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Thread: Brothers' Bond (PG-13)

  1. #151
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    Okay, I'm back. This is how busy I am these days; I'm struggling to find time to give shortened replies to comments. Oy!

    #5 SilentMemento: I think I might (or might not) have explained this better in a comment earlier, but the Barry thing is something else that might have been better in my head than in reality. In my head, between Barry's efforts and the PSC crew's water-types, no one died (it's not like they were helpless or Barry was the only person knocked off the ship by the wave), but Barry wasn't sticking around to patch them up, either. They all (probably, in Barry's best guess) had cell phones or radios to get help. He just wasn't super concerned about people who attacked them. So in my head, it's not awful. It's more of a "Did they die? No. Good, then screw'em". But I'll keep an eye out for that. I wouldn't say Sam necessarily TRUSTS Alonzo, but sees him as a means to an end. At least Alonzo is in the same chapter (if not the same page) as Sam. I actually have no idea who "Palmer" is. Must have missed some research there; oh well.

    The whole Cynthia thing is getting its own paragraph because a few people have thus far (rightfully) called me out on it: I realized, like, halfway through that fight that Cynthia's usage of Spiritomb was less than well-thought-out. But...I really wanted to write that Spiritomb scene. I have internally rationalized it a few ways: 1) I got a sense while writing Cynthia that she is a Son Goku-esque character. She lives for the battle and proving her strength. And, in that regard, she sometimes does things that seem counter-intuitive, or she stalls when she should be hurrying because she's caught up in the thrill of battle (*cough* Planet Namek). She sensed that Sam was a tough trainer, and she got lost in the battle. Also, as Prof Carolina pointed out, they assumed after a one-out match (when Chispa lost), that that'd be the end of it, so since Spiritomb is a winner, that's what she chose.

    But yeah, ultimately, it was my just really having a vivid image of that Spiritomb battle and wanting to use it. So yeah. My bad there, and I realized it. Thanks to everyone for holding me accountable!


    #6 Skiyomi: (First off, I'm going to read Out Of My League's new chapter SOMEDAY). Yeah...the "guilty" bit makes sense. I'll keep an eye out for stuff for that going forward. You're totally right about how the Canalave City cargo ship chapter should have ended. Dang. I wish I had thought of that. Oh well. A few readers at this point have had trouble picking up on the broken Kantoan of the PSC guys. I wonder why that is? I haven't wanted to make them sound TOO silly because that'd by a bit cartoonish, but as it is, some people are missing it. Hm.


    #7 Azurus: Oops! I'll have to add a link to chapter 16 later today! Thanks for letting me know!


    #8 Knightfall: I think it is amusing-ish that I am apparently contributing to a meme with the whole Sinnoh public transportation thing. That was mentioned earlier, too. I might have to check that story out and see what its take is. Glad you enjoyed the new chapter!


    ...All right, still not done. Sigh. I'll get to Ememew (there's a lot I want/need to address of yours, even beyond the Cynthia stuff I covered with SilentMem) and Chibi Pika later on. Whew. I think page 8 of this topic is going to be all replies and comments. Ugh!


    And I'm back!

    #9 Ememew: Abiword doesn't default double-hyphens to dashes...I don't know why. It means the same thing, though, so I am generally nonplussed about it. I'll have to see if maybe I can FORCE it somehow. As i mentioned earlier, my love of Sinnoh is possibly underdeveloped and under-researched in the sense that I don't remember Palmer at all. Drats. Might have just screwed that one up. I'll have to Google it later. Rowan COULD have just let Sam bring Tommy to the legends, but Rowan is extremely distrustful in regards to the legends and didn't know Sam from Adam when they mett. Obviously it's a decision all parties involved regret right now. When Sam last met Mr. Alonzo (prior to meeting at the match), Sam was kind of unstable and had just shown a proclivity towards violence. That's why I would think Alonzo was not bursting forth to give him a phone number to be friends. Brief note on the paramour thing: at my last job, I worked with individuals with intellectual/development disabilities. It was generally accepted to refer to their boyfriends and girlfriends as "paramours", so that's where I got the term. Certainly hadn't heard it used regarding a mistress, though! Maybe Rowan is getting some on the side As I mentioned previously in my first batch of replies, Sam isn't supposed to be particularly likable here. He's really gotten to the point where he distrusts EVERYONE and is only out for himself. He doesn't like Carlos much and sees no reason to sugar coat it; Carlos is just another means to an end as far as Sam is concerned. He needs to refind his conscience... Sam and Cynthia is not love at any sight, I promise. But she will be back, so I won't say too much. Chispa IS awesome, and I'm thrilled everyone likes her. To think, I regretted introducing her at first and thought I'd made a mistake. She is playing an important role, I think, even if nobody has [outwardly] noticed it. You bring up a point that comes up next chapter, and that's the logical assumption that Sam has actually expressed before: won't the legends just return to their homes? I think Sam is feeling mopey and despondent and borderline hopless here after having just been SO CLOSE, and that's why he doesn't IMMEDIATELY go to that, but...he gets there soon. I promise that wasn't just an oversight.


    I think this just leaves Chibi, and I'll get to you in a bit!


    #10 Chibi: I'll try to keep an eye on making all dialogue distinctive and using more tags when necessary. Sometimes my disdain of heavy use of dialogue tags gets the better of me. I've addressed the Cynthia stuff above. And thanks for continuing reading, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.


    All caught up! Now to get back to actual WRITING.
    Last edited by Sid87; 26th September 2012 at 6:55 PM.


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  2. #152
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    Chapter 17

    Sam, for as displeased as he was to have been back on the sea once again, was at least happy he’d made it through the ferry ride to Canalave without Barry’s Monferno tossing anybody overboard.

    The ferry had a prominently posted notice asking riders to keep their pokemon contained (“for their own safety and the safety of the rest of our guests”, the sign told Sam), but he found that he barely cared. Really, what were they going to do to him, he wondered; stop the ferry and insist he get off in the middle of the strait? As it was, Monferno and his own friends had been promised they’d get more time to relax, and Sam had no intention of taking any such time away from them. He heard some of the other passengers complain about their freedom when they thought Sam was out of earshot; he hardly cared about their annoyance. Sam thought of the words on the sign. Safety? He was not some child with his first friend and no idea how to manage it. He was a grown man who had been with pokemon his whole life. He’d just been deemed worthy by the legendary lake guardians. He’d stood up to Professor Rowan, Henrique Alonzo, and an army of doctors who told him there was nothing that could be done for his brother; the last thing he was going to do was let some damn sign on a boat boss him around.

    Carlos and the Phoenix Corporation crew were on the far end of the ferry. They refused to leave the cargo holding area because they did not trust the Sinnohans not to mess with their machinery. That was fine with Sam since any moment away from Sideburns was a minor victory in his book. Before Sam had ventured to the more scenic area of the ferry, he noticed that Carlos and his workers managed to look like a fine gang and not at all suspicious by surrounding their equipment and standing in front of it with their arms crossed.

    Upon deboarding, Sam found a bench in front of the ferry station and parked himself so that Carlos and the others could bark orders at the ferry workers on how to properly unload their equipment. Sam intended to just walk to the Phoenix Shipping Corporation building without the lot of them, but he was still feeling the effects of the ocean even after being back on solid ground, and he needed the moment to regain his composure. Obviously, having been tossed into the sea and almost drowning one of the last times he had been on a boat had done little for his seasickness. That was the more private and selfish reason he had no intention of stowing away his friends while on board; they provided him with at least a little distraction from the waves and the rocking of the boat.

    If any of his friends shared his displeasure of travel by water, there was no sign of it. Monferno was as chipper and energetic as every other time Sam had seen him; he panted in joy and bounded around Sam’s shoulders like the trainer was personal jungle gym. Bree seemed to be more resentful of Monferno’s keeping her from resting on her trainer than anything. She tried to buzz close to whichever side of Sam Monferno was not hogging, but as soon as Barry’s pokemon swung over to that side, she let out a sharp hum and fluttered away. Chispa had discovered rapture in watching the swaying of Vlam’s tails, and the eldest friend of the group seemed quietly content to amuse the cub with them. Sam breathed deep to help steady himself as he watched Chispa raise a jittery paw, unsure whether or not to swat at Vlam’s tail. A clubbing sensation to the back of the head knocked Sam forward and almost off of his bench; he turned to see Monferno waving an angry fist at his Butterfree.

    “Can’t you two calm down?” At Sam’s words, Monferno and Bree turned their attention to him. “You’re gonna concuss me if you don’t stop acting so jealous over each other.” Bree buzzed and stiffened her antennae out in Monferno’s direction. “I don’t care whose fault it was. I just don’t want to get banged in the head anymore. Behave!”

    Monferno hopped from the back of the bench to return to Sam’s shoulders where he began patting the back of the trainer’s head. Bree let out high-pitched hum and zipped over to her sisters. She settled onto Vlam's back and turned so that Sam could no longer see her face.

    “Seriously?”

    “Seriously what?”

    Sam’s head turned to follow the sound of the voice to his right and saw Carlos standing there. Sam rolled his eyes; he had hoped he was done with that guy for at least a while longer. “You guys got done fast enough.”

    “Not done. It should to be take a while for now. I came back to go with you to see Mr. Alonzo. He should know what happened.”

    Sam stood up from the bench, causing Vlam to rise to her feet next to him. This, in turn, caused a new annoyance for Bree as she tumbled on the Ninetales’ back before getting airborne. “Can’t wait.”

    Sam and Carlos walked together in the same manner as how they drove together: with barely a word between them. Carlos’ gait was slightly more determined than Sam’s was, which--when Sam thought about it--made little sense. Carlos should not have been in any more of a hurry to see Henrique than he was. If anything, he should have been dreading it more than Sam. He was the one who chased the trio away when they were so close. Perhaps Carlos just wanted to get it all over with, Sam thought. What was the worst that Mr. Alonzo could do? Fire Carlos, sure, but to Sam? He wasn’t sure. The worst case scenario seemed to be that he’d end up back at square one with no one to help him and no idea what to do.

    The Phoenix Shipping Corporation Sinnoh Division building was across the street from a gothic structure with large, stone monuments in front of it. One monument was simply a round globe. Another was of the mythical pokemon Mew. A third was of a rabbit-like character Sam remembered from a children’s book his mother read him. This was apparently the Canalave Library, Sinnoh’s national library. Sam could not help but wonder if this was coincidence or not. How long had the corporation had a headquarters in Sinnoh? Was it ordered here by Mr. Alonzo? If so, was it located here so that he’d have easy access to all the reference material he’d need on Sinnoh? Perhaps that was how he’d known so much about Celestic Town just from the brief description Sam gave him of a picture he’d seen, or even how he knew so much about the guardians to begin with. But to think that the president of an international company would erect a building across from a library just for research... Sam could not help but think that was a reach. Wasn’t it?

    “Are you coming?”

    Sam shook his head to rouse himself. He hadn’t realized he had gotten lost in his own mind while staring across the street at the Canalave Library. He nodded in affirmation to Carlos’ question and followed him through the glass revolving doors. He was careful to hold the doors in place as he and his friends entered and exited them; others trying to leave the building at that moment gave him a dirty look for upsetting the momentum of the doors, but the last thing Sam wanted was for Vlam to lose a tail in there.

    There was a corridor to the left of the receptionist’s desk that led to the elevators, according to a sign hung from the ceiling. Sam briefly considered giving the young, blonde, bespectacled clerk at the reception desk a sarcastic thanks for helping him reach Henrique earlier, but he immediately thought better of it. To the right of the reception area was a set of double glass doors that led to a conjoining café; the etching on the doors told Sam that it was called The Canalave Bistro. Carlos headed towards the elevators while digging in his right pants pocket, and Sam began following.

    As they passed a plain, metallic, grey door, Monferno bounced off of Sam’s back. The pokemon rushed to the door and began pawing at it.

    “What’s going on, buddy?” Sam asked as he approached the ape pokemon. Monferno turned to face him, but only momentarily; his attention was heavily focused on the door. Sam noticed a placard in the wall next to it that told him it was the stairs. “You really want some exercise, huh? I guess I did have you cooped up in your ball for a while. I don’t know if I have the energy to follow you up however many floors it is to Mr. Alonzo’s office.”

    Monferno ignored Sam and continued scratching at the door. In his insistence to get in, he was leaving scrapes in the paint.

    “All right, all right! Jeez. I’ll check, hold on.” Sam called out to Carlos, who was standing in the corridor and waiting for an elevator, “Hey, the monkey here really wants to run around on the stairs. Can we take these up to Mr. Alonzo’s office?”

    Carlos held out a tiny green stick. “No. We to need this key in a elevator to access the office.”

    Sam shrugged at Monferno. “Sorry, pal. I promise to run with you for a bit after we’re done here, okay? Get some of that energy out.”

    Monferno glanced towards the stairwell door again and let out a whimper. Seemingly very reluctant, he reached up a paw to take Sam’s hand. Despite his agreement to leave the stairs behind, the monkey huffed and whined as he walked with Sam to the elevator. Chispa seemed to be saddened by Monferno’s mood, and she rubbed her head against him as they walked. Bree, conversely, probably couldn’t have been happier; she bounced in the air next to Sam’s head and hummed cheerfully.

    Monferno’s head was still downturned as Sam watched the elevator doors close and Carlos slide his key into the control panel. After flipping the key to the right, he pressed the buttons for both the nineteenth and twentieth floors. Sam shook his head and crunched his brow.

    “Did you forget which floor your own boss is on?”

    “There is a floor between nineteen and twenty. It can not be to access without this key turning and pressing both of the buttons.” Carlos said it as simply as if he’d been reading a traffic report.

    “Your boss is on the nineteen-and-a-halfth floor?” Sam mused. “Yeah, that’s not shady at all. Tell me, is his doorknob also a skull?”

    “We can not let his office be accessible to anyone. Obviously. He likes to be in the middle of the building. He says it putting him in the middle of the business.”

    The elevator lurched upward, and Sam said nothing in return. It made sense, he imagined, but it still seemed weird. He turned his attention to his friends behind him. Vlam was trying to appear aloof by lying down and turning her head away, but he noticed she was wagging her tails near Monferno, most likely in an attempt to cheer him up. It didn’t seem to be having any effect, however; the ape continued standing still and looking down. The only sign of life from him was an occasional snort of breath. He was clearly having a child-like temper-tantrum.

    As the elevator passed the nineteenth floor, Sam felt his stomach rise in his gut; they were clearly slowing down suddenly. The control panel beeped three times, and the elevator stopped with both the lights for floors nineteen and twenty illuminated. The doors parted to reveal a completely mundane hallway that was not at all lined with torchlight and filled with laser security beams such as what Sam had fancied when he thought of the hidden floor. At the end of the short hall, he saw Mr. Henrique Alonzo through an open office door. He sat at a desk that was not made of Donphan ivory and wrote on paperwork with a pen that was apparently not a quill dipped in blood.

    “Mr. Stark, please come in.”

    Sam nodded; there was no more time to think about how the meeting would go. It was about to happen. He and Carlos passed through the open doorway, and each took one of the seats on the near side of Mr. Alonzo’s desk. Sam could not help but look beneath his seat; there did not appear to be a trap door. Sam almost could not help but feel disappointed at the nineteen-and-a-halfth floor’s lack of mystique.

    “I understand we had something of a mishap in Celestic, and the legends were lost to us.”

    Of course, Sam thought. There were more people there than just Carlos and himself. Anyone else in any of the other trucks could have called in the situation. Which meant that they got to put their own personal spin on it well before Sam had a chance to defend himself. He opened his mouth to do just that, but Henrque cut him off.

    “I was told that you were admirable in your efforts, but my crew got a little impetuous and frightened them off before you could finish.” Henrique rubbed his palms as if he were washing them. “Mr. Stark, I am exceedingly sorry about this. I promised you a crew to assist you, and instead, they impeded you. I understand if you’ll not be wanting to work with us going forward.”

    Sam choked out a noise through his gaping mouth. He had never imagined such a reaction from Henrique. It felt surreal. Perhaps there was yet some magic on the ninteen-and-a-halfth floor.

    “Your men did their best, Mr. Alonzo; I think they were just caught up in the heat of the moment and thought that I was about to be attacked.” Sam heard a sharp intake of breath from Carlos. “I don’t think anyone was really to blame.” He was not sure why he was defending those idiots when they had so terribly screwed everything up. Perhaps it was the thought that one of them took enough responsibility for his own actions that he reported the truth to his boss. Perhaps because he felt caught up in whatever kind of game Henrique Alonzo might have been playing. “I certainly don’t hold any of them accountable.”

    Carlos shifted in his seat and scratched his nose.

    “Were your men out-of-line, Mr. Morales?”

    “No, Mr. Alonzo. It is,” Carlos stammered for a second, “just as Mr. Stark say. Accidents. That is all. They are much sorry for what happened.”

    Carlos was clearly as disconcerted by the conversation as Sam had been. Served him right.

    “Do you have any ideas going forward, Samuel?”

    Sam rolled his tongue against the roof of his mouth. “The lakes. It’s the only thing I can think of. If they aren’t being kept somewhere--and they feel like they’ve just been attacked--I think they’d scatter to their homes. To what they think is safe.”

    Mr. Alonzo was nodding slowly and stretching back in his chair. Moments passed without any more words. Sam had nothing else to offer--the trio either went home, or he had no idea what they’d do--but Henrique seemed inclined to neither agree nor disagree. While the silence fogged the air, Sam noticed Bree had flown to the ceiling of the windowless office and was circling around the chandelier as the room’s main source of light.

    “Would you be willing to investigate the lakes? I can absolutely arrange for a new crew to work with you so that we won’t be encountering any more...,” Mr. Alonzo’s eyes moved to Carlos, “accidents.”

    Sam felt his own words burning in his chest. He had nothing left to offer, so why was Alonzo still so willing to work with him? It did not make any damn sense. Was it just because his crew had godawful people skills and he needed someone to face for them? Was it because he, unlike the Hoennese workers, was less likely to get harassed by locals? These reasons did not seem to matter when it came to the secluded lakes. Sam weighed the notion that Mr. Alonzo would even tell him the truth if he asked; he could feel a tangible game of cat-and-mouse being played, but he could not put his finger on which role he was filling.

    “Why?”

    “What do you mean?”

    “I don’t work for you. I barely know you. Why are you so interested in having me involved?” Sam’s posture straightened and he felt bold as he spoke the words. He figured, cat or mouse, it was worth a shot to try getting ahead of this game.

    Mr. Alonzo placed his hands on his desk and pushed himself up. Sam stayed in his seat as the president answered him. “I am, I’m afraid, using you, Mr. Stark. Not maliciously or cruelly, but simply because I need you. Could I find the legends without you? And bring them in? Almost certainly, yes. I am, if little else, a man of means. But then what? Then I get painted as a villain by a society that respects and adores men like Professor Rowan. My stature and wealth are used against me to portray me as an elitist or a smuggler or an eccentric or just someone who scoffs at the law. But you? God, Sam, you bring legitimacy. You’re the man who has faced so much; the everyman who needs the legends to repair your fractured life. Society will see you and your brother on every television channel in the world, and they’ll know I’m right. That our world deserves better.”

    “Even if I don’t necessarily agree with your stance and I’m just doing this for myself?”

    Mr. Alonzo drew in his lower lip, and Sam realized he must have been biting it, even if just slightly. “Even then, yes. All I ask is that you tell your honest story to the media and let them know how willing I was to help out. You don’t have to like or agree with me. Just be honest about what happened and the role I played.”

    Sam tilted his head to his right. It seemed too easy, too little to expect in return. “Verity is the closest lake. I’m going there now; just have your boys call me when they arrive.” He knew better than to try to get anything else out of Mr. Alonzo. It was simpler to just let him play his own game while Sam ensured the safety of Tommy. After that was taken care of, he could deal with whatever Henrique had planned. After the president acknowledged his statement with a quick nod, Sam headed out the open door to the escalator. Carlos was right behind him.

    Sam wondered what Carlos was thinking. Was he embarrassed that one of his own men cut his legs out from under him? Was he happy to not have taken any more personal blame? Was he disappointed at the possibility of being replaced the rest of the way? Whatever it was, he wasn’t feeling any more like sharing than usual; he summoned the elevator and boarded after the pokemon and Sam without another word.

    The doors opened a few silent moments later on the ground floor, and Monferno shocked Sam by breaking free of his grip and darting through the elevator corridor. Sam reached out to grab him, but Barry’s friend was already well out of range. He charged directly to the stairwell door in which it had been so interested before.

    “Monferno, we’re done here. We’re not using--”

    Monferno balled a fist. A thunder-like crack came next as he smashed the door open.

    “No, Mon--damn it! No!”

    As Sam gave chase, he couldn’t help but imagine the next time he had to visit Mr. Alonzo, the Phoenix Corporation president might just have all doors removed from their hinges in advance to expedite the inevitable.

    Sam made it to the doorway, finding the door itself to be broken in half. Monferno was already out of sight, but Sam could hear him bounding downward, so that was the direction he took after him. Sam leaped over steps two-by-two in a frantic attempt to stop the monkey from destroying any more property. It was foolish to have let him out of the ball, Sam realized. He had no idea what the ape’s tendencies were. Of course he was as impetuous and instinctive as his trainer; of course!

    A cream-colored blur shot by Sam as he rounded a turn in the stairwell. Vlam had caught up and was tracking down Monferno, too. Sam, in his haste to catch Monferno, had forgotten that his pokemon were all loose, too. Vlam was in front of him, and a look to his right showed him Bree, who was having a much easier time traversing stairs since she could fly. Chispa was nowhere in sight, but since he had stopped, he could hear her whimpering from several floors above him. Sam cursed to himself.

    “Bree, go keep an eye on Chispa, okay? Don’t let anything happen to her. Can you do that?”

    Bree bobbed in the air, then sped upwards to guard her little sister. Sam continued his rush down the stairs.

    Having finally reached the bottom of the steps, Sam found yet another decimated door. This one had been wooden, and it had ruptured into splinters from whatever Monferno had done to it. The room behind the door was full of plumbing and large water heaters; pipes both thick and thin criss-crossed the ceiling and ran down the walls into each heater; the room reminded Sam of the puzzle games he’d play as a child, trying to follow a string from one end to another through a jumble of other strings. But what he did not see was any sign of Monferno or Vlam.

    “Monferno! This is a boiler room, not a banana room! What are you doing here?”

    He heard Vlam bark in response. They were definitely still there somewhere. Sam walked carefully through the boiler room, careful not to bump any pipes or disturb anything that Monferno hadn’t already. He called out to Vlam, and she reacted again, allowing Sam to follow her voice to wherever Monferno was hiding. He was briefly startled as a small, purple, stinging pokemon known as Skorupi skittered out in front of him, but before he could do anything about it, it vanished under one of the water tanks. Sam just wanted to get out of the room. Carlos and security were probably on their way down the steps to deal with the mess Monferno had made; Chispa was upstairs, probably upset by how quickly Sam had ran off. He felt bad about it, but until he had a chance to give the pokemon back, he knew Monferno would have to stay in his ball from here-out.

    A last bark by Vlam directed Sam to a small broom closet doorway at the far end of the boiler room. The room appeared to be unlit, but as he approached, he could see sprites of flame dancing on the walls. The light from Monferno’s fiery tale, no doubt.

    “All right, so what’s the big idea--” Sam began as he entered the doorway, but what he saw stopped him dead in his tracks.
    Last edited by Sid87; 1st November 2012 at 1:12 PM.


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  3. #153
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    There is no good or evil, only shades of gray.
    Alonzo wants to bring suffering so others have prosperity, Stark wants to imprison to free.
    What was with that dang philosphy!
    They say if you press cntrl and W you get to see the programming of a website after making a signature with 3 ws and 8qs
    Fanfics I like that are still in production: Author's Run, Pokémon emerald the better version

    This the aquabats song awesome forces:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dx4sL0w3SHM
    and here is their song shark fighter: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3wchrctxFo

    I NEED A BETA READER!
    Check out my fic.
    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...2#post14945242

  4. #154
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    Aww did you have to stop there? There won't be another update for a long while...

    I bet Barry is knocked out or seriously injured and Monferno picked up on it, thus making the Phoenix Corp be as truthful as they led, or at least, not as harmless as they claim to be.

    Anyways, I'm looking forward to another great chapter.


    Credit to Brutaka for the amazing banner and user bar. Yeah, having 2 is redundant, but it shows you guys my favorite pokemon, what story I had planned and my position in the WoJ.

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  5. #155
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    The ferry had a prominently posted notice asking riders to keep their pokemon contained (“for their own safety and the safety of the rest of our guests”, the sign told Sam), but he found that he barely cared. Really, what were they going to do to him, he wondered; stop the ferry and insist he get off in the middle of the strait? As it was, Monferno and his own friends had been promised they’d get more time to relax, and Sam had no intention of taking any such time away from them. He heard some of the other passengers complain about their freedom when they thought Sam was out of earshot; he hardly cared about their annoyance. Sam thought of the words on the sign. Safety? He was not some child with his first friend and no idea how to manage it. He was a grown man who had been with pokemon his whole life. He’d just been deemed worthy by the legendary lake guardians. He’d stood up to Professor Rowan, Henrique Alonzo, and an army of doctors who told him there was nothing that could be done for his brother; the last thing he was going to do was let some damn sign on a boat boss him around.
    This is a pretty strong opening where Sam’s personality shines through. You also do a nice job of summing up the events of the fic thus far without it sounding like a boring summary. This part also made me think about, again, what your writing would be like in first person. I do hope you try that route someday, as it seems like you’d be much better suited for first person compared to third person.

    “Your boss is on the nineteen-and-a-halfth floor?” Sam mused. “Yeah, that’s not shady at all. Tell me, is his doorknob also a skull?”
    Oh, Sam. You never cease to amuse me.

    He likes to be in the middle of the building. He says it putting him in the middle of the business.”
    I think you forgot a word in the second sentence there.

    “I was told that you were admirable in your efforts, but my crew got a little impetuous and frightened them off before you could finish.” Henrique rubbed his palms as if he were washing them. “Mr. Stark, I am exceedingly sorry about this. I promised you a crew to assist you, and instead, they impeded you. I understand if you’ll not be wanting to work with us going forward.”

    Sam choked out a noise through his gaping mouth. He had never imagined such a reaction from Henrique. It felt surreal. Perhaps there was yet some magic on the ninteen-and-a-halfth floor.
    Man, Sam really expects the worst of everything, doesn’t he?

    Also, “ninteen” should be “nineteen”.

    “No, Mr. Alonzo, It is,” Carlos stammered for a second, “just as Mr. Stark say.
    “It” shouldn’t be capitalized.

    “The lakes. It’s the only thing I can think of. If they aren’t being kept somewhere--and they feel like they’ve just been attacked--I think they’d scatter to their homes. To what they think is safe.”
    I’d put “To where they think is safe” instead. It seems to make more sense to me.

    Sam wondered what Carlos was thinking. Was he embarrassed that one of his own men cut his legs out from under him? Was he happy to not have taken any more personal blame? Was he disappointed at the possibility of being replaced the rest of the way? Whatever it was, he wasn’t feeling any more like sharing than usual; he summoned the elevator and boarded after the pokemon and Sam without another word.
    The parts where Sam stops to reflect by asking several questions at once gets kind of repetitive in this chapter. The sections aren’t poorly written or anything, but I’d find another way to express his thoughts if you can.

    As Sam gave chase, he couldn’t help but imagine the next time he had to visit Mr. Alonzo, the Phoenix Corporation president might just have all doors removed from their hinges in advance to expedite the inevitable.
    LOL, indeed this should happen. Sam is just doomed to be smashing doors everywhere he goes.

    It was foolish to have let him out of the ball, Sam realized. He had no idea what the ape’s tendencies were. Of course he was as impetuous and instinctive as his trainer; of course!
    I like the idea of Barry and his pokémon being pretty similar. It’s cute and makes a lot of sense.

    He was briefly started as a small, purple, stinging pokemon known as Skorupi skittered out in front of him, but before he could do anything about it, it vanished under one of the water tanks.
    “startled” not “started”

    Overall, a well written chapter. You did well at showing Sam’s personality through his interesting dialogue and actions as always, and Mr. Alonzo’s motivations were interesting to see this chapter as well. I’m quite curious as to what Monferno was so desperate to see, so get the next chapter out ASAP!

    | survival project |
    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | complete |


    | flying in the dark |
    | he's hiding something. she just doesn't know it. |
    | on hiatus|


    | love and other nightmares |
    | limited time, limited abilities. kyurem says she can be cured in exchange for saving those who need saving. |
    | chapter 3 released 11/22/14 |


  6. #156
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    Chapter 8

    Nice job, you've told me in this one chapter that Sammy loves and cares for Tommy enough that he doesn't want to leave Goldenrod and wants to stay with his brother. It's a very tender connection they have, I find it relatable since it reminds me of my teammates and coaches in a way and it shows how much Tommy and Sammy have influenced each other's lives emotionally in a brotherly bond. Other than that this was a nice set-up chapter for the next few chapters which I'm sure will be action-packed and dramatic in a way. I'm also sure Barry and Sam interactions will be climbing higher and becoming better and better. I don't know why but I can't shake the feeling something big is gonna erupt soon, either way I'm excited. Wish I could have made this review longer, but not much happened and it wasn't a very large chapter. ^^;;

    “I’d be neck-deep in women is where I’d be. Without the oh-so-sexy declaration of ‘No, baby. We can’t go back to my place. My kid brother is up watching pro wrestling’, I’d be solid gold.”
    Lines seems a little, I dunno. Dated? I think. XD Like something you would hear in a early 2003 cartoon. It works

    Canalave City was supposed to be to the Sinnoh continent what Olivine City was to the Johto: the region’s major port and import/export town. Sam had rarely been to Olivine back home, and one of those few times was when he was boarding his unfortunate cruise. It was an awful town as Sam remembered it. The air constantly smelled of dead fish no matter where you went, and the boardwalk was loaded with garish, tourist-trap souvenir shops trying to sell sweatshirts with pictures of Krabby or the Olivine Lighthouse on them. The lighthouse seemed to account for all of the town’s history; apparently it was a big deal twenty years ago when it had to be physically moved backwards into the shore a few hundred yards due to the erosion of the land by water over time. It was all anyone talked about when he had visited. The ships coming in and out of the docks were loud and obnoxious, and the huge crane devices propped on the water’s edge to assist with removing cargo were a tremendous eyesore. Even thinking just these details about Olivine was enough to ball Sam’s fists, but at least he’d stopped thinking about the water.
    Nice detailing on Canalava, you're really giving a feel for the modern city of it and how it operates in a way.

  7. #157
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    Before I get into the recent chapter, I feel like offering a suggestion for the Cynthia thing. I can see how she might care more about a chance to battle than the cave, but her grandmother just standing by and not trying to get Cynthia to change her focus is the part that seems off to me. Therefore I offer a possible solution: That the pair is somehow able to feel comfortable with a bit of stall even with Carlos’s crew in the cave. How? I don’t know. Maybe the legends are hidden behind the walls in a way they think Carlos and the others won’t be able to notice? Maybe there are booby traps inside? I don’t know – just something about the way the cave works to allow the Professor some level of comfort with her granddaughter battling Sam for a longer period. Maybe Carlos himself could elaborate on this in some later scene to explain what his crew found inside that prompted the use of explosives?
    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Chapter 17

    The ferry had a prominently posted notice asking riders to keep their pokemon contained (“for their own safety and the safety of the rest of our guests”, the sign told Sam), but he found that he barely cared. Really, what were they going to do to him, he wondered; stop the ferry and insist he get off in the middle of the strait?
    I’m sure they could charge a fine or something if they really wanted to enforce it.
    Sam thought of the words on the sign. Safety? He was not some child with his first friend and no idea how to manage it. He was a grown man who had been with pokemon his whole life. He’d just been deemed worthy by the legendary lake guardians. He’d stood up to Professor Rowan, Henrique Alonzo, and an army of doctors who told him there was nothing that could be done for his brother; the last thing he was going to do was let some damn sign on a boat boss him around.
    I do like how much of Sam’s personality shows through this mini-summary of events, though.
    Upon deboarding, Sam found a bench in front of the ferry station and parked himself so that Carlos and the others could bark orders at the ferry workers on how to properly unload their equipment.
    Deboarding? I’ve usually heard the term “disembarking” for this sort of thing.
    “I don’t care whose fault it was. I just don’t want to get banged in the head anymore. Behave!”
    I laughed.
    Monferno hopped from the back of the bench to return to Sam’s shoulders where he began patting the back of the trainer’s head. Bree let out high-pitched hum and zipped over to her sisters. She settled on the back of Vlam and turned so that Sam could no longer see her face.
    I wonder if that might read better if you say “she settled on Vlam’s back” instead.
    but the last thing Sam wanted was for Vlam to lose a tail in there.
    Now you’ve got me wondering: is the idea of Ninetales laying curses on those that mess with their tails a myth or a reality in your fic-verse? I’m guessing myth from this, but there could be some interesting implications if Vlam could curse the company because their doors squished a tail.
    As they passed a plain, metallic, grey door, Monferno bounced off of Sam’s back. The pokemon rushed to the door and began pawing at it.

    “What’s going on, buddy?” Sam asked as he approached the ape pokemon. Monferno turned to face him, but only momentarily; his attention was heavily focused on the door. Sam noticed a placard in the wall next to it that told him it was the stairs. “You really want some exercise, huh? I guess I did have you cooped up in your ball for a while. I don’t know if I have the energy to follow you up however many floors it is to Mr. Alonzo’s office.”

    Monferno ignored Sam and continued scratching at the door. In his insistence to get in, he was leaving scrapes in the paint.
    I almost didn’t notice this scene when I first read over the chapter, but now that I’m actively commenting on it, I like this unobtrusive foreshadowing.
    Bree, conversely, probably couldn’t have been happier; she bounced in the air next to Sam’s head and hummed cheerfully.
    I like how Bree mirrors her trainer’s personality. Nice touch.

    Monferno’s head was still downturned as Sam watched the elevator doors close and Carlos slide his key into the control panel. After flipping the key to the right, he pressed the buttons for both the nineteenth and twentieth floors. Sam shook his head and crunched his brow.

    “Did you forget which floor your own boss is on?”

    “There is a floor between nineteen and twenty. It can not be to access without this key turning and pressing both of the buttons.” Carlos said it as simply as if he’d been reading a traffic report.

    “Your boss is on the nineteen-and-a-halfth floor?” Sam mused. “Yeah, that’s not shady at all. Tell me, is his doorknob also a skull?”

    “We can not let his office be accessible to anyone. Obviously. He likes to be in the middle of the building. He says it putting him in the middle of the business.”
    Mr. Alonzo also boards the train on platform nine-and-three-quarters.
    As the elevator passed the nineteenth floor, Sam felt his stomach rise in his gut; they were clearly slowing down suddenly. The control panel beeped three times, and the elevator stopped with both the lights for floors nineteen and twenty illuminated. The doors parted to reveal a completely mundane hallway that was not at all lined with torchlight and filled with laser security beams such as what Sam had fancied when he thought of the hidden floor. At the end of the short hall, he saw Mr. Henrique Alonzo through an open office door. He sat at a desk that was not made of Donphan ivory and wrote on paperwork with a pen that was apparently not a quill dipped in blood.
    Sam’s active imagination is as entertaining as ever, I see.
    “Your men did their best, Mr. Alonzo; I think they were just caught up in the heat of the moment and thought that I was about to be attacked.” Sam heard a sharp intake of breath from Carlos. “I don’t think anyone was really to blame.” He was not sure why he was defending those idiots when they had so terribly screwed everything up. Perhaps it was the thought that one of them took enough responsibility for his own actions that he reported the truth to his boss. Perhaps because he felt caught up in whatever kind of game Henrique Alonzo might have been playing. “I certainly don’t hold any of them accountable.”
    It’s nice to see Sam showing some maturity here, whatever his own reasons for it are.
    Moments passed without any more words. Sam had nothing else to offer—the trio either went home, or he had no idea what they’d do--but Henrique seemed inclined to neither agree nor disagree. While the silence fogged the air, Sam noticed Bree had flown to the ceiling of the windowless office and was circling around the chandelier as the room’s main source of light.
    I don’t quite know why, but the bolded phrase seems a little weird to me.
    “Would you be willing to investigate the lakes? I can absolutely arrange for a new crew to work with you so that we won’t be encountering any more...,” Mr. Alonzo’s eyes moved to Carlos, “accidents.”
    That doesn’t sound sinister at all . . . I wouldn’t want to be Carlos right now.
    Mr. Alonzo placed his hands on his desk and pushed himself up. Sam stayed in his seat as the president answered him. “I am, I’m afraid, using you, Mr. Stark. Not maliciously or cruelly, but simply because I need you. Could I find the legends without you? And bring them in? Almost certainly, yes. I am, if little else, a man of means. But then what? Then I get painted as a villain by a society that respects and adores men like Professor Rowan. My stature and wealth are used against me to portray me as an elitist or a smuggler or an eccentric or just someone who scoffs at the law. But you? God, Sam, you bring legitimacy. You’re the man who has faced so much; the everyman who needs the legends to repair your fractured life. Society will see you and your brother on every television channel in the world, and they’ll know I’m right. That our world deserves better.”
    I’m sure the fact that the legends actually paused and moved toward Sam before being chased off played a role as well.
    As Sam gave chase, he couldn’t help but imagine the next time he had to visit Mr. Alonzo, the Phoenix Corporation president might just have all doors removed from their hinges in advance to expedite the inevitable.
    I like this bit of humor added to the action. Doors and boats seem unavoidable obstacles for Sam.
    Sam made it to the doorway, finding the the door itself to be broken in half.
    “the” was written twice here.
    A cream-colored blur shot by Sam as he rounded a turn in the stairwell. Vlam had caught up and was tracking down Monferno, too. Sam, in his haste to catch Monferno, had forgotten that his pokemon were all loose, too. Vlam was in front of him, and a look to his right showed him Bree, who was having a much easier time traversing stairs since she could fly. Chispa was nowhere in sight, but since he had stopped, he could hear her whimpering from several floors above him. Sam cursed to himself.

    “Bree, go keep an eye on Chispa, okay? Don’t let anything happen to her. Can you do that?”
    I’m wondering if splitting up might be a bad thing. Guess I’ll see next chapter.
    The room behind the door was full of plumbing and large water heaters; pipes both thick and thin criss-crossed the ceiling and ran down the walls into each heater; The room reminded Sam of the puzzle games he’d play as a child, trying to follow a string from one end to another through a jumble of other strings. But what he did not see was any sign of Monferno or Vlam.
    These points are separated by a semicolon, but the word “the” is capitalized after like a new sentence.
    “All right, so what’s the big idea--” Sam began as he entered the doorway, but what he saw stopped him dead in his tracks.
    A cliffhanger huh? I’m going to go with the apparently popular guess of Sam discovering Barry being held here against his will. The alternative might be one of the legends already in Alonzo’s possession, but I doubt Monferno would be this frantic over anything less than his trainer.

    Anyway, I like the tension in the conversation. Sam senses something is amiss but cannot put a finger on what. I bet he's about to find out (at least some of) what it was.
    Oh, look! I wrote a fanfic! Weak (One-Shot. Rated G). Can Iris convince Bianca that she can't just avoid her problems?

    And another one: Mischief (One-Shot. Rated G). A little fun for October.

  8. #158
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    Quote Originally Posted by diamondpearl876 View Post
    This is a pretty strong opening where Sam’s personality shines through. You also do a nice job of summing up the events of the fic thus far without it sounding like a boring summary. This part also made me think about, again, what your writing would be like in first person. I do hope you try that route someday, as it seems like you’d be much better suited for first person compared to third person.



    Oh, Sam. You never cease to amuse me.



    I think you forgot a word in the second sentence there.



    Man, Sam really expects the worst of everything, doesn’t he?

    Also, “ninteen” should be “nineteen”.



    “It” shouldn’t be capitalized.



    I’d put “To where they think is safe” instead. It seems to make more sense to me.



    The parts where Sam stops to reflect by asking several questions at once gets kind of repetitive in this chapter. The sections aren’t poorly written or anything, but I’d find another way to express his thoughts if you can.



    LOL, indeed this should happen. Sam is just doomed to be smashing doors everywhere he goes.



    I like the idea of Barry and his pokémon being pretty similar. It’s cute and makes a lot of sense.



    “startled” not “started”

    Overall, a well written chapter. You did well at showing Sam’s personality through his interesting dialogue and actions as always, and Mr. Alonzo’s motivations were interesting to see this chapter as well. I’m quite curious as to what Monferno was so desperate to see, so get the next chapter out ASAP!
    Thanks for once again finding the things my lazy eyes don't. I'll have to keep an eye out for the repetitive questions thing. I didn't notice it during the proofreading, but I shall attempt to be more vigilant!

    And as I told you in PM...I do adore first person...I don't know why I haven't been using it more often here. Stylistic mistake, possibly.

    Quote Originally Posted by Rotomknight View Post
    There is no good or evil, only shades of gray.
    Alonzo wants to bring suffering so others have prosperity, Stark wants to imprison to free.
    What was with that dang philosphy!
    Heh. That's cryptic.


    Quote Originally Posted by Azurus View Post
    Aww did you have to stop there? There won't be another update for a long while...

    I bet Barry is knocked out or seriously injured and Monferno picked up on it, thus making the Phoenix Corp be as truthful as they led, or at least, not as harmless as they claim to be.

    Anyways, I'm looking forward to another great chapter.
    Glad you enjoyed it!


    Quote Originally Posted by Ememew View Post
    Before I get into the recent chapter, I feel like offering a suggestion for the Cynthia thing. I can see how she might care more about a chance to battle than the cave, but her grandmother just standing by and not trying to get Cynthia to change her focus is the part that seems off to me. Therefore I offer a possible solution: That the pair is somehow able to feel comfortable with a bit of stall even with Carlos’s crew in the cave. How? I don’t know. Maybe the legends are hidden behind the walls in a way they think Carlos and the others won’t be able to notice? Maybe there are booby traps inside? I don’t know – just something about the way the cave works to allow the Professor some level of comfort with her granddaughter battling Sam for a longer period. Maybe Carlos himself could elaborate on this in some later scene to explain what his crew found inside that prompted the use of explosives?
    I’m sure they could charge a fine or something if they really wanted to enforce it. I do like how much of Sam’s personality shows through this mini-summary of events, though.
    Deboarding? I’ve usually heard the term “disembarking” for this sort of thing. I laughed.

    I wonder if that might read better if you say “she settled on Vlam’s back” instead.
    Now you’ve got me wondering: is the idea of Ninetales laying curses on those that mess with their tails a myth or a reality in your fic-verse? I’m guessing myth from this, but there could be some interesting implications if Vlam could curse the company because their doors squished a tail.
    I almost didn’t notice this scene when I first read over the chapter, but now that I’m actively commenting on it, I like this unobtrusive foreshadowing.
    I like how Bree mirrors her trainer’s personality. Nice touch.

    Mr. Alonzo also boards the train on platform nine-and-three-quarters.
    Sam’s active imagination is as entertaining as ever, I see.
    It’s nice to see Sam showing some maturity here, whatever his own reasons for it are.
    I don’t quite know why, but the bolded phrase seems a little weird to me.
    That doesn’t sound sinister at all . . . I wouldn’t want to be Carlos right now.
    I’m sure the fact that the legends actually paused and moved toward Sam before being chased off played a role as well.
    I like this bit of humor added to the action. Doors and boats seem unavoidable obstacles for Sam.
    “the” was written twice here.
    I’m wondering if splitting up might be a bad thing. Guess I’ll see next chapter.
    These points are separated by a semicolon, but the word “the” is capitalized after like a new sentence.
    A cliffhanger huh? I’m going to go with the apparently popular guess of Sam discovering Barry being held here against his will. The alternative might be one of the legends already in Alonzo’s possession, but I doubt Monferno would be this frantic over anything less than his trainer.

    Anyway, I like the tension in the conversation. Sam senses something is amiss but cannot put a finger on what. I bet he's about to find out (at least some of) what it was.
    Hm...when I "quote" you here, all your points tend to bunch up. I wonder why that is...? Anyway...

    I don't think Vlam could really lay any curses, but it's certainly possible; we're already dealing with animals that shoot fire and electricity, so it wouldn't hurt the "realism" aspect at all in that regard. I hadn't thought of it. That said, Vlam isn't much of a curse-giver. She's pretty laid back.

    Thanks for, like DP876, finding more of my crap that my inattentiveness glosses over. I am, and remain, really bad at proofreading! I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I will endeavor to continue having it entertain.


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  9. #159
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    I think this this is a really great fic because of the character's great personalities and I really like the writing style. And can you add me on the PM list please? I'm not as active on the forums as I used to be, but I always come in once in a while and check my messages.


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  10. #160
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    Well, it’s not as late as I usually am with these things. So, there’s that…

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Chapter 17
    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Sam, for as displeased as he was to have been back on the sea once again, was at least happy he’d made it through the ferry ride to Canalave without Barry’s Monferno tossing anybody overboard.
    If people not being thrown overboard is the only positive aspect of traveling, you desperately need to rethink your life.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    He’d stood up to Professor Rowan, Henrique Alonzo, and an army of doctors who told him there was nothing that could be done for his brother; the last thing he was going to do was let some damn sign on a boat boss him around.
    Who needs authority -- or signs for that matter—when you have creatures that can breathe fire?

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Upon deboarding, Sam found a bench in front of the ferry station and parked himself so that Carlos and the others could bark orders at the ferry workers on how to properly unload their equipment.
    I thought about labeling this with a giant question mark. “Deboarding”, I’ve never heard of the word. Perhaps, “disembarking” or something like that would work.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    “Can’t you two calm down?” At Sam’s words, Monferno and Bree turned their attention to him. “You’re gonna concuss me if you don’t stop acting so jealous over each other.” Bree buzzed and stiffened her antennae out in Monferno’s direction. “I don’t care whose fault it was. I just don’t want to get banged in the head anymore. Behave!”
    Replace the Pokemon names and antennae with my siblings and you would have the average argument in my family. It has the “sibling rivalry” sort of vibe to it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Sam could not help but wonder if this was coincidence or not. How long had the corporation had a headquarters in Sinnoh? Was it ordered here by Mr. Alonzo? If so, was it located here so that he’d have easy access to all the reference material he’d need on Sinnoh? Perhaps that was how he’d known so much about Celestic Town just from the brief description Sam gave him of a picture he’d seen, or even how he knew so much about the guardians to begin with. But to think that the president of an international company would erect a building across from a library just for research... Sam could not help but think that was a reach. Wasn’t it?
    Hmm, it does raise a point. Why build it there? Or is Sam thinking about it too much?

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    “There is a floor between nineteen and twenty. It can not be to access without this key turning and pressing both of the buttons.” Carlos said it as simply as if he’d been reading a traffic report.

    “Your boss is on the nineteen-and-a-halfth floor?” Sam mused. “Yeah, that’s not shady at all. Tell me, is his doorknob also a skull?”
    The furniture is also made up of limb bones and the pencil sharpener runs purely on tormented souls. The lights are also dimed to a dull red because it saves money and the environment.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    The doors parted to reveal a completely mundane hallway that was not at all lined with torchlight and filled with laser security beams such as what Sam had fancied when he thought of the hidden floor. At the end of the short hall, he saw Mr. Henrique Alonzo through an open office door. He sat at a desk that was not made of Donphan ivory and wrote on paperwork with a pen that was apparently not a quill dipped in blood.
    Awww… I was totally expecting something like that. Stupid impracticality of having an office made of limbs.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Sam almost could not help but feel disappointed at the nineteen-and-a-halfth floor’s lack of mystique.
    I feel your pain Sam. I honestly do.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    “I understand we had something of a mishap in Canalave, and the legends were lost to us.”
    Wait? Canalave? I thought the legends were in Celestic.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    “I was told that you were admirable in your efforts, but my crew got a little impetuous and frightened them off before you could finish.” Henrique rubbed his palms as if he were washing them. “Mr. Stark, I am exceedingly sorry about this. I promised you a crew to assist you, and instead, they impeded you. I understand if you’ll not be wanting to work with us going forward.”
    That’s a light way of putting things. Considering that everything just hit the fan and still hasn’t stopped falling from the ceiling.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    “Your men did their best, Mr. Alonzo; I think they were just caught up in the heat of the moment and thought that I was about to be attacked.” Sam heard a sharp intake of breath from Carlos. “I don’t think anyone was really to blame.”

    “I certainly don’t hold any of them accountable.”
    Wait … what? Did Sam just divert all the blame from Carlos and his men? What sort of madness is this?

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    “Do you have any ideas going forward, Samuel?”

    Sam rolled his tongue against the roof of his mouth. “The lakes. It’s the only thing I can think of. If they aren’t being kept somewhere--and they feel like they’ve just been attacked--I think they’d scatter to their homes. To what they think is safe.”
    Pretty acute reasoning on his part, but than again, he has been to the lakes before. And he knows a little about them from Rowan, so it’s a logical guess for him.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    “I am, I’m afraid, using you, Mr. Stark. Not maliciously or cruelly, but simply because I need you. Could I find the legends without you? And bring them in? Almost certainly, yes. I am, if little else, a man of means. But then what? Then I get painted as a villain by a society that respects and adores men like Professor Rowan. My stature and wealth are used against me to portray me as an elitist or a smuggler or an eccentric or just someone who scoffs at the law. But you? God, Sam, you bring legitimacy. You’re the man who has faced so much; the everyman who needs the legends to repair your fractured life. Society will see you and your brother on every television channel in the world, and they’ll know I’m right. That our world deserves better.”

    “Even if I don’t necessarily agree with your stance and I’m just doing this for myself?”
    Damn, he has this entire scheme planned out to even cover how he’ll be portrayed by the media. Meticulous to the very last detail, aren’t you Henrique?

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Sam wondered what Carlos was thinking. Was he embarrassed that one of his own men cut his legs out from under him? Was he happy to not have taken any more personal blame? Was he disappointed at the possibility of being replaced the rest of the way? Whatever it was, he wasn’t feeling any more like sharing than usual; he summoned the elevator and boarded after the pokemon and Sam without another word.
    You know? I hope Carlos stays around, I’ve honestly grown to enjoy his broken Kantoen and his overall personality. Besides, from a minor character being called “Sideburns”, to a more developed character of Carlos Morales, the foreman of the Phoenix Company’s excavation/exploration/demolation crew.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    A last bark by Vlam directed Sam to a small broom closet doorway at the far end of the boiler room. The room appeared to be unlit, but as he approached, he could see sprites of flame dancing on the walls. The light from Monferno’s fiery tale, no doubt.

    “All right, so what’s the big idea--” Sam began as he entered the doorway, but what he saw stopped him dead in his tracks.
    And you accuse me of putting too many unanswered questions in my story. XD
    I kid, but you made a darn good cliffhanger.

    I’m going to take a wild stab in the dark and say that Barry has something to do with what stopped Sam in his tracks. And that the true motives of Mr. Alonzo will be revealed.

    There is always the chance that I am dead wrong about this, but guessing is half the fun of having a cliffhanger.

    So, all in all, another great chapter. Aside from the two things I found in bold/italics, there’s nothing in the way of errors. I can’t wait for the next one and hopefully we’ll see what is going on.

    Knightfall signing off…

  11. #161
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    Really, what were they going to do to him, he wondered; stop the ferry and insist he get off in the middle of the strait?
    Right before I read that bit I found myself asking the same question. Especially for same as a person, they can't really threaten him. With the amount of Pokemon on his side, plus the value he showed Phoenix Corp he has when the guardians took special interest in him previously, he has shown himself to be pretty valuable. No doubt someone will try and test the rule, but for the moment I judge for him to be at least relatively safe.

    Before Sam had ventured to the more scenic area of the ferry, he noticed that Carlos and his workers managed to look like a fine gang and not at all suspicious by surrounding their equipment and standing in front of it with their arms crossed.
    I love the little dashes of sarcasm you throw in from Sam every once in awhile

    Bree seemed to be more resentful of Monferno’s keeping her from resting on her trainer than anything. She tried to buzz close to whichever side of Sam Monferno was not hogging, but as soon as Barry’s pokemon swung over to that side, she let out a sharp hum and fluttered away. Chispa had discovered rapture in watching the swaying of Vlam’s tails, and the eldest friend of the group seemed quietly content to amuse the cub with them. Sam breathed deep to help steady himself as he watched Chispa raise a jittery paw, unsure whether or not to swat at Vlam’s tail. A clubbing sensation to the back of the head knocked Sam forward and almost off of his bench; he turned to see Monferno waving an angry fist at his Butterfree.
    I liked the quoted portion quite a bit. You did a good job introducing their little traits without shoving it down my throat. Especially the portion with Chispa and Vlam. I could picture the scene with the two of them quite easily and vividly. Nicely done

    Bree let out high-pitched hum and zipped over to her sisters.
    Lol, the sisters portion was a nice touch as well. You have a neat talent at subtle relationship building in the way that I can only appreciate a scene after I read it, then want to reread it immedeately afterward

    Ninetales’ back before getting airborne.
    Should that be Ninetales's?

    He nodded in affirmation to Carlos’
    That one as well

    Monferno ignored Sam and continued scratching at the door. In his insistence to get in, he was leaving scrapes in the paint.
    Hmm, interesting. The only thing I can think of behind the door is Barry, but that can't possibly be it, and besides (input room full of bannana's joke here, I can figure out why he'd be doing that, at all. After I read that sentence I stopped for several minutes to try and think of what it could be, but I got nothing. I'll be watching this

    Bree, conversely, probably couldn’t have been happier; she bounced in the air next to Sam’s head and hummed cheerfully.
    Hah, nice

    Monferno’s head was still downturned as Sam watched the elevator
    Don't get me wrong, you're not doing it right now, and I'm sure you know this, but be careful about hammering a point in too much. I get that Monferno is upset he can't get through there, you did a good job making that known, but after three sentences associated with that feeling so quickly after the event, it almost seems like you're trying to beat it into me when I'm totally following what's happening. Like I said, you're not doing it, I just want to make sure you know not to make it happen in the future. You dig?

    “Yeah, that’s not shady at all. Tell me, is his doorknob also a skull?”
    Lmao, Sam is becoming quite the lovable smartass

    The doors parted to reveal a completely mundane hallway that was not at all lined with torchlight and filled with laser security beams such as what Sam had fancied when he thought of the hidden floor. At the end of the short hall, he saw Mr. Henrique Alonzo through an open office door. He sat at a desk that was not made of Donphan ivory and wrote on paperwork with a pen that was apparently not a quill dipped in blood.
    That was an awesome paragraph. I had to reread it twice because I started laughing so hard. I've seen bits of comedy from you before, but you're really impressing me here. Stunning visual, with a sudden shift to what's real, then repeating it with something different. You have me jumping back and forth in a very pleasant way.

    but since he had stopped, he could hear her whimpering from several floors above him.
    Several floors? That doesn't seem possible, unless Sam has superhuman hearing. Whimpering is a softer sound, which would be hard to hear from several rooms away, much less between floors of steel and concrete. Was that a typo, because if not, that doesn't really make much sense from a pratical perspective. You dig?

    “Monferno! This is a boiler room, not a banana room!
    Lol, although I did laugh at that, it doesn't feel really appropriate given the situation they're in. Monferno is smashing through doors to an end we do not know, Chispa is crying, Bree just flew off to find her; it just seems to be too much of a serious situation to drop in some comedy. Don't get me wrong, comedy in certain extreme situations can add to the excitement, as I know you know, but on this occasion it doesn't feel quite right.

    “All right, so what’s the big idea--” Sam began as he entered the doorway, but what he saw stopped him dead in his tracks.
    ARGH!

    Nicely done buddy, I enjoyed myself, and you've definitely piqued my interest for the next chapter.

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    Quote Originally Posted by C.Gholy View Post
    I think this this is a really great fic because of the character's great personalities and I really like the writing style. And can you add me on the PM list please? I'm not as active on the forums as I used to be, but I always come in once in a while and check my messages.
    Happily added you.



    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall View Post
    I thought about labeling this with a giant question mark. “Deboarding”, I’ve never heard of the word. Perhaps, “disembarking” or something like that would work.
    Deboarding REALLY sounds right to me, but you're the second to bring that up. Maybe my brain is just wonky.

    Wait? Canalave? I thought the legends were in Celestic.
    ...herp. Fixed.

    You know? I hope Carlos stays around, I’ve honestly grown to enjoy his broken Kantoen and his overall personality. Besides, from a minor character being called “Sideburns”, to a more developed character of Carlos Morales, the foreman of the Phoenix Company’s excavation/exploration/demolation crew.
    You'll see more of Carlos...

    And you accuse me of putting too many unanswered questions in my story. XD
    I kid, but you made a darn good cliffhanger.

    I’m going to take a wild stab in the dark and say that Barry has something to do with what stopped Sam in his tracks. And that the true motives of Mr. Alonzo will be revealed.

    There is always the chance that I am dead wrong about this, but guessing is half the fun of having a cliffhanger.

    So, all in all, another great chapter. Aside from the two things I found in bold/italics, there’s nothing in the way of errors. I can’t wait for the next one and hopefully we’ll see what is going on.

    Knightfall signing off…
    Glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for reading!




    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    I love the little dashes of sarcasm you throw in from Sam every once in awhile
    I fall into the habit of writing lovable a-holes a lot.

    Lol, the sisters portion was a nice touch as well. You have a neat talent at subtle relationship building in the way that I can only appreciate a scene after I read it, then want to reread it immedeately afterward
    Thanks!

    Should that be Ninetales's?



    That one as well
    I think I remember if a word/name ends with an S, it can go either way, but it's generally accepted that you should JUST add the apostrophe. I will double-check, though.

    Don't get me wrong, you're not doing it right now, and I'm sure you know this, but be careful about hammering a point in too much. I get that Monferno is upset he can't get through there, you did a good job making that known, but after three sentences associated with that feeling so quickly after the event, it almost seems like you're trying to beat it into me when I'm totally following what's happening. Like I said, you're not doing it, I just want to make sure you know not to make it happen in the future. You dig?
    Dug and noted for the future. Thanks!

    Several floors? That doesn't seem possible, unless Sam has superhuman hearing. Whimpering is a softer sound, which would be hard to hear from several rooms away, much less between floors of steel and concrete. Was that a typo, because if not, that doesn't really make much sense from a pratical perspective. You dig?
    I think I meant "several" in the sense of 2 or 3. And by whimpering, I was thinking of a louder, more insistent whining noise. Maybe poor word choice, alas.

    I accidentally deleted the quote part about the Banana Room...I was just having Sam use humor to mask his frustration there. He's not the kind to yell at or scold his friends (or any pokemon, really), so he covers up his anger by defusing it into humor.

    thanks for reading, as always. Sidenote: I've READ the current chapter of Requiem, just haven't had time to comment. HOPEFULLY tomorrow morning.


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    Hi! Despite my lack of commenting, I am still reading and have rather enjoyed where this has been going recently. Moral greyness is always fun, and I'm especially liking how much more noticeably messed-up Sam is gradually becoming in his desperation to save Tommy no matter the cost.

    I just popped in to comment on this chapter because I have one thing to say that no-one else seems to be bringing up, and that is that the way you wrote this chapter's cliffhanger is, in my opinion, the very textbook example of how not to write a cliffhanger. Ending the chapter after indicating that there is something shocking there but before telling us what this something actually is is just not that exciting, because, ultimately, I don't know what it is and so I don't have anything tangible to get excited about. The way things are, in order to get myself excited about the next chapter I basically have to take your word for it - or rather, Sam's brief reaction's word for it - that this truly is something shocking that I want to find out about. Which is all very well, but it would be so much better of a reader experience if I'd found out what that something was at the end of this chapter so that I could feel that shock for myself.

    Don't think that letting us know what Sam found at the end of this chapter would ruin any potential for speculation the cliffhanger would have, either. I get the feeling you did it like this because you want to get us speculating on what it might have been that he found there, but all we're asking ourselves now is a very vague, very broad, "What, out of many possible things, did Sam find?" Whereas if you'd told us what it was, we'd still have been asking questions, but they'd have been much more specific and therefore more interesting to think about - we'd be wondering what it's doing there, how it got there, being able to eagerly anticipate the possible consequences it might have. We can't really do that when we don't know what it actually is.

    So, while the ultimate result of this cliffhanger is that I do want to read the next chapter to find out what this thing is, it's for the wrong reasons: I want to find out because I believe it will excite me when I do, not because I'm excited about it right now. Leading up to something that seems like it'll be exciting then cutting off before actually getting to the exciting part is more just anticlimactic and kind of frustrating. And you might be thinking that cliffhangers often are frustrating, which can be true, but the best cliffhangers are always frustrating in a good way, in an in-universe way. This cliffhanger is just frustrating in a bad way, I'm afraid.

    I don't know if you actually want to edit the end of the chapter, or whether you doing so would fully restore the cliffhanger's potential impact now that I and several other readers have already read the currently-anticlimactic version. But at least this is something I hope you'll keep in mind if you ever want to end a chapter on a cliffhanger in the future - I really like cliffhangers when they're done right, and I do think that if you'd ended this chapter by telling us what was there then I would have enjoyed it, so I don't want to miss out on any further moments like that that there could potentially be in the future of this fic.
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    Confound it, cliffhangers! Regardless, I apologize profusely for posting late, I'm a horrible procrastinator. Regardless, I'll just reinforce the obvious; your writing skills are amazing, and I was on the edge of my seat for a good bit of this chapter, looking forward to the next one.

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    Chapter 18

    Floaroma Town was barely an outskirt of a suburb, a small stopover village nestled in the woods at the bottom of Mount Coronet. In comparison, Celestic Town may well have been a bustling center of trade. But where Celestic was surrounded by perpetual mountain haze, looming pine trees, and a jagged, knife-like terrain that combined to cause Sam to fear for his life at the movement of his own shadow, Floaroma Town was much more sleepy and calm. The village was literally alive with colors; flowers bloomed from the east end to the western highway out towards Eterna City, and roads and walkways were shaped windingly around their beds so as to molest them as little as possible. Despite the frantic nature in which Sam had arrived at Floaroma Town just hours before, he felt a sense of relaxation as he made his way to the Val-U-Stay motel where he’d rented a room. The peacefulness of the quiet village and the hypnotic sway of the floral scenery reminded Sam of a movie he’d seen as a child, but these flowers--unlike the ones in the film--did not seem to have the nefarious side effect of putting travelers to sleep at a witch’s command. A witch would have been the least of Sam’s concerns at the moment, anyway.

    There certainly was some effect from the flowers, though. Sam had been running all-but nonstop for two days as he tried to put as much distance between himself and Canalave City as possible. It was not until he’d reached Floaroma that the idea of catching his breath and figuring out his next move came to him. Maybe it was something about the easiness of the flowers that had calmed him down after all. The Val-U-Stay seemed to be the most anonymous place in town, so he settled on that despite the unimpressive boasting on its vacancy sign. “Beds. Cable TV. Private Rooms”. They weren’t the most fascinating amenities Sam could imagine, but it did certainly beat the alternative, which was apparently having a public room with no beds.

    Sam found himself mesmerized in place and admiring the intertwining of a bush of red flowers with another bush of yellow flowers (Sam was humbled by being incapable of naming the plants, but he realized he never claimed to be a botanist) when the proprietor of the Val-U-Stay emerged from the front office to sweep the sidewalk. The sight of her brought him back to reality; he pulled the brim of the ballcap he had lifted from a gas station outside Jubilife City down to cover as much of his face as possible and nodded at her as he hurried away up the stairwell to the second floor.

    Sam pushed open the door to room seventeen and was almost immediately tackled by Monferno, causing the bag of convenience store delicacies he had left the motel room for in the first place to scatter to the ground.

    “Damn it! I had soup in there!” Sam cried in frustration as Monferno rubbed his face on Sam’s chest. “Why is he even out of his ball?”

    “Well he’s hungry, too. And he doesn’t like being cooped up in his ball anymore than we like being cooped up in a motel room.”

    Monferno bounced from Sam’s body and began sniffing around the fallen bag. Sam saw the monkey begin licking at it and knew right away that the lid must have come free from the soup. So much for dinner, he thought. “Barry, you and this ape couldn’t spell ’subtlety’ if I tattooed it on each of your foreheads. What if he made so much noise that someone--”

    “Well of course we couldn’t.”

    Sam froze and narrowed his eyes. He took a deep breath before deciding to address whatever Barry was talking about. “Couldn’t what?”

    “Spell it. I mean, if you tattooed it on our heads. Because then it would be backwards.”

    Sam felt his eyes begin to water. “I--what now?”

    “If you tattooed it on our heads and we looked in the mirror to see how it was spelled, it’d be all backwards. Then there’s the fact that I’m pretty sure Monferno can’t spell words anyway--”

    There might have been more, and knowing Barry, there probably was. But Sam’s brain had deactivated as part of some kind of self-defense mechanism. All he could hear was the steady, high-pitched grunt building in the back of his throat. Sure enough, Barry’s mouth was still moving. Sam shuddered and turned to the fire pokemon; it was still licking the inside of the plastic bag.

    “Am I right?” Barry apparently concluded.

    “I--yes. That is--yes. Right. Okay. Sure. Backwards.” Sam’s brain was not offering up more than one word at a time. Disagreeing with Barry never seemed to net much gain.

    Barry nodded, possibly proud of himself for yet another deep thought, and the two of them stood facing each other as the seconds dawdled past. Monferno was still crouched on the ground and pawing at the bag of lost soup, and he was not being neat about it with broth and noodles slopping up the floor. It occurred to Sam that Barry had no interest in cleaning up after his friend, so if it was going to get done, he’d have to be the one to do it.

    “I guess I’ll get a towel to clean that up,” Sam said, letting his eyes linger on Barry for a few moments as he started towards the bathroom.

    Barry was undeterred, and only pressed his palms downwards. “I’ll hold everything down here,” he answered as if the duty were vitally important.

    Sam pulled a washrag off of the towel rack in the motel bathroom that was barely capable of holding a shower, a toilet, a sink, and a human being within its walls. They couldn’t stay in this motel for long, and he knew it. Sam was beginning to feel like he had nowhere left to turn. He could not possibly go back to the Phoenix Corporation, yet Professor Rowan was hardly any better of an option. And back home to Goldenrod City, empty-handed? That was simply out of the question. His brain pressed him, Where are you going, Sam?

    His eyes caught the light coming through the window, and Sam could not help but wonder who would put a window in a motel bathroom? His gaze settled back on the swaying colors outside. A burst of violet settled in amongst a sea of muted yellow, and Sam could see the movement of insects busily floating from blossom to blossom to collect their dinners. Sam leaned his neck to look up to the sky; he wondered if the flowers’ colors were arranged in such a way that they made an image to passing aircraft. Something simple, but pleasant enough to charm anyone passing by and hopefully let them forget about the stresses of their life until they reached their destination.

    “Hey, Sam?” Barry called from outside the bathroom. “Any idea why we would be on TV?”

    Sam’s attention was wrenched from the peacefulness of the window, and he rushed to Barry’s side in front the tiny motel television set. Sure enough, there were two photos of them in the corner of a news report. The shot of Barry was a simple stock photo--probably a school picture with the way he was mugging in the image--and the one of Sam looked to be a still picture from a security camera in Canalave. Sam would be lying if he claimed he had not thought this might happen, but he was counting on Mr. Alonzo’s secretive nature and distrust of Sinnohans to keep it from coming to this.

    “Turn it up,” he told Barry, though the words had to fight their way out of his mouth.

    “No word today to follow up yesterday’s report of a violent kidnapping in Canalave City. Samuel Stark of Johto, pictured right, was abducted from the Phoenix Shipping Corporation Building in Canalave by accused eco-terrorist Barry West, pictured left. In the middle of the afternoon business day--”

    “What the hell?” Sam squinted at the report as if he could see beyond it to something else.

    “Eco-terrorist?” Barry mused, his breath chortling out through his nose.

    “--witnesses have corroborated the story that Mr. West was trying to break into the building through the basement. When Mr. Stark allegedly caught him in the act, Mr. West took him hostage and fled the city, possibly aboard a ferry or cargo ship. If you see either of these men--”

    “Who corroborated that? Who possibly--” Sam’s words died with the dawning of a realization. “What the hell kind of game is Alonzo playing here?”

    “Eco terrorist! Ha!”

    “According to Phoenix Corporation President, Henrique Alonzo, Barry West is dangerous, possibly disturbed, and prone to violent, destructive outbursts. He is responsible for millions of dollars of damaged property, and he allegedly made an attempt on the lives of several Phoenix employees off the coast of Snowpoint City.”

    “Well, okay. Most of that one is true...”

    “I’m gonna terrorize all the ecos!”

    “--still awaiting official word from Sinnoh’s Secretary of Pokemon Affairs, Professor Rowan. Professor Rowan is the legal guardian of Barry West, and previous attempts to contact him have been politely declined, though Professor Rowan did state the accusations against Mr. West are absurd, and he’d be calling a press conference tomorrow morning to directly address the concerns.”

    Sam lowered his face down into his hands and rubbed his eyes until he saw sparks dancing in his eyelids. The news report had been, of course, untrue. Sam did not find Barry trying to break into the building; he found him there being held in the boiler room against his will. It had become apparent to Sam then that when Sam had left Barry in Snowpoint with Mr. Alonzo, the latter held onto Barry, labeling him as some kind of threat. It was another in a long line of mistakes Sam had made lately, but he immediately decided to make up for it by taking Barry as far from Henrique as possible. Since charging out of the Phoenix Corporation Building after rescuing Barry and gathering up their friends, Sam had been so frazzled he had not stopped to consider what would be best for Barry.

    “We’ve got to get you back to Sandgem Town. Now.”

    “Well, we could, but I can’t promise not to blow up a tree on the way. Because that’s what I do, you know?”

    “That’s not even what it--no, come on. We’re not that far off. We can get you back together with Rowan by tonight if we push it. Then you can go out there with him tomorrow and say what’s really going on. With you, with me, with Alonzo. The whole truth.”

    Barry scratched his cheek. “Yeah, that’d be pretty neat. You, me, and Rowan all at a podium together, being all like 'Mr. Alonzo is a dick’! Let’s see what he has to say in response to that, right?”

    “Right...,” Sam looked down at the carpet and saw the soup stain. The mess he still hadn’t cleaned up and now would never get to. “Look, I’m not staying if we go. I’ll get you to the lab, but that’s as far as I go. Alonzo might be crackerjacks, but Rowan... he’s not exactly on my Christmas card list, either.”

    Barry shrugged, but offered nothing else. Sam felt compelled to go on. “Look, I screwed up, and I got you hurt. That was really pathetic of me; I know it. But those two? Man, it was bad enough when they were both moving me like a pawn on a checkerboard. Now they’re going to make their little to-do public? Keep me out of it.”

    “Chessboard.”

    “What?”

    “You use a pawn on a chessboard, not a checkerboard.”

    Sam’s instant rebuttal was that they were the same thing, but he kept it to himself. Had Barry heard anything else he said, or was Sam basically just talking to the cold stain on the seafoam green carpet?

    “So where are you going? After dropping me off, that is.”

    Sam looked over his right shoulder as the answer sprang to him. “Lake Valor. Verity is too close to Canalave, and Acuity is too risky if Henrique ends up back at his little resort. I’m going to find Lake Valor and see if any of the guardians returned there. They’ll be willing to help me; I saw that in them. It’s what I have to do.”

    Barry nodded emphatically. He pulled one of his pokeballs from his pocket and recalled Monferno into it. “Lake Valor’s going to be a long trip. You better run back across the street before we leave and stock up on energy drinks. I get sleepy on busses and trains.”

    “Yeah, but no. Did you miss the part where I’m taking you back to Sandgem so you can clear your name?”

    “I did, but that was the boring part of the plan that I’m ignoring. So we’re going to Valor together instead. Besides, I’d be the worst kidnapper ever if I just let you wander off on your own. Mean, who does that?”

    “Barry, this is serious.”

    “I don’t do serious.”

    “I saw you arguing with Mr. Alonzo over the proper care of legendary pokemon.”

    Barry rolled his eyes as if the memory was damaging to his reputation. “Sometimes I do serious. Irregularly, at best.”

    “And what if we get caught by someone while you’re with me?”

    “Did you miss the part of the story where you’re my hapless victim? You can tell the police the truth if it came to that. Besides,” Barry slapped Sam’s shoulder, “do you really think the prof would let me rot in jail? That’s kind of the point of having powerful friends and family.”

    Barry was a hard kid to read, but especially so at that moment; Sam had no idea why he was turning up a chance to clear his own name. There was always the possibility that the impulsive youth simply wanted to go where there might be action. But maybe there was more, Sam thought. Maybe Barry was in tune to how much Sam felt he still needed to make up to him. It had, after all, only been a few days since he’d physically assaulted Barry, humiliated him, stole his friends, and left him at the mercy of someone like Henrique Alonzo. One little rescue hardly made up for that.

    Sam sighed, but did not say anything back. Barry nodded brightly in reply, and it appeared to be settled. The two gathered up what meager possessions they had with them at the motel. Sam might have missed the changes in clothes and belongings he had to leave with Carlos when he abruptly fled Canalave, but he had to admit that it made for abandoning a motel in a hurry much easier. Within minutes, wallets, pokeballs, and cell phones were gathered up, and the two were ready to leave.

    They pulled the door to room seventeen behind them just in time to see a police officer climbing the outer stairs of the motel right outside their room. He was bald, and his expansive forehead was wrinkled in a scowl.

    Sam froze, and his brain tried to process an ocean of possibilities. The motel manager must have recognized him and called the police in to investigate the room. Or someone at the convenience store saw him; maybe he was caught on the surveillance video there. Would he have to explain to the cop the situation and tell him the truth about Barry? There didn’t seem to be any way the officer would believe him. He’d probably just chalk it up to Stockholm Syndrome or something.

    The cop let out a fiery breath, and Sam immediately knew he wasn’t in a pleasant mood. Sam felt his hands ball up; would he have to use his friends to get past the guy? Maybe, but then what? He and Barry would be reduced to attacking an officer and then trying to run away on foot. How was it that between the two of them, they did not have a single pokemon that could fly them away? Sam’s hand began lagging towards his pocket...

    “Hello there, gentlemen. I tell you, I’d kill to be your age again. Concrete steps are a bitch on an artificial knee.” The cop finally let out a smile as he strode, limping slightly, past them down the second-floor corridor. “Have a good day.”

    Sam never turned to see the officer disappear behind a corner, but when he could no longer hear the off-tempo footsteps, he felt all the air rush out of his lungs, “Ffffuuuu--”

    “I totally thought we were about to beat a cop’s butt. That was almost so awesome. So close.”

    Sam regained himself by steadying on the railing. He looked out over a sea of lazy flowers lulling in the cool air. He wasn’t about to be tricked by them again.

    “Let’s please just get out of here before my heart explodes, okay?”
    Last edited by Sid87; 8th December 2012 at 4:01 AM.


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    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Chapter 18
    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    The peacefulness of the quiet village and the hypnotic sway of the floral scenery reminded Sam of a movie he’d seen as a child, but these flowers--unlike the ones in the film--did not seem to have the nefarious side effect of putting travelers to sleep at a witch’s command.
    Wizard of Oz reference, nice way to start this off in my opinion.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    There certainly was some effect from the flowers, though. Sam had been running all-but nonstop for two days as he tried to put as much distance between himself and Canalave City as possible.
    Running from Cavalave City? What could have possibly gone wrong?

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    The Val-U-Stay seemed to be the most anonymous place in town, so he settled on that despite the unimpressive boasting on its vacancy sign. “Beds. Cable TV. Private Rooms”. They weren’t the most fascinating amenities Sam could imagine, but it did certainly beat the alternative, which was apparently having a public room with no beds.
    A room with beds is generally better than one without beds. At least according to the general public.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    “Barry, you and this ape couldn’t spell’ subtlety’ if I tattooed it on each of your foreheads. What if he made so much noise that someone--”

    “Well of course we couldn’t.”

    Sam froze and narrowed his eyes. He took a deep breath before deciding to address whatever Barry was talking about. “Couldn’t what?”

    “Spell it. I mean, if you tattooed it on our heads. Because then it would be backwards.”
    Wow, I thought I didn't miss Barry's inane dialogue. I was wrong. I love these little bits.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    There might have been more, and knowing Barry, there probably was. But Sam’s brain had deactivated as part of some kind of self-defense mechanism. All he could hear was the steady, high-pitched grunt building in the back of his throat. Sure enough, Barry’s mouth was still moving. Sam shuddered and turned to the fire pokemon; it was still licking the inside of the plastic bag.

    “Am I right?” Barry apparently concluded.

    “I--yes. That is--yes. Right. Okay. Sure. Backwards.” Sam’s brain was not offering up more than one word at a time. Disagreeing with Barry never seemed to net much gain.
    Well, at least Sam found a way to deal with it. Good for him, one can only take so much direct exposure to stupidity before it permanently effects the mind causing general degradation of logic and the ability to make rational decisions.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    And back home to Goldenrod City, empty-handed? That was simply out of the question. His brain pressed him, Where are you going, Sam?
    Sam's thoughts would read better in italics, which I have added.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    “No word today to follow up yesterday’s report of a violent kidnapping in Canalave City. Samuel Stark of Johto, pictured right, was abducted from the Phoenix Shipping Corporation Building in Canalave by accused eco-terrorist Barry West, pictured left. In the middle of the afternoon business day--”
    Well, that's a twist. Of all the things I pictured Mr. Alonzo doing after Sam discovered Barry, this wasn't one of them. Though it honestly makes sense as long as Sam and Barry remain on the lam.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    “Who corroborated that? Who possibly--” Sam’s words died with the dawning of a realization. “What the hell kind of game is Alonzo playing here?”
    Sam, I've been asking the same question since he introduced himself in the Snowpoint hospital.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    “According to Phoenix Corporation President, Henrique Alonzo, Barry West is dangerous, possibly disturbed, and prone to violent, destructive outbursts. He is responsible for millions of dollars of damaged property, and he allegedly made an attempt on the lives of several Phoenix employees off the coast of Snowpoint City.”

    “Well, okay. Most of that one is true...”
    Gonna have to agree with Sam here.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post

    “I’m gonna terrorize all the ecos!”
    And quote of the chapter goes to Barry.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    “--still awaiting official word from Sinnoh’s Secretary of Pokemon Affairs, Professor Rowan. Professor Rowan is the legal guardian of Barry West, and previous attempts to contact him have been politely declined, though Professor Rowan did state the accusations against Mr. West are absurd, and he’d be calling a press conference tomorrow morning to directly address the concerns.”
    Again, I must point out the idea of the regional Professor being a government figure. I have not seen it used in any story I've read lately, and definitely not to the degree you have.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Sam lowered his face down into his hands and rubbed his eyes until he saw sparks dancing in his eyelids. The news report had been, of course, untrue. Sam did not find Barry trying to break into the building; he found him there being held in the boiler room against his will. It had become apparent to Sam then that when Sam had left Barry in Snowpoint with Mr. Alonzo, the latter held onto Barry, labeling him as some kind of threat. It was another in a long line of mistakes Sam had made lately, but he immediately decided to make up for it by taking Barry as far from Henrique as possible. Since charging out of the Phoenix Corporation Building after rescuing Barry and gathering up their friends, Sam had been so frazzled he had not stopped to consider what would be best for Barry.
    Well, a basic summery of what happened to Barry after Snowpoint and over the last two days. Though I wondered why Mr. Alonzo marked Barry a threat, I get it now. Closely tied to Professor Rowan, and a destructive nature. With Barry having both these traits, I'd label him a threat to my evil plans as well.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    “Yeah, but no. Did you miss the part where I’m taking you back to Sandgem so you can clear your name?”

    “I did, but that was the boring part of the plan that I’m ignoring. So we’re going to Valor together instead. Besides, I’d be the worst kidnapper ever if I just let you wander off on your own. Mean, who does that?”
    Wow, just wow. I'd seriously start contemplating how best to murder Barry if I were Sam right now.
    And yeah, he would be the worst kidnapper ever.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    “Did you miss the part of the story where you’re my hapless victim? You can tell the police the truth if it came to that. Besides,” Barry slapped Sam’s shoulder, “do you really think the prof would let me rot in jail? That’s kind of the point of having powerful friends and family.”
    I gotta admit, in theory, it sounds pretty good. In reality, however, I know it's far harder than it looks, Barry.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    But maybe there was more, Sam thought. Maybe Barry was in tune to how much Sam felt he still needed to make up to him. It had, after all, only been a few days since he’d physically assaulted Barry, humiliated him, stole his friends, and left him at the mercy of someone like Henrique Alonzo. One little rescue hardly made up for that.
    He's probably in it for the action, Sam.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post

    “Hello there, gentlemen. I tell you, I’d kill to be your age again. Concrete steps are a ***** on an artificial knee.” The cop finally let out a smile as he strode, limping slightly, past them down the second-floor corridor. “Have a good day.”
    Well, that's certainly an anti-climax. Two paragraphs leading up to it, and then nothing. Am I a bad person for wanting to see them beat up an old cop?

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    “I totally thought we were about to beat a cop’s butt. That was almost so awesome. So close.”
    It was close, and I wish it had gone another way, but I'm sure we'll be seeing more violence in the future.

    Yes, this chapter suffered from being short, but it kinda made up for it with Mr. Alonzo's false accusation of Barry kidnapping Sam. That promises to make future chapters very interesting.

    Anyways, I did not see any glaring mistakes, so good for you. I enjoyed Barry and Sam's dialogue as I always do, though I kinda expected Barry to be a little more traumatized from being held against his will in a boiler room. I think you could have done something with that and his character instead of him immediately return to his usual self.

    Well, that about ends my comments. I look forward to the next chapter, and your review.

    Knightfall signing off...

  17. #167
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    Floaroma Town was barely an outskirt of a suburb, a small stopover village nestled in the woods at the bottom of Mount Coronet. In comparison, Celestic Town may well have been a bustling center of trade. But where Celestic was surrounded by perpetual mountain haze, looming pine trees, and a jagged, knife-like terrain that combined to cause Sam to fear for his life at the movement of his own shadow, Floaroma Town was much more sleepy and calm. The village was literally alive with colors; flowers bloomed from the east end to the western highway out towards Eterna City, and roads and walkways were shaped windingly around their beds so as to molest them as little as possible.
    Beautiful description, and a good way to start out the chapter—with imagery and a sense of what the tone will be like for the chapter.

    “Barry, you and this ape couldn’t spell’ subtlety’ if I tattooed it on each of your foreheads. What if he made so much noise that someone--”
    Misplaced apostrophe.

    “According to Phoenix Corporation President, Henrique Alonzo, Barry West is dangerous, possibly disturbed, and prone to violent, destructive outbursts. He is responsible for millions of dollars of damaged property, and he allegedly made an attempt on the lives of several Phoenix employees off the coast of Snowpoint City.”

    “Well, okay. Most of that one is true...”

    “I’m gonna terrorize all the ecos!”
    Made me lol in real life.

    “I totally thought we were about to beat a cop’s butt. That was almost so awesome. So close.”
    Yes, Barry, I’m sure you would have loved that.

    A good, short chapter. Good dialogue, good description, and so forth. Not a lot happened, but it was enjoyable to read nonetheless.

    | survival project |
    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | complete |


    | flying in the dark |
    | he's hiding something. she just doesn't know it. |
    | on hiatus|


    | love and other nightmares |
    | limited time, limited abilities. kyurem says she can be cured in exchange for saving those who need saving. |
    | chapter 3 released 11/22/14 |


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    Quote Originally Posted by diamondpearl876 View Post
    A good, short chapter. Good dialogue, good description, and so forth. Not a lot happened, but it was enjoyable to read nonetheless.
    I really DID want more to happen, but I didn't want to be working on this chapter forever, so I had to cut it off. Things will be picking up soon-ish!

    Quote Originally Posted by Zibdas View Post
    Confound it, cliffhangers! Regardless, I apologize profusely for posting late, I'm a horrible procrastinator. Regardless, I'll just reinforce the obvious; your writing skills are amazing, and I was on the edge of my seat for a good bit of this chapter, looking forward to the next one.
    Thank you a bunch, and I'm glad you liked it! Happy to have you aboard!



    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall View Post
    Wizard of Oz reference, nice way to start this off in my opinion.
    Glad you noticed. I was happy with it, too. I could never NOT think of that in Floaroma.

    Sam's thoughts would read better in italics, which I have added.
    It's just a preference thing. I have an odd disdain for italics in the middle of writing. I feel like it distracts and draws the eye and thereby makes everything around it weaker. I know a LOT of people prefer it (and others have recommended that in this story), but it's just not my flavor.

    Well, that's a twist. Of all the things I pictured Mr. Alonzo doing after Sam discovered Barry, this wasn't one of them. Though it honestly makes sense as long as Sam and Barry remain on the lam.
    Happy it was a surprise then!

    And quote of the chapter goes to Barry.
    I liked it, too.

    Again, I must point out the idea of the regional Professor being a government figure. I have not seen it used in any story I've read lately, and definitely not to the degree you have.
    Thanks!

    Well, that's certainly an anti-climax. Two paragraphs leading up to it, and then nothing. Am I a bad person for wanting to see them beat up an old cop?
    It was, admittedly, anti-climactic, yes. I felt like this chapter lost momentum as I rounded it out, but I was trying to shoehorn in yet another display of Sam's frazzled state of mind.

    Anyways, I did not see any glaring mistakes, so good for you. I enjoyed Barry and Sam's dialogue as I always do, though I kinda expected Barry to be a little more traumatized from being held against his will in a boiler room. I think you could have done something with that and his character instead of him immediately return to his usual self.
    You're right, and I know. Barry's got some stress backlash coming later. But right off the bat, it was just too damn tempting to have a good ol' Barry-bein'-Barry chapter after having him written out for the last 5 chapters or so. But after 3 or 4 days locked up alone, I figured Barry just needed to ramble on and drive someone nuts again more than anything!

    Thanks for your thoughts, as always!


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  19. #169
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    Floaroma Town was barely an outskirt of a suburb, a small stopover village nestled in the woods at the bottom of Mount Coronet
    Hmm, after the cliffhanger that you presented us with at the end of the last chapter, this kinda surprised me. To be honest, I was more excited than usual for this chapter because of the fact that I was gung-ho about finding out what was behind that door. I'm commenting while I'm reading so if the answer to what's behind the door presents itself, I'll comment on it. You're not really the type to leave holes in chapters so I'm sure you'll bring it up, I just felt like it may have worked better if it was presented at the beginning.

    The peacefulness of the quiet village and the hypnotic sway of the floral scenery reminded Sam of a movie he’d seen as a child, but these flowers--unlike the ones in the film--did not seem to have the nefarious side effect of putting travelers to sleep at a witch’s command.
    Nicely done there, really eloquently written. Your ability to portray surrounding's is evolving quite pleasantly compared to what you started out with in the first chapter. I feel like the word's hypnotic and sway go really well together, and for a moment I hovered over them and kept reading it over; nicely done. And what movie are you referencing with the witch comment? It sounds familiar but I can't be sure lol

    but he realized he never claimed to be a botanist
    That made me actually lol

    Damn it! I had soup in there!”
    Shouldn't that be, dammit?

    Sam’s brain was not offering up more than one word at a time
    That was a funny observation there, and true to life; I've been in that situation before lol

    “Eco-terrorist?” Barry mused, his breath chortling out through his nose.
    Lmao it makes sense that they would try to quantify his behavior in a way that the public would readily identify with. Eco-terrorist sounds like he's bombing cities with apple seeds. I love it

    The news report had been, of course, untrue. Sam did not find Barry trying to break into the building; he found him there being held in the boiler room against his will.
    Nicely done, and I feel like as soon as Barry was introduced in this chapter, I knew what was in the boiler room, especially thinking back to Monfero's crazy antics trying to get in there. The was you presented it in the quoted portion above was effective, but I still hold to the thought that it may have worked a little better if it was spoken on earlier. Hell, even one line of dialogue could have put the point across if it was used in the beginning of the chapter. Excuse my rambling, you did a great job. Yay, Barry's back!

    “Well, we could, but I can’t promise not to blow up a tree on the way
    Lmao, what a smartass

    As diamondpearl said, it was a little shorter than usual. Surprisingly though, it didn't take away from my enjoyment of the chapter, as it sometimes does when other author's make a chapter shorter than they usually do. Rather, you delivered some important points and set a new goal, while all the while holding the chapter together with Sam and Barry's witty dialogue. To be honest this is probably one of the best chapters you've put out in awhile. In addition to making me excited about the next chapter, I'm starting to cook up some really fun theories. Good job!

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
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  20. #170
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Chapter 18
    Hmm . . . not sure about the idea to start off after a cliffhanger with the aftermath of the action instead of the action itself. These sorts of transitions can work, but I’m not sure about it here, especially after Sam’s pokémon all becoming separated seemed (at the time) to be setting up for a situation where their being scattered could be problematic for Sam which is instead resolved by saying “they gathered up their friends on the way out”.

    It looks like you were doing this to keep the mystery of what Sam discovered a secret for just a bit longer, but I think you could have had a similar (though not the same) effect if you showed the escape and ended the scene when they got out of the building, then cut to two days later in Floraroma with a bit of mystery about whether Sam and Barry were still together or not until he gets back to the room.
    The peacefulness of the quiet village and the hypnotic sway of the floral scenery reminded Sam of a movie he’d seen as a child, but these flowers--unlike the ones in the film--did not seem to have the nefarious side effect of putting travelers to sleep at a witch’s command. A witch would have been the least of Sam’s concerns at the moment, anyway.
    I wonder if the Wizard of Oz reference was intentionally linked to the theme of the fic? Or was it just a coincidence?

    The Scarecrow is seeking a brain. Brain = Uxie.
    The Tin Man is seeking a heart. Heart = Mesprit.
    The Lion is seeking courage. Courage (considering the lake is called Lake Valor) = Azelf.

    Sam found himself mesmerized in place and admiring the intertwining of a bush of red flowers with another bush of yellow flowers (Sam was humbled by being incapable of naming the plants, but he realized he never claimed to be a botanist) when the proprietor of the Val-U-Stay emerged from the front office to sweep the sidewalk. The sight of her brought him back to reality; he pulled the brim of the ballcap he had lifted from a gas station outside Jubilife City down to cover as much of his face as possible and nodded at her as he hurried away up the stairwell to the second floor.

    Sam pushed open the door to room seventeen and was almost immediately tackled by Monferno, causing the bag of convenience store delicacies he had left the motel room for in the first place to scatter to the ground.
    Yeah, I once again think that showing the escape wouldn’t have hurt the reveal of Barry at all. They could have made it outside, heard the sounds of Phoenix Shipping employees chasing them or something, and then cut to this (possibly within this same chapter), leaving the reader to wonder if Barry might have been recaptured until he appears here. Just a thought.

    “Damn it! I had soup in there!” Sam cried in frustration as Monferno rubbed his face on Sam’s chest. “Why is he even out of his ball?”

    “Well he’s hungry, too. And he doesn’t like being cooped up in his ball anymore than we like being cooped up in a motel room.”
    Or a boiler room, huh Barry?

    Monferno bounced from Sam’s body and began sniffing around the fallen bag. Sam saw the monkey begin licking at it and knew right away that the lid must have come free from the soup. So much for dinner, he thought. “Barry, you and this ape couldn’t spell ’subtlety’ if I tattooed it on each of your foreheads. What if he made so much noise that someone--”

    “Well of course we couldn’t.”

    Sam froze and narrowed his eyes. He took a deep breath before deciding to address whatever Barry was talking about. “Couldn’t what?”

    “Spell it. I mean, if you tattooed it on our heads. Because then it would be backwards.”

    Sam felt his eyes begin to water. “I--what now?”

    “If you tattooed it on our heads and we looked in the mirror to see how it was spelled, it’d be all backwards. Then there’s the fact that I’m pretty sure Monferno can’t spell words anyway--”
    Barry’s sort of off in his own world sometimes, and always funny.
    “I guess I’ll get a towel to clean that up,” Sam said, letting his eyes linger on Barry for a few moments as he started towards the bathroom.

    Barry was undeterred, and only pressed his palms downwards. “I’ll hold everything down here,” he answered as if the duty were vitally important.
    Not only can he not spell it, but subtle hints don’t work with him either.

    His eyes caught the light coming through the window, and Sam could not help but wonder who would put a window in a motel bathroom?
    Fire regulations, probably. Had to get enough windows in somewhere.
    “No word today to follow up yesterday’s report of a violent kidnapping in Canalave City. Samuel Stark of Johto, pictured right, was abducted from the Phoenix Shipping Corporation Building in Canalave by accused eco-terrorist Barry West, pictured left. In the middle of the afternoon business day--”

    “What the hell?” Sam squinted at the report as if he could see beyond it to something else.

    “Eco-terrorist?” Barry mused, his breath chortling out through his nose.

    “--witnesses have corroborated the story that Mr. West was trying to break into the building through the basement. When Mr. Stark allegedly caught him in the act, Mr. West took him hostage and fled the city, possibly aboard a ferry or cargo ship. If you see either of these men--”

    “Who corroborated that? Who possibly--” Sam’s words died with the dawning of a realization. “What the hell kind of game is Alonzo playing here?”
    I’m guessing the presentation of Sam as a victim rather than a co-conspirator is because Alonzo still wants to use Sam and either doesn’t want the complications of getting Sam out of prison or is trying to send an “invitation” of sorts to him by hinting that he doesn’t blame him for Barry’s escape.

    Barry’s thought process is amusing, as usual.

    “Well, we could, but I can’t promise not to blow up a tree on the way. Because that’s what I do, you know?”

    “That’s not even what it--no, come on. We’re not that far off. We can get you back together with Rowan by tonight if we push it. Then you can go out there with him tomorrow and say what’s really going on. With you, with me, with Alonzo. The whole truth.”

    Barry scratched his cheek. “Yeah, that’d be pretty neat. You, me, and Rowan all at a podium together, being all like 'Mr. Alonzo is a dick’! Let’s see what he has to say in response to that, right?”
    I never want to see Barry as a diplomat.
    “Right...,” Sam looked down at the carpet and saw the soup stain. The mess he still hadn’t cleaned up and now would never get to. “Look, I’m not staying if we go. I’ll get you to the lab, but that’s as far as I go. Alonzo might be crackerjacks, but Rowan... he’s not exactly on my Christmas card list, either.”
    I’m not sure about the bolded part. It’s a sentence fragment, but I’m not sure if it would work better tied onto the previous sentence or if it actually does work alone to show Sam’s frazzled thoughts. I’d personally tie it to the previous sentence, though.

    Sam’s instant was rebuttal was that they were the same thing, but he kept it to himself. Had Barry heard anything else he said, or was Sam basically just talking to the cold stain on the seafoam green carpet?
    The bolded part just does not read well. I think you may be missing a word or two in there.

    “So where are you going? After dropping me off, that is.”

    Sam looked over his right shoulder as the answer sprang to him. “Lake Valor. Verity is too close to Canalave, and Acuity is too risky if Henrique ends up back at his little resort. I’m going to find Lake Valor and see if any of the guardians returned there. They’ll be willing to help me; I saw that in them. It’s what I have to do.”
    Of course, considering Alonzo has two “bases” near two lakes, I would imagine Sam will discover the third isn’t quite as safe as he thinks it is.

    “I did, but that was the boring part of the plan that I’m ignoring. So we’re going to Valor together instead. Besides, I’d be the worst kidnapper ever if I just let you wander off on your own. Mean, who does that?”

    “Barry, this is serious.”

    “I don’t do serious.”

    “I saw you arguing with Mr. Alonzo over the proper care of legendary pokemon.”

    Barry rolled his eyes as if the memory was damaging to his reputation. “Sometimes I do serious. Irregularly, at best.”
    Yep, this exchange has Barry all over it. Very fun to read.
    Sam froze, and his brain tried to process an ocean of possibilities. The motel manager must have recognized him and called the police in to investigate the room. Or someone at the convenience store saw him; maybe he was caught on the surveillance video there. Would he have to explain to the cop the situation and tell him the truth about Barry? There didn’t seem to be any way the officer would believe him. He’d probably just chalk it up to Stockholm Syndrome or something.
    And Sam’s being his own worst enemy again.
    “I totally thought we were about to beat a cop’s butt. That was almost so awesome. So close.”

    Sam regained himself by steadying on the railing. He looked out over a sea of lazy flowers lulling in the cool air. He wasn’t about to be tricked by them again.

    “Let’s please just get out of here before my heart explodes, okay?”
    And now he’s on the run with a kid who thinks more danger = more fun. Lucky Sam.

    Overall, this was enjoyable, and I didn’t see much that needed fixing. I do think putting the escape itself into the chapter at the beginning before cutting to Floraroma might help matters, but it can still work without it, I guess. Though it seems a little . . . anticlimactic, I guess, after the set up of the pokémon becoming separated when Sam finds Barry.

    I don’t know why, but it crossed my mind as I was reading this chapter that Sam hasn’t had a flashback about Tommy in a while. I’m not really sure what it means story-wise, but I just thought of it as I was reading.
    Oh, look! I wrote a fanfic! Weak (One-Shot. Rated G). Can Iris convince Bianca that she can't just avoid her problems?

    And another one: Mischief (One-Shot. Rated G). A little fun for October.

  21. #171
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    Feels bad to reply with not as lengthy responses as everyone else, but everyone else pretty much said what I was thinking and then some.

    To re-iterate though, writing in the escape scene would have been nice, as the teansition seems abrupt even for a change in chapter, a flashback would also be suitable with the good ol' line "and trying to remember how they got into this situation in the first place..." -queue flashback-

    Also, Barry seems strangely happy and excited, considering what happened just a few days ago.

    Looking forward to another chapter or the missing scene, keep it coming.


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  22. #172
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    Nicely done there, really eloquently written. Your ability to portray surrounding's is evolving quite pleasantly compared to what you started out with in the first chapter. I feel like the word's hypnotic and sway go really well together, and for a moment I hovered over them and kept reading it over; nicely done. And what movie are you referencing with the witch comment? It sounds familiar but I can't be sure lol
    Wizard of Oz! And thank you very much!

    As diamondpearl said, it was a little shorter than usual. Surprisingly though, it didn't take away from my enjoyment of the chapter, as it sometimes does when other author's make a chapter shorter than they usually do. Rather, you delivered some important points and set a new goal, while all the while holding the chapter together with Sam and Barry's witty dialogue. To be honest this is probably one of the best chapters you've put out in awhile. In addition to making me excited about the next chapter, I'm starting to cook up some really fun theories. Good job!
    Thank you very much. And I apologize for the length. I REALLY wanted to get this chapter done as soon as possible since it was taking so long, so I went with a little brevity. I hope it wasn't too bad!


    Quote Originally Posted by Ememew View Post
    Hmm . . . not sure about the idea to start off after a cliffhanger with the aftermath of the action instead of the action itself. These sorts of transitions can work, but I’m not sure about it here, especially after Sam’s pokémon all becoming separated seemed (at the time) to be setting up for a situation where their being scattered could be problematic for Sam which is instead resolved by saying “they gathered up their friends on the way out”.
    Yeah, Azurus said the same thing below you. I guess it's one of those things that I really liked, but no one else did. I never had any intention of NOT time-skipping here because I like jarring the reader to make sure they have their attention. Maybe it's a cheap trick, but I like the juxtaposition of the calmness of Floaroma Town against the drama of the end of chapter 17.

    I wonder if the Wizard of Oz reference was intentionally linked to the theme of the fic? Or was it just a coincidence?

    The Scarecrow is seeking a brain. Brain = Uxie.
    The Tin Man is seeking a heart. Heart = Mesprit.
    The Lion is seeking courage. Courage (considering the lake is called Lake Valor) = Azelf.
    *shifty eyes* Yes. That is EXACTLY what I intended. Good job.

    I’m guessing the presentation of Sam as a victim rather than a co-conspirator is because Alonzo still wants to use Sam and either doesn’t want the complications of getting Sam out of prison or is trying to send an “invitation” of sorts to him by hinting that he doesn’t blame him for Barry’s escape.
    Spot on, but it's not the only or last trick up Alonzo's sleeve...

    Overall, this was enjoyable, and I didn’t see much that needed fixing. I do think putting the escape itself into the chapter at the beginning before cutting to Floraroma might help matters, but it can still work without it, I guess. Though it seems a little . . . anticlimactic, I guess, after the set up of the pokémon becoming separated when Sam finds Barry.

    I don’t know why, but it crossed my mind as I was reading this chapter that Sam hasn’t had a flashback about Tommy in a while. I’m not really sure what it means story-wise, but I just thought of it as I was reading.
    There's a very conscious reason we haven't seen much of Tommy. I'm trying to make an example of how Sam is being steered away from his purpose. He's trying hard to fight to stay on course, but the reality of helping Tommy is slipping further away as other things pile up on his mind. I'm glad you noticed! And thank you, as always, for your in-depth analysis!




    Quote Originally Posted by Azurus View Post
    Feels bad to reply with not as lengthy responses as everyone else, but everyone else pretty much said what I was thinking and then some.

    To re-iterate though, writing in the escape scene would have been nice, as the teansition seems abrupt even for a change in chapter, a flashback would also be suitable with the good ol' line "and trying to remember how they got into this situation in the first place..." -queue flashback-

    Also, Barry seems strangely happy and excited, considering what happened just a few days ago.

    Looking forward to another chapter or the missing scene, keep it coming.
    Yeah, you and Ememew really didn't like the time jump to start this scene. Might have been a swing-and-a-miss on my part, but I DID really like it, myself, and the contrast in tempos and moods that came out of it. I will absolutely be keeping the mass' opinions in mind going forward, though, and thank you for letting me know what I can do going forward to improve!


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    I've decided to stop being the worst person in the world and get back to the business of reading and reviewing this. So here I go!

    Chapter Ten:

    I think the dream sequence could’ve been spooled out and maybe tweaked some. Its best moments have kind of an off-kilter weirdness to them—a sort of forced simplicity of thought that feels like it’s trying to repress madness and that certainly works well. It follows the whole dream logic thing in that a dreaming person doesn’t question what’s going on. But I think it comes off a little rushed and in some places that quickness makes the force simplicity look like lack of detail, and the dream logic look confusing. I think the answer to that is to really create an atmosphere—embed the reader in the dream so that they feel like they’re a part of it instead of outside of it and looking over it critically. The best place to start with this is with the over-running faucet. Slowing that down, adding more detail and really giving the sense of dread and fear of the water closing in and the claustrophobic fear of drowning, would lull the reader more into the heightened emotional state of the dream. I also think Sam’s fear that the house will fill with water shouldn’t come quite so easily to him. The ease of his panic makes it really obvious that we’re in a dream, and makes for a jarringly quick transition from fake-out-not-a-dream to yeah-this-is-totally-a-dream. There are other places further along where I think slowing down and creating more atmosphere would get a better effect in this dream as well. All in all, I think the slow-drip might be better here than the sudden cascade of water. Though I like how you’re using what’s happening to Sam in the real world to inform his dream life all the same.

    I said this last time, but I’m going to say it again. I love Barry in this. SO MUCH.

    Sam rationalized to himself that it was not that he was forgetting about Tommy--he was doing this for Tommy, in fact. The goals were not mutually exclusive.
    I think you’re better off leaving the readers to make the judgment call about whether they think Sam is rationalizing or not. I think replacing it with something like “reasoned” would come off a little less… judgey? Judgey is not a word. Judgmental is. And yet I specifically did not use it!

    The man who walked through his door was not hospital staff. Immediately, Sam noticed he had the same skin tone as the men from the two crews he and Barry had encountered. He was clearly not any kind of laborer like they had been, however. He was flawlessly dressed in a pinstriped grey suit and solid red necktie. His thick black hair was meticulously styled to the right side, arching slightly upwards as it parted. No, this man certainly never worked a day of his life on a construction site. He was tall, too; at five-foot-eleven, no one had ever accused Sam of being short, but this man was a solid three or four inches larger than he. He had no facial hair, but he did have a glowing smile.
    I think this could be zazzed up with some more dynamic verbs. There are a lot of “was”es in here.

    But I am certain we can discuss whatever it is we need to like the civil gentlemen I’m sure we all are.
    Having “I am certain” and “I’m sure” in the same sentence feels a little repetitive to me. But the weasely quasi-threatening politeness comes off quite well all the same.

    Chapter Eleven:

    The idea of Pokemon being used militarily here is quite sensible and a good expansion of the world.

    It was apparently said back in those days that the Kantoan empire spread around the north more quickly than water from a spilled glass across a countertop.
    Hmm. It’s not exactly “the sun never sets on the British empire.” I don’t know, the comparison seems oddly commonplace to me, considering we’re talking about matters of war and conquering. Plus spilled water tends to evaporate. I think there are better comparisons you could’ve used here.

    I assume that these wars are taking place in the dark ol’ ages of history where “Your country. I wants it.” is excuse enough for an invasion—otherwise, I’d assume people would have a lot bigger problems with the war than simply “Pokemon should not be used as tools.”

    I love the runaway talk about flies and honey and bees and hair.

    he decided he would make snow illegal.
    A law was made a distant moon ago here. July and August cannot be too hot. And there’s a legal limit to the snow here, in Camelot~ *shot*

    …C-camelot~ *riddled with bullets*

    and nobody left their house unless they had just about chopped an entire arm off.
    Whoa, whoa! Wait! Chopped an arm of accidentally and then needed to go to the hospital to get help or chopped off their own arm because they ran out of food? I must know!

    Much like in Olivine City, I’m enjoying Sam’s reaction to the city. It’s a good way to give some description and set the scene without feeling like the story is stopping for that purpose. Also, I hate snow. It’s cold and wet and I disapprove.

    Chapter Twelve:

    Awww… I was enjoying the human drama of Sam being so focused on his goal that he’s lashing out at Barry even though Barry seems to be in the right here—and the idea of Sam possibly siding with Alonzo even though his motives are questionable and he’s been setting off my smarm alarm pretty much from the moment he opened his mouth. …I was enjoying that very human drama so much that I’m a little bummed we’re launching into a Pokemon battle. Oh well, can’t be helped. Probably just me anyway.

    Ah well, I got my human drama along with the Pokemon battle, so everybody wins. …Except Barry.

    Suspicion levels from Alonzo are pretty much off the charts now. I do hope that this isn’t the last we’re gonna see of Barry. He had a lot of great lines and brought a lot of vim and vigor to the party.

    Chapter Thirteen:

    Lovin’ the banter between Sam and Tommy. You do banter so very well, which makes me so very happy.

    I like that Sam is thinking of Rowan and Barry as being selfish—pretty much classic projection right there.

    Chapter Fourteen:

    Sam knew it was because he was not yet sure if he could trust Henrique.
    Good that Sam still has the presence of mind to doubt this man. He didn’t mention him to Rowan because he must’ve known what Rowan would think. If he knows that Rowan would smell a rat, then he must own the possibility that something is rotten with Mr. Alonzo.

    Sam snapped his fingers. “That’s right. It dawned on me when I was at his office and saw his desk. There were pictures of him with his nieces and nephews and with some friends and possibly with a...,” Sam stopped as he thought about the next word. Girlfriend? Sounds immature for a man of Rowan’s stature. Lover? Sam shuddered at that thought. Finally, he came up with an alternative. “A paramour.”
    This, Sam’s failed relationship with Allison, and Sam’s reaction to the possibility of Tommy getting a girlfriend… there’s a common thread of immaturity on Sam’s part when it comes to this subject. Not sure what it means at this point—whether it’s a character trait or a running theme that’s leading to something…

    Sam’s trying to resurrect a loved one… by putting a man he does not trust and does not necessarily know what he will do on the trail of Rowan’s loved ones. Hmmm…

    Good use of the Pokemon battle in this one. It’s a great set-up for Alonzo’s line. Sam can be as happy as he wants with his posturing, ultimately, it seems to me, he’s not really in control of this situation.

    Well, that’s about it for me tonight. I’m liking what I see here. The pace is really clipping along, which made for an easy and fun read. The drama’s really heating up too which is making things more and more interesting. Great work!

  24. #174
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    Chapter 19

    Chispa waited in silence on the other side of the sitrus bush. She stretched out her front paws and lowered her head and shoulders to the ground as she surveyed her prey, who was helplessly unaware of where she had vanished to. The lowering of her front end was countered by the raising of her hindquarters and tail, both of which wiggled with eager determination. On the other side of the bush, her foe moved his head in all directions trying to ascertain her location. The unknowing enemy turned towards the bush, and Chispa’s anticipatory twitching stopped immediately; she became as still as a tree while he glanced around her direction. The prey, seemingly convinced that the bush was no threat, turned away from it and continued his scouring the area. It was then that Chispa darted out, sank her teeth into the hapless Monferno’s tail, and disappeared back behind the safety of her shrub before he could even turn to react to his pain. Monferno yelped and turned angrily but saw nothing assailing his tail. He inspected the bush again, but still he saw no sign of the tiny Shinx. The monkey pokemon snorted in annoyance and turned away to continue looking for her.


    Sam scratched the side of his pestersome beard. “God in heaven,” he muttered aloud. “She found someone more gullible than she is.”

    Chispa and Monferno had been wrestling all day, and Sam’s Shinx finally seemed to have gained the upper-hand by using her wits against Barry’s ape. Sam had started to think from their experiences together since he caught her that if Chispa was ever forced to rely on strategy and cunning, she was doomed. But perhaps he had overestimated Monferno.

    The rest of their friends had scattered about the lake at daybreak; Bree was assailing the towering trees around them looking for nectar--Sam knew she was still above him by the occasional falling of leaves that signified she must have found herself offended by a particular branch--while Vlam, Torterra, and Empoleon went off to enjoy the beachside of Lake Valor. It was no surprise that Empoleon and Torterra would enjoy the water--Empoleon was, of course, a water-type, and Torterra would simply enjoy lapping up lakewater to nourish the vegetation on its back--but Sam figured Vlam went with them simply to not be around the comparatively more combative Bree, Chispa, and Monferno.

    Sam’s scratching at his beard grew more furious; he could not imagine why anyone who ever choose to grow such a nuisance if they were not forced to. Since finding out days before that his cell phone’s battery had long-since died without a fresh charge, he’d contemplated breaking the device into pieces to see if he could make anything sharp enough to shave with, but for the moment he merely settled on frustrated scratching.

    It had been, by Sam’s estimate (and time-telling grew more difficult the more days that passed), about two weeks since he’d found Barry in Canalave. Getting nearly all the way across the continent of Sinnoh was quite a hassle when Sam had deemed all modes of public transportation too risky, so travel went quite slowly. At one point, they stowed themselves away between the railroad cars that transported coal through Mount Coronet to the eastern cities from Oreburgh; Barry had been quite convinced they needed to cut holes in their clothes and sing railroad songs, but Sam was happy to discover Barry actually had no idea what a “railroad song” might be. And thus ended their possible tenure as hobos.

    After abandoning the train car in Pastoria City, it was less than a full day’s hike to the lake. Unfortunately, as was the case with Lake Verity, finding the lake did not immediately equate to finding any of the legends. Sam, Barry, and their friends spent day and night at the lake, but they saw little more than the Magikarp within it swimming peacefully and some squirrel-like electric types Sam recognized as Pachirisu. Magikarp were all-too common back home in Johto, but the snow-white Pachirisu with their cyan stripes down their tails was something he’d never seen in person. Cute though they were, they were not what he was there for.

    More leaves fell from the tree above him, and when Sam looked up to see if Bree needed any help, he noticed the sun was off to the west. Barry had been gone half the day since he decided to investigate as much of the lake’s southern shore as he could before night fell, and now night was falling. They were still, as far as Sam knew, a kidnapper and a missing person; any number of people could have come across Barry, recognized him, and called in the authorities. For all Sam knew, Barry was in custody at that very moment...

    “Damn this lake is huge, buddy. I have no idea how far I made it today, but it wasn’t to the other side, that’s for sure.”

    Thank god, Sam thought upon hearing Barry’s voice as the latter appeared through the trees. It was, Sam thought, probably the first time he’d had such a thought regarding Barry.

    ”Maybe we should move camp and go a little ‘round the lake each day?”

    “Don’t worry about it,” Sam waved at him. “I’m sure if the legends are even here, they’ll always be on whatever end of the lake we aren’t.”

    “Optimism!”

    “It’s realism.”

    “I know, I was being sarcastic.”

    Sam looked out across the lake. He saw a few miniscule ripples form from what must have been tiny bugs landing on the surface, but aside from that, it was peaceful. No sign of anything unusual at all.

    “Why don’t you hate me?”

    Sam wasn’t sure why he had asked the question, but it was one that had been bothering him for days. He had, perhaps, previously been afraid that asking it would remind Barry that he should not want anything to do with Sam since the events in Snowpoint. In that moment, though, with the waning sun and the calm of Lake Valor, the question came more easily.

    “What do you mean?”

    Sam felt his chest sink; he was hoping he would not have to go into the details. “I pretty much out-and-out attacked you in Snowpoint. And then I left you with a psychopath who would go on to lock you in a basement. So what are you still doing with me?”

    “Well, I--”

    “Don’t make a joke about how you’ve kidnapped me as part of some eco-terrorism plot and can’t let me go.”

    Barry made a whine of complaint, but then fell silent for a moment. “You saved me from the Phoenix Corp. So that evens stuff out, right?”

    “Not the part where I tackled you through a door and defeated and stole your friends.”

    “Well, I was in the basement a long time...”

    “Why?”

    Barry sighed. “You really want the serious adult conversation here, huh? Damn. What the hell, man? You were mad, and you lost it. We’ve all been there. I’m not going to bust your chops over it forever, okay? You seem pretty sorry about it.”

    Sam nodded; he was sorry. He opened his mouth to affirm it, but Barry continued on.

    “I mean, I was kind of a jerk, too. I would have done the same thing. I lied to you, man. Straight up. I knew what Rowan had done with the legends, but I ran you around a bit to mess with you and never told you what I knew. Jerk move.”

    “Why do you say that?”

    “Sam, dude, you are trying to save your brother’s life. But I didn’t know that. When I met you, you were just some idiot who came here trying to steal our legendary pokemon. I didn’t know nothing about you, so I screwed around with you. And then, yeah, prof and I used you to help out with something that we needed looked at and made you put Tommy on the back burner. And the whole time you did it because you thought it’d eventually save your brother anyway. And we, like, actively kept you from the thing that could save him. Hate you? I don’t know why you still don’t hate me.”

    Sam nodded slowly; he had been so wrapped up in his own guilt that he had not even considered that Barry felt any remorse over the ordeal. “What changed your mind about me?”

    “It was,” Barry said, tapping his lower lip, “when you kept going on about Tommy to me while we were on the boat to Lake Acuity. I just thought, ‘wow, this guy really cares about his brother’. But what was I supposed to do? You already thought what Rowan wanted you to. Was I supposed to be all ‘oh, I forgot to tell you that we’ve totally been lying to you’? Nah,” he shook his head, “I was just trying to find the right time to, like, accidentally put you on the right track after that. Get you to the trio in a way that didn’t show I always knew where they were.”

    Barry turned toward the lake, away from Sam, and his voice slowed down more than Sam had ever heard it do so before. “You were doing it for your brother, and you know what? If there was a pokemon out there that could bring my parents back, I’d tell Professor Rowan to go eat his whole philosophy, and I’d do whatever it took to get them back.” Barry lifted his head upwards. “Rowan’s still right, but you know what? Screw him. I’d do it.”

    “I still shouldn’t have taken your friends.”

    “That was pretty sucky. I thought you were going all supervillain on me there, really.”

    Sam shrugged. “It just seemed perfectly rational at the time. I beat you in battle, so I was taking them away as penance for your lying to me. I was really out of it in the moment.”

    “That’s what I get for letting you win.”

    Sam could not contain that chuckle that built within him. “Let me win? I think you’ll remember I beat you fair and square. Search your feelings; you know it to be true.”

    “Yeah, like when I saved Chispa’s butt at the expense of Monferno’s, right?”

    “That’s ‘cause Chispa’s cute. That’s, like, ninety percent of her offense so far.”

    Barry tilted his head into a half-nod. “Whatever, I totally jobbed myself out to make you feel better.”

    “Anytime you want a rematch, we can see about that.”

    The thudding sound of Torterra’s footsteps alerted the two of them that their friends had returned from the lake. Vlam was stepping sideways away from Barry’s pokemon, and the three were eyeing each other uncertainly.

    “No no no,” Sam said calmly. “Not now or anything. Don’t worry, no one’s fighting. Just maybe,” he turned towards Barry and grinned with just one side of his mouth, “someday.”

    “You know it.”

    Apparently reassured, and not looking forward to any more altercations between their trainers, Vlam, Empoleon, and Torterra proceeded the rest of the way up the path to the clearing in the woods. Vlam, as she was often happy to do, found the sunniest spot left before night came and settled into it; Empoleon and Torterra approached Barry with pleading in their eyes for whatever berries they could get out of him for dinner. With those three being back and ready for dinner, Sam separated Chispa from Monferno and called for Bree to come out of the tree. She emerged from the leaves with a branch seemingly stuck under her right wing, but as she flew down to the group, she shook it loose right over Monferno’s head, plopping down onto him. Sam soured his face at her, but she did not seem affected as she landed, buzzing whimsically, on his shoulder. Barry had not seemed to catch what she did, or if he had, he was choosing to ignore it.

    Dinner had been a scarce treat for them by that night. Barry and Sam were relegated to finding little hole-in-the-wall gas stations and convenience stores with minimal clientele to get what they could without being recognized, but they’d quickly ran out of cash after the first few days out of Canalave. Sam had decided that using either debit or credit cards was out of the question; it was too much to risk that there might be a trace out for any of them. That left them with two options: scavenging wildlife and shoplifting. Neither Sam nor Barry found either option particularly attractive, but they convinced themselves they would find a way to pay back any items they took on their way. After their friends gathered around for mealtime, Sam opened his backpack--itself an item he’d snatched from a department store in Eterna City--to see what they still had available besides the row of sitrus bushes that Chispa had previously used as cover. Sam pushed aside the baggies of berries they had picked, a handful of cans of food for their pokemon, and a half dozen packages of snack cakes but found little else.

    “I’m pretty sure men and pokemon survived for centuries before the invention of shopping, but we really stink at it,” Sam mused over the limited supplies.

    “Do you think they stole from gas stations, too?”

    “I think they were a lot less squeamish about catching and eating rabbits and squirrels.”

    “But they’re so cute,” Barry whined, his voice rising at the less syllable.

    “I know. Doesn’t matter, anyway; I wouldn’t know what to do with one if I caught it.”

    Sam pulled out the snack cakes and internally made a promise never to eat sugar again if he could just make it through to his next proper meal without getting diabetes. Barry, as usual, snapped up the chocolate cakes and left the fruit-filled ones for Sam. “The nice thing about this beard is that if I get hungry later, I can search it for leftovers,” Sam noted as he removed the wrapper.

    “Oh, can I, too?”

    “Get your own.”

    Sam was definitely jealous of Barry there; despite having spent at least as much time unwashed as Sam had, Barry was as fresh-faced as a grade school kid.

    They finished their meal in relative quiet--at one point Chispa yelped when Monferno’s overly-excited tale smacked into her, and Butterfree dropped between them to give the monkey a piece of her mind, but there were no other disturbances--and by the time they were done, the sun was completely gone. Sam and Barry cleared off their patches of ground, recalled their friends into their pokeballs, and decided to call it a night.

    Barry--giving credence to the idea that human energy was a finite resource--was snoring within moments of hitting the ground. Sam lay on his back and stared at the trees and stars above him and wished it had been so easy for himself; he had usually been tired by that point in the evening, but sleep seemed a distant companion. His discomfort had surprisingly little to do with the uneven patch of ground he found himself on; it fell more from the conversation he’d had with Barry. Apparently before they even made it to Snowpoint City, Barry had not only saved Sam’s life in the ocean, but he’d been wracked with guilt over the lies regarding Sinnoh’s legends. It made his own sin at the ski resort even worse in Sam’s mind. He shook his head in disgust at the memory of attacking Barry and leaving him in the care, as it were, of Henrique Alonzo. Even with possibly all of Sinnoh looking for him and calling him a terrorist, Barry was with Sam, trying to help Tommy. These scales were not in balance; not even a little bit.

    In the distance, the sound of thunder interrupted Sam’s thoughts. Great, his mind spat, now it’s going to rain on us. As his eyes focused back on the stars, he realized there was not a cloud to be seen above them. Sam closed his eyes and listened as intently as he could; the sound rang out again, and this time, Sam visualized fireworks. Could it have been a Sinnohan holiday that Barry had not mentioned? Sam opened his eyes again and pushed himself up to his feet. He wandered several feet away from camp to where the treeline was low, and while he still occasionally, heard the sound, there were no eruptions of color and light to go with it.

    “Barry,” Sam called to his partner, but did not rouse him. He sighed and rolled his head as he walked over and kicked Barry lightly in the arm. “Wake up, Barry.”

    Barry moaned and woke up, immediately asking Sam why he’d woken him.

    “Did you hear that?”

    Barry sat upright and began listening at Sam’s question. There was another shot of far-off sound, and Barry nodded. “Yeah, what is that?”

    “I was hoping you’d know. Is it a holiday or something?”

    “No, why?”

    Sam shook his head. “I thought maybe it was fireworks. But, I don’t know, I don’t see any. So maybe it’s something else? I thought you’d know.”

    “I don’t. Well what sounds like fireworks but isn’t fireworks?”

    The riddle-like words opened a vault in Sam’s mind, and a previously hidden possibility sprang forth. His eyes widened as the answer moved to his lips.

    “Explosions.”
    Last edited by Sid87; 6th January 2013 at 1:05 AM.


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  25. #175
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    She stretched out her front paws and lowered her head and shoulders to the ground as she surveyed her prey, helplessly unaware of where she had vanished to
    You refer to Chispa’s prey as a female here, and then a male later. Might wanna fix it to whatever it’s supposed to be.

    Barry had been quite convinced they needed to cut holes in their clothes and sing railroad songs, but Sam was happy to discover Barry actually had no idea what a “railroad song” might be. And thus ended their possible tenure as hobos.
    Aw, but that would have been fun to see.


    More leaves fell the tree above him, and when Sam looked up to see if Bree needed any help, he noticed the sun was off to the west.
    Seems like you’re missing a word; should be “fell from the tree above him”

    “The nice thing about this beard is that if I get hungry later, I can search it for leftovers,” Sam noted as he removed the wrapper.
    So gross and so cute at the same time…

    The riddle-like words opened a vault in Sam’s mind, and a previously hidden possibility sprang forth. His eyes widened as the answer moved to his lips.

    “Explosions.”
    Another cliffhanger. Why do you do this to me?

    Anyway, a good chapter. The description was nice, and I enjoyed the little interactions between Sam’s team and Barry’s team. My favorite part was probably the heart to heart chat between Barry and Sam. It was nice to see Barry actually taking something seriously for once, and it shows just how much he cares about Sam. To see that the two of them are trusting each other and being with each other despite the hardships they’ve been through is also heartwarming. Keep it up.

    | survival project |
    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | complete |


    | flying in the dark |
    | he's hiding something. she just doesn't know it. |
    | on hiatus|


    | love and other nightmares |
    | limited time, limited abilities. kyurem says she can be cured in exchange for saving those who need saving. |
    | chapter 3 released 11/22/14 |


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