Results 1 to 11 of 11

Thread: The Mystery girl and the strong battler [PG]

  1. #1

    Default The Mystery girl and the strong battler [PG]

    Hey ya, I'm back again with something new. I got this idea when playing my games and I see some random person go "oo a strong trainer help me!1!". I wanted to do that here. I wanted to work in a certian character in my fanverse. A certain canon character from the games so that's why she'll remain a mystery until someone actually says her name at the very end.

    Might be a two shot. Rated PG for some cursing and Poke violence. Oh and I'm getting better at game characters. If you think you know who the mystery girl is, that's awesome! (and tell me if I got her character right)

    Also this story takes place in the winter, so they are wearing winter clothes in this story, sans for the Ghetsis members and the young girl.


    It was a cold Saturday afternoon and it was snowing. There was about three inches of snow on the ground and the weather service said that there would be at least five or six inches of snow by the end of the day. A pink haired man was standing in front of a convenience store, waiting for his friends and girlfriend to come and join him. His black and white checkered scarf was keeping him warm as he wrapped it tighter around his neck. He ran his fingers through his pink swirly hair as he looked at the sights. Unova’s streets were hustling with joy as its citizens carry on their daily duties and prepare for work and future events.

    He began to walk up and down the sidewalk to kill time while kicking the snow that was on the ground. He managed to bump into a few people by accident while doing so. He made sure he apologized to everyone as he still paced up and down the sidewalk. As he was walking, he noticed that on the other side of the street, there was a rest area with many benches, a drink machine and four bathrooms. The young man looked both ways before crossing the street. As he was crossing the road, a voice called out to him.

    “Hey Petrel!” a girl’s voice exclaimed.

    When he got to the sidewalk, Petrel turned around to see who was calling him. He noticed that on the side of the street, a girl with short red hair was running towards him. She looked like she was an older lady, looked to be around her late twenties or early thirties. She was wearing a plain black knit sweater paired with a green, black and blue plaid patterned mini skirt with black leggings. She was also wearing a knit hat on her head that was the same pattern as her skirt with a green bow on top. Though he thought the girl was cute, Petrel did not appear to recognize her at all.

    She came up to him and proceeded to grasp his shoulders which made him nervous as he backed away. “Wow, it’s been ages!” the young woman exclaimed.

    The man just looked at her with confusion on his face. He’s known quite a few girls in his life and some girls were even infatuated with him. If someone had come up to him and claimed that they know him, chances were that he would recognize them as well. But this one… ‘I think I can kind of recognize her but I can’t put my finger on it…’ he thought as he scratched his head.

    “… Eh?” Petrel muttered.

    The girl quickly took her hands off the guy’s shoulders when she realized she was touching him out of excitement. Her smile then changed to something unreadable as she put her hand on her chin.

    “Ah Petrel, you haven’t changed a bit, have you?” she smirked. “You’re still clueless aren’t you?”

    “Um… not to be rude because I’m generally a nice guy but I want to ask: who are you?” the pink haired man asked.

    “You… you don’t know who I am?” the girl gasped as she raised an eyebrow. “Well then, I guess you are going to have to wait until I officially rejoin Team Rocket to find out.”

    He just stood there, looking this woman square in the eye. She was already beginning to be a mystery. Even more so when she said that she knew him. ‘I must know her if she knows me this much’ he thought as he just stood there nervously. That was until he heard someone scream from a far. It sounded like a girl and that she was in trouble. Petrel and the red haired young woman both looked around confused. When they looked behind them, another girl was running towards them.

    She also had red hair, except in a lighter shade. This girl also was dressed rather weirdly. She had on a long-sleeved, white mini dress with thin black stripes coupled with dark blue leggings. As she stopped and leans forward to take a short breather, they noticed that she had a dark yellow G on the corner of her dress, which meant that she was part of Team Galactic, the space team. As soon as she stood up, she immediately noticed the pink haired young man just standing there looking puzzled.

    “Oh, a Team Rocket member!” she exclaimed as she ran towards Petrel, hiding behind him. “Please help me. I’m being chased by some goons called Team Dark.”

    “Why couldn’t you fight for yourself?” the older woman asked with concern in her voice.

    “I did, but all of my Pokemon lost to their buff ones,” the girl said as she panicked. “I was weak against them. Please you have to help me!”

    However, before he could ask anything, they all heard footsteps coming at them at a fast pace. When they looked, there were three people coming at them, one guy and two girls behind him. The guy in front was wearing a dark blue suit jacket with matching pants and a white tie. The middle of his undershirt had a small blue D emblem on it, indicating that he was a Team Dark member. His shoulder length purple hair was fluttering in the breeze as he just smirked at Petrel and the younger girl. The two girls behind him were wearing light white and blue sweatshirts with the D emblem in the middle. They were also wearing matching light blue skirts. The teams outfits were mostly like school boy and girl outfits mostly used to make others think they were innocent.

    “Hah! Hiding behind a man huh?” the lead guy laughed. “How typical of you. Whatever, I will still get Team Galactic’s research findings. That’s what I was sent out to do and won’t leave until I have them in hand.”

    “Pickin’ on a pretty girl, eh? Don’t you three have any chivalry?” Petrel asked as he smiled at them. “I would have thought that even Team Dark members were respectful to girls. So, don’t you want to tell me why you are after these findings?”

    “Hey, we got chivalry, but we also mean business, kid,” the Team Dark member said in a frustrated tone as he came close to the older man. “No matter, I’m not going to sit here and be smart mouthed by some random kid off the street. We need those findings to further our boss’ plans for world domination. Now, if Mercury there would just be a good little girl and tell me where they are…”

    “Umm actually it’s Mars,” the younger girl said as she tried to correct the Team Dark member. “Big difference if you think about it. I mean Mercury is the hottest planet in the solar system-“

    “SILENCE!”

    The Team Dark member came even closer to them as he grew angrier and angrier by the minute. Not only was he just smart mouthed, but he was corrected by a kid, which made even more embarrassing. Petrel was still smirking at the members while the older girl just stood there rolling her eyes at the situation. At this moment she found it amusing that this guy was keeping his cool even when being threatened.

    “You stupid, wimpy, lame-o kids talk too much!” the guy yelled.

    “What? Stupid? Wimpy? Lame-o?” the older red head laughed. “Sorry, baby but that’s some pretty childish vocabulary coming from someone who claims to be an adult. No one’s going to take you seriously now…”

    “I’m a Team Dark administrator, and you have to be in the eighteen to twenty five ranges to obtain that rank, so of course I’m an adult,” the guy said as his frustration spiked. “And who do you think you are lady?”

    “I think I AM a former interim boss and a pretty intelligent and awesome one if I do say so myself,” she replied. “I cannot say the same for you though, so sorry.”

    Petrel raised his hands as a signal to stop everyone from fighting. At this point, I want to get this resolved so that I could be with my girl!

    “Hey! Do you want to resolve this or not?” the pink haired man said with a spice of frustration in his voice.

    The Team Dark administrator put his hand up to his chin and started scratching it. “Why yes, kid I do. No better way to resolve this than with a Pokemon battle! If I lose, I will take my grunts and leave. But if you lose, not only will I get those findings, but Mars and the old lady will get it…”

    He came closer to the man as he pulled on his scarf in intimidation. “So… what’s it gonna be?”

    Without hesitation, Petrel shoved the admin off of him as he gave him a challenging grin. “I accept your challenge Team Dark!”
    Last edited by はるひ; 9th September 2012 at 3:56 AM.
    岩根雅明=♡

  2. #2

    Default

    “Alright, let’s get this party started!” the administrator boasted. “You two! I'm going to take care of this strong looking guy. You girls will overtake the old lady...”

