Pokemon Adventures: Red & Blue

[Weedy Spyze]

Alright, well here's my real first attempt at a fanfiction ever.

I'm a big fan of the Pokemon Adventures manga, and if you frequented that part of the forums in the past two weeks or so I'm sure you've noticed me posting over there. I've been discussing with the many different good people of that section of the forum about some things we like and dislike about the manga, and it's given me a lot of different ideas on how I personally would change it to hopefully improve it. And after brainstorming these ideas over the past couple of days, I've finally decided to put my money where my mouth is and post my own fanfiction, a rewrite of Pokemon Adventures of sorts.

That may be a bit unfair to say, though. Adventures will be a big inspiration for this fic, but the main purpose of this fic is to write my own personal adaptation of the plotlines. So, I'll be doing plenty of changes, and will probably even do some of my personal ideas/storylines that are unique from the manga, as well as some things that came from the games but didn't make it to the manga. I know plenty of people have written an adaptation of Red & Blue in the past, but hopefully mine will entertain you as well.

I only have a prologue of sorts done at the moment, so I'm gonna go ahead and post it. There isn't much to review here, but I hope it will be enough to pique your interest and tide you over for the first real chapter. So, without further ado: here it is.

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*chapter in process of being rewritten*

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[DMerle]

I couldn't find any actual mistakes but there are a few things like this.

A young boy, no more than eleven years of age, was sitting on the bottom of a bunk bed

It's a little confusing as it is because you have to pause and figure out if your talking about the bottom bunk, or the bottom of the bed. I'd try rewording it to just a normal bed.

A young boy, no more than eleven years of age, was sitting at the bottom of his bed.

“Red, hurry up! The other kids are already outside battling with their Pokemon!” the boy heard calling from outside the room he was in.

The last bit of this sentence is also a little confusing, maybe try;

"Red, hurry up! The other kids are already outside battling with their Pokemon!" Somebody shouted excitedly from outside his room.

All in all I did enjoy it, it was very short but I'm pretty intrigued, do you have a PM list?

[Weedy Spyze]

I couldn't find any actual mistakes but there are a few things like this.

It's a little confusing as it is because you have to pause and figure out if your talking about the bottom bunk, or the bottom of the bed. I'd try rewording it to just a normal bed.

The last bit of this sentence is also a little confusing, maybe try;

All in all I did enjoy it, it was very short but I'm pretty intrigued, do you have a PM list?

Thanks for your feedback. I am pretty new at this, so there most likely probably will be a few errors and confusing word choice here and there. Only means there's more room to improve!

The bunk bed is sort of a plot point, though. You'll see when I post the first chapter. I'll go back and edit it a little better later, though.

I'm not quite sure what a pm list is...?

[DMerle]

Thanks for your feedback. I am pretty new at this, so there most likely probably will be a few errors and confusing word choice here and there. Only means there's more room to improve!

The bunk bed is sort of a plot point, though. You'll see when I post the first chapter. I'll go back and edit it a little better later, though.

I'm not quite sure what a pm list is...?

No worries, there only suggestions and they are really small things at that, a PM list is just basically a list of readers who want to be notified by private message everytime you release a new chapter, that way we don't miss them if we don't have time to check, or miss the post or anything.

[matt0044]

Interesting. I'll be checking more of this out for sure. I assume Wally's going to be Emerald for that arc. As for Red's narration, I don't hate it but mixing with a third person narration is a sort of pet peeve of mine. I'd advise not doing it for future chapters. Luckily, Pokemon Adventures/Special doesn't have that past the first chapter.

I'd say more but I'd like to wait until the next chapter. I know it'll be good.

[Weedy Spyze]

No worries, there only suggestions and they are really small things at that, a PM list is just basically a list of readers who want to be notified by private message everytime you release a new chapter, that way we don't miss them if we don't have time to check, or miss the post or anything.

