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Thread: The Phoenix Will Rise [PG/15]

  1. #1
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    Default The Phoenix Will Rise [PG/15]

    I've rated this Fan-Fic PG-15 for violence, swearing and gore, and sexual themes/contact, but nothing too explicit or overly used. If the rating is wrong after a few chapters, please change it.






    The Phoenix Will Rise




    Chapter One - Mud




    My heart starts pumping again. I feel a surge of warmth around my body, and I stir. I am alive, but currently, no more than conscious. Memories start to form in my mind, such as my name, age and gender, thankfully. Things which seem to be important are there, but there is a gaping hole for most of the other areas of my memory.

    Now I am conscious, and stirring, feelings are returning to me as the nerves sending signals through the synapses and my blood start to take effect. The oxygen rushing through my respiratory system makes my body rush into action, and as I start to get conscious thought and proper feelings returns to me, BAM! My eyes flash open.

    Sense number one achieved. Sight.

    Staring straight above me is all I can do right now. I'm looking up at a very overcast sky. Dark clouds, miserable and dull. Greyer than an elephant's hide.

    A voice in the back of my mind chips into my conscious thought.

    Surely that should be Donphan?

    Donphan? I recognize the name from somewhere. A Pokémon... from the games series I play. And I heard the voice as such, not just as a thought...

    I guess that could be sense number two. Hearing.

    Alert, I try and move, needing to know where I am, my surroundings, and who or what will be around me. The panicking movements and the attempt to sit triggers the next sense. A sharp pain up my back cause me to fall backwards. As I fall back, closing my eyes from the pain, something lashes out at me from behind, causes a surge of pain covering most of my side. The pain rips through my body, leaving me almost paralyzed.

    Sense number three. Touch.

    Whatever struck me hurt. To make it worse, I don't have a clue as to where I am. I can just about move my feet and hands, but what use is that? I'm lying on the floor, or ground, or whatever. It's cold, damp, ...sticky? Why sticky!? As for where the hell I am, this weird surface beneath me isn't helping. Heck, I could be inside a whale's stomach for all I know.

    But that voice in the back of my head tells me 'whale' is the wrong word.

    It should be Wailmer, or Wailord.


    Once again, it's referring to a Pokémon. Why it is, I don't know, but it's starting to really piss me off. I've got enough problems as it is, lying on this damp, cold and sticky ground in God-knows-where.

    Arceus-knows-where, the voice states. If only I could kill a voice. It would be six-foot-under by now, I swear.

    There's even more proof that whatever I'm lying in is something nasty. An indescribably horrible smell is filling my nostrils. Whatever it is, it's putrid, foul, gross, manky, anything used to describe something that smells worse than what's in the toilet. Surely if this was in a civilized area, it wouldn't smell that bad... So maybe it's me. I hope not. Urgh!

    Put it this way, if that's me, I need a bath. Pronto.

    Sense number four. Smell.

    As I ponder over the smell, what hit me, where the hell I am and what the hell is going on, I notice an odd taste in my mouth. I don't know why it's taken so long to notice it, but it's blood. I've obviously cut my mouth somehow... Hm. It doesn't taste like blood though, from where I've sucked on a bloody finger or a paper cut... Weird.

    Taste number five. That's all of them ticked off my list.

    However, I have noticed a change. Not necessarily within myself, but there's almost like I have a sixth sense, and I'm aware of my surroundings. My actual, real senses have improved, especially my sight, hearing and smell. I can see everything in a much sharper, crisper detail than before. And that's just an overcast sky. My hearing has improved so much, I can hear my own heartbeat. Touch has changed, I pick up a better, clearer feel of everything. It all feels rather soft, and almost... furry. Taste may have changed too, but all I've I tasted is a hint of my own blood.

    I can't hear anyone speaking, but I can hear some chirping and hissing around me. Obviously I'm in a rural area. Maybe there'll be a village nearby, with some villagers around so when I get up I can find out where I am. I need to move, sit up, even just move one of my hands. And it doesn't help that there is something weighing me down. A set of metal bars or branches or something on my back, not heavy, just... stuck to the floor, I guess, and I'm in that same patch of sticky stuff.

    I need to stand up, or sit up, but it's hard. After a struggle, forcing all of my energy into a tight push, my eyes closed and groaning from the struggle, I feel the sticky grip of the floor release me, and I'm flung into a sitting up position. Time to open my eyes and see what that sticky crap all over me is. I see all of the sticky crap, which is nice, thick, gooey mud. Charming. I can't see anything through the mud, minus a weird red patch on my cheat. Another cut maybe?

    I notice the foul smell from earlier again, even clearer now I'm upright. It really is me, so I decide I'd better find somewhere to bathe. Despite being covered in the thick mud, I force myself, with extreme effort, to stand upright. I still feel like my back is weighing me down. Maybe I've just got a couple of branches wedged in the mud with me.

    'Or maybe you have wings,' the annoying and almost instinctive voice in my mind states to me. I want to ignore it, due to the fact that wings are parts of insects and birds, and I am a human. But since I've been awake, it's been there, and it's suggested that elephants, whales and God should be Donphan, Wailmer and Arceus. This is really confusing me, and the voice is admittedly scaring me. Stupid smart-assed voice wedged in my brain.

    As I wobble on my feet, I notice how they feel...different. It's like my feet have changed proportion, and the feel of my toes, even through mud, in unusual. Probably hurt, it's urgent that I find somewhere to bathe now, as I might have seriously hurt myself. Scanning my surroundings, all I see is mud, dirt and grass everywhere. A thick wasteland of dirt, mud and clumps of dirty, dry, dying grass. Excluding a small forest nearby, I don't frickin' see anything. It's overcast, probably close to raining, and it looks dark, despite the fact I can faintly see the sun (or another star, the voice echoes) high in the sky. It must be a few hours until dusk, so I can make the most out of the weather. In fact, I think maybe sitting back down would be a good idea. But, then again, that thing that walloped me may come back, so I want to be able to kick the crap out of the arrogant git. If they're going to hit me when I'm down, I'll hit them back twice as hard.

    Now, not to seem weird here, but I'm shy. Frankly, if it wasn't for the fact I was hit, and I'm raging, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't even approach anyone. If I find anyone. I'm timid as heck. I can faintly remember a memory of this girl I liked asking me out, and I said no because I was too scared to say yes. But it feels like it wasn't me... like it was another person. I have another similar blurry memory appearing too. I think I went to the Pokémon VGC finals and I met the game-makers,. I'm pretty sure I'd always wanted to meet them, and yet, I was too shy to ask for an autograph, or ask any questions. I'm sure that I won't even say hi to my parents some days. But... I can barely remember this all. It's like a blur, like it was someone else's life. I can recall my parents, moments of triumph and failure, and... this small and short memory before I was here. Being dragged... but that's all I remember. Stupid, really...

    I've got to do something instead of stand on a muddy plain for a while, so I trudge off towards the forest slowly, drenched in thick mud. The mud seems to be glued to me, like when your pet runs through the mud, and it clings onto their fur for days, and washing it for hours doesn't seem to help.

    The closer I get, the harder it seems to walk. After around twenty minutes, I'm guessing that the mud is drying and hardening around my limbs, as every step takes about ten seconds of effort. Just what I need. As exhaustion starts affecting me, all I can do, in my eyes, at least, is vent out some anger. Looking up at the overcast sky, I scream and curse with all of my power. As I shout, at the top of my lugs, a flock of birds chatter angrily, and swoop down towards me, pecking me. I can feel the sharp tips of their beaks jabbing into me, prodding me, cutting me. I shout out in pain.

    Wrong thing to do.

