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Thread: Take Five (Collaborative)

  1. #1
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    Default Take Five (Collaborative)

    First one-shot I've ever written in my life. Feedback is greatly appreciated. (I don't think it's that bad). It's a collection of diary entries, except the last two passages. Also, this is for the trainer class inaugural. Please enjoy. PG

    Take Five

    And there it was. The dream of everyone in Unova- to work at Pokestar Studios. The bright lights, red carpets, and famous stars attracted everyone from everywhere, turning an otherwise industrial city into a cultural hotspot. And I was one of the many nominations for the top ten new actors.Let me explain. Every year, ‘they’ pick ten new actors out of possibly hundreds to star in a big movie. Whether that will be a new Brycen-Man, Full Metal Cop, or even Time Gate Traveller, it depends on your acting style. Guess which one I got in? Love and Battles. That’s right, Love and Battles.

    I worked my butt off to enter the top ten, and now I’m stuck with Love and Battles. And that wasn’t even the worst part. The worst part is my partner, Isabella.

    You know in novels, those spoiled rich kids who got into something special, but they actually just used money to get in? Yeah, that was her. She fitted the archetype “spoiled rich kid” so well that I’m now wondering if she’s actually from a novel.And so now I wait for the director to get called up. But I’m probably still screwed.

    If my future acting career fails because of my partner, I’ll probably laugh a few years from now.

    Oh wait, I’ll be dead.

    000

    Good news. Our director is Nash Herman. Yes, the guy who directed Brycen-Man and Brycen-Man Strikes Back. (anything above Strikes Back 2 isn’t even canon anyway). I guess the association felt sorry for us.

    We’re supposed to start memorizing our lines, and finish the first scene by next week. I just hope we actually finish by that time. The next Unova Film Festival is in a few months, so we’re on track for opening night!

    Knocked on Isabella’s door today, no answer. We have to live in the same set, to ‘bond’ with each other. Don’t think me and her will ‘bond’ together a lot. She’s probably memorizing her script right now, right?

    At least I hope so…

    000

    Can’t sleep. I blame those Rayquaza energy drinks.

    000

    Turns out she didn’t memorize her lines, like she was supposed to. Instead she was rewatching a movie marathon of the past seven other Love and Battles. She says she was “getting into character by analyzing past female protagonists and their behaviour.” Yeah right. Just don’t screw this up.

    Anyway, we’re starting to film tomorrow! Fingers crossed that she memorized at least one scene. I can’t be too optimistic though, like my mom always said: “Be too optimistic and when it actually happens, you’ll be unimpressed. It’ll never be perfect. Just try to make it the best you can.”

    I finally understood why my mom said that to me: to deal with assholes like her.

    000

    Today was a disaster. Absolute disaster. Total time spent today filming: 9 hours. Total film time so far: approximately forty-six seconds. (Those forty-six seconds were without her). It literally took everything in me to not quit then and there.

    Still worried about opening night, but I drank a few beers and skimmed through the script.

    Here’s to a better tomorrow.

    000

    Geez, it’s been a long time. I didn’t post a lot of new entries because she’s still failing at the lines. Fourteen minutes of footage, more than three hundred hours of working time for me. We’re doing fourteen hour shifts, that’s how badly we’re trying to make it before the deadline.

    000

    Holy crap! Because Virbank won the seed for the International Battling Championships, the film festival is getting pushed forward by two months! Now I can absolutely guarantee you that we’ll not finish by the deadline, unless, against all odds, she dies.

    And I hope she dies.

    000

    I’ve been approached by the director today, and this time it wasn’t about my ‘horrible’ acting. He asks me, if I want to fire Isabella. My dream has finally happened! The second best thing besides her dying, if I want to fire her!

    Obviously, since I’m the lead actor, I get to finalize decisions (but I don’t get to make them, which sucks). Easy decision. Her acting career is done. Now I can actually work with a woman I actually like! (That hasn’t happened since high school).

    000

    I hope it’s Sabrina.

