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Thread: Admitting Defeat Ikari -one-shot- G

  1. #1
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    Post Admitting Defeat Ikari -one-shot- G

    Hi, decided to write this in my free time. Also i wanted to try and write something....funny so i came up with this. I hope you like it!

    ~midnight

    Admitting Defeat
    Is much harder than it seems.

    It was supposed to be another trip to another town. Something he would do with ease but the rain kept him from doing so. He looked up and noticed the rain didn’t plan to stop so he kept on going even when his legs refused to. He had so many plans to do, catch pokemon, train, release weak one and catch more, battle and earn badges. There was no time to waste on himself. He had to become stronger. There was no time to become weak and fragile.

    He could no longer endure it any longer and fell onto the ground. Mud covered his face and the tips of his hair. A young girl that was hiding behind the trees walked to his side. She placed her hand on his forehead and felt he had a fever. She kneeled down and moved his long hair away from his face. He was such a different person whenever she would see him in such a state. It was a state where his guard was down and you could touch his skin.

    It was soft and gentle in contrast to his cold snobby personality. She looked up to the skies and noticed the rain wouldn’t stop. With her slim figure she dragged him under a well-covered tree where hardly any rain could come down and touch them. She placed his back on the trunk of the tree and opened his bag for supplies.

    She followed him after seeing him walk from the pokemon centre so late in the night. It wasn’t him to walk out like that even if it could fool others; not her. She only met with him a few times on her journey with Ash. He would share more words to her friend Ash than her but that didn’t seem to bother her. It actually pleased her. If it would only lead to another conversation where he would forget her name then not sharing another word with him was fine by her.

    Paul hated admitting defeat. It was something he hated with his whole life and Dawn wanted to know why. She wanted to know why he would come to the edge of death when he would lose so badly and why keep it to himself? She removed his jacket and began to dry his face with a towel. She couldn’t help but move her faced closer to his. She didn’t care if he wouldn’t remember any of this night. As long she could help him, before she would go, she would be happy,

    His eyes started to flicker and the first thing he saw was that same girl that he would refuse to speak to. Now he felt confined with her under a giant tree until the rain would pass. He wanted to run or punch the air that somebody has seen him in such a state. Being weak, Paul taught her was over that state.

    He tried to look unpleased, annoyed, irritated but he couldn’t. If there was one person he could trust it was strangely…her. After all she was the only person he told why he disliked Ash so much. Not even his own brother knew half the stuff he told her. But why did he pick her? Was it because he was in a foul mood? Was it because he finished talking to his brother who caused him to talk about Ash like that or with it simply Dawn’s presence that made him talk? Paul watched as Dawn tended his arm and tried to off. Not one word was spoken yet she continued to help Paul who was nothing but a stranger in her eyes.

    Paul was getting tried putting such a face; all he wanted to do was rest and sleep. But he knew Dawn wasn’t going anywhere until she was convinced he was alright and safe. His body felt weak and empty and for the first time in his ten years he was exhausted and tried and needed…help.

    Noticing his expression from I hate the world to meh, Dawn offered a small sympatric smile. “Feeling better yet Paul?” Paul looked away. She sighed. “Any more pain elsewhere?”

    “No.” He answered curtly. Dawn didn’t believe him.

    Dawn eyed him sceptically.

    “What?” He asked arrogantly. Paul would normally go on with insults but he was too tried to care.

    “Are you sure?”

    “Should I not be?” He asked. “I’m pretty sure I know how I feel.”

    “If you did you wouldn’t get yourself this wet.” Paul rolled his eyes.

    “I’m fine.” Paul stated boldly. He was in no mood to bicker with a naďve little girl,

    Firmly maintaining her dubious gaze, Dawn swiftly poked the stubborn trainer directly in the shoulder. With a strangled grunt, he recoiled under her touch. He held his shoulder and noticed he had upset her. Paul questioned himself why.

    “Liar.” Dawn sighed “We have to do something about this superiority complex of yours, it’s not healthy.” Paul wanted to cover his ears to stop her blabber but he couldn’t. "I mean," she went on, purposely ignoring his spiteful stare even though she could practically feel his eyes boring through her, “nothing’s wrong with staying here for a few hours while you recover. And I can assure you that no one is going to think poorly of you because of it, either."

    “And how can you be so sure about that?” He asked. “And if I remember correctly you’re the one that brought me here to this tree.”

    “And you should be grateful!” Dawn’s voiced rose. “I mean if I didn’t follow you-” Dawn covered her mouth after spilling important words. Paul lifted an eyebrow.

    “You followed me?” Dawn stared blankly at him. She was out of words. “…stalker.” Paul spoke blunty.