    They're even more riled now. I catch a glimpse of a golden beak before getting hit in the cheek, and I feel it cut. I've obviously angered them, but they've gone and downright screwed me over. I'm angry, and through the pain, I lash out again and again, swinging my arms randomly, keeping my eyes firmly shut. I don't want an eye ripped out. I feel less beaks jabbing me, and hear the cries of the birds as they fly away. But there is one still there. I hear it's wings beat as it approaches me. Taking my chance, I duck, then turn and lash out, striking it. I hear it cry out from pain, before a dull thud indicates it's hit the floor. Opening my eyes, I see that it is indeed on the floor unconscious, and as I stare at the poor thing, I gasp. It wasn't that the bird was out cold on the floor from my doing that made me gasp. It was the bird itself.

    It's golden beak I'd noticed earlier was long and hooked. It's blue-black face was covered by what looked like a hat, due to a long and thin rim, with three spiky tufts giving it that look. It's small and scrawny body was at a weird angle where it has hit the floor hard, with it's wings spread. And it had a red band around a bushy and spiky tail.

    It was a Murkrow.

    A Pokémon! From those video games I played! This was so awesome, but... seriously weird. Hm, maybe I could catch it, like you did on the games...I reach out to it, stroking it, before trying to hold it in my arms, but I still feel pretty stiff, although a little less stiff than before. I attempt to capture it, throwing a rock on the ground at it. No success. In fact, that may well wake it, and the last thing I need is more cuts and bruises from ignorant Murkrow... Murkrow. A bird from a game I can remember playing. And it feels real. I can touch it and prod it, even punch it... What the hell? Having a real Murkrow lie on the floor next to me, after I punch it... That seriously couldn't be right. It had to be some sick kind of joke.

    It had to be...

    Someone was setting me up, trying to confuse and manipulate me. This was wrong to a whole new degree. I growled deeply, and turned around, staring out at the plain sprawled out in front at me.

    “Okay, you ignorant, stupid bastards! Why is there a Murkrow on the floor? What did you bastards do to that poor bird there? You've sickeningly twisted it! You sick asses!” I kick at the ground angrily, and curse to myself. What a day I'm having. I lash out at the ground with my foot again, draining myself even more so, as the mud takes hold. It's then that I feel a drop of water hit my face, then another on my shoulder. It wasn't long before it became a downpour. Rain. I'll be out of this mud soon. I'm just about to shout out in victory when I feel a hand press against my mouth, effectively gagging me. And the thick mud I'm caked in means that I can't do anything to stop said gagger. I try and shout through their hand, but I get a chilling whisper in my ear.

    “Shut up or I'll leave you to die.”

    Gulp.

    Okay, so I'm feeling thrown off by the whole 'leave you to die' thing, but I decide that shutting my trap is a good move. Its raining now, and the mud is dripping off of me. The person grabbing me decides they don't want to get dirty, so push me back. I fall to the floor, but manage to get myself back up on my feet without too much difficulty. I swivel around angrily to face said gagger, and gasp again. Pretty sick of all this gasping, aren't you, says that stupid voice. So, why am I gasping again, you may wonder? I'm staring at a... a.... hybrid. A human female crossed with a Pokémon.

    Why am I sure she's a Pokémon? I'm starting to think I'm in a world filled with Pokémon, that I've somehow travelled dimensions and worlds or something. I mean, a voice which I've never heard before suggesting that common names for animals are Pokémon, saying God and being told it's Arceus, the God of all Pokémon, and seeing a Murkrow, an actual, real Murkrow! Then seeing her. I may have had my doubts about Murkrow, but I'm convinced now, because here's no denying this one. It can't be a hoax. You can't hoax the shape of the eyes and body, the perfectly formed bushy tail and amazing body markings and patterns, or the thick, and surely soft, fur covering her body. Awkwardly, she's naked, but it seems there isn't really any choice here to avoid that situation. But what is she? I run through a list in my head briefly, but can't picture what Pokémon she is. I just gape, open-mouthed at her.

    “What are you staring at, you idiot? I'm just a 'Morph, much like you from the looks of it,” she said to me, rather disdainfully. I'm firstly angry with myself for offending her, secondly feeling embarrassed, and, wait, what did she say?

    “Hey, did you say you're a Morph?” I ask.

    “A Morph. Yeah. A human/Pokémon hybrid, to make it harder. I know its a Pokémon I'm combined with because I recognize the species from the Pokémon franchise. Surely you should know this, being one yourself?” She looked at me with that disdainful look again, and I felt myself glare at her.

    “Shut up, will you?” I angrily say, before she walks up to me, well, runs up to me, and thwacks me with that huge bushy tail. I go flying to the floor, in pain and confused.

    “How did you... What?” I'm confused beyond my own boundary of idiocy.

    “I'm a morph between a human, and a Pachirisu, okay? A Pokémon, as I've already said. And you're an ignorant, annoying fool, who seems to have nothing better to do than lie there, encased in mud, still staring at me.” I feel myself staring at her, and look away quickly. But thanks to staring at her, it hits me dead on. Her rounded, brown eyes and small pointed nose, and the yellow fur on her cheeks, that had a slight pink mixed in where she's obviously feeling at uncomfortable at my observation of her. The pointed blue ears, and her long, flowing pale blue hair, slightly damp from the rain. The huge bushy tail she has, with it's three spiky tips, and long pale blue stripe running all the way from the end of her tail to the space between her eyes.

    The same tail that knocked me to the floor when she decided to attack me with it.

    Oh, and her hands and feet are pawed, with the human amount of what once were fingers and toes. The rest of this girl is covered in a white fur, which makes her seem more comfortable, albeit ever so slightly, with me staring, despite her blushing anyway. So she has a sort of squirrel-y appearance, and is around six inches smaller than me, standing at five-foot-one.

    She's a real Morph. The Murkrow is real. Urk. I feel stupid. I look at her, and feel a lump form. The nerves are starting to hit.


    “Look... Hey, I'm sorry... I just don't believe this... I mean, I'm not a Morph... I'm a human. My name is Tyler Phoenix and I'm a human. I don't know where I am, and I'm sorry, but I must be having a dream... Damn it, this is so bloody confusing!” At the curse, the girl flinches, and smiles at me.


    “Tyler Phoenix, despite being a really stupid boy, you aren't the only one in a weird situation. I'm a human too. Well, at least, was... I remember being dragged down a corridor.”


    I had the same memory. A long corridor, feeling someone drag me. My eyes flickering open and shut, and seeing the white walls around me, shining brightly, the linoleum against me burning my skin from friction, and the fear I struggled against as I was being taken somewhere unknown by the people carrying me.


    “And a few memories of life, but nothing more. At least I know my name. My name is Alexandra Fynn, Alex for short. And that I'm sixteen. But nothing else. really..”




    Appreciating her feelings, I approach her, but she backs away. “You come near me, and I'll attack you again. You may have introduced myself, but you're still a threat. Especially with what you are...” I stare at her confused, and rub my cheek, where I can feel the blood drying on my damp skin... Hang on, feel it drying? It should have just trickled and washed away in the rain... I feel my face, and it feels furry. This is really weird. But I think I know what's going on. I hold my arm below my face.


    When I saw my arm, I should have seen myself.


    But I don't see my human self at all. Firstly, I see a thin chest, covered in white fur down to my waist, minus a blue, rounded, triangular shape that links to a pair of 'shorts'. The rounded triangle has a red rounded triangle border inside it, which is pretty bold against the dark blue. My legs, like my arms, are also white, but my feet from my shins down, and arms upwards from the wrist, are covered in a blue fur much like the 'shorts'. I also notice that I have claws on both my feet and hands, where toenails and fingernails were, and that I feel unnaturally comfortable walking on them. I can't see my face, but feel clearly that is slightly pointed. Finally, I notice that I have tufted, pointy ears, which are very soft to the touch, very sensitive, and are fun to stroke, and that the thick branches are in fact... wings? Really? I have wings. Twisting my neck, I look and see that, like most of my back, my wings are blue. I assume that I can fly, but I'm not going to try. I'm too exhausted for that. I'm feeling truly shocked, and I just don't know what to say. It's now my turn to blush, as Alex looks at the non mud-covered Tyler. She approaches me, putting a hand on my shoulder.


