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Thread: Through the Thunder and the Lightning

  1. #51
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    This is funny, witty and very... um... teenage!
    Please add me. To the PM list that is.
    They say if you press cntrl and W you get to see the programming of a website after making a signature with 3 ws and 8qs
    Fanfics I like that are still in production: Author's Run, Pokémon emerald the better version

    This the aquabats song awesome forces:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dx4sL0w3SHM
    and here is their song shark fighter: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3wchrctxFo

    I NEED A BETA READER!
    Check out my fic.
    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...2#post14945242

  2. #52
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    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall View Post
    Another great chapter. Aside from the move names being said a lot, nothing else seemed to be remotely wrong.
    Thanks
    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall View Post
    The battle was great, well paced, the the scene with the Reviver Seed was dramatic, because I completely forgot they even had one.
    And then the cliffhanger at the end.
    I had intended on using it. Why did you think I had them buy it?
    And dat cliffhanger. I love doing cliffhangers, can't you tell?
    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall View Post
    Azurus, you couldn't have worded that reply better.
    EDIT: Rank Up!
    It was a good reply. And rank up? in my fic? Eh, the Spiritomb thing was an actual quest. Otherwise, they would be able to escape with their badges.

    Quote Originally Posted by Rotomknight View Post
    This is funny, witty and very... um... teenage!
    Please add me. To the PM list that is.
    They are teenagers after. And so am I. So yeah. And sure, I'll add you.
    ~Author's Profile ||~|| <Fly High Graphics> ~
    ~rTTL: Chapter 3: 31% ||~|~|~|| rAVT : Chapter 2: 0%~



  3. #53
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    I am also a teenager with CF. THINK ABOUT IT!!!!!!
    They say if you press cntrl and W you get to see the programming of a website after making a signature with 3 ws and 8qs
    Fanfics I like that are still in production: Author's Run, Pokémon emerald the better version

    This the aquabats song awesome forces:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dx4sL0w3SHM
    and here is their song shark fighter: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3wchrctxFo

    I NEED A BETA READER!
    Check out my fic.
    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...2#post14945242

  4. #54
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    Sorry about calling you a jerk, that was uncalled for, given I misread what you wrote in a different tone of voice.

    Anyway, about the chapter: Spiritomb battle? Pretty good. Although like other people have said, I kinda felt like too many attack names were used, but it doesn't really matter since you already made an epic sounding battle with twists and turns and a surprise ending :0
    † I am a Christian and proud of it! Copy and paste this if you are too.†


    Credit goes to FairyWitch at Flower Paradise Graphics

    Fanfic Status: Currently postponed-- Kingdom Hearts: Memories' Reflection. Last updated 8/17/13

  5. #55
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    Quick review to start things off. I might come back to the rest later, but we'll see.

    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post
    A storm is brewing high above Lacunosa Town. The storm came largely out of no where, and even though it was before nightfall, most everyone was inside.
    A few things to note concerning grammar here.

    1. You switch from present tense ("is brewing") to past ("came largely"). Be careful about tense changes like that. Choose one tense and make sure you stick with it throughout your scene so as to be consistent and avoid creating awkward moments.

    2. Nowhere is one word.

    3. I would suggest changing "most" to "almost." The reason why is because "most everyone" is slang. Think about it. You can't literally divide everyone and still have it be everyone. That's what you're doing when you say "most everyone." You're saying that it's not everyone; it's just a piece of everyone, like you have an everyone-flavored pie and are taking slices out of it. Almost everyone, meanwhile, refers to the idea that it's not everyone as well, but because "almost" is an adverb (not a possible adjective like "most" is), it's clearer that you mean an amount, not a section of a group. You're saying that it's nearly but not quite everyone, not that you're taking everyone and splitting them up.

    …Or for a clearer explanation, there's this essay.

    A boy, sixteen years of age, was strolling back to his house, after a visit to the local library.
    There's a lot of commas here, and as a result, this sentence has a very jerky, abrupt feel. Imagine every comma as a separate pause and read the sentence aloud. Do you notice that it seems like you're pausing a little too frequently?

    To solve this, all you need to do is take out the unnecessary comma: the one before "after." The reason why this one in particular is unnecessary is because you simply don't use commas before most prepositional phrases (this one included). They're attached to the main body – the main clause – of the sentence because they still add meaning to the main idea. The only time you'll want to add in a comma to separate a prepositional phrase is if it's also functioning as a parenthetical – a phrase that can be taken out of the sentence without changing the meaning of the main clause.

    He kept his notepad under his coat to keep it from getting water damage should it rain.
    There's a lot of repetition in your language as well. In this example, you use the word "keep" or a variation of it twice. The effect is subtle, but it basically causes the sentence to sound as if it's dry – as if it's repeating itself unnecessarily. Whenever possible, you'll want to avoid using the same word more than once in a sentence to avoid that redundant air. In this case, you could use "held his notepad under his coat to keep it" or even "kept his notepad under his coat to prevent it." Those are only two suggestions, too. Try using different combinations of words to find the kind of effect you're trying to achieve.

    His over-protective mother kept him from going on a journey, though he wishes he could.
    Tense-switching again.

    Also, to comment on the story a bit (finally), I feel like this could be expanded upon. See, the thing is that so far – and as I'm skimming through the rest as well – I notice that there's not much in the way of character establishment for this guy. Yes, yes, I know. It's the prologue, but the thing is, you nearly start establishing something to connect to here, but you don't really follow through with it. It would be great if we knew what his reaction to being denied a journey was (beyond just wishing for it, of course). Did he develop rebellious feelings (that may or may not be his reason for being out when a storm's brewing)? Is he depressed now? Is he constantly bored? Does he wish with every step he takes at this point that something would whisk him away to some strange land? None of these questions are answered; instead, the story just talks about his father, the trainer in Opelucid City.

    Speaking of which, there's a whole separate set of questions about that. If his father is a trainer in Opelucid City, for example, does this mean he's rarely home? How does this affect Shane? Is our protagonist pissed off about the fact that his mother won't let him be a trainer for some reason despite the fact that she married one? Is he pissed off at his father for not convincing his mother to let him become a trainer?

    Does he even matter in the long-run? That's probably the biggest question. You spend a paragraph establishing both the mother and the father's backgrounds, and you pay particularly close attention to the father's. Yet, we're not really given any indication whatsoever that this is going to be important information later on (especially because, given that this is a PMD fic, the main character will probably not remember any of this anyway).

    Here's a little secret when it comes to storytelling: never include details that won't contribute to a story later. If it's not important for us to know, it's fat, and it needs to be trimmed off so that the story sticks to the point. Otherwise, the reader will be left wondering either: A) if that detail will actually be important, which will lead to disappointment when it doesn't or B) why they just wasted time reading over a paragraph that has no bearing on the rest of the story.

    So with that said, because it's the beginning of your story, I would recommend finding a way to talk about the character himself, not his parents. You're still free to talk about his background and life at home, but it needs to say something about the character that will transition over to his life as a Pokémon in the rest of the story. For example, don't bring up his overprotective (yes, it's not hyphenated, by the way) mother unless you also say that this had some effect on his personality. (Hence the questions about whether or not he became rebellious and so forth.) That way, the details are still relevant, but it's clear how they're being relevant and add to the story by creating a character we can connect to.

