Great Chapter, you are very consistent. Quick Question: Will you add a fictional gym leader any time? Considering it this is probably 2 years after his past Hoenn Journey.
My 3DS Friend Code is 4656-7001-6257
Spoiler:- Ghost Friend Safari:
Spoiler:- Hall of Fame:
I don't know about the fic gym leader, as I am not good at that. But I will introduce many new things, which were not in the Hoenn region when Ash forst travelled across it.
Interesting chapter with many surprising things and twists.
I was extremely surprised when Archie appeared but in a positive way. And I was very surprised for that as well that Team Aqua had become a "good" organization. Also, I think it's good that Max didn't trust him at first because it made sense.
That submarine things was surprising way to make Max go to the third gym before going to Pacifidlog Town. It was a good and surprising twist.
And of course it was good to see Mr. Briney and Peeko again.
I hope Maxie appears sooner or later in your fan-fic and I wonder if Team Aqua is planning something "evil" again.
Welcome back Charizard! I've missed you so much! <3
Hi everyone!) Here is my new chapter with a lot of things happening, and many characters you're familiar with from Ash's journeys)
I hope you'll like it!)And comment on it, so I can know how to improve
The 21st Chapter: Electric road showdown!
(Max heads on his way to Mauville city and he is planning to challenge the gym leader there. While Max leaves Slateport City behind him, he sees the humongous house with yellow walls and purple roof. The house is painted everywhere.)
Max: “What is this building?” (Comes closer to it.) “Oh, I think it is the trick master’s building! I wonder what tricks is he up to this time!”
(As Max comes to the door, he sees that a note on the door.)
Max (reads it.): “I am leaving on a journey of discovery. A quest in search of new tricks. Later.”
“Oh well…So, no tricks for today, I guess. Well, let’s go on.”
(Max goes ahead and enters the road with many grassy areas and trees. Also he sees the cycling road about 5 meters above the grass and the sea. It goes not in straight line, so it rises above grass in the beginning and then it spreads above the sea. Max also hears the noise of bicycle chains and sees many cyclists riding. Then he continues to go on his way and sees that two electric Pokemon run out of the trees playing with each other and touching each others tails, which made a light blue sparkling every time they did that.)
Max: “Oh! Plusle and Minun!” (Takes Pokedex and points at them.)
Pokedex: “Plusle, the Cheering Pokémon. Plusle always supports its teammates, giving celebratory sparks when a teammate does well.” (Continues)
“Minun, the Cheering Pokémon. Minun cares more for its teammates than for itself, sending off showers of sparks while cheering them on.”
Max: “They are cool Pokemon, but not for me. They are good for contests, though.”
(Goes ahead and after some time he hears the whisper: the cyclist jumps off the road accidentally and luckily for him, he lands in the water. He swims out of the water. Max looks at a boy in a blue T-shirt, red shorts and a blue cyclist cap on him.)
Max: “Hey, are you alright?”
Cyclist: “Yeah, I am fine. Luckily, I landed into the water.” (Takes off the cap and shakes it then puts it on.) “By the way, My name is Benjamin.”
Max: “Nice to see you, Max is the name. You know, be careful next time.”
Benjamin: “I will, thanks! So, where are you going, Max?”
Max: “To Mauville City. To challenge the gym leader.”
Benjamin (exclaims happily): “So, you are a trainer!”
Max: “Well, yeah.”
Benjamin: “Finally, I found a trainer. You know, I am bored to battle all cyclists with their electric Pokemon. You do have other types, don’t you?”
Max: “Yeah, I have other types of Pokemon.”
Benjamin: “Do you feel like…Erm… battling with me?”
Max: “Okay, a practice before gym battle won’t hurt.”
(As they prepare for a battle, Max is thinking about what Pokemon to choose.)
Max (is thinking): “Taillow and Grovyle have battled before…Well, I guess…” (Takes the Pokeball and throws it.)
Benjamin (grins): “A water type, huh? In that case, I choose Electrike!”
(A small, green, dog-like Pokémon with yellow markings appear.)
Max: “It’s Electrike!” (Takes the Dex and points at it.)
Pokedex: “Electrike, the Lightning Pokémon. Using the electric charge stored in its fur, it can run faster than the eye can follow.”
Benjamin: “Are you sure you want to stick with Mudkip?”
