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Thread: Brothers' Bond (PG-13)

  1. #26
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    Why couldn’t he just pass right through the door like a ghost?
    I liked that part quite a bit. It's pretty realistic as I can see myself feeling like that, especially when I'm in a hurry

    He had briefly considered getting his cell phone out of his locker between classes, but it wasn’t worth having his whole PokeGear taken away again.
    That part stuck out to me as well. I've noticed that you're really adept at describing things that happen in schools. Wether it be electronics taken away, or people being bullied because of their choices, etc. You have a really good handle on the things that would actually go on in a school setting. I like it

    “Vlam.” It was the only word that Sam’s brain would release.
    That was touching. I like the thought of him trying to please Tommy. He looks up to him, and probably wants to give it to him because of all the responsibility he's taken on since their father's death. It was a really nice sentiment

    Sam started digging through the pile of coupon periodicals and credit card offers
    Nicely done as well. I swear, I get credit card offers daily, and they go straight to the trash

    All in all, I really liked the chapter. Tommy's sacrifice for Sammy and their house was really great, and I'm not ashamed to say that this chapter got me slightly emotional. Very well written, and you expressed Tommy's love in a very subtle, yet satisfying way. I really felt like you did a complete turnaround from your earlier chapters, and it really shows. The flashbacks are a nice touch too, although they seem somewhat intentional (which obviously they are since you're writing them), however, spacing them out a bit more might make them feel a little more fluid. One thing that may help as you're writing these flashbacks, is have a certain memory, or item, or action throw Sammy into it, which may make it feel more natural and not so bouncy.

    Chapter length got better in this chapter, but it's still leaving me kinda unfufilled. I want more, which is good, but I felt like the chapter ended before it should have. As I read on, I imagined that Sammy would confront Tommy when he got back, or would refuse dinner when Tommy made it, so he could show how commited he was to his schoolwork. Or really anything to continue on the chapter in a way that built on the really great scene that was happening. I'm really liking what I'm seeing so far, I just need more when it comes to each chapter lol

    All in all, I enjoyed what you did here. I can tell you're improving. And other than a word or two I would have used differently, I couldn't really find anything I didn't like, besides the things I mentioned. I'm looking forward to reading more. Good Job!

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the amazing banner-


  2. #27
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    I really felt like you did a complete turnaround from your earlier chapters, and it really shows.
    I was struck by this line, and I felt compelled to ask what you thought had changed. Not saying I disagree, but I wasn't consciously aware of having changed anything, so I was curious as to what you noticed different so I could keep doing it since you liked it.

    Wether it be electronics taken away, or people being bullied because of their choices, etc. You have a really good handle on the things that would actually go on in a school setting. I like it
    I also especially appreciate your comment about my being in touch with a teenager's life, because one of my two primary stories is a story about kids in high school, and I CONSTANTLY feel like, as an elderly 31 year old man, I'm insanely out-of-touch with actual high school kids. So I certainly like anyone telling me that I'm not. Makes me feel good.

    The flashbacks are a nice touch too, although they seem somewhat intentional (which obviously they are since you're writing them), however, spacing them out a bit more might make them feel a little more fluid. One thing that may help as you're writing these flashbacks, is have a certain memory, or item, or action throw Sammy into it, which may make it feel more natural and not so bouncy.
    I actually completely agree with everything you said there. I've thought about having the linking moment/item between the current flashback and the current present moment, but it just hasn't panned out as well as I want. The Prologue had Caterpie and Vulpix, then chapter 1 showed that Sam now had both. But aside from that, I've not been linking nearly as well as I want. And I think the flashbacks MAY get spaced out a bit more from here out; I just wanted to get those three flashbacks in particular done since they were all so vivid to me. But I will endeavor to do better with them from here-out.

    Also, I don't want to leave you feeling out-to-dry. I totally intend to get into Requiem as soon as I can. I am just also trying to catch up to diamondpearl876's story which was several chapters in when I started, too. If I get a lunchbreak today, hopefully I'll be able to read the most recent two chapters of his story, and that puts yours next in queue.


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  3. #28
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    I was struck by this line, and I felt compelled to ask what you thought had changed. Not saying I disagree, but I wasn't consciously aware of having changed anything, so I was curious as to what you noticed different so I could keep doing it since you liked it.
    To be honest, I really can't explain it. The chapter just felt better organized, more fluid, if that makes sense. If you didn't do anything different, then nvm lol, but I liked it

    I also especially appreciate your comment about my being in touch with a teenager's life, because one of my two primary stories is a story about kids in high school, and I CONSTANTLY feel like, as an elderly 31 year old man, I'm insanely out-of-touch with actual high school kids. So I certainly like anyone telling me that I'm not. Makes me feel good.
    You're insight is very good and realistic. So for being out of high school for that long and still having an understanding, kudos to you

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the amazing banner-


  4. #29
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    I actually quite like the way the flashbacks work; in fact, to me, they seem less like flashbacks and more like you've just deliberately chosen to tell the story out of chronological order. It gives me the feeling of slowly piecing together everything that happened to the brothers, which I assume is what you were going for, and it does make things more interesting than they'd likely have been if you'd just given us everything chronologically.

    I can kind of see where the other reviewers are coming from on them seeming a bit... disconnected, though. It might help if you had more of Sam actively recalling them, perhaps - maybe put a past scene and a present-day scene in the same chapter with some kind of transition between the two. It would be nice to get more of a feeling that all these things that happened to young Sammy have affected and influenced who Sam is today, rather than feeling almost like they're kind of two separate characters - especially as Sam's relationship with his brother, which we've so far only seen in the past scenes, is clearly going to be the driving force for whatever he'll be doing in the present.

    I like the way you portrayed Vlam and Bree in the lab's waiting room. Even though Pokémon in this fic are seemingly further towards the animalistic end of the spectrum than in a lot of fics, you still gave them each a distinct personality and I for one found them rather endearing. It's nice how Sam thinks of them as "sisters"; makes sense, seeing as their respective owners are brothers. I was going to point out an issue in the earlier chapters I'd had with the narration calling them "it" despite that Sammy clearly knew their gender and wouldn't be the type to ignore it, but that's been fixed in the more recent chapters.

    I also enjoyed the brief snippet of Vlam's battle back in chapter 2. Her strategy with maximising Confuse Ray's effect was clever and more interesting to read than just attacks blasting back and forth, and it did a good job of establishing Tommy as the skilled trainer he's meant to be. While it seems this fic might not have that many battles, as you've said it focuses mostly on the human characters, hopefully any future battles there are will be similarly well-thought-out, especially as Sammy's apparently just as skilled as his brother.

