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Thread: Max's New Adventures

  1. #576
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    Yeah I'm picking up on it too.

  2. #577

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    Guys, friends can also be glad to see each other again, hell they can even tell each other than they love each other. I felt no bromantic vibe from that line whatsoever.
    岩根雅明=♡

  3. #578
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    Quote Originally Posted by Emrys View Post
    I fail to detect how the clear indication of romantic interest between two main characters within a internet Pokemon fan fiction is a direct indicator of popularity, care to explain further?
    Topic closed.
    Yeah I'm picking up on it too.
    Don't soam please.

  4. #579
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    Guys, friends can also be glad to see each other again, hell they can even tell each other than they love each other. I felt no bromantic vibe from that line whatsoever.
    Well you're clearly in the minority here

  5. #580
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    The 33rd Chapter: Round one, begin! (Part One)

    Max: “Wow, an Empoleon!”

    ??? (gets up): “It is a pretty cool Pokemon, isn’t it?”

    Ash (is surprised): “Barry! What are you doing here?”

    Barry: “I'm participating in the Hoenn League! But now I am going to participate in the Water tournament.” (Looks at Dawn) “Oh, hi, Dawn!”

    Dawn: “Hi!”

    Max: “The Hoenn League?”

    Barry: “Yes, so you better be ready, Ash! Because I’ll beat you this time!”

    Ash (laughs and starts waving hands): “I am not entering the Hoenn League.”

    Max: “I am!”

    Barry: “That’s great! Who are you?”

    Max: “My name is Max. Nice to meet you!”

    Barry: “I am Barry. Nice to meet you, too!”

    Ash: “Let’s go into the Pokemon Center!”

    (All agree. They go to the Pokemon Center. They sit on a sofa in the Pokemon Center’s hall.)

    Dawn: “So, why have you come to Hoenn?”

    Barry: “There are a lot of Pokemon that I’ve never seen before.” (Makes a pause, and continues.) “And I needed some changes, you know.”

    Max: “And how many badges do you have?”

    (Barry opens his badge case and shows his 4 badges.)

    Ash: “Oh, you have a Lavaridge gym badge, Fortree badge, Mosdeep badge, and Sootopolis badge.”

    Max: “You’ve beaten Juan?”

    Barry: “Yeah, it was pretty hard, but we worked together with Empoleon!”

    Empoleon (nods): “Empole.”

    Dawn: “Guys, are you tired?” (Yawns.)

    Barry: “Well, the battle was exhausting, so, it will be great to take a nap.”

    Ash: “Yeah, I think so.” (Looks around) “Where’s Max?” (Then notices that Max is talking to Nurse Joy)

    Max (looks at Ash): “They have a room for us.”

    Dawn: “Great!”

    Barry: “Empoleon, return!”

    Empoleon (nods): “Empoleon.”

    Barry (returns it): “Take a rest, I’ll need you tomorrow.”

    (Ash, Pikachu, Barry, Dawn, Piplup, and Max go upstairs. They see a lot of rooms.)

    Dawn: “Which room is ours?”

    Max: “She told me third room on the left side.”

    Barry: “Oh, okay…”

    (They find the room. There are two bunk beds.)

    Barry: “I’ll go up!”

    (Barry climbs on it, and starts changing clothes.)

    Max: “I’ll sleep on the top bunk.”

    Ash: “Well, I like sleeping on the bottom bunk.”

    Dawn: “Okay, I’ll sleep on the top bunk.”

    (They put on pyjamas and fall asleep.)

    Barry (dreaming): “If you don’t win, I’ll fine you!”

    (They wake up in the morning. They get up, dress and go outside to the Giant indoor stadium, which is of an ellipse form and of grey colour.)

    Barry: “Go faster! You don’t want to miss Wallace and Juan’s double performance, do you?”

    Dawn (with a very surprising voice): “What did you say?”

    Barry (with a confident, proud voice): “Yesterday, after I beat Juan, Juan told me that he will have an opening double performance with Wallace.”

    Ash: “Okay, let’s go faster!”

    (They hurry up and enter the stadium. As they come in, they hear the announcer.)

    Announcer: "Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Today is the first ever Specialty Tournament! The tournament, as you all know, focuses on Water-type Pokemon, so participants are only allowed to use Water Pokemon. There will be 64 participants, and in each battle, except the final battle, trainers will be allowed to use 1 Pokemon. In the final, there will be a double battle. There is no time limit. Before we start the tournament, we would like to introduce two Masters of Water Pokemon."

    (Juan and Wallace are ready to walk in. Both of them seem very confident.)

    Juan: "Let's give our best, Wallace."

    Wallace: "I fully agree with you, master."

    (They look at each other, smile. Then they hear the announcer.)

    Announcer: "Meet them. Wallace and Juan, come in!"

    (As they walk in, crowd roars and applauds.)

    Max: "Wow! Very cool!"

    Dawn: "Yeah, I'm so excited to see what they are going to do!"

    Ash: "We'll see."

    (Wallace and Juan come on the battlefield. There is a big pool, and several water platforms on it.. Wallace and Juan stand against each other.)

