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Thread: The serebii tale (PG-15)

  1. #1
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    Default The serebii tale (PG-15)

    Hi, this is my fanfic, the characters are based on my friends on serebii. Other members on serebii will be included! Just ask. This fanfic is rated pg to 15 due to some strong references to sex and violence.
    Here it goes! edit, this is the edited chapter.

    Chapter 1, meet Mustafa
    Mustafa woke up to the early hours in the morning, his alarm clock blaring in his ears. He stiffly got up from his bed while trying to avoid the temptation of smashing his alarm clock.
    He didn’t really feel like leaving his room, so he reached for his television remote and flicked it on. He sat crossed legged as he searched for something good to watch.
    After about twenty minutes his eyes were getting drowsy due to the boring shows on, but he suddenly shot a look of disgust as he came across what he thought was the most revolting program ever. The Pokémon Centipede.
    He was a big fan of horror films but some films made him feel uneasy. He switched of the horrible film and decided it was time to get up.
    He walked out of his spacious room, only stopping to look at his league trophy; it was awarded to him when he beat all the leagues in all regions, well, except the new Hinusia region.
    He walked downstairs and was greeted by
    Lopunny. Lopunny was one of his oldest Pokémon, due to being part of his original team. Mustafa was reminded of when he first met Lopunny, it was precisely five years ago when he snuck out of his parents’ house in jubilife city. He wandered off, not knowing where he was going, only to find himself lost in Eterna forest. He was shivering with fear while hiding in a bush, trying not to draw attention to himself. He thought he would never get back home until he found a Buneary, she provided him with berries and led him out of the forest. And ever since that day, they had been best friends.
    Now she was different though, she wasn’t much of a battler but always aided Mustafa in his jobs.
    “Lop! Lopunny!” Lopunny said as she greeted Mustafa.
    “Hi Lopunny.” Replied Mustafa as he sat down and made himself a bowl of cereal. There was sunlight shining through his window, illuminating the whole kitchen. The flower patterns on the walls were as colourful as ever, with their pink and green shadings. The handles on the cupboards reflecting the sunlight, leaving a small glint behind.
    Once Mustafa finished eating he left Lopunny and headed for the garden, where his proper Pokémon team awaited him. This team was the one he had used to defeat all the leagues. He opened the door leading to the garden and was greeted by his Pokémon. Infernape, Metagross, Tyranitar, Excadrill, Shuckle and Blissey. All of them where busy training, practising their moves while improving their skills. He approached his Metagross, who was busy practicing his meteor mash.
    “hey buddy, ready for our battle with Kevin?” asked Mustafa, pleased with his Pokémon’s progress.
    “Meta!” replied Metagross, nodding in agreement.
    Mustafa smiled as he took Metgross’s poke ball and called him back.
    Suddenly, Mustafa heard his doorbell ring, he realised no one was awake that early in the day, no one except Kevin.
    Last edited by Mrmuffin123; 1st May 2012 at 5:22 PM.
    "shut up!" ~ Smosh
    STEPHANOOOOOOOO!!!!!

    A very, very special credit to Rayce for giving me a timid thunderus ( the milos island one too.) after seeking it for half a year. He really did bend over backwards to get it to me, and I'm very grateful for that.

    BARRELS! >:-(
    Im a bro, are you?
    Everybody do the flop!


    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...or-Swift-Club)

    This is mine and liz azzimagicas taylor swift fan club!

    If you are a true Swiftie (a Taylor Swift fan) like me and not scared to show it, "Drop Everything Now" and copy and paste in your signature.

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  2. #2
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    There's lots of things to work on, but at the moment the main problem in my opinion is that I think the first chapter is far too short. The first chapter has to grab readers from the word go and sadly, I didn't find it interesting at all, although I think with a lot of effort that this story could be a lot better than it is now. But I've seen you comment on other fics, so my advice would be to keep on reading and writing and you will improve naturally. On the bright side, I think it's really sweet to include your friends in a fic because it shows how much you appreciate them.


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  3. #3
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    Okay then, I think I might need a bit more planning involved (I just thought "hey, let's write a fanfic!" and a couple minutes later it's finished.) I'm going to work on everything. But thanks any way. And by the way, could you specify what other things you thought were wrong with the story?
    "shut up!" ~ Smosh
    STEPHANOOOOOOOO!!!!!

