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Thread: Max's New Adventures

  1. #626
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    ^what he said

    Quote Originally Posted by RealRaymon View Post

    (They look at the screen. They see the tournament bracket with pictures of the participants.)
    Instead of using "they" 2ce, you could simply use "and".
    They look at the screen and see the tournament bracket with (the) pictures of the participants.

    Quote Originally Posted by RealRaymon View Post

    Announcer: "And here you have it! It is the today's bracket!"
    You can't use "the" in this sentence, u could simply write "It's today's bracket"
    or simply "Today's bracket, ladies and gentlemen!"
    never use a noun when you write "yesterday's" or "today's" before a word.

    Quote Originally Posted by RealRaymon View Post
    Barry: "We'll see about that, Ash! You better don't lose before I defeat you!"
    "You('d) better not lose before I defeat you!" is the right way to express a "threat" like that.

    Quote Originally Posted by RealRaymon View Post
    Max (looks at the screen): "And I battle right after Ash. I am against that weird lady..." (Looks at a middle-aged lady with brown hair and fat cheeks and a small nose.)
    only use "and" at the end, when you want to finish summing up.
    Looks at a middle-aged lady with brown hair, fat cheeks and a small nose.


    Looks like a promissing chapter.
    Last edited by Blazicken; 15th February 2013 at 8:02 PM.

  2. #627
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    Quote Originally Posted by Charizard-Fan View Post
    Preview was good. I was surprised to find out that Dawn and Barry will face each other. I'm not sure who will win and I'm not sure who I want to win. I know one thing, though: I want to see an intense battle. I also wonder what Pokemon Ash will use in this round.
    You'll get an intense battle. I'll try hard to make the battle intense.
    Quote Originally Posted by PaddysTurtwigFanClub View Post
    Hey Raymon =D
    Good preview, I'm intrigued. The next round will be a heated one. Im glad Dawn and Barry are fighting as the last round was a little too comfortable for all of 'our heroes'. Ash should get through but Max's opponent sounds interesting. I can't currently decide between Dawn and Barry. Good preview I'm looking forward to it =D.
    Hey Paddy =D
    Yeah, I thought that as well, so I made Barry battla against Dawn, even though Max and Marshtomp had a hard time.

    TheSirPeras, Blazicken, thank you very much for noticing the mistakes, I corrected them

  3. #628
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    Sorry! My internet broke! But I'm here now!

    Barry vs Dawn... I can't wait to see it! I would laugh if Ash lose to the girl he deemed easy. But whatever! I can't wait for the next chapter!!


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    Hum, Max's opponent doundsinteresting, wonder what Pokémon she'll use? Maybe a Ludicolo to counter Marchtomp?

    I wonder who Ash'll use, and who he's up against.

    And, Dawn Vs Barry seems interesting, I can't tell who'll win, but I can't tell who I want to win either. But, because both have Piplup/Empoleon, this seems like it's going to be another Evolutionary Battle. Unless Barry uses his Floatzel, or Dawn or Barry end up having new Water Types.

  5. #630
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    I get this feeling that you're building Ash vs Max for the finals and you're writing out Dawn and Barry asap :P

    But yeah, your battles have been pretty good so far. Keep up the good work!

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  6. #631
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dormant View Post
    Sorry! My internet broke! But I'm here now!
    Don't worry!
    Quote Originally Posted by Dormant View Post
    Barry vs Dawn... I can't wait to see it!
    Quote Originally Posted by dirkac View Post
    Dawn Vs Barry seems interesting, I can't tell who'll win, but I can't tell who I want to win either. But, because both have Piplup/Empoleon, this seems like it's going to be another Evolutionary Battle.
    You are really waiting for Dawn vs Barry battle...I'll sure try to make it a great battle!
    Quote Originally Posted by OceanicLanturn View Post
    I get this feeling that you're building Ash vs Max for the finals and you're writing out Dawn and Barry asap :P
    Noppers

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    The 35th Chapter: Second round is a way to look around!

    (Ash, Max, Dawn, and Barry are in a hurry, as they try to get to the stadium in time. They enter the stadium, and hear the announcer.)

    Announcer: "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! The second round of the Water Specialty tournament will be held today. 32 participants, who won their matches yesterday, will battle today!"

    (Ash, Max, Dawn, and Barry take their seats.)

    Dawn (with an angry voice): "Ash, I told you that we wouldn't have time for lunch!"

    Ash: "I can't battle on an empty stomach, Dawn!"

    Barry: "Calm down, guys. Look at the screen!"

    (They look at the screen and see the tournament brackets with pictures of the participants.)

    Announcer: "And here you have today's bracket!"

    Ash: "Hey, I am against another girl!" (smiles mischievously) "I guess it is another easy win for me..."

    Pikachu (agrees with Ash): "Pikachu!"

    Barry: "We'll see about that, Ash! You better not lose before I defeat you!"

    Max (looks at the screen): "And I battle right after Ash. I am against that weird lady..." (Looks at a middle-aged lady with brown hair, fat cheeks and a small nose.)

    Dawn: "She really looks strange...But where am I?" (Becomes very surprised) "Huh? I am against Barry!"

    Piplup (with a surprised voice): "Plup?"