    That's the other and last thing I'll bring up. We get so little about this character himself that we just can't connect to him. This doesn't mean that we can't relate to him or whatnot. It means that we can't get a bead on his personality – even a tiny inkling – so it's difficult to tell whether or not he'll be likable or if we should even care about him. Yes, it's the prologue, but the thing is, even in the very first installment of a fic, you should be establishing your character. After all, the first installment is the hook that reels readers into your fic, so the last thing you want is a stagnant character who doesn't even show a shred of personality. That's unfortunately what's going on here: all your protagonist is doing is walking down a street. He nearly gets hit by lightning, but most of the chapter is just talking about circumstances around him. You talk about his parents, not him, and you talk about the legendaries debating whether or not he's the one, still not him. So technically, you don't have him do anything, and you don't really even talk about him. He's just… there. So it's hard to connect to him because it just looks like he's flat.


    Well, that is because there was someone,
    Tense switching again. I would also suggest dropping the "well" at the beginning of the sentence. Starting a sentence that way is very casual and conversational, but that doesn't match the tone you're using in this chapter (which seems to be serious, with a narrator who's not necessarily Lemony. (Warning: Tropes link, but hey.)

    a large black monster
    I would suggest putting a comma between "large" and "black." The reason why is because you're using adjectives to describe the same thing: the way an object looks physically. So separating the adjectives makes it clear that you mean it's large and black, not that you're saying the color is large (or that it's a large black dragon in the same way you can have a large black coffee).

    One was gray and light blue with golden eyes, the other was a light cobalt and silver color.
    This is actually a comma splice. Try this trick: replace the comma with a period. How many complete sentences do you get? If your answer is "two," then we're on the same page. See, a comma can't be used to separate two complete thoughts (i.e., complete ideas that can stand on their own as sentences that make sense grammatically). It needs a conjunction – and, but, or, for, nor, yet, so – in order to separate the two ideas. Alternatively, you could use a semicolon, but honestly, semicolons tend to confuse even experienced writers. So I'd say stick with comma-conjunction combinations unless you've memorized the rules for semicolons first.

    The black one was speaking to his partners, and was obviously the one in charge of the other two.
    This, meanwhile, is not a compound sentence. Try the period trick again, but replace both the comma and conjunction with it. Notice how you don't get two separate sentences as a result? That's your cue that the comma shouldn't be in the sentence because it's not functioning as anything. (The comma in a compound sentence functions as a replacement period; the conjunction, meanwhile, signals that the two ideas are going to be tied together. That's why you need a comma and a conjunction between two complete thoughts, but you can't really use a comma and conjunction between one independent clause and one dependent.)

    “And you’re sure that this is the boy? I don’t want any mistakes.” He growled.
    Is "he growled" describing the way the quote is being said? If so, then it's a dialogue tag, and you should drop the period after "mistakes" in favor of a comma and replace the capital in "he growled" with a lowercase H. If not, then I'd suggest rewording it so that it's clear it's not a dialogue tag.

    “Oi! Just get rid of him already! I’m tired of just watching him!” The light blue one exclaimed impatiently.
    You punctuate and capitalize the dialogue tag of the line before this one correctly, so I feel like this is just a sign that you'll want to proofread a bit more carefully. In any case, if you notice the word "exclaimed," you'll see that what this bit is doing is describing how the quote is being said: it's telling us who said the quote and what tone they were using. As such, it needs to be punctuated and capitalized (or not capitalized) as if it was a dialogue tag. That means the "the" before "light" needs to be lowercase. You can still keep the exclamation point, however; I'm just saying that an exclamation point (or question mark, for that matter) doesn't mean that the tag should start off with a capital letter.

    To put it in a non-confusing manner, let's put it this way. If the bit of writing outside of the quotation marks is actually describing how everything inside the quote is being said, it doesn't matter whether or not that quote ends with a question mark, an exclamation point, or what-have-you. It's still a tag, and it should still be treated the same way as you would if you put a comma in front of it.

    “I’m really sorry about this, but I cannot have my plans messed with by a mere child”
    You're missing a mark of punctuation here. I can't quite tell if I should suggest an exclamation point or a period. It really depends on whether or not Zekrom is being particularly excited here. Personally, I think it'd be cooler if he was unnervingly calm as he released his attack, but that's just me.

    He just vanished.
    Maybe end this one with an exclamation point too? It seems just a touch out-of-place, considering the amount of excitement the rest of the quote has.

    Miles below, on the ground, where the boy once stood, was nothing.
    You actually already establish this with the conversation between the legendaries. So it feels like you end the prologue on a repetitive note.


    Anyway, to be fair, it's not bad for a first fic. It feels like your biggest issue is proofreading, but that can be fixed with practice or the liberal application of a beta reader. Note: There is no shame in getting a beta reader. Professional writers work with editors and book doctors all the time, and the best writers in the fandom have betas of their own. In fact, I'd honestly highly recommend getting one because I guarantee that no matter how hard you proofread by yourself, you won't catch everything, in part thanks to writer's bias. (Writer's bias = every writer thinks their work is better or worse than it actually is, and this affects their ability to proofread.) It takes another set of objective eyes to work out all the kinks.

    However, what might help is letting your work cool after you write it. Each time you finish a chapter, do not proofread it right then. Instead, wait twenty-four hours and then go tackle it again, preferably by reading it aloud. The twenty-four hours gives you time to separate a little from your work. You'll still have writer's bias, but you'll be closer to seeing things from the audience's perspective. As for reading things aloud, this forces you to slow down in your proofreading, which allows you to pick out errors more frequently. That and, as others have implied, it allows you to listen to the exact words you've written to figure out whether or not they're repetitive, awkward, or outright missing words.

    It should be noted that this method can't replace working with a beta. You still should, just because writer's bias will still keep you from seeing issues in your work before you post it. Also, yes, even if this is a fanfic community, you should still work hard to remove all those issues before posting to allow your story to be more enjoyable to your readers. (Fewer errors = fewer distractions.)

    In terms of storyline, I'll be frank. Every decent story starts out with mystery of some kind; it's the depth of the mystery that matters. There's two main issues here. First off, as I've said, it's difficult to connect to the protagonist. He's not really doing anything but walking along. We don't get any kinds of vibes from him in terms of personality, and even if this is a prologue, we should be getting something. It's a bad thing if we get to the end of the prologue and can't tell the basics about a character. (Is he nice? Is he not nice? Is he a slacker? Is he apathetic about everything? Is he good? Is he evil?) He doesn't show us any sort of reaction or emotion whatsoever. (He's walking around outside when everyone else is inside. But is he doing this out of rebelliousness? Boredom? Depression? What's the expression on his face right now? What's he thinking about?) All we get about him are details about his parents and the fact that he's going to be interfering with legendaries. That's… pretty much it. So we end the first chapter with absolutely nothing about the main character, which means he feels a bit flat and robotic. As in, we can't really anticipate a reaction from him when he crosses over to the Pokémon world because we can't entirely tell what he thinks of his life right now.

    Meanwhile, there's the other part of the chapter: the plot. Because this is a prologue, I don't want to touch too much on it right now. After all, there's hundreds of different ways that this can go down. However, I will say that god-like beings attempting to kill mortals (or otherwise hating them) because they'll interfere with plans is sort of a generic idea. The concept is pretty much older than television outside of this fandom, and inside, it's not exactly new either. So while this is a prologue and while anything can happen from here on out, I hesitate a little about saying this is a new way to bring intrigue and mysteriousness into your story. On the other hand, like I said, you can take this any number of ways from here.