    “Heh! Let’s…” Petrel chuckled softly as he clenched his fists.

    "This way, grunts! Let me show you what a former interim boss can really do!" shouted the red-haired woman, taking off in the other direction as a burst of light came from her pokeball. "Oh and Mars, you come with me so that you can see that these guys can be defeatable..."

    While the young girl followed the other fight, Petrel had no time to see what Pokemon she released because his opponent drew his attention. As the other two Team Dark members went to fight the older red haired girl, the pink haired man reached into his bag and pulled out a Pokeball. He gave his opponent a competitive smile before throwing it up in the air. The Team Dark administrator reached into his pocket and also pulls out a Pokeball. They both nodded at each other before sending out their Pokemon.

    “Alright! Amy, I choose you!” Petrel shouted with a smile as he threw his Pokeball high up in the air.

    While in the air, the Poke-ball popped open and with a flash of light, the form of a bipedal Pokemon emerged. The red and blue flower-like Pokemon jumped up and down in excitement. It’s huge white spots on its head shined with the sunlight as the vileplume lets out a cheerful battle cry. The Administrator just grimaced at them as he also threw his Poke-ball in the air.

    “Hah! It’s that all you got?” he said with a mocking edge. “Go Steelix!

    With the flash of light coming from the Poke-ball, the form of a huge snake Pokemon emerged. Its metal coat glinted with the sunlight and its teeth were as sharp as nails. It let out a loud roar to intimidate its foe. However the vileplume took a more combative stance as it put its hands in front as if it was waving its fists.

    “Okay, Amy let’s show Team Dark what for! Use body slam!” the man exclaimed.

    Before the amin could call out his moves, the flower Pokemon ran at full speed towards her foe. She then leaped in the air and took a dive towards her confused opponent. With all of her might and weight, Amy dropped on to the steelix with great net speed. She done so with so much force, that the iron snake went head first into the ground… hard enough to shake the ground. The admin was truly stunned with his jaw dropping to the ground. His opponent was indeed a force to be reckoned with, and it caught him off guard.

    “You’re good… for a kid,” he remarked as his steelix was getting off the ground.

    “Heh! Don’t underestimate us!” Petrel said as he gave his opponent a challenging grin. “We are a lot stronger than we look.”

    “Well then, I love your enthusiasm, kid,” the guy said as he put his hands on his waist. “Now it’s my turn. Steelix, use bind!”

    The iron snake, at full speed, charged towards his opponent baring his teeth at her. He then proceeded to wrap himself around his opponent, all thirty feet of him, rather tightly. It was done so tight that Amy could barely find room to breathe as she was struggling to free herself from the bind. While the Team Dark administrator snickered, Petrel’s anger started to spike.

    “You… that was a dirty trick!” he yelled angrily as he was worriedly looking at the battle.

    “Me? That’s called a Pokemon battle, kid,” the older guy snickered. “You can’t always have your way. Now I’d like to see you try to get out of this one…”

    Petrel reached into his bag and pulled out the same Poke-ball he used to send out his Pokemon and attempted to try to get her back into the ball. “Return!” he shouted as he held the ball in front of him. However, she would not go back into the ball. He tried it again for the second time and no cigar as well. The bind was so tight, that it was preventing her from doing so.

    Now, Petrel was really worried as he paced around his side of the battle field, thinking of a way he could get out of it. ‘If this keeps up, my Pokemon could die!’ he thought as he growled in anger under his breath. The bind prevented his Pokemon from escaping so he couldn’t withdraw her from the battle. Meanwhile, Amy was struggling to break free. She tried wiggling her way out and even biting her foe. However her opponent’s steel body was impossible for her to inflict damage on with just normal biting. She tried her best to get in a few breaths of air as the bind got even tighter and tighter.

    The whole time, she kept looking at her trainer, hoping that he’d be able to save her from this mess. Petrel knew that he couldn’t risk throwing himself into the battle and attempt the break the two apart. For that, the Team Dark admin could get his steelix to attack him. ‘She’s something special considering that I named her after the love of my life and caught her with her and mind, I cannot lose her, I cannot, We’ve all had a strong bond!’ he thought as something just donned on him.

    ‘The list!’ It was recommended that trainers wrote down every move their Pokemon knows in case they forgot them. Petrel reached into his sweater pocket and pulled out a small piece of paper. On it, it had all of the moves that Amy knew. From top to bottom it read: body slam, stun spore, drain punch, energy ball. As he read the list, it really started to hit him hard. ‘Stun spore! That causes the opponent to be paralyzed!’ he thought as he looked at the scene and smiled.

    “Okay! Amy, try to use stun spore!” Petrel shouted.

    The vileplume managed to try to shake her head back and forth. As she did so, light green powder start to come from the top of her head and on to her opponent. The more she shook her head, the more powder there was and as time passed, the steelix’s grip got looser and looser. It became loose to the point where Amy was able to slide right out of the iron snake’s grip and completely freed herself. The older guy on the other hand was rather stunned. He couldn’t believe that Petrel has gotten himself out of a complicated situation. ‘This wasn’t how I planned this!’ he thought angrily.

    “Son of a *****!” the admin said under his breath as he was getting ready to tell his Pokemon to do a new move. “Steelix, use fire fang!”

    However the steelix was struggling to move. He had been paralyzed from the stun spore powder and was preventing him from moving. He tried and tried to get up from the ground and then finally he just gave up. The admin was truly baffled at the moment. “Did I just lose my turn because of them?!’ he thought as he cursed silently to himself. He had no words to say at the moment. He nodded in disbelief as a signal for his opponent to make his next move.

    “Okay…” Petrel said slowly as he was thinking of his next move. “Alright Amy, lets finish him with a drain punch!”

    Though she felt a bit weak, the flower Pokemon, with her hand in front of her, charged toward her opponent with great speed. As hard as she could, she punched the iron snake on his side. When she did, Petrel could see a faded red streak of light coming from the opponent’s Pokemon to his own, thus seemingly making her stronger for she was no longer lightheaded. After that, the opponent now was really unable to move as he just layed there, unresponsive.

    “Hmph! You’re lucky. Return!” the admin said as he got his Poke-ball out in front of him. A dark red light came from the ball and engulfed his Pokemon. After that, his Pokemon was no longer there and was back in the ball.

    Petrel did the same thing as he yelled out ‘return’, which caused Amy to return to her Poke-ball at once. After he had done so, he gave his opponent a victory smile. The other two grunts started to come behind their administrator with a look that reads that if they were shocked at what happened in their battle. The older red head came out from her battle with a confident look on her face, as if she had beaten the two grunts that were ordered to fight her.

    “That girl is too strong!” one of the grunts exclaimed.

    “Indeed,” the administrator said as he came closer to Petrel. “You won. You… you uppity little brats! Grrrr, fine! You know what, you should be proud of yourself, kid. You saved little Mars here but know that she’ll pay sooner or later. Team, pull out!”

    As the lead member left, his two grunts came running after him. After they were about a good distance away, Mars came right in front of the pink haired young man and gave him a friendly hug. He in return, returned the favor as he leaned in to give her a friendly hug as well.

    “Thank you for helping me… umm… Petrel was it?” she asked. “I’d like to properly introduce myself. My name’s Mars and I am a commander from Team Galactic.”

    “Yes, that would be me,” he nodded as he gave her a friendly smile. “Petrel’s the name. Oh, and you are very much welcome, my dear. I’m always happy to help.”

