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Thread: Max's New Adventures

  1. #276
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    I liked this chapter. I liked Forrest's and Forrester's mum's appearance. It was a good idea that she would give both Forrest and Forrester a new Bug Pokemon. I wonder what Pokemon Forrest will get.
    However, Florinda should have told something about Unova. It was a shame that she didn't tell anything about how she was doing in Unova.
    It was sad that Forrest and Randy left but it's good that there's emotional scenes in your fan-fic. Also, I liked the ending (where Max and Surfer 1 and 2 started a double battle). I hope that's the battle where Treecko is going to evolve.
    Welcome back Charizard! I've missed you so much! <3

  2. #277
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    Nice chapter. I like mom's appearance, and them getting new Pokemon.
    The double battle at the end was a nice touch. I'm also really exited he's going to get Ralts, ^_^
    and I agree with amittal12, your grammar and spelling have improved.

    Black 2 team

    Soul Silver Team


    - Under Construction-



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  3. #278
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    Quote Originally Posted by MaidensGhost View Post
    Nice chapter. I like mom's appearance, and them getting new Pokemon.
    The double battle at the end was a nice touch. I'm also really exited he's going to get Ralts, ^_^
    and I agree with amittal12, your grammar and spelling have improved.
    Thanks)And I am finally back home, so I'll start writing a new chapter.

  4. #279
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    I'm really loving your story! At first if I'm honest I hated the whole script style, but it grew on me!
    I hope you continue, as I'm sure you will!
    For everyone who likes stories you can read my first ever fan-fic here!


    ]

  5. #280
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    Quote Originally Posted by LadyLady View Post
    I'm really loving your story! At first if I'm honest I hated the whole script style, but it grew on me!
    I hope you continue, as I'm sure you will!
    Thank you!
    Don't worry, I'll continue it

  6. #281
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    By another request, a review of the next couple of chapters.


    To start things off, I'd like to point out the fact that Mudkip can't use Fake Tears, so that sort of cheapened its part of the gym battle. Sure, that sounds like it's nitpicking, but think about it. When Ash battles in the anime, he always tries to make use of what he has to win. That's pretty much the whole point of doing things like throwing Pokémon with type disadvantages into the ring: to prove that he can win without having to cheat or battle in a straightforward manner. If you have Max attempt to mimic that but then use a move his Pokémon can't learn, then that misses the mark because you're trying to force your Pokémon to do what they can't normally do.

    Beyond that, your descriptions still need work. Many of them seem pretty vague. For example, when Treecko uses Pound on Machop, all you say is that Treecko hits Machop. But with what? Stage directions are specific so the actor understands what exactly they need to do in order to create the scene you had in mind. If you tell them to hit someone else, they're not going to know whether you mean punching them, slapping them, kicking, or so forth, and all of those moves will produce different outcomes or mean something different to a user. For example, a slap won't knock out a victim and is usually dealt in a story because the attacker is simply too annoyed to deal with them civilly. However, a punch carries the risk of knocking someone out or breaking their nose, and it's usually done when the user is significantly angrier at a person. Both are considered hitting someone else, so the script would need to specify which is meant.

    Same thing goes with Pokémon attacks. You need to specify what's going on, and moreover, you need to follow through with your descriptions. For example, in the case of Bullet Seed, you show the attack being fired and hitting its mark, but you don't mention Machop's reaction. That's a weak stage direction because try to imagine yourself as an actor performing Machop's part. What do you do? Do you shrug off the attack? Do you hit the ground (considering you were jumping when Treecko intercepted you) and struggle to get back up?

    Think of it like this. We, the readers and the actors, are presented with a blank canvas. You, the artist, have this awesome idea in your head that you want to draw and get across to your viewers. Drawing only half the image or stick figures will never help us see what sort of image you have in mind. You have to draw carefully, using as many details as possible so that the image in your head transfers to the canvas for us to see. The same thing goes with writing. We don't know what this battle looks like because only you do in your head. However, we can get close to what you had in mind if you gave us enough description and detail to do so. Otherwise, we end up with a blank canvas with a stick figure on it, and that really doesn't help us that much.

    By the by, in response to your author's note before chapter seventeen, no, I didn't think that chapter was interesting or unusual. Here's another thing I never really mentioned about the story. At its heart, it just feels like a generic new trainer plot only with less going on. Most new trainer fics have multiple plot threads going on. The first level is of course the journey itself, which is composed of a trainer going out and attempting to catch Pokémon/earn badges/win ribbons/what-have-you for their own personal reasons. Good trainer fics even go out of their way to make this reason unique, such as "my trainer is running away from home" or "my trainer has always dreamed of doing it but never did because of obligations at home that only just now cleared up" or "my trainer was just that bored." The second thread gives the characters a goal beyond just badge questing. There might be some evil team cooking up a plot to take over the world or destroy it, and the main character might be working towards stopping them. There might be shenanigans with legendaries. There might even be a Pokémon uprising plot. Whatever it is, there's always more than one thing going on in a trainer fic.