    Barry: "You are right, Dawn! But, hey, let's make this battle a memorable one!"

    Dawn (nods): "Right."

    Announcer: "And let us begin the second round! Kevin and Marley, please begin your battle!"

    Kevin: "Go, Ludicolo!"

    Ludicolo (comes out): "Ludi!"

    Marley: "Go, Pelipper!"

    Pelipper: "Peli!"

    (Dawn takes out his Pokedex. Barry does the same.)

    Dawn: "Ludicolo? I have never heard of this Pokemon!"

    Dawn's Pokedex: "Ludicolo, the Carefree Pokémon. Ludicolo becomes extremely active whenever it hears a cheery rhythm. This can also lead it to exert extreme power in battle."

    Barry: "That must be a really powerful Pokemon!"

    Max: "Yeah, and Ludicolo is also a Grass Pokemon."

    Barry: "Water Pokemon can be Grass as well? That's unbelievable!"

    Dawn: "It sure has an advantage over other Water Pokemon!"

    Barry: "And what is this Pokemon, I wonder?"

    Barry's Pokedex: "Pelipper, the Water Bird Pokémon. Pelipper carries small items in their mouths over long distances and, when tired, rest floating on water."

    Ash: "This one is a Flying Pokemon."

    Barry: "A Flying type against a Grass type? Well, I don't think Ludicolo has the advantage here."

    (They watch the battle, and it is an intense one. Both trainers try their best to win, and their Pokemon get exhausted from the battle.)

    Marley: "This should give us a victory! Use Wing Attack, Pelipper!"

    Pelipper: "Per!" (Pelipper's wings glow white, and it approaches Ludicolo slowly, because of being tired.)

    Kevin (says to himself): "A little bit closer..."

    (Pelipper gets close.)

    Kevin: "Use Razor Leaf, Ludicolo!"

    Ludicolo (starts swinging its' arms and fires razor leafs into Pelipper, and hits it hard.)

    Marley: "No!"

    (Pelipper falls on the platform, and gets knocked out.)

    Announcer: "Kevin wins the match!"

    Kevin: "All right!"

    Announcer: "The second battle will be Dwyane against Chuck!"

    Max: "Hmm...I should think of the tactic I will use in my battle."

    Ash: "Don't worry, Max. I think you'll win!"

    Max (becomes happier): "I won't let you down, Ash!"

    (Meanwhile, several matches go on. A lot of Water Pokemon bravely show their will to battle.)

    Announcer: "The 11th battle will be between Max and Wemma!"

    Max (goes downstairs): "I know I can win!" (Stands on his side and sees a middle-aged lady with brown hair. She has fat cheeks and a small nose, and, in addition, she is rather small and is dressed like a housewife.)

    Max: "Go, Marshtomp!"

    Marshtomp (comes out and smiles): "Marsh!"

    Max: "I believe in you, pal!"

    (Marshtomp turns back and forms an "OK" sign, showing that everything will be fine.)

    Wemma: "Well, well, I'm battling a young man. Max, even though I wish you only the best of luck, I am going to try my best to win!"

    Max (nods): "Okay, mam, let's battle!"

    Wemma: "Let me show you my Wailmer!"

    Wailmer (comes out and has a very serious and determined look): "Wail!"

    Max: "Use Mud Shot!"

    Marshtomp: "Marsh!" (Fires a lot of mud balls at Wailmer.)

    (Wailmer smiles.)

    Wemma (smiles as well): "Use Bounce, Wailmer!"

    Wailmer (jumps high out of the water): "Wail!"

    Max: "Use Water Gun!"

    Marshtomp: "Tomp!" (Starts blasting water at Wailmer)

    (Wailmer starts landing, and Water Gun doesn't do much to it in the process. Wailmer overpowers Water Gun using its' large body and lands on Marshtomp.)

    Max: "No, Marshtomp!"

    (Wailmer sits on Marshtomp, and Marshtomp is trying to get up, but it can't.)

    Max: "Marshtomp, use Dynamicpunch!"

    Marshtomp: "Marsh..." (Its' arm glows white and it lifts its' arm up, and sends Wailmer flying.)

    Wemma: "Oh, no!"

    Max: "Use Mud Shot while Wailmer is in the air!"

    Marshtomp: "Marshtomp!" (Fires a Mud Shot attack, and hits Wailmer.)

    (Wailmer lands into the water, and makes a huge splash. Wailmer is hurt, but quickly recovers, and shows that he has a lot of energy left by smiling and showing its' teeth.)

    Max: "Use Tackle now!"

    Marshtomp: "Marsh!"

    (Marshtomp jumps from one platform to another, and then jumps into the direction of Wailmer.)

    Wemma: "Use Water Spout!"

    Max (with a surprised voice): "Water Spout?"

    Wailmer: "Wail!" (Aims at Marshtomp and blasts water from its' blowhole.)

    Marshtomp (shouts with pain): "Marsh!"

    (Marshtomp is sent far back on the platform. It lands harshly, and is lying on the platform motionless.)

    Max: "Try to get up, Marshtomp!"

    Marshtomp (with a very weak voice): "Marsh..." (stands up)

    Wemma: "Finish it with your Water Gun!"