    Just then, the sound of footsteps alerted the two as they looked back. A young man was walking towards them at a fast pace. He had blue hair that was shaped in a weird pointy fashion. He had on a white long sleeved shirt with thin black stripes coupled with plain white pants. He too had a Team Galactic emblem on the corner of his shirt. When he came over, he smiled in relief when he saw that Mars was unhurt. He gave her an almost involuntary kiss on the lips as an expression of his joy at seeing her safe.

    “So tell me what happened, Mars? I saw a bunch of Team Dark guys retreat while I was coming this way," he said as he grasped her shoulders. "Were they the ones who went after you while I was beating the other members?"

    "Yes they were and I tried to fight them. But then my Pokemon lost to their buff ones," she explained. "Luckily, I got away and ran into these two guys. I wasn't strong enough to take down Team Dark but they sure were and they helped me."

    "Well, then. Well done," he exclaimed. "I'm very proud of you, Mars."

    The blue haired young man took a look over at the mysterious red head, just standing by the rest area. Out of boredom, the girl picked up a few snowballs and began throwing them at a nearby office building. She was careful not to hit the windows as she aimed mostly for the walls. The young man then looked at Petrel with a weird look on his face as he came over to him.

    “So, what’s your name?” the young man asked.

    “Petrel’s the name,” he replied. “Now, can I know who you are since you just came up to me?”

    The blue haired guy raised his hands in shock. “Ah! How rude of me, where’s my manners? Anyway, the name’s Saturn. I’m also a commander from Team Galactic. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there to help you with the Dark goons but thank you for sticking up for Mars. This was burning a hole in my pocket so I want you to have this as a gift for helping us.”

    Saturn reached in to his pocket and pulls out a medium-sized purple, rectangular block. As he handed it to Petrel, he looked at the block and at the young man with a strange look on his face. ‘What am I supposed to do with this?’ he thought as he eyed it wearily.

    “That’s called an old gateau,” Saturn explained. “It heals your Pokemon’s status problems. Think of it as a purple cake. You know, commander Charon was saying something about those goons and how they wanted our findings so that they could rule the world. I never really understood as to how getting a hold of a few findings about time and space would be beneficial to Ghetsis or his partner, but whatever. Of course, I don’t expect you to understand ether, Petrel. Anyway, it’s time for us to go back. Thanks for everything.”

    After that conversation, Saturn took Mars by the hand and they left. After they were a distance away, the mystery girl looked over at Petrel as he was beginning to leave while putting the old gateau in his bag. She quickly stopped what she was doing and proceeded to go after him.

    “Hey wait!” she shouted.

    Petrel turned around to see the red head was trying to get his attention. He stopped at the girl came closer to him and handed him a note. He looked at her with a strange face as he looked at the folded piece of paper.

    “When you see executive Archer, hand him that note,” she explained. “Tell him that it’s from a girl named Ariana, who he knows. Please do so, okay? Does that kinda ring a bell to you?”

    “I think I know of an Ariana but she escapes me,” Petrel asked. “Is she you? I’m sorry that I don’t remember you but I really don’t. But at least I have your name, right?”

    Ariana turned gruffly as she gave Petrel a smirk. “Let’s just say… I was your superior.”

    As the girl walked away, the young man left to return to the convince store where his friends awaited.
    Last edited by はるひ; 9th September 2012 at 4:49 PM.
    岩根雅明=♡

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    New Tork City
    Posts
    7,724

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    It was a cold Saturday afternoon and it was snowing. There was about three inches of snow on the ground and the weather service said that there would be at least five or six inches of snow by the end of the day. A young man was standing in front of a convenience store, waiting for his friends and girlfriend to come and join him. His black and white checkered scarf was keeping him warm as he wrapped it tighter around his neck. He ran his fingers through his pink swirly hair as he looked at the sights. Unova’s streets are hustling with joy as its citizens carry on their daily duties and prepare for work and future events.
    This is actually a very good start. The only thing I can criticize is that the last line, about Unova's streets, shifts into present tense while the rest is in past tense.

    He began to walk up and down the sidewalk to kill time while kicking the snow that was on the ground. He managed to bump into a few people by accident while doing so. He made sure he apologized to everyone as he still paced up and down the sidewalk. As he was walking, he noticed that on the other side of the street, there was a rest area with many benches, a drink machine and four bathrooms. The young man looked both ways before crossing the street. As he was crossing the road, a voice called out to him.

    “Hey Petrel!” a girl’s voice exclaimed.
    Still good description. You're doing well so far.

    When he got to the sidewalk, Petrel turned around to see who was calling him. He noticed that on the side of the street, a girl with short red hair was running towards him. She looked like she was an older girl, looked to be around her late twenties or early thirties. She was wearing a plain black knit sweater paired with a green, black and blue plaid patterned mini skirt with black leggings. She was also wearing a knit hat on her head that was the same pattern as her skirt with a green bow on top. Though he thought the girl was cute, Petrel did not appear to recognize her at all.
    Okay, I have to stop you here. Given that you're using game canon, I can kind of understand why you'd do this (hello, ridiculous Platinum Dawn design) but it doesn't really make any sense for anyone to wear a miniskirt in winter weather that's apparently cold enough to make others wear winter clothes. That would be incredibly uncomfortable.

    She came up to him and proceeded to grasp his shoulders which made him nervous as he backed away. “Wow, it’s been ages!” the girl exclaimed.

    The young man just looked at her with confusion on his face. He’s known quite a few girls in his short life and some girls were even infatuated with him. If someone were to come up to him and say they know him, chances were that he would recognize them as well. But this one… ‘I think I can kind of recognize her but I can’t put my finger on it…’ he thought as he scratched his head.
    I do like the note about Petrel apparently being good with faces, it seems consistent with his character and personality.

    Once again, though, you're having a problem with tenses. The second sentence shifts into present tense awkwardly again.

    “… Eh?” Petrel muttered.

    The girl quickly took her hands off the young man’s shoulders when she realized she was touching him out of excitement. Her smile then changed to something unreadable as she puts her hand on her chin.
    Once again, tense shift. This time, it's at "as she puts her hand on her chin," which should be "as she put her hand on her chin."

    “Ah Petrel, you’ve never changed haven’t you?” she smirked. “You’re still clueless aren’t you?”

    “Um… not to be rude because I am not like that to girls but who are you?” the pink haired young man asked.
    This dialogue feels quite awkward. Here's a tip: when writing dialogue, listen to it in your head as if it's actually being spoken to you. You want it to sound like how two people in real life would talk to each other.

    “Hm… you don’t know who I am?” the girl said as she lowered an eyebrow. “Well then, I guess you are going to have to wait until I officially rejoin Team Rocket to find out.”

    He just stood there, looking this girl square in the eye. She was already beginning to be a mystery. Even more so when she said that she knew him. ‘I must know her if she knows me this much’ he thought as he just stood there nervously. That was until he heard someone scream from a far. It sounded like a girl and that she was in trouble. Petrel and the red haired girl both looked around confused. When they looked behind them, another girl was running towards them.

    She also had red hair, except in a lighter shade. This girl also was dressed rather weirdly. She had on a long-sleeved, white mini dress with thin black stripes coupled with dark blue leggings. As she stopped and leans forward to take a short breather, they noticed that she had a dark yellow G on the corner of her dress, which meant that she was part of Team Galactic, the space team. As soon as she stood up, she immediately noticed the pink haired young man just standing there looking puzzled.
    I would encourage you to use dialogue and context clues to deliver the information here. It's good information, it just needs to have "show, don't tell" applied.

    “Oh, a Team Rocket member!” she exclaimed as she ran towards Petrel, hiding behind him. “Please help me. I’m being chased by some goons called Team Ghetsis.”
    Two things: I still don't really buy the whole idea of Team Rocket suddenly being heroic detectives, for one. I'm still not sure if there's enough development of that to make it believable, because it needs a lot.

