Brothers' Bond (PG-13)

[Sid87]

I've decided to stop being the worst person in the world and get back to the business of reading and reviewing this. So here I go!

Chapter Ten:

I think the dream sequence could’ve been spooled out and maybe tweaked some. Its best moments have kind of an off-kilter weirdness to them—a sort of forced simplicity of thought that feels like it’s trying to repress madness and that certainly works well. It follows the whole dream logic thing in that a dreaming person doesn’t question what’s going on. But I think it comes off a little rushed and in some places that quickness makes the force simplicity look like lack of detail, and the dream logic look confusing. I think the answer to that is to really create an atmosphere—embed the reader in the dream so that they feel like they’re a part of it instead of outside of it and looking over it critically. The best place to start with this is with the over-running faucet. Slowing that down, adding more detail and really giving the sense of dread and fear of the water closing in and the claustrophobic fear of drowning, would lull the reader more into the heightened emotional state of the dream. I also think Sam’s fear that the house will fill with water shouldn’t come quite so easily to him. The ease of his panic makes it really obvious that we’re in a dream, and makes for a jarringly quick transition from fake-out-not-a-dream to yeah-this-is-totally-a-dream. There are other places further along where I think slowing down and creating more atmosphere would get a better effect in this dream as well. All in all, I think the slow-drip might be better here than the sudden cascade of water. Though I like how you’re using what’s happening to Sam in the real world to inform his dream life all the same.

Yeah, I see what you are saying. I was going for the quick-hit, quirky, randomness of a dream where things change suddenly and your mind never questions it, but I see where fear could have been, I suppose, extended.

Having “I am certain” and “I’m sure” in the same sentence feels a little repetitive to me. But the weasely quasi-threatening politeness comes off quite well all the same.

When I feel like sounding more pretentious than usual, I add a lot of odd things to my speech like "I am certain" and the like. So maybe I went a little overboard adding those to Alonzo's character.

Hmm. It’s not exactly “the sun never sets on the British empire.” I don’t know, the comparison seems oddly commonplace to me, considering we’re talking about matters of war and conquering. Plus spilled water tends to evaporate. I think there are better comparisons you could’ve used here.

Actually, I think you've expanded on the metaphor very nicely with the evaporation theory given how "long" vast empires have tended to last. I dunno, though...I remember having a really hard time coming up with an analogy here that wasn't too commonplace ("wildfire", etc). I suddenly had an image of a tipped glass of water and the water spreading across a surface and it seemed like a good visual, in my head, of an empire spreading forth.

Awww… I was enjoying the human drama of Sam being so focused on his goal that he’s lashing out at Barry even though Barry seems to be in the right here—and the idea of Sam possibly siding with Alonzo even though his motives are questionable and he’s been setting off my smarm alarm pretty much from the moment he opened his mouth. …I was enjoying that very human drama so much that I’m a little bummed we’re launching into a Pokemon battle. Oh well, can’t be helped. Probably just me anyway.

I don't disagree, but it seems like the de facto problem resolution in the pokemon universe is battling, so I feel like they need to happen every now and again (and I'm trying to get better at writing them). I tried to keep everything very rooted in Sam and Barry's thoughts and emotions, though, so I hope it wasn't too bad.

This, Sam’s failed relationship with Allison, and Sam’s reaction to the possibility of Tommy getting a girlfriend… there’s a common thread of immaturity on Sam’s part when it comes to this subject. Not sure what it means at this point—whether it’s a character trait or a running theme that’s leading to something…

Do you know many people who have had some form of tragedy in their lives? I tend to find that they always say "I had to grow up fast". Which is true in the sense that they had to accept bad things before most others do, but it also usually stunts their development in several areas. Sam has had so much of his life based around Tommy, he hasn't formed very many successful bonds that aren't sibling-oriented. He has a hard time relating to women on more than a superficial level because they aren't like Tommy.

Sam’s trying to resurrect a loved one… by putting a man he does not trust and does not necessarily know what he will do on the trail of Rowan’s loved ones. Hmmm…

Good use of the Pokemon battle in this one. It’s a great set-up for Alonzo’s line. Sam can be as happy as he wants with his posturing, ultimately, it seems to me, he’s not really in control of this situation.

Well, that’s about it for me tonight. I’m liking what I see here. The pace is really clipping along, which made for an easy and fun read. The drama’s really heating up too which is making things more and more interesting. Great work!

I'm always glad to have your well-formed thoughts, so I look forward to your next comments as always! Thanks!

You refer to Chispa’s prey as a female here, and then a male later. Might wanna fix it to whatever it’s supposed to be.

No, I was referring to Chispa with the "where she had vanished to" bit, but it was worded clumsily. I fixed it.

Anyway, a good chapter. The description was nice, and I enjoyed the little interactions between Sam’s team and Barry’s team. My favorite part was probably the heart to heart chat between Barry and Sam. It was nice to see Barry actually taking something seriously for once, and it shows just how much he cares about Sam. To see that the two of them are trusting each other and being with each other despite the hardships they’ve been through is also heartwarming. Keep it up.

Thanks! And I will try.

[Knightfall]

I've been really busy these last few days, sorry it took so long to get this up.

Chapter 19

Chispa waited in silence on the other side of the sitrus bush. [/quote]
Wouldn't Sitrus be capitalized? I'm sure it's open to debate, but I thought the names were supposed to be capitalized.

The rest of their friends had scattered about the lake at daybreak; Bree was assailing the towering trees around them looking for nectar--Sam knew she was still above him by the occasional falling of leaves that signified she must found herself offended by a particular branch--while Vlam, Torterra, and Empoleon went off to enjoy the beachside of Lake Valor. It was no surprise that Empoleon and Torterra would enjoy the water--Empoleon was, of course, a water-type, and Torterra would simply enjoy lapping up lakewater to nourish the vegetation on its back--but Sam figured Vlam went with them simply to not be around the comparatively more combative Bree, Chispa, and Monferno.

I'm just amazed that this entire thing is only two sentences.

At one point, they stowed themselves away between the railroad cars that transported coal through Mount Coronet to the eastern cities from Oreburgh; Barry had been quite convinced they needed to cut holes in their clothes and sing railroad songs, but Sam was happy to discover Barry actually had no idea what a “railroad song” might be. And thus ended their possible tenure as hobos.

I can clearly picture Barry pestering Sam to do this. Did I mention that he --aside from Carlos-- is my favorite character so far?

Barry sighed. “You really want the serious adult conversation here, huh? Damn. What the hell, man? You were mad, and you lost it. We’ve all been there. I’m not going to bust your chops over it forever, okay? You seem pretty sorry about it.”

Well, Barry forgave that pretty quickly. I somewhat see his reasoning behind it, but only slightly.

“Sam, dude, you are trying to save your brother’s life. But I didn’t know that. When I met you, you were just some idiot who came here trying to steal our legendary pokemon. I didn’t know nothing about you, so I screwed around with you. And then, yeah, prof and I used you to help out with something that we needed looked at and made you put Tommy on the back burner. And the whole time you did it because you thought it’d eventually save your brother anyway. And we, like, actively kept you from the thing that could save him. Hate you? I don’t know why you still don’t hate me.”

Oh you double negatives. I know it's part of his dialogue, but I wanted to point it out. Anyways, it's nice to see Barry's thoughts on everything that has happened so far instead of Sam's.

Barry turned toward the lake, away from Sam, and his voice slowed down more than Sam had ever heard it do so before. “You were doing it for your brother, and you know what? If there was a pokemon out there that could bring my parents back, I’d tell Professor Rowan to go eat his whole philosophy, and I’d do whatever it took to get them back.” Barry lifted his head upwards. “Rowan’s still right, but you know what? Screw him. I’d do it.”

Again, a nice bit of development for Barry. I have a feeling that this is going to be significant later on.

Sam could not contain that chuckle that built within him. “Let me win? I think you’ll remember I beat you fair and square. Search your feelings; you know it to be true.”

Sam, did you channel Obi-Wan Kenobi for a minute there?

“Yeah, like when I saved Chispa’s butt at the expense of Monferno’s, right?”

“That’s ‘cause Chispa’s cute. That’s, like, ninety percent of her offense so far.”

I don't know if that'd hold up in a League battle...

That left them with two options: scavenging wildlife and shoplifting. Neither Sam nor Barry found either option particularly attractive, but they convinced themselves they would find a way to pay back any items they took on their way. After their friends gathered around for mealtime, Sam opened his backpack--itself an item he’d snatched from a department store in Eterna City--to see what they still had available besides the row of sitrus bushes that Chispa had previously used as cover. Sam pushed aside the baggies of berries they had picked, a handful of cans of food for their pokemon, and a half dozen packages of snack cakes but found little else.

I should start keeping track of all the crimes Sam and company have committed so far. And that Sitrus thing again. I'm sure it's correct, but it irks me.

“I think they were a lot less squeamish about catching and eating rabbits and squirrels.”

“But they’re so cute,” Barry whined, his voice rising at the less syllable.

Oh, Barry... What is wrong with you?

“I don’t. Well what sounds like fireworks but isn’t fireworks?”

The riddle-like words opened a vault in Sam’s mind, and a previously hidden possibility sprang forth. His eyes widened as the answer moved to his lips.

“Explosions.”

Well, that certainly sets up for an action-packed chapter. I'm sorry if this reviews feels a bit insubstantial, but I've been rather pressed for time these past few days. I'll end with a few points.

I'm really liking the attention Barry's character has been getting as of late. You've taken the time to add some humor and flesh out his character, which is always good.

This entire "fugitive" arc of the story on a whole is nice, it actually gives the story a sense of freedom (ironic huh?). Sam's no longer under the influence of Rowen and Alonzo, and see a different side to things.

Other than the sitrus/Sitrus thing, there's absolutely nothing else I could find wrong with this, as usual.

I'm really looking forward to what happens next. I'd actually like to thank you for all of the advice you've given me for my story. I wouldn't be where I was today without your input.
So, thank you.

Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays.

Knightfall signing off...

[Sidewinder]

Sorry it's taken me so long to get here buddy. The holidays overloaded me with family time and the last person just left my house lol. Anyway, onward!

The lowering of her front end was countered by the raising of her hindquarters and tail, both of which wiggled with eager determination.

That quoted portion makes me think you have a cat

After Chispa's paragraph ends, it cuts to Sam, which is fine, but seeing as how you only double spaced the transition there may leave some people confused. Hell, it worked fine for me but I think that maybe putting some asterisks or dashes might help ease the transition a little better. Just a thought

Sam scratched the side of his pestersome beard.

I may be overextending here, but I really liked that. Maybe it's because I'm also a man and I realize that having a beard when it's scratchy can be quite annoying. It was a subtle touch, but you making that observation really humanized Sam to me even more, and further impressed me with your ability to draw attention to things that most overlook. Good job!

occasional falling of leaves that signified she must found herself offended by a particular branch

Shouldn't a 'have' be placed between must and found?

he’d contemplated breaking the device into pieces to see if he could make anything sharp enough to shave with, but for the moment he merely settled on frustrated scratching.

He's a braver man that I lol. Inventive and fun, I liked it

Thank god, Sam thought upon hearing Barry’s voice as the latter appeared through the trees.

I feel like the 'thank god' would work better if put in quotes and italics to signify that its a thought. Obviously the choice is yours, but having it without at least quotes confused me a little bit

“You know it.”

I'm glad you took the time to let the two of them hash stuff out. I knew it would come eventually, and I felt like you did a good job explaining their reservations and actions in a very natural way

This chapter felt a little shorter than usual, though I didn't run it through a word processor to check. Nevertheless, it was a good chapter and I felt like the shortness was effective in setting up some character definition between Sam and Barry (which is something I had been hoping for before I read the chapter). Since so much had gone on in the previous chapters, it was actually kinda nice to see them relatively relaxing; it made time for some neat physical descriptions and character thoughts. True to who you are though, you snuck in some excitement at the very end and it's got me really floored for the next chapter

[Sid87]

Wouldn't Sitrus be capitalized? I'm sure it's open to debate, but I thought the names were supposed to be capitalized.

I wouldn't think so, just because I wouldn't capitalize "strawberry" or anything like that. But this stuff is all over the map in pokemon; some people capitalize moves, species, natures, etc, and others don't. Some pick and choose (I capitalize pokemon's species names, but not move names or, apparently, berry names)

Well, Barry forgave that pretty quickly. I somewhat see his reasoning behind it, but only slightly.

You think? I think Barry'd been struggling to forgive HIMSELF for so long that this wasn't as big of a deal as Sam thought it was. Good-hearted people tend to think their own transgressions are much worse than anyone else's.

Sam, did you channel Obi-Wan Kenobi for a minute there?

I keep throwing in film references these last few chapters... I have no idea why. It's a weird thing I've picked up.

I'm really liking the attention Barry's character has been getting as of late. You've taken the time to add some humor and flesh out his character, which is always good.

Thanks. I like Barry.

This entire "fugitive" arc of the story on a whole is nice, it actually gives the story a sense of freedom (ironic huh?). Sam's no longer under the influence of Rowen and Alonzo, and see a different side to things.

Other than the sitrus/Sitrus thing, there's absolutely nothing else I could find wrong with this, as usual.

I'm really looking forward to what happens next. I'd actually like to thank you for all of the advice you've given me for my story. I wouldn't be where I was today without your input.
So, thank you.

Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays.

Knightfall signing off...

The fugitive thing will continue as a central theme next chapter as Sam and Barry end up at a prison. Look forward to that.

I hope you had a great holiday season, as well!

Sorry it's taken me so long to get here buddy. The holidays overloaded me with family time and the last person just left my house lol. Anyway, onward!

No matter! It's still been here waiting for you.

That quoted portion makes me think you have a cat

Two.

After Chispa's paragraph ends, it cuts to Sam, which is fine, but seeing as how you only double spaced the transition there may leave some people confused. Hell, it worked fine for me but I think that maybe putting some asterisks or dashes might help ease the transition a little better. Just a thought

You think? Hmmm, I'll pour over it a bit and see what I can do.

I may be overextending here, but I really liked that. Maybe it's because I'm also a man and I realize that having a beard when it's scratchy can be quite annoying. It was a subtle touch, but you making that observation really humanized Sam to me even more, and further impressed me with your ability to draw attention to things that most overlook. Good job!

Thank you!

This chapter felt a little shorter than usual, though I didn't run it through a word processor to check. Nevertheless, it was a good chapter and I felt like the shortness was effective in setting up some character definition between Sam and Barry (which is something I had been hoping for before I read the chapter). Since so much had gone on in the previous chapters, it was actually kinda nice to see them relatively relaxing; it made time for some neat physical descriptions and character thoughts. True to who you are though, you snuck in some excitement at the very end and it's got me really floored for the next chapter

It was actually longer than last chapter and about as long as the others have all been (I've fallen into a "5-page chapter before double-spacing paragraphs" bit lately), so maybe it just read fast? I dunno, though. Yeah, there'll be significantly less relaxing next chapter as a lot of things start coming to a head.

