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Thread: ~An Eevee's Tale, The Smallest of Eevees~ (G)

  1. #1
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    Default ~An Eevee's Tale, The Smallest of Eevees~ (G)

    An Eevee's Tale
    The Smallest of Eevees


    ~Prologue~

    Transform Village was a small community made up of only Eevees and their evolutions. It was a very happy place. Every day, the children played around the big tree stump in the village square. They lived off of wild berries that grew all around the perimeter of the settlement, and on very hot days, everyone swam in the lake outside of the village.

    Emmett was just one of the many Eevees that lived there. He was the smallest Eevee in the village and he had shining silver fur. He loved to play with his friends: Zeus, Sun, Moon and Aqua. Zeus was a Jolteon, he's playful and fun to be around. Moon and Sun were brother and sister, yet unalike in many ways. Moon was an Umbreon, and Sun, an Espeon. Aqua was of course, a Vaporeon, she loves the rain and any games to do with water. Everyone's names seemed to have a significance, but Emmett was just Emmett.

    He didn't mind, though. Life was good. His parents loved him very much, and so did his friends. No one picked on him for being small, and he enjoyed making up games. His favorite was one that he called "King of the Stump". It was a game where the players try to shove each other off of a tree stump until everyone is tired, and the last one on the stump is the winner.

    But all was about to change for Emmett, his friends, Transform Village and the whole of Unova Region. Zekrom and Reshiram, Black and White, Yin and Yang, had awakened, but they were angered, and they fought against each other with no end. Neither could defeat the other. The great and wise Alakazam had foreseen that this would be the end of Unova, unless one hero could bring peace between them. A small Eevee whose coat was black and white united in a silvery synthesis, an Eevee braver than the mightiest of Pokemon, an Eevee whose strength matched the vastness of his heart...
    Last edited by Takatheeducatedkid; 26th March 2012 at 7:11 AM.
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    Okay, not bad for your first story (I believe this is your first). However, I checked the prologue on a Word document, and it's about half a page. Prologues are to be no less than a page in length, otherwise it has to be posted along with the first chapter. I don't think this is any exception, but you should probably check this with a mod.

    Anyway, I saw no spelling mistakes, but you have a very common grammar mistake: run-on sentences and too many commas.

    See here:

    Quote Originally Posted by Takatheeducatedkid View Post
    Transform Village was a small community made up of only Eevees and their evolutions, it was a very happy place, every day the children played around the big tree stump in the village square, they lived off of wild berries that grew all around the perimeter of the settlement, and on very hot days, everyone swam in the lake outside of the village.
    With all of those commas, this is considered a single sentence. You need to cut back on commas (and put commas in the right places) like this:

    Transform Village was a small community made up of only Eevees and their evolutions. It was a very happy place. Every day, the children played around the big tree stump in the village square. They lived off of wild berries that grew all around the perimeter of the settlement, and on very hot days, everyone swam in the lake outside of the village.
    There. That looks a little better, right?

    Emmett was just one of the many Eevees that lived there, he was the smallest Eevee in the village and he had shining silver fur. He loved to play with his friends, Zeus, Sun, Moon and Aqua. Zeus was a Jolteon, he's playful and fun to be around. Moon and Sun where brother and sister, yet unalike in many ways. Moon was an Umbreon, and Sun, an Espeon. Aqua was of course, a Vaporeon, she loves the rain and any games to do with water. Everyone's names seemed to have a significance, but Emmett, was just Emmett.
    "Where" and "were", while they're not homonyms, are commonly mixed up with new writers.

    And since you still have a comma problem, this should look more like this:

    Emmett was just one of the many Eevees that lived there. He was the smallest Eevee in the village and he had shining silver fur. He loved to play with his friends: Zeus, Sun, Moon and Aqua. Zeus was a Jolteon, he's playful and fun to be around. Moon and Sun were brother and sister, yet unalike in many ways. Moon was an Umbreon, and Sun, an Espeon. Aqua was of course, a Vaporeon, she loves the rain and any games to do with water. Everyone's names seemed to have a significance, but Emmett was just Emmett.
    See?

    He didn't mind though, life was good. His parents loved him very much, and so did his friends, no one picked on him for being small and he enjoyed making up games. His favorite was one that he called "King of the Stump". A game where the players try to shove each other off of a tree stump until everyone is tired, and the last one on the stump is the winner.
    And again here (with a few added words):

    He didn't mind, though. Life was good. His parents loved him very much, and so did his friends. No one picked on him for being small, and he enjoyed making up games. His favorite was one that he called "King of the Stump". It was a game where the players try to shove each other off of a tree stump until everyone is tired, and the last one on the stump is the winner.
    Then there's this:

    But all was about to change for Emmett, his friends, Transform Village and the whole of Unova Region... For Zekrom and Reshiram, Black and White, Yin and Yang, had awakened... But they where angered, and they fought against each other with no end, neither could defeat the other. The great and wise Alakazam had foreseen that this would be the end of Unova, unless one hero could bring peace between them... A small Eevee who's coat was black and white united in a silvery synthesis, an Eevee, braver than the mightiest of Pokemon, an Eevee who's strength matched the vastness of his heart...
    Ellipses aren't generally bad, but too many of them at once can get very irksome. And again, you mixed up "where" and "were". It's the same with "whose" and "who's". "Whose" is a possessive word, while "who's" is short for "who is".

    Once more here:

    But all was about to change for Emmett, his friends, Transform Village and the whole of Unova Region. Zekrom and Reshiram, Black and White, Yin and Yang, had awakened, but they were angered, and they fought against each other with no end. Neither could defeat the other. The great and wise Alakazam had foreseen that this would be the end of Unova, unless one hero could bring peace between them. A small Eevee whose coat was black and white united in a silvery synthesis, an Eevee braver than the mightiest of Pokemon, an Eevee whose strength matched the vastness of his heart...
    Looks a little better, right?

    It looks promising. As long as you keep an eye out for too many commas, you should be fine. You should also be careful about making Emmett a Gary Stu (since it is going to be obvious he's the chosen one, but at least you didn't really point it out). As long as you make his story believable, then I can believe that Emmett is going to be the hero. Since you did give away a lot of important things to the prophecy after introducing some of the villagers, it's going to take a lot of work and planning to make this work to its advantage. Honestly, you could've waited to introduce the characters until the next chapter. Prologues are mostly used to introduce a set-up that is important to the story, but goes into further detail later on in the story. You may not have released a lot of information, but it's a bit easy to determine what may happen.

    So with that in mind, I wish you good luck, and happy writing.
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    Just to clarify:

    Okay, not bad for your first story (I believe this is your first). However, I checked the prologue on a Word document, and it's about half a page. Prologues are to be no less than a page in length, otherwise it has to be posted along with the first chapter. I don't think this is any exception, but you should probably check this with a mod.
    7) Stories must be of the proper length.
    While there is technically no minimum on length for One-Shots and prologues, all chapters must be an absolute minimum of TWO PAGES long on Microsoft Word, Arial font, size 12. Exceptions may be made if the chapter is exceptionally well-written and gets the job done.
    So prologues don't have a limit on them, although chapters do. Mind you all the rest still applies - be sure to proofread, as mistakes can distract from the actual story.

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    Thank you, Kutie Pie, for bringing these problems to my attention. I never noticed how much I use commas! And I should have guessed I got where and were, who's and whose mixed up. xD

    Hopefully I can better my writing skills with the tips you have given. It was in fact, intended that you be able to guess that Emmett is the hero. But I don't intend to make him a Gary Stu, at least, I hope people won't see him that way... Also, to save the readers' sanities, I will use the examples you've written out and fix up my first post.