Max: “My Mudkip is strong, so don’t underestimate it!”
Benjamin: “Ok, let’s start the show! Use Howl!”
Electrike: “Eleck.” (Closes eyes, raises head and howls) “Triiike!”
Max: “Use Tackle!”
Mudkip (nods): “Mud!”
(Mudkips strikes Electrike.)
Electrike (takes the hit): “Electrike…”
Mudkip (jumps happily): “Mudkip!”
Benjamin: “Now, use Charge, Electrike!”
(Electrike's body becomes surrounded by yellow sparks as it gathers electricity in its body.)
Max: “That won’t stop us. Use Water Gun!”
Mudkip: “Mudkip!” (Breathes and blasts water right into Electrike’s face. Electrike is hurt, but suddenly it grins and it surprises Mudkip)
Benjamin: “Use Spark!”
(Yellow sparks surround Electrike's body and it runs towards Mudkip.)
Max: “Dodge it, Mudkip!”
(Mudkip hears it, but it looks with frightened wide-opened eyes at electricity that surrounds Electrike and shakes. It can’t move, and Electrike strikes Mudkip, knocking it out.)
Max: “What happened? Mudkip, pal, are you all right?”
Mudkip (opens eyes and says in a weak voice.): “Muud…” (And falls on Max’s arms.)
Max: “Oh no, I should take it quickly to the Pokemon Center.”
Benjamin: “Return Electrike.” (Comes to Max) “I am very sorry.”
Max: “It’s not your fault. I didn’t know that Mudkip will act this way, I wonder what is with it.”
Benjamin: “It is afraid of electric type moves. I noticed that.”
Max: “Yeah, I think so.” (Looks at Mudkip) “Okay, let’s run.”
Benjamin: “I have a better idea. Let’s ride on my bicycle, it must have been dry already, and it has enough place for two. Just sit behind me.”
(They sit on the black bike with black stripes and a sticker of Manectric on it. Max sits behind Benjamin and they quickly drive towards the Pokemon Center. Max spots a large cave that is on an island near the cycling road.)
Max: “What is that?”
Benjamin: “It is a cave, but I don’t know what is in it.”
(They finally reach Mauville City, and one of the first buildings they meet is a white two-floor building with a large red “P” letter on the roof. It is a Pokemon Center. Max runs in it and sees a Nurse Joy.)
Max (deeps hardly): “Nurse Joy, my Mudkip is very hurt, help it please!” (Gives her Mudkip.)
Nurse Joy: “Oh, poor Mudkip. What happened?”
Max: “It was hit hardly by a Spark attack.”
Nurse Joy: “Oh...I’ll take and cure it. Come for it a bit later.”
Max: “Okay, thanks Nurse Joy!”
Nurse Joy: “Oh, I haven’t done anything yet.”
Benjamin: “Max, sorry once again. I have to go now. I told my Mom that I'll come home soon.”
Max: “It’s okay. Thanks for the help, bye.”
(Max goes out and walks some time when suddenly hears the noises and sees a lot of electrical sparks blasting high in the air. He comes to see what is going on and sees a blue-haired teenager in orange jacket, black sneakers and black jeans. His Raichu is standing in front of Elekid, who is hurt, but for some reason is standing and doesn’t do anything. )
???: “Raichu, use Thunder, and charge Elekid!”
Raichu: “Chu! Rai!” (Gathers electricity in its cheecks, and then strikes a lightning bolt into Elekid.)
???: “Now Elekid, try to use your Thunderbolt!”
Elekid: “Bii!” (Starts spinning its arms...but nothing happens. Elekid looks exhausted.)
???: “Raichu, use Thunder again!”
(The same process repeats, but this time Elekid falls on the ground.)
???: “You are useless Pokemon! I don’t need an Electric Pokemon who can’t use Electric attacks.” (Goes, but gets interrupted by Max)
Max: “What are you doing? You can’t treat your Pokemon this way!”
???: “Oh yeah? I am treating Pokemon how I like it!” (Answers arrogantly.)
Max (asks angrily): “Really? Who are you?”
???: “Who me? Full out with Electric power, the superlightning man of the hour, and one to know, Mr. Sho! ”
Max (confused): “I didn’t understand a single word.”
Sho: “That’s not my prob. Till’ later.” (leaves.)
Max (looks at Elekid): “I can’t leave you like that. I’ll take care of you.”