I'm sure I can do something like that, after all it can only be a good thing if someone wants to be notified of a new chapter so they don't miss it. I assume I'll have to pm everyone manually or is there some kind of more convenient system I'm not aware of lol?

Interesting. I'll be checking more of this out for sure. I assume Wally's going to be Emerald for that arc. As for Red's narration, I don't hate it but mixing with a third person narration is a sort of pet peeve of mine. I'd advise not doing it for future chapters. Luckily, Pokemon Adventures/Special doesn't have that past the first chapter.

I'd say more but I'd like to wait until the next chapter. I know it'll be good.

Yeah, the change in narration is only for the prologue, it's not gonna be in the actual story.

Thanks, I hope I don't disappoint you!

[DMerle]

I'm sure I can do something like that, after all it can only be a good thing if someone wants to be notified of a new chapter so they don't miss it. I assume I'll have to pm everyone manually or is there some kind of more convenient system I'm not aware of lol?

If you seperate the names with a semi colon (;) you can send the message to as many people as you want at the same time.

[Weedy Spyze]

Alright, time for the first chapter! I hope you all enjoy it.

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*chapter in process of being rewritten*

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Chapter 1 is complete! We see Red have a trainer battle, get a little bit of info on his backstory, watch him grind a bit, and then suffer his very first defeat at the hands of some mysterious Pokemon! Where will things go from here?! Well, you may already have some idea lol. But I could throw a few curve-balls in to surprise you.

Any comments and constructive criticisms are greatly appreciated. I even have a few questions for you all myself. First of all, was I way too damn detailed? I've spent the whole entire day working on this first chapter, writing and rewriting it about three different times. The first draft, it was only five pages long. But when it was all said and done, it had grown to ten pages long--double that size. To me, it may seem somewhat intimidating, so I'm eager to see what you all think.

For the record, if you couldn't tell from the text, Rick is a Bug Catcher, Ben is a Youngster, and Janice is a Lass. Their names were all taken from in-game trainers who use those exact names in FR/LG. These three won't be too important to the storyline, and were mostly just used as fodder for Red's first battle. But I may come up with some use for them again somewhere down the line.

If anyone wants to be added to a pm list, please let me know.

[DMerle]

This was absolutely great, i really enjoyed this and for a first effort it's got a huge potential. I think the chapter length was ideal and the perfect length for me personally, not too short or long, and because it was so well-written you could of gotten away with adding even more. (Although I'm glad you ended it where you did.) The only advice I can give you at this point is to slow down a little, It's good that your pumping out material so fast but if you release chapters too often it can be a bit intimidating for potential readers, as a limit I'd try and stick to around 2 a week. Other than that like I said it was really well done and I'm thoroughly impressed, and i'd love to be on the PM list.

Also are you planning on keeping all the captures the same as in the manga, or will you be adding some of your own?

[Weedy Spyze]

This was absolutely great, i really enjoyed this and for a first effort it's got a huge potential. I think the chapter length was ideal and the perfect length for me personally, not too short or long, and because it was so well-written you could of gotten away with adding even more. (Although I'm glad you ended it where you did.) The only advice I can give you at this point is to slow down a little, It's good that your pumping out material so fast but if you release chapters too often it can be a bit intimidating for potential readers, as a limit I'd try and stick to around 2 a week. Other than that like I said it was really well done and I'm thoroughly impressed, and i'd love to be on the PM list.

Also are you planning on keeping all the captures the same as in the manga, or will you be adding some of your own?

Thank you for your kind words, I'm really glad you enjoyed this.

There will be some differences, in fact there already is one. Red never had a Pidgeotto in the manga. Blue was the one who got Pidgeot, but here he'll probably be getting something different.

[DMerle]

Thank you for your kind words, I'm really glad you enjoyed this.

There will be some differences, in fact there already is one. Red never had a Pidgeotto in the manga. Blue was the one who got Pidgeot, but here he'll probably be getting something different.