    And thank you bobanbill, for clarifying on that, it helps. (:


    Without further ado, here is the first chapter!


    Chapter 1 ~ A Hero?


    Alakazam was sitting cross-legged on a red rug in his home. He had just foreseen the end of Unova. Opening his eyes, he stood up. Swiftly he ran to an oak table that was sitting at the other side of the room. The sunlight shone through the window as he started to write a letter. “Dear old friend…” He began…



    When he was finished, he walked outside. There in the town square, a mail carrier Eevee was just handing out letters to the Pokemon that lived there. The sun shined brightly and all was cheerful, Cherrim were tending to the potted plants around town as their little Cherubi played together and the Chatot were happily chirping, singing songs. Alakazam lived in the town of Sunnygrove.

    “You there, you come from Transform Village, yes?” Alakazam asked the Eevee.

    “Yep, I’m Cheshire. Is there a letter you need to send? The Eevee asked, noticing the letter in his hand.

    Alakazam handed him the letter. “Indeed, Cheshire, please take this to the Village Elder, understand this is of the utmost importance, my friend.” His voice sounded very serious.

    “I understand!” The Eevee saluted. “I won’t fail you, sir!” He began to run down the small dirt path that led out of the town.

    Alakazam smiled at the young Eevee’s enthusiasm. “I wonder how my old friend is doing these days…” He said, looking up at the sky.

    Just outside Transform Village, five friends where racing through the bright green forest, the plants grew tall all around. It was Emmett’s birthday and they where going to celebrate by going to hang out at the lake, one of Emmett’s favorite places.

    “I’m winning this!” Zeus called back, almost bumping into a tree.

    Sun was gaining on him. “Yeah right!” She ducked under a fallen down tree log.

    Aqua jumped over a boulder and into the lead. “No one’s beating me to my favorite spot!”

    Emmett was in the back. “You guys are too fast…” He panted as he plodded along.

    “C’mon, you can do it Emmett!” Moon said, passing him. He nudged him a little as he went by.

    Zeus and Aqua where fighting for first, they pushed each other back and forth. Moon was following at a steady pace, he knew that he wasn’t going to win but he wasn’t the type to push to beat his friends.

    The group fast approached a lake, Emmett still in the back. Zeus passed everyone and canon-balled into the water. The rest jumped in after.

    “No fair, you always win!” Aqua joked, splashing water in Zeus’s face.

    “Aw, come on, I don’t do that when you guys win!” Zeus laughed.

    “That’s because we don’t win.” Emmett said, huffing and puffing as he approached after them. He was smiling.

    “Man, this water feels good today…” Moon floated by.

    “It does. We should play something!” Aqua cheered.

    “Good idea, which game should we do?” Sun asked, sinking into the water. Only her eyes peeped out.

    “We should let Emmett choose, it’s his birthday after all.” Zeus pointed out.

    “Hmm, okay… Umm, how about Header?” Emmett suggested.

    “Sounds good!” Aqua and Zeus said at the same time. “Copycat…” Aqua mumbled, splashing more water in Zeus’s face. Zeus glared at her.

    “I’m okay with Header.” Moon said.

    Sun pulled her face back out of the water. “Me too.” She agreed.

    Emmett found an Oran Berry for a ball and threw it to Aqua, who quickly hit it into the air with her head. Emmett then jumped into the water. “Alright, you guys know the rules, anyone who misses the ball is out. The last Pokemon standing is the winner! Hitting the ball away from other players is an instant loss!” He explained before hitting the ball back into the air, aiming towards Zeus.

    The first to go out was Sun, who had slipped by accident. The next to go out was Zeus. He had missed the ball completely. Emmett went out third. The ball had hit his nose. It ended up coming down to Moon and Aqua.

    It went for a long time with just the two, neither one could get the other to miss the ball. Finally Moon slipped and batted the ball in the wrong direction, leading Aqua to victory.

    “Nobody beats Aqua at water games.” Sun said, clapping.

    “You bet nobody does!” Aqua agreed, splashing in the water.

    “That was pretty fun, let’s go play King of the Stump now!” Emmett suggested, getting out of the water.

    Zeus jumped out of the lake and shook off. Drops of water flew off of his spiky yellow fur and all over Emmett. “Alright, lets race home!”

    “I’ve had enough racing for one day.” Emmett sighed.

    “Me too.” Sun said, climbing out of the water.

    “I gotta say, I don’t feel like racing either.” Moon closed his eyes.

    After everyone dried off, they began to walk along the path to Transform Village. Dark clouds where gathering in the skies, it was going to rain soon. Emmett climbed on top of everything as they walked. Boulders, logs, tree stumps, everything.

    When they arrived at the Village, Emmett jumped on top of the tree stump. “Looks like no one wants to be out in the rain.” Moon pointed out, noticing no one was outside.

    “Well, I don’t care if I get wet.” Emmett said. “Lets just play our game already.”

    The friends then began shoving each other off and taking control of their “throne”. It began to drizzle, but no one seemed to mind, they liked the rain, especially Aqua.

    Suddenly the mail carrier Eevee came running into the village, he headed straight for the Village Elder’s house.

    “Oh? It looks like a letter came for the Village Elder! He always reads his letters aloud. Let’s find out what it says! We should go listen in!” Emmett said, seeing Cheshire knock on the Village Elder’s door.

    Emmett got pushed off the stump by Zeus. “Hey, I thought we where playing a game, what are you going on about?”

    “Emmett, you shouldn’t eavesdrop on people reading letters, what if it’s something private?” Sun scolded.

    “Aw, but I really wanna know! Besides, what kind of private stuff could an old Eevee like the Village Elder get in the mail anyways?” Emmett ran towards the Village Elder’s house, despite Sun’s warning.

    Sun rolled her eyes. “C’mon, we better make sure Emmett doesn’t do anything too stupid.”

    “Yeah, like that time when-“ Aqua began to say.

    “Never mind, come on Aqua!” Moon said, following Sun.

    The town was quiet as they followed Emmett to the Village Elder’s house. It was getting dark and it was still drizzling. Moon easily blended into the darkness, being an Umbreon.

    The group of kids sat by the window. They saw Cheshire hand the letter over. “Ah, a letter from my old friend, I wonder what it could be about?” The Village Elder said. “Here, you came all the way here, the least I can do is get you a nice cup of tea.” He told Cheshire. “Wait here.”

    Cheshire sat down in a small wooden chair by the window, he looked out.

    “Eep!” Emmett ducked down. “Do you think he saw me?”

    “Probably.” Sun whispered, rolling her eyes. A big drop of water fell off the Elder's roof and onto the red gem on her forehead. "Ack!"

    The Village Elder came back and placed a teapot on the wooden table in front of Cheshire. A candle flickered as he poured two cups of tea. “Here.” He handed one to Cheshire, who took a small sip.

    “Wow, this is amazing! Elder, have you ever considered opening some sort of café?” Cheshire exclaimed.

    “I want to try some…” Aqua almost found herself drooling as she imagined the taste. Her fins where drooping.

    “Well now, I should read this letter.” The Village elder said, finishing up his tea. He was a fast drinker.

    “I guess I should be going then.” Cheshire started to stand up.

    “Oh no, it’s okay. You should wait until the rain lets up anyhow.” The Village Elder poured himself more tea. “Would you like some more too?”

