This sounds like my kind of fic already.As you can see, this story has an R rating, which has been approved by Dragonfree after some rigorous testing. It will be tackling some darker material than what I usually do; among these subjects are cults, extremely unethical scientific experimentation, various types of discrimination, strongly implied sexual content and homelessness. In addition, war and mental illness may be touched on, there’s a plotline about a serial killer, and a plotline will have discussion of a character who was raped – before anyone jumps to conclusions about this just from reading that, I have literally put months of work and research into ensuring that the subject will be handled tastefully and respectfully, and I can promise that it is relevant, not simply included for edginess.
You used “nervously” and “simply” very close together in just these few paragraphs. I’m sure that you can find a better way to portray these things than using the same word, no?The young doctor, dressed sharply in an immaculate white lab coat, adjusted his glasses nervously as he surveyed the computers surrounding him. Many of the machines bore the same logo that was stitched onto the man’s breast pocket, a letter ‘P’ formed out of the red-and-yellow strands of a double helix.
All around him were monitors of the situation unfolding in an operating room directly linked to his lab. He was in charge of what was happening in the other room, and had to address the scientists under his command through a microphone affixed to the desk. Large machines, many of them at least the size of a refrigerator, were clustered in one portion of the lab, while a small kitchen unit sat opposite them. There was also a lounging area that consisted simply of an old, rotting bookcase, drab sofa and decrepit television set; on the wall right next to the bookcase was a framed document assigning a doctorate to the man, whose name was Gabriel Zager. A tiny yellow spider Pokémon, Joltik, skittered hyperactively around the room.
He knew the operation in the other room was going horribly simply from the barrage of noise coming back at him through the terminal’s speakers. The sounds of several men rushing about the room could be heard, but even louder than that were the alternating sounds of a woman screaming and then briefly gasping to try and catch her breath.
“Just keep at it, all of you,” the doctor said in an attempt to encourage his men, while nervously eyeing the screens monitoring the woman’s heart rate, blood pressure and temperature. “We’ve come too far now. There’s no turning back.”
Same here with “deeply”.“Are you alright?!” This was a bad sign, and the doctor knew it. He had been assured that the team he was commanding was comprised of very well-trained scientific and medical professionals, so to see one of those very same people unable to handle their own job struck him deeply.
“It’s… it’s horrible...” The scientist was clearly deeply disturbed by what he had seen. He spoke in a shaking, terrified voice, and did not even turn to face his boss. “That thing is a monster… it’s parasitized the very fibers of her being… we never should have played God and done this…”
I also want to add that I haven’t read your other reviews so sorry if I repeat anything. And I’m liking your dialogue a lot so far here.
I really like these pieces of dialogue here. Very poetic and full of imagery.The first of the two women to speak was the one with flowing purple hair. “When the vast white flame of truth burns out…” she said in a breathy, flat voice, “…and the deep black thunder of ideals dissipates into nothing…”
“That gray void of nothing…” her counterpart, distinguishable by her green ponytail, completed. “That is the Day of Reckoning.”
What about her voice?“Watch it, Jeunes,” reproached the number-four executive, a woman whose nearly-full head and shoulder armor left her slightly-aged-looking nose and mouth areas as the only indications of her gender.
And this is exactly why I could never work in a place like this at night… I’d be so scared…His complacence was directly the reason why he did not notice the infiltrator who slipped into the museum.
Also like how you separated this one sentence from the other paragraphs. Adds a lot more suspense.
This guy should be fired, effective immediately.However, he was too slow to act, and when the power system shorted out, the museum went into automatic lockdown – which included the door in and out of his small room.
Yeah, because blue hair isn’t unusual or anything…Both were dressed in plain brown clothes, and the male half of the duo had blue hair of a moderate length. The only unusual characteristic between the two of them was the extremely long ponytail worn by the woman.
I think this portion could have been done better. This is, to me, a part that’s supposed to contribute to all the suspense that’s going on, but I’m not feeling it. First, the first sentence sounds really awkward. Try saying it out loud. The word “outside” seems misplaced because it indicates to me that only the outside of the house exploded. The two “in”s so close to each other also makes it hard to read. I had to read it a couple times to stop being confused. Also, there’s no other description here, and you’re very good at description, so I know you can describe more. I’ll leave the Wobbuffet thing alone since that’s just very likely to happen even in a not-funny situation LOL.Outside, the building Jessie, James and Meowth lived in exploded in flames. All three of them gasped, and much to her frustration, Jessie’s Wobbuffet escaped from its ball to join the chorus of dismayed groans.
“What do you think you’re doing, you punk?!” Meowth screeched.
God, I like Nekou already. Just saying.“Oh, he’s probably off jerking around somewhere, probably literally.” Nekou sighed and sipped her beer before adding, “Don’t worry about it. We’ll get some pizza and leave him out of it. **** him if he doesn’t want to hang out with us.”
You seem to like pointing out hair/masks/whathaveyou that hangs out someone’s left or right eye(s). I wonder if that has any significance?Feeling a spike of sorrow, the man adjusted his glasses and brushed aside the lock of his shoulder-length blonde hair that hung over his right eye.