    This fic doesn't offer that. We had the start of a Team Rocket subplot, but shortly after Butch and Cassidy made their grand entrance to stand in for Jessie and James, they were quickly forgotten – something that doesn't even happen in the anime. Beyond that, all that happens in this fic is Max travels from town to town and battles. The battles have a lot of weak description going on and seem to use a lot of the same tactics over and over again – if they don't simply use moves the way they are in the games. (For example, Fake Tears, even if it wasn't a move Mudkip could learn, was just used the way it is in the games. It caught Hariyama and Meditite off-guard, and that's about it. We don't even see Hariyama or Meditite hesitate because of remorse for attacking something so cute. They just sit there, get slightly confused, but still attack.

    The Meditite battle in general was a good example of this too. Meditite detects itself, but that's never really specified. (Detecting yourself – as in, taking observations of yourself, which is what "detecting yourself" actually means – won't stop someone from hitting you. Detecting what your opponent is about to do and then acting according to that information might, however. For example, if Meditite detected that Mudkip was about to use Tackle, Meditite could jump out of the way. That's how Detect really works in the anime.) Beyond that, you have both sides simply attacking each other. There's no real creativity in how moves are being used. It's just "Side 1 uses Move A on Side 2, and Side 2 occasionally stops Side 1's attack with one of its own." Think back to the anime. Remember how Ash would come up with creative moves (or borrow them from Dawn) like Counter Shield or Buizel's Ice Aqua Jet? And even when he wasn't using actual techniques, Ash would do things like order his Pokémon to melt an ice field in order to trap his opponent, use rocks on a field to gain momentum during Quick Attack, or fire an attack into a hole to smoke out someone who was using Dig. Ash (regardless of what people say about his intelligence) is capable of thinking on his feet and coming up with new and different ways to use moves, and that's something that made the battles he was in a lot more interesting. You never know what he would do, and no two battles were exactly the same as a result. Battles become repetitive if you just use moves without that much variation as to how they're being used because, eventually, experienced readers will start to think every battle will be a straightforward "these Pokémon use moves at each other." It won't be as exciting as watching trainers come up with new and different tactics.

    Back to the point, though, the plot. There's just not that much going on here. Max goes from town to town, battles someone else, and that's about it. There was the Team Rocket plot that never got off the ground (and sounded like nothing more than an exact replica of an encounter with Jessie and James), and you had the trainer's school (which was peppered with highly unnecessary links to pictures – describe those in the fic, by the way). Those were your two deviations from the same plot in every chapter. Now, you have the appearance of Forrest's mom, but then again, this feels like it'll last a couple of chapters and never have any real impact on the overall story besides the fact that Forrest is going to get a new Pokémon eventually.

    The reason why I say this is because your reactions tend to be a little weird too. Characters bring things up, talk about them for a line, and then move on to the next bit. For example, why did Max feel the need to ask Brawly about whether or not he'll use a Pokémon center? It literally added nothing more to the story, not even an explanation for what gym leaders in general do after losing. The farewell after that just sounded awkward, as if he didn't know what else to say and just for that reason turned around and trotted out.

    Weaker than that, though, was Forrest's reaction to Dwebble. All he says is "you are a great Pokémon," but he has no basis for that. He's never seen Dwebble in action, and all he knows about it is that it's smiling. This is a Pokémon he's never seen before. Think about something that was so fantastic but that you've seen for the first time. In fact, think about what your reaction was when you were introduced to Pokémon. It was probably a lot broader than "that's great," right? You probably had an "oh wow, that looks so cool, what is it" sort of reaction, didn't you?

    Max's lack of reaction to the fact that his Pokédex couldn't identify an Unova Pokémon adds to this a little. This is Max, after all. He's an almost stereotypical smart kid – the kind of person who would have something to say about everything. As such… no "oh wow, I guess there's a lot for us to learn about Pokémon"? No "it's incredible that there's such Pokémon in this world"? Nothing but "oh that explains why the 'dex can't identify it oh well"?

    That and I had to laugh at Randy's idea of going to the beach so shortly after Forrest decides to go home, and I'm not sure if you wanted it to be funny for the reasons I thought it was funny. To me, it just sounds like Randy is self-centered and has the attention span of a rock. Here, Forrest wants to go back home because he's super-excited about seeing his mother and because he has a guaranteed new Pokémon. What does Randy say? "Let's go to the beach!" Really? No getting ready to go back to the mainland? No speculation on what that Pokémon Forrest is getting might be? Just… just dropping the subject and going to the beach?

    That and it seems rather abrupt that Forrest and Randy were so accepting of Max's decision to go to Slateport after he decided to go with them to Petalburg. I don't know about you, but when I decide to bow out of plans I've made for one reason or another, even if I have an important reason, my friends always attempt to convince me to go with them anyway or at least comment on my reasons for bowing out. They never predict that I'm not going with them and then ask me what I'm going to do.

    I think, really, that the most creative thing this fic is doing is introduce traveling companions and then decide to send Max on his way without them after seeing only one city together. Like I said earlier, back to the point I was making about trainer fics, this really didn't make an effort to break away from the formula thus far. In fact, if anything, it simplified the trainer fic formula to the point where it was leaving out bits while still sticking close to the general outline for how a trainer fic works. As in, you had a generic evil team appearance that was quickly dropped, but other than that, it's a standard badge quest. Standard choosing-a-starter scene. Standard introductions to gyms. Standard traveling companions. Standard "catch a rare Pokémon in the wild" bit. Standard battles (complete with a lack of detail). Nothing really made it stand out (if we don't consider the trainer school, which was more of a copy of an anime episode anyway)… until this.

