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Thread: Essence of Life [PG-13]

  1. #1
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    Post Essence of Life [PG-13]

    Author's Note: This is an OT fic.
    The story takes place many years after the events of R/B/G/FR/LG games though it almost completely revolves around original characters.


    Chapter Index
    0. Prologue - Angel's Lament
    1. Never Ask Why
    2. Unbound

    ///

    The Prologue - Angel's Lament


    I am dying – or am I?

    Because, instead of hearing the children’s wails I heard only a second earlier, the only sound I can hear is my mother downstairs, calling for me to get up. I close my eyes and open them up again, unsure whether this is reality or fiction.


    *


    My birthday had arrived once again and quite frankly, I wasn't excited.

    For the most part, because getting one year older was not something to be thrilled about, at least not for me. Most of my childishness was already sucked out by dreadful puberty - not to speak of my nonexistent life which resembled a social disaster more than anything else on this planet. My life pretty much sucked and I usually had nothing against it. I couldn't deny it though, this day was going to turn out just like any other birthday of mine.

    My mother will throw a „surprise“ party for me, invite our entire family and friends, make some special pancakes that I love so dearly, all the usual stuff. I will smile, pretend to be overly ecstatic about it and go to bed late at night.

    This was going to be yet another completely "ordinary" day.

    In the aftermath of falling asleep late last night, I found myself feeling strangely exhausted the next morning. I rolled around a couple of times in my cozy, average sized bed and then a couple of times more before lazily, almost unknowingly pulling the white sheets off myself. Slight coolness drifted through the sheets made my body shiver. Managing to shield my eyes from the blinding light of the great glowing sun, I checked my cell for the time.

    “You’ve got to be kidding me! Seven a.m.?”

    I cried in annoyance letting myself sink into coziness of my bed again. How was it possible that after only four hours of sleep one could wake up this early? I was tired and sleepy but nothing could make me fall asleep again. I was fully awake and grumpy enough to let a single word make me kill someone.

    “This isn’t happening,” ignoring the sudden feeling of imbalance in my head, I rushed out of my bed towards the window - much to my luck, the weather outside was in perfect harmony with what I wished for it to be; it was ideal.

    Branches swaying on the light morning breeze, the fresh smell of the autumn morning, flocks of wild Pokémon moving across the sky, all those were things that made me feel happy. My mother would often tell me how after my father died, I seemed to have changed. She said I used to posses enthusiasm over the silliest things, but that was gone now. I began questioning life and the very meaning of it. My brother called me cynical, I preferred the term realistic.

    After all, all life always ended the same way - with death.

    My father always encouraged me to become a Pokémon Trainer despite my mother’s fierce reaction towards the very topic of pocket monsters. Initially, I was ecstatic about it. I was a great battle addict who believed that if a bond between a trainer and his partner was strong enough, there would be no limits to their potential. After my father died, however, my belief faded and somewhere along the way, I lost my will for fighting as well.

    “Gabriel, honey? You’re already up!”

    Her voice pulled me back into reality.

    I could recognize that voice anywhere, it was as gentle as her soft, cherished skin and and strong as her ferocious personality. It was my mother, Jenna. She didn’t have it easy for the last couple of years and thus my brother and I kept doing our best to make her know and feel she’s not alone. She suffered a lot, though, and nothing could ever change what she went through.

    “Are you okay?” She stepped worriedly inside the room, I could notice slightly dark rings under her emerald green eyes.

    I gazed at her for a moment not realizing my head was in pain.

    “Yeah, I’m fine,” I shook my head while answering. “Did you sleep well?”

    "Oh yes, of course, I just got up earlier and being in the mood for cooking I made some special pancakes coated with the Sitrus berry syrup. What do you say? Hungry?”

    The way she phrased her sentence made me chuckle.

    “Sure, I’ll be right down.”

    She giggled before cheerfully running out of my room.

    I always felt obligated to respect my mother for what she represented. Not because she was my parent, but because she endured so much pain while having to work in order to raise both my brother and me. She was a free-spirited person, she believed in destiny, she believed that there was a greater goal behind everything. Personally, I couldn’t make myself believe any of that crap as it felt too convenient to be true.

    A person suffering for a greater goal - God surely wouldn’t be that cruel.

    But I didn’t believe in God, so who was I judge?

    “Ah!”

    There it was – that same feeling in my stomach. This time I didn't just lose my balance, a pain rushed through my head as my heart began pumping. Within next seconds I found myself on the bed only to realize that my headache was long gone.

    "What the ...?“

    Giving no importance to what had just happened, I yawned, heading downstairs in order to take care of more important stuff – such as eating.

    I can not even describe the following smells that overwhelmed my senses as I made my way into the living room. Being just a step away from the kitchen, the smell of our living room changed accordingly to the meals Mom would prepare. It was pretty tempting, so to say, most of the time we could barely hold out before the meals were served. Speaking of the living room, our house, well our house wasn't exactly a big place since we couldn't afford “big” stuff - in fact, it was very modest and due to the lack of space our kitchen crossed over with the living room.

    One could say our house was somewhat of a humble structure - a two story building along with a small garden outside which my mother would cherish every now and then. She would often say it was her petite paradise.

    I looked in front of me.

    My brother, Damian, was already taking up the entire couch. “Well, good morning to you too!” I said in a mocking way.

    He paid no attention to my words. Rolling my eyes, I realized how that much attention could have only been given either to a really hot girl or an amazing Pokémon battle. Shivers overtook my skin as I looked at the screen - my father's face flashed in my mind. Once again, I couldn’t watch a single battle without the memory of him emerging in my head - it was almost as if he was haunting me.

    I was often confused about the relationship between my brother, my father and myself. Damian was always the older sibling and yet it always seemed as if I was the one who had more connection to Dad than he did. Damian wanted to study Pokémon battles and become a specialized trainer. After a huge argument with Mom, he set off to the Pokémon Academy but was forced to return once he learned of our father's death.

    The tragedy of the event reconciled Mom and Damian prompting them to become close again but as Damian broke off his studies, he could never become a proper gym leader he had hoped to become. Instead, he began his job as a worker in one of the gym arenas.

    Yes, dreams were nothing but false illusions built up inside of our heads.

    “Man, this is one amazing combat!”

    I snapped back into reality.

    A battle between two of the most powerful trainers of Kanto was taking place as their ace Pokémon kept exchanging hurtful blows.

    I suddenly began to breathe heavily but subtly.

    On the left side of the arena, a pompous, self-absorbed prick stood in the way as if he owned the stadium. His aerial, elegantly shaped bird Pokémon confronted a fully evolved muscular, purple horn creature. Obviously at the greater advantage, the feathered pigeon monster, Pidgeot, covered itself in a blazing blue aura as it moved at swift, almost untraceable speed prompting the land Pokémon, Nidoking, to step back in order to prepare himself for the full impact.

    The furious pumping of my heart continued. It was a breathtaking battle, something so powerful that it was able to give someone back the battle spirits they once possesed but lost. That was how I felt, I took a deep breath before running out of the house. Memories began overflowing me, I was at the verge of tears.

    "Gabriel? Where you are going?“ Mom suddenly asked.

    "Eh, I need to take some fresh air!“ I answered rushingly shutting the door behind me.

    After all this time, the memories of my Dad began raging again.

    ///

    Viridian.

    Despite being an evergreen paradise covered in greenness, it was not exactly a place where I could say I had a happy childhood. Upon suddenly moving in this city with my family, I lost contact with all my former friends from Saffron. To make things even worse, most of the kids in Viridian acted like morons towards me except for the selected few who actually treated newcomers nicely. I guess that, if there was one positive outcome that resulted from my father's death, it was that I stopped giving a damn since that point on.

    Kids eventually left me alone realizing how I didn’t give a crap as I kept on with my life still wondering what was the point of it all. I separated myself from the others focusing all my love and support to what had remained from my family – my mother and Damian.

    One simple thing, though, made my life in Viridian much more bearable.

    Two years ago, a lab founded by the APCS (Association of Pokémon Chairman Society) found its place in the idile of this suburban area. In association with the famous breeders around the world, the established research lab was licensed with the ability to give away Pokémon selectively bred for the new trainers.

    The researcher in charge was a professor, a young woman, Katie Amaryllis. Soon after she settled down, I applied as an assistent. Even though most of my work consisted of taking out trash and wiping the dust, it was worth it as I got to witness her evolution research with my own eyes as well as the creation of the new Pokedex.

    I knocked on the door lightly expecting to find no one.

    "Hello? Professor?“

    Three Pokémon greeted me at the entrance, each in its own unique way.

    On the very left of the great desk rested a pretty young grass Pokémon. The big bulb was the first thing that caught my attention; it looked incredibly unique and mysterious at the same time. I was aware of the fact that the bulb was the source of Bulbasaur’s energy but I could only imagine what was actually inside of it.

    I chuckled taking another step closer.

    It looked at the middle one. It was obviously a fire type, judging by its lively flame on its tail; it resembled a child-kike orange lizard. The creature grinned at me, much to my surprise - that thing actually acknowledged my existence. Strange feeling of warmness overtook me.

    And the last, but not the least was the water turtle Pokémon, the only of the three who was actually frightened by my appearance.

    "Geez, I don't look that ugly, do I?"

    I muttered while grinning, though the light blue creature withdrew itself inside of its seemingly adamant shell.

    “What are you doing here?”

    Her high-pitched voice was as “charming” as always. Professor Amaryllis or how I wasn’t allowed to call her, Katie, was a pretty woman with stunning looks for her age. She was barely in her thirties but I insisted on calling her an, and I quote, “old hag" much to her dismay. We didn’t share exactly a friendly relationship but for some odd reason she kept me around. Perhaps it was due to the mutual respect we felt for each other.

    “Umm, I came to work?” I answered keeping my stare focused at the Pokémon.

    “Your services are not needed today, now shoo!” She pointed towards the door.

    Yes, the respect we felt for each other.

    She replied hastily starting to hit me. Prof. Amaryllis was usually a kind person – that is, when she wasn’t being a total bi*ch towards me.

    “Why are you being like that? It’s my birthday?” That’ll show her.

    “Oh, happy birthday," she smiled kindly bringing out ladylike kindness out of her, "now get out!” The hag was back.

    “Why are you so nervous today?” I asked.

    “Because a boy whose father is one of the men founding my research and the lab is coming today for his first Pokémon along with him. I want everything to be flawless and for that to happen, you need to go.”

    Her hands were shivering, I could feel that this really was important for her.

    "I understand. If that's the case, I'll be going now.“

    She softly smiled at me nodding her head. "Thank you, Gabriel.“

    It was one of the rare moments of friendship and understanding between the professor and me. I could see that in her genuine smile she cared about me and that molesting me 24/7 was just one of her festishes both she and I enjoyed. I chuckled to myself deciding to leave the lab. And then, I suddenly felt it.

    My body began shaking; I suddenly found myself on the floor. The professor rushed towards me, she seemed worried in a way.

    "Gabe? What's wrong?"

    "Not again," I subconsciously responded grabbing my head. It was the same pain from this morning but only incredibly painful.

    Before I knew it, everything faded out.



    "Gabriel? My angel, are you awake?"

    I barely opened my eyes feeling the exact tiresomeness from this morning. White colors blinded me, everything around me was snow white. I was shocked to learn that I was actually lying in a hospital bed of the Viridian City Clinic, after which my mother rushed in to see me.

    "You're awake!" She embraced me tightly, I could see that she's been sobbing earlier. “Oh, thank God, you’re awake!”

    I remained calm, there must have been an explanation.

    "What happened?" I asked.

    "You fainted at the lab. Katie was so worried that she drove you herself in the hospital. Oh Gabe, I wouldn’t bear if anything happened to you.”

    Professor Amaryllis – worried? About me?

    "She also said you might have experienced this before. Is that true?"

    I hesitated, the last thing I needed was for my mom to worry.

    "Gabriel, I need you to be honest," she looked at me with her clear, incredibly deep brown eyes.

    I decided to tell her the truth. I told her about the tiresomeness I experienced throughout the entire day as well as the slight feeling of imbalance and headache from this morning. Her logical conclusion was that I collapsed from hunger. I found that hard to believe.

    Soon enough, the doctor arrived deciding to do a blood exam for some strange reason. He said he needed to take some further examinations on me in order to find out what exactly was wrong with me. I didn't worry too much at the time as I co-operated with him firmly believing how nothing was wrong with me. After series of blood exams and CT scans, my mother soon learned the diagnosis.

    The next day, I woke up and found her sitting at the chair next to my bed. Bags on her eyes were pretty large; one could tell that she didn't sleep through the night. "Good morning," I smiled to her, though she kept her frown.

    I shivered suddenly, a shimmer of doubt emerged inside of me. Why was this woman in front of me so silent and sad? Why wasn't she smiling back at me? I rarely saw her like this. "Mom?"

    “What happened?” I asked.

    "They have the diagnosis," she said weakly, almost as if she was forcing herself to speak out the words.

    "And?" I asked, this time with a bit more concern.

    I can still remember the moment when she said it. "Do you really want to know?"

    She broke out in a terrible cry again; her sadness started tearing my heart apart. I never saw her so sad, she was always a cheerful housewife full of love and happiness for all, but now - she was different. She had lost my father and felt almost as if she was going to lose me as well.

    "Mom, tell me! What happened, what's wrong?" I grabbed her gentle hands hoping that would calm her. She got up slowly placing her legs over my bed, she lay by my side. It reminded of the times when we would read good night stories together before I fell asleep. Leaning her head on mine, she started whispering, her hand tightly holding mine.



    I was at home.

    "SURPRISE!"

    I opened the door as a bunch of people jumped out; they were all so happy and cheerful. Colorful balloons flied everywhere across the living room, little children ran over to me with presents in their tiny hands and I - I remained cold. My brother noticed the frown on my face; I couldn't bear it any longer. I ran up the stairs on the verge of tears jumping furiously on my bed.

    Soon after me, my brother worriedly entered the room.

    What was I supposed to say? How was I supposed tell my big brother that I had only six months left to live?



    To Be Continued


    I hope you guys liked it. Yes, this prologue was short but I have the next chapter already ready, so, yeah, I'm hoping to get some comments/reviews or any sort of criticism!
    Last edited by Janovy; 5th June 2012 at 7:36 PM.

  2. #2
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    Post Chapter I - Never Ask Why

    Double post for a new chapter!

    Author's Note: While the prologue of my story contained fragments from the original first chapter of my old "Essence of Life", the first chapter of my final version contains completely original material, as in, I wrote a completely new text. xD C&C is always welcome! I hope you enjoy it!


    Chapter I: Never Ask Why

    It used to happen often, back when he was still around.

    Only one of those many days remained carved in my memory, though. It was a stormy evening - harsh, cold winds crushed their way through the thick trees and bushes swallowing the previously untouched silence of the summer. Raging thunder of the dark sky caused uproars every now and then; I could sense the loud bangs echo in my ears.

    I passionately hated storms.

    That same evening, I was wondering around the house. Two months had passed ever since we've moved in this place and yet I knew it as the back of my hand. I suddenly saw it - warm light emanating from one of the rooms, more-so, strange sounds could be heard coming from the room. I immediately identified the place as my fathers' work room.

    With careful steps, I made my way into the room.

    He was crying, it was the fourth time I caught him like that, I had counted.

    "Dad?"

    His sobbing stopped. My appearance prompted him to grab his head slowly.

    "Gabriel, come!" he softly whispered. I nodded walking towards the desk where he sat – it appeared to me as if he was writing something. Having the lights gone out, he relied on the shimmering spark of a simple candle which pierced through the darkness surrounding the room.

    "Why are you crying?"

    A question so simple and yet so complicated at the same time. I didn't understand it at the time and I still don't understand it that well, but something was tormenting him.

    I took a good look at the face of my old man. Despite being at the age of thirty-three, his face looked pale and entirely worn out. His glasses were the part I liked about him the most, they were round and funny and they completely enhanced the greenness of his eyes for some reason. His hair was short just like mine back and it was dark exactly like mine – Mom would often say we looked like twins.

    "Did you change your mind about becoming the best Pokémon trainer?" he said with such delicacy and trace of sadness within his breath that I almost cried.

    Nevertheless, he avoided my question. I simply nodded remaining persistent.

    "Why are you crying? What's wrong?" I asked again.

    He suddenly laughed wiping the tears of his face.

    "Nothing is wrong, see?" He smiled at me like only a father could smile at his son.

    We remained there, both staring at each other. He kept smiling and soon enough I ended up smiling with him. "Let's go downstairs," I said, "let's all be together!"

    "I'll be there in a minute,“ he answered spontaneously.

    "Okay!“

    And I believed him.

    I grinned before running out of his workroom. It was a stormy night, filled with family laughter and lonely tears. My father soon joined us in the living room and I suddenly stopped caring about the weather, I stopped caring about the world outside. Three persons I loved the most were sitting next to me and despite the void of infinite darkness surrounding the entire house and our bodies, our hearts were emanating with love we felt for each other.

    It was the happiest time of my life.




    "Gabe, open up! Locking yourself won’t do any good!”

    I remained still in my qualm. Looking at the clock I realized that it's been two hours ever since I locked myself into the room. I was way past the point of crying, despair and hatred towards myself engulfed me. I didn't know why exactly, possibly because of the realization that I achieved nothing by this point of my life.