(Goes to the Pokemon Center again.)
Nurse Joy: “What happened this time?”
Max: “Nurse Joy, the trainer of its Elekid ruthlessly treated him and weakened it.”
Nurse Joy: “Oh my...I’ll examine it.”
Max: “Can I go with you?”
Nurse Joy: “Yeah, I think so.”
(They go into the room with many beds and Pokemon resting on them. Max sees his Mudkip who sleeps deeply.)
Nurse Joy: “It will be as good as new after the rest.”
(Then she takes the medical devices and examines Elekid.)
Nurse Joy: “I think that I can’t tell much on it.”
Max (exclaims): “So, what should we do?”
Nurse Joy: “Don’t worry, I have an idea.”
(They go to a videophone, and Nurse Joy makes a call. The old man with gray hair and big gray beard answers her.)
Nurse Joy: “Mr. Wattson, I need your help. Look at that poor Pokemon!”
Wattson: “I see. So, how can I help you?”
Nurse Joy: “Can you examine it? I don’t know what the problem is.”
Wattson: “Sure. Take it to my Gym. I’ll be standing near the entrance waiting for you.”
Nurse Joy: “Okay.” (To Max) “Can you take it to Wattson?”
Max: “Yeah, you can count on me.”
(Max runs across many buildings in the city and sees the large yellow building with a lightning sign on it. He sees Wattson, who is standing near it. Max runs and Wattson notices him.)
Wattson: “Hi! This must be the Elekid Nurse Joy was talking about.”
Max: “Yeah, help it please.”
Wattson: “Okay, let’s go into the Gym.”
Max (frightened): “Will it be safe? I mean won’t we be riding on Platforms?”
Wattson: “How do you know about that?”
Max: “I have been here before, with a friend, Ash.”
Wattson: “Ash, I certainly remember him. So, I will show you the safe way. Actually, we’ll go through another entrance.”
(As they go into it, Wattson sees his assistant and they Put Elekid near the huge Electric Machine.)
Max: “So, what is up with Elekid?”
Watt (Wattson’s assistant): “It is having a discharge. And that is the reason why it can’t generate any electricity. We’ll use this power-up machine, designed specifically for Electric Pokemon. And will charge it.”
Max: “That’s great.”
(Watt attaches cords to Elekid and Wattson turns on the Machine, which starts making noise and the electricity goes through this cords and charges Elekid. In the middle of the process, the electricity and lights shut down, but the light appears again.)
Max: “What’s that?”
Wattson: “I have a feeling that a generator’s electricity is shut down.” (looks at the monitor) “Yes, the electricity from generator stopped coming.”
Watt: “So, we need to recharge it.”
Wattson: “Exactly.”(To Max) “Max, I should ask you to go to New Mauville on an errand for me and Elekid. You should go and turn on the power of the generator. Otherwise, the Elekid will be sick.”
Max: “Yeah, but where is New Mauville?”
Wattson: “It is the island near Mauville City. You’ll see a cave on it, there will be a generator inside. There are Electric Pokemon there, but they are friendly.”
Max: “Oh, I saw this cave! Okay, I’ll go there.”
(Max goes there, but first, he goes into the Pokemon Center. Nurse Joy says that Mudkip is fine now, and she gives it to Max.)
Nurse Joy: “It will recover soon. But no battles for today, okay?”
(Then Max tells what happened to Elekid and goes to the New Mauville.)
The end of the 21st Chapter.
Last edited by RealRaymon; 3rd September 2012 at 6:05 AM.
this chapter made me sad abit cause how the elekid been treated
this reminds me of the tepig episode an the chimchar episode an how they both abanden there pokemon
I also like the fact your useing new mavile like in the game
an I have a question what was the point of the battle if max was gonna loose miserabely
ow can you add me to the pm list
an I hope mudkip gets over his fear soon
I really liked the chapter, how you put the electike being treated, like how Ash got Charmander. Max is getting electrike right? I hope so. Although I wish mudkip would have won the battle.