    “A Latios Morph. Very awesome. So, Tyler, I'm sorry, but you know you're a morph now...” She says to me, with a blank stare. “You need to be so careful. You could get yourself killed shouting like that. And if I have to, to make sure you don't shut up, I will kill you. Seriously Tyler, the last thing I need is a loud-mouthed fool right now. Got it?” I gulp, and frown. She looks away, giving me a chance to gulp and recover a bit.


    “What are we going to do? We're in the same situation here.” I stare at the sixteen-year-old nervously.


    “We're going to find out who we were, but firstly, we need to establish where we are, and what's going on.” I say, Alex smiles slightly at my outburst, obviously in the know.


    “Maybe you should follow me, before trying to be Mr Heroic and getting yourself killed. I know somewhere safe enough.” she says, taking hold of my curiosity.


    “Really? Right. Sure, I'll follow you Alex. Like there's anything around here anyway.” I mutter. She smiles at me and starts walking.


    “You'd be surprised, Tyler, you'd be very surprised.” As she leaves, I realise I can't be left behind, so despite my exhaustion and the time, we start walking through the forest.


    Heck, this is weird, and I'm still confused, but I guess I'll just have to adapt, right? Urgh, I hate whoever or whatever has done this to me. I hate you. You've left me somewhere that's really far from anything I know at all. You've left me with a cute squirrel girl who seems nice enough, but will happily kill me. And I'm battered, bruised and in no shape to go anywhere, but I have to if I want to live. Although, saying that, this is a whole new world for me to explore, to discover. No rules or restrictions, no parents, no nagging teachers to lecture me for not getting homework in on time, despite my best efforts to. This could be really fun, a whole new adventure.


    But still, I'm not too happy about this.


    God-damn you, whoever you are, despite giving me a new world to explore. I was happy enough in my previous life. I was settled. Things were good, y'know? God-damn you.


    Hm...


    Should that be Arceus-Damn you?
    Last edited by Krazy95; 16th June 2012 at 2:58 AM.

  2. #2
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    Well, this is interesting. Your basic "normal guy gets pulled into the Pokemon world (or some variation of it), meets a chick (a hot, naked chick) and decides to learn more" with some "created/sent there by some mysterious force/people" overtones. It's a pretty basic formula, but it has potential, especially since he hasn't landed in the basic Pokemon world, but one that includes hybrids for some reason. You certainly have potential to be interesting and different here.


    So we start off with some guy waking up and feeling different, but he never really takes a look at himself or thinking. I can kind of buy this, as he's probably preoccupied with trying to figure out where he is and what's going on. Still, I don't really see why he wouldn't notice that the mud or water is sticking to his skin differently, and then realize it's different because he has fur instead of skin.

    Anyhow, giving Tyler's memories definitely help us place him and get an idea of his background. Mentioning the Pokémon VGC finals is a huge indicator that tells us he's from our world, but it might help to call them the "Video Game Championship finals" since not everyone may know what "VGC" stands for. The examples of shyness are overall good, though. This does make it weird that he doesn't act shy at all when he meets Alex, so you may want to edit that.

    The whole thing with the birds is generally random. Birds don't attack someone just because they're being loud, so this is kind of weird. Also, after he yells at the birds he completely forgets about them or they disappear suddenly, and then it rains and then someone appears out of nowhere with no notice. The pacing is a little too fast here, and a lot just goes without much explanation. Do they fly away in fear when he starts yelling, and does he then see they're all Murkrow? Does he hear Alex's footsteps squelching through the mud as she approaches?

    The encounter with Alex then doesn't make much sense, either. She gags him from behind, and when he spins around she just stands there awkwardly and silently while he stares at her for a few minutes describing her. All she does is stand around and look mildly embarrassed but doesn't try to cover herself up. She also doesn't seem embarrassed that he's naked, either. I'm not sure if it suddenly stops raining, because that doesn't get described. Anyhow, is his fur soaked wet? What does it feel like to have wet fur?

    Alex's overall reaction is also weird. Like I said, she just stands there while he examines her. She doesn't explain why she grabbed him, she doesn't explain why he would have died without her standing there, she doesn't ask if he's okay, she doesn't say how long she's been there or when she saw him, she doesn't explain how she knows what Morphs are/if she just made up the name herself, she doesn't say how she knows what Pokemon are, she doesn't say she thinks she's from another world where Pokemon was just a game. In all, she feels less like a real character/person and more like a hot naked chick for Tyler to stare at and have follow him around. Would she still be acting like this if she was a male? Concentrate on her personality and her history - give us a real character with a real background to work with. How does she react to seeing another Morph, or to Tyler staring at her naked body?


    Anyhow, here are some general nitpicks I had. Nothing to worry about, just little spots that could be fixed pretty easily/quickly if you take the time, and it would really help the story. :>
        Spoiler:- Click me! :3:



    As I said, you have an interesting premise here, but you do have some problems in the first chapter. A lot of it is pacing - everything happens pretty fast without always being described. Another part is just describing his surroundings and such. Lastly, the character of Alex needs to be hammered out more, since she's pretty flat and doesn't seem to have a role beyond being stared at. It's not nice and it's kind of sexist.

    But don't lose faith! All this just means you have to put in a little more time and effort. If you want to make this into a great fic (and I have faith that it can be!) than a little patience is all you need. I hope you take my advice with these changes, and good luck!

    ~Psychic
    Last edited by Psychic; 28th May 2012 at 7:41 AM.

  3. #3
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    Noooooo, Psychic beat me to it D8! Though her critique is loads better.

    Okay, here on request like you asked.

    I believe I mentioned it before, but if not, I'm going to say that this may not be my cup of tea. I honestly am not very familiar with Poké-Morphs, which may have come to being because of Dragonfree's Morph, a story I haven't read, but have seen some summaries and reviews about it. So that's where I take it came to be popular. So as you can probably tell, I'm going to be fairly confused. However, interestingly enough, I wasn't as confused as I thought I would be. I don't know how to say it, but I think it being in first-person helped, especially since our protagonist is confused himself.

    This first chapter isn't too bad, albeit short, and it does work in introducing two characters whom we'll be following throughout the story. While there's not much I can say about the chapter itself, I'll have to warn you about being flowery when it comes to the vocabulary. While it is nice to have excellent vocabulary, when it comes to first-person, it's more realistic if the narrator doesn't use a lot of "big" words. I'm not saying they should be left out of the story, but describing the surroundings, the senses, what he's thinking, et cetera, et cetera, should be toned down. I don't know how old he is, so if he's 16 like I'm thinking he is, and also judging by his character, he's not sophisticated enough to handle big words, let alone flowery prose.

    So I'm asking you to be careful about describing the world around this young character and what he does. If he was a learned person and it was established from the very beginning that he is, then I wouldn't mind it so much. But as his mind goes from one place to another, and has his little moments (which is a good kind of quirky characterization), the vocabulary should be lessened slightly. It'll also make it easier to follow.

    All right, now for the mistakes I've seen.

