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Thread: Max's New Adventures

  1. #176
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    Great that you are back!)
    I am happy that you liked it, comment whenever you want to, all my dear readers

  2. #177
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    Woah great chapter! One thing, I think you should have described Ash's journey in Sinnoh more, since Max would probably love to hear about it. But that's your choice Great chapter!

  3. #178
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    Great chapter and it was awesome to see old characters, like Professor Oak and Ash again.
    I hope gym battle will be pretty soon.
    Welcome back Charizard! I've missed you so much! <3

  4. #179
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    Quote Originally Posted by TheSirPeras View Post
    I think you should have described Ash's journey in Sinnoh more, since Max would probably love to hear about it.
    Well...)We all know what was with Ash, but I want to focus more on Max journey. But I hope when they meet I can describe it more)
    Quote Originally Posted by StarDestroyer View Post
    I hope gym battle will be pretty soon.
    It will take place from 16 till 17th Chapter

    Thanks for the comments!

  5. #180
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    Is it allowed to make suggestions about what other Pokemon Max will catch in the future?
    Welcome back Charizard! I've missed you so much! <3

  6. #181
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    Quote Originally Posted by StarDestroyer View Post
    Is it allowed to make suggestions about what other Pokemon Max will catch in the future?
    You can talk about anything hereSure!
    You can also make suggestions about the characters Max will meet or which Pokemon gym leaders will use

  7. #182
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    Quote Originally Posted by RealRaymon View Post
    You can talk about anything hereSure!
    You can also make suggestions about the characters Max will meet or which Pokemon gym leaders will use
    Good!
    So, I think it would be great if Max would capture Beldum.
    Welcome back Charizard! I've missed you so much! <3

  8. #183
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    Quote Originally Posted by StarDestroyer View Post
    Good!
    So, I think it would be great if Max would capture Beldum.
    I thought about it, but he will have a good Psychic type)

  9. #184
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    Quote Originally Posted by RealRaymon View Post
    I thought about it, but he will have a good Psychic type)
    You mean Ralts, right?
    Welcome back Charizard! I've missed you so much! <3

  10. #185
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    Quote Originally Posted by StarDestroyer View Post
    You mean Ralts, right?
    Of course)

  11. #186
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    YAY!!! Ash was in this chapter!
    I'm really glad you put him in, it made the chapter better than if it was just all phone calls.
    So if Ash has just finished travelling to Sinnoh that means by the time Max gets a couple more badges, Ash will be in Unova.
    Since Ash is introduced are you planning on showing a battle that he promised to Max sometime? You could use his Unova pokemon! Maybe before the league and Brock could make a cameo because he now longer travels with Ash. Oh and Dawn too.
    Anyway this was a surprising chapter, I hope you have more on the way.

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  12. #187

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    Some grammar mistakes but other than that it was just fine. I wonder if Ash is going to give Max a surprise visit or any other one of his friends! Maybe, since Max is on his own, he should meet Jirachi again. That would be awesome!

  13. #188
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ash&Pikachu-Fan View Post
    YAY!!! Ash was in this chapter!
    I'm really glad you put him in, it made the chapter better than if it was just all phone calls.
    So if Ash has just finished travelling to Sinnoh that means by the time Max gets a couple more badges, Ash will be in Unova.
    Since Ash is introduced are you planning on showing a battle that he promised to Max sometime? You could use his Unova pokemon! Maybe before the league and Brock could make a cameo because he now longer travels with Ash. Oh and Dawn too.

    Anyway this was a surprising chapter, I hope you have more on the way.
    You have many predictions here, don't you?)We don't know how much time have been before Ash returning to Pallet Town and going to Unova, so I don't want him still to go there(to Unova)
    About the battle, I want to make them battling, but obviously, not now)Ash would win oll of Max's Pokemon with one of his
    Quote Originally Posted by momomon View Post
    Some grammar mistakes but other than that it was just fine. I wonder if Ash is going to give Max a surprise visit or any other one of his friends! Maybe, since Max is on his own, he should meet Jirachi again. That would be awesome!
    About grammar mistakes...I'll take it into account and I will re-read my chapters once more before posting, so I can correct my mistakes)
    About Jirachi, I haven't seen the movie)

    P.S. I've finally decided on what Pokemon to give Max. I mean the last two(besides Treecko, Taillow, Mudkip and Ralts)
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 17th August 2012 at 1:00 PM.

