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Thread: Max's New Adventures

  1. #476
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    Chimchar! There is a poacher in sootopolis, so max and ash team up to beat the poacher before he goes to sinnoh to steal the rest of the chimchars from snow point city.

  2. #477
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pokemon,master View Post
    Chimchar! There is a poacher in sootopolis, so max and ash team up to beat the poacher before he goes to sinnoh to steal the rest of the chimchars from snow point city.
    LOlz . I guess you already have a plot for your own story
    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    what about hondour, torkal, slugma or magby?
    I don't like hounfour and houndoum for their design, torkoal is Ash's Pokemon and Slugma is not a string Pokemon.

    But I can see Max with Magby. And I can see him with a Numel. Camerupt was never seen in the league before.
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 25th December 2012 at 7:19 PM.

  3. #478
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    He could use it at the league and confuse opponents some could beat them! USE CHIMCHAR!

  4. #479
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pokemon,master View Post
    He could use it at the league and confuse opponents some could beat them! USE CHIMCHAR!
    I'll be happy too, but Chinchar is already a very popular and well-known Pokemon
    + I don't think...no, I am sure that Chimchar don't live in the Hoenn region

  5. #480
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    No a poacher could bring it over to his boss, who is in hoenn, and the boss wants more, so the poacher is about to get on the ferry, when ash recognizes him from sinnoh.
    Last edited by LAWLZ FUNNY MAN; 26th December 2012 at 4:55 AM.

  6. #481

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    Quote Originally Posted by RealRaymon View Post
    P.S. A question to all of you! guys, which fire Pokemon do you think I should give Max?
    Cyndaquil!! I love Cyndaquil, maybe he can get an egg like Dawn? If not I can see him with a Magby too (:

    Quote Originally Posted by RealRaymon View Post
    Vulpix is kind of "For girls" Pokemon.
    Brock had a Vulpix o:

    Black 2 team

    Soul Silver Team


    - Under Construction-



        Spoiler:- tumblr:

  7. #482
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    Finally back to fulfill your review request! Sorry about the wait.

    And, well, the harshness of this review because… honestly? I’m going to have to disagree with everyone by saying it’s just not doing it for me.

    I have to say that in terms of plot, the chapters I’ve missed were okay. Sure, you got more descriptive in your battles, but there were also a few times I had to cringe. For example, the part during the battle versus Wattson wherein the Pokémon stare each other down before one of them finally faints? That just sounded too generically anime. Sure, you want to capture the essence of the show, but you say you’re working hard to make the battle great. I’d hate to say it this way, but a battle isn’t really great until it brings something new and different to the table. Having a battle end exactly the same way as we’ve seen matches end in the anime just isn’t new or different. It’s just doing what the anime is doing, and unfortunately, the anime isn’t exactly well-respected for its creativity.

    Same thing goes for the Cassidy and Butch scene. You have them steal electricity for their boss (which… doesn’t entirely make sense because they’re Pokémon thieves and because it’s not like Team Rocket’s headquarters needs stored electricity anyway) and then get blasted off. It happens in literally five minutes, so there’s no real build-up to the reveal of their plot besides the fact that Max goes into New Mauville because something’s wrong down there. You don’t show us Cassidy and Butch setting things up, and you don’t let them pull evil shenanigans for more than a few lines (not including their motto) before the Pokémon of New Mauville blast them into the air. It feels a lot like they’re there for no particular reason because besides the fact that they practically shut New Mauville down, they don’t really make much of an impact on the plot. You could have just as easily replaced them with anything else (Electric-types eating the electricity somewhere along the line, a cut wire preventing electricity from being transmitted, even Grimer blocking the intake pipe if you want to think of this as a hydroelectric plant… or if you want to take examples directly from the show again), and it would have still made sense.

    I could keep going and point out all the parts that just felt too generic to me, but the point is, there’s still a lot to your plot that either feels like it happens for no reason (like the Cassidy and Butch scene) or feels like you’re just taking cues from the show. If you want to be great, you’re going to have to be very careful in your planning. Don’t have things happen for no reason. If you bring in a set of characters (like Cassidy and Butch), have them be there for a reason that impacts Max’s overall plot — as in, have them be a constant presence, not a one-off plot point. Likewise, break away from the source material. Yes, you should respect canon, but if you take too much from the show, it ends up feeling as if not much of what’s going on is yours. You’ve got to take bigger risks than just having a match end in a draw. You’ve got to be creative with your moves and your descriptions.

    However, I will say that one thing that’s improved since I reviewed this last is the fact that the story feels like it has more of a plot besides “Max goes around and earns badges like a generic new trainer.” Yes, it’s interesting to see Max wanting to go find Ralts now. The main issue is that it’s taken a backseat to everything else so far, so up until this particular chapter, it’s felt like Max is primarily going around to earn badges and just happens to be on a quest to find Ralts, rather than like Max is primarily on a quest to find Ralts and just happens to be earning badges at the same time. That’s an issue because it feels like you’re still trapped in the generic new trainer fic mindset, but you’re tacking the Ralts plot on as an afterthought. Of course, this chapter represents a shift in Max’s priorities, so it’s hard to say whether or not that feeling will continue in future episodes. I’m just saying that the feeling exists so far, so that’s something that you’ll want to be aware of.

    With that said, let’s talk about this chapter, shall we?

    (Max is shown in the Pokemon Center, chatting with his parents.)
    One of the things to be aware of is something called the passive voice. It’s when you use a form of “be” (like is) and a verb instead of an action verb (a verb by itself). Passive voice tends to be weaker than active voice (the action verb), meaning it doesn’t give a reader quite as strong of a mental image. In this case, sure, we see Max talking with his parents, but it would be much, much stronger if you said something like, “Max sits in the Pokémon Center and talks to his parents.” That way, we can clearly see what Max is doing, rather than feel like we’re simply being told that’s what he’s doing.

    That’s particularly important for scripts because stage directions are all about actions. They’re telling actors (or animators) what to do when. If you just say “he’s being shown,” that doesn’t tell them what you want them to do at the beginning of the scene.

    Moreover, this seems rather redundant anyway because the dialogue shows us that he’s chatting with his parents. Remember what I said earlier about not including stage directions if you make that action obvious later? This is one of those cases. You don’t need to tell us that he’s chatting with his parents. We can already tell by reading Norman and Caroline’s lines.

    (Turns back and looks for somebody.)
    Not to confuse you, but stage directions that are attached to dialogue lines don’t need to be capitalized or punctuated unless you’re writing out full sentences.

    a black haired
    Hyphenate “black-haired.” The reason why is because it’s serving as a single adjective.

    boy with a red cap comes out…
    You don’t need an ellipsis. This sentence has a definite end and doesn’t trail off, so it needs a stronger end than what an ellipsis indicates.

    Max is stunned and is happy to see him.)
    Again, this is made obvious by Max’s lines, so you don’t need to tell us this.

    Ash: "I am glad to see you, Max!
    I find it odd that Ash isn’t using contractions here. Ash’s speech is normally extremely casual, so he’s very prone to using contractions (or even lopping off ends of words, which you don’t need to indicate but just saying). With script fics, you have to be extra careful about getting a character’s speech habits down right because you actually have to be more conscious of characterization than someone who’s writing prose. Why? Because like I said, scripts are all about telling other people how to act in addition to showing them a story. So you have to be very careful in how you present your characters because you’re basically telling someone who’s playing Ash what sort of person Ash is.

    Norman (To Ash): "Let me take it from here." (To Max) "These tournaments are specialized on a single type of Pokemon, so each trainer in each battle are allowed to use only one type of Pokemon throughout the tourney.”
    Why couldn’t Ash explain this? That might help prevent this explanation from sticking out too much. Right now, it seems abrupt, like those moments I told you about earlier where you’d show us information and then immediately change topics. In this case, it feels like specialty tournaments are being built up to be the focus of the chapter because multiple people are talking about it, but it’s not. However, if Ash talked about it and was the only one to explain what they were, that would read as Ash simply being excited about the tournament. It would be in-character too. Of course Ash would go off and talk about something exciting that he was doing because he’s a very excitable character, so of course he’d feel the need to tell Max all about his latest challenge.

    Caroline (from the other room): "Norman, dear, help me to take the flour from the shelf.”
    One of the reasons why people have been telling you to get a beta is less because of your spelling and grammar and more because of your language usage. Right now, it’s sort of obvious that English isn’t your first language (if I may put that gently) because you still write a lot of things that are technically grammatically correct but not correct when it comes to how people speak in English. So while there’s nothing to correct in terms of the sentence structure, it still feels awkward to someone who speaks the language fluently.

    In this case, “take the flour” is too vague, and no one says things like that because of how vague it is for a command. A reader might think Norman is going to take a bag of flour from the shelf, but it could also mean to a reader that Norman is going to take flour directly from the shelf (as in, it spilled, and someone has to clean it up). How would a native speaker say this command?

    Caroline: “Norman, dear, help me get the flour down.”

    She’s most likely standing by the shelf anyway, so she’ll point out where it is as soon as he gets there. That being said, this is a lot clearer to a reader because it conjures a mental image of a flour bag out of Caroline’s reach, so she needs Norman to get it for her, rather than that he needs to clean it up.

    Of course, many native English speakers would actually ask instead of command, so the line could also be this:

    Caroline: “Norman, dear, could you help me get the flour?”

    This also avoids the pesky preposition-at-the-end-of-a-sentence problem, but it still preserves the clarity that is Caroline can’t get the (bag of) flour herself and needs Norman’s help.

    Like I said, things like this are actually why you need a beta. Yes, you’ve went on and on about how this story is your own, but there’s two things to remember:

    1. Even native English speakers use beta readers.
    2. There are some things you won’t learn via textbooks or guides. There’s a lot of nuances to the English language, and really, only someone who will work with you closely before you post can help you with that. It’s unfair to readers to force them to read awkwardly written lines and expect them to correct your use of English for you after you post a chapter; that’s not what reviewers are for. Reviewers are meant to help you develop your abilities when you’ve submitted the best work you can. Submitting awkwardly worded English because you refuse to work with a beta reader isn’t submitting the best work you possibly can because you haven’t exhausted all your resources to clean your chapters up.