    I tend to really love close platonic relationships in fiction, as well as characters who'd do anything for the sake of someone they care about, so I get the impression that I'm going to start enjoying this even more once we get into the real meat of the story. I look forward to learning the answers to those little questions such as when and how Vlam evolved and where Tommy is in the present day, too.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


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    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

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  5. #30
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    By the way...that makes me sound kind of skeevy or something, that I'm writing about high school kids! For clarification's sake, these are characters I created when I was 19, and have been perpetually re-working (and re-re-working and re-re-re-working) for the last decade+. They are my babies.
    Last edited by Sid87; 25th April 2012 at 6:06 PM.


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  6. #31
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    I actually quite like the way the flashbacks work; in fact, to me, they seem less like flashbacks and more like you've just deliberately chosen to tell the story out of chronological order. It gives me the feeling of slowly piecing together everything that happened to the brothers, which I assume is what you were going for, and it does make things more interesting than they'd likely have been if you'd just given us everything chronologically.
    That is actually it exactly. You just managed to phrase it more eloquently than I have at this point.

    I can kind of see where the other reviewers are coming from on them seeming a bit... disconnected, though. It might help if you had more of Sam actively recalling them, perhaps - maybe put a past scene and a present-day scene in the same chapter with some kind of transition between the two. It would be nice to get more of a feeling that all these things that happened to young Sammy have affected and influenced who Sam is today, rather than feeling almost like they're kind of two separate characters - especially as Sam's relationship with his brother, which we've so far only seen in the past scenes, is clearly going to be the driving force for whatever he'll be doing in the present.
    This is 100% true, too. I wish I'd been doing a better job with that, as I'd mentioned earlier. I am going to work harder at it going forward, of course.

    I tend to really love close platonic relationships in fiction, as well as characters who'd do anything for the sake of someone they care about, so I get the impression that I'm going to start enjoying this even more once we get into the real meat of the story. I look forward to learning the answers to those little questions such as when and how Vlam evolved and where Tommy is in the present day, too.
    I'm certainly glad you enjoyed what you read, and I look forward to hearing more from you in the future! Sorry for the short replies to what you said, but I'm still at work sneaking some replying in while waiting to hear on my afternoon meetings. Shhh.


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  7. #32
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    Chapter 5: Present Day

    Sam felt less secure in Rowan’s laboratory than he previously had in the lobby. The lab had no windows, only lifeless fluorescent bulbs above him. One, which was not quite in the center of the ceiling but a few feet to the right, flickered continuously since Sam and the professor entered. Amidst all the other lights that glowed flawlessly, this one shouldn’t have bothered anyone; it barely registered in the room that something was off in the lighting, but it still reminded Sam that the light was not natural. The laboratory seemed to be cut off from all signs of life and nature whatsoever, actually. There was no weaving plant here to integrate itself into blinds; to that point, there were no windows to blind there at all. The sterile white walls held no portraits or paintings. The floor was a hard vinyl surface that helped reflect the chill from the air conditioning upwards. Sam yearned for the natural light, hardwood walls, and vegetation of the waiting room as he pondered how a professor who assists in raising young pokemon can operate in such a dead room.

    “I’m sorry I asked you to put your pokemon away--what were their names again?”

    “Vlam and Bree,” Sam answered, his voice as lifeless as the room. He made no attempt to differentiate which was the Ninetales or the Butterfree. His brain was busy being shuffled back through countless rooms like this one, where he received disheartening word after disheartening word for more than 12 months now. The image of Vlam curling around Rowan’s feet and the hopefulness that her analysis of his character provided felt like they had happened to someone else he might have read about in a story. All he could think of was his rage at useless so-called medical experts. And his brother’s black, emotionless eyes.

    “Yes, Vlam and Bree. I’m sorry I asked you to put Vlam and Bree away before coming here. This is where I work on any sick pokemon that come my way. You’ll understand that I need to maintain as germ-free an environment as possible, right?”

    Sam nodded, but all he could ponder was how anyone--human or pokemon--could possibly feel better while in this room.

    “You seem discomforted here. I apologize, Sam. I merely hoped we could speak in private. Speaking of going after our continent’s legendary pokemon...that is obviously a sensitive matter. I wouldn’t want just anyone to hear you talking like that.”

    “I don’t care who hears me, professor,” Sam barked. Rowan’s words had stirred something inside him, and now his spine felt prickly. “I am going to catch them.”

    “Now now, son. I can’t imagine how you even think this possible. First of all, no one has seen or documented any proof of the legends in decades,” Rowan stopped there and appeared to be playing with numbers in his head, “possibly centuries! Secondly, you’re hardly the first headstrong young man to come to Sinnoh with designs on capturing them. It’s a countless number of trainers that have failed; how could you think you’ll succeed? And also--”

    Sam was tired of his words. Where previously the professor had spoken to him respectfully, possibly even affectionately, his words were now sharpened with the points of lecture. Sam knew he was being scolded, an insolent child who thought himself too big for his britches. “I’m not like the others.”

    Rowan’s mouth froze in mid-thought. “How do you feel so?” His words had an air of being rhetorical. He was merely humoring Sam with this question.

    Sam shook his head and turned away from the professor. This laboratory was bad enough, but Rowan’s attitude was the same as everyone else’s. The same as dozens of doctors who had no answers for Sam and looked at him like he just grew a second mouth every time he challenged their certainty. He turned away from the professor. “When they came here, why did they do it?”

    “Do what?”

    Are you following this conversation at all, old man, Sam thought but did not verbalize. “Come for the legends.” Sam turned back and Rowan was stroking his beard.

    “To become more powerful, I suppose. Either as trainers or as human beings looking for the secrets of infinite willpower or knowledge.”

    “So they came here for themselves?”

    “It would make the most sense.”

    Sam closed his eyes and thought of a still-charming man confined to a hospital bed, having not spoken a word or moved a muscle in a year’s time. Sam thought of eyes that used to invite you into conversation, and that now were as empty as the vacuum of space. Sam thought of Tommy.

    “Well I don’t want the legends, Professor Rowan. I don’t want to train them, I don’t want to battle with them, and I don’t want their secrets. I need them to save my brother’s life. Or give him one back,” his voice began failing with uncertainty. “I don’t know...I don’t know what I need them to do, but I...I need it...”

    “Your brother...Tommy.” Rowan’s eyes rolled to the top of his head as if he could see the lightbulb going on there. “I am sorry, I had forgotten you had one. It’s been so long…” He pushed his hands into the pockets of his vest; it reminded Sam of a chided young boy who felt guilty about something. “But I don’t understand. How could the legends help him?”