  14. #189
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    Hi, my dear readers! I post the new Chapter, it is an unusual one, as it is focused on Forrest. I hope you like it!)
    And I started to check my spelling and grammar by re-reading it before posting, so I think it is good

    The 14th Chapter: Remembering is always a good thing!

    Max: “Guys, I want to make a call.”

    Randy: “Ok, I’ll go and have some breakfast.” (to Forrest) “Would you join me?”

    Forrest(agrees): “Yeah, fine with me. Ok, Max. See ya later.”
    __________________________________________

    (As they go there and find a place to sit, they begin a conversation)

    Randy: “So, you know where I came from and how I got my Pokemon…So, what about you?”

    Forrest: “You know, it is a very long story.”(starts talking with a deep voice)
    “When I and my twin-brother, Forrester, were a little bit younger, we were living in Azalea Town, in the Johto region. All people there are fond of Bug Pokemon. My Mom was not the exception. She was always talking about them, so we didn’t have another choice, but do the same. But now I can tell you that Bug-type Pokemon are the best without a doubt.”

    Randy: “Well, I like them too, but don’t you like another types?”

    Forrest: “I do, but you know, I derive pleasure only by training bug-types.”

    Randy(with understanding): “I see…So, is there anything more that you can tell me?”

    Forrest: “Well, both of us started to get interested in Bug-Pokemon, and on our 10-th birthday, our mother gave us our first Pokemon. She gave me Ledyba and my brother a Spinarak. We went on our journey, as Bug-catchers, and pretty soon…”(as he remembers it in a flashback)
    __________________________________________

    Forrest: “There are so many bugs here, but you know, I want to catch the bug boss…”

    Forrester: “Bug boss, you mean Heracross?”

    Forrest: “Yeah!”

    Forrester: “But I don’t think so.”

    Forrest: “Oh, that’s just a byname. Don’t take it too seriously.”

    Forrester: “Oh, okay…I would like to catch a Yanma. It flies so gracefully. And when I see their eyes, I just…”(imagines and then stops and asks) “Anyway, do you want to catch a Heracross with a Ledyba?”

    Forrest: “Well…I am not sure…And do you want to catch Yanma with a Spinarak?”

    Forrester(thinks): “Well…What should we do?”

    Forrest: “I think that we should train our Pokemon more…”

    (And then they started training them, by battling Caterpies and Weedles, by battling with Each other…and finally…The scene is shown where Spinarak and Ledyba battle each other)

    Forrest: “You can do it, Ledyba, use Dizzy Punch”

    (Ledyba’s arms glowed yellow and it flew into Spinarak)

    Forrester(yells): “Spinarak, stay strong! Use Poison Jab!”

    (Spinarak’s white horn glowed purple and it was waiting for the right moment to strike. Two Pokemon were already exhausted, but they didn’t give up and two attacks collided, making them fall on the grass)

    Forrest: “Get up, Ledyba!”

    Forrester: “You too, Spinarak!”

    (As they started to get up, they looked at each other with cool faces and then they began to glow white)

    Forrest: “Ledyba, what’s with you?”

    Forrester: “No way, they are evolving!”
    __________________________________________

    Forrest: “So, that’s how we trained and very soon we caught a Heracross and Yanma…”

    Randy: “But how did you get to Hoenn?”

    Forrest: Well, one day our Mom told us that we are moving to Rustboro City because she wanted to see all the Pokemon here…We arrived in Hoenn…We started being rangers here, helping newbie trainers and protecting the woods. Our Mom moved to another region after a while, but we stayed together. Very soon this life started to bore me, but one day I met a girl, May, Max’s sister, I saw that she was free, no obligations and this inspired me to start travelling. I started on my own and very soon I came back, because I felt lonely. So, I decided to start traveling again after Max came back. Well, I guess that’s it…”

    (Randy was impressed by this story. They also see that Max was coming with his Pokemon.)

