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Thread: Dark Waters[NCTH Fic] [Pg-13/13/15]

  1. #1
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    Default Dark Waters[NCTH Fic] [Pg-13/13/15]

    So this is my fanfic, Dark Waters, an NCTH/Journeymen verse fic. It explains the story of Nate, the Dark Elite Four member. For more info on this verse, check out the fic League Of Heroes by Feralninja. [I...don't know how to link.]
    ~~
    Chapter 1:Nate has entered the brawl!

    The young boy looked up at the teenage male, who was dressed oddly in a yellow and black jumpsuit. There was a loop of some sort attached to the waist of the jumpsuit, with 4 Pokeballs clipped to it. Nate was awed by the Trainer, and with good reason. His mother despised Pokemon training and battling, calling it 'barbaric.' She did however, enjoy Contests, and had once been an accomplished Coordinator. It was a surprise to Nate that his mother had ever fallen in love with his father, the Petalburg Gym Leader. The two had split up after Nate's mother had been unable to tolerate Norman's life as a Gym Leader. Nate and his mother now lived in Fallarbor Town. Thanks to his mother's aversion to training, he had never met another Trainer besides his father. Well, at least not one that he'd ever been able to have a conversation with. The taller male, who had spiky platinum blond hair was looking at Nate rather irritably. "D' you want something, kid?"

    Nate nodded. "Um...HI! I'm Nate!"

    "...I am Keyo."

    "That's a weird name," Nate commented. "You're a Trainer, right?" Another nod came from Keyo. Nate's eyes lit up. "What kind of Pokemon do you train?"

    "All kinds; mostly the Eeveelutions."

    "Can I see?"

    Keyo sighed and stepped back, taking a Pokeball off the loop. He pressed the button and it expanded. He tossed the Pokeball up into the air. "Come on out, Mercury." The Pokeball opened with a flash of white light, which faded to reveal a Vaporeon, which regarded Nate calmly. "Vaporeon..." came it's high pitched cry.

    Nate's eyes lit up again. "That is so cool!"

    Keyo shrugged. "Whatever. Let's go, Mercury." The trainer and his Vaporeon walked off, leaving Nate standing there. That settled it. He was going to be a Trainer, and nothing was going to stop him.


    4 Years Later

    Nate smiled to himself as that memory came back to him, then sighed irritably. He had just turned 14 a few days ago, and as a present, his Mom had told him they were moving to Littleroot Town, to be closer to where his father lived. He was excited, but to get to Littleroot Town, Nate was stuck in the back of the moving van with all the boxes. He winced as they hit a speed bump, then again as a small box fell and bonked him on the head. Eventually, however, the ride was over and the door to the back of the van opened up. Nate hopped out of the back of the van as the Vigoroth that the movers owned moved in to start taking out the boxes. Nate stretched and adjusted his hat. His Mom came out of the house-Nate would never figure out how his Mom had gotten there first- and smiled at her son. He was of average height, at about 5'7,'' and was rather skinny, although you couldn't tell due to the fact that he always wore a pair of baggy jeans and an equally baggy black pull-over hooded sweatshirt, the sleeves of which covered about half of his hands. He wore a black skull cap with a red pokeball symbol on it, and underneath, you could see his long purple hair stick out a couple of inches. He blinked his crimson eyes and looked around.

    "So....this is Littleroot Town, huh?" He didn't seem all that impressed with the small town and wordlessly followed his mother into their new house, which was rather small, but cozy. He nodded absentmindedly as his mother spoke to him and went to check out his new room. It was nothing special, kinda bare bones. There was a red carpet in the middle, with a plain bed off to the side, along with a small TV, and a desk with PC atop it. He turned his attention to the new clock that hung on his wall, and set it to the correct time. He went back downstairs, and his attention was caught by the TV. The news was showing an interview with his father, but before he could hear what they were saying, his mother turned the tv off. She smiled at him, not noticing how irritated he was by her actions.

    "Our next-door neighbors have a daughter about your age. You should go meet her," she said to him. Nate rolled his eyes, but he needed an excuse to leave the house anyways. He was going to the Birch Pokemon Lab and get a starter pokemon, whether his mother liked it or not. He nodded wordlessly and left to go next door. Of course, in a rural town such as this, "next door" meant a 10 minute walk down a dirt road. He knocked on the door of the first house he came to, a woman that looked to be in her mid-thirties answered the door. She smiled widely.

    "Oh, you must be the son of our new neighbor!" she exclaimed. "Our daughter is upstairs in her room! Go on up and talk to her!"
    Nate blinked at her friendliness and willingness to allow him into her home, but quickly walked in and moved upstairs. He peeked into the open door of the first room he came across. It looked exactly the same as his, except with a few Pokedolls scattered around here and there. He walked in and looked around, only to hear a voice behind him.

    "Who are you?" Nate wheeled around to find a girl that indeed looked to be his age, with longish brown hair, a red bandanna tied to her head, with a matching red vest and black bike shorts and some kinda weird white skirt thing, which seemed to be held up only by the fanny pack she wore. He blinked and smiled at her in what he hoped by a friendly manner.

    "Sorry, your mom said you'd be upstairs...I'm Nate, your new neighbor."
    The girl's initial mistrust seemed to vanish.

    "Oh, you're the new kid! Norman's kid, right?" Before Nate could answer, she rambled on. "I'm so glad there's a new kid in town!" She walked up to him and grabbed his hand, shaking it. "I'm May! I'm sure we'll be great friends!...Oh! I'm supposed to be helping my dad! Bye now!" And with that, she rushed off. Nate stood there blinking.

    "...What just...happened?" he asked himself. He shook his head. He made his way back downstairs and turned to May's mother. "Would you happen to know where the Birch Pokemon Lab is?" he asked her.

    "Of course! Professor Birch is my husband!" She handed him a map of Littleroot Town. "Just use this, instead, it's much easier than listening to me!"
    He thanked her and left. He checked the map and eagerly made his way towards the Lab.