    Sam had steeled himself for having to do this, and so he began his explanation of something that had happened just over a year ago, but had roots much deeper in his past than that. He told the story of Tommy Stark, an amazing young man who thought nothing of raising his younger brother after their father died. Tommy, who sacrificed everything just to make sure that Sam would never want for anything.

    A year ago, Tommy's sacrificing for Sam should already have been over. Sam had been a year out of college; he should have been finding a job. But the job market was hard for everyone, so Sam was still living at home. He often wondered if he would move out even if he had his own job. At twenty-four years old, his brother was all he’d ever known. Tommy worked two jobs at that point; he had long-since been promoted to manager position of the Goldenrod Department Store, but he was working part-time at the Pokemon Center, too. Tommy never said it aloud, but Sam knew he missed battling, and working at the Center gave him the chance to be around pokemon and trainers all day. Was Tommy jealous of Sam? Sam was in the World Pokemon League just like Tommy had so briefly been. Was he jealous to see Sam living the life that should have been his? He always seemed so happy, so proud. Sam hated wondering if he himself could ever be so selfless with his life because he feared he’d not like the truth of the answer.

    Sam had already had a busy day that evening when he finally arrived home. Leaving Tommy at home to tend to the headache his older brother woke up with, he had spent the morning at the CareerLink working on his resume and finding job listings. He managed to drag himself out to a few places that were looking for entry-level workers. He’d finally given up looking for work that would put his degree in Pokemon Psychology to use, so at that point, anything would have worked. Tommy told him that eventually they’d need counselors at the Pokemon Center, but there were just no openings currently, so Sam wanted something to merely get him through until that day. He barely got out of his last meeting in time to get to his WPL match in the afternoon. Coach William Overton, a lanky older man with too much product in his fiery hair, chewed Sam out for almost missing his check-in time, but all was forgiven when Sam swept his rookie opponent away. After a few customary interviews and the post-match handshake, it had been safe to say the only thing on Sam’s mind was when he would start getting matches on prime-time television.

    Tommy had cheered Sam away from such distraction by preparing stuffed porkchops, one of Sam’s favorites, for dinner that evening. Sam remembered their discussion that day about the match and the job-hunting, and how a few times, he saw Tommy shaking his right hand as if he was trying to clear it of invisible spiders. Sam didn’t think much of it at the time, just that his brother must have burned himself on the casserole dish and was flinching in pain. They sat at the table, and Tommy began telling Sam that he thought there was going to be an opening at the Pokemon Center soon. One of the resident pokemon therapists was apparently interviewing in Azaela for a head counselor position, so Sam would have a possible foot in the door in the coming weeks.

    After dinner they settled in to watch some other WPL Johto matches--Tommy was always very insistent that Sam study as much of his opponents as possible—and it was then that Sam noticed something: Tommy was trying to describe the methods of one of the trainers they were watching, but his words weren’t coming out right. It was like there was a fog hanging in front of his mouth catching the words as he made them.

    “A few seconds after that, he collapsed. He’d suffered a massive stroke,” Sam’s voice felt tiny as he finished relaying the memory to the pokemon professor. “He’s been catatonic ever since.”

    Both men were silent for some time after that, and Sam actually appreciated it. As much as it pained him to do so, Sam had relayed this story several times since it happened, and so many times the other person’s reaction has been to saccharine their voices and pull Sam into a hug and tell him what a “poor thing” he is. In contrast to that, he admired what he viewed as reverent silence from Rowan. All good things, as they say, do come to ends, and Rowan broke the space between them.

    “I would never make so little of your pain as to say that I know what you’re going through, Sam. My parents both lived full lives, and my sisters are both with me today and have given me beautiful nieces and nephews. What you’ve gone through is awful. But it doesn’t answer the question of why you think the legends can help you.”

    “My brother is stuck in a bed, unable to will himself move. He’s forgotten everything about his previous life. And he can’t remember his relationships. Not with Vlam and not with me. Do you see what he’s missing? Willpower, knowledge, and emotion.”

    Rowan’s eyes widened. “Son, you’re talking about mythical abilities attributed to legendary pokemon. Not only are we not sure they still exist, but we have no way of knowing if they are truly responsible for such matters.”

    “Well what else am I going to do?” Sam’s voice grew large again. “Go see a specialist? Or a homeopathic doctor? Oh wait, I already have! More than I can count. I haven’t found a single human being alive that has an answer for the severity of stroke that Tommy suffered. And if I can’t find a human…”

    “It’s…not unheard of. There’s certainly healing abilities in the pokemon kingdom that have proven useful on human conditions. But what you are asking for…what you are expecting…”

    “Professor, I’m going to do this. I’m going to at least look for them. I don’t know what else to do. It’s the only shot I have left.”

    Again, Rowan was silent. Sam knew he was carefully considering his response. He probably didn’t believe in what Sam needed to do, but perhaps he would at least empathize with it. Finally he replied, “I can’t leave my lab or my offices. I simply have too many people that depend on me. But if this is something you truly want to do, I can send an assistant to guide you around Sinnoh. I will be honest, Sam, I think you’d have a better chance chasing the end of a rainbow; I honestly do. But as a favor to your family, I’ll help you as much as I can within reason.”

    It was all Sam could have asked.




    I promise in chapter 6, this story is totally going to start actually HAVING pokemon in it instead of just passively talking about pokemon or pokemon-related things.
    Last edited by Sid87; 21st May 2012 at 7:27 PM.


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  8. #33
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    New chapter = YAY.

    Sam yearned for the natural light, hardwood walls, and vegetation of the waiting room as he pondered how a professor who assists in raising young pokemon can operate in such a dead room.
    "Can" should be "could". That aside, I really like the comparison you've put in this sentence.

    His brain was busy being shuffled back through countless rooms like this one, where he received disheartening word after disheartening word for more than 12 months now.
    I thought you built up the suspense until near the end where Sam relates what happened to Tommy very well. It wasn't too informative but very intriguing, particularly when they were discussing the fact that other Trainers only want the Lake Trio for themselves.

    A year ago, that should long have been over.
    This confuzzled me slightly. Is this implying that the events of the year (aka Tommy being in a coma) have stretched the year out metaphorically so it is longer?