    There's a lot of potential here, and I do have to say that I am hoping that you improve on your plot and characterization skills from here on out to take full advantage of it. You just don't see trainers take up traveling companions and then decide to go on their separate ways anyway. It's either the trainer gets traveling companions that last them the entire journey, or the trainer travels alone with his/her Pokémon being their companions. So it's actually a little refreshing to see that Max won't have traveling companions for the first time in a long while, even after setting up the idea that he and Forrest would travel together until the end of the story.

    Of course, I also realize this will only last a couple of chapters, considering you're already planning on showing us what Forrest got. And I do have to say that would be rather disappointing if you followed through with it because after that point, you can only really go back to the standard trainer fic formula, complete with a standard "buddy trainer" dynamic. I suppose it would be pretty interesting if you had Forrest fill in the role of the female companion (read: serve as a love interest to the main character), but I really don't have high hopes for that unless you really work on your characterization skills.

    In short, I'm sorry, but this fic doesn't really offer that much. I'd hate to say it, but there's a lot of trainer fics in the forum that are really so much better. They have more details in their battles (to allow us to visualize them), they have deeper characterization (to help us connect with characters), and they generally have more going on (to keep us interested in the story by promising us more than just another battle or another brief meeting with a character). I try not to comment on reviewers, but I think the main reason why people are flocking to this one is because it updates quickly (which negatively affects chapter quality) and because it stars Max. People are looking for a quick read with a character they're familiar with. However, if you want to impress more experienced readers, you're going to have to work on everything. People who read fanfics regularly look for quality, not necessarily quantity. They want deep plots (or at least deeper than this), well-developed characters, or at least eye candy in verbal form (read: excellent descriptions). They don't want a chapter with a lack of description, characters who don't react to important things, and a plot that boils a story down to "travel to the next town and battle."

    Now, you'll notice that I didn't comment on grammar this time around. That was for two reasons. First, I said a lot more in my earlier review than just grammatical points, but those didn't quite get that much attention. Second, you improved a bit. Your writing still has a lot of issues in terms of grammar (including errors that someone fluent in English would not normally make when speaking), but it's definitely improved since the last time. Still, I'd say be very careful about the rules. Capitalize titles (like "Ms." in "Ms. Franklin" – and also note the spacing), but don't capitalize words that can't be used in place of someone's name. (For example, try replacing "Florinda" with every instance of "Mom" or "Mommy" in your last few chapters. If the sentence doesn't make sense as a result – including in cases where the phrase would turn into "my Florinda" or "their Florinda" – don't capitalize "mom" or "mommy." In those cases, it's a common noun because you're talking about an item, not the person by name.)

    So, I apologize for being harsh throughout this review, but I felt like I needed to state my opinion on the overall story thus far. You seem like you want to improve, so I want you to know that there's a lot of areas where you can besides grammar and wording. I hope you do as well because we could always use more people in this fandom who stand as examples of how one could still be a good writer without being fluent in English. It's just that you'll still need to work hard to do so.

    REBOOT: Chapter fifteen now available. | Original: Chapter thirty-one now available.