    A very, very special credit to Rayce for giving me a timid thunderus ( the milos island one too.) after seeking it for half a year. He really did bend over backwards to get it to me, and I'm very grateful for that.

    BARRELS! >:-(
    Im a bro, are you?
    Everybody do the flop!


    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...or-Swift-Club)

    This is mine and liz azzimagicas taylor swift fan club!

    If you are a true Swiftie (a Taylor Swift fan) like me and not scared to show it, "Drop Everything Now" and copy and paste in your signature.

    Me,Liz azzimagica,doodlebug and dr ciel are the taylor swift fans of serebii!
    4857 4427 2582: FC for white 2

  4. #4
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    Hey dude, I got your message. It's a good start, but it's far too short, but funny you use me in your fic. :P Oh, and use more Capitols. I don't know if you use it or have it, but try Microsoft Word.


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  5. #5
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    I'm writing this fanfic out on the text box at the bottom of this page. I know it's a bit short. I always start my storys off with short starts, but short and sweet, right?
    "shut up!" ~ Smosh
    STEPHANOOOOOOOO!!!!!

    A very, very special credit to Rayce for giving me a timid thunderus ( the milos island one too.) after seeking it for half a year. He really did bend over backwards to get it to me, and I'm very grateful for that.

    BARRELS! >:-(
    Im a bro, are you?
    Everybody do the flop!


    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...or-Swift-Club)

    This is mine and liz azzimagicas taylor swift fan club!

    If you are a true Swiftie (a Taylor Swift fan) like me and not scared to show it, "Drop Everything Now" and copy and paste in your signature.

    Me,Liz azzimagica,doodlebug and dr ciel are the taylor swift fans of serebii!
    4857 4427 2582: FC for white 2

  6. #6
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    Yeah, but (and also other people surley) recommand you to use Word. It's easy, and put automatical Capitols.


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  7. #7
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    Ok then, il just be really careful to put capitols
    "shut up!" ~ Smosh
    STEPHANOOOOOOOO!!!!!

    A very, very special credit to Rayce for giving me a timid thunderus ( the milos island one too.) after seeking it for half a year. He really did bend over backwards to get it to me, and I'm very grateful for that.

    BARRELS! >:-(
    Im a bro, are you?
    Everybody do the flop!


    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...or-Swift-Club)

    This is mine and liz azzimagicas taylor swift fan club!

    If you are a true Swiftie (a Taylor Swift fan) like me and not scared to show it, "Drop Everything Now" and copy and paste in your signature.

    Me,Liz azzimagica,doodlebug and dr ciel are the taylor swift fans of serebii!
    4857 4427 2582: FC for white 2

  8. #8
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    Okay, for starters, there's this I need to point out.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mrmuffin123 View Post
    I'm writing this fanfic out on the text box at the bottom of this page. I know it's a bit short. I always start my storys off with short starts, but short and sweet, right?
    Uh-uh, you don't do that. You type out your story in a Word document, because that way, you'll have less spelling and grammar errors to deal with, and also so you won't have to feel rushed about writing a chapter. In a text box, you always have to deal with being signed out and all that.

    This also tells me you are writing this out in an effort to get your name out there quick. This is not a good sign. If you want to write about your friends here, fine, but you need to show signs you care about it, or it's not going to look good for you.

    All right, to the critique.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mrmuffin123 View Post
    Chapter 1. Meet mustafa
    Already, we have a problem.

    "Mustafa" is someone's name, thus it should be capitalized.

    Second, the period after the number "1" is rather unappealing. A colon or hyphen will suffice.

    It would also look more visually appealing if it was underlined or something, but nothing too fancy. But this is only an option.

    Now before I pick apart the story, I can see you don't have paragraphs. A block of text hurts people's eyes, so naturally, it's unwanted. Paragraphs are to be used when you're switching between a thought-process, dialogue, or when a speech gets too long.

    Mustafa woke up in the late hours of the day. He was tired as normal and felt like lingering around in his bed for a bit.
    Okay, not a bad start. I honestly think you should have some ambiance, though. You need to guide us to the main character waking up in bed. While not being overly descriptive, you can show us what his room looks like, or what the day is like outside while transitioning "through" the window into his room. Something like that. It's a bit bland to see someone waking up without something to guide us to that part.

    It's also a "telling" when we need to be "shown" what's going on.

    He fumbled around on his desk to find the tv remote.
    Should be capitalized, or written out as "television".