    Overall, it's not a terrible beginning, and it's not a bad first fanfic. It's just that, to put it nicely, it looks like you've got room for improvement. However, it also looks like you have the potential to improve if you're careful about it.

    Also, as a side note, even if you didn't mean to be jerkish to your reviewers, it's terrible publicity (not to mention manners) to be sarcastic to one for any reason on any writing community. It makes you come off as arrogant, regardless of how you actually meant it, and not that many people respect an arrogant writer. Those are the ones that get passed off as Suethors who can't take concrit. Not saying that you are. Just saying that you'll always want to be careful about what you say to the people giving you feedback.

    REBOOT: Chapter fifteen now available. | Original: Chapter thirty-one now available.

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  6. #56
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    Quote Originally Posted by JX Valentine View Post
    Quick review to start things off. I might come back to the rest later, but we'll see.
    You call that quick? I'd love to see along review from you! But seriously, thanks for this!


    Quote Originally Posted by JX Valentine View Post
    1. You switch from present tense ("is brewing") to past ("came largely"). Be careful about tense changes like that. Choose one tense and make sure you stick with it throughout your scene so as to be consistent and avoid creating awkward moments.

    2. Nowhere is one word.

    3. I would suggest changing "most" to "almost." The reason why is because "most everyone" is slang. Think about it. You can't literally divide everyone and still have it be everyone. That's what you're doing when you say "most everyone." You're saying that it's not everyone; it's just a piece of everyone, like you have an everyone-flavored pie and are taking slices out of it. Almost everyone, meanwhile, refers to the idea that it's not everyone as well, but because "almost" is an adverb (not a possible adjective like "most" is), it's clearer that you mean an amount, not a section of a group. You're saying that it's nearly but not quite everyone, not that you're taking everyone and splitting them up.

    …Or for a clearer explanation, there's this essay.
    Wow. I did not know that thing about the 'most' and the 'almost'. Thanks, it helped. And the tense-switching was merely a mistake.

    Quote Originally Posted by JX Valentine View Post
    There's a lot of commas here, and as a result, this sentence has a very jerky, abrupt feel. Imagine every comma as a separate pause and read the sentence aloud. Do you notice that it seems like you're pausing a little too frequently?

    To solve this, all you need to do is take out the unnecessary comma: the one before "after." The reason why this one in particular is unnecessary is because you simply don't use commas before most prepositional phrases (this one included). They're attached to the main body – the main clause – of the sentence because they still add meaning to the main idea. The only time you'll want to add in a comma to separate a prepositional phrase is if it's also functioning as a parenthetical – a phrase that can be taken out of the sentence without changing the meaning of the main clause.
    I suck at commas...

    Quote Originally Posted by JX Valentine View Post
    There's a lot of repetition in your language as well. In this example, you use the word "keep" or a variation of it twice. The effect is subtle, but it basically causes the sentence to sound as if it's dry – as if it's repeating itself unnecessarily. Whenever possible, you'll want to avoid using the same word more than once in a sentence to avoid that redundant air. In this case, you could use "held his notepad under his coat to keep it" or even "kept his notepad under his coat to prevent it." Those are only two suggestions, too. Try using different combinations of words to find the kind of effect you're trying to achieve.
    Dang, there was one there too? I end up doing that a lot in my writing, but my read through catches them all. At least it did in later chapters :/


    Quote Originally Posted by JX Valentine View Post
    Tense-switching again.
    Oops. Fixed

    Quote Originally Posted by JX Valentine View Post
    Also, to comment on the story a bit (finally), I feel like this could be expanded upon. See, the thing is that so far – and as I'm skimming through the rest as well – I notice that there's not much in the way of character establishment for this guy. Yes, yes, I know. It's the prologue, but the thing is, you nearly start establishing something to connect to here, but you don't really follow through with it. It would be great if we knew what his reaction to being denied a journey was (beyond just wishing for it, of course). Did he develop rebellious feelings (that may or may not be his reason for being out when a storm's brewing)? Is he depressed now? Is he constantly bored? Does he wish with every step he takes at this point that something would whisk him away to some strange land? None of these questions are answered; instead, the story just talks about his father, the trainer in Opelucid City.

    Speaking of which, there's a whole separate set of questions about that. If his father is a trainer in Opelucid City, for example, does this mean he's rarely home? How does this affect Shane? Is our protagonist pissed off about the fact that his mother won't let him be a trainer for some reason despite the fact that she married one? Is he pissed off at his father for not convincing his mother to let him become a trainer?

    Does he even matter in the long-run? That's probably the biggest question. You spend a paragraph establishing both the mother and the father's backgrounds, and you pay particularly close attention to the father's. Yet, we're not really given any indication whatsoever that this is going to be important information later on (especially because, given that this is a PMD fic, the main character will probably not remember any of this anyway).

    Here's a little secret when it comes to storytelling: never include details that won't contribute to a story later. If it's not important for us to know, it's fat, and it needs to be trimmed off so that the story sticks to the point. Otherwise, the reader will be left wondering either: A) if that detail will actually be important, which will lead to disappointment when it doesn't or B) why they just wasted time reading over a paragraph that has no bearing on the rest of the story.

    So with that said, because it's the beginning of your story, I would recommend finding a way to talk about the character himself, not his parents. You're still free to talk about his background and life at home, but it needs to say something about the character that will transition over to his life as a Pokémon in the rest of the story. For example, don't bring up his overprotective (yes, it's not hyphenated, by the way) mother unless you also say that this had some effect on his personality. (Hence the questions about whether or not he became rebellious and so forth.) That way, the details are still relevant, but it's clear how they're being relevant and add to the story by creating a character we can connect to.

    That's the other and last thing I'll bring up. We get so little about this character himself that we just can't connect to him. This doesn't mean that we can't relate to him or whatnot. It means that we can't get a bead on his personality – even a tiny inkling – so it's difficult to tell whether or not he'll be likable or if we should even care about him. Yes, it's the prologue, but the thing is, even in the very first installment of a fic, you should be establishing your character. After all, the first installment is the hook that reels readers into your fic, so the last thing you want is a stagnant character who doesn't even show a shred of personality. That's unfortunately what's going on here: all your protagonist is doing is walking down a street. He nearly gets hit by lightning, but most of the chapter is just talking about circumstances around him. You talk about his parents, not him, and you talk about the legendaries debating whether or not he's the one, still not him. So technically, you don't have him do anything, and you don't really even talk about him. He's just… there. So it's hard to connect to him because it just looks like he's flat.
    See, I was just so bent on this one idea that you could learn about the main character, nearly as he does. Because in all PMD games, the main character wakes up with a name, and thats it. They have no recollection of anything at all. So, I felt much of that was unnecessary. Though if you want to get really technical, the entire Prologue unneeded! Chapter One starts in a similar manner as PMD and PMD 2 starts, and so the Prologue, in all honest, was completely extra. But I didn't want to get into the Protagonist all that much since it isn't what I meant to have as the focus. I wanted him to look as pointless as possible, but I don't much like stories about fantastic people doing fantastic things. I seem to bend more towards normal people, due to circumstance, doing amazing things.