    Quote Originally Posted by Krazy95 View Post
    My name...age...subconscious memories, starting to form in my mind. Slowly, feelings are returning, the nerves sending signals through the synapses and my blood, the oxygen rushing through my respiratory system, and as I start to get conscious thought, BAM! My eyes flash open. Alert, I try and move, which triggers the next sense. Touch. The pain rips through my body, leaving me almost paralyzed. Whatever struck me hurt. To make it worse, I don't have a clue as to where I am. I can just about move my feet and hands, but what use is that? I'm lying on the floor, or ground, or whatever. It's cold, damp, ...sticky? Why STICKY!? As for where the hell I am, this weird surface beneath me isn't helping. Heck, I could be inside a whale's stomach for all I know.
    There's a lot going on in this first paragraph that almost lost me. It could be because the flow of tenses are all over the place (it got better as the story went on, of course, but this is the first paragraph, the most important paragraph ever). Reading it in my head feels awkward, and I'm very certain it sounds just as awkward. If you aren't sure about how a sentence flows, repeat it out-loud to yourself or to someone else. If it sounds funny, the words need to be switched around some or changed. Same with tenses. It was almost like you were going between past and present tenses, though it settled down into present tense rather quickly (not that the same issues don't pop up as well, they just got more scarce as the chapter went on).

    Remember how I said his character is quirky to me? This paragraph proves it. The way he goes "BAM", and even seems to show horror at "STICKY!?" Of course, you need to be careful with this as well, as it can get repetitive and tiresome very quickly. He can be AD(H)D all he wants, you just need to be careful about his narrative voice.

    Oh yeah, and it won't hurt to cut some of the paragraphs in half, especially when we hit his inner physical thoughts.

    despite the fact I can faintly see the Sun (or another star, the voice echoes) high in the sky.
    Eh, probably just a personal nitpick of mine, but while it's not incorrect to capitalize it, in a normal sentence like that, it should be lower-cased.

    IAfter around 20 minutes, I'm guessing that the mud is drying and hardening around my limbs, as every step takes about 10 seconds of effort.
    I can technically pass off on "20", but in general, if a number is below "100", it needs to be written out as a word, as it looks better visually, and doesn't interrupt the flow. If it was something like "three hundred and sixty-six", then you write it out as "366". "1000", despite being over 100, will look better as "one thousand".

    Make sense?

    Why is there a Murkrow on tye floor?
    What does he mean by that? Are you missing a word there or did you use a wrong word? It sounds incomplete to me, though.

    It's then that I feel a drop of rain hit my face. And another hits my shoulder. And another again. Then more, falling faster. Rain.
    Here's some repetition that can hurt you. It helps if you replace the first "rain" with "water", and even lay off on the choppy short sentences like that and just say:

    "It's then that I feel a drop of water hit my face, then another on my shoulder. It wasn't long before it became a downpour. Rain."

    It looks a little better that way.

    I'm to shout out in victory when I feel a hand press against my mouth, effectively gagging me.
    "I'm to shout out in victory?" Did you forget a word here by any chance, like "about"?

    “Shut up or I'll leave you to die.” Gulp.
    The gulp sound effect should be in its separate line, honestly.

    Okay, so I'm feeling thrown off by the whole 'leave you to die' thing, but I decide that shutting my trap is a good move.
    There's nothing wrong here, I'm just pointing it out since that's the quirky narrative I'm liking about this character. It's also more proof (not that previous paragraphs didn't show it) that this is a young character with no advanced vocabulary, and is rather casual with his words. Do please keep this up.

    Oh, and she has a sort of squirrel-y rodent-y appearance, and is around 6” smaller than me, standing at 5'1”.
    No numbers, please. It'd flow smoothly if it's written out as "six-feet" and "five-foot-one", respectfully.

    But I don't see myself at all. What I see is a thin chest, covered in white fur down to my waist, minus a blue, rounded, triangular shape that links to a pair of 'shorts' around my, well, genitalia. The rounded triangle has a red rounded triangle border inside it, which is the same red as the red of my eye, which I see reflected in a puddle. My face is slightly pointed, and is mainly blue, with a white orb shape covering most of the fur between my eyes. My legs, like my arms, are also white, but my feet from my shins down, and arms upwards from the wrist, are covered in a blue fur much like the 'shorts'. I also notice that I have claws on both my feet and hands, where toenails and fingernails were, and that I feel unnaturally comfortable walking on them. Finally, I notice that I have tufted, pointy ears, which are very soft to the touch, very sensitive, and are fun to stroke, and that the thick branches are in fact... wings! I have dark blue wing, like most of my back, and can fly! But I'm not going to try. I'm too exhausted for that. I'm feeling truly shocked, and I just don't know what to say.
    This should be pruned, same with Alex's physical description. We don't need all the little details unless it's really that important to point out. This is what we call "costume porn", though it's a bit awkward in this case since they don't technically wear "clothes".

    While it's not technically incorrect to do so, it gets tiring to read a block of text (or numerous blocks of text depending on the piece of writing) that's all about someone's physical appearance. It has a bad reputation of being in Mary Sue stories, and this is why a lot of folks don't take lightly to this sort of description. Since we do know what a Latios looks like, just leave in the basic detail of what one looks like. I don't care that he has a white oval on his forehead like a Latios does. I do care, though, that his ears are sensitive and fun to touch, and that he has wings and fur. The mentions of the triangular shapes aren't a bad idea either. Same with that he has "shorts", though that can easily be overlooked.

    It is the same with Alex, though she wasn't as bad. Still, her description could use some pruning as well.

    “We're going to find out who we were, but firstly, we need to establish where we are, and what's going on.” I say, feeling like a leader almost. Alex laughs at my valiant pose and idea, then suggests quietly that maybe I should “follow her”, as she already knows the area. I feel like that's a good idea, so I'm going to. Heck, this is weird, and I'm still confused, but I guess I'll just have to adapt, right? Urgh, well whoever did this to me, I hate you... But you've given me something worthwhile to do. And you've given me a pretty good-looking squirrel girl.
    Hmm, you're "telling" us instead of "showing" us here. Why not have Alex say "follow me" herself instead of Tyler telling us she did? And how about a little bit more dialogue in there? Just a little bit.

    And break the paragraph in two after a piece of dialogue.

    God-damn you anyway.

    Or should that be Arceus-Damn you?
    More quirky traits.

    So overall, it's not bad. I don't know if this is your first story or not, but it's decent so far. I can see you improving as time goes on, so I hope to see such improvements along the way. I'm mostly going to be looking for improvements in the narrative, but story-telling is just as important.

    So I'm gonna keep an eye on this one (PM me if you wish to keep me in check). Wish you luck, and happy writing ^_^.
    Last edited by Kutie Pie; 28th May 2012 at 8:07 AM.
    Winner of Best Pokémon/Pokémon Fic of 2013 in the Shipping Oscars
    Current Chapter: Chapter Ten - 3/17/14 / Current: Requiem I - 11/17/14 - Chapter 21 progress: 66%
    I survived Pupa.

  4. #4
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    Psychic - thank you very much for the review of that. As I posted it, I had an idea of where I wanted it to go.

    The first thing you said was the contradiction. I believe it says:

    After a struggle, forcing all of my energy into a tight push, my eyes closed and groaning from the struggle, I feel the sticky grip of the floor release me, and I'm flung into a sitting up position. Time to open my eyes and see what that sticky crap all over me is.
    I do see why you may interpret that as him opening his eyes, as I haven't explained that his eyes are closed from the struggle. Sorry about that...

    The second voice is interesting - at the moment, it's almost like his conscience pushing at him, or suggesting things, and I have ideas where I'm going to go with that. But I can see why I should have elaborated on his reaction to it, rather than just mention it.

    When he calls out in anger - he is calling out to the 'thing' that walloped him. I also see you mention how he know's it is something. That's just gut instinct which he keeps faith in.

    Some of the lacking description and character development is missing for a reason - a lot of this is information which I'm exploring in the next chapter, and a lot of it will link to points which you may feel I've missed here. of course, it may end up they would have fitted in better here, but if that is the case, it's a mistake I'll learn from.

    I also appreciate the advice about character description - I wasn't sure myself whether to put that much in or narrow it down a little.