    Now I had around six months left and there was slight-to-none chance of surviving.

    „Gabriel, I swear to God if you don't open this door right now, I'll break – „

    Unpleasant surprise untangled on his face as he witnessed the door open, I slowly, almost lifelessly, sat back on the bed.

    „Gabriel,“ he mumbled out but couldn’t seem to say anything else. Nothing that didn’t surprise me, he was never a great talker and as such, we rarely shared intimate conversations.

    „Where is she?“ I asked nonchalantly, saving him the pain from speaking.

    „Where do you think she is? In her room, crying.“

    I chuckled at the irony.

    „Why? She's not the one who's dying,“ I could feel the force of his punch upon the impact on my arm. He was obviously angered by my response.

    „Do you think this is funny?“ he raised his voice.

    „I don't know what to think anymore,“ I wanted to yell back, but I couldn’t.

    „Just look at what became of our family. We were once happy and then suddenly, Dad died. And then everything changed. What will happen once I die? How much will change then?“

    He turned his head away as I sighed.

    „Look, I'm so confused right now, I don't even know what to think.“

    „What would he say?“ He means Dad, I thought.

    „Follow your dreams,“ I answered with a slight chuckle, „or something along those cheesy lines. Something Dad-like, anyway. He always knew the best words.“

    „That reminds me,“ he suddenly said. „You and I never got to talk about the letters. It's been a while since we've actually talked but I never really asked you what yours said.“

    I suddenly lost myself in the confusion.

    „What letter are you talking?“

    I could see it the darkness of his black eyes, his pupils widened in shock as if I had said something terrible. His face suddenly went pale as he rushed out of the room.
    -

    „Damian?“

    I followed him nervously, he was heading towards Mom's room in a fast pace. He barged through the door as I entered right after him. A letter burning in my mothers' hand and a lighter under it – an insane look on her face I would never forget. It was horrifying.

    „Mom, stop it!“

    A normal person would have helped, but no, I just stood there gazing in confusion as the flames carefully swallowed the paper in their power.

    Next thing I know, Mom was pushed away by Damian back at the bed as he tried putting out the flames. My brother was desperately trying to save it. Why? I could feel my breathing get faster with each second as my mother soon started yelling at him. The flames were out as he reclaimed the ashy, burnt piece of paper in his hands. She was looking at the other side, as if we weren’t present.

    It felt like a dream.

    „What the hell are you doing?“ his shout intimidated me, I never saw him this pissed. Uncomfortable silence slowly made its way into the room as she began crying once more. Who was this woman in front of me? Quiet sobbing penetrating the soft silence, a reminder of the fateful night I caught my father crying.

    “Why are you crying?”

    Was I really dreaming?

    „It's been five years and you didn't give him the letter?“ He yelled again, causing my body to shiver. Five years, I haven’t seen a tear on her eye since then.

    “He needs to know! How could you not tell him?”

    Damian’s voice of rage and disappointment slowly transformed into a voice of reason and calmness. I kept gazing as he sat next to her, she fell in his arms.

    “Tell me what?”



    I always wished I could share my mothers’ ideals.

    There is always a greater purpose to everything that happens?

    Was I really supposed to believe that the supposed “God” would have separated a loving family a piece by piece only for its own personal amusement or so-called greater purpose? I doubted it. There was no destiny, there were no dreams - there was only a cruel reality. Because at the end of the day, people we love the most betray us in ways we would have never imagined.

    We are born alone, we live alone and we die alone.

    “Dad left a letter after his death?”

    It seemed as if my words hurt more than the actual crime she committed. Damian was still hugging her, of course, someone had to comfort her.

    “Why didn’t you give me my letter? How come you gave Damian his and you never gave me mine? Why did you do that?”

    I didn’t realize until that point how upset I actually was. I was at the verge of tears but the sudden rage that flamed inside of me kept me from it.


    That scene kept playing over and over in my head. But no matter how much I played it over, I couldn’t find any excuse for what she had done to me. The letter, half-burnt, somewhat blackish was resting in my palms.

    “You have to understand, back when your father died, I was crushed, and you of all people know the best how I felt.”

    “Continue,” I said.

    “I knew how much your father urged you to become a Pokémon Trainer and exactly how much your goal meant to him. I didn’t want you to leave, Gabriel. I was afraid that his words would encourage you to move on and do what you always dreamed of – which was leaving Viridian and deciding to travel.”

    “So you decided to hide my letter? Why today? You’ve had this letter in possession for five freakin’ years and today is the day you decide to burn it?”

    She looked away. It suddenly dawned to me.

    “Because you were scared that my disease would bring out those feelings again.”

    “No!” she exclaimed. “Because I couldn’t afford to lose my son right after losing my husband,” her voice suddenly silenced as she began crying again.

    “So you couldn’t have given me the letter and then tried to talk to me like a reasonable person would do? Instead, you betrayed me so the things could go your away? What kind of a mother does that?”

    I shook my head in stress deciding to leave before she could say anything else.


    -


    “Why did you do this, mom?” I said to myself gently moving my fingers over the rough surface.

    The Viridian City plaza was packed with people as always, you couldn’t step a foot into the soft grass of the park without accidentally stepping on someone. The weather was the one of my favorite kind, windy and not fully, but slightly sunny. I never liked too much sun, part of the reason why I was pale.

    I looked at the letter again. At once, I stopped hesitating. The time had come to read the last words my father left for me. I unfolded the paper realizing how more than the half of the paper burned out, only a fragment was left. Taking a deep breath, I proceeded.

    … … … 10 … I … do … just ... I know that my words, my actions, my tears of regret will never … able to make up for the terrible destiny I linked to you, but I will keep hoping for your forgiveness. Mistakes can’t be erased but I can only say that no matter how bad the things seem, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Nothing is set in stone, Gabriel, you are the forger of your own destiny.

    Don’t let anything stop you, my angel.

    Spread your wings and fly.
    With all my love, Dad.


    My destiny …


    To Be Continued
    Last edited by Janovy; 31st May 2012 at 4:01 PM.

  3. #3
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    Chapter II: Unbound

    It was the first time I remembered my father, Dad, with tears of genuine happiness flowing down my face. I didn’t exactly know why myself, I was a teenage boy doomed to death and despite the ominous scent of mystery within my father's words hidden deep inside a piece of paper, I kept smiling unable to wipe that silly grin off my face.

    It was a quite strange feeling for me. All these years I tried blocking myself from those memories of a man who loved me dearly, believing nothing but sadness would come out of it, but now, as the half-burnt, long forgotten words of my father reached inside my heart and soul, I could taste the bittersweet feeling of the rejuvenated memories and most of all, my rejuvenated belief.

    I felt stronger than before, happier and at the same time as if my heart was relieved of my past stress; I finally felt free.

    The sheer force of the wind entangled my body as I looked up in the sky.

    I could finally face the world.



    She walked and walked, kept walking back and forth. It was a stressful feeling, a combination of remorse, excitement and unusual fear of breaking down and crying right before an important person would arrive. It was something she would usually do when forced to confront a large amount of pressure on both herself and her emotions, but Katie Amaryllis had to keep it together. She would cry on any other day, but not today. Today, she was going to do what she was born to do – amaze.

    Her lab was in a surprisingly great condition, one she hasn’t seen it in ever since she moved to Viridian and began working under the supervision a few years ago. It was a moderately sized room, entirely white with the just right amount of sunlight to create a cheerful and optimistic atmosphere. Studying Pokémon genetics was a tough piece of work but somehow she always managed to pull through.

    Katie often pretended not to know the reason, but deep inside, she knew it was all thanks to the hard work of her assistant, Gabriel, with whom she argued often.

    She suddenly stopped, starting to feel strange sorrow build up from inside. The feeling dispersed upon the sudden noise from behind the door. As the door opened she suddenly found herself in the presence of two persons.

    The first person was a middle-aged man of somewhat long, blond hair tied up in a little ponytail, albeit quite handsome in her eyes despite the obvious age difference. He seemed quite fancy judging by his attire which consisted out of classy shoes, classy suit and remarkably classy way of walking. Not to speak of his heavenly blue eyes she was immediately attracted too.

    She blushed on his smile as he greeted her.

    “Professor Amaryllis, am I right? I’m Julian, nice to meet you!”

    “Um, yeah, yes of course. Katie, if you wish, nice to meet you too!”

    An abrupt cough, obviously forced, interrupted her moment of charming seduction as she looked behind the man. Yes, he had brought someone with him.

    “I apologize for interrupting your moment of totally unobvious sexual tension, but could I get my Pokémon and like, simply leave? I’d be very pleased to leave you two alone as soon as possible.”

    Many thoughts rushed through her head at that moment.

    The first was how the “important man” Katie was informed of looked unlike anyone she would expect to show up in her lab, she had developed a crush in an instance but her second thought interrupted the first one upon the boy's bratty words. He was a tall boy, a teenager of a messy, dirty blond hair barely reaching his shoulders. He wasn’t quite as classy as his father but a simple combination of plain white shirt and dark gray jeans seemed decent enough in her eyes.

    “Excuse my bratty son, Riley is just very eager to finally become a trainer.”

    The boy rolled his eyes prompting Katie to smile uncomfortably.

    “Um, shall I show you the starters?”

    Riley sighed as he placed his arms in his pockets. “Sure, whatever.”

    Despite the intimidating glare from the side of his father, Riley did not really care about the professor or the lab. All he cared about was getting away as becoming a trainer was just the opportunity he was looking for to escape from his "family". However, no matter how much he despised being in control of his father, he always enjoyed the benefits of being rich – it was one of his favorite things.

    “Okay, here we go! C’mon, all out!”

    Pressing the middle button on each of the three familiar red and white spheres, the objects automatically opened unleashing beams of light one after another. Soon enough, three familiar creatures materialized in front of Katie, Julian and Riley.

    “Hmm,” Riley said taking fast steps towards the table, “they all look fairly ok.”

    “I can assure you that all three of them are perfectly healthy.”

    “If that’s the case, sure, I’ll take all three of them.”




    I looked above; the sky was still clear but heavily enlightened by sun.

    I didn’t mind it.

    One important issue remained unresolved, though. What was I supposed to do about my mother? At this point I wasn’t even as mad at her as initially but I still felt betrayed and confused. I could understand her fear, her fear of me leaving Viridian and possibly dying on the road. But, would I really be prepared to do such thing? Would I be willing to leave everything behind and head on a journey?

    I knew there was only one other person I could talk to.

    I glanced over the sight of her lab; it was a common shape of building, average-sized albeit yellow with flat roof. It was quite unique in my opinion, with all the mysterious pink flowers surrounding the backyard of the lab. As I placed my cold hands on the warm doorknob, I found myself surprised upon witnessing two other persons besides her being present in the lab. It was awkward, I have to say. I wanted to leave but something kept me standing.

    “Gabriel?” She let out in surprise.

    “Um, it’s okay, I’ll come by later. I’m sorry for bothering you …”

    “Oh don’t be silly!” A manly shout surprised me, the blond man extended his hand gesturing that I come in. “You’re not bothering us at all.”

    “Come in,” prof. Amaryllis said smilingly. “Mr. Julian, this is Gabriel Sullivan.”

    His eyes widened in surprise.

    “Sullivan? Gabriel Sullivan? Are you the son of Samuel Sullivan?”

    A gasp of surprise escaped my breath – this man knew my father.

    “Um, yes I am. You knew him?”

    He laughed loudly; I could only assume he did.

    “Of course I knew him. Old Sammy and I went to college together; we even shared the same job. Boy, those were good times.”

    I shortly looked behind the man. A cold look, a look of despise as I observed the other person next to the table. It felt awfully intimidating for some reason as the other boy turned around suddenly clapping his hands in a quick pace.

    “Well? What are you waiting for? Hop-hop! I don’t have all day.”

    I couldn’t understand the situation but judging by the tense atmosphere and exchanging glances between the surprised gentleman and an uncomfortably smiling professor, I could only assume that something awkward my have happened; something other than my sudden appearance in this lab.

    “Well, you see, you can’t exactly …” she had lost the words.

    Professor Amaryllis was barely ever at the loss of words. This man must have been quite important, perhaps a rich man? It would make sense.

    “Listen, Riley!” the man continued in a strict tone. “You can’t have all three of them. There are other trainers awaiting their own Pokémon too. Don’t you think getting all three of them would be a little unfair towards the others?”

    The dirty-blonde teenage boy frowned as I observed him with surprise. Did that kid seriously just request all three of the starter Pokémon? Who did he think he was?

    “Well, I’m not like the others. I can’t possibly see why you would compare me with other trainers when we’re obviously not one and the same. And besides, I’m sure I will take much better care of them than any of those other trainers possibly could.”

    That boy, Riley, he was arrogant, quite arrogant in fact.

    “I’m sorry, but you’ll either choose one or get none.”

    Despite giving my best efforts I couldn’t hide the smirk from my face. That idiot was forced to give in and I could feel nothing but happiness at that moment. Our looks met once again, his eyes were sharply green, much like mine – I suddenly wiped the smirk off my face.

    “Fine,” he responded nonchalantly, “In that case, I’ll take Charmander. It takes a bit for him to develop but I guess a wicked Charizard will be worth it.”

    Seemed like he knew his stuff but I was still one step ahead of him.

    “It’s a bad choice if you’re pursuing a gym challenge.”

    Our looks crossed again, he smirked, almost in a smug-like way.

    “Gabriel, was it? I appreciate your concern but I know what I’m doing. I’m very well aware of the typing advantages as well as disadvantages thanks to the special lessons from the side of my private teachers so I don’t think I will be needing any help from the likes of you. And by likes of you, I mean, ordinary people.”

    That bastard. I needed to be quick and witty but the sudden ringing in the room interrupted my thoughts. Julian answered the phone call followed by an unpleasant look on his face, the one of slight disappointment.

    “Well, I just got the call from one of our men. He sprained his ankle, seems like we’ll need to hire someone else.”

    “What’s the problem?” Prof. Amaryllis asked with a common confusion.

    “Well, we initially hired a person to help Riley move through Viridian Forest since we’re not from here and we have never been in the forest either. From the rumors I heard, I understood that the forest was quite complex and maze-like, so I looked for someone who knew the area well in order to help Riley reach Pewter.”

    I looked at Riley again; he seemed to have drifted off.

    A wild, sudden, completely strange and yet somehow plausible idea overtook my mind. I could have helped him. I knew the Viridian Forest quite well, but the question was - why would I help a cocky jerk like him? Why did this idea reach my mind in the first place? It didn’t matter anyway; I had already made up my mind.

    “Oh, well sir, I’d be glad to help you. I know the forest quite well myself.”

    “You would?”

    I didn’t look but I could sense a tingling feeling in my body. Almost as if a certain boy was coming up with the most brutal ways of murdering me inside his head.

    “No, no way. I refuse!” His reaction was what I expected.

    Julian looked at Riley, his overwhelmingly pissed son.

    “You cannot refuse! If Sammy’s son claims to be able to help you, you’ll accept his help. Besides, it’s much cheaper than any guide we would have hired.”

    “Oh come on! You’re being unfair!”

    Silence ensued. Riley crossed his arms beginning to stare at me; he tapped his toes in nervous matter. “Fine,” he smiled smugly, “I needed a butler anyway.”

    Oh, it was on as I finally remembered why I thought of helping him.

    I didn't really wanna help him, I wanted to teach him a lesson.


    An explosion.

    Followed by insane release of catastrophic energy, the stone structure collapsed in a second as the smelly, pitch black smoke surrounded the entire nearby area. Much like shadows released from darkness, the mysterious figures spread in different ways. One figure, though, barely made its way out of the collapsed structure.

    Barely walking, with wounds all over the body, she didn’t care. Hunger, hatred, depression and pain – none of those mattered to her anymore. Yes, freedom was a powerful thing. And she was free.

    She was finally unbound.


    To Be Continued...
    Last edited by Janovy; 31st May 2012 at 3:21 PM.

  4. #4
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    Slow down.

    I've had this topic a few times to start reading, but I have not found the time to start reading it yet. I've been caught up in commenting on stories here that I started late, as well as working on my own fic here. I just haven't had time to start a new one, but I was hoping to get into this one. From the quick glances I've taken at it, it certainly seems intriguing.

    But you need to slow it down. It's awesome--really awesome--that you have the time and energy to work so hard and so fast on this story, but for a reader, it's incredibly daunting to know that the story is going to update at a pace of once per day. I'll NEVER be able to keep up with a story like that; I just have too much going on not only in my work and personal life, but also in the time I already spend on the fiction forum. Heck, I just updated my own story for the 3rd time in the last 3 weeks, and I think even that is a bit too often. I think a lot of potential readers are going to be turned off by the pace at which you're posting new chapters because they'll worry they'll quickly fall behind and never get to stay afloat.

    So that's my preliminary advice without having read anywhere near enough to leave a detailed critique: slow down and let the readers have a chance to put together their thoughts.