    Juan: "Go, my precious star, Milotic!"

    (Milotic appears in a flashy way, and spins in the water.)

    Wallace: "Milotic, come out!"

    Milotic (appears in water): "Mill!"

    (Max takes out his Pokedex.)

    Pokedex: " Milotic, the Tender Pokémon and the evolved form of Feebas. At the first sign of fighting, Milotic will come up from the bottom of its lake habitat to calm any angry feelings. "

    Barry: "Both of them use the same Pokemon? What's the big idea?"

    Dawn (puts a finger on her lips and looks at Barry): "Tssshhh."

    Juan: "Milotic use Twister!"

    Wallace: "You use Twister as well!"

    (Both Pokemon dive underwater. They start swimming in circles on the bottom of the pool. They do that synchronically, and from above they look like a circle. The huge Twister, that looks like a Tornado reaches almost the ceiling, and it keeps swirling.)

    Juan: "Milotic, Ice Beam!"

    Wallace: "You use Ice beam, too!"

    (The twister starts getting frozen, and after a short amount of time it gets frozen solid.)

    Max: "I wonder how Milotic will come out of this frozen Twister."

    Wallace: "Come from underwater, Milotic!"

    (Milotic rises from the underwater.)

    Dawn: "It was not in the Twister?"

    Barry: "Nope. It managed to get off it when the other Milotic started to form a huge Twister."

    Wallace: "Now use Hydro Pump to blast this Twister."

    Ash: "What? But Juan's Milotic is there!"

    (Wallace's Milotic blasts a huge amount of water at high pressure. The audience seems both excited and worried.)

    Juan (grins): "Use Protect, Milotic!"

    (Milotic protects itself, and the Twister starts glowing light green. Hydro Pump breaks the frozen Twister and Juan's Milotic is surrounded by green sphere of energy, protecting itself.)

    Juan: "Now, Milotic, land!"

    Wallace: "Use Water Gun to soften its' landing!"

    (Water Gun softens Juan's Milotic landing. Then they jump to their trainers on the floor. The four of them bow, showing the audience that their performance is over.)

    Audience (applauds and roars): "Wallace! Juan! Wow! Great job!"

    Dawn: "That was so-o-o beautiful!"

    Max: "It was awesome!"

    Ash: "Yeah!"

    Pikachu: "Pikachu!"

    Announcer: "That was the performance by true Water Masters! Juan and Wallace, thank you, and please, take your seats."

    (He waits for them to sit. Then the announcer continues.)

    Announcer: "After the grand opening, let me show the participants of the tournament."

    (The large screen in the top middle of the stadium shows 64 trainers. Ash, Dawn, Max and Barry are there.)

    Announcer: "Now, let me shuffle the trainers, and make the brackets!"

    (The trainers are waiting for the bracket. Suddenly, it appears on the screen.)

    Announcer: "Our 1st round battle will begin with a battle between Clark and Jeremy."

    (After that, the battle is shown between two youngsters.)

    Golduck (uses Psychic): "Golduck!"

    (Clark's Golduck hits Jeremy's weakened Poliwhirl with a Psychic attack. Golduck lifts Poliwhirl and then throws in the pool. Poliwhirl faints.)

    Jeremy: "No, my Poliwhirl!"

    Announcer: "The 2nd battle is between Barry and Emily!"

    Barry (pumped): "Me? Oh, right!"

    (He goes on the battlefield. On the other side he sees a young woman, that has curvy brown hair, and has a green chinese-style dress on her.)

    Announcer: "Begin the battle!"

    Barry: "Go, Empoleon!"

    (Empoleon comes as confident as Barry is. He stands in a noble pose, waiting for the opponent.)

    Emily: "Go. Seaking!"

    Seaking (comes out and looks angrily at Empoleon)

    Dawn: "A Seaking?" (Checks her Pokedex)

    Pokedex: " Seaking, the Goldfish Pokémon. Seaking is the evolved form of Goldeen. Its sharp, drill-like horn is capable of crushing even stone. "

    Barry (confidently): "That won't be a problem."

    Emily: "Oh yeah? Use Horn Attack, Seaking!"

    Barry: "Jump out of the platform and use Drill Peck!"

    (Empoleon starts spinning and forms a powerful-looking Drill Peck attack. Seaking heads into Empoleon and two attacks collide. Empoleon overpowers Seaking and sends it several meters back.)

    Empoleon (returns to the platform): "Empoleon."

    Emily: "Hm. Use Megahorn, Seaking!"

    Seaking (starts swimming and this time its' horn grows larger.)

    Barry: "Wait for it to come closer."

    Emily: "Not a smart strategy. Seaking, attack, now!"

    (Seaking gets very close and jumps out of the water.)

    Barry: "Hydro Cannon!"

    Emily (with a very surprised voice): "Huh?"

    (A glowing light blue ball of water appears in front of Empoleon's beak, and Empoleon fires it at Seaking, sending it back once again.)

    Emily: "No, Seaking!"

    Seaking (with a weak voice): "Sea..."

    Announcer: "Barry wins the battle!"

    Barry: "Great job, Empoleon!"

    Empoleon (nods): "Empole."

