now her best friend and the person she’s grown up with wants to commit a terrible crime. Just putting herself out of the conspiracy to commit murder isn’t going to be enough to spare her from pain. Will she ever be able to look at Dorian the same way again if he becomes a murderer? This is serious stuff. I would expect her to try with more desperation (and not just exasperation) to talk him off this ledge.

    “No you’re not,” a voice said in his head. “You’re doing this for you. This infantile half-plan you’ve formulated is so YOU can have revenge on Ethan Bernard. That’s it.”
    Inner-monologue, I like your style.

    she noticed that the ground below refused to crack no matter how hard she stomped.
    Great line high-five!

    Shelton smiled as Shuppet landed on her shoulder and started gabbing away. Her old house came into view, and she knew without being inside that Dorian was still fuming. Ronnie would have wanted her to patch things up with him. Shelton was beyond furious with Dorian for his willingness to take a life, but at the same time Shelton had no reservation to watching that Ethan Bernard publicly executed. She just couldn’t be a part of it though. Ronnie would have been disappointed in her. As angry as she was she knew she wasn’t capable of murder; and as much as Dorian claimed he was, she knew he wasn’t either.
    Shelton’s talk of having no qualms with Ethan being executed, but not wanting to be a party to his murder (or having Dorian do it) is interesting. Reminds me a bit of… I forget which book in the Discworld series. But it was something with the Night Watch and the idea that execution should be a grim task, done by the state out in the open—properly and without enjoyment.

    I’m not sure if she’s right or if she’s taking the easy way out by not entertaining the notion of Dorian killing someone. And I understand her being angry at him, but I’m surprised she’s not a little chilled by his behavior. I would be if someone I cared about started plotting murder.

    “Oh come on grumpy bears, I’m sorry for being mean.”

    “Well you were.”

    “Hence why I’m apologizing. Now what are you doing?”
    “I’m sorry I yelled at you when you were talking seriously about murder! Clearly I was in the wrong!” <- Sorry, but that’s a “What?” moment for me.

    “I want him dead, Shelton,” Dorian explained. “But this is justice too, I guess.”
    I’m surprised he’s changing his tune since Shelton suggested something like this before and he seemed dead-set on killing. I’m not really sure what’s changed.

    I’m going to have to be perfectly honest; I found this chapter uncomfortable. There were things I liked about it—Shelton’s backstory with the Pidgey, several of the lines. But all the sympathy I built up for Dorian in the last chapter is gone and then some. And while I appreciate Shelton arguing against him, I feel like some of her arguments came off a bit hollow. I’m glad our main characters have decided not to become murderers, but the way it’s resolved doesn’t restore any of my regard for Dorian.

    A lot of the problem could stem from the way Dorian talked about his plan. It didn’t come off as erratic or enraged or grief-stricken—it often came across logical, casual. And that made any extra consideration I might have made for him as someone who’s grieving vanish. A lot of that, I think, is the floating-dialogue problem where I can’t really see the characters or their actions, so everything comes off more clerical and matter-of-fact. But I think some of it is just the tone of the chapter. It lost a lot of the emotional weight that was handled so well in the last chapter and returned a bit to the casual, even bantering, tone of some of the other chapters. The lightness of some of the comments made by the characters was very jarring to me since the entire thing was about the possibility of murdering another human being.

    I’m not saying there’s no way to handle a revenge quest on Ethan, or even morally greying the characters, but at the end of this I don’t like Dorian and I am not rooting for him to complete his goals. Some of that seems to be purposeful (in that Dorian’s inner voice seems displeased with him too), but… I gotta say. I’m a little bummed out right now.

    So of course I can’t leave it there.

    Chapter 15:

    “Nothing really, it’s just that we’re traveling to Orre on an international manhunt to find and citizenly arrest the man who killed our uncle, and you look like you’re on your way to a party.”

    “Citizenly?” Shelton laughed.

    “It’s a word!”
    I’d laugh, but I’m still mad at you, Dorian.

    Shelton had barely moved from her original position, but was now holding two asps in front of her face in the shape of a cross. Almost three feet long when extended and made from segmented steel, her two weapons were formidable enough in unskilled hands, but much more so considering that she held two degrees in combat with them. With a snort Shelton pressed two small buttons on each of the batons, collapsing them back into themselves. She lifted the bottom of her dress and returned them to each of the thigh holsters she was wearing. She cocked her head sideways, a small grin etched on her face.
    Miiiiiiight signal a bit of trouble getting through airport security.

    He opened a beer from the inside and quaffed deeply.
    !!! You used the word quaff! Yaaaaaaaaaaay!!! (…I like certain words, okay?)

    Oh, I should probably read that in context.

    He opened a beer from the inside and quaffed deeply. The realization of what he was doing shocked him and a squirt of beer came out of his mouth as he swallowed wrong. This was Ronnie’s beer.
    I really like this moment, because it’s so genuine—the idea of the magnitude of someone’s death hitting you the hardest in these small moments where a part of you forgets and is suddenly reminded and it’s like it’s happening all over again.

    That moment and the Kecleon hugging thing (and the Shelton hugging thing) have done a little to repair a bit of my regard for Dorian.

    Dorian shrugged it away as quickly as the thought came to him. He could do this and he would, and regardless of what Shelton wanted, he was going to make sure that that bastard never saw the inside of a courtroom. Dorian knew as soon as this plan was set that he was going to kill Ethan Bernard.
    *sigh* Well, that didn’t last long. *waves goodbye to regard*

    He didn’t know when and he didn’t know how he would do it, but he would. Shelton would forgive him eventually, and if they were in a foreign country his odds of evading prosecution were stacked in his favor.
    For murder, maybe. For lying to her and making her an accessory to his crime? I’m not sure. I wouldn’t.

    Marco knew what he was. He was a Gengar, a Dusclops. He was shadow and rumor, he was a light breeze that strengthened and faded. His average height and build along with his facial features made him one of the most ordinary people anyone would ever see.
    I quite like this description—and the idea of his ordinariness being such an asset.

    The substance was a refined version of stun spore he had bought from a Unovan merchant which had been derived from a captured Vileplume. When absorbed by the skin it produced a numbing sensation similar to a foot falling asleep, but when inhaled it resulted in a full body paralysis that lasted several hours in humans.
    This is a neat idea.

    This chapter was much more even in tone than the last one was, so I enjoyed it a lot more. Marco’s bit adds intrigue and suspense which makes me much more invested in what happens next. On the other hand, I’m still not happy with Dorian and… kind of disgusted that he would bring Shelton along with him anyway even knowing how she feels about what he intends to do. …But perhaps a turn is coming and I should just shut my trap until it does.