    In short, I’m sorry, but saying you refuse to get a beta reader because you want your work to be your own doesn’t sit well with me at all. Betas do the exact same thing reviewers do before you release chapters so that reviewers don’t have to wade through errors and point them out for you. That way, your audiences can focus on the story instead of stop and say to themselves, “That is a really awkward line.”

    Yes, I know that you have fans and that you’re trying to please them, but if you asked me, you’re clearly trying to please people who won’t immediately tell you that you did an awesome job. Not to be blunt about it. Just averting a row we’ve had earlier.

    Ash: "You can count on me!
    Another awkward point of English: this is a phrase that’s only used if someone is being asked (in the sense of being commanded) to do something. For example, if I asked you to get the next chapter up in a day, you can respond with “you can count on me” because you’re telling me that you’re reliable and that you can get what I asked you to do done when I wanted you to do it. In this case, it doesn’t really make sense for Ash to say it because Max isn’t telling him to go to Sootopolis. He’s asking him if it’s actually possible for Ash to be there in a short time frame, so Ash has no reason to tell Max that he’s reliable.

    Ash: "That's awesome job, Max!”
    That’s an awesome job. You’ll need the article before the adjective because it sounds awkward otherwise.

    Max: "Thanks! Ash, can you call my Mom, please?”
    Words like “mom” and “dad” only get capitalized if they can be replaced by the person’s name. For example, if you can replace “Mom” with “Caroline” in this sentence and still have it make sense, you can capitalize it. However, doing so here would result in “can you call my Caroline,” which reads awkwardly. Therefore, you shouldn’t capitalize it.

    (Walks in the other room.)
    Walks to the other room. Or into. He’s not there yet, so he can’t walk in the other room unless he can teleport.

    Caroline (smiles): "Sure!" (Comes to the videophone) "Yeah, Max?”
    “Yeah” might be too informal for this situation, and it might therefore cause Caroline to sound like she’s brushing Max off. Try “yes” instead.

    "Yeah! She's been really busy, she has 4 ribbons by now.”
    Write out all numbers from zero to one hundred.

    Also, try the period trick. Remember how I suggested that every time you write a comma, you should replace it with a period first and see if you get two sentences as a result? (If not, you’re welcome.) In this case, replacing the comma with a period results in two complete sentences — ones that make sense on their own. Because of that, you’re going to have to make a decision on how to punctuate this line so you can avoid a run-on (which is a legitimate grammatical error, not just one about nuances).

    "A-a-a-aww... Oh, I am worn out."
    This seems rather abrupt. Max was fine (even excited) up until this point, so it reads a lot like you were trying to find a way to end the conversation because you had nothing else to have the characters say. I would suggest drawing out the conversation a bit more until you get to a more natural end. Think about the way you talk to someone on the phone or over a chat program. What kinds of things get you off the line?

    Caroline: "Oh, I understand, good night dear!”
    Another instance of a comma splice. In this case, “I understand” and “good night” are actually two separate, complete thoughts, so that’s why they need a period between them.

    Also, you’re missing a comma for your direct address. As in, a comma needs to be after “night” because “dear” is a word indicating Caroline is addressing Max directly. You separate direct address with a comma.

    Ash: "Bye Max!”
    Same thing here.

    Max: "Bye everyone!”
    And here.

    (Turns off the videophone and comes to a Nurse Joy)
    Goes to. Again, “comes to” isn’t something a native speaker would say unless:

    1. The character is already traveling and happens to come across someone (and even then, you need “across” for it to make sense).
    2. Sex is involved.

    So… yeah. To avoid awkward situations, be careful about how English speakers would phrase what they have to say. Different words in different contexts may have slang or informal meanings, so it’s up to you as an author to be aware of that and to know how to avoid saying the wrong thing in the wrong situation. It’s not up to a reader to correct you or to fix your work mentally so they can understand what you were actually trying to say.

    “Hi, Nurse Joy!!”
    This is what I meant by direct address, by the way. This sentence is written correctly, with the comma in its proper place.

    Nurse Joy: “Hi Max!
    …But then you drop the comma usage for some reason.

    Max: “I won a badge, thanks Nurse Joy for healing my Pokemon!.”
    Another comma splice. Also, you don’t need a period at the very end of this line.

    Nurse Joy (smiles): “Oh, no problem! And you know, we have free rooms upstairs.”
    Why would she need to tell him this? Sure, he might be obviously tired, but this tends to be a given. That’s why it’s probably never brought up in the show.

    (Chansey shows him the room.)
    Because of how quickly this happens, this actually conjures a hilarious mental image (of Chansey being on a game show showing contestant Max a room briefly). Be very careful in how quickly you’re going. Have Chansey take the time to lead Max out of the main room and to the upstairs location to indicate a slight shift in time and setting. That way, you avoid unintentional hilarity.

    Max: “Thanks Chansey!”
    Direct address.

    (Max lies in his bed and turns the light off.
    Again, if you’re writing stage directions, tell us about all the actions a character is taking. Don’t just say “lies in his bed” right after speaking with Chansey because that indicates he has teleportation powers. Instead, tell us he walks to his bed and flops down (which also tells an actor or animator how tired he is, allowing them to portray him correctly), possibly while including that Chansey is leaving (to avoid implying that Chansey is watching him sleep like the creeper I’m hoping she’s not).

    Max can't fall asleep, he remembers himself and Ralts.)
    Comma splice.

    “Goodbye Ralts, you take care.
    Comma splice and direct address.

    (Raltstarts
    Remember to proofread before posting, regardless of whether or not you get a beta reader. That way, you can avoid awkward typos that are pretty easy to work out by yourself, like this moment when one word is trying to eat the other.

    crying, runs and jumps into Max’s hands.)
    I would suggest actually writing a compound sentence here. As in, instead of listing off actions, insert a conjunction (and, but, or, for, nor, yet, so) and a subject right after the comma. The reason why is you’re actually going into a new train of thought (what Ralts does after crying), so it reads as if it’s a separate entity. That is, it sort of reads awkwardly as it is, but it’d read much better if you said, “Ralts starts crying, and it runs and jumps into Max’s hands.” (Possibly with a little extra dressing — like a “then” in the second half of the sentence — to show us when or how it runs and jumps.)

    (Gardevoir, Kirlia, Ash, Brock and May alongside with Nurse Joy
    Why isn’t Nurse Joy separated from the list of characters present? It might read a bit less awkwardly if you just included her (as in, said something like “Gardevoir, Kirlia, Ash, Brock, May, and Nurse Joy”). Right now, she’s floating off to the side for some reason.

    That and “alongside with” doesn’t make sense in English. You either have “alongside” by itself (to indicate where they’re standing) or “along with” (to indicate who’s there as well) but not both. I will also tell you right now that “along with” is incredibly redundant because of what I said a moment ago (about how there’s really no reason why Nurse Joy should be separated from the other characters). “Alongside,” meanwhile, literally tells us where in proximity to the Nurse Joy the others are standing, so I’m not pretty sure that’s not what you meant.

    stand near a Pokemon Center and a wind takes leaves by a blow.
    First and foremost, try the period trick here by replacing the conjunction (“and” in this case) with a period. Notice that you get two complete sentences as a result? That’s your cue to add a comma somewhere in this line so that you can separate one complete thought from another.

    Second, this is another situation where you have a line that native English speakers wouldn’t actually say. We don’t say “by a blow” at all; we say things like “a wind blows leaves around.”

    In fact, I think it’s safe to say that our usage of “take” is pretty limited. It’s actually a rather vague verb unless it’s being used for its literal purpose (as in, unless it’s being used exactly as it’s defined in the dictionary, even when it’s in an idiom). While we’re no strangers to vague phrases (e.g., passive voice), we don’t use generally use words that don’t entirely fit our situation when we’ve got plenty of other words that do.

    Ralts (doesn’t want to go)
    It’s clear that Ralts doesn’t want to go because of how it reacts. Use the stage direction to tell us what its voice sounds like, rather than what its intent is.

    Also, you’re missing a colon ( : ) here.

    (answers with a serious voice):
    Again, it’s clear that he’s answering, so you don’t need to tell us that. You do need to tell us his tone, but you can easily say that with “seriously” or “in a serious voice.” (Hint: I would suggest using an adverb here.)

    But we don’t have the other choice. What do you think when I become older and maybe you want to travel with me?”
    This is another instance where you have a character say a line that sounds incredibly awkward and unnatural to a native English speaker (and therefore another example of why you need a beta reader). No one would say things like “don’t have the other choice” or “when I become older,” and having “maybe you want to travel with me” as a question immediately marks you as someone who’s unfamiliar with the way English works. (Not to be blunt about it, but that kind of sentence structure is actually stereotypical for caricatures of people who aren’t fluent in English. You end up making fun of your character by having them speak that way… or worse, you make fun of yourself if you have them do it unintentionally.)

    What we do say is “don’t have any other choice” and “when I get older.” We also say, “Would you want to travel with me?” We also say, “Maybe you could travel with me” (as in, making it into a statement).

    Either way, it strikes me as odd that you phrased things yourself because you could have just as easily gone to the episode (as it’s dubbed in English) and copied Max’s lines word-for-word. Sure, you want this work to be your own, but you’re also writing a flashback to an episode. It’d be awkward not to have the line written exactly as it is in the show because, well, you’re showing us what happened in the show. That and it would have helped you avoid incredibly awkward phrasing.

    Max (happy too): “That’s awesome, so you can hope me to coming back some day.”
    Comma splice. Also, this is awkward phrasing. No one says “hope me to,” and we certainly don’t use gerunds (verb ending in ing) with the word “to” (because that’s mixing together verb forms). We do say things like, “You can count on me to come back someday.” (Yes, “someday” is one word in this case.) We also say things like, “I’ll come back for you someday,” which I think is closer to what he actually says in the show.

    Ralts (tells Max):
    It’s clear who Ralts is addressing thanks to what it actually says, so you don’t need to say, “tells Max.”

    “Promise me Max, promise that you’ll come back to take me.”
    Comma splice and direct address.