    Once he found it he swiped it up and switched on his telly.
    Mmm, I wouldn't use "telly" in a paragraph like that. It's more proper to just use "television" and have "telly" be used in dialogue only.

    It was a bit old his telly was.
    Talk like Yoda in description you do not.

    You got some repetition going on there. It sticks out like a sore thumb, and hurts the flow of the story-telling.

    It was a gift from his dad on his 13th birthday 2 years ago.
    In writing, numbers are written out in words and not as numbers unless they're too large to write out. In most cases, anything under "10" needs to be written out, but perhaps anything under "100" should be written out.

    After 20 minutes of flicking through channels he thought he might as well go downstairs for breakfast.
    Instead of telling us what he's doing, why not show us what's going on? Why not show us how he sits, what his facial expressions are like, anything to show us that he's getting bored.

    He caught lopunny as a buneary, she wasn't really strong but she made a great servant.
    This is an awkward sentence not because the Lopunny's a servant, but because of the way it's structured. We figured Lopunny was originally a Buneary he caught, but why not give a small back-story on their relationship? It should be no longer than a small paragraph.

    "ok lopunny, get me the usual, a slice of bread with orange juice." ordered mustafa.
    "Ok" is not okay. It needs to be written out as "okay".

    The period needs to be a comma, and Mustafa needs to be capitalized because it's a name.

    Once mustafa had finished eating he went to visit his pokemon in there garden.
    Again, you didn't capitalize "Mustafa".

    Also, that was a bad use of transition. Just because he's having only a slice of bread and orange juice doesn't mean we can't have an atmosphere. You need to show us what's going on instead of expecting us to fill in the gaps ourselves.

    His trusty metagross, his second pokemon. Infernape, his starter pokemon from professor rowan. Excadrill, his favourite pokemon from the nova reigon. Tyranitar, his prized shiny pokemon. Shuckle, his pokemon he saved from team rocket. And finally, scizor, the pokemon he received as an egg.
    That was dull, to be honest with you. I don't want to be told what they are to him, I want to know a little about the Pokémon themselves. How exactly are they important to him besides the obvious?

    Some of the names should be capitalized, by the way, I forgot to mention it with Lopunny. It may be the name of their species, but they should be capitalized when we recognize them as recurring characters. And you forgot the "u" in "Unova".

    Mustafa let them all sleep, apart from metagross, he was taking him for a battle with Kevin, his best friend.
    You didn't have to tell us this. You could've just led us up to that part, or have him explicitly tell Metagross, "Hey, buddy, ready for the battle with Kevin?" and then lead us to the battle.

    When mustafa got out of his house he started heading for kevins house.
    Why won't you capitalize the characters' names?

    And there's an apostrophe before "s", as it's a possessive term. And you also didn't have to tell us he was heading to Kevin's house, we already know the two are going to have a battle.

    Along the way he met tales. The reason behind his funny name was that his parents named him after a ninetales because that was his favourite pokemon.
    Um... what? "Tales" is the name of... an actual person? Okay, I understand that you're writing a story about your Serebii friends, but couldn't you make it a nickname instead of an actual name?

    "hey tales, heard about the battle?" asked mustafa.
    "yeah, it's proberally the craziest thing you've ever done. You know how mental Kevin is about battles? He will pulverise you!" said tales, with a grin on his face.
    "for the last time, I can easily beat him!" said mustafa sternly!
    Okay, first problem: you didn't capitalize the first words in each separate piece of dialogue.

    Second: you spelled "probably" wrong. I'll let you pass with "pulverise" since you're from Great Britain or Australia, or any places where you spell words as such.

    Third: you didn't capitalize the characters' names.

    "hi mustafa. Ready to be beaten?" taunted Kevin.
    "just you watch, you won't know what's hit you!" sneered mustafa.
    And the battle began.
    I find it hard to believe you can capitalize "Kevin" but not "Mustafa" as it's a name.

    The last sentence is fine, since you'll have a battle start at the beginning of the next chapter--hopefully.

    And after all that and the short size of the chapter, you can tell I didn't like this chapter. It's obvious you thought it up on a whim (especially since you told us explicitly you just typed it into the text box), so there's no telling what the plot will be, and you didn't bother looking it over before pressing the "submit" button.