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    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I've had this topic a few times to start reading, but I have not found the time to start reading it yet. I've been caught up in commenting on stories here that I started late, as well as working on my own fic here. I just haven't had time to start a new one, but I was hoping to get into this one. From the quick glances I've taken at it, it certainly seems intriguing.
    I understand. ^^

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    But you need to slow it down. It's awesome--really awesome--that you have the time and energy to work so hard and so fast on this story, but for a reader, it's incredibly daunting to know that the story is going to update at a pace of once per day. I'll NEVER be able to keep up with a story like that; I just have too much going on not only in my work and personal life, but also in the time I already spend on the fiction forum. Heck, I just updated my own story for the 3rd time in the last 3 weeks, and I think even that is a bit too often. I think a lot of potential readers are going to be turned off by the pace at which you're posting new chapters because they'll worry they'll quickly fall behind and never get to stay afloat.
    Yes, and you make a very good point though the primary reason I've done this because I was afraid this story would be forgotten if left on page two. And the reason why I'm posting this often, even though I realize I shouldn't, is because I already have some chapters ready. ^^

    But yes, you're right - I need to slow down. ^^

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    Awesome. Sorry to see this got buried on Page 2, but...that happens sometimes. But you posted on the Review Exchange, and it reminded me of it! I'm going to start reading this on my lunch break today.

    Okay, here I go!

    Quote Originally Posted by Janovy View Post
    My birthday had arrived once again and quite frankly, I wasn't excited.

    For the most part, because getting one year older was not something to be thrilled about, at least not for me. Most of my childishness was already sucked out by dreadful puberty - not to speak of my nonexistent life which resembled a social disaster more than anything else on this planet. My life pretty much sucked and I apparently had nothing against it. I couldn't deny it though, this day was going to turn out just like any other birthday of mine.
    Wow. Deprssionville right off the bat. It really vests me in seeing this character grow, because already I want to smack him.

    My mother will throw a „surprise“ party for me, invite our entire family and friends, make some special pancakes that I love so dearly, all the usual stuff. I will smile, pretend to be overly ecstatic about it and go to bed late at night.

    This was going to be yet another completely ordinary day.
    On an ordinary day, this character gets special pancakes and surprise parties? I get that he/she is not enthused, but rather than say "ordinary", I'd say maybe "This was going to be yet another obnoxious/annoying/frustrating day." Something like that.

    Branches swaying on the light morning breeze, the fresh smell of the autumn morning, crows of wild Pokémon moving across the sky,
    Do you mean "crowds"?

    all those were things that apparently made me feel happy.
    I think you should say "usually" instead of apparently. Apparently does not make as much sense there. It's not like I've seen any instances of a character claiming this makes him happy.

    My mother would often tell me how after my father died, I seemed to have changed. She said I lost my former enthusiasm over the silliest things I used to posses, I began questioning life and the very meaning of life itself.
    I'd change a few things there. First, I'd say "she said I used to possess an enthusiasm over even the silliest things, but that was gone now". Then I wouldn't repeat "life" in the last sentence. "I began questioning life and the very meaning of it". Does that seem better to you?

    I could recognize that voice anywhere, it was as gentle and soothing as her face and strong as her personality.
    This is a classic example of "telling" instead of "showing". Especially since I don't know anything about her voice, face, or personality, so comparing any of them to each other doesn't help me at all. I'd have, instead, stated the ways in which her voice matched her gentle face or her strong personality. "Her voice was as soothing as her soft, emerald eyes". Something like that.

    „Oh yes, of course, I just got up earlier and being in the mood for cooking I made some special pancakes coated with the Sitrus berry syrup. What do you say? Hungry?”
    ...Somehow at the beginning of this, you ended up with two commas instead of a quotation mark. I have no idea how that happened.

    I always felt obligated to respect my mother for what she represented. Not because she was my parent, but because she endured so much pain while having to work in order to raise both my brother and me. She was a free-spirited person, she believed in destiny, she believed that there was a greater goal behind everything.
    Same things as earlier, I'd rather have the mother SHOW me these traits than have the narrator TELL me them.

    „What the ...?“
    There's those commas again? WTF, commas!?

    One could say our house was somewhat of a humble structure - a two story building along with a small garden outside which my mother would cherish every now and then. She would often say it was her petite paradise.
    That's better. Now that gives me a better sense of mom than any of the description thus far has.

    My brother, Damian, was already taking up the entire couch. “Well, good morning to you too!” I said in a mocking way.
    His name is Damien? I already suspect he'll be a villain.

    He paid no attention to my words. Rolling my eyes, I realized how that much attention could have only been given either to a really hot girl or a pretty amazing Pokémon battle.
    Drop the "pretty". It's a pointless modifier there.

    Yes, dreams were nothing but false illusions built up inside of our heads.
    Want to...smack...protagonist....so hard.... (which is, I'm sure, what you are going for)

    I suddenly began to deep heavily but subtly.
    Somewhere in there you left out the verb. Which I think is "breathe".

    On the left side of the arena, a pompous, self-absorbed prick stood in the way as if he owned the stadium.
    I can see the narrator saying that. So judgmental. Good voice.

    Viridian City, albeit being an evergreen paradise covered in greenness, was not exactly a place where I could say I had a happy childhood. Upon suddenly moving in this city with my family, I lost contact with all my former friends from Saffron. To make things even worse, most of the kids in Viridian acted like morons towards me except for the selected few who actually treated newcomers nicely. I guess that, if there was one positive outcome that resulted from my fathers death, it was that I stopped giving a damn since that point on.
    I'm not enamored of the last line, but I like the rest of this paragraph. It starts giving the reader an insight into why Gabe (can I call him Gabe?) is such a jerk.

    Even though most of my work consisted out of taking out trash and wiping the dust,
    Remove that. Just says "consisted of".

    And the last, but not the least was the water turtle Pokémon, the only of the three who was actually frightened by my appearance.
    Dawww. Poor Squirtle.

    She replied hastily starting to hit me with hands.
    Like...her own hands? Or spare ones shwe keeps lying around? Or what?

    “Why are you being like that? It’s my birthday?” That’ll show her.
    Nice touch. When you're young, EVERYTHING must come to a halt for your birthday.

    “Because a boy whose father is one of the men founding my research and the lab is coming today for his first Pokémon along with him. I want everything to be flawless and for that to happen, you need to go.”
    *funding

    It was one of the rare moments of friendship and understand between the professor and me. I could see that in her genuine smile she cared about me and that molesting me 24/7 was just one of her festishes both she and I enjoyed. I chuckled to myself deciding to leave the lab. And then, I suddenly felt it.
    *understanding; *fetishes. Also...using "molesting" and "fetish" in the same sentence makes it instantly sound dirty.

    My body began shaking; I suddenly found myself on the floor. The professor rushed towards me, she seemed worried in a way.

    "Gabe? What's wrong?"

    "Not again," I subconsciously responded grabbing my head. It was the same pain from this morning but only incredibly painful.

    Before I knew it, everything faded out.
    intriguing!

    I decided to tell her the truth. I told her about the tiresomeness I experienced throughout the entire day as well as the slight feeling imbalance and headache from this morning. Her logical conclusion was that I collapsed from hunger. I found that hard to believe.
    *feeling OF imbalance

    I can still remember the moment when she said it. "Do you really want to know?"
    I'm not a HUGE fan of italics for the sake of italics. I get that you are emphasizing her words, but there are ways to do that in narration without using that trick.

    "Mom, tell me! What happened, what's wrong?" I grabbed her gentle hands hoping that would calm her. She got up slowly placing her legs over my bed, she lay by my side. It reminded of the times when we would read good night stories together before I fell asleep. Leaning her head on mine, she started whispering, her hand tightly holding mine.
    This is maybe the best paragraph of the story so far. Good emotion and good use of harkening this unhappy moment back to the happier ones of his life.


    -Overall, it wasn't bad. It could stand to have a lot more proofreading. I didn't point out all the errors I found, but at least some of the more notable ones. It's an interesting hook: the main character has a virtual death sentence in the opening chapter. Given his usual attitude, I imagine this will cause him to retreat inwardly and become a bigger, more spiteful jerk. But perhaps it will, instead, make him appreciate and want to use the time he has left. It's certainly a dramatic way to inspire growth in a character. And how will he deal with his health issues while out on his story?

    Two biggest comments, though, are definitely:

    1) Proofread more
    2) Working on showing instead of telling.


    EDIT: I guess I can do a quick and dirty review of the next bit, too:

    Quote Originally Posted by Janovy View Post
    Only one of those many days remained carved in my memory, though. It was a stormy evening - harsh, cold winds crushed their way through the thick trees and bushes swallowing the previously untouched silence of the summer. Raging thunder of the dark sky caused uproars every now and then; I could sense the loud bangs echo in my ears.
    I like that paragraph. Good job.

    That same evening, I was wondering around the house. It's been two months ever since we've moved in this place and yet I knew it as the back of my hand. I suddenly saw it - warm light emanating from one of the rooms, more-so, strange sounds could be heard coming from the room. I immediately identified the place as my fathers' work room.
    Tense shift. Should be "It had".

    I took a good look at the face of my old man. Despite being at the age of thirty-three, his face looked pale and entirely worn out. His glasses were the part I liked about him the most, they were round and funny and they completely enhanced the greenness of his eyes for some reason. His hair was short just like mine back and it was dark exactly like mine – Mom would often say we looked like twins.
    Now THIS is "showing". Nice!

    I grinned before running out of his workroom. It was a stormy night, filled with family laughter and lonely tears. My father soon joined us in the living room and I suddenly stopped caring about the weather, I stopped caring about the world outside. Three persons I loved the most were sitting next to me and despite the void of infinite darkness surrounding the entire house and our bodies, our hearts were emanating with love we felt for each other.

    It was the happiest time of my life.
    I like that ending, too. Touching. So far, this chapter is off to a much better start than the Prologue.

    „Gabe, open up! Locking yourself won’t do any good!”
    I still have NO IDEA what's going on with the double-comma, though. It's ALL OVER THE PLACE.

    „Where do you think she is? In her room, crying.“

    I chuckled at the irony.

    „Why? She's not the one who's dying,“ I could feel the force of his punch upon the impact on my arm. He was obviously angered by my response.
    Aaaaand I still hate him.

    Next thing I know, Mom was pushed away by Damian back at the bed as he tried putting out the flames. My brother was desperately trying to save it. Why? I could feel my breathing get faster with each second as my mother soon started yelling at him. The flames were out as he reclaimed the ashy, burnt piece of paper in his hands. She was looking at the other side, as if we weren’t present.
    I like the bit about the breathing. It lets me know Gabe is getting tense and anxious without actually SAYING it.

    “I knew how much your father urged you to become a Pokémon Trainer and exactly how much your goal meant to him. I didn’t want you to leave, Gabriel. I was afraid that his words would encourage you to move on and do what you always dreamed of – which was leaving Viridian and deciding to travel.”
    Very nice characterization of mom as a flawed human being rather than as a perfect, loving mother. She was selfish and hid things from Gabe out of her own fears. Realistic!



    -Overall, this chapter was MUCH MUCH MUCH better. More showing instead of telling. More emotion. You still have all those random italics, though, and even more of them here. I'd lose those; the story emoted quite well here without them. And having the flawed, selfish, but still very loving mother is a beautiful touch. So many times, parents are presented as some sort of paragons. Nice to see that is not the case for mom here.
    Last edited by Sid87; 31st May 2012 at 3:01 PM.


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    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    On an ordinary day, this character gets special pancakes and surprise parties? I get that he/she is not enthused, but rather than say "ordinary", I'd say maybe "This was going to be yet another obnoxious/annoying/frustrating day." Something like that.
    Ordinary, as in, his every birthday turns out the same. He doesn't consider it for special anymore, it's yet another ordinary day for him.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Do you mean "crowds"?
    Yep, I fixed it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I think you should say "usually" instead of apparently. Apparently does not make as much sense there. It's not like I've seen any instances of a character claiming this makes him happy.
    Fixed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I'd change a few things there. First, I'd say "she said I used to possess an enthusiasm over even the silliest things, but that was gone now". Then I wouldn't repeat "life" in the last sentence. "I began questioning life and the very meaning of it". Does that seem better to you?
    Yeah, that does sound better - I edited it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    This is a classic example of "telling" instead of "showing". Especially since I don't know anything about her voice, face, or personality, so comparing any of them to each other doesn't help me at all. I'd have, instead, stated the ways in which her voice matched her gentle face or her strong personality. "Her voice was as soothing as her soft, emerald eyes". Something like that.
    You're right, I'm going to fix that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    ...Somehow at the beginning of this, you ended up with two commas instead of a quotation mark. I have no idea how that happened.
    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    There's those commas again? WTF, commas!?
    Okay, I took care of that, I have no clue what happened. ^^;

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    His name is Damien? I already suspect he'll be a villain.
    I hope you're joking. You are joking, right? xD

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Drop the "pretty". It's a pointless modifier there.
    Dropped it. : D

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Want to...smack...protagonist....so hard.... (which is, I'm sure, what you are going for)
    Actually, no. This is a first, haha. xD

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Somewhere in there you left out the verb. Which I think is "breathe".
    And you're right, I fixed it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I'm not enamored of the last line, but I like the rest of this paragraph. It starts giving the reader an insight into why Gabe (can I call him Gabe?) is such a jerk.
    Yes, you can call him Gabe. :P

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Dawww. Poor Squirtle.
    Poor Gabriel! Can you imagine how ugly he must be? xD

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Like...her own hands? Or spare ones shwe keeps lying around? Or what?
    Okay, I couldn't help but imagine that hilarious scene, haha.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    *understanding; *fetishes. Also...using "molesting" and "fetish" in the same sentence makes it instantly sound dirty.
    I'm a dirty person by default.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    -Overall, it wasn't bad. It could stand to have a lot more proofreading. I didn't point out all the errors I found, but at least some of the more notable ones. It's an interesting hook: the main character has a virtual death sentence in the opening chapter. Given his usual attitude, I imagine this will cause him to retreat inwardly and become a bigger, more spiteful jerk. But perhaps it will, instead, make him appreciate and want to use the time he has left. It's certainly a dramatic way to inspire growth in a character. And how will he deal with his health issues while out on his story?
    That remains to be seen, I won't spoil anything.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    1) Proofread more
    [2) Working on showing instead of telling.
    I will, thank you for your criticism!

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Very nice characterization of mom as a flawed human being rather than as a perfect, loving mother. She was selfish and hid things from Gabe out of her own fears. Realistic!
    Thank you!

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    -Overall, this chapter was MUCH MUCH MUCH better. More showing instead of telling. More emotion. You still have all those random italics, though, and even more of them here. I'd lose those; the story emoted quite well here without them. And having the flawed, selfish, but still very loving mother is a beautiful touch. So many times, parents are presented as some sort of paragons. Nice to see that is not the case for mom here.
    Thank you! I am glad to see it was big improvement from the last one. ^^

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    Quote Originally Posted by Janovy View Post
    It was the first time I remembered my father, Dad, with tears of genuine happiness flowing down my face. I didn’t exactly know why myself, I was a teenage boy doomed to death and despite the ominous scent of mystery within my father's words hidden deep inside a piece of paper, I kept smiling unable to wipe that silly grin off my face.
    You missed a few commas there. One before "despite", and one before "unable".

    It was a quite strange feeling for me. All these years I tried blocking myself from those memories of a man who loved me dearly, believing nothing but sadness would come out of it, but now, as the half-burnt, long forgotten words of my father reached inside my heart and soul, I could taste the bittersweet feeling of the rejuvenated memories and most of all, my rejuvenated belief.
    So he is going to stop being such an emokid? God, I hope so.

    She walked and walked, kept walking back and forth. It was a stressful feeling, a combination of remorse, excitement and unusual fear of breaking down and crying right before an important person would arrive. It was something she would usually do when forced to confront a large amount of pressure on both herself and her emotions, but Katie Amaryllis had to keep it together. She would cry on any other day, but not today. Today, she was going to do what she was born to do – amaze.
    I like that last sentence. It is interesting seeing the pressure on a pokemon professor put this way. It seemed a bit stereotypical to me to think that a woman under stress has to cry to deal with it, but I wasn't that bothered by it. And that last sentence was darn good.

    Her lab was in a surprisingly great condition, one she hasn’t seen it in ever since she moved to Viridian and began working under the supervision a few years ago. It was a moderately sized room, entirely white with the just right amount of sunlight to create a cheerful and optimistic atmosphere. Studying Pokémon genetics was a tough piece of work but somehow she always managed to pull through.
    *hadn't. Otherwise it is a tense shift. And what is "the supervision"? Is there some mysterious person in charge of her work? If so, that's an awesome subplot.

    She suddenly stopped, starting to feel strange sorrow build up from inside. The feeling dispersed upon the sudden noise from behind the door. As the door opened she suddenly found herself in the presence of two persons.
    Eh, I would just say "people".

    The first person was a middle-aged man of somewhat long, blond hair tied up in a little ponytail, albeit quite handsome in her eyes despite the obvious age difference. He seemed quite fancy judging by his attire which consisted out of classy shoes, classy suit and remarkably classy way of walking. Not to speak of his heavenly blue eyes she was immediately attracted too.
    She's a fluttery little thing, isn't she? Between being a cryer and caught up in attractive men. Anyway, I like the repetition of "classy" in this instance, but replace "way of walking". For one thing, you should say "gait" or "strut" or something instead of that phrase, but more importantly, any of those do not imply an "attire", which is what it is referring back to. Maybe say "He seemed quite fancy judging by his attire--classy shoes and suit--and his sophisticated gait".