    Two, I still strongly advise that you change the name "Team Ghetsis." I've already explained why it doesn't make sense for Ghetsis to have named his own team after himself.

    “Pickin’ on a pretty girl, eh? Don’t you three have any chivalry?” Petrel asked as he smiled at them. “I would have thought that even Team Ghetsis members were respectful to girls. So, don’t you want to tell me why you are after these findings?”
    You still need to work on making the dialogue sound natural, but I can actually hear this coming out of Petrel's mouth, so I give you credit there. You're getting his tone down pretty well.

    “Hey, we got chivalry, but we also mean business, kid,” the Team Ghetsis member said in a frustrated tone as he came close to the young man. “No matter, I’m not going to sit here and be smart mouthed by some random kid off the street. We need those findings to further Ghetsis’ plans for world domination. Now, if Mercury there would just be a good little girl and tell me where they are…”
    Petrel isn't a young man, and somehow I don't think Ghetsis would allow his grunts to be so open about what his goals are and who's behind them.

    “Umm actually it’s Mars,” the younger girl said as she tried to correct the Team Ghetsis member. “Big difference if you think about it. I mean Mercury is the hottest planet in the solar system-“

    “SILENCE!”

    The Team Ghetsis member came even closer to them as he grew angrier and angrier by the minute. Not only was he just smart mouthed by a kid, but he was corrected by another kid, which made even more embarrassing. Petrel was still smirking at the members while the older girl just stood there rolling her eyes at the situation. At this moment she found it amusing that the young man is keeping his cool even when being threatened.
    Several problems in that last paragraph. Mars could maybe be called a kid, but again, Petrel is absolutely not a "kid" in any measure. You also shifted into the wrong tense again at "the young man is keeping his cool," which should be "the young man was keeping his cool."

    “You stupid, wimpy, lame-o kids talk too much!” the guy yelled.

    “What? Stupid? Wimpy? Lame-o?” the older red head laughed. “Sorry, baby but that’s some pretty childish vocabulary coming from someone who claims to be an adult. No one’s going to take you seriously now…”
    I'm assuming that line was meant to be humor.

    “I’m a Team Ghetsis administrator, and you have to be in the eighteen to twenty five ranges to obtain that rank, so of course I’m an adult,” the guy said as his frustration spiked. “And who do you think you are lady?”

    “I think I AM a former team executive and a pretty intelligent and awesome one if I do say so myself,” she replied. “I cannot say the same for you though, so sorry.”
    Wait, this woman was Ariana?

    I would advise you to depict her in a less generic fashion, because it was very hard to tell who this was. With two redhead characters in the same scene it can become hard to tell who each person is.

    Petrel raised his hands as a signal to stop everyone from fighting. At this point, I want to get this resolved so that I could be with my girl!
    Who is his girl?

    “Hey! Do you want to resolve this or not?” the pink haired young man said with a spice of frustration in his voice.

    The Team Ghetsis administrator puts his hand up to his chin and starts scratching it. “Why yes, kid I do. No better way to resolve this than with a Pokemon battle! If I lose, I will take my grunts and leave. But if you lose, not only will I get those findings, but Mars and the old lady gets it…”
    More tense problems.

    This should read "The Team Ghetsis administrator put his hand up to his chin and started scratching it." Furthermore, the end needs to be "Mars and the old lady get it."

    He came closer to the young man as he pulled on his scarf in intimidation. “So… what’s it gonna be?”

    Without hesitation, Petrel shoved the admin off of him as he gave him a challenging grin. “I accept your challenge Team Ghetsis!”
    And fine.

    You're definitely improving. However, you need to work more on your characterization and definitely on your tenses, because those appear to be your biggest problem. You could get a lot of use from a beta reader.

    (Banner by Matori)
    Beyond all ideals, the truth shall set you free...
    Most Recent: 17: The Bard and the Diva
    Next: Winter of Discontent

    The steps on the road to the truth.
    The Firestorm Rebellion
    The Victory Star of Fate


    Glacidia Network - The Home for Fanworks
    Best Wishes appreciation blog

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Posts
    1,594

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    It was a cold Saturday afternoon and it was snowing. There was about three inches of snow on the ground and the weather service said that there would be at least five or six inches of snow by the end of the day.
    Was is singular, inches is plural. Use “were” instead.
    He began to walk up and down the sidewalk to kill time while kicking the snow that was on the ground. He managed to bump into a few people by accident while doing so. He made sure he apologized to everyone as he still paced up and down the sidewalk.
    Perhaps “continued to” would work better than still?
    As he was walking, he noticed that on the other side of the street, there was a rest area with many benches, a drink machine and four bathrooms. The young man looked both ways before crossing the street.
    Um, is it really that important to note that Petrel knows his road-safety procedures? This could work better if the inclusion actually added something to the overall story – he could notice holiday decorations if this is set around a holiday season or something like that so something is actually added to the atmosphere of the scene when he does this.
    She looked like she was an older girl, looked to be around her late twenties or early thirties.
    By the age of 21, the word you are looking for is “woman.”
    The young man just looked at her with confusion on his face. He’s known quite a few girls in his short life and some girls were even infatuated with him. If someone were to come up to him and say they know him, chances were that he would recognize them as well. But this one… ‘I think I can kind of recognize her but I can’t put my finger on it…’ he thought as he scratched his head.
    Two points. First: Petrel appears the oldest out of the Rocket Executives, so I’m not sure just how young you’re making him here. Is this the past? The constant insistence of all your characters being young is a little strange too, now that I think about it.

    Second: The bolded statement has problems. Ellipsis (…) can be used to indicate a voice trailing off, but usually isn’t used that way in narration. It just makes it look like your thought was incomplete and you just went on to the next one anyway. It might be better written as “ . . . For some reason, he could not recall this particular person.

    I kind of recognize her, but I can’t put my finger on it, thought Petrel as he scratched his chin.”
    “Um… not to be rude because I am not like that to girls but who are you?” the pink haired young man asked.
    Why would being rude to girls be so much more different than being rude to guys? Can’t he just say “I’m not like that [to people]” and leave it at that?
    “Hm… you don’t know who I am?” the girl said as she lowered an eyebrow.
    lowered an eyebrow? I’ve heard “raised” or even “quirked” an eyebrow, but usually “lowered” isn’t the word you would use here.
    He just stood there, looking this girl square in the eye. She was already beginning to be a mystery. Even more so when she said that she knew him. ‘I must know her if she knows me this much’ he thought as he just stood there nervously. That was until he heard someone scream from a far. It sounded like a girl and that she was in trouble. Petrel and the red haired girl both looked around confused. When they looked behind them, another girl was running towards them.