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  7. #282
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    May 2012
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    By another request, a review of the next couple of chapters.
    Thanks, I was waiting for thatLet's start!
    To start things off, I'd like to point out the fact that Mudkip can't use Fake Tears, so that sort of cheapened its part of the gym battle. Sure, that sounds like it's nitpicking, but think about it. When Ash battles in the anime, he always tries to make use of what he has to win. That's pretty much the whole point of doing things like throwing Pokémon with type disadvantages into the ring: to prove that he can win without having to cheat or battle in a straightforward manner. If you have Max attempt to mimic that but then use a move his Pokémon can't learn, then that misses the mark because you're trying to force your Pokémon to do what they can't normally do.
    Yeah, I agree that Ash battles with a type disadvantage and proves that he doesn't cheat. But I thought that I have all the rights to make Mudkip learn a move that it can't normally learn. For, example, Ash's Tranquill learned Wing Attack while it normally can't. So, comment on that. But I agree with you that it is better not to use such things like giving a Pokemon a move it can't learn.
    Beyond that, your descriptions still need work. Many of them seem pretty vague. For example, when Treecko uses Pound on Machop, all you say is that Treecko hits Machop. But with what? Stage directions are specific so the actor understands what exactly they need to do in order to create the scene you had in mind. If you tell them to hit someone else, they're not going to know whether you mean punching them, slapping them, kicking, or so forth, and all of those moves will produce different outcomes or mean something different to a user. For example, a slap won't knock out a victim and is usually dealt in a story because the attacker is simply too annoyed to deal with them civilly. However, a punch carries the risk of knocking someone out or breaking their nose, and it's usually done when the user is significantly angrier at a person. Both are considered hitting someone else, so the script would need to specify which is meant.
    Thanks, I'll improve om that.
    Same thing goes with Pokémon attacks. You need to specify what's going on, and moreover, you need to follow through with your descriptions. For example, in the case of Bullet Seed, you show the attack being fired and hitting its mark, but you don't mention Machop's reaction. That's a weak stage direction because try to imagine yourself as an actor performing Machop's part. What do you do? Do you shrug off the attack? Do you hit the ground (considering you were jumping when Treecko intercepted you) and struggle to get back up?
    I understood, thanks. It is still my fault, because I am sometimes lazy)Sorry for that, I'll improve.
    Think of it like this. We, the readers and the actors, are presented with a blank canvas. You, the artist, have this awesome idea in your head that you want to draw and get across to your viewers. Drawing only half the image or stick figures will never help us see what sort of image you have in mind. You have to draw carefully, using as many details as possible so that the image in your head transfers to the canvas for us to see. The same thing goes with writing. We don't know what this battle looks like because only you do in your head. However, we can get close to what you had in mind if you gave us enough description and detail to do so. Otherwise, we end up with a blank canvas with a stick figure on it, and that really doesn't help us that much.
    Great example. Yeah, I know what you mean.
    By the by, in response to your author's note before chapter seventeen, no, I didn't think that chapter was interesting or unusual. Here's another thing I never really mentioned about the story. At its heart, it just feels like a generic new trainer plot only with less going on. Most new trainer fics have multiple plot threads going on. The first level is of course the journey itself, which is composed of a trainer going out and attempting to catch Pokémon/earn badges/win ribbons/what-have-you for their own personal reasons. Good trainer fics even go out of their way to make this reason unique, such as "my trainer is running away from home" or "my trainer has always dreamed of doing it but never did because of obligations at home that only just now cleared up" or "my trainer was just that bored." The second thread gives the characters a goal beyond just badge questing. There might be some evil team cooking up a plot to take over the world or destroy it, and the main character might be working towards stopping them. There might be shenanigans with legendaries. There might even be a Pokémon uprising plot. Whatever it is, there's always more than one thing going on in a trainer fic.
    You mean that I should add some legendaries and/or evil teams to make the plot more interesting?
    This fic doesn't offer that. We had the start of a Team Rocket subplot, but shortly after Butch and Cassidy made their grand entrance to stand in for Jessie and James, they were quickly forgotten – something that doesn't even happen in the anime. Beyond that, all that happens in this fic is Max travels from town to town and battles. The battles have a lot of weak description going on and seem to use a lot of the same tactics over and over again – if they don't simply use moves the way they are in the games. (For example, Fake Tears, even if it wasn't a move Mudkip could learn, was just used the way it is in the games. It caught Hariyama and Meditite off-guard, and that's about it. We don't even see Hariyama or Meditite hesitate because of remorse for attacking something so cute. They just sit there, get slightly confused, but still attack.
    Yeah, I understand. But I was confused myself when I started to think of evil organisation in my fic. I mean, I wrote that team Aqua and Team Magma are no longer threats after Kyogre and Groudon battle. Team Rocket isn't interested much in Hoenn region.
    The Meditite battle in general was a good example of this too. Meditite detects itself, but that's never really specified. (Detecting yourself – as in, taking observations of yourself, which is what "detecting yourself" actually means – won't stop someone from hitting you. Detecting what your opponent is about to do and then acting according to that information might, however. For example, if Meditite detected that Mudkip was about to use Tackle, Meditite could jump out of the way. That's how Detect really works in the anime.) Beyond that, you have both sides simply attacking each other. There's no real creativity in how moves are being used. It's just "Side 1 uses Move A on Side 2, and Side 2 occasionally stops Side 1's attack with one of its own." Think back to the anime. Remember how Ash would come up with creative moves (or borrow them from Dawn) like Counter Shield or Buizel's Ice Aqua Jet? And even when he wasn't using actual techniques, Ash would do things like order his Pokémon to melt an ice field in order to trap his opponent, use rocks on a field to gain momentum during Quick Attack, or fire an attack into a hole to smoke out someone who was using Dig. Ash (regardless of what people say about his intelligence) is capable of thinking on his feet and coming up with new and different ways to use moves, and that's something that made the battles he was in a lot more interesting. You never know what he would do, and no two battles were exactly the same as a result. Battles become repetitive if you just use moves without that much variation as to how they're being used because, eventually, experienced readers will start to think every battle will be a straightforward "these Pokémon use moves at each other." It won't be as exciting as watching trainers come up with new and different tactics.
    Well, yeah, I need to develop battle styles and make them more exciting. Of course people will be bored if I use the same writing again and again.
    And to describe the attacks more(or explain them in a Meditite's Situation)