    Chapter 16 Notes:

    With his enhanced hearing he could hear the heartbeats of all four of the men and could tell that they were all still alive. While the thought of ending them certainly had its appeal, it was the best idea to keep as many bodies away from him as possible at the moment. One in particular was causing him a lot of unwanted attention right now and it was probably best not to exacerbate the situation.
    Glad to see Ethan and his chilling inner thoughts back.

    surely someone that intelligent would be able to put apart simple ideals for the greater good.
    *holds flashlight* *drones* The greater good.

    …Sorry.

    “I know that’s how you feel, but Ethan please, see the logic of the situation. You murdered someone over your obsession. You do realize we’ll probably never be able to set foot in Kanto ever again.”
    Hmmm. Parallels to be drawn between Dorian and Ethan perhaps in the whole revenge/murder theme?

    I’m liking Alakazam in this, by the way.

    Perhaps Alakazam was more powerful than he gave him credit for, or maybe it was because he only very rarely tried to hide things from his brother in all but blood, but he still hated when Alakazam plucked things from his mind before he was able to articulate a sentence.
    I could imagine that feeling very… invasive.

    Oooh. I like that phrase. “The shadow of contempt.”

    The smell of Floaroma Town made him light headed.
    It’s enough to make a man want to cease his mysterious quest to absorb shards of power and just go berry-picking, am I right?

    …I’m not right. I’m really not right.

    The one’s who knew their place built it for us as tribute,
    Should be “ones” not “one’s.”

    Hmm. So the voices value those who “know there place.” And they’re using the carrot instead of the stick this time. Suspicion levels rising. I wonder who exactly those rebels were.

    An intriguing chapter, to be sure. Definitely one that makes me want to keep following. I also like the addition of Salamence. Dragons are rad in general, but ones that threaten to rip out the spine of the main antagonist are somehow radder.

    Ugh… I wanted to do another chapter, but I’ve still got homework to do and the night is getting older. I’m going to have to stop it here for now. I’ve already said this to you in my PM, but I really am sorry for falling out of step with this. I really want to try to catch with the story as soon as I possibly can, because then it will be much less time-consuming for me to handle one chapter at a time as they come out (because I want to give you good, solid reviews on each chapter instead of just summing things up). I hope there are no hard feelings about this.

  18. #168
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    Quote Originally Posted by Skiyomi View Post
    Another nitpick: I feel like in this scene and some scenes you’ve had in the past where you only have two people talking, there haven’t been a lot of dialogue tags. I suppose other writers might have other opinions, but I prefer not to have lines of dialogue hanging out there with nothing to attach themselves to. I like to include indicators of whose speaking—not just because it helps the reader to not get lost as to whose talking (it does) but as a place to add stage business to make sure the characters don’t become disembodied voices.
    I'm pretty sure you can blame that one on me because I'm nearly positive I'd advised him to do the exact opposite previously. I, personally, absolutely loathe an abundance of dialogue tags because I feel like it upsets the flow of conversation. I think conversation should be quick and have a snap to it as both characters go back and forth. I think adding" he said, twiddling his thumbs" and "she noted, straightening her posture" more than is absolutely necessary (or unless you REALLY need to make note of their action/tone of voice at the time to get the point across) makes the dialogue feel jerky and unnatural.

    So, yeah... we've each given him completely oppositional advice on the manner. Heh. I guess he has to choose now. Death battle!

    *holds flashlight* *drones* The greater good.

    …Sorry.
    Best movie ever.
    Last edited by Sid87; 24th January 2013 at 12:25 PM.


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  19. #169
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    Hello all

    Well, first off I'd like to apologize for not updating in so long, and more so than that, for not responding to your awesome reviews. It's been a very weird time in my life. Work, school, marriage, they've all been taking so much of my time lately. However, that's not why I've been writing or responding to anyone's reviews; or even reviewing other people's work.

    I had gotten burnt out. I would sit down with my laptop and stare at a page for hours trying to articulate what was going on in my head. It took awhile for me to realize that I had stopped treating my characters like the people they were, and started thinking of them as more of abstract stick figures that I was bending to my will. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with my last few chapters, I just feel like they could be so much more than they are. I watch their struggles and tribulations and had gotten into the habit of forcing it, which is not how it should be done. I'm not the architect of this story, they are, and I needed to get back to that point. So I shut it off. Not just my work, but with fic's in general, even one's whose authors are friends of mine.

    I needed to be an observer who listened and wrote, instead of a dictator who forced things to happen. I love my characters and the story I've created. They fill up a big portion of my day, everyday. Thankfully, this break has allowed me to get back to the point I wanted to be at, and I know this because I just wrote 5 pages in thirty minutes. I'm happy now, and my new chapter is coming along beautifully.

    Thanks to all of you still following and reading, you'll never know how much I appreciate it. Within three days I'll have some replays posted to the things you've said, and by this time next week, I'll have a new chapter out.

    For my absence as of late, I thought I might post a little snippet of the next chapter. Nothing big, just a little convo between Dorian and Shelton. It cracked my wife up lol

    -----

    "Shelton," Dorian asked.

    "What?"

    "What did the Sharpedo say to the Krabby that wouldn't share?"

    "Oh dear lord, please no," Shelton begged. "I told you what would happen if you ever told me another one of these moronic jokes."

    "Oh come on, I swear this one is good."

    "Fine, what did it say?"

    "Don't be shellfish!" Dorian cackled, doubling over in laughter.

    Shelton stalked forward with her fists clenched.

    -----

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the amazing banner-


  20. #170
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    I'm gonna limit my reply's to reviews to three for each person (with the exception of Skiyomi, since she reviewed multiple chapters at once.) Believe me, I want to tackle every point, but I have a lot of reviewing and writing to do and I'm trying to be as efficient as possible. I promise that I'll try harder next time to get to more of the points you list. And as always, thanks for reviewing!

    Quote Originally Posted by diamondpearl876
    Not gonna lie, was hoping he’d fall and land on his butt in a comedic fashion… But I suppose that’s not Ethan’s style…
    lol it sure isn't, though keep watching, he's bound to make a mistake sooner or later...I hope

    I’m also interested in the fact that Ethan was clearly abused when he was a child. Child abuse can have a lot of psychological effects on a person, obviously, which makes me wonder if what Ethan feels/believes/sees/hears is real or imaginary. I mean, Dorian experiences some stuff, too, so that kind of gives some merit to Ethan’s situation, but where is the line drawn? Am I making any sense? LO
    Making total sense actually. As the fic goes on, I'm going to try and explore Ethan's past more and more, because I really believe he's not inherently evil, but the events in his childhood (along with the six kings) laid the foundations for his present violence and erratic behavoir

    though some of Uxie’s words sounded unnatural and forced
    I'm glad you commented on that, as I thought the same thing as I was posting it. I think it was because Uie appeared instead of gradually being introduced like the rest of the characters, it was harder for me to really paint a real picture of it in my mind.