    As you've mentioned yourself, I've noticed hitches with my physics, such as the reflection in the puddle of rain. And as for flying, he's making the assumption that wings means he can fly. He seems to have disregarded creatures from the human world such as the Ostrich.

    Alex knows because she has the same recognition of Pokémon he does. Same world and similar memories.

    He hates his position more than the unknown force/being, but he's essentially taking it out on them. His worthwhile thing is to get himself back to his original body and world.

    Oh, the bit about the 'hot girl' - remember, he's a teenager. As part of his character, I'm planning on making him quirky, and a bit arrogant/douchey. I don't want him to be a perfect character, and i want him to have flaws, one of them being his arrogance and immature/stupid comments. Heck, if he was real, there's moments where I'd punch him.


    Finally, I'd like to thank you for the positives and faith in me - the pacing is an issue and I'm planning on slowing it down a little. And for the questions you have left open about Tyler, Alex and the scenery, I hope I can answer them in Chapter two




    Kutie Pie - thanks for the review - both negatives and positives, as with Psychic. I'm glad you like the quirkiness he has. It's not going to be continuous, but it'll be here and there, and it's definitely part of his characterisation.

    You mentioned numbers in there, such as the '10 seconds' and '6"'. These are going to be changed from now, I appreciate that it makes better reading

    Oops, I missed a word and spelt a word wrong... And yeah, gulp should have had it's own line. I wasn't sure whether it should or not, so I left it alone.

    Thanks for the positive - i like showing that despite having some decent vocabulary, it isn't too advanced and he does still throw in casual phrases and acts like a teenager. I'm enjoying writing as him.

    Like I said to Psychic, Alex is going to be explored in Chapter Two. It's where all the questions I haven't answered will be answered.

    This is my first actual story I'm putting proper effort into, not just a quick 20 minute type-up-and-post.

    Thanks for wishing me luck, I hope your writing goes well too ^_^.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Krazy95 View Post
    Psychic - thank you very much for the review of that. As I posted it, I had an idea of where I wanted it to go.

    The first thing you said was the contradiction.

    I do see why you may interpret that as him opening his eyes, as I haven't explained that his eyes are closed from the struggle. Sorry about that...
    No problem, glad to help. :>

    I think I see what you mean, but I'm still confused at your very third/fourth sentence, "My eyes flash open." Can he just not see anything, or are his eyes not really open?



    Quote Originally Posted by Krazy95 View Post
    The second voice is interesting - at the moment, it's almost like his conscience pushing at him, or suggesting things, and I have ideas where I'm going to go with that. But I can see why I should have elaborated on his reaction to it, rather than just mention it.
    Truthfully, when I pointed this out it was more of a passing thought as I read through, but after it stopped being mentioned I figured it wasn't anything significant, and was more along the lines of what you just explained. That does make sense, whether it comes from the subconscious part of him that has somehow already accepted where he is, or from the Latios part of him that already knows this stuff.

    Though on that note, if he's a Latios Morph, if he's part Latios in body, is he part Latios in mind? Are there are instincts from the Pokemon side of him that he might have to acknowledge, accept, and even control if necessary? Just an interesting thought.


    Quote Originally Posted by Krazy95 View Post
    When he calls out in anger - he is calling out to the 'thing' that walloped him. I also see you mention how he know's it is something. That's just gut instinct which he keeps faith in.
    If he instinctively knows he got beaten up, is there a way to mention this in the story? And as I said, if there's any physical trace of a fight on his body, that would also help to know. I'm sure if he was recently beaten up he's have at least a couple healing cuts and bruises, or at least some soreness.


    Quote Originally Posted by Krazy95 View Post
    Some of the lacking description and character development is missing for a reason - a lot of this is information which I'm exploring in the next chapter, and a lot of it will link to points which you may feel I've missed here. of course, it may end up they would have fitted in better here, but if that is the case, it's a mistake I'll learn from.
    Well, the plus side of posting on a forum is that you can edit your chapters. :> Unless he literally goes blind at times, you can add the pieces of description I've recommended, like about what the birds look like, his pain in being pecked, and the Murkrow on the ground.

    Giving this kind of basic description can't hurt your story, nor will it give anything important away. Rather, the point of it is so that when you tell a story, you can focus on describing things that will make the story more vivid, and thus feel more exciting and more real to the reader. You don't have the same emotional impact when you don't describe your protagonist's pain, or the shock as he slowly examines the bird and realized holy crap, that's no ordinary bird!. It's all about making your story exciting and real, so your reader invests their own emotions into the story you tell, and all that can be accomplished through simple description.


    Quote Originally Posted by Krazy95 View Post
    I also appreciate the advice about character description - I wasn't sure myself whether to put that much in or narrow it down a little.

    ]As you've mentioned yourself, I've noticed hitches with my physics, such as the reflection in the puddle of rain. And as for flying, he's making the assumption that wings means he can fly. He seems to have disregarded creatures from the human world such as the Ostrich.
    Description isn't easy to master (and like I said above, it's pretty intricate, and wonderful if you use it right). Learn from what we've said and see how you can edit what you've got, for starters.

    I see what you mean about assuming wings = flight - however, it is an assumption. So show that he's making an assumption through your wording. You can do this by adding the word "probably," as in "I have dark blue wing, like most of my back, so I could probably fly!" Like I said, the sentence didn't make sense grammatical before that anyway, so this would be a simple but helpful edit.


    Quote Originally Posted by Krazy95 View Post
    Alex knows because she has the same recognition of Pokémon he does. Same world and similar memories.
    Yes, but of course not everyone from our world plays Pokemon and knows all their names. :P I would be surprised if I went up to a random girl on the street and she knew what a Pidgey was, never mind a Latios. If she's from another world where Pokemon was just a game that she played, she should say so, in case he doesn't know.

    That's kind of what I was talking about when I said she doesn't act like a proper person. It feels like she's just there to stand around, look pretty, and just be in the same boat as him. Like I said before:
    Quote Originally Posted by Psychic
    She doesn't explain why she grabbed him, she doesn't explain why he would have died without her standing there, she doesn't ask if he's okay, she doesn't say how long she's been there or when she saw him, she doesn't explain how she knows what Morphs are/if she just made up the name herself, she doesn't say how she knows what Pokemon are, she doesn't say she thinks she's from another world where Pokemon was just a game.
    The result is that she kind of just feels like a piece of cardboard shaped like a Pachirisu Morph for Tyler to ogle at who doesn't do anything. Her reactions to the situation and to him aren't normal. You need to fix that, or else you literally may as well replace her with a piece of cardboard and a voicebox, if you don't mind my saying so.


    Quote Originally Posted by Krazy95 View Post
    He hates his position more than the unknown force/being, but he's essentially taking it out on them. His worthwhile thing is to get himself back to his original body and world.
    Part of it is I'm just surprised that he only just arrived at a world where his favourite video game is reality, and all he wants to do is leave. If it were me, I'd be annoyed, sure, but I'd also want to explore a little, finally get to meet and befriend Pokemon, use awesome powers and stuff like that, you know? Anyhow, you are moving a little fast if your protagonist already knows there's a force behind these happenings and wants to fight it within the very first chapter. Take your time, here. :>


    Quote Originally Posted by Krazy95 View Post
    Oh, the bit about the 'hot girl' - remember, he's a teenager. As part of his character, I'm planning on making him quirky, and a bit arrogant/douchey. I don't want him to be a perfect character, and i want him to have flaws, one of them being his arrogance and immature/stupid comments. Heck, if he was real, there's moments where I'd punch him.
    Heh, well there certainly isn't anything wrong with having a flawed character.

    However, part of the problem is that it feels like the narration agrees with Tyler's teenage standpoint. In the story, it feels like you literally gave Tyler "a pretty good-looking squirrel girl" as fanservice, because it would be way more boring and less sexy if it was a naked squirrel dude instead. That's kind of what I've been implying, and it's the one thing that worries me, here. There's nothing wrong with one of your characters being an attractive girl! But something is wrong if she has no real character, no personality, and doesn't really act or speak like a normal person. That kind of thing shouldn't happen to any character in any proper story.


