Magneton (comes out. squints its eyes and looks very strong): “Magneton!”
- Capitalize the "comes" and the "squints"
But moving on from grammar, the first time Elekid used Brick Break it seems as though nothing happened to Magneton. It instantly recovered and used Lock-On. Is that because Elekid isn't that strong?
Also not to be a party-pooper but I'm not sure if Elekid can be paralyzed, since it is an electric type.
But great battle and nice end! If I were you I would have revealed the result of the battle in the next chapter in order to build suspense, but you can do whatever you want to
Marshtomp (smiles as he understands what its trainer tries to do.): "Marsh...tomp!"
- I would change it to "(Smiles as he understands what it's trainer is trying to do.)"
Your grammar has seriously improved since the last chapter. Good job!
Also what has Ash been doing in the time between his last visit (around chapter 13, I think) and this chapter? Where has he been?
And maybe he came to visit because he's leaving for Unova...
Max (happy too): “That’s awesome, so you can hope me to coming back some day.”
- "'That's awesome, so you can hope that I'll come back some day."
(Gardevoir, Kirlia, Ash, Brock, May and Nurse Joy stand near a Pokemon Center and a wind takes leaves by a blow. Max and Ralts are still hugging,)
- How about "(Gardevoir, Kirlia, Ash, Brock, May and Nurse Joy stand near a Pokemon Center as a gust of wind tears leaves off their branches. Max and Ralts are still hugging.)
Max (takes the badge case out of his bag, opens it and answers with a very proud voice): "Three. And I have beaten Wattson today!"
- I think you should make it "'Three. And I beat Wattson today!'"
Ash: "That's awesome job, Max!"
- I think you should change it to "'That's awesome, Max!'"
That's it for grammar.
This goes for the previous chapter and this one: good job making it unpredictable! I didn't expect Ash to come any time soon, since his last visit was just around chapter 13.
But if Ash is able to get to Sootopolis City, why couldn't he take Max to Slateport? It seems as though Max just woke up and decided to go to Slateport without telling anyone.
Good job getting the best fic writer of the year award!
Last edited by ultimateblaziken11; 7th January 2013 at 1:02 PM.
Reason: merged double-post
Anger the Blaziken, and you get BURNED
Example of the above:
YOU: Hey Blaziken, your ugly!
BLAZIKEN: .......JO FACE!(burnnned)