    Thanks for the review as always pair! <3

    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall
    I mentioned this before, but Alakazam's love for Ethan can only stretch so far. I expect that his loyalty will be pushed to the extreme in the coming chapters.
    I'm inclined to agree with you. However, I've always thought of love as being too fickle for it's own good. I can definitely see Alakazam getting to a breaking point, but on the other hand, I see him following Ethan to whatever end they come to.

    Hmm, alright, more history. I honestly cannot wait to see where this goes now that I know the true extent of the kings' power.
    Lol I'll tell you man, I'm looking forward to it too

    Well, it looks as if Ethan is going to have a challenge killing them since they're aware of his actions and driven by revenge. Also, according to the kings, he won't have their power helping him this time.
    A part of me things that Ethan is smart enough to heed their advice, but a bigger part of me thinks that he's going to do something reckless again (which is what I'm secretly hoping for lol). I just hope that his little experience didn't up his confidence too much, as his flaws make certain that he can still lose

    Thanks for the comments and corrections buddy!

    [QUOTE=Sid87]

    Has Alakazam TALK-talked before? Where did this come from? Hasn't it always been "Kazam! Alakazam!"?
    Yes actually, he started speaking with his mind since he yanked Ethan and Scyther out of Pewter and held them both in stasis for awhile. I've always liked the idea that psychic types could communicate with actual human language with their minds. You'll see more of it from other psychic types as the story goes on.

    Oh, allowing the enemy to stall for time. Uxie is every Bond villain ever. Not that that's a problem in the story; it displays Uxie's vanity and certainty. But the whole "Now let me explain my plans in detail!" thing never ends well (except in Watchmen...)
    That's actually exactly what I was shooting for lol. I thought that Uxie's legendary status would give it a false sense of security, which it did to lethal effects. And did you just name-drop Watchmen. Omg you're my new best friend. *High-five*

    The flakes didn't erase his humanity--they just clouded it.
    Hold on to that buddy

    I think he should get his own damn legends! I'm already using these ones. Go use the Regi's or Musketeers!
    and lmao. The Musketeers are so boring lol. The Regi's are kinda the same way. They talk in beeps and boops. So played out haha

    Thanks for your thoughts and corrections buddy, I appreciate it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow Lucario
    Sounds painful. I'd cry if I wiped my face away.
    Lol thanks for pointing that out. And you wouldn't cry, you'd take it like a man!

    I don't know why, but this struck me as odd. I know the kings need him to come back, but I just thought at that moment it was very, well, odd.
    Could you possibly elaborate further?

    I never really liked Uxie so good riddance. He was too hard to catch
    Lmao nice.

    Thanks for the review man!

    Quote Originally Posted by Skiyomi
    Since they’re actually in Ronnie’s house this might be a good place to put in some description of their surroundings and make them emotionally charged. It’s a place that now represents a loss, after all, and while she wouldn’t want to stay in it, there also could be some mixed feelings about getting rid of it. It might make this paragraph a bit more charged and less process-driven. There’s nothing wrong with it as it is, it just strikes me as an opportunity.
    I had not actually thought about that since you brought it up. I find it hard to correlate memories with surroundings like how you suggested. I've been working on taking my own experiences and doing just that, but I find myself missing chances like the one you suggested. I'll keep it in mind

    I was expecting something like this, but it’s no less effective! Garrett’s coming across really vivid right now. You’re doing a good job with him
    I'm glad you like him. I keep hoping that he'll come back for more, as he has an interesting story that I'm eager to explore

    Well, I see we’re not having any conversations about the legitimacy of vigilante justice or an eye for an eye leaving the whole world blind
    You gotta think about that though, because if that happened, there would still be one guy left at the end with one eye

    Chapter 14

    Another nitpick: I feel like in this scene and some scenes you’ve had in the past where you only have two people talking, there haven’t been a lot of dialogue tags. I suppose other writers might have other opinions, but I prefer not to have lines of dialogue hanging out there with nothing to attach themselves to. I like to include indicators of whose speaking—not just because it helps the reader to not get lost as to whose talking (it does) but as a place to add stage business to make sure the characters don’t become disembodied voices.
    That's great advice, and I appreciate you bringing it up. As Sid mentions later, I've been getting conflicting advice on the subject, and I still don't think I've found my niche with it yet. However, I'm gonna add your advice to the pile and I'm sure it will help me out. Thanks!

    Respect for Shelton: Rising. Respect for Dorian: Lowering
    Lol get used to that

    I’m not sure if she’s right or if she’s taking the easy way out by not entertaining the notion of Dorian killing someone. And I understand her being angry at him, but I’m surprised she’s not a little chilled by his behavior. I would be if someone I cared about started plotting murder.
    I think the reason behind that is because at this point she didn't really believe that he's capable of it at all. Dorian talks big a lot, but he's got a bad track record of not backing it up

    Some of that seems to be purposeful (in that Dorian’s inner voice seems displeased with him too), but… I gotta say. I’m a little bummed out right now.
    I get what you're saying, and I can appreciate it. I feel like as the chapters progress you'll gain a little more sympathy for him, or you might not. Either way, I'm glad you're responding to him

    Chapter 15

    !!! You used the word quaff! Yaaaaaaaaaaay!!! (…I like certain words, okay?)
    lol I love the word quaff too. I try and use a word every chapter that I pick randomly from the dictionary. This wasn't one of those times, but quaff should be used more regularly everywhere.

    I really like this moment, because it’s so genuine—the idea of the magnitude of someone’s death hitting you the hardest in these small moments where a part of you forgets and is suddenly reminded and it’s like it’s happening all over again.
    Thanks! I took that moment from the death's of a few members of my own family. That moment in particular came from the death of a good friend of mine who died. I did exactly what Dorian did. Grabbed a beer, took a drink, then realize that my buddy buying that was one of the last things he did. Hit me like a ton of bricks

    Chapter 16

    Hmmm. Parallels to be drawn between Dorian and Ethan perhaps in the whole revenge/murder theme?
    That's a good thought to follow, and I believe someone else brought that up too. Surprised I was able to do that, as it was actually completely inadvertent

    It’s enough to make a man want to cease his mysterious quest to absorb shards of power and just go berry-picking, am I right?
    Lmao I wish

    Dragons are rad in general, but ones that threaten to rip out the spine of the main antagonist are somehow radder.
    As this story has progressed, I'm starting to wish that Salamence actually could. Ethan is very hard for me to write, as he's very different from me, but that's the part that makes it exciting. And I'm going to have a lot of fun with Salamence

    Thanks again for the review! I'm sorry I didn't get to more of your points, but rest assured that they were well received and I really appreciate them

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87
    So, yeah... we've each given him completely oppositional advice on the manner. Heh. I guess he has to choose now. Death battle!
    Hah! Pretty much. I feel like if I take the middle of the road between yall's advice, I'll be in good shape.