    Max: “Hey guys, I am back! We are going to have a breakfast and then we’ll do some training!”

    Randy: “That’s great! Let’s eat something?”

    (They had a breakfast and they came out of the Pokemon Center)

    Forrest: “What kind of training do you want?”

    Randy: “You know, I have a good bug-type Pokemon. And I want to train it by fighting your byg-type.”

    Max: “That sounds great!”

    Forrest: “I don’t mind. Okay, let’s start!”

    (As usual, they stand against each other and Max is judging them)

    Randy(very confident): “I choose you, Butterfree!”

    Butterfree(comes out): “Freee…”

    Forrest: “Come out Ledian!”

    Ledian: “Ledi…”

    Pokedex: “Butterfree, the Butterfly Pokémon. Butterfree is the evolved form of Metapod. The scales covering its wings help it to shed water.”

    Max: “That is a cool Pokemon!”

    Randy: “Thanks!”

    Forrest: “Well, really interesting matchup!”

    (Two trainers prepared to battle with two of their bug-type Pokemon, It was very sunny, but not hot, so the weather was perfect for them. Who’ll be victorious? We’ll soon find out)

    The end of the 14th Chapter.
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 10th October 2012 at 2:47 AM.

  15. #190
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    So I actually have a bit of time now, so you get a review now! =p Only doing the last two chapters with quotes though.

    Overall it's continuing well; the characters are being established nicely and backstory like the one in the last chapter is fun to read (and also helpful given I do not know about many minor characters in the anime). I can't comment much about them being accurate representations but I get the feeling that they are, especially as more major characters I do know something about are portrayed well.

    The story is going alright at its own pace too; it does feel sorta like the anime there. I did raise an eyebrow with Max getting two starter Pokemon, just because they are rare Pokemon canonically. It's not too bad though and the fact that people like Prof Oak comment on it with interest as well is a good way to keep things in check so to speak (but that still depends how you handle how easily Max goes through his adventure =p).

    The main mistake you're making atm has to do with a lack of spaces:
    Randy: “Ok, I’ll go and have some breakfast.” (to Forrest) “Would you join me?”

    Forrest(agrees): “Yeah, fine with me. Ok, Max. See ya later.”
    You'd want to put a space between Forrest and (agrees) - it's a bit distracting and as it happens near every line it continues to be so throughout each chapter. Notice also that To Forrest' works better. (You wouldn't start a command or direction with 'wash dishes. walks away.' etc - you'd want to start it with a capital like a regular sentence so it doesn't look out-of-place next to the rest).
    (As they split up, the story divides into two parts that happen in one period of time, but the 1st one is with Max, and the 2nd with Randy and Forrest)
    Although such things may be good with a script I'm a bit unsure of this one; it seems a bit unnecessary here to explain it here.
    Caroline(looks at it): “That’s great!”(turns right) “Norman, come here! Max is calling and he earned a badge already!”
    Another example of the spacing issue, but another point is that you could maybe consider adding a bit more stage direction on how people react. Here we can tell she likes the badge and all, but maybe say having her gasp or stare at it, etc would also show the reader she's interested in it just that bit more, without stating it bluntly. Other exampls include characters saying stuff 'happily' - adding a bit more of what they do while speaking that would also show such things (smiling, or just some natural action) and establish said fact in a more interesting way. That said, don't overdo it.
    Professor Oak: “That’s great Max!
    Put a comma before 'Max' there as he's talking to him by name.
    Max: “It is. And I am n Dewford Now.”
    in, now.
    Ash: “Sure. And did he raised yours?”
    raise. Watch for small typos like this. Spell/grammar check would have likely picked up on these things too, so be sure to use those.
    Forrest: “Well, both of us started to get interested in Bug-Pokemon, and on our 10-th birthday,
    10th; no need for the hyphen. I'd say the same for Bug-Pokemon; just go with Bug Pokemon.
    Very soon this life started to bore me, but one day I met a girl, May, Max’s sister, I saw that she was free, no obligations and this inspired me to start travelling
    This sounds a bit unnatural. It's a run on sentence in that he's saying too much without any major pause in speech. Fine if say he is in a rush to speak or something, but this isn't the case here.
    Randy: “You know, I have a good bug-type Pokemon. And I want to train it by fighting your byg-type.”
    Earlier you referred to them as Bug Pokemon (on that note you could also go without hyphens here), but now you use bug-type. Either way is fine, but be sure to be consistent with it. That is, stick to one way or the other rather than use both.