    Wailmer: "Wail!" (Fires a Water Gun)

    (Marshtomp stands up. It begins to glow light blue.)

    Max: "I know what that is! Right about time, Marshtomp!"

    Marshtomp (stares at approaching Water Gun): "Marsh..."

    Max: "Use Water Gun!"

    Marshtomp: "Marsh!" (Fires a swirling Water Gun attack at high pressure. It counters Wailmer's Water Gun, and overpowers it.)

    Wemma: "What?"

    Wailmer (is hit): "Wail!"

    Max: "Tackle it!"

    (Marshtomp jumps and tackles Wailmer, who is sent far back. It lands on the platform.)

    Wemma: "Use Water Spout, fast!"

    Max: "Water Gun!"

    Wailmer (stands up): "Wailmer!" (Shoots water)

    Marshtomp: "Marsh!" (Uses its' Water Gun attack)

    (The attacks collide, but Water Spout's power is weaker this time, and Water Gun overpowers it and strikes Wailmer.)

    Wailmer : "Wail..." (falls in the water)

    Wemma: "Get up!"

    Wailmer (tries to stand): "Wailmer. Wail." (stand on the platform.)

    Wemma: "Try Water Gun!"

    Max: "Use your Water Gun!"

    Marshtomp: "Marsh!" (Breathes air) "Marsh?" (Looks at Max) "Marshtomp?"

    Wailmer (lies with spiral eyes): "Wail..."

    Max: "Hey! We won!"

    Marshtomp (nods and smiles): "Marsh!"

    Dawn: "Great, Max won!"

    Barry: "Yeah, but what was that anyway?"

    Ash: "You are joking, right?"

    Barry (laughs): "Haha! Of course I know that was Torrent!"

    (They see Max, and congratulate him.)

    Max: "Thanks guys! It was a really difficult battle!"

    Dawn: "I wonder who of us will battle next..."

    Announcer: "The 12th battle will be between Rokie and Sally!"

    Ash: "Not me! Oh, I am so pumped to battle!"

    Dawn: "Me too, Ash! But let's wait!"

    (After some time...)

    Announcer: "the 25th battle is between Ash and Lily."

    Ash: "Yeah! Come with me, Pikachu!"

    Pikachu (climbs on Ash's shoulder): "Pikachu!"

    (Ash goes on the battlefield. He sees a girl in a green dress and with a short haircut.)

    Ash: "Hi, Lily!"

    Lily: "Hi, Ash! Good luck to you!"

    Ash: ''Thanks, you too!"

    Announcer: "A friendly exchange of words from the trainers! The real sign of sportmanship! And begin the battle!"

    Lily: "Go, Gyarados!"

    Gyarados: "Ts-ha-aa!" (Takes a huge amount of water and shouts fiercely.)

    Ash: "You have a Gyarados?"

    Lily: "Can't a little girl like me have a Gyarados? It was silly of you to think not, Ash!"

    Ash (thinks): "Hmm..." (Takes a Pokeball) "I can battle any Pokemon with this one. Go!"

    (As the Pokeball opens, a Pokemon with a brown shell appears. It looks at Gyarados seriously.)

    Ash: "Let's win this battle, Squirtle!"

    Squirtle (looks at Ash and nods): "Squirtle, Squirtle!"

    The end of the 35th Chapter.
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 23rd February 2013 at 12:18 AM.

  8. #633
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    The last two chapters were nice with great battles.I suggest you could add some interactions between the group members who don't have their battle like when Ash is battling,Max,Barry and Dawn could talk a little about the battle moves and abilities like Brock does in the anime.and I have not commented about your spellings and grammars in my last 2-3 reviews because you have really improved it.Best of luck for the next chapter!
        Spoiler:- Completed and Current Playthroughs:

  9. #634
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    A little girl, owning a Gyarados.... ITS THE END!! Nah, Jk. Great Chapter!!


    One Author, One Creator and Two boys. Set in Johto. Where everything is not what it seems. For they must flee from the group called the Grammar Police. And saved the World from an unknown threat.

    Credits to ~BrightStarVictory~ of Subspace Generate Graphics!

    So Bad It's Good and, So Bad It's Good 2: War of the Turkey

    Oneshot(s)! It's-IT'S. It's.....Something. Caution: May shatter your sanity. Read, if you dare.....

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    This was a good chapter. Battle between Max and Wemma was pretty good, and it was nice to see Marshtomp using Torrent. It was also quite amusing when Barry acted like he didn't know that Marshtomp used Torrent. And of course the ending was great. Ash vs Lily started and Lily sent out Gyarados, while Ash sent out his good old Squirtle. I hope it's going to be a good battle and I know I'm going to enjoy seeing Squirtle winning.
    Welcome back Charizard! I've missed you so much! <3

