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Thread: Max's New Adventures

  1. #601
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    Hi Raymon =D.
    Good chapter and no mistakes i can think of. Ash and manny's battle was great, a great and heated battle. I actually thought ash was gonna loose!
    Max's battle was nice and long and described beautifully =D. Good use of strategies for lanturn. But marstomp was the best description in my opinion, and am glad in the end max won! Round 2 it is ..
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  2. #602
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    Very interesting chapter, and Kingler is boss! A few grammar errors like,

    Marshtomp finally manages to land and hits Lanturn with a Dynamicpunch. Lanturn is hit badly. Marshtomp jumps on the platform, but breathes quickly, showing that it is tired.
    This sentence is a bit weird itself, if you say, showing that it's tired, do you mean that it breathes harshly?


    Anyways, you're doing better!


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  3. #603
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    Hi, I've been reading up on this fan-fic, and I just finished reading the 16th chapter.
    So far, I have to say the story has been quite decent, the characters are likable and the action-sequences are decently thought-out.
    I see that u've been trying to improve on your grammar, which is nice, hats off to that.
    The only 2 aspects that I feel u could/should improve on a little more are:

    1 -> changing up the dialogue a little in regards of recurring events.

    for example:
    i've noticed u often make a character ask max wether or not he's ready.
    so instead of simply asking that, u could write things like:
    - "You sure seem ready for your gym-battle max!"
    or have max really excited and have a gym-leader say:
    - "Seeing you all energetic like that really gets me pumped up max! Let's have a pokemon-battle neither of us will ever forget!"

    Just stuff like that... Otherwise the dialogue will start to become a little bit boring or repetitive at times.

    2 -> This is my personal opinion, but occasionally, i feel like u could flesh out the battle-manoeuvres more, instead of simply describing the the attack.

    for example:
    roxanne: "Probopass, use iron head!"

    Probopass: probo!! (Probopass’s whole body glows metallic grey as it consists only of a head, and charges at treecko with full power.)

    max (an idea pops in his head): "dodge it, and try to knock it off ballance with a pound-attack Treecko!"

    Treecko: Tree~! (It charges towards probopass with its amazing speed, and just as they are about to collide, treecko dodges to probopass' left side,
    spins and lands a powerfull pound attack, knocking it into the ground as it lost its ballance.)

    max: "Great! Now finishe it with bulletseed!"

    Treecko: Treee~cko~cko~cko~cko!! (a barrage of seed-bullets fly towards the still slightly dazed Probopass)

    Roxanne: "Quick probopass, use sandstorm!

    Probopass: (quickly gets up) Probopaaaa~s! (it yells and a huge sand-storm appears, changing the course of the bullet seed-attack & making it miss)

    (Max as well as Treecko can’t see anything)

    Roxanne: “Use your nose to navigate and use Iron Head once more!”

    etc...

    Though it could very well be that u allready improved on these aspects allready in later chapters, in which case I apollogise for giving this kind of
    contructive criticism too early.

    Feel free to add me to the pm-list.

  4. #604
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    Quote Originally Posted by Charizard-Fan View Post
    Pretty good chapter, and very battle-focused one.
    Ash vs Manny was pretty short but I liked it because it showed that Kingler is an owner and Ash is a strong trainer. As for Max vs Roland, it was longer battle. It felt pretty intense to me, and I was surprised to see Marshtomp winning only barely. I also liked Max's strategy in that battle. I'm already looking forward to the next chapter and I wonder what kind of match-ups there's going to be in it.
    Thank you! I was kinda surprised that Marshtomp won barely, but I guess it was because of confusion and Water Guns.
    Quote Originally Posted by Pokemon,master View Post
    Very good chapter, LOTS OF BATTLING!! Marlon should be here!
    Thanks! Ahaha Marlon
    Quote Originally Posted by PaddysTurtwigFanClub View Post
    Hi Raymon =D.
    Good chapter and no mistakes i can think of. Ash and manny's battle was great, a great and heated battle. I actually thought ash was gonna loose!
    Max's battle was nice and long and described beautifully =D. Good use of strategies for lanturn. But Marshtomp was the best description in my opinion, and am glad in the end max won! Round 2 it is ..
    Hi Paddy =D
    No mistakes? That's good
    I am glad you liked the descriptions, and Round 2 it is.... you'll see soon
    Quote Originally Posted by Quilava42 View Post
    Very interesting chapter, and Kingler is boss! A few grammar errors like,
    This sentence is a bit weird itself, if you say, showing that it's tired, do you mean that it breathes harshly?
    Anyways, you're doing better!
    Thanks!) Well, this was the only sentence I was not sure about. I agree that this sentence is weird.
    Quote Originally Posted by Blazicken View Post
    Hi, I've been reading up on this fan-fic, and I just finished reading the 16th chapter.
    So far, I have to say the story has been quite decent, the characters are likable and the action-sequences are decently thought-out.
    Feel free to add me to the pm-list.
    Hi!) Thanks for your comment. I am happy that finally I have a new person in my PM list. It was a very long time since somebody New asked me to do that
    About the dialogue changes, thanks, but I am not sure whether or not you'll notice these changes in next Chapters.
    And don't worry, that's fine that you comment too early.
    Added you to the PM list!