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  16. #191
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    I don't usually read script fics because they can be very hard to pull off and they're not as easy as other people make them out to be. But I thought this was very well done, I have seen other fics around about Max's journey, and I think this one stands out because Max is in character and I liked the anime style atmosphere because it makes the story feel like another side of the canon universe. The format took time for me to get used to, but other than that I thought you did a good job.


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  17. #192
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    Great chapter! I think it was good that this time Forrest was the main character and not Max. It was good and refreshing change.
    I also think that you told well about Forrest's past. It was an interesting idea and you made it well. Flashbacks were cool and they told well about Forrest and Forrester and their love for Bug Pokemon.
    The ending was good and exciting. And it's good that Forrest battles now, since he hasn't so far battled almost at all.
    Welcome back Charizard! I've missed you so much! <3

  18. #193
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    Quote Originally Posted by bobandbill View Post
    Earlier you referred to them as Bug Pokemon (on that note you could also go without hyphens here), but now you use bug-type. Either way is fine, but be sure to be consistent with it.
    bobandbill, thanks very much for your time! You sure helped, but there is one thing that I put in a quote...
    Bug Pokemon was said by Forrest, and Bug Type was said by Randy. I mean that different people can call the same thing differently, don't you agree)
    Quote Originally Posted by C.Gholy View Post
    I don't usually read script fics because they can be very hard to pull off and they're not as easy as other people make them out to be. But I thought this was very well done, I have seen other fics around about Max's journey, and I think this one stands out because Max is in character and I liked the anime style atmosphere because it makes the story feel like another side of the canon universe. The format took time for me to get used to, but other than that I thought you did a good job.
    Thanks!)I hope you'll keep reading it)
    Quote Originally Posted by StarDestroyer View Post
    Great chapter! I think it was good that this time Forrest was the main character and not Max. It was good and refreshing change.
    I also think that you told well about Forrest's past. It was an interesting idea and you made it well. Flashbacks were cool and they told well about Forrest and Forrester and their love for Bug Pokemon.
    The ending was good and exciting. And it's good that Forrest battles now, since he hasn't so far battled almost at all.
    Thanks
    Yes, I remembered what somebody(not sure whom)said that I should let Forrest do something)So, that's why I did it(this chapter) about him, not Max.
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 17th August 2012 at 8:21 PM.

  19. #194

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    Interesting chapter, we get to see some background and flashbacks, which I enjoyed. Also I can't wait to see who wins this battle between Butterfree and Ledian in the next chapter. Good job so far.
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  20. #195
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    Quote Originally Posted by thedehydrator View Post
    Interesting chapter, we get to see some background and flashbacks, which I enjoyed. Also I can't wait to see who wins this battle between Butterfree and Ledian in the next chapter. Good job so far.
    I glad you enjoyed it)
    I hope I make the battle interesting)

  21. #196
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    This was a different chapter.
    Its nice to see companions of the main character have a main role once in a while, which you did.
    I would really like to see some character development for Forrest in a few chapters once in a while to give it that anime feel, mainly because I hardly notice him. Are you planning on giving Max another companion? Or are you just planning on keeping it as is? I'm fine with both. I hope some legendary pokemon appear and maybe some 3 chapter story arcs. Your fafic makes me predict, I can't help it! Oh, and maybe make the next one a little bit longer?
    I can't wait for next chapter!

    Ash: Now I choose you!
    Electro Ball!