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the amazing banner-


  21. #171
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    God dammit so I guess this story is dead right? I hate it when you discover a story and read through it just to get to the last update and it was posted like... 3 months ago. You had a really good thing going here man I hope you pick it up again
    >having a sig

  22. #172
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    I appreciate the support. I've been going through some family/job stuff but its behind me now. New chapter will be up tomorrow night

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the amazing banner-


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    Well, due to an accident I had as well as a job change and some family stuff, I was forced to put Requiem on hold. But now I'm back, and super jacked for what's to come. For those who have been following my story, as always I appreciate your input. And to new people checking out my story, buckle your seatbelt. BTW, this chapter is Rated R for violence and language. Enjoy!


    Chapter 21


    It took the police four days to find the crazy man’s hidey-hole. Despite anonymous tips and numerous handwritten notes from her and Dorian, the local authorities refused to send a single person to investigate. Getting desperate, they had eventually sent Golduck into the fountain during the middle of the afternoon when the square was bustling with activity. Six times he opened the trapdoor until people started to take notice. After that, the area was quickly taped off and barred from public use.

    The mercenary and the old man were hauled up in glossy black body bags while the two Nidoking had to be lifted from the hole using a small crane. From preliminary estimates reported in the paper, over three thousand pounds of diamonds and other precious stones had been discovered. Pictures of the monstrous mural were also featured in the newspaper, and several local artists had given interviews giving their take on what the painting most likely stood for. Shelton knew they were dead wrong in their interpretations but it was probably for the best that they weren’t corrected.

    “Breakfaaast,” Dorian sang as he entered the room, Shiftry following close behind.

    “Did you remember the hot sauce?” Shelton asked.

    “Seriously? Christ Shelton, I know!” Dorian exclaimed as he dropped the bag of burritos at the edge of the bed.

    “Don’t snap at me. If you didn’t forget all the time, I wouldn’t give you as much hell about it.”

    As Shelton tore into the bag, she saw Dorian giving her a look of vile contempt. Intimidating as he thought he was, the stare was even more laughable by the ring of brown and green circling his left eye.

    “How’s the eye?” Shelton said between mouthfuls of food.

    “Shut up.”

    They ate in silence, both lost in their own thoughts. Shelton had stopped being angry at Dorian yesterday. When he electrocuted her, the shard had done exactly what he had said they did. They took her from Orre and plopped her in Sinnoh, then to Unova, then finally to her own body. She had seen Ethan Bernard as well, riding a Salamence through a blinding snowstorm. From the outlines their shard showed her, Ethan had three of the shards, and from the snow covered lake it took her to, he was riding towards his fourth.

    Dorian caught her eye, his mouth full of scrambled egg and red peppers. Shelton still wasn’t completely sure why she had forgiven Dorian so quickly. She knew that part of it was because she had hurt him much worse than he had hurt her. She saw him wince every time he bent over, despite how hard he tried to hide it.

    The magic of the shard was surely another reason. Over the last couple days of experimenting with it, they were able to figure out two things. First, the psychic trip they took with them lasted eighteen seconds in real time, which translated to three seconds with each of the six shards. The trips seemed much longer when the shards were activated and they were in the odd dream state it put them in, but she attributed that to the assumption that her mind was moving faster than her perception of time.

    The second thing they had learned was that direct skin contact with the shard was required for the mental excursions it took them on. If a buffer like a shirt was used, they received a painful shock from the stun gun. The reason behind that was unclear but it didn’t matter anyway. Besides those two things, what the shard actually was and how it did what it did still eluded them.

    “You done?” Dorian asked.

    “What, you think I’m gonna eat the wrapper?” Shelton said sarcastically.

    Shiftry snickered.

    “Shut up,” Dorian replied, hastily gathering their trash. “Anyway, we need to leave in a few minutes. Our plane leaves in two hours.”

    “I know, and since when are you conducting the travel plans? I’ve never seen you be on time for anything that I didn’t make you do.”

    “I just want to get back to Pewter so we can make our next move. I want to show the director the shard, see if he can tell us any more about it.”

    “You’re not planning on showing him what it can do, are you?” Shelton asked.

    “Not unless it feels like we have to in order to get answers from him.”

    Shelton rolled her eyes.

    “Well, put another ribbon in your hair or whatever, I’ll meet you downstairs,” Dorian said, grabbing both their duffels. “Hey though.”

    “What?”

    “What did the Sharpedo say to the Krabby that wouldn’t share?”

    “Oh dear lord, please no,” Shelton began. “I told you what would happen if you ever told one of those moronic jokes again.”

    “Come on, I swear this one is good.”

    “Fine. What did it say?”

    “Don’t be shellfish!” Dorian cackled, doubling over in laughter.

    Shelton stalked forward with her fists clenched, ready to dislocate his jaw. Luckily for him though, he read her body language and darted out into the hallway, Shiftry following close behind.

    She checked the room one last time to make sure they hadn’t forgotten anything. It all looked clear so she grabbed the shard from the nightstand and placed it into her pack pocket, patting it reassuringly to make sure that it was snug.

    “Hmm,” Shelton sighed.


    **********

    It was almost a day and a half later when they landed back in Kanto. As they stepped off the plane, the moisture in the air hit Dorian like a brick wall. The clouds darkened and lightened threateningly fast, the sky confused as to whether it had the energy to storm or not. They quickly walked through the midday sun towards the kiosk marked for Pokemon owners, both eager to retrieve their friends from the confines they had been restricted to. The droll awfulness of customs followed swiftly afterward.

    Soon enough though they were meandering down the concourse, both of them eager to get back to Ronnie’s house for multiple hours of laziness. On the way down the crowded hallway, Shelton stopped, transfixed by a poster hung on the wall. The picture was of Sarah Ball, arguably the most famous trainer in the world. By no means for her prowess in battle or for any sort of accomplishment, but rather for what she possessed.

    Standing against a billowing background of flame, eyes cast towards the heavens, the international celebrity was accompanied as always with her shiny Vaporeon. Sarah Ball, the woman who actually captured a shiny Pokemon and proved the biological skeptics wrong. She was attractive looking enough, with her average height and build, along with wavy chestnut hair and a grin that stretched ear to ear. The Vaporeon mimicked the expression of its owner. A wide smile only shadowed by the soft sparkling glow of its shimmering body. Below their posing forms was a list of tour dates for Sinnoh.