    “A few seconds after that, he collapsed. He’d suffered a massive stroke,” Sam’s voice felt tiny as he finished relaying the memory to the pokemon professor. “He’s been catatonic ever since.”
    I'm sorry, this was an "Awwww" moment. Although...
        Spoiler:- theory::


    I'm wondering whether Vlam's evolution was his choice or Sammy's, though. That'll be interesting to find out (assuming you characterise the Pokémon that way - I know not everyone does.)
    Originally Posted by Missingno. Master
    And my authorish side must tell you that logic doesn't trump diddly in this story. Klang can fart. Plain and simple.

  9. #34
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    This confuzzled me slightly. Is this implying that the events of the year (aka Tommy being in a coma) have stretched the year out metaphorically so it is longer?
    That's one of the things I agree on 100%, but I couldn't figure out how to fix it. I proofread this section twice and BOTH times, I hit that line and even I had to think "Wait, what?" It really is awful. It's SUPPOSED to say that a year ago, Tommy should have been done having to "parent" his younger brother, but you're right...it can read as almost anything else. I need to fix it eventually.

    Thanks for the rest of the comments and the speculation (which is always fun).


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    That is a really oddly phrased part, I agree. I had a brainstorm just now, and I couldn't find a way around it...did you try rephrasing the paragraphs around it?
    Originally Posted by Missingno. Master
    And my authorish side must tell you that logic doesn't trump diddly in this story. Klang can fart. Plain and simple.

  11. #36
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    I just changed it to "A year ago, Tommy's sacrificing for Sam should already have been over.". How's that look?


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  12. #37
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    Much better. This is just a suggestion, and sorry if I'm being too picky, but I thought of this:

    A year ago, Tommy's sacrificing himself for Sam
    What do you think?
    Last edited by PhantomDragon; 1st May 2012 at 8:11 PM. Reason: Well well, Mister Bold...
    Originally Posted by Missingno. Master
    And my authorish side must tell you that logic doesn't trump diddly in this story. Klang can fart. Plain and simple.

  13. #38
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    I haven’t read any of your other reviews so sorry if I point things out that were already mentioned.

    I quite liked the description at the beginning of the chapter. You did a good job at showing how the room was lifeless rather than just saying “the room was lifeless” and leaving it at that. It was also kind of creepy and very fitting for the setting, I think. The dialogue between Sam and Rowan was also good. Rowan's reactions to Sam's actons were perfectly reasonable and they made sense for his character (or how I imagine his character to be).

    “Vlam and Bree,” Sam answered, his voice as lifeless as the room. He made no attempt to differentiate which was the Ninetails or the Butterfree.
    Should be “Ninetales”. I’d get in the habit of trying to remember that spelling. I know it can be tricky, but Vlam seems important to the story, so yeah.

    His brain was busy being shuffled back through countless rooms like this one, where he received disheartening word after disheartening word for more than 12 months now.
    12 should be “twelve”. It’s pretty much an unspoken rule that you should always spell out numbers under one hundred.

    I was also going to say that if you read this, having the word “disheartening” appear twice so close in a row kind of ruins the flow, but now that I think about it, I like it, since Sam’s thoughts keep trying to be interrupted. The flow being interrupted represents this in a way.

    One of the resident pokemon therapists was apparently interviewing in Azaela for a head counselor position, so Sam would have a possible foot in the door in the coming weeks.
    “Azalea”

    Anyway… This family just doesn’t have any luck, huh? This chapter certainly resonated with me, especially the part about Tommy having a stroke. When I was 8 my mother had a sudden stroke when I was alone with her, and she was catatonic for an entire year afterward. No one knew what to do, no matter where my father put her. Not the same exact situation, but close enough for me to relate to your story on a very personal level, which is a good way to get to reader’s emotions and have them become attached to your story. I’m sure others can relate with stroke-related incidents as well. Your story also makes me think more about how far we will go to help the ones we love. Even if Sam's actions seem completely irrational or crazy, the intentions are pure, and perhaps that’s what counts the most.

    I look forward to more.

    | survival project |
    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | complete |


    | flying in the dark |
    | he's hiding something. she just doesn't know it. |
    | on hiatus|


    | love and other nightmares |
    | limited time, limited abilities. kyurem says she can be cured in exchange for saving those who need saving. |
    | chapter 1 released |


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    1) Thanks. I, personally, actually had a lot of fun writing about the room, and I hoped it didn't come across as just meandering around a point. I'm glad you appreciated it.

    2) It's so weird that I've been playing Pokemon since 1999 and NEVER noticed that is how it's spelled. I can't believe that.

    3) It's also odd that I missed that 12 because I've made such a concentrated effort to change every other numeral I accidentally typed out. I wonder how that one slipped by me. Ah well.
    3A) I'll have to re-read that and correct it. I hadn't caught that in my readthroughs, which is silly; those thinhs usually REALLY stick out to me.

    4) Another word I didn't know how to spell.

    I'm glad you were able to associate with this chapter, and thanks for the advice. I've actually NOT had any strokes in my family, but I can imagine how awful they must be. I'm truly sorry to hear about your mom. I hope you enjoy the story going forward!


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    Took me awhile, but I'm here.

    I felt like you did a good job describing Rowan's lab. It made me think that Sam is more accustomed to sleeping outdoors than indoors for some reason. The whole description really stood out for me mainly because you made his discomfort in the room seem very real and believeable. In the last chapter he spoke with so much confidence about finding the three pokemon, but now when you described the room he's in, it's almost like he's unsure of himself. It's funny how something as simple as a room can put someone on edge. Its happened to me a few times before. The room where they have CAT scan machines >.>

    To be honest, I had forgotten they were in Goldenrod until you mentioned that Tommy had been promoted at the department store. As you described the interviews, WPL, CareerLink, I found myself wanting to know more about Goldenrod. What do the buildings look like, is it crowded, what's the weather like? I know that Goldenrod is just a byproduct of the story, but for me it would help to get a little bit of a clearer picture of what's happening if I could picture the setting better. I know at this point in the story you're just telling what happens to Tommy and there's not really alot of room for description, but that's just one thing that stuck out for me.

    have burned himself on the casserole dish and was flinching in pain.
    I felt like that sentence would have been better if you had put 'dealing' with the pain instead of 'flinching'. To me, flinching implies a sudden, full or partial body spastic movement. I see what you were trying to say about Tommy's hand shaking, but it just read kinda odd to me.

    Nicely done on the ending, I knew there was a reason I liked Rowan, lol. Plot is starting to shape up, and I can say I'm eager to see where you take it. I was never a big fan of Sinnoh, but after reading this chapter I went to Bulbapedia and read up on those three legendaries to refresh my knowledge on them. I think you did a good job fitting them into the story with regards to Sam's approach to think of a way to help his brother.