    Unfortunately, he wasn't there, and according to his assistant, was off doing research. He sighed, standing outside the Lab and began to walk off in a random direction. After wandering for about an hour, he approached the northern boundary of the town, which led to Route 101. He walked up to the boundary between Route and Town, staring into the distance. He suddenly heard sounds, coming from the route, and ran in the direction of the sound. To the west, the ground dropped off into a small slope, which could be easily slid down. Below was a large open field, with a single lonely tree in the middle of it. In the tree, was a middle-aged man, with brown hair and a goatee. He wore a lab coat, and Nate instantly recognized him as Professor Birch. At the bottom of the tree was a barking Zigzagoon, which had apparently driven the Professor into the tree.

    "Are you okay?" Nate called out.

    The Professor looked up. "In my bag at the bottom of the slope, there are Pokemon! Use one of them to drive the Zigzagoon away!"

    Nate nodded and slid down the slope and opened the bag. Inside were two Pokeballs, both were marked with stickers, one to signify water and the other to signify fire. Nate had already decided he wanted to be a water type master-he thought water-types were the most elegant of all Pokemon and that had influenced him. He grabbed the one marked with the water sticker. He tossed it out and it opened up, a white burst of light emerging and forming into a Pokemon, which was revealed to be a Mudkip. It blinked as it looked around. "Mud....kip?" it said questioningly. Nate stared at it, his thoughts were how cute it was. He quickly regained his senses and took a deep breath. This was his first Pokemon battle ever, and he was definitely ready.

    "Alright...let's do this!"
    ~~
    So..yeah. There's Chapter 1. So...yeah. Reviews with Constructive criticism is greatly welcomed, and most likely needed. I hope it was good, though. New chapters will be posted...well....eventually. Yeah.
    Last edited by TheNorthWind; 30th March 2012 at 9:45 PM.

  2. #2
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    Interesting... Not like any of the others. Just a couple of things to consider: if you're doing a journey fic resembling the Hoenn games so much have at least a few major differences. Oh, and if you need an additional rival or a traveling companion for Nate...
    I've gotten into IV Breeding. I'll breed any Pokemon that can, just ask and I'll see what I can do!


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    Great start can't wait to find out more about Nate and his story to become Dark type Elite Four of the NCTH keep up the good work.
    My Black Friend Code is 2494-8412-9545 and my name on Black is Trysten.
    This is my badge for the NCTH to earn it you have to challenge the League and defeat me in a battle. Credit goes to Glover for the badge.
    And here's the link to my fic http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...irth-of-a-Hero

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    Muhhphuhka, Now I gotta write a fanfic just to explain who I am, thanks alot Nate, thanks alot
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    Review wise, I didn't see a whole lot in the Spelling and Grammar department right off, so good on you for that.

    platinum blond hair
    I
    ve always seen it spelled "blonde" but it may be a regional thing.


    The news was showing an interview with his father, but before he could what they were saying,
    Missed a word there, possibly "make out" or "hear".

    braking Zigzagoon
    Given the'yre evolutions pentions for straifght lines, braking is an ironic fit, although I believe the word you want is "barking".



    Quote Originally Posted by Keyo61491 View Post
    Muhhphuhka, Now I gotta write a fanfic just to explain who I am, thanks alot Nate, thanks alot
    Haven't you heard? Writing fanfic is practaically a requirement! Phht!

    Was I too far off base when I referred to Dr. Dote?

    ---
    That was a bit far from what I had thought you were planning to do. Yay for surprises, but I never understood why if Norman was the Gym Leader in Petalburg, why the family was in Littleroot. It's not a steelar introductoory chapter, though I'm not sure what kinds of finesse it needs, and there's still plenty to come in the next chapters. I'm with Blazi, truthfully, this is way to early to be critquing, but you're Nate! The NCTH guy! Dark Type extrordinaire! let's see something other than the typical humdrum Hoenn story. Show us what'cha got!

    Oh, and hpw to link: There's three options. The simplest is simply copy-pasting the link in, as you did on the Facebook page. Teh next easiest is to type out the titel fo the internet link, such as "link", then highlight it, and on the row of buttons on the screen you will see a blue circle that's supposed to be a globe with a yellow sideways B in front of it, or possibly a two-hole Brass Knuckle, I'm not sure which. Click on that, and in the pop-up, paste the url link. Lastly, you can do it manually, by typing out [url="www.Your internet link.whatever"]"The title of your internet link" and then the clsing /url in brackets as well. (I'm leavign them off the secpnd one so that the coding doesn't kick in)
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

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    There was loop of some sort attached to the waist of the jumpsuit
    A should be in between was and loop.

    "All kinds, mostly the Eeveelutions."
    A semicolon would work better than a comma here. This is a term that fans use. No one in the games, anime or manga (that I know of) uses it.

    There was a red carpet int he middle
    The t from the stuck to the end of in.

    but before he could what they were saying
    You're missing a word in this one. As Glover said, make out or hear would be perfect after could.

    "Our next-door neighbors have a daughter about your age, you should go meet her,"
    The comma after age should be a period. These are two different sentences.

    In the tree, was a middle-aged man, with brown hair and goatee.
    Missing a after and

    At the bottom of the tree was a braking Zigzagoon
    Barking maybe?

    That's about all I found. It wasn't too long of a chapter. The grammar errors were very small and there weren't many of them. The description could be tuned up a bit. I noticed you didn't describe what any of the Pokemon look like. I'd like to know what they look like. I haven't played a Hoenn game in years so my memory may be foggy. So far it looks like I'm playing through Emerald again. Nothing really different from that aside from the kid telling you Birch was in trouble. I've seen a lot of these NCTH fan fictions around and only read Glover's so I can't comment based on the other ones. Too early to give a definite ruling on it. I'll check back in later. If you are in need of any help then let me know. We can bounce ideas off each other. Until then.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

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    Right. Well, I've fixed most of the typos, if not all.
    Also, I plan to give this story more life than just an Emerald playthrough. If anything, the "Game-based" chapters will be modified, if only slightly to give the story more life to it.

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    So, Chapter 2. I don't like the way it started out, but I hope it gets better later. Unfortunately, another "Game-based" Chapter, but I hope it's still entertaining to read. Also, if anybody is wondering, this fic takes place about 4 years before the beginning of League of Heroes by Feralninja, so...yeah. There's that timeline for ya.
    ~~
    The Beginning

    The Zigzagoon turned around, and noticed the boy and the Mudkip who were standing a few feet away. Zigzagoon was a rather odd-looking Pokemon, its brown and white fur, sticking out at intervals in a zigzag pattern, with a black marking across its face, making it look like some sort of fusion between a raccoon and a pinecone.

