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Thread: The Exciting League Battles

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  1. #1
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    Default The Exciting League Battles

    Chapter 0: Enter The Unova League!


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    Kay had dreamed of this day. She'll finally challenge the Unova League! She pondered about what could happen. Will she emmit victouriosly, or will she suffer a crushing defeat. Only time could tell. She then looked around at the 10 pokemon surrounding her. There was a Emboar, a Lilligant, a Lampent, a Sneasel, a Stoutland, an Arcanine, a Lucario, a Crobat, Cobalion (Long Story) and A Meloetta (An Even Longer Story.) She was choosing the 6 to use in her battles. Emboar, Stoutland and Lucario Were Defenite. They've been with her since day 1. Emboar and Lucario also had an Advantage against grimsley, while Stoutland was unaffected by Shauntel's Ghost Attacks, And could bite back with crunch. She Needed A Pokemon To Go Up Against Caitlin's Psychic pokemon, and Marshall's Fighting pokemon.

    She was against using meleotta or Cobalion. They were powerful legends, not your typical pokemon. But Meloetta's Begs won her over. That Was 4 pokemon chosen. The 10 there wern't her only pokemon. There was lots of pokemon in her PC. She Eventually Got Sneasel and Crobat out the PC. It Was Time To Get Going.
    Last edited by KyuremCraze; 14th September 2012 at 7:51 PM.
    Here's my my first fic, Exciting League Battles Hope you like it!

    Chapter XII (7) is up! Go have a little sneak peek!

    Next Time: Kyurem, Lord of Thunder and Fire!

    vs.

    Second Fic: Still in Construction (<THAT'S NOT THE TITLE!)

    Next Time: Prologue

    Lopunnies, Lopunnies it must be Lopunnies! Or maybe Mijamaru....

  2. #2
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    Oh, Bored, So I Decided To Just Do Chapter 1 Today...

    Chapter 1: Marshall, Mienshao, Machamp,More!

    Kay was standing in front of a man. He had dark skin, and yellow-ish hair. "I bet he's Marshall." Thought Kay. "Hello There Young lady, I'm Marshall," The man Said. "have You Came To Challenge Me?, Because My Fighting Pokemon Will Do Their Best!" "Bring It!" Shouted Kay.

    "Mienshao, Battle Hard!" Bellowed Marshall, In A Deep Voice, as The Weasel-Like Pokemon Emerged From It's Poke Ball
    "*Giggles* Crobat, the Stage Is Yours!" Kay Said, Trying to Sound Confident, As Her Purple Bat-Like Pokemon Did laps Around The Battle Field.

    "Mienshao! Fake Out!" Mienshao moved Fast, Smacking Crobat With It's Whip-Like Fur. Crobat Just Shook It Off. "Inner Focus, Silly!" Kay Said. Now Giga Impact!" A Veil of Powerful Energy Surrounded Crobat, As He Charged At Mienshao. "Mienshao, U-Turn!", The 2 Moves Collided. Crobat Badly Hurt Mienshao, And Shrugged off U-Turn, But Mienshao Returned to Marshall's Side, While Lucario Emerged From It's Poke ball. "Ice Punch!" Lucario's Fist Radiated A Cold Aura, And The Aura Enveloped Crobat As the Attack Hit Her. After The Aura Cleared, Crobat Had Dissapered! "U-Turn!" Kay Commanded. The Bat Pokemon Came From Behind Lucario, Enveloped In A Silvery Light, And Smacked Into Lucario. Meleotta Came Out. "Close Combat!" Both Trainers Commanded. Meloetta Managed To Avoid Lucario's Close Combat, And Retalieted With Her Own. A Giant Storm of Dust Formed As Meloetta Lashed Out At Lucario.

    The Dust Cloud Dispersed, Revealing Lucario Fainted. "Return!" Marshall Said, "Now Sawk, Battle Hard!" A Skinny Blue Human-Like Pokemon Had Appeared. "Meleotta! Psychic!" Exclamed Kay. A Beam Of Distortion Hut Sawk, Making Him Levitate In the Air. Then He Was Sent Flying Back Down To The Ground. Kay Smiled As Marshall Recalled A Fainted Sawk."Throh, Battle REALLY HARD!" Marshal Said, Replacing Sawk With A Red Bulky Human-Like Creature. "Circle Throw!" Bellowed Marshal. Throh Made Circular Movements With His Arms, And Meloetta Seemed To Be Forcefully Drawn Next To Throh, Who then Caught Her In His Hands. He Then Threw Meloetta Into The Air, Suddenly forcing he To return To her cherish Ball. Out Came Sneasel. "Vital Throw!" Marshall Cried, making Sneasel And Kay Jump. "Now, Dodge and Use Metal Claw!" Sneasel's Claws Went metallic And She jumped Over Throh, Scrathing Him In The Back. "Now Beat Up!" Said Kay Cheerfully. All 6 of Kay's Pokemon Popped Out there Poke Balls, And They All Attacked, with There Right Hands/Front Right Paw/Top Right Wings Glowing A Sinister Purple. They attacked Like Wild Dogs, Finally Stopping When Throh fell To The Ground. "Throh!!" Cried Marshal, Who Instantley Returned The Fainted Pokemon. "Machamp, Fight Harder!!" The Four Armed Pokemon Emerged From A Repeat Ball. "Now Cross chop!". Sneasel Fainted, Getting Returned In A Split-Second. "Crobat!" Kay Utterd, and The Purple bat Came Flying Out it's Poke Ball. However, Before Kay Could Even Think Of An Attack, Machamp Hit Crobat Hard With The Powerful Stone Edge Attack, And She To, Was Fainted and Returned.

    "Emboar! My Blazing Champion, Center Stage!" "Sto-" Marshel Started To Say, But Kay Commanded Emboar To Use Fire Punch. The Mega Fire Pig Pokemon Putting It's Right fist Into It's Fiery Beard and Hitting Machamp with A Flaming Fist. Some Parts Of Machamp's Body Was Covered In Burns. the Ash Suddenly re-Ignited, Badly Hurting Machamp. "Now, hammer Arm!" Kay Ordered, as Emboar's Arms Glown With A Blue Hue. She Then Smashed Her Arms On Machamp's Head, Fainting It. "Now Return Machamp, As Mienshao Takes Your Place!" Mienshao Scampered From Marshal's Side To The Battle Field. "Aerial Ace!" "Thunder Punch!" the 2 trainers Exclaimed At the Same Time. Mienshao Was Paralyzed By Electricity, While Emboar Was Enveloped In A Soft Fiery Aura. Now "Fire Hammer!" Bellowed Kay, As Emboar Combined Fire Punch With Hammer Arm, Fainting Mienshao. Mienshao Was Returned. "Now My Conkeldurr, Valiantly Fight Hardest!" A Big Figure Emerged From The Shadows Behind Marshel. Stone Edge!!! Emboar Fell To The Ground....

    Find Out What Happens In Special Chapter 1: Vs. Marshall's Cunning Conkelldurr, Coming Monday, And Don't worry, The Battle Between The 2 Trainers Will Soon Heat Up, Let's Just Hope That Kay Doesn't Crash and Burn
    Here's my my first fic, Exciting League Battles Hope you like it!

    Chapter XII (7) is up! Go have a little sneak peek!

    Next Time: Kyurem, Lord of Thunder and Fire!

    vs.

    Second Fic: Still in Construction (<THAT'S NOT THE TITLE!)

    Next Time: Prologue

    Lopunnies, Lopunnies it must be Lopunnies! Or maybe Mijamaru....

  3. #3
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    First Of All, Writing With Capital Letters For Each Word Can Make It Really Hard To Read. Please stop doing that, okay?

    Is this long enough? Each chapter needs to be two pages in Word.

    You also have to make a new paragraph for each times someone talks or something new happens - in this case, a move. This will also make it easier to read.

    While your descriptions of moves are very good, you could put a bit more work into character descriptions, although they're okay right now. You haven't described the environment they're in, though. I don't even know if they're inside or outside. Try setting the scene a little bit each time people go to a new place.

    You also need to add a bit more personality to the characters. Kay, Marshall and the Pokemon seem very flat right now. How do they feel during the battle? Kay could be cool and collected, or frantically coming up with a strategy. Marshall would most likely be loud and confident. The Pokemon would have their own personalities too - Emboar might be proud, Meloetta might be girly, etc. During the battle, they might feel tired and scared, or totally brave and ready to fight. Pick a personality type for each character, and then use that to find out how they might feel in different situations.

    I'm also a bit concerned with how you are handling the backstory. Starting with her being far on her journey isn't a problem, but it doesn't feel like she's got that far. I see no strong attachments between her and her Pokemon. This could be remedied by showing some interaction before the battle between them, or by showing some flashbacks to important moments she had with them. Also, it'd be nice to know all of her Pokemon rather than saying 'oh yeah, she also has loads in the PC', as Pokemon are living creatures, not toys. Even a short list migh help.

    Finally, and this is REALLY important, is that fact that you just said 'long story' when explaining the legendaries. I have no problem with a character owning legendaries, but if there's a backstory or reason behind her having them, this must be made known. Otherwise, your character appears to be a 'Mary Sue', a character who is overly powerful and gets everything they want with no real effort. Plus, saying 'long story' makes you sound really lazy as a writer, which can turn readers off.

    So basically, you have potential, and I like the battles themselves and how you described the attacks. Just work on environments, characterisation and explaining the stories behind the legendaries properly, and this could be a really good story.

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  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chibi_Muffin View Post
    First Of All, Writing With Capital Letters For Each Word Can Make It Really Hard To Read. Please stop doing that, okay?