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    Quote Originally Posted by amittal12 View Post
    The last two chapters were nice with great battles.I suggest you could add some interactions between the group members who don't have their battle like when Ash is battling,Max,Barry and Dawn could talk a little about the battle moves and abilities like Brock does in the anime.and I have not commented about your spellings and grammars in my last 2-3 reviews because you have really improved it.Best of luck for the next chapter!
    Thanks! Nice that you are back with us again
    I'll try.
    Wow, that's great to hear!
    Thanks again
    Quote Originally Posted by Dormant View Post
    A little girl, owning a Gyarados.... ITS THE END!! Nah, Jk. Great Chapter!!
    Thanks! I was really surprised, too. (When the idea of a little girl, who owns a Gyarados, came into my head.) LOL
    Quote Originally Posted by Charizard-Fan View Post
    This was a good chapter. Battle between Max and Wemma was pretty good, and it was nice to see Marshtomp using Torrent. It was also quite amusing when Barry acted like he didn't know that Marshtomp used Torrent. And of course the ending was great. Ash vs Lily started and Lily sent out Gyarados, while Ash sent out his good old Squirtle. I hope it's going to be a good battle and I know I'm going to enjoy seeing Squirtle winning.
    Thanks for the comment
    Yeah, because Empoleon had Torrent activated in a battle vs Paul.
    Hahaha, I am going to enjoy that as well Of course if Squirtle wins.

  12. #637
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    Quote Originally Posted by RealRaymon View Post
    Announcer: "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! The second round of the Water Specialty tournament will be held today. 32 participants, who won their matches yesterday, will battle today!"
    Here I am not sure if you can start a sentence with a number. From what I've learned you should start with "Thirty two participants", not "32". I am not sure though, so if anyone could clarify this :P

    Dawn: "It sure has advantage over other Water Pokemon!"
    It sure has AN advantage xD
    The "an" and "a" can be quite tricky xD

    Announcer: "The second battle will be Dwyane against Chuck!"
    I am not sure if you actually meant Dwyane, or you meant Dwayne? xD

    (Marshtomp turns back and forms "OK" sign, showing that everything will be fine.)
    "and forms AN "OK" sign" :P

    Wemma: "Well, well, I battle a young man. But, Max, despite I wish you only the luck, I'll try my best to win!"
    Here I'm again not sure... I'm not sure if "I battle a young man" is correct. I think it should be "I'm battling a young man" OR "I'll battle a young man". I am not sure though, so if anyone could clarify this

    Wemma: "Let me show my Wailmer!"
    I'm not sure if you can say this (it doesn't sound right to me). I think it should be Let me show YOU my Wailmer.

    Marshtomp: "Marsh!" (Fires a lot of mud ball at Wailmer.)
    Mud Balls* xD

    (Ash goes on the battlefield. He sees a girl in green dress and a short haircut.)
    "He sees a girl in A green dress and WITH a short haircut"

    Well, I'll admit this chapter had some more grammar errors, but it was still a good chapter. I liked the battle between Wailmer and Marshtomp, it was very well described, and the group interactions were great here And I am really happy to see Squirtle XD Good luck for the next chapters
    Last edited by TheSirPeras; 17th February 2013 at 2:09 PM.

  13. #638
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    Hi raymon =D.
    Great chapter, heated battles well described and a nice cliff-hanger. I have to admit there were a few grammatical errors, but TheSirPeras covered them all.
    This was a very well written chapter. I am surprised that Ludicolo overcame that type disadvantage with Pelipper. But onto 'the main event', Max's battle. I liked the way wailmer mad an appearance, as hes often overlooked. But this battle was great. It was long, well contested and described beautifully. I honestly thought Marshtomp was gonna evolve in this battle, but didn't. I'm glad this battle was a bit of a challenge for Max, as if, im honest he's had an easy run so far. But im glad marstomp and his powered-up water gun overcome wailmer.
    Onto Ash... Gyarados??? A little girl with a Gyarados??? And good ol' Squirtle, this is gonna be a good battle, and we have Barry and Dawn to look forward to. You can tell we'll enjoy this...
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  14. #639
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    Quote Originally Posted by TheSirPeras View Post
    Here I am not sure if you can start a sentence with a number. From what I've learned you should start with "Thirty two participants", not "32". I am not sure though, so if anyone could clarify this :P
    I will change that, but I am also not sure how it is supposed to be written.

    It sure has AN advantage xD
    The "an" and "a" can be quite tricky xD
    "and forms AN "OK" sign" :P
    "An" and "a" are sure tricky

    Here I'm again not sure... I'm not sure if "I battle a young man" is correct. I think it should be "I'm battling a young man" OR "I'll battle a young man". I am not sure though, so if anyone could clarify this
    Neither I know how to write that

    I'm not sure if you can say this (it doesn't sound right to me). I think it should be Let me show YOU my Wailmer.
    Yeah, it is better to change to your variant.

    Mud Balls* xD
    Aww..I guess I forgot to write "s" becaus I was in a hurry when I was writing this part

    "He sees a girl in A green dress and WITH a short haircut"
    Yeah, thanks, corrected that.