    Of course, Mudkip was also rather odd-looking, but then again most Pokemon are. A blue body with a fin sticking out of the tip of its head and orange spiky cheeks along with a light blue tail fin type thing. The Pokemon turned around to look at Nate, who had yet to call an attack.

    "Um...right. Try...Water Gun?"

    The Mudkip opened its mouth and a jet of pressurized water shot forth at the Zigzagoon, who dodged it. The Zigzagoon then came rushing at Mudkip, moving back and forth in a zigzag pattern, which it was well known for. Nate recognized this as Tackle attack.

    "Dodge it, and then follow it up with another Water Gun!"

    Mudkip jumped nimbly to the side, just barely dodging the attack. It dug its feet into the ground to create drag to bring it to a stop quicker, then shot another Water Gun at the Raccoon Pokemon, who once again dodged nimbly.

    Nate scowled. "Try a Tackle attack!"

    This proved to be a mistake, as the Zigzagoon neatly stepped out of path of the charging Mudkip and simply slammed itself into Mudkip's side. The Mud Fish Pokemon managed to stand, but it was clear that Zigzagoon's attack had done a lot of damage.

    Nate was confused. Mudkip knew Water Gun, which meant it was clearly at a higher level than the Zigzagoon, yet the wild Pokemon was still winning. That was when the obvious answer dawned on him. Speed. The Zigzagoon was clearly too fast for Mudkip to keep up with.

    At the moment, the Raccoon Pokemon was charging for another Tackle. Nate waited until almost the last second before commanding another Water Gun. Mudkip once again shot forth the jet of water, but this time, with the two Pokemon so close to each other; it struck at point blank range, sending the Zigzagoon flying. It landed heavily, and when it stood up, it fled, having had enough.

    Nate grinned. "Great job, Mudkip!" Mudkip cried happily and leaped onto Nate's head as Professor Birch climbed down from the tree and approached them.

    "I would just like to thank you for saving me!" he exclaimed.

    Nate blinked. "How did you let that happen anyways? It's just a raccoon...pinecone...thing....It's a Raccone!"

    The Professor blinked and then shook his head. "Anyways, come with me to my lab."

    It took a while, but eventually they stood in the Professor's lab. He smiled at Nate. "As thanks for helping me out back there, I'd like you to keep the Mudkip."

    Nate reached up and removed the small blue Pokemon from his head and blinked before breaking into a smile. "Thanks!"

    The Professor then handed him a Pokedex, which Nate quickly registered in his name, and then scanned Mudkip with it. It turned out his Mudkip had a Quiet nature, which explained why it was rather slow. It also turned out to be female. A screen then popped up asking if he would like to nickname his Mudkip. He thought for a while, and then entered the name Emerald. The Pokedex confirmed this, and then displayed a screen reading "Pokemon registered as part of traveling party."

    Nate blinked then looked up at the Professor. "So, what now?"

    "Well, it's your choice, but I'd suggest challenging the gyms. The closest one, of course, is in Petalburg City."

    The Trainer nodded, and took his leave. As he made his way back to Route 101, he wondered whether he should stop at home, to tell his mother he was leaving, but decided against it. His mother would never understand his dream, and might even prevent him from leaving. As he approached the town's border, he heard someone running up to him. It was May.

    "I heard my Dad gave you a Pokemon-Oh!" She stopped as she noticed the Mudkip atop his head.

    "Yep, this is new partner, Emerald."

    She smiled a bit. "Hey, you don't have a bag…aren't you going to stop at home and get one?"

    He looked away. "My mom wouldn't approve of me being a Trainer...I decided to avoid that whole scene..."

    May nodded. "I understand...oh! Wait here!" She ran off, only to return later with a red messenger bag adorned with a black Pokeball symbol on the flap, kind of a reverse of Nate's hat. "I bought this a while back, but I never used it. You can have it!"

    Nate blinked and took the bag. "Um...thanks." He put it over his shoulder, the strap resting on his left shoulder. He placed his Pokeballs inside one of its pockets, and then adjusted the strap to make it more comfortable. "There."

    May smiled at him again. "Would you like to travel together for a little bit?"

    He shrugged. "Well...sure why not." He then placed Emerald on the ground. "No sitting on my head." She of course ignored him, and leaped atop his head anyways. He sighed, while May giggled. He shoved his hands into the pocket of his sweatshirt and began walking with May beside him. As he stepped onto Route 101 for the second time, he couldn't help but break out into a grin. His Pokemon journey was truly about to begin.
    ~~
    So, there it is Chapter 2. Hope it was good. Again, reviews are greatly appreciated. Also, the next couple of chapters should be a bit more original and depart from being wholly "Game Based" at least a bit. So...until next time.
    Last edited by TheNorthWind; 31st March 2012 at 7:14 PM.

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    Cool! Nice chapter. A couple of pointers. One, be sure to space the frequency of chapters being released so you can continue with that trend. It'll probably take longer to write once it branches off from the main story. Two, I really like the Emerald storyline and this seems like it will do it justice pretty well. Pretty good so far though.
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    Well, chapters will be released pretty frequently until it does branch off. As I type this, Chapter 3 is already completed, and I was about to start Chapter 4.
    As you may or may not know, I have too much time on my hands, so I can dedicate a lot of to this fic.
    -shrug-

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    Quote Originally Posted by :342: View Post
    Well, chapters will be released pretty frequently until it does branch off. As I type this, Chapter 3 is already completed, and I was about to start Chapter 4.
    As you may or may not know, I have too much time on my hands, so I can dedicate a lot of to this fic.
    -shrug-
    Wow. Nice determination, as with the next chapter of The Galactic Files I only have a few paragraphs done!
    I've gotten into IV Breeding. I'll breed any Pokemon that can, just ask and I'll see what I can do!


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    "I would just like to thank from saving me!" he exclaimed.
    It should read,

    "I would just like to thank you for saving me!" he exclaimed.
    Or something along those lines.