    Is this long enough? Each chapter needs to be two pages in Word.

    You also have to make a new paragraph for each times someone talks or something new happens - in this case, a move. This will also make it easier to read.

    While your descriptions of moves are very good, you could put a bit more work into character descriptions, although they're okay right now. You haven't described the environment they're in, though. I don't even know if they're inside or outside. Try setting the scene a little bit each time people go to a new place.

    You also need to add a bit more personality to the characters. Kay, Marshall and the Pokemon seem very flat right now. How do they feel during the battle? Kay could be cool and collected, or frantically coming up with a strategy. Marshall would most likely be loud and confident. The Pokemon would have their own personalities too - Emboar might be proud, Meloetta might be girly, etc. During the battle, they might feel tired and scared, or totally brave and ready to fight. Pick a personality type for each character, and then use that to find out how they might feel in different situations.

    I'm also a bit concerned with how you are handling the backstory. Starting with her being far on her journey isn't a problem, but it doesn't feel like she's got that far. I see no strong attachments between her and her Pokemon. This could be remedied by showing some interaction before the battle between them, or by showing some flashbacks to important moments she had with them. Also, it'd be nice to know all of her Pokemon rather than saying 'oh yeah, she also has loads in the PC', as Pokemon are living creatures, not toys. Even a short list migh help.

    Finally, and this is REALLY important, is that fact that you just said 'long story' when explaining the legendaries. I have no problem with a character owning legendaries, but if there's a backstory or reason behind her having them, this must be made known. Otherwise, your character appears to be a 'Mary Sue', a character who is overly powerful and gets everything they want with no real effort. Plus, saying 'long story' makes you sound really lazy as a writer, which can turn readers off.

    So basically, you have potential, and I like the battles themselves and how you described the attacks. Just work on environments, characterisation and explaining the stories behind the legendaries properly, and this could be a really good story.

    Thanks, and about me writing with a capital letter infront of every thing, it was a bad habit and my teacher at school helped me get over that today. The battle enviroments, well it's based on B/W2 and I didn't know anything about their rooms. The character descriptions, I'll improve. The legendary stories are coming up in this chapter.

    Special Chapter 1: Cunning Conkeldurr

    The room was filled with anxiety, as Conkelldurr and Emboar prepared to fight.

    "Conkeldurr! Earthquake!" Marshal shouted, his muscly body sweating.

    The ground shaked and debris was flying everywhere. Emboar's chubby body was bouncing up and down. If this was any regular battle, Kay would have found it funny. Emboar eventually had enough. His flaming aura dissapeared. He layed swirly-eyed on the floor.

    "No!" Kay screamed as she returned Emboar.

    Marshal stared at her. "I can tell you've trained your pokemon very much. However, have a weakness. You only taught your pokemon them offensive techniques. You need to balance techniques, or your opponent will find this weakness, and turn it against you, as I have."

    Kay realised that Marshal's wise words were true. A tear shed, trickling down her caramel-like coloured face. Had her desire to get power and nothing else cost her the many battles she lost? all the times her pokemon seemed to have this hallow look in their eye? Had she caused her pokemon to fear her? Kay now understood.

    "Kid," said Marshal. Kay hadn't realised that he had came in front of her. "I didn't mean to upset you. I would spend this night talking to your pokemon, gettting to know them and revising your strategy. Come back tommorow, and we'll have a 3v3 rematch, OK!"

    "Thanks," said Kay, as Marshal wiped the tear off her cheek. She walked out the room, and finally decided to look around. It was a plain, flat room, but it looked like it was under construction. As she left the league altogheter, She realised that it looked like a castle a bit, and that their was four towers.

    She stayed at a pokemon center that night, in a small room. All of Kay's Pokemon sat down in front of her.

    "I'm sorry guys, for being such a bad trainer. I should've trained you in other things besides offense, like defence or speed. If you don't except my apolagy, your free to go. Now I only want the best for you."

    Yet all the pokemon hadn't moved an inch, excluding Emboar, who extinghuised his fiery beard, walked over to Kay and hugged her.

    "You..You All Stayed? asked Kay, Who was still crying.

    They all nodded.

    "That's great, then let's get to know eachoter and have fun!" All the pokemon cheered, and Kay, for the first time since approching the league, smiled.

    5 minutes later...

    "Remeber Emboar, when I got you from Miss. Bianca?" Emboar nodded. "Or that time you thrashed Roxie's Whirlipede, then evolving into Pignite!" Emboar smirked.

    "Or you Stoutland, when you and Lucario were causing trouble at the Sangi Ranch!" The two pokemon grinned. "You were both the best in our battle during or battle with Elesa. Bone Rush and Dig were very affective!

    "Crobat, when i fell into Castelia Sewers and broke my arm, You were the only pokemon that helped me." Crobat remicised about that day.

    "Lilligant, you won me over with your wonderful dancing!" Lilligant started to do the exact dance that won Kay over.

    "Lampent, I thought you were a random candle when I first met You!" Lampent started to spin happily

    "Sneasel's been the fain the family since like.. forever!.. Well 2 years..." Sneasel remaind the same, but Kay could guess it was happy.

    "Arcanine... If It wasn't for you, I'd still be challenging Burgh and losing every time!" The Loyal Pokemon stuck it's tounge out teasingly.

    "Meloetta and Cobalion... I Remember the day I met you both." Kay had a flashback about that day.

    Kay's brother, Jayden, Had taken her to mistralton cave. She was accompanied by her brother, Emboar, Stoutland, Lucario, Jayden's Hydreigon, Sneasel (Who At This Point was Jayden's) and her own golbat (Crobat had not now evolved...yet.)

    They walked and walked. Kay then saw a pokemon laying on the ground. It was humanoid in shape. It had green hair. Like most pokemon, It only spoke it's name. Meloe..Meloe.. kay Picked it up and gave it a few sitrus berries.

    The pokemon opened it's eyes. Jayden recognised it as the legendary melody pokemon, Meloetta. Out of the Blue, Meloetta had taken one of Kay's pokeballs and banged it of it's head. The pokeball rumbled 3 times, Meaning it was a sucsess. Kay and Jayden didn't Understand. Why Did It Do That?

    Then A Blue goat-like pokemon appeared, and it charged at the Two Humans. At That moment, Golbat made a shield. Kay realised that The goat pokemon must have hurt meloetta, Being part psychic-type, probably sensed it and went into the pokeball to defend itself.

    Then a feminine voice appeared in Kay's mind. "Thank you, young trainer. You saved me. I owe you my life. Waht I'm about to do is only a small favor."

    Meloetta burst out it's pokeball, Manging to break through the sheild. It kicked the goat like pokemon in the face with Close Combat. In a moment of madness, Kay Threw a pokeball at the goat-like pokemon. It worked! The pokedex identified it as Cobalion a legendery pokemon. Jayden was impressed. "Two legends, he said. way to go sis!"

    At that moment, Cobalion burst out of the pokeball. It smashed it's horns right into Jayden. He collapsed. Kay was so mad, She orderd Meloetta to close Combat it into next week. At that moment though, Cobalion's eyes glew a rainbow-ish colour. It looked like it just snapped out a trance. Meloetta seemed to think that two, amd stopped.

    Cobalion saw what it did to Jayden, and since then, followed Kay around, Kay had guessed that it wanted to make up for it.

    "Hey Cobalion" Said Kay. Do you know who made you so enraged?" Cobalion shook his head. It also looked guilty. Kay walked beside it, and looked into it's eyes. "Don't worry Cobalion. You didn't mean It! Plus, Jayden's all good now. Cobalion looked a bit happier.

    "Now who's up for training!" All the pokemon cheered.

    Half a Hour Later...

    "Come on guys, you can do it!" Kay and Crobat cheered on the 9 pokemon as they went through an obstacle course. The point of the course was to improve the pokemon's speed, hich crobat mastered as a Zubat.

    Cobalion usually came first, but one time, Arcanine and Lucario won twice each. The others where still trying.

    "Go guys!" Kay was encourging her pokemon. They had all started an organized free-for-all, To boost there already aweome power, and defences. A Beutiful fusion happned when Sneasel's Metal Claw and Emboar's Fire Punch collided. Sparks flew into the sky like fireworks. Huh! Melotta was singing! It flew into the sky, inspired by the sparks, and as it sang, it's hair and eyes turned an Auburn colour, while it's dress become frayed.

    "Meloetta! You learned Relic Song and Changed into Piroutte form!" meloetta was so happy.

    But that's not it! Sneasel started to evolve into Weavile! As It Evolved, Metal Claw's steel-ish energy started to become a dark, weird energy. It's Now Night Slash!

    "Now Marshal Doesn't stand a chance! said Kay, as she and her pokemon jumped into the air.
    Last edited by KyuremCraze; 26th June 2012 at 5:27 PM.
    Here's my my first fic, Exciting League Battles Hope you like it!

    Chapter XII (7) is up! Go have a little sneak peek!

    Next Time: Kyurem, Lord of Thunder and Fire!

    vs.

    Second Fic: Still in Construction (<THAT'S NOT THE TITLE!)

    Next Time: Prologue

    Lopunnies, Lopunnies it must be Lopunnies! Or maybe Mijamaru....

  5. #5
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    This part has been deleted. Beeeeeppppp!
    Last edited by KyuremCraze; 31st July 2012 at 10:44 AM.
    Here's my my first fic, Exciting League Battles Hope you like it!

    Chapter XII (7) is up! Go have a little sneak peek!

    Next Time: Kyurem, Lord of Thunder and Fire!

    vs.