    Back to the point, though, the plot. There's just not that much going on here. Max goes from town to town, battles someone else, and that's about it. There was the Team Rocket plot that never got off the ground (and sounded like nothing more than an exact replica of an encounter with Jessie and James), and you had the trainer's school (which was peppered with highly unnecessary links to pictures – describe those in the fic, by the way). Those were your two deviations from the same plot in every chapter. Now, you have the appearance of Forrest's mom, but then again, this feels like it'll last a couple of chapters and never have any real impact on the overall story besides the fact that Forrest is going to get a new Pokémon eventually.
    Well, I agree with you on that except the links to pictures. I wanted to make my fic more interactive, and I thought people were glad to try to do this quiz like Max and Forrest did.
    The reason why I say this is because your reactions tend to be a little weird too. Characters bring things up, talk about them for a line, and then move on to the next bit. For example, why did Max feel the need to ask Brawly about whether or not he'll use a Pokémon center? It literally added nothing more to the story, not even an explanation for what gym leaders in general do after losing. The farewell after that just sounded awkward, as if he didn't know what else to say and just for that reason turned around and trotted out.
    Yeah, I felt like I should pay more attention and write more about Brawly's training or relaxing.
    Weaker than that, though, was Forrest's reaction to Dwebble. All he says is "you are a great Pokémon," but he has no basis for that. He's never seen Dwebble in action, and all he knows about it is that it's smiling. This is a Pokémon he's never seen before. Think about something that was so fantastic but that you've seen for the first time. In fact, think about what your reaction was when you were introduced to Pokémon. It was probably a lot broader than "that's great," right? You probably had an "oh wow, that looks so cool, what is it" sort of reaction, didn't you?
    (Nods.)
    Max's lack of reaction to the fact that his Pokédex couldn't identify an Unova Pokémon adds to this a little. This is Max, after all. He's an almost stereotypical smart kid – the kind of person who would have something to say about everything. As such… no "oh wow, I guess there's a lot for us to learn about Pokémon"? No "it's incredible that there's such Pokémon in this world"? Nothing but "oh that explains why the 'dex can't identify it oh well"?
    I should have done like you have written here...Well, I still have a long way to go.
    That and I had to laugh at Randy's idea of going to the beach so shortly after Forrest decides to go home, and I'm not sure if you wanted it to be funny for the reasons I thought it was funny. To me, it just sounds like Randy is self-centered and has the attention span of a rock. Here, Forrest wants to go back home because he's super-excited about seeing his mother and because he has a guaranteed new Pokémon. What does Randy say? "Let's go to the beach!" Really? No getting ready to go back to the mainland? No speculation on what that Pokémon Forrest is getting might be? Just… just dropping the subject and going to the beach?
    I was trying to make it funny, but I have never thought about Randy's character in this way until you said)
    That and it seems rather abrupt that Forrest and Randy were so accepting of Max's decision to go to Slateport after he decided to go with them to Petalburg. I don't know about you, but when I decide to bow out of plans I've made for one reason or another, even if I have an important reason, my friends always attempt to convince me to go with them anyway or at least comment on my reasons for bowing out. They never predict that I'm not going with them and then ask me what I'm going to do.
    Did he really decide to go with them to Petalburg? I don't remember that)
    But you are right about the fact that your friends always convince you to go with them. But, for example, Randy and Max have never been friends.
    I think, really, that the most creative thing this fic is doing is introduce traveling companions and then decide to send Max on his way without them after seeing only one city together. Like I said earlier, back to the point I was making about trainer fics, this really didn't make an effort to break away from the formula thus far. In fact, if anything, it simplified the trainer fic formula to the point where it was leaving out bits while still sticking close to the general outline for how a trainer fic works. As in, you had a generic evil team appearance that was quickly dropped, but other than that, it's a standard badge quest. Standard choosing-a-starter scene. Standard introductions to gyms. Standard traveling companions. Standard "catch a rare Pokémon in the wild" bit. Standard battles (complete with a lack of detail). Nothing really made it stand out (if we don't consider the trainer school, which was more of a copy of an anime episode anyway)… until this.
    Yeah, it's standard. I have to agree, but if I introduce an evil team, it will still be a "standard evil team like in the anime plot". Don't you agree?
    There's a lot of potential here, and I do have to say that I am hoping that you improve on your plot and characterization skills from here on out to take full advantage of it. You just don't see trainers take up traveling companions and then decide to go on their separate ways anyway. It's either the trainer gets traveling companions that last them the entire journey, or the trainer travels alone with his/her Pokémon being their companions. So it's actually a little refreshing to see that Max won't have traveling companions for the first time in a long while, even after setting up the idea that he and Forrest would travel together until the end of the story.
    I will try! I won't improve immediately, but I'll try to do it gradually.
    I suppose it would be pretty interesting if you had Forrest fill in the role of the female companion (read: serve as a love interest to the main character), but I really don't have high hopes for that unless you really work on your characterization skills.
    Sorry, but I am really bad in this romantic/shpping stuff, so I won't do that
    In short, I'm sorry, but this fic doesn't really offer that much. I'd hate to say it, but there's a lot of trainer fics in the forum that are really so much better. They have more details in their battles (to allow us to visualize them), they have deeper characterization (to help us connect with characters), and they generally have more going on (to keep us interested in the story by promising us more than just another battle or another brief meeting with a character). I try not to comment on reviewers, but I think the main reason why people are flocking to this one is because it updates quickly (which negatively affects chapter quality) and because it stars Max. People are looking for a quick read with a character they're familiar with. However, if you want to impress more experienced readers, you're going to have to work on everything. People who read fanfics regularly look for quality, not necessarily quantity. They want deep plots (or at least deeper than this), well-developed characters, or at least eye candy in verbal form (read: excellent descriptions). They don't want a chapter with a lack of description, characters who don't react to important things, and a plot that boils a story down to "travel to the next town and battle."
    I am sorry that I couldn't interest you with my fanfic.
    Now, you'll notice that I didn't comment on grammar this time around. That was for two reasons. First, I said a lot more in my earlier review than just grammatical points, but those didn't quite get that much attention. Second, you improved a bit. Your writing still has a lot of issues in terms of grammar (including errors that someone fluent in English would not normally make when speaking), but it's definitely improved since the last time. Still, I'd say be very careful about the rules. Capitalize titles (like "Ms." in "Ms. Franklin" – and also note the spacing), but don't capitalize words that can't be used in place of someone's name. (For example, try replacing "Florinda" with every instance of "Mom" or "Mommy" in your last few chapters. If the sentence doesn't make sense as a result – including in cases where the phrase would turn into "my Florinda" or "their Florinda" – don't capitalize "mom" or "mommy." In those cases, it's a common noun because you're talking about an item, not the person by name.)
    Well, I am happy now that you said that I improved at least on something. About the rules, I'll take them into account.
    So, I apologize for being harsh throughout this review, but I felt like I needed to state my opinion on the overall story thus far. You seem like you want to improve, so I want you to know that there's a lot of areas where you can besides grammar and wording. I hope you do as well because we could always use more people in this fandom who stand as examples of how one could still be a good writer without being fluent in English. It's just that you'll still need to work hard to do so.
    It's okay, and I really appreciate your time and help. Thank you and it is very kind of you to help me, even after "you know what I did the first time". Sorry for that once again.
    I'll try to improve, no doubt. The thing I doubt is how much I will improve, taking into consideration how lazy I can be and unwillingness to describe all the things like a good writer does.
    Thank you once again.
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 25th August 2012 at 9:10 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by RealRaymon View Post
    Yeah, I agree that Ash battles with a type disadvantage and proves that he doesn't cheat. But I thought that I have all the rights to make Mudkip learn a move that it can't normally learn. For, example, Ash's Tranquill learned Wing Attack while it normally can't. So, comment on that. But I agree with you that it is better not to use such things like giving a Pokemon a move it can't learn.
    There's two things to note about whenever Ash's Pokémon learn moves they can't normally learn:

    1. When it happens, you notice, and not everyone who notices would think that's a good thing. Even the dubbers (of all people) realized it wouldn't fly, no pun intended, and changed the English version of that line.
    2. When it happens, it only happens maybe once. Ash's Bulbasaur once learned Dig. Not only was that seen as cheap, but it was also never brought up again.

    Also note that Tranquil's Wing Attack didn't decide the match. It was used once, it missed, and Tranquil was promptly knocked out. While Ash has used illegal moves in the past to influence plot points (such as Bulbasaur's Dig), those were generally never used in a gym match besides Tranquil's Wing Attack, and even then, the Wing Attack did nothing to influence the outcome of the battle in Ash's favor. In this case, Mudkip used an illegal move to influence the outcome of the match in Max's favor, which means that it's an entirely different scenario.

    Moreover, in Tranquil's case, it's easy to see why that mistake would have been made. Most Flying-types can learn Wing Attack; Tranquil's one of the few -- and certainly Ash's only regional bird Pokémon -- who never could. (Ash's Noctowl didn't know it either, but it could learn it via breeding. So I don't really count it here.) So it probably seemed logical to the writers (who, yes, occasionally make mistakes in continuity) to assume that Ash's next regional bird Pokémon could learn it too. Meanwhile, while Mudkip is a cute Water-type, there's really no reason to automatically assume it could learn Fake Tears. Fake Tears is normally associated with Pokémon that rely on being deceptive/cute/deceptively cute as part of their normal means of attack. (Example: Mawile can learn it because it uses its skills of deception on a normal basis. A number of baby Pokémon can learn it because they make full use of their cuteness in battle.) Mudkip doesn't really fit either category because it doesn't really rely on deceptive abilities or its cuteness to get by in a battle.

    There are times and places where you can get away with using a move Pokémon can't normally learn (like having anything that moves use Tackle), but you have to think carefully about when that Pokémon is going to use it and how that move is used. It's never a good idea to use illegal moves during important battles because that cheapens the outcome a little. That's because you're not using a Pokémon's natural abilities and because it's far more noticeable when you try to use non-standard moves like that. Likewise, look up each move on a resource (like Bulbapedia) that goes in-depth as to how they're performed and who normally learns them in order to understand whether or not the Pokémon you want to use would be able to pull off those moves.

    I understood, thanks. It is still my fault, because I am sometimes lazy)
    It's cool, but just to warn you, writing is definitely the wrong hobby to be lazy in. Not saying you can't do it for fun, of course, but it definitely requires you to work.

    You mean that I should add some legendaries and/or evil teams to make the plot more interesting?
    Well, not necessarily legendaries or evil teams (if you don't want either or if you want to do something extremely new) but definitely something. You'll want to break up the monotonous flow of travel-battle-travel with something that would add to the summary of the story. For example, maybe Ralts might decide to find Max, they briefly meet, and some kind of circumstances separate them and force them to look for each other all across Hoenn. Maybe there's something special about Ralts that leads to an overarching plot. It's just that we've gone for eighteen chapters, and nothing's driven Max off the beaten path that you'd normally see in only the first three chapters of any other trainer fic. (And before anyone says anything, there's a good and not-so-good way of deviating from the norm. In this case, it just feels like the story didn't get off the ground yet, and we're eighteen chapters in.)