Ah right, It's been like 2 years since i read the original and I forgot about that lol.

anyways a few fixes;

This practiced continued for a few minutes

The practice continued for a few minutes

Just then, the boy noticed a flash of light coming from the wood of trees to his right. “Huh?” he asked, confused. “What was that?”

The boy stared at the trees for a few moments more, and after not noticing anything else out of the ordinary after a minute or two, shrugged and began on his journey back to Pallet Town again. But just as suddenly, he saw another flash out of the corner of his right eye again.

“Ok, I know I saw some kind of flash of light this time!” the boy exclaimed. His curiosity getting the best of him, the boy set off into the woods to investigate.

Here basically you refer to Red as "the boy" to many times, we've already been introduced to him as a character and know who he is so he should be called predominantly Red when being referred to, and he will suffice if his name has been mentioned in the same paragraph. "The boy" is OK, but i'd try and refrain from using it to often.

Just then, Red noticed a flash of light coming from the wood of trees to his right. “Huh?” he asked, confused. “What was that?”

He stared at the trees for a few moments longer, not seeing anything else out of the ordinary, he shrugged and began on his journey back to Pallet Town again. But just as suddenly, he saw another flash out of the corner of his eye again.

"Ok, I know I saw some kind of flash of light this time!” He exclaimed. His curiosity getting the best of him, Red set off into the woods to investigate.

The boy came across a small clearing in the trees. Standing in front of him in the clearing, he spotted another boy. This boy had spiky brown hair. His back was to him, so Red couldn't see his face, although if he had to guess he would assume that this boy was around the same age as him. “Who is that?” he asked to himself. He then glanced over to what the other boy was looking at. “And...wh-hat is that?!”

The boy was facing a floating pink...thing? Red wasn't sure how to describe this creature. It was definitely pink in color, he could tell that. It had a face sort of resembling a cat, and a very long tail. What was most puzzling to Red however was the fact that this creature was floating in the air.

Here you've done the same thing, you started referring to Red as "the boy" then used it to describe the other character at the same time which is kind of confusing, also you'll notice that you call him "the boy" several times before mentioning he looked around the same age as Red so up to that point you shouldn't really refer to him as that, as the reader doesn't know his age.

Red came across a small clearing in the trees. Standing in front of him in the clearing, he spotted someone else. He had spiky brown hair. His back was to him, so Red couldn't see his face, although if he had to guess he would assume that he was around the same age as him. “Who is that?” he asked to himself. He then glanced over to what the other boy was looking at. “And...wh-hat is that?!”

The boy was facing a floating pink...thing? Red wasn't sure how to describe this creature. It was definitely pink in color, he could tell that. It had a face sort of resembling a cat, and a very long tail. What was most puzzling to Red however was the fact that this creature was floating in the air.

[Weedy Spyze]

Well I can see how I may have unconciously used that word choice too often. I went back and did a few edits, hopefully it's not as confusing or whatever any more. That's the only suggestion of your's I really agree with, though.

And I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't rewrite these fixes/suggestions yourself (or if you do, don't post it here for me to see). I really don't want to copy your words and place them in my story, and all the quote tags in your posts kind of made it confusing for me to read as well. I know you're just trying to give examples for fixes or whatever, but I really don't need any examples.

[matt0044]

Nice first chapter. I love the explanation that Red's an orphan and giving him Ash's last name. BTW, where's Team Rocket? I guess they weren't important to the chapter enough so that's fine. Nice novelization of Pokemon Adventures.

[Weedy Spyze]

Nice first chapter. I love the explanation that Red's an orphan and giving him Ash's last name. BTW, where's Team Rocket? I guess they weren't important to the chapter enough so that's fine. Nice novelization of Pokemon Adventures.

Yeah, I just decided to omit Team Rocket from this chapter completely. Even though this is somewhat of a novelization of Adventures, I'm not gonna adapt it word for word. There'd be no fun in that.

Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Do you want to be added to the pm list?

[matt0044]

Do you want to be added to the pm list?