    Second Fic: Still in Construction (<THAT'S NOT THE TITLE!)

    Next Time: Prologue

    Lopunnies, Lopunnies it must be Lopunnies! Or maybe Mijamaru....

  6. #6
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    My biggest piece of advice for you is to find a proofreader. When I first started writing I had an author named JammyU read over my chapters and make necessary corrections before I went public with my chapters. As a result, I am a much better author. With all your grammatical errors, typos, and odd formatting I think you could greatly benefit from this.

    Furthermore, you need to work on progression. Starting a journey late in a trainer's career is a difficult endeavor because it's so hard to showcase all the events that led up to a league challenge. This is something you're really struggling with because I don't find it believable that Kay was an abusive, rough trainer. In your first chapter she seemed quite chipper and ready to battle. She didn't really seem like a slave driving trainer. You could really use some characterization work.

    Finally, I wish instead of sending her Pokemon through an obstacle course you would have had her actually train. This training element is always left out of stories and you went with a training method that doesn't really exist in any sort of Pokemon canon.

    In short, this fic is pretty raw. I'm not saying it couldn't be extremely good with the right amount of proofreading and care, but right now we have a very unbelievable protagonist who has obtained two legendary Pokemon and is teetering dangerously close to the whole "Mary-Sue" boundary. I'm going to keep reading because of the potential your story has.
    Click the Banner below to read my newest fan-fic, Titans of Kanto.


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  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jake76 View Post
    My biggest piece of advice for you is to find a proofreader. When I first started writing I had an author named JammyU read over my chapters and make necessary corrections before I went public with my chapters. As a result, I am a much better author. With all your grammatical errors, typos, and odd formatting I think you could greatly benefit from this.

    Furthermore, you need to work on progression. Starting a journey late in a trainer's career is a difficult endeavor because it's so hard to showcase all the events that led up to a league challenge. This is something you're really struggling with because I don't find it believable that Kay was an abusive, rough trainer. In your first chapter she seemed quite chipper and ready to battle. She didn't really seem like a slave driving trainer. You could really use some characterization work.

    Finally, I wish instead of sending her Pokemon through an obstacle course you would have had her actually train. This training element is always left out of stories and you went with a training method that doesn't really exist in any sort of Pokemon canon.

    In short, this fic is pretty raw. I'm not saying it couldn't be extremely good with the right amount of proofreading and care, but right now we have a very unbelievable protagonist who has obtained two legendary Pokemon and is teetering dangerously close to the whole "Mary-Sue" boundary. I'm going to keep reading because of the potential your story has.
    Sorry, I'm still new to writing like this, but I do like the fact your'e being straight to me. I had no idea what proofreading was, so thanks about giving me a heads-up. I've noticed myself that writing about a trainer so late in her journey is a challenge, which is what I wanted to have. Basiclly, It's people like you who are straight up with me that make my stories better. I'm not gonna put up chapter 2 'till get a proof reader.
    Here's my my first fic, Exciting League Battles Hope you like it!

    Chapter XII (7) is up! Go have a little sneak peek!

    Next Time: Kyurem, Lord of Thunder and Fire!

    vs.

    Second Fic: Still in Construction (<THAT'S NOT THE TITLE!)

    Next Time: Prologue

    Lopunnies, Lopunnies it must be Lopunnies! Or maybe Mijamaru....

  8. #8
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    Chapter 2: Do you have the Guts or the ability?

    Kay was standing at one side of the room. It was cylinder-shaped, with a battlefield stylized like half a Pokeball. Click! Zoom! A platform zoomed down, fitting in between the wall and half-Pokeball battlefield. Kay noticed that the platform was also part of the battlefield, and made the Pokeball complete.

    Meditating on the platform was a muscly man with dark skin and orange/yellowish hair. Kay knew it was Marshal. He had promised Kay a rematch after he ended their match to let Kay train.

    "I see that your back, young one.” Said Marshal calmly

    "Yeah" Kay said happily. "Your words made the bond between me and my Pokemon stronger. For that I thank you. But I'm still gonna crush you like a Bug-Type!"

    "Woohoo! That's the kinda spirit I'd hoped you had! Now let’s battle! Conkeldurr! Show them your strength!"

    "Conkel-DURRRR!" The masculine Pokemon cried as it emerged from its Pokeball. It had 2 concrete pillars, a big bulky body and a clown-like ruby red nose.

    "So it’s you first Conkeldurr! Well, Lampent will beat you for sure!" Kay said, as Lampent gracefully emerged from its Pokeball.

    "Will-o-Wisp" Kay said. She knew that by burning a Pokemon, its attack halves, and it was the only thing she could think of. Lampent breathed in, and when it exhaled, a marvellous scarlet flame shot at Conkeldurr.

    Marshal smiled as Conkeldurr was covered with ash. The ash ignited, but Conkeldurr glowed a brilliant gold.

    "Oh no!" Kay thought, as she accidently activated Conkedurr's Guts ability, which boosts attack if it has a status problem.

    "Conkeldurr! Stone Edge! WooooooooooooooHoooooooooooo!" Marshal excitedly bellowed. Kay noticed he'd become more loud and friendly. Jagged stones rose from the ground under Lampent and flew at him swiftly.

    "Protect!" Kay said, trying to bide time so she could make a plan, at that exact moment, Lampent formed a turquoise orb around itself.

    “What should I do?!Kay frantically thought. Could she just keep on getting Lampent to dodge and let the burn run its course? Or should she try a direct hit?

    "Keep going Conkeldurr! Finish it!" Marshal loudly stated. The jagged stones eventually ripped through the shield, badly hurting Lampent.

    "Uh-uh-uhhh…. I know! Psychic" Kay commanded. Lampent spun swiftly, creating a hurricane of distortion that hit Conkeldurr. The muscular Pokemon was flung in the air, and it smashed into a wall.

    "Now Payback" Marshall commanded. “Uh-uh-uhhh” Kay was horrified by the fact she couldn’t think of a counter-strike. All she could do was watch as Conkeldurr punched into Lampent while its arms were surrounded by a sickly purple aura.

    "Lampent's suffering, and it's my fault!" Kay thought to herself. A single tear fell from her cheek.

    "Conkeldurr keeps beating up your Fire-Types," Marshal shouted over to Kay. "It's like a hex."

    "Hex!" Kay thought. "Lampent! Hex!" She said. Lampent closed its eyes. Shadows started to attack the ash on Conkeldurr's body. They ignited again, and the flames reacted to Hex. To show this, they glowed a disgustingly evil purple.

    Conkeldurr dropped one of its pillars, resulting in a loss of balance and it falling over.

    "Conkeldurr! No! Can you still fight?" Marshal said, shocked. "Con..." It groaned. It stood up and gave Marshal a thumbs up.

    "Payback" grunted Marshal "Hex!" Kay cheered. The 2 moves collided making a purple smoke. When it cleared, Conkeldurr was down for the count.

    "You did a great job Conkeldurr!" shouted Kay. "You nearly bet Lampent!"

    “Nearly?” Marshal pointed out. “Look at him!” Lampent was lying on the ground, facing the ground.

    “Lampent?” Kay asked as she ran over to the Lamp Pokemon. “Are you OK?” Lampent nodded at Kay. “You did so awesome! I bet you’ll be the best Chandelure ever!” At this compliment from its trainer, Lampent smiled. “Now, return!”

    “Lucario!” both trainers shouted, as two humanoid, but fairly jackal-like Pokemon emerged from the Pokeball’s light.

    “Wooooohoooooo! Lucario use Aura Sphere!” Marshal excitedly bellowed. Kay knew that Aura Sphere couldn’t miss, as it senses the aura of the opponent.

    “Lucario! Blaze Kick!” Lucario lifted its leg up and started spinning around until its legs glowed with a crimson aura!”

    “Look at that mysterious Aura!” said Kay, admiring her Lucario’s fancy footwork.

    “ I wouldn’t do that, young one. You may activate Lucario’s Guts!” said Marshal.

    “Lucario can only have Steadfast, Inner Focus or Justified! Stop trying to mess with our mind!” Kay said. As she spoke, Lucario lunged foot first at Marshal’s Lucario, and as it did, its leg went on fire.
    “So you got past our little test! Well done! But now prepare to lose! Lucario keep charging that Aura Sphere!” A spark appeared between Lucario’s paws, which became a vortex like ball of energy.
    “Luuuuu-CAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Kay’s Lucario kicked Marshal’s Lucario square in the jaw, as it did, golden sparks flew everywhere!

    “Critical hit!” Squealed Kay happily.

    Then Kay saw what happened next. Marshal’s Lucario finished charging its Aura Sphere, and smashed it into Kay’s Lucario’s face!

    Kay’s Lucario became suddenly lost its calm and collected nature, madly taking out Marshal’s Lucario with thousands of punches in the form of Close Combat.

    “Huh! Lucario return!” Marshal said. “Medicham! Come out and use Retaliate!” the Yoga Pokemon emerged, and stomped its feet on the ground, with the dust that came popped.


    “Lucario! While it charges, use Swords Dance!” Lucario became surrounded by 7 golden swords. Lucario started to spin while glowing a silver-ish colour. The swords were absorbed into Lucario, boosting his attack tenfold.

    Medicham charged at Lucario, while it was surrounded by exploding dust. Medicham then slammed into Lucario, sending him flying.

    “Bullet Punch!” Cheered Kay, who started to think Lucario would faint anytime soon. Its fists became metallic, and while it punched at the air, giant metal fists smashed into Medicham.
    “Force Palm Medicham!” Medicham jumped on one metallic fist to the other while its palm became red.
    “Um-um-um…..” Murmured Kay, she knew that Force Palm got past all defences, except a few.
    Medicham slammed its palm into Lucario’s face, fainting it.