    Quote Originally Posted by JX Valentine View Post
    Tense switching again. I would also suggest dropping the "well" at the beginning of the sentence. Starting a sentence that way is very casual and conversational, but that doesn't match the tone you're using in this chapter (which seems to be serious, with a narrator who's not necessarily Lemony. (Warning: Tropes link, but hey.)
    Well gosh darn it. Didn't know the prologue was had that this many times. Fixed.


    Quote Originally Posted by JX Valentine View Post
    I would suggest putting a comma between "large" and "black." The reason why is because you're using adjectives to describe the same thing: the way an object looks physically. So separating the adjectives makes it clear that you mean it's large and black, not that you're saying the color is large (or that it's a large black dragon in the same way you can have a large black coffee).
    My nemesis the comma strikes again.

    Quote Originally Posted by JX Valentine View Post
    This is actually a comma splice. Try this trick: replace the comma with a period. How many complete sentences do you get? If your answer is "two," then we're on the same page. See, a comma can't be used to separate two complete thoughts (i.e., complete ideas that can stand on their own as sentences that make sense grammatically). It needs a conjunction – and, but, or, for, nor, yet, so – in order to separate the two ideas. Alternatively, you could use a semicolon, but honestly, semicolons tend to confuse even experienced writers. So I'd say stick with comma-conjunction combinations unless you've memorized the rules for semicolons first.
    And again.


    Quote Originally Posted by JX Valentine View Post
    This, meanwhile, is not a compound sentence. Try the period trick again, but replace both the comma and conjunction with it. Notice how you don't get two separate sentences as a result? That's your cue that the comma shouldn't be in the sentence because it's not functioning as anything. (The comma in a compound sentence functions as a replacement period; the conjunction, meanwhile, signals that the two ideas are going to be tied together. That's why you need a comma and a conjunction between two complete thoughts, but you can't really use a comma and conjunction between one independent clause and one dependent.)
    Need I repeat myself? Darn commas...*kicks a can across the street*


    Quote Originally Posted by JX Valentine View Post
    Is "he growled" describing the way the quote is being said? If so, then it's a dialogue tag, and you should drop the period after "mistakes" in favor of a comma and replace the capital in "he growled" with a lowercase H. If not, then I'd suggest rewording it so that it's clear it's not a dialogue tag.
    Fixed.


    Quote Originally Posted by JX Valentine View Post
    You punctuate and capitalize the dialogue tag of the line before this one correctly, so I feel like this is just a sign that you'll want to proofread a bit more carefully. In any case, if you notice the word "exclaimed," you'll see that what this bit is doing is describing how the quote is being said: it's telling us who said the quote and what tone they were using. As such, it needs to be punctuated and capitalized (or not capitalized) as if it was a dialogue tag. That means the "the" before "light" needs to be lowercase. You can still keep the exclamation point, however; I'm just saying that an exclamation point (or question mark, for that matter) doesn't mean that the tag should start off with a capital letter.

    To put it in a non-confusing manner, let's put it this way. If the bit of writing outside of the quotation marks is actually describing how everything inside the quote is being said, it doesn't matter whether or not that quote ends with a question mark, an exclamation point, or what-have-you. It's still a tag, and it should still be treated the same way as you would if you put a comma in front of it.
    I know why its needed, I just didnt catch it. Fixed.


    Quote Originally Posted by JX Valentine View Post
    You're missing a mark of punctuation here. I can't quite tell if I should suggest an exclamation point or a period. It really depends on whether or not Zekrom is being particularly excited here. Personally, I think it'd be cooler if he was unnervingly calm as he released his attack, but that's just me.
    Corrected.


    Quote Originally Posted by JX Valentine View Post
    Maybe end this one with an exclamation point too? It seems just a touch out-of-place, considering the amount of excitement the rest of the quote has.
    Ya, that might be a good idea.


    Quote Originally Posted by JX Valentine View Post
    You actually already establish this with the conversation between the legendaries. So it feels like you end the prologue on a repetitive note.
    I was going for dramatic repetition. Apparently that didnt work. I took one out.

    Quote Originally Posted by JX Valentine View Post
    Anyway, to be fair, it's not bad for a first fic. It feels like your biggest issue is proofreading, but that can be fixed with practice or the liberal application of a beta reader. Note: There is no shame in getting a beta reader. Professional writers work with editors and book doctors all the time, and the best writers in the fandom have betas of their own. In fact, I'd honestly highly recommend getting one because I guarantee that no matter how hard you proofread by yourself, you won't catch everything, in part thanks to writer's bias. (Writer's bias = every writer thinks their work is better or worse than it actually is, and this affects their ability to proofread.) It takes another set of objective eyes to work out all the kinks.
    Hrm. I never actually thought about it. I guess I could use one, huh?

    Quote Originally Posted by JX Valentine View Post
    However, what might help is letting your work cool after you write it. Each time you finish a chapter, do not proofread it right then. Instead, wait twenty-four hours and then go tackle it again, preferably by reading it aloud. The twenty-four hours gives you time to separate a little from your work. You'll still have writer's bias, but you'll be closer to seeing things from the audience's perspective. As for reading things aloud, this forces you to slow down in your proofreading, which allows you to pick out errors more frequently. That and, as others have implied, it allows you to listen to the exact words you've written to figure out whether or not they're repetitive, awkward, or outright missing words.
    That was something I didn't know. I've never had too much trouble about it, seeing as I never thought very highly about anything I do, except maybe my art. I brag about that quite a bit. But when it comes to writing, I don't, because I've seen stories that are better myself. And I try to read aloud nearly all my chapters. When I don't, its only because my current situation prevents me to do so.

    Quote Originally Posted by JX Valentine View Post
    In terms of storyline, I'll be frank. Every decent story starts out with mystery of some kind; it's the depth of the mystery that matters. There's two main issues here. First off, as I've said, it's difficult to connect to the protagonist. He's not really doing anything but walking along. We don't get any kinds of vibes from him in terms of personality, and even if this is a prologue, we should be getting something. It's a bad thing if we get to the end of the prologue and can't tell the basics about a character. (Is he nice? Is he not nice? Is he a slacker? Is he apathetic about everything? Is he good? Is he evil?) He doesn't show us any sort of reaction or emotion whatsoever. (He's walking around outside when everyone else is inside. But is he doing this out of rebelliousness? Boredom? Depression? What's the expression on his face right now? What's he thinking about?) All we get about him are details about his parents and the fact that he's going to be interfering with legendaries. That's… pretty much it. So we end the first chapter with absolutely nothing about the main character, which means he feels a bit flat and robotic. As in, we can't really anticipate a reaction from him when he crosses over to the Pokémon world because we can't entirely tell what he thinks of his life right now.
    I had always intended to have Ch. 1 be the the start of the character descriptions. See, I wanted the audience to learn who he is at the same time he himself does. Unfortunately, this leaves my story with a bit of a delayed narrative hook, but I had hoped the confrontation with the legendaries would keep people reading.