    “Oh, yes please, thank you Elder.” Cheshire answered, sitting down again.

    They could hear the Village Elder finally beginning to read his letter, slow as molasses.

    “Dear old friend, I must inform you of something, a vision… Something terrible and incomprehensible… Reshiram and Zekrom have awakened, and they fight tirelessly! They mean to destroy each other. But neither Reshiram nor Zekrom can take the other out, this means one thing… Unova will come to an end! There is but one chance of saving our home... I also saw in the vision, a hero…”
    Last edited by Takatheeducatedkid; 29th March 2012 at 4:59 PM.
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    Okay, I'm having some issues with this chapter here.

    The length is decent, but I feel like there should be more to it, like some more detail on what's going on, on what the village is like, things like that. Take this for example:

    Quote Originally Posted by Takatheeducatedkid View Post
    Alakazam had just foreseen the end of Unova. Swiftly he wrote a letter and ran outside of his house. There, in the town square, a mail carrier Eevee was just handing out letters to the Pokemon that lived there.
    Even though you did explain this in the prologue, you could've added more to this scene. Alakazam foresaw the end, we know that. So did he not do anything else in between his vision and writing of the letter? He lives in a house, but where exactly is his house located? What is the town square like? The simple atmospheric things like that. Unless he teleported with every action he did, it was really too quick and too simple.

    The dialogue after that is okay, though again, I do feel like a little more could be added, such as some secondary action. Like how are the characters acting while talking? And does Alakazam sound urgent? You never said if he was. We need a little bit of tone-of-voice involved, as well as some synonyms for "said" and "asked", mix it up here and there. Words can get repetitive very quickly.

    Meanwhile, just outside Transform Village, five friends where racing through the forest…
    Again, you could've added more to this such as the atmosphere of the village and the forest. And if there was more to this, "meanwhile" wouldn't really be needed. It's good you're transitioning, but you can transition between scenes without using "meanwhile". You can just go ahead and jump to a new scene by describing a new location, albeit briefly so we know it is elsewhere in Unova. Now I'm not expecting an actual distance between the village and the town square, just a change in scenery.

    “I’m winning this!” Zeus called back.


    “Yeah right!” Sun was gaining on him.


    Aqua ran in front. “No one’s beating me to my favorite spot!”


    “You guys are too fast…” Emmett plodded along in the back.


    “C’mon, you can do it Emmett!” Moon said, as he passed him.
    Here, you could've had little non-speaking moments here-and-there so it's not dialogue all in a row like that. They're racing, okay then. How are they racing, exactly? How playful are they being with one another? Little details like that are what help paint the picture a little more, and also makes a scene play out smoothly.

    The group fast approached a lake, well, except for Emmett. Zeus passed everyone and canon-balled into the water. The rest jumped in after.
    You have too little going on here. You should take a little bit of time to get them to the lake, and not exactly tell us that Emmett didn't get to the lake with the others. You need to show us, not tell us what's going on.

    “No fair, you always win!” Aqua joked, splashing water in Zeus’s face.


    “Aw, come on, I don’t do that when you guys win!” Zeus laughed.


    “That’s because we don’t win.” Emmett chuckled.
    Hmm? I thought Emmett didn't approach the lake. How come he's there? Did he teleport in there out of nowhere? You missed quite a bit here.

    “We should let Emmett choose, it’s his birthday after all.” Zeus pointed out.
    Hmm, I feel like we should've had a hint it was someone's birthday earlier on instead of a character telling us out of the blue. After all, I had no idea what the day was until someone pointed it out, which in numerous cases is a no-no.

    Everyone agreed, they found an Oran Berry for a ball and began to hit it into the air with their heads, anyone who missed the ball was out. The last Pokemon standing was Aqua, she was the winner.
    The comma between the bolded words needs to be a period. And you could've added a lot more to this scene. You could've showed us how the game went and how they hit and missed the berry. We didn't need to be told so quickly Aqua was the winner. It was written in such a way that it was as though she was meant to have won without exception.

    “Nobody beats Aqua at water games.” Sun said.


    “You bet nobody does!” Aqua agreed, splashing in the water.


    “Hey guys, let’s go play King of the Stump!” Emmett suggested.
    A lot more should be added here as well. It's just really too quick for the characters to be talking and agreeing like that. And wait, did they play the game in the water, or out of the water?

    This is what I mean by there needing to be some details and a transitions of scenes. I'm being led to believe the characters pop in and out as they please because the transitions are so poorly handled.

    They went back to Transform Village. Emmett jumped on top of the tree stump, all of the friends then began shoving each other off and taking control of their “throne”. It began to drizzle, but no one seemed to mind, they liked the rain, especially Aqua.
    Again, you could've described the way back to the village. We want a three-dimensional view of the world they live in. We want to know bits and pieces here, but not too much. There is such a thing as being too descriptive.

    Suddenly the mail carrier Eevee came running into the village, he headed straight for the Village Elder’s house.
    Right here, you could have had one of the characters noticing the mail carrier heading into the village in the middle of doing something.

    The group of kids sat by the window, they could hear the Village Elder reading his letter, slow as molasses.
    The distance can't be that short between the tree stump and the elder's house. This would've been a great time to show us if the village is crowded or not, what the streets are like, if they had to swerve in and out of traffic or not, simple things like that.

    “Dear old friend, I must inform you of something, a vision… Something terrible and incomprehensible… Reshiram and Zekrom have awakened, and they fight tirelessly, they mean to destroy each other. But neither Reshiram nor Zekrom can take the other out, this means one thing… Unova will come to an end. There is but one chance of saving our home, I also saw in the vision, a hero…”
    I would've liked to see the village elder here instead of his dialogue. I'd like to know who he is and what he is doing briefly before the children catch what he's reading. The village elder is a character, even if he's minor, so he needs to have some sort of character development in his actions.

    There's also the issue of the double spaces, but it's not technically incorrect. Overall, it was rather decent. If it had more to it, and the characters have their own unique characteristics in their actions and words (another trait that is missing here), then it would make for an interesting read. But it was too quick for me.

    I ask that you take your time in writing the chapters from now on, and don't be afraid to add parts here and there even when you're about to upload it (just not in the box itself). You need to do everything you can to impress the readers in your story-telling ability. I see potential here, you just need to be pointed in the right direction. If you follow advice, from both the reviewers and the Advice for Aspiring Authors thread, then we should see some vast improvement within a few chapters. You're part of the next generation of writers who'll replace us when we leave.

    Happy writing!
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    Ah, I see. I guess I was so worried about boring people with details, that I made it lack enough details... :/

    However, there's no way I could leave that, so I have revamped the first chapter, it took a while, but it looks a ton better, right? ;D

    I plan on writing out the second chapter soon. I just wanted to let you know, this stuff really, really helps! thank you so much for taking your time to point out my mistakes like this! Thanks to you, I'll be a much better writer! :>
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    That's MUCH better, that's what I'm talking about. Never be afraid to put in details, it's what we want to see. We'd let you know if it's too wordy.

    Now, there are still mistakes here and there like mixing up "where" and "were", and you still have misplaced commas, but not a lot. The spell check doesn't catch things like that unless it also catches grammatical errors. If it doesn't, and you do have a spell check that checks your grammar, then your spell check isn't exactly reliable (it really isn't in general). The program is just a bunch of data put together. Your brain is more superior, which is why proof-reading it works the best.

