Quote Originally Posted by Skiyomi View Post
I've decided to stop being the worst person in the world and get back to the business of reading and reviewing this. So here I go!

Chapter Ten:

I think the dream sequence could’ve been spooled out and maybe tweaked some. Its best moments have kind of an off-kilter weirdness to them—a sort of forced simplicity of thought that feels like it’s trying to repress madness and that certainly works well. It follows the whole dream logic thing in that a dreaming person doesn’t question what’s going on. But I think it comes off a little rushed and in some places that quickness makes the force simplicity look like lack of detail, and the dream logic look confusing. I think the answer to that is to really create an atmosphere—embed the reader in the dream so that they feel like they’re a part of it instead of outside of it and looking over it critically. The best place to start with this is with the over-running faucet. Slowing that down, adding more detail and really giving the sense of dread and fear of the water closing in and the claustrophobic fear of drowning, would lull the reader more into the heightened emotional state of the dream. I also think Sam’s fear that the house will fill with water shouldn’t come quite so easily to him. The ease of his panic makes it really obvious that we’re in a dream, and makes for a jarringly quick transition from fake-out-not-a-dream to yeah-this-is-totally-a-dream. There are other places further along where I think slowing down and creating more atmosphere would get a better effect in this dream as well. All in all, I think the slow-drip might be better here than the sudden cascade of water. Though I like how you’re using what’s happening to Sam in the real world to inform his dream life all the same.
Yeah, I see what you are saying. I was going for the quick-hit, quirky, randomness of a dream where things change suddenly and your mind never questions it, but I see where fear could have been, I suppose, extended.

Having “I am certain” and “I’m sure” in the same sentence feels a little repetitive to me. But the weasely quasi-threatening politeness comes off quite well all the same.
When I feel like sounding more pretentious than usual, I add a lot of odd things to my speech like "I am certain" and the like. So maybe I went a little overboard adding those to Alonzo's character.

Hmm. It’s not exactly “the sun never sets on the British empire.” I don’t know, the comparison seems oddly commonplace to me, considering we’re talking about matters of war and conquering. Plus spilled water tends to evaporate. I think there are better comparisons you could’ve used here.
Actually, I think you've expanded on the metaphor very nicely with the evaporation theory given how "long" vast empires have tended to last. I dunno, though...I remember having a really hard time coming up with an analogy here that wasn't too commonplace ("wildfire", etc). I suddenly had an image of a tipped glass of water and the water spreading across a surface and it seemed like a good visual, in my head, of an empire spreading forth.

Awww… I was enjoying the human drama of Sam being so focused on his goal that he’s lashing out at Barry even though Barry seems to be in the right here—and the idea of Sam possibly siding with Alonzo even though his motives are questionable and he’s been setting off my smarm alarm pretty much from the moment he opened his mouth. …I was enjoying that very human drama so much that I’m a little bummed we’re launching into a Pokemon battle. Oh well, can’t be helped. Probably just me anyway.
I don't disagree, but it seems like the de facto problem resolution in the pokemon universe is battling, so I feel like they need to happen every now and again (and I'm trying to get better at writing them). I tried to keep everything very rooted in Sam and Barry's thoughts and emotions, though, so I hope it wasn't too bad.

This, Sam’s failed relationship with Allison, and Sam’s reaction to the possibility of Tommy getting a girlfriend… there’s a common thread of immaturity on Sam’s part when it comes to this subject. Not sure what it means at this point—whether it’s a character trait or a running theme that’s leading to something…
Do you know many people who have had some form of tragedy in their lives? I tend to find that they always say "I had to grow up fast". Which is true in the sense that they had to accept bad things before most others do, but it also usually stunts their development in several areas. Sam has had so much of his life based around Tommy, he hasn't formed very many successful bonds that aren't sibling-oriented. He has a hard time relating to women on more than a superficial level because they aren't like Tommy.

Sam’s trying to resurrect a loved one… by putting a man he does not trust and does not necessarily know what he will do on the trail of Rowan’s loved ones. Hmmm…

Good use of the Pokemon battle in this one. It’s a great set-up for Alonzo’s line. Sam can be as happy as he wants with his posturing, ultimately, it seems to me, he’s not really in control of this situation.

Well, that’s about it for me tonight. I’m liking what I see here. The pace is really clipping along, which made for an easy and fun read. The drama’s really heating up too which is making things more and more interesting. Great work!
I'm always glad to have your well-formed thoughts, so I look forward to your next comments as always! Thanks!



Quote Originally Posted by diamondpearl876 View Post
You refer to Chispa’s prey as a female here, and then a male later. Might wanna fix it to whatever it’s supposed to be.
No, I was referring to Chispa with the "where she had vanished to" bit, but it was worded clumsily. I fixed it.

Anyway, a good chapter. The description was nice, and I enjoyed the little interactions between Sam’s team and Barry’s team. My favorite part was probably the heart to heart chat between Barry and Sam. It was nice to see Barry actually taking something seriously for once, and it shows just how much he cares about Sam. To see that the two of them are trusting each other and being with each other despite the hardships they’ve been through is also heartwarming. Keep it up.
Thanks! And I will try.