    Quote Originally Posted by JX Valentine View Post
    Meanwhile, there's the other part of the chapter: the plot. Because this is a prologue, I don't want to touch too much on it right now. After all, there's hundreds of different ways that this can go down. However, I will say that god-like beings attempting to kill mortals (or otherwise hating them) because they'll interfere with plans is sort of a generic idea. The concept is pretty much older than television outside of this fandom, and inside, it's not exactly new either. So while this is a prologue and while anything can happen from here on out, I hesitate a little about saying this is a new way to bring intrigue and mysteriousness into your story. On the other hand, like I said, you can take this any number of ways from here.
    I had three options here. Use PMD 1's plot beginning and have him put as a Pokemon to save the world. Use PMD 2's plot and have him put into a pokemon as an accidental side effect of Darkrai trying to be rid of his foes before they're actually a problem. Or, make my own. Failing to come up with something for Option 3 that didn't sound cliche or half retard, I went with Option 4. I mixed the reasons of PMD and PMD2. It made a slightly generic plot, but I was going to take it in a generic direction, as you will all see for the end (which isn't completely set in stone, but I know how i want to finish it. But I'm going to try to make the story as interesting as possible along the way. I put action, mystery, romance, humor...and hopefully all in the right place.

    Quote Originally Posted by JX Valentine View Post
    Overall, it's not a terrible beginning, and it's not a bad first fanfic. It's just that, to put it nicely, it looks like you've got room for improvement. However, it also looks like you have the potential to improve if you're careful about it.
    Well thanks for the awesome review. You're great. And don't worry about being harsh in your critiques, I dish out brutal ones to other people, so I need to be able to take them.

    Quote Originally Posted by JX Valentine View Post
    Also, as a side note, even if you didn't mean to be jerkish to your reviewers, it's terrible publicity (not to mention manners) to be sarcastic to one for any reason on any writing community. It makes you come off as arrogant, regardless of how you actually meant it, and not that many people respect an arrogant writer. Those are the ones that get passed off as Suethors who can't take concrit. Not saying that you are. Just saying that you'll always want to be careful about what you say to the people giving you feedback.
    Eh-heh, yeah, i found that out the hard way.


    As far as not updating yesterday, I'll let my characters explain that.

    April: "Tee hee, our esteemed narrator had bought a new video game. He stayed up until 5 in the morning playing it!"
    Shane: "Yeah, and all that time we were stuck in this cave."
    April: "And we still are. He really needs to get to work."
    Me: "Well, sorry you two, you know how I am with new games..."

    So did that help explain it? Heheh.
    Last edited by Brutaka; 3rd July 2012 at 7:07 AM.
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    When I saw my descriptions, I saw Brutaka with a last message posted today at 11:23 I think it was, then I click on thread page 3, it doubled in size from last time so I thought it updated before you PMed everyone. Sadly this was not case, however that was a rather lengthy review and I managed to take something from that as well, mainly cool down thing which I, like you, didn't know about.

    So what game did you get that you'd abandon your creations for? It also broke your update record.


    Credit to Brutaka for the amazing banner and user bar. Yeah, having 2 is redundant, but it shows you guys my favorite pokemon, what story I had planned and my position in the WoJ.

    Time, there's never enough of it but it's always there to waste.
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    Until I get to a computer, this will have to be a douple post.

    About that comment as coming off jerkish, that only applies if there wasn't any context before hand. If someone takes offence at something they read when no offence was intended and nobody else took offence or thought it was rude then it's really the readers fault in reading it in such a way as to take offence from it. I'll admit the response here had nothing building up to it but the comment that incited such a response came from not reading prior posts properly. Also any time someone says something like captain obvious or Mr (insert title here) it will always be sarcastic. I felt the whole exchange felt more like an antijoke chicken (a meme) from my point of view.

    This may or may not make sense but I hope it enlightens somebody.

    I do agree that you have to be careful in what you say but almost anyone can take offence to any thing regardless of how it's worded.


    Credit to Brutaka for the amazing banner and user bar. Yeah, having 2 is redundant, but it shows you guys my favorite pokemon, what story I had planned and my position in the WoJ.

    Time, there's never enough of it but it's always there to waste.
    -Azurus

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    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post
    You call that quick? I'd love to see along review from you! But seriously, thanks for this!
    Haha, I've written reviews that topped ten pages. It really depends on how much of a chunk I take out of the fic and whether or not it makes me want to punch something.

    Wow. I did not know that thing about the 'most' and the 'almost'. Thanks, it helped. And the tense-switching was merely a mistake.
    No problem. As for the mistake, it happens. I got the feeling that you could catch those errors but just didn't give yourself a cool-down period in order to tackle the chapter with a fresh mind. So hopefully the twenty-four-hour trick will help you.

    I suck at commas...
    To be fair, everyone does at first. It's really one of those things you have to memorize and practice in order to get down, and sometimes, even that's not a 100% guarantee that you'll be error-free.

    Dang, there was one there too? I end up doing that a lot in my writing, but my read through catches them all. At least it did in later chapters :/
    I'll have to check out the later chapters (beyond skimming, anyway) to see how you've been doing, but sure.

    See, I was just so bent on this one idea that you could learn about the main character, nearly as he does. Because in all PMD games, the main character wakes up with a name, and thats it. They have no recollection of anything at all.
    Keep in mind that while PMD has a great beginning, it also starts with the character waking up. There's no real prologue that introduces us to the protagonist as a human, and there's no build-up involving the legendaries attacking him out of nowhere (from his perspective). So it's actually a cold beginning, and that's a lot of the reason why it works. It starts off with the basic question of, "Okay, so who's this character," but that's a good thing because in that case, the question feels like a mystery for the players to solve. On the flip side, the reason why I wrote that comment to this story is because while you ask the same question, it doesn't produce the same sense of mystery. We're given a glimpse of this character and his life as a human, but the narration doesn't get into it. So it's a lot like asking someone a question, only for that person to start talking about a completely different topic without answering you.

    Granted, having a PMD story that starts off with the character waking up tends to be cliché in its own right, but on the other hand, I really do think that the first chapter is a stronger beginning than the prologue.

    Alternatively, you could take a third option and start the prologue with the conversation between the legendaries. Sure, you don't show us the character, but then again... you also don't show us the character. Which means that'd be a rather sneaky way of creating a stronger opening while at the same time achieving that "let's let the reader find out about the character as he does" feel you were trying to create. The downside is that it loses the ability to capture Shane's complete normalcy, but on the other hand, you might be able to pull that off via the proper introduction of the character in the first chapter anyway. It might even end up being funnier in that you'd have this whole build-up involving legendaries wanting to stop Shane from thwarting them, only to introduce a perfectly ordinary guy stuck in a Pokémon's body in the next chapter. Still, it's completely up to you. I'm just offering another way of looking at things that can let you keep the most amount of material and create a beginning that might actually be seen as unique.

    But I do agree that watching normal people doing amazing things is pretty awesome.

    I was going for dramatic repetition. Apparently that didnt work. I took one out.
    Yeah, dramatic repetition's a tough bit to master. Generally, in order to do it, you have to push the drama a bit more, if that makes sense. As in, you'd actually need more action so that it doesn't feel as if you're summarizing something you just said a few lines before it.

    That was something I didn't know.
    Yeah, it's something that's surprisingly not that well-known, despite the fact that it's actually a very useful tip. I'm not really sure why writing classes don't cover it; I only learned it from someone else online.

    Also, fair enough when it comes to reading out loud. Admittedly, sometimes I don't either, but in those cases, I find even mouthing the words can help.