    “I apologize for interrupting your moment of totally unobvious sexual tension, but could I get my Pokémon and like, simply leave? I’d be very pleased to leave you two alone as soon as possible.”
    It's funny in a colloquial sense, so you COULD keep it, but it's not a word. maybe "subtle" instead. It implies the same sarcasm.

    Many thoughts rushed through her head at that moment.

    The first was how the “important man” Katie was informed of looked unlike anyone she would expect to show up in her lab, she had developed a crush in an instance but her second thought interrupted the first one upon the boy's bratty words. He was a tall boy, a teenager of a messy, dirty blond hair barely reaching his shoulders. He wasn’t quite as classy as his father but a simple combination of plain white shirt and dark gray jeans seemed decent enough in her eyes.
    I hate to say it, but I'm not sure there was any aspect of that paragraph I liked. Well, the description of the teen read well, except for how Katie all-of-the-sudden knows he is the man's son (it's not a REACH of an assumption, but it's not obvious, either. It is unobvious! ). And the opening lines are just kind of awkward. Let me see... "The first thought was of Mr. Classy, and how he was not the sort of person she'd expect to see in her lab. The second was of the bratty boy who'd come in with him."

    Despite the intimidating glare from the side of his father,
    Take out the bolded part.

    Riley did not really care about the professor or the lab. All he cared about was getting away as becoming a trainer was just the opportunity he was looking for to escape from his "family". However, no matter how much he despised being in control of his father, he always enjoyed the benefits of being rich – it was one of his favorite things.
    OH NO! My least favorite thing ever! Narration shift! All of the sudden, I'm getting Riley's inner thoughts, and that is REALLY jarring. I suppose we could be operating under an omniscient narrator, but I did not get a sense of that until now, so this seems unwieldy. Until this point, every scene has had the narrator firmly attached to one person (which I think is ideal). Here, it's suddenly on a new character, mid-scene. I can't let that go. It really is one of the things that will get me almost every time.

    “If that’s the case, sure, I’ll take all three of them.”
    LOL. Nice. Someone is a spoiled jerk, yes. I you've established Riley just fine as an entitled brat between this line and his previous interaction and appearance and father that you don't even need that random narration shift to tell me about him!

    One important issue remained unresolved, though. What was I supposed to do about my mother? At this point I wasn’t even as mad at her as initially but I still felt betrayed and confused. I could understand her fear, her fear of me leaving Viridian and possibly dying on the road. But, would I really be prepared to do such thing? Would I be willing to leave everything behind and head on a journey?
    Very realistic of him to be initially upset at her, but then rapidly get over it as his mind goes elsewhere and he realizes she was not lying to him out of malice. Very well done. He's certainly progressing.

    I shortly looked behind the man. A cold look, a look of despise as I observed the other person next to the table. It felt awfully intimidating for some reason as the other boy turned around suddenly clapping his hands in a quick pace.
    This reads, at first, as Gabe giving Riley the look. Maybe just add in a short phrase. "A cold look, a look of despise MET MY GAZE as I observed..."

    That boy, Riley, he was arrogant, quite arrogant in fact.
    Make the last bit ("quite arrogant, in fact") its own sentence. It will read better.

    “Gabriel, was it? I appreciate your concern but I know what I’m doing. I’m very well aware of the typing advantages as well as disadvantages thanks to the special lessons from the side of my private teachers so I don’t think I will be needing any help from the likes of you. And by likes of you, I mean, ordinary people.”
    Take out that last line. It's harsher and more realistic without it.

    That bastard. I needed to be quick and witty but the sudden ringing in the room interrupted my thoughts. Julian answered the phone call followed by an unpleasant look on his face, the one of slight disappointment.
    Wait, how does Gabe know Julian's name?

    An explosion.

    Followed by insane release of catastrophic energy, the stone structure collapsed in a second as the smelly, pitch black smoke surrounded the entire nearby area. Much like shadows released from darkness, the mysterious figures spread in different ways. One figure, though, barely made its way out of the collapsed structure.

    Barely walking, with wounds all over the body, she didn’t care. Hunger, hatred, depression and pain – none of those mattered to her anymore. Yes, freedom was a powerful thing. And she was free.

    She was finally unbound.
    Whoa, what? What is this? New subplot! I like that. And well-written!


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  9. #9
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    Well, I'm here for the review exchange you proposed last night.

    I began reading last night after we exchanged messages, and honestly, I only put it down because I couldn't stay awake any longer. Now that I'm finished, I have to say, you've done a really good job on this.

    By looking over your post history, it would appear that this is the first time that you're going this far in attempting to complete a fic. It's actually pretty impressive so far. The strengths of this story far outweigh the few weaknesses I can find.

    In his many posts, Sid87 has made a number of great points, so I will just comment on things as I come across them.

    Right off the bat, I like your chapter titles. They're appropriately poignant and suit the mood of the story.

    I am dying – or am I?

    Because, instead of hearing the children’s wails I heard only a second earlier, the only sound I can hear is my mother downstairs, calling for me to get up. I close my eyes and open them up again, unsure whether this is reality or fiction.

    I'm not too sure you need that little square there to separate these lines from the beginning of the story proper. I think it could fold into the main chapter well enough.

    Branches swaying on the light morning breeze, the fresh smell of the autumn morning, crowds of wild Pokémon moving across the sky, all those were things that made me feel happy. My mother would often tell me how after my father died, I seemed to have changed. She said I used to posses enthusiasm over the silliest things, but that was gone now. I began questioning life and the very meaning of it. My brother called me cynical, I preferred the term realistic.

    After all, all life always ended the same way - with death.

    My father always encouraged me to become a Pokémon Trainer despite my mother’s fierce reaction towards the very topic of pocket monsters. Initially, I was ecstatic about it. I was a great battle addict who believed that if a bond between a trainer and his partner was strong enough, there would be no limits to their potential. After my father died, however, my belief faded and somewhere along the way, I lost my will for fighting as well.
    I'm really liking how his attitude about becoming a trainer is so different from what's normally seen. At this point, we've already received some great insight into his mindset.

    I could recognize that voice anywhere, it was as gentle as her soft, cherished skin and and strong as her ferocious personality. It was my mother, Jenna. She didn’t have it easy for the last couple of years and thus my brother and I kept doing our best to make her know and feel she’s not alone. She suffered a lot, though, and nothing could ever change what she went through.

    “Are you okay?” She stepped worriedly inside the room, I could notice slightly dark rings under her emerald green eyes.

    I gazed at her for a moment not realizing my head was in pain.

    “Yeah, I’m fine,” I shook my head while answering. “Did you sleep well?”

    "Oh yes, of course, I just got up earlier and being in the mood for cooking I made some special pancakes coated with the Sitrus berry syrup. What do you say? Hungry?”

    The way she phrased her sentence made me chuckle.

    “Sure, I’ll be right down.”

    She giggled before cheerfully running out of my room.

    I always felt obligated to respect my mother for what she represented. Not because she was my parent, but because she endured so much pain while having to work in order to raise both my brother and me. She was a free-spirited person, she believed in destiny, she believed that there was a greater goal behind everything. Personally, I couldn’t make myself believe any of that crap, it felt too convenient to be true.
    I like your narrative style here, too. So far, Gabriel is an interesting character, so seeing the world through his eyes is a satisfying way to read the story.

    A person suffering for a greater goal - God surely wouldn’t be that cruel.

    But I didn’t believe in God, so who was I judge?
    Even if I disagree with his philosophy, this is something I think is going to be very important. It's a simple way to see exactly how he views the world and life in general.

    I was often confused about the relationship between my brother, my father and myself. Damian was always the older sibling and yet it always seemed like as if I was the one who had more connection to Dad than he did. Damian wanted to study Pokémon battles and become a specialized trainer. After a huge argument with Mom, he set off to the Pokémon Academy but was forced to return once he learned of our fathers death.
    Good job developing their history. Really getting a good deal of information here.

    A battle between two of the most powerful trainers of Kanto was taking place as their ace Pokémon kept exchanging hurtful blows.

    I suddenly began to breathe heavily but subtly.

    On the left side of the arena, a pompous, self-absorbed prick stood in the way as if he owned the stadium. His aerial, elegantly shaped bird Pokémon confronted a fully evolved muscular, horn creature. Obviously at the greater advantage, the feathered pigeon monster, Pidgeot, covered itself in a blazing blue aura as it moved at swift, almost untraceable speed prompting the land Pokémon, Nidoking, to step back in order to prepare himself for the full impact.
    A shoutout to the intro movie of Red and Blue that had Nidorino and Gengar fighting?


    Two years ago, a lab founded by the APCS (Association of Pokémon Chairman Society) found its place in the idile of this place. In association with the famous breeders around the world, the established research lab was licensed with the ability to give away Pokémon selectively breed for the new trainers.

    The researcher in charge was a professor, a young woman, Katie Amaryllis. Soon after she settled down, I applied as an assistent. Even though most of my work consisted of taking out trash and wiping the dust, it was worth it as I got to witness her evolution research with my own eyes as well as the creation of the new Pokedex.
    Once again, this is a nice expansion on canon.

    EDIT:

    On the very left of the great desk rested a pretty young grass Pokémon. The big bulb was the first thing that caught my attention; it looked incredibly unique and mysterious at the same time. I was aware of the fact that the bulb was the source of Bulbasaur’s energy but I could only imagine what was actually inside of it.

    I chuckled taking another step closer.

    It looked at the middle one. It was obviously a fire type, judging by its lively flame on its tail; it resembled a child-kike orange lizard. The creature grinned at me, much to my surprise - that thing actually acknowledged my existence. Strange feeling of warmness overtook me.

    And the last, but not the least was the water turtle Pokémon, the only of the three who was actually frightened by my appearance.

    "Geez, I don't look that ugly, do I?"

    I muttered while grinning, though the light blue creature withdrew itself inside of its seemingly adamant shell.
    This is good. By giving each of the starters their own unique introduction instead of just describing them, you add an additional level of character to each one. Changing things up by having Squirtle react the way it did was a good move, also.

    “What are you doing here?”

    Her high-pitched voice was as “charming” as always. Professor Amaryllis or how I wasn’t allowed to call her, Katie, was a pretty woman with stunning looks for her age. She was barely in her thirties but I insisted on calling her an, and I quote, “old hag" much to her dismay. We didn’t share exactly a friendly relationship but for some odd reason she kept me around. Perhaps it was due to the mutual respect we felt for each other.

    “Umm, I came to work?” I answered keeping my stare focused at the Pokémon.

    “Your services are not needed today, now shoo!” She pointed towards the door.

    Yes, the respect we felt for each other.
    I'll admit, the placement of this dialogue felt a little off, but that's a problem that's easily fixed. All you need to do is mention before the starters come in that Gabriel doesn't see Amaryllis anywhere.

    She replied hastily starting to hit me. Prof. Amaryllis was usually a kind person – that is, when she wasn’t being a total bi*ch towards me.
    The first sentence would be better worded as "Her hasty reply started to hit me," but I'll cover language issues more later. Just so you know, though, you don't have to censor "*****" like that, unless it's a personal thing, which I respect.

    “Because a boy whose father is one of the men founding my research and the lab is coming today for his first Pokémon along with him. I want everything to be flawless and for that to happen, you need to go.”
    It should be "funding my research."


    It was one of the rare moments of friendship and understanding between the professor and me. I could see that in her genuine smile she cared about me and that molesting me 24/7 was just one of her festishes both she and I enjoyed. I chuckled to myself deciding to leave the lab. And then, I suddenly felt it.
    I'm assuming the "24/7 molesting" is not to be taken literally.

    "They have the diagnosis," she said weakly, almost as if she was forcing herself to speak out the words.

    "And?" I asked, this time with a bit more concern.

    I can still remember the moment when she said it. "Do you really want to know?"

    She broke out in a terrible cry again; her sadness started tearing my heart apart. I never saw her so sad, she was always a cheerful housewife full of love and happiness for all, but now - she was different. She had lost my father and felt almost as if she was going to lose me as well.

    "Mom, tell me! What happened, what's wrong?" I grabbed her gentle hands hoping that would calm her. She got up slowly placing her legs over my bed, she lay by my side. It reminded of the times when we would read good night stories together before I fell asleep. Leaning her head on mine, she started whispering, her hand tightly holding mine.
    I really like this. It's not clear yet where this plot thread is going to go, but it's early in the story so that's okay. I think that whatever illness he has can potentially be an enhancement to the story if it is handled well. In this case, you're handling it reasonably well so far, and the device of not revealing the diagnosis is effective.

    Chapter I: Never Ask Why


    It used to happen often, back when he was still around.

    <snip>
    Emotional scenes like this one are very important. This one was especially well-placed as it came after Gabriel's diagnosis, which gives it an even more bittersweet taste.

    „Gabriel,“ he mumbled out but couldn’t seem to say anything else. Nothing that didn’t surprise me, he was never a great talker and as such, we rarely shared intimate conversations.
    What happened to the quotation mark there?

    I could see it the darkness of his black eyes, his pupils widened in shock as if I had said something terrible. His face suddenly went pale as he rushed out of the room.
    I would personally go with "His face suddenly went pale, and he rushed out of the room."

    „What the hell are you doing?“ his shout intimidated me, I never saw him this pissed. Uncomfortable silence slowly made its way into the room as she began crying once more. Who was this woman in front of me? Quiet sobbing penetrating the soft silence, a reminder of the fateful night I caught my father crying.
    Very poignant imagery born through good use of words. Well done.

    Was I really supposed to believe that the supposed “God” would have separated a loving family a piece by piece only for its own personal amusement or so-called greater purpose? I doubted it. There was no destiny, there were no dreams - there was only a cruel reality. Because at the end of the day, people we love the most betray us in ways we would have never imagined.

    We are born alone, we live alone and we die alone.
    Again, this attitude of his could develop into something that gives us a very unique perspective on the world. I'm very intrigued by it.

    “I knew how much your father urged you to become a Pokémon Trainer and exactly how much your goal meant to him. I didn’t want you to leave, Gabriel. I was afraid that his words would encourage you to move on and do what you always dreamed of – which was leaving Viridian and deciding to travel.”
    I have to give you great applause here. I'm simply loving how you're presenting the decisions surrounding Gabriel's yet-to-begin journey as having very real consequences and difficulties within his family situation. This is something that is unfortunately rare in journeyfics.

    Though I am left to wonder, why does this problem not also affect Damian?

    … … … 10 … I … do … just ... I know that my words, my actions, my tears of regret will never … able to make up for the terrible destiny I linked to you, but I will keep hoping for your forgiveness. Mistakes can’t be erased but I can only say that no matter how bad the things seem, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Nothing is set in stone, Gabriel, you are the forger of your own destiny.

    Don’t let anything stop you, my angel.

    Spread your wings and fly.
    With all my love, Dad.
    We can gleam some very useful information from this.

        Spoiler:- Speculation:


    She walked and walked, kept walking back and forth. It was a stressful feeling, a combination of remorse, excitement and unusual fear of breaking down and crying right before an important person would arrive. It was something she would usually do when forced to confront a large amount of pressure on both herself and her emotions, but Katie Amaryllis had to keep it together. She would cry on any other day, but not today. Today, she was going to do what she was born to do – amaze.

    Her lab was in a surprisingly great condition, one she hasn’t seen it in ever since she moved to Viridian and began working under the supervision a few years ago. It was a moderately sized room, entirely white with the just right amount of sunlight to create a cheerful and optimistic atmosphere. Studying Pokémon genetics was a tough piece of work but somehow she always managed to pull through.

    Katie often pretended not to know the reason, but deep inside, she knew it was all thanks to the hard work of her assistant, Gabriel, with whom she argued often.
    Okay, a couple of criticisms here.

    One, this scene is quite a bit lighter than the intense scenes prior to it. This leads to a jarring transition between the two. My suggestion would be to place something of moderate intensity between the two scenes, perhaps another flashback to a happier time with Gabriel's father.

    Two, you slip into a different perspective in the last line when you mention "her assistant Gabriel." In order for it to match the rest of the story, it would have to say something like "my hard work as her assistant."

    The first person was a middle-aged man of somewhat long, blond hair tied up in a little ponytail, albeit quite handsome in her eyes despite the obvious age difference. He seemed quite fancy judging by his attire which consisted out of classy shoes, classy suit and remarkably classy way of walking. Not to speak of his heavenly blue eyes she was immediately attracted too.
    This subplot with Amaryllis crushing on Julian could prove interesting, but you'll have to use it carefully.

    “Sullivan? Gabriel Sullivan? Are you the son of Samuel Sullivan?”

    A gasp of surprise escaped my breath – this man knew my father.

    “Um, yes I am. You knew him?”

    He laughed loudly; I could only assume he did.

    “Of course I knew him. Old Sammy and I went to college together; we even shared the same job. Boy, those were good times.”
    I see an interesting dynamic developing. Julian knows who Gabriel's father was, Amaryllis is crushing on Julian, Gabriel has to come to terms with his situation in his father's shadow and is working for Amaryllis - this is a situation taking shape that may lead to something.

    An explosion.