    “Can you even imagine?” Shelton cooed.

    “I’d sell it,” Dorian answered, shooing her on. “People would pay anything for it.”

    After making their way outside to Ronnie’s motorcycle, they draped their duffels over the saddlebags and prepared to make the journey back to Pewter. Just as they mounted the bike, two figures on a neon red street bike pulled up next to them to park. Dorian glanced sideways in time to see Garrett remove his helmet and run a hand through his shaggy hair. Before Dorian could decide whether to speak to him or not, Garrett took the decision away from him.

    “Dorian?”

    “Yup. What’s up man?”

    “Not much buddy,” Garrett said as he hopped off the bike and extended his hand. “Who’s this?”

    Dorian gave him a firm handshake and gestured towards Shelton. “This is my sister, Shelton.”

    Garrett shook her hand as well; cordial hello’s exchanged as they did so. As the passenger hopped off the bike and removed their helmet, Dorian’s heart stopped. Brown hair cascading down her frame, with the smile that all the photographer’s loved, was Sarah fucking Ball. Dorian heard Shelton gasp mid-sentence, and saw her wince as she shook the celebrity’s hand. The woman turned towards Dorian then, extending a hand and speaking words that Dorian had trouble understanding.

    “What?” Dorian queried.

    “I said it’s nice to meet you,” Sarah laughed loudly.

    “Same to you,” Dorian managed.

    “Hahaha!” she replied, shaking her head to and fro.

    “What are you guys up to?” Garrett asked.

    “Just got back from Orre,” Dorian explained, attempting to take his eyes off the celebrity but not quite being able to do so.

    “What were you doing there?”

    “Vacationing for a bit,” Shelton explained. “We stayed in Phenac City for a few days.”

    “I was in Phenac a few months ago,” Sarah commented.

    Sarah followed her sentence with another wild laugh that echoed through the parking garage, spastically shaking her head back and forth. Very mad scientist esque.

    “How do you guys know each other?” Dorian asked.

    “When did we meet, baby?” Sarah wondered. “Oh yeah, at the airport in Mossdeep, right?”

    “Hah, yeah that’s right,” Garrett agreed. “God I was drunk, I threw up on your shoes.”

    Shelton giggled.

    “I’m sure it was really politely done,” Dorian suggested.

    “Agreed,” Garrett laughed.

    All four of them suddenly found them at a loss as to what to say next. To Dorian it was awkward, almost felt like going to a fancy dinner party and not knowing what fork to use. Thankfully though, Sarah broke the silence.

    “Well, it was nice to meet you guys,” she said, pumping both of their hands enthusiastically.

    “Me same too!” Shelton managed. “I mean, we literally just saw a poster of you in the airport.”

    “Hah, I didn’t know my PR team had gotten around to Kanto yet. It’s terribly over the top.”

    “Oh come on,” Garrett piped in. “You know you love the attention.”

    “Haha, I do actually,” Sarah responded, pinching him in the ribs.

    “Ms. Ball?” two voices asked from behind them.

    Dorian turned and saw two eerily identical men, both dressed in crisp black suits and matching ties. They wore mirrored sunglasses and had muscles that bulged to the point of exploding. Both of them spoke quietly into microphones mounted in their cufflinks simultaneously, then puffed up their chests and looked at Sarah expectantly.

    “Guess this is me,” Sarah said with a giggle. “I’ll call you when I land?”

    “That’s fine baby, just be careful out there. It would be pretty inconvenient if I had to fly all the way to Sinnoh to kick some ass.” Garrett nodded.

    “I’ll be fine,” Sarah assured him, nodding her head at her escorts.

    “Alright,” Garrett acquiesced, kissing her cheek.

    “It was really cool meeting you guys,” Sarah said as she turned to them.

    Dorian responded in kind, and he heard Shelton mutter something that sounded like ‘mah’, and after a farewell smile, Sarah Ball trotted off down the concourse followed closely by the twin mounds of muscle. A visible period of silence passed between Dorian, Shelton, and Garrett as all three of them tried to talk about what just happened without actually talking about it.

    “Really?” Dorian managed.

    “Yeah,” Garrett responded, laughing heartily.

    “Oh my god,” Shelton moaned.

    “Keep it in your pants,” Dorian snapped.

    “You’re looking livelier than the last time I saw you buddy,” Garrett observed.

    “I’m feeling better now. Got a plan now.”

    “Ya’ll heading back to Pewter?”

    “Yup.”

    “I’ll tell you what then. Ya’ll jump on the bicycle and race me back. If you manage to beat me, I’ll buy you a beer. Sound good?”

    “You’re on, asshole,” Dorian grinned.

    Shelton rolled her eyes.

    Dorian mounted the bike and it fired up with a throaty purr. As Garrett started his own and screeched out of the terminal, Shelton slid onto the bike behind Dorian.

    “Can you at least try and make sure we get there in one piece?”

    Dorian answered by gunning the engine and shooting them through the narrow corridor. Shelton gripped him tighter as they rocketed past the security station, skipping paying the hefty parking fee that was owed. The interstate that connected Cerulean and Pewter City ran right alongside the airport, and after swinging past a few cars along the right side, Dorian quickly caught up to Garrett.

    The two of them fooled around at first, leisurely weaving through lanes of traffic and honking cars. After the fun of that wore off they sped up, trying to outmatch the other. Garrett’s bike was easily the victor, having far more power than Ronnie’s cruiser, but Garrett baited him by not going as fast as he could. As brilliant emerald fields opened up on either side of the interstate, Garrett pulled ahead, his laugh echoing between the speeding cars. As he turned back to give Dorian a quick glance, his mouth dropped open in silent terror.

    Dorian didn’t know whether it was precognition or Garrett’s face, but he quickly shifted the motorcycle to the right and dropped it into fourth, narrowly missing an explosion of blue energy that enveloped the spot that he and Shelton had just been occupying. An earth shattering roar of anger split the world and momentarily deafened Dorian, making him loosen his handle on the bike. Shelton gripped him tighter and he quickly swiveled his head backwards.

    There, astride a monstrous Salamence, sat Ethan Bernard. The man had lost his long brown locks since the last time Dorian had seen him, but the look he wore like a trophy was just the same; unbridled, unforgiving rage. Whatever command he screamed to his Salamence was lost in the howling wind and screeching of brakes all around, but with no Pokemon to help him, Dorian took it as a cue to accelerate. The Salamence was flying low and quickly at that, and soon enough Dorian had caught up to Garrett, though the Salamence was keeping pace no more than fifty feet behind them.