    I liked the battle between Wailmer and Marshtomp, it was very well described, and the group interactions were great here And I am really happy to see Squirtle XD Good luck for the next chapters
    Thanks! Glad you liked it

    Quote Originally Posted by PaddysTurtwigFanClub View Post
    Hi raymon =D.
    Great chapter, heated battles well described and a nice cliff-hanger. I have to admit there were a few grammatical errors, but TheSirPeras covered them all.
    This was a very well written chapter. I am surprised that Ludicolo overcame that type disadvantage with Pelipper. But onto 'the main event', Max's battle. I liked the way wailmer mad an appearance, as hes often overlooked. But this battle was great. It was long, well contested and described beautifully. I honestly thought Marshtomp was gonna evolve in this battle, but didn't. I'm glad this battle was a bit of a challenge for Max, as if, im honest he's had an easy run so far. But im glad marstomp and his powered-up water gun overcome wailmer.
    Onto Ash... Gyarados??? A little girl with a Gyarados??? And good ol' Squirtle, this is gonna be a good battle, and we have Barry and Dawn to look forward to. You can tell we'll enjoy this...
    Hi, Paddy =D
    Thanks for your comment!
    Max hadn't an easy time with his last opponent. Lanturn did a great job, and Marshtomp was almost out of the match.
    LOLz, this was unexpected, I know that
    Well, I am glad you all are looking forward to these battles
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 17th February 2013 at 4:25 PM.

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    Hey Raymon^^ I'm liking the battles, but I have some time now, so I'm going to go through and correct some of your grammatical errors.

    "Ash, I told you that we haven't had a time for lunch!"
    Should be, "that we wouldn't have time for lunch!"

    "And here you have it! It is today's bracket!"
    Would seem more natural if it were, "And here you have today's bracket!"

    Ash: "Hey, I am against another girl!" (smiles mischievously) "I guess it is another easy win for me..."
    Nothing wrong w/ this one, but that is a pretty sexist comment. I'm surprised Dawn didn't say anything to that remark.

    Barry: "You are right, Dawn! But, hey, let's make this battle a memorable one!"
    Seems awkward. Maybe, "Yep, Dawn, we're battling! Let's make our battle a memorable one!" or something like that would make it sound less weird.

    Ash: "This one is a Flying Pokemon."
    "That" instead of "this"

    Marley: "That should give us a victory! Use Wing Attack, Pelipper!"
    "This" instead of "that"

    A lot of Water Pokemon show their brave will to battle.
    I feel as if "A lot of Water Pokemon bravely show their will to battle" would sound smoother.

    Wemma: "Well, well, I battle a young man. But, Max, despite I wish you only the luck, I'll try my best to win!"
    This is the only really disruptive mistake in the entire passage. I think I know what you're trying to say, but I had to stop and think about it for a little bit. Try, "Well, well, I'm battling a young man. Max, even though I wish you only the best of luck, I am going to try my best to win!" At least that's what I think you're going for.

    Announcer: "The friendly exchange of words from the trainers! The real sign of sportmanship! And begin the battle!"
    Should be, "A friendly exchange" and "Let the battle begin!"

    Lily: "Can't a little girl like me have a Gyarados? It was silly of you to think so, Ash!"
    Because you start your question with the negative, "can't" you have to end it with "It was silly of you to think not, Ash!"

    Ash (thinks): "Hmm..." (Takes a Pokeball) "I can battle every Pokemon with this one. Go!"
    Should be, "I can battle any Pokemon with this one."

    Lastly, you do need a comma when you have a conjunction. However, it isn't a conjunction unless that which is after the connecting word could be a sentence on its own. That means that the sentence would need both a subject and a predicate. Therefore you don't need a comma in a sentence like this: "It counters Wailmer's Water Gun, and overpowers it."

    Sorry for being so nitpicky, but your writing has gone to a higher level than what it was when you started, and I want you to improve even more I like that Squirtle came back.
    Last edited by morningsun; 23rd February 2013 at 12:00 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by morningsun View Post
    Hey Raymon^^ I'm liking the battles, but I have some time now, so I'm going to go through and correct some of your grammatical errors.

    Sorry for being so nitpicky, but your writing has gone to a higher level than what it was when you started, and I want you to improve even more I like that Squirtle came back.
    Thanks for noticing some mistakes! I corrected them

    You are not nitpicky. If I am able to react positively to JX Valentine's humongous posts (no offence to you, Jax), than your posts aren't nitpicky at all

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    The 36th Chapter: Aqua battle! Piplup vs Empoleon!

    Ash (thinks): "Hmm..." (Takes a Pokeball) "I can battle any Pokemon with this one. Go!"

    (As the Pokeball opens, a Pokemon with a brown shell appears. It looks at Gyarados seriously.)

    Ash: "Let's win this battle, Squirtle!"

    Squirtle (looks at Ash and nods): "Squirtle, Squirtle!"

    Max: "Oh, Ash chose his Squirtle!"

    Dawn: "It will be really interesting to see how it battles!"

    Barry: "Yeah! It is the first time I see Squirtle in battle."

    Announcer: "Let the battle begin!"

    Lily: "Gyarados, Hydro Pump!"

    Gyarados: "Tsha!" (blasts a powerful jet of water at Squirtle)

    Ash: "Counter it with your Hydro Pump!"

    Squirtle: "Squirtle! Squirt!" (Retreats into its' shell and rapidly spins and fires powerful jets of water from its mouth through all the shell's openings.)

    (Two Hydro Pumps collide. Their powers are equal and neither of the Pokemon wins.)

    Lily: "Try your Hydro Pump one more time!"

    (Gyarados uses Hydro Pump once more.)