  5. #605
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    Allright, I just finished reading chapter 27, and so far, i have to say the story has been getting more interesting, plus it has a sollid pacing.
    The battle-sequences are also fleshed out pretty well sometimes which is good, keep that up. (do it whenever u see an opportunity)
    I still spot grammar mistakes here and there, thus u should try rereading the chapters (when you have time) and try finding them yourself.
    Only the dialogue could be slightly more diverse at times imo, but i'm sure that as you keep writing, you'll learn & improve on that eventually.
    Last edited by Blazicken; 11th February 2013 at 3:28 AM.

  6. #606
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    Quote Originally Posted by Blazicken View Post
    Allright, I just finished reading chapter 27, and so far, i have to say the story has been getting more interesting, plus it has a sollid pacing.
    The battle-sequences are also fleshed out pretty well sometimes which is good, keep that up. (do it whenever u see an opportunity)
    I still spot grammar mistakes here and there, thus u should try rereading the chapters (when you have time) and try finding them yourself.
    Only the dialogue could be slightly more diverse at times imo, but i'm sure that as you keep writing, you'll learn & improve on that eventually.
    Wow, you read very fast! That means that you like my fic, and that's great
    I am glad that you like how I describe my battles, plot, and the whole story.
    Please write back once you've read 34th chapter(all I have for this moment)

  7. #607
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    Pm list please Raymon!
    WANT TO START SHINY HUNTING ON THE GBA, ANYONE GOT ANYHELP FOR ME PLEASE?!


    Current fanfics:

    PMD: Explorers of Space----Prologue! (On Hold)

    Coming soon:
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  8. #608
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    Hi! I'm participating the Review Game! I read all of the chapters available now.

    Now, this Chapter and story is awesome! The best Anime-based story I have ever seen. The idea of Max travelling the entire Hoenn region as a trainer is a great idea! I like how Max is already a very good Pokemon trainer even though he just started out as one! But it makes sense because he already traveled the region.

    The opening is quite good for the Chapters. I like the idea of Script writing. It makes the Story easy to understand.

    The Chapters does have some flaws but their not major(You know Grammars and stuff). Plus every story has flaws.

    I really like how descriptive the Chapters are. I mean, when I read the other chapters,and I literally envision what it would look like. I normally had a hard time understanding the story made by other people. But this story, I can read it and understand it with ease.

    Though I like how you made the battles and making interesting dialogs between characters. I like how Barry is still Barry

    I mean the story is like a new season from the Anime itself, only in script form. The pace of this story is quite a good amount.

    The characters in this fic is very very identical to when their in the Anime itself. I highly suggest you bring Brock in this Fic, because I bet everyone wants to see him being punched by Croagunk and get his ears pulled by Max.

    The tournament scene is very nice and detailed. I like how you made a battle tournament which features Wallace and Juan. I also like how you introduced Barry. But it seems as though you're sending alot of characters from the Diamond and Pearl series into Hoenn. But, Hey you're the writer! This fic is your oyster.

    I can also see why people like this Fics. Who wouldn't? But becareful. Some people who don't like the Anime, might not like this fics. But I doubt these people would leave a negative comment. With the Moderators around here.

    As you can tell I like this Fanfiction, And I hope you get a place in the 2012 Nominations!.

    So Dormant signing off..(P.S. I hope this review is helpful, if not then sorry!)


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  9. #609
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dormant View Post
    The best Anime-based story I have ever seen.
    I really like how descriptive the Chapters are. I mean, when I read the other chapters,and I literally envision what it would look like. I normally had a hard time understanding the story made by other people. But this story, I can read it and understand it with ease.
    The characters in this fic are very very identical to when their in the Anime itself. I highly suggest you bring Brock in this Fic, because I bet everyone wants to see him being punched by Croagunk and get his ears pulled by Max.

    The tournament scene is very nice and detailed. I like how you made a battle tournament which features Wallace and Juan. I also like how you introduced Barry. But it seems as though you're sending alot of characters from the Diamond and Pearl series into Hoenn. But, Hey you're the writer! This fic is your oyster.


    As you can tell I like this Fanfiction, And I hope you get a place in the 2012 Nominations!
    (P.S. I hope this review is helpful, if not then sorry!)
    The best start of a review I could get
    Thank you very much for your comment. I really enjoyed reading it!

    One of my goals in this fic is to make the character as close as they are in the Anime. I really try to think how they talk, and what they usually do.

    Well, I like the characters of Barry and Dawn, and I know that people like them as well. That's why I brought them into my fic.

    Thank you! I hope I'll get a place there.

    Your comment was very helpful, believe me

  10. #610
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    Very good, I'll be looking forward to more. Please add me to the PM list.