    I promise in chapter 6, this story is totally going to start actually HAVING pokemon in it instead of just passively talking about pokemon or pokemon-related things.
    I see what you're saying here, but I don't think that you should feel that way completely. Obviously, Pokemon are an integral part of Pokemon Fanfiction, but going for stretches where they are only mentioned is not a bad thing. Pokefiction usually involves humans as well as Pokemon, and taking stretches where they dont play such an important role is never really a bad thing. Obviously you know the direction your story is going, and I DO look forward to seeing more Pokemon, but having the focus on humans and their struggles, etc, is really helpful as well. I'm sure you know that, but I felt like mentioning it.

    Good job!

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    To be honest, I had forgotten they were in Goldenrod until you mentioned that Tommy had been promoted at the department store. As you described the interviews, WPL, CareerLink, I found myself wanting to know more about Goldenrod. What do the buildings look like, is it crowded, what's the weather like? I know that Goldenrod is just a byproduct of the story, but for me it would help to get a little bit of a clearer picture of what's happening if I could picture the setting better. I know at this point in the story you're just telling what happens to Tommy and there's not really alot of room for description, but that's just one thing that stuck out for me.
    I had mentioned in passing in Chapter 1 that Sam was struck by the similarities between Goldenrod and Jubilife, but yeah...beyond describing Jubilife, I haven't touched on Goldenrod much. Good call. I feel like I've mentioned Goldenrod several times throughout the story, though (it was the city university where the brothers' dad worked; it was Sam and Tommy's high school), but if I haven't made those comments memorable enough, that's bad on me.

    Nicely done on the ending, I knew there was a reason I liked Rowan, lol. Plot is starting to shape up, and I can say I'm eager to see where you take it. I was never a big fan of Sinnoh, but after reading this chapter I went to Bulbapedia and read up on those three legendaries to refresh my knowledge on them. I think you did a good job fitting them into the story with regards to Sam's approach to think of a way to help his brother
    I was one of those odd people that LOVED Gen4, but I know what you mean. I have a whole browser window open at home with tabs dedicated to Rowan, Uxie, Azelf, Mesprit, Sinnoh, and some other things. And I'm glad you liked my Rowan.

    I see what you're saying here, but I don't think that you should feel that way completely. Obviously, Pokemon are an integral part of Pokemon Fanfiction, but going for stretches where they are only mentioned is not a bad thing. Pokefiction usually involves humans as well as Pokemon, and taking stretches where they dont play such an important role is never really a bad thing. Obviously you know the direction your story is going, and I DO look forward to seeing more Pokemon, but having the focus on humans and their struggles, etc, is really helpful as well. I'm sure you know that, but I felt like mentioning it.
    I'm worried about striking a balance between this story not having enough pokemon or pokemon battles and not feeling like I'm shoe-horning that stuff in. I don't want to do anything the story doesn't call for, but I also realize I just went two chapters where no pokemon was ever actually involved. And, to be honest, I have absolutely adored writing Vlam and Bree so far, so I do look forward to doing more of that. But having never written a pokefiction story before, my natural inclination is for it to be based around the humans. So I'm going to keep trying to walk that line between underusing them and forcing them in where they aren't needed.

    Thanks for the thoughts!


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    Damn. I get it when every grammar mistake is pointed out. And there weren't much so I commend you on that. Anyway, much like sidewinder, I saw your post in the review exchange and thought we might be able to, well, exchange. The story is very interesting and the way it is organized is something I haven't seen done, let alone this well. The plot appears to be moving at a reasonable pace. It's not too slow and you're not rushing it. I know that I sometimes tend to struggle in that area.

    I'm not too sure how I feel about your characters because, well they have no faults. The brothers are excellent battlers and both top of their class. They seem very Gary Stuish in that respect. Also, why don't they go on a journey through a region collecting badges, ribbons, symbols, or whatever else there is? Does this story take place in a time where badge collecting and the like are outlawed? Surely they would be much stronger if they went on a journey since they would encounter many different types of trainers and challenges.

    I do like the story, but as with every fic, there is room for improvement. I'll definitely be checking back for the next chapter. Until next time.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

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    Damn. I get it when every grammar mistake is pointed out. And there weren't much so I commend you on that.
    Honestly, I'm not super concerned with that, anyway. I have a degree in English Writing. My grammar is fine, it's just my typing that is lazy and poor. So I don't really need grammar lessons as much as I just need someone to occasionally point out what I mistyped. Which, admittedly, happens more than it should, heh.

    Anyway, much like sidewinder, I saw your post in the review exchange and thought we might be able to, well, exchange.
    I can try that. Sidewinder's story was already 9 chapters in when I got it, so I've been reviewing it one chapter per day on my lunchbreaks. Yours is even further in, but I may forego doing chapter-by-chapter breakdown and just do a summary until the new chapters come out (not unlike what you just did for me). It still might take me a few days to get through it, but I promise I will.

    I'm not too sure how I feel about your characters because, well they have no faults. The brothers are excellent battlers and both top of their class. They seem very Gary Stuish in that respect.
    I can see that correlation with Tommy, sure, but my only defense here is that battling hasn't mattered much in the story. It's basically a character story that also has pokemon. And to show how much Sam looks up to Tommy, it makes sense that Tommy should be good. But I don't see either of them being great battlers. In a world where I envision that pokemon battling is akin to the NFL (or soccer or the NBA or what have you), they've just been described as being good locally. They were good at their school; they were good in local competition. There are a lot of basketball players who were great in high school and maybe in a minor league, but they weren't superstars or building a career out of it. Not that I'm dismissing your claim: Tommy has really been a flawless character as we've seen him through the eyes of his brother who idolizes him, and even through that lens, I've thought the same thing: that he's too pristine. I'm going to have to do more with that in the flashbacks if I can. But Sam has been demanding, impetuous, and self-important. He's grown up from his youth, but I wouldn't call him faultless.

    Also, why don't they go on a journey through a region collecting badges, ribbons, symbols, or whatever else there is? Does this story take place in a time where badge collecting and the like are outlawed? Surely they would be much stronger if they went on a journey since they would encounter many different types of trainers and challenges.
    Basically a reiteration of what I said in my last paragraph, I always saw a pokemon-based world as being more like the NFL. With high school, collegiate, minor-league, and professional levels. I think it would quickly organize into something more money-based and entertainment-driven. But that's just my vision here. The point of the story isn't really "go around, collect the badges, become a champ", so having gyms or having a league isn't a big deal. Yet. Who knows which way the story will end up taking me, though?