    Also, very awkward use of “take” because to an English speaker, that says Ralts is hoping to be kidnapped. English speakers in this situation would probably say something along the lines of, “Promise that you’ll come back to get me” or (more appropriately in order to avoid implying that Ralts wants to be murdered) “Promise that you’ll come back for me.”

    …But again, you could have just lifted their lines from the episode.

    “Yes Ralts!
    Direct address.

    I promise you to come back for you!
    Awkward wording. Drop the first “you,” and it’d be a bit better. English speakers don’t really say, “I promise you to [insert promise here].” We say things like, “I promise you that I will [insert something here].” It’s just because we like to emphasize who’s making the promise whenever we make one. That and, well, it’s just never said the way you’ve written it (with the receiver of the promise written just before an infinitive).

    Max: “I gave it a promise”.
    “I made a promise.” (You can have “it” after “made,” but that tends to be a rarer sentence structure.) English speakers don’t give people promises. We make them.

    Also, I’m not sure why the period is hanging out outside of the quotation marks, but you may want to look into that.

    (Makes a pause and says with a deep voice).
    Same thing (about the period) here.

    Also, this is awkwardly worded too. English speakers do not make a pause. They just pause.

    Max (takes the clothes up):
    …What?

    No, actually, that’s a legitimate question. Is he getting dressed? Is he shoving clothes into his satchel (especially given that you didn’t mention him getting dressed before going to bed anyway, and we don’t see him wearing pajamas in the show)? Is he literally taking clothes somewhere? What’s going on in that stage direction?

    Max: "Good morning, Nurse Joy!”
    Another example of direct address done correctly. I thought it’d be worth it to point it out, just so you’d have an example of how it works. Also, I’m hoping that by seeing when you do punctuate direct address correctly, you can start to think about how you see the rules. Think about why you added a comma here and apply the same rule to the other sentences I pointed out.

    Nurse Joy: "Best of luck to you!”
    This feels rather abrupt. I mean, I’m pretty sure Nurse Joy didn’t know about the Ralts (or isn’t aware of what Max means by finding his friend), so it’s awkward that all she has to say is “best of luck” with enthusiasm. There’s no confusion here, no attempt to help Max, nothing that would make it clear that this moment (wherein she appears and wishes him luck) has to be in this scene.

    Max: "Thanks a lot!" (Comes out of the Pokemon Center.)

    (Max comes out
    Be careful about being redundant. In this case, you say that Max is coming out of the Pokémon Center, and literally the next thing you say right after that describes Max coming out of the Pokémon Center. I would drop the stage direction immediately after what Max says if you need help figuring out how to work out the redundancy, if only because the next line is actually a lot stronger.

    and sees a boy in a blue T-shirt, red shirts
    This boy is wearing multiple shirts?

    (Pretty sure you mean “shorts” here, but that was the first thought I had when I read that line.)

    Max (exclaims): "Benjamin!”
    Because Benjamin was already introduced in a past episode, I don’t think you need to describe him. Even then, the description is so vague and generic that I actually thought this was a brand-new character that you were about to have ambush Max. (As in, it didn’t give readers any sense that this was actually a specific character because those details could have been attached to anyone — or in other words, you didn’t provide any specific details that could indicate that this character was one we met before.)

    Max: "Great, I've earned my third badge!”
    Comma splice, actually. The “great” is a complete thought because it answers Benjamin’s question directly.

    Max: "Ahh...that's ok…
    Spell out “okay.” It’s too informal (in terms of writing) otherwise.

    Benjamin: "Yeah, but still..”
    Ellipses need at least three dots. They never use just two.

    Max (thinks):
    Unless Max suddenly has telepathy, drop the “thinks.” If you want to show us that he’s being thoughtful or contemplative, say “contemplative” instead. Right now, this stage direction reads less like something telling us how you want his line to be spoken and more like an actual action, so you’re saying that he’s thinking that line, rather than saying it out loud.

    (They sit on Benjamin's bike and they head to Slateport City.)
    Try the period trick again. These are actually two separate thoughts, so you’ll need a comma here.


    So, let’s talk about how it did overall. I don’t have many comments about plot because, well, there wasn’t much going on here. Ash was introduced formally, and he’s announced that he’s going to be competing in a Hoenn-based tournament. Okay, so that sets up a meeting later. Meanwhile, Max decides to go find Ralts, but that’s something he’s said in a previous chapter. It was rather easy to figure out who Ash was before he was actually named (even if your description wasn’t that detailed), so there really weren’t that many plot twists or reveals here. It was, as you’ve said, just a filler chapter, but it felt like it was a filler chapter that was lacking. The only real bit of new and important information it provided was the fact that Ash is in Hoenn. That’s… really not much. Even filler episodes in the show usually have more going on besides a few lines of a phone conversation and a flashback.

    In terms of characterization, there’s still not that much going on. I felt that Ash was a bit off because he let himself get interrupted by Norman, which prevented his excitement from shining through. Also, when he spoke, he sounded weirdly stiff and formal for Ash, but that was in part because of the way you delivered his lines. Nurse Joy didn’t really serve much of a purpose in this chapter, and while Max was much better than he was in past chapters, much of the reason why has to do with the fact that there was a lot of emotion in the flashback — as in, in the scene that already happened in canon.

    A lot of what messed up the chapter, though, was its delivery, if you don’t mind me saying. You still have a lot of issues with commas, and it looks like you could proofread a bit more thoroughly (what with the Raltstarts bit and all).

    More importantly, there’s a lot of issues with nuances and redundancy. For nuances, like I said, there’s a lot of delicacy in the English language. You had a lot of phrases that English speakers just don’t say, and that caused a lot of your dialogue and stage directions to feel awkward, unnatural, and sometimes even wooden. These are issues that can be very disruptive to readers or at least affect the way they enjoy your work. These are also issues that you won’t be able to work out on your own unless you’re incredibly fluent with the English language or working with someone who is. Right now, while your English isn’t super terrible, it’s also not up to snuff to proofread for these things yourself. I can say that because if it was up to snuff, I wouldn’t have to say, “English speakers wouldn’t say something like this.” And I mean that in the gentlest way possible, for serious. I know there's not that many tactful ways to put that, but I really do feel like this is a problem that you probably wouldn't spot on your own. I mean, I know it's difficult working with a foreign language, and nuances are pretty much the hardest thing to master, even when you've got the actual grammar and spelling down pat. It's difficult to say when the nuances part of English will become natural to you, but I can tell right now that you're struggling with it and can definitely use outside help.

    That’s why you should be working with a beta reader — because there are things you wouldn’t be able to figure out on your own because language books and websites won’t teach you those kinds of lessons. A native speaker or a fluent speaker will be able to tell you before you post whether or not the things you’re writing sound natural, and that will help you work out the parts of your work that are right now actually disruptive and preventing it from being as good as it can be.

    Meanwhile, with your stage directions, you just have to ask yourself whether or not your readers can figure out what you’re about to write just by looking at the context. For example, if Max is leaving a Pokémon Center, you don’t need to say it twice, and if it’s obvious that Max is happy just by what he says, you don’t need to say so.

    Also? Let me be blunt for a second.

    P.S. I have a feeling that right now I am actually writing a better story than writers themselves
    Forgive me if I'm missing a bit of light-heartedness, buuuuut that may not be that difficult, though. And even then, there's a lot of differences. For example, Jessie and James actually had an effect on the plot; Butch and Cassidy were only in the fic just to serve as the plot point for one scene. The rest (such as the battle) read just like the anime, so I’m actually of the opinion that I’d get a story of equal quality out of watching the show, only the dialogue would feel a lot more natural and the characters would feel like they have a major purpose in the overall plot. No offense intended, of course. Just saying that if you have to compare yourself to the writers of any canon, you had better be sure that your work brings something new and different to the table while doing an amazing job with plot and characterization. Right now, I’m just not feeling it.

    Point is, you’ve got to knock it off with the bragging. I don’t know, for example, where you won that award, but it’s not from Serebii’s because we haven’t even held it yet. (We haven’t even done nominations, and the ballots that were submitted by mistake already didn’t even nominate you. Seriously, where did that even come from?) I know you’re looking for support, but it’s really off-putting, if I may say so. It says to a potential reviewer that you already think your work is amazing, and that doesn’t advertise well for the experienced ones because usually when people show that they think their work is already amazing, they’re also usually super-resistant to feedback. Not only that, but also, it makes you look like an amateur (not saying you are one, just that you could look like one) because you have to insist that your story is anything more than mediocre instead of letting it speak for itself. I’ve already told you all this, even, which is probably why I'm so frustrated by seeing it crop up again.

    Simply put, you’ve got to let your work speak for itself. Don’t brag or hype it up because the more you do that, the more that reflects badly on you as a writer. Take compliments gracefully (read: without bragging). It'll definitely help you out in the end, I think.


    With all of that said, honestly? You’re a good guy, Real, but I stand by what I said earlier about your writing. It just isn’t doing it for me. Your plot is generic, your characterization is sparse, your description seems to be good in some places and lacking in others (like the displays of Max’s amazing teleportation skills), and the number one thing that was killing your story when I last reviewed it — the way you used the language — is still an issue now. I’m sorry, but I’m just not that interested. And I’d be happy to help, but given how much you’ve been going on about how your story is great/how you’re the best fic writer of 2012/et cetera and resisting probably the only solution to your biggest problem, I’m not sure how much you can benefit from my help unless I actually beta read for you… which I’m thinking is probably not going to be do-able, both because of your aversion to beta readers and because of my schedule.

    Sorry.
    Last edited by JX Valentine; 25th December 2012 at 10:14 PM.

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  8. #483
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    JX Valentine, I really appreciate your time. I have read your review, and I'll comment on it as soon as possible, thanks. The only thing I am going to reply now (sorry, today I am a bit busy) is this paragraph:
    And I’d be happy to help, but given how much you’ve been going on about how your story is great/how you’re the best fic writer of 2012/et cetera and resisting probably the only solution to your biggest problem, I’m not sure how much you can benefit from my help unless I actually beta read for you… which I’m thinking is probably not going to be do-able, both because of your aversion to beta readers and because of my schedule.
    Well, the award was given to me in Miscellaneous Discussion. I have to sorry about bragging. Yeah, it took me off a bit, and I won't praise my work (let the work show that it is good by itself thing).
    About the solution, you mean that I resist to find a beta reader?
    Well, I am really sorry that you don't have much free time
    I wish you'll have more spare time.
    And I also wish you happy holidays!