    Followed by insane release of catastrophic energy, the stone structure collapsed in a second as the smelly, pitch black smoke surrounded the entire nearby area. Much like shadows released from darkness, the mysterious figures spread in different ways. One figure, though, barely made its way out of the collapsed structure.

    Barely walking, with wounds all over the body, she didn’t care. Hunger, hatred, depression and pain – none of those mattered to her anymore. Yes, freedom was a powerful thing. And she was free.

    She was finally unbound.


    To Be Continued...
    And then something completely new comes out of left field. I have to admit, if nothing else, you're good at throwing curveballs like this. I'm certainly enthusiastic to find out where this is leading.

    So in conclusion, what I'm seeing here is a well-structured, ambitious story that wants to do more than just be another journeyfic. It's clear that there are things we do not yet know about Gabriel's father, his illness and how those things relate to each other. You've done well getting my attention invested in the events of the story, and I want to know more about Gabriel and his situation. He's certainly a likeable character, as are most of the others, so that helps you as well.

    I know you raised a concern about possibly having trouble with English as it is not your first language. That is actually not too big a problem, I'd say. There were some points with awkward wording and occasional fits of sentences being too wordy for their own good, but honestly, these things are nothing a good beta reader couldn't help you sort out.

    All in all, I'm pretty glad you proposed our review exchange. This was (and will be) worth reading.
    Last edited by The Great Butler; 4th June 2012 at 7:37 AM.

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  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    You missed a few commas there. One before "despite", and one before "unable".
    Alright!

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    So he is going to stop being such an emokid? God, I hope so.
    He's not that much of an emokid. :P

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I like that last sentence. It is interesting seeing the pressure on a pokemon professor put this way. It seemed a bit stereotypical to me to think that a woman under stress has to cry to deal with it, but I wasn't that bothered by it. And that last sentence was darn good.
    Thank you!

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Is there some mysterious person in charge of her work? If so, that's an awesome subplot.
    Maybe, I don't even know yet. :P It's there to let us know that she's still a new professor and not quite as established as other of the regional professors.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    She's a fluttery little thing, isn't she? Between being a cryer and caught up in attractive men. Anyway, I like the repetition of "classy" in this instance, but replace "way of walking". For one thing, you should say "gait" or "strut" or something instead of that phrase, but more importantly, any of those do not imply an "attire", which is what it is referring back to. Maybe say "He seemed quite fancy judging by his attire--classy shoes and suit--and his sophisticated gait".
    Yeah, I need to work on my vocabulary! xD

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    It's funny in a colloquial sense, so you COULD keep it, but it's not a word. maybe "subtle" instead. It implies the same sarcasm.
    Haha, but the former sounds so much better. :P

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I hate to say it, but I'm not sure there was any aspect of that paragraph I liked. Well, the description of the teen read well, except for how Katie all-of-the-sudden knows he is the man's son (it's not a REACH of an assumption, but it's not obvious, either. It is unobvious! ). And the opening lines are just kind of awkward. Let me see... "The first thought was of Mr. Classy, and how he was not the sort of person she'd expect to see in her lab. The second was of the bratty boy who'd come in with him."
    I see, I'm going to try and rephrase that line - it does sound awkward now that I think about it. Thanks for pointing it out!

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Take out the bolded part.
    Okay!

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    OH NO! My least favorite thing ever! Narration shift! All of the sudden, I'm getting Riley's inner thoughts, and that is REALLY jarring. I suppose we could be operating under an omniscient narrator, but I did not get a sense of that until now, so this seems unwieldy. Until this point, every scene has had the narrator firmly attached to one person (which I think is ideal). Here, it's suddenly on a new character, mid-scene. I can't let that go. It really is one of the things that will get me almost every time.
    It wasn't really a narration shift. We have two narrations; 1st person in form of Gabriel and 3rd person narration in form of the author. If you haven't noticed, that shift occurred at the very beginning of the chapter with professor Amaryliss in the lab. And then when Gabe appeared, I shifted back to 1st person.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Very realistic of him to be initially upset at her, but then rapidly get over it as his mind goes elsewhere and he realizes she was not lying to him out of malice. Very well done. He's certainly progressing.
    Oh, he has a long way to go.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Wait, how does Gabe know Julian's name?
    She just introduced them to each other. :P

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Whoa, what? What is this? New subplot! I like that. And well-written!
    A subplot for now. It will turn out much more important later on!

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    Well, I'm here for the review exchange you proposed last night.
    And I'm happy you're here!

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    Right off the bat, I like your chapter titles. They're appropriately poignant and suit the mood of the story.
    I do my best to choose the right titles, thank you! I'm glad someone noticed it! ^^

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    I'm not too sure you need that little square there to separate these lines from the beginning of the story proper. I think it could fold into the main chapter well enough.
    Never mind those, haha. Do they bother you?

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    I'm really liking how his attitude about becoming a trainer is so different from what's normally seen. At this point, we've already received some great insight into his mindset.
    Thank you!

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    I like your narrative style here, too. So far, Gabriel is an interesting character, so seeing the world through his eyes is a satisfying way to read the story.
    I hope he remains being interesting, thanks!

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    Even if I disagree with his philosophy, this is something I think is going to be very important. It's a simple way to see exactly how he views the world and life in general.
    Exactly! Not everyone shares the same opinion and with everything he went through - I guess one can understand why he would feel that way.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    Good job developing their history. Really getting a good deal of information here.
    Thanks, though next chapter will revolve more about his brother.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    A shoutout to the intro movie of Red and Blue that had Nidorino and Gengar fighting?
    Oh wow, I didn't even notice it. Yeah, that wasn't intentional, sorry. ^^;

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    Once again, this is a nice expansion on canon.
    The story takes place many years after the Kanto events so it's only natural that things would change and develop. Many of these little things will be noticeable throughout the chapters.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    I'll admit, the placement of this dialogue felt a little off, but that's a problem that's easily fixed. All you need to do is mention before the starters come in that Gabriel doesn't see Amaryllis anywhere.
    I see, thanks!

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    Just so you know, though, you don't have to censor "*****" like that, unless it's a personal thing, which I respect.
    I don't really censor it, it's more like, the forums censor it, haha. I have no problems with it though it seems that forums do that by themselves. Or is there a way to turn the censoring off?

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    It should be "funding my research."
    Ah! So many mistakes. ;_;

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    I'm assuming the "24/7 molesting" is not to be taken literally.
    It's just our Gabriel, exaggerating as always. :P

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    I really like this. It's not clear yet where this plot thread is going to go, but it's early in the story so that's okay. I think that whatever illness he has can potentially be an enhancement to the story if it is handled well. In this case, you're handling it reasonably well so far, and the device of not revealing the diagnosis is effective.
    The illness will play an important role. Yes, it has something to do with Gabriel's father and Gabriel himself, as you may have noticed. The illness ... it will play a critically large role. But I guess that'll be witnessed later on.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    What happened to the quotation mark there?
    I don't know, man, I gotta fix those. :S

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    I would personally go with "His face suddenly went pale, and he rushed out of the room."
    Simple yet as effective, thanks.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    Though I am left to wonder, why does this problem not also affect Damian?
    Damian wants Gabriel to leave, but, I'll leave the next chapter for that. :P

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    We can gleam some very useful information from this.

        Spoiler:- Speculation:
    You're quite close, in fact, I'm impressed by your observation skills as well as your deduction skills. Yes, like I already said before, Gabriel's father is involved and has something to do with the disease.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    One, this scene is quite a bit lighter than the intense scenes prior to it. This leads to a jarring transition between the two. My suggestion would be to place something of moderate intensity between the two scenes, perhaps another flashback to a happier time with Gabriel's father.
    I'll be honest with you, I didn't really think of that so I'm really grateful you pointed it out. All of your advice is really useful!

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    Two, you slip into a different perspective in the last line when you mention "her assistant Gabriel." In order for it to match the rest of the story, it would have to say something like "my hard work as her assistant."
    FUUUUUU- eh, thanks. ^^;

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    This subplot with Amaryllis crushing on Julian could prove interesting, but you'll have to use it carefully.
    I will say nothing, though you've given me some ideas.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    I see an interesting dynamic developing. Julian knows who Gabriel's father was, Amaryllis is crushing on Julian, Gabriel has to come to terms with his situation in his father's shadow and is working for Amaryllis - this is a situation taking shape that may lead to something.
    Hmm, you're not that far off. Julian is an important person in all of this.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    And then something completely new comes out of left field. I have to admit, if nothing else, you're good at throwing curveballs like this. I'm certainly enthusiastic to find out where this is leading.
    Pretty much like your story, all of the stuff that may seem random, it is actually connected to something much, much bigger.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    I know you raised a concern about possibly having trouble with English as it is not your first language. That is actually not too big a problem, I'd say. There were some points with awkward wording and occasional fits of sentences being too wordy for their own good, but honestly, these things are nothing a good beta reader couldn't help you sort out.
    I understand. Well, to be honest, these first few chapters were done when I didn't have a beta reader yet and I didn't really proofread myself, so I'll have to take some time and proofread the next chapter carefully.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    All in all, I'm pretty glad you proposed our review exchange. This was (and will be) worth reading.
    I'm really happy you feel that way, I also feel like this review exchange will be worth of something. Thank you, both of you, for your kind words and honest criticism - I shall do my best in combining the two in order to come out with an even better chapter next time!

  11. #11
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    Here is chapter three, I hope you like it! ^^

    Italics - flashbacks and memories.


    Chapter III: Broken Wings


    I didn’t wanna tell him, but I knew I had to.

    It wasn’t a big deal, though I had to make sure just in case.

    Otherwise he would have developed this crazy, completely outlandish idea of some sort inside of his head - like the idea of me possibly agreeing to help Riley simply in order to get away from Viridan, to get away from my inescapable problems. Maybe he would have thought that anyway. It was crazy, I knew, but how plausible would his idea have been? I knew by myself that the only reason I had decided to help Riley was to teach him a lesson. He was snobby; he thought that he was better than me. There was no other reason than that.

    Yes.

    No other reason.

    Or so I thought.

    *

    The weather was sunny that fateful day and yet it felt gray and colorless more than ever. The tiny, pigeon Pokémon colored in patches of brown color were singing cheerfully, the tiny purple-white mouse Pokémon were being as playful as always and I - I was outside, sitting at the doorstep of our house, crying. It had only been a day since the news of my father's death had reached our family and due to his body never being recovered; we delayed the funeral in frightening and yet relief-filled anticipation of my brother's return from the academy.

    “Gabe?” I could recognize his deep voice anywhere.

    I looked in front of me trying to avoid the inevitable eye contact - I couldn’t muster the courage to look him in the eyes; I felt fear – a fear of seeing tears coming from his eyes. I noticed he was still in his dark, nicely designed academy uniform; he must have rushed back without even changing his clothes.

    He knelt down in front of me; I peered at the ground again.

    I was afraid.

    I could sense his breath on my skin; I could hear his pumping heartbeats as he approached me. Our heads lightly touched as his hands embraced me. He was crying, sobbing - my big brother was actually crying in front of my very eyes. The realization of that stroke me harder than ever. It was the moment when I realized that things would never be the same again.

    We cried together.

    It was a gray and colorless day.


    *

    It was strange how much I’ve gotten used to the wide, often packed with people, gray streets of Viridian. The city wasn’t anything special as I preferred it back in the days when I first moved here but somehow walking through the streets of Viridian felt nostalgic despite me not feeling the same passion towards as before. Viridian city grew a lot in these last years as evident by the major development of the suburban area simply referred to as Viridian town – a place where my family miraculously got a place to live right after we moved from Saffron.

    I never understood how, though.

    My father must have had some connections.

    The streets were bustling with people; I couldn’t help but to wonder at the everyday busyness of the people nowadays. The air was smelly and felt like gasoline, but strangely enough, I adored that scent. I always did. Though I couldn’t deny the fact that the people were ruining this planet little by little, it was a proven fact and they could do nothing to prevent it, even if they set their minds to do so.

    Not that they would, anyway.

    I breathed out as I looked across the crowded street; a great, tower-like building in design of an enormous, stone tree was rising from the ground surpassing the height of some average-sized buildings of this city. It was the official Viridian City Pokémon Gym, a structure that has been recently renovated with the arrival of a new gym leader. At the same time, the structure served its function as the Pokémon Trainer Club, allowing its enormous size to fit areas specially designed for challenges and Pokémon battles – it was a training hotspot for many trainers, especially hardcore battlers.

    Yes, that was the place where my brother was working. The whole building in itself never ceased to amaze me, whenever I would visit it, I’d feel the same enthusiasm and the monumental feeling of it enthrall me. It was simply one colossal structure.

    I slowly walked across the cemented path allowing the glass door to open by themselves. I was afraid that Damian wouldn't share the same enthusiasm, though. And I was even more afraid that my assumptions would be correct.

    “Hey,” I greeted him with a gentle smile.

    He didn't seem pleased.

    -

    “You are such an ass!” He dragged me out of the building.

    Charming words, though I expected nothing less from him. He was pissed and I could understand why. He cared about Mom; he cared a lot about her. One thing he didn’t understand though was the subtle hatred that was slumbering within me. He was not the person denied of the last will from his father, I was. And that, he would never understand.

    “You know, just because you’re dying doesn’t mean I can’t beat the crap out of you right now! Why the hell did you just leave? Do you know how much you've hurt her?”

    I remained silent, waiting for the moment when I could strike hard.

    “You don’t care about anyone but yourself, huh? You’re so damn egoistic!”

    His words tempted my slumbering rage evoking me to suddenly react.

    “Would you just shut up?” I yelled at him furiously.

    “You were not the one who had his letter hidden by her! And you know how much I cried because of Dad’s death and you know how much I cared about him and yet you still took her side at the end of the day. Am I really being the egoistic one when her selfish wishes were the reason I didn’t get the letter in the first place?”

    "It's like I was denied of my right to be happy," I continued erratically, "she didn’t even give me the chance to fully read it. She burned a half of it! I’m sorry but I can’t forgive her!”

    I felt disgusted.

    Not disgusted by what my mother had done, but by the fact that it only took a moment for me to realize that I actually felt something resembling hatred for my mother, a woman who gave birth to me, who took care of me throughout my sixteen years of life. At first I thought that my hatred would eventually pass, but his words simply re-incinerated my emotions.

    I hated her, I was disgusted by that fact, but I couldn't deny that feeling.

    “Gabriel, she’s afraid of losing you, we both are,” he stated in a much lower tone than before.

    We stared at each other for a good couple of seconds. It was amazing how much he had changed from his younger academy days. His body was now fully muscular, his hair being fully dark, short and tidy which suited nicely his deeply brown, hazel eyes.

    Damian sighed scratching the back of his head.

    “Alright,” he exhaled. “We both need to chill out. Let’s have a drink, my treat."

    I stared at him for a moment before eventually agreeing.

    We walked down the road as the sun began to set. It was a gorgeous sight; all the street lights of the city slowly began shimmering as if by magic as the shadows of the night slowly overtook the last remaining bits of the daylight. This place was actually looking gorgeous for once.

    Soon enough, we arrived.

    “Café Vertania,” the great logo above the structure said. It was a moderately sized café, pretty from the outside, classy from the inside.

    A place where I’ve never been before, that’s for sure.

    “Good evening. What would you like to order?” The waiter approached us subtly though in a speedy manner; he was an expect, alright.

    “Hmm, I’ll take café au lait, please!”

    "Coffee oh what?" The waiter looked at me patiently, waiting for me to make up my mind. A sudden and pretty painful kick from Damian’s side rushed my decision though.

    “Soda pop, please,” I requested as politely as I could.

    “No. He’ll take café au lait, too!”

    What? The café waiter nodded slowly, leaving the two of us alone at the squared, nicely carved wooden table. I looked at him confusingly, wondering why he had just done that.

    “Why did you just do that?” I spoke my thoughts out in annoyance.

    “What? You don’t like coffee?” He grinned almost mockingly.

    “No, I don’t!” I responded sharply.

    “Did you ever even try coffee?” He was really mocking me.

    He grinned again, I rolled my eyes.

    “Whatever, you’ll see by yourself that I dislike it.”

    In a few minutes, the waiter was back with two quite warm, white coffee cups. I wasn’t sure what to think of it, it was lightly brown, but it resembled chocolate milk with a few white spots in it; I could only hope it'd be as delicious as chocolate milk.

    “You know, you’ll have to forgive her eventually.”

    “Could we please not talk about Mom right now?”

    “Alright. Gabriel, do you know why I initially wished to become a gym leader?”

    His words threw me off. I suddenly found myself lost in the moment. This definitely wasn’t the topic I wished to discuss. Honestly, I never really liked the fact he was forced to leave the academy due to lack of money resources after our father died and I even more disliked the fact he was forced to find a job in order to help out Mom. Although Mom received incomes from social services, they weren't really of much help as Damian decided to help her out as much as he could.

    “No,” I simply muttered at loss of words.

    “It’s because of you.”

    Unsure of what to say next I slowly grabbed the hold of the boiling cup. He stared directly at me as I suddenly looked down. I slowly picked the coffee cup up bringing it closer to my mouth, absorbing the delicious essence of the coffee - its smell. Blowing at it lightly a few times, I brought it up to my mouth slowly starting to drink out of it. It was still quite hot but I endured it, the aftertaste on my burning tongue was unique and kind of sweet – it tasted a little bit like milk.