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    I would normally go through and respond to individual quotes, but I'm on my iPod right now. An English degree? Good job I say. There were very minor mistypes such as "an" being in the wrong place. Other than that I couldn't spot anything. It's an interesting take on it and like I said I will be back for more. Good luck with the story.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

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    Chapter 6: Present Day

    The newly caught Shinx bounced happily at its trainer’s left side. Occasionally Bree would float down to it and let out a sharp chirp, and the Shinx would reply by rearing up on its stubby hindlegs and swatting up at the Butterfree. Bree was too quick, however, and would always flap herself just out of reach. The Shinx would let out a few yips to let it know it wanted the butterfly pokemon to come lower so they could play together. On Sam’s right side, Vlam kept up with her trainer’s gait and ignored the other two more childish pokemon.

    Sam couldn’t rationalize in his head why he felt compelled to capture the Shinx. He had already left most of his friends behind, in the comfort of neighbors and friends who pitied Sam and were happy to do what they could while he did what he had to do. Secretly, he suspected they all thought he was losing his mind, so perhaps they felt they were doing right by the pokemon to keep them out of their trainer’s mad hands. Whatever the reason, he left many of them behind and had decided only on bringing the two. Waiting two weeks for customs to clear just Vlam and Bree could have turned into an indeterminable wait if he had brought even more of his friends, and besides that, it felt right to just bring the Ninetales and Butterfree. But if that was the case, he wondered, why stop in the woods to catch the black and blue creature? Sam looked over to his left at Bree, then in the other direction to gaze at Vlam. When Sam had encountered the Shinx, it was in a forest where everything else that crossed his path fled at the sight of him. Starly and Bidoof zipped off into the high branches of their trees when alerted to Sam’s presence. But when he saw this underfed Shinx, it barely registered Sam’s existence. It had its head buried in a berry bush, live electric sparks snapping off of its tail as it crunched away. It had a small torso yearning to be filled with food, and it was not giving up its treasure no matter who was there...just like another friend he caught one day, Sam realized as Bree buzzed about his head. Was that all there was to it? He stood back and watched the Shinx trying to match Vlam’s pace on its much scrawnier and stubbier four legs. It was disinterested in Bree now, and yelped in the deepest voice Sam imagined it could muster at Tommy’s Ninetales. The elder pokemon refused to turn its head back in acknowledgment, but Sam saw her lightly flick her tail around to keep the Shinx interested. It felt good to be standing still while he watched them; he had taken a rental car to the end of the main roads, but since then he’d been walking for hours through these woods. The tall trees kept the sun off of him, and he realized, now that he was relaxing, just how sweaty he’d become. The Shinx was now swatting Vlam’s paws and barking back-and-forth, from Vlam to Bree; sparks were radiating from its tail just as it had been when he came across it. It dawned on Sam that the Shinx thought that Vlam was not aware of the Butterfree’s presence and was now trying to alert her. The name Chispa came to his mind; it seemed to suit the little girl.

    When Sam had woken up that morning in Professor Rowan’s guest bedroom, the professor told him that the assistant who would be helping Sam was already at Lake Verity. Apparently the assistant lived near to the lake and received word from Rowan to go there over night. Rowan had also been kind enough to set Sam up with a rental car. Sam asked what he owed for it, but Rowan waved him off. Sam indulged in an omelette and sausage and a warm shower after seeing the car; for the first time since arriving in Sinnoh, Sam did not feel rushed. He hadn’t realized how many meals he’d ignored lately not because he didn’t have the time, but because his mind was too burdened to think of regular sustenance. Everything seemed so imminent all of the sudden. Sam would soon find out the car was packed with tents and food and other necessities. He was taken aback by the professor’s generosity, and asked if Rowan had any final advice for him.

    “Life is full of changes of plans.”

    Those were the words Rowan had left him with late in the morning. The drive down Route 201 wasn’t terrible; it took Sam only two hours, and the weather just off of the Sandgem beach was impeccable. But where the road ended, the Verity Forest began. Sam had expected to meet the assistant there, but there was no sign of anyone. A quick call to Rowan confirmed that the assistant had already made it to the lakefront, but not to worry because the lake was a straight shot through the woods. Ninety minutes later, Sam was wondering just how much of a shot Rowan was talking about. The path was clear enough, and Sam did not doubt he was making his way there, but an endless expanse of trees gave no hint that a lake was before him. Starly who saw him called out in song to the rest of the forest, warning them to flee from possible predators. It was the only sign of life in the forest aside from when he’d encountered Chispa. The Shinx was nice, sure, but she wasn’t the Mesprit he’d come here to catch.

    Mesprit, the Being of Emotion, as it was called in legend, was rumored to be a unique psychic type pokemon that had resided at Lake Verity for centuries. The stories were that when it and its brothers were hatched from a single egg, their mere existences gave human beings abilities that they had previously lacked. Mesprit found that it could fly above the world using its vast mental powers, and when it did so, it awakened base emotions in humanity. For the first time, parents loved their children and rivals hated each other and people mourned the loss of family and friends. Sam thought of Tommy’s eyes that were no longer capable of even recognizing his own brother. Changes of plans, Sam thought, were simply not on the menu. Sam would find Mesprit and he would restore his brother. That was all there was to it.

    “Halt! These are my woods, and if you want to pass, you’ll have to battle me!”

    Sam had been so entranced in the thought of having Mesprit’s gifts bring Tommy back, he had allowed himself to be come upon from behind. He turned to see a teenage boy--not quite yet an adult--with wild blonde hair curling upwards on either side of his head. Fiery orange eyes stared into Sam’s, and the young man flung the arms of his scarf back dramatically. The weather certainly was not calling for a scarf, so Sam thought the boy must have been wearing it ironically. Shinx clawed at Sam‘s leg, clearly startled at the boy‘s booming voice, and even Vlam‘s tails had stiffened at the sound of it.

    “Excuse me?”

    “Don’t play dumb. You heard me. Battle me for the rights to walk in my woods!”

    It was the silliest thing Sam had ever heard. The woods were apparently endless, and this kid just haphazardly decided he owned them?

    “Look, I’m just looking for something. I really don’t--”

    “You can use those three jokes for pokemon if you want, buddy.”

    It would take more than that to insult Sam or get his ire up. “Get lost. Seriously.”

    “Like you already are?”

    “I know where I’m going. I’m following a path.”

    “You know where you’re going. Right. That’s why you missed the turn about 15 minutes ago that would have put you right out on the lake.”