    Please do not do that in the future, and just use a Word document. If you don't have Word or any other writing program (and Wordpad is not recommended), you can download some free programs from the Internet. You are also encouraged to go back and edit the chapter(s), even though people do generally leave it alone so we can see a due process of improvement. But in your case, you should definitely fix the chapter so you can draw in more readers.
    Winner of Best Pokémon/Pokémon Fic of 2013 in the Shipping Oscars
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  9. #9
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    Okay then, I will edit the chapter on Monday ( I will use a word document, I promise) and write the next chapter in the following week.
    "shut up!" ~ Smosh
    STEPHANOOOOOOOO!!!!!

    A very, very special credit to Rayce for giving me a timid thunderus ( the milos island one too.) after seeking it for half a year. He really did bend over backwards to get it to me, and I'm very grateful for that.

    BARRELS! >:-(
    Im a bro, are you?
    Everybody do the flop!


    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...or-Swift-Club)

    This is mine and liz azzimagicas taylor swift fan club!

    If you are a true Swiftie (a Taylor Swift fan) like me and not scared to show it, "Drop Everything Now" and copy and paste in your signature.

    Me,Liz azzimagica,doodlebug and dr ciel are the taylor swift fans of serebii!
    4857 4427 2582: FC for white 2

  10. #10
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    Okay everyone the first chapter has been edited
    "shut up!" ~ Smosh
    STEPHANOOOOOOOO!!!!!

    A very, very special credit to Rayce for giving me a timid thunderus ( the milos island one too.) after seeking it for half a year. He really did bend over backwards to get it to me, and I'm very grateful for that.

    BARRELS! >:-(
    Im a bro, are you?
    Everybody do the flop!


    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...or-Swift-Club)

    This is mine and liz azzimagicas taylor swift fan club!

    If you are a true Swiftie (a Taylor Swift fan) like me and not scared to show it, "Drop Everything Now" and copy and paste in your signature.

    Me,Liz azzimagica,doodlebug and dr ciel are the taylor swift fans of serebii!
    4857 4427 2582: FC for white 2

  11. #11
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    Good edit dude! ^^

    It's still short I think. You must minimal 2 pages with a specific font and a specific size. But the only error I saw was that there's no Capitol at "hey buddy". But it's improved now! ^^


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  12. #12
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    Thanks! This was two pages, maybe because of the font, but thanks!
    "shut up!" ~ Smosh
    STEPHANOOOOOOOO!!!!!

    A very, very special credit to Rayce for giving me a timid thunderus ( the milos island one too.) after seeking it for half a year. He really did bend over backwards to get it to me, and I'm very grateful for that.

    BARRELS! >:-(
    Im a bro, are you?
    Everybody do the flop!


    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...or-Swift-Club)

    This is mine and liz azzimagicas taylor swift fan club!

    If you are a true Swiftie (a Taylor Swift fan) like me and not scared to show it, "Drop Everything Now" and copy and paste in your signature.

    Me,Liz azzimagica,doodlebug and dr ciel are the taylor swift fans of serebii!
    4857 4427 2582: FC for white 2

  13. #13
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    Okay! I know again the font and the size! ^^ Arial, 12 pt! I think...but I think you need to watch it with Arial and 12pt, maybe you must write then more for one chapter!


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  14. #14
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    Iim done with the first chapter, any more feedback anyone?
    "shut up!" ~ Smosh
    STEPHANOOOOOOOO!!!!!

    A very, very special credit to Rayce for giving me a timid thunderus ( the milos island one too.) after seeking it for half a year. He really did bend over backwards to get it to me, and I'm very grateful for that.

    BARRELS! >:-(
    Im a bro, are you?
    Everybody do the flop!


    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...or-Swift-Club)

    This is mine and liz azzimagicas taylor swift fan club!

    If you are a true Swiftie (a Taylor Swift fan) like me and not scared to show it, "Drop Everything Now" and copy and paste in your signature.

    Me,Liz azzimagica,doodlebug and dr ciel are the taylor swift fans of serebii!
    4857 4427 2582: FC for white 2

  15. #15

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    WOW this is great! A little errors here and there but overall, I think you did a fantastic job on this.

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by XxNightShadexX View Post
    WOW this is great! A little errors here and there but overall, I think you did a fantastic job on this.

    Thank you, il try not to make slot if errors next time!
    "shut up!" ~ Smosh
    STEPHANOOOOOOOO!!!!!

    A very, very special credit to Rayce for giving me a timid thunderus ( the milos island one too.) after seeking it for half a year. He really did bend over backwards to get it to me, and I'm very grateful for that.