Sure thing.

[Orbis]

This is epik! I do have one problem with it though: It seems like the anime. And I don't like the anime. I know the fanfiction's like a manga that was introduced in the 90's, but... Maybe you can spend some time making things interesting by not explaining every single move. That's what makes the anime boooooooring. PokeSpe did a good job of explaining things while making things interesting, so go for that!
Add me to the pm list too, plz!

[Hero of Ideals]

Very good job, I like it alot.

My advice is to only explain moves that some fans won't know.

[[Imaginative]:[Clockwork]]

The first three volumes of Special are the only ones I've read all the way through, so I was pretty happy to find this. :D I'll start with the Prologue.

Okay, while I like the idea of blending the original Special opening with your own, I have to agree that the quotes are a little awkward to read over. I never much cared for it in the manga either, but in that case they were at least kind of separated from the narrative by slipping the intro up over panels that didn't need dialogue to be understood. That's not as easy to do with writing alone, so it comes off sort of disjointed, especially since each quote from the manga doesn't seem to have much relation to the description following it. And because he addresses the audience, it's hard to imagine them just being his conveniently-explanatory thoughts as he begins another day of Pokémon training.

Other than that, I like the prologue. I'm not sure the description of the Poké Balls was entirely necessary, but everything else feels like it's setting up for a classic Pokémon journey, a genre I've always loved.

Now, on to the first chapter.

Pallet Town: a small, tranquil setting of peace and purity. This small town borders the edge of the Kanto sea to the south, and bordering to the north are many hills, woods, and greenery where all kinds of wild Pokemon roam. Far and free from the pollution of the larger cities of Kanto, this area provides a calm and clean surrounding that helps rejuvenate the spirits of both humans and Pokemon alike.

This paragraph started as a pleasant (if somewhat typical) description of Pallet Town, but something about the last sentence pushes it into travel brochure territory. XD It's less natural, I guess, and more informative.

And in one area of this town, a small group of three children are currently gathered in a small field, taking in part one of the most popular of Pokemon practices: Pokemon battling.

For some reason, this sentence is in present-tense, while the rest of the chapter is in past-tense.

“Caterpie, don't give up! Tackle!” a young boy wearing a straw hat and holding a large butterfly net and small container commanded.

“Dodge it, Pidgey! Finish if off with Gust!” commanded another boy, wearing a yellow shirt, and a blue baseball cap and shorts.

Things get a little wordy here. Using some action to include descriptions is a lot less intrusive than introducing a character with a list of traits. For instance, assuming this information is important for the audience to know (I guess you could argue it is, considering the butterfly net and shorts place each character in their respective trainer classes), you could mention that Rick was clutching his butterfly net nervously or that Ben was glad he wore his lucky shorts that day or something (I'll admit, the shorts thing would be harder to work in naturally, but even mentioning just the shorts at first and spreading the other details out later would be a little cleaner than listing them all upfront).

I bet the Beedrill you raised would've been able to beat Ben's Pidgey with no problem!”

I'm not sure if this is to intentionally show that maybe Janice isn't as smart as she thinks she is (if so, nice touch) or if you just messed up Caterpie's evolution line (in that case, I think you meant Butterfree).

This Pokemon, named “Poli,” pounded its fists together and studied its opponent with a determined glare, ready to win this battle for its trainer.

It's not really necessary to state that it's named Poli, since it's pretty clear from Red's “Poli, I choose you.”

The purple rodent Pokemon, called Rattata, let out another cry and then began scurrying towards its opponent at a great speed.

Again, Ben called it Rattata when he released it.

The battle was strangely delightful. It was a little too turn-based, but the random shouts from the sidelines gave it a very anime feel. It was actually almost campy, especially Red's after-school special “That's right, Janice,” at the end.