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  22. #197
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ash&Pikachu-Fan View Post
    This was a different chapter.
    Its nice to see companions of the main character have a main role once in a while, which you did.
    I would really like to see some character development for Forrest in a few chapters once in a while to give it that anime feel, mainly because I hardly notice him. Are you planning on giving Max another companion? Or are you just planning on keeping it as is? I'm fine with both. I hope some legendary pokemon appear and maybe some 3 chapter story arcs. Your fafic makes me predict, I can't help it! Oh, and maybe make the next one a little bit longer?
    I can't wait for next chapter!
    Thanks!)Well, Forrest plays minor role in my fic, so I can focus on Max, but I wanted you to know his background)
    About traveling companions, neither of your choices. What do I mean? You'll see soon)
    About legendaries, sadly I don't have plans for them...(
    Well, I'll try to, but Gym battle will be long for sure)
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 18th August 2012 at 1:56 AM.

  23. #198
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    Hi once again! I tried to make this chapter very interesting as well(and a bit longer than the previous one), so check it out and I hope you like it

    The 15th Chapter: It’s getting buggy here!

    Max(gets interested in it and takes all of his Pokeballs): “Come out, everyone!”

    Treecko(looks refreshed and serious): “Treecko.”

    Mudkip(surprised): “Kip?”(sees Max) “Mud!”(and smiles)

    Taillow(gracefully flying in the air): “Taillow!”

    Max(looks at Taillow and tells it to come closer to him): “Come here, Taillow.”

    Taillow: “Low?”

    Max: “Since it is a battle between two flying Pokemon, I think that you can learn from them. So, look closely, ok?”

    Taillow(nods): “Low.”

    Max(stands in the middle of the battlefield): “Okay, Randy…”(looks at him) “Forrest, are you ready?”

    Both: “Sure!”

    Max: “Well, you can start battling…”

    Forrest: “Okay, Ledian, use Mach Punch!”

    Ledian: “Ledi!”

    (Its arms glowed lightblue and it headed into Butterfree)

    Randy: “Tackle it!”

    Butterfree: “Free…”

    (Butterfree prepared to strike the opponent with amazing speed. The two attack collide and these two bug Pokemon were soaring gracefully)

    Forrest: “Use Mach Punch once more!”

    (Ledian used the attack once more)

    Randy: “Tackle it again!”

    (As the two attacks collide once again, the power of both Pokémon’s attack seem to be equal. But judging by determined look on the faces of Randy and Forrest, both of them have tricks up their sleeve)

    Forrest: “Try your Swift attack!”

    Ledian: “Ledian! Ledi!...”(a lot of yellow stars came out of its flapping wings)

    Randy: “Use your Psybeam!”

    Butterfree: “Free!”

    (Butterfree unleashed a multi-coloured beam from its eyes and the two attacks collided)

    Forrest: “Okay. The time for the secret attack. Use Thunderpunch!”

    (Ledian’s arms glowed yellow and electricity sparkled from them)

    Max: “Thunderpunch?”

    Forrest: “Yeah. I felt that Ledian should overcome its flying type weakness and here we go!”

    Randy: “Not bad! But this is not so threatening for a trainer like me!”

    (as he waited for Ledian to come close and…)

    Randy: “Use Gust!”

    (Butterfree started flapping wings very quickly and very strong wind hit Ledian. Its Thunderpunch lost power and Ledian fell on the ground)

    Randy: “Use Sleep Powder!”

    Butterfree: “Free…”

    (Butterfree started to release blue, shining powder comes is released from its wings)

    Forrest: “Fly, Ledian!”

    Ledian: “Ledi-an…”(started flying, but Sleep Powder still hit it and it fell asleep)

    Randy: “Awesome! Finish it with Tackle!”

    (Butterfree started flying quickly)

    Forrest: “Get up now, Ledian!”

    Ledian(opened its eyes): “Ledi!” (flew up and dodged the attack as Butterfree hit the ground hard as it missed)

    Randy: “It recovered so fast from a sleep?”(said very surprisingly with emphasis on the last word)

    Max: “Have you heard about Early Bird Ability?”

    Randy: “Oh…I forgot about it!”

    Forrest: “You should be more careful…Use Thunderpunch!”

    (As Butterfree was still on the ground, Ledian hit it. Ledian flew up gracefully.)

    Randy: “Butterfree, please get up!”

    Butterfree(shaking): “Free…….”(flies up)

    Randy: “I knew you can do it!”

    Butterfree(turns to him and nods): “Free!”