    Not much in this chapter. It was really short. Description was light and hardly there. It felt rushed like you were trying to get it over with as soon as possible. So is this fic following game canon or anime canon? I found it odd that he used the Pokedex to find out Mudkip's nature and entered her nickname in there as opposed to just telling her. Only difference in this chapter as opposed to the games was there was no battle with your rival and no talking to mom before leaving.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

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    I suppose it does feel a bit rushed going back to reread it, although I personally feel I spent a decent amount of time on it.
    Also, the fic follows mostly game canon, with a few anime elements added. And the Pokedex thing is borrowed from another fic, so..yeah.
    Last edited by TheNorthWind; 31st March 2012 at 7:23 PM.

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    Yeah, I'm going to agree with everyone and say that it does feel a bit rushed while reading through. But not bad; everyone starts from somewhere, and you've definitely gotten off to a decent start.

    I'm excited to see what you do with your battle scenes, which can be the hardest part of writing Pokemon fanfiction. You're doing alright with it so far, so let's just see where you take it from here.

    Overall, I'd say your biggest problem would be showing, not telling. You have the happy medium, where you kind of tell us what happens, but you still kind of show it, so just try to improve. I'll see if I can find some examples in your next chapter. (:

    All in all, you're off to a good start. I'll be back next chapter!

    (One last thing; I know the story is based at least partially off of Emerald, but it's a bit odd to name a female Mudkip Emerald. But that's whatever. XD)

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    Default On the road again...for the first time.

    Chapter 3...starts off shaky, but I think it gets better later. Also, for those of you wondering why the Mudkip is named Emerald, when I first played Emerald, my starter was a female Mudkip, which I named after the game, for whatever reason.
    ~~
    On the road again...for the first time.

    "It's gonna be about a 2 hour walk to Oldale Town," May commented while looking at her Pokenav. They had set up a small camp not along after leaving Littleroot Town on account of it being nighttime. It was now morning, and they were about to get moving.

    "Well, I guess we might as well-" he broke off as a wild Zigagoon sat in front of him, panting and wagging it's spiky tail. He blinked at it. "Um..." He suddenly realized that this was the Zigzagoon that he had defeated earlier. How he knew this, he would never know, but he knew it for sure. Before he could say anything else, however, the Raccoon Pokemon ran over to his bag and shuffled around the pockets for a little while before suddenly transforming into a mass of red light and disappearing inside his bag. His bag rustled for a few moments before becoming stationary. His Pokedex dinged and he removed it from his belt. Zigzagoon was now registered in his Pokedex, and it asked him if he would like to nickname it. Apparently, a Pokemon had just caught itself for him. He shrugged and entered the name Raccone. He then removed the Pokeball from his bag and clipped it to his belt.

    May had been silent throughout the events and now stood up. "Shall we get moving, then?"

    Nate nodded, and slung his bag over his shoulder. "Let's go."

    They walked for maybe half an hour before May stopped behind him. "Hey, Nate...how about a Pokemon battle?"

    He blinked at her. "Right now?"

    She nodded. "We both have two Pokemon, so why not? Besides, it's a good idea for you to get some practice in against an actual Trainer before challenging any gyms."

    He thought over what she said before nodding. "Alright, then. Let's do this...”

    She nodded and tossed out a Pokeball. "Let's go, Beautifly!"

    Nate blinked and pulled out his Pokedex. It scanned the Butterfly Pokemon and beeped, before reciting:"Beautifly, the Butterfly Pokémon. Beautifly is the evolved form of Silcoon. It loves sweet pollen and riding the spring breeze from flower to flower."

    "Well, then. Go, Emerald!" The Mudkip leaped off of his head and landed in front of him. It cried happily in anticipation of battle.

    May made the first move. "Use Absorb!" Beautifly's proboscis glowed red and shot out towards Emerald and wrapped around it tightly. Mudkip cried out as its energy was sapped.

    "Crap, this not good....Try water gun!" Emerald was in too much pain to do much of anything except struggle vainly. Then something odd happened. Emerald began to glow, the glow getting brighter with each second before exploding violently from the Mudkip's body, forcing Beautifly's proboscis off of it. The Butterfly Pokemon withdrew the appendage as Emerald landed on the ground, panting. "What in the hell was that?"

    May blinked. "I think your Mudkip just learned Bide!"

    Nate grinned. "Awesome. Now, Emerald, Water Gun!" The Mudkip shot out a jet of water, and the Beautifly, still concentrating on its sore proboscis, was hit dead center by the attack and hit the ground rather hard. "Now, Tackle!"

    Beautifly rose to the air only to take a Tackle to the body and hit the ground again. It was too much to take, and it didn't get up again, having fallen unconscious.

    Nate grinned. "Alright!"

    May scowled. "Beautifly, return!" She then grabbed her other Pokeball. "You won't be so lucky this time! Go, Treecko!" The green gecko Pokemon was released from its Pokeball and calmly stood at the ready.
    Nate pointed his Pokedex at the green Pokemon with its puffy green tail.
    "Treecko, the Wood Gecko Pokémon. Treecko is cool, calm, and collected - it never panics under any situation. If a bigger foe were to glare at this Pokémon, it would glare right back without conceding an inch of ground."

    "So, tough guy, eh? Emerald, return!" He withdrew his starter and threw out his other Pokemon. "Go, Raccone!"

    "Zigzagoon!" The Racoon Pokemon barked happily only to be forced to dodge as Treecko swung its tail at it without even being directed to use Pound.

    May sighed. "Sorry, he's a little...excitable."

    Nate nodded in understanding. "Right...well...Raccone, use Tackle!"

    The Raccoon Pokemon took off at top speed, running in its trademark zigzag pattern.

    "Treecko, Quick Attack!"
    The green gecko Pokemon launched itself forward at high speed, only to dodge at the last second, causing the Zigzagoon to brake suddenly, falling over in the process.

    "Use Pound!" Treecko launched itself at Zigzagoon, then jumped into the air and spun a little before coming down and slamming its tail into Raccone's body.

    "Zigzaa!" That attack clearly took a lot out of Raccone, but it still managed to stand up afterwards.

    "Damn it..." Nate muttered. This was going badly. Raccone wouldn't be able to take another hit like that, and Emerald was still pretty weak. He chewed on his lip for a moment.

    "Finish this with Quick Attack!" May yelled.

    Treecko once again zoomed towards Raccone at high speed. Nate suddenly grinned. He waited until the last second before shouting, "Dodge it!"
    Raccone barely managed to dodge the move, and Treecko sped right on by. "Now use Tackle!"