    I carefully put the cup down.

    “This actually isn’t so bad. When did you start drinking coffee?”

    He said nothing. Damian must have realized I was trying to change the topic, I thought.

    “You know, I was always jealous of you, Gabriel,” his first sentence caught me off guard; once again, I was speechless.

    “Even back when you were just a kid, I was jealous as hell,” he chuckled taking his sip of coffee.

    “You were always so enthusiastic and full of hopes and dreams. I was jealous, because, he always paid more attention to you. He encouraged you, because you had dreams and I, on the other hand, had none.”

    "I wanted more attention, I wanted more love,” he continued, “so I decided to do something different, something our father had always wished to accomplish but never managed to do so.”

    “He wanted to become a gym leader?” I asked in surprise.

    Damian smiled. “No, he actually wanted to enroll on the academy. But his parents never allowed him to do so; at least that’s what he told me.”

    “Why are you telling me all of this?” I asked in irritating confusion.

    “Because I wanted you to know that I was never really jealous like I initially thought. It was more like a feeling of admiration. And I miss that, I miss that feeling, feeling of admiration for old Gabriel."

    “Old Gabriel is gone,” I frowned. “He was crushed by tragedy and death. The new Gabriel isn’t as stupid as the old one, he’s clever and he knows that dreams never come true.”

    “Gabe, just because I never managed to fully realize my dreams does not mean in any way that you should give up. My wings may have been broken, but you are still able to fly, Gabriel. Dad would definitely say that, he always wanted for his children to become something unique, something he could never be.”

    I couldn’t believe it. It was almost as if I was reliving the past with my brother trying to reawaken my previously lost hopes and ambitions much like Dad did before him.

    Unable to respond to his words, I took another sip of coffee.

    It tasted good.

    -

    I was home.

    “Hey, Mom.”

    There she was, standing on the floor, with tears on her eyes as if she’s been waiting all day for me to come back home. My arrival put a wide smile on her face as she spread her arms towards me. But I couldn’t forgive her yet. As much as I felt bad about her and despite my wish to understand motives behind her actions, I was deeply hurt.

    I didn't expect anyone to understand me.

    No one could understand me.

    “I’m going to bed now,” exchanging glances with Damian, I ran upstairs.

    It was a long day, a day of great decisions.

    My first decision was already made a day before. It was to stop crying over my sickness and deal with the harsh reality; tears wouldn’t fix a thing, I wouldn't magically get better over night. I needed to focus myself on something else. My second decision was that I had decided to “help” that boy, Riley, reach Pewter city safely and without trouble.

    And my third decision, well, I decided not to tell him, my brother. Because I believe we both would have come to the same, inevitable conclusion. I wanted to travel, I wanted to escape. Escape from the pain, escape from my problems.

    Because that’s who I was at the end of the day – a boy with his days numbered.

    For the sake of my cursed family.

    To Be Continued ...
    Last edited by Janovy; 4th June 2012 at 10:31 PM.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
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    New Tork City
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    7,702

    Default

    The squares don't bother me, it was just that one time I didn't think it was necessary.

    Quote Originally Posted by Janovy View Post
    Chapter III: Broken Wings
    I want to mention, I read this great fic a while ago with the title Broken Wings. It's probably ten years old now, but you can still find it on FF.net.

    I didn’t wanna tell him, but I knew I had to.

    It wasn’t a big deal, though I had to make sure just in case.

    Otherwise he would have developed this crazy, completely outlandish idea of some sort inside of his head - like the idea of me possibly agreeing to help Riley simply in order to get away from Viridan, to get away from my inescapable problems. Maybe he would have thought that anyway. It was crazy, I knew, but how plausible would his idea have been? I knew by myself that the only reason I had decided to help Riley was to teach him a lesson. He was snobby; he thought that he was better than me. There was no other reason than that.

    Yes.

    No other reason.

    Or so I thought.

    *
    Is it correct to assume that this is referring to telling Damian?

    The star is nicer to look at than the square, in my opinion.

    The weather was sunny that fateful day and yet it felt gray and colorless more than ever. The tiny, pigeon Pokémon colored in patches of brown color were singing cheerfully, the tiny purple-white mouse Pokémon were being as playful as always and I - I was outside, sitting at the doorstep of our house, crying. It had only been a day since the news of my father's death had reached our family and due to his body never being recovered; we delayed the funeral in frightening and yet relief-filled anticipation of my brother's return from the academy.


    You should drop the use of "color" in the second sentence.

    By saying that it took some amount of time for the news of their father's death to "reach his family," you're implying that he was not with them. I wonder where he was, then?

    “Gabe?” I could recognize his deep voice anywhere.

    I looked in front of me trying to avoid the inevitable eye contact - I couldn’t muster the courage to look him in the eyes; I felt fear – a fear of seeing tears coming from his eyes. I noticed he was still in his dark, nicely designed academy uniform; he must have rushed back without even changing his clothes.

    He knelt down in front of me; I peered at the ground again.

    I was afraid.

    I could sense his breath on my skin; I could hear his pumping heartbeats as he approached me. Our heads lightly touched as his hands embraced me. He was crying, sobbing - my big brother was actually crying in front of my very eyes. The realization of that stroke me harder than ever. It was the moment when I realized that things would never be the same again.

    We cried together.

    It was a gray and colorless day.

    *
    A lot of powerful imagery here. In particular, the effort Gabriel puts into not looking Damian in the eyes is striking, as is the emotion of the "my big brother was actually crying" line.

    It was strange how much I’ve gotten used to the wide, often packed with people, gray streets of Viridian. The city wasn’t anything special as I preferred it back in the days when I first moved here but somehow walking through the streets of Viridian felt nostalgic despite me not feeling the same passion towards as before. Viridian city grew a lot in these last years as evident by the major development of the suburban area simply referred to as Viridian town – a place where my family miraculously got a place to live right after we moved from Saffron.

    I never understood how, though.

    My father must have had some connections.

    The streets were bustling with people; I couldn’t help but to wonder at the everyday busyness of the people nowadays. The air was smelly and felt like gasoline, but strangely enough, I adored that scent. I always did. Though I couldn’t deny the fact that the people were ruining this planet little by little, it was a proven fact and they could do nothing to prevent it, even if they set their minds to do so.
    You have some good imagery here as well, but these passages would really have benefited from a beta reader. Several of the sentences, in particular the second sentence of the first paragraph, are far too wordy and would benefit from being whittled down into smaller sentences.

    Not that they would, anyway.

    I breathed out as I looked across the crowded street; a great, tower-like building in design of an enormous, stone tree was rising from the ground surpassing the height of some average-sized buildings of this city. It was the official Viridian City Pokémon Gym, a structure that has been recently renovated with the arrival of a new gym leader. At the same time, the structure served its function as the Pokémon Trainer Club, allowing its enormous size to fit areas specially designed for challenges and Pokémon battles – it was a training hotspot for many trainers, especially hardcore battlers.

    Yes, that was the place where my brother was working. The whole building in itself never ceased to amaze me, whenever I would visit it, I’d feel the same enthusiasm and the monumental feeling of it enthrall me. It was simply one colossal structure.
    This is pretty neat. I like it.

    I slowly walked across the cemented path allowing the glass door to open by themselves. I was afraid that Damian wouldn't share the same enthusiasm, though. And I was even more afraid that my assumptions would be correct.

    “Hey,” I greeted him with a gentle smile.

    He didn't seem pleased.

    -

    “You are such an ass!” He dragged me out of the building.

    Charming words, though I expected nothing less from him. He was pissed and I could understand why. He cared about Mom; he cared a lot about her. One thing he didn’t understand though was the subtle hatred that was slumbering within me. He was not the person denied of the last will from his father, I was. And that, he would never understand.

    “You know, just because you’re dying doesn’t mean I can’t beat the crap out of you right now! Why the hell did you just leave? Do you know how much you've hurt her?”
    This was expected. I didn't think Damian would take Gabriel's plans well.

    I remained silent, waiting for the moment when I could strike hard.

    “You don’t care about anyone but yourself, huh? You’re so damn egoistic!”
    Egotistic.

    His words tempted my slumbering rage evoking me to suddenly react.

    “Would you just shut up?” I yelled at him furiously.

    “You were not the one who had his letter hidden by her! And you know how much I cried because of Dad’s death and you know how much I cared about him and yet you still took her side at the end of the day. Am I really being the egoistic one when her selfish wishes were the reason I didn’t get the letter in the first place?”

    "It's like I was denied of my right to be happy," I continued erratically, "she didn’t even give me the chance to fully read it. She burned a half of it! I’m sorry but I can’t forgive her!”

    I felt disgusted.

    Not disgusted by what my mother had done, but by the fact that it only took a moment for me to realize that I actually felt something resembling hatred for my mother, a woman who gave birth to me, who took care of me throughout my sixteen years of life. At first I thought that my hatred would eventually pass, but his words simply re-incinerated my emotions.

    I hated her, I was disgusted by that fact, but I couldn't deny that feeling.

    “Gabriel, she’s afraid of losing you, we both are,” he stated in a much lower tone than before.
    Nice job capturing the intense emotions of this scene.

    We stared at each other for a good couple of seconds. It was amazing how much he had changed from his younger academy days. His body was now fully muscular, his hair being fully dark, short and tidy which suited nicely his deeply brown, hazel eyes.
    The description of Damian's physical appearance feels a little bit out of place.

    Damian sighed scratching the back of his head.

    “Alright,” he exhaled. “We both need to chill out. Let’s have a drink, my treat."

    I stared at him for a moment before eventually agreeing.

    We walked down the road as the sun began to set. It was a gorgeous sight; all the street lights of the city slowly began shimmering as if by magic as the shadows of the night slowly overtook the last remaining bits of the daylight. This place was actually looking gorgeous for once.

    Soon enough, we arrived.

    “Café Vertania,” the great logo above the structure said. It was a moderately sized café, pretty from the outside, classy from the inside.

    A place where I’ve never been before, that’s for sure.

    “Good evening. What would you like to order?” The waiter approached us subtly though in a speedy manner; he was an expect, alright.

    “Hmm, I’ll take café au lait, please!”

    "Coffee oh what?" The waiter looked at me patiently, waiting for me to make up my mind. A sudden and pretty painful kick from Damian’s side rushed my decision though.

    “Soda pop, please,” I requested as politely as I could.

    “No. He’ll take café au lait, too!”

    What? The café waiter nodded slowly, leaving the two of us alone at the squared, nicely carved wooden table. I looked at him confusingly, wondering why he had just done that.

    “Why did you just do that?” I spoke my thoughts out in annoyance.

    “What? You don’t like coffee?” He grinned almost mockingly.

    “No, I don’t!” I responded sharply.

    “Did you ever even try coffee?” He was really mocking me.

    He grinned again, I rolled my eyes.

    “Whatever, you’ll see by yourself that I dislike it.”

    In a few minutes, the waiter was back with two quite warm, white coffee cups. I wasn’t sure what to think of it, it was lightly brown, but it resembled chocolate milk with a few white spots in it; I could only hope it'd be as delicious as chocolate milk.
    Nothing much to comment on here.

    “You know, you’ll have to forgive her eventually.”

    “Could we please not talk about Mom right now?”

    “Alright. Gabriel, do you know why I initially wished to become a gym leader?”

    His words threw me off. I suddenly found myself lost in the moment. This definitely wasn’t the topic I wished to discuss. Honestly, I never really liked the fact he was forced to leave the academy due to lack of money resources after our father died and I even more disliked the fact he was forced to find a job in order to help out Mom. Although Mom received incomes from social services, they weren't really of much help as Damian decided to help her out as much as he could.

    “No,” I simply muttered at loss of words.

    “It’s because of you.”

    Unsure of what to say next I slowly grabbed the hold of the boiling cup. He stared directly at me as I suddenly looked down. I slowly picked the coffee cup up bringing it closer to my mouth, absorbing the delicious essence of the coffee - its smell. Blowing at it lightly a few times, I brought it up to my mouth slowly starting to drink out of it. It was still quite hot but I endured it, the aftertaste on my burning tongue was unique and kind of sweet – it tasted a little bit like milk.

    I carefully put the cup down.

    “This actually isn’t so bad. When did you start drinking coffee?”

    He said nothing. Damian must have realized I was trying to change the topic, I thought.
    I'm glad Damian isn't letting him change the topic, actually. I want to hear more about his goal of being a Gym Leader.

    “You know, I was always jealous of you, Gabriel,” his first sentence caught me off guard; once again, I was speechless.

    “Even back when you were just a kid, I was jealous as hell,” he chuckled taking his sip of coffee.

    “You were always so enthusiastic and full of hopes and dreams. I was jealous, because, he always paid more attention to you. He encouraged you, because you had dreams and I, on the other hand, had none.”

    "I wanted more attention, I wanted more love,” he continued, “so I decided to do something different, something our father had always wished to accomplish but never managed to do so.”

    “He wanted to become a gym leader?” I asked in surprise.

    Damian smiled. “No, he actually wanted to enroll on the academy. But his parents never allowed him to do so; at least that’s what he told me.”
    I wonder if you'll tell us more about this academy in the future. It sounds like something that may be important.

    “Why are you telling me all of this?” I asked in irritating confusion.

    “Because I wanted you to know that I was never really jealous like I initially thought. It was more like a feeling of admiration. And I miss that, I miss that feeling, feeling of admiration for old Gabriel."

    “Old Gabriel is gone,” I frowned. “He was crushed by tragedy and death. The new Gabriel isn’t as stupid as the old one, he’s clever and he knows that dreams never come true.”

    “Gabe, just because I never managed to fully realize my dreams does not mean in any way that you should give up. My wings may have been broken, but you are still able to fly, Gabriel. Dad would definitely say that, he always wanted for his children to become something unique, something he could never be.”

    I couldn’t believe it. It was almost as if I was reliving the past with my brother trying to reawaken my previously lost hopes and ambitions much like Dad did before him.

    Unable to respond to his words, I took another sip of coffee.

    It tasted good.
    The exchange between Gabriel and Damian here is actually quite poignant and emotional, and somehow, the reference to the coffee actually works as a continuation of the scene's emotion too.

    I was home.

    “Hey, Mom.”

    There she was, standing on the floor, with tears on her eyes as if she’s been waiting all day for me to come back home. My arrival put a wide smile on her face as she spread her arms towards me. But I couldn’t forgive her yet. As much as I felt bad about her and despite my wish to understand motives behind her actions, I was deeply hurt.

    I didn't expect anyone to understand me.

    No one could understand me.

    “I’m going to bed now,” exchanging glances with Damian, I ran upstairs.

    It was a long day, a day of great decisions.

    My first decision was already made a day before. It was to stop crying over my sickness and deal with the harsh reality; tears wouldn’t fix a thing, I wouldn't magically get better over night. I needed to focus myself on something else. My second decision was that I had decided to “help” that boy, Riley, reach Pewter city safely and without trouble.

    And my third decision, well, I decided not to tell him, my brother. Because I believe we both would have come to the same, inevitable conclusion. I wanted to travel, I wanted to escape. Escape from the pain, escape from my problems.

    Because that’s who I was at the end of the day – a boy with his days numbered.

    For the sake of my cursed family.

    To Be Continued ...
    It's understandable that Gabriel can't forgive his mother yet. This is a very painful situation for the entire family and their mother has made some big mistakes, so it would be more unusual if he could forgive her.

    Also, once again, you're ending on questions, and that's good. Leaving questions open is a good way to draw the reader into the next chapter, because they'll be wondering about the answers to said questions.

    I'm sorry if this review isn't very good, I'm writing it really late and I'm not feeling well. Just know that I did enjoy the chapter.

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  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    I want to mention, I read this great fic a while ago with the title Broken Wings. It's probably ten years old now, but you can still find it on FF.net.
    Hmm, I'll check it out. Thanks!

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    Is it correct to assume that this is referring to telling Damian?
    Yes, it is correct.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    The star is nicer to look at than the square, in my opinion.
    Yeah, I probably will start using it more.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    By saying that it took some amount of time for the news of their father's death to "reach his family," you're implying that he was not with them. I wonder where he was, then?
    If you're talking about Damian, he was at the academy.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    You have some good imagery here as well, but these passages would really have benefited from a beta reader. Several of the sentences, in particular the second sentence of the first paragraph, are far too wordy and would benefit from being whittled down into smaller sentences.
    I understand, I'll try transforming those in shorter and better sentences.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    Egotistic.
    Hmm, egotistic does fit better. Thanks!

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    The description of Damian's physical appearance feels a little bit out of place.
    I know, but I still needed to put it in somewhere. Bad choice, huh? xD

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    I wonder if you'll tell us more about this academy in the future. It sounds like something that may be important.
    Sorry to disappoint you, but I never really intended for the academy to play a huge role. :/

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    It's understandable that Gabriel can't forgive his mother yet. This is a very painful situation for the entire family and their mother has made some big mistakes, so it would be more unusual if he could forgive her.
    Ah, thank God someone else agrees with Gabriel. xD

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    Also, once again, you're ending on questions, and that's good. Leaving questions open is a good way to draw the reader into the next chapter, because they'll be wondering about the answers to said questions.
    I'm afraid there will be even more questions in the next chapter.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    I'm sorry if this review isn't very good, I'm writing it really late and I'm not feeling well. Just know that I did enjoy the chapter.
    Oh no, I'm satisfied with anything you have in store for me. I'm actually simply happy knowing that someone is reading this.