    “Lucario!” Kay caught the Aura Pokemon before it fell. “You did awesome, now return.” Lucario returned to its Pokeball.
    “Meloetta! Sing your melody of spirit and beat Medicham!” Meloetta’s body glowed and emitted a light as sound waves fought off Medicham.
    “That’s the legendary Relic Song!” Exclaimed Marshal.
    “Once the light cleared, Meloetta’s hair, eyes and gem became Auburn, while its dress became frayed.
    “Acrobatics” Kay cheered. Meloetta did acrobatic movements toward Medicham.
    Medicham got hit badly, but hung onto Meloetta and punched it with Thunderpunch.
    Medicham continued an onslaught of Thunderpunches at Meloetta.
    “Relic Song!” Said Kay. The light emerged again, but this time the sound waves put Medicham to sleep.
    “Acrobatics!” Kay cheered really loudly. Meloetta rushed at Medicham, kicked it swiftly in the face, and fainted Medicham.

    “Congratulations!” Marshal said to Kay.
    “Mr Marshal. I want to ask you something.” Kay said.
    “What?” asked Marshal curiously.

    What happens next! watch out for Chapter 4: Facing Evoloution!
    Here's my my first fic, Exciting League Battles Hope you like it!

    Chapter XII (7) is up! Go have a little sneak peek!

    Next Time: Kyurem, Lord of Thunder and Fire!

    vs.

    Second Fic: Still in Construction (<THAT'S NOT THE TITLE!)

    Next Time: Prologue

    Lopunnies, Lopunnies it must be Lopunnies! Or maybe Mijamaru....

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    Hey guys, While I'm writing Chapter 3, and while your waiting, I'm wondering what fanfic I'll do after this. So comment under this.

    Don't Say Bye, Mummy. (An emotional fanfiction. It'll have Pokemon, but just filling in for animals.

    V

    Pokemon: Genetic Heart Black/White (The sequel to this, But I need help deciding between Black/White Kyurem.)
    Here's my my first fic, Exciting League Battles Hope you like it!

    Chapter XII (7) is up! Go have a little sneak peek!

    Next Time: Kyurem, Lord of Thunder and Fire!

    vs.

    Second Fic: Still in Construction (<THAT'S NOT THE TITLE!)

    Next Time: Prologue

    Lopunnies, Lopunnies it must be Lopunnies! Or maybe Mijamaru....

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    Chapter 3: Evolving Strategies

    “What?” Marshal asked curiously, He wondered what had Kay wanted to ask him.

    “Well… Y-y-your one of the s-s-strongest trainers in Unova…So…” Kay muttered. She was really nervous about asking Marshal about this.

    “Please… tell me what you want to ask. I hate it when people hold back, words or personality.” Marshal coolly said.

    Kay was kicking around a pebble on the floor. She blew a strand of her golden-brown hair out her eyes. She was so nervous that sweat started to drip down her caramel coloured skin.

    “I-I-I want to be your student!” Kay blurted out. She covered her mouth as soon as she said it.

    “Why don’t we focus on your Elite 4 challenge first” Marshal said. “I’ll come with you and take notes, and tell you when you need to revise or rework things!”

    “Ummm-OK!” Kay said. She was quite nervous, as she thought the Elite 4 member would make her revise her whole team and strategy.

    “Let’s go then! Let’s not waste any time getting to the champion’s room!” Marshal perkily said to Kay to encourage her.

    Kay and Marshal walked through the ruin-like building, not stopping until they reached a double door. It had diamonds, pearls and platinum ore encrusted onto it. One was had gold heart imprints, while the other was silver with soul imprints. The top sides of the Heart Gold door was lined with black, while the Soul Silver one was lined with white.

    The duo walked through the doors. A ruin-like battlefield stood proudly before it, with polished pillars and a flashing floor. At the other side, there stood a pretty young lady. She had elegant blonde hair.

    “My name’s Caitlin, Katherine Ruinfield.” The lady, who couldn’t have been older than 25, said as if she was in a trance.

    “H-how do you know my name!” Kay shouted out without thinking.

    “My psychic powers let me know many things about people around me. You are 13 from Mistralton City. You are the seventh child of Lillian, 43 and Ross, 44. You are also older sister to 10-year old triplets, Called Pour, Sear and Sage and also Iris, 12. Your older siblings in order of age are, Jayden, 25, Lilly Jr., 23, Cara, 21, Tara, 19, Zara, 19, Jimmy, 18 and Alexandrina, 15.” Caitlin coldly replied.

    “W-w-wow!” Kay said. This young lady, Caitlin, knew everything about her nearest and dearest. Can Caitlin read her mind in battle to find out her strategies and then counter them?!

    “Don’t worry, Katherine, I’ll never read minds in a battle, it takes the fun away.” Caitlin replied, as she had read the young trainer’s mind again.

    “Thanks, and I would also prefer you to call me Kay.” Kay replied

    “O-Kay! See what I did there! I said O-Kay, as in your name Kay!” Caitlin joked.

    “She might have the driest sense of humour in town, but Caitlin’s been a Frontier Brain in Sinnoh and Johto! So don’t under-estimate her!” said Marshal.

    Caitlin stared at Marshal. Kay couldn’t figure out if Caitlin was

    A. Admiring Marshal,

    B. Thinking of a compliment to give back.

    C. Telepathically trying to make Marshal’s head burst for calling her humour dry.

    D. All of the above.

    “Well then! Let’s not waste any time Kay!” Caitlin shouted. “My dazzling Duosion. Battle to your limit.”

    “Lampent ignite the flame of victory!” Kay summoned her Lampent, which was a lamp-like Pokemon

    “That’s a good one! Can I use it for sending out my dazzling Darmanitan sometime?” Caitlin asked.

    “Umm-ummm of course! Now Lampent! Toxic!” Kay replied, just as Lampent conjured up poisonous arrows that stabbed themselves into Duosion.

    “Duosion! Fight back with Shadow Ball” Caitlin said regally. Reuniclus formed a shadowy blob in its hands, and launched it at Lampent.

    “Lllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!” Lampent squealed as Shadow Ball hit.

    “Now Duosion! Thunder Wave!” Electricity crackled between Duosion’s hands, and a wave of it launched itself at Lampent.

    “Lampent! Avoid it quick!” Kay desperately commanded at Lampent.

    Lampent instead used Hex, sending shadows to the arrows stuck to the thick, blue material that shielded Duosion’s body. Badly hurting it.

    At this moment, Kay noticed two things. Duosion was shiny, and also since Duosion hasn’t been damaged by poison yet, which means it must have the Magic Guard ability.

    “Duosion, Rock and Rollout!” Duosion rolled and rolled, becoming covered with stones. It then smashed into Lampent, who in turn smashed into Caitlin.

    The dark stone on Caitlin’s necklace started to glow, and so did Lampent. Soon, the stone was absorbed into Lampent as the Lamp Pokemon glowed and started to shift shape.

    “Chandelu-Chandelu-Chandelure!” The creature proclaimed as it emerged from the light Lampent disappeared in.

    “You evolved Lampent! Or should I say, Chandelure!” Kay happily cheered.

    “Two things! GETTHISFRIGGINTHINGOFFMENOW and Two can play at that game!” Caitlin said. “The Eviolite’s not that useful anyway Duosion! So it’s Evolving time!”

    As Chandelure floated back to Kay, Duosion was enveloped in a soft light, With a Reuniclus emerging from it.

    The creature had its arms and ears separated from the rest of the body, and its own blue gooey substance was much thicker than Duosion’s. The poison arrows from Lampent’s Toxic remained
    though.

    “Reuniclus! Psychic!” Caitlin demanded. The Multiplying Pokemon spun and spun, making waves of Psychic energy that smashed into Chandelure.

    “F-f-finish this Chandelure! Hex!” Kay cheered.

    “Shadow Ball, my regal Reuniclus!” Caitlin demanded.

    The two Ghost-moves exploded after making contact, making an evil-looking haze. When it cleared, Both Pokemon had fainted.

    “You did well Chandelure, so rest. It’s playtime Lilligant!” Kay said, half happy, half sad.

    “Now! My great Gallade!” Caitlin said.

    She had this him since it was a Ralts, about the same time her father agreed to turn a part of their regal palace into the Battle Castle. She’d often play with the butler’s son, who was a two years older than her. Back then, her psychic powers would go rampant if she lost a battle, so the butler’s son, Darach had to raise it for her.

    Darach and his Piplup always felt like family. Darach knew that Caitlin would be mad if a random person became her home’s Frontier Brain, so using his Piplup, Houndour and Caitlin’s Ralts, flew up to the rank of Frontier Brain. In time the Pokemon evolved and the two friends grew into teens. Caitlin started to develop a crush on Darach.
    3 Years ago, Darach helped her control her temper, and by extension, the control of her power.

    She then left to do what she always wanted. Travel. She took only Gallade and a Beldum she befriended. Soon, she bet all the Gym Leaders and Elite 4 in Unova. She challenged champion Alder, but Volcarona, his final Pokemon, knocked all of her Pokemon out. Alder made her a member of the Elite 4 .making E4 Marlon lose his job. She knew that he held a grudge against her.

    A year after that, a man called Natural Harmonia Gropius defeated her in battle, and was soon defeated by a very strong trainer and their rival, Cheren, who is now the Aspertia City Gym Leader.
    Team Plasma’s castle slammed into the League, breaking Victory Road In the process. The tough trainer from before versed Natural, or simply N, by using the legendary dragon Pokemon of Unova. Caitlin knew no more.

