Originally Posted by katiekitten
I keep re-reading that sentence, and it makes perfect sense to me. Does anyone else have a thought on this?
Originally Posted by Janovy
Well, yeah, but that is intentional. As I wrote them before, Sinnoh-ese isn't these guys' first language. So their Sinnoh-ese is a bit broken. And conjugating verbs is usually the hardest thing to do in translation, so that's what I keep having them screw up.
Hmm. "You should worry about saving
I figure it makes sense given that he works with Rowan.
So Barry has all three starters? Kinda strange considering how rare they are.
I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for your comments!
Overall, I really, really liked this chapter. It was action-packed and I'm amazed by the fact how you could maneuver so many battles at the same time; I'd probably have hard time with a simple double battle. We also got more glimpse into Chispa's personality which, although eager and rash, got them into trouble (with Barry's rashness simply worsening the issues). But the cliffhanger was amazing and I could just imagine a giant, destructive sea wave approaching their ship. Though it was to be expected after Prinplup's Surf attack apparently didn't work ... ON THE SEA! XD
Great chapter, I'm really interested in where Sam and Barry will wind up.
Well, you are generally right, but they aren't on a cruise or a luxury liner; they are onboard a cargo ship that is owned privately by the Phoenix Corp., and they are stowaways. They can't exactly just walk into the mess hall and order some food.
Originally Posted by diamondpearl876
Ah, I could see that. Good call, makes sense. I will keep that in mind for the future. I was getting a sense that the battlefield was harried and Sam wouldn't really have time to sort out his feelings much, but still...I could have done more. I will do so going forward!
That’s really all I saw for mistakes. The chapter was good overall, it was an action-packed chapter and you described everything well and in a frantic way, as an action scene should be. My only suggestion is to perhaps add more emotion in action scenes. I say this because there was emotion before the fight started, but not during, and not after (maybe Sam is scared, but there’s very little about it, just a description of what he feels). Keep it up! Hope to see a chapter as soon as you can get to it.
I know I'd be miserable if I went 24 hours without eating.
Originally Posted by Sidewinder
Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed the battle. On second reading, it's STILL a brief one (I tend to REALLY like interrupting battles, apparently), but it certainly was busy!
And the battle. You actually kinda surprised me. I didn't imagine that your first major battle would be on such a large scale. These group battles can be hard to write because they have so many moving parts, and so many things to keep track of, but I felt like you did an awesome job. One thing that really stood out to me was when the Lairon started attacking Sam. As you know from reading my Fic, I'm no stranger to having Pokemon attack humans, it adds such realisim, especially when you think about the fact that enemy Pokemon know that the Pokemon they're fighting are being commanded by Trainers. Quickest way to eliminate that threat is to get the humans out of the picture. So great job on realizing that and putting that into play.
I'll keep the note on describing the sounds and sights of things in mind.
Another portion I really liked was Bree's battle in the sky. Putting her up against a Swellow was a tricky challenge. I liked that you called Vlam in to help, which also went to show Bree's weakness against Swellow's typing. It also showed that you were keeping tabs on the characters placement and not forgetting about anyone. One thing that would make it a little more intense (at least for me), would be to add a few more sound effects. The sound Lairon's feet made when they smacked against the deck of the ship, the sound the water made when it sprayed across the ship when Prinlup used water gun. That in no way is saying that the battle wasn't good, because I loved it. Brilliant job, and I'm going to expect nothing less from you from now on when it comes to battles
You know...I, too, have wondered whether Miah will ever comke back or not. And even I haven't decided. So...maybe!
Originally Posted by gotpika
You did the math, right (and are the first person, I think, to verbally say so, so good work!).
Interesting, so Sam a.k.a Sammy is older and apparently in possession of his bro's Ninetales, Vlam and his Caterpie, a female one(nice job on describing the differences in genders about the species), Bree is now a Butterfree. So, if the time skip is correct that means Sam is now 25, you did good on describing why such things are done by with the whole diseased Delcatty infecting the Glameow population. Description was great, and I wonder why Vlam is now his? I'm speculating that Tommy ends up dying and leaves Vlam to his brother. Nice job showing off the annoyance regarding the woman and Sam.
I like that you named Sammy and Tommy's dad because I'm pretty sure I never did. But you REALLY have him set as "Samuel". If I did call him that, congratulations: you paid more attention to my story than I did!
Wow, I was not expecting a death to occur so early. Samuel's death seemed pretty tragic and seems to be because of the lack of a stop light/sign where one is needed. This is interesting, and also after another time skip, this time by only a few years rather than 15 shows that the boys seemed to have aged and Tommy managed to get strong enough to make it far in the tournament and reveals he has new Pokemon. I liked his strategy with that sort of "double-confusion" thing regarding Vlam, interesting and unique indeed, haven't ever heard it. For a second I thought the police was just gonna take a seat to watch the battle, but this was an emotional ending indeed. We, the readers, never knew Samuel so we probably didn't really have too many strong feelings over his death as you wanted us to emotionally, but I wonder how it's gonna affect the brothers.
The chapter sizes ARE a bit all over the place due to the early goings being a LOT of my feeling everything out and deciding where to go. They should be more consistent for the rest of the story.
So over the years, I'm assuming, Samuel's death pretty much made Sammy a bit more rougher around the edges. I mainly think this cause of that comment about him being Sam now, instead of Sammy. Interesting that Professor Rowan and Samuel worked together in those younger years. Characterization for Vlam and Bree was nice, with Bree appearing to be a tad eccentric and Vlam appearing to be annoyed at the younger Pokemon's behavior. So, Sammy came to Sinnoh for the Lake Trio. The only reason I think he would come for the Lake Trio is because he wants to use them to bring his father back to life, or something of that nature. I wouldn't be surprised if that is the case, or if it involved his brother too. Maybe he will use the Lake Trio to help him get a grip on his emotions? I don't know, but I all I know for sure is, the plot thickens and everything can possibly go terribly wrong since the Lake Trio can eliminate emotions from human beings if they want to. The chapter sizes seem to fluctuate quite a bit as well.
Well, Nine chapters in, and the legends haven't even appeared yet. I like the Lake Guardians a lot, though, so I intend on treating them respectfully. Thank you so much for your comments!
The characterization in this chapter was great, we get some backstory on Sam and learn that he's managed to become quite the battler and he's caught many new Pokemon. Vlam's evolution was because of his victory prize Fire Stone gift to Tommy. Indeed, the death of their father has taken a toll on not just Sam, but Tommy as well basically a lack of attendance at school has caused him to sadly fail. He gave up his future for his brother's sake, that shows the bond and emotion between the two and it shows he really does care a lot for his bro. For a second, I thought you were referring to Sam's Tangrowth rather then it being Miah. Sam has a tourney coming up, that's something to look forward to. But, overall a nice chapter for some character interactions and such. Barnabus is a unique name.
Nice in-depth description at the beginning of the chapter. I like how he's a tad sensitive about Vlam and Bree being Poke Ball'd and how the Lake Trio being caught is such a sensitive matter. My previous speculation regarding Tommy being dead turned up true, interesting to say the least. Well, not so dead more so, immobile I guess. Interesting, so these are Sam's goal, finding the Lake Trio to help heal his paralyzed brother. It's a shame he forgot his Pokemon and everything ever since the stroke, what an awful thing to happen. I wonder how Sam is going to even attempt to catch legendary Pokemon, they're elusive and extremely powerful. He'd have to put up a hell of a fight to even weaken one, so I'm looking forward to the next chapter for sure.
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