White friend code: 0347 5916 2191
Black 2 friend code: 0820 1802 1694
Great chapter. I kind of think you should have added more to the end. "(Then Max tells what happened to Elekid and goes to New Mauville.)" just isn't enough if you ask me. Maybe it would have been better if you added the conversation and made Max say he was going or something like that. And now, it is time for my annoying rants about grammar
"(Max goes some time and enters the road with many grassy areas and trees. Also he sees the cycling road about 5 meters above the grass and the sea. It goes not in straight line, so it rises above grass in the beginning and then it spreads above the sea. Max also hears the noise of bicycle chains and sees many cyclists riding. Then he continues to go on his way and sees that two electric Pokemon run out of the trees playing with each other and touching each others tails, which made a light blue sparkling every time they did that.)"
What does "goes some time" mean?
Make "It goes not in straight line," "It does not go in a straight line,"
(Goes ahead and after some time he hears the whisper. The cyclist jumps off the road accidentally and luckily for him, he lands in the water. It swims out of the water. Max looks at a boy in a blue T-shirt, red Shirts and a blue cyclist cap on him.)
"hears the whisper." What whisper?
"It swims out of the water." Is he not a human?
"red Shirts" Red shorts. And uncapatilize the "S"
Max: “We can dodge it. Dodge it, Mudkip!”
I think you should make it "Dodge it, Mudkip!"
(They sit on the black bike with black stripes and a stick of Manectric on it. Max sits behind Benjamin and they quickly drive towards the Pokemon Center. Max spots the large cave that is on an island near the cycling road.)
What is a stick of Manetric?
You already said that they sat down on the bike.
Make it "Max spots a large cave"
Benjamin: “Max, sorry once again. I have to go now. I told my Mom to come home soon.”
He told his mom that she needed to come home?
Nurse Joy: “Can you examine it. I don’t know what the problem is.”
Don't forget about punctuation! It should be "Can you examine it?"
Wattson: “Hi! This is must be the Elekid Nurse Jo was talking about.”
Add the "y" to Nurse Joy
Max (frightened): “Will it be safe. I mean won’t we be riding on Platforms?”
Platforms doesn't need to be capatalized.
Watt (Wattson’s assistant): “It having a discharge. And that is the reason why it can’t generate any electricity. We’ll use this power-up machine, designed specifically for Electric Pokemon. And will charge it.”
Make this entire dialog "It is having a discharge. And that is why it can't generate any electricity. We'll use this power-up machine, designed specifically for charging electric pokemon."
Max: “What’s that.”
Dont forget the question mark!
Anger the Blaziken, and you get BURNED
Example of the above:
YOU: Hey Blaziken, your ugly!
BLAZIKEN: .......JO FACE!(burnnned)
I can't believe you remembered Sho! But like, the only reason he would want one is if he had Electabuzz and Electivire, because he is only interested in poke-families. So like, will Sho appear again?
I'll add you, sure
About its fear, it will get over it very soon.
Anyway, thanks for the comment)
And I meant not stick, but sticker. About the end, yeah, maybe I rushed it a bit.
Anyways, thank you as well
I think he will, but I am not sure when.
In this chapter I noticed some very careless mistakes.It seems the grammar quality has degraded again from your last few chapters.But it was good to see Sho again.I think he is the same one who was in the Sinnoh episode"Pika and Goliath' if I'm not wrong.It would be interesting If he becomes a rival to Max and in the League,he is down to his Raichu(It seems to be his signature Pokemon) while Max only has Electivire(assuming it evolves) left and it defeats it.It is good that Mudkip is afraid of electricity as it will give him some personality.it would be good if it and Elekid have a love-hate kind of emotion like Ash's Grovyle and Corphish had.
Some grammatical mistakes that I noticed apart from those which ultimateblaziken11 noted are:
it should be 'to'Wattson: “Sure. Take it t my Gym. I’ll be standing near the entrance waiting for you.”
'is' and 'must be' don't come together.Use either one.Preferably must be.Wattson: “Hi! This is must be the Elekid Nurse Joy was talking about.”
Spoiler:- Completed and Current Playthroughs:
And yeah, you are right, ut's Sho from that episode. And thanks, very good suggestion about Raichu vs Electivire.