    BARRELS! >:-(
    Im a bro, are you?
    Everybody do the flop!


    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...or-Swift-Club)

    This is mine and liz azzimagicas taylor swift fan club!

    If you are a true Swiftie (a Taylor Swift fan) like me and not scared to show it, "Drop Everything Now" and copy and paste in your signature.

    Me,Liz azzimagica,doodlebug and dr ciel are the taylor swift fans of serebii!
    4857 4427 2582: FC for white 2

  17. #17
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    Lopunny punny!
    Come visit my pokemon.


    Pokemon Amie! YAAAAAY!!

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Diz~ View Post
    Lopunny punny!
    There will be more of lopunny, i promise
    "shut up!" ~ Smosh
    STEPHANOOOOOOOO!!!!!

    A very, very special credit to Rayce for giving me a timid thunderus ( the milos island one too.) after seeking it for half a year. He really did bend over backwards to get it to me, and I'm very grateful for that.

    BARRELS! >:-(
    Im a bro, are you?
    Everybody do the flop!


    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...or-Swift-Club)

    This is mine and liz azzimagicas taylor swift fan club!

    If you are a true Swiftie (a Taylor Swift fan) like me and not scared to show it, "Drop Everything Now" and copy and paste in your signature.

    Me,Liz azzimagica,doodlebug and dr ciel are the taylor swift fans of serebii!
    4857 4427 2582: FC for white 2

  19. #19
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    Chapter 2, the evil of team Tekcor.
    Mustafa had no idea how Kevin managed to attract such a big crowd, there were Girls surrounding them, cheering and chanting his and Kevin’s name.
    Mustafa had decided to battle in the nearest park, there were plenty of trees allowing some good cover for the Pokémon. However the ground was covered with twigs, making it impossible to go 2 metres without making a sound.
    Mustafa took his position, firmly holding his Pokémon’s poke ball. His rival standing ten metres away from him.
    The crowd started a countdown. Once the reached zero Mustafa hurled his poke ball, with Metagross appearing out of it with a flash of light.
    “Okay, Dragonite, let’s go!” yelled Kevin as he tossed out his poke ball, with a Dragonite appearing out of it, with the sun glistening on its scales.
    The crowd gasped as the Pokémon were revealed, for a moment there was silence, but then Kevin decided it was time for it to break.
    “Okay, Dragonite, let’s start with a dragon dance!” ordered kevin.
    “Dragon! Dragonite!” said Dragonite as a cloud of dust began to whirl around it, completely concealing the Pokémon. Once the cloud cleared the Dragonite burst out of it, now looking much tougher than before.
    “We’ve got a chance! Use meteor mash!” yelled Mustafa.
    Metagross did so, charging into Dragonite, the power being boosted by the steel gem it was concealing.
    “Dra! Dragon!” cried out the beat up creature, as it went tumbling back, crashing into a gate.
    For a moment there was silence, Kevin had his head in his hands, trying to hide the tears. Until an ear splitting cry was heard.
    There was a group of black clothed people, chaining Kevin’s Dragonite into a cage.
    “Hey! That’s my Pokémon!” screamed Kevin, as he shoved his way through the crowd trying to reach the anonymous gang.
    There were screams emitting from the crowd that were watching the battle, some ran home, some clutched their poke balls, hoping that the gang won’t come and snatch their Pokémon.
    But Mustafa just stood there, there was something familiar about one of the gang members, he knew that person from somewhere, he just couldn’t quite put his finger on it.
    Before Mustafa even knew what he was doing, he was running towards the gang, while Kevin was helplessly trying to free his Pokémon. He approached one of the Grunts; he was small in stature, with black hair, and cold blue eyes.
    “What the heck do you guys think you’re doing?” asked Mustafa sternly.
    “Mind your own business kid, we’ve got business to be done” snapped back the grunt, as he took out a phone.
    “We’ve got the pokemon sir, do you request us to return to base?” asked the Grunt, sounding totally different than he was ten seconds ago.
    There was a mumbling sound coming from the sound, but it seemed to Mustafa that the grunt could understand what it was saying.
    “Excellent, let’s get out of here boys!” ordered the grunt, as he began to break into a run.
    Mustafa approached the familiar Grunt.
    “Who are you guys? What do you want?” asked Mustafa, feeling sorry for kevin as his Pokémon was strapped helplessly in a cage.
    “The names team Tekcor kid look it up” replied the Grunt, before him and the other grunts ran off after their leader.
    Suddenly, an enormous helicopter emerged from nowhere, with the name “Team Tekcor” printed on the bottom. It released a giant chain, grappling onto the cage, as it lifted up Kevin’s Dragonite and flew off with it.
    Kevin lay on the floor, sobbing at the loss of his friend.
    “Don’t worry Kevin, I’ll get him back. I promise” said Mustafa, trying to cheer up his best friend. But he got no reply.
    He looked to the area where the helicopter had flown off to, with his words replaying in his head;
    “Don’t worry Kevin, I’ll get him back. I promise”
    Hope you enjoyed the chapter1 give some feedback andf I’ll upload the next chapter next week!
    Last edited by Mrmuffin123; 4th May 2012 at 10:17 PM.
    "shut up!" ~ Smosh
    STEPHANOOOOOOOO!!!!!