    (Barry returns Empoleon, and goes to Max, Dawn, and Ash.)

    Ash: "Great job, Barry!"

    Barry: "Thanks! But it was too easy."

    Dawn: "I wonder who will be next..."

    Max: "Well, an odd guy is battling a lady right now. We'll have to wait for some time."

    (The battles go on. A lot of Water Pokemon appear.)

    Announcer: "The eleventh battle will be Dawn versus Charles!"

    Dawn: "It's me!"

    (Dawn goes downstairs and enters the battlefield. She sees a middle-aged man in a white t-shirt and blue shorts.)

    Charles: "Are you ready?"

    Dawn: "Sure! Go, Piplup!"

    (Piplup comes out, stands on the platform.)

    Charles: "Go, Azumarill!"

    (Azumarill comes out.)

    Azumarill: "Azu!"

    Barry: "Wow, an Azumarill! Let's find out about it."

    Pokedex: " Azumarill, the Aqua Rabbit Pokémon. The evolved form of Marill. This Pokémon uses its large, highly developed ears to hear great distances, even underwater. "

    Dawn: "Piplup, start with Bubblebeam!"

    Piplup: "Piplup!" (Jumps, starts quickly flapping its' wings and shoots a ray of bubbles at Azumarill.)

    Charles: "You use Bubblebeam, too!"

    (Azumarill uses Bubblebeam, and the two attacks collide, being equally together)

    Charles: "Use Aqua Tail!"

    (Azumarill dives in the pool and its' tail starts glowing light blue. It quickly gets closer to Piplup.)

    Dawn: "Use Whirlpool!"

    Piplup: "Piplup!" (Starts creating a Whirlpool. Then it throws it into the water, and whirlpool becomes huge, trapping and damaging Azumarill at the same time.)

    Dawn: "All right!"

    Ash: "Using the pool to make Whirlpool larger was a great idea!"

    Max: "Yeah!"

    (Azumarill finally escapes, but looks worn out.)

    Charles: "Azumarill, use Hydro Pump! Blast it!"

    (Azumarill blasts a huge amount of water into Piplup.)

    Dawn: "Use your Hydro Pump!"

    (Piplup counters Azumarill's Hydro Pump with its own.)

    Dawn: "Keep it going, Piplup!"

    Charles: "Don't give up, Azumarill!"

    (They continue to use Hydro Pump for a fair amount of time, but Azumarill's attack starts getting weaker, and Piplup finally hits it.)

    Charles: "No way! Get up, Azumarill!"

    Azumarill (gets up on a platform): "Azu!"

    Dawn: "Use Drill Peck!"

    Piplup: "Piplup!" (Its beak becomes larger, and glows white. Piplup starts spinning and heads into Azumarill.)

    Charles: "Use Superpower!"

    (Azumarill's body glows, and he waits Piplup to come closer.)

    Charles: "Now, attack, with everything you've got!"

    Azumarill: "Azu!"

    Dawn (with a confident voice): "Dodge it!"

    (Piplup dodges Azumarill's attack by spinning near it. Azumarill falls in the water, while Piplup stands on the platform.)

    Charles: "What?"

    Dawn: "Use Whirlpool, once more!"

    (Piplup throws the Whirlpool again. Azumarill is taking huge damage and gets knocked out.)

    Dawn (shouts): "We did it!"

    Piplup (stands with a noble look): "Piplup."

    Announcer: "Dawn wins the battle!"

    Barry: "Dawn won! That's great news!"

    Max: "Yeah! Piplup's Whirlpool is really Powerful!"

    (Dawn comes back.)

    Ash: "You battled well, Dawn!"

    Pikachu: "Pika!"

    Dawn (smiles): "Yeah, thanks!"

    Announcer: "Now the 12th battle is..."

    Ash: "Oh well, now we have to wait again."

    (After some time...)

    Announcer: "The 28th battle will be Ash versus Manny!"

    Ash: "I am ready!"

    (He runs on the battlefield, and waits for the opponent. A little girl comes on the other side.)

    Manny: "I may not be a good battler, but I'll give everything I've got!"

    Ash: "That's the spirit! Good luck!"

    Manny (smiles): "You too!" (Takes her Pokeball) "Go, Luvdisc!"

    Luvdisc: "Luvdisc!"

    Ash: "Go, Kingler!"

    Kingler (comes out very prepared and confident): "Kukiii!!"

    Ash: "Okay, Kingler, let's win this battle!"

    The end of the 33rd Chapter.

    My review: Wow, the longest Chapter I've made so far (9 pages A4).
    I liked the performance bby Wallace and Juan + plus the battles.
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 3rd February 2013 at 8:06 PM.

  6. #581

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    ?the only part I liked about the anime was the league battles and battles themselves and you did a good job with that. Will Max fight next?
    岩根雅明=♡

  7. #582
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    ?the only part I liked about the anime was the league battles and battles themselves and you did a good job with that. Will Max fight next?
    He will battle after Ash.
    Anything more to add? I will be willing to receive a bigger review on THIS Chapter
    Seriously

  8. #583
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    Really loved the last update! In particular:

    Max (looks at Ash): “They have a room for us.”