    000

    Today was, I’d say, interesting. Isabella somehow overheard my conversation, and it doesn’t take an idiot to figure out that I didn’t like her. So she offered me a deal. And holy **** she wasn’t kidding when she said that she was rich.

    Here’s what she offered: two point five million dollars, a yacht, an arctic white Mantine Blitz (one of the high end luxury cars), and more. Now, as much as it pains me to say this, I might actually keep her in and fail the movie.

    I broke it down, and if the movie actually becomes a success, I’d still earn more revenue if I took Isabella’s deal. But can my heart stand the bribe? It’ll help my financial situation a lot (student loans suck), and my parents can retire earlier, but at what cost?

    I told Nash to wait ‘till tomorrow, and I guess we’ll see.

    000

    You know that feeling when you’re stuck between two choices, and your brain is telling you to go one way, but your heart another? That’s exactly how I felt. I felt that no matter which decision I’d end up with, I’d still regret it one way or another. Except that it wasn’t about whether I should get this brand of lotion or another brand of lotion, the fate of a whole franchise was in my hands.

    So I marched into the director’s office and sat down palms sweating, looked into his eyes. Then I said it. There was no reaction, just a nod. That was the longest minute of my life.

    The words echoed in my heads as I left. I just hope I made the right decision.

    000

    Opening night. The swath of cameras lined up to the red carpet was remarkable. The actors and actresses strided across the red carpet, waving with the usual fake smiles. Alonso walked across in his black suit, beside him his partner. Light glimmered throughout the whole stage, until the host stepped forward. It would be three hours before the new Love and Battles started.

    “Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Now, this is the brand new edition of Love and Battles, directed by award winner Nash Herman. Enjoy.” The lights dimmed, the audience quiet, and the opening scene started.

    000

    The credits rolled. The audience clapped. Alonso waited, and waited, until he saw it: Miguel-Alonso, Penelope-Sabrina. Alonso opened his eyes and smiled.

    He clapped a few times, then sighed. It was finally over.
    Last edited by Polipuff; 2nd May 2016 at 5:00 AM.
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  2. #2
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    Oh dang I posted into the wrong section. Please mods.
    Team Rowlet!

  3. #3
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    I've moved it to the appropriate section! In the future, please note that the report was enough and you didn't have to post here (in fact, we are more likely to see a report than a post).

    Also, is this for the official Serebii Collaborative or did you collaborate with someone to write this together? If it's the latter, please sure to credit any co-aothors and provide a means of contacting them. :>

    ~Psychic
    Last edited by Psychic; 1st May 2016 at 11:41 PM.

    Amazing art gift by the talented KCW! Check out his other art here!



  4. #4
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    What I meant is the trainer class inaugural.
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  5. #5
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    Hello! American--Pi here, and welcome to the Weekly Review! Here's how it usually works: Once every week I pick a fic to review. I try to alternate between the Fan Fiction and Shipping Fics forums. My reviews are Review Game-style, which means that for Fan Fiction I pick four out of the eleven Review Game criteria and comment on them as much as I want to (but at least two sentences per criterion). Every time I try to pick four different criteria, but usually I just comment on whatever in the story catches my eye.

    Funny story - I actually took a huge break from reviewing in general during the month of May, so I'm four Weekly Reviews behind. I'm not quite sure at this moment whether or not to continue calling my reviews "Weekly Reviews", because I'm not sure if I'll be able to keep up a weekly schedule. That doesn't matter much here, though, because I'm just here to leave a review on your contribution to the event I created. On with the review!

    ---

    Ending
    Plot-wise, the ending was great. It tied things up nicely, resolved the story's main tension, and answered the question of what decision Alonso made. I quite liked the way the ending tied up the story.

    However, I'm confused as to why, in the ending, you chose to change the format of the one-shot. The bulk of the one-shot featured a lot of diary entries, so having the one-shot turn into a third-person story for the two end paragraphs was quite jarring. Is there a particular reason why you chose to format the ending the way you did? Personally I think the one-shot would flow better if the last two paragraphs were also written in diary-entry style from Alonso's point of view - Alonso could be recounting his experience with the movie premiere.