    Sam was confused. At first that he had somehow missed an apparently obvious turn, but then at the fact that this boy knew he was trying to find the lake. “Wait...how did--”

    “How did I know you were looking for the lake? Yeah, like I’d be such a good assistant to Professor Rowan if I wasn’t out here waiting for some dumb foreigner to miss his turn.”

    “Assistant?”

    “Yeah. You’re late, by the way. I’ve been here all day. Just for that, I’m fining you a million bucks!”

    No way, Sam thought. There’s no way Rowan was working with some overeager brat like this. Was there?

    “Yeah, I’m the assistant, knucklehead,” the boy replied as if reading Sam’s mind. “Name’s Barry, and I hear you’re the fool who thinks he can catch one of our legends.”

    Sam made a mental note to talk to Rowan about the professionalism of his staff. He then made another one to talk to him about child labor laws. “How old are you, kid?”

    “Old enough to beat your sorry butt in a battle!”

    Sam groaned. Just talking to this kid felt like running a marathon. He wished he was back to being alone and lost. “Okay, I’m sorry I called you ‘kid’. How old are you, Barry?”

    Barry straightened his posture, and tightened his scarf. “I’m sixteen.”

    “Is that old enough to have some kind of internship with an established professor?”

    “If you’re concerned that I’m not up to your standards, don’t. I’ve worked with Professor Rowan for years. He gave me my first pokemon! And I’ve helped him out of some jams.”

    “What kind--”

    “Anyway, the turn you missed is back here a ways. I uprooted some bushes and used them to cover it up. I thought it’d be funny to watch you wander on past it.”

    Sam wanted to have Vlam set this kid on fire. It was suddenly the only thing he’d ever wanted in his life.

    “Come on,” Barry continued, “I got a camp set up at the lakefront and everything. We can catch up on how much more awesome than you I am there.”

    Vlam, use flamethrower. Those words tasted better in Sam’s mouth than any cake he’d ever eaten. But he swallowed them and followed the teen. Barry had fallen wordless on the way back to the missed path; he simply hummed to himself. Sam also remained quiet, but it was simply out of fear that if he opened his mouth it could only be to make his team attack the young assistant. When Barry revealed the missing ‘path’, Sam understood how he missed it: there was no way to possibly discern it! Barry must have torn up a dozen shrubs and planted them back right on the cleared walkway. What the heck was wrong with this kid? Just as gleefully as he must have placed the plants there, the youth knocked them all back out of the way.

    “It’s just about half a mile this way,” Barry announced after revealing the path.

    As they followed the path, Sam found himself oddly impressed by the young assistant’s stride. It was very upright and very swift. Even though Sam was older and taller (not that much older, Sam thought before reassuring himself that he was in his physical prime as a man in his mid-twenties), he was having a hard time keeping up with it. There was a cockiness to the way Barry moved, as if nothing could be as important as what he’d set his mind to. Sam wondered if Barry would even have noticed something as mundane as a Shinx too caught up in its meal to acknowledge that it should be afraid of him. Noticing Chispa’s failing attempt to keep up with him keeping up with his new partner, Sam withdrew his friends into their portable homes. They didn’t need any more insults from this kid, anyway.

    The lake was far bigger than Sam had imagined. He could see the other side, but it was quite a distance away and nothing distinguishable could be made out, and the length was enormous, as well. The eastern side actually disappeared into the woods, so Sam had no idea how much further that way went. Sam was not sure what he imagined would be here; perhaps a giant cave? Or a totem? Or just Mesprit itself floating above the water? But there was no sign of anything. There was a brief shoreline covered in branches and leaves, a calm lake, and then a far off opposite shore. Sam’s heart sunk in his chest; where did he go from here? The lake was unaffected by Sam’s heartbreak; calm water licked the shoreline as it was brushed in gently by the breeze between the trees. Sam could see minnows dancing in the shallowness by the shore. He glanced away from the water itself; maybe it was a red herring, he thought, so he looked all around at the trees and the shoreline. There had to be some kind of clue; some way to draw Mesprit out.

    “All right, what’s the plan, man?”

    The words bounced off the interior of Sam’s skull. Initially, he planned to stay at the lake as long as it took to find Mesprit. But now with this impatient child with him, would that still even be an option?

    “Well, we just got here. First things first, we’ll need to get my things out of my car and ready for the night. After that, obviously I need to explore the circumference of the lake. From there I’ll need to examine the surrounding area. I need to get some kind of idea as to what draws it out and how. We’ll move forward with catching it from there.” Sam hoped the confidence he was trying to project with his voice was there. Barry agreed--whether because of the confidence of because he was just agreeable--and they began to unpack for the evening. Night arrived faster than Sam had expected after getting all of his supplies out and integrated with Barry’s, and he still had no solution to the riddle of Lake Verity other than this idea of simply looking around. He thought that a fresh day might give him renewed perspective on how to progress from here, and Barry agreed.


    Tommy sat in his hospital bed with his sunken face leaning down, chin resting on his sternum. Sam tried to speak to him, but his voice was gone. The hospital room was black except for the light over Tommy’s bed, and Sam could hear none of the telltale signs of being in a hospital. There were no machines humming, no nurses ordering medications, no other patients talking to each other. It was just Sam and Tommy and this dark room. The silence suffocated Sam, but no matter how much he tried to call out to his brother, his vocal cords refused to obey him. When Sam tried reached out to take his brother’s hand, Tommy’s bed glided away from him. He slammed his fist down on the end of the railing near Tommy’s feet in anger at his own impotence, and his older brother’s head jumped. Sam leapt back with a start; had Tommy moved on his own, or had the force of the slam jarred it? He reached again for his brother, and this time the bed stayed in place, allowing Sam to stroke Tommy’s chin.

    Tommy’s hand shot up and grabbed Sam’s arm. Sam yelped twice: once in surprise at Tommy’s reaction, and again when his older brother twisted the arm away from his chin. “Tommy, please!” Sam shouted, his throat finally back in control. “It’s me, Sam!”

    Tommy’s face lifted to meet Sam’s; his eyes were solid black and his mouth was wretched into a scowl. As their eyes met, Tommy pulled himself out of the hospital bed. This caused Sam to fall backwards onto his rear and try to crawl away from his approaching brother. “You,” Tommy said. “Sam. You.” Sam’s arms pushed him back as rapidly as they could, but his previously crippled brother was gaining on him. “You did this.” Even worse than the accusations of his brother was the sudden beeping sound of Tommy’s hospital bed; a beeping that was growing in volume...

    Sam’s eyes opened to find the beeping permeated his reality, as well. No, he thought, the beeping was real to begin with, and it had crawled into his nightmare. The next thought he had was that Barry was not only wide awake, but he was standing upright, staring across the water. As Sam regained more of his bearings in the awakened world, his ears let him know the sound seemed to be coming from the direction Barry was looking.