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  11. #611
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    Quote Originally Posted by VioiV View Post
    Pm list please Raymon!
    Quote Originally Posted by rpryor03 View Post
    Very good, I'll be looking forward to more. Please add me to the PM list.
    Thanks for your comments, but in order to be on my PM List, write constructive posts. It means that:
    Quote Originally Posted by bobandbill View Post
    Just a public warning to all reviewers; the fanfiction rules state that your rules actually have to say something useful and specific to the story.

    In other words, reviews like 'Great filler' or 'Great Chapter, I enjoyed ___' do not abide by those rules, because you can say the same sort of thing to every other fic. Please spend a bit more time with your reviews; say what you liked and why you liked it for instance, and maybe what you didn't like as much and while. Throw in your thoughts about what happened (e.g. 'This part was quite exciting to read') or the characters ('This new character seems like a douche I think he's the villain') and make it more than a one-liner. That way the author gets some more feedback about the story as well and can improve.

  12. #612
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    Character appearance list:
    Max: Was in all of the chapters

    Norman:The 1st Chapter: The Starter Pokemon!
    The 2nd Chapter: First Battle!
    The 3rd Chapter: The home is where the Start is!
    The 13th Chapter: A call indeed!
    The 27th Chapter: Electrifying gym battle! (Part Two)
    The 28th Chapter: What's next, Max?

    Caroline:The 1st Chapter: The Starter Pokemon!
    The 3rd Chapter: The home is where the Start is!
    The 13th Chapter: A call indeed!
    The 27th Chapter: Electrifying gym battle! (Part Two)
    The 28th Chapter: What's next, Max?

    Drake:The 1st Chapter: The Starter Pokemon!

    Steven:The 1st Chapter: The Starter Pokemon!

    Professor Birch:The 1st Chapter: The Starter Pokemon!

    Calvin:The 2nd Chapter: First Battle!

    Forrest:The 4th Chapter: The first step is always the hardest!
    The 5th Chapter: A road to success!
    The 6th Chapter: The Master Quiz!
    The 7th Chapter: Unprepared Experience!
    The 8th Chapter: The Lucky Ending!
    The 9th chapter: All the way to Devon!
    The 10th Chapter: Taking a different path to Dewford!
    The 11th Chapter: Finding a way out!(Part One)
    The 12th Chapter: Finding a way out!(Part Two)
    The 13th Chapter: A call indeed!
    The 14th Chapter: Remembering is always a good thing!
    The 15th Chapter: It’s getting buggy here!
    The 16th Chapter: The second badge is on the wave!
    The 17th Chapter: When the things go another way! (Part One!)
    The 18th Chapter: When the things go another way! (Part Two!)

    Forrester:The 4th Chapter: The first step is always the hardest!
    The 5th Chapter: A road to success!
    The 17th Chapter: When the things go another way! (Part One!)
    The 18th Chapter: When the things go another way! (Part Two!)

    Cassidy and Butch:The 4th Chapter: The first step is always the hardest!
    The 5th Chapter: A road to success!
    The 23rd chapter: New Mauville trouble!

    Roxanne:The 6th Chapter: The Master Quiz!
    The 7th Chapter: Unprepared Experience!
    The 8th Chapter: The Lucky Ending!

    Mr.Stone:The 9th chapter: All the way to Devon!

    Brawly:The 10th Chapter: Taking a different path to Dewford!
    The 11th Chapter: Finding a way out!(Part One)
    The 16th Chapter: The second badge is on the wave!
    The 17th Chapter: When the things go another way! (Part One!)

    Randy:The 10th Chapter: Taking a different path to Dewford!
    The 11th Chapter: Finding a way out!(Part One)
    The 12th Chapter: Finding a way out!(Part Two)
    The 13th Chapter: A call indeed!
    The 14th Chapter: Remembering is always a good thing!
    The 15th Chapter: It’s getting buggy here!
    The 16th Chapter: The second badge is on the wave!
    The 17th Chapter: When the things go another way! (Part One!)
    The 18th Chapter: When the things go another way! (Part Two!)

    Old Man Swamp:The 12th Chapter: Finding a way out!(Part Two)

    Proffesoar Oak and Tracey:The 13th Chapter: A call indeed!

    Ash:The 13th Chapter: A call indeed!
    The 28th Chapter: What's next, Max?
    The 32nd Chapter: Training never hurts!
    The 33rd Chapter: Round one, begin! (Part One)
    The 34th Chapter: Round one, begin! (Part Two)

    Forrest and Forrester's Mother:The 18th Chapter: When the things go another way! (Part Two!)

    Mr. Briney:The 20th Chapter: Gotta’ see you later!
    The 29th Chapter: Fasten your sea belt!

    Archie:The 20th Chapter: Gotta’ see you later!
    The 29th Chapter: Fasten your sea belt!
    The 30th Chapter: A friend's in need!

    Benjamin:The 21st Chapter: Electric road showdown!
    The 28th Chapter: What's next, Max?
    The 29th Chapter: Fasten your sea belt!

    Sho:The 21st Chapter: Electric road showdown!