    Ash: “Great!”
    Max: “I’ll sleep on the first storey.”

    Ash: “Well, I like sleeping on the first storey as well.”

  9. #584

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    Quote Originally Posted by RealRaymon View Post
    He will battle after Ash.
    Anything more to add? I will be willing to receive a bigger review on THIS Chapter
    Seriously
    I didn't see alot of errors except for this:

    Max: “I’ll sleep on the first storey.”

    Ash: “Well, I like sleeping on the first storey as well.”
    Unless there's a different spelling, I think story doesn't have an E
    岩根雅明=♡

  10. #585
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    Quote Originally Posted by Emrys View Post
    Really loved the last update! In particular:
    Dude stfu o.o

    Anyways, I really liked the first chapter (will read the 33 now), and I liked all the interactions! Also it's cool that Marshtomp learned a fighting move

    The chosen ones

  11. #586
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    Quote Originally Posted by TheSirPeras View Post
    Dude stfu o.o
    You can't stand in the way of their love!

  12. #587
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    I didn't see alot of errors except for this:
    Unless there's a different spelling, I think story doesn't have an E
    hm...in my translator it was storEy.

  13. #588
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    The chapter where Ash and Charizard return was very good. It was great to see both of them again. However, I wish Charizard would've had a bigger role.
    I liked it that Ash has a Kingler on his team now. Since it looks like it can't appear in anime, it's so nice to see it at least in your fic. I also liked it that Marshtomp learned a new strong move. And ending was good as well.

    And the chapter in which tournament begins and Barry returns was very good as well. I loved to see Barry again, and nice to see he's collecting badges in Hoenn. Interactions were good as well.
    I think tournament's first battles were pretty good, especially Dawn vs Charles. And it's nice to see Ash using Kingler in first round.
    Welcome back Charizard! I've missed you so much! <3

  14. #589
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    Hi Raymon =D, again.
    I must applaud you on your endeavors in this fic, 9 A4 pages a day after another lengthy chapter. As you said alot I'll try my best...

    I'll start with I'm glad to see Barry and Empoleon, we have loads of characters now =D. Barry is as determined as ever. The Wallace and Juan double 'display' rather than battle was beautifully described, I could imagine it perfectly, and I think two Milotics were a good choice. There seemed to be a good atmosphere trying to be portrayed too, so thats nice, it makes you feel like you're there rooting for your favourite. A large number of trainers too, at 64. I like the way you went through the battle between the two youngsters too, it acted as a 'warm-up' for both Dawn and Barry's battles. (All of which were described excellently.) Also its great that Max isn't the only one using the pokedex now =D.

    All in all, I can see the effort that you are putting into this fic, and admire you for it. And the main thing is it's paying off =D Gl to Ash!
    My Shiny Pokemon:

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  15. #590
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    While there's nothing wrong with alternate interpretations from readers about characters and mentioning them in this thread (and there's no age restrictions with that to the stage that has happened here either), don't do just one liners about that as it falls under spam with the review rules here.

    A parody of the Pokemon Colosseum game, full of pastries and Miror B.
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  16. #591
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    A nice long chapter.Its good that the length of the chapter was more than the others and I hope it will be in other chapters as well.About the chapter itself,It was good with the display by Wallace and Juan beautifully described though I think that you could have shown their relationship as more like Teacher-Student because it is likewise in the games.They seemed more like equals.While both are great trainers,you could've shown that Wallace respects Juan like saying 'Master Juan' or 'Sir'.Dawn's and Barry's battles were good though a little short.But atleast they were better than the real anime where they only focus on battles between main characters.But one thing I don't get is that the finals are double battle,how will Barry,Dawn and Max battle if they reach there.Maybe Barry and Dawn could've caught another Pokemon during their journeys but what about Max.Will he have to borrow from someone to compete in the finals(assuming he reaches there)?
        Spoiler:- Completed and Current Playthroughs:

  17. #592

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    sorry raymon i haven't got much time, so i'll only comment on chapter 32 and not do the spelling and stuff but hopefully will do later.
    I liked the idea of a preview it made me excited and intrigued, so doing them before other major chapters is a good idea. I really like the interctions between the 3 main characters and i'm glad we saw Kingler!! It's good to see Marshtomp learn a new move, though now it has learned two moves it shouldn't (fake cry and dynamicpunch), while this is sometimes done in the anime, be careful not to overdo it. Will read the next chapter and do some coorecting when i have more time but for now i have to go. Nice chapter!
    Everything seems normal, with Joe and Adam venturing on their quest through Kanto, but what is the mysterious Team Storm planning?

    Pokemon: Kanto Legends

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  18. #593
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    Quote Originally Posted by Charizard-Fan View Post
    The chapter where Ash and Charizard return was very good. It was great to see both of them again. However, I wish Charizard would've had a bigger role.
    I liked it that Ash has a Kingler on his team now. Since it looks like it can't appear in anime, it's so nice to see it at least in your fic. I also liked it that Marshtomp learned a new strong move. And ending was good as well.