And I corrected these mistakes
This chapter was well written, with much better description (like Electrike being a bit cunning) and I like the addition of a couple of subplots - Mudkip's fear and fixing the generator. While I think Mudkip's fear is a bit random (as it had no foreshadowing before, like cowering at a storm or something, and Max has had him for a while), it was good that you described how Mudkip reacted rather than just saying it was scared. Also, is Sho the Raichu guy from Sinnoh? What is he doing in Hoenn? I think it'd be good to explain that - he could be looking for a rare Pokemon, sightseeing at Mauville, or visiting a friend, for example. I don't think he was abusive either (judging by a profile, he's arrogant and selfish, yes, but not outright abusive); which makes it just look to me like you are only doing this so Max gets an Elekid. In future, I'd recommend trying to get Max Pokemon in a way that seems more natural for all characters involved.
Are you still stuck on team members? Remember, you don't have to stick with just six (seven or eight could add more variety without being loads more difficult to handle), nor do you have to stick with the traditional Fire/Water/Grass trio. I'd recommend, for one, choosing a Pokemon that has a very different appearance (perhaps bulkier or rounder, judging by your signature) or personality to his existing party, or choosing a Pokemon that a very strategic person like Max would pick. Just look through the list and figure it out. (And what's wrong with 'girly' or 'evil' looking Pokemon? I mean, you could have the Vulpix be a total tomboy or the Houndour be the nicest member on his team. It's not just all about appearance!)
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Thanks for the comment! I appreciate it.
So what?) Mudkip has never faced an Electric Pokemon in battle, so it makes sense.While I think Mudkip's fear is a bit random (as it had no foreshadowing before, like cowering at a storm or something, and Max has had him for a while)
Glad you liked it, thanks)it was good that you described how Mudkip reacted rather than just saying it was scared.
Yeah.Also, is Sho the Raichu guy from Sinnoh?
Well, you see, Max was trying to prevent him from hurting Elekid. He didn't want to know anything about Sho at that moment, if I was him, I haven't asked what is he doing (collecting rare Pokemon, etc.) and why is he in Hoenn either.What is he doing in Hoenn? I think it'd be good to explain that - he could be looking for a rare Pokemon, sightseeing at Mauville, or visiting a friend, for example.
He is not that abusive, but he was very angry at something, and, moreover, we haven't seen Sho much, so I thought I can make him not bad(but a little bit abusive). And, okay, I'll take your reccomendation into account.I don't think he was abusive either (judging by a profile, he's arrogant and selfish, yes, but not outright abusive); which makes it just look to me like you are only doing this so Max gets an Elekid. In future, I'd recommend trying to get Max Pokemon in a way that seems more natural for all characters involved.
That's funny I mean the fact, that even in the Show writers can't handle more than 6 Pokemon well. Do we see Palpitoad, Leavanny, Boldore or Unfeazant often? Well, I think that Fire?Water and Grass are appealing to everyone, but I'll think about it too. Even though, I have chosen the 6th Pokemon for Max's team.Are you still stuck on team members? Remember, you don't have to stick with just six (seven or eight could add more variety without being loads more difficult to handle), nor do you have to stick with the traditional Fire/Water/Grass trio.
With girly? nothing, because Max will have Ralts soon.(And what's wrong with 'girly' or 'evil' looking Pokemon? I mean, you could have the Vulpix be a total tomboy or the Houndour be the nicest member on his team. It's not just all about appearance!)
Evil? I don't like Evil-like Pokemon, that's me, and I have my oen opinion. That's it.
Anyway, thanks, I hope you can comment more, because I like how you comment.
Hey, first of all i want to say sorry, i have been reading this fic just not commenting. Well that last chapter was one of the best so far. I liked the battle between Max and Benjamin, you described how the pokemon used the moves and how they reacted when hit. I really disliked how elekid was been treated and glad max decided to help him out. And the appearance watson was also good, i assume after max travels to new mauville that the gym battle happens. I am glad that treecko/grovyle aren't getting all the attention any more. I'm glad mudkip battled even though he had a type disadvantage. I look forward to reading more, and i presume thats not all we'll see of elekid. This is a brilliant fic, i love it because it is styled like the anime but with better story lines =)
The almighty Turtwig is my claim
3DS Friend Code: 2621-3316-5077 (Paddy)
If any one has a spare Lopunite could you PM me and we shall negotiate a trade!
yeah, you are right. The gym battle is after New Mauville. I liked the fact that I imroved on dividing the time between Pokemon more or less equally, and about Mudkip, it has a fear for electricity for a reason. I won't spoil you the plot of next chapter, though. And that is not all for Elekid.
thanks again and I hope you will comment more often, I really liked this one
And what do you mean by ''with better storylines than in the anime''? Why do you think so?)