    Wattson:
    The 21st Chapter: Electric road showdown!
    The 22nd Chapter: Fight your fear, Mudkip!
    The 23rd chapter: New Mauville trouble!
    The 24th Chapter: Elekid is my new friend!
    The 25th Chapter: Let's charge for the Gym battle!
    The 26th Chapter: Electrifying gym battle! (Part One)
    The 27th Chapter: Electrifying gym battle! (Part Two)

    Dawn:The 30th Chapter: A friend's in need!
    The 31st Chapter: The reunion!
    The 32nd Chapter: Training never hurts!
    The 33rd Chapter: Round one, begin! (Part One)
    The 34th Chapter: Round one, begin! (Part Two)

    Barry:The 32nd Chapter: Training never hurts!
    The 33rd Chapter: Round one, begin! (Part One)
    The 34th Chapter: Round one, begin! (Part Two)

    I made it for people who'd like not to read not all the story, but chapters that focussed on their favourite characters But still, I insist on reading all of the story
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 12th February 2013 at 8:50 PM.

  13. #613
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    Quote Originally Posted by RealRaymon View Post
    Character appearance list:
    Max: Was in all of the chapters

    Norman:The 1st Chapter: The Starter Pokemon!
    The 2nd Chapter: First Battle!
    The 3rd Chapter: The home is where the Start is!
    The 13th Chapter: A call indeed!
    The 27th Chapter: Electrifying gym battle! (Part Two)
    The 28th Chapter: What's next, Max?

    Caroline:The 1st Chapter: The Starter Pokemon!
    The 3rd Chapter: The home is where the Start is!
    The 13th Chapter: A call indeed!
    The 27th Chapter: Electrifying gym battle! (Part Two)
    The 28th Chapter: What's next, Max?

    Drake:The 1st Chapter: The Starter Pokemon!

    Steven:The 1st Chapter: The Starter Pokemon!

    Professor Birch:The 1st Chapter: The Starter Pokemon!

    Calvin:The 2nd Chapter: First Battle!

    Forrest:The 4th Chapter: The first step is always the hardest!
    The 5th Chapter: A road to success!
    The 6th Chapter: The Master Quiz!
    The 7th Chapter: Unprepared Experience!
    The 8th Chapter: The Lucky Ending!
    The 9th chapter: All the way to Devon!
    The 10th Chapter: Taking a different path to Dewford!
    The 11th Chapter: Finding a way out!(Part One)
    The 12th Chapter: Finding a way out!(Part Two)
    The 13th Chapter: A call indeed!
    The 14th Chapter: Remembering is always a good thing!
    The 15th Chapter: It’s getting buggy here!
    The 16th Chapter: The second badge is on the wave!
    The 17th Chapter: When the things go another way! (Part One!)
    The 18th Chapter: When the things go another way! (Part Two!)

    Forrester:The 4th Chapter: The first step is always the hardest!
    The 5th Chapter: A road to success!
    The 17th Chapter: When the things go another way! (Part One!)
    The 18th Chapter: When the things go another way! (Part Two!)

    Cassidy and Butch:The 4th Chapter: The first step is always the hardest!
    The 5th Chapter: A road to success!
    The 23rd chapter: New Mauville trouble!

    Roxanne:The 6th Chapter: The Master Quiz!
    The 7th Chapter: Unprepared Experience!
    The 8th Chapter: The Lucky Ending!

    Mr.Stone:The 9th chapter: All the way to Devon!

    Brawly:The 10th Chapter: Taking a different path to Dewford!
    The 11th Chapter: Finding a way out!(Part One)
    The 16th Chapter: The second badge is on the wave!
    The 17th Chapter: When the things go another way! (Part One!)

    Randy:The 10th Chapter: Taking a different path to Dewford!
    The 11th Chapter: Finding a way out!(Part One)
    The 12th Chapter: Finding a way out!(Part Two)
    The 13th Chapter: A call indeed!
    The 14th Chapter: Remembering is always a good thing!
    The 15th Chapter: It’s getting buggy here!
    The 16th Chapter: The second badge is on the wave!
    The 17th Chapter: When the things go another way! (Part One!)
    The 18th Chapter: When the things go another way! (Part Two!)

    Old Man Swamp:The 12th Chapter: Finding a way out!(Part Two)

    Proffesoar Oak and Tracey:The 13th Chapter: A call indeed!

    Ash:The 13th Chapter: A call indeed!
    The 28th Chapter: What's next, Max?
    The 32nd Chapter: Training never hurts!
    The 33rd Chapter: Round one, begin! (Part One)
    The 34th Chapter: Round one, begin! (Part Two)

    Forrest and Forrester's Mother:The 18th Chapter: When the things go another way! (Part Two!)

    Mr. Briney:The 20th Chapter: Gotta’ see you later!
    The 29th Chapter: Fasten your sea belt!

    Archie:The 20th Chapter: Gotta’ see you later!
    The 29th Chapter: Fasten your sea belt!
    The 30th Chapter: A friend's in need!