    And the chapter in which tournament begins and Barry returns was very good as well. I loved to see Barry again, and nice to see he's collecting badges in Hoenn. Interactions were good as well.
    I think tournament's first battles were pretty good, especially Dawn vs Charles. And it's nice to see Ash using Kingler in first round.
    I wish Charizard would have had a bogger role, too. But it is a Water tournament.
    Glad you liked the Kingler's return and the battles
    Quote Originally Posted by PaddysTurtwigFanClub View Post
    Hi Raymon =D, again.
    I must applaud you on your endeavors in this fic, 9 A4 pages a day after another lengthy chapter. As you said alot I'll try my best...

    I'll start with I'm glad to see Barry and Empoleon, we have loads of characters now =D. Barry is as determined as ever. The Wallace and Juan double 'display' rather than battle was beautifully described, I could imagine it perfectly, and I think two Milotics were a good choice. There seemed to be a good atmosphere trying to be portrayed too, so thats nice, it makes you feel like you're there rooting for your favourite. A large number of trainers too, at 64. I like the way you went through the battle between the two youngsters too, it acted as a 'warm-up' for both Dawn and Barry's battles. (All of which were described excellently.) Also its great that Max isn't the only one using the pokedex now =D.

    All in all, I can see the effort that you are putting into this fic, and admire you for it. And the main thing is it's paying off =D Gl to Ash!
    I feel so good after these words...
    Thank you, I am glad you liked my battles!
    Quote Originally Posted by bobandbill View Post
    don't do just one liners about that as it falls under spam with the review rules here.
    Yeah, guys (Especially Emrys), if you continue to spam, I'll tell bobandbill about that.
    Quote Originally Posted by amittal12 View Post
    A nice long chapter.Its good that the length of the chapter was more than the others and I hope it will be in other chapters as well.About the chapter itself,It was good with the display by Wallace and Juan beautifully described though I think that you could have shown their relationship as more like Teacher-Student because it is likewise in the games.They seemed more like equals.While both are great trainers,you could've shown that Wallace respects Juan like saying 'Master Juan' or 'Sir'.Dawn's and Barry's battles were good though a little short.But atleast they were better than the real anime where they only focus on battles between main characters.But one thing I don't get is that the finals are double battle,how will Barry,Dawn and Max battle if they reach there.Maybe Barry and Dawn could've caught another Pokemon during their journeys but what about Max.Will he have to borrow from someone to compete in the finals(assuming he reaches there)?
    It will be as long in the other chapters as in this one. Well, it may be a bit less, but my Chapters now are about 6-8 pages (before it was 3,5 - 5)
    That's good idea, thanks But the thing is, it is in the games. And in the series it may not be so, I believe.
    Well, Barry's battle was a bit short, but that was because Empoleon completely overpowered Seaking, both in strategy and power.
    But as for Dawn's battle, I can't say so, because both Piplup and Azumarill used 4 moves in the battle.
    That's a secret for now
    Quote Originally Posted by infernape100 View Post
    sorry raymon i haven't got much time, so i'll only comment on chapter 32 and not do the spelling and stuff but hopefully will do later.
    I liked the idea of a preview it made me excited and intrigued, so doing them before other major chapters is a good idea. I really like the interctions between the 3 main characters and i'm glad we saw Kingler!! It's good to see Marshtomp learn a new move, though now it has learned two moves it shouldn't (fake cry and dynamicpunch), while this is sometimes done in the anime, be careful not to overdo it. Will read the next chapter and do some coorecting when i have more time but for now i have to go. Nice chapter!
    Thanks for the comment!
    Seriously? Before you tell me so, check that please...
    Here you are:
    Marshtomp can learn these moves(via Emerald move tutuors)

    Attack Name Type Att. Acc. PP Effect %
    Dynamicpunch

    100 50 5 100
    Powerful and sure to cause confusion, but inaccurate.
    Rollout

    30 90 20 --
    An attack lasting 5 turns with rising intensity.
    Snore

    40 100 15 30
    A loud attack that can be used only while asleep.
    Icy Wind

    55 95 15 100
    A chilling attack that lowers the foe's SPEED.
    Endure

    -- -- 10 --
    Endures any attack for 1 turn, leaving at least 1HP.
    Mud-slap

    20 100 10 100
    Hurls mud in the foe's face to reduce its accuracy.
    Ice Punch

    75 100 15 10
    An icy punch that may freeze the foe.
    Swagger

    -- 90 15 100
    Confuses the foe, but also sharply raises ATTACK.
    Sleep Talk

    -- -- 10 --
    Uses an own move randomly while asleep.
    Defense Curl

    -- -- 40 --
    Curls up to conceal weak spots and raise DEFENSE.

  19. #594
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    Ok now that I got a bit more time to go over this I will =D

    Max: “I do!”
    Here it should be "I am!"