You spend time putting effort into your fic, yes? You are doing things the way you want to, right?
The anime on the other hand selects the gyms from the game ex: rs dp bw. Gets ash through them, end of story. Bad fillers in between. As longs as you don't keep this linear, it will continue to be excellent. Basically, do not just put the gyms in and no real fillers. You put problems and diversions for max to face, which makes it more exciting. I look forward to reading more after this =D
The almighty Turtwig is my claim
3DS Friend Code: 2621-3316-5077 (Paddy)
If any one has a spare Lopunite could you PM me and we shall negotiate a trade!
Max finally suffered his first loss. It's good that he didn't win this time because it would unrealistic if Max wouldn't ever lose. It's good if he wins most of his battles in future but make sure he loses sometimes.
I liked Sho appearing in your fan-fic. However, I think he was a bit out of character: He has shown to arrogant but not as cruel as he was in your fan-fic. When Ash' Pikachu defeated his Raichu, he admitted that Ash's Pikachu is strong and that he was wrong.
I liked Max taking care of Elekid and I'm pretty sure that that's the Elekid Max is gonna get.
I was disappointed when Max learned that he has to go to New Mauville before being able to challenge Wattson's gym but I quess Max getting Elekid later makes it up.
Also, this is not really a criticism to your chapter but it is an advice for you: Make sure you show on-screen training quite often. I understand you can't show it always but make sure you show it often. Some chapters could start that way that Max is training.
And I hope that Team Aqua and (if Team Magma appear) Team Magma will often appear. I really wonder whether or not Team Aqua has changed.
Welcome back Charizard! I've missed you so much! <3
Yeah, I really try to make filers interesting, but I am not sure whether readers consider them interesting or not.
Yeah, he can't always win.
Well, I understand that I made Sho cruel, but we've never seen him training other Pokemon than Raichu.
Abiut Max's training...I think that I describe all of his life here, and you see that he more battles than trains. But, I think that battles train Pokemon as well. But I will try to make him train more.
About Elekid, well, you'll see
Well, frankly speaking, I don't have big plans for neither of these teams. I am not good so far with introducing villians(
hey, sorry for not posting recently i've been a tad busy
I really liked how you added the fear of electricity for mudkip, it gave him a bit more character and i'm looking forwar to how it gets over it (marshtomp?)
Like has been pointed out before, however, the grammar is dropping again but i trust you will get back to your best quickly
but some more great stuff
Last edited by infernape100; 8th September 2012 at 3:25 PM.
Everything seems normal, with Joe and Adam venturing on their quest through Kanto, but what is the mysterious Team Storm planning?
Pokemon: Kanto Legends
Come on the Mighty Infernape!
I like Max as a character and was a fan of him in the anime, so I'm interested in how you'll handle that and his character and expand upon his plot since we really didn't hear of him after the AG saga ended. I'm gonna be honest with you, you need a lot of work and improvement. This might be Chapter 1, but all around I can see pretty poorly done things. I hope I don't sound rude or like a jerk. Misplaced punctuation for one and the grammar, you really need to clean it up. Secondly, your description is just poor.
What does it look like? Flygon, Ice Beam, and Aggron?(Aggron releases Ice beam, Drake command Flygon to dodge, but it is too tired and it is hit and Flygon is knocked out)
Your description is bone-dry. You can do better than that, you really really can.
You need to add a little meat to your story's description, paint a picture like as if I was in Max's place. I'm not a fan of the script form dialogue either. Many lines are rife with mistakes. Your formatting, your grammar, your spelling ("mudkid"?), your puncuation...all needs work.Aggron stood mighty, huffing in a deep breath of air and upon opening its mouth unleashed a furious blast of a cold blast that flew toward Flygon. The Dragon Pokemon breathed heavily and did its best to evade the dangerous attack, but it was just too fatigued as was promptly blasted by the Ice-type move. Slamming against the ground painfully, it was all over for Flygon as the referee announced it was unable to continue.
Other than that, I'm not surprised Max chose Treecko. That was what he was going for in the anime if he became a trainer, nice job sticking to canon and I'm looking forward to how the next chapter is handled.
I’d choose you. In a hundred lifetimes,
in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality,
I’d find you and I’d C H O O S E Y O U!