    Benjamin:The 21st Chapter: Electric road showdown!
    The 28th Chapter: What's next, Max?
    The 29th Chapter: Fasten your sea belt!

    Sho:The 21st Chapter: Electric road showdown!

    Wattson:
    The 21st Chapter: Electric road showdown!
    The 22nd Chapter: Fight your fear, Mudkip!
    The 23rd chapter: New Mauville trouble!
    The 24th Chapter: Elekid is my new friend!
    The 25th Chapter: Let's charge for the Gym battle!
    The 26th Chapter: Electrifying gym battle! (Part One)
    The 27th Chapter: Electrifying gym battle! (Part Two)

    Dawn:The 30th Chapter: A friend's in need!
    The 31st Chapter: The reunion!
    The 32nd Chapter: Training never hurts!
    The 33rd Chapter: Round one, begin! (Part One)
    The 34th Chapter: Round one, begin! (Part Two)

    Barry:The 32nd Chapter: Training never hurts!
    The 33rd Chapter: Round one, begin! (Part One)
    The 34th Chapter: Round one, begin! (Part Two)

    I made it for people who'd like not to read not all the story, but chapters that focused on their favourite characters But still, I insist on reading all of the story

    Why not put it in the first post and edit it, so others can see it more?


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  14. #614
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    Quote Originally Posted by Quilava42 View Post
    Why not put it in the first post and edit it, so others can see it more?
    I think that it contains spoilers, so, in order to see that, they should click it and check the information they need on a completely different page
    P.S. added it on to the first post
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 12th February 2013 at 10:55 PM.

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    From the REVIEW GAME:

    I recently started catching up with this fic, because it's pretty famous and it's anime based. It seems cool :3

    Quote Originally Posted by RealRaymon View Post
    The 30th Chapter: A friend's in need!

    ---------------------------------------------

    Max: "Climb aboard, Ralts!" (Squats)

    Ralts (nods and climbs on his back): "Ralts!"

    Max: "I'll be your transportation on this journey!"

    May (with a wondering voice): "Max, are you sure you are up to that?"

    Max: "Why, you don't think I am? Listen, everyone! I now take on full responsibility for this Ralts."

    Ash: "Great! That's the spirit, Max!"

    Pikachu (agrees with Ash): "Pika-pika!"

    Max: "So, let's go!"


    ---------------------------------------------

    (Max opens his eyes and sees that Archie is looking at him.)

    Archie (wondering): "Are you okay, Max?"

    Wait, if Archie's standing in front of Max, who's manning the submarine? Also, Archie asking Max if he's ok seems a little bit awkward. Archie should be able to tell if Max is sleeping right? Though I liked the part where Max gets a dream recount of the day when he met Ralts.

    Max: "Yeah. I think I took a nap."

    I think you can forego the think since I think Max should be able to confirm that he slept.

    Archie: "That's fine. Oh, look!"

    (Max and Archie see an undersea cave.)

    Undersea cave? Do you mean underwater cave? Actually, cave by itself would do.

    Max: "Do you know this cave, Archie?"

    Archie: "I sure do! It is a cave that leads to Sootopolis City!"

    Max: "Really? We are so close!"

    Archie (with a kind and happy voice): "Even closer than you think!"

    How many caves are there that lead to Sootopolis? Just wondering. I find using 'a' rather than 'the' a bit odd. If there's multiple, I believe "one of the caves" would be the better way to say it. For singular, you know the drill :3

    (They swim through the cave and it becomes dark. Archie turns the submarine lights on. After some time, they see a way out, which is in the end of the tunnel. After it becomes bright again, Archie turns the lights off. He pulls the lever up and the submarine rises to the surface.)

    Cool descriptions here. Just two mistakes I spotted. They aren't "swimming" but rather in a submarine. I'm pretty sure swim can't be used with submarines. So navigate is a better word. Also, I believe it's "at" the end of the tunnel. Other than that, nice descriptions on going onto the surface of Sootopolis.

    Archie: "Here we are!"

    Max: "Yeah! We are finally here!"

    (They look up at the great Sootopolis City, with many white buildings towering above them. Archie points at a harbor. He moors the submarine.)

    Archie: "Here we are. Max, I need to go now, but I hope you find your friend. The best of luck to you, Max!"

    Max: "You can't imagine how much I owe it to you, Archie! But why are you leaving so quickly?"

    Archie: "I have some of my grunts waiting for me in my headquarters near Mossdeep City. And you know that Briney needs my help as well."

    Max (nods): "I wish you the best of luck, too."

    (They shake hands, and they split their ways. Max is very eager to find his friend and he has a beaming smile. He starts remembering the places. The places through which he ran with weak Ralts.)

    I like your descriptions of the city. "And they split their ways" sounds a bit awkward, I think it should be "and split ways". Though that sounds awkward as well... man xD

    ---------------------------------------------

    Max (is running as fast as he can): "Don't worry, Ralts! We'll be at the Pokemon Center in no time! Just hang in there..."

    Ralts (with a suffering voice): "Ra-alts."