[Doryuzu]

Chapter 15

Finally close to having caught up, chapter 15 is the most recent one, so I'll review that while it's still fresh.

*I thought it was a tad weird that Cynthia's Snorlax and Garchomp were battled aside so easily, though I may be overestimating the strength of a Champion from watching the anime and playing the games and reading Pokemon Adventures somewhat. It does seem weird she was battled aside so easily by the likes of typical company workers of all things. Though it's nothing to whine about.
*I just enjoyed that planning scene with Carlos and Sam, though I have to wonder if Hoenn is somewhat similar to Mexico?
*Learning Sideburn's true name and has a small look into his personality was cool, he didn't seem like too bad a person. Though I imagine Sam was still a bit distraught about the previous encounter to see anything less than a jackass on the surface.
*Carolina's personality managed to be pretty engrossing for me, tough and stern, in the sense she does what she does because it's her job to protect Sinnoh and not because she doesn't want Sam to have what he so desperately wants.. Cynthia seems to be the type who can't resist a challenge, fitting for a Champion some what.
*I have to wonder what was his deal, Chispa is a pretty green Pokemon, using her against the Champion of Sinnoh was anything less that not smart, for the most part the battles were fun you can clearly tell Cynthia wasn't giving it her all at points though.

Sam continued looking at the Garchomp. Almost as if on cue to emphasize its trainer’s point, the dragon licked its lips.

Excellent description, that.

*So, that was the Emotion Legendary Pokemon's first appearance, eh? Interesting. For the most part the chapter was absorbing from start to finish, probably one of your better chapters to date. ^^ I can tell this story seems to be reaching a higher and higher point, definitely expecting a bit more animosity from Sam towards Sideburns and his gang after this encounter.

[Ememew]

Happy New Year!

Chapter 19

Chispa waited in silence on the other side of the sitrus bush. She stretched out her front paws and lowered her head and shoulders to the ground as she surveyed her prey, who was helplessly unaware of where she had vanished to.

Hmm, it just seems weird to me to open on the “other side” of the sitrus bush. Having the other side without a side to start on just reads oddly.

At one point, they stowed themselves away between the railroad cars that transported coal through Mount Coronet to the eastern cities from Oreburgh; Barry had been quite convinced they needed to cut holes in their clothes and sing railroad songs, but Sam was happy to discover Barry actually had no idea what a “railroad song” might be. And thus ended their possible tenure as hobos.

Somehow I’m not surprised that Barry would want to play hobo. Funny as usual.

…but they saw little more than the Magikarp within it swimming peacefully and some squirrel-like electric types Sam recognized as Pachirisu. Magikarp were all-too common back home in Johto, but the snow-white Pachirisu with their cyan stripes down their tails was something he’d never seen in person. Cute though they were, they were not what he was there for.

I wonder if it might make more sense for Barry to be the one to identify the Pachirisu rather than Sam recognizing them despite never having seen them up close before. After all, Barry lives in the region and is Rowan’s assistant. Sure, Sam may have read about them or seen them on TV, but it might give Barry a chance to do more than comic relief between action scenes by showing off what he knows.

“Why don’t you hate me?”

Sam wasn’t sure why he had asked the question, but it was one that had been bothering him for days. He had, perhaps, previously been afraid that asking it would remind Barry that he should not want anything to do with Sam since the events in Snowpoint. In that moment, though, with the waning sun and the calm of Lake Valor, the question came more easily.

“What do you mean?”

Sam felt his chest sink; he was hoping he would not have to go into the details. “I pretty much out-and-out attacked you in Snowpoint. And then I left you with a psychopath who would go on to lock you in a basement. So what are you still doing with me?”

“Well, I--”

Sometimes scenes like this come off as corny, but not here. The question seems natural, as does the timing for it. Well done.

“Don’t make a joke about how you’ve kidnapped me as part of some eco-terrorism plot and can’t let me go.”

Can’t get out of this one, Barry.

Barry sighed. “You really want the serious adult conversation here, huh? Damn. What the hell, man? You were mad, and you lost it. We’ve all been there. I’m not going to bust your chops over it forever, okay? You seem pretty sorry about it.”

Wow, this seems oddly mature for Barry. Hmm, now I’d actually want to read about how Barry’s thought process went while he was captured.

“I still shouldn’t have taken your friends.”

“That was pretty sucky. I thought you were going all supervillain on me there, really.”

Knowing Barry, this was complete with a mental picture of Sam in a supervillain costume!

“That’s ‘cause Chispa’s cute. That’s, like, ninety percent of her offense so far.”

I’m not sure how much longer she’ll be able to rely on that.

Sam opened his backpack--itself an item he’d snatched from a department store in Eterna City--to see what they still had available besides the row of sitrus bushes that Chispa had previously used as cover. Sam pushed aside the baggies of berries they had picked, a handful of cans of food for their pokemon, and a half dozen packages of snack cakes but found little else.

I notice this is all food. What about their water supplies? Or are they boiling lake water?

Sam pulled out the snack cakes and internally made a promise never to eat sugar again if he could just make it through to his next proper meal without getting diabetes.

This is amusing.

Barry--giving credence to the idea that human energy was a finite resource--was snoring within moments of hitting the ground.

I really like how this is worded for some reason.

“Explosions.”

Hmm, shall we be encountering Carlos again soon?

A nice chapter for introspection on Sam’s part. I’m not sure about Barry just telling his thoughts to Sam without the reader being able to see how he reached this point (I would think he’d have been pretty angry about his pokémon being stolen even if he’d been feeling guilty about lying to Sam), but the limit to Sam’s POV pretty much means we can only understand Barry as much as Sam does and guess the rest. Of course, outside of a Barry POV chapter, it wouldn’t make sense to show Barry’s thoughts instead of simply telling them given the writing style up to this point. Anyway, it’s good to see breaks for the characters to gather their thoughts between action.

[Sid87]

*I thought it was a tad weird that Cynthia's Snorlax and Garchomp were battled aside so easily, though I may be overestimating the strength of a Champion from watching the anime and playing the games and reading Pokemon Adventures somewhat. It does seem weird she was battled aside so easily by the likes of typical company workers of all things. Though it's nothing to whine about.

I think that just ended up being a numbers game. They held their own for a few minutes against about a dozen pokemon owned by the crew, but they eventually got pushed back. I should have maybe noted that better.

*Learning Sideburn's true name and has a small look into his personality was cool, he didn't seem like too bad a person. Though I imagine Sam was still a bit distraught about the previous encounter to see anything less than a jackass on the surface.

Yeah, Sam's POV skews Carlos a bit because Sam is predetermined to dislike the poor guy.

*Carolina's personality managed to be pretty engrossing for me, tough and stern, in the sense she does what she does because it's her job to protect Sinnoh and not because she doesn't want Sam to have what he so desperately wants.. Cynthia seems to be the type who can't resist a challenge, fitting for a Champion some what.

No one else really made any note of Carolina, so I'm glad she resonated with you. And yeah...I see Cynthia as a "Goku" type who just loves--and gets caught up in--the thrill of battle.

*So, that was the Emotion Legendary Pokemon's first appearance, eh? Interesting. For the most part the chapter was absorbing from start to finish, probably one of your better chapters to date. ^^ I can tell this story seems to be reaching a higher and higher point, definitely expecting a bit more animosity from Sam towards Sideburns and his gang after this encounter.

I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for your work to catch up!

Happy New Year! Hmm, it just seems weird to me to open on the “other side” of the sitrus bush. Having the other side without a side to start on just reads oddly.

I wonder if it might make more sense for Barry to be the one to identify the Pachirisu rather than Sam recognizing them despite never having seen them up close before. After all, Barry lives in the region and is Rowan’s assistant. Sure, Sam may have read about them or seen them on TV, but it might give Barry a chance to do more than comic relief between action scenes by showing off what he knows.

Makes sense. I was lazing there and just throwing in some more details of Sinnoh since I view her (Sinnoh) as kind of a peripheral character. But I could have been more proactive about it.

I notice this is all food. What about their water supplies? Or are they boiling lake water?

More or less. They have a lake and fire-making pokemon.

Hmm, shall we be encountering Carlos again soon?

Certainly SEEMS possible...

A nice chapter for introspection on Sam’s part. I’m not sure about Barry just telling his thoughts to Sam without the reader being able to see how he reached this point (I would think he’d have been pretty angry about his pokémon being stolen even if he’d been feeling guilty about lying to Sam), but the limit to Sam’s POV pretty much means we can only understand Barry as much as Sam does and guess the rest. Of course, outside of a Barry POV chapter, it wouldn’t make sense to show Barry’s thoughts instead of simply telling them given the writing style up to this point. Anyway, it’s good to see breaks for the characters to gather their thoughts between action.

I think I mentioned before that I don't see Barry as NOT mad, but he's a good-hearted guy, and people like that tend to think their own crimes are worse than anyone else's. Barry, to a degree, genuinely feels like he had it coming.

As always, thanks a metric ton for your thought-out comments! I always appreciate it.

[Zibdas]

“Beds. Cable TV. Private Rooms”. They weren’t the most fascinating amenities Sam could imagine, but it did certainly beat the alternative, which was apparently having a public room with no beds.

This was amazing.

(Sam was humbled by being incapable of naming the plants, but he realized he never claimed to be a botanist)

As was this.

also

“I’m gonna terrorize all the ecos!”

And a lot of other thins but there's too many.
Anyway, these chapters were amazing, and I'm seriously disappointed with myself for not reading them sooner. Barry was amazing as always, the description was fantastic, properly flowing and immaculate writing with excellent cliffhangers.... honestly, it's been a pleasure.
Until next time~

[Sid87]

Chapter 20

Most people, when confronted with a sound they could only recognize as explosions, run as far away as possible. Explosions imply destruction, damage, injury, and death; to the layperson, those are four things that are to be avoided at all costs. A person with a semblance of sanity and reason would hear explosions from over a dozen miles away and do everything in his power to put more distance between himself and the possible devastation. And while a person in a peaceful setting will tell you he knows enough to evacuate in a calm, orderly manner, the reality is that most people flee in a frenzied, selfish fashion. Self-preservation tends to kick in, and it becomes every-man-for-himself to get as far away from the peril as quickly as possible.

So it was not without cause that Sam found himself questioning his mental state as he and Barry raced northward through the woods surrounding Lake Valor trying to find the source of what they thought to be explosions.

Even as Sam had long-since dismissed the idea that the origin of the noise was the Phoenix Corporation at Lake Valor—it turned out their camp hadn’t been far from the lake’s northern edge, and the sound could not possibly have been so close—they continued hurrying onward. Barry, perhaps caught up in the adrenaline of potential action and conflict, had only given one clue since they passed the lake, a word he mumbled aloud as he picked up his pace.

“So you think the sound was coming from Veilstone?”

Barry shrugged as he slowed down just enough to be able to coherently speak and run simultaneously. “I guess. I mean, it wasn’t the lake, right?”

Sam looked back over his shoulder. The lake was a ways back by then. “Yeah, I thought it was, too. But I didn’t see anything.”

“Well the only thing else up this way is Veilstone City. It’s got to be from there.”

“Barry… Barry!” Sam’s partner continued his running until Sam got enough of his own hand on his shoulder to slow him down. “Barry, slow down!”

Barry came to a seemingly reluctant stop as he continued looking over his shoulder in the direction of the city. “It’s amazing how much slower not moving is than moving,” he complained.

“It’s a city, Barry. When we thought it could be Carlos and the crew blowing stuff up trying to find one of the guardians, yeah. Then we ran really frantically towards the danger. But the sound of explosions coming from a city? That really had to have just been fireworks. Think about it; it’s not like someone is bombing a city, right?”

“I told you there’s no holiday or anything…”

“A sporting event then. There’s always a reason for fireworks.”

“They don’t have any teams.”

“Well what do they have?”

Barry lifted his bottom lip in contemplation before finally offering, “The world’s largest rock wall.”

“The what?”

“World’s largest rock wall. You know,” Barry motioned his hands in the air as if he were grabbing onto things, “those big fake mountainsides with the nubs? And you climb it?”

“A rock wall?”

“The world’s largest.”

“Is that a thing?”

“Sure. Some places advertise, like, the world’s biggest ball of yarn or yogurt or thumbtack. They have the world’s largest rock wall.”

Sam shook his head. “I don’t think anyone has the world’s largest yogurt.”

“Someone does. Think about it.”

Sam waved Barry off with both hands. They’d gotten off track. “Okay, whatever. World’s largest rock wall… that’s not cause for fireworks.”

“Is what I’m saying.”

“Then what else do they have?”

Barry tapped his foot and looked back again in the direction of the city. “Look, can we just go see, okay? It’ll make me feel better.”

Sam hesitated before he nodded. There was something that Barry was hiding from him; he was far more anxious than the situation seemed to merit, even accounting for possible explosions. But still, Sam couldn’t help but think that Barry had earned his trust. And they had just talked about Barry’s guilt over the last time he’d lied to him; it was unlikely he would put himself right back into a similar situation. Whatever it was he wasn’t saying, there had to be a good reason he was holding it back, and Sam felt obliged to give him that. After all, if there really were explosions in a nearby city, Sam would certainly find out what they were about soon enough. He pointed ahead. “All right, let’s go.”

Sam had no idea how close Veilstone might have been by vehicle, but it was quite a distance by foot. They’d already been rushing through the woods for well over an hour by Sam’s best guess, and he had not heard any noise other than the Kricketots around them chirping, nor had he seen any lights or buildings in the distance. Even if Barry knew where Veilstone was in relationship to Lake Valor, navigating at night, in the woods, guided only by sounds that had stopped not long after they had left their camp was hardly ideal. But still, how far away could Veilstone have been if they were able to hear fireworks from where they set up camp? They would have to be arriving soon.

*

It had been just a few months ago that Sam last visited his parents’ grave. Throughout their childhood, Tommy made sure they visited as often as possible. Each parent’s birthday, the anniversary of each of their deaths, and some day near every one of the major holidays were always reserved for a visit. Tommy would request those days off to make sure he was available—he would never let Sam miss classes, though—and they would head to the Angel of Peace cemetery on the outskirts of Goldenrod City. They would leave their car at the cemetery gate and walk the eighth of a mile through the rolling field of the burial grounds to their parents’ stones. They were modest markers since their mother had died so surprisingly during Sam’s infancy, but it seemed to suit the kind of person their dad was. Tommy had always reassured him that it fit their mom’s personality, too.

Every time they came to the cemetery, Tommy would insist on scrubbing their headstones and replacing the flowers. Even after the short few weeks that separated dad’s death and mom’s birthday, there had to be a new arrangement. It seemed to Sam like such a waste of the money that Tommy worked so hard for, but he would not hear any resistance; if they were visiting, they were putting up new flowers, and that was that. He never understood the scrubbing of their markers, either, but again, Tommy would not go without. He would say that they deserved it, and that was the end of discussion.

The last time Sam had visited, he did not bring an arrangement. He did not bring the bucket and sponges, either. It was not a birthday or anniversary. He stood in silence in front of their stones even though he was looking almost anywhere but at them. He sniffed.

“I don’t know what I’m doing.”

He was there for who-knew-how-long before the words came to him. When he spoke them, he waited. It was foolish to think there would be a reply, of course, but he would have been lying if he said he was not praying for some kind of sign.

“Do you know your son is dying? Do you even know? Wherever you are. He is. Tommy’s—I don’t know what to do. He’s sick, and he’s not even there when I talk to him, and he’s-he’s-he’s,… I don’t know. I don’t know what to do!”

Sam was immediately embarrassed by the rising of his voice and looked around. There was no sign of anyone nearby that could have been witness to his shame. Without anyone there to guilt Sam’s rage into subsiding, he grew emboldened and finally looked down at their stones.

“He’s so young and he’s everything to me, and you’re dead. What kind of parent—who are you to just leave and let Tommy die? He needs you! I can’t help him, and I don’t know what to do! Everything he’s done for me after you both left, and now we both need you, and you’re fu—“ he shook his head and lowered his voice again. He raised a hand to his ears to see if they were as hot as they seemed. “You’re both gone, and now Tommy’s going to die and I’m going to be alone. So good job, mom and dad. Good damn job.”

His eyes moved to the right, to the large empty area next to their mother’s plot that could easily hold two more sites. After mom had died, dad began paying on spaces for himself and both brothers in case anything else had ever happened. Sam, at all of twenty-four years old, saw two of the four spaces already filled with the third possibly to come.

“You got us spaces. All of us, like you knew Tommy and I would never grow up and have our own families. You just shackled us here next to you. Did you know this was going to happen to him? Did you? And you just left! You abandoned us, and this is—what, supposed to make it okay? ‘Hey, sorry we aren’t there to help save your life, Tommy, but here’s a god damned hole in the ground for you to rot in after you—‘” He stopped at the realization that he’d reared his right leg back and was about to kick his father’s marker. The leg trembled at the stress in his calf muscled before he planted it back on the ground. He laughed at the thought that if he were to kick the stone, Tommy might wake up just to come give it a vigorous scrubbing. The laugh vanished, but it unlocked the tears that had not yet flowed to that moment, and they streamed down his face and past his neck. Sam fell forward onto his knees.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m sorry. I know, I know you didn’t—I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose—“

He was interrupted by a popping noise and an eruption of red and yellow in the air. Within moments, there was another, this one purple. In short order, the sky filled with fireworks. Sam had gotten so wrapped up in himself that he had forgotten it was J Day, the celebratory anniversary of Johtoan independence from Kanto. All around the continent, cities were starting their festivities as dusk fell. The sudden lights in the sky and sound all around him made Sam feel that the moment was no longer his own. He placed a hand on each of his parents’ headstones.

“I never believed you could hear us when we came here. Tommy did, but I didn’t. I’m sorry about that, but it’s true. And now, I just really hope you couldn’t hear me. But if you can—if you can, I promise you I will fix this. I will fix Tommy. I won’t let anything happen to him.”

He pushed off the ground in front of him and looked to the sky to see the bursts of celebration. He would end up staying there with his parents under the lights until the finale.

*

Sam removed himself from his memory enough to realize the woods were thinning, and the sound of traffic and sirens and helicopters were replacing those of pokemon around him and twigs crunching under his shoes. Ahead of him he saw structures instead of trees. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been lost in thought at the memory as he took in the sight of the city before him.

Most noticeable was the cloud of dust and debris that hung in the air. It seemed most dense over the east end of Veilstone, but it had dispersed over the entire town, and the brightness of several spotlights reflected off it. Apparently, it had not been fireworks after all. All traffic in the city had come to a standstill, and angry brakelights peppered the highways that seemed to run the perimeter of the town as horns blared in palpable frustration. The line of traffic lead to the source of the debris and smoke: a mess of a structure with no southern wall.

A tall, brick perimeter wall surrounded the gray, decimated building, but there were several holes taken out of it, as well. The perimeter wall was lined along its top with razorwire, and through its new cavities, Sam could see dozens of men in orange jumpsuits being kept at bay by men with riot gear. As Sam scanned the building, he saw a veritable armada of officers, police dogs and pokemon, and armored vehicles. In the sky, searchlights fighting futilely against the unsettled cloud of mayhem, roamed several choppers.

“Was that a prison?” Sam asked as he and Barry began running past houses and office buildings rather than trees.

“It is,” Barry grunted. He was clearly winded from their pace, but he refused to give it up. “Crap, it is. It is!”

Pieces came together in Sam’s mind. “The explosions we heard were from there? From that prison?”

“Well it was all in one piece the last time I saw it, so… probably!”

“Okay, so a prison blew up! Why are we still running there?”

“I have to see! I have to know if he’s still there!”

“Who?”

“Hey! You two! Stop!”

Barry had led Sam into the edge of the city, and apparently an area that was under security from local law enforcement since there was now a cop chasing them down the street between apartment buildings. The officer was shining his flashlight at them and waving it erratically to get their attention. Sam was so caught up in looking back at the bewildered man that he barely noticed Barry rush by him and back towards the cop.

“Hey, cop! I’m sorry we just barged in, but I really need to know if anyone escaped the prison! What happened here?”

Sam could see now that they were all stopped that the cop was a very young officer, possibly between Sam and Barry’s ages. He had the wide-awake look of a man who was not ready to see the things that he just had that night. He alternated shining the light in Barry and Sam’s faces.

“I can’t tell you that, sir. I mean, we don’t have any verification of anything set in… I just don’t know. We don’t know. I need you to—wait…” The officer had lingered the light on Barry’s face and the horror of realization grabbed him. He snatched his walkie-talkie and shouted into it. “I need help! Barry West is here; I have him on sixth, between Oak and Washington Streets! Barry West, the terrorist kid! He’s here! I need back—“

Barry had reacted so quickly, Sam had not even seen him release Monferno before the monkey used its mach punch attack to send the young policeman to the ground.

“Barry! Are you insane?”

Barry grabbed Sam’s arm and pulled him in the direction of the prison. “No time, gotta go!”

“You just attacked a cop!” Sam yelled back, finally pulling himself free of Barry’s grip and moving on his own.

“I think we all knew that at some point I was going to end up attacking a cop.”

“No! No, I didn’t know that!”

“Well you really should know me better by this point in our relationship, Sam.”

“Barry, you’ve got to stop! For one thing, my lungs are going to explode out of my chest. We’ve been hurrying like this forever. For another, the cops seem to have everything about as in-hand as it’s going to get. Can you just tell me what’s going on?”

Barry did slow himself to a stop. He looked back towards Sam and then in the direction of the prison. As if resigning himself that Sam was right, he slowly walked back. Sam noticed Barry’s arm come across his chest and knew his partner was feeling the sharpness there just as he was.

“Yeah. I mean… yeah. Sorry. I just… I have to get to the prison.”

“Why? Because you think someone escaped? That’s what you asked the cop, right?”

“Yeah. The guy who killed my parents. That’s where he is. I just have to know…”

Barry and Sam were suddenly bathed in light. A helicopter above them had focused its searchlight right on the pair. Sam spun as he took in his surroundings; there were cops everywhere. Some were aiming guns at the two of them, and others were standing next to their released pokemon. There were at least twenty officers and several pokemon all told. To say they did not look happy was an understatement. Sam saw an officer off to his right who could not have been much older than the one Monferno had clobbered. The young cop’s right hand twitched while aiming a gun at them while his other wiped the sweat from his brow. Sam’s eyes shifted to another officer; this one was breathing so hard Sam could see his nostrils flaring from several feet away. These cops, who had spent the last few hours dealing with containing an emergency situation in the middle of the night, were clearly on edge.

“Stay where you are! You are surrounded and ordered to comply or face aggressive measures! This is your only warning!”

“Hey, we’re not hurting anyone here,” Barry replied, starting towards the one issuing the command.

“Barry…,”

“I just need to know what happened tonight.”

“Barry,” Sam called with more urgency. He saw the officer who had been wiping his brow perk upward and roll his shoulders back. Both hands were on his weapon at that moment.

“I’m not a terrorist, all right? That’s just stupid.”

“Barry!”

Sam dove forward, wrapping his arms around Barry’s legs and pulling him down. Somewhere above them, he heard a bullet zip through the air followed by two more. At least one of the officers had opened fire. In his grasp, Sam felt Barry’s body twitch and jerk involuntarily with each crack of a shot fired. Sam pulled his own body forward across Barry’s; partly to keep his young friend from doing anything stupid, and partly to put something between Barry and the bullets.

The officers were on them before Sam had a second to think of what to do next. They pulled him off of Barry and lifted the two of them up. They were each pushed off in opposite directions, causing Sam to look back and call out his friend’s name again in shock. An officer twisted Sam’s head back forward before slamming him face-first into the side of a building. Sam’s nose flushed with heat and he felt liquid run down from it, through his moustache and over his mouth. He never got a chance to see if Barry was all right. Someone grabbed his arms with force and turned them behind his back.

“I will break your damn arm, man. Stay still and quit resisting!”

Sam tried to reply that he wasn’t resisting, but the words were unrecognizable. He was having a hard time getting air through his nostrils, and when he opened his lips, the warm, salty fluid filled his mouth. The officer wrenched Sam’s arms back further than his shoulders wanted them to go, and Sam cried out in agony. He felt a sharp edge cut into the side of his wrist and heard a zipping noise as his hands were bound behind his back. He risked another glance back to see if Barry was okay, but his vision was blurred by the tears that were suddenly filling his eyes. One of the cops, apparently unconcerned over whether or not Sam could see anything anyway, snapped a forearm into Sam’s cheekbone and forced his face forward again. Amidst the police yelling at him and to each other, Sam could not hear Barry’s voice at all.

He felt a hand shoot into his pocket, and Sam kicked back in its direction on pure instinct. The foolish reaction was met with another scream about resisting arrest and having his legs being kicked out from under him. He’d already lost most of his vision, and when the back of his head hit the concrete, the world’s sound left him, too. A low humming filled his head, and he felt the cops pull him upwards even though Sam knew he wouldn’t be able to stand. It mattered little because it was not long before they tossed him headlong onto a seat cushion, and he realized he must have been in the backseat of a car.

[Sidewinder]

Most people, when confronted with a sound they could only recognize as explosions, run as far away as possible. Explosions imply destruction, damage, injury, and death; to the layperson, those are four things that are to be avoided at all costs. A person with a semblance of sanity and reason would hear explosions from over a dozen miles away and do everything in his power to put more distance between himself and the possible devastation. And while a person in a peaceful setting will tell you he knows enough to evacuate in a calm, orderly manner, the reality is that most people flee in a frenzied, selfish fashion. Self-preservation tends to kick in, and it becomes every-man-for-himself to get as far away from the peril as quickly as possible.

That paragraph really reminded me of several from 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy'. I hope it's not rude of me to compare your work to someone else's, but the similarities are quite hilariously warming. I don't feel like I've seen this kind of reflective thought based observations from you before. Well, I have, but the way you described this situation was completely awesome and I really enjoyed reading it. The thoughts you described were spot on and completely hilarious. Good job!

it turned out their camp hadn’t been far from the lake’s northern edge, and the sound could not possible have been so close

I feel like 'turned out' was an awkward choice of words there. It would make more sense if they discovered that's where the camp was, but as its something they knew already, it seems like a weird word choice

“Sure. Some places advertise, like, the world’s biggest ball of yarn or yogurt or thumbtack. They have the world’s largest rock wall.”

Barry used to be annoying to me, but as time went on he's quickly become my favorite character, but I swear, the comedy you keep putting in with him cracks me up lol. Genius line there, really funny

It had been just a few months ago that Sam last visited his parents’ grave.

Hmm. I can appreciate where you're going with this, and believe me, I'm pretty stoked to visit more of Sammy's past, but the flashback or look-back seemed too abrupt. I feel like if a thought or object he saw was used to trigger the flashback, it would have made it feel a little more natural

through the rolling field of the burial grounds to their parents’ stones.

Misplaced apostrophe there

He would say that they deserved it, and that was the end of discussion.

I liked that quite a bit. That kind of repetition probably helped him with his grieving in a big way.

He was there for who-knew-how-long before the words came to him.

The bolded portion felt awkward to me. I read it several times and for some reason it didn't flow very well. I don't have any siggestions on how to fix it, and maybe I'm just being weird, but yeah

Sam, at all of twenty-four years old, saw two of the four spaces already filled with the third possibly to come.

Wow, that really tore at me. How amazingly emotional. Thinking about your own mortality is hard, especially when you get old enough to realize that it's eventually going to happen. But to actually see it in front of you? Wow, that's pretty intense.

“I think we all knew that at some point I was going to end up attacking a cop.”

Omfg I wish you had come up with that line before 2013, because it would be my nomination for funniest scene. Not only is that line true to Barry's character, but lmao it was hilarious. Awesome

and partly to put something between Barry and the bullets.

I won't say that that was uncharacteristically noble of him, but his hidden depths keep surprising me; I admired his action there

He felt a hand shoot into his pocket, and Sam kicked back in its direction on pure instinct without thinking.

I feel like it flows better if without the bolded portion

the world’s sound left him, too. A low humming filled his head,

I may be off base here, but if you say that the world's sound left, it seems kinda redundant to immediately mention a humming. Does that make sense?

Well, I have to say that my favorite part of the chapter was Sammy's flashback with him and Tommy at their parent's grave. You packed a lot of emotion into it and it played really well. A always I'm excited for the next chapter, and as always I feel like you did a great job. Now get to work on chapter 21 lol

[diamondpearl876]

Most people, when confronted with a sound they could only recognize as explosions, run as far away as possible. Explosions imply destruction, damage, injury, and death; to the layperson, those are four things that are to be avoided at all costs. A person with a semblance of sanity and reason would hear explosions from over a dozen miles away and do everything in his power to put more distance between himself and the possible devastation. And while a person in a peaceful setting will tell you he knows enough to evacuate in a calm, orderly manner, the reality is that most people flee in a frenzied, selfish fashion. Self-preservation tends to kick in, and it becomes every-man-for-himself to get as far away from the peril as quickly as possible.

Lol, I like the part where you included how people say they think they could be calm, but they really couldn’t be. So true.

“Sure. Some places advertise, like, the world’s biggest ball of yarn or yogurt or thumbtack. They have the world’s largest rock wall.”

Sam shook his head. “I don’t think anyone has the world’s largest yogurt.”

“Someone does. Think about it.”

I think I love Barry. So cute, here.

Barry tapped his foot and looked back again in the direction of the city. “Look, can we just go see, okay?” It’ll make me feel better.”

You’ve got a random quotation mark in the middle there.

The last time Sam had visited, he did not bring an arrangement. He did not bring the bucket and sponges, either. It was not a birthday or anniversary. He stood in silence in front of their stones even though he was looking almost anywhere but at them. He sniffed.

“I don’t know what I’m doing.”

After the previous paragraph about traditions, this really makes a mark and strikes home. Powerful.

So good job, mom and dad. Good damn job.”

“mom” and “dad” should be capitalized since he’s referring to them like it’s their names.
Also like the guilt that Sam tries to put on his parents for leaving him and Tommy… It’s not very nice, no, but it’s realistic. Such anger over death is pretty common, I think.

He was interrupted by a popping noise and an eruption of red and yellow in the air. Within moments, there was another, this one purple. In short order, the sky filled with fireworks. Sam had gotten so wrapped up in himself that he had forgotten it was J Day, the celebratory anniversary of Johtoan independence from Kanto. All around the continent, cities were starting their festivities as dusk fell. The sudden lights in the sky and sound all around him made Sam feel that the moment was no longer his own. He placed a hand on each of his parents’ headstones.

Like the holiday. And I was wondering why you put this scene where you did, but now it all makes sense. Nice.

“Hey, cop! I’m sorry we just barged in, but I really need to know if anyone escaped the prison! What happened here?”

Shouldn’t Sam try to be enforcing Barry to NOT do this? ‘Cause aren’t they wanted and stuff? If I recall correctly…
Yup, this ended badly. Barry possibly may have been shot and Sam is arrested? What the hell is going to happen now? This is obviously going to be a (hopefully temporary) stop in their journey. I can’t imagine how they’d be able to get out of it, though, so obviously looking forward to the next chapter. Damn your cliffhangers.

[Sid87]

That paragraph really reminded me of several from 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy'. I hope it's not rude of me to compare your work to someone else's, but the similarities are quite hilariously warming. I don't feel like I've seen this kind of reflective thought based observations from you before. Well, I have, but the way you described this situation was completely awesome and I really enjoyed reading it. The thoughts you described were spot on and completely hilarious. Good job!

I have not read nearly as much Clarke as I should, including the Guide, but I do appreciate the flattering comparison! Thanks!

Barry used to be annoying to me, but as time went on he's quickly become my favorite character, but I swear, the comedy you keep putting in with him cracks me up lol. Genius line there, really funny

Everyone seems to like Barry, an that's great because the character almost writes himself. He's a blast to come up with stuff for.

Hmm. I can appreciate where you're going with this, and believe me, I'm pretty stoked to visit more of Sammy's past, but the flashback or look-back seemed too abrupt. I feel like if a thought or object he saw was used to trigger the flashback, it would have made it feel a little more natural

My ORIGINAL intent was to start the chapter with this scene, but I really wanted something to time-skip part of the journey from Valor to Veilstone. The impetus for the memory is obviously the fireworks, but that is not apparent until the end, so I get that it is jerky until then. Do you think it would have worked better as the intro?

Omfg I wish you had come up with that line before 2013, because it would be my nomination for funniest scene. Not only is that line true to Barry's character, but lmao it was hilarious. Awesome

Barry is a blast, like I said. That line was almost a fourth-wall wink because I think we ALL knew it was going to happen.

I won't say that that was uncharacteristically noble of him, but his hidden depths keep surprising me; I admired his action there

I think that moment is one of my favorites of the whole story so far. I really enjoyed that moment.

I feel like it flows better if without the bolded portion

Absolutely right, and I don't know how I never noticed it until you said that.

I may be off base here, but if you say that the world's sound left, it seems kinda redundant to immediately mention a humming. Does that make sense?

I might have misworded it; I meant the sound of the outside world was lost to him. He couldn't hear the cops or Barry or sirens or mayhem anymore... it was all replaced with the hum in his skull. I might need to rework that.

Well, I have to say that my favorite part of the chapter was Sammy's flashback with him and Tommy at their parent's grave. You packed a lot of emotion into it and it played really well. A always I'm excited for the next chapter, and as always I feel like you did a great job. Now get to work on chapter 21 lol

I will try to get to work on it this week! Thank you very much!

Lol, I like the part where you included how people say they think they could be calm, but they really couldn’t be. So true.

I'm sure I'D be a panicker, that's for sure.

You’ve got a random quotation mark in the middle there.

It's embarrassing to admit I reread this chapter countless times and NEVER saw that.

Like the holiday. And I was wondering why you put this scene where you did, but now it all makes sense. Nice.

Yeah, like I told Sidewinder, this was, at one time, going to START the chapter, but I ended up liking it more in the middle. Do you think it works there when the wait for why THAT moment is being shown is so long?

Shouldn’t Sam try to be enforcing Barry to NOT do this? ‘Cause aren’t they wanted and stuff? If I recall correctly…
Yup, this ended badly. Barry possibly may have been shot and Sam is arrested? What the hell is going to happen now? This is obviously going to be a (hopefully temporary) stop in their journey. I can’t imagine how they’d be able to get out of it, though, so obviously looking forward to the next chapter. Damn your cliffhangers.

You know... originally, in my think-through for this chapter, there WAS going to be a Barry/Sam moment where Sam scolds him for wanting answers from the cops since they are on the lam, but in the practice of writing it, that scene just never came. There never seemed to be a moment for it. But it WAS intended.

Thanks, as always, for the thoughts! I will get my review of your newest chapter up this weekend.

[Ememew]

Chapter 20

Even as Sam had long-since dismissed the idea that the origin of the noise was the Phoenix Corporation at Lake Valor—it turned out their camp hadn’t been far from the lake’s northern edge, and the sound could not possible have been so close—they continued hurrying onward. Barry, perhaps caught up in the adrenaline of potential action and conflict, had only given one clue since they passed the lake, a word he mumbled aloud as he picked up his pace.

Possible should be possibly.

“So you think the sound was coming from Veilstone?”

Those would have to be some explosions to be heard from Lake Valor if the source is all the way in Veilstone. I’m not sure the distance is believable.

Barry shrugged as he slowed down just enough to be able to coherently run and speak simultaneously. “I guess. I mean, it wasn’t the lake, right?”

Coherently run? I think run and speak need to be in the opposite order for that to work.

Barry came to a seemingly reluctant stop as he continued looking over his shoulder in the direction of the city. “It’s amazing how much slower not moving is than moving,” he complained.

Barry’s lines continue to be entertaining.

“I told you there’s no holiday or anything…”

“A sporting event then. There’s always a reason for fireworks.”

“They don’t have any teams.”

“Well what do they have?”

Barry lifted his bottom lip in contemplation before finally offering, “The world’s largest rock wall.”

“The what?”

“World’s largest rock wall. You know,” Barry motioned his hands in the air as if he were grabbing onto things, “those big fake mountainsides with the nubs? And you climb it?”

“A rock wall?”

“The world’s largest.”

“Is that a thing?”

“Sure. Some places advertise, like, the world’s biggest ball of yarn or yogurt or thumbtack. They have the world’s largest rock wall.”

Sam shook his head. “I don’t think anyone has the world’s largest yogurt.”

“Someone does. Think about it.”

Sam waved Barry off with both hands. They’d gotten off track. “Okay, whatever. World’s largest rock wall… that’s not cause for fireworks.”

Unfortunately as amusing as this segment is (the yogurt part especially), it seems more like a distraction – and a rather random tangent – than a natural conversation. Barry’s funny, but he seems like he would know not to be this random in this sort of situation.

Also, it seems like Sam could suggest that someone was celebrating a birthday or something like that which wouldn’t have a date everyone would know about.

Sam had no idea how close Veilstone might have been by vehicle, but it was quite a distance by foot. They’d already been rushing through the woods for well over an hour by Sam’s best guess, and he had not heard any noise other than the Kricketots around them chirping, nor had he seen any lights or buildings in the distance. Even if Barry knew where Veilstone was in relationship to Lake Valor, navigating at night, in the woods, guided only by sounds that had stopped not long after they had left their camp was hardly ideal. But still, how far away could Veilstone have been if they were able to hear fireworks from where they set up camp? They would have to be arriving soon.

Yeah, especially with this description of how far they’re traveling to investigate the idea that the sounds carried that far and were still recognizable as explosions seems fairly unrealistic.

Every time they came to the cemetery, Tommy would insist on scrubbing their headstones and replacing the flowers. Even after the short few weeks that separated dad’s death and mom’s birthday, there had to be a new arrangement

It seems like Dad and Mom should be capitalized because they’re being used in place of names instead of “their dad . . . their mom.”

Well, that grave scene was rather gloomy. It does a good job of capturing Sam’s desperation and helplessness in the face of Tommy’s condition. Turning that desperation into determination to do something about it was believably done as well.

I do agree with other comments that something to help transition to the memory might be helpful. It’s not being in the middle that’s the issue, it’s that something prompting the memory would help it blend into the chapter better – perhaps thinking about how once again he’s running away from where he thinks the legends are to trigger a memory of the day he promised to do something about Tommy’s condition?

a mess of a structure with no southern wall.

Just pausing to say I like this description.

The perimeter wall was lined along its top with razorwire, and through its new cavities, Sam could see dozens of men in orange jumpsuits being kept at bay by men with riot gear.

Razorwire? I’ve always heard it called barbed wire.

“It is,” Barry grunted. He was clearly winded from their pace, but he refused to give it up. “Crap, it is. It is!”

I’m not sure that, even given why Barry’s so concerned about this, he would immediately question the prison’s security after hearing explosion-esque sounds from Veilstone’s general direction. However, that seems to be his line of thought based on the reaction he has at Lake Valor and now.

It’s like his thought process went like this: Explosions? Is it at Lake Valor? If no, then it must be my parents’ killer’s prison getting a hole blasted out of it. It just doesn’t seem that natural of a reaction to me.

Coupled with the fact that there was so much distance between Lake Valor and Veilstone (taking over an hour to travel on foot, so if the killer escaped he’d be long gone anyway), I wonder if it might make more sense to introduce this part of the story with Sam and/or Barry catching news of the breakout, explosions and all, on TV when they’re lifting food from a gas station or something and Barry deciding he wants to see what happened after that.

Being at the right place at the right time to see it on the news might seem a little contrived, so it’s probably not ideal, but the distance of the explosions and Barry seemingly concluding that they might have something to do with the prison just doesn’t make the current chain of events seem all that plausible to me. You could probably come up with a better scenario than my example, but I just thought I’d give my two cents.

“Hey, cop! I’m sorry we just barged in, but I really need to know if anyone escaped the prison! What happened here?”

Barry gets straight to the point, doesn’t he?

“I can’t tell you that, sir. I mean, we don’t have any verification of anything set in… I just don’t know. We don’t know. I need you to—wait…” The officer had lingered the light on Barry’s face and the horror of realization grabbed him. He snatched his walkie-talkie and shouted into it. “I need help! Barry West is here; I have him on sixth, between Oak and Washington Streets! Barry West, the terrorist kid! He’s here! I need back—“

Barry had reacted so quickly, Sam had not even seen him release Monferno before the monkey used its mach punch attack to send the young policeman to the ground.

As if Barry being at the scene of an explosion wasn’t already troublesome enough.

“I think we all knew that at some point I was going to end up attacking a cop.”

“No! No, I didn’t know that!”

Barry’s quote might be funny, but I think Sam’s reaction wins this time.

“Barry, you’ve got to stop! For one thing, my lungs are going to explode out of my chest. We’ve been hurrying like this forever. For another, the cops seem to have everything about as in-hand as it’s going to get. Can you just tell me what’s going on?”

Hmm, I think listing things off as “for one thing, for another” sort of detracts from the pacing and urgency of the scene. It sort of slows things down.

I think you like writing cliffhangers.

Overall, the action and writing are good, but the idea that the explosions were recognizable at the distance they were and Barry’s leap to assuming that they were related to the prison don’t seem quite as sound as they could be with a little tweaking as far as how the two learn about the situation goes.

[Knightfall]

Well, managed to get a little free time and read this. Let's get started, shall we?

And while a person in a calm setting will tell you he knows enough to evacuate in a calm, orderly manner, the reality is that most people flee in a frenzied, selfish fashion. Self-preservation tends to kick in, and it becomes every-man-for-himself to get as far away from the peril as quickly as possible.

I suppose that I could go into a discussion on how even though social structure and civilization have become ingrained into us as a species, primal instincts still reside deep within our minds waiting for the correct moment to reveal themselves once more. An unsettling thought at how quickly these instincts can undo centuries' worth of progress in society.

*
“It’s a city, Barry. When we thought it could be Carlos and the crew blowing stuff up trying to find one of the guardians, yeah. Then we ran really frantically towards the danger. But the sound of explosions coming from a city? That really had to have just been fireworks. Think about it; it’s not like someone is bombing a city, right?”

A bit of foreshadowing, hmm?

“World’s largest rock wall. You know,” Barry motioned his hands in the air as if he were grabbing onto things, “those big fake mountainsides with the nubs? And you climb it?”

“A rock wall?”

“The world’s largest.”

Well, when you're stuck in the corner of Sinnoh with nothing else to claim, might as well get that.

Sam had no idea how close Veilstone might have been by vehicle, but it was quite a distance by foot. They’d already been rushing through the woods for well over an hour by Sam’s best guess, and he had not heard any noise other than the Kricketots around them chirping, nor had he seen any lights or buildings in the distance. Even if Barry knew where Veilstone was in relationship to Lake Valor, navigating at night, in the woods, guided only by sounds that had stopped not long after they had left their camp was hardly ideal. But still, how far away could Veilstone have been if they were able to hear fireworks from where they set up camp? They would have to be arriving soon.

I'm fairly certain someone mentioned this before, but those had to have been some serious explosives to hear them from that distance. Not to mention that there are geographical landmarks which might muffle the noise as well. So, what I'm saying was, it had to have been some powerful stuff to produce that kind of effect from such a distance.

Every time they came to the cemetery, Tommy would insist on scrubbing their headstones and replacing the flowers. Even after the short few weeks that separated dad’s death and mom’s birthday, there had to be a new arrangement. It seemed to Sam like such a waste of the money that Tommy worked so hard for, but he would not hear any resistance; if they were visiting, they were putting up new flowers, and that was that. He never understood the scrubbing of their markers, either, but again, Tommy would not go without. He would say that they deserved it, and that was the end of discussion.

Nice bit of back story here. It shows a good bit of Tommy's personality, something we haven't seen in a while. There's an awful lot of dedication there for him to always be there on every occasion and cleaning the markers. Very nice.

“He’s so young and he’s everything to me, and you’re dead. What kind of parent—who are you to just leave and let Tommy die? He needs you! I can’t help him, and I don’t know what to do! Everything he’s done for me after you both left, and now we both need you, and you’re fu—“ he shook his head and lowered his voice again. He raised a hand to his ears to see if they were as hot as they seemed. “You’re both gone, and now Tommy’s going to die and I’m going to be alone. So good job, mom and dad. Good damn job.”

Note: this will be one of several pieces of dialogue I highlight because I just love how much Sam's emotions show through here.

“You got us spaces. All of us, like you knew Tommy and I would never grow up and have our own families. You just shackled us here next to you. Did you know this was going to happen to him? Did you? And you just left! You abandoned us, and this is—what, supposed to make it okay? ‘Hey, sorry we aren’t there to help save your life, Tommy, but here’s a god damned hole in the ground for you to rot in after you—‘” He stopped at the realization that he’d reared his right leg back and was about to kick his father’s marker. The leg trembled at the stress in his calf muscled before he planted it back on the ground. He laughed at the thought that if he were to kick the stone, Tommy might wake up just to come give it a vigorous scrubbing. The laugh vanished, but it unlocked the tears that had not yet flowed to that moment, and they streamed down his face and past his neck. Sam fell forward onto his knees.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m sorry. I know, I know you didn’t—I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose—“

It makes sense that Sam would do this. With virtually no one else left alive in his family, he had nowhere else to release his anger on. It's a cruel piece of irony you put in there, having Sam's father reserve two spaces for his sons... it's almost like a Greek tragedy. Well done.

Most noticeable was the cloud of dust and debris that hung in the air. It seemed most dense over the east end of Veilstone, but it had dispersed over the entire town, and the brightness of several spotlights reflected off it. Apparently, it had not been fireworks after all. All traffic in the city had come to a standstill, and angry brakelights peppered the highways that seemed to run the perimeter of the town as horns blared in palpable frustration. The line of traffic lead to the source of the debris and smoke: a mess of a structure with no southern wall.

Like the attention to detail in this paragraph. The dust cloud, the blaring horns, the standstill traffic. All of it helps to visualize the scene in my head.

“I have to see! I have to know if he’s still there!”

“Who?”

Oh, I know exactly who it is. Hmm, I wondered when this would come into play. Well, since Neo-Team Plasma existed, it makes sense that fragments of Galactic/Church of Cyrus supporters remained and conspired to free him.

“I need help! Barry West is here; I have him on sixth, between Oak and Washington Streets! Barry West, the terrorist kid! He’s here! I need back—“

Yep, he's here to terrorize all the ecos.

“Barry! Are you insane?”

Barry grabbed Sam’s arm and pulled him in the direction of the prison. “No time, gotta go!”

“You just attacked a cop!” Sam yelled back, finally pulling himself free of Barry’s grip and moving on his own.

“I think we all knew that at some point I was going to end up attacking a cop.”

I'd love to know where you get this dialogue, because it is pure gold, my friend. I honestly look forward to seeing every new chapter partly because of the interactions between Sam and Barry. I love it.

“Well you really should know me better by this point in our relationship, Sam.”

Screw gold, you;ve struck diamond encrusted platinum, my friend.

These cops, who had spent the last few hours dealing with containing an emergency situation in the middle of the night, were clearly on edge.

“Stay where you are! You are surrounded and ordered to comply or face aggressive measures! This is your only warning!”

Hmm, their dialogue doesn't really match with the "on-edge" attitude you gave them in the above paragraph. Seems too "formal". Though, it's just my opinion.

Sam dove forward, wrapping his arms around Barry’s legs and pulling him down. Somewhere above them, he heard a bullet zip through the air followed by two more. At least one of the officers had opened fire. In his grasp, Sam felt Barry’s body twitch and jerk involuntarily with each crack of a shot fired. Sam pulled his own body forward across Barry’s; partly to keep his young friend from doing anything stupid, and partly to put something between Barry and the bullets.

Ah, there's the aggressive, "no-BS-allowed" attitude.

Sam tried to reply that he wasn’t resisting, but the words were unrecognizable. He was having a hard time getting air through his nostrils, and when he opened his lips, the warm, salty fluid filled his mouth. The officer wrenched Sam’s arms back further than his shoulders wanted them to go, and Sam cried out in agony. He felt a sharp edge cut into the side of his wrist and heard a zipping noise as his hands were bound behind his back. He risked another glance back to see if Barry was okay, but his vision was blurred by the tears that were suddenly filling his eyes. One of the cops, apparently unconcerned over whether or not Sam could see anything anyway, snapped a forearm into Sam’s cheekbone and forced his face forward again. Amidst the police yelling at him and to each other, Sam could not hear Barry’s voice at all.

Wow. This entire scene, the description, the action, the emotion, all blended perfectly. Well done. well done.

All and all, another excellent chapter, although again on the slightly short side in my opinion. I liked the insight we got into Sam and Tommy's life before the story began.
What I really hope for, is that in the next chapter, we get to see some more of Barry's story, because I am hooked on it now.

Knightfall signing off...

[Sid87]

Those would have to be some explosions to be heard from Lake Valor if the source is all the way in Veilstone. I’m not sure the distance is believable.

Oh, EFF me. I wrote a giant explanation for this, then stupidly did a Google search in this tab and lost it. Sigh, I will try AGAIN.

Believe it or not, I STRONGLY considered this when I wrote the chapter, and what I came up with was that it was certainly plausible for them to have heard the explosions from where they were. I'll explain:

Sam and Barry traveled about two hours from their camp to Veilstone. This is not explicitly stated, but I did say "well over an hour" at one point before the flashback time skip. Then the flashback happened and then they were at Veilstone. So all-told... about two hours of travel.

The average human jogging speed is 4.5 - 5.5 MPH based on the first result that shows up when I Google average human jogging speed. We'll go with that number as a base speed for their travel since they obviously weren't running for two hours straight. They would have keeled over well before Veilstone. So since they'd periodically HAVE to stop and/or slow down, we'll say a jogging pace was their average.

We'll use the top-end speed (5.5 MPH) here as an err-on-the-side-of-caution thought process, and also because Sam and Barry are both young and fairly fit.

So two hours at 5.5 MPH is 11 miles. But Sam and Barry also weren't running in a straight line; they were following sounds they heard at the begining of the 2 hours in a general direction Barry knew to be accurate. So let's be conservative and give them 1-2 miles added due to general wandering. That puts Veilstone as being 9-10 miles from there.

So here's where I make assumptions: First, I'm fairly certain I have heard fireworks happening in towns that were 9-10 miles away from me, and two, actual, intent-to-blow-stuff-up explosives are louder than fireworks. I might be wrong on either of those, but they FEEL right to me.

So, all-told, it seemed quite likely to me that explosions could be heard from ~10 miles away. But I looked it up even further and did a Google search and got this:

http://www.post-journal.com/page/con....html?nav=5192

The police department involved is Lakewood-Busti (NY), and the explosions were heard in North Warren, PA. I mapquested North Warren from Lakewood (>20 miles) and Busti (>15 miles), and again I felt secure that I wasn't overshooting.

So... like I said... I did consider this, and it seemed rational to me.

Coherently run? I think run and speak need to be in the opposite order for that to work.

Yeah, that's an odd one. Heh.

Unfortunately as amusing as this segment is (the yogurt part especially), it seems more like a distraction – and a rather random tangent – than a natural conversation. Barry’s funny, but he seems like he would know not to be this random in this sort of situation.

Eh, it's true. But I was thinking that is just how Barry's brain works. He just kind of regurgitates his thoughts without thinking. And, really, this scene was not at any point in my chapter-planning; it just kind of came out when I was writing. Like I said above, Barry just writes himself. I maybe should have reigned him in there.

Also, it seems like Sam could suggest that someone was celebrating a birthday or something like that which wouldn’t have a date everyone would know about.

Damn, you must be some fancy rich folk that have fireworks on your birthdays. I would never have even considered that, myself.

Yeah, especially with this description of how far they’re traveling to investigate the idea that the sounds carried that far and were still recognizable as explosions seems fairly unrealistic.

Pretty sure I covered this.

It seems like Dad and Mom should be capitalized because they’re being used in place of names instead of “their dad . . . their mom.”

Really? Huh. I never would think to do that, but others have brought it up. "Can you get me a drink, mom?" "Can you get me a drink, Mom?" Hmmm... I, personally, don't really like the latter. Am I just wrong on this?

Well, that grave scene was rather gloomy. It does a good job of capturing Sam’s desperation and helplessness in the face of Tommy’s condition. Turning that desperation into determination to do something about it was believably done as well.

I do agree with other comments that something to help transition to the memory might be helpful. It’s not being in the middle that’s the issue, it’s that something prompting the memory would help it blend into the chapter better – perhaps thinking about how once again he’s running away from where he thinks the legends are to trigger a memory of the day he promised to do something about Tommy’s condition?

At one point, I had started the cut-away with something like "Sam remembered the last time he heard fireworks..." or something akin, but I thought that was too "telly" and not enough "showy", so I decided to go with the abrupt cut and let the reader wait for the rationale, hoping they'd go "Ohhh... I get it!". This reminds me a LOT of the scene earlier where the history of the world and the North/South war was described. I absolutely loved it and its placement; everyone else hated it. Perhaps I just shouldn't ever cut away, I dunno. It's disheartening; I really enjoyed both of those scene.

Razorwire? I’ve always heard it called barbed wire.

It's a different thing. Same general concept (keep something in/out), but MUCH more brutal and vicious. Look it up...it's literally wire, lined with razors instead of little barbs. Prisons always have the stuff.

I’m not sure that, even given why Barry’s so concerned about this, he would immediately question the prison’s security after hearing explosion-esque sounds from Veilstone’s general direction. However, that seems to be his line of thought based on the reaction he has at Lake Valor and now.

It’s like his thought process went like this: Explosions? Is it at Lake Valor? If no, then it must be my parents’ killer’s prison getting a hole blasted out of it. It just doesn’t seem that natural of a reaction to me.

Coupled with the fact that there was so much distance between Lake Valor and Veilstone (taking over an hour to travel on foot, so if the killer escaped he’d be long gone anyway), I wonder if it might make more sense to introduce this part of the story with Sam and/or Barry catching news of the breakout, explosions and all, on TV when they’re lifting food from a gas station or something and Barry deciding he wants to see what happened after that.

Being at the right place at the right time to see it on the news might seem a little contrived, so it’s probably not ideal, but the distance of the explosions and Barry seemingly concluding that they might have something to do with the prison just doesn’t make the current chain of events seem all that plausible to me. You could probably come up with a better scenario than my example, but I just thought I’d give my two cents.

I'm not going to argue much with this. It's kind of plot devicey. I would explain Barry's rationale in that he only really knows one thing about Veilstone, and that is that it is where that prison is, so that is where his line of thought went to.

I think you like writing cliffhangers.

I dunno about if I LIKE them, but I do feel chapters need to end on a hook. You ever have a good book, and you need to go to sleep/work/dinner, and you think "I'll just finish this chapter..."? But you get to the end and think "Damn, now I need to see what happens next! Just one more chapter...". And before you know it, you've read four chapters since you decided you were done? I like that effect (Incidentally, this also why my chapters are generally so short)

Overall, the action and writing are good, but the idea that the explosions were recognizable at the distance they were and Barry’s leap to assuming that they were related to the prison don’t seem quite as sound as they could be with a little tweaking as far as how the two learn about the situation goes.

My thing with the prison is... I don't know much about Portland, Oregon. I know it's not a big city and I know it's on the other end of the continent from me. That's it. But if something tied to me was there--a family member moved there or I adopted a baby born there or, say, the guy who killed my parents was in jail there--any time I had to think of the city, my thoughts would go straight to the thing I recognize. "An explosion! I wonder how it affects my uncle/the orphanage/the prison!". So that's what I was going for with Barry. It was probably a stretch, and, like I said, a little plot devicey. But I tried.

Heh, you ever have one of those chapters/scenes/short stories that you absolutely LOVED and thought was great, and someone whose opinion you value comes in and says "No, this is awful". That's me right now. This was my favorite chapter in quite a while, but man was it a foul ball by you. I will endeavor to improve!

I suppose that I could go into a discussion on how even though social structure and civilization have become ingrained into us as a species, primal instincts still reside deep within our minds waiting for the correct moment to reveal themselves once more. An unsettling thought at how quickly these instincts can undo centuries' worth of progress in society.

I think the best way I've heard it phrased is that A PERSON is very smart and knowledgeable, but PEOPLE are scatter-brained and instinct-driven.

I'm fairly certain someone mentioned this before, but those had to have been some serious explosives to hear them from that distance. Not to mention that there are geographical landmarks which might muffle the noise as well. So, what I'm saying was, it had to have been some powerful stuff to produce that kind of effect from such a distance.

Yeah, I went into depth with this in my reply to Em, so go read my big ol' block of text up there. It's all I got on the matter.

Nice bit of back story here. It shows a good bit of Tommy's personality, something we haven't seen in a while. There's an awful lot of dedication there for him to always be there on every occasion and cleaning the markers. Very nice.

Yeah, I've been feeling guilty lately at the lack of Tommy in the story for the last several chapters. Even here, it's just a reference. Poor guy.

It makes sense that Sam would do this. With virtually no one else left alive in his family, he had nowhere else to release his anger on. It's a cruel piece of irony you put in there, having Sam's father reserve two spaces for his sons... it's almost like a Greek tragedy. Well done.

This came to me because my wife and I recently purchased life insurance, and while I recognize it as an adult, responsible, sensible thing to do, the morbid part of my brain now thinks "When I die, she'll get a lot of money". Same thing with buying burial plots; it's completely normal and reasonable to do, but it's like telling someone "NEVER FORGET YOU ARE GOING TO DIE".

...I might just be in a weird place right now.

Like the attention to detail in this paragraph. The dust cloud, the blaring horns, the standstill traffic. All of it helps to visualize the scene in my head.

I'm glad it resonated with you!

Oh, I know exactly who it is. Hmm, I wondered when this would come into play. Well, since Neo-Team Plasma existed, it makes sense that fragments of Galactic/Church of Cyrus supporters remained and conspired to free him.

Well, I know where this is going, but I won't say anything here....

I'd love to know where you get this dialogue, because it is pure gold, my friend. I honestly look forward to seeing every new chapter partly because of the interactions between Sam and Barry. I love it.

Screw gold, you;ve struck diamond encrusted platinum, my friend.

Barry just flows. A FEW lines of his I thought about in advance (the fly swatter/catching flies bit from a way back, for instance), but a lot of his stuff just flows as I'm typing.

Hmm, their dialogue doesn't really match with the "on-edge" attitude you gave them in the above paragraph. Seems too "formal". Though, it's just my opinion.

No, it's a reasonable opinion. I was just thinking of an "official" line they'd have to say before issuing an arrest, but it does kind of conflict with their stress and how quickly they are about to throw away formality and the letter of the law... I'll keep that in mind.

Wow. This entire scene, the description, the action, the emotion, all blended perfectly. Well done. well done.

All and all, another excellent chapter, although again on the slightly short side in my opinion. I liked the insight we got into Sam and Tommy's life before the story began.
What I really hope for, is that in the next chapter, we get to see some more of Barry's story, because I am hooked on it now.

Knightfall signing off...

Thanks for the comments, as always.

[Ememew]

Damn, you must be some fancy rich folk that have fireworks on your birthdays. I would never have even considered that, myself.

Not so much, but there's this guy who lives a few blocks away who sets off fireworks what must be at least once a month. The guy must spend thousands, and we're not always sure what the occasion is so we assume they must be birthdays or something.

Really? Huh. I never would think to do that, but others have brought it up. "Can you get me a drink, mom?" "Can you get me a drink, Mom?" Hmmm... I, personally, don't really like the latter. Am I just wrong on this?

Pretty sure that's the rule I learned in high school.

Perhaps I just shouldn't ever cut away, I dunno. It's disheartening; I really enjoyed both of those scene.

With this scene the placement's OK, I just wonder if the transition might have been a bit stronger.

Heh, you ever have one of those chapters/scenes/short stories that you absolutely LOVED and thought was great, and someone whose opinion you value comes in and says "No, this is awful". That's me right now. This was my favorite chapter in quite a while, but man was it a foul ball by you. I will endeavor to improve!

Don't worry about it so much. When I was just reading through, the distance thing was just sort of distracting (not very, just a little - though it doesn't look like it was actually that much of a problem) and I didn't even think of Barry's jump to the prison until I sat down to do a more review-y look at it. I liked the chapter itself, it's just that I feel the need to point things like this out in "review mode."

[Sid87]

Chapter 21

It had been four days since the incident in Veilstone City. Sam had not heard from Barry at any point in those four days, and no one would answer his questions about where his partner was. Inside the Solaceon Prison, the nearest prison to Veilstone that wasn’t a crumbling mess with a downed wall, Sam had little contact with the outside world.

Sam was in prison, but he was not an inmate. He was repeatedly told that, but he was finding it hard to believe, seeing as how he spent most of his time so far in a locked room and was seldom allowed to leave it for any reason. He was apparently deemed “a person of insight and interest”, whatever that meant, though it most certainly did mean that he was kept detained. There actually were perks to being a person of insight and interest rather than being an inmate; he was locked up in an unused office in the prison rather than on any particular cell block. The office was large, though it was bereft of many supplies; Sam could not find so much as a sticky pad in any of the desk drawers to while away his time. They did leave him both a cot and a soft office chair, so at least there was that. He was even allowed to keep Bree, Vlam, and Chispa’s balls on him, though their release chip had been removed and was held in custody elsewhere in the prison. Even having deactivated pokeballs in an inmate’s possession is met with harsh penalties, Sam had always heard, but at least he was permitted to know where his friends were. The single best part about being not an inmate was that Sam had been allowed to shave after he passed a psychiatric evaluation on his second day in Solaceon. The beard that had pestered him for several days while he and Barry were on the hunt for the legends was finally gone, replaced by freshly razor-burned flesh.

Both shaving and responding to the psych eval were made greatly frustrating by Sam’s recently broken nose. While being registered at the prison, Sam had a police captain tell him, in a very official manner, that they were sorry about their overzealous behavior in the detainment of a life-threatening, fleeing terrorist. So, all in all, it was an apology that was not actually an apology, Sam thought bitterly. Not that it had mattered to Sam either way. They could have gotten on their knees and groveled for his forgiveness; his nose would still be shattered. It was four days since the overzealous behavior, and he was just regaining the ability to make basic consonant sounds besides b’s, d’s, and g’s. If the shrink that had been doing his evaluation had asked Sam to repeat himself one more time, Sam knew he would have lunged over the table at the poor guy, and that would likely have resulted in his failing the exam. The swelling around his eyes was finally settling away, too, though Sam had no idea how long he’d be carrying around the two black eyes or whistling every time he inhaled or exhaled.

In addition to the nose, the overzealous officers had separated the shoulder of his non-dominant arm, but that was easily—and completely unpleasantly—popped back into place by the prison medical staff. He imagined the scream he had uttered at that moment still echoed across Mount Coronet, and should be making its way back home to Johto in about three weeks’ time. He still toted the arm around in a precarious sling, but most of the pain had subsided and he’d regained most of his full-range of motion. It must have been getting better, or the pills they were giving him daily were just doing a damn fine job.

Sam was convinced that he was also given a concussion when his legs were kicked out and he collided with the ground, but the medical staff dodged that diagnosis and insisted he merely had a headache. They were either inept or lying to cover the officers’ mistakes, but either way, Sam mentally promised never to complain about free medical care for prisoners ever again. He was fairly certain he wouldn’t remember the internal pledge anyway, what with being concussed and all. The dull hum within his skull had quieted, but he was still having a hard time focusing or concentrating. He distinctly recalled waking up one morning and spending a few minutes wondering when he had installed an empty office in his home before he could remember the truth of his situation.

Sam was told he was permitted in the courtyard and the dining area with the rest of the inmates, but it was at his own discretion. It turned out Sam’s discretion very much liked it right where it was, in the office. He spent almost all of his available free time there because he was, admittedly, uneasy with the idea of being in the general population. He would chalk that up to the fact that he nursed a damaged wing and his senses were dulled from the swollen eyes and the likely concussion, but secretly he knew that even at a hundred percent, he was not going to have any idea how to acquit himself against hardened criminals. Sam had no interest in having to join a gang for survival, or whatever it was that convicts had to do. Sam was content to look out the bulletproof glass window in his quasi-cell to scan the courtyard for Barry, though he never saw any sight of him.

There was a pounding at the door, and Sam turned to the clock on the wall. Six-thirty in the evening; dinner had arrived. A large, dark-toned man entered the room after the knocking, and Sam instantly recognized him as Officer Clarke. Sam breathed a sigh of relief; of all the guards and staff he’d come across yet, Clarke was easily the nicest and most willing to treat Sam like a human being and not as though he were guilty-on-arrival.

“Slop’s up, Stark!” Clarke announced in his cave-deep voice that reverberated off the office walls.

“Green or brown slop today, Officer Clarke?” Sam grimaced at the sound of his own voice, which must have come across as though he were only using the back of his tongue to speak.

The guard smiled and looked down. “Pasta and fish sticks. So a little red and a little brown, I guess.”

“Pasta and fish sticks? You guys really have to quit hiring ten-year-olds as your menu staff.”

Clarke’s laugh started off with a wheeze that sounded like his soul was being sucked from him, but it quickly turned into an engaged belly laugh. “You know, tomorrow I’m going to give you the chicken nuggets that are shaped like Pikachus.”

Sam threw his arms up at the elbows in mock surrender, causing only a slight twinge in his shoulder. “What I meant to say was: pasta and fish sticks? That is both genius and delicious!”

Officer Clarke let out another full-hearted laugh and slapped Sam’s good arm with the hand that wasn’t carrying his tray. Clarke was a solid head taller than Sam, and either of his arms was more solid than Sam’s thighs. The day Sam had arrived at the prison, he slapped Sam right in his separated shoulder, sending him face-first to the ground, shrieking in agony. It was not Sam’s most dignified moment, but Clarke felt awful about it afterwards. He’d been careful during each interaction since then to only go after Sam’s right arm. Still, a few more playful slaps from Clarke, and Sam knew he might be nursing two separated shoulders.

“So do I get to see an attorney of any sort today?”

Clarke shook his head. “You know you don’t have to see no attorney, Stark. You’re not an inmate or a prisoner. You’re—“

“A person of insight and interest?”

Clarke stood tall and straightened out his chest like a cartoon character. “I was going to say you’re a guest.”

“Well then pack up my bags and call me a taxi, bellhop. I think I’ll be checking out.”

“I guess you’re not a very valued guest.”

“So I’m not a prisoner—I’m not even ‘under arrest’, as it were--I just can’t leave prison?”

“Not my decision, Stark.”

Sam huffed, eliciting a whistling from his nostrils . He was frustrated with the situation, and it was possible that Clarke was getting upset at Sam’s constant questioning of it. Arguing the semantics of his exact status was not going to work—it wasn’t like Clarke had the power to just release him because he pestered the guard a lot about it—so Sam decided to change the subject.

“Any news on Barry?”

“No, and I tell you, if there was, I’d know. Everybody’d know.”

Sam nodded. Officer Clarke had explained a previous time to Sam that Barry’s arrest was a major news break. Everyone wanted the story, but the authorities were keeping a very tight lid on the situation. All Clarke knew was wherever the Veilstone police took Barry, it wasn’t there to Solaceon Prison. According to Clarke, that made little sense; the Veilstone Penitentiary was the largest in the county, and most prisoners in the area were transported and held there. With its current state of disrepair, Solaceon was the only quality substitute in the surrounding area. If Barry had not been brought there, he had no clue as to where he’d be held.

“Are you there, Clarke? Are you with Stark? (Hey, that rhymed).”

Clarke shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose at the awful joke that came from his shoulder comm. He moved a finger to his lips to advise Sam to be quiet as he reached across his body with his other arm to press the button on the comm. “Yeah, I just got here with his meal. What’s up?”

“Tell him he has a visitor.”

Sam was hit so hard by the words that he almost had to take a step back to steady himself. He had not had a visitor yet in his four days in Solaceon. He raised an eyebrow at Clarke, who could only shrug back.

“All right, I’ll let him know.”

For as much as Sam was initially surprised at the words, he quickly realized there were only two options: either Professor Rowan had come to possibly scold Sam for letting Barry get arrested and accused of terrorism, or Mr. Alonzo was there as yet another goodwill gesture to Sam. Either way, Sam was hesitant to even acknowledge one of his two least favorite people. But still… there was a chance it could be Barry. It was eminently possible that Rowan had gotten Barry released, and now Barry was coming to do the same for him. With that possibility in mind, he motioned toward the door for Clarke to unlock it.

As Clarke escorted him to the visitation ward, Sam passed several groups of inmates milling about in the middle of the day. Sam heard quite a few derogatory comments hurled his way, as well as at least one prisoner musing quite loudly and openly, “Guy blows up a prison and he gets to walk about like he owns this place. If that happened to me, no one’d ever hear from me again, I can tell you that”. Sam shook his head and did his best to ignore them, and Clarke positioned himself next to Sam between him and the inmates. Sam appreciated the attempt to keep him secure, but it was not going to win him any credit from the convicts as long as he was a guest of the institution. What would he have to do if Clarke was not around? His head hurt, and for the first time, he knew it was not related to the concussion.

Clarke passed his badge through a device that looked to Sam like a credit card reader on the frame of a large, steel door. The guard did not enter with Sam, but slapped him on the back and said “Number four”. Sam looked left and then right to ascertain the direction in which the booths were numbered before turning right to find number four. He passed other inmates talking to their visitors through more bullet-proof glass; apparently Sam’s stature as a person of whatever was not so special that he would get to see his visitors in a different manner than the convicts.

Sam positioned himself in booth four, but could only sigh and shake his head when he saw the face through the glass looking back at him. As far as surprises went, it was not a great one.

“I was really hoping this wasn’t true,” Mr. Alonzo said, his lower lip lifted.

“What wasn’t true?” Sam mustered all his nerve to not sound as broken when he spoke this time.

“That Rowan and Mr. West had just left you here to rot as their own personal fall guy. You deserve better, Mr. Stark.”

Sam pushed himself up from his seat. “Great, yeah. Good talk. I’m leaving now.”

“Barry’s free, you know.”

Sam froze and narrowed his eyes at Henrique. “Free of what?”

“It just happened today. Rowan had Barry pardoned by the Prime Minister. It’s going to be a very big deal tonight at Rowan’s press conference; I’m told the Minister demanded the professor step down from his position in exchange for the pardon. This whole ordeal has been frightfully embarrassing to his position.”

“And you know all this… how?”

“I, of course, have an Order of Protection against Mr. West, so I had to be informed right away that he was going to be released out of custody. For my own safety, obviously.”

“Obviously.” Sam felt his upper lip curl as he said the word.

“And I do have friends in the government who keep me apprised of such situations.”

“So I’m just supposed to take your word for it that this all happened and no one thought to tell me?”

Mr. Alonzo nodded slowly and tilted his eyes down. “I understand your frustration, Mr. Stark. I’m not asking that you take my word for it; you merely have to wait until the news conference tonight. I’m sure someone here will let you watch it, or at least tell you about it. You will see. Barry has been released into professor…,” Alonzo snorted a small burst of air through his nostrils and placed a hand over his mouth, “I’m sorry, Mr. Rowan’s custody, and Rowan has stepped down in exchange.”

“You’re—“

Mr. Alonzo interrupted him, “Of course, I’m fairly certain you can’t just let a suspected terrorist go free, so how would they get around that? By saying that Mr. West was not actually the threat; by saying he was under the influence of someone more dangerous. An older friend, perhaps? A foreigner with no love or respect for the land of Sinnoh? Maybe someone who was at the scene of an attack on a national artifact such as the Celestic Ruins?”

Sam sat back deep in his seat. “What are you threatening me with, exactly?”

“No, no. No threat, Mr. Stark,” Henrique shook his head. “Quite the opposite. I am in the position of being able to secure your release. I’m the one who made the initial accusations against Mr. West and how you were taken hostage. I can vouch for you and your honor in the face of Mr. Rowan’s incriminations.”

It was all too implausible; Barry would never stand for it, if nothing else. Even if Rowan had pulled such a maneuver and had the blame shifted to Sam, Barry would deny it at every turn. Regardless of what kind of man Rowan was, Barry respected Sam and had a greater sense of honor. It just didn’t shake out.

Mr. Alonzo leaned close to the glass that separated them. “You and I are so alike, Sam. Let me get you out of here, and I’ll introduce you to someone special to me. It’s my brother, Mr. Stark. I would… I have done everything for him, just like you would for yours. I want you to see the kind of person I am; family means as much to me as it does to you. Just like you, that’s why I’m here. I—“

“No dice. We’re done here.”

“But—“

“No, Mr. Alonzo. Am I going to be here for the rest of my life?” Sam shrugged. “Maybe. I can totally see Rowan doing that to get his own way. But you know what? That’s a chance I’m going to have to take. Good luck with your whole,” Sam paused and motioned wildly in the air with his hands as much as his sling allowed him, “thing”.

Sam got up from his chair, stole one last glance at Henrique’s face—eyes narrowed, mouth open, brow wrinkled—and walked back to the door Officer Clarke was guarding.

Mr. Alonzo must have thought suddenly playing the sibling card would evoke a sense of fraternity in Sam, but in truth, it was the worst move he could have made. Sam immediately thought of Tommy at his words, and it was like he could hear his brother’s voice guiding him. Sam knew that his brother would want him to stand by his friend, just as he was sure Tommy would find Henrique Alonzo to be an obnoxious windbag. And as Sam had always relied on Tommy to do right by him, he knew would rely on Barry for the same. That was what Tommy would want for him, and it was what Sam would do. Mr. Alonzo was too late in the game to make that play.

Sam could not help but focus on Alonzo’s words, though. Had Rowan really stepped down to have Barry spared and save his office the shame of it all? Had he really shifted the blame to Sam? Mr. Alonzo was a snake, but this was not a compelling long-term lie. If there was no newscast that evening, Sam would know it was a deception. There must have been some truth to it, Sam knew. But if that was the case, he couldn’t help but wonder why he was still locked up and had not heard anything from Barry or Rowan.

“Look,” Clarke’s volcano voice startled Sam out of his concentration, “I don’t mean to tell you your business or whatever, but that dude? He’s a shady creep.”

Sam pushed a hand against his own chest. “That’s my uncle you’re talking about!”

“For real?”

“No, he’s a shady creep. How do you know him?”

“I checked the records while you were in there and saw who it was. Saw him on the news for a couple’a days in a row a few weeks back. Just gives off a creepy vibe, like the guy sweats grease or something, you know? He was on there talking about you, actually, now that I think about it. The whole kidnapping thing. He’s also the guy who warned everyone there’d be an attack on Veilstone, but he thought that West kid would go after the Strip, not the prison. So bang up job on that one, shady.”

“What?”

“Yeah, a few days before the whole prison thing, Mr. Alonzo was back on all the news reports saying you—well, that Barry kid, I guess, not you—called into his office and was threatening to attack people on the Veilstone Strip. But, like I said, it was the prison that got attacked, and that ain’t nowhere near the Strip.”

Sam was still recoiling and trying to reason together the news that Clarke had just dropped into his lap when the guard’s comm buzzed again. “Hey, I don’t know if this Stark kid thinks he’s a celebrity today or what, but he’s got another visitor.”

“Oh now what?” Sam growled aloud. He had enough to think about without the distraction. Just as Sam had previously, correctly, suspected his visitor of being Henrique, he had an idea that this visitor was the other Alonzo brother. Henrique was going to shove the brother in Sam’s face whether Sam wanted to deal with it or not. Maybe it was for the best, though; maybe he could get some answers from him.

Clarke laughed aloud as the pair of them turned in place and headed back to the visitation ward. The guard took to his whistling to himself while Sam rearranged the puzzle pieces in his mind and tried to make sense of everything. It was hardly an easy chore, even the most basic thoughts felt like they had to fight through a fog in Sam’s mind those last few days. Before he knew it, however, they were back at the steel door.

“I hope this one’s a little better for you.”

Sam grunted noncommittally and slowed his pace as he approached booth four. He certainly did not want to give Mr. Alonzo or his brother the sense that he was eager to see either of them, even if he did have more questions for them than his mind could hold.

Sam sat down in booth four and looked at the face through the glass. The warmth fled his body in an instant.

“Man, I take a little bit of a nap in the hospital, and you go and get yourself arrested halfway across the world. What am I going to do with you, Sammy?”

[diamondpearl876]

He was even allowed to keep Bree, Vlam, and Chispa’s balls on him, though their release chip had been removed and was held in custody elsewhere in the prison.

I was about to say… Can’t he just use them to break out? But they can’t be released. It’s like keeping pokémon in prison, too, even though they didn’t do anything. Sad and cute at the same time.

He imagined the scream he had uttered at that moment still echoed across Mount Coronet, and should be making its way back home to Johto in about three weeks’ time

Actually lol’d at this. I love Sam. Just saying.

“Pasta and fish sticks? You guys really have to quit hiring ten-year-olds as your menu staff.”

Wow, I wouldn’t complain about this at all!

Clarke’s laugh started off with a wheeze that sounded like his soul was being sucked from him, but it quickly turned into an engaged belly laugh.

Wow, I always thought my laugh sounded like this… So weird to have it described by someone else… I’m not sure how I feel about you right now…

“You know, tomorrow I’m going to give you the chicken nuggets that are shaped like Pikachus.”

EVEN BETTER!!! Send me to this jail right now.

Clarke stood tall and straightened out his chest like a cartoon character. “I was going to say you’re a guest.”

“Well then pack up my bags and call me a taxi, bellhop. I think I’ll be checking out.”

But this place sounds so awesome.

Sam huffed, eliciting a whistling from his nostrils .

Misplaced period.

“Are you there, Clarke? Are you with Stark? (Hey, that rhymed).”

Not sure how I feel about parenthesis in dialogue. Interesting. I think it fits better in prose, but not here. Either way, the period should be inside the parenthesis if you keep it this way.

Sam heard quite a few derogatory comments hurled his way, as well as at least one prisoner musing quite loudly and openly, “Guy blows up a prison and he gets to walk about like he owns this place. If that happened to me, no one’d ever hear from me again, I can tell you that”.

Misplaced quotation mark at the end there
Also, it’s just like people to be talkin’ **** just because they don’t like their own situation. Very realistic.

Mr. Alonzo must have thought suddenly playing the sibling card would evoke a sense of fraternity in Sam, but in truth, it was the worst move he could have made. Sam immediately thought of Tommy at his words, and it was like he could hear his brother’s voice guiding him. Sam knew that his brother would want him to stand by his friend, just as he was sure Tommy would find Henrique Alonzo to be an obnoxious windbag. And as Sam had always relied on Tommy to do right by him, he knew would rely on Barry for the same. That was what Tommy would want for him, and it was what Sam would do. Mr. Alonzo was too late in the game to make that play.

Liked this paragraph a lot. It really shows how Sam is dedicated to his friends and his brother. Even though he may be in jail forever, he still trusts and follows them. Nice.

If there was no newscast that evening, Sam would not it was a deception. There must have been some truth to it, Sam knew.

Think you meant “know” not “not”.

Sam pushed a hand against his own chest. “That’s my uncle you’re talking about!”

“For real?”

“No, he’s a shady creep. How do you know him?”

LOL. So random.

“Man, I take a little bit of a nap in the hospital, and you go and get yourself arrested halfway across the world. What am I going to do with you, Sammy?”

Please tell me that’s Barry!!!

Anyway, interesting chapter. I liked the effects of the arrest that you made Sam have, including the concussion, description of psych eval, and so on. Made the whole thing more realistic. I’m also still torn about whether or not Mr. Alonzo is someone to be trusted or not. I do hope that gets cleared up. And omg barry pls be there!!!!!!!! Next chapter now please.

[Ememew]

Chapter 21

He was even allowed to keep Bree, Vlam, and Chispa’s balls on him, though their release chip had been removed and was held in custody elsewhere in the prison.

Removable “release chips” huh? There’s an idea I honestly would not have thought of before. Interesting.

In addition to the nose, the overzealous officers had separated the shoulder of his non-dominant arm, but that was easily—and completely unpleasantly—popped back into place by the prison medical staff. He imagined the scream he had uttered at that moment still echoed across Mount Coronet, and should be making its way back home to Johto in about three weeks’ time.

I wonder if dislocated might work better than separated, but the description of his scream is wonderful.

Sam was told he was permitted in the courtyard and the dining area with the rest of the inmates, but it was at his own discretion. It turned out Sam’s discretion very much liked it right where it was, in the office.

Another good line here.

Clarke’s laugh started off with a wheeze that sounded like his soul was being sucked from him, but it quickly turned into an engaged belly laugh. “You know, tomorrow I’m going to give you the chicken nuggets that are shaped like Pikachus.”

I’m used to most pokémon names being the same whether they’re singular or plural, but I suppose this is as easily debatable as the capitalization of pokémon species and move names.

All Clarke knew was wherever to Veilstone police took Barry, it wasn’t there to Solaceon Prison.

Looks like that “to” should be “the.”

“Are you there, Clarke? Are you with Stark? (Hey, that rhymed).”

I’m not sure about the grammar rules for parentheses in dialogue, but I think I agree with diamondpearl876 that they seemed a little out of place when I read this part.

For as much as Sam was initially surprised at the words, he quickly realized there were only two options: either Professor Rowan had come to possibly scold Sam for letting Barry get arrested and accused of terrorism, or Mr. Alonzo was there as yet another goodwill gesture to Sam.

And my guess about which of those two options it would be turned out to be right.

“It just happened today. Rowan had Barry pardoned by the Prime Minister. It’s going to be a very big deal tonight at Rowan’s press conference; I’m told the Minister demanded the professor step down from his position in exchange for the pardon. This whole ordeal has been frightfully embarrassing to his position.”

Hmmm . . . I would imagine this might have interesting implications in the future.

Mr. Alonzo nodded slowly and tilted his eyes down. “I understand your frustration, Mr. Stark. I’m not asking that you take my word for it; you merely have to wait until the news conference tonight. I’m sure someone here will let you watch it, or at least tell you about it. You will see. Barry has been released into professor…,” Alonzo snorted a small burst of air through his nostrils and placed a hand over his mouth, “I’m sorry, Mr. Rowan’s custody, and Rowan has stepped down in exchange.”

Should professor be capitalized here, since Alonzo’s using it as Rowan’s title (even if he doesn’t complete the name)?

Sam sat back deep in his seat. “What are you threatening me with, exactly?”

“No, no. No threat, Mr. Stark,” Henrique shook his head. “Quite the opposite. I am in the position of being able to secure your release. I’m the one who made the initial accusations against Mr. West and how you were taken hostage. I can vouch for you and your honor in the face of Mr. Rowan’s incriminations.”

It was all too implausible; Barry would never stand for it, if nothing else. Even if Rowan had pulled such a maneuver and had the blame shifted to Sam, Barry would deny it at every turn. Regardless of what kind of man Rowan was, Barry respected Sam and had a greater sense of honor. It just didn’t shake out.

I have to agree with Sam’s reasoning here.

“Look,” Clarke’s volcano voice startled Sam out of his concentration, “I don’t mean to tell you your business or whatever, but that dude? He’s a shady creep.”

Sam pushed a hand against his own chest. “That’s my uncle you’re talking about!”

“For real?”

“No, he’s a shady creep. How do you know him?”

This part got me chuckling, too. You’re good with knowing when to add humor after a serious scene so it sounds like a natural way to defuse tension rather than like a distraction. *starts taking notes*

“I checked the records while you were in there and saw who it was. Saw him on the news for a couple’a days in a row a few weeks back. Just gives off a creepy vibe, like the guy sweats grease or something, you know? He was on there talking about you, actually, now that I think about it. The whole kidnapping thing. He’s also the guy who warned everyone there’d be an attack on Veilstone, but he thought that West kid would go after the Strip, not the prison. So bang up job on that one, shady.”

“What?”

“Yeah, a few days before the whole prison thing, Mr. Alonzo was back on all the news reports saying you—well, that Barry kid, I guess, not you—called into his office and was threatening to attack people on the Veilstone Strip. But, like I said, it was the prison that got attacked, and that ain’t nowhere near the Strip.”

Something tells me this will be important later.

Sam sat down in booth four and looked at the face through the glass. The warmth fled his body in an instant.

“Man, I take a little bit of a nap in the hospital, and you go and get yourself arrested halfway across the world. What am I going to do with you, Sammy?”

I can honestly say that out of all the possibilities I thought of, this wasn’t one of them. You may or may not like writing cliffhangers, but this is one of your best. So much speculation right now . . . is that where the legends went to after they left Celestic? Is this really him?

[diamondpearl876]

After reading Emewew's thing, it JUST hit me now that the visitor could be Tommy. WOW. I think I hate you/me/the three legends/I don't even know.

[Sid87]

I was about to say… Can’t he just use them to break out? But they can’t be released. It’s like keeping pokémon in prison, too, even though they didn’t do anything. Sad and cute at the same time.

I know... I miss the friends, and I wish I could have written them with Sam; it was just too implausible.

Wow, I always thought my laugh sounded like this… So weird to have it described by someone else… I’m not sure how I feel about you right now…

If you sound like the laugh in my head... that's pretty crazy! I would imagine you don't sound QUITE like that.

EVEN BETTER!!! Send me to this jail right now.

LOL

Not sure how I feel about parenthesis in dialogue. Interesting. I think it fits better in prose, but not here. Either way, the period should be inside the parenthesis if you keep it this way.

I was going for a personal aside. Like someone say something, and then a thought hits them and they just muse a bit aloud. Eh, maybe that's just me. I'll keep it in mind.

Liked this paragraph a lot. It really shows how Sam is dedicated to his friends and his brother. Even though he may be in jail forever, he still trusts and follows them. Nice.

I was greatly afraid that this line was all tell and no show, so I'm happy it resonated. I almost butchered it in editing to stop from basically narrating away the suspense.

Anyway, interesting chapter. I liked the effects of the arrest that you made Sam have, including the concussion, description of psych eval, and so on. Made the whole thing more realistic. I’m also still torn about whether or not Mr. Alonzo is someone to be trusted or not. I do hope that gets cleared up. And omg barry pls be there!!!!!!!! Next chapter now please.

Nope. Not Barry. But I'm glad you enjoyed the descriptions. Every time I edited, I went more all-out on describing his injuries, and I had hoped I did not go too far by the time I was done. I wanted them to resound with the reader and cause some sympathy pains.

Removable “release chips” huh? There’s an idea I honestly would not have thought of before. Interesting.

It made sense to me. Everything has removable parts in higher-end tech because it's all so specialized. Pokeball tech would have to be absurdly so.

I wonder if dislocated might work better than separated, but the description of his scream is wonderful.

I looked up the difference between a separated and dislocated shoulder because I was not entirely aware. Turns out, based on my own description of Sam's injury in ch20, that you are correct. His shoulder would diagnostically be dislocated, not separated.

I’m used to most pokémon names being the same whether they’re singular or plural, but I suppose this is as easily debatable as the capitalization of pokémon species and move names.

I tend to think it would/could vary by the species. Like multiple deer are "deer", but multiple cat is "cats". But, like you said, it's debatable. And, either way, I could just say Clarke was being colloquial there.

Should professor be capitalized here, since Alonzo’s using it as Rowan’s title (even if he doesn’t complete the name)?

I am just bad on consistently remembering to capitalize that. I did it at least one other time I can think of (where "professor" was used as an address of Rowan). I should work on that.

This part got me chuckling, too. You’re good with knowing when to add humor after a serious scene so it sounds like a natural way to defuse tension rather than like a distraction. *starts taking notes*

Thank you!

Something tells me this will be important later.

Yep.

I can honestly say that out of all the possibilities I thought of, this wasn’t one of them. You may or may not like writing cliffhangers, but this is one of your best. So much speculation right now . . . is that where the legends went to after they left Celestic? Is this really him?

You'll find out!

Thanks for the comments, as always!

[Skiyomi]

Just read chapters 15 and 16...

Chapter 15 Notes:

You start out with some great descriptions here right from the get-go.

For all Sam knew, they were planning what the best way to cook him was (Sam immediately scolded himself for the potentially racist thought that all Hoennese were barbaric cannibals; still, he could not help but think they were discussing things that had to do with him, even if he knew that was just paranoia).

I think the idea of being uncomfortable not understanding the language people are speaking around you is pretty relatable, but this whole cannibal thing kinda caught me off-guard. It just feels kind of… off to me. Like, what makes Sam go there automatically instead of just thinking that they’re talking smack about him behind his back?

Then again, I suppose that’s perhaps to build up the fact that Sam is coming off kinda… racist. I mean, what with mocking their Kantoan and all and generally looking down on them.

He’d seen enough horror movies growing up to immediately think that this was the kind of place where strangers got chained up in leaky basements and tortured by people who made boots out of human flesh.

Love the idea that this would occur to him, and it comes across very well.

Yes, because clearly the place we want to be is a dark mystery cave in the middle of Jason Vorhees-ville, his own brain mocked him.

I have tried and failed to think up a pun for the Pokemon equivalent of Jason Vorhees. But somehow I don’t want to give up…

Sam thought maybe they were as primitive as bears and were as scared of him as he was of them. With that thought, he straightened his back to add to his posture since he read once that if confronted by a bear, you are supposed to make yourself look larger.

Wow. Sam’s really coming across as xenophobic in this chapter…

Her partner was significantly younger, and Sam found her to be one of the most attractive young women he had ever laid eyes on. Her wavy blonde hair hung just below her waist, and she was dressed in all black: black pants, a black blouse, and a black, fur-rimmed jacket. Her features were soft, and she was probably right around Sam’s age, if not maybe a year or two younger. Sam found that seeing her before him was the most pleasant thing Sinnoh had given him yet.

I kinda wish his attraction to her wasn’t so obvious. But that’s partly because I think dealing with subconscious desire is always fun as a writer.

“Young man, we will stop you from entering that cave if we have to.”

“Gram, we don’t know yet--”

“You know why they’re here, Cynthia. Don’t defend them.”

I wish there was more movement amongst a lot of this dialogue. I know you have your reasons for doing this and your preferences, as you pointed out in response to my review of Requiem. I have no desire to start a death battle or anything, but as a reviewer I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t problematic for me. When this happens, it starts to read like a screenplay—which, to my mind, is not using the strengths of your medium. If you were doing some highly minimalistic and highly objective piece, I’d probably let it slide as a matter of style (though, honestly, I probably wouldn’t be reading it in the first place either if that were the case), but as it is, the rest of your writing is descriptive and often emotive, so going minimalist on the text doesn’t really match it. There’s an argument here and it feels weird to me that there isn’t movement or inflection. It saps the characters of their physical presence.

“They weren’t supposed to do anything like that!” Sam shouted over the squeal in his eardrums.

Oh, big, damn surprise, Sam.

Chapter 16 Notes:

Hmmm. Ominous phone call there from Professor Rowan.

If the professor was not going to be helpful, why couldn’t he just leave Sam alone?

Oh yes, Sam. Because it’s really all about your problems, ain’t it?

“I’m going to get you guys back home, I promise,” Sam pointed out to the fiery monkey, “I just need to find the opportunity. I’m not sure Barry would love seeing me right now.” Monferno grinned and clapped his hands together, and Sam could only assume he was just happy to hear his trainer’s name.

*ears prick up at the prospect of a Barry return*

You mentioned this chapter feeling short to you. I’m not sure if I feel the same way. Sure, it objectively is shorter than your last chapter, but it doesn’t feel particularly short to me because it is not very action packed. It feels like this is mostly set-up. Then again, there’s not always much you can do about that. Sometimes you just need set-up—and I know sometimes to keep the chapter consistent with itself you can’t always just cut to the chase.

Good stuff in this batch in general. A lot of good lines and descriptions stand out.

[Sid87]

I think the idea of being uncomfortable not understanding the language people are speaking around you is pretty relatable, but this whole cannibal thing kinda caught me off-guard. It just feels kind of… off to me. Like, what makes Sam go there automatically instead of just thinking that they’re talking smack about him behind his back?
Then again, I suppose that’s perhaps to build up the fact that Sam is coming off kinda… racist. I mean, what with mocking their Kantoan and all and generally looking down on them.

This was kind of intentional, as it was really the peak of my making Sam unlikable and bitter and angry. That chapter was the crescendo of that, and it was supposed to start heading back down when the legends appeared. I don't think he GENUINELY thought they were plotting to eat him; it was just hyperbole.

I kinda wish his attraction to her wasn’t so obvious. But that’s partly because I think dealing with subconscious desire is always fun as a writer.

There's nothing that's ever going to come of Sam and Cynthia, so I just thought it'd be a nice touch to add to show his relatively immaturity and lack of experience. I hope that I would be a little better if it was going to go anywhere, but... it's not.

I wish there was more movement amongst a lot of this dialogue. I know you have your reasons for doing this and your preferences, as you pointed out in response to my review of Requiem. I have no desire to start a death battle or anything, but as a reviewer I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t problematic for me. When this happens, it starts to read like a screenplay—which, to my mind, is not using the strengths of your medium. If you were doing some highly minimalistic and highly objective piece, I’d probably let it slide as a matter of style (though, honestly, I probably wouldn’t be reading it in the first place either if that were the case), but as it is, the rest of your writing is descriptive and often emotive, so going minimalist on the text doesn’t really match it. There’s an argument here and it feels weird to me that there isn’t movement or inflection. It saps the characters of their physical presence.

I think this is just a preference matter we could go back-and-forth on forever. I really just think shoehorning in tags after too much dialogue really slows the argument down and takes the energy out of it. I like the quick-hit, snappy, back-and-forth because I feel it is more impactful and flows more like a genuine argument. I think it comes from reading comics growing up and seeing just dialogue without actions... it made the dialogue feel more "live" to me. I will watch out for not making actions and purposes as clear as it needs to be by leaving out tags.

You mentioned this chapter feeling short to you. I’m not sure if I feel the same way. Sure, it objectively is shorter than your last chapter, but it doesn’t feel particularly short to me because it is not very action packed. It feels like this is mostly set-up. Then again, there’s not always much you can do about that. Sometimes you just need set-up—and I know sometimes to keep the chapter consistent with itself you can’t always just cut to the chase.

Good stuff in this batch in general. A lot of good lines and descriptions stand out.

Thanks for your time and thoughts! I really will look more closely at some of my dialogue going forward and take your thoughts to heart. It's not my flavor so much, but you grow by incorporating different ideas.

I worry my chapters have a LOT of set-up these days and not enough action. But I'm glad it struck a good balance with you!

[Knightfall]

I am so sorry for the delay, but here I am. I hope you can forgive my tardiness.

It had been four days since the incident in Veilstone City. Sam had not heard from Barry at any point in those four days, and no one would answer his questions about where his partner was.

Well, this chapter is starting out perfectly.

He was apparently deemed “a person of insight and interest”, whatever that meant, though it most certainly did mean that he was kept detained.

That’s certainly a way to bend the rules to keep him detained for that long, either that or Sinnoh doesn’t have laws concerning that sort of thing, especially when it comes to eco-terrorists.

He was even allowed to keep Bree, Vlam, and Chispa’s balls on him, though their release chip had been removed and was held in custody elsewhere in the prison. Even having deactivated pokeballs in an inmate’s possession is met with harsh penalties, Sam had always heard, but at least he was permitted to know where his friends were.

That’s an interesting take on how Pokeballs work. I honestly haven’t seen that before, using release chips. Hmm, I wonder, does a specific release chip work with only one ball? Or are they interchangeable? This has no plot relevance, but I just want to know.

While being registered at the prison, Sam had a police captain tell him, in a very official manner, that they were sorry about their overzealous behavior in the detainment of a life-threatening, fleeing terrorist. So, all in all, it was an apology that was not actually an apology, Sam thought bitterly.

Hehe, “overzealous” is a way to put it.

If the shrink that had been doing his evaluation had asked Sam to repeat himself one more time, Sam knew he would have lunged over the table at the poor guy, and that would likely have resulted in his failing the exam.

I would have loved to see Sam during that evaluation. I am loving his sarcastic thoughts during this scene. I’d point more of them out, but I wouldn’t want to quote so many lines.

Sam heard quite a few derogatory comments hurled his way, as well as at least one prisoner musing quite loudly and openly, “Guy blows up a prison and he gets to walk about like he owns this place. If that happened to me, no one’d ever hear from me again, I can tell you that”.

Heh, I wondered what the other inmates were thinking of Sam’s special treatment at the prison. I love little details like that. You really know how to make the world of this story seem “real” in a sense.

“That Rowan and Mr. West had just left you here to rot as their own personal fall guy. You deserve better, Mr. Stark.”

Sam pushed himself up from his seat. “Great, yeah. Good talk. I’m leaving now.”

Even though Mr. Alonzo has proven he can’t be trusted, he does have a point: Rowan hasn’t contacted Sam at all.

“It just happened today. Rowan had Barry pardoned by the Prime Minister. It’s going to be a very big deal tonight at Rowan’s press conference; I’m told the Minister demanded the professor step down from his position in exchange for the pardon. This whole ordeal has been frightfully embarrassing to his position.”

Wow, that’s an interesting development. It can’t have been that easy, I mean, the entire nation believes Barry is a terrorist. Even with Rowan’s urging, Barry would still be under heavy supervision. There’s no way they’d let him go completely.

Mr. Alonzo interrupted him, “Of course, I’m fairly certain you can’t just let a suspected terrorist go free, so how would they get around that? By saying that Mr. West was not actually the threat; by saying he was under the influence of someone more dangerous. An older friend, perhaps? A foreigner with no love or respect for the land of Sinnoh? Maybe someone who was at the scene of an attack on a national artifact such as the Celestic Ruins?”

Ohh, that’s how. Hmm, that’s a dirty card to play on Rowan’s part, if this is true. Alonzo hasn’t proven himself to be completely honest, so I’m not sure what to believe.

It was all too implausible; Barry would never stand for it, if nothing else. Even if Rowan had pulled such a maneuver and had the blame shifted to Sam, Barry would deny it at every turn. Regardless of what kind of man Rowan was, Barry respected Sam and had a greater sense of honor. It just didn’t shake out.

And that leads into my next point. I’m certain that Barry, knowing him, wouldn’t let Sam take the blame. Unless Rowan is forcing him to keep silent, or has somehow coerced Barry to shut up.
Or, has turned Barry against Sam...

“No, Mr. Alonzo. Am I going to be here for the rest of my life?” Sam shrugged. “Maybe. I can totally see Rowan doing that to get his own way. But you know what? That’s a chance I’m going to have to take. Good luck with your whole,” Sam paused and motioned wildly in the air with his hands as much as his sling allowed him, “thing”.

Sam got up from his chair, stole one last glance at Henrique’s face—eyes narrowed, mouth open, brow wrinkled—and walked back to the door Officer Clarke was guarding.

Wow, that’s a powerful scene. The gravity of what Sam just did practically made Alonzo his enemy, even if he somehow wasn’t before. This solidifies it. Mr. Alonzo won’t stand for this, I know he won’t. He’ll do something that’s going to screw Sam over for good, though I’m not sure how things could get much worse for him right now.

Sam could not help but focus on Alonzo’s words, though. Had Rowan really stepped down to have Barry spared and save his office the shame of it all? Had he really shifted the blame to Sam? Mr. Alonzo was a snake, but this was not a compelling long-term lie. If there was no newscast that evening, Sam would know it was a deception. There must have been some truth to it, Sam knew. But if that was the case, he couldn’t help but wonder why he was still locked up and had not heard anything from Barry or Rowan.

Well, that pretty much sums up my feelings. I can Rowan doing something like that for Barry, but I don’t think he would have let Sam take the blame. Even though Sam’s relationship with the professor, excuse me, Mr. Rowan isn’t the best. I believe that the man has some respect for Sam.

Sam pushed a hand against his own chest. “That’s my uncle you’re talking about!”

“For real?”

“No, he’s a shady creep. How do you know him?”

And I thought we were done with the humorous dialogue for this chapter. I am pleasantly surprised.

“Yeah, a few days before the whole prison thing, Mr. Alonzo was back on all the news reports saying you—well, that Barry kid, I guess, not you—called into his office and was threatening to attack people on the Veilstone Strip. But, like I said, it was the prison that got attacked, and that ain’t nowhere near the Strip.”

Wait … What? This changes everything. In fact, I think that if my theory on who was freed from the prison is correct, then Alonzo might have been behind the attacks in the first place... His policy about acquiring legendary Pokemon seems right on track with Galactic’s.

“Man, I take a little bit of a nap in the hospital, and you go and get yourself arrested halfway across the world. What am I going to do with you, Sammy?”

And this is where I am excited beyond measure. Why? Why must you end the chapter here?! I want to know if my guess on who this person is is correct. Dang it, I want to read on!

So, congratulations on making yet another chapter that I’m begging to read beyond the cliffhanger. I really cannot wait to see the next chapter, and I hope it comes out soon (or maybe, I can wait a little while, it’ll be a little while until I get more time to write up another review. XD).

Excellent job, Sid. Excellent job. And, again, I’m sorry for the delay in this.

Knightfall signing off...

[Doryuzu]

Chapter 16

Sam's dialogue was pretty entertaining for me at some points this chapter. "spoiler alert--you lost." I did feel a bit bad for Carlos, he seemed pretty legit in the fact he was trying to help and not scare away the Lake Trio. I imagine his view of Sam isn't very friendly anymore due to the constant egging on, let's not forget before Carlos did joke with Sam with his "Do you yield." line. I think Yes, his anger was justified after being lied to by Barry and having Carlos and his crew screw up his attempts at getting the Lake Trio. He just came off as unlikable in that instance to me, I have a theory on that due to Sam's sarcastic, witty nature I found it a tad hard to really feel for him in that instance. I feel like we haven't really seen a dent in his armor due to his witty nature sorta overtaking him in a way, we haven't seen him in a true moment of intense weakness aside from his Tommy scenes.

On top of that, she had wrecking balls like a Garchomp and a Snorlax?

Nothing wrong with this line, I just really like how those two Pokemon are compared to wrecking balls here. :P

Nice characterization on Bree wanting to fight the likes of Garchomp, you linked it to Barry's Pokemon too which was a nice little moment. I wonder what the cryptic call from Professor Rowan was about, something involving Barry apparently. I have a feeling something big is gonna be revealed when they make it to the company.

everything in their native language sounded harsh and bitter. Getting a headache from their roaring voices, he opened the passenger side door.

By any chance is Hoennese based off Spanish or German? I like how you portray it stereo typically in such a realistic way. I mean, I scold myself for this, but we've all thought something of that similar way in real life at some point.

Regarding the Pokemon, I wonder when Chispa is actually going to be worth something. She seems to do nothing but do toddler-esque things all the time and doesn't seem any stronger or more mature than she was when Sam caught her. I kinda wonder what was the point in her being caught since she hasn't been of any use at all really, unlike Vlam and Bree who at least contributed to something story-wise with the former being the Pokemon of Sam's bro and the latter his own. Both have battled as well, Chispa's just sorta there to do cutesy stuff.

“Are you girls okay?”

Oh, yeah, that's right Sam's Pokemon are all girls. I almost forgot that.

I did not expect the reactions we got from Barry's Pokemon upon being released, I thought they would be an uproar from being away from their trainer. Unless they were unaware they were pretty much stolen. Overall, this was a solid chapter. I'll try to get another review in tomorrow.