    P.S. I'll reply on the whole review later)

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    Quote Originally Posted by RealRaymon View Post
    Well, the award was given to me in Miscellaneous Discussion.
    That explains a lot.

    If I may say so, wait until the Serebii fic awards in that case. The Miscellaneous awards... seem a little fishy to me. I mean, why would they hold their awards in December, for example, when there could very well be contenders that show up later on in the year? Not to mention any thread that actually declares itself to be a popularity contest... meh. *shrug*

    Besides, with the fic awards you'll be going up against fellow writers -- not to mention you'll be nominated and voted for by fellow writers as well (meaning people who are active in this category or have a keener eye will be scrutinizing you), so it'll be a fairer fight and a harder-earned title. So if you get best fic author there, it's a pretty heavy compliment.

    About the solution, you mean that I resist to find a beta reader?
    *nods* Yep. Pretty much. I mean, last I checked, you weren't looking into beta readers because you wanted your story to be your own. The problem is there's a lot of things you won't be able to fix on your own right now (like I said in an edit, sorry about that) because they require someone who knows the language on an intimate level to work out. So you need someone who's either incredibly fluent or native to work with you.

    Well, I am really sorry that you don't have much free time
    Eh, no worries about it. Grad school and all. Part of the description of a grad student is "someone who has no free time," unfortunately. Luckily, I'm using the break to catch up on everything, so hopefully, I'll actually have time for myself soon. Thanks for the concern, though!

    And I also wish you happy holidays!
    Aww, you too.
    Last edited by JX Valentine; 25th December 2012 at 11:08 PM.

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  10. #485
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    I love the ideabof max getting an egg with a fire type in it and dont think magby is the best choice since its counterpart is Numel.
    Egg ideas:
    Charmander
    Growlithe
    Chimchar
    Tepig
    Darumaka
    Heatmor - not an egg though
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    Quote Originally Posted by Xragon View Post
    I love the ideabof max getting an egg with a fire type in it and dont think magby is the best choice since its counterpart is Numel.
    Egg ideas:
    Charmander
    Growlithe
    Chimchar
    Tepig
    Darumaka
    Heatmor - not an egg though
    So, what about Numel?

    charmander is awesome, but Charizard is one and only Ash's
    I don't like Growlithe that much)
    chimchar was an overused pokemon back in sinnoh
    about last three...don't like Onova fire types(except Litwick line)that much

    so, I am thinking between Snorunt, Charmander, Numel and Growlithe I guess

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    Errrm how about these?

    An eevee which evolves in Flareon
    Magby
    Torkoal
    Slugma
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    Real you can give Max a Larvesta as a fire type from an egg similar to how the character in Black/White gets the Larvesta Egg.It could be a new problem as Larvesta is a weak Pokemon as such and learns few moves.It can maybe evolve towards the start of the Hoenn league giving him a powerhouse Pokemon.It could sort of work as a mystery for Ash himself as he has not been to Hoenn yet in your fic.

    If you decline the idea you can always go with Houndour,Magby or Growlithe.But I don't understand why do you think that Vulpix won't suit Max because its a feminine Pokemon.Max will get Ralts which has a feminine evolutionary line unless it evolves into a Gallade.
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    I think Max would suit Magby the best as he already has Elekid, they are seen as version exclusives and i just think having both of them on the same team would be cool =). Second choice for me would be numel, as it is a gen 3 pokemon and very cool.
    (You could just pull a Kanto/Johto Ash and give him a torchic bred from may's or something =P)
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    First of all, my promise. I promised to reply to you, JX Valentine
    I won't be harsh, don't worry
    Finally back to fulfill your review request! Sorry about the wait.
    I have to say that in terms of plot, the chapters I’ve missed were okay. Sure, you got more descriptive in your battles, but there were also a few times I had to cringe. For example, the part during the battle versus Wattson wherein the Pokémon stare each other down before one of them finally faints? That just sounded too generically anime. Sure, you want to capture the essence of the show, but you say you’re working hard to make the battle great. I’d hate to say it this way, but a battle isn’t really great until it brings something new and different to the table. Having a battle end exactly the same way as we’ve seen matches end in the anime just isn’t new or different. It’s just doing what the anime is doing, and unfortunately, the anime isn’t exactly well-respected for its creativity.
    I agree with you. but I mentioned earlier that I am trying hard to create a feeling like people watching anime, so that's why I use a lot of things exactly like in it. As for new and different, I try new places, new strategies that Max uses (Mud Shot on the ground), Specialty tournament that will be.
    Same thing goes for the Cassidy and Butch scene. You have them steal electricity for their boss (which… doesn’t entirely make sense because they’re Pokémon thieves and because it’s not like Team Rocket’s headquarters needs stored electricity anyway) and then get blasted off. It happens in literally five minutes, so there’s no real build-up to the reveal of their plot besides the fact that Max goes into New Mauville because something’s wrong down there. You don’t show us Cassidy and Butch setting things up, and you don’t let them pull evil shenanigans for more than a few lines (not including their motto) before the Pokémon of New Mauville blast them into the air. It feels a lot like they’re there for no particular reason because besides the fact that they practically shut New Mauville down, they don’t really make much of an impact on the plot. You could have just as easily replaced them with anything else (Electric-types eating the electricity somewhere along the line, a cut wire preventing electricity from being transmitted, even Grimer blocking the intake pipe if you want to think of this as a hydroelectric plant… or if you want to take examples directly from the show again), and it would have still made sense.
    Well, it was never mentioned whether or not they are Pokemon thieves. So, I decided I could use them to steal electricity, which is not needed for the headquarters, but for special mission in Unova. I think I mentioned it somewhere. You see, they did a lot of shenanigans before they get blasted off. Max have been fighting hypnotized (because of them) electric Pokemon for a whole Chapter.
    It is a very nice idea, too bad I didn't think of it myself.
    I could keep going and point out all the parts that just felt too generic to me, but the point is, there’s still a lot to your plot that either feels like it happens for no reason (like the Cassidy and Butch scene) or feels like you’re just taking cues from the show. If you want to be great, you’re going to have to be very careful in your planning. Don’t have things happen for no reason. If you bring in a set of characters (like Cassidy and Butch), have them be there for a reason that impacts Max’s overall plot — as in, have them be a constant presence, not a one-off plot point. Likewise, break away from the source material. Yes, you should respect canon, but if you take too much from the show, it ends up feeling as if not much of what’s going on is yours. You’ve got to take bigger risks than just having a match end in a draw. You’ve got to be creative with your moves and your descriptions.
    Ok, I understood. But ending match in a draw is intriguing, in my opinion, isn't it? Am I not?
    However, I will say that one thing that’s improved since I reviewed this last is the fact that the story feels like it has more of a plot besides “Max goes around and earns badges like a generic new trainer.” Yes, it’s interesting to see Max wanting to go find Ralts now. The main issue is that it’s taken a backseat to everything else so far, so up until this particular chapter, it’s felt like Max is primarily going around to earn badges and just happens to be on a quest to find Ralts, rather than like Max is primarily on a quest to find Ralts and just happens to be earning badges at the same time. That’s an issue because it feels like you’re still trapped in the generic new trainer fic mindset, but you’re tacking the Ralts plot on as an afterthought. Of course, this chapter represents a shift in Max’s priorities, so it’s hard to say whether or not that feeling will continue in future episodes. I’m just saying that the feeling exists so far, so that’s something that you’ll want to be aware of.
    Yeah, I felt like you before this Chapter. That's why I've written this Chapter - to set Max's proprities.
    With that said, let’s talk about this chapter, shall we?
    Sure, my dear reviewer
    One of the things to be aware of is something called the passive voice. It’s when you use a form of “be” (like is) and a verb instead of an action verb (a verb by itself). Passive voice tends to be weaker than active voice (the action verb), meaning it doesn’t give a reader quite as strong of a mental image. In this case, sure, we see Max talking with his parents, but it would be much, much stronger if you said something like, “Max sits in the Pokémon Center and talks to his parents.” That way, we can clearly see what Max is doing, rather than feel like we’re simply being told that’s what he’s doing.
    I see your point. Well, yeah, I agree. Passive Voice is not so strong as Active.
    That’s particularly important for scripts because stage directions are all about actions. They’re telling actors (or animators) what to do when. If you just say “he’s being shown,” that doesn’t tell them what you want them to do at the beginning of the scene.
    Yep.
    Moreover, this seems rather redundant anyway because the dialogue shows us that he’s chatting with his parents. Remember what I said earlier about not including stage directions if you make that action obvious later? This is one of those cases. You don’t need to tell us that he’s chatting with his parents. We can already tell by reading Norman and Caroline’s lines.
    Well, like we say, the more the better
    Not to confuse you, but stage directions that are attached to dialogue lines don’t need to be capitalized or punctuated unless you’re writing out full sentences.
    I guess it is my sort of "writer's special thing". I just like it this way

    Hyphenate “black-haired.” The reason why is because it’s serving as a single adjective.
    Oh, ok.

    You don’t need an ellipsis. This sentence has a definite end and doesn’t trail off, so it needs a stronger end than what an ellipsis indicates.
    ok.

    Again, this is made obvious by Max’s lines, so you don’t need to tell us this.
    ok.