Man, I appreciate your time. You have written about the very first chapter, about the poor grammar, spelling, etc.
I have written more than twenty chapters from that time, and I improved my writing skills. But to demonstrate it to you, I have rewritten the first chapter as well. Enjoy it now!)
Last edited by RealRaymon; 29th September 2012 at 10:10 AM.
I am very happy that I finally post a new chapter. That were really busy three weeks at my university, and, unfortunately, the things won't get better for me in a while..
As for good, here is my new Chapter, guys! Enjoy it!)
The 22nd Chapter: Fight your fear, Mudkip!
(Max is on his way to the New Mauville, he runs to the place near the Cycling Road and sees that a New Mauville is a small Island with a cave on it.)
Max: "So, here is the New Mauville. I wonder how am I supposed to go there?"
(Looks at the water near the Island and sees a small sandy path that leads all the way to the island.)
Max (shouts): "That's great! I can go there!"
(He enters the path and carefully walks on it. It takes him about ten minutes to reach the island.)
Max (wipes sweat as he is tired) "Whew..." (Looks at the large cave with a metallic door at the entrance.) "Oh, I see a door here."
(Max looks at the door and sees many buttons on it, where is a little screen, so Max should write a certain combination of numbers to get in.)
Max (surprised) "What should I do?" (After a short thought he came up with an idea)
"Oh yeah, I can use my PokeNav and call Wattson!"
(Max takes a PokeNav out of his bag and enters a CONTACTS menu. And soon enough he finds PokeCenters numbers)
Max (after a quick thought): "I should call to Nurse Joy and ask her to connect me with Wattson." (calls Nurse Joy)
(It doesn't take long for Nurse Joy to answer Max.)
Nurse Joy: "Oh, hi again? So, how is it going?"
Max (hesitates): "Ehhm...I...Actually, I need to enter the password on the door in the New Mauville...Can you connect me with Mr. Wattson somehow?"
Nurse Joy: "Well, I think so...just wait few seconds."(Starts doing something on her videophone and very soon after Max's screen on PokeNav starts showing Wattson."
Wattson (Wonders): "Hey Max, what happened to you?"
Max: "Actually, I don't know the password on the Metallic door at the entrance."
Wattson: "So, this is the problem?" (Makes a pause and then suddenly...) "Ahahahaha!"
(Laughs loudly and then says) "I actually removed the password a long time ago. Have you tried to pull the door?"
Max (makes a very surprised face): "No. I'll try to do it now."
Wattson: "Ok. I'll wait."
Max (just pulls the door and opens it): "Yeah! I opened it. Thank you."
Wattson: "No problem. I'll be checking your location and if something happens just give me a signal by calling me back. Do you see my number on the top of your screen?"
(Max looks at the number that is shown on the top of the screen, a bit higher than the image of Wattson.)
Max: "Yeah, I see it."
Wattson: "Ok. If any problem, just call me back."
Max (nods): "Understood."
(Max opens the door and sees a lot of lightened rooms and paths. These rooms have steel walls and halls with nothing inside these halls, except some cords that provide electricity.)
Max: "I wonder why generator isn't working. Electricity is stable here."
(Max sees two rolling objects passing nearby. They look like Pokeballs.)
Max (happy that he saw Pokemon): "Voltorb! Let's check it!" (Quickly takes his Pokedex and points it at Voltorb..)
Pokedex: " Voltorb. The ball Pokemon. This mysterious Pokémon uses strong Electric attacks, and is often found near power plants. Voltorb may also explode without warning."
Max: "Great! I have always wanted to catch one!"
Voltorb (turns to Max , looks angrily at him and starts glowing yellow): "Vol-torb-voltorb..."
Max (quickly changes his mind.): "I'll catch it next time..." (Runs away in the next hall.)
(Max enters new hall, sees nothing, except a magnet on the floor.)
Max: "A magnet? I guess it can be useful." (Takes and puts it in his bag.)
(Enters another hall ad sees Four Pokemon, which are floating in the air. They look like magnets. They spot Max and quickly turn back and fly to another room.)
Max: "Hey, stop!" (Tries to chase them, and while he is running, he uses his Pokedex's help to find some information about these Pokemon.)
Pokedex: " Magnemite, the Magnet Pokémon. It's able to float through the air and leave its Thunder Wave through its magnet shaped units located on its sides."