    Raccone obeyed the command, charging at Treecko. Treecko dug in its feet to stop, and turned only to take the attack straight to the chest, sending it flying.

    "Tackle again!"

    Raccone charged once again, this smashing into the Wood Gecko Pokemon just as it landed, sending it flying once more, and it smashed straight into a nearby tree. It slumped to the ground, unconscious.

    Nate fist pumped. "Great job!" Raccone leaped into his arms and barked excitedly, licking his face. He smiled and returned it to its Pokeball, and turned to see that May had done the same.

    She nodded a bit. "Great job, although that stunt you pulled will only work once."

    Nate shrugged. "I suppose. But we should get moving so we can get our Pokemon to a Pokemon Center."May nodded and they moved off again.
    It took a couple more hours, but they finally reached Oldale Town, a small community barely larger than Littleroot Town. They immediately made their way to the Pokemon Center to get their Pokemon treated. Once that was done, they rented one of the rooms upstairs. The room was nice enough, the carpet was clean, there were two beds, with a lamp on a small night table between the two beds, complete with a PC in the far corner of the small room.

    "Hm....not bad," Nate commented. May nodded in agreement, before going into the connected bathroom to change into her sleeping clothes. Nate didn't bother and immediately collapsed onto the bed, exhausted.
    All in all, he reflected as he drifted off to sleep, Not a bad start at all...not bad at all....
    ~~
    So...yeah. Like I said, I think it started out kinda rough. The Zigzagoon thing went better in my head, but didn't translate to paper well.
    So....reviews are appreciated, as usual.
    Last edited by TheNorthWind; 2nd April 2012 at 10:28 PM.

  16. #16
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    They had set up a small camp not along after leaving Littleroot Town on account of it being nighttime. It was now morning, and they were about to get moving.
    Night time bugs me as one word. It's correct, but it just bugs me. Anyway, this wasn't necessary to include. Why would the set up camp if it's only a two hour walk? Are there rapists on Route 101? The description was lacking. Stuff like this won't cut it.

    May had been silent throughout the events and now stood up. "Shall we get moving, then?"
    So a Pokemon just runs up to them, digs around Nate's bag, and she says nothing at all? Seems legit.

    She nodded and tossed out a Pokeball. "Let's go, Beautifly!"
    Wait, wait, wait! She just randomly has a Beautifly?

    The Mudkip leaped off of his head and landed in front of him.
    I thought he was in his Poke Ball.

    Beautifly's proboscis glowed red and shot out towards Emerald and wrapped around it tightly.
    Yeah not many people are going to know what that is. And you're going to have to find a new verb or change it to, "...began to glow red." Otherwise it just sounds awkward.

    It was too much to take, and it didn't get up again, having fallen unconscious.
    That's a weak Beautifly.

    That attack clearly a lot out of Raccone, but it still managed to stand up afterwards.
    Missing the word took after clearly.

    He chewed on his lap for a moment.
    That would be difficult. I think you mean lip.

    Raccone charged one again
    Once.

    It slumped to the ground, unconscious.
    Because of two Tackles?

    Pokemon to a Pokemon Center."May nodded and they moved off again.
    Spacing error after the end quotation.

    This chapter also felt rushed. The battle was short. I understand that they're just beginning as trainers, but the battle could have been a tad longer. I'm confused as to how May has a Beautifly already. That would take some time to get. First she would need to find a Wurmple and then train it. Since it seems like she started earlier (just like in the games) I don't understand how she lost to Nate. Treeko fell to two Tackles and Beautifly took a Bide that was only powered by an Absorb, a Water Gun, which isn't the best attack to use against Beautifly, and a Tackle. I'm sure Beautifly would be stronger than that. Nate is seeming like a Stu. Zigzagoon just ran up to him and was captured without a fight and he won a battle against a, what appears to be, much more experienced trainer with little to no difficulty. And in the end Nate is still like, "Eh." I smell development in someone's future! An okay chapter. Fairly short. I'll await the next.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

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    Well, the Beautifly thing was just...well I see Beautifly as being kinda frail, being a butterfly and all...Also, I'm pretty sure Water Gun is normally effective against a Beautifly.
    And yeah, nate does seem overpowered right now, but this will be fixed later.
    And don't worry, he'll get his soon.

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    Quote Originally Posted by :342: View Post
    Well, the Beautifly thing was just...well I see Beautifly as being kinda frail, being a butterfly and all...Also, I'm pretty sure Water Gun is normally effective against a Beautifly.
    And yeah, nate does seem overpowered right now, but this will be fixed later.
    And don't worry, he'll get his soon.
    That sounds bad :P I don't want you to hurt him. Just teach him a lesson.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

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    Yeah, I would try adding more details so the chapters aren't so small. They have all seem so condensed. I would also suggest changing the Beautifly to Wurmple. The reason: no nearly beginning trainer would ALREADY have one. The icing on the cake was when you so completely underpowered Treeko and a flipping Beautifly when Nate had a Mudkip and a Zigzagoon who just randomly jumped into a pokeball. Not the greatest chapter, but there's room to grow.
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    Hey guys take it easy on him its his first fic besides a Ziggzagoon could KO a Treecko like that because their defence is crappy Treecko trainers have to rely on their extremly high speed to hit first and with their vast move pool pray that they have a super efective move in their roster trust me I know from experience... Now you do need to add some more details because it seems like May got her Beautifly as if by magic I would go back to the first chapter and have her dad give it to her or have her save it from an abusive trainer anything like that would do.

    Major spoil alert I will remove it if you want me too but I have to ask a spoiler question since I may know what happens... so anyone who hasn't read Feral's first NCTH fic and payed atention to the small part he gives Nate don't read past this!!!

        Spoiler:- Spoiler:


    If you want me to remove the spoiler I will sorry if I gave to much away.
    My Black Friend Code is 2494-8412-9545 and my name on Black is Trysten.
    This is my badge for the NCTH to earn it you have to challenge the League and defeat me in a battle. Credit goes to Glover for the badge.
    And here's the link to my fic http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...irth-of-a-Hero

  21. #21
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    Ok, so first of all, this chapter did feel rushed. A lot more rushed than other chapters, seeing as the only thing that really happened was the battle.