    I find it odd that Ash isn’t using contractions here. Ash’s speech is normally extremely casual, so he’s very prone to using contractions (or even lopping off ends of words, which you don’t need to indicate but just saying). With script fics, you have to be extra careful about getting a character’s speech habits down right because you actually have to be more conscious of characterization than someone who’s writing prose. Why? Because like I said, scripts are all about telling other people how to act in addition to showing them a story. So you have to be very careful in how you present your characters because you’re basically telling someone who’s playing Ash what sort of person Ash is.
    Right. But sometimes I feel kind of difficult to write in casual style, because I am a serious guy myself.
    Why couldn’t Ash explain this? That might help prevent this explanation from sticking out too much. Right now, it seems abrupt, like those moments I told you about earlier where you’d show us information and then immediately change topics. In this case, it feels like specialty tournaments are being built up to be the focus of the chapter because multiple people are talking about it, but it’s not. However, if Ash talked about it and was the only one to explain what they were, that would read as Ash simply being excited about the tournament. It would be in-character too. Of course Ash would go off and talk about something exciting that he was doing because he’s a very excitable character, so of course he’d feel the need to tell Max all about his latest challenge.
    Norman explained this, because he is a gym leader, and he knows a lot more about the tournamen (he explained it to Ash in the first place), so both Norman and Ash thought that Norman can explain things better.

    Another awkward point of English: this is a phrase that’s only used if someone is being asked (in the sense of being commanded) to do something. For example, if I asked you to get the next chapter up in a day, you can respond with “you can count on me” because you’re telling me that you’re reliable and that you can get what I asked you to do done when I wanted you to do it. In this case, it doesn’t really make sense for Ash to say it because Max isn’t telling him to go to Sootopolis. He’s asking him if it’s actually possible for Ash to be there in a short time frame, so Ash has no reason to tell Max that he’s reliable.
    But you see, I heard exactly this phrase from Ash (I don't remember the episode). Maybe the writers are not using language correctly?)

    That’s an awesome job. You’ll need the article before the adjective because it sounds awkward otherwise.
    Stupid mistake. I know that)
    Words like “mom” and “dad” only get capitalized if they can be replaced by the person’s name. For example, if you can replace “Mom” with “Caroline” in this sentence and still have it make sense, you can capitalize it. However, doing so here would result in “can you call my Caroline,” which reads awkwardly. Therefore, you shouldn’t capitalize it.
    Haha =D Can you call my Caroline sounds hilarious.

    Walks to the other room. Or into. He’s not there yet, so he can’t walk in the other room unless he can teleport.
    Right.
    “Yeah” might be too informal for this situation, and it might therefore cause Caroline to sound like she’s brushing Max off. Try “yes” instead.
    Yeah. LOL. I mean yes.

    Write out all numbers from zero to one hundred.
    k.
    Also, try the period trick. Remember how I suggested that every time you write a comma, you should replace it with a period first and see if you get two sentences as a result? (If not, you’re welcome.) In this case, replacing the comma with a period results in two complete sentences — ones that make sense on their own. Because of that, you’re going to have to make a decision on how to punctuate this line so you can avoid a run-on (which is a legitimate grammatical error, not just one about nuances).
    Thanks a lot for the trick. I'll start using it

    Another instance of a comma splice. In this case, “I understand” and “good night” are actually two separate, complete thoughts, so that’s why they need a period between them.

    Also, you’re missing a comma for your direct address. As in, a comma needs to be after “night” because “dear” is a word indicating Caroline is addressing Max directly. You separate direct address with a comma.

    Same thing here.

    And here.

    Goes to. Again, “comes to” isn’t something a native speaker would say unless:
    OK
    So… yeah. To avoid awkward situations, be careful about how English speakers would phrase what they have to say. Different words in different contexts may have slang or informal meanings, so it’s up to you as an author to be aware of that and to know how to avoid saying the wrong thing in the wrong situation. It’s not up to a reader to correct you or to fix your work mentally so they can understand what you were actually trying to say.
    Agreed.
    Because of how quickly this happens, this actually conjures a hilarious mental image (of Chansey being on a game show showing contestant Max a room briefly). Be very careful in how quickly you’re going. Have Chansey take the time to lead Max out of the main room and to the upstairs location to indicate a slight shift in time and setting. That way, you avoid unintentional hilarity.
    Ok.

    About the direct adress, I understand it now.

    Why isn’t Nurse Joy separated from the list of characters present? It might read a bit less awkwardly if you just included her (as in, said something like “Gardevoir, Kirlia, Ash, Brock, May, and Nurse Joy”). Right now, she’s floating off to the side for some reason.
    My fault here.
    That and “alongside with” doesn’t make sense in English. You either have “alongside” by itself (to indicate where they’re standing) or “along with” (to indicate who’s there as well) but not both. I will also tell you right now that “along with” is incredibly redundant because of what I said a moment ago (about how there’s really no reason why Nurse Joy should be separated from the other characters). “Alongside,” meanwhile, literally tells us where in proximity to the Nurse Joy the others are standing, so I’m not pretty sure that’s not what you meant.
    Same here.


    In fact, I think it’s safe to say that our usage of “take” is pretty limited. It’s actually a rather vague verb unless it’s being used for its literal purpose (as in, unless it’s being used exactly as it’s defined in the dictionary, even when it’s in an idiom). While we’re no strangers to vague phrases (e.g., passive voice), we don’t use generally use words that don’t entirely fit our situation when we’ve got plenty of other words that do.
    Hmm. I thought you use take more often.

    Either way, it strikes me as odd that you phrased things yourself because you could have just as easily gone to the episode (as it’s dubbed in English) and copied Max’s lines word-for-word. Sure, you want this work to be your own, but you’re also writing a flashback to an episode. It’d be awkward not to have the line written exactly as it is in the show because, well, you’re showing us what happened in the show. That and it would have helped you avoid incredibly awkward phrasing.
    I have gone to episode. And you won't believe me. These phrases were taken from it. I was very surprised when you said that they are incorrect.

    Awkward wording. Drop the first “you,” and it’d be a bit better. English speakers don’t really say, “I promise you to [insert promise here].” We say things like, “I promise you that I will [insert something here].” It’s just because we like to emphasize who’s making the promise whenever we make one. That and, well, it’s just never said the way you’ve written it (with the receiver of the promise written just before an infinitive).
    Ok, I will say "I promise I will" from now on.

    “I made a promise.” (You can have “it” after “made,” but that tends to be a rarer sentence structure.) English speakers don’t give people promises. We make them.
    And. you, English speakers, have right attitude about not giving, but making them.

    …What?

    No, actually, that’s a legitimate question. Is he getting dressed? Is he shoving clothes into his satchel (especially given that you didn’t mention him getting dressed before going to bed anyway, and we don’t see him wearing pajamas in the show)? Is he literally taking clothes somewhere? What’s going on in that stage direction?
    Frankly speaking, I read it now, and LOL. I don't know either.

    Another example of direct address done correctly. I thought it’d be worth it to point it out, just so you’d have an example of how it works. Also, I’m hoping that by seeing when you do punctuate direct address correctly, you can start to think about how you see the rules. Think about why you added a comma here and apply the same rule to the other sentences I pointed out.
    Thanks.
    This feels rather abrupt. I mean, I’m pretty sure Nurse Joy didn’t know about the Ralts (or isn’t aware of what Max means by finding his friend), so it’s awkward that all she has to say is “best of luck” with enthusiasm. There’s no confusion here, no attempt to help Max, nothing that would make it clear that this moment (wherein she appears and wishes him luck) has to be in this scene.
    Well, she has a lot of work. So no time for her to get into details.
    Be careful about being redundant. In this case, you say that Max is coming out of the Pokémon Center, and literally the next thing you say right after that describes Max coming out of the Pokémon Center. I would drop the stage direction immediately after what Max says if you need help figuring out how to work out the redundancy, if only because the next line is actually a lot stronger.
    Yes, I see it here. I'll be careful.


    This boy is wearing multiple shirts?
    No, I meant shorts.
    (Pretty sure you mean “shorts” here, but that was the first thought I had when I read that line.)
    Yeah.
    Because Benjamin was already introduced in a past episode, I don’t think you need to describe him. Even then, the description is so vague and generic that I actually thought this was a brand-new character that you were about to have ambush Max. (As in, it didn’t give readers any sense that this was actually a specific character because those details could have been attached to anyone — or in other words, you didn’t provide any specific details that could indicate that this character was one we met before.)
    In fact, I know. But, honestly, (I think you like when people are honest) I s..ck in characters description right now Can you give me advice or two on how to describe new characters?

    Spell out “okay.” It’s too informal (in terms of writing) otherwise.
    okay.

    Ellipses need at least three dots. They never use just two.
    Agreed.

    So, let’s talk about how it did overall. I don’t have many comments about plot because, well, there wasn’t much going on here. Ash was introduced formally, and he’s announced that he’s going to be competing in a Hoenn-based tournament. Okay, so that sets up a meeting later. Meanwhile, Max decides to go find Ralts, but that’s something he’s said in a previous chapter. It was rather easy to figure out who Ash was before he was actually named (even if your description wasn’t that detailed), so there really weren’t that many plot twists or reveals here. It was, as you’ve said, just a filler chapter, but it felt like it was a filler chapter that was lacking. The only real bit of new and important information it provided was the fact that Ash is in Hoenn. That’s… really not much. Even filler episodes in the show usually have more going on besides a few lines of a phone conversation and a flashback.
    You see, fiction is not anime. And in a filler chapter there is not happening as much as in a filler episode. Don't you agree?

    More importantly, there’s a lot of issues with nuances and redundancy. For nuances, like I said, there’s a lot of delicacy in the English language. You had a lot of phrases that English speakers just don’t say, and that caused a lot of your dialogue and stage directions to feel awkward, unnatural, and sometimes even wooden. These are issues that can be very disruptive to readers or at least affect the way they enjoy your work. These are also issues that you won’t be able to work out on your own unless you’re incredibly fluent with the English language or working with someone who is. Right now, while your English isn’t super terrible, it’s also not up to snuff to proofread for these things yourself. I can say that because if it was up to snuff, I wouldn’t have to say, “English speakers wouldn’t say something like this.” And I mean that in the gentlest way possible, for serious. I know there's not that many tactful ways to put that, but I really do feel like this is a problem that you probably wouldn't spot on your own. I mean, I know it's difficult working with a foreign language, and nuances are pretty much the hardest thing to master, even when you've got the actual grammar and spelling down pat. It's difficult to say when the nuances part of English will become natural to you, but I can tell right now that you're struggling with it and can definitely use outside help.
    Like I said you in the PM. Someday, I'll become an example of a person, who achieved success in writing fic on a foreign language without a beta. You'll be proud of me

    With all of that said, honestly? You’re a good guy, Real, but I stand by what I said earlier about your writing. It just isn’t doing it for me. Your plot is generic, your characterization is sparse, your description seems to be good in some places and lacking in others (like the displays of Max’s amazing teleportation skills), and the number one thing that was killing your story when I last reviewed it — the way you used the language — is still an issue now.
    Thanks! The name is Raymon!
    Well, "Rome was not built in a day". I have a time to improve my language.

