20th July 2014, 10:26 AM
disappearance of the moon (PG-13)
Rating: PG-13 for cursing and sexual tension (might change)
Genre: general, hurt and comfort
Main players: Cresselia, Palkia, Darkrai, Giratina, Gothitelle, Reuniclus
Status: in the works
“Hehe, are you ready to get beaten once again?” Cresselia asked in a mocking tone while letting out a small chuckle. “... and please, this time, don't make this battle a snorefest.”
“I'm ready to kick your butt this time!” Palkia yelled angrily as she tightly clenched her fists. “I've been taught some new tricks this time! You better be ready!”
Tensions were rising as the two girls stared each other down, locked in battle mode. Palkia's heart was beating quickly as she clenched her fists tighter and tighter. Chattering could be heard amongst the onlookers as the battle was getting ready to begin. The battle took place at the Foster’s School for Legendary Pokemon, a school that specializes in the education of legendary Pokemon. Every Tuesday, they held an event called “Battle Day”, a day that tested the students' ability to not only fight in a battle, but to be cool, calm and collected under pressure as well as help the students develop their special abilities.
As the school day was almost coming to a close, Palkia and Cresselia was the last battle paring for today. For Palkia, this battle has always been a do or die situation. Her opponent was a deity. She was the goddess of the moon and had great power. Such power that has always been very difficult for Palkia to match. This time however, she was ready to show how strong she was in this battle.
“I will now flip a coin to determine who goes first,” the battle referee stated as he took a poke-coin and proceeded to flip it. “Call it!”
“Heads!” Cresselia shouted in a determined manor.
Both girls watched anxiously as the silver coin flipped once in midair, fingers crossed that one of them is granted that very important first move. The coin then came down rather quickly as the referee stuck out his hand for it to land safely. When the coin landed, the human referee took a quick glance at the picture on the coin.
“Tails...” The man stated. “It's been decided that Palkia gets the first move. And... begin!”
'Yes, there's no holding back now!' Palkia thought as she wasted no time and lunged toward her opponent with fumes in her eyes. Her nails were very quickly beginning to elongate themselves into sharp claws as she began to swipe at her opponent’s face, attempting to execute a slash attack. However, before the slash could badly scratch her face, Cresselia quickly leaped to the side of the battle field, narrowly missing the attack.
“Too slow...” the moon goddess mouthed with a chuckle as her arms started to shape themselves into long pink blades.
Realizing that she has missed her mark, Palkia quickly turned to her opponent with an scowl. Ignoring that she was preparing an attack, Palkia proceeded to once again, attempt to use her slash attack. Foreseeing her chance to attack, Cresselia also lunged toward her opponent with an unreadable expression. As she got close enough, the moon goddess held her arm blades in front of her face, crossing them. As Palkia began to execute her attack, Cresselia quickly uncrossed her arms and attacked her opponent’s face with her psycho cut.
Palkia's face began to bleed sparingly as the force from the psycho cut attack caused her fall backwards on the battlefield, hitting her head rather hard. The pink haired girl was breathing heavily, trying to catch her breath as she was trying her best not to show her opponent and the other students that she was in pain. 'Oh man, I need to get off the floor before they declare me as being unable to battle!' she thought to herself as she began to bring herself to the sitting position, looking up at her powerful opponent. Cresselia looked at her with a smirk, slowly shaking her head side to side, while she signaled girl to get up. 'Why doesn't she quit now, while I still have a chance?!' the goddess thought to herself as her eyes narrowed at her water-type opponent.
“You can do it, Palkia!” a familiar voice cheered. “Show her what you can do!”
'Yes Dialga, I need to try!' Palkia quickly stood up upon hearing Dialga cheering for her and allowed bright pink spacial energy to collect on to her arm. Palkia had a small smirk on her face as she threw her arm back and released a powerful stream of light, powerful enough to to rip a hole into the fabric of space. However, before the spacial rend could hit it's mark, Cresselia dived toward the battlefield and landed on her stomach, allowing her to miss the very powerful attack by inches and the other students in the attack's path to dodge it. The tactical battler then took a small grass bracelet and proceeded to quickly wrap it around Palkia's ankle, and then jerking it in the opposite direction, causing the spacial Pokemon to once again, land harshly on her back.
“How do you like my grass knot?” Cresselia taunted as she quickly got herself off the floor. “You need to do better than that!”
Palkia, taking care not to show she was in pain, was twitching from the roughness of the grass bracelet. She was a water-type Pokemon and even though her dragon typing allowed her to not feel the full effects of grass-type attack... it was enough that she was trying her hardest to try to stand up and catch her breath, once again. However... it proved to be rather difficult as the pink haired girl stumbled on to her feet, only to be limping on the inflicted area. 'Come on! Come on!' the spacial Pokemon said to herself as silently whimpering from the pain in her back and leg.
From there, she once again, allowed spacial energy to collect itself on to her arm. While this happened, the pain was getting to be too much to handle. Palkia's leg could no longer support itself as she fell to one knee on to the battlefield. 'I... I... need... to... try...' the battler thought as she looked up at her opponent while breathing heavily. Sweat was running down her forehead as she collapsed on to the floor, allowing her attack to fade into nothingness.
“Palkia is unable to battle, Cresselia wins!” exclaimed the referee as he raised the white flag.
Cheering roared through the playground as the students clapped and cheered. Palkia on the other hand, tears formed in her ruby red eyes as she tightly clenched her fist and slammed it against the floor many times in anger and frustration. She had just been defeated... again.
“WHY CAN'T I WIN?!!!” Palkia screamed out as she began to cry.
“Because... your a loser. That's all there is to it,” Cresselia said softly as she got down on one knee. “If you want to be worthy of calling yourself “strong” and “smart”, then you need to learn how to battle. Your battling skills suck! Even preschoolers can battle better than you. To be honest... you'll never be like your mother... ever.”
Cresselia got off the floor and proceeded to walk the opposite direction. Her words stung like needles. All Palkia had wanted as to be strong and worthy. And she couldn't even beat her own bully at that! Those words echoed in her head as she quickly got herself of the floor and clenched her fists in anger. Palkia was breathing rather heavily as she engulfed herself in a furious aura. Sharp bolts of spacial energy were now jolting as she was shaking. 'She WILL pay!' Palkia thought as she walked into the classroom, in her angry aura.
22nd July 2014, 11:46 PM
To be completely honest, this needs some work. It's not that it's poorly written... Actually, I like the idea of human versions of Pokemon at a battle school (though I'd like to learn that they look human earlier on). Battle schools are pretty common in manga, but it's an idea that has potential, and using it for Pokemon is an interesting twist. But so far, I just don't have any interest in the characters. I mean, I understand the impulse to begin with something dramatic instead of character background... but if I don't care about the characters, I don't care about the outcome of the battle. The dialogue is pretty generic, too... I mean, taunting is a common device for rival characters, but I think it should be more personal.
Fortunately, this should be pretty easy to fix. You have ample opportunity here to write in flashbacks. Like, it's mentioned that Cresselia bullies Palkia; why don't you show an instance of that? Or a few? Make me want Palkia to win. Also, I want to know what's at stake here-- why does she want to win so badly? Why is winning important to her? That's the kind of information you need to make readers feel invested.
23rd July 2014, 5:16 AM
Even though I'm not finished with this story and it's just the first chapter, I am thankful for your comment
24th July 2014, 10:35 PM
Well, yeah, I get that, but it's important to draw people in with your first chapter; you need to make them want to know what happens next. Oh, no problem!
Originally Posted by はるひ