    She also had red hair, except in a lighter shade. This girl also was dressed rather weirdly. She had on a long-sleeved, white mini dress with thin black stripes coupled with dark blue leggings. As she stopped and leans forward to take a short breather, they noticed that she had a dark yellow G on the corner of her dress, which meant that she was part of Team Galactic, the space team. As soon as she stood up, she immediately noticed the pink haired young man just standing there looking puzzled.
    Oh, goody, it’s an Evil Team Convention. Although I must say, Mars doesn’t seem the type to scream and run for help. Where are you getting that?
    “Oh, a Team Rocket member!” she exclaimed as she ran towards Petrel, hiding behind him. “Please help me. I’m being chased by some goons called Team Ghetsis.”
    Team Ghetsis. I didn’t really mention this before because I had other points I wanted to make sure I got to, but “Team Ghetsis” just sort of makes me cringe every time I read it. Not a single one of the Teams has been named for its leader like that, and it makes even less sense to do so with Team Plasma than just about any other one. In B/W, Ghetsis was all about working his puppets from behind the scenes and only making moves of his own (rather than as a “servant” of N) when he was backed into a corner. I don’t have B/W 2 yet, but I know the team is still called “Plasma” in it.
    The teams outfits were mostly like school boy and girl outfits mostly used to make others think they were innocent.
    Why? If Team . . . Ghetsis . . . is an openly criminal group, as they appear to be by their actions in your other stories, why would their uniform be an attempt to play innocent? It’s their uniform – the thing that identifies them in a crowd as not-innocent criminals.
    “Pickin’ on a pretty girl, eh? Don’t you three have any chivalry?” Petrel asked as he smiled at them. “I would have thought that even Team Ghetsis members were respectful to girls. So, don’t you want to tell me why you are after these findings?”
    Special treatment to girls to protect them because you think they’re weak (i.e. chivalry) =/= respectful to girls.

    Shouldn’t it be bad if they’re picking on anybody? If Saturn was the one coming to Petrel for help for some reason, would Petrel just leave him to the grunts? Petrel is basically saying he only cares if there’s a girl involved. And then only if she’s pretty.

    Possible fix: “Three against one, eh? Don’t you three have any honor?” Petrel asked . . .
    “ . . . Now, if Mercury there would just be a good little girl and tell me where they are…”

    “Umm actually it’s Mars,” the younger girl said as she tried to correct the Team Ghetsis member. “Big difference if you think about it. I mean Mercury is the hottest planet in the solar system-“
    This part is a little funny at least, and makes some sense in that the grunt-level members of a team tend not to be the most informed.
    “I’m a Team Ghetsis administrator,
    This, however, makes the previous mistake of their target’s name a little less believable. One would think that to be a high-ranking member of any of the Teams, they’d at least have to be able to keep a target’s name in mind.
    Petrel raised his hands as a signal to stop everyone from fighting. At this point, I want to get this resolved so that I could be with my girl!
    The fact that Petrel is only concerned about a date is sort of strange, too. Petrel seems the most sympathetic of the Execs, so I’d think he’d at least be a little concerned about others being hunted down rather than worrying about just himself here.
    The Team Ghetsis administrator puts his hand up to his chin and starts scratching it. “Why yes, kid I do. No better way to resolve this than with a Pokémon battle! If I lose, I will take my grunts and leave. But if you lose, not only will I get those findings, but Mars and the old lady gets it…”
    Added the é for you. And why the death threat? It just seems tacked on to show that Team . . . Ghetsis . . . is evil. Also, why would he accept these terms. If he didn’t get involved, the implication is that they’d live, just shy some info if Team G managed to get it from them. The killing part is only mentioned as a condition of Petrel’s loss, so by accepting, he puts them in more danger.

    Moreover, why can’t Mars fight for herself. She’s quite willing to battle in the games. Nothing so far has indicated that she is literally unable to – she just would rather hide and have a rival Team’s executive save her . . . for some utterly baffling reason.
    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    As the other two Team Ghetsis members went to fight the older red haired girl, the pink haired young man reached into his murse and pulled out a Poke-ball.
    “murse”? What’s a “murse?” A man-purse or something? Just say bag. Really, it won’t hurt. Also, Pokéball or Poké Ball, not poke-ball. I seem to remember that someone else has already suggested this change to you.
    “Alright! Amy, I choose you!” Petrel shouted with a smile as he threw his Poke-ball high up in the air.

    While in the air, the Poke-ball popped open and with a flash of light, the form of a bipedal Pokemon emerged. The red and blue flower-like Pokemon jumped up and down in excitement. It’s huge white spots on its head shined with the sunlight as the vileplume lets out a cheerful battle cry. The Administrator just grimaced at them as he also threw his Poke-ball in the air.

    “Hah! It’s that all you got?” he said with a mocking edge. “Go Steelix!

    With the flash of light coming from the Poke-ball, the form of a huge snake Pokemon emerged. Its metal coat glinted with the sunlight and its teeth were as sharp as nails. It let out a loud roar to intimidate its foe. However the vileplume took a more combative stance as it put its hands in front as if it was waving its fists.
    The release of the Pokemon is described fairly well. However, you use “emerged” for both. Maybe switch one out for “appeared” or something.

    Also, are they fighting just out in the middle of the city? Don’t civilians notice this happening? While I could buy the rest of what’s happened being mistaken for a heated argument, the battle would likely draw attention from normal people. There’s a reason most of the battles in-game happen on routes or (counting Castallia’s battles in B/W) in relatively open areas in the city. Battles tend to involve the surroundings, and a fight in the middle of a city would likely draw attention by shop owners worried about getting their display windows smashed in the brawl.
    “Okay, since your Pokemon is faster than mine, you take the first shot,” the admin scoffed. “And make it fast so that I could kick your *** already!”
    The teams not only use turn-based battling in a real-world environment, but they do so while they are trying to steal things or betting lives on the outcome? Evil teams using fair play is bad enough without making a real fight turn-based.

    In the real world, the faster Pokémon would strike first because it can prepare its attack and make it connect with the enemy before the other one can, not because the two trainers take a moment to compare their Pokémons’ speed stats and politely decide who gets the first turn from that.
    The flower Pokemon ran at full speed towards her foe. She then leaped in the air and took a dive towards her confused opponent. With all of her might and weight, Amy dropped on to the steelix with great net speed. She done so with so much force, that the iron snake went head first into the ground… hard enough to shake the ground. The admin was truly stunned with his jaw dropping to the ground. His opponent was indeed a force to be reckoned with, and it caught him off guard.
    “great net speed”? Do you mean “break neck speed?” Maybe?

    You also use ground to describe what Steelix smashes into twice. Maybe “hard enough to shake pavement loose from the road” might be a better way of saying the second one.
    The whole time, she kept looking at her trainer, hoping that he’d be able to save her from this mess. Petrel knew that he couldn’t risk throwing himself into the battle and attempt the break the two apart. For that, the Team Ghetsis admin could get his steelix to attack him.
    Or, you know, he might get crushed under the 30-foot-long snake whether or not it was ordered to. I mean, it could just roll over.
    ‘She’s something special considering that I named her after the love of my life and caught her with her and mind, I cannot lose her, I cannot, We’ve all had a strong bond!’ he thought as something just donned on him.
    So . . . he wouldn’t be worried about saving his theoretical Weezing named Steve because he only cares about Pokémon named Amy?

    ‘The list!’ It was recommended that trainers wrote down every move their Pokemon knows in case they forgot them. Petrel reached into his sweater pocket and pulled out a small piece of paper. On it, it had all of the moves that Amy knew. From top to bottom it read: body slam, stun spore, drain punch, energy ball. As he read the list, it really started to hit him hard. ‘Stun spore! That causes the opponent to be paralyzed!’ he thought as he looked at the scene and smiled.
    *Reads paragraph again to make sure I’m not imagining this*

    No. Just no. Amy only has four moves and a guy who was supposedly competent enough to be promoted to Executive in TR can’t remember them without a written list? This makes absolutely no sense. It makes less sense than Mars cowering in fear when she should be able to fight on her own. It makes less sense than naming the latest incarnation of Ghetsis’s pawns after their leader.