    Anyway, thanks. You know that I really appreciate your time, don't you?))

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    Btw, guys, the result of fire-type survey:

    Growlithe 3
    Ponyta 1
    Vulpix 1
    Chimchar 1
    Magby 5
    Cyndaquil 1
    Charmander 1
    Eevee 1
    Larvesta 1
    Houndour 2
    Slugma 2
    Torkoal 1


    I think we have a winner here

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    Quote Originally Posted by RealRaymon View Post
    I won't be harsh, don't worry
    Awesome.

    I agree with you. but I mentioned earlier that I am trying hard to create a feeling like people watching anime, so that's why I use a lot of things exactly like in it.
    It's possible to get the feeling of the anime without pulling too many things from it. There's a few things you can do that, in combination, can do the trick:

    1. Keeping everyone in character. That means getting their personalities accurate right down to the way they talk. So for example, you'd be emulating Ash's speech patterns (not necessarily lopping off the ending G on words that end with -ing but doing things like remembering that he always uses contractions) and emotions (keeping him as excited as possible about everything) in every single line. This also extends to remembering to capture their essence through what they do and what they say as well -- as in, asking yourself if a character would do X in the anime. By keeping characters in character, you create that anime feel just by tailoring your story around who they are. If they're true to who they are in the anime, then, your story will follow.

    2. Tone. One of the things that you'll want to remember is that the anime has a certain tone to it. Specifically, it's goofy, it's light-hearted, and it's cavity-enducingly sweet. Remembering that by holding back on darker elements of your story (as an example) will enhance the anime feel because you're remaining true to the spirit of the work itself. Note that this doesn't mean you should duplicate plots from the show. It just means you're restricted to creating a story that's just as goofy and light-hearted in tone as the anime. There's definitely ways of doing that without falling back on the anime's plots. (Not saying you are. Just saying that to avoid confusion.)

    3. Referencing without copying. The flashback is actually an example of this. Tying events that you're writing back to things that happened in the anime will help the reader understand that your story is firmly rooted in a certain universe. You only need occasional reminders too.

    So... yeah. There's really no need to emulate the tropes and clichés the anime presents, like having Pokémon stare each other down before one passes out at the end of a battle. You can still get that light-hearted anime feel without them -- and in fact, you nearly did (barring the awkwardness with your characters). What you'll need to do, then, is focus less on recreating the anime through its sight gags and idea of suspense (although, seriously, anime, the fainting Pokémon thing got old after the second time you lot did it) and more on recreating the anime through its tone and characters.

    As for new and different, I try new places, new strategies that Max uses (Mud Shot on the ground), Specialty tournament that will be.
    New places don't exactly produce new and different, especially since every anime and every other trainer fic introduces new locations. It's what happens at those locations that produces something new and different, and what happens can occur at any location, even old ones.

    New strategies only qualify as new and different if the rest of the battle is also something new. Be very careful with that. If you have only one strategy that's new and if you surround it with clichés, that one strategy is going to be overshadowed unless your readers are a bunch of optimists. Also be very careful because Ash is known for creative strategies too. You're going to have to do some serious thinking outside the box in order to create a battle that both feels like it came from the anime and seems fresh to a reader.

    Specialty tournaments aren't necessarily something new and different. Lots of trainer fics do tournaments (or tourneys, if we're looking at fics outside of Serebii), and the anime had quite a few non-gym circuits that could be comparable themselves. (The Whirl Cup, for a perfect example.)

    So it's really what you do with the first and last ideas that will make them new and interesting, and it's the context of the second that determines whether or not it's fresh. Keep thinking about the bigger picture, not select parts.

    Well, it was never mentioned whether or not they are Pokemon thieves.
    Actually, they are according to canon. Most of their assignments involve being sent by Dr. Namba to steal Pokémon for one project or another. (Source.) Even before they became employed by Dr. Namba, all of their heists were purely to steal trainers' Pokémon.

    In fact, if Team Rocket's motto in the games (which states that they use Pokémon for profit) is to be considered canon across the board, then the entirety of the organization is geared towards either stealing or using Pokémon as tools. It's only Jessie and James who do anything differently, but then again, it's also been established in canon that they're terrible examples of what it means to be a member of Team Rocket.

    So, I decided I could use them to steal electricity, which is not needed for the headquarters, but for special mission in Unova.
    While you mentioned it in a comment, you didn't mention it in a story, which is why I missed it. Always remember to leave hints or explain things within your story's narration. If you have to explain something in the comments to your story (and if you didn't intend on having it be a mystery), then that would be considered a plot hole. Be careful about that.

    Also, that's still a rather bizarre reason to be there. Why would they be in Hoenn stealing electricity when they could do the same thing in Unova? Unova is established in canon as being far away from the other regions Ash has traveled through, and besides that, there are most definitely places in that region where they could have gathered the same amount of energy. (Nimbasa comes to mind immediately. If not, Castelia most likely has a major source of electricity, given that it's a huge city.) There's just no reason why they should be in New Mauville doing it.

    You see, they did a lot of shenanigans before they get blasted off. Max have been fighting hypnotized (because of them) electric Pokemon for a whole Chapter.
    It is a very nice idea, too bad I didn't think of it myself.
    Wait, do you mean that you didn't actually think of Team Rocket pulling shenanigans (like hypnotizing Pokémon in New Mauville to attack Max) yourself when you wrote that chapter?

    Then my point still stands. They really don't serve a purpose there, and you could have replaced them with anything else (including errant Psychic-types, a ticked off Psychic trainer, the pissed-off leader of a pack of Electric-types, and so forth). They're pretty much there just for a convenient villain, but because their motives don't make much sense and because they don't have much of an impact on the rest of the story (except in retroactive terms), it just feels like they stick out awkwardly.

    Ok, I understood. But ending match in a draw is intriguing, in my opinion, isn't it? Am I not?
    Not really, if I may be honest for a second. See, just one draw doesn't create suspense, and it's not like it hasn't happened in the anime. Ash has had it happen a few times to him. The most notable that I can think of happens in his battle against Drake of the Orange Islands, in which one of the episodes of a two-parter starts off with both Ash and Drake's Pokémon at the time knocking each other out. What makes that scene work, though, is the fact that the first episode ended with Ash's Lapras and Drake's Gengar launching attacks that collide and blast one another, but we don't get to see the consequences until the next episode. That drew out a lot of suspense and made us want to keep watching the battle.

    The point is it's not one act that creates suspense. You'll really need to stop focusing on individual parts of the machine and look at the big picture. Battles need to have a lot of creativity to them beyond just "he used one strategy" and "it ended with a draw." Every last move you make needs to have some stroke of creativity, and everything needs to pull together to create that feeling of suspense. In short it's overall content, not individual parts, that matter. One part can't function to bring up the quality of a battle.

    Or in even shorter, what makes a draw interesting isn't that it happens. It's how it happens and when.

    As for your question about creativity, when you start focusing less on one piece (like "this match will be creative just because it ends in a draw") and focus more on the overall picture ("this match will be creative because the draw is perfectly placed in the story to generate suspense, and that's following an onslaught of outside-the-box strategies, beautifully described attacks, and reactions that aren't just pulled from the anime"), then you'll sound a lot more creative than you do right now, to put it bluntly.

    Yeah, I felt like you before this Chapter. That's why I've written this Chapter - to set Max's proprities.
    See, the main issue is that it feels like it's a rather abrupt change. Maybe it's just because I really didn't think the fic was that interesting (or had much of a plot) beforehand, but attempting to yank the Ralts plot to the front in one chapter when Max should have been thinking about it from the get-go is exactly what makes this chapter feel so off compared to the ones leading up to it, if that makes sense.

    I see your point. Well, yeah, I agree. Passive Voice is not so strong as Active.
    *nod* Yep. Pretty much. That's why a lot of writers will tell you not to use passive voice.

    Well, like we say, the more the better
    Eeeeexcept when it comes to writing, unfortunately. If you create a repetitive or redundant feel to your work because you keep looping back on ideas and repeating things over and over again, it causes your work to become dry and awkward. In some cases, it can even insult the audience's intelligence because you're telling them things they could figure out easily. That's why you need to be careful and avoid being redundant.

    I guess it is my sort of "writer's special thing". I just like it this way
    That's a rather silly reason to screw with grammar, and that kind of thinking will most likely only get in the way of your growing understanding of how the language works. Just to warn you.

    One thing that not even native speakers get sometimes is that you only get the freedom to take liberties with grammar when you display an understanding of what the rules are (and when you do it for a reason other than "because I like it that way" -- which is a silly reason because it adds absolutely nothing to the story except something to make experienced reviewers side-eye you like no tomorrow).

    Right. But sometimes I feel kind of difficult to write in casual style, because I am a serious guy myself.
    Practice writing something that isn't your style and do your best when it comes to the work you put out for readers. I say this because this isn't you speaking; it's Ash. It's important to remember that writers need to be adaptive and flexible with their style. Not all characters or situations call for the same tone, after all, so it's awkward to force characters or the tone of the story to sound like the writer. Ash isn't very formal, so in order to keep him thoroughly in character, you'll need to be flexible.

    Norman explained this, because he is a gym leader, and he knows a lot more about the tournamen (he explained it to Ash in the first place), so both Norman and Ash thought that Norman can explain things better.
    Ash is also very excitable, so I can't imagine him shutting up for more than five seconds about something he's excited to participate in. So there's that to consider as well.