    A very, very special credit to Rayce for giving me a timid thunderus ( the milos island one too.) after seeking it for half a year. He really did bend over backwards to get it to me, and I'm very grateful for that.

    BARRELS! >:-(
    Im a bro, are you?
    Everybody do the flop!


    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...or-Swift-Club)

    This is mine and liz azzimagicas taylor swift fan club!

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  20. #20
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    Cool chapter dude! 10/10! I see no errors this time! ^^


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    Quote Originally Posted by Dialga6 View Post
    Cool chapter dude! 10/10! I see no errors this time! ^^
    ummmm.......

    “The names team Tekcor kid look it up” replied the Grunt, before him and the other grunts ran off after their leader.
    There should be a comma between kid and look. Also, DOUBLE SPACING FOR PARAGRAPHS.

    how many people forget that.

    also, why was nobody trying to stop kevin when he was trying to free his dragonite? Why didn't he pull out his pokeball and return the dragonite? It's a cage with no special properties, so the dragonite could have even broken out of the cage as he had +1 attack!

    So many unanswered questions.
    Yep we should ban baton pass, and weather too. Oh and Trick Room, I'm tired of having to worry about Trick Room all the time. Just ban the move Trick Room, and prankster, it's broken. Ban all status moves on prankster users, they're too cheap. Oh and ban Probopass to it's so cheap. Just ban everything except Magikarp with splash.
    Well, actually Blaziken isn't really Uber because some people whined about how they were getting owned by it. I mean, it doesn't stand a chance in the Uber enviroment.

  22. #22
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    All right, here we go.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mrmuffin123 View Post
    Chapter 2, the evil of team Tekcor.
    Seeing as this is the name of the chapter, there needs to be some capitalization as such:

    The Evil of Team Tekcor
    Mustafa had no idea how Kevin managed to attract such a big crowd, there were Girls surrounding them, cheering and chanting his and Kevin’s name.
    We didn't really need to be told this. You could just show us the crowd and how big it was instead of mentioning, “Oh, Mustafa had no idea about Kevin attracting a large crowd.”

    And why is “girls” capitalized? It's not a name or even the name of a group.

    Also, where the heck are your paragraphs, boy? I'll understand if you have paragraphs in your Word document, but you need a space in between paragraphs on these forums. So you're gonna have to break the normal paragraph rule specifically for Serebii.

    Mustafa had decided to battle in the nearest park, there were plenty of trees allowing some good cover for the Pokémon. However the ground was covered with twigs, making it impossible to go 2 metres without making a sound.
    Perhaps you should have a bit more description about the atmosphere and surroundings here. Also, write out the number as “two”.

    Mustafa took his position, firmly holding his Pokémon’s poke ball. His rival standing ten metres away from him.
    You got a sentence fragment here. Combine it with the first sentence, or reword it, mainly “standing” needs to be “stood”.

    The crowd started a countdown. Once the reached zero Mustafa hurled his poke ball, with Metagross appearing out of it with a flash of light.
    Okay, you forgot the “y” for “they”, and the comma after “ball” is misplaced. It needs to be after “zero”. Also, it should be “PokéBall” or “Poké Ball” (or if you can't put the accent on the “e”, then “PokeBall” works as well).

    “Okay, Dragonite, let’s go!” yelled Kevin as he tossed out his poke ball, with a Dragonite appearing out of it, with the sun glistening on its scales.
    The “withs” shouldn't be in this sentence, like, at all, unless you can rewrite that sentence.

