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Thread: Flare and Volt: a tale of two brothers

  1. #1
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    Default Flare and Volt: a tale of two brothers

    This my first fanfic. I do not own Pokemon. Nintendo and gamefreak do. This is a story about two brothers, Flare and Volt surviving.
    If you are going to say if you like it or dislike it, please explain why. And remember, this is my first fanfic, and I will try to write it and get the chapters out quickly, but not too quick, otherwise it will suck. I may have laziness, but I will try to write this as much as I can. Rated PG-10 for destruction and the words I use.

    PM list:
        Spoiler:


    Flare and Volt: A Tale of Two Brothers

    Prologue
    "Hey guys, how are you?" Said an adult typhlosion, as the kids woke up.

    "We're good!" Said two young voices simultaneously.

    Suddenly, a riachu came into the bedrooms. "We have to evacuate! Now!" She exclaimed.

    "But what about—" the cyndaquil toddler started saying, but was cut off.

    "There's no time! We have to hurry!" The mom continued.

    Then a sudden BOOM came from outside, as they were running to evacuate.

    "Aghhhhhh, there's a giant floating green snake shooting red balls everywhere!" Announced the pichu as he saw it.

    Quite suddenly, the house was instantly destroyed by Draco Meteor. "NOO!" Shouted the cyndaquil.

    "RAYQUAZA, WHY ARE YOU ATTACKING US?!" Shouted Riachu, "why must you destroy our homes, and fam—" But she was cut off, for Draco Meteor hit her, and she was destroyed.

    "MOM!" Yelled three voices in unison. Next moment, Typhlosion was destroyed, and raquaza left. "What do we do now?" The kids asked each other.
    Last edited by Quimagma; 1st May 2013 at 11:41 PM.
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  2. #2
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    What an explosive start :O But it has the potential to turn into a great story! I like it so far, except for some capitalisation and spelling errors like 'RAQUAZA' and 'cyndaquil' instead of 'RAYQUAZA' and 'Cyndaquil'.
    Quote Originally Posted by BNator92
    shiny Klefki has the hidden ability GTA where you can jack cabs in Luminose City and transport yourself to various areas without a fee.
    ----
    Quote Originally Posted by HEB View Post
    I think Diancie is the regional mew not Hoopa. Hoopa is more like... Kami trio master or something...
    Quote Originally Posted by Excitable Boy View Post
    maybe it's a Pokemon and not a regional anything

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by ReshiZekyurem View Post
    What an explosive start :O But it has the potential to turn into a great story! I like it so far, except for some capitalisation errors.
    Oh, you mean for the names? Thanks for pointing that out, but that isn't their names, well, for the adults it is, and raquaza has a special part in the story that I won't reveal for a while

    And I apparently have to different Pokemon mating, typhlosion and riachu
    Also, can you tell me how to make a spoiler?
    Last edited by Quimagma; 21st April 2013 at 2:49 PM.
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  4. #4
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    Well, all right then. I edited my post^
    EDIT: and sorry i don't know how spoilers are made...The name of the Pokemon's species should be always in Capital. Also if Riachu is a name it should be Introduced as Riachu, a Raichu etc.
    Last edited by RzK; 21st April 2013 at 2:56 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by BNator92
    shiny Klefki has the hidden ability GTA where you can jack cabs in Luminose City and transport yourself to various areas without a fee.
    ----
    Quote Originally Posted by HEB View Post
    I think Diancie is the regional mew not Hoopa. Hoopa is more like... Kami trio master or something...
    Quote Originally Posted by Excitable Boy View Post
    maybe it's a Pokemon and not a regional anything

  5. #5
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    Do you want to be on the PM list? And can you tell me how to make a spoiler. And I saw the edit, but flare is cyndaquil, not cyndaquil is cyndaquil, and volt is pichu
    check out the quilava!



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  6. #6
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    Not bad for a first try. However, I think you should work on your dialogue and transitions. For example;
    "Aghhhhhh, there's a giant floating green snake shooting red balls everywhere!" Announced the pichu as he saw it.
    To me, the way Pichu said, uh, that is kinda... strange. When I do scenes like the above, I try to think about what I'd say. That way, it seems a little more realistic. As for transitions: saying "the next moment" and "suddenly" seems kinda repetitive and dull - at least imo. I'd suggest varying your transition words more. (Here's a list I use a lot.)

    Also, I see you attempted to centre your story. In order to do that, you have to use the centre BB code. ([CENTER][/CENTER]) Just a little tip.

    Anyways, I hope you apply this stuff to your next chapters! ^^ Good luck, and I'd love to read more.~

  7. #7
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    I know, but it should be 'Flare, the Cyndaquil and Volt, the Pichu instead of Flare, the cyndaquil and Volt, the pichu'. Trust me
    Quote Originally Posted by BNator92
    shiny Klefki has the hidden ability GTA where you can jack cabs in Luminose City and transport yourself to various areas without a fee.
    ----
    Quote Originally Posted by HEB View Post
    I think Diancie is the regional mew not Hoopa. Hoopa is more like... Kami trio master or something...
    Quote Originally Posted by Excitable Boy View Post
    maybe it's a Pokemon and not a regional anything

  8. #8
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    Ok, I'll take take this into consideration. But think about it, it's a really young pichu describing what's happening, not me, otherwise I would have said 'Rayquaza is using Draco Meteor on us!'

    Edit: if anybody is still waiting, here's chapter one:


    Chapter 1: The Discovery
    Four years after prologue, one year after evolution

    "Flare, get up!" Yelled Volt the Pikachu.

    Flare (who was a Quilava) starting stirring, "Wha's what?"

    Suddenly, Flare jumped at a nocking on the door. Volt however, seemed slightly used to it.

    They went to open it and found Dugtrio there. He asked: "My name is Paul, and I need help neighbor, can you get my son unstuck?"

    Volt replied with: "Sure we can." And they went outside.

    "He's over there, under that pile of rocks explained Paul.

    Flare and Volt went to work immediately, and got him out in no time, then went back home.

    "What do we do n—" Volt was cut off by a sound at the top of their cave. They realized what it was and ran to the field. A Bannete was there, waiting for a battle, along with a Spiritomb.

    "Ready?" Asked the Spiritomb, as they started battle.

    -Lava plume-
    -Shadow ball-
    -Thunderbolt-
    -Hypnosis-(Volt fell asleep)
    -Lava plume-

    And the battle ended with Spiritomb and Bannete K-O'd, and Flare waking up Volt, "Great battle," they all said together.

    Suddenly, —after they were at home— Flare felt a burning sensation and looked down. The amulet their father gave them was glowing. They wondered what it meant, when Volt realized something a few seconds later.

    "Tha— that's the Space Amulet!" Volt said suddenly

    Flare didn't understand: "uhhh, what's that supposed to mean?"

    "Well, the Space Amulet belonged to Rayquaza, and our parents stole it. It's supposed to be very valuable, and even let you use V-Create! And our parents stole it, but I don't know why it's glowing," Volt explained.

    "Are you telling me that this will let me use V-Create? Awesome!" Flare was suddenly excited.

    "Supposedly," Volt reminded him, and Flare's hopes went down a little bit.
    Last edited by Quimagma; 1st May 2013 at 11:39 PM.
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