    Yeah, I understand. But I was confused myself when I started to think of evil organisation in my fic. I mean, I wrote that team Aqua and Team Magma are no longer threats after Kyogre and Groudon battle. Team Rocket isn't interested much in Hoenn region.
    Whenever writers face a situation where the canon evil teams just don't fit their story for one reason or another, some people take a third option: creating their own. This could also go into the plot of your work because whatever the evil team is after will greatly affect what Max and friends do. (For example, Team Galactic's plot resurfaced constantly in Ash's trip through Sinnoh, even disrupting his travels from city to city at some points.) This would take a lot of thought and creativity to do, but it's certainly a viable, working option, especially since you seem to lack an antagonist of any kind in your story anyway.

    Well, yeah, I need to develop battle styles and make them more exciting. Of course people will be bored if I use the same writing again and again.
    And to describe the attacks more(or explain them in a Meditite's Situation)
    Ye-up.

    Well, I agree with you on that except the links to pictures. I wanted to make my fic more interactive, and I thought people were glad to try to do this quiz like Max and Forrest did.
    In cases like that, I would suggest maybe putting the quiz before or after the chapter in an author's note. It avoids disrupting the flow of the story and allows that part of the experience to become optional.

    I was trying to make it funny, but I have never thought about Randy's character in this way until you said)
    It would be an interesting route to take Randy's character, especially if he's the token older character. (Y'know, like how most groups have the Ash, the same-age companion, and the companion who's about as old as Brock, Tracey, or Cilan.) But if you don't want Randy to become the less-than-responsible comic relief character (which is really not a bad thing to have in a story either), then yep, you'll probably want to do some tweaking there. Be careful and remember that every little thing a character does says something about who they are as people (or Pokémon or what-have-you). So keep in mind what they're doing at all times.

    Did he really decide to go with them to Petalburg? I don't remember that)
    Rustboro, sorry. And he did. It was in chapter eighteen, via these lines:

    Max: “So, are you going to Rustboro?”

    Forrest: “Yes, I want to see my Mommy.” (And exclaims) “And I am also excited to get my new Pokemon!”

    Randy: “Well, let’s go there together!”

    Forrest: “Yeah, that’s a good idea!”

    Max: “Sounds great! Okay, what are we going to do now?”


    While he didn't say "I'll go too," he also agreed with Randy's idea of going to Rustboro together. That says that he did agree to go with them but then changed his mind.

    But you are right about the fact that your friends always convince you to go with them. But, for example, Randy and Max have never been friends.
    But Max and Forrest were.

    Yeah, it's standard. I have to agree, but if I introduce an evil team, it will still be a "standard evil team like in the anime plot". Don't you agree?
    Depends on how you handle it. If you just have Butch and Cassidy act like Jessie and James, yeah, it would be generic. However, evil teams can do a lot more than go around, stalk children, and attempt to steal Pokémon. For example, Team Galactic's plot in the anime wasn't generic. They had a specific goal in mind that wasn't "steal/genetically engineer/abuse Pokémon and take over the world" (well, not in the Team Rocket sense), and they focused on that instead of pester Ash and his friends constantly. It just so happened that Ash and his friends constantly pestered them. There's a lot more possibilities than that for evil teams too. Evil cults, anti-training organizations (like N only an entire organization of that), anti-human organizations (like the Elite Four of Pokémon Special), evil corporations whose products brainwash consumers, and so on and so forth. You just have to be creative about what you do with them.

    Either way, your story seems to be lacking something. I mean, right now, you can summarize this entire shebang with one sentence: "This is the story of Max's journey through Hoenn." Most summaries end up being more than that, but what would you add to it to fill it out? Sure, Max is searching for Ralts, but that's a side point, not a huge part of the plot. Sure, he meets new friends and battles a lot, but that happens in every fic. You'll want to think of something bigger, something that affects the entire storyline, to add to what you're trying to do here.

    I will try! I won't improve immediately, but I'll try to do it gradually.
    All I could ask.

    Sorry, but I am really bad in this romantic/shpping stuff, so I won't do that
    Haha, it was a joke anyway. I don't think many people would be willing to create a slash ship between their two leads in a trainer fic (unfortunately).

    Well, I am happy now that you said that I improved at least on something. About the rules, I'll take them into account.

    It's okay, and I really appreciate your time and help. Thank you and it is very kind of you to help me, even after "you know what I did the first time". Sorry for that once again.
    I'll try to improve, no doubt. The thing I doubt is how much I will improve, taking into consideration how lazy I can be and unwillingness to describe all the things like a good writer does.
    Thank you once again.
    You're welcome, and I wish you luck. Especially about that lazy bit. The longer you spend writing fanfic, the more you'll want to make it interesting for yourself. The harder you work on your fic, the easier it would be to have that happen because you grow attached to what you're doing. So in the end, it's actually better for you as well to train yourself to avoid being lazy with your writing, not only because the quality would improve but also because you'll find it easier to enjoy yourself if you put your heart into it.

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  9. #284
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    Quote Originally Posted by LadyLady View Post
    Just finished the fourth chapter, omg Cassidy and butch my favourites!
    glad you liked it)
    for all my readers, they'll make a return soon!