    Anyway, back to the battle.

    “Gallade! Leaf Blade!” Caitlin commanded to her Gallade. “Ga-ga!” the Blade Pokemon screamed. Its arms glowed green, and leaves sprouted all over them. It smashed these blades into Lilligant, who didn’t seem fazed at all.

    “L-L-Lilligant, please use Quiver Dance.” Kay asked her Lilligant, as she knew it was very picky and it tried to kill anybody that wasn’t discreet to it, well not literally.

    Lilligant grew glowing butterfly wings, and it did a lap around the field.

    “Night Slash my great Gallade!” Caitlin asked her Gallade. Gallade’s arms glowed purple as it slashed into Lilligant. Or rather, tried to. Lilligant smoothly dodged.

    “Petal Dance Lilligant darling!” Kay cheered. Lilligant sent a flurry of petals at Gallade.

    Gallade was badly damaged, but its instincts kicked in and its arms glowed ivory. It then slashed Lilligant in an X formation. Kay recognised that move as X-scissor, a powerful Bug-Type move.

    “Lilligant use Petal Dance!” The aspiring trainer shouted. Kay’s Lilligant unleashed a flurry of petals at Gallade.

    Gallade hanged tough, but it was visibly injured. “Gallade, Psycho Cut” Caitlin said, visibly worried over Gallade’s welfare.

    Gallade arms became pink, and it threw psychic waves at Lilligant. It picked up a speck of dust, and it went on to Lilligant’s dress like body.

    “Oh boy! Lilligant’s went crazy!” Kay said, Lilligant kicked, punched and head-butted Gallade until it fainted.

    “I’m sorry Caitlin! Lilligant’s quite the hormone-crazed bit--- Little Lady.” Kay said.

    “It’s fine,” Caitlin said. “My Max Revive will become useful later.”

    “No, it’s not. Lilligant shouldn’t have done that. BAD GIRL!” said Kay. Lilligant kicked a pebble on the ground.

    “Now! My magnificent Musharna, battle valiantly.” Caitlin said. Her blonde hair started to rustle as the force of Musharna’s emergence.

    “Hidden Power, please.” Caitlin said. Little wisps of fire emerged from Musharna, and they were surrounded by white orbs. The orbs launched at Lilligant, fainting it.

    “Lilligant! Return. You’re up Weavile!” Kay said, as she returned Lilligant and replaced it with a dark weasel Pokemon.

    “W-w-weavile! Night Slash!” Kay nervously said. Caitlin seemed to be radiating confidence. She could also tell that Musharna was very powerful.

    Weavile charged at Musharna full force, slashing into it with sickly purple claws.

    “Musharna! Rock Slide please, my darling!” Musharna generated rocks through thin air, and they fell onto Weavile.

    “Ummm-umm-um.” Kay thought. She couldn’t think of a strategy. “Night Slash again I guess?”

    Weavile repeated the move. “Charge Beam Musharna!” Caitlin asked Musharna. The Dream Mist emerging from Musharna’s head turned into electricity, which shot into Weavile. The remaining electricity was absorbed by Musharna, boosting its power.

    “Ice Punch, Weavile!” Kay asked her Weavile. The weasel Pokemon’s fists were surrounded by a frosty mist. Weavile punched into Musharna. It hit Musharna into a wall.

    “Chargestone Rush!” Caitlin exclaimed.

    “W-W-W-W-T-T-T-F-F Is that!” Kay said, shocked at this move Caitlin randomly said.

    “It’s a combo between Rock Slide and Charge Beam! It’s very powerful, so brace yourself Weavile!” Marshal said to the young girl and her Pokemon.

    Rocks started to fly at Weavile, and Musharna used Charge Beam to back them up. Kay realised something.

    “Dodge, Weavile!” said Kay.

    Weavile moved out the way.

    *Caitlin gasps*”Nearly no one can dodge that!” Caitlin screamed.

    “Maybe using more power will make it faster?” Kay recommended.

    “Of course!” Caitlin exclaimed. “Charge Beam with more power, Musharna!”

    Good news and Bad news. Good News, Charge Beam’s power destroyed the rocks.

    Bad News: Charge Beam had fainted Weavile, as Musharna had been powered up by the machine.

    “Huuuh!” All three trainers exclaimed. the egg Kay carried in her bag was hatching!


    Wow! Over 300 views! I know it's not much, but I didn't know this much people would watch!

    What will the egg hatch into? Who'll win the battle? Find out in Chapter 4: Menace Metagross!
    Last edited by KyuremCraze; 8th July 2012 at 6:59 PM.
    Here's my my first fic, Exciting League Battles Hope you like it!

    Chapter XII (7) is up! Go have a little sneak peek!

    Next Time: Kyurem, Lord of Thunder and Fire!

    vs.

    Second Fic: Still in Construction (<THAT'S NOT THE TITLE!)

    Next Time: Prologue

    Lopunnies, Lopunnies it must be Lopunnies! Or maybe Mijamaru....

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    This chapter's very good! I like the characterisation of Caitlin.

    A few things: wouldn't Kay realise Duosion was shiny from the get go? There are the sparkles, after all.

    Secondly, the sudden evolution of Lampent might be a bit of a 'deus ex machina' - something great and lucky that happens to a character with no build up. You could have mentioned the Dusk Stone Caitlin wore beforehand, in other words.

    It's a bit random to slip into a flashback with no warning, especially in the middle of a battle. It's a bit distracting - you might want to think about that one.

    Finally, one of Kay's sisters is... Iris? I'm really hoping you don't mean THAT Iris, as legendary Pokemon + powerful trainer + sibling of plot important character = possible Mary Sue. =/ If she is, try to at least show a proper relationship and don't just make her Iris' sister for the sake of it. (Plus, brothers named after MONKEYS? I really hope her parents are either a) weird, or b) running out of names for their swarm of kids).

    Overall, a big improvement! Good luck in your future writing. =)
    Last edited by Chibi_Muffin; 9th July 2012 at 4:54 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Chibi_Muffin View Post
    This chapter's very good! I like the characterisation of Caitlin.

    A few things: wouldn't Kay realise Duosion was shiny from the get go? There are the sparkles, after all.

    Secondly, the sudden evolution of Lampent might be a bit of a 'deus ex machina' - something great and lucky that happens to a character with no build up. You could have mentioned the Dusk Stone Caitlin wore beforehand, in other words.

    It's a bit random to slip into a flashback with no warning, especially in the middle of a battle. It's a bit distracting - you might want to think about that one.

    Finally, one of Kay's sisters is... Iris? I'm really hoping you don't mean THAT Iris, as legendary Pokemon + powerful trainer + sibling of plot important character = possible Mary Sue. =/ If she is, try to at least show a proper relationship and don't just make her Iris' sister for the sake of it. (Plus, brothers named after MONKEYS? I really hope her parents are either a) weird, or b) running out of names for their swarm of kids).

    Overall, a big improvement! Good luck in your future writing. =)
    Thanks, and yup, that it's that Iris. I'm gonna show a proper relationship there. I'm not gonna show the rest of the family 'till the sequel to this *Opps! spoilers!* as for the triplets I only named them after monkeys because there "Cheeky Monkeys" and that's their main pokemon. Yup, her parents are weird, but her brother Jayden's hair's weirder. Look at my DeviantART to see the art, i've only got Kay's and the E4s one, and Iris is a friggin hell to put in! Kay didn't notice the Dusk Stone or Shiny Duosion 'cuzz she was so nervous at fighting and nervous about Marshal examining her battle style. It's a living hell trieng to not cross the Mary Sue border, but hey, at least I'm trying.
    Here's my my first fic, Exciting League Battles Hope you like it!

    Chapter XII (7) is up! Go have a little sneak peek!

    Next Time: Kyurem, Lord of Thunder and Fire!

    vs.

    Second Fic: Still in Construction (<THAT'S NOT THE TITLE!)

    Next Time: Prologue

    Lopunnies, Lopunnies it must be Lopunnies! Or maybe Mijamaru....

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    Ah, okay. Just warning you to be extra careful with the whole siblings thing.

    It doesn't matter if Kay didn't notice it, it still needs to be included in the description. Even something like 'Duosion entered in a shower of stars' and 'Caitlin had a variety of stones on her necklace' would work.

    Again, I was after in story reasons for the brothers being named after monkeys. But, as you confirmed, if her parents are a little kooky, then it's reasonable.

    One more thing - you made a typo. When Duosion uses Shadow Ball, you called it Reuniclus.

    If you're really concerned on the Mary Sue thing, as mentioned before, try to maybe find a Beta reader, or ask a question in the Author's Cafe. The people there may have specific ideas on how to help you.

    Who cares about cookies? Come to the Light Side, we have CUPCAKES!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Chibi_Muffin View Post
    Ah, okay. Just warning you to be extra careful with the whole siblings thing.

    It doesn't matter if Kay didn't notice it, it still needs to be included in the description. Even something like 'Duosion entered in a shower of stars' and 'Caitlin had a variety of stones on her necklace' would work.

    Again, I was after in story reasons for the brothers being named after monkeys. But, as you confirmed, if her parents are a little kooky, then it's reasonable.

    One more thing - you made a typo. When Duosion uses Shadow Ball, you called it Reuniclus.