I just wanted to point out that I like the name Matt… because every Matt I’ve ever met is a wonderful person. Woohoo.They were unable to leave until Nekou and Matt joined them, so they were conversing further between themselves.
I have to say that I am very intrigued by your prologue/chapter 1. You introduced an awful lot of information all at once, but not enough to deter me from the fic or make me think “oh god I’m going to have to struggle to remember all of this.” I hope to see more development in the future, which I am sure you will provide. I also liked where you ended each part of each introduction. It felt perfect in all places. I also like your descriptions, though it gets a bit wordy at times. You seem to like to describing every little thing, which isn’t exactly necessary. Focus on description that matters, descriptions of characters, description that adds to the current mood. My favorite part so far I think, though, is your dialogue. Very realistic on the girls’ part and very suspenseful (though a bit dramatic) on the scientists’ part.
Olivia sure has a lot of daddy issues…Turning her frustrated anger on Matt, Olivia threw his hand away and yelled, “You’re not my dad, so don’t tell me what to do!”
Oshawott kicks *** with his razor shell attack, Olivia. Just saying.
“Please, Olivia, I ask that you give these two a chance,” requested Juniper. “They, along with the Grass-type Pokémon Snivy, are the starter Pokémon of the Unova Region. Tepig is a dependable partner who will ultimately evolve into the powerful Fire-and-Fighting-type Pokémon Emboar…” Tepig responded to Juniper’s praise by snorting enthusiastically, snorting out some small embers. “…while Oshawott fights with the shell on its stomach, and as it passes through evolutionary stages toward its ultimate form, Samurott, it first gains a second shell and then a pair of formidable shell swords.”
Also, I think the proper format for showing actions in between dialogue would be this:
“Tepig is a dependable partner who will ultimately evolve into the powerful Fire-and-Fighting-type Pokémon Emboar”—Tepig responded to Juniper’s praise by snorting enthusiastically, snorting out some small embers—“while Oshawott fights with the shell on its stomach, and as it passes through evolutionary stages toward its ultimate form, Samurott, it first gains a second shell and then a pair of formidable shell swords.”
I thought the whole idea was that she wanted a water-type pokémon. What’s wrong with Oshawott, then? Is she just being a baby? Seems like it.“I guess,” she answered bitterly. “But don’t expect me to decide quickly. My starter Pokémon was supposed to be something that could stand right alongside me, Minccino and Roselia as we won badges and Ribbons, which would force my dad to notice me again. It was never supposed to start like this.”
You said something along the lines of “Time had not been kind to the researchers” or something in the first chapter. Seeing the same sentence is kind of jarring.Time had not been kind to Doctor Gabriel Zager.
Just wanted to say that I like how you have at least one distinguishable feature per character appearance. It might help a lot since there seems to be a ton of characters I’ll have to keep track of.The other was a curvaceous woman in a white blouse and skirt, an outfit accented by bits of black around her neck, midsection and wrists as well as down at the end of the skirt, near her knee-high white boots. Her bright red hair stood out like a spotlight against the rather droll surroundings of the laboratory, and in her boredom, she was lounging in a chair next to a coffee table away from Zager’s work space, her feet up on a torn ottoman.
Interesting. Wonder what medicine she’s taking? Must be important or you wouldn’t have taken the time to point it out.
“Ah, medicine you have to take with coffee instead of water. A miracle of modern science.”
Wonder if this is a reference to Cheren? HahaHowever, she then remembered a trainer to whom she’d given a Snivy some years ago; at the time, he kept saying that he only wished to become stronger at any cost, but eventually, he learned to understand his Pokémon more and eventually became a respected Gym Leader in Unova.
Senori doesn’t like you right now.Nekou opened her Poké Ball, releasing a Sneasel.
Sounds like a long day indeed. Question—why isn’t Olivia an official trainer already since she has Minccino and Roselia? Are trainers only official once they receive a starting pokémon from a professor or what?Olivia strode back to her battle position while eating the roll one bite at a time. She felt like things were happening incredibly fast – the day wasn’t even over yet, and she’d already met a professor, suffered a setback in her quest before it even began and received a substitute for the starter Pokémon she wanted. Now she was in her very first battle as an official trainer and halfway to fully winning it, and it excited her beyond her original goal of impressing her father. Winning, she was quickly coming to discover, felt good.
She shouldn’t even exist? Geez, this guy’s harsh.Someone who should not exist has no right to consider themselves entitled to anything more than the air they are lucky enough to breathe! Now… Drowzee, leave port!”
Second chapter was good too. I appreciated the retelling of events that I assume happened in your other fics. Even if it didn’t happen in your other fics it still brings your characters to life by giving them a past. I also like your battles, though I feel they’re lacking a bit in description. They remind me of the anime in the sense that there’s a ton more dramatic dialogue than needed. But I like the strategy you put into it and the fact that the cloaked guy kept saying Olivia reminded him of her father. I really can’t wait until she finds out he’s dead, as evil as that sounds. She’s going to go crazy.
God, just glancing over your past reviews, I hope that mine at least helped you out a little bit or told you something new. You have a great following for this fic so far, which tells you a lot. I’ll be back for more.