    Ash: "Use Rapid Spin!"

    Squirtle: "Squirt!" (retreats into its' shell again and starts spinning)

    (Squirtle spins quickly and evades the Hydro Pump and hits Gyarados into its' face. Gyarados shakes its' head, and Squirtle lands on the platform.)

    Lily: "Use Whirlpool!"

    (Gyarados starts spinning in the water and creates a Whirlpool. Whirlpool starts getting larger and larger, and eventually traps Squirtle. Squirtle gets inside the Whirlpool and takes damage.)

    Ash: "Use Hydro Pump and try to get out!"

    Lily: "Use Hyper Beam!"

    Gyarados: "Tshaa!" (Orange beam appears in the front of Gyarados' mouth.)

    Ash (shouts): "Squirtle!"

    (Gyarados fires a Hyper Beam. It hits the whirlpool, but Squirtle dodges it by escaping the Whirlpool by spinning.)

    Ash: "Use Water Gun!"

    Squirtle: "Squirt!" (Fires water at Gyarados.)

    Lily: "No, Gyarados!"

    Barry: "Using a Hyper Beam is a very risky play, as the Pokemon that uses it has some time to recharge."

    Ash: "Skull Bash!"

    (Squirtle jumps and slams its head into Gyarados. Gyarados falls into the water.)

    Lily: "Gyarados?"

    Gyarados (with spiral eyes): "Tscha...."

    Ash: "We won!"

    Squirtle: "Squirtle!"

    Announcer: "Ash wins the battle!"

    Dawn: "All right, Ash won!"

    Barry: "No surprise here!"

    Max: "You guys are next!"

    Barry (with a surprised voce): "Huh?"

    Dawn (looks at the screen): "So, we are up. Are you ready, Piplup?"

    Piplup (nods): "Plup." (Looks at Barry with a serious look)

    Announcer: "The 26th battle will be between Dawn and Barry!"

    (Barry and Dawn stand on their sides on the battlefield.)

    Barry: “Go, Empoleon!”

    Empoleon (has a very confident look): “Empole.”

    Dawn: “Piplup, come out!”

    Piplup (comes out and stands in a noble pose): “Piplup.”

    Ash: “Wow! Dawn is battling Barry!”

    Max: “That is going to be a very intriguing battle, don’t you think so?”

    Ash: “Yeah. These two have never battled before.”

    Announcer: “Let the battle begin!”

    Barry: “Let’s start with Hydro Cannon!”

    Empoleon (nods): “Empole!”

    Dawn: “Counter it with Hydro Pump!”

    (Empoleon opens its' beak and fires a blue ball of water at Piplup. Piplup blasts a powerful stream of water at Empoleon. Two attacks collide. Hydro Cannon seems to be more powerful, but Piplup keeps blasting water and both attacks explode. The Pokemon are very confident and look at each other seriously.)

    Barry: “Empoleon, use Drill Peck!”

    Empoleon: "Empoleon!" (Jumps and spins like a drill. Its' beak and crown glow white and it heads into Piplup)

    Dawn: "Stop it with Bubblebeam!"

    Piplup: "Plup!" (Piplup opens its beak and releases a stream of blue bubbles)

    (Piplup hits Empoleon. Empoleon takes damage from Bubblebeam, but despite that, it has the power to move closer to Piplup.)

    Dawn: "Piplup, dodge that!"

    Piplup (nods): "Lup!" (Jumps)

    Empoleon (smirks): "Empole." (Changes the direction and hits Piplup)

    (Piplup falls on the platform. Empoleon dives in the water. Piplup stands up.)

    Barry: "Now use Steel Wing!"

    Empoleon: "Empole." (Jumps out of the water, and its' wings glow white)

    Dawn: "Not this time! Use Whirlpool, Piplup!"

    Piplup: "Pilpup!" (Starts creating a Whirlpool. Then it throws it into the water, and whirlpool becomes huge, trapping and damaging Empoleon at the same time.)

    Dawn: "All right!"

    Ash: "Using the pool to make Whirlpool larger was a great idea!"

    Max: "Yeah!"

    Empoleon (yells): "Empole!" (Tries to escape, but it can't)

    Barry (angrily grabs his head): "Empoleon!" (Then he smiles) "Use Hyper Beam!"

    (Empoleon forms an orange beam and releases it into Piplup, breaking the Whirlpool.)

    Dawn: "Dive!"

    (Piplup manages to dodge the attack.)

    Dawn: "Use Drill Peck!"

    Barry: "You use Drill Peck as well!"

    Empoleon (dives in the water): "Empole."

    (Both Pokemon spin underwater and hit each other several times. Dawn and Barry decide to change their strategies, and both Pokemon come out of the water and stand on the platform. They start to become exhausted.)

    Dawn: "Use Whirlpool, Piplup!"

    Piplup: "Piplup" (Creates a Whirlpool and throws it into Empoleon)

    Barry: "Counter it with your Hydro Cannon!"

    Empoleon: "Empole." (Fires a Hydro Cannon)

    (Hydro Cannon overpowers Whirlpool, but loses its power.)

    Dawn: "Use Drill Peck!"

    Piplup (jumps): "Plup!"