    “It’s Ethan!” Shelton screeched.

    “No shit!” Dorian yelled in return, barely missing a car that had swerved into his lane.

    Garrett looked over and opened his mouth, only to be cut off as the car Dorian had just avoided exploded in a holocaust of dragon fire. Bits of twisted metal and melted glass rained down all around them, blending with the sound of screaming like a symphony of destruction. Dorian bent the throttle back as far as it could go, the engine of the motorcycle screaming in protest as it was put to the limit. Garrett kept place to his right, the sport bike weaving in and out of moving cars with a high-pitched whine. They were moving so quickly now that the road on either side faded to blurs of green and grey, their only focus the road ahead and the multitudes of car in their way.

    “Get Vibrava out of my pocket!” Dorian ordered.

    A quick flash later Vibrava materialized next to them, spiraling wildly as he fought for flight against the rushing wind. Seeing Dorian’s action, Garrett released his Ledian. The two Pokemon flew side by side for a moment before they both dropped back towards the Salamence without command. More explosions of light soon followed, casting unnatural shadows across the road. All three of them tried to yell commands, but the effort was useless as they couldn’t do that as well as focus on not crashing into the cars ahead.

    Garrett glided closer to him and shouted as another explosion lit up the road, “What the fuck!?”

    “He’s trying to kill us!” Dorian retorted, stealing a glance into the mirror.

    The Salamence and their Pokemon we’re trading pot shots at one another, but the attacks seemed to have no effect on the dragon. What attacks did connect seemed to just annoy the Salamence, whereas every attack it threw back in return made their Pokemon retreat in defense. As Dorian watched, Vibrava flipped upside down as it flew, twisting around and breathing dragon fire against Ledian’s silver wind attack, transforming Ledian’s pale white energy rays into streaks of purple and crimson. The attack struck the Salamence square in the chest, eliciting a roar of pain. In return, the dragon Pokemon lashed out with another blue torrent of energy.

    Dorian screamed in frustration as the attack enveloped his Vibrava and smashed him against a moving car. The vehicle slid sideways as Vibrava collided, sending it rolling into a ditch. Before Dorian could screech on the brakes however, the half blackened form of his dragon buzzed out of the mangle of metal, shooting high into the sky to gain altitude above the Salamence. Dorian cursed as he almost sideswiped another car, gunning the throttle and sending them hurtling down the road in excess of a hundred miles an hour.

    He looked back again as the path ahead cleared in time to see Garrett’s Ledian rush the Salamence. In a display of utmost courage, the bug-type slid across the roof of a speeding car and struck the Salamence in the jaw. The Salamence responded by clamping it’s fangs onto the diminutive bug and throwing it backwards. Ethan caught Ledian as it tumbled and wrapped an arm around his neck. Dorian knew it was impossible that he heard it, but for some reason his mind registered a crunching sound as Ethan viciously twisted the Pokemon’s neck to the side, killing him. Ethan’s mouth opened in a soundless laugh and threw the Ledian into the road, sending it tumbling across the pavement.

    As Dorian turned back to the road, time slowed. He registered Shelton’s hot breath on the back of his neck, the vibration of the bike beneath him, the sound waves of Garrett’s scream against his ears, but the motion of movement had almost been frozen. Dorian was aware of the car ahead of him spastically switching lanes, he felt his foot stomp the brake, he felt the impact as the bike crashed into the car, and he felt his body leave the bike and pass sideways over the bridge they had been traveling on.

    “Dorian?” Shelton’s voice questioned softly, her voice sounding so far away as they were flung through the air.

    Dorian tried to formulate some explanation for this pseudo purgatory of slowness they were in, but the thought vanished as his body was slammed into the river below. The impact of the water sent waves of pain against his skin, and the water he breathed in sent his stomach into convulsions. Every breath he took felt like someone was stomping on his chest. The pain was short-lived though as Vibrava lifted him from the water. Dorian was suddenly dropped to the ground beside Shelton who was likewise gasping for air.

    “Get up! He’s coming!” Dorian yelled, rolling to his stomach.

    Dorian stumbled as another wave of pain wracked his body, almost sending him back to the ground. Shelton was up a millisecond later and leaned against him. Dorian pulled Shiftry’s pokeball from his pocket and released him as Vibrava landed beside them. The realization of his mistake though was immediately apparent as the black and purple Spoink formed in front of them. For once, Dorian’s error proved to work in their favor; for just as Spoink looked up, a shadow fell across their group. She had just enough time to throw up a barrier of energy as the Salamence dropped downwards, bouncing it sideways and into the flower spotted field to their right. Ethan dismounted his Pokemon and glared at them with menace, forcing another roar of challenge from his dragon.

    “Dorian?” Shelton asked, her voice quivering.

    “You tell them what to do,” Dorian muttered, releasing Shiftry and Growlithe. “I’m done with this.”

    Mirrored flashes of white light spread across the field as a flaming horse and an armored leviathan were released next to their master.

    “RHYDON!” one Pokemon bellowed.

    “RAPIDASH!” the other challenged.

    Shelton responded in kind by releasing Machoke and Shuppet. As Dorian activated his Pokeflect and drew his dagger, Shelton forced Golduck’s pokeball into Machoke’s hands.

    “Run home sweetie,” Shelton cooed. “No matter what you hear or see. I know you know the way home. Just get there and release Golduck, he’ll take care of you.”

    “Choookkeee!” the fighting Pokemon moaned, tears forming in his eyes.

    “None of that,” Shelton said, lightly pushing him backwards. “I need you to be brave for me sweetie. Go.”

    Ethan’s voice sliced through both of them the moment the last words left Shelton’s lips. He was a hundred yards away, but the way the voice resonated inside their minds was like he was breathing into their ears.

    “Give me the shard and I’ll let your Pokemon live,” Ethan spoke. “Your thieving wickedness has come to an end.”

    “Go fuck yourself you fucking murderer,” Dorian yelled in return.

    “So be it,” Ethan growled.

    Shelton drew her steel baton and released Kecleon into the world. The Pokemon stood still for a moment and assessed the situation as Shelton activated her own pokeflect. When his eyes found Ethan Bernard however, the stillness broke. Kecleon’s body flared with energy and he began sprinting forward, quickly leaving the rest of them behind.

    Every ounce of rage and excruciating sadness coalesced into a bubble in Dorian’s mind. He focused on it and stretched it tight against his consciousness, adding more and more hate until it finally popped, sending him forward after Kecleon. Shelton and their Pokemon followed close behind, sending Ethan and his Pokemon rushing forward as well. As the man he had vowed to kill drew closer, Dorian witnessed the impossible.