    Dawn: “Okay, I’ll sleep on the up side.”
    I am not sure, but here I think it should be "I'll sleep on the upper side/bed." I am not sure though

    Barry (through sleep): “If you won’t win, I’ll fine you!”
    2 things. First, it's up to you but wouldn't it be easier to say "Barry (dreaming)"? I don't know xD
    Second, it should be "If you don't win"

    (They wake up in the morning. They get up, dress and go outside to the Giant indoor stadium, which is of ellipse form and of grey colour.)
    Should be "of an ellipse form"

    Dawn (puts a finger on her mouth and looks at Barry): "Tssshhh."
    Should be "Puts a/her finger on her lips". If you say on her mouth, it sounds kind of weird xD

    Piplup: "Pilpup!" (Starts creating a Whirlpool. Then it throws it into the water, and whirlpool becomes huge, trapping and damaging Azumarill at the same time.)
    Bolded the mistake xD

    That's all I found

    Anyways, it was a good chapter! The battles were pretty cool given that it was against random cotd's, and all the interactions were really cool

    The chosen ones

  20. #595
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    Thanks a lot for noticing the mistakes, I've corrected them!

  21. #596

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    Okay next chapter. But first, sorry about the rynamicpunch thing, i must have missed that! Anyway on we go:
    A very, very, very long chapter, but hey it was still good. I like how you showed us some other battles and not just the main characters. I thought Barry's battle was a bit short but Dawn's battle made up for it. I can't wait to read about Ash and Max and their battles. Now, with this being a long chapter there are obviously some mistakes, which i will now try and find:

    ??? (gets up): “It is a pretty cool Pokemon, isn’t it?”
    Actually, this isn't a mistake, but i'll include it anyway. You seem to use the word 'cool' a lot when describing pokemon - usually in speech. Now, there's no specific problem with this, but try not to overuse it as it can become repetetive and annoying.

    Barry: “I am going to the Hoenn League!
    It doesn't sound right said ike this maybe try this: I'm going to be in the Hoenn League or even this: I'm participating in the Hoenn League The latter seems a bit posh but they both work.

    (They find the room. There are two bunk beds.)

    Barry: “I’ll go up!”

    (Barry climbs on it, and starts changing clothes.)

    Max: “I’ll sleep on the upper bed.”

    Ash: “Well, I like sleeping on the first storey as well.”

    Dawn: “Okay, I’ll sleep on the upper side.”

    (They switch their clothes to pajamas and begin sleeping.)
    Hmm, this whole section seems a bit... clumsy. Firstly, it's not the 'upper bed' or 'upper side' and first storey isn't used for beds, just say top bunk or bottom bunk it is what is usually said in English, though i understand why this sort of stuff might cause you problems with the language. As for the changing on clothes most people probably just say put on pyjamas and then 'begin sleeping' should just be fall asleep.

    Announcer: "Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Today is the first ever Specialty Tournament! The tournament, as you all know, focuses on the Water-type Pokemon
    no need for 'the' at the end: focuses on Water-type Pokemon

    There will be 64 participants, and in each battle, except the final battle, trainers will be allowed to use 1 Pokemon. In the finals, there will be a double battle
    this is from the same section of speech. you say 'final' but then change it to 'finals'. Which is it?

    (Water Gun softens Juan's Milotic landing. Then they jump to their trainers on the floor. The four of them bow, showing the audience that their performance is over,)
    the end should be a full stop.

    (He goes on the battlefield. On the other side he sees a young woman, that has a curvy brown hair, and has a green chinese-style dress on her.)
    Unless this woman has one single hair then get rid os 'a' before the description of her hair.

    (The battles go on. A lot of water Pokemon appear.)
    This was mentioned in the very early stages of this fic and seemed to have been corrected but has arisen again here. You have said 'Water-type Pokemon', 'Water Pokemon' and 'water Pokemon'. The fisrt two are probably okay to use in conjuction with each other, but with the latter two one has a capital and the other doesn't.

    That's all that i could spot easily, though there may be other mistakes. It is very good that with a chapter of this length that there are so few mistakes that i have found so keep it up!
    Everything seems normal, with Joe and Adam venturing on their quest through Kanto, but what is the mysterious Team Storm planning?

    Pokemon: Kanto Legends

    Come on the Mighty Infernape!

  22. #597
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    Thank you for your review!
    Thanks for mentioning these mistakes, I've corrected them.
    Quote Originally Posted by infernape100 View Post
    This was mentioned in the very early stages of this fic and seemed to have been corrected but has arisen again here. You have said 'Water-type Pokemon', 'Water Pokemon' and 'water Pokemon'. The fisrt two are probably okay to use in conjuction with each other, but with the latter two one has a capital and the other doesn't.
    It was my fault. I was sure that I wrote Water Pokemon with a capital letter...
    Ok, thanks again!

  23. #598
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    The 34th Chapter: Round one, begin! (Part 2)

    Announcer: "The 28th battle will be Ash versus Manny!"

    Ash: "I am ready!"

    (He runs on the battlefield, and waits for his opponent. A little girl comes on the other side.)

    Manny: "I may not be a good battler, but I'll give everything I've got!"

    Ash: "That's the spirit! Good luck!"

    Manny (smiles): "You too!" (Takes her Pokeball) "Go, Luvdisc!"

    Luvdisc: "Luvdisc!"

    Ash: "Go, Kingler!"

    Kingler (comes out very prepared and confident): "Kukiii!!"