    A tense pause passed between the two of them, in which Dawn continued to brood in silence while Paul patiently waited for her response. Paul decided to call it a draw.

    “Whatever…” he grumbled.

    He hated admitting defeat. He really did.

    “Now that’s all settled.” Dawn smiled but was quickly removed. “Take off your shirt.”

    “WHAT?!” Paul blurted out. “Hell no!” Paul embraced himself as Dawn scratched her cheek and sweat dropped.

    “But you’re all soaking wet…” She tried to explain. She knew Paul was convinced there was no way he would remove his shirt.

    “I’m not taking me shirt off in front of anyone-”

    “Even at the cost of your own health?” Dawn glared once more.

    Dawn = 2, Paul = 0.

    Begrudgingly, Paul sighed and did as he was told, making sure that his movements were slow and careful so that he wouldn't further agitate his aching muscles. Admittedly, he was still a bit sore, but he hadn't wanted to bother her with such an insignificant detail when his overall condition wasn't critical. He just wanted to get this done and over with. He had many places to go and he didn’t want to be delayed even more.

    It wasn’t easy for Dawn either to see a total stranger shirtless right in front of her eyes. But she had to do what she came for. Even if it wasn’t Paul she was healing she would have done the same thing. She placed bandages over red marks on his chest. She nervously placed them on. Paul sighed and grabbed her wrist.

    “Do you even know what you’re doing?” Dawn pouted.

    “Of course! I’ve learnt a few things from Brock to be able to look after you.” Dawn spoke proudly.

    “You do know those techniques are for pokemon right?”

    “Well you look like one so it shouldn’t make a difference.”

    Now he had wished to stay overnight at the poke centre. Admitting defeat felt so…painful. He sighed at Dawn placed the last of his bandages on him. Dawn soon smiled victoriously.

    “I now suggest you don’t go and try kill yourself.” She lectured on while guiding her finger on another mark she found on Paul’s torso. “But I guess it can’t be helped. Your, you. A stubborn, hard-head trainer who can’t admit defeat at times.” She sighed as she dug for another bandage. Paul closed his eyes.

    “Can’t you just zip it?” Dawn harshly placed another bandage on Paul’s wound. Paul coughed afterwards.

    “Hey!” She scowled. “Is that how you talk to somebody who just saved your life?!”

    “It is when they are getting annoying.”

    “Annoying?!” She shouted. “how?”

    Paul’s eyes were now both open. “You just are.”

    “Well geez.” Dawn placed her hands on waist and rolled her eyes. “You do a guy a favour and all he does is complain and complain. Thanks for the compliment Paul.”

    “Your welcome.” He teased. This only made her even madder. She picked up Paul’s jacket and threw at him.

    “Why do I even bother?” Dawn sighed.

    She placed her yellow backpack over her shoulder and looked up at the sky. The rain was clearing up, much earlier than both of them expected. She smiled.

    “Alright, time to go.” She said excitedly. “I better get some berries to make some poffins. I hope there are some around these parts.” She looked around the area and began to worry. She looked back at Paul who was managing to be able to put his shirt back on. “Want to come? Maybe when you get a cold again I’ll leave you there.”

    She was persuading him. He knew. But it wasn’t because of that he was going to come along. He wanted to laugh at Dawn’s attempts at persuasion but he decided to keep it for later.

    He never knew he could be defeated so easily by a girl like her. Oh he hated it a lot.

    Paul sighed.

    She always made it extremely impossible for him to stay mad at her. He didn’t know how she did it though. But it wasn’t something Paul was interested to dig further into.

    “I’ll come with you.” Dawn blinked at Paul in confusion.

    “Say wha?”

    “You heard me. I’m coming.” Paul made his way onto his feet. “Maybe it will be you who will fall ill then I can ask you to take your dress off for revenge.”

    And after that Paul received another injury right in the middle of his face. He never imagined a girl’s toss could be so deadly. He felt his lips twitch slightly, but he put all his effort into keeping the oncoming smile down. He'd already had to admit defeat multiple times today, and wasn't prepared to do it again so willingly.

    He couldn't stop staring at her, though, as she continued glaring down at him, rambling on about how rude and ignorant he was. She looked so ridiculously stupid, like he'd just given her the worst moment of her life. He was surprised he wasn’t dead yet.

    “Geez, it was only a joke. Calm yourself down before you catch some attention.” Dawn pouted once more.

    She sighed. She couldn’t stay mad at him. No matter what she tried. So she reverted to her old cheery self in hope that it would forget her little argument with him.

    “No need to worry.” She spoke. “I’ll make sure that won’t be happening.”

    “I figured you would say something like that.” He placed his bag over his shoulders. “Now let’s go before I change my mind.” Paul nearly lost his balance until he felt a certain somebody catching his fall.