    Ethan jumped into the air ahead of them, but it had not been a three foot leap for speed. This motion had taken Ethan over twenty feet up into the air. Surpassing reality and physics, Ethan began falling downwards towards them. Kecleon however was unimpressed by this human’s defiance of gravity and leapt upwards to meet him. The two collided in mid-air just as all hell broke loose on the ground.

    Most of their Pokemon escaped unscathed from the Rapidash’s swirling ring of fire it launched, because Ethan’s Rhydon had stomped the ground right before it hit, triggering a micro earthquake and sending all of them crashing to the grass. The ground continued to buck wildly as Dorian fought to get back to his feet. Clenching his dagger, he looked up just as Ethan and Kecleon landed back on the ground.

    “FIRE EVERYTHING!” Shelton screamed.

    Balls of dark energy and streaks of flame shot forward at her command, bathing the small field in a whirlwind of pulsating colors. Shiftry and Growlithe blitzed past him as Dorian started running towards Ethan. He and Kecleon were spinning and jumping, rolling and punching. The normal type’s tongue lashed out and scored blow after blow as Ethan countered with his own lightning quick physical assault. Each wallop by Kecleon tore chunks of skin from Ethan’s arms, chest, and face. As Dorian stalked forward however, he saw that some kind of oily black smoke was rising from the wounds that Ethan received.

    “Ethan!” Dorian shouted.

    The man looked up, playing into Dorian’s intention. As soon as the man’s attention left Kecleon, the lizard Pokemon front flipped over his head while at the same time wrapping his tongue around Ethan’s neck. Kecleon jerked his tongue taut as he landed, sending Ethan spiraling across the field. Dorian started running again after Ethan, with Kecleon outstripping him after only a few steps. A yell from Shiftry turned his head to the right just in time to reflect a dragonbreath attack from the Salamence. Dorian’s Pokeflect absorbed the energy and sent it straight back, catching the dragon in the face and flipping it over.

    “Try!” Shiftry called.

    “Spoink!” the psychic type answered.

    Dorian shot another look back just as Spoink conjured up another barrier. Shiftry streaked forward and leapt onto the top of the psychic field. With a shrill oink, Spoink threw the barrier upwards, launching Shiftry straight up into the air. Knowing Shiftry well enough to know what he was about to do, he shut his eyes tightly as he continued to run. Milliseconds later, a bright flash sent a red glow across his eyelids. Opening his eyes, Dorian saw that the flash attack had temporarily blinded everyone on the field, including Ethan. Dorian increased his speed as the man swung his arms wildly to counter the attacking Kecleon.

    “Kecleon, move!” Dorian shouted.

    The blinded normal type hopped sideways as commanded but he unintentionally leapt right into the path of Ethan’s swinging arms. Kecleon cried out and crumpled as Ethan struck him, sending him soaring back across the field. How Ethan was strong enough to do that eluded Dorian, so did the fact that all of his wounds from Kecleon weren’t visible anymore, but he didn’t care. Every bruise he had gained, every drop of blood he had lost, every hardship he had endured since that day was this man’s fault, and without a doubt he deserved to die. Gathering all of his hate to bear, Dorian tackled Ethan to the ground, driving his dagger deep into his stomach. Scarlet blood immediately wet Dorian’s chest as Ethan bellowed. Reacting quickly, Ethan shoved Dorian off of him, sending him rolling backwards to his feet.

    “You dare,” Ethan accused as he rose to his feet. With a grunt, Ethan removed the dagger and flung it to the side. Black smoke billowed from the hole in Ethan’s stomach and clouded his face for a moment, making him look like a demon sent from hell. “You can’t hurt me, boy.”

    Fuck you,” Dorian retorted, sliding back into his fighting stance.

    Ethan lurched forward and with his fists raised, and Dorian met him head-on. He didn’t know whether it was the adrenaline firing through his veins that made him quicker than usual, or the fact that Ethan seemed to telegraph his punches a year in advance, but Dorian managed to dodge every strike that was sent his way. Dorian got a few lucky licks in, catching Ethan in the stomach once and twice more in the face, but it barely seemed to faze the man. A bright flash of amber light caught them off guard, and the resulting explosion knocked both of them off their feet. As Dorian scrambled back up, he saw Growlithe sailing backwards, and the Rhydon laying face down in the middle of a newly formed crater.

    Dorian’s left ear suddenly went deaf as a punch from Ethan missed his head and collided into the ground. Dorian swung his head around to see that his fist was embedded almost two feet below the grass. Ethan drew back his fist again but Dorian was able to catch him with a glancing blow to the chest, avoiding the blow and giving him a moment to roll away. He wasn’t quick enough however, as Ethan was able to land two strikes to his chest and one to his face.

    The blows didn’t hurt him however. The first bounced harmlessly off his Pokeflect, the second one made his shield of energy flare neon green as the power cells in his bracelet were instantly depleted of half their energy. The third sent the bracelet beeping wildly as its energy was depleted and the sapphire shield collapsed around him. They both stopped; both not understanding why the shield had deflected the blows. Dorian twisted his head sideways as Ethan clenched his fist. The movement towards him that Ethan made next was so incredibly fast that Dorian fell backwards in shock. As the sounds of explosions and the roars of pain overloaded his ears, Dorian saw Ethan’s boot descending towards his face.

    “SHIFTRY!” a voice yelled.

    In one smooth motion, Shiftry jumped and rolled across Ethan’s back, hooking his wooden arm around Ethan’s elbow; carrying his weight sideways, Shiftry threw Ethan as hard as he could, launching him up and over the battlefield below.

    “Thanks!” Dorian yelled.

    “Shiftry shif!” Shiftry replied, booking it back down the field in pursuit of the falling Ethan.

    Dorian followed suit, gazing at the carnage in front of him. The grass had been blackened in great expanses here and there, further accentuated by deep craters that dotted the field like enormous Drilbur holes. He saw Growlithe laying motionless on the ground beside Ethan’s Rhydon, while Kecleon was collapsed near the smoldering form of Ethan’s Rapidash, who was struggling and failing to get to its hooves. Salamence was engaged in battle with Shuppet, who had taken to the air to avoid the dragon’s torrents of purple fire.

    “Go higher and use shadowball!” Shelton commanded to Shuppet as Dorian and Shiftry flew past.

    Ethan smacked into the ground up ahead and immediately was back on his feet, and then was forced back to the grass as Shiftry tackled him. Ethan and the grass type rolled across the grass, each trying to gain leverage over the other. By the time Dorian arrived near the struggling duo, they were both standing, Ethan’s right arm wrapped around Shiftry’s neck. He tightened his grip until Shiftry stopped struggling and his eyes bulged from lack of oxygen.