    If you're really concerned on the Mary Sue thing, as mentioned before, try to maybe find a Beta reader, or ask a question in the Author's Cafe. The people there may have specific ideas on how to help you.
    Tried to get a Beta Reader, didn't work, you know anyone who'd happily help though?.The Reuniclus using Shadow ball was writen before I heavily edited it, as the rough outline of it was actually worse than Chapters 0 and 1 *Shivers* In the rough outline, Duosion was already a Reuniclus. (Arceus knows why I changed it, as it ends up as a Reuniclus anyway.) The "brother" I listed as Pour's actually a sister, as they aren't identical. The two boys are nearly identical.
    Here's my my first fic, Exciting League Battles Hope you like it!

    Chapter XII (7) is up! Go have a little sneak peek!

    Next Time: Kyurem, Lord of Thunder and Fire!

    vs.

    Second Fic: Still in Construction (<THAT'S NOT THE TITLE!)

    Next Time: Prologue

    Lopunnies, Lopunnies it must be Lopunnies! Or maybe Mijamaru....

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    Sorry for it being really late, but I couldn't get enough time to get on, 'cuzz I was busy preparing for my Auntie Claire's wedding. It's over now, so here it is!





    Chapter 4: Menace Metagross

    “A-Chhhhhhhhoooooooooooooo!” The Pokemon that hatched from the egg sneezed.

    “Awww… It’s so adorable!” Kay and Caitlin squealed in sympathy.
    “It’s so cute! It’s a Regigigas!” Kay said.

    “No! It can’t be!” Caitlin said in a regal manner. “Regigigas is a legend and large, and that little thingy is not that large.”

    “Cle-fafa!” the pink-star shape Pokemon cheered.

    “If it isn’t Regigigas, then I’ll just have to use my Pokedex.” Kay coldly replied.

    The Pokedex started to blabber like usually does. “Cleffa, the star-shape Pokemon. On Mondays nights they dance on a certain mountain in Kanto with their evolutions, Clefairy and Clefable. It’s
    widely believed that this cute little Pokemon is not of this world.”

    “Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-faaaaa” the little creature started to sing at the mention of its name.

    “Cleffa, would you like to learn how to battle?” Kay asked Cleffa.

    “Faaa!” Cleffa nodded.

    Caitlin had turned around and started to daze into space.

    “Caitlin? We’re still battling! Remember.” Kay shouted over to Caitlin.

    “Of course! Send out your Pokemon!” Caitlin said.

    “Umm-ummm-umm-Arcanine!” Kay said. She had no idea on how to bring Musharna down.

    When Arcanine emerged from its Pokeball, It intimidated Musharna.

    “Woohoo! Arcanine, follow up your ability with Fire Blast!” As Kay spoke, a star-shape blast of fire smacked into Musharna, burning it.

    Caitlin started a grin. The "WooHoo" in the girl's sentence reminded her of Marshal.

    “Musharna use your Rock Slide!” Caitlin said.

    Rocks appeared over Arcanine. Due to Intimidate the rocks were very small, almost pebbles.

    “Huuh! Musharna, use Stored Power!” Caitlin said, shocked. Yellow lights surrounded Musharna and then it exhaled red energy. The red energy smashed Arcanine to a wall, but otherwise it did very little.

    “Arcanine! Time to go wild!” Kay commanded. The static electricity in Arcanine’s fur multiplied quickly. Soon the loyal Pokemon was surrounded by electricity, and then it slammed into Musharna.

    “Muuuuu------sssshhhhhhhaaaaaaaa!” Musharna oinked as it fainted.

    “Now my Goth-y gothic Gothitelle! Please show them your powers!” Caitlin said.

    A gothic Pokemon emerged from a quick ball and as it emerged stars magically appeared.

    “Wow… To make that much stars appear from Gothitelle’s powers must mean Caitlin’s a great trainer.” Marshal stated.

    Caitlin blushed. “Now use Psychic Gothitelle!” Caitlin commanded.

    The stars Gothitelle summoned distorted, making a beautiful scene. It didn’t last long though, as the distortion hit Arcanine hard.

    “Arcanine! Use Solarbeam!” Arcanine shot a beam of light from its mouth, resulting in Gothitelle losing balance.

    As Gothitelle struggled to get up, Caitlin started to speak.

    “Gothitelle! Shadow Ball.” Caitlin shouted. Gothitelle managed to get up and It then touched all the bow-like feelers on its body. A shadowy blob hovered over the gothic Pokemon. The attack then launched itself at Arcanine.

    “Arrrr!” The loyal Pokemon screamed, badly hurt by Shadow Ball.

    “Arcanine, finish it off with Fire Blast!” Kay demanded. A brilliant star shape flame slammed into Gothitelle. Gothitelle was covered with the same kind of ash that Marshal’s Conkeldurr did, meaning it was burned.

    Caitlin giggled. “Gothitelle! Finish it off with Façade!” Caitlin demanded. She had a confident look on her face.

    “Wait a minute! Gothitelle’s Façade will be doubled in power ‘cuzz of the burn!” Kay thought. “But if it gets close enough…”Gothitelle slammed into Arcanine with deadly force, but Kay saw it as an opportunity.

    "Now Fire Blast!" Kay shouted. Up-close the attack was powerful enough to faint Gothitelle.

    "You did well Gothitelle, let Alakazam take your place. As Caitlin returned her Gothitelle, she summoned her Alakazam.

    “Alakazam! Use Psychic attack!” Caitlin commanded. Kay could hear nervousness in her voice.

    Alakazam whisked up a hurricane of distortion so powerful, that Cleffa was caught up in it and was launched into an abyss that Kay swore wasn’t there a second before.

    “Cllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeefffffffffffffaaaaaaaaaaaaa a!” Kay screamed in horror. Thoughts of her losing the newly hatched Cleffa made her shed a few tears.

    “Darn the way the room moves!” Caitlin exclaimed.

    “W-wh-what do you mean?” Kay said, now heavily crying.

    “The friction between me and my psychic Pokemon’s powers sometimes cause the room to change. I always keep it under control battles though! How did it happen!” Caitlin said, full of guilt.

    “Archeops! Catch that Cleffa!” A voice very familiar to Kay shouted. As it did, Kay started to regain hope and she stopped crying.

    The colourful, prehistoric bird lunged down the abyss. When it flied back up, it carried a small star-like Pokemon on its back.

    Kay was so joyful that Cleffa was safe. She then turned around, to see a girl dressed like a princess. She knew it was the champion, but to Kay she was important for another reason.




    Meanwhile, two men where sitting beside eachother. They where standing up in a ship's engine room.

    "Uggghh! Darn that meddling champion!" Bellowed one man. "I thought thought you distracted her by blowing up Route 10 and half of the interior of Victory Mountian, Jayden!"

    He had greying green hair, and one of his eyes was covered with a mechanical eyepatch. His robes were as black. His staff was glowing menacingly.

    "I'm so sorry I failed. Lord Ghetsis! But it seems that meddling old man, Drayden got the Opelucid City council workers faster than we hoped." The younger man said. Except for spiky purple hair he had the same features as Kay, and by extension, The Champion.

    "Well, making your sister distract the champion with her grieving doesn't work, but it doen't really matter...we'll find another way to distract her." The man called Ghetsis grunted.

    "S--s-sir, what about all the people, I mean all the Gym Leaders and Champions from Kanto, Johto, Hoenn and Sinnoh are coming!" The man called Jayden said.

    "They'll be distracted by the world tournament, and then The Unova Leaders will follow 10 days later." Ghetsis explained.

    "Why do you want my sis.... The Champion to be distracted?" Jayden replied.

    "With all the Gym Leaders, Foreign Gym Leaders and Foreign Champions distracted, Iris is the only one strong enough to defeat project R.E.M " Ghestis said.

    Project R.E.M was directly under them, seperated only by a grated floor. It had a grey body and yellow eyes. Some parts of it's body was covered with ice. It was uncounciouss, as they had just caught it.

    At that moment, a man in a lab coat ran in. He had blonde hair, with a large strand started at one part and curled around the back of his head. The weirdest part is that it was blue.

    "My lord!" He said. His voice sounded like he was crazy. "We've nearly finished the D.N.A Link Pin!" he screamed, gasping for air.

    "Good, Dr. Colress!" Ghetsis grinned.

    "Colress, you will be able to study the power of any pokemon, anywhere!" the man called Colress started a small, erretic grin.

    "Jayden, you'll get revenge on that putrid Cobalion!" Jayden looked mesmerized at the idea of revenge.

    "I will be able to have the world.MAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!" Ghetsis sai, his mad laughter filled the room.
    Last edited by KyuremCraze; 18th July 2012 at 5:11 PM.
    Here's my my first fic, Exciting League Battles Hope you like it!

    Chapter XII (7) is up! Go have a little sneak peek!

    Next Time: Kyurem, Lord of Thunder and Fire!

    vs.

    Second Fic: Still in Construction (<THAT'S NOT THE TITLE!)

    Next Time: Prologue

    Lopunnies, Lopunnies it must be Lopunnies! Or maybe Mijamaru....

  16. #16
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    Deleted due to requests and also the series this story advertises is getting a complete overhaul before I publish it after ELB's done.
    Last edited by KyuremCraze; 1st August 2012 at 10:43 AM.
    Here's my my first fic, Exciting League Battles Hope you like it!

    Chapter XII (7) is up! Go have a little sneak peek!

    Next Time: Kyurem, Lord of Thunder and Fire!

    vs.

    Second Fic: Still in Construction (<THAT'S NOT THE TITLE!)

    Next Time: Prologue

    Lopunnies, Lopunnies it must be Lopunnies! Or maybe Mijamaru....