    “Looks like I win.” Paul rolled his eyes.

    He knew it was one battle he had to accept defeat. A defeat he would live for a long, long time.
    Last edited by Midnightmoon6o2; 18th March 2012 at 11:59 PM.

  2. #2
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    Hmm, not a bad one-shot. It's simple, and has the two characters bouncing off each other like characters should. Now I don't know a lot about Paul's character (having never watched D/P), but he was a fine character here.

    Also, though I didn't really laugh, there were some light-hearted moments. However, I felt some were a bit forced. I can't exactly point what those are out, since it's possible a second time reading through it would make the meaning different. What I can point out are a few mistakes I've noticed. Nothing that big of a deal, don't worry, but it's the little things that count.

    Quote Originally Posted by midnightjewelz View Post
    He tried to look unpleased, annoyed, irritated but he couldn’t.
    According to this Mac, the bolded is not a word. It should be "displeased".

    Paul watched as Dawn tended his arm and tried to off.
    You did this a few times, mixing up "tried" and "tired", which is a common mistake. I think you meant to say "tied it off" there.

    Paul was getting tried putting such a face; all he wanted to do was rest and sleep... he was exhausted and tried and needed…help.
    Right there, see? Your spell check must not have pointed that out for you.

    Noticing his expression from I hate the world to meh, Dawn offered a small sympatric smile.
    I think those two expressions noted need to be in quotations. It looks out of line without them. Also, you spelled "sympathetic" wrong.

    Dawn eyed him sceptically.
    Surprisingly enough, that's not a misspelling. Interesting... *looks it up* Oh, so that's how you spell "skeptically", then? Huh, interesting.

    “I’m fine.” Paul stated boldly. He was in no mood to bicker with a naďve little girl,
    Mistook a comma for a period there .

    “…stalker.” Paul spoke blunty.
    Forgot another "l" before the "y". And I believe this was what I meant by forced humor, though that seems natural (even though I didn't laugh, but that is light humor), so I'll let it pass.

    Dawn = 2, Paul = 0.
    This made me smile x3.

    But it would look a lot better if you wrote:

    Dawn, two. Paul, zero.

    Numbers written out in their numerical form is generally not acceptable in writing unless they're over the number ten or hundred, either of the two.

    “But I guess it can’t be helped. Your, you. A stubborn, hard-head trainer who can’t admit defeat at times.”
    That should be "You're you."

    “Annoying?!” She shouted. “how?”
    Forgot to capitalize "how".

    “Your welcome.” He teased.
    "You're welcome".

    And that's about it. Other than those little mistakes, I like the one-shot, it's got a little charm to it. Keep up the good work .
    Winner of Best Pokémon/Pokémon Fic of 2013 in the Shipping Oscars
    Current Chapter: Chapter Ten - 3/17/14 / Current: Requiem I - 11/17/14 - Chapter 21 progress: 66%
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  3. #3
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    Yay!! Another Ikarishipping fic!! This was so cute I like the whole score board thing you had going there, it was cute!!! This was a really good fic, I like your writing style too, it's easy to get into the stories you've written.

    Dawn and Paul are probably one of my favorite couples to ship, the whole 'opposites attracts' thing really stands out to me! Dawn's demeanor in the fic was cute too, because she was really similar to her character in the franchise as well, and I like that This could have probably been a real episode save some content.

    This was overall very nice, a couple of grammar and spelling errors here and there, but that's common in many writers, including myself One word of advice would be to use more powerful words, adds more zest to the piece! But you're a very accomplished writer and I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. I look forward to reading your other fics!
    "Boy oh boy...the price of freedom is steep." - Zack Fair
    Proud Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts and Pokemon fan! Advanceshipping FTW
    Current Fic: The Pokemon Ranch
    Crappy Banner Art By Me

  4. #4
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    Thanks guys, very helpful advice. And about the grammer. I forgot to write the numbers into their letter format. It was really late in the night when i posted this that i forgot i even posted it at all. Ah, i look like a fool to get such simple grammer wrong.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by midnightjewelz View Post
    Thanks guys, very helpful advice. And about the grammer. I forgot to write the numbers into their letter format. It was really late in the night when i posted this that i forgot i even posted it at all. Ah, i look like a fool to get such simple grammer wrong.
    You're no fool, trust me! Everyone gets grammar mistakes, It takes me forever to edit But really, great job with this fic. I loved it
    "Boy oh boy...the price of freedom is steep." - Zack Fair
    Proud Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts and Pokemon fan! Advanceshipping FTW
    Current Fic: The Pokemon Ranch
    Crappy Banner Art By Me

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