    “Stop!” Dorian shouted, raising his arms in surrender.

    “Give it to me,” Ethan hissed, returning his Rhydon and Rapidash with his free hand.

    Out of the corner of his eye Dorian saw Shuppet shoot to the north with the Salamence close behind. After a moment they both disappeared into the sky, with Shelton sprinting towards Ethan from behind. Dorian exaggeratedly rifled through the front pocket of his jeans as Shelton closed in, baton raised. Ethan stiffened as Dorian’s hand began rising out of his pocket, just as Shelton swung her metal rod towards him.

    Before she struck however, three things happened at once. The first was the sound of whip cracking right by Dorian’s ear, the second was a dime sized hole appearing in the middle of Ethan’s forehead, and the third was the back of his head exploding outwards and showering Shelton’s face with gore. Ethan’s body collapsed to the ground with finality as Shiftry tore out of his grasp. He saw Shelton bend over and start dry heaving as she struggled to rake brain matter out of her hair. Through the ringing in his ears, Dorian heard two words.

    “You fuck!” Garrett languished.

    Dorian turned in time to see Garrett approaching them. In one arm he held a smoking gun, and cradled protectively in his other was the broken and lifeless form of his Ledian. Garrett’s screaming sobs became more stressed and vocal as he fired round after round of ammunition into Ethan’s body. The slide locked into position as the last bullet was fired and Garrett quickly loaded another clip before he suddenly sank to his knees. As Dorian stared at Garrett, he noticed people streaming down the hillside towards them, red and blue flashes of light behind them.

    “Dorian!” Shelton yelled in panic.

    He swung back around to see black smoke blowing from the bullet wounds all over Ethan’s body. The strangeness of the situation was all the more amplified as Shuppet suddenly dropped to the ground between them. The Pokemon twitched lightly as Ethan pulled himself to his feet. Shouting from multiple voices behind them barely registered in Dorian’s ears as the man stood upright, smiling broadly through blood coated teeth.

    “You can’t kill me,” Ethan growled, taking a step forward.

    Shelton reacted and jumped forward with her baton arm cocked back.

    “MENCE!” a voice bellowed from above.

    A shadow fell across their group as the Salamence dropped down and plucked Ethan from the ground, roaring so loudly that the ground vibrated beneath them. As the two winged away and the Cerulean police surrounded them, Dorian stood transfixed. Ethan’s smile was locked into his mind. Those teeth. That blood. Eternally stuck in that furious knowing glee. As the officers surrounded Shiftry at gunpoint and more locked handcuffs around Dorian’s wrist, the only thing that snapped him out of his daze was the sound of Garrett screaming as the officers tore Ledian from his grasp.

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the amazing banner-


  24. #174
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Illinois, USA
    Posts
    673

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    It took the police four days to find the crazy man’s hidey-hole.
    For some reason, I found this opening hilarious. I don’t know if that was intentional, but… yeah.
    Shelton knew they were dead wrong in their interpretations but it was probably for the best that they weren’t corrected.

    “Breakfaaast,” Dorian sang as he entered the room, Shiftry following close behind.
    Would have liked a bit more of a transition here, it was a bit jarring to go from serious to singing in that short amount of time.

    “What did the Sharpedo say to the Krabby that wouldn’t share?”

    “Oh dear lord, please no,” Shelton began. “I told you what would happen if you ever told one of those moronic jokes again.”

    “Come on, I swear this one is good.”

    “Fine. What did it say?”

    “Don’t be shellfish!” Dorian cackled, doubling over in laughter.
    Pokémon jokes… that’s quite clever. :P

    The clouds darkened and lightened threateningly fast, the sky confused as to whether it had the energy to storm or not.
    I particularly liked this bit of description. Nice.

    Brown hair cascading down her frame, with the smile that all the photographer’s loved, was Sarah ****ing Ball.
    When Shelton was looking at the poster, I actually thought, What if they totally meet her soon? Bam, they met her soon. I win.

    The Salamence and their Pokemon we’re trading pot shots at one another, but the attacks seemed to have no effect on the dragon.
    “we’re” should be “were”

    The Salamence responded by clamping it’s fangs onto the diminutive bug and throwing it backwards.
    “it’s” should be “its”. I point out these mistakes because mistakes like these are pretty jarring in an action scene.

    I just finished reading and all I have to say is wow. I thought a friendly excursion of motorcycle riding would be just that—friendly. But Ethan showed up and ruined everything. All of the attacks and movements were beautifully and realistically described. I can’t really find anything to criticize. I feel sorry for Garrett mostly, and I’m glad Shiftry’s safe. I hope Ethan eventually gets what he deserves though.

    Needless to say, I’m glad you’re back. Keep it up, pair.


    | she will get the truth out of him, whatever it may be. |
    | letters 13/14 released 5/22/14 |


    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | COMPLETE AS OF 8/11/13 |


  25. #175
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Saltus Valley
    Posts
    522

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    Wow. I mean: wow. What a way to return to writing!

    First off, while I hadn't read in a while, I do not recall Garrett at all. I do remember most of the characters before this, but his name does not register... Either way, I found it very odd for Dorian and Shelton to meet up with Sarah Ball. As Shelton said, they just saw her poster in the airport. I wasn't expecting her appearance, but hopefully we'll see more of her in the future.

    Secondly, the entire chase scene. I mean, goodness. You really know how to convey emotions and adrenaline-fueled panic into writing. And once again, you display Ethan's heartless brutality by having him kill Ledian. That was good, my friend. Ethan truly deserves the Best Human Villain award.

    You have no idea how much I enjoyed the fight scene. It's significant in my eyes, as it seems that this was the first time that Dorian and co fought Ethan on equal ground. Despite the fact that Ethan can't be harmed, Dorian's Pokemon managed to hold off Ethan's and do some great damage to them. The part where Garrett shoots Ethan is where the deal was sealed for me.
    It gives Ethan a really, really creepy image, but also, it undermines his immortality a bit. Which seems to be a theme of the recent chapters. Showing us that Ethan is not as all powerful as we were lead to believe in slow increments.

    Nice cliffhanger. Though, I'm not sure how the police could hold them for too long, as there were plenty of people who witnessed Ethan's attack and, might possibly, see that it was an act of self-defense. I'm sure it will be resolved in the next chapter.

    No grammar or other errors I found. Just the fact that I have no idea who Garrett is. XD

    Good job, Sidewinder! And, it's nice to see you back! It's been lonely here without our occasional update of Requiem.

    Knightfall signing off...

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