    (Piplup spins and hits Hydro Cannon at high speed, almost not taking damage from it. It quickly approaches Empoleon.)

    Barry: "Use Hyper Beam!"

    (Empoleon starts creating a Hyper beam, and prepares to fire it, but Piplup manages to hit Empoleon into its' chest. Empoleon is thrown back in the water, and Piplup lands on the platform, where Empoleon was standing.)

    Dawn: "Use Whirlpool one more time!"

    Piplup: "Piplup!" (Forms a Whirlpool and throws it in the Water, making it more powerful.)

    (Ash and Max are excited by the combination Dawn is using.)

    Max: "Piplup's Whirlpool is really powerful!"

    Ash: "I agree. I wonder how will Empoleon take this attack."

    Barry: "Use Steel Wing, Empoleon!"

    (Empoleon jumps out of the other side of the water and hits Piplup with its Steel Wing attack. Piplup is sent in its own Whirlpool.)

    Dawn (with very worried voice): "Oh no!"

    Barry (smiles): "Use Hyper Beam!"

    (Empoleon starts using Hyper Beam, but Barry sees that Whirlpool comes in the direction, where Empoleon stands.)

    Barry (with a very surprised voice): "What?"

    Dawn (looks at Barry and wags her index finger): "Surprised, huh? Piplup can control its' Whirlpool."

    (Piplup comes very close, but Empoleon releases a Hyper Beam. The attacks collide and make an explosion that send both Pokemon far in the water. They stand up on the platforms near each other, and breathe harshly.)

    Piplup (exhausted): "Plup, plup..."

    Dawn (with a worried voice): "Ah..."

    Empoleon (is worn out as well): "Em-pole..."

    Barry: "Empoleon, I know that you can battle more!"

    Dawn: "Piplup, I know that you are strong!"

    (Piplup and Empoleon look at each other, smirk, and start glowing light blue at the same time.)

    Dawn and Barry: "Oh..."

    Ash: "It is Torrent!"

    Max: "It is! They have Torrent, just like Marshtomp does!"

    Barry: "About time!"

    Dawn: "Piplup, I knew you can do it!"

    Piplup (nods): "Piplup."

    Barry: "Hydro Cannon!"

    Empoleon (nods): Empole."

    Dawn: "Hydro Pump!"

    Piplup: "Piplup."

    (Empoleon creates a large, swirling light blue all of water, and fires it at Piplup. Piplup, at the same time, releases a Hydro Pump, much more powerful than before. These two attacks collide, and make another explosion, sending the Pokemon back in the water again.)

    Ash: "Wow, this explosion was really powerful!"

    (Piplup and Empoleon don't come out of the water.)

    Barry: "Empoleon, come out!"

    Dawn: "Piplup, you come out, too!" (Says to herself) "Please be okay..."

    (After a short time, bubbles appear on the surface, and both Pokemon jump out of the water. They look on each other, smile, and fall.)

    Dawn: "No!"

    Barry: "Empoleon, stand up!"

    Dawn: "Try to stand up, Piplup!"

    Empoleon (with a weak voice): "Empole..." (Tries to stand up with the help of its' wings)

    Piplup (with a weak voice): "Piplup..." (Does the same)

    (Pokemon stand again and are very exhausted. Dawn and Barry understand that, and don't tell their Pokemon to use any of the attacks. Piplup and Empoleon stand against each other.)

    Empoleon (feels pain in the chest): "Empole!"

    Barry: "No, Empoleon!"

    Piplup: "Pip-lup." (Falls on the platform)

    (Piplup falls on the platform with spiral eyes. Empoleon manages not to fall by leaning on its' right wing.)

    Announcer: "Barry wins the battle!"

    Dawn: "Piplup, you did your very best, thank you." (Returns Piplup)

    Barry (with a happy voice): "We did it, Empoleon!"

    Empoleon: "Empole..."

    (Empoleon keeps leaning on its wing, and doesn't even look at Barry, because it can't move)

    Barry: "You were awesome, Empoleon! You deserved a nice, long rest!" (Returns it)

    Ash: "Wow! That was a really thrilling battle!"

    Max: "I didn't know who'll win till the end!"

    Barry (comes to Dawn): "That battle was really great! Thanks, Dawn!"

    Dawn (nods and smiles): "Yeah! Thanks to you, too!"

    (They go upstairs.)

    The end of the 36th Chapter.
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 28th February 2013 at 11:16 PM.

  18. #643

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    That was a great chapter. The battles were really detailed and well written. I liked Ash's strategy in his battle with Squirtle against Gyarados and that he pulled off an awesome victory. I also liked Dawn and Barry's battle. It was very well written and detailed, with intense action and it was very close. I can't wait to see who battles in the next round.
    Quote Originally Posted by Canada View Post
    Biggest Fan of the Diamond and Pearl Series: Dawn+Serena Fan

  19. #644
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    The battles were nice but Ash's battle result was expected but still you showed the battle well.I really liked the Piplup v Empoleon battle.I would say it is one of your best battles so far.It had everything-nice moves,ability,determination and suspense.But I didn't get why Empoleon didn't have to recharge after Hydro Cannon.
        Spoiler:- Completed and Current Playthroughs:

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    This was a very good chapter. Battle between Squirtle and Gyarados was good and it was great to see Squirtle owning. Ash's strategy was also very good.
    And Piplup vs Empoleon is easily one of the best battles in your fic. It was very well written, detailed, intense and I liked it that both Empoleon and Piplup used Torrent. It was also one of the closest battles in your fic, if not the closest. I'm also glad for Empoleon winning because I like it more than Piplup, but I was also glad it was a close win. Also, I don't know if I'm the only one, but Piplup vs Empoleon reminded me of Charizard vs Blaziken. Both battles were very intense and close, and in both battles both Pokemon fell to the ground and got back up but eventually other Pokemon fell to the ground.
    Welcome back Charizard! I've missed you so much! <3

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    Quote Originally Posted by DawnBoy View Post
    That was a great chapter. The battles were really detailed and well written. I liked Ash's strategy in his battle with Squirtle against Gyarados and that he pulled off an awesome victory. I also liked Dawn and Barry's battle. It was very well written and detailed, with intense action and it was very close. I can't wait to see who battles in the next round.
    Thank you. I am glad you liked it Are you a little bit said that Dawn lost?
    Quote Originally Posted by amittal12 View Post
    The battles were nice but Ash's battle result was expected but still you showed the battle well.I really liked the Piplup v Empoleon battle.I would say it is one of your best battles so far.It had everything-nice moves,ability,determination and suspense.But I didn't get why Empoleon didn't have to recharge after Hydro Cannon.
    Thank you, too
    I agree. It is one of the best battles I have written.
    I'll answer ypur question about not recharging after Hydro Cannon.
    You see, in the series, Empoleon haven't ever recharged after a Hydro Cannon. He did after a Hyper Beam, but not after a Hydro Cannon.
    Quote Originally Posted by Charizard-Fan View Post
    This was a very good chapter. Battle between Squirtle and Gyarados was good and it was great to see Squirtle owning. Ash's strategy was also very good.
    And Piplup vs Empoleon is easily one of the best battles in your fic. It was very well written, detailed, intense and I liked it that both Empoleon and Piplup used Torrent. It was also one of the closest battles in your fic, if not the closest. I'm also glad for Empoleon winning because I like it more than Piplup, but I was also glad it was a close win. Also, I don't know if I'm the only one, but Piplup vs Empoleon reminded me of Charizard vs Blaziken. Both battles were very intense and close, and in both battles both Pokemon fell to the ground and got back up but eventually other Pokemon fell to the ground.
    One of my true readers
    I knew you'll like that Squirtle won.
    I think, that it is one of the closest battles, too.
    And it is the longest battle(between two Pokemon) in my whole fic. It was 4 pages long. Some writers don't even write the whole chapter in 4 pages
    You know, I was thinking that this battle reminded me of Pikachu vs Meowth battle, and Chariizard vs Blaziken

  22. #647

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    Another good chapter with number 35. There's not much to say about this chapter but there were Some more good battle descriptions and the use of torrent was original and unexpected! The grammar and stuff has improved as i have only found a couple of mistakes.
    Announcer: "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! The second round of the Water Specialty tournament will be held today. 32 participants, who won their matches yesterday, will battle today!"
    The thirty-two (or 32)

    Max: "Hmm...I should think of the tactic I will use in my battle."
    tactics

    Announcer: "The second battle will be Dwyane against Chuck!"
    I've never heard the name Dwyane before, maybe you meant Dwayne

    Announcer: "the 25th battle is between Ash and Lily."
    capital letter at the start of the sentence The

    A good chapter, i'll read and comment on the next chapter once i've done another few things.
    Everything seems normal, with Joe and Adam venturing on their quest through Kanto, but what is the mysterious Team Storm planning?

    Pokemon: Kanto Legends

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    Great Chapter! Piplup vs Empolean! I didn't think the battle would end in a tie, but hey! No one messes with Piplup!

    And the owner of the Gyarados must feel ridiculous because her Gyarados got beaten up by a Squirtle.

    Yep, I read it


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    25th and 26th battle?? There are 32 trainers remaining in 2nd round.So maximum number of battles can be '16' only. There cant be more than 16 battles with 32 trainers.
    Apart from that....I wanted to say A JOB WELL DONE.....I read all chapters you have written they are all amazing.Keep it up.;-)

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    Hi raymon =D.
    Firstly, an apology for the late review. My internet has been playing up and i havent been active all week. But through methods unknown, i will comment!
    I would have to say this would be one of my favourite chapters so far in the fic, with beautiful description, heated battles and your longer chapters must be commended.
    Ashs battle was great. Some nice play from squirtle and good ol' head smash led to the downfall of Gyarados. I'm glad to see a victory for Ash's Squirtle.
    Now for Barry and Dawn. It lived up to and even exceeded my expectations. An evolutionary battle too. It didnt originally sound to interesting but as it progressed, i found different. The combinations were both strategic and to an extent beautiful. You would think Empoleon would destroy Piplup, but thanks to Dawns combinations it proved again to be a surprise.
    At the end, Barry and Empoleon just scraped the victory, and the rest of this contest will be interesting whatever happens.
    Well done Raymon, keep it up and you will have happy readers =D
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