    The battle itself wasn't very long, and was somewhat hard to believe. I understand that Nate will get his, and the situation can possibly happen, but I'd suggest avoiding things like these in the future. Nate has never had a Pokemon battle, whereas May obviously has had enough to evolve her Beautifly. I'm not as put off by the Beautifly, mainly cos it's the beginning. May has obviously been a trainer for a while (which still supports that Nate probably should have had his rear end handed to him, but that's whatever), and I really don't think she would only have one Pokemon when her dad's a Professor and she has her own Pokemon. I find that, at least, believable.

    But in terms of description, try to add a bit more. Not to the point that it's flowery, like you describe every little thing that has no importance whatsoever, but just a little more. Try to space things out, get at least a good 2-3 pages on chapters. I'd suggest putting that as one of your writing goals; 2-4 pages per chapter. Write the way you normally do, and get down whatever you want to get down as your rough draft, and then go through and start adding the description. Find out where important, or interesting parts of the chapter you had originally written are, and then add on to them. Just a suggestion. (:

    And also, the thing with the Zigzagoon. I can see how this might happen, cos some people's humor actually is like that. Something extremely odd/funny happens, and they will have merely a quirky remark as a response. But I personally would have burst out in something. Laughter, amazement. Something that would emphasize the hilarity of the situation. You just sort of brushed it off.

    Another thing I feel I need to add is that the Pokemon suddenly have no personality. Zigzagoon just charges into the Pokeball, and when called upon, simply 'is.' No hint as to why he rushed into the ball, or his feelings of being a captured Pokemon, nothing. He just was. I suggest looking into that as well. In connection to that, May and Nate seem to be sort of mechanic as well. May is a girl, for one thing, completely different to Nate. She's a whole different character, and very probably not a whole lot like Nate. But from what we've read so far, you know nothing about her. And Nate's personality seems very blasé, like everything just is, and he will never care more, or experience bigger feelings than "Oh. Ok." Him being the main character, and May being (so far) a major supporting character, you might want to give them more personality.

    Granted, it's very early on, so this can be very easily remedied in following chapters. I just wanted to point that out so that you know what I, one of the readers, have interpreted from the story so far. Quick point though, don't spoon feed us their entire backstory or whatever. Slowly bringing their personalities to life will do. It's your story, so your pace.

    All in all, decent chapter. I look back at some of my early fics, and it's definitely off to a good start. You have room to improve, but that's what we're here for; to help you. I hope I didn't sound too mean though; I really just get very 'as-a-matter-of-factly' when it comes to reviewing stuff (I don't know if you notice that when I do the podcast). If anything, this is how I am when I review fics. XD I just want to help you improve overall.

    So yeah, I await the next chapter. Everyone else can go catch the grammar and punctuation mistakes, cos I'm kind of too lazy to look for that. I go for the overall impact and delivery. XP
    Last edited by jstinftw!; 3rd April 2012 at 3:01 PM.

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  22. #22
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    Default Two pokemon and a Nate.

    So...this Chapter, I think is much better than Chapter 3. It ends kind of abruptly, but I think it's a bit more descriptive, and gives a bit more personality to Nate. Not great, but overall, I think it's better than the last chapter. Also, in response to Wartiger, the Seviper incident happens much later. He gets his first taste of comeuppance in a few chapters....Spolier alert....?
    ~~
    Two pokemon and a Nate.
    Route 103 was a quaint little area, although it was quite little. Surrounded by trees, with an open field in the middle, there wasn't much room to do much, although to the west there was a water route that could traversed by the use of Surf. There was a small community of Zigzagoon and Poochyena there, however, which Nate had been using to train his Pokemon since morning. The sun was now high in the afternoon sky as they ate lunch. It had been a good day for Nate's Pokemon. Raccone had learned Headbutt, while Nate had figured out that Emerald knew Mud Slap.

    Nate finished off his sandwich and turned to May, who was just getting done with her meal as well. He was about to ask her for another practice battle when something landed on his head. He thought it was Emerald at first, but she still munching on the meal of Pokemon food that May had prepared. He smacked the object on his head and Wingull squawked and took off, before wheeling around to land on May's head. He blinked at it, then stood up and whipped a Pokeball at it. Wingull squawked as it was absorbed into the Pokeball. It dropped to the ground in front of May and shook a few times before it burst open again, the Wingull soaring out.

    "Right...well, then. That didn't work." He knew that Pokemon had to be weakened before being captured, but he had hoped he could get another easy capture. "Raccone, let's go!"

    "Zig?" The Raccoon Pokemon ran over to him, blinking up at him.

    "Get ready for battle!" His Pokemon nodded, and the Wingull, realizing Nate's intentions, floated down in front of them, hovering gently.

    "Raccone! Tackle!"
    T
    he Zigzagoon charged at the Wingull and sprang up at it. It veered away, dodging neatly then opened its beak to release a jet of water at Raccone, who also dodged.

    Nate bit his lip, it was clear that this might take a while. "Alright, try Tackle again!"

    Raccone charged once again. This time, the Wingull waited until the last second to dodge, causing Raccone to fly through the air and smash into a tree. As it shook its head, recovering from the blow, Wingull opened its mouth again, although this time, instead of water, came some sort of sound wave that washed over Raccone. Raccone immediately stood, its eyes glowing a weird blue color, then started smashing it's head against the tree it stood in front of.

    "What the hell...?"

    "It's confused!" May shouted out to him.

    "Oh of all the...Raccone, return!" He returned the poor raccoon to its Pokeball, and then turned to Emerald. "Go and get 'im!"

    His Mudkip ran out and cried a challenge to the opposing water type. The Wingull tried to blast Emerald with a Water Gun but she sidestepped neatly.

    "Emerald, let's try Bide!" His Mudkip nodded and its body glowed white as Wingull fired another Water Gun at it. The attack washed over Emerald barely doing any damage as the Mud Fish Pokemon stored energy.
    Suddenly Emerald cried out and fired a beam of white energy from its body which quickly overpowered the Water Gun and slammed into Wingull. Even though it was double the damage that Emerald had taken, it still wasn't much and the Wingull was merely knocked back a bit.

    "Alright, Emerald, get back!" Emerald ran back to stand behind Nate, while he tossed out a Pokeball. "Alright, let's go again, Raccone!"

    The Zigzagoon emerged in a flash of white light, over its confusion trouble. It barked happily.

    "Now, use Tackle!"