    Ash: "Okay, Kingler, let's win this battle!"

    Dawn: “Ash seems really determined!”

    Max: “Yeah, but I think this will just be too easy for him.”

    Barry: “Well I'm just excited to see how Kingler and Ash work together.”

    Ash: “Kingler, use Vicegrip!”

    Kingler: “Kuki.” (Jumps from the platform into the water and starts swimming using its pincers to move.)

    Manny: “Use Sweet Kiss!”

    Luvdisc: “Luvdisc!”(Its' lips glow pink, and a heart is moving into Kingler.)

    Kingler (surprised): “Kuki?”

    (The heart hits Kingler. Kingler starts acting weird, and dances on the water platform.)

    Ash: "Kingler?"

    Kingler (dancing): "Kukiii...Kukii..."

    Barry: "Kingler is confused, that's why it is acting weird."

    Ash (comes up with a bright idea): "Kingler, don't move!"

    Manny: "Oh, thanks! Luvdisc, use Hydro Pump!"

    Luvdisc: "Luvdisc!"

    (Luvdisc blasts water at Kingler's face. Because of that, Kingler snaps out of confusion.)

    Ash (grins): "I was waiting for this!"

    Dawn: "What a smart move!"

    Max: "Yeah, Kingler seems to be fine."

    Ash: "Use Crabhammer, Kingler!"

    Kingler: "Kuki!" (Kingler slams its claw into the water and a round white energy ball slams into Luvdisc.)

    Manny (is worried about Luvdisc): "Are you okay?"

    Luvdisc (with a shaking voice): "Luv!"

    Ash (is surprised that Luvdisc is still able to battle): "Your Luvdisc is pretty strong!"

    Manny: "Thanks! Luvdisc, try your Ice Beam!"

    Ash: "The playing time is over. Kingler, Hyper Beam!"

    (Luvdisc fires an icy beam, and Kingler forms an orange beam and releases it into Luvdisc. Two attacks collide, but Hyper Beam overpowers Ice Beam, hits Luvdisc, and sends it far back, knocking it out.)

    Luvdisc (with spiral eyes): "Luv..."

    Kingler (rises its' pincers and yells): "Kuki!"

    Announcer: "Ash wins the battle!"

    Ash: "Thanks, buddy, return!" (Returns Kingler)

    Manny: "Return, Luvdisc!" (Looks at Ash) "Thank you for the battle, Ash!"

    Ash: "Thank you, too. You did great for your first tournament battle!"

    Manny: "Thank you!" (Goes upstairs.)

    (Ash goes upstairs to his friends, and they congratulate him on winning the battle.)

    Ash: "So, Max is the only one yet to battle!"

    Dawn: "Yes, let's wait a bit more!"

    (They wait a bit more. The 31st battle is Perry against Marina.)

    Perry: "Kingdra, I know you can do it...Stand up!"

    Kingdra (shakes, but stands): "Do-o-o-o!"

    Marina: "They won't beat us, Walrein!"

    Walrein (yells): "Rein!"

    Perry: "Let's use Dragon Pulse!"

    Marina: "Use Ice Beam, Wallrein!"

    (Kingdra shoots a light blue sphere at Wallrein. Wallrein releases an icy beam. The attacks collide, and seems to be equal. They make an explosion. After a smoke disappears, Wallrein is standing firm, but Kingdra is knocked out.)

    Announcer: "Marina is the winner!"

    (Trainers return their Pokemon.)

    Barry: "So, Max, you are up!"

    Max: "Yeah!" (Hears the announcer.)

    Announcer: "The final, 32nd battle today, is Max against Roland!"

    Ash: "Give it everything you've got!"

    Dawn: "And remember, no need to worry!" (Smiles.)

    (Max nods and goes downstairs, and enters the battlefield.)

    Max (tells to himself): "I can't lose when Ash is watching my first battle."

    (He stands and sees a young man, with brown hair, who has a very cool look, and has orange shirt and jeans on him. He looks very determined.)

    Announcer: "Begin the match!"

    Roland: "No way I am losing this one, because I'll have the advantage over your Pokemon!" (Takes his Pokeball) "Go, Lanturn!"

    Lanturn (comes out): "Lanturn."

    Max (smirks): "Oh yeah? Go, Marshtomp!"

    Marshtomp (smiles as always): "Marsh!"

    Max: "Get ready to battle!"

    Marshtomp (becomes serious): "Marsh."

    Barry: "A Lanturn, huh?" (Takes his Pokedex)

    Pokedex: "Lanturn, the Light Pokémon. Lanturn's antennae light is strong enough to penetrate the ocean and any seam of the water's surface."

    Roland: "Oh no, not Marshtomp! Well, I will win no matter what!"

    Max (doesn't wait for his opponent): "Marshtomp, Mud Shot!"

    Marshtomp: "Marsh!" (Takes a deep breath, and fires a lot of mud balls into Lanturn.)

    Roland: "Use Water Gun!"

    Lanturn: "Lan!" (Fires a Water Gun at Marshtomp.)

    (The attacks collide. Mud Shot seems to overpower its' attack type disadvantage, but after a moment Marshtomp's deep breath helps it to overpower Lanturn's attack, and Mud Shot hits Lanturn hard.)