    Also, we have pronouns, nouns, and adjectives for a reason, so we won't have to keeping reading the same name over and over again. There's nothing wrong with it, but some people find it very repetitive. The Eevee pretty much all look alike, right? But I'm sure they have some distinctive traits about them that separates them from each other, like their size or anything. Now, you don't have to go into detail exactly, but if it does play a part in the story a bit, then you need to allude to it from time to time. Otherwise, it's not really needed, and it's just a side thing. It's the little things like that.

    Got it? I can tell what Pokémon they'll be when they evolve because of their names, but for the most part, they look alike except for Emmett. No two Eevee look alike, I'm sure. Doesn't mean you should give them all something unique, just a little detail that helps tell them apart. Just something to keep in mind as you continue writing.
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    Wait, I never said they where all Eevees. o.O

    They already are what their names suggest. Zeus is a Jolteon, Moon and Sun are Umbreon and Espeon and Aqua is a Vaporeon. And of course Emett's an Eevee. Maybe It was misleading to write the last part of the introduction of characters in the prologue?
    Everyone's names seemed to have a significance, but Emmett was just Emmett.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Takatheeducatedkid View Post
    Wait, I never said they where all Eevees. o.O

    They already are what their names suggest. Zeus is a Jolteon, Moon and Sun are Umbreon and Espeon and Aqua is a Vaporeon. And of course Emett's an Eevee. Maybe It was misleading to write the last part of the introduction of characters in the prologue?
    So I guess there are baby Jolteon, Vaporeon, and the like, huh?

    No, that part wasn't misleading, I thought it was neat to just have it say "Emmett was just Emmett". I figured they were all Eevee, but they were named as a way to let them know what they'll evolve into.

    And now you gotta go back and rewrite it a little bit XD. But that's normal editing, so don't be ashamed. It's the little things that count, like I said. I expected them to look like Eevee since they are pretty young (they are young, right?), and their evolutions are like the rite of passage, or transition to maturity. If I thought that way, then it's possible others thought so as well. This is why detail is important . Though that doesn't mean you should completely describe what they look like, nor should you out-right tell us what they are. It's gotta be somewhere in between.
    Winner of Best Pokémon/Pokémon Fic of 2013 in the Shipping Oscars
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  10. #10
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    This is giving me diabetes! <3

    It's really great, and I think Kutie Pie took care of everything. A story about an Eevee is really creative, and I spend all my internet time surfing fanfiction.net, so I should know.

    I imagine this like one of those kids movies or Disney or something.. It's just so squee! Keep it going! Really looking forward to Chapter 2!

    P.S I noticed a lot of things you said to me in your review. ()

    P.S.A.W How old are you? (Eevee)
    When it happens...eat pie. =3

    Read this if you feel silly.

    https://login.fanfiction.net/story/s...1603&chapter=1



    Um.. yay? :3

    You see me coming, you better not laugh and lie, one man did and one man died!
    (Of laughter)

    Pls not to be hating me cos I probably much younger and stupider than you >:U

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    Chapter 2 ~ Emmett is Nervous


    “Only one Pokemon can save this region and I know of one place where many Eevees dwell here in Unova. Do you recall the letter you sent to me a long time ago when a silver Eevee had been born in Transform Village? You where very excited and you couldn’t stop talking about it in your letters. When I saw that Eevee the time I visited those years ago I felt that that Eevee, would be destined for greatness. He is the only Eevee that fits the description of the Eevee I foresaw saving Unova. What was his name again? I think you said it was Emile? Yes, that must have been it… Anyway, you must find Emile and prepare him for his journey. It may be long and hard but he is the only one who can do this…” the Village Elder finished the letter. Setting it down on the table, he thought for a moment. Cheshire hadn’t moved a muscle since the Elder started reading. He still held his teacup as though he was about to take a sip, eyes open wide and mouth hanging open.

    “It was Emile right? It must’ve been…” the Elder pondered.

    Cheshire put down his tea. “Emmett, not Emile…” He rolled his eyes. “But… Unova is WHAT? Unova’s ending? But I don’t want to die young, I have so much to do still!” the young Eevee yelled.

    The Elder chuckled. “Ho ho, so you do not believe in Emile?”

    “It’s Emmett... For goodness sake, he lives in this village…” Cheshire mumbled.

    “Emmett, Emile, same thing. Tomorrow I must tell the young Eevee about this if he is to save the region.” the old Eevee said, putting the letter back in the envelope and setting it atop a high shelf at the end of the room. He got around quickly for an Eevee so old.

    “Remind me to forget you said the region’s going to be obliterated. I have to get home, I’m starving.” Cheshire climbed down from the small wooden chair. “The tea was great, thanks Elder.”

    “Oh, but you should have more-” the Elder began to say.

    “The rain let up, I had two cups of tea and I need to eat dinner. I think it’s time to go.” Cheshire pointed out.

    The Village Elder looked down. “Ah, I see… it’s just that I get so lonely sometimes, no one wants to visit an old Eevee like myself.”

    “Don’t worry Elder, I’ll be sure to visit you tomorrow morning.” Cheshire stated, heading for the door.

    “I didn’t know the Elder was so lonely…” Sun said, peeking in through the small round window with the others.

    “Unova… ending… hero…” Emmett was sitting down in a bush below the window. The five heard the door close. Footsteps came quickly around the side of the house.

    “Whatcha guys doin’?” Cheshire shouted, running up to them. Being younger than the five, he was only a little bit bigger than Emmett.

    “Wah!” Emmett jumped up. “Don’t sneak up on people, Cheshire! You almost scared Moon’s Belue Berry Pie out of me! I thought you where someone else for a second…”

    “Sorry.” Cheshire shrugged. “Anyway, happy birthday! I forgot to come and tell you today and what a coincidence finding you here, hero!” He gave Emmett a nudge.

    “How did you know we were eavesdropping?” Emmett’s eyes widened.

    “Who wouldn’t? You couldn’t hide well if you were microscopic, Emmett.” Zeus commented, cocking his head.

    “Hehe, I eavesdrop here all the time. If I told on you guys, everyone would be watching this spot. And that’s bad news for me.” Cheshire chuckled.

    Moon rolled his eyes. “Figures.”

    “Seriously guys, we should be talking somewhere else.” Aqua pointed out, jumping away from the group. She was headed for the tree stump in the middle of the Transform Village.

    “I don’t know about all this hero stuff…” Emmett sighed. “I think I feel sick.”

    “Don’t worry Emmett, I’m pretty sure you’ll survive… Maybe.” Zeus joked.

    Moon glared at Zeus. “Aren’t you supposed to be making him feel better?”

    Zeus shrugged.

    “Emmett, it’s okay. Don’t forget we’re here. The four of us, we’ll all go with you. Right guys?” Aqua turned around and said, reassuringly. The group had begun slowly moving toward the tree stump as they talked.

    “Of course we will.” Sun agreed.

    “Hey, what about me? I’m coming!” Cheshire exclaimed, jumping up.

    “Count me in.” Moon said.

    “Count me in also.” Sun chimed in.

    “I’ll go too. We wouldn’t make you go by yourself, little friend.” Zeus patted Emmett’s back.

    “The fact is… I don’t want to go at all.” Emmett sat down next to the stump as the others approached.

    “Hey, Emmett? If what Alakazam said in his letter is true, you don’t really have a choice. It’s save the region or we all die…” Cheshire jumped onto the tree stump behind Emmett. “By the way, does Alakazam have a real name? His name can’t actually be Alakazam…”

    Emmett planted his face in the tall grass.