    But you see, I heard exactly this phrase from Ash (I don't remember the episode). Maybe the writers are not using language correctly?)
    It was in a different context. One of the issues with nuances (and one of the reasons why I say it's important to work with someone who is a native speaker) is that nuances are dependent on the context of the situation. The reason why that phrase is incorrect here is because it's not being used at the right situation, so its meaning ends up being changed. However, the writers use that phrase in a completely different context (the one that I described in my review), so its meaning makes sense to a native speaker.

    Haha =D Can you call my Caroline sounds hilarious.
    Eeeeexactly. So feel free to keep that phrase in mind whenever you write "mom" or "dad."

    Thanks a lot for the trick. I'll start using it
    Awesome. Good luck!

    About the direct adress, I understand it now.
    Also awesome. Commas tend to be one of the trickiest marks of punctuation in the language, but they're also the most common. It's good that you're picking up on these things, though, because the only way to avoid screwing up with them is unfortunately just memorizing how they work. (Which sucks, but hey. That's English for you.)

    Hmm. I thought you use take more often.
    We do in certain contexts but not in others. Those contexts tend to be very specific as well.

    I have gone to episode. And you won't believe me. These phrases were taken from it. I was very surprised when you said that they are incorrect.
    I can guarantee that the dubbed version of those lines weren't worded quite as awkwardly. The writers may suck, but they never write things like, "What do you think when I become older and maybe you want to travel with me." The reason why I know that is because that's awkward for an English speaker to say. It's an unnatural construct, so if the voice actor tried to go over them, it would come out as wooden and unnatural (well, more so than lines usually are in the show).

    Ok, I will say "I promise I will" from now on.
    Awesome.

    And. you, English speakers, have right attitude about not giving, but making them.
    Thanks! I like the phrase too. It says that the promise-maker is the one responsible for fulfilling the deal, not the person receiving the promise.

    Of course, we also have a phrase that uses the word "keep," which is also cool because it says it's up to the promise-maker to remember that the promise was made too.

    /word geekery

    Frankly speaking, I read it now, and LOL. I don't know either.
    *high fives for confusion* Sometimes I do that too. But that's what editing is for, so... yeah.

    Well, she has a lot of work. So no time for her to get into details.
    True, but then you'll want to consider maybe not including her in the chapter. Nurse Joy was brought up abruptly, and she was dismissed abruptly too. She really doesn't serve any purpose here, and as a result, she sticks out.

    No, I meant shorts.
    Haha, I was kidding. But I would be impressed with his preparation if he had on multiple shirts. No need for a backpack!

    But, honestly, (I think you like when people are honest)
    Absolutely. b)'')b

    I s..ck in characters description right now Can you give me advice or two on how to describe new characters?
    It's definitely something that comes with practice. That's the first thing you'll want to keep in mind.

    The second thing is that it's easier to do in prose than script fic, but because this is a script, let me just offer advice as best as I can.

    Because plays and shows want to have a certain flexibility in casting and costuming, scripts don't really delve too deeply into character descriptions unless it's important (either because what they look like is plot-relevant or because what they look like says something major about the character themselves), so the first thing you do is figure out what is and isn't important to know. Will we need to know that a character is wearing a red shirt? In Star Trek, yes because that means something specific. In Doctor Who, no. Conversely, do we need to know that the character is a ginger? In Star Trek, no. In Doctor Who, absolutely (because Time Lords have things for gingers, if you know what I mean). Weeding out the unimportant details helps you figure out how to highlight the important ones by forcing yourself to ask why a detail is important.

    Once you have all the important details compiled, your next step is to figure out the best time to describe them. What makes script fics harder than straight-up prose is the fact that prose happily revisits description whenever the author merry well pleases. Scripts don't do that. They describe a character once, and then that's it unless the character gets a major overhaul in terms of appearance. (As in, if the character changes their hair color for an important reason a la Ramona Flowers of Scott Pilgrim fame or if they change outfits into something important.) However, scripts also get some leniency because unlike prose, they've got more freedom in how a character is described because it's really awkward to tie descriptions in with stage directions (the way prose tends to do it). Scripts may do their details in one go to help point directors/casting staff/costume designers to what they need to know, but the positive of that is that you can totally do something like this and have it be completely okay:

    A woman walks in. She's unusually tall, blue-eyed, and chestnut haired -- clearly foreign compared to the very Japanese cast. When she walks, she takes long, confident strides with her hands in the pockets of her worn blue jeans. She's also wearing a green leather jacket, a tight top that accentuates her bust line, and a pair of cowboy boots. In short, she stands out like a sore thumb in a sushi restaurant, and she doesn't seem to care that she looks and carries herself like an obvious American.

    In prose, that would be a massive blasphemy, but in scripts, if you want to do it like that (commentary and all), go for it. But remember that you most definitely don't need to do it every time the character appears. Instead, do it when a change is important to note. So if you have a character reappearing (like Benjamin), the best place to describe him is when he's first introduced, and you don't need to describe him later, especially if he's not made any important changes to his appearance.

    Hopefully, that helps a bit, but feel free to ask if it got confusing somewhere along the line.

    You see, fiction is not anime. And in a filler chapter there is not happening as much as in a filler episode. Don't you agree?
    Actually, no. If anything, a filler chapter needs to have more happening than a filler episode. See, the main two things to remember about filler episodes is that:

    1. They're confined to the amount of time their time slot is. For example, Pokémon is a thirty-minute-an-episode anime. Therefore, it can only do enough things to fill those thirty minutes.
    2. Filler episodes rely on visuals and spoken conversations (as opposed to descriptions and the audience's reading speed), so they can do even less if they merry well please.

    Filler chapters, meanwhile, might not have that much happening, but they also don't normally limit themselves to just one conversation or one flashback. Put it this way. If you translated this chapter into prose, you might only come out with a couple of pages, especially if you took out Nurse Joy's lines and kept the description as brief as it is right now. A lot of fics, even if they've got filler chapters going on, usually have more than a couple of pages.

    Think of it another way. When someone writes a filler chapter in prose, they usually spend those more-than-a-couple-pages fleshing out a certain goal. For example, they may want to detail someone's characterization or background, or they may want to tackle a capture or a training session. In this case, the only thing that happens is that Max talks to Ash about the tournament, and Max has a flashback about Ralts. If you did that in prose, the tournament would have been covered in a conversation that also might have covered a lot of other things (such as plans to meet up, for example, or discussions on participation or what Pokémon characters would use), and while the flashback might have taken up a good chunk of the chapter, because it was lifted from canon, a writer might choose to expand on it far beyond just recreating the lines and situation. Right now, everything is too compact and brief, so it felt like nothing really happened in this filler chapter and that it did less than even what filler episodes do.

    Like I said you in the PM. Someday, I'll become an example of a person, who achieved success in writing fic on a foreign language without a beta. You'll be proud of me
    While I wish you good luck, I also have to warn you again that this might actually hurt you more than help you. Like I said earlier, there's a lot of issues you're facing that you just won't learn without working closely with someone who understands the language, and your audience shouldn't be that someone because they're here to read your work for fun, not serve as your editors.

    Besides, because even experienced native-speaking writers use betas for their own reasons (either because they feel like they need it or because it's taboo not to in certain parts of fandom), there's really no reason that I can think of for why you should feel afraid to use one. You're just using a tool the same way you would use spell check to proofread your work yourself.

    That being said, honestly, one of the other things that bothers me about the beta reader thing is because I'm afraid that if you proclaim yourself to be someone who improved their language without using a beta reader, you'll encourage people who do need betas to refuse to use one. There are a lot of people in this fandom -- native and non-native speakers alike -- who struggle with keeping the basics of the language straight, and they need as much help as they can (including using a beta) to improve their writing. They're also the ones who are most likely to refuse to use one. By saying that you're a success story of someone who learned how to write in a foreign language without receiving help, you very well could be saying, "Hey! Look! If I don't need a beta, you don't either!" And we really, really need fewer people who refuse to use betas when they need one in this fandom, if you know what I mean.

    Buuuut because they're not you, if you really don't want to use a beta, I can't force you to. The best I can do is lay out all the reasons why you should. *le shrug*

    Thanks! The name is Raymon!
    Haha, sorry about that. You can call me Jax if you want.

    Well, "Rome was not built in a day". I have a time to improve my language.
    That's true. It'll just take a lot of studying and a lot of interaction with native speakers, but you know that already.

    Anyway, thanks. You know that I really appreciate your time, don't you?))
    Aww, thank you.

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    You can still get that light-hearted anime feel without them -- and in fact, you nearly did
    Yay, you said something good about it!)
    That's a rather silly reason to screw with grammar, and that kind of thinking will most likely only get in the way of your growing understanding of how the language works. Just to warn you.

    One thing that not even native speakers get sometimes is that you only get the freedom to take liberties with grammar when you display an understanding of what the rules are (and when you do it for a reason other than "because I like it that way" -- which is a silly reason because it adds absolutely nothing to the story except something to make experienced reviewers side-eye you like no tomorrow).
    But we were talking not about grammar, but about using a period after ()
    But I would be impressed with his preparation if he had on multiple shirts. No need for a backpack!
    LOL. Just imagine a guy with multiple shirts...
    Even here, in Moscow, where it is -20-30C we don't wear that many.
    Hopefully, that helps a bit, but feel free to ask if it got confusing somewhere along the line.
    Thanks a lot!)But actually, I knew most of what you wrote. But thank you anyway, at least I know how I can implement it.
    And I impressed(as usual) on how much you are educated and how much you know about your native language.
    Haha, sorry about that. You can call me Jax if you want.
    It's ok. Why Jax I wonder?)
    Can I call you Jaxie?)
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 26th December 2012 at 10:49 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by RealRaymon View Post
    Yay, you said something good about it!)
    ;D

    But we were talking not about grammar, but about using a period after ()
    Psst. Periods still fall under grammar rules.

    But to be fair, Googling style guides for script fics yields the question, "What style guide?" So... yeah.

    LOL. Just imagine a guy with multiple shirts...
    Maybe he looks like this guy?

    Thanks a lot!)But actually, I knew most of what you wrote.
    Good to know. I get rambly now and then, so sometimes I forget I'm supposed to be making a point that makes sense.

    But thank you anyway, at least I know how I can implement it.
    Awesome. In that case, good luck!