    I had three options here. Use PMD 1's plot beginning and have him put as a Pokemon to save the world. Use PMD 2's plot and have him put into a pokemon as an accidental side effect of Darkrai trying to be rid of his foes before they're actually a problem. Or, make my own. Failing to come up with something for Option 3 that didn't sound cliche or half retard, I went with Option 4. I mixed the reasons of PMD and PMD2. It made a slightly generic plot, but I was going to take it in a generic direction, as you will all see for the end (which isn't completely set in stone, but I know how i want to finish it. But I'm going to try to make the story as interesting as possible along the way. I put action, mystery, romance, humor...and hopefully all in the right place.
    Good luck with it. I have to say that it's not impossible to work with a plot canon's already given you, especially given that a lot of fan-authors do that with varying success. However, it will be a challenge to keep readers' attentions, so it will be interesting to see what you do with it, knowing that.

    Well thanks for the awesome review. You're great. And don't worry about being harsh in your critiques, I dish out brutal ones to other people, so I need to be able to take them.
    No problem, and it'd be interesting to see you review around the forum. I don't think I've seen you besides in this thread, and we could use all the reviewers we can get.

    April: "Tee hee, our esteemed narrator had bought a new video game. He stayed up until 5 in the morning playing it!"
    Pfft, I know how that feels all too well.

    Quote Originally Posted by Azurus View Post
    About that comment as coming off jerkish, that only applies if there wasn't any context before hand. If someone takes offence at something they read when no offence was intended and nobody else took offence or thought it was rude then it's really the readers fault in reading it in such a way as to take offence from it. I'll admit the response here had nothing building up to it but the comment that incited such a response came from not reading prior posts properly. Also any time someone says something like captain obvious or Mr (insert title here) it will always be sarcastic. I felt the whole exchange felt more like an antijoke chicken (a meme) from my point of view.

    This may or may not make sense but I hope it enlightens somebody.

    I do agree that you have to be careful in what you say but almost anyone can take offence to any thing regardless of how it's worded.
    Actually, no, you still don't have an excuse to be sarcastic towards anyone. An eye for an eye makes the world blind, after all, and if it was an honest mistake, congrats, you've just shamed someone who made an honest mistake.

    See, here's the thing. Even if Comet missed the point, he's still a new reader with something to say. That's why you treat him with respect if he treats you with respect (which he basically did). You don't want to come off sounding like you're willing to call someone stupid (which is what calling someone "Sir Obvious" would do) just because they made a mistake. If they failed to read your work, explain that to them civilly. Don't shame a reader for any reason because, frankly, that makes you look bad. Why? Because drama is more obvious than civility. If you try to be a drama llama (by doing things like mocking your readers to their faces), it doesn't matter how much anyone else reads. People who drop by the thread will just see you as the jerk (because you did call someone oblivious), and that reputation will spread by word-of-mouth to others. Or end with you receiving punishment from mods, depending on the community.

    Therefore, you need to have patience with your readers and respond to them civilly or appropriately. (Appropriately in this case means "if you're being trolled or flamed, use the report button.") There is literally no excuse for responding sarcastically to a reader (e.g., by calling them Sir Obvious), even if you think they deserve it. Moreover, "everything is offensive to someone" is frankly not the best defense. By that logic, I have every right to call all of my readers idiots straight-out if I wanted to because why should I bother censoring myself if you're going to take offense to something I say anyway? No, that's silly; human decency still applies to online communication.

    REBOOT: Chapter fifteen now available. | Original: Chapter thirty-one now available.

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    Just for the record, I'm a she XD lol
    † I am a Christian and proud of it! Copy and paste this if you are too.†


    Credit goes to FairyWitch at Flower Paradise Graphics

    Fanfic Status: Currently postponed-- Kingdom Hearts: Memories' Reflection. Last updated 8/17/13

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    Quote Originally Posted by Azurus View Post
    So what game did you get that you'd abandon your creations for? It also broke your update record.
    Terraria. I just spent 14 hours straight on there...

    Quote Originally Posted by JX Valentine View Post
    No problem, and it'd be interesting to see you review around the forum. I don't think I've seen you besides in this thread, and we could use all the reviewers we can get.
    Oh, my critiques are mostly for mostly sketches and drawings. And my grammar and stuff isn't good enough to correct on that basis, as you can tell :/
    But I suppose I could critique on plot flow and direction.
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    New reader here, I like the story so far, but is it abandoned? If I'm reviving, sorry. If not put me on the PM list.
    Read Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Overthrown by Knightfall!



    He's serious.

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    Quote Originally Posted by muchmula View Post
    New reader here, I like the story so far, but is it abandoned? If I'm reviving, sorry. If not put me on the PM list.
    No! Of course it isn't abandoned! I have a guest over this week, and part of next week, and while she's here we're doing tons of stuff and going lots of places. So I dont have much time to write. But when she leaves I will try to get Ch. 8 out. And yes, you can go on the PM List.


    EDIT: I'm EXTREMELY sorry I haven't updated in so long...seriously guys. But I promise I'm still gonna work on it. There's a contest going on for art and literature that I'm taking place in. My short story is almost done and when its done, I'll submit it. Once the contest is over, I'll post it as a One-Shot, regardless if I win or not. So you'll have that.

    So thats why not only my fic is delayed, but also my shop has been paused for the moment as well...

    But the submission period ends today, so...

    EDIT II (08/04/12 12:29AM): Chapter 8 is finished as of now. However, I'm gonna give it a 24-hour cool down as was recommended. Only a little bit more guys!
    Last edited by Brutaka; 4th August 2012 at 7:31 AM.
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    Drum roll please! *a drum rolls past me* *facepalm* "That was a bit too literal..." Anyway...I now present...Chapter 8! The Fracture!

    Chapter 8
    The Fracture

    "Ah!" I cried as I gave everything I had into my Quick Attack. I smashed right into the boulders. "Ow! That...ow...really didn't feel good..." The rocks didn't even budge. "No, I can't give up," I said, dusting myself off. I dashed into the boulders again. Electricity flew everywhere as it was released from my cheeks in my attack. I was thrown backwards. I slowly got up and held my head. "Okay, no more of that..."

    Teary-eyed April watched with dismay. "Sparky, stop it before you kill yourself. Its no use." She turned and walked over to the wall. She dropped to the floor and sat against the stone behind her. "Oh, I hope we don't get stuck down here forever..."

    "No! Don't say that! We'll find a way out! We're a team, the best there is!" I took a seat next to her. In a calmer tone, I say, "Seriously, we'll get out."

    "I hope your right..."

    "Hey now, where's all that spirit I'm so used to hearing?"

    "But look, the wall's solid; we can't get out. What's the point?"

    "Hm. You know what? Let's talk about something else. Because maybe someone will realize we're gone, and they'll come save us. Too bad we can't get a rescue letter out...Anyway, like I said: we should talk about something to take our minds off of this."

    "Good idea," April said with a nod. She wiped her eyes. "So. What do you want to talk about?"

    "I knew you were going to ask that...I suppose we could, I dunno, talk about ourselves. Get to know each other more, you know?"

    "Okay, I guess. Um, you go first?"

    I looked down at the floor. "Well...I really don't know much about myself. The amnesia took all my memories. I was left with a name. Nothing else. I'm sorry, I really can't contribute then..."

    "Hm. How about you tell me what's been going inside your head since you woke up? Maybe that will tell me more about you."

    Do I tell her? Tell her that I...like her? No, not yet. It wouldn't be right. She's clearly still upset about the possibility of us not making it out...Maybe later would be better. I looked back at her. "There isn't much to tell. Obviously, waking up as Pokemon is terrifying."