    “Why don’t we forget about it for now, Emmett? Is this any way to spend your birthday? You should head home. I’m sure your parents have a big delicious cake, way better than any pie of mine waiting for you.” Sun smiled in attempt to cheer him up.

    Emmett lifted his head out of the grass. “Yeah…” he sighed, standing up. He began to walk slowly home. His head hung low.

    “Are you sure he’ll be okay, Sun?” Aqua asked in a low voice.

    Sun watched Emmett’s parents, happily welcoming him home. “I hope so,” she whispered.

    Everyone parted ways and went home without a word. No one seemed to have anything to say. Tomorrow would be a big day and everyone needed to be rested up if Emmett really was going to be a hero…
    Last edited by Takatheeducatedkid; 1st May 2012 at 8:28 PM.
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  12. #12
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    Okay, not too bad. It's not like how the first chapter was written the first time around, but you still do have some things to work on.

    Quote Originally Posted by Takatheeducatedkid View Post
    “Only one Pokemon can save this region and I know of one place where many Eevees dwell here in Unova. Do you recall the letter you sent to me a long time ago when a silver Eevee had been born in Transform Village? You where very excited and you couldn’t stop talking about it in your letters. When I saw that Eevee the time I visited those years ago I felt that that Eevee, would be destined for greatness. He is the only Eevee that fits the description of the Eevee I foresaw saving Unova.”

    What was his name again? I think you said it was Emile? Yes, that must have been it… Anyway, you must find Emile and prepare him for his journey. It may be long and hard but he is the only one who can do this…”
    For one thing, if you're splitting up dialogue into two different paragraphs, you don't close off the second paragraph with quotations. You insert a new paragraph with quotations at the beginning, and continue from there.

    “It was Emile right? It must’ve been…” The Elder pondered.

    Cheshire put down his tea. “Emmett, not Emile…” He rolled his eyes. “But… Unova is WHAT? Unova’s ending? But I don’t want to die young, I have so much life to live!” The young Eevee yelled.

    The Elder chuckled. “Ho ho, so you do not believe in Emile?”

    “It’s Emmett... For goodness sake, he lives in this village…” Cheshire mumbled.
    The elder forgetting Emmett's name is quite funny xD. I wonder if it'll become a running gag.

    The bolded part is worded awkwardly. It doesn't sound correct when you say "I have so much life to live" out-loud. How about "I have so much to do" instead? If you're not sure about how something is phrased, how about saying it out-loud to yourself and see if it sounds fine or awkward? Though I did check with a Word document for grammar, and it didn't get underlined, which is odd. Still, it sounds off, so I'd change that.

    Oh, and you keep capitalizing the first word that's not a name or title after the dialogue, and you (almost) always end a piece of dialogue that's not a question or exclamation in a comma. This doesn't apply to the above quoted, it's everywhere in this chapter, and previous.

    “Unova… Ending… Hero…” Emmett was sitting down in a bush below the window.
    With exception of Unova, everything should be lowercase.

    “How did you know we where eavesdropping?” Emmett’s eyes widened.
    It's "were".

    “Who wouldn’t? You couldn’t hide well if you where microscopic, Emmett.” Zeus commented, cocking his head.
    And you did it again here.

    “Hehe, I eavesdrop here all the time. If I told on you guys, everyone would be watching this spot. And that’s bad news for me.” Cheshire chuckled.
    Mmm, I don't think the emphasis on "that's" needed. It disturbs the flow for me.

    Moon glared at Zeus. “Aren’t you supposed to be making him feel better?”
    And I think you should only emphasis one of the words here. "Feel" will probably be the best one emphasized.

    And that's pretty much all what I saw. Not bad, I'm happy for you. You're well on your way. Now that we're on our way to the beginning of the journey, I'm excited to see where this goes from here. I hope you know what you're doing.

    Oh, yeah, it just came to my head. Emmett just found out he's "the one". He may be nervous here, but he's taking it quite well for someone who just discovered he'll save an entire region. I expected him to not believe it from the beginning. I mean, he's pretty young for an Eevee, right? I don't believe you ever hinted at his age. I'm sure if he was a kid, he would've been all, "Ooh, I'm the chosen one? Cool!" For a bit, anyway, until he realizes it's hard work, and he begins to feel useless. A teenager would be more hesitant and doubtful about it than excited. Of course, you're not showing him as excited, but his friends are, and if they're older than I think they are, it's a bit out-of-place, unless that is how their characters work.

    Just a little heads-up for future chapters, though if you can, incorporate it into this chapter somehow.
    Winner of Best Pokémon/Pokémon Fic of 2013 in the Shipping Oscars
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kutie Pie View Post
    For one thing, if you're splitting up dialogue into two different paragraphs, you don't close off the second paragraph with quotations. You insert a new paragraph with quotations at the beginning, and continue from there.
    That was actually a problem that occurred when I edited areas. I can't believe I never noticed it when I proof read though. I did it several times. xP



    Quote Originally Posted by Kutie Pie View Post
    The elder forgetting Emmett's name is quite funny xD. I wonder if it'll become a running gag.

    The bolded part is worded awkwardly. It doesn't sound correct when you say "I have so much life to live" out-loud. How about "I have so much to do" instead? If you're not sure about how something is phrased, how about saying it out-loud to yourself and see if it sounds fine or awkward? Though I did check with a Word document for grammar, and it didn't get underlined, which is odd. Still, it sounds off, so I'd change that.

    Oh, and you keep capitalizing the first word that's not a name or title after the dialogue, and you (almost) always end a piece of dialogue that's not a question or exclamation in a comma. This doesn't apply to the above quoted, it's everywhere in this chapter, and previous.
    I think I've fixed the way that was worded. You're right though, it sounded weird.

    Now, I don't quite understand what you mean with the comma thing. I'm trying to see but it looks weird no matter how I put it. :/



    Quote Originally Posted by Kutie Pie View Post
    With exception of Unova, everything should be lowercase.


    Quote Originally Posted by Kutie Pie View Post
    It's "were".


    Quote Originally Posted by Kutie Pie View Post
    And you did it again here.


    Quote Originally Posted by Kutie Pie View Post
    Mmm, I don't think the emphasis on "that's" needed. It disturbs the flow for me.



    Quote Originally Posted by Kutie Pie View Post
    And I think you should only emphasis one of the words here. "Feel" will probably be the best one emphasized.
    Fixed all of these.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kutie Pie View Post
    And that's pretty much all what I saw. Not bad, I'm happy for you. You're well on your way. Now that we're on our way to the beginning of the journey, I'm excited to see where this goes from here. I hope you know what you're doing.

    Oh, yeah, it just came to my head. Emmett just found out he's "the one". He may be nervous here, but he's taking it quite well for someone who just discovered he'll save an entire region. I expected him to not believe it from the beginning. I mean, he's pretty young for an Eevee, right? I don't believe you ever hinted at his age. I'm sure if he was a kid, he would've been all, "Ooh, I'm the chosen one? Cool!" For a bit, anyway, until he realizes it's hard work, and he begins to feel useless. A teenager would be more hesitant and doubtful about it than excited. Of course, you're not showing him as excited, but his friends are, and if they're older than I think they are, it's a bit out-of-place, unless that is how their characters work.

    Just a little heads-up for future chapters, though if you can, incorporate it into this chapter somehow.
    Each of the friends have a different personality. Emmett is just about becoming a teen but he acts slightly older than he is at times. But all of them are pretty young at heart. Of course, with Cheshire, you've probably already noticed that he's really enthusiastic about everything, being younger than the rest of them.