    A person who made it to the top ranks of an organized crime group cannot remember four things he probably uses regularly without it being written out for him? I really don’t want to sound harsh, but I cannot think of a tactful way to say that this makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

    Moreover, it is VERY easy to fix. Instead of having Petrel desperately trying to recall what Amy’s fourth move is, he could be struggling over whether or not he thinks Stun Spore will be enough to deal with the situation. He then would come to the conclusion that it was the best chance he had left at that point and command the move’s use. There. You still have Petrel’s desperation and the eventual solution without making Petrel look like a complete idiot who should still be grunt-level at best.
    However the steelix was struggling to move. He had been paralyzed from the stun spore powder and was preventing him from moving. He tried and tried to get up from the ground and then finally he just gave up. The admin was truly baffled at the moment. “Did I just lose my turn because of them?!’ he thought as he cursed silently to himself. He had no words to say at the moment. He nodded in disbelief as a signal for his opponent to make his next move.
    Again, turn-based battling makes no sense in the real world. Especially in situations like this one, in which at least one side is shown actively trying to kill another battler. Imagine if it had been Petrel’s Pokemon that was paralyzed – “Oh, well, I guess I can’t try to save my vileplume again until next turn because it’s his move again.”
    “That girl is too strong!” one of the grunts exclaimed.
    Petrel’s a girl? When did that happen? Or is this referring to the vileplume? Because while one can tell a vileplume’s sex from the spots on its petals, I think they’d probably think of it as a flower-monster before worrying about what gender it was.
    “Thank you for helping me… umm… Petrel was it?” she asked. “Yeah, thanks for fending off those goons. Um well…I got to go. See you.”
    Mars is certainly not the hesitant type. Also, is this supposed to imply that she’s started falling for Petrel because he dashed to the rescue, because that’s also far out of her character.

    You’re trying. I can see that. But unfortunately, this story has a good amount you’ll need to work on. First and foremost, your characters seem out-of-character. This is most obvious in the case of Mars, as she’s hardly the type to wait for someone else to save her. She even leads some of Team Galactic’s operations in game.
        Spoiler:- Mars in game:


    Likewise, for being in the title, the mystery redhead (if she really is Ariana, Petrel has absolutely NO excuse to forget the woman he’s worked with as an equal or possibly his superior, depending on how you read the black vs. white Executive outfits) doesn’t do anything, despite being mentioned in the title of the story. If a character is important enough to be in the title, she should do something to further the story.

    You also make Petrel completely incompetent by making him have to write Amy’s moves down on a list in order to remember all four of them. Four moves are not hard to remember – especially if we’re talking about a real-world setting where he’s around this Pokémon he apparently has a bond with on a daily basis rather than just whenever he decides to turn his DS on. The character in game is an Executive in Team Rocket. He’d have to be able to remember more than three moves to get to that position.

    Real world mechanics, especially taking turns based on a numerical speed stat, does not work in a real world context because Pokémon and their trainers would be acting and reacting to each other’s moves throughout the battle. This is especially when it comes to teams like Rocket and . . . Ghetsis . . . because they aren’t the type to worry about fair play in the first place.

    You are getting better at descriptions, however. The city scene was set up well and the battle – aside from the turn-based thing – was well paced and entertaining. Just work on the logic behind how characters should act and this will be much better.
    Oh, look! I wrote a fanfic! Weak (One-Shot. Rated G). Can Iris convince Bianca that she can't just avoid her problems?

    And another one: Mischief (One-Shot. Rated G). A little fun for October.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    2,075

    Default

    The Great Butler and Ememew have given you some very good feedback and said a couple of things that I wanted to say. I didn't think this was too bad so far, you've made some good effort in the descriptions department and explored some of the characters from the games. I think characterization could do with some work, and then you should be on the right track and can fill in some of the plot holes.


    ☆ Maya Fey: Ace Pokemon Trainer
    Carry On, BlisseyThe Other King☆
    Advancers Tumblr
    Banner by Sworn Metalhead at Dćdric Design ✠

  6. #6

    Default

    Before I respond to reviews and fix things and also te two reviews in some points conflict with each other so it's leaving me confused. I added something to the end of part two, from the part where Mars thanks Petrel down. This was something I was too tired to do when I posted this so that's why it felt incomplete to me. I wanted to have an extra of when Archer and Ariana both reunite on the boardwalk and discuss the events but I don' t think that's going to happen.

    I will edit later BUT I would like to ask about Team Ghetsis. I've gotten so used to calling them that because they were my made up team based on a Pokemon villein. Yes, I've played Bw2. I need suggestions for a new name unless I edit my backstory on Team Ghetsis and make it seem like Ghetsis' partner is the real leader of this team even though, she really isn't.

    ages of executives. Yeah we all don't see eye to eye on this. I didn't think Petrel looked that old to be honest. In fact I thought that Archer was the oldest the whole time thus I made him the oldest. Plus looks can be deceiving (looks at Cyrus). I didn't not make Petrel 17 like I did my last attempt at this but made him legal. I also stems from personality as well. Proton and Petrel act immature to me in the game. Petrel didn't really take it seriously thus in ,y headcanon, I think he's young and pretty laid back but immature.

    Plus side, I never though I'd get something positive out of this. Thanks guys!
    Last edited by はるひ; 18th August 2012 at 6:13 AM.
    岩根雅明=♡

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Posts
    1,594

    Default

    Read your updates, finally. I’ll start with the smaller things.
    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K
    “Why couldn’t you fight for yourself?” the older woman asked with concern in her voice.

    “I did, but all of my Pokémon lost to their buff ones,” the girl said as she panicked. “I was weak against them. Please you have to help me!”
    You may want to add a comma between please and you.

    That said, I’m glad to see you established a reason Mars needed help rather than fighting on her own. Good edit.
    “Hah! Hiding behind a man huh?” the lead guy laughed. “How typical of you. Whatever, I will still get Team Galactic’s research findings. That’s what I was sent out to do and won’t leave until I have them in hand.”
    Why is “hiding behind a man” in this guy’s words “typical” behavior for Mars? She never does this in the games, nor in the anime, to my knowledge.
    “I think I AM a former intern boss and a pretty intelligent and awesome one if I do say so myself,” she replied. “I cannot say the same for you though, so sorry.”
    “Interim” (provisional or temporary, an ‘acting boss’ in place of Giovanni), not “intern.” They look similar, I’ll admit. Simple mistake to make, simple to fix. I’m not sure why “am” needs to be emphasized here, though.
    "This way, grunts! Let me show you what a former intern boss can really do!" shouted the red-haired woman, taking off in the other direction as a burst of light came from her pokeball. "Oh and Mars, you come with me so that you can see how it's done..."
    Um . . . why doesn’t Mars just leave while the people after her are occupied with the Rockets? Wouldn’t getting away while the others act as a distraction make more sense?
    While in the air, the Poke-ball popped open and with a flash of light, the form of a bipedal Pokemon emerged. The red and blue flower-like Pokemon jumped up and down in excitement. It’s huge white spots on its head shined with the sunlight as the vileplume lets out a cheerful battle cry. The Administrator just grimaced at them as he also threw his Poke-ball in the air.
    You fixed this to be Pokeball in other spots, but here it’s still Poke-ball. “Ctrl” + “F” can help you find where any you missed are.

    Also, I just noticed that it’s (it is) should be its (belonging to it). Sorry I missed that one before!
    When he came over, he gave Mars a kiss on her lips before going over to Petrel.
    So . . . Saturn goes straight for the kissing rather than asking if she’s OK? Maybe if you want to keep the kiss in, have it written as “He smiled in relief when he saw that Mars was unhurt. He gave her an almost involuntary kiss on the lips as an expression of his joy at seeing her safe.”

    (And now you know why I don’t write shipping fics.)