    Quote Originally Posted by Krazy95 View Post
    Finally, I'd like to thank you for the positives and faith in me - the pacing is an issue and I'm planning on slowing it down a little. And for the questions you have left open about Tyler, Alex and the scenery, I hope I can answer them in Chapter two
    These are more questions that I feel like two strangers thrust into an unknown land would ask one another immediately, actually. They probably would each have a lot of questions, and since they're the only ones around, they'd likely ask them of each other immediately if they could. Of course I could be wrong - maybe Alex knows a whole group of Morphs and already knows lots of things about how the world works and what kinds of people Morphs are. Guess I'll just have to wait until Chapter 2.

    Anyhow, like I said, I have faith, so I'm looking forward to seeing how you improve and what happens next. Cheers.


    ~Psychic

  6. #6
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    Hey guys, this is Chapter Two - I have edited Chapter One as to what was mentioned above in the previous critiques - I hope you enjoy!



    Chapter Two - Two Sides to See







    Being stuck in a forest as the sun goes down is never going to be fun if you aren't camping. It's even worse when you've got an angry sixteen-year-old female who continually pushes you forwards, drags you through bushes and brambles, and threatens to leave you stranded in a forest that doesn't seem to end if you fall behind. See, for her, it's fine. Compare:

    She is:
    A) Used to this environment,
    B) Pretty rested and healthy,
    C)Knows where the hell she's going.

    As for me, I am:
    A) Am following her, and do not know the environment.
    B) Battered,bruised and exhausted,
    C) Completely and utterly lost.

    I think you see the problem here. So you have me, a Latios Pokémorph who is actually a human. Who has no idea where he is and is following a Pachirisu Pokémorph, who is also human, but seems to know where she is. Alex is swiftly moving ahead, ducking branches and jumping high roots with ease, along the rough dirt pathway that we're following. It's barely visible, but Alex hasn't strayed from it once. Behind her, but not by very much, you have yours truly. I don't mind being behind, but come on, if she's fine to leave me trailing in the dust, how do I know that where's she's taking me to isn't a pit filled with hungry, hungry Hippowdon?

    There we go, you've got it right all by yourself again. You have some potential, my voice whips up. Scowling to myself, I ignore it, and keep on walking. You can't ignore me, Tyler. I'm as much part of you as you are. My voice decides it obviously wants to pester me, but I'm somewhat intrigued by it's statement. How is it as much of me as I am? I wait for an answer, but nothing comes. Looks like my voice is as temperamental as an out-of-tune radio.

    Oddly enough, it's because, despite her aggressive and rather murderous side, I trust her. She's been willing to help, and despite continual harassment throughout this journey, it's been because she wants us to be at this 'safe place' before it's late. Well, very late anyway. The sun is starting to go down, and everything is getting pretty dark and creepy. I hope she has some place where we can camp, but I'm thinking otherwise. A nice, long walk to wherever. I'm already bloody wiped.

    “Hey, Alex?” I call. “Can we stop somewhere soon? Even for ten minutes? I need a break, God-damn-it.” I swear quietly and lash out at a tree. As a Weedle falls out of the tree, hitting the floor with a thump, then squealing, I kick it, sending it flying.

    Arceus-damn-it, Tyler. I wish my voice was a real person. I'd kick them so hard. Anyway, Alex turns and looks at me, a pretty fierce glare as well.

    “Tyler, I've told you so many times, this is an easy journey, and we can't afford to be out here at night. Unless you want me to leave you in this wilderness, just follow my Arceus-Damn instructions, OK?” She snaps and turns to walk away again, but this time, I've had enough. I'm pissed off to the point where I couldn't care less what happens to me.

    “OK, Alex. So you'll abandon me, will you? Go ahead and leave me then, if you're that insensitive. Do it. Whatever. I'm staying here to rest, because in case you haven't noticed, I'm torn, battered, bruised and ****ing exhausted!” I can't take being forced to travel against my will by a sixteen-year-old squirrel girl who thinks she can control me. Alex stops dead in her tracks, and turns around, looking directly at me.

    If looks could kill, I'd be six feet under.

    I barely have time to react before I have a tail smashing into my face again. This looks like it's going to be repetitive, so I'm really hoping my new body will get used to squirrel-tail beatings. After all, it seems to be much better with everything else.

    Back to Alex. Once again, I'm knocked to the floor by a white and blue bushy tail. It's actually able to pack quite the punch. As I stand up, she pushed me to the floor, and scratches my chest and arms with her sharp claws. I can feel the skin rip open, the intense pain draining my energy even more than it already has, blood seeping from the many cuts. I feel a little hazy as I attempt to stand, like everything is being played in slow-motion. I stagger around, losing my bearings, and trip over a root, which I've done so well to avoid. As I hit the floor, a huge wave of darkness sweeps over me, and the pain fades away.

    The last thing I hear before passing out was my lovely second voice, chipping in with another loving remark.

    Tyler whited out. Alex gained 1 Exp.!



    I don't know how long it's been since I passed out when I come around. It's dark, so when I open my eyes I can see a slight flickering of light nearby. Everything else is shadowy, hazy and a complete mess. I struggle to move, but find I have the energy to sit up at least. As I put pressure on my arms to sit up, pain rips through my body once more. Another feeling I'm getting too used to. I cry out from the shock, and lean forwards, breathing heavily. Surveying my surroundings, I find I'm still in the forest, but there's a fire lit in a slightly more open area, and sitting beside it is Alex. She's heard my outburst, and is looking over at me, looking concerned, but visibly pissed off. I butt-shuffle along the floor towards Alex, who can't help but laugh at my sorry, pathetic state. To be honest, I wanted to laugh to, but couldn't muster the happiness to.

    “Hey Tyler, you got a problem? Durant's in your pants?” she jokes, giggling now. A manage to smile at that, and remember Durant. A large, metallic ant with huge jaws.... One of them in my pants would be bad enough, but a whole swarm? … I'm not going to get into that. I manage to smile at her, and as I butt-shuffle so I'm sitting next to her, I decide it's my turn to try and start something funny, and joke back.

    “If one was in my pants, I'd be scared enough as it is. A whole group of them, well, that's just not fair... Not that I'm wearing any pants...” I laugh at my own joke, and she laughs loudly, causing a Murkrow that's been following us to caw at us from a tree. That same Murkrow I happened to smash into the ground only hours earlier...

    “Hey, Alex, do you guys have clothes? I'm feeling pretty uncomfortable here...” Alex stares at me, before bursting into a fit of laughter. I'm so confused. “What's so funny about asking for clothes?” I inquire, not finding any sense in her fit of laughter.

    “Tyler, you're a Morph in a world where no humans are. Clothing isn't necessary. Society is much more relaxed here. Imagine how I felt arriving here, as a girl. I come from a society where men stare at women and girls all day... I felt the same when I first arrived here, but you get used to it.”

    Okay, I can understand what's happening, but still If I see a girl who's good looking and I get, well, turned on, I'm going to have by far the most awkward situation of my life.

    But I don't want to get into that when I can feel the fur on my chest and arms cracking as the blood dries on it. It's a weird sensation, having fur. It's like, imagine when you wrap up in a blanket. It feels like that, but warmer, furrier, more comfortable, and far more sensitive. It's the closest I can get to describing it. I also keep noticing myself playing with my tufted ears. The fur is fun to play with, as it's very soft, and with little underneath it, it's twisty and I can run my hand through it.

    Childish thoughts for a Latios... the voice pops up again.

    “Who the hell are you?” I ask it once again. I expect nothing, but this time, I get a whisper in my ear.