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    Hey! So this is my edit of your fanfic. Hope it helps!
    Quote Originally Posted by KyuremCraze View Post
    She pondered about what could happen. Will she emmit victouriosly, or will she suffer a crushing defeat.
    You could probably pull out the first sentence out. Or, better yet, you could say something along the lines of this: She thought, "At the end of the day, I could be a Champion, or fail miserably."

    "Emmit" isn't actually a word, but emit is. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/emit Your use of emit doesn't fit any of the definitions. You are probably looking for emerge, because that would fit instead of emit. Also, "victouriosly" is really spelled as victoriously.

    Don't forget that interrogative sentences, or sentences that ask a question, should end with a question mark. So the second sentence needs a question mark.

    Quote Originally Posted by KyuremCraze View Post
    Only time could tell. She then looked around at the 10 pokemon surrounding her.
    ...
    She was choosing the 6 to use in her battles.
    ...
    They've been with her since day 1.
    ...
    She Needed A Pokemon To Go Up Against Caitlin's Psychic pokemon, and Marshall's Fighting pokemon.
    ...
    That Was 4 pokemon chosen.
    ...
    The 10 there wern't her only pokemon.
    ...
    Kay's Team At The Moment (Has all 10 with her, but only uses 6 at a time.)
    When you have a number lower then 100, you should write it out as a word.
    So say ten, six, and one, instead of 10, 6, and 1.

    Remember, only capitalize the first word in a sentence and proper nouns.

    Quote Originally Posted by KyuremCraze View Post
    She was against using meleotta or Cobalion.
    Meloetta should be capitalized.

    Quote Originally Posted by KyuremCraze View Post
    But Meloetta's Begs won her over.
    ...
    She Eventually Got Sneasel and Crobat out the PC. It Was Time To Get Going.
    Remember the rules about capitalization.

    Quote Originally Posted by KyuremCraze View Post
    Kay's Team At The Moment (Has all 10 with her, but only uses 6 at a time.)
    Don't forget capitalization rules. Also, uncapitalize (says to any onlookers, "roll with it" :P) the "has" in the start of the parentheses. Take the period and put it outside of the parentheses.

    You should either show the pokemon while Kay is battling, or introduce them by there stories. Whatever you do, don't put them in a list.
    Remember, telling is better then listing, and showing is better then telling.

    Good luck!

    |Pokemon Parodies|Newest Parody:"The Dog Who is Staying"|

        Spoiler:

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    Ummm.... All that information was before the complete overhaul... (A.K.A using Microsoft Word to write instead of making it up as I go along.) But I do apppreciate the fact you bothered to write! Thanks for the good luck!
    Here's my my first fic, Exciting League Battles Hope you like it!

    Chapter XII (7) is up! Go have a little sneak peek!

    Next Time: Kyurem, Lord of Thunder and Fire!

    vs.

    Second Fic: Still in Construction (<THAT'S NOT THE TITLE!)

    Next Time: Prologue

    Lopunnies, Lopunnies it must be Lopunnies! Or maybe Mijamaru....

  19. #19
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    Chapter 5: Metagross and More!

    “Iris!” Kay shouted, running at her sister at full force, knocking the Unova Champion over.

    “Kay! It’s been so long.” Iris said, overjoyed at seeing his sister.

    “You leave home to study under leader Drayden, and then you turn out as the Champion!” Kay squealed.

    “Cle-fa!” The star-shape Pokemon cried as it ran over to its saviour and before either trainer noticed, Cleffa clambered onto Archeops and the Prehistoric Bird Pokemon spread its wings.

    “Arch! Archeops!” the bird cried out as it flew across the room carrying its “adoptive sibling” on its back.

    “Kay, I’d re-e-e-e-e-a-a-a-a-a-a-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y love it if we met at a more convenient time, but you’re in the middle of a battle!” Iris half-heartedly said. She’d hope that she
    would’ve met her sister while she had all the time in the world. However, her sibling was in mid-battle.

    “That’s it Caitlin! With my Champion sis watching, I won’t lose!” Kay said heartedly.

    “Now that’s the spirit!” Caitlin shouted, ditching her sleepy look for a more determined one. “Alakazam, use Psyshock!”

    “Arcanine, it’s Fire Blast time!” Kay said. With her sister here, her concentration increased a lot.

    Alakazam unleashed blue particles of light from its spoon. The particles then came in contact with the flames Arcanine had exhaled. It created something similar to a mushroom cloud of colours.

    Once the multi-coloured gas dispersed, Arcanine was swirly-eyed on the floor.

    “Arcanine, are you ok!” Kay ran over to her Arcanine.

    “Arrr-Canine” it grunted as it tried to lift its head off the ground.

    “You did great! Rest up. Now Cobalion, be victorious!” Kay shouted. Soon her Arcanine was replaced with the cobalt-blue goat-like Pokemon.

    “Wow!” Caitlin said, shocked at the new addition to this battle.

    Kay knew everyone here, even Iris, was stunned at the sight of this Steel and Fighting-type legend.

    Marshal ran up to Cobalion and started investigating it in every part of its body, making Cobalion a tad uncomfortable, well not a tad…

    Marshal noticed what he was doing, stood up properly and grinned. “I’m sorry,” He said (Kay didn’t know if she was talking to him or the legendary goat.) “I just can’t help myself when I see a rare Fighting type, especially a legend like you!” (Unless Kay turned blue and grew horns, he was talking to Cobalion.)

    “Ugggghhhh!” Caitlin sighed.

    “Okay, folks no more distractions, or Caitlin here’s gonna throw a hissy fit.” Marshal mockingly said.

    Caitlin stared at Marshal. Kay thought she was judging how good Marshal’s head would be hanging over her fireplace.

    “Alright Cobalion, use Sacred Sword!” Kay said. From the middle of Cobalion’s head, a brilliant blue sword-shaped energy emerged.

    Cobalion then lunged at Alakazam, and delivered a swift slash. Despite having a type resistance to fighting, Alakazam’s weak defence made the move hit quite hard.

    “Now, use Disable!” Caitlin shouted. Alakazam made sickly purple static between its two spoons, and then Cobalion was surrounded by this “disabling lightning”.

    “If you can’t use Sacred Sword, then use Stone Edge!” Kay said. She was going to win this battle!

    A ring of stones popped out from the ground and circled around Alakazam. The stones then started to get closer and closer Alakazam. The circle went smaller and smaller.

    “Alakazam! Use Teleport!” Caitlin shouted.

    Alakazam started to glow, and star-shaped lights exploded near Alakazam.

    “Speed it up!” Kay said to Cobalion, frantically.

    The stones would’ve done lots of damage if Alakazam didn’t disappear in a cloud of smoke.

    “Now, Disable!” Caitlin shouted.

    Alakazam popped up a few feet in front of Cobalion.

    “We can use our own electricity, thank you! Now, Volt Switch Cobalion!” Kay eagerly said. She had to win this!

    Cobalion’s horns glowed a fierce gold colour. Its body then crackled with static. At that point, a ball of electricity grew between Cobalion’s horns.

    The ball of electricity flew at Alakazam, doing a good amount of damage. Cobalion’s Pokeball then dissolved it into a yellow light. The light was then sealed in the Pokeball.

    “Now, come on out...Waah!” Before Kay could finish her sentence, she tripped over her feet and Emboar emerged from its Pokeball.

    “R-Raboar!” Emboar’s fiery beard flared.

    “Hah! That stumble could cause you the match! Now Alakazam, use Psychic!” Caitlin boasted.

    As the beam of distortion known as Psychic neared Emboar, the Mega Fire Pig Pokemon glowed a pinkish colour. Her body was surrounded with flames, and then she charged at Alakazam.

    Kay knew that Emboar’s Life Orb had activated, but she had mixed emotions. It would power-up any attack, though using it with Flare Blitz would end up with heavy recoil damage.

    As the flame covered Emboar fainted Alakazam, Kay looked at her Pokedex. Marshal looked over to her and saw that she had a surprised look on her face.

    “What’s the matter Kay-girl?” Marshal asked.

    “Emboar’s attacks have all changed! Fire Punch to Flare Blitz, Thunderpunch to Wild Charge, Stone Edge to Head Smash and Hammer Arm to Superpower!” Kay exclaimed.

    “That is quite weird…” Caitlin said. Her lip quivered as if she was holding in something.

    “But not as weird as Shauntal!” Both Elite 4 members laughed out.

    Iris, Archeops, Cleffa and Kay just stared at them.

    Bang! Bang! A noise was coming from outside.

    “W-what’s that?!” Kay cowered, and she hid behind her sister.

    Iris stared at her, and Kay pretended to recover her confidence.

    “I’ll go check it out!” Marshal bellowed.

    “Well, let’s continue battling then !” Caitlin blurted her eyes full of excitement. Kay realised that she wasn’t the only one trying to impress Iris. “My marvellous, monstrous, Mary-Sue Metagross, come out and teach them a lesson!”

    The Iron Leg Pokemon came out its Pokeball. It was looking at Emboar, sizing her up.

    “Now Emboar, use Superpower!” Kay shouted. This was the last thing standing between her and victory.

    Emboar’s muscles bulged, and it thrown a punch at Metagross. Even though it badly hurt Metagross, Emboar was wide-eyed. She was shaking her fingers in pain.

    “Now Metagross, use your Zen Headbutt!” Caitlin shouted, eager to win.

    Metagross’ head was surrounded by a blue aura, and it launched itself at Emboar.

    Zen Headbutt’s secondary effect kicked in, making Emboar look like she was away to poop herself. That made Kay wander. Was there a toilet in a Pokeball? Did they do it when you don’t look?

    Emboar’s cries of pain took Kay back to reality.