That cheesiness is one of my favorite things about this, but it can also hurt you a little bit. When Red does something like introduce the location he just entered, it kind of comes off as lazy writing (as in, you simply state things rather than explaining them in the narrative). I think this is partly because I'm not sure whether you're mimicking that style for the readers' amusement or mimicking it because it was in the source material and, well, why not? (The answer is that it looks way more ridiculous in writing than in a children's cartoon or a older children's comic. That ridiculousness can work for you if you know when to use it for a joke and not just to save time in descriptions, but I'm still not sure what you're going for.)

Overall, I like this. Maybe it's just my love for those first three volumes, but I feel like you do a good job of making it feel like a vintage Pokémon journey instead of the generic trainerfic it easily could've been. Red and Blue have the classic Pokémon rivals dynamic, which adds to the feel (I hope you don't let that stop you from doing interesting things with them, though. It may be a rivalry that's been done often but it's always possible to do it well). That, I think, is your biggest obstacle: taking something that people are familiar with and adding enough to make it fresh again. So far, there's not much difference from Special, but I hope you'll run with some of the manga's ideas to create an original journey. Good luck. :)

[Weedy Spyze]

This is epik! I do have one problem with it though: It seems like the anime. And I don't like the anime. I know the fanfiction's like a manga that was introduced in the 90's, but... Maybe you can spend some time making things interesting by not explaining every single move. That's what makes the anime boooooooring. PokeSpe did a good job of explaining things while making things interesting, so go for that!
Add me to the pm list too, plz!

Oh dear. Well, I hope you don't dislike the anime too much lol, because there may be a couple more things in this fic inspired directly by the anime (such as Red's last name being Ketchum). I'll keep the move description thing in mind for the future, though. That's one of the reasons I asked if I was being too descriptive. The battle descriptions was one of the last things I added to the final draft, and I was worrying if they would seem a bit tad unnecessary. But I want to write this in a way someone who's not too familiar with Pokemon could theoretically read and not get too lost with some of the knowledge that's obvious to us, so that's part of the reason those were added.

Very good job, I like it alot.

My advice is to only explain moves that some fans won't know.

I'm glad you enjoyed it. That's kind of unfair advice, though. It's kinda hard for me to assume what kinds of moves some people would know and some wouldn't know.

Okay, while I like the idea of blending the original Special opening with your own, I have to agree that the quotes are a little awkward to read over. I never much cared for it in the manga either, but in that case they were at least kind of separated from the narrative by slipping the intro up over panels that didn't need dialogue to be understood. That's not as easy to do with writing alone, so it comes off sort of disjointed, especially since each quote from the manga doesn't seem to have much relation to the description following it. And because he addresses the audience, it's hard to imagine them just being his conveniently-explanatory thoughts as he begins another day of Pokémon training.

Other than that, I like the prologue. I'm not sure the description of the Poké Balls was entirely necessary, but everything else feels like it's setting up for a classic Pokémon journey, a genre I've always loved.

This paragraph started as a pleasant (if somewhat typical) description of Pallet Town, but something about the last sentence pushes it into travel brochure territory. XD It's less natural, I guess, and more informative.

For some reason, this sentence is in present-tense, while the rest of the chapter is in past-tense.

I'm not sure if this is to intentionally show that maybe Janice isn't as smart as she thinks she is (if so, nice touch) or if you just messed up Caterpie's evolution line (in that case, I think you meant Butterfree).

It seems like not many people cared too much for the style of the prologue lol. It's alright, though. I'm gonna be leaving it as is, but the prologue's style is something that will be unique to it, so these problems shouldn't show up any more.

Lmao @ travel brochure territory. That sentence is there for a reason, though.

I'm not sure what you mean here, but your quote had a typo in it that I went back and fixed, so thanks for bringing that to my attention lol.

Actually, it's just words of encouragement from Janice using a random Pokemon Rick owns that we'll probably never see. I guess it's ok to see it as Janice not being as smart as she thinks she is, though. She is a child after all.