    Characters
    Alonso was a pretty fun character to read about. You did a great job at characterizing him, which was the whole point of this Collaborative, so great job! His compelling, interesting voice really made the whole PokeStar Studios movie-making process feel believable. I felt his annoyance towards everything while also laughing internally at his idiosyncrasies.

    Alonso himself was largely believable, except for the parts where he wants Isabella dead. I'm not sure how serious he is, but it's definitely pretty extreme and worrisome to wish death upon another person, especially if that person's only crime is being annoying, snobbish, and lazy. I hope the whole death thing is just an exaggeration or a figure of speech - I have no idea, because in general I'm terrible at figuring out how serious someone is.

    In the end, though, I think Alonso is generally a moral character who puts the interests of a larger group of people above his own. I really loved the way you used the ending and the revelation of Alonso's decision to show that he isn't a selfish person.

    Enjoyment
    This was a short but fun and immensely enjoyable read. Like I said before, Alonso was a fun character with an interesting voice, so I really enjoyed reading his journal entries. You did a great job in mixing the right amount of humor, contemplation, and drama, which all added up to a pretty good one-shot.

    Techniques
    Aside from the last two paragraphs (which I critiqued earlier in this review), I liked the format you used for this one-shot. I haven't seen a fic with this journal-entry format on SPPf until now, and I think you pulled off the format pretty well. Reading the one-shot really felt like reading someone's casual journal, so good job on making the journal entries organic and believable.

    Sometimes I personally like to record my life in diaries, notebooks, and journals, but my diary entries are a lot more formal and long-winded than Alonso's (I include the date, and I ramble a lot about my day). Admittedly it took a while to get used to Alonso's short journal entries. But I think that the style of his entries has a certain charm to it. The shortness of the entries really helped to convey Alonso's snarky, casual personality.

    ---

    This is really good for a first one-shot! In fact, this one-shot doesn't read like a first one-shot at all, and that's a compliment. I hope you stick around in the SPPf Fan Fiction community, and I'm looking forward to possibly reading and reviewing your future works.

    Pi

  6. #6
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    Thank you for reviewing my one-shot!

    However, I'm confused as to why, in the ending, you chose to change the format of the one-shot. The bulk of the one-shot featured a lot of diary entries, so having the one-shot turn into a third-person story for the two end paragraphs was quite jarring. Is there a particular reason why you chose to format the ending the way you did? Personally I think the one-shot would flow better if the last two paragraphs were also written in diary-entry style from Alonso's point of view - Alonso could be recounting his experience with the movie premiere.
    I was pretty stuck on trying to make it a surprise at the end, so I changed it a bit.

    Alonso himself was largely believable, except for the parts where he wants Isabella dead. I'm not sure how serious he is, but it's definitely pretty extreme and worrisome to wish death upon another person, especially if that person's only crime is being annoying, snobbish, and lazy. I hope the whole death thing is just an exaggeration or a figure of speech - I have no idea, because in general I'm terrible at figuring out how serious someone is.
    Yep, that was supposed to be an exaggeration, however, I do agree that I kind of pushed it too hard.

    This is really good for a first one-shot! In fact, this one-shot doesn't read like a first one-shot at all, and that's a compliment. I hope you stick around in the SPPf Fan Fiction community, and I'm looking forward to possibly reading and reviewing your future works.
    Thank you! I appreciate that.
    Team Rowlet!

  7. #7
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    Interesting one-shot you have here! You do well in characterizing Alonso, especially with his rather dark sense of humor. His conflict was very believable as well, and I think it played out rather okay.

    I have to echo American--Pi's comment about the ending, though. It's jarring for the form to shift abruptly in those last two segments, and the quirkiness of Alonso's speech is absent from those sections. It would've been great to see Alonso write about how he felt in the opening night, as it would've given him more characterization while still doing the job of revealing his decision. As it stands, the ending feels a bit weak, and revising it so that it's more consistent with the rest of the sections would definitely make it and the whole story stronger.

    But all in all this is great, especially for a first one-shot. Good job with it!


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