    I am your only true ally, but also your worst nightmare.

    "Well, that makes perfect sense..."

    Slowly, I feel a wave of drowsiness sweep over me. Alex is watching me with a concerned expression. I smile slightly, close my eyes, and lets my dreams take over.




    It's the next morning now, and I'm feeling pretty refreshed. On the other hand, emotionally I'm not. I really don't know what to make of Alex right now. She seems to be friendly one minute, and he next she's trying to hurt me, or kill me. I've woken up at God, I mean, Arceus knows when in the morning, and it's pitch-black. The fire has gone out. But I can still see. Everything is in night-vision. I can see everything clearly. I can see Alex curled up asleep by the fire's burnt-out ashes, looking the most peaceful I've ever seen her. She looks really cute, all wrapped up. But I already know that when she's awake, she's vicious and has a split personality about her. One minute, she's friendly, the next, she slices the skin on my arms and chest pen with sharp claws.

    Talking of said injuries, Alex applied a balm to it while I was asleep. When I woke up, she was already pacing around the mini camp-site she made, and was casually checking on me. It was only when I was upright she actually noticed me properly.

    “Hey there Phoenix. How's the slashes? I'm sorry about that, but you seriously pissed me of there.” I glared at her strongly, causing her to recoil slightly, but then stopped, and walked up to her, jabbing her in the arm with a claw.

    “You may be a ***** sometimes, Alexandra Fynn, but you're all I have at the moment. If you don't take me to this place we're going, I'll die out in the wilderness. And it doesn't help I'm being harassed by that Murkrow...” As I mentioned the Murkrow, it poked it's head out from the tree it had been in all night, stared at me, and cawed indignantly. Alex laughed at the Murkrow, gave me a serious stare, and jabbed me back, but only gently. She then laughed, beckoning me over. As I stood close to her, I whispered very quietly to her.

    “What do you want?” She stared seriously, and I started to panic.

    “Just thought you better know, that Murkrow over there, it's befriended you. Since you knocked it out, it seems to have become fond of you.” She whispers back.

    “You mean I can catch it?” I say loudly, from excitement. She shakes her head, and I realise this isn't going to be quite like how I thought it would... This Murkrow is just going to tag along for the ride, so it seems. Well, good luck to it. I think today I'm rested enough to test out this body to a better extent.

    “Hey, Alex. Up for a run? We lost a lot of time last night, so maybe we should get some speed behind us.” I smile at her, and, surprised, Alex smiles back, nodding. She gives me a mysterious look, like she's trying to figure me out. I'm harder to crack into than a Clam. Actually, that should be Cloyster.

    "See, I can learn, OK? No more questions or doubts". Stupid second voice.

    So off we go. Me and Alex, Alex and I. Off we run. The thrill I'm getting is exhilarating. My balance is so much more improved, and I'm much must faster. As I dart through the forest, dodging trees and bushes, leaping over roots and twisting around wild Pokémon, I feel the wind rush through my fur. The feeling is so amazing, it's just... I can't really describe it. Like having a hair-dryer blowing your dry hair without the heat at a much faster speed and covering all of your body at once. I only realise then that I'm leaving Alex behind. So I slow don and wait for her, then run at her speed. In fact, I'm running at a jog next to Alex's running. She stares at me, grinning at me, and this is when it clicks. I'm a Latios. I have the ability to run at hyper-speed and I can probably fly like that too.... So I reckon it's time for me to attempt this whole flying thing. Focusing as I run, I spread my wings, focus, jump.... and land back on my feet as normal. Hm. A Latios who cant fly. Odd. I'm going to have to learn. Groaning, I keep running with Alex, and we work our way through the forest, tree by frickin' tree.



    Ah, the sight of a forest ending, and a valley beneath us, with grassy plains on all visible sides. It's like something out of a movie I once watched. The breathtaking view really makes me wonder where I am, as I'm sure nowhere on Earth could look anything like this. And I'm pretty sure that Pokémon aren't found anywhere in Earth too, but that's just a random guess, isn't it? Heh, I'm definitely not in Kansas anymore. But what captures my breath the most isn't the valley or the fields around it. It's the huge citadel spanning the sides of the valley, built into the valley walls themselves. This is where Alex has brought me. I don't know why, but there must be important reasons, other than keeping me safe.

    “One of the many settlements home to Morph-kind. Welcome to Foesa.” Alex crops up before I can ask anything. So the settlement in the valley is called Foesa. It's not a huge place in terms of area on the outside, but it's long, and thin, and probably a lot bigger than it first looks as it's most likely built into the rocky terrain underground.

    Pretty soon, my suspicions are confirmed. A few Magneton buzz over to us, flying overhead. They then form a huge magnetic field around us, like a force field almost. I jab it, but get shocked.

    “****... That hurt...” I mumble, before hearing a scratching noise from the ground beneath us. A small, chubby boy pops up outside of the field, his brown skin covered in dirt. He sits with his head and shoulders out of the ground, but that's all. His rounded black eyes and bright red nose make him stand out quite badly. He frowns at us.

    “Morphs detected! Morphs detected!” he shouts out, to what seems like no-one. I feel pretty overwhelmed here. A small chubby boy, who's popped up from the ground beneath me is shouting to an unknown person. The Magneton buzz again as an answer is delivered. A voice louder than anything I've ever heard blasts into my super-sensitive eardrums.

    “Who is it Diglett?” it shouts, the voice echoing all around my head. I feel dizzy, but Alex and her Pachirisu friend seem fine. As does Diglett's counterpart...

    Wait, what? There is no Pachirisu friend or other Diglett!

    Snapping out of it, I look around for whoever spoke in the ridiculously loud voice. I had a horrible feeling of deja vu, but I had no idea why. Alex laughs at my horrified look.

    “Chill, Tyler. Things will be fine. If you screw up though, I'll do more than scratch up your arms and chest.” She says this to me with a grin on her face.

    Its like she actually enjoys hurting me.

    Gulp. Again.

    As I feel myself start to sweat and panic, I see a small figure walking up to us from the distance. Is that the stupidly loud speaker? As it approaches, I lose the sense of deja vu, and laugh a little. Standing outside of the magnetic field, at a height of what must be like two feet, was a Morph that looked like a weird tadpole.

    You should refer to it's species as Tympole, you know. That's what the Morph is. My voice decides to share it's knowledge with me at a good time, as Alex smiles through the field the the Tympole and sweet-talks it with a 'Hey Dart, how're you doing sweetie?” As she says it, she blushes slightly, hiding herself behind her tail. The Tympole, Dart, lights his eyes up at her, and glares up at the Magneton. The group disperse as if by order, and then Dart turns to the Diglett.

    “Hey, chubster, you've called me over and I've seen who it is. Alex and some new guy. You can go now,” he shouts at the Diglett kid. Although it's funny he's shouting and it isn't bursting my eardrums, and it's funny he thinks that the Diglett boy is chubby, much like my initial reaction, it's rather hurtful to see the boy start crying, and dive underground.

    Before I could do anything, Alex put a hand on my shoulder, and whispered in my ear “I got this.” She walked up to the small Tympole, who was level with her thighs, and bent down to a crouch. Looking at him, still sweetly, she ran a hand down his chest, and smiled. The Tympole, Dart, blushed heavily, and nervously smiled. He went to speak, and Alex took her chance. Grabbing him by the throat she lifted him up into the air, and glared. “I may be an acquaintance of yours, Dart, but whether I know you or not, you don't talk down to a young child like that. You should know, of all people, about being picked on for certain... features... you know what I mean, short stuff?” Like me, the Tympole gulped, but, unlike me, he was going bluer in the face from suffocation.

    “H-h-h.... I can't b-breathe...” he struggled to say through the strangling. Luckily, Alex knew this and threw him to the ground. She kicked him, and then started a long rant.