    The crowd gasped as the Pokémon were revealed, for a moment there was silence, but then Kevin decided it was time for it to break.
    This is a run-on sentence. It can be broken into two at “revealed”.

    “Okay, Dragonite, let’s start with a dragon dance!” ordered kevin.
    Forgot to capitalize the “k”.

    “Dragon! Dragonite!” said Dragonite as a cloud of dust began to whirl around it, completely concealing the Pokémon.
    Why not just have “Dragonite let out a roar”? I don't think an actual Dragonite in the anime says its name like that.

    “We’ve got a chance! Use meteor mash!” yelled Mustafa.
    Meteor Mash is the name of an attack, so it should be capitalized.

    Metagross did so, charging into Dragonite, the power being boosted by the steel gem it was concealing.
    Mmm... I can let this pass, though it may need to be rewritten slightly. Or switch some tenses around.

    For a moment there was silence, Kevin had his head in his hands, trying to hide the tears. Until an ear splitting cry was heard.
    Gee, Kevin's a wimp, ain't he? Why cry when his Dragonite just hit a gate?

    Also, that's a sentence fragment. Add on to it, or combine it with the previous sentence (which will then need to be split into two sentences).

    There was a group of black clothed people, chaining Kevin’s Dragonite into a cage.
    ...too vague. Describe the scene, not the people.

    But Mustafa just stood there, there was something familiar about one of the gang members, he knew that person from somewhere, he just couldn’t quite put his finger on it.
    Another run-on sentence. This can be split into three sentences if you want to keep the words as they are. Otherwise, this needs to be rewritten. I don't want to be told that Mustafa knew one of the gang members somewhere, I want to see that he's looking at one of them, racking his brain for a name to the face.

    Before Mustafa even knew what he was doing, he was running towards the gang, while Kevin was helplessly trying to free his Pokémon.
    Again, a run-on sentence. But this can't be broken into two sentences without the second sentence being added on to it. So rephrase this, please.

    “Mind your own business kid, we’ve got business to be done” snapped back the grunt, as he took out a phone.
    That's some awkward speech. The grunt obviously doesn't know how to structure his sentences. It'd look better if it was this:

    Mind your own business, kid, we've got work to do.
    “We’ve got the pokemon sir, do you request us to return to base?” asked the Grunt, sounding totally different than he was ten seconds ago.
    Um... why is “grunt” capitalized now, but it wasn't earlier? You're also missing a comma after “Pokémon”.

    And describe how different the grunt sounds like, don't tell us it sounds different. We want to know how he sounds different. Is he gruff now than he was earlier? Did his voice get higher-pitched? What?

    There was a mumbling sound coming from the sound, but it seemed to Mustafa that the grunt could understand what it was saying.
    “There was a mumbling sound coming from the sound.”



    Don't you mean “phone” or “speakers”?

    And of course the grunt can understand what was being said, we didn't need to be told that. And why is “grunt” not capitalized, now?

    “Excellent, let’s get out of here boys!” ordered the grunt, as he began to break into a run.
    Mustafa approached the familiar Grunt.
    Make up your mind about whether-or-not “grunt” is a title, or just a word.

    “Who are you guys? What do you want?” asked Mustafa, feeling sorry for kevin as his Pokémon was strapped helplessly in a cage.
    Uh... why isn't he trying to stop them? His best friend's Pokémon is being kidnapped. He has a freaking Metagross. Why doesn't he sic it on them to release the Dragonite?

    And capitalize Kevin's name.

    “The names team Tekcor kid look it up” replied the Grunt, before him and the other grunts ran off after their leader.
    Make up your mind.

    And if it's title, capitalize “team”, then. And why the heck did he tell Mustafa their team name? Don't they have a sigma on their uniform or what?

    Suddenly, an enormous helicopter emerged from nowhere, with the name “Team Tekcor” printed on the bottom. It released a giant chain, grappling onto the cage, as it lifted up Kevin’s Dragonite and flew off with it.
    Um... no one saw the helicopter until just now... and it somehow got the whole team name printed on the bottom of it...

    ...

    Kevin lay on the floor, sobbing at the loss of his friend.
    “Don’t worry Kevin, I’ll get him back. I promise” said Mustafa, trying to cheer up his best friend. But he got no reply.
    In other words, “I should've done something to stop them, but oh well, sucks to be you, LOL.”



    He looked to the area where the helicopter had flown off to, with his words replaying in his head;
    “Don’t worry Kevin, I’ll get him back. I promise”
    We know that, why are you flashbacking to one second ago?