    “Now Emboar, I know you hurt but put all your power into a final Flare Blitz!!!!” Kay desperately commanded her Emboar to use a last ditch attack.

    Fire circled Emboar, it glowed Pink, signalling her Life Orb activated. Its fiery beard then grew, enveloping her whole body. Blaze had activated as well! That was a sign that the attack was already eating away at her HP.

    The circling flames surrounded Emboar, and she then charged at Metagross. The flames circled both Pokemon. The collision made a horrible screeching noise, and an explosion of dust blocked both trainers’ sights.

    “Woah!” Iris exclaimed. Never in her life had she seen such a powerful attack.

    The dust cleared, revealing a fainted… Emboar?! Metagross was still standing! Well, barely.

    “Emboar that has got to be the strongest attack on earth! Now return, you did sooooooo good!” Kay said to her partner, the Pokemon she trusted most.

    “Cobalion, this match is yours to end!” Kay screamed.

    “Coba-Cobalion!” The Iron Will Pokemon cried. He was determined to win this for Kay.

    “Now Metagross, use Earthquake!” Caitlin commanded.

    The ground shook, and even though the floor was made of unbreakable glass, pieces of destroyed earth were sent into the air.

    “Now Cobalion, jump on those pieces of earth!” Kay commanded.

    Cobalion struggled to jump because of all the shaking, but it managed to jump on the pieces of earth, then he lunged at Metagross, catching onto what his master wanted him to do.

    A sword-like beam of light emerged from his forehead, and he slashed it into Metagross.

    “Now Cobalion, wrap it up with an ultimate combo!”

    Pointed stones surrounded Cobalion, pointing outwards. Electricity covered its body, and then its body was surrounded by a steely aura. As the electricity multiplied, a golden Sacred Sword emerged from its head, and finally, the aura turned that same gold.

    Caitlin and Iris were amazed at this beautiful attack, and as it smashed into Metagross, golden shards of the Sacred Sword turned to dust and made the scene glitter.

    Metagross lied down, fainted.

    “W-w-way to go Cobalion!” Kay said, and Caitlin clapped. Iris looked very impressed.

    Kay’s victory was ruined when Marshal and his Conkeldurr burst in.

    “You guys have to see what’s out there!” He exclaimed, visibly panicked.

    “Cobalion sniffed the air, and its eyes widened. What were those two here for!



    Meanwhile in Castelia Harbour...

    “Lord Ghetsis, lowering the temperature in Mistralton Cave and Pinwheel Forest was successful!” Jayden said to his superior. “What! They were only to show people not to get comfy even with our old unit gone! Even that failed!” Ghetsis snapped.

    “No! It drove the legends there to find each other, and Terrakion and Virizion are attacking the Pokemon League because Cobalion’s there with my sis… That trainer!” Jayden gasped.

    “But I thought Terrakion lived interior Victory Mountain, Victory Road?” Colress insisted. He was so quiet that Jayden forgot he was in Ghetsis’ office.

    “We destroyed his den, so he probably went looking for Cobalion. He probably couldn’t find him, but then he took refuge in Mistralton Cave!” Jayden s******ed to Colress.

    “Well, of course Terrakion went out! He’s weak to Ice, and we used project R.E.M’s power to make those places cold!” Ghetsis snapped.

    “Don’t forget about Virizion, Lord Ghetsis, She' s also weak to Ice!” Colress boasted.

    “Yes, and if we catch them all, we can manipulate the Colt to do what we want!” Jayden also boasted.

    At that moment, a small horse-like Pokemon cried in its cage.

    “Oh shut up!” Ghetsis screamed at it.

    “Kellllllll-Deeeoooo!” It cried as it unleashed a powerful stream of water at Ghetsis’ face.

    “Hydreigon, teach our guest manors!” Ghetsis cried as he summoned the three-headed brutal dragon.

    It shot a beam of electricity at Keldeo, making the little pony faint.

    “I like your idea, boy.” Ghetsis said to Jayden.

    Ghetsis picked up a walkie-talkie. He started to speak into it.

    “My trio of shadows! Tell the workers to steer the ship to the Pokemon league.”

    Ghetsis, Hydreigon and the two important underlings then walked to the engine room.

    At that moment, wires lashed out at project R.E.M. The project started to unleash ultra-cool air, and icicles started to form in the corners of the room.

    “Darn that Pokemon, while we thought he was having a nap, he was using Rest!” Ghetsis snapped.

    “Hydreigon! Show Kyurem who’s boss!” Ghetsis said. “Well you use yours to Jayden! And Colress, use Klinklang!”
    “Go Hydreigon!” “Go Klinklang!” Both Team Plasma admins shouted. The beam of light which form Jayden’s Hydreigon and Colress’ Klinklang went through the grates, while Ghetsis’ Hydreigon went through the one grate that was big enough for it.


    Watch out for Chapter 6: Cobalion and Keldeo vs. Virizion and Terrakion vs. Kyurem and Genesect!
    Here's my my first fic, Exciting League Battles Hope you like it!

    Chapter XII (7) is up! Go have a little sneak peek!

    Next Time: Kyurem, Lord of Thunder and Fire!

    vs.

    Second Fic: Still in Construction (<THAT'S NOT THE TITLE!)

    Next Time: Prologue

    Lopunnies, Lopunnies it must be Lopunnies! Or maybe Mijamaru....

  20. #20
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    From now on Kay's taking a break from fighting the Elite 4 and fighting something much bigger.... Team Plasma!
    Last edited by KyuremCraze; 1st August 2012 at 10:46 AM.
    Here's my my first fic, Exciting League Battles Hope you like it!

    Chapter XII (7) is up! Go have a little sneak peek!

    Next Time: Kyurem, Lord of Thunder and Fire!

    vs.

    Second Fic: Still in Construction (<THAT'S NOT THE TITLE!)

    Next Time: Prologue

    Lopunnies, Lopunnies it must be Lopunnies! Or maybe Mijamaru....

  21. #21
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    The whole story is great! It sounds so real! ^_^ If you were going to ask, I'm writing 9 Pokemon Stories right now.

    But anyway I can't wait for the next part!

    Quote Originally Posted by Savanny
    This place is deader than my pets I have buried in the backyard...

  22. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ducklett12 View Post
    The whole story is great! It sounds so real! ^_^ If you were going to ask, I'm writing 9 Pokemon Stories right now.

    But anyway I can't wait for the next part!
    Thanks! I was trying to make it realistic. Nine stories? Ninetales avatar.... Coincedence or on purpose?

    Oh, and to chibi_muffin, I'm thinking of deleting that personality thing, 'cuzz now that I look back.... That stuff just makes it look like I'm lazy.....
    Here's my my first fic, Exciting League Battles Hope you like it!

    Chapter XII (7) is up! Go have a little sneak peek!

    Next Time: Kyurem, Lord of Thunder and Fire!

    vs.

    Second Fic: Still in Construction (<THAT'S NOT THE TITLE!)

    Next Time: Prologue

    Lopunnies, Lopunnies it must be Lopunnies! Or maybe Mijamaru....

  23. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by KyuremCraze View Post
    Thanks! I was trying to make it realistic. Nine stories? Ninetales avatar.... Coincedence or on purpose?

    Oh, and to chibi_muffin, I'm thinking of deleting that personality thing, 'cuzz now that I look back.... That stuff just makes it look like I'm lazy.....
    LOL XD THAT'S a TOTAL COINCIDENCE!!! XD (Not to get off topic but...) Would you like me to PM you the details of my stories? I'd really like you to see it ^_^

    Quote Originally Posted by Savanny
    This place is deader than my pets I have buried in the backyard...

  24. #24
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    It sounds interesting, but you have a bad habit of dictating your information to us: first a list of Kay and her Pokemon, secondly all of her Pokemon and the characters' personalities, and now the entire plot of the sequel. There is a rule in writing, it is called 'show, don't tell'. If you just tell everyone what characters there are and what something is like, the story seems dull. Instead, make it clear, but not obvious. For example, instead of saying that a character is kind, you could show them in different scenes petting their Pokemon and acting as if they are best pals. Instead of listing all the Pokemon, you could include them gradually in many scenes after one group shot.

    Take the obstacle course, for example. You just said that the Pokemon went through an obstacle course. What you could have done is have one Pokemon go through the course, and then describe each obstacle, how hard it is and how they go through it. It is longer, but much more engaging and it also makes the reader know a lot more (like what that Pokemon's strengths are, and what the course is meant to do). Many of the lists you have written right now aren't even part of the story - it's just a glut of information related to it. Think of your lists as a behind the scenes book to a film - it's nice to have a bit of background info, but including all the info in the book makes the film look dull by comparison, because why couldn't they include this in the film anyway?

    Besides, I don't like what you have done with the sequel. It's now possible to know practically everything that happens now in the sequel, down to which characters appear. Someone might read that, know what happens and say that they don't want to actually read the fanfic. You're losing out. I'd consider changing it to a short summary of the first few chapters or so, to avoid heavy spoilers.

    Your writing has definitely improved, but this is an issue you really must sort out soon.

    Who cares about cookies? Come to the Light Side, we have CUPCAKES!

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  25. #25
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    Of course!!! I love a good read!
    Here's my my first fic, Exciting League Battles Hope you like it!

    Chapter XII (7) is up! Go have a little sneak peek!

    Next Time: Kyurem, Lord of Thunder and Fire!

    vs.

    Second Fic: Still in Construction (<THAT'S NOT THE TITLE!)

    Next Time: Prologue

    Lopunnies, Lopunnies it must be Lopunnies! Or maybe Mijamaru....

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