    Although, and please answer seriously, I’m getting the impression that you only added this scene with Saturn and Mars kissing because I wondered if the original scene was supposed to be Mars developing a crush on Petrel. Was it? Because I only mistook it for a crush because of all the stumbling over words (something that is often used to express a character not knowing what to say because they’re taken with someone) so removing the word stumbling would have been enough to let me know otherwise. Adding a scene between Saturn and Mars just to show that they’re the intended pairing just seems forced.
    “So tell me, was it true that Team Dark was attacking Mars earlier for access to the space findings?” he asked. “Did you really defeat them? I saw them retreat as I was trying to find my way here and overheard them talking about how they got beat by some kid from Team Rocket.”
    That’s a lot of information to conveniently overhear. Maybe just shorten this to “What happened? I got here just in time to see you chase those Team Dark guys away from Mars.”

    Also, why doesn’t he ask Mars what happened instead of this “kid” (Petrel is not a kid - I know you made him a bit older, so shouldn't you at least say "guy" or "dude" here?) from Team Rocket he doesn’t know? He presumably knows Mars better than he knows Petrel, so wouldn’t he trust information from her over information from a stranger?
    The blue haired guy raised his hands in shock. “Ah! How rude of me, where’s my manners?
    “Where are my manners,” as manners = plural.
    “That’s called an old gateau,” Saturn explained. “It heals your Pokemon’s status problems. Think of it as a big block of tofu for the ones who don’t eat meat.
    I remember you asking about what this was and learning that it was not, in fact, tofu, but rather that it was cake.
    As the girl walked away, the young man left to return to the convince store where his friends awaited.
    “convenience” not “convince.”

    OK, onto bigger things.

    1) I like how you established why Mars was unable to battle for herself. That small change helps the story a lot.

    2) It’s good that the fact that Ariana’s also battling is a bit clearer in this version of the fic. The second part where she returns from dealing with the grunts still seems a little confusing, but it’s a lot better.

    3) The Team name change. While I’m still unsure about the ring “Team Dark” has, I think it’s much improved over “Team Ghetsis.”

    Some problems that still exist include:

    1) Petrel’s memory. Did something happen to his memory that the reader doesn’t know about from this fic? Otherwise, it doesn’t make sense for him to forget Ariana (they worked together closely and she was the one giving him orders. Heck, in-game, those two are the two at the Rocket Hideout, so they would have interacted).

    Likewise, it doesn’t make sense for him to have to write a list to remember four moves of a Pokémon he presumably uses often (as he’s stated to have a strong bond with her).

    Unless something significant happened to Petrel to cause memory problems, neither of these things makes sense for him to forget.

    2) Turn-based battling in the real world. Especially with the polite “you get the first move because your speed stat is higher” waiting by members of a crime syndicate. Criminals are known for playing dirty, so even if I were able to believe turn-based battles existed in a real-world scenario, I can’t swallow the idea of them standing around until the other person takes their turn. See my previous post for why turn-based stuff doesn’t seem realistic in a fic.
    Oh, look! I wrote a fanfic! Weak (One-Shot. Rated G). Can Iris convince Bianca that she can't just avoid her problems?

    And another one: Mischief (One-Shot. Rated G). A little fun for October.

  8. #8

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Ememew View Post
    Why is “hiding behind a man” in this guy’s words “typical” behavior for Mars? She never does this in the games, nor in the anime, to my knowledge.
    Maybe I should have implied it but this isn't the first time she has been targeted by Team Dark. She's been so at least two other times and in both times out of desperation, she's called on Saturn for help...

    “Interim” (provisional or temporary, an ‘acting boss’ in place of Giovanni), not “intern.” They look similar, I’ll admit. Simple mistake to make, simple to fix. I’m not sure why “am” needs to be emphasized here, though.
    Oh, I never heard of that before, good to know lol.

    Um . . . why doesn’t Mars just leave while the people after her are occupied with the Rockets? Wouldn’t getting away while the others act as a distraction make more sense?
    it would be very rude for Mars to leave while these two guys are there helping her. Also because if she left, she wouldn't be able to thank them or even make a new friend.

    Plus, I had it to where it was implied that the older girl didn't want to let Mars leave thinking that she could never defeat these guys.


    Although, and please answer seriously, I’m getting the impression that you only added this scene with Saturn and Mars kissing because I wondered if the original scene was supposed to be Mars developing a crush on Petrel. Was it? Because I only mistook it for a crush because of all the stumbling over words (something that is often used to express a character not knowing what to say because they’re taken with someone) so removing the word stumbling would have been enough to let me know otherwise. Adding a scene between Saturn and Mars just to show that they’re the intended pairing just seems forced.
    No it wasn't that, honest. The truth is, I meant to have these scene even before the reviews came but it was late and I didn't have time to write out the rest of the ending so I pretty much had a sloppy ending. But yeah, this is what I WANTED in the first place, it wasn't because of anything you said.

    That’s a lot of information to conveniently overhear. Maybe just shorten this to “What happened? I got here just in time to see you chase those Team Dark guys away from Mars.”

    Also, why doesn’t he ask Mars what happened instead of this “kid” (Petrel is not a kid - I know you made him a bit older, so shouldn't you at least say "guy" or "dude" here?) from Team Rocket he doesn’t know? He presumably knows Mars better than he knows Petrel, so wouldn’t he trust information from her over information from a stranger?
    That's true. But how would I do that? Wouldn't that take the light off of Petrel's heroic deeds?
    岩根雅明=♡

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Posts
    1,594

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    Maybe I should have implied it but this isn't the first time she has been targeted by Team Dark. She's been so at least two other times and in both times out of desperation, she's called on Saturn for help...
    A few questions arise from this.
    1) Why has she needed his help both times? She's a pretty competent battler in game and doesn't "hide behind" anyone in canon. Why does she suddenly need help now? And if they're really that tough, why can Saturn apparently defeat them like it's nothing? (Or did she wear them down to the point where Saturn only had to pick off their weakened Pokemon? Did she beat half their team while Saturn finished off the other half?)

    2) If she's already been targeted twice now, why hasn't Team Galactic done more to increase their security/given her a bodyguard? From this, it looks like Team Dark has been after her twice, she was saved twice, and then Mars and Team Galactic didn't take any other measures to make sure their opposition wasn't going to try a third time when they've already been shown to give a second attempt.
    It would be very rude for Mars to leave while these two guys are there helping her. Also because if she left, she wouldn't be able to thank them or even make a new friend.

    Plus, I had it to where it was implied that the older girl didn't want to let Mars leave thinking that she could never defeat these guys.
    It wouldn't so much be "rude" as "self-preservation" or "protecting Team Galactic's findings." It's easier to protect someone/something when that someone/thing is far away from the people trying to get them/it. She could take shelter in a nearby store until things blow over and come out to thank her protectors once they've actually won (and be ready to escape if they lost, considering she can't fight on her own because her Pokemon have already been knocked out).

    Maybe you could make Ariana's idea a bit clearer, so the reader can more easily grasp that she's dragged along to see that these guys are defeatable? I'm not really sure what Ariana wants to show Mars, because with Mars's pokemon already out of the fight, it's not like she'd be the one defeating them anyway. Unless it's to show her that these guys aren't as invincible as she thought (which could work, but might have to be made clearer), I'm not sure how Mars benefits from being kept close to her pursuers.
    No it wasn't that, honest. The truth is, I meant to have these scene even before the reviews came but it was late and I didn't have time to write out the rest of the ending so I pretty much had a sloppy ending. But yeah, this is what I WANTED in the first place, it wasn't because of anything you said.
    OK. just making sure.
    That's true. But how would I do that? Wouldn't that take the light off of Petrel's heroic deeds?
    Why would Saturn and Mars be unable to thank Petrel if he hears it from her? Why would Petrel be less heroic if someone other than him recounts the events? Newscasters reporting on heroic actions don't make the actions less heroic than if the heroes themselves told the tale, for example.