    ---------------------------------------------

    Max: "I can't believe it! I am going to meet Ralts. I remember the way to the Pokemon Center. I can't forget that day. I'll find it."

    (After some search he finds a huge wooden building with huge letters and a Pokeball sign on it.)

    Max (stands near the entrance): "Here it is. Nothing has changed."

    ----------------------------------------------

    Nurse Joy (comes out of the room where she cured Ralts): "Your Ralts is going to be fine."

    Max: "Can I see it?" (Runs to Ralts without permission.)

    Ralts (sees Max): "Ralts?"

    Max: "Hi there!"

    (Max runs to hug Ralts. Ralts happily jump into his arms.)

    Ralts (smiles): "Ra-a-lts!"


    ----------------------------------------------

    (Max stands near the Pokemon Center.)

    Max: "The same place where we said goodbye to each other..." (Starts remembering again.)

    ----------------------------------------------

    Max (to Ralts): “Goodbye Ralts, take care of yourself. Be good, okay?”

    Ralts (surprised): “Ra-alts?”

    (Ralts starts crying, runs and jumps into Max’s arms.)

    Max (cries): “Oh, Ralts, I love you too!”

    (Gardevoir, Kirlia, Ash, Brock, May and Nurse Joy stand near a Pokemon Center. Max and Ralts keep hugging.)

    Max (unwillingly stops huggimg): “Time to go now…”

    Ralts (doesn’t want to go) “Ra-aalts. Raa-lts…”

    Max (answers with a serious voice): I don’t want to go either. But we don’t have the other choice. What do you think when I become older? Would you like to travel with me?”

    Ralts (answers happily and nods): “Ralts. Ralts!”

    Max (happily): “That’s awesome! You can count on me. I'll come back some day.”

    Ralts: “Ralts!”

    (Kirlia and Gardevoir tell Ralts that it is time to go.)

    Max: “So, that’s a deal.”

    (Max looks at Gardevoir.)

    Gardevoir (agrees and nods): “Garde-voir!”

    (Then Gardevoir, Kirlia and Ralts disappear.)

    Ralts (tells Max): “Promise me Max, promise that you’ll come back to take me.”

    Max (answers loudly): “Yes Ralts! I promise you I will come back for you!”

    ------------------------------------------------------

    No errors here. I think. I liked how you gave some background flashbacks for the benefit of people who did not watch the episode. I like your flashback-present shift.

    (Tears appear on Max's face and he starts crying. Then he becomes serious and shouts with all the confidence he has.)

    Max: "Kirlia! Gardevoir! Do you hear me? I came back for Ralts like I promised!" (He waits a bit.) "I am here to take Ralts with me! Do you remember?" (Then he starts getting sad.) "No, this can't be...Ralts, are you here, my dear friend? I came back for you!"

    (After that a wind starts blowing at Max and he sees a familiar blue light.)

    ------------------------------------------------------

    Max: "Hey! You must be the real Gardevoir and Kirlia, aren't you? Are you really the friends of Ralts?"

    Gardevoir (tries to take sick Ralts back): "Gardevoir."

    Max: "No, you can't take it!"

    Gardevoir (is very surprised): "Gardevoir?"

    Kirlia (is also surprised, but is angry as well): "Kirlia?"

    Max: "Ralts is in a very bad shape now, and I got to get it to the Pokemon Center before it's to late. You have to believe me! I'll bring it back as soon as it's better. Trust me, please!"


    ------------------------------------------------------
    Max (surprised as he sees a familiar light): "Oh, it is you!" (Looks at Kirlia and Gardevoir)

    Gardevoir (nods): "Garde-voir."

    Max: "Thank you again for the opportunity you gave me that day."

    Kirlia (happily): "Kirlia!" (Points at Max, thanking him instead.)

    Max (starts smiling again): "But where is Ralts? Is it with you?"

    (Suddenly Gardevoir and Kirlia become sad.)

    Max: "Isn't it with you?"

    Gardevoir (shakes its head): "Garde-voir."

    Max (looks down): "Oh no..." (Starts crying) "Ralts, where are you?"

    (Kirlia and Gardevoir go closer, and put their arms on Max's shoulder.)

    Kirlia (shakes its head and smiles): "Kirlia."

    Gardevoir: "Garde-voir." (Points its arm at the back direction.)

    (Suddenly something starts glowing behind Max.)

    Max (to Gardevoir): "What are you trying to tell me?"

    Gardevoir (keeps pointing in direction behind Max): "Garde-voir."

    (Max looks behind him and makes a pause. He is stunned.)

    Max (starts smiling): "I can't believe it! Ralts!"

    I like the part where Gardevoir and Kirlia trolled Max. Eh, it was enjoyable. When I read this, I was originally thinking "what happened did Ralts *insert word*? It was a good way of suspense that ends up happily.

    (Max runs towards Ralts and Ralts does the same. They start hugging each other.)

    Max: "Ralts, I missed you!" (Starts crying, but this time because of happiness.)

    Ralts (happily): "Ralts!"