    Insert very long, foul, rude and downright nasty rant here.

    So, after the little Tympole guy gets a seriously nasty and abusive rant from the sweet-talking squirrel, he decides to pass on the message to the sentries that guard the town's entrances to let us through. Hooray for Tadpole-mon. As we start walking, and we see the gate built into a cave entrance, my lovely conscience-like voice crops up again, enjoying harassing me yet again.

    Now you're talking like Tympole is a Digimon. Seriously, snap out of it, kid. The voice refers to me as a 'kid'. A child. I'm seventeen.

    "Do you really think you can call me a child at seventeen? Honestly, I'm nearly an adult now." I ask it with a hint of fury in my thoughts. A pause.

    ...Yes.

    Great. All I get back is yes. No reasons, no nothing. Just. Frickin'. Yes. I give up with this. I'll just ignore it from now.

    You can't avoid dreams and nightmares Tyler.

    “Shut the Hell up!!” I yell out loud. Whoops. Alex turns and stops, then looks at me as if I'm going crazy. Maybe I am...
    “Hey, Tyler? Are you OK? What was that all about?”, she says in an inquiring tone. I shake my head, and carry on walking, straight past her and through the Foesa Gate.

    “It was nothing Alex. Nothing at all.”


    Around an hour later, we'd actually arrived in Foesa. It took so long because I was questioned about 50 times on the way by different sentries, all asking the same questions. What is your name? What is your age? What species are you? The same question every time. It's like they thought my name would suddenly change between gate thirty and thirty-one. Each gate had a teleporter to part of the city too, but for some reason, we weren't allowed to use them. Well, I wasn't allowed to. Alex could have left me, but didn't. She'd brought me where she wanted me to be, so why not go our separate ways? Hm, I think her offering to come here wasn't all that co-incidental. Too late to go now, so I may as well stick around to see the epilogue of this journey.

    At long bloody last, we reach the final gate, and step through, after the usual What is your name? What is your age? and so on. Looking at Foesa, I see I'm on the East Bank of Foesa, and can see the buildings built into the side of the valley. I can even see the many Morphs taking part in their daily routines on the opposite side of Foesa, the West Bank. The views were stunning.

    But what took me by surprise the most was the sheer number of Morphs.

    There were market stalls run by different Pokémorphs, such as a Tropius selling berries and fruits, and a Munchlax auctioning rare foods before he ate them. There were houses galore, with families entering and leaving, young couple strolling out hand in hand, and a few elderly Morphs wandering around, saying hello to everyone they walked past. There were offices, with Alakazam and Reuniclus gathering around outside twisting cutlery and talking about new geeky stuff. And there were the construction sites, everything in shape there. Golem Morph workers using Explosion, the Conkeldurr and Vigoroth Morphs moving objects and breaking walls. There was even a Gyarados (an actual Pokémon) at one, towering over the valley barriers to Hydro Pump a powerful wall to weaken it, before it was broken.

    I couldn't believe my eyes. Despite seeing Foesa from above, I never thought it would be so busy! As I stare I awe, I get dragged along by a rather impatient Alex. I notice it getting slowly quieter as we go further down the bank, then it gets very quiet after we go into a cave at the far end. A Golbat flies overheard squealing, being chased by what seems to be a lovesick Swoobat. I laugh, thinking of the hilarity of the situation. Poor bats these days. Alex comes to a halt quite abruptly, and swivels on her tiptoes, facing me with a sweet smile.

    “Hey, Tyler? We need to wait her now. We can't go into that cave up ahead without invitation.” Before I ask why, she swiftly moves next to me, and puts a hand over my mouth. Thinking she is about to threaten me like before, I flinch slightly, but then feel a relaxing hand on my shoulder. “No death threats this time, Phoenix. You're too lucky for that.” She laughs a little, and I manage to get a small 'heh' out through my paw gag.

    After what seems like an eternity of being paw-gagged and having to wait for a sign of life, I notice someone, or something, watching me from the shades. A see a blue and red flash from where the eyes should be, and a jagged smile, sharp white fangs glinting at me.

    “Uh, Alex...” I muffle.

    “Not now Tyler.” she snaps. I look back, and find that whatever I saw has gone. So maybe I was seeing things. I look back towards Alex nervously, but wipe my head of sweat. I blink, and vwoosh!

    Dangling from the ceiling, hanging down, it's jewel eyes staring me in the face, its sharp fangs covered in saliva, and its purple boy glowing in the light, is a very scary Morph!

    I go to scream when I feel Alex's hand tighten on my shoulder. Obviously she's been expecting this. She stares at the hanging Morph, tutting, and grabs him off of the ceiling.

    As he hits he floor, I get a better look of him. He must be around four-foot-five, with a gaunt face, and pointed ears. Two diamonds for eyes and a red jewel on his chest, and long arms and legs, both looking quite awkwardly held compared to a normal person, or Morph in this case. His purple skin glistens in the light, and he grumbles about the brightness.

    “Brother Topaz. I did not expect to be seeing you here at this time of morning. I was expecting Brother Ra or Brother Draco to be here...” Alex spoke politely to the Morph, who was a 'Brother' of something. A religious cult maybe? The Morph turned and looked at Alex, then back towards me.

    “Master called on one of his more faithful servants for today's arrival. Despite Brother Topaz being a creature of the night, Master sees fit that Brother Topaz of all his servants are here to welcome the Latios.” Wait, what? This Morph and his Brethren or whatever have been expecting me?

    What.

    The.

    ****.

    And Alex knows about it too. Great.
    The Morph, which I recall as being a Sableye , stares me down, then smiles wickedly.

    “Master tells Brother Topaz that you are Tyler Phoenix, correct? Master says you are most important, and that Brother Topaz himself is to escort you to Master.” I stare at the Sableye nervously, and nod my head. He grins again, then holds my arm. “Come, you must. Master is awaiting your arrival, Tyler Phoenix.”

    “B-but wait, wh-wh-what a-about Alex?” I stutter. She smiles reassuringly at me.

    “I'll be here when you get out, Tyler.” I stare at the Pachirisu girl, smile at her, and turn away. Taking a deep breath, I stare at Topaz, and sigh.

    I start to walk reluctantly towards to the cave, and take one last look at Alex. She's already facing away, watching a pair of seemingly blind, legged rocks stumble around.

    Roggenrola is their name, Tyler. For once I thank the Voice, as these little guys are kind of cute in a blind and rocky way.

    I take the step into the cave door, and Topaz stares at me, his wicked grin on his face. As I walk in, and the doors close behind me, I feel a breeze of something rushing past. Just a strong breeze.

    At least, I hope so...

    I look at Topaz, his little face twitching in excitement, his hands rubbing together in anticipation. Opening my wings with a lot of power, I get the demonic Morph's attention as a gust of wind hits him. He stares at me. I look down on the Morph, our gazes connecting, and then I glare at him.

    “Okay then Topaz, let's go see Master.”
    Last edited by Krazy95; 19th June 2012 at 9:54 AM.

  7. #7
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    I only read a paragraph of Chapter 1 and it is great! Sending a mind movie through my head.

    "Every night I used to pray that I'd find my people -
    And finally I did - on the open road."


  8. #8
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    This is a great fan fic I wish this was more active..


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  9. #9
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    Yeah - don't close this for bumping, it's been my fault I haven't put more up - I'm halfway through the next chapter - so much stuff going on and it's slowed me down - there'll be a new chapter soon guys!

    If this has to be closed, I'll just re-post it.
    Last edited by Krazy95; 15th August 2012 at 3:43 AM.

  10. #10
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    Yes! I've been wanting to read more!

    "Every night I used to pray that I'd find my people -
    And finally I did - on the open road."


  11. #11
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    Yea for a second I pictured the thing in the cave that's upside down as a banette (sp?)


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