    Raccone charged at the Wingull, who dodged again, but this time, Raccone was ready and dug its front paws into the ground and spun before leaning back on its haunches and springing up into the air, finally colliding with the seagull.

    "Now! Headbutt!"

    Raccone jumped back, then lowered its head and charged forward. Wingull hit the ground and bounced once before attempting to pick itself up, but was unable to, due to it taking a Raccone headbutt to the body. It flew off and hit the ground again, this time staying down.

    Nate whipped a Pokeball at it, which made contact, Wingull transforming into a mass of red energy and disappearing inside the Pokeball which fell to the ground and began to shake wildly. It continued for a few moments before a 'ding!' was heard. Nate grinned and ran over to pick up his Pokeball. His Pokedex beeped and he retreived it from his belt.

    "Wingull, the Seagull Pokemon. It makes its nest on a sheer cliff at the edge of the sea. It has trouble keeping its wings flapping in flight. Instead, it soars on updrafts."

    Nate scrolled through the rest of its info. It was male, with a Timid Nature. The Pokedex then asked him to name his new Wingull. He mulled it over for a moment before inputting the name Sam. He then grinned and fistpumped. "Alright! My second water type!"

    May blinked at him. "Why is that specifically so exciting...?"

    Nate turned to her, still grinning. "I'm aiming to be a water type master!"

    "Ah, I see."

    He nodded again, still grinning like an idiot. "This is starting to be a very good day!"
    ~~
    It was about 2 hours after his Wingull capture, and they were now on Route 102. This was a much longer route, and was more of a forest path than anything, although there was a small pond off to the west side of the route. After training a bit, Sam had learned Wing Attack, and Nate was extremely satisfied with the way things were progressing. They group was enjoying a leisurely walk through the woods to get to Petalburg City. However, this was interrupted by a squawk from Sam. Nate whipped around to see that a Poochyena had clamped down on his Pokemon's wing, growling.

    "Sam! Supersonic!"
    T
    he seagull opened its beak and unleashed the sound based attack upon the Poochyena, who immediately released Sam and stumbled away, dazed.

    "Now! Water Gun!" Wingull rose into the air, thankfully, its wing wasn't that badly damaged and it was still able to fly. Sam opened his mouth and shot the water attack at the Poochyena, which was bowled over by the attack and merely sat there, shaking its head.

    "One more Water Gun!"

    Once again, the attack hit the Poochyena dead center and it merely fell over.

    Nate threw a Pokeball at it, and the Pokemon was absorbed into the ball, which fell to the ground and shook a few times before coming to a rest with a 'Ding!'

    Once again, his Pokedex beeped and he checked the device.

    "Poochyena, the Bite Pokemon. It savagely threatens foes with bared fangs. It chases after fleeing targets tenaciously. It turns tail and runs, however, if the foe strikes back."

    Nate began to check its other stats, then stopped and stared. "I think my Pokedex is broken."

    May turned to him, her head tilted questioningly. "Why do you say that?"

    "It says my Poochyena has the ability Rattled..."

    May blinked. "Wow, your Poochyena has a hidden ability!"

    Nate titled his head this time. "Huh?"

    She nodded. "For some unknown reason, some Pokemon have different abilities from the rest of their species. These abilities are called hidden abilities. Some Trainers call these Pokemon 'Dream' pokemon, because they have abilities that some Trainers always wished, or dreamed that these Pokemon could have."

    Nate blinked and nodded. "I see...although I can't see this ability coming in handy anytime soon..." He proceeded to name his newest teammate Chip. "Well, I suppose we should get moving," he said.

    May nodded in agreement and the two moved off, continuing on their way to Petalburg City, and, in Nate's mind, his first Gym Battle.
    ~~
    So...there's Chapter 4. I..thought it was better than 3, as I've already stated.
    Also, about the Hidden Ability thing...just because my story takes place before the events of Black and White doesn't mean that Unova doesn't exist, and as far as I'm concerned hidden abilites can be present anywhere, along with other 5th gen mechanics. So...there's my explanation on that.

  23. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wartiger97 View Post
    Hey guys take it easy on him its his first fic.
    Well considering how much RPing he does outside of Serebii, I personally expected these to be a bit more fleshed out. I'm no writer, but even I can tell when something needs work. I noticed that each chapter is released about 2 days from each other. I suggest that you actually take your time writing these because, not only does it feel rushed, it's much more apparent because you litterally are rushing.

    *This was typed after reading chapter 3*
    Last edited by Keyo61491; 3rd April 2012 at 9:20 PM.
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    This one was better, though if I had any criticism it would still be the length. Maybe try where you think two chapters should be make it one unless it just doesn't flow at all, which I don't believe has happened yet. Also, I like how you added a DW Pokemon.
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    Default Petalburg City

    Alright, Chapter 5, which is a bit more based on the games. It'll hopefully still be an interesting read.
    ~~
    Petalburg City
    Nate yawned and stretched, walking into the room that he and May were sharing on the top floor of the Petalburg City Pokemon Center. They had arrived earlier that evening, but had decided to spend the rest of the day resting, luckily without Nate's dad finding out. Emerald was already asleep, curled up at the foot of Nate's bed. May was sitting on her own bed, wearing a pair of sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt. Nate himself was wearing a pair of shorts and a white t-shirt, his hat on the table between the two beds. He sat on his own bed and ran his fingers though his hair.

    May turned to him suddenly. "Hey, Nate?"

    He glanced at her. "Yeah?"

    "Why are you so adamant about becoming a Pokemon Trainer, I mean you basically ran away from home!"

    He shrugged. "I dunno, I just...I'm like most kids. I've always wanted to be a Pokemon Trainer, and even my Mom couldn't crush that dream, I suppose."

    She nodded a bit. "Why water types?"

    He smiled. "They're so elegant, and yet so powerful! I remember watching TV at Prof. Cozmo's house....I hung out there a lot when I lived in Fallarbor Town, he and his wife were kinda like my babysitters. They let me watch television programs and read books about Pokemon training. I saw this one battle, a guy used a Milotic...it was so beautiful and graceful...and yet, it completely wrecked his opponent. And that's when I knew, that was the kinda Pokemon i wanted to command."

    She nodded again. "I see."

    He blinked. "Now it's your turn."

    She looked at him again. "Huh?"