    Gardevoir (smiles and looks at Kirlia): "Gardevoir!"

    Kirlia (nods): "Kirlia!"

    Max: "I am so glad that you are fine, Ralts!"

    Ralts: "Ralts!"

    (As they keep hugging, the unknown person looks at Max and Ralts.)

    ???: "Oh, they are so cu-u-ute!"

    ???: "Pi-piplup!"

    DAWN!!! <3

    The end of the 30th Chapter.

    The end of Max's New Adventures: In a search for the friend
    I like your script writing. It has a really good continuity plot for Max. Though this made me wonder, is this before or after the Junior Cup? If before... never mind xD

    Anyways, this chapter is interesting. It is a nice way for Max to be reintroduced with Ralts and you have pulled it off well. You might want to read through it a few times to spot some small word errors that pop up a few times. It's not very major, and fixable.

    Cheers~

    //also, add me to the PM List please :3 Wait, VM List?

    Credits to Sworn Metalhead

    ASB Squad

  16. #616
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    Quote Originally Posted by OceanicLanturn View Post
    From the REVIEW GAME:
    I recently started catching up with this fic, because it's pretty famous and it's anime based. It seems cool :3

    I like your script writing. It has a really good continuity plot for Max. Though this made me wonder, is this before or after the Junior Cup? If before... never mind xD

    Anyways, this chapter is interesting. It is a nice way for Max to be reintroduced with Ralts and you have pulled it off well. You might want to read through it a few times to spot some small word errors that pop up a few times. It's not very major, and fixable.

    Cheers~

    also, add me to the PM List please :3 Wait, VM List?
    Really, is it pretty fanous?

    Thanks. The story takes place after the end of D&P, and Before Unova. So, that means that Unova Cup has not started yet.

    Yeah, I agree with you. I try to proofread my chapters a few times, and my readers spot out some mistakes, and I correct them afterwards. Even after that, there are some, but I can't make chapters 100% correct, you know

    Cheers!

    PM List!)Not VM. It means Prestige Members, LOL
    Added you!

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    Yeah... Finally decided to read the latest chapter.

    I liked the battle between Manny and Ash, and Roland and Max was good as well. The trainers before Max were also said, are they going to be COtD's or something? :P


    Also, yayz Lanturn :3

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    Quote Originally Posted by dirkac View Post
    Yeah... Finally decided to read the latest chapter.

    I liked the battle between Manny and Ash, and Roland and Max was good as well. The trainers before Max were also said, are they going to be COtD's or something? :P
    3
    Yeah...
    Thanks for your comment
    I have no need for them in the future, so, yeah, they are COTD.

  19. #619

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    Another good chapter!
    The battles were fairly well described and i loved the details in Max's battles. And again i like how you included random trainer battles. I can't wait for the next round - hopefully some of the main characters will face each other. Also, i liked how you showed Max's admiration of Ash, i'm kind of hoping the student will beat the teacher Now its on to grammar and stuff:

    Dawn: “Ash is very determined!”

    Max: “I think this battle will be very easy for Ash.”

    Barry: “I am interested to see the teamwork between Ash and Kingler.”
    To me this seems very robotic. It's good to describe a situation like this but the lines don't seem very natural. It's tricky to prevent happening sometimes. But here is what i would suggest writing
    Dawn: Hmm, Ash seems really determined.

    Max: Yeah, but I think this will just be too easy for him.

    Barry: Well I'm just excited to see how Kingler and Ash work together.
    Still this is not perfect but to me it seems more natural.

    Manny: "Thank you!" (Comes upstairs.)

    (Ash comes upstairs to his friends, and they congratulate him on winning the battle.)
    The word 'comes' in both of these lines should be replaced by goes, especially in the first instance, though not so much in the second.

    Ash: "So, Max is only one to battle!"
    This sentence is a bit raggedy. It sort of suggests that none of the other characters will battle again in the entire comp, So, Max is the only one yet to battle. This fits better, it suggests that they will all battle again, ad it has the to make it tidier.

    (Kingdra shoots a light blue sphere at Wallrein. Wallrein releases an icy beam. Attacks collide, and seems to be equal.
    Here you need The before 'attacks collide' at the start of the third sentence, it is just more correct.

    (He stands and sees a young man, with brown hair, that has a very cool look
    As you are talking about a person replace 'that' with who.

    Marshtomp (snaps out of confusion):
    Can we have a description of how Marshtomp snaps out of confusion? Does he shake his head and become focused; regain balance after losing it? Something like this will mean the reader can get a much better image of HOW Marshtomp snaps out of confusion

    So that's that, another good chapter and i can't wait for the next!
    Everything seems normal, with Joe and Adam venturing on their quest through Kanto, but what is the mysterious Team Storm planning?

    Pokemon: Kanto Legends

    Come on the Mighty Infernape!

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    Hey Ramon
    You're doing a good job with your writing. Sorry I haven't posted recently. I just caught up. I'm especially liking the characters who you are re-introducing and most if your battles. Please continue to PM me when making a new chapter; I'll try my best to keep up.