    And I impressed(as usual) on how much you are educated and how much you know about your native language.
    Haha, thanks. <3 I try. ;D

    It's ok. Why Jax I wonder?)
    Long story short, my online screen name used to have Jax in it. And then I decided to switch screen names but keep the "Jax" part.

    Can I call you JX?)
    Sure! That works too.

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    Quote Originally Posted by JX Valentine View Post
    Maybe he looks like this guy?

    Long story short, my online screen name used to have Jax in it. And then I decided to switch screen names but keep the "Jax" part.
    Can I call you Jaxie?
    Sure! That works too.
    Wow, poor guy. But his face hasn't changed a bit. Even after 100 pounds that he got after taking on 150 shirts.
    Ok.
    I edited my post, I want to call you Jaxie

    P.S. I think we start talking off-topic.
    P.S.S. Tomorrow I'll post the final chapter of the year. And guess whom will find Max? You'll see

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    I like the introduction of these new tourneys. I like to read your battles. You do a good job with them. I found a few grammatical errors in your writing though:

    Norman (To Ash): "Let me take it from here." (To Max) "These tournaments are specialized on a single type of Pokemon, so each trainer in each battle are allowed to use only one type of Pokemon throughout the tourney."
    is allowed, not are allowed

    Max: "That sounds cool! And where will be the first one?"
    And where will the first one be.

    Ash: "You can count on me! By the way, how many badges do you have by now?"
    how many badges do you have now (no "by")

    Ash: "That's awesome job, Max!
    no "that's". Just "Awesome job, Max!"

    Caroline: "Yeah! She's been really busy, she has 4 ribbons by now."
    should be "she has 4 ribbons now"

    Max: "I will go and find my friend!"
    The tense doesn't agree with that of the question. It should be "I am going to find my friend"

    Max (thinks): "Well...Oh yeah, can you take me to the Slateport City?"
    Should be "can you take me to Slateport City?" The "the" is unnecessary.

    All in all it was good though. Just nitpicking.

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    morningsun, thanks
    I corrected the mistakes.

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    Here is not the last Chapter, but the one before the last. I have unfinished business here, so one more chapter is coming before the new year, and most likely tomorrow. Not likely, but for sure.

    The 29th Chapter: Fasten your sea belt!

    (Max and Benjamin finally arrive at Slateport City.)

    Benjamin: "We have arrived at Slateport, Max! What do you want to do here?"

    Max: "I think I'll go to Stern’s Shipyard."

    Benjamin: "Okay. So, where is Stern’s Shipyard?"

    Max: "You'll see it. It is a light blue building with large black windows and big columns."

    Benjamin: "Oh, Max, look! Isn't it Stern's Shipyard?" (Points at a building in a right corner in about one kilometer from them.)

    Max (happily): "It sure is."

    Benjamin (smiles): "You better hold tight! Here we go!" (Starts riding very quickly)

    Max (surprised): "Who-oa! Not so fast"

    (They get to Stern's Shipyard.)

    Benjamin: "I guess that's it, Max. I'll get going." (Reaches out his hand)

    Max (shakes his hand): "Yes. Thank you for your help, Benjamin."

    Benjamin (laughs): "Haha, it's nothing."

    Max: "Hey, I have a great idea. Do you have a Pokenav?"

    Benjamin (after a quick thought): "Do you mean my number?"

    Max (nods): "Yes."

    Benjamin: "I have it."

    Max (takes his PokeNav out of his bag): "Well, tell me it please."

    Benjamin: "Sure!" (Tells Max his number)

    Max: "Okay, bye!" (Starts going into the Shipyard)

    Benjamin (sits on his bike): "Bye-bye!"

    (Max enters the Shipyard. He sees that Archie and Mr. Briney are talking about something.)

    Mr. Briney (notices Max): "Oh, you are here, Max! How have you been doing?"

    Max: "Hi, Mr. Briney!" (Looks at Archie) "Hi, Archie!"

    Archie (smiles): "Hi, kid! What's up?"

    Max (with a proud voice): "I have earned my third badge!"

    Archie: "Great job!"

    Mr. Briney: "I agree."

    Max: "Archie, have you repaired your submarine?"

    Archie: "I have. It is ready to go!"

    Mr. Briney: "It is the submarine I told you about."

    Max: "The one that can swim through the strongest torrents of water?"

    Archie (nods): "Right. And today we are going to Sootopolis with you, Max!"

    Max (happily): "Really? That's so awesome!" (Looks at Mr. Briney) "Won't you go with us?"

    Mr. Briney: "I would be happy to, but Captain Stern gave me an important task to do."

    Max (with a bit sad voice): "Okay."

    Archie (tries to cheer Max up): "Don't worry! We'll have a good time together!"

    Mr. Briney (nods): "I think so as well."

    Archie: "Well, are you ready to go?"

    Max: "Yes, I am!"

    Archie (shouts): "Team Aqua, get ready to launch "Aquarian 1-77-A""

    Grunts: "Yes sir!"

    (Team Aqua grunts and Shipyard workers launch the massive grey submarine with a blue Team Aqua emblem. The water starts to gurgle. Then, after the submarine is placed in the water, Archie tells them to stop. Then hatch opens and Archie climbs the submarine stairs, goes inside it. He quickly examines the submarine.)

    Archie (shouts): "Everything is fine! Briney, help Max to get in here!"

    Mr. Briney: "Sure thing!" (Explains to Max how to climb the submarine)

    Max: "Understood. Good bye, Mr. Briney!"

    Mr. Briney: "Bye, Max!"

    (Max climbs the stairs and gets in the submarine. Archie sits on the left side. Max sees a lot of buttons and leverage.)

    Max: "Wow! There are so many buttons here!"

    Archie (laughs): "Haha. This submarine is one of our latest models. But don't worry. I know it like the back of my hand."

    Max: "That's good to hear!"

    Archie: "Max, fasten your sea belt. We are ready to go."

    Max: "Okay."

    Archie (through speaker): "Briney, we are ready to start!"

    Mr. Briney: "Good."

    (Mr. Briney goes to the control room, pushes a button. Archie and Max dive underwater.)

    Max: (looks at a swarm of Remoraid and Clamperl) "Wow. it is so beautiful!" (Takes his Pokedex.)

    Pokedex (shows the picture of Remoraid): "Remoraid, the Jet Pokémon. Often found in large groups, Remoraid can fire water and hit targets up to 100 meters away." (Switches to Clamperl) "Clamperl, the Bivalve Pokémon. Clamperl holds a powerful shell that's useful in not only protecting itself, but also in clamping down on prey."

    (While Max is enjoying his sail, Archie is very serious and looks very calm and focussed.)

    Archie (without looking at Max): "Don't get so excited. The torrents are ahead of us. It will be a hard time for sure."

    Max (becomes serious as well): "Ok, I am ready!"

    Archie: "Good. We'll swim on the first speed."

    Max: "The fastest one, right?"

    Archie: "Right. Let's go!" (Pulls the lever down.)

    (The submarine starts swimming very fast. It enters the area of powerful torrents and the submarine starts to shake.)

    Max (shakes): "Aaww!"

    Archie: "Hold tight, Max! We'll go through them in no time!"

    Max (with shaking voice): "How long will it take?"

    Archie: "Half an hour."

    Max: "Half an hour? Ah, ok."

    (After a painful thirty minutes, the torrents return to normal.)

    Max: "Whew..."

    Archie: "Haha, it was great!"

    Max: "You have to be kidding..."

    Archie: "Max, Tell me about the promise you made."

    Max: "Well...that's a long story."

    Archie: "Cmon'! We have a lot of time, don't we?"

    Max: "Sure! Okay." (Tells the story.) “When I was traveling with my friends, we have met a Ralts. Actually, I heard its voice and ran towards it. I helped it because it was sick. Team Rocket tried to stop us, but I managed to get to the Pokemon Center."

    Archie: "Team Rocket? I hate these guys. They are up to no good!"

    Max: "Yes. Archie, tell me please why your team has become good?"

    Archie: "You see, I tried to use Kyogre for my selfish goals, and that kind of behaviour is impermissible. The world could have been destroyed because of our bad plans! I and Maxie promised that we'll do only good things and will help people from now on."

    Max: "That's great to hear!"

    Archie: "Yes. Well, what were you talking about?"

    Max: “I took my friend to the Pokemon Center. After Ralts became healthy again, we became close friends and Ralts wanted to go with me, but I was not old enough to become a trainer”

    Archie: “So, what did you do?”

    Max: “I gave it a promise”. (Makes a pause and says with a deep voice). I promised I will return to it..”

    Archie (smiles): “Very nice story, Max. But where did we separate? I mean, where did you leave it?”

    Max (remembers): “Well, we were on the way to Sootopolis City.”

    Archie: "So, that's why we are heading there?"

    Max: "Right."

    Archie: "Okay. If so, I'll try to get there as fast as I can!"

    The end of the 29th Chapter.
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 6th January 2013 at 2:25 PM.

  24. #499
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    I'm on a boat mother... what?
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    Nice chapter! I guess Max will get Ralts soon Well I hope so xD Hope you make it really sentimental and stuff Anyways, I think this was a good chapter. It would be such a plot twist if Archie ended up being a bad guy again lol

  25. #500
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Location
    Undella town
    Posts
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    Hi Raymon=D, i hope you had a good christmas. I'll start my review, this chapter in my opinion this chapter was a little shorter than the others (correct me if wrong). It was still good though. Im glad Archie has took a turn for the good (or has he...?) You described the journey quite well, with the remoraid and clamperl pokedex entries, a nice touch =D. Cant wait for Ralts (and Magby) to make their way onto Max's team.

    Sadly i spotted grammatical error =(
    You said:I mean, where did you left it?
    Should be: I mean, where did you leave it?
    Overall, very good =D
    My Shiny Pokemon:

    5th Gen:
    ;Emolga; ;Solosis;

    6th Gen:
    Greninja ;Volcarona; (X2) Aegislash ;Lampent; Diggersby

    Luvin' the t'wigs <3
    3DS fc: Paddy 2621-3316-5077 (Pm if you add me)

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