    Here's a sample of how you might do this:

    Saturn: Mars, what happened? I just saw some Team Dark guys run off. Were they after you again?

    Mars: Yeah, they were. I tried to fight them off, but my Pokemon all fainted. Luckily, I ran into these guys here. (Gestures toward Petrel and Ariana) They were able to beat them.

    Saturn (walks over to Petrel): Thanks for helping Mars. What's your name? (proceeds to thank him with the old gateau as before).

    Something like that.

    Although, now that I think about it, both Petrel and Ariana helped Mars, why does only one of them get a reward?
    Oh, look! I wrote a fanfic! Weak (One-Shot. Rated G). Can Iris convince Bianca that she can't just avoid her problems?

    And another one: Mischief (One-Shot. Rated G). A little fun for October.

  10. #10

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Ememew View Post
    A few questions arise from this.
    1) Why has she needed his help both times? She's a pretty competent battler in game and doesn't "hide behind" anyone in canon. Why does she suddenly need help now? And if they're really that tough, why can Saturn apparently defeat them like it's nothing? (Or did she wear them down to the point where Saturn only had to pick off their weakened Pokemon? Did she beat half their team while Saturn finished off the other half?)
    She needed his help because with Team Dark, when they want something, they will target people to get it. In this case, they want Team Galactic's research. In order for them to get it, they have to force it out of someone. That said, they will go after anyone they perceive as weak. That's why they won't go after Saturn or Jupiter because they are seen are stronger (plus I think they outrank Mars) and more competent. Mars however seems weak to them. She's the youngest of the three in this universe, she *looks* fragile and because their master is gone her full confidence is not there at the moment. There for, if I were a Team Dark member, I'd think she'd be an easy target. So that's why she needs help, because everytime they want something, she is their target. (likewise with Team Rocket, Ariana is their target because they see her as being weak)

    2) If she's already been targeted twice now, why hasn't Team Galactic done more to increase their security/given her a bodyguard? From this, it looks like Team Dark has been after her twice, she was saved twice, and then Mars and Team Galactic didn't take any other measures to make sure their opposition wasn't going to try a third time when they've already been shown to give a second attempt.
    Question is, what *can* they do? She's always going to be a target *unless* she herself proves otherwise.


    Although, now that I think about it, both Petrel and Ariana helped Mars, why does only one of them get a reward?
    oh, I just caught that lol. Luckily, I have an extra to this story where she DOES get something from them, but asks Petrel what it is. Plus, Petrel gives her something as well.

    Also I want to say about knowing Ariana, she WAS wearing a different outfit in the story instead of her uniform. Plus Petrel remembers alot of people, but she escapes his mind. Proton remembers who he *wants* to remember.
    岩根雅明=♡

  11. #11

    Default

    ~Extra!~


    This is an extra to the story, to kinda expand. I'll fix this part as if gets comments on it.

    The wind had started to pick up as snow dust was filling the air. Petrel came out of the convenience store with his friends and his girlfriend in tow. His arm was wrapped tightly around the pink haired girl as he was trying to keep her extra warm from his body heat. His aqua haired friend was also trying to do the same with his girl, keeping her close to him to keep her warm. As Petrel was beginning to walk away from the store, he felt something hard beneath his foot.

    He then bent down to see that he stepped on a Pokeball that was almost buried in the snow. Petrel smiled as he picked up the ball from the ground and pressed the button. A flash of light came from the ball as a small object in the shape of a star was reviled. In his hand was a small shiny gold star that was thick and lightweight. When Petrel stood up on the ground, his friend gasped when he layed eyes on the object.

    “Dude, is that a max revive?!” the young man asked. “Let me have it!”

    As he was figuring out what to do with the item, he looked straight ahead at the rest area. On one of the benches, he saw that same woman he encountered earlier. Her red hair was fluttering in the wind as she was playing with the edge of her plaid skirt. Ariana looked pretty upset as she seemed to have had her head down the whole time. ‘You know, she didn’t get a reward to saving that girl…’ thought Petrel as he suddenly figured out what to do with the max revive. ‘She looks upset, maybe this will cheer her up.’

    “You know Proton, I’d love to but, there’s someone else who deserves this more than we do,” the older man said as he started to walk towards the rest area. “Follow me; I’d like you to meet her.”

    The others followed as Petrel presumed to look both ways and then cross the street. As he approached her bench, Ariana proceeded to look up when she heard footsteps coming her way. She gave the pink haired man a small smile as he proceeded to sit down beside her, putting his hand on her back. Everyone else started to gather around him as well.

    “Hey, I’d like to give you this for helping me out,” Petrel said as he gave her the max revive.

    She took the item from his hand and looked at it pretty weirdly. When she was done fidgeting with the star, she looked at him once again with a confused expression.

    “That’s a max revive,” the pink haired man explained. “I saw it on the ground and since you helped me, I thought I’d give it to you.”

    “Thanks. That was so sweet of you…” Ariana said as she smiled at him. “Hey! Now that you are here, maybe you can help me identify an item that was given to me. Mars and her boyfriend came here again and gave me this…”

    She reached into her black purse and took out a light brown container. It was a small container with a small handle on the side and filled with a green liquid. While Proton snickered under his breath, Petrel closely eyed the item until he finally figured out what it was. Before he could explain what the item was, he used his arm to jab the aqua haired boy in the arm as a motion for him to stop laughing.

    “That’s a full restore,” Petrel said. “It’s like a max potion however this also heals your Pokemon’s status problems.”

    “Oh, okay now I see,” the red headed girl started to say. “Thanks. So… are you and Proton are still friends or are you more so now than before?”

    Proton suddenly raised an eyebrow when she mentioned his name. He gave the girl a straight face as he straightened his yellow trimmed collar. He didn’t have a nametag on him or any other identification method on his person. So how this girl knew him was indeed a mystery.

    “Wait! How the hell do you know my name?!” Proton asked in a standoffish tone. “I don’t know you…”

    Ariana nearly jumped at the boy’s question. His tone scared her quite a bit as she was trying her best to hold back tears while answering him. “Y-you don’t remember? We were on the same team two years ago. I was an interim boss in place of Giovanni…”

    “Nah, I think you’re lying,” the boy snapped. “Sorry, girly but I don’t remember anyone filling in for Giovanni. Petrel! Do you know her and do you know of anyone filling in for the boss?”

    “Proton, your cruelty needs to learn boundaries,” Petrel said in a stern voice. “Anyway, her name sounds familiar to me and I do remember an interim boss but at the same time, she escapes my memory. So I cannot say that I do or do not know her.”

    During the conversation, tears started to well up in her eyes and flow down her face. Her face was also beginning to turn red as she felt her temperature rise internally. Ariana had never felt more embarrassed in her life. She used to be such a high ranking executive for Team Rocket, and now two years later, the two guys she used to give orders to don’t even remember her. Yet, they remember each other so it seems. ‘Gee, I wish I was important enough to remember or even be considerate to!’ she thought as she had her head down. At this point, all she wanted to do was run into Archer’s arms in hopes that he would remember her and make it all better.

    “Petrel, thank you for the item,” Ariana sniffled as she got up from the bench. “Please give that note to Archer, please.

    With that Ariana walked away while holding her bag up to her chest. Off to another place where she’d hope to meet someone else, hopefully in the night hours.
    Last edited by はるひ; 31st August 2012 at 6:25 PM.
    岩根雅明=♡

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •