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Thread: Invisible (one-shot, PG-13)

  1. #1
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    Default Invisible (one-shot, PG-13)

    A one-shot I wrote when I was trying to avoid studying. Also written because I felt like being creepy. Enjoy. Rated PG-13 for some violence. Any comments are appreciated.

    - INVISIBLE;

    I would have loved you. But you have rejected me and now I will cut you into pieces all the same. Does that bother you?

    I can tell you this: you cannot walk into an abandoned building and not expect to see ghost pokémon. We thrive here because there is nowhere else to go. Our solace lies in the sick scent of death that lingers in these corridors. Our lives are protected by spirits that have no choice but to stay with us and fight the invisible fight against the living. When our home is threatened, we sneak under the building and hide. Don’t you understand that we are sometimes scared, too? We are looking for warmth and comfort, with some blood and disaster on the side to keep us completely satisfied. We want to travel with trainers, too, to see that we can be satisfied anywhere and not be confined in one place. We want to try to understand the confusing concepts of teamwork and achievement and light. Does that bother you, baby? Does it?

    I want you to take me with you and keep me warm. But you won’t. I would have loved you…

    Well, I’m not letting you leave. I’m letting you stay so that you can keep me warm with your ice cold bones.

    Your blonde hair is so pretty, baby. It’s so bright, much too bright for a place like this. I rip it out. You hold on to your head, though your hair is the least of your worries. Your eyes goes next. You’re crashing into walls and bleeding everywhere, so lost when trying to escape. Oh, how wonderful it must be to run into the solid walls, a sure sign of the reality around you. I wish that I could figure out if I’m real or not. Does being real bother you, baby? I will find out. I make you beg and scream. For your mother. For your father. For your doctor. I make you beg and scream for the person that you had hoped to be at this point in your life. Does it bother you, baby, to know that you have been waiting for the best day of your life, all the while never considering that it may have already happened?

    Scream your pokemon’s name, now, baby. They were waiting for that day with you, I’m sure. How disappointed they will be. Your pokemon’s move are powerless against me; they move right through my body. They are screaming, too. So loud. I want to hear you, not them. Does that bother you, baby? But I don’t mind, really. Teach them young, I say… I’ll teach them how to fear and cry while they’re still young. I wish that I could have joined your team, even if just for a short while. I could have observed them and learned so much. Likewise, I could have taught them many things.

    I could have taught them how there are many ways to end a life, making such a sacred concept even more fragile than expected and desired.

    There could be a simple snap of the neck. A disease whose only desire is to determine the day that you die. A pokémon attack gone awry and fired in all the wrong directions at all the wrong people. There could be the pull of a trigger and bullets that move faster than air itself, the same air that goes through so much trouble to place people in the gun's path, only to abandon them and watch them rot.

    Let it not be forgotten that your current pokémon are causing the same kind of mayhem as I am, the same kind of carnage—and perhaps even more, though you will never know or dare to ask—as you yearn for their touch, their voices, any sign of propinquity.

    Let it not be forgotten that blood—though you despise me for wanting it so much—is exactly what keeps both of you alive and breathing and together.

    Let it not be forgotten that you are trying to live in a world that can offer you nothing but misery not meant for someone so young, a constant fight against insanity, and a skeptical view on what it means to be happy.

    Let it not be forgotten that you made me this way.

    Does that bother you, baby?

    Baby?

    Why aren’t you screaming anymore?

    Your pokémon have run. Aren’t they supposed to be loyal? I would have been loyal to you.

    Baby?

    …I understand.

    Humans are ephemeral. They come and go so fast and that sometimes I think that they are all the same. I live a constant, invisible life. Humans don’t forget when they see my kind. We come from two separate worlds, baby. But still. I would have loved you. I will love you now and forever, just in a different way… with no heart and with my best interests in mind, not yours.

    Let it not be forgotten that you made me this way. You deprived me of so much potential.

    I know it bothers you.
    Last edited by diamondpearl876; 18th April 2012 at 9:02 PM.


    | she will get the truth out of him, whatever it may be. |
    | letters 13/14 released 5/22/14 |


    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | COMPLETE AS OF 8/11/13 |


  2. #2
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    Whoa... that was creepy... good job! Now get working!
    I have:
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    White 2

    I used to liek mudkipz, then I took an arrow in the knee. However the arrow turned out to be a seaking. It yelled "F*** yeah" so I screamed "FUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!". The seaking's face became that of a troll while mine became forever alone. The situation was super effective.

  3. #3
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    This is incredible. You wrote in the first person so well - reading it, it really felt like I was in the head of that Ghost Pokemon. Lovely take on the life of Ghost Pokémon as ewll, drawing parallels with less feared types. Then this bit:
    Baby?

    …I understand.
    ...was really creepy, as the fact that the Trainer is dead seems to make hardly any difference. It was brilliant the way you balanced the emotions, clearly showing us the anger of the Ghost type through the words and yet making it seem as if it cared about the Trainer's emotions as well. Amazing balance.
    And writing to avoid studying - I know how you feel. -_-
    Originally Posted by Missingno. Master
    And my authorish side must tell you that logic doesn't trump diddly in this story. Klang can fart. Plain and simple.

  4. #4
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    Glad you guys thought it was creepy, lol. That's exactly what I was going for.

    And yup, I'm sure we can all relate to school procrastination.


    | she will get the truth out of him, whatever it may be. |
    | letters 13/14 released 5/22/14 |


    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | COMPLETE AS OF 8/11/13 |


  5. #5
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    diamondpearl876 one shot whaaaaaaattt?!?! I'm so in haha

    Really nicely done. Ghost type's have always been my favorite. From the games, anime, manga, they always really struck me as being really exceptional and special in their own way. IMO, they're not given enough credit, and even less time in alot of fiction, so the story grabbed me right away. You still surprise me with every chapter of Survival Project, and this followed the same path. Extremely well written, appropriate length, and a really good concept/story for a one shot.

    A few parts that stuck out for me:

    I would have loved you. But you have rejected me and now I will cut you into pieces all the same. Does that bother you?
    Pretty epic way to start it out. That part grabbed me right off the bat.

    They are screaming, too. So loud.
    Wow, pretty big dose of righteous horror there

    Does that bother you, baby?

    Baby?

    Why aren’t you screaming anymore?
    Wow, that was pretty intense. Really gripped me. I would be lying if I said that my eyes didn't widen a bit.

    If I'm not mistaken, it never says what ghost Pokemon it is, but to me, it was a Banette (although for some reason something about this one shot makes me feel it wasn't about the Pokemon at all.) The whole time, I imagined this human hanging from their wrists by shackles halfway up a wall. Especially the parts when 'Baby' was said. That word is so intimate, and usually reserved for someone that holds real meaning to the other. Everytime the Pokemon said it, all I could see was a Banette stroking the human's cheek gently; smiling so wide that its head looked like it was seperated by a black void of painful joy. Really cool

    Nicely done!

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
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  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    diamondpearl876 one shot whaaaaaaattt?!?! I'm so in haha
    INDEED. Expect more since that's usually all I write. Survival Project is the first multi-chaptered thing I've done in years.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    Really nicely done. Ghost type's have always been my favorite. From the games, anime, manga, they always really struck me as being really exceptional and special in their own way. IMO, they're not given enough credit, and even less time in alot of fiction, so the story grabbed me right away. You still surprise me with every chapter of Survival Project, and this followed the same path. Extremely well written, appropriate length, and a really good concept/story for a one shot.
    I'm glad you liked it. It also seems as if I always happen to write characters that appeal to your favorite types or preferences. Maybe I can read your mind.

    If I'm not mistaken, it never says what ghost Pokemon it is, but to me, it was a Banette (although for some reason something about this one shot makes me feel it wasn't about the Pokemon at all.) The whole time, I imagined this human hanging from their wrists by shackles halfway up a wall. Especially the parts when 'Baby' was said. That word is so intimate, and usually reserved for someone that holds real meaning to the other. Everytime the Pokemon said it, all I could see was a Banette stroking the human's cheek gently; smiling so wide that its head looked like it was seperated by a black void of painful joy. Really cool
    Hmm, I was thinking Duskull (or evos) when I first started writing this, and then I thought Gastly since the pokedex entry says that they hide under houses during storms and such. But yeah, like you said, the species didn't matter, so Banette works too.

    I thought using "baby" as a name would be weird (and to be honest I scared the hell out of myself when I first typed it without thinking), but glad it seemed to help the overall tone. :P

    I left the imagery rather vague on purpose so the reader could fill the image in for him/herself, and you did exactly that. Awesome. :P Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading!


    | she will get the truth out of him, whatever it may be. |
    | letters 13/14 released 5/22/14 |


    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | COMPLETE AS OF 8/11/13 |


  7. #7
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    It feels as though this Pokémon has been dead for a long time. Particularly in the way it views life and death, as if it has had a very long time to think about it. It considers life to be meaningless and cheap. It also has a sadistic nature.

    This is very well done.

  8. #8
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    I enjoyed the shot a lot because I love how anger that came out of the one shot because it made the creepiness more real.


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    ...This was so creepy. I like it. Seriously, you're a pretty good writer when it comes to voice. I can see some potential. Write some chaptered stories like this, I'll support you in every way!

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  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by EternalSword7 View Post
    It feels as though this Pokémon has been dead for a long time. Particularly in the way it views life and death, as if it has had a very long time to think about it. It considers life to be meaningless and cheap. It also has a sadistic nature.

    This is very well done.
    Indeed, that description is pretty accurate. Glad you liked it!

    Quote Originally Posted by C.Gholy View Post
    I enjoyed the shot a lot because I love how anger that came out of the one shot because it made the creepiness more real.
    Glad you enjoyed it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Moonlight Absol View Post
    ...This was so creepy. I like it. Seriously, you're a pretty good writer when it comes to voice. I can see some potential. Write some chaptered stories like this, I'll support you in every way!
    I’m glad you liked it. I especially like hearing that you liked the first person voice. I do actually have a chaptered fic out at the moment; it’s not particularly creepy if that’s what you’re looking for (though there will be some creepy parts), but it is in first person and is rather serious in nature. Yay for shameless self-advertising.


    | she will get the truth out of him, whatever it may be. |
    | letters 13/14 released 5/22/14 |


    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | COMPLETE AS OF 8/11/13 |


  11. #11
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    That was amazing! I liked it alot. It was a perfect comboination of angst and tragedy, and I could feel the anger of the ghost pokemon. Sadisticly creepy, I enjoyed it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Aura Of Twilight View Post
    That was amazing! I liked it alot. It was a perfect comboination of angst and tragedy, and I could feel the anger of the ghost pokemon. Sadisticly creepy, I enjoyed it.
    Thanks, I'm glad you liked it and that you felt the anger of the ghost pokemon.


    | she will get the truth out of him, whatever it may be. |
    | letters 13/14 released 5/22/14 |


    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | COMPLETE AS OF 8/11/13 |


  13. #13
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    Move should be plural.
    Ugh, I shouldn't read scary one shots. They scare me.

    Was it just me, or did the Pokemon turn the trainer into a baby and then actually do the torture?
    I must have read some of the parts wrong, Becuase I didn't get that impression from the responses.
    Last edited by Jazz14456_Plebeian; 21st June 2012 at 11:54 PM.

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