    On another note, I do have most of the story planned out (Hehe, really excited about the next chapter). I even know basically what will happen in the end. However, this may change depending on how the rest of my story goes.

    Edit: I also meant to let you know, I'm planning on explaining things like their general ages and such in later chapters.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Takatheeducatedkid View Post
    That was actually a problem that occurred when I edited areas. I can't believe I never noticed it when I proof read though. I did it several times. xP
    Well, it looked really good, so you should've kept that so it doesn't look like a block of text.

    Now, I don't quite understand what you mean with the comma thing. I'm trying to see but it looks weird no matter how I put it. :/
    It's not weird, trust me. You're pretty much writing out a sentence with dialogue. Like this:

    Quote Originally Posted by example
    "Du-u-ude, that was totally awesome last night!" Billy-Bob hollered, smacking his friend, Joel, on the back in a playful matter.

    "It was nothing, really," Joel chuckled a bit, rubbing his head.

    "You kidding? Dude, you need to take classes, man." Billy-Bob smacked him again with a guffaw. "Wait `til I tell the others!"
    If you're still doubtful about it, this article should help.

    Each of the friends have a different personality. Emmett is just about becoming a teen but he acts slightly older than he is at times. But all of them are pretty young at heart. Of course, with Cheshire, you've probably already noticed that he's really enthusiastic about everything, being younger than the rest of them.

    On another note, I do have most of the story planned out (Hehe, really excited about the next chapter). I even know basically what will happen in the end. However, this may change depending on how the rest of my story goes.

    Edit: I also meant to let you know, I'm planning on explaining things like their general ages and such in later chapters.
    Glad to hear that. About the different personalities, I haven't exactly seen it just yet. I can see Zeus is a joker, but that's about it. So I hope to see more in-depth of their personality in the future.

    And mentioning their general age like pointing out one's fourteen, the other's thirteen, so on and so forth, probably isn't a good idea to mention blatantly like that. Giving hints and showing us how they act their age works the best.
    Winner of Best Pokémon/Pokémon Fic of 2013 in the Shipping Oscars
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    Chapter 3 ~ Setting Off

    The morning sun was just coming up as Moon was awoken by the sounds of pots and pans clinking, water running and the delicious smell of Custap Berry Pancakes. He could almost taste the creamy, sweet flavor of the Custap Berries mixed with the taste of soft spongy pancake… A small, bright beam of sunlight peeked through the small square window beside his neat yellow bed and onto his face as he opened his eyes. “Wait, how long have you been awake, Sun? L-Let me help!” Moon rolled out of bed and quickly got to his feet.

    “No, it’s okay. Really,” Sun set the delightful smelling pancakes on the small wooden table in the middle of the room, “The pancakes are already made.” She smiled.

    “You work too hard. You should really take the time to think about yourself you know that?” Moon pointed out, smiling back at her. “It’s been the same ever since we arrived here in Transform Village. Even though you’re younger, you always seem to get all the chores and cooking done quickly and efficiently. I envy you sometimes.”

    “That’s what younger sisters are for, Moon. Big brothers are supposed to be all lazy and let their sisters do all the cooking,” Sun teased as she sat down on a blue cushion beside the table. “Besides, I couldn’t sleep so I thought it would be a good idea to get an early start at making breakfast.” She took a bite of pancake, thoroughly enjoying it.

    A gentle breeze swayed the tall grass as the sun rose a little farther into the sky.Cheshire sped through the village on his way to the Elder's house. “So much to do today! So much, so much!” he excited himself as he ran. Skidding to a stop at his destination, he knocked on the door.

    “Yes?” the familiar voice of the elderly Eevee answered from inside.

    “It’s Cheshire!” Cheshire said loudly in reply.

    The door creaked open as the old Eevee smiled upon his guest. “Come in and make yourself right at home.” He stroked the almost beardlike fur around his neck.

    “Thank you.” Cheshire walked in. “Oh, I nearly forgot! I brought you some Enigma Berries. I heard from my dad that you make your tea with them; I was wondering if you would teach me how to make it?” He held up the little gray berries. They had intricate cream-colored swirls decorating them and they smelled very spicy.

    “Hm hm hm!” the Elder chuckled as he fuzzed the Eevee’s head. “Of course I can teach you, young one. It’s the least I can do in return for your company.” His voice was very soft.

    “Really?” Cheshire’s eyes sparkled; he was overjoyed.

    Everyone in Transform Village was slowly waking up and beginning to do things. The air was fresh and crisp, the flowers smelled sweet and the sun was getting brighter. Aqua and Zeus sat at the tree stump, talking. “So, how do you think Emmett is doing?” Aqua asked.

    “I’m sure he’s fine.” Zeus answered, yawning. “He’s a tough kid.”

    “Yeah, I suppose you’re right. Oh hey, did you pack anything? You know, in case we do get to accompany Emmett on his totally awesome adventure?” Aqua swung her tail fin back and forth.

    “I wouldn’t get your hopes up.” Zeus closed his eyes. “Hmm, everyone usually meets us here at this time. They’re not sleeping in on us are they?”

    “Who’s sleeping in?” Cheshire screamed from behind Zeus. “Oh guys guess what? I know how to make the Elder’s amazing tea now! He taught me!”

    “That’s great Cheshire! You have to share some with me sometime!” Aqua’s mouth watered.

    “Sure!” Cheshire was about to say when Sun and Moon arrived.

    “Hey, sorry we’re late. Sun crashed at the breakfast table after we ate so I figured I would let her sleep a bit after working so hard cooking recently.” Moon explained.

    “…Hey, where’s Emmett?” Sun asked, rubbing her eyes as she caught up with her brother.

    “My guess is sleeping in. I mean he kind of did just figure out he’s got to save the region. It’s probably been on his mind all night.” Zeus pointed out.

    “Poor Emmett. We should go try to cheer him up.” Sun suggested.

    Aqua jumped down from the tree stump. “Yeah!”

    “Let’s get Emmett to roll out of bed then.” Zeus half-smiled.

    “Alright! I hope this is easy though.” Cheshire ran in a circle then followed Aqua, who was already on her way there.

    “Ok then.” Moon smiled as he followed the rest of the gang.

    But by the time they had arrived, Emmett was already packing his things. And his parents were reminding him left and right what to bring. The door to the cozy one-room house was left wide open, the light draft blowing the window curtains gently back and forth.

    “Emmett, what happened?” Zeus asked as he entered behind Aqua, followed by the rest of his friends. “Are… you okay?”

    “I thought it over,” Emmett answered. “And I decided you guys are right. Not everyone gets to go on an epic adventure; Mom and Dad think so too.”

    “Awesome!” Aqua exclaimed leaping up onto the Eevee’s bed and waving her tail around. “So, it’s okay for us to come, right?” she asked.

    “Of course it is!” he continued packing. “I would die without you guys!” normally he would have yelled at Aqua for sitting in his bed, but he was too busy packing to notice.

    “So Cheshire already told you?” a voice came from behind them all, in the doorway. It was the Village Elder. “Is this a going away party then?” he chuckled.

    “Oh! Elder!” Emmett stuffed the last of his things in his bag and ran over. “I’m sorry, Cheshire didn’t tell me anything… I was eavesdropping.” he admitted.

    “Oh no, I was already aware. I just wanted to see what you kids would do!” The old Eevee laughed heartily as the friends exchanged looks. “But, in all seriousness,” he continued. “This map, I want you to follow it. I’m sure you’ll know what to do when you reach Victory Road.”