    "Here's my question: Why'd you wanna travel with me?"

    She sighed a bit. "I was so excited to have another kid in town to talk to, instead of just a new Trainer stopping by to pick up their starter Pokemon. When I heard you were leaving...I guess I just...didn't want to be alone again..."

    He blinked and looked away. "I see..."

    "One more question?"

    He turned back to her "Hm?"

    "Why'd you name a blue Pokemon 'Emerald?’”

    He smirked. "Why not?" And with that, he covered up and quickly fell asleep.

    May stared at him for a couple of minutes then sighed. "That kid..." She shook her head, before falling sleep herself.
    ~~
    It was morning the next day, and Nate was ready to go see his father, for the first time in about a year. He usually came over on Nate’s birthday, but what with the move and all, they had agreed to just wait until afterwards. He pulled his hoodie over his head and pulled on his hat.

    May stared at him. "Don't you get hot wearing all that?"

    He shook his head. "Nope." Emerald then jumped onto his head. He sighed. "Let's just go..."

    It took about 15 minutes for them to finally find the gym, which was a rather plain looking building with a sign above it, reading" Gym" in big letters. A sign right outside the doors read "Petalburg City Gym. Leader: Norman-The one who lives for Pokemon!"

    May smirked. "Nice title."

    Nate shrugged. "Whatever." He opened the wooden door of the gym and stepped inside. The entire interior was wooden, with a mat on the far side of the room. It was looked much like a fighting dojo. Nate's father stood in the center of the gym. His short black hair was cut close to his head, and he wore a red zip-up jacket and black pants. He was talking to some kid, but when Nate and May walked in he looked up.

    "Sorry, I am not current accepting chall-" he stopped and stared. "...Nate?"

    He grinned and waved. "Hey, Dad."

    Norman seemed stunned. "What are you doing here?"

    He pointed to Emerald who was still clinging to his head. "I ran away from home and became a Pokemon Trainer."

    Norman sighed and shook his head. "I'm not going to argue about how many things are wrong with what you did..." he then looked at May. “And you're Professor Birch's daughter, correct?"

    She nodded. "Yeah, I'm traveling with Nate for the time being."

    Norman grinned and turned to his son. "Good on you, Nate!"

    The two teenagers blushed and looked at anything but each other. "It's not like that..." Nate mumbled. He then noticed the other male, and studied him for a second.
    The kid wore a simple white button-up shirt and green pants,
    with rather stylish sneakers. However he was also deathly pale, and even his hair looked sick, although it was spiky and green, the green was dull and it look like the spikes would collapse at any time.

    The young boy suddenly coughed, pulling out an inhaler and taking a hit from it, and took a deep breath afterwards. He smiled shyly. "I-I'm Wally..."

    Nate grinned. "I'm Nate and this is May!" He then pointed to the Mudkip on his head. "And this is Emerald."

    Wally looked confused. "Why would you name a blue Pokemon 'Emerald?'"

    Nate smirked. "Why not?"

    Wally blinked. "I...don't know...."

    "Exactly. So what're you doing here, anyways?"

    It was Norman who answered. "He's moving to Verdanturf Town, the clean air there will be good for his health. I lent him a Pokemon so he could catch his own, and I was just giving him a few tips after a successful capture."

    Sure enough from behind Wally came the head of Ralts. "Ra?" It tilted its head, putting its hand up to its mouth before walking out fully. It had some sort of odd green helmet, which resembled hair, with a horn on either side. The helmet obscured its eyes, and its entire body was covered in what appeared to be white pajamas of some sort.

    Nate stared. "Dude, you caught a Ralts? Those are like, uber rare!" He pulled out his Pokedex and scanned it.

    "Ralts, the Feeling Pokemon. A Ralts has the power to sense the emotions of people and Pokemon with the horns on its head. It takes cover if it senses any hostility."

    Nate grinned. "Hey, wanna have a battle?"

    Wally shook his head, scooped his Ralts up in his arms and ran out.
    Nate frowned. "It was just a question...." He then turned to his father. "So, how about you? You're a Gym Leader..." He pointed at his father dramatically. "OBJECTION!"

    Norman frowned. "...What?"

    "Wait, I did that wrong..." He pointed again. "I challenge you to a gym battle!"

    His father shook his head. "Sorry, but you need at least four Pokemon to battle me."

    Nate nodded. "I have four Pokemon!"

    "...Well, still, no. I'm too far above your level."

    "I'm sure I can still take you!"

    "NO, Nate!"

    "Okay, how about we make a deal?"

    Norman blinked. "A deal?"

    "We'll have an unofficial battle, one-on-one! If I win, you take me on on a full gym match!"

    His father sighed. "Fine, but if I win, then you have to get four Gym Badges before I'll even THINK about facing you in a real Gym match."

    Nate nodded. "Fine. Can we battle right now?"

    Norman shook his head. "No. I want you to spend today training, to make sure you're at your best. Then, tomorrow, we'll battle. Okay?"

    The young Trainer sighed. "Ugh, fine. Hey, May, let's go back to Route 102!" He grabbed her wrist and dragged her out of the gym with him, ignoring her protests.

    Norman smiled and shook his head after they had gone. "He reminds me so much of myself,” he muttered to himself.

    Meanwhile, Nate had dragged May back to Route 101, where she finally got her wrist back.

    "Geez, you jerk!"

    He ignored her. "Alright, time to train!"

    "I'll train with you!" came a voice from behind them.

    The two turned around to see a young boy wearing a blue backwards cap, a yellow shirt and blue shorts. "I'm Calvin! I'll take you on a battle if you want!"

    Nate nodded without a second thought. "Sure!" He grabbed a Pokeball from off of his belt. "Go, Raccone!" he yelled, releasing his Zigzagoon, which shook itself and barked excitedly.

    Calvin smirked. "Go, Poochyena!" He released his own Pokemon, which barked just as excitedly.

    Nate grinned. "Alright, then...let's do this!"
    ~~
    So, there's Chapter 5, featuring Norman, and the introduction of Wally, whi will show up more often he does in the games, because..well...it bothered that he showed up a total of 3 times.
    As for the ending...that was my attempt at creating a cliffhanger for no...well....no reason, really.
    And, as usual, reviews are greatly appreciated.
    Last edited by TheNorthWind; 4th April 2012 at 11:43 PM.

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