  21. #621

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    Hello sorry I haven't reviewed the last 2 chapters, I was busy. Anyways here I go XD

    The 1st chapter of the water tournament was very interesting. Barry returning and entering the tournament along with Ash, Dawn, and Max will make this a very entertaining tournament. Alos the battles are very well written and very detailed. I also like how both of these chapters are mostly about the battles in the tournaments. I can't wait to see if Max, Dawn, Ash, or Barry will battle against each other soon. That would make the match ups a little more interesting.
    Quote Originally Posted by Canada View Post
    Biggest Fan of the Diamond and Pearl Series: Dawn+Serena Fan

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    Quote Originally Posted by morningsun View Post
    Hey Raymon
    You're doing a good job with your writing. Sorry I haven't posted recently. I just caught up. I'm especially liking the characters who you are re-introducing and most if your battles. Please continue to PM me when making a new chapter; I'll try my best to keep up.
    I will.
    Quote Originally Posted by DawnBoy View Post
    Hello sorry I haven't reviewed the last 2 chapters, I was busy. Anyways here I go XD
    The 1st chapter of the water tournament was very interesting. Barry returning and entering the tournament along with Ash, Dawn, and Max will make this a very entertaining tournament. Alos the battles are very well written and very detailed. I also like how both of these chapters are mostly about the battles in the tournaments. I can't wait to see if Max, Dawn, Ash, or Barry will battle against each other soon. That would make the match ups a little more interesting.
    That's okay, but try to make longer reviews
    I am glad you liked the tourney, and thank you for the comment,
    I'll think about main characters meeting each other in the next round

    EDIT: Here is my preview of the next chapter

    Preview:

    (Ash, Max, Dawn, and Barry are in a hurry, as they try to get to the stadium in time. They enter the stadium, and hear the announcer.)

    Announcer: "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! The second round of the Water Specialty tournament will be held today. 32 participants, who won their matches yesterday, will battle today!"

    (Ash, Max, Dawn, and Barry take their seats.)

    Dawn (with angry voice): "Ash, I told you that we haven't had a time for lunch!"

    Ash: "I can't battle on an empty stomach, Dawn!"

    Barry: "Calm down, guys. Look at the screen!"

    (They look at the screen and see the tournament bracket with pictures of the participants.)

    Announcer: "And here you have it! It is today's bracket!"

    Ash: "Hey, I am against another girl!" (smiles mischievously) "I guess it is another easy win for me..."

    Pikachu (agrees with Ash): "Pikachu!"

    Barry: "We'll see about that, Ash! You better not lose before I defeat you!"

    Max (looks at the screen): "And I battle right after Ash. I am against that weird lady..." (Looks at a middle-aged lady with brown hair, fat cheeks and a small nose.)

    Dawn: "She really looks strange...But where am I?" (Becomes very surprised) "Huh? I am against Barry!"

    Piplup (with a surprised voice): "Plup?"

    Barry: "You are right, Dawn! But, hey, let's make this battle a memorable one!"

    Dawn (nods): "Right."

    Announcer: "And let us begin the second round!"
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 15th February 2013 at 9:20 PM.

  23. #623
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    Preview was good. I was surprised to find out that Dawn and Barry will face each other. I'm not sure who will win and I'm not sure who I want to win. I know one thing, though: I want to see an intense battle. I also wonder what Pokemon Ash will use in this round.
    Welcome back Charizard! I've missed you so much! <3

  24. #624
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    Hey Raymon =D
    Good preview, I'm intrigued. The next round will be a heated one. Im glad Dawn and Barry are fighting as the last round was a little too comfortable for all of 'our heroes'. Ash should get through but Max's opponent sounds interesting. I can't currently decide between Dawn and Barry. Good preview I'm looking forward to it =D.
    My Shiny Pokemon:

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    Well really long time after, time to review this chapter :P

    Manny: "Thank you!" (Goesupstairs.)
    No space between the words lol XD

    Ash: "So, Max is only one yet to battle!"
    Should be "Max is THE only one yet to battle!"

    Wallrein (yells): "Rein!"
    Walrein has only one L

    Marina: "Use Ice Beam, Wallrein!"
    Same here xp
    You did it in this little part of the chapter every time, just saying :P xD

    Well yeah that was pretty much it

    I liked the chapter, your battle description was really good! I liked when you said Marshtomp closed his left eye because of the damage, it was pretty smart and realistic Good job

    EDIT:

    Thought I'd do this as well :P

    Ash: "I can't battle on empty stomach, Dawn!"
    Should be "I can't battle on AN empty stomach"

    Barry: "We'll see about that, Ash! You better don't lose before I defeat you!"
    And here it should be "You better not lose"

    Well nice preview, now I can't wait to see the battle between Barry and Dawn XD I want either one to win, since Barry didn't get to fight Ash in the Sinnoh league, and I'd also like Dawn to win just to see how she'd battle XD
    Last edited by TheSirPeras; 15th February 2013 at 6:38 PM.

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