    April gave me an odd look. "What's so bad about being a Pokemon?"

    "Er, that's not what I meant. All I'm saying is that I know I'm supposed to be a human. Randomly waking up as a different species would be scary, wouldn't it? Not to mention not being able to remember anything. Imagine if you woke up as a human and couldn't remember anything. You'd be freaked out, wouldn't you?"

    April nodded. "I guess I see your point. Go on."

    "So while I attempted to even just stand up in my strange new form, you showed up. At first, you actually kinda scared me, haha." I let out a small chuckle.

    "What do you mean?" April was giving me that odd look again.

    "Well, I suppose I'm used to being taller. And when I saw you, I thought you were some sort of giant squirrel monster or something. But then-but then I-" I was stumbling at that point. I couldn't decide whether to tell her my feelings or not.

    "But you what?"

    "Um, then I realized I wasn't so tall and that you were only as tall as me. I hadn't remembered all the Pokemon names at once, but I knew you were one of them."

    "Uh-huh. I know there's more than that..." She looked at me with a serious gaze.

    What!? Am I really that transparent? Oh no, now what? I fumbled for words. "Er, um, well you see, when I saw you...a-and that sparkle that you had on your coat...it-it"

    "Oh boy...why does this always happen? I had suspected as much. You like me, don't you? Like, you know, like me, like me?"

    "Wha!? Er, um, uh, no, not at all! Well, uh, yeah. Yeah, I do..." I was looking at the ground again. This isn't when I wanted to bring this up!

    April sighed. "I knew it...I've caught you just randomly staring at me. It looked like you were daydreaming. But you weren't. You were staring at me. Well, I suppose its to be expected. I am incredibly good-looking after all, teehee!" She seemed happier. I thought that was odd.

    She looked as if finding out made her upset. But...she's all giggly again. Could that mean? No, don't get your hopes. Arg! I can't believe it! What am I thinking!? How could I have let that feeling go crazy again? People...humans...aren't supposed to like Pokemon! But denying this feeling is getting harder and harder. I've got to turn back soon!

    I shook my head, clearing my thoughts. "Look, April, it doesn't matter how I feel. That's the Pachirisu talking. I'm really a human. It would...it would never work out..."

    "What do you mean? You are the Pachirisu! At least, you are now!"

    "I just don't want to get all attached to you. In fact, it'd be worse for you if you became that way towards me. I'm still trying to turn back, remember? If I were to go back, this Pachirisu would be gone. I wouldn't be here. I'd be back with my friends, my family. As a human. And if you grew to like me...in that way...then imagine how hurt you'd be? I couldn't stand to do that to anyone. I just couldn't."

    April was silent for a while. Then she put her paw on mine. "Then don't. Stay with me instead. Imagine the adventures we could have together! Doesn't...doesn't that sound like fun?" She was giving me a shy, sideways glance.

    I took my paw away. All of this was getting way too touchy-feely for my taste. "No, please, don't do that to me. Just, stop. Stop it...Don't make me choose!" What am I saying, of course I'd go home. I can't like a Pokemon!

    "Shane! You're gonna have to decide eventually!"

    I looked at her suddenly, confused. "You...you called me Shane."

    "What? Oh, I, uh-"
    BOOOM!
    April was interrupted with a huge sound that resembled an earthquake combined with something big hitting something hard. The ceiling began to crack. Small rocks started falling and they became bigger with time. Then I saw a large boulder falling from the cavern roof directly towards us!

    "Move!" I yelled as I shoved us both out of the way with Quick Attack.

    "Shane, I-"

    "Not now! Come on, before something else falls on us!" I pulled her up off the floor and lead her away from the falling rocks. They seemed to be relatively isolated to a small area.

    As the rumbling stopped, I noticed light shining down from the ceiling. An exit!

    "Oh thank Arceus, look! Light! It could be a way out!" April said with a leap of joy.

    "Its very likely to be. Come on!" As soon as we were about to make the first step however, a huge beam of ice froze the hole and left a huge pillar of ice blocking the exit. Before we could even be sorry for ourselves, the ice was shattered and melted by a red hot inferno.

    "...Is it over?" I asked tentatively.

    "I-I think so. Maybe we should go check." And so we slowly walked to the hole in the ceiling. Through the hole, we could see that it was roughly twilight, as the sky was cast with an orange hue. "I'll fly up and see what's going on."

    "Be careful," I warned. With a smile and a nod, she flew through the gap and landed on the edge.

    "By all that is mighty, what on Earth is going on!?" April yelled with fear in her voice.

    "What? What's happening?" I was anxious to see what she was riled up about. Without a word, she hopped down and told me to hold onto her tail. I did, and then she hopped up into the air, lifting me off the ground. She wasn't strong enough to get me all the way up, but with a flash we were launched upwards. Her Quick Attack barely got us above the gap, and she glided us both to the ground near the hole.

    The next thing I noticed was what I presumed had April in such a fuss. It wasn't twilight. In fact, it was the middle of the night. The sky was red with the embers of a huge fire that blazed all around us for miles!

    Oh no! What about Salvage Springs? We're really close to town! But I looked to where the town was. It was safe and encased in huge dome. Towards the top, directly under the surface of the shield was Uxie. He seemed to be using his power to shield the town. On the side of town closest to us, on the ground, were two other Pokemon that were strengthening the barrier with their Protect attacks. They were Quagsire and Honchrow, the Salvaging Co-Guildmasters. A purple and black, pig-like Pokemon was strengthening the barrier on the other side of town with his powers.

    A large explosion to our left, however, drew my attention. An epic battle was taking place. Well, it would have been epic had it not been completely one-sided. Three large birds were fighting a group of rock and steel snakes. And the snakes were losing badly. One of the birds, an orange one covered in flames, shot off a multitude of Fire Blasts at the steel-clad snakes. They fell hard. The blue bird, which sported a large navy-colored tail, froze the rock snakes solid with a beam of ice. The yellow bird was somehow whipping gusts of fire-hot wind that helped in downing the steel snakes. It would be a safe bet to say that a few stray shots from the birds it what made the hole in the cavern roof.

    As the last snake fell, the three birds landed on a grass hill, looking at their defeated opponents.

    "Ha! Weaklings," the yellow one spat.

    "Yes...I would have expected General R to send stronger opponents. I'm quite disappointed," the blue one added.

    "It was a necessary win though. Uxie didn't want to join with Master Z, so we attacked. General R was at least smart enough to send in opposition," the orange one said. He looked at the fallen snakes, "but I was surprised with these pathetic excuses of soldiers."

    "But come on, who could stand up to us?" the yellow bird retorted.

    "Mehehehe, true," the blue one laughed arrogantly.

    "Come. We have much more work that needs to be done," the red bird reminded.

    "But, Moltres, what of the town? The fire will surely burn it to the ground." the blue bird asked.

    "Leave it. If Uxie doesn't want to cooperate, then fine. He'll just have to watch his pathetic excuse of village turn to ashes..." Moltres said with an evil chuckle. The three birds then spread their wings and flew south, right over us. They were a powerful force.

    "Hey, April, who were those three?" I asked.

    "Moltres, Articuno, and Zapdos. They aren't deities, but they're legendary in their own right. Those three are among the most powerful in existence. And they burned down Foggy Woods!" April yelled with anger.