    So yeah, this was bad. Granted, it wasn't like how your first chapter was like the first time around, but there is still a lot of work to be done with how you're telling a story. There's a phrase called "show, don't tell". I mentioned it before, and it's exactly what it means. Why am I pointing it out? Because you like telling us what's going on instead of showing us. A story should be like how a movie is filmed. We need to be able to see what's going on in detail so we can step into that world. You can't expect us to fill in the gaps ourselves (though writers have done that before, but they had a reasoning for it), nor do we want to be told what's going on. We like figuring everything out ourselves, it's the same with "sight".

    So for future references, you should look at this page for more details on how to "show" and not "tell".
    Winner of Best Pokémon/Pokémon Fic of 2013 in the Shipping Oscars
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  23. #23
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    Guys, I would appreciate it if you stop tearing down my chapter and searching for errors to make me look bad. If you are going to do that, then don't read this fanfic. I will also report you. This is a fanfic for those who enjoy reading and don't mind a few errors here and there, not for people that come up with a bunch of errors. And to me its considered as spamming. As for kutie pie; I would like you to stop spamming up this tread or just stop reading at all. The way you write your little "oh I found loafs of mistakes fix then now *whine whine whine*" paragraph is full of little scentences that are just taking the mick out of me. So stop or go away, simple as.
    Last edited by Mrmuffin123; 8th May 2012 at 7:54 AM. Reason: kutie pie needs to learn her manners
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    This is mine and liz azzimagicas taylor swift fan club!

    If you are a true Swiftie (a Taylor Swift fan) like me and not scared to show it, "Drop Everything Now" and copy and paste in your signature.

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  24. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mrmuffin123 View Post
    This is a fanfic for those who enjoy reading and don't mind a few errors here and there,
    You know that you got people who enjoy reading and don't mind a few errors and that they're the ones who submitted those lengthy reviews, right? I mean, those two didn't have to spend goodness knows how much of their time reviewing your work, but they did. Moreover, they showed that they at least have a basic understanding for how literature works, which implies that they enjoy reading. The fact that they pointed out that many errors also says they prefer fanfics that are largely error-free but that they don't consider yours to be one of them. In short, you actually caught the attention of your intended audience, but the problem is... the fic doesn't deliver what that audience is expecting, sorry to say. (I can back that sentiment up, if you don't mind me saying this. As I've told you via PM, I unfortunately can't read your work in the first place because my eyes physically can't focus on text on a screen that lacks proper paragraph formatting. Skimming your work and trying my best made me tilt my head at parts. Like the mention of The Pokemon Centipede, for example. And the lack of description for the battle in chapter two for another. But those are just brief points of examples. There's a lot more I could say, but honestly, it's clear to me that you'd probably report me too for saying it.) In any case, that's why they're reacting the way they are to you.

    That being said, only person who's making yourself look bad is you, I'm afraid. I would've dropped a (polite, I assure you) review to this thread eventually, but even while considering Kutie's normally abrasive style of reviewing, seeing a writer respond to a reader with essentially "OMG HDU" is a huge turn-off for most sane, reasonable people. It says to me, as a neutral party in the whole shebang, that if I say so much as a tiny bit of concrit or if I say I didn't like your fic but provide clear and politely worded reasons to explain why and how you can make your story better, you'll report my post. Why would I bother reading if that's the kind of risk that I'm taking?
    Last edited by JX Valentine; 8th May 2012 at 8:10 AM.

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  25. #25
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    Unfortunately, you do not get to dictate what is or isn't spam. Reviewers are allowed to say what they think of your story, even if you don't like it. And believe it or not, people generally don't search for errors to make you look bad: they see errors and point them out so that you can avoid the mistake in the future and become a better writer.

    If you're really not interested in improving your work, you can disregard their attempts at helping you out, but you do not have the right to kick them out of your thread and tell them they can't voice their opinion on your story. Much less do you have the right to mock them for "whining". The rules of the fanfic forum explicitly state that authors must respect reviewers. You'd do well to read them.

    Chapter 64: Hide and Seek
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    (rough draft of the remaining chapters finished for NaNoWriMo; to be edited and posted)

    Morphic
    (completed, plus silly extras)
    A few scientists get drunk and start fiddling with gene splicing. Ten years later, they're taking care of eight half-Pokémon kids, each freakier than the next, while a religious fanatic plots to murder them all.

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