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    This Chapter starts the 2nd part of my fic, which is called:

    Max's New Adventures: In a search for the friend

    Firstly, my notes. I know that they should be in the end of chapter, but I don’t want to spoil anything, so they are here. My notes are about surfers:
    Surfer 1(his real name is Tony)
    Surfer 2(his real name is James)
    So, I will call them Tony and James)
    ---------------------------------------------

    The 19th Chapter: Grow while you can!

    (The double battle between Treecko, Taillow and Lombre, Pelipper is going to start soon. Treecko looks very confident and Taillow is very eager to win this time after its loss in the Dewford Gym. Max seems ready for battle as he stays determined. The surfers look excited to battle Max and can’t wait to start the battle.)

    Tony (excited): “Go, Pelipper! Use Wing Attack on Treecko!”

    Pelipper: “Pelipper!”

    (Pelipper starts flying towards Treecko.)

    Max: “Taillow, intercept this attack with your Wing Attack combination!”

    (Taillow starts spinning while using Wing Attack.)

    James (yells): “Lombre, don’t let it! Use your Bubblebeam!”

    Lombre: “Lom-breee!” (Fires a beam of bubbles at Taillow.)

    Max: “Treecko, use Bullet Seed and counter Bubblebeam!”

    Treecko: “Treecko! Tree…” (Jumps) “Cko!!”
    (Fires seeds and counters the Bubblebeam attack. Taillow safely flies further starts spinning.)

    Tony (says with confident voice and a determined look): “Pelipper! Strike it!”

    (Max hears Tony and smiles slyly (cunningly), and doesn’t say anything, while Taillow and Pelipper hit each other.)

    Pelipper (hurt): “Pelipper!” (And soars in the air, while closing one of his eyes due to very strong attack he took from Taillow.)

    Tony (yells): “No, Pelipper!” (As he starts to get worried now.)

    Max: “Great job, Taillow!” (Praises it, because it did a great job and is in a very good shape.)

    Taillow (smiles): “Low!”

    James: “use Bubblebeam on Treecko!”

    Max: “Use Quick Attack!”

    (Treecko gains speed, while dodging almost all of the bubbles. Tony looks at Treecko and he doesn’t like the fact that Lombre can take serious damage from Treecko’s attack.)

    Tony: “Pelipper, switch to Treecko, help Lombre! Use Water Gun!”

    Max: “Taillow, use Quick Attack on Pelipper!”

    (Taillow distracts Pelipper with its movement and Pelipper starts blasting water at Taillow.)

    Max: “Jump Treecko, and use Pound with a spin!”

    (Treecko jumps and starts spinning. Lombre waits for the command of its trainer, while Taillow is dodging Pelipper’s Water Gun.)

    James (arrogantly): “The time for our best attack!”

    Max (laughs like a kid): “Hehe, it’s our time!”

    (After this Treecko strikes Lombre with all power it has, and Lombre takes a huge hit.)

    Max: “Taillow, use Wing Attack combination on Lombre!”

    (Taillow heads into Lombre and starts spinning.)

    Tony: “Pelipper, chase Taillow quickly!”

    Pelipper: “Peli!” (And starts flying after Taillow.)

    Max: “Treecko, stop it with a Pound Attack!”

    (Treecko jumps high after Taillow sweeps past it, and Taillow strikes a shaking Lombre so strong, that it makes Lombre knocked out.)

    Max: “Great job, Taillow!” (Then looks at Treecko and shouts) “Treecko, what are you waiting for, attack!”

    (As Treecko tries to turn around and use its tail, it feels something, some kind of headache. Pelipper strikes Treecko and Treecko falls on the ground.)

    Treecko: “Tree...” (Tries to stand up)

    Tony: “That makes score equal!”

    Max: “Stand up, Treecko! I know you can do it!”

    Treecko (stands up, but shakes): “Treecko.”

    Max: “I knew that you are strong, pal!”

    Treecko (turns around, looks at Max and nods.): “Treecko.” (Keeps starring at Max and it suddenly starts glowing white.)

    Max: “It can’t be, Treecko…”

    Surfers: “Yeah, your Treecko is evolving!”

    (The glowing white body starts to grow, and the long leaf appears on the top of its head. Two sharp-like leafs that look like claws appear on its arms, which grow as well. As the Pokemon stops glowing, Max sees a brand new Pokemon.)

    Max: “Treecko evolved! I’ve always dreamt of my Pokemon to evolve someday!”

    Grovyle (nods): “Grov!”

    Max: “Let’s check you in the Pokedex!” (Takes the Pokedex out of his bag and opens it.)

    Pokedex: “Grovyle, the Wood Gecko Pokemon. Grovyle is well known for its dexterity in the treetops, as it is often seen jumping from branch to branch. Even the fastest of Pokemon cannot catch a Grovyle in wooded areas.”

    Max: “Even the fastest Pokemon? Well, that’s awesome! I have a dexterous Pokemon on my side now!” (To Tony) “Are you ready to continue the battle?”

    Tony (answers in some kind of irritated and displeased way): “I sure do, that’s why I am standing here…”

    Max: “Okay. Grovyle, show your superpowered Pound attack!”

    Grovyle (jumps immediately): “Vyle!”

    Tony (To Pelipper): “Wing Attack! And give everything you’ve got!”

    