    Max: "Oh, right! Marshtomp, use Tackle!"

    Marshtomp: "Marsh!" (Dives.)

    Roland: "Use Confuse Ray!"

    (Lanturn's antennae glows purple and releases a light purple ray that spreads across the water and hits Marshtomp.)

    Max: "Marshtomp, try your Dynamicpunch!"

    (Marshtomp's arm glows white and it heads in the right direction, but when it comes close, for some reason, it turns left. Marshtomp hits the water platform.)

    Roland: "It is time to finish this! Water Gun!"

    (Lanturn uses Water Gun again.)

    Max: "Use your Water Gun, Marshtomp!"

    (Marshtomp is still confused, and is hit by Lanturn's Water Gun.)

    Max: "Oh no!"

    Roland: "Keep it up, Lanturn!"

    Lanturn (continues): "Lan."

    Max (shouts): "Snap out of it, Marshtomp!"

    Marshtomp (closes eyes, shakes its' head, and snaps out of confusion): "Marsh!" (Jumps on the platform, but looks tired)

    Max: "Use Tackle!"

    (Marshtomp dives underwater again.)

    Roland: "Again? You'll be sorry for that. Use Confuse Ray!"

    (Lanturn starts using Confuse Ray.)

    Max: "Jump out of the water!"

    Marshtomp: "Marsh!" (Jumps and heads into Lanturn.)

    Max: "Now strike!"

    (Marshtomp comes closer and hits Lanturn with Tackle, sending it meters away. Marshtomp lands in the water and keeps moving.)

    Max: "Use Dynamicpunch!"

    Roland: "Stop it with your Water Gun!"

    Barry: "What's the big idea of using only two moves?"

    Ash: "I think Roland doesn't want to use any Electric moves, because they won't have any effect."

    Barry: "Oh yes, I think you are right, Ash."

    Max: "Dodge it!"

    (Marshtomp dodges it.)

    Roland: "Keep using Water Gun!"

    Lanturn (fires another one): "Lan!"

    Max: "Marshtomp, jump out of the water like you did before!"

    Marshtomp (jumps): "Marsh!"

    Roland: "It won't stop us!"

    (Lanturn aims its' Water Gun into Marshtomp.)

    Dawn: "Oh no, Marshtomp can't dodge it!"

    Max: "Marshtomp, use Dynamicpunch on this Water Gun!"

    (Water Gun hits Marshtomp's right arm, which glows white. Marshtomp tries to counter Water Gun and comes closer to Lanturn at the same time.)

    Marshtomp (closes left eye, because of the damage it takes): "Marsh..."

    Max: "You can do it!"

    (Marshtomp finally manages to land and hits Lanturn with a Dynamicpunch. Lanturn is hit badly. Marshtomp jumps on the platform, but breathes harshly, showing that it is tired.)

    Roland: "But how?"

    Lanturn (with a weak voice): "Lan..."

    Max: "Finish it with Mud Shot!"

    Marshtomp: "Marsh!" (Releases mud balls out of his mouth.)

    Roland: "Counter it with your Water Gun!"

    Lanturn: "Lan!" (Prepares to use Water Gun, but it can't do it quickly because of the damage it took.)

    (Mud Shot hits weakened Lanturn, and makes it knocked out.)

    Announcer: "Max wins the battle!"

    Max: "We did it, Marshtomp!"

    Marshtomp (with a weak voice): "Marsh." (Sits on the platform and sighs.)

    Max: "Take a nice rest, pal! You deserved it!" (Returns Marshtomp.)

    Roland: "I lost! Aww..." (Returns Lanturn, and runs upstairs quickly.)

    Max: "What's with him?" (After few seconds) "Who cares, I won!"

    (Max returns to Ash, Dawn and Barry.)

    Dawn: "You won!"

    Ash: "Nice Job, Max!"

    Barry: "Yes, great job!"

    Announcer: "The first round is over! The 32 participants, who have advanced into the second round, will battle tomorrow! As for now, good luck to everyone!"

    The end of the 34th Chapter.
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 15th February 2013 at 8:21 PM.

  24. #599
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    Pretty good chapter, and very battle-focused one.
    Ash vs Manny was pretty short but I liked it because it showed that Kingler is an owner and Ash is a strong trainer. As for Max vs Roland, it was longer battle. It felt pretty intense to me, and I was surprised to see Marshtomp winning only barely. I also liked Max's strategy in that battle. I'm already looking forward to the next chapter and I wonder what kind of match-ups there's going to be in it.
    Welcome back Charizard! I've missed you so much! <3

  25. #600
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    Very, good chapter, LOTS OF BATTLING!! Marlon should be here!
    Black 2/Heartgold/X Trainer Card-


    Name: Tyler Dure
    Status: Battling Dale to see who gets the mega ring & face Korrina first
    Hometown: Virbank City, Unova, US
    Idols: Krisi Jackson, Lance, Wallace, Cynthia, Alder, Tucker Satoshi, Austin

    "You can't put a limit on anything. The more you dream, the farther you get." -MP

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