This scene is a bit too cartoony for me. Nuzleafs aren't small, and Shelton is at least people size. It's hard to believe that Dorian didn't crack a rib from impact. The image I have is just a bit comical to me when it shouldn't be.
Originally Posted by Sidewinder
Nothing particularly wrong with this I can point out, but I had to read it three times to get it. It was just a bit hard to follow.
Further on, the pictures of terror morphed queerly into a cloudless blue sky, where below six robed men sat lazily yet grandiosely on thrones of black metal.
That actually should be "lay", not "laid". Lay is the past tense of lie.
On the side that they entered a jackhammer laid
on the floor next to piles of pulverized rock and buckets of sand,
Having read ahead, I know where this is going, but even without doing so, I still would. It's....awfully convenient. Do we ever get an explanation for WHY the stones are there? It just seems like an AMAZING stroke of luck. A little unbelievable. If we get a story for why they are there, it's all right, but still...I'd like a reason.
When neither of them gave an answer the man laughed softly and strode over to the far wall and began running his hands over the glittering objects placed on them. As Dorian looked closer he saw that the objects were actually precious stones of various sizes. There were diamonds the size of softballs, rubies as big as walnuts, even a few rocks he recognized as evolutionary stones. That’s what the jackhammer was for, the man was some sort of miner, and judging from the sizeable collection he had unearthed he was quite good at it.
Oh, so there's a whole world mythology behind this. That's kinda nifty. I would absolutely have never seen THIS coming. That's for sure.
“Over time though, the treasure inspired new ideas in the six kings, and they unlocked more power in order to make sure that their lives were never threatened again. Eventually, a new rebellion grew out of the region of Orre, and in a show of their new found power, the six kings destroyed Orre and turned it into the desert we know today. One blasphemous soul escaped the destruction however and found a way to use the treasure against them. This worthless man broke the tablet of power apart and used the pieces to scatter the six kings to the wind. He destroyed their bodies and casts their souls to a different reality so that only their voices remained. The so called hero of the world took the pieces of Arceus’s treasure and a single piece of each king and placed them around the planet so the six kings might never reassemble again. That’s what I protect here, a piece of the treasure and a piece of my kings. One day soon, their chosen one will reassemble the pieces of the tablet and restore the six kings to their rightful place above you undeserving mortals.”
A bit supervillain-y, but overall, a powerful little line. I dig it. I wish I got to say things like that as part of my job.
“I thought that you deserved to know the reason why you’re never leaving this room alive.”
He knew as he fell down the hole that the room was unoccupied.
Well cave guy came and went pretty quickly. Are we going to get a backstory on him? How did he know about the kings? What was his role? How did he come to it? Why was he excavating evolutionary stones? They don't seem to have anything to do with his Marik Ishtar-like role.
The Scyther shot straight up at his command and hovered a few inches from the ceiling, the only thing betraying her presence being a soft buzz as her wings vibrated. Two Nidoking walked slowly through the door in front of him, followed by a person wearing a scarlet robe. Marco thought nothing, felt nothing. As with every situation he willed himself to be a spectator as his body reacted to these new stimuli and acted accordingly. He had already crossed the first ten feet before the Scyther dropped down from the ceiling and decapitated the human below. As the human’s blood sprayed across the backs of his Pokemon and they turned to see the body of their headless master, Marco powered forward, covering the remaining distance as they stared blankly in shock. As he moved, Marco saw the Scyther shoot back up out of their reach and the Nidoking turn back around to search for the only other intruder they were sure of.
Is she crying? Mentally detaching from the reality of their situation? If so, this is very nicely done, and it makes me feel for a character who has been very abrasive as of late.
As if she was very far away, he heard Shelton muttering under her breath.
I think you could leave out the "pokemon version" bit. It's more striking to just refer to it as the grim reaper directly.
Not far behind this man was the embodiment of the Pokemon version of the grim reaper. The scythes and thorax of Ethan’s Scyther were painted burgundy instead of emerald, the blood leaving a dotted trail behind it as it walked.
That's creepy and vivid. Nice.
Dorian turned his head to look at Shelton and found her standing completely still, following the movement of the Scyther with her eyes. The insect Pokemon noticed her gaze and stepped forward towards the bars with a large grin etched on its face. It dragged one scythe across the bars at about eye level while emitting a gurgling sound that sounded like laughter.
I don't love the word "millisecond". It sounds too much like hyperbole or like we have an incredibly time-specific narrator. I think the same meaning comes across if you say "At the same instant" or "Immediately after".
which was followed a millisecond later by an unusually shrill scream of pain from the man as the said appendage was dislocated and he collapsed to the floor.
I kinda figured they'd evolve Growlithe while they were here.
Walking quickly and ignoring Shelton’s raised eyebrows, Dorian started stuffing his pants with every diamond and precious stone that he could fit into his pockets. By the time he was finished he was about five pounds heavier and assuredly millions of credits richer. Looking up from his thievery he saw Shelton narrow her eyes at him slightly, which usually meant he was about to get screamed at for something. However, after a moment of consideration she too walked over and filled her pockets.
-Okay, this was action-packed, and we got our first real taste of shardy backstory, but I still want some explanations, pretty much all about the cavekeeper and, well, everything about him. As it stands, he seems like a plot device, there to explain away some mystery and give Nuzleaf a Leaf Stone. I want to know who he is.
-The fight scene was, again, excellent. As usual with you. I'm starting to take them a bit for granted, but they're all terrific.
-I guess Shelton is going to get her Steelix after all, eh?
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