    Randy: “Great, use Gust!”

    (Butterfree started flapping its wings but something hurt it inside and it fell on the ground again. It tried to get up, but useless, it was knocked out)

    Forrest: “We won! we won! Nice job, Ledian!”

    Ledian(flying close to him and smiling): “Ledi!”

    Randy(comes to Butterfree): “You were great! Take a long rest, Butterfree!”

    Butterfree(nods and says in a weak voice, still lying on the ground): “Free…”

    (As he returned Butterfree, he came to Forrest and congratulated him on winning)

    Max: “That was a great battle, guys!”

    Forrest: “Yes, it sure was, thanks!”

    Randy: “No problem!” (To Max) “Well, do you still want to train?”

    Max: “I sure do. And do you want to train your Pokemon, Randy?”

    (Randy looked at each Max with misunderstanding, thinking about what he said)

    Randy: “What do you mean?”

    Max: “Do you want to train your Squirtle? Just call it.”

    Randy: “Okay, Go, Squirtle!”

    Squirtle: “Squirtle!”(as it came out prepared this time and ready to go)

    Max: “Mudkip, pal, come closer to me!”

    Mudkip: “Kip!”

    Max(To Randy): “Look, can your Squirtle be a mentor for my Mudkip? I want to train its Water Gun.”

    Randy: “Well…Do you like this idea?”

    Squirtle(shows fingers in “all is fine” way): “Squirtle!”

    Max: “Okay, Squirtle and Mudkip, listen. Squirtle use Water Gun on this tree!”

    (Squirtle looked at Max, then at Randy, Randy nodded and Squirtle used it on the tree. Water pressure was good, so it made a dint there)

    Max: “That’s good. Now use your Water Gun, Mudkip!”

    Mudkip(jumps): “Mud!Kiippp!”(used it but with a slightly less power and a bit inaccurate)

    Squirtle(To Mudkip): “Squirtle…”(shakes its head, then uses its attack again, so Mudkip can learn)

    Max: “Thank you Squirtle! Keep teaching! Mudkip, keep training!”

    Squirtle(nods and winks): “Squirtle!”

    Max: “Now, Treecko and Taillow, listen, pals…I want to train your speed as well as power…So, you can smash rocks like this one” (points at a bolder nearby) “Or you can just try to compete in running. Ok?”

    (The Pokemon nod and start to run and compete with each other)

    Forrest: “That’s great! Keep it up!”

    (They have been training all the day and after Pokemon got tired(in a good way, so they can benefit from the training) they started to come back to Pokemon Center. But on their way they saw Brawley with a surfboard, who looked refreshed and in a good shape)

    Max(notices him): “Oh, it is Brawley!”

    Brawley(coming closer and seeing Max): “Oh, hi, dude! Prepared for the tomorrow match?”

    Max: “I sure am!”

    Brawley: “That’s good!”

    Max: “So, how was your competition today?”

    Brawley: “Oh, I was a judge…But if I took part in it, I would sure have won, without a doubt!”

    Randy: “But why do you take a surfboard if you were a judge?”

    Brawly: “I was training afterwards…”

    Randy: “I see. Okay, we need to go, good luck!”

    Brawly: “You too, dudes. See you tomorrow!”

    (As the day ends, Max feels very excited and he looks determined about his battle with Brawly)

    The end of the 15th Chapter.

    So, the next Chapter(s) is the gym battle, so I won't update soon as I need to write it at first)
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 18th August 2012 at 1:59 AM.

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    Location
    Finland
    Posts
    799

    Default

    Good chapter. The battle between Forrest and Randy was intense and good. I also liked it that Squirtle became Mudkip's mentor and that Mudkip has to improve it's Water Gun. It was good that Max did on-screen training, since there hasn't been much of it.
    It's also good that gym battle will be soon, I can't wait to see it.
    Welcome back Charizard! I've missed you so much! <3

  25. #200
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    510

    Default

    Hi

    Loved the Bug Battle! I liked how you steered away from Max for a chapter or two and told the readers about Forrest's background.

    Keep up the brillant work!
    Credit to Astral Shadow for the icon and SwornMetalhead for the banner.

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