    “What is that sound?”

    Barry shook his head, but never removed his gaze from past the lake. “I don’t know.”
    Last edited by Sid87; 25th August 2012 at 1:38 PM.


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    Whoa. Now that's a chapter. I very much enjoyed it, especially your portrayal of Barry. It was spot on and refreshing to see someone other than the main character used as the assistant. Your description improved a great deal in such a short period of time. I love when you describe the lake. It has to be my favorite part. The only mistakes were cases of typing too fast. When wondering where Mespirit is you put gave instead of cave. Other than the few minor errors it was a great chapter. Until next time.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow Lucario View Post
    Whoa. Now that's a chapter. I very much enjoyed it, especially your portrayal of Barry. It was spot on and refreshing to see someone other than the main character used as the assistant. Your description improved a great deal in such a short period of time. I love when you describe the lake. It has to be my favorite part. The only mistakes were cases of typing too fast. When wondering where Mespirit is you put gave instead of cave. Other than the few minor errors it was a great chapter. Until next time.
    You really liked the lake description? Not that I'm going to tell you not to be, but I wasn't entirely happy with that scene. It felt like I ran out of things to say about water even more quickly than I thought I would. And I am glad using Barry isn't too stereotypical; having never taken any part in pokefiction into find this forum, I had no idea whether it would be or not. Either way, shortly after realizing I wanted this story to be in Sinnoh, I knew I had to use Barry. He seems like a lot of fun, so hopefully I do him justice. And thanks for the heads-up on "gave". Got that fixed. Damn inattentive blindness!


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    I'm new to this fic and I've only read the first chapter, but it's absolutely fantastic. Seriously. The chapter length, character description, everything is perfect. I really like the way you described Caterpie, and I already have a pretty good sense of who Sammy is from the get-go. Nice use of familial expectations. I look forward to catching up so I can actually try to give critical feedback!
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    It felt good to be standing still while he watched them; he had taken a rental car to the end of the main roads, but since then he’d been walking for hours through these woods. The tall trees kept the sun off of him, and he realized now that he was relaxing just how sweaty he’d become.
    I think at the end there, you meant to only put JUST "relaxing" OR "how sweaty he'd become", not both. Also, the paragraph that this section in is unbelievably huge. Readers could be turned off by large blocks of text like this, so I would separate it into shorter paragraphs if possible.

    Sam indulged in an omelette and sausage and a warm shower after seeing the car; for the first time since arriving in Sinnoh, Sam did not feel rushed. He hadn’t realized how many meals he’d ignored lately not because he didn’t have the time, but because his mind was too burdened to think of regular sustenance. Everything seemed so imminent all of the sudden.
    I like sections like this where readers can subtly infer that Sam may indeed be going a little crazy, or at least a little obsessive about his newfound mission. It also adds a lot to his character, since seeing how someone handles tough situations can really define them. Good job, I like it.

    Changes of plans, Sam thought, were simply not on the menu. Sam would find Mesprit and he would restore his brother. That was all there was to it.

    “Halt! These are my woods, and if you want to pass, you’ll have to battle me!”
    This seemed a little abrupt. There was poor transitioning here. At first Sam is thinking about Rowan, and then all of a sudden someone is in his way? You say shortly after that Sam was lost in his thoughts, but the tone of the piece doesn't really show any element of surprise or anything. A simple mention of "suddenly Sam heard footsteps or heard a voice" before the actual dialogue might have made it flow a little bit smoother.

    I also liked the Shinx's capture. It seems random, but I think it shows how lonely Sam is becoming. His only companions are Vlam and Bree, both of whom probably remind him of his lost family. Someone new and fresh in his life seems important... and I look forward to seeing what you have planned for the Shinx.

    My biggest complaint about this chapter is that it almost readers like a summary. You really only tell what happens to Sam on the beginning of his journey here. I would have liked to see each scene fleshed out in more detail... It seemed as if you were breezing over supposedly non-important parts only to get to the important scenes (aka the ones involving the three lake pokemon). The scene with Barry was good but the rest made me want more. This can be really dangerous since you're going to lack any subplots and such, and therefore you'll be missing a lot of opportunities to flesh out your characters.

    I'll look forward to what you have planned next. Seems there's some potential important characters coming up, and the nightmare about Tommy and the cliffhanger was used effectively.

    | survival project |
    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | complete |


    | flying in the dark |
    | he's hiding something. she just doesn't know it. |
    | on hiatus|


    | love and other nightmares |
    | limited time, limited abilities. kyurem says she can be cured in exchange for saving those who need saving. |
    | chapter 1 released |


  25. #50
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
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    Arkansas
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    564

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    Finally here, sorry it took so long.

    The first thing I noticd was the huge block of text in the beginning of this chapter. it's not incorrect that it's there because it's all about the newly captured Shinx (who's one of my favorite Sinnoh Pokemon BTW), but I found myself losing my place several times. Obviously you're going to have paragraph's that are longer than others, but this one just seemed a little bit excessive. You can split that paragraph in two, and make it alot easier to read. It makes it easier for your regular readers to get through, and new readers as well.

    I agree with diamondpearl that meet Barry was a little quick for my taste. An easier lead up like suspecting that someone was nearby, or seeing footprints, etc, would have been a little bit easier. To be completely honest, Barry kind of annoys me. His attitude is somewhat childish, which doesnt really match up with him being such a young assistant. Obviously he got to that point by being brilliant and good at his job, and from what you've made me think of Rowan, his age wouldnt really matter. But Rowan really does seem like he has a low tolerance for behavoir like this. It goes both ways though, as even though I don't like Barry, I quite liked the interractions he had with Sam.

    “Yeah. You’re late, by the way. I’ve been here all day. Just for that, I’m fining you a million bucks!”
    That's an example of what I'm talking about. I like the in your face personality, but I dislike the thing he's saying. Either way, I look forward to more dialogue between Sam and Barry.

    I liked the length of this chapter better as well. I didn't put it in a word processor to measure it up against previous chapters, but it read really well. I'm still wanting more though when it comes to length. I want to have so much in the chapter that I have to stop and take notes as I'm reading instead of being able to remember my points as I read. If that makes sense.

    The cliffhanger at the end was a really nice touch. I actually have no theory as to what it might be, besides Mespirit of course. Maybe Barry and Sam are in the territory of some water Pokemon by chance? Either way, I'm looking forward to the next chapter. Keep up the good work

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the amazing banner-


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