The battle was strangely delightful. It was a little too turn-based, but the random shouts from the sidelines gave it a very anime feel. It was actually almost campy, especially Red's after-school special “That's right, Janice,” at the end.

That cheesiness is one of my favorite things about this, but it can also hurt you a little bit. When Red does something like introduce the location he just entered, it kind of comes off as lazy writing (as in, you simply state things rather than explaining them in the narrative). I think this is partly because I'm not sure whether you're mimicking that style for the readers' amusement or mimicking it because it was in the source material and, well, why not? (The answer is that it looks way more ridiculous in writing than in a children's cartoon or a older children's comic. That ridiculousness can work for you if you know when to use it for a joke and not just to save time in descriptions, but I'm still not sure what you're going for.)

Overall, I like this. Maybe it's just my love for those first three volumes, but I feel like you do a good job of making it feel like a vintage Pokémon journey instead of the generic trainerfic it easily could've been. Red and Blue have the classic Pokémon rivals dynamic, which adds to the feel (I hope you don't let that stop you from doing interesting things with them, though. It may be a rivalry that's been done often but it's always possible to do it well). That, I think, is your biggest obstacle: taking something that people are familiar with and adding enough to make it fresh again. So far, there's not much difference from Special, but I hope you'll run with some of the manga's ideas to create an original journey. Good luck.

I'll take that as a compliment, I suppose. How would you prefer the battles to be written? In a more anime-like style?

I can't see any time Red did that, besides maybe "The West Wood" which was from a throw-away line in the manga anyway, and it won't ever be visited again after this chapter. Locations which are more important to the overall storyline won't be treated that way.

Anyway, I generally appreciate your input. I'm taking in all of the feedback you all are giving me and thinking about how I could include some of the suggestions I like into the story. Glad you liked it, and do you want to be added to the pm list?

[[Imaginative]:[Clockwork]]

I'm not sure what you mean here, but your quote had a typo in it that I went back and fixed, so thanks for bringing that to my attention lol.

Haha, no problem. What I'm saying there is that the sentence I quoted states that the kids "are currently gathered," which is present tense. That one sentence describes the scene as if it's happening while you read it but the rest of the chapter is told as if everything has already happened.

I'll take that as a compliment, I suppose. How would you prefer the battles to be written? In a more anime-like style?

Yours weren't bad at all, but it can get tiresome to read a Command-Attack Description-Retaliation style battle. This thread has lots of good discussions on battle writing. Characters' emotions, the environment, and the chemistry between trainer and Pokemon can turn an ordinary battle scene into an epic one. Again, I'm not flaming your battle scenes; they were perfectly fine for new-ish trainers who probably wouldn't be having flaming aerial duels. It would just add an extra element to, say, build up the excitement as Ben's Rattata lands the Hyper Fang or describe Ben's annoyance at his supposed friend Janice's huge bias towards Red.

I can't see any time Red did that, besides maybe "The West Wood" which was from a throw-away line in the manga anyway, and it won't ever be visited again after this chapter. Locations which are more important to the overall storyline won't be treated that way.

It's also in times like Miss Delia's introduction, where her good traits are listed all at once instead of implying them through her behavior. Sure, she's nice, but other than what I've been told about her, I'm not getting much personality from her and her presence in this chapter doesn't seem to have much of a point besides throwing in a little backstory. Does she favor Red over the other orphans? Does Red act differently around her than when he's around his friends? We get hints at this stuff, but it's never really given time to develop.

Red stating that he's had his Pokemon a long time is another example. There's no one around that wouldn't know he's had them since they were young (besides the audience, of course) so it comes off as a little bit of an infodump.

It's not just announcing a location's name. It's more about the "Show, don't tell" rule.

Anyway, I generally appreciate your input. I'm taking in all of the feedback you all are giving me and thinking about how I could include some of the suggestions I like into the story. Glad you liked it, and do you want to be added to the pm list?

No problem! No, thank you. I'll try to keep up, but my reviewing is pretty sporadic, so I'll just follow at my own pace.