    Thank you for your review, I truly appreciate it!

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Janovy View Post
    If you're talking about Damian, he was at the academy.
    I meant their father. It appears to be implied that he died away from the family.

    Sorry to disappoint you, but I never really intended for the academy to play a huge role.
    That's okay. Not every guess can be right.

    Oh no, I'm satisfied with anything you have in store for me. I'm actually simply happy knowing that someone is reading this.

    Thank you for your review, I truly appreciate it!
    You're welcome!

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    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    I meant their father. It appears to be implied that he died away from the family.
    Yes, you're right once again, he did. :P

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Janovy View Post
    I didn’t wanna tell him, but I knew I had to.

    It wasn’t a big deal, though I had to make sure just in case.

    Otherwise he would have developed this crazy, completely outlandish idea of some sort inside of his head - like the idea of me possibly agreeing to help Riley simply in order to get away from Viridan, to get away from my inescapable problems. Maybe he would have thought that anyway. It was crazy, I knew, but how plausible would his idea have been? I knew by myself that the only reason I had decided to help Riley was to teach him a lesson. He was snobby; he thought that he was better than me. There was no other reason than that.

    Yes.

    No other reason.

    Or so I thought.
    Good, enticing opening.

    The weather was sunny that fateful day and yet it felt gray and colorless more than ever. The tiny, pigeon Pokémon colored in patches of brown color were singing cheerfully, the tiny purple-white mouse Pokémon were being as playful as always and I - I was outside, sitting at the doorstep of our house, crying.


    If you are going to describe a day as "gray and colorless", your very next sentence probably shouldn't describe two separate things by their color.

    He knelt down in front of me; I peered at the ground again.

    I was afraid.

    I could sense his breath on my skin; I could hear his pumping heartbeats as he approached me. Our heads lightly touched as his hands embraced me. He was crying, sobbing - my big brother was actually crying in front of my very eyes. The realization of that stroke me harder than ever. It was the moment when I realized that things would never be the same again.

    We cried together.

    It was a gray and colorless day.
    Very nice narration and description and emoting the rest of that section, though. Just some really good stuff. You might not need the repeating of the grayness and colorlessness at the end (it's almost too flowery of prose), but the rest was wonderful.

    It was strange how much I’ve gotten used to the wide, often packed with people, gray streets of Viridian.
    In that context, "packed-with-people" should be hyphenated, as it is being used as a three-word adjective.

    Yes, that was the place where my brother was working. The whole building in itself never ceased to amaze me, whenever I would visit it, I’d feel the same enthusiasm and the monumental feeling of it enthrall me. It was simply one colossal structure.
    That's a bit unwieldy, so let's clean it up. The comma after "amaze me" should either by a semi-colon or a period. Those are two separate thoughts before and after it and not joined by a conjunction. And you need a comma after "enthusiasm" because that it two separate thoughts that DO have a conjunction between them.

    “You don’t care about anyone but yourself, huh? You’re so damn egoistic!”
    Typo on "egotistic". And actually, it should probably be "egotistical". And ACTUALLY actually, it should probably just be "self-centered".

    Also, I kind of get where Gabe is coming from, but he showed real growth last scene. It feels like he's about to slip back down to being kind of petulant. But let's see how it goes...

    "It's like I was denied of my right to be happy," I continued erratically, "she didn’t even give me the chance to fully read it. She burned a half of it! I’m sorry but I can’t forgive her!”

    I felt disgusted.

    Not disgusted by what my mother had done, but by the fact that it only took a moment for me to realize that I actually felt something resembling hatred for my mother, a woman who gave birth to me, who took care of me throughout my sixteen years of life. At first I thought that my hatred would eventually pass, but his words simply re-incinerated my emotions.

    I hated her, I was disgusted by that fact, but I couldn't deny that feeling.
    Now here's what I was talking about. Last chapter, he specifically said he understood where she was coming from and that he didn't hate her. Is he just being flighty here, or what? I guess he's emotional, but it's weird to have had him have such a moment of calm clarity and then go right back off the deep end already.

    “Good evening. What would you like to order?” The waiter approached us subtly though in a speedy manner; he was an expect, alright.
    Two things: Is "expect" supposed to be "expert"? And you should NEVER use "alright" in actual writing. I guess it is passable as a colloquialism in, say, a Facebook status or something, but in actual writing, it should ALWAYS be "all right". You won't find a professional published work that says "alright" unless it is doing so artistically to say something about the narrator. It's not the same thing as with "All ready" and "already" which are two separate words.

    His words threw me off. I suddenly found myself lost in the moment. This definitely wasn’t the topic I wished to discuss. Honestly, I never really liked the fact he was forced to leave the academy due to lack of money resources after our father died and I even more disliked the fact he was forced to find a job in order to help out Mom. Although Mom received incomes from social services, they weren't really of much help as Damian decided to help her out as much as he could.
    More nice realism. They are an actual struggling family here. They have to rely on the social safety net, with the kids doing what they can to help mom support them all. It's a sweet, sad, real-life touch.

    “You were always so enthusiastic and full of hopes and dreams. I was jealous, because, he always paid more attention to you. He encouraged you, because you had dreams and I, on the other hand, had none.”

    "I wanted more attention, I wanted more love,” he continued, “so I decided to do something different, something our father had always wished to accomplish but never managed to do so.”
    You did this at least twice now, so I'll point it out: If a character is speaking across two paragraphs, you don't need to end the first quotation. It's hard to explain, so let me use an example.

    Jim said, "I really like pie. It tastes good, and it doesn't make me too fat. I think it is really one of the best treats ever. I could eat it all day, every day. Who doesn't like pie?

    "Yes, I like chocolate and cherry and banana and blueberry. I like all the pies!"

    Do you see how the first paragraph doesn't have the closing quotations? That lets the reader know it is the same person talking when the next paragraph starts with a quotation mark.

    “Old Gabriel is gone,” I frowned. “He was crushed by tragedy and death. The new Gabriel isn’t as stupid as the old one, he’s clever and he knows that dreams never come true.”
    And he probably listens to a LOT of Coheed and Cambria. Cheer up, emokid!



    -I dislike that Gabe seemed to talk a step backwards in maturity this chapter, but it IS still very early on, so it's acceptable he wouldn't have made ALL his progress already.

    -Despite that, the things I liked, I REALLY liked. Some wonderful description and some nice, real-world touches. Please do make sure to keep those up.
    Last edited by Sid87; 6th June 2012 at 5:09 PM.


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  17. #17
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    Hi! I'm sorry it took so long to get to this, but as promised, I'm here.

    I am dying – or am I?

    Because, instead of hearing the children’s wails I heard only a second earlier, the only sound I can hear is my mother downstairs, calling for me to get up. I close my eyes and open them up again, unsure whether this is reality or fiction.
    A good opening to attract readers. Nice job.

    “You’ve got to be kidding me! Seven a.m.?”

    I cried in annoyance letting myself sink into coziness of my bed again. How was it possible that after only four hours of sleep one could wake up this early?
    Oh God, I sympathize with your character completely. It is miserable.

    “This isn’t happening,” ignoring the sudden feeling of imbalance in my head, I rushed out of my bed towards the window - much to my luck, the weather outside was in perfect harmony with what I wished for it to be; it was ideal.
    For dialogue and proper punctuation, this is not right. You should only put a comma after dialogue if a speech tag follows (like "he said" or "she asked" or something along those lines). So there should be a period there, and "ignoring" should be capitalized. When I skimmed the fic I immediately noticed you did that a lot (and it looks kind of bad for any other potential new readers) so I'd go back and fix those.

    I can not even describe the following smells that overwhelmed my senses as I made my way into the living room.
    "cannot" is one word.

    Perhaps it was due to the mutual respect we felt for each other.

    “Umm, I came to work?” I answered keeping my stare focused at the Pokémon.

    “Your services are not needed today, now shoo!” She pointed towards the door.

    Yes, the respect we felt for each other.
    LOL. Poor, uh, nameless narrator. I'm sure she cares about him deep down.

    Anyway, I quite like your narrator here. Yes, he's a bit whiny, but I'm attracted to his cynicism and the fact that he seems rather depressed over his father's death and traumatized. Sorry if that sounds weird. I lost a parent myself when I was young and that was my reaction as well, so it's interesting to see. His random physical problems are also a mystery and I hope to see more about that as the story progresses. The "only have 6 months to live" is pretty unique, I must say.

    My only complaint so far is that you have little to no description. There's no physical description of Gabriel, his parents, Katie, or of his surroundings. First person narration shouldn't have TOO much description, but none of it is equally as bad. Have to find that balance!

    "I'll be there in a minute,“ he answered spontaneously.

    "Okay!“

    And I believed him.
    I found this part particularly powerful. The naivety and innocence of children is always astounding and heartbreaking.

    „Gabriel, I swear to God if you don't open this door right now, I'll break – „
    I'm not sure what happened here, but you have some weird quotation marks going on. What's up with that? haha

    Oh yeah, I'd like to stop here and point out that I like the short, choppy, sometimes fragmented sentences you have going on for your narrator. Sounds like how someone would really think and/or talk.

    „Just look at what became of our family. We were once happy and then suddenly, Dad died. And then everything changed. What will happen once I die? How much will change then?“
    You might want to clarify who came into Gabriel's room in this scene, because I thought that it was his dad at first, not Damian.

    I always wished I could share my mothers’ ideals.
    "mother's"

    “I knew how much your father urged you to become a Pokémon Trainer and exactly how much your goal meant to him. I didn’t want you to leave, Gabriel. I was afraid that his words would encourage you to move on and do what you always dreamed of – which was leaving Viridian and deciding to travel.”
    Pretty jerk-like behavior for a mother, I must admit.

    Her lab was in a surprisingly great condition, one she hasn’t seen it in ever since she moved to Viridian and began working under the supervision a few years ago
    "hasn't" should be "hadn't" because the fic is in past tense.

    Not to speak of his heavenly blue eyes she was immediately attracted too.
    "to" not "too"

    I'll also stop here and say that you updated quite a bit often, not giving readers a chance to have enough time to read and review. Slow down in your updating, and focus on proofreading and editing instead.

    “Hmm,” Riley said taking fast steps towards the table, “they all look fairly ok.”

    “I can assure you that all three of them are perfectly healthy.”

    “If that’s the case, sure, I’ll take all three of them.”
    Lol, nice one. This kid sounds like he'll turn out to be quite the riot.

    However, I wouldn't recommend doing third person breaks when writing first person. It seems a bit odd, though I suppose it's fine if you only do it once in a while. I do like the frequent breaks and change in present/past and all that, though. It really helps to give the fic a rather depressing and mysterious, and somewhat poetic, feel to it.

    The city wasn’t anything special as I preferred it back in the days when I first moved here but somehow walking through the streets of Viridian felt nostalgic despite me not feeling the same passion towards as before.
    Would put some commas in here, if you say it out loud (or try to read it, even) it sounds like a very long drawn out sentence to me.

    Overall, you do a really good job showing emotions, I'd just suggest adding physical description in order to set the scene more effectively. Also, I'd try not to dwell on this boy's father's death too much. You'll probably never get into your plot if you keep focusing on the effects of the death. Start with development now. Your characters are good so far, and I look forward to development from them. Keep it up and add me to PM list if you have one.


    | she will get the truth out of him, whatever it may be. |
    | letters 13/14 released 5/22/14 |


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  18. #18
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    This isn't my best chapter, it's short and mostly foreshadowing. Meh.

    Chapter IV: Miscreation


    ¤

    Once upon a time there were The Originals.
    Ancestors of the forsaken evolution, cursed beings of the lonely planet.
    Indeed, they were something else.
    Their life would shape the world, it would defy the destiny itself.
    It would define destiny.

    ¤



    Our world has always been about monsters.

    The lonely, somewhat selfless existence of a being referred to as August was disgusted by it - he always had been. Of course it had always revolved around the mysterious and unique creatures of which one itself was speculated to have created the universe.

    A God of monsters.

    Nonsense; he would often shiver to his own strange, sometimes almost terrifying thoughts; thoughts which never seemed to blossom into something prettier, something more beautiful. A monster could have never been a deity - August would often make himself believe his own made up words. They were nothing but what he called them nowadays; monsters. However, infinite changes his world was going through forced August to reconsider his thoughts. Maybe they were more than that. The very concept of their existence - even before times they got along with humans - shaped the planet, it shaped the world leading it towards the slowly crumbling future he knew as 'today'.

    He was slowly crumbling as well, slowly but safely, with his frail body now beginning to shut down.

    But he had found his purpose in the world, a purpose which would cleanse the world from impurity he detested. It was always in a human's interest to progress, to imagine and create new stuff, to push the boundaries towards a new world.

    A free world.

    And even though August would soon no longer find the peace on this planet, he found the fact, that his blood would keep on living, comforting. Humans would finally be free from terror of the monsters.

    And even if it meant for the former to become a monster itself, a sacrifice had to be made; a sacrifice known as a evolution.

    *

    Riley Alstrom hated control.

    And once his father had made the decision of that strange boy called Gabriel taking over the role of his guide through the disgusting maze of the forest named Viridian – he was everything but happy. Many hours had passed since that decision was made but being the passionate boy he was, Riley still couldn’t stand the decision going as far to stay late up at night rebelling against his own thoughts. He couldn't allow a snobby teenager of his own age to make fun of him for being less knowledgeable than he was. And he knew Gabriel would use that opportunity, he knew that smartass would try something funny.

    “Oh God,” he exhaled, brutally hitting the soft surface of his bed.

    Riley remained still for a moment taking the time to clear his mind. He calmly stood up, in his similar yet somewhat different clothes from the same day, proceeding to walk across the room. It was a fairly sized room in his opinion, he had seen bigger ones, though he personally preferred smaller rooms as they felt more personal to him, more private in a way. His current room was anything but subtle, something he disliked as the flashiness really wasn't his style. The bright colors and the hideous furniture hurt his eyes though Riley had to accept it. After all, it was all for his sake.

    Riley closed the drawer sighing annoyingly; he always had hard time finding his stuff in greater spaces. He proceeded towards opening the bottom drawer; success. He spotted the miniature item - a light blue capsule with the pills within being easily perceptible from the outside.

    He spontaneously placed the amber colored pill in his mouth feeling it disintegrate into a reddish liquid.

    As if a whole new personality took over him, he could almost instantly feel the muscles of his body slowly relax. His mind was entirely at peace. Despite still minding the whole situation, he was anger-free and without stress. The tired teenage boy could feel the drowsiness slowly sneak into his mind in a shape of countless, perplexed shadows. His room gradually darkened as the number of shadows multiplied eventually transforming the entire place in a void-like space. The shadows enveloped him and the last thing he could see in front of his eyes, before falling across the wide bed of his, was the shape of a boy much like him; a shape of a twin dispersing across the room.

    Along with the second Riley diminishing, he finally closed his eyes.

    He was at peace.

    -

    She was on the loose.

    Upon the moment of explosion, she felt a surge of adrenaline flow through her body. She was invincible, she felt like a beast on her path towards destruction and extermination of anything and anyone. Despite being drenched in blood, she didn't feel bad- the blood wasn't hers. The feeling of freedom was powerful and although she paid a high cost, the one of her own sanity, she would finally go back to who she was.

    The girl of long dark brown hair, past her shoulders, suddenly stopped on her track. She burst out in tears feeling a rush of complex fusion emotions overwhelm her in a moment of confusion.

    "It isn't fair," she barely let the world leave her mouth.

    "Mom ... Dad," her remembrance of their faces had faded in the last few years, it was hurtful and yet she couldn't understand why she was chosen. Of all people, why was she the one stripped of her innocence and childhood? Why had the mean people done this to her?

    "But now I'm free," Marissa mumbled standing up on her scratched feet again. Wiping the remaining tears of her face, she found herself admiring her newly found courage, her strength which surpassed each and every feeling of pain she had endured through the whole ordeal. It wasn't the end of the world, not yet anyway. She was finally going to return home, back to her loving parents.

    "AAAAH!"

    Inhaling deeply she suddenly screamed in all her power, screaming out all the emotions that made her weak; her pain, her sadness, her suffer. All the things that made her a weak human, she had to get rid of them.

    It didn't matter anyway; she had stopped feeling like a human long time ago.


    ¤
    POV Change - Gabriel

    "Dad?"

    He looked at me with his kind, child-like eyes. It was already midnight and although my journey was awaiting me tomorrow, I could never fall asleep without both him and Mom reading a story to me. He was dressed casually as always, he sat himself next to my bed. I looked at him excitedly as if he hadn't read a bedtime story to me in years.

    "Aren't you a little too old for bedtime stories?" he asked in a caring tone.

    I shook my head in denial. He chuckled prompting me to smile as he grabbed the book from the top of the shelf next to my bed. The title said, "A Hero of Unova". "

    Mom already read that one to me, take another one," I swiftly responded, he sighed at my words.

    "Maybe I'm too old for bedtime stories too," we both chuckled as he looked through the books.