Max: "I wonder what's up with them?!"
(Magnemite finally reach the largest room in the cave, but the generator is not there. Max sees that these four Magnemites float near the Three-Magnet Pokemon. Max looks at their eyes and sees that they are half-closed and under some condition, close to a hypnosis. They angrily look at Max and Max sees that the Three-Magnet Pokemon starts charging electricity.)
???: "Magne-ton. Magne..." (Uses Thunderbolt on Max.)
Max (dodges): "Oh yeah? I'll show this Magneton who is a boss here!" (Takes his Pokeball and throws it) "Grovyle, I need your help!"
Grovyle (comes out of a Pokeball and stands in a cool pose) "Grovyle."
Max (yells): "Grovyle, use Leaf Blade!"
Grovyle (jumps) "Grov!"
(Grovyle's leafs on arms glow light green and he hits Magneton, giving it a hard time."
Magneton: "Magnet..." (starts charging light blue electricity in its magnets and uses Thunder Wave.)
Max: "Don't let it! Use Bullet Seed!"
(Grovyle counters Thunder Wave, and its attack seems to get the upper hand when Four Thunder Waves hit it. Grovyle becomes immobilized andis unable to move.)
Max: "Oh no, Grovyle! Hmm...Okay, Taillow, I choose you!"
Max: "Use Wing Attack spin combination!"
(While Taillow starts spinning, Max quickly takes his PokeNav and calls back to Wattson.)
Max (to Wattson): "Help, I have problems here!"
Wattson: "What? Ok, I'm on my way!"
Max (Looking at Taillow): "Use it on Magneton!"
Taillow (shouts): "Lo-o-ow!" (Hits Magneton and knocks it out.)
Max: "Great, Now use Aerial Ace on these Magnemite!"
(Taillow started flying at the left Magnemite, and before hitting suddenly disappeared, and hit Magnemite and knocked it out. But then, it was hit by two Thunderbolts and was knocked out as well.)
Max (dissapointed): "Oh..."
Grovyle (tries to move): "Grov! Grov...!" (But is still unable to do anything as one of Magnemites is still using Thunder Wave on it.)
Max (is thinking): "Well, the only Pokemon I have is Mudkip." (And then remembers what Nurse Joy has said to him)
Nurse Joy: “Mudkip will recover soon. But no battles for today, okay?”
Max (looking down and almost crying): "I know that you are weak, but I need you, Mudkip." (Takes Mudkip's Pokeball and throws it.) "Go!"
Mudkip (looking healthy, but a little bit tired): "Mud!"
Max: "I really need you pal!"
Mudkip (nods and looks desired and eager to help): "Kip!"
Max: "Use Water Gun on all of Magnemite!"
Mudkip: "Mud. Kiip!" (Blasts water and hits all Magnemites, hurting them.)
Grovyle: "Grov!" (Starts to move, but is still under the Thunder Wave.)
Max: "Use Water Gun again!"
(Mudkip Starts to use another Water Gun, when suddenly it is hit by a strong electrical attack from the left side. Max sees that Magneton starts recovering. Mudkip falls on the ground, but stands up with all the energy it has.)
Max (thinks) "Ehhh...I am not sure if Mudkip can handle it anymore." (yells) "Mudkip, use Water Gun on Magneton!"
Mudkip: "Mud" (takes a breath) "Kip!!" (hits Magneton and makes him fall again.)
Mudkip: "Mu-u-ud!" (Mudkip is hit by a Thunder Wave. It suffers and is too frightened to do anything.)
Max (shouts): "No, Mudkip!" (Runs to save it and tries to free it by gets paralysed himself by the third Magnemite's Thunder Wave.)
Max: "Mudkip!! I'll save you!"
Mudkip (cries, but after Max's words stops being frightened and shouts very loudly): "Muudkipp!!"
(Magnemite stop the attack and Max see that Mudkip starts glowing white.)
Max: "Could it be?"
The end of the 22nd Chapter.
Last edited by RealRaymon; 29th September 2012 at 11:59 PM.
Like always, it was a good chapter, and cliffhangers are nice.
Anyway, Magneton starts standing up? I thought Magneton float? Other than this, there were only minor grammatical errors.
And it doesn't matter how long it takes to get a chapter done, as long as you still have fun making them, and it doesn't cut into things that also need to be done.