    "Yeah, and the fire's about to take Salvage Spring with it!"

    "No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! How could this happen? Why? Why were those birds even here? They're supposed to be tucked away, asleep on Element Island! What are they doing here? What are we going to do?"

    "I don't know. Uxie's shield isn't going to last forever," I said grimly.

    "No it isn't. But there isn't anything we can do. The fire has the whole town surrounded. We can't even get to it."

    I took a glance at the purple shield surrounding the town. It flickered and a crack began to force near the base. A horrible splintering sound was emitted by it.

    "Oh no, its already happening! The shield is failing!" April cried. The cracking noise sounded again, and fractures appeared all over the force field. Then, with a mighty crashing noise, the dome imploded on itself and hundreds of purple shards rained over the Salvage Springs...
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Muhahahahaha! Time for some serious plot developments and more twists and turns than a water slide! Shane's feelings for April finally come out, April attempts to convince him to stay, and April finally called him 'Shane'! General Z's forces win the Battle of Salvage Springs, and the town is about to consumed in flames. What will they do!? Why am I asking you this again? You guys don't know. I do! Mehehehehe. Okay guys, see you in a month! Just kidding
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  15. #65
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    Well well well, it seems Shane is conflicted in where he wants to be and the town is in peril.
    Who exactly are General Z and General R and what could they possibly want.

    I'll stay tuned to find out next time and thanks for updating, it was worth the wait. Looking forward to more.


    Credit to Brutaka for the amazing banner and user bar. Yeah, having 2 is redundant, but it shows you guys my favorite pokemon, what story I had planned and my position in the WoJ.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Azurus View Post
    Well well well, it seems Shane is conflicted in where he wants to be and the town is in peril.
    Who exactly are General Z and General R and what could they possibly want.

    I'll stay tuned to find out next time and thanks for updating, it was worth the wait. Looking forward to more.
    Yes...Shane's human thoughts and the Pokemon's instincts are started to conflict...
    Oh...you mean you don't know who Z and R are yet? Hm....And who knows what they want? God-like beings are very fickle in that regard.

    Your welcome as always. And there will be more, promise!
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  17. #67
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    Definitely worth the wait!

    Wow, there's a lot going on in this chapter.

    The legendary Elemental Birds working for General Z, who wants to recruit Uxie to his cause.
    In their failure to persuade Uxie they leave fire that will lay waste to a protection less Salvage Springs, so yeah, the next chapter better be out soon!

    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka
    What will they do!? Why am I asking you this again? You guys don't know. I do! Mehehehehe. Okay guys, see you in a month! Just kidding
    Because, you enjoy hearing our theories on what happens next. That's why!
    And you know that it's me who takes a month to write a chapter, so don't take my sign off! (I'm kidding, seriously, glad to have you writing again)

    Knightfall signing off ...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall View Post
    Definitely worth the wait!

    Wow, there's a lot going on in this chapter.
    Yes, quite a bit considering its one of my shorter chapters. Longer than the last two, but shorter than 1-5.

    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall View Post
    The legendary Elemental Birds working for General Z, who wants to recruit Uxie to his cause.
    In their failure to persuade Uxie they leave fire that will lay waste to a protection less Salvage Springs, so yeah, the next chapter better be out soon!
    And what about Shane and April? They're stuck on a grassy hilltop surrounded in flames after all.

    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall View Post
    And you know that it's me who takes a month to write a chapter, so don't take my sign off! (I'm kidding, seriously, glad to have you writing again)
    lol. Yea, I hope I dont do that again :/ You know, take forever for one chapter.
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  19. #69
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post
    And what about Shane and April? They're stuck on a grassy hilltop surrounded in flames after all.
    You think I forgot them? I was just thinking about the fact that the entire town is about to go up in flames.

    lol. Yea, I hope I dont do that again :/ You know, take forever for one chapter.[/QUOTE]

    Same here.

    Knightfall signing off ..

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    I presume that General Z and R are Zekrom and Reshiram respectively, correct? Nice twist to bring April and Shane's relationship to light as well as bringing in the bird trio.
    † I am a Christian and proud of it! Copy and paste this if you are too.†


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    Fanfic Status: Currently postponed-- Kingdom Hearts: Memories' Reflection. Last updated 8/17/13

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cometstarlight View Post
    I presume that General Z and R are Zekrom and Reshiram respectively, correct? Nice twist to bring April and Shane's relationship to light as well as bringing in the bird trio.
    SHH! Don't tell every one the secret <_< >_> Just kidding. But yes, you'd be correct in that presumption.
    Shane's and April's relationship had been underlying thing going on during the entire fic, and they did have some alone time. Don't let two teens that have a crush on each other have alone time. In a cave. By themselves. And that totally doesnt have perverted underlying meanings >_> Because remember folks, this is a G rated fic. No sexual innuendos here <_<
    Anyway, about the birds, ya, I plan on having most, if not all, the legendaries make a showing here. Not the Black/White Kyurem though, I wont have a place for them.
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    I feel like an idiot? How was that not obvious...

    I'll go shoot myself now, don't try to stop me.

    "But it was just a mistake, you have so much to live for, don't do i.... oh."

    "What did you think I was doing?" As he lifts a shot of alchohol up to his lips. "Just gonna shoot myself with shots"

    *edit* yeah that was bad, but it was funny at the time. *edit*
    Last edited by Azurus; 5th August 2012 at 9:06 AM.


    Credit to Brutaka for the amazing banner and user bar. Yeah, having 2 is redundant, but it shows you guys my favorite pokemon, what story I had planned and my position in the WoJ.

    Time, there's never enough of it but it's always there to waste.
    -Azurus

  23. #73
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    Quote Originally Posted by Azurus View Post
    I feel like an idiot? How was that not obvious...

    I'll go shoot myself now, don't try to stop me.

    "But it was just a mistake, you have so much to live for, don't do i.... oh."

    "What did you think I was doing?" As he lifts a shot of alchohol up to his lips. "Just gonna shoot myself with shots"

    *edit* yeah that was bad, but it was funny at the time. *edit*
    You mean...you really didn't know? Neat. I had actually thought between Zekrom's appearance in the Prologue along with the consent mention of Z(whose the only legend whose name starts with Z and was already mentioned) and R(which 'R' legend goes with the 'Z' legend?) people would have figured it out. But as you stated, even you thought that was obvious. But when some of the people had troubles figuring out who they were, I didnt help them because it would make for a slightly bigger surprise later.

    However, figuring it out now wont effect your reaction to much of anything later on.
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  24. #74
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    For some reason, browsing around my brain for legendaries that begin with R and Z only turned up the regis and Zerobii from a different fic, and they aren't even Legendary. I have even been playing pokemon black/white recently and didn't even think of them.


    Credit to Brutaka for the amazing banner and user bar. Yeah, having 2 is redundant, but it shows you guys my favorite pokemon, what story I had planned and my position in the WoJ.

    Time, there's never enough of it but it's always there to waste.
    -Azurus

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    Quote Originally Posted by Azurus View Post
    For some reason, browsing around my brain for legendaries that begin with R and Z only turned up the regis and Zerobii from a different fic, and they aren't even Legendary. I have even been playing pokemon black/white recently and didn't even think of them.
    Well, its all good. You know now. And trust me, Im the same way with other fics
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