    "The Forgotten Angel", the title said. I couldn't remember that book.

    My father began reading, slowly, in a way only he could read it. It was a soothing story although with time I slowly forgot what it was actually about. Then I realized, dream must have been pulling me in.

    -

    "Gabriel!"

    A loud echo penetrated through my ears, I found myself awakened by the horrible noise. Mom, Dad and Damian were all together in my room for a strange reason.

    "Gabriel!" She seemed to cry although their faces weren't turned towards me.

    "What's wrong?" I rushed out of the bed only to witness a horrifying sight. I threw up at the spot upon witnessing the sight of a teenage boy, his body covered in blood with a kitchen knife impaling through his throat. A body of a pale boy, the boy of black hair and green eyes.

    The body of Gabriel Sullivan.

    "Why did he do this?" Mom cried out loudly as Damian sobbed all over my bloody body.

    All of the sudden, the scenery stopped - everything around me stopped. My father, the only person who didn't seem to cry over the dead body turned in my direction. He slowly turned his head towards me with a serious, dreadful look on his face.

    "This is all your fault!"


    *

    It was already after midnight when he received the news, his butler woke him up in not much great of a mood, a mood which only worsened upon learning of the catastrophic event that took place on the mountains surrounding Pewter. Not even the sleeping pills worked for him that night as he felt as if the entire world had suddenly turned against it.

    And as his butler told him the news, he could only sit there in shock - petrified in fear and confusion, unable to respond.

    It took him a while to absorb these news.

    The final Original was gone.

    To Be Continued


    I'm sorry, this was a bad chapter. xD

  19. #19
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    Oh hey...I didn't even know you updated this. Add me to a PM list so I know when you do.

    I will *TRY* to review this tonight, but it might be hard. I'm leaving for vacation/my wedding tomorrow, and I still have house-cleaning, packing, and and errands to run. Not to mention I'm seeing if I can get chapter 10 of BB written before too late in the evening. But I'm hoping that I'll be able to catch up on this later tonight.


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  20. #20
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    Once upon a time there were The Originals.
    Ancestors of the forsaken evolution, cursed beings of the lonely planet.
    Indeed, they were something else.
    Their life would shape the world, it would defy the destiny itself.
    It would define destiny.
    I'm guessing this is an introduction to the actual plot now. Saying "they were something else" however, sounds informal, unless you literally mean that they are something else besides what you were talking about, which makes little sense.

    And even though August would soon no longer find the peace on this planet, he found the fact, that his blood would keep on living, comforting. Humans would finally be free from terror of the monsters.
    No commas needed after "fact" or "living"

    I'm wondering if August is a pokemon, the tone of the text and the idea of evolution brought up sure tells me so. You did a good job creating a sense of mystery here.

    It was a fairly sized room in his opinion, he had seen bigger ones, though he personally preferred smaller rooms as they felt more personal to him, more private in a way. His current room was anything but subtle, something he disliked as the flashiness really wasn't his style.
    Saying that he didn't like flashy things and that he preferred private things seems pretty redundant to me. The reader could infer both by reading just one of those facts.

    As if a whole new personality took over him, he could almost instantly feel the muscles of his body slowly relax. His mind was entirely at peace. Despite still minding the whole situation, he was anger-free and without stress. The tired teenage boy could feel the drowsiness slowly sneak into his mind in a shape of countless, perplexed shadows. His room gradually darkened as the number of shadows multiplied eventually transforming the entire place in a void-like space. The shadows enveloped him and the last thing he could see in front of his eyes, before falling across the wide bed of his, was the shape of a boy much like him; a shape of a twin dispersing across the room.
    I'm guessing this is some kind of sleeping pill, but I don't think sleeping pills work that quick? I would say he took the pill more near the beginning of his section and have him thinking/being angry, then have him fall asleep. Seems more realistic to me.

    She burst out in tears feeling a rush of complex fusion emotions overwhelm her in a moment of confusion.
    The repetition of "fusion" seems weird here. The first "fusion" could probably just be removed.

    Anyway, this was a good chapter overall. You do good with portraying emotions and mystery, which is what I think you're really trying to do. The switch between first and third person seems kind of jarring, but as long as it's not constant, it can work. Also, there were some issues with speech tags again, but it wasn't too bad. I'd just go back and proof-read, which shouldn't be too hard since it's a short chapter. I look forward to seeing what you have planned now, for everyone, but particularly Gabriel, who seems to have more to him than a dysfunctional family. Keep it up!


    | she will get the truth out of him, whatever it may be. |
    | letters 13/14 released 5/22/14 |


    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | COMPLETE AS OF 8/11/13 |


  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by Janovy View Post

    Chapter IV: Miscreation


    ¤

    Once upon a time there were The Originals.
    Ancestors of the forsaken evolution, cursed beings of the lonely planet.
    Indeed, they were something else.
    Their life would shape the world, it would defy the destiny itself.
    It would define destiny.

    ¤
    This is an interesting way to start the chapter, giving some background on what kind of mythology the story's going to use. Although, the line "indeed, they were something else" does sound a bit out of place in a myth.

    Our world has always been about monsters.

    The lonely, somewhat selfless existence of a being referred to as August was disgusted by it - he always had been. Of course it had always revolved around the mysterious and unique creatures of which one itself was speculated to have created the universe.

    A God of monsters.

    Nonsense; he would often shiver to his own strange, sometimes almost terrifying thoughts; thoughts which never seemed to blossom into something prettier, something more beautiful. A monster could have never been a deity - August would often make himself believe his own made up words. They were nothing but what he called them nowadays; monsters. However, infinite changes his world was going through forced August to reconsider his thoughts. Maybe they were more than that. The very concept of their existence - even before times they got along with humans - shaped the planet, it shaped the world leading it towards the slowly crumbling future he knew as 'today'.

    He was slowly crumbling as well, slowly but safely, with his frail body now beginning to shut down.
    This is another fascinating part, but its focus on rather existential terms makes it a little difficult to read. That's not to say that what you did here is wrong - far from it - but it wasn't until the last sentence that I could really grip August as a living entity.

    But he had found his purpose in the world, a purpose which would cleanse the world from impurity he detested. It was always in a human's interest to progress, to imagine and create new stuff, to push the boundaries towards a new world.
    Again, in this part, "stuff" is out of place with the more serious language around it.

    A free world.

    And even though August would soon no longer find the peace on this planet, he found the fact, that his blood would keep on living, comforting. Humans would finally be free from terror of the monsters.

    And even if it meant for the former to become a monster itself, a sacrifice had to be made; a sacrifice known as a evolution.
    Now this could be something. I wonder where it'll lead...

    Riley Alstrom hated control.

    And once his father had made the decision of that strange boy called Gabriel taking over the role of his guide through the disgusting maze of the forest named Viridian – he was everything but happy. Many hours had passed since that decision was made but being the passionate boy he was, Riley still couldn’t stand the decision going as far to stay late up at night rebelling against his own thoughts. He couldn't allow a snobby teenager of his own age to make fun of him for being less knowledgeable than he was. And he knew Gabriel would use that opportunity, he knew that smartass would try something funny.
    A nice look into Riley's mindset. He didn't stand out all that much before, so it's nice to see him come into focus more here.

    I'd check your grammar on that paragraph, though, because you've got some run-on sentences.

    “Oh God,” he exhaled, brutally hitting the soft surface of his bed.

    Riley remained still for a moment taking the time to clear his mind. He calmly stood up, in his similar yet somewhat different clothes from the same day, proceeding to walk across the room. It was a fairly sized room in his opinion, he had seen bigger ones, though he personally preferred smaller rooms as they felt more personal to him, more private in a way. His current room was anything but subtle, something he disliked as the flashiness really wasn't his style. The bright colors and the hideous furniture hurt his eyes though Riley had to accept it. After all, it was all for his sake.
    I like the description of Riley's taste in rooms, but the expression "similar yet somewhat different" is awkward enough that I'd advise you not use it. You could just say "somewhat similar" and get the exact same meaning.

    Riley closed the drawer sighing annoyingly; he always had hard time finding his stuff in greater spaces. He proceeded towards opening the bottom drawer; success. He spotted the miniature item - a light blue capsule with the pills within being easily perceptible from the outside.
    I'd write the first part as "Riley closed the drawer while sighing annoyingly."

    He spontaneously placed the amber colored pill in his mouth feeling it disintegrate into a reddish liquid.

    As if a whole new personality took over him, he could almost instantly feel the muscles of his body slowly relax. His mind was entirely at peace. Despite still minding the whole situation, he was anger-free and without stress. The tired teenage boy could feel the drowsiness slowly sneak into his mind in a shape of countless, perplexed shadows. His room gradually darkened as the number of shadows multiplied eventually transforming the entire place in a void-like space. The shadows enveloped him and the last thing he could see in front of his eyes, before falling across the wide bed of his, was the shape of a boy much like him; a shape of a twin dispersing across the room.

    Along with the second Riley diminishing, he finally closed his eyes.

    He was at peace.
    Now this is something unexpected. I think I like where this could go; it could be meaningful later.

    She was on the loose.

    Upon the moment of explosion, she felt a surge of adrenaline flow through her body. She was invincible, she felt like a beast on her path towards destruction and extermination of anything and anyone. Despite being drenched in blood, she didn't feel bad- the blood wasn't hers. The feeling of freedom was powerful and although she paid a high cost, the one of her own sanity, she would finally go back to who she was.

    The girl of long dark brown hair, past her shoulders, suddenly stopped on her track. She burst out in tears feeling a rush of complex fusion emotions overwhelm her in a moment of confusion.
    Now this is pretty intense. I didn't expect this to actually be a human, but it seems that it is.

    It's here that I would advise you to be more mindful of correct comma usage and wording - the last sentence of this passage is a bit messy in terms of misplaced commas and use of words such as "fusion" that don't fit.

    [quote["It isn't fair," she barely let the world leave her mouth.[/quote]

    "words", not "world."

    "Mom ... Dad," her remembrance of their faces had faded in the last few years, it was hurtful and yet she couldn't understand why she was chosen. Of all people, why was she the one stripped of her innocence and childhood? Why had the mean people done this to her?

    "But now I'm free," Marissa mumbled standing up on her scratched feet again. Wiping the remaining tears of her face, she found herself admiring her newly found courage, her strength which surpassed each and every feeling of pain she had endured through the whole ordeal. It wasn't the end of the world, not yet anyway. She was finally going to return home, back to her loving parents.
    Were we told her name before? Either way, I'm sure we'll be finding out more about this ordeal and how it connects to everything else.

    "AAAAH!"

    Inhaling deeply she suddenly screamed in all her power, screaming out all the emotions that made her weak; her pain, her sadness, her suffer. All the things that made her a weak human, she had to get rid of them.

    It didn't matter anyway; she had stopped feeling like a human long time ago.
    Chilling... I like it.

    POV Change - Gabriel
    I wouldn't really recommend using "POV Change" headers like this.

    "Dad?"

    He looked at me with his kind, child-like eyes. It was already midnight and although my journey was awaiting me tomorrow, I could never fall asleep without both him and Mom reading a story to me. He was dressed casually as always, he sat himself next to my bed. I looked at him excitedly as if he hadn't read a bedtime story to me in years.

    "Aren't you a little too old for bedtime stories?" he asked in a caring tone.

    I shook my head in denial. He chuckled prompting me to smile as he grabbed the book from the top of the shelf next to my bed. The title said, "A Hero of Unova". "

    Mom already read that one to me, take another one," I swiftly responded, he sighed at my words.

    "Maybe I'm too old for bedtime stories too," we both chuckled as he looked through the books.

    "The Forgotten Angel", the title said. I couldn't remember that book.

    My father began reading, slowly, in a way only he could read it. It was a soothing story although with time I slowly forgot what it was actually about. Then I realized, dream must have been pulling me in.


    The flashbacks involving Gabriel and his father are some of the best parts of this story so far. They're emotionally powerful - you can just feel the connection between the two of them, and that creates sentiment that makes the present-day scenes even more substantial.

    "Gabriel!"

    A loud echo penetrated through my ears, I found myself awakened by the horrible noise. Mom, Dad and Damian were all together in my room for a strange reason.

    "Gabriel!" She seemed to cry although their faces weren't turned towards me.

    "What's wrong?" I rushed out of the bed only to witness a horrifying sight. I threw up at the spot upon witnessing the sight of a teenage boy, his body covered in blood with a kitchen knife impaling through his throat. A body of a pale boy, the boy of black hair and green eyes.

    The body of Gabriel Sullivan.

    "Why did he do this?" Mom cried out loudly as Damian sobbed all over my bloody body.

    All of the sudden, the scenery stopped - everything around me stopped. My father, the only person who didn't seem to cry over the dead body turned in my direction. He slowly turned his head towards me with a serious, dreadful look on his face.

    "This is all your fault!"
    Wait, what? I don't get it.

    It was already after midnight when he received the news, his butler woke him up in not much great of a mood, a mood which only worsened upon learning of the catastrophic event that took place on the mountains surrounding Pewter. Not even the sleeping pills worked for him that night as he felt as if the entire world had suddenly turned against it.

    And as his butler told him the news, he could only sit there in shock - petrified in fear and confusion, unable to respond.

    It took him a while to absorb these news.

    The final Original was gone.
    This scene is good, but it would work a lot better if you made it a little clearer as to who is being referred to. Is it Riley? That's the implication I get because of the mention of sleeping pills.

    I'm sorry, this was a bad chapter. xD
    It really isn't, just a little disorganized and with a few language issues. I've already gone over the latter, so on the former: the scenes are in a bit of a random order. I would recommend that you connect specific scenes in order that have something to do with each other - for example, if the subject of the final scene is Riley, then the earlier scene with him should be closer to the ending scene.

    I liked the content of the chapter. You've introduced some interesting concepts that I want to know more about.

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  22. #22
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    You're getting a review from the beach on vacation (I had the foresight to open a tab with your story in it, so I could do this if I got a few minutes).

    -I like the opening with the poem (or whatever you'd call it). I *generally* hate random italics, but it works there as a precursor to something and a reference to something that seems very ancient. I dig it.

    -Augustus' belief system changes extremely rapidly in the opening paragraph from "The monsters are totally not gods!" to "Maybe they could be gods". There doesn't seem to be any explanation for that shift so suddenly. I would like to see what lead him to start believing contrary to what he used to. Even if it's just a quick backstory, it would be a great help.

    And even though August would soon no longer find the peace on this planet, he found the fact, that his blood would keep on living, comforting. Humans would finally be free from terror of the monsters.

    And even if it meant for the former to become a monster itself, a sacrifice had to be made; a sacrifice known as a evolution.
    Who is "the former" there? Humans? Augustus? I wasn't able to discern it.

    -Fun fact: your story gave me an aneurysm. I was sitting here writing my review, and suddenly I had the worst nosebleed of my life. I've spent the last half hour stopping my nose from literally dripping blood like a sink faucet. So I give your story an F for that.

    -So...what the hell, Riley? Is he some kind of Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde analogy? He's taking strange pills and "the second Riley" diminishes. That's an odd bit of plot I didn't see coming. Is it just a simple drug dependency? Or something more at work here?

    -Addendum to my earlier point: after COMING BACK to your story, my nose started bleeding again, and this time I ended up in the hospital over it. Had to get my nostril packed the night before my wedding. It's 3 days later on vacation as I'm finishing this review, and if it starts bleeding again, I'm never reading this again.

    -I don't like the announced POV change to Gabriel. It is too forced and takes me out of the story. Just let it go. If you're going to have rotating narration, I don't really recommend doing it within a chapter, but just let the narration dictate to the reader who is narrating. Each character should be strong and distinctive enough that the narrator shouldn't need to be announced.

    -Starting with the Marissa bit, this chapter lost a LOT of steam. Who is she? Why was the Gabriel section in all italics? Who was narrating that last section? What was going on there? It all seemed rushed. I would liked to have seen it slowed down and expanded upon. With less italics or announced POV changes. :-p


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  23. #23
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    I came to find your story on the reviews exchange. So I ope you could also find my request in the review exchange as well.

    … … … 10 … I … do … just ... I know that my words, my actions, my tears of regret will never … able to make up for the terrible destiny I linked to you, but I will keep hoping for your forgiveness. Mistakes can’t be erased but I can only say that no matter how bad the things seem, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Nothing is set in stone, Gabriel, you are the forger of your own destiny.

    Don’t let anything stop you, my angel.

    Spread your wings and fly.
    With all my love, Dad.
    You know what makes your story quite a hook, I find the way you involve the concept of not being a trainer due to death. The way you showed your scenarios about the family's conflict and suffering makes my heart beat so slowly. it really fells awful. Sometimes, the way I find parental stories in pokemon side more with mothers. Its nice for you have someone treasure the father the most this time.

    But what strikes me the most was the way a mother betrays her children to find their dreams and pursue it. I mean, that is quite a harsh thing to do.

    I believe it is Gabriel, the hero, has a similar personality to myself back then. Not negative but Realistic. It is true reality is cruel. But in the end is a light waiting for you.

    not to mention, you made a professor hate yet respect our hero. A neat way of portraying mutual relationships. But if I got an advise to make it better, try implementing a couple discussions that will make both have interest in each other's opposing views.

    One tip: If you need personality type examples, search them on TVTROPES
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