    “Right.” Emmett nodded as he took the map and scanned it over.

    “Are you ready, young Emile?” the Elder asked, happy to see the Eevee so determined.

    The moment died.

    Cheshire face-palmed.

    “…Emile?” Zeus raised an eyebrow.

    “It’s… It’s Emmett.” Emmett corrected him.

    The Elder didn’t seem like he was paying attention. “Yes well, let’s go, Emile, your journey awaits you and your friends!”

    Emmett gave up trying to correct the old Eevee. He picked up his bag and bounced up the stairs and out his front door as the rest followed.

    “Be safe, darling.” his mother said as she wiped tears from her eyes.

    Most of the town was there to see them off. All of their parents were waving goodbye as they left, following the forest path along the dotted lines on the map. Pretty soon, the cheers and goodbyes of the family and friends in the village were gone. It was sad and exciting at the same time. They had been through this forest many times, but it felt different this time, however. For they wouldn’t be returning to Transform Village for a long time.






    And so that ends this chapter. I hope there's not too many mess-ups, I proof read but I'll bet I missed something. xP

    The chapter actually ended up longer than I expected so the good part I'm excited for isn't going to happen until later but hey, you can't rush these things.

    And by the way, to all who have been waiting, I am so sorry it took this long! I've been really busy recently and haven't gotten a chance to write a whole lot. Dx
    Last edited by Takatheeducatedkid; 28th September 2012 at 4:50 PM.
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    Hauuuuu, I finally got to reviewing this X_x. So, so sorry it took me this long to look at it. And the fact that this chapter is rather short... I really had no real excuse outside of school work, I had plenty of free time. *ashamed*

    All righty then, without further ado, time to correct some grammar, and maybe make a comment on a scene or two...

    Quote Originally Posted by Takatheeducatedkid View Post
    “No, it’s okay. Really,” Sun set the delightful smelling pancakes on the small wooden table in the middle of the room. “The pancakes are already made.” she smiled.
    This is a bit of an awkward grammar error, since technically it would be correct, but only if you had a comma at the end of "room" instead of a period, and didn't have the "t" in "the" capitalized in her dialogue. But as the sentence was longer than it should be in a continuation as that, if you don't want to change or shorten anything, placing a period at the end there would work best. And because there's a period at the end of the second half of her dialogue, the "s" in "she" need's to be capitalized.

    “You work too hard. You should really take the time to think about yourself you know that?” Moon pointed out, smiling back at her. “It’s been the same ever since we arrived here in Transform Village. Even though you’re younger you always seem to get all the chores and cooking done quickly and efficiently. I envy you sometimes.”

    “That’s what younger sisters are for, Moon. Big brothers are supposed to be all lazy and let their sisters do all the cooking,” Sun teased as she sat down on a blue cushion beside the table. “Besides, I couldn’t sleep so I thought it would be a good idea to get an early start at making breakfast.” she took a bite of pancake, thoroughly enjoying it.
    D'awwwwww, Sun's comment was cute XD.

    A comma needs to be between "younger" and "you", and same as above comment on "she".

    A gentle breeze swayed the tall grass as the sun rose a little farther into the sky. A young Eevee sped through the village on his way to the Elder’s house. It was Cheshire.
    The transition itself is not too awkward, but to show us that a young Eevee is speeding through to the Elder's place and then tell us it was Cheshire is a bit... not redundant, but a bit obvious, I guess. We know Cheshire works (I think works) for the Elder, so it would've been better to say, "Cheshire sped through the village on his way to the Elder's house."

    The door creaked open as the old Eevee smiled upon his guest. “Come in and make yourself right at home.” he stroked the almost beardlike fur around his neck.
    Forgot to capitalize "he". And I like that little gesture tic there, seeing things like that is always a plus.

    “Oh, I nearly forgot! I brought you some Enigma Berries. I heard from my dad that you make your tea with them; I was wondering if you would teach me how to make it?” he held up the little gray berries.
    Same as above correction.

    “Hm hm hm!” the Elder chuckled as he fuzzed the Eevee’s head. “Of course I can teach you, young one. It’s the least I can do in return for your company.” his voice was very soft.
    And again here. I'm noticing a pattern of forgotten capitalization here. You seem to be doing this every other sentence/paragraph, mostly when it comes to the end of dialogue. I don't doubt you're proof-reading, but you should keep a sharper eye out for things like this.

    I've also noticed some odd scene transitions. One moment, you're in Moon and Sun's house, then suddenly we cut to Cheshire running to the Elder's house for his daily work... or whatever, and now we're just finding out everyone in the village is waking up and that the air's pretty good, as are the flowers. The two sentences would've been better at the beginning of the story, for one thing, even though we see that Aqua and Zeus are outside.

    Transitions rely on the flow of a story to carry it through to a new scene. The transitioning has to connect in some form or another, or it looks choppy, and disturbs the flow. This is different for every reader, but when I read, I imagine it play out in my head, images and all. Reading about a cute brother-sister moment and then suddenly jump-cutting without a "fade-in" to Cheshire running to the house is a bit jolting, if not jarring. It's a rather awkward edit.

    And of course, you're only really spending little time with these characters and in their homes doing daily morning things before going to the next. That bit of rushing isn't going to do well when it comes to character development. As it's obvious these characters are going to be with us throughout the story, we should at least have the opportunity to get to know them a little bit better as individuals and not with the others.

    Make sense?

    Aqua and Zeus sat at the tree stump, talking. “So, how do you think Emmett is doing?” Aqua asked.
    Some redundancy going on here. We don't need to be reminded twice they're talking, so you can replace the first sentence with, "Aqua and Zeus sat together at the tree stump, getting a little antsy." Something like that.

    “Who’s sleeping in?” Cheshire screamed from behind Zeus.
    Um... if he was screaming at Zeus from behind, it would be more like, "Who's sleeping in?!" But then I have to wonder why it is he's screaming and why the reaction of Zeus is absent. It would make for a funny scene if Aqua and Zeus were talking for a little bit longer and thus making Cheshire's random pop-in look more timed.

    “Hey, sorry we’re late. Sun crashed at the breakfast table after we ate so I figured I would let her sleep a bit after working so hard cooking recently.” Moon explained.
    *sing-song voice* Exposition, exposition. Rush it out ASAP.

    Taka, dear, no one likes exposition served through a dialogue box when it had an opportunity to be shown. We should've actually seen this when we were with them in the beginning because it fits perfectly.

    “My guess is sleeping in. I mean he kind of did just figure out he’s got to save the region. It’s probably been on his mind all night.” Zeus pointed out.
    Should be a comma instead.

    “Poor Emmett. We should go try to cheer him up.” Sun suggested.
    Same here.

    “Let’s get Emmett to roll out of bed then.” Zeus half-smiled.
    Probably here, though if you wish to keep it a period, perhaps add a bit more to "Zeus half-smiled", like maybe a subtle movement or something.

    “Alright! I hope this is easy though.” Cheshire ran in a circle then followed Aqua, who was already on her way there.
    I'm... confuzzled. Why did he run in a circle? Was there a reason for him to do that?

    Ok then.” Moon smiled as he followed the rest of the gang.
    In dialogue and narration, it should be written out as "okay", as "OK" is just an abbreviation.

    But by the time they had arrived, Emmett was already packing his things. And his parents were reminding him left and right what to bring.
    Conjunction, junction, what's your function?

    Hooking up words and phrases and clauses.


    Because of this, it's generally awkward having them as the first word like that. Also, because of that, the paragraph and exposition sounds forced and/or lazy. We should've actually seen Emmett pack and having his parents remind him of things without his friends getting there.

    And I want to talk about his parents. I don't think we ever saw them prior to this chapter. We should've actually seen a conversation between him and his parents about this revelation prior to him packing up for this journey that may kill him. I don't know how it is they can be very supportive of this if Emmett is a rather young Eevee.

    “I thought it over,” Emmett answered. “And I decided you guys are right. Not everyone gets to go on an epic adventure; Mom and Dad think so too.”
    ...whaaaaaa?

    Refer to the exposition chant up there. We should've seen this decision being made a chapter earlier, or at least this should've been done at the beginning of the chapter when it was the previous night or whatever. We can't just assume Emmett went home and this happened:

    --

    "Mom, Dad, I've been chosen to go on this epic adventure to save the world," Emmett announced as he entered the house.

    "Oh, that's nice, honey," his mother said at the table without looking over her shoulder. "When are you leaving?"

    "Tomorrow," the kit replied, heading for his room.

    "Alright, son," his father said half-heartedly, reading his newspaper. "Make sure you have everything ready."

    "We'll be rooting for you," his wife (or mate, however you view it) added.

    --

    That sounds a bit off, doesn't it? Yeah, that's what I envisioned just hearing this from Emmett's own exposition.

    This chapter could've been a lot longer now that I'm picking this apart. Short chapters doesn't necessarily mean it's a good chapter if you leave out rather important details.

    “Of course it is!” he continued packing. “I would die without you guys!” normally he would have yelled at Aqua for sitting in his bed, but he was too busy packing to notice.
    Capitalize normally and "he" unless you add something else after "he". Then there's the issue of pointing out that he would've yelled (really harsh word there) at Aqua for sitting on his bed, but as he's packing, he didn't notice her there. Um... perhaps you could've said earlier here:

    --

    “Awesome!” Aqua exclaimed. She took the risk of leaping up onto the Eevee’s bed, knowing he wouldn't have been happy with her on his bed. As he was too busy packing to notice, she relaxed and waved her tail around."

    --

    Looks a bit better, doesn't it?

    Moving on.

    “Are you ready, young Emile?” the Elder asked, happy to see the Eevee so determined.

    The moment died.

    Cheshire face-palmed.

    “…Emile?” Zeus raised an eyebrow.

    “It’s… It’s Emmett.” Emmett corrected him.

    The Elder didn’t seem like he was paying attention. “Yes well, let’s go, Emile, your journey awaits you and your friends!”

    Emmett gave up trying to correct the old Eevee.
    The moment would've been a little bit more funny if you perhaps left out "the moment died", or replaced it with "An awkward silence fell upon them".

    "Be safe, darling.” his mother said as she wiped tears from her eyes.
    ...

    Sorry, but I want to do this.

    --

    "Yes, please do be safe even though your father and I have just heard of this rather recently. I'm not going to argue with the Elder about this dangerous decision either, because even though he may be senile, he is our Elder, and thus is the wisest of all of us. You're in our thoughts every day. Also, please do not be shocked to find a new sibling if you come home alive and well."

    "Too much information, Mom."

    "Did I say sibling? I mean bedroom."

    Most of the town was there to see them off. All of their parents were waving goodbye as they left, following the forest path along the dotted lines on the map.
    Wait... all of Emmett's friends actually do have parents, but we never saw them mentioned (that I can remember), nor have we seen them in conversation with their children about going on a perilous journey with another friend whose parents may or may not have had a conversation with either.

    ...

    I'm sad to say that this is the worst chapter of the story thus far. You were either rushing through this, or you remembered parents and had to stuff them in here at some point in order to make this a bit more...

    Well, honestly, the parents could've been shown at the beginning of the chapter, or at least when you're switching between scenes to show what everyone is doing and they're having discussions with their parents about this. I expected at least one of them to have a parent who refused, and because they really wanted to support Emmett, they snuck out and the angry parent rushes out to stop them.

    That honestly would've helped this chapter along was the obstacles of their parents. In fact, that was what this chapter should've been about in between them getting ready for the journey. We should've seen the parents talk to their children and then have some conflict going on. I mean... are they even children to begin with? I don't think you really established this, but as they go out into the fields to play, it's proof enough to me they're pretty young Eevee. So it would make sense for their parents to have a lot of concern about this sudden revelation, and that would've made the chapter more interesting to read.

    So... yeah. You can re-write this chapter if you want, but that's really the main issue with this chapter was how rushed it felt, how unrealistic, and how dull it is. I know this is your first story and everything, but every little detail counts. You need to make sure you ask yourself questions that readers would ask as well. I imagine that the parents would play a big part in the beginning because of their age, and I expect that at least one of these characters would express homesickness and wish they stayed home, and/or that they miss their parents. I don't know how long this journey is, but I expect some time and days to go by, as well as their strengths and health.

    I don't know how far along you are on with chapter four, but I suggest writing it carefully so something like this doesn't happen again, because it'll come bite you in the butt later on at a time and place where you don't want it to happen. Understand?

    Good luck, Taka.
    Winner of Best Pokémon/Pokémon Fic of 2013 in the Shipping Oscars
    Current Chapter: Chapter Ten - 3/17/14 / Current: Last Chance - 11/3/11 - Chapter 20 progress: 75%
    I survived Pupa.

  17. #17
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    Hmm, wow, this chapter was to be blunt, a piece of crap. I have to get my facts straight and rewrite that thing. Man, I've got a lot of work to do. I really don't blame you if you had to shield your eyes while attempting to read all that mess.

    I think I was trying to rush to finish the chapter because I didn't want too much time to pass before I did. But I also think, that was a bad idea. I'll have to try and take my time from now on. Luckily I hadn't even started the fourth chapter so I can take more time to fix this one. Thank you for pointing out my mistakes yet again. c:
    +An Eevee's Tale, the Smallest of Eevees+

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  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Takatheeducatedkid View Post
    Hmm, wow, this chapter was to be blunt, a piece of crap. I have to get my facts straight and rewrite that thing. Man, I've got a lot of work to do. I really don't blame you if you had to shield your eyes while attempting to read all that mess.
    I actually didn't notice the badness of it until I was writing out the review and re-reading it through.

    Honestly, if you feel the chapter is a piece of crap, perhaps you could've tried to see what you could've fixed before posting it up here. There's a thing a lot of writers have where once they write a chapter, they can feel something deep down inside them that lets them know if the chapter is finished or not. It's like a sense of satisfaction or victory, but everyone has different interpretations of it. Since you're still new, it's going to take a bit before you start recognizing this feeling. You might've actually felt this, but didn't know what it exactly was.

    I think I was trying to rush to finish the chapter because I didn't want too much time to pass before I did. But I also think, that was a bad idea. I'll have to try and take my time from now on. Luckily I hadn't even started the fourth chapter so I can take more time to fix this one. Thank you for pointing out my mistakes yet again. c:
    And now you know what happens when you rush through a story ;P.

    Oh, what a coincidink XD. Well then, you get right on that rewrite, and then you will have only the newest chapter to worry about. Unless you want a critique on the rewritten chapter as well, your choice. Good luck, Taka!
    Winner of Best Pokémon/Pokémon Fic of 2013 in the Shipping Oscars
    Current Chapter: Chapter Ten - 3/17/14 / Current: Last Chance - 11/3/11 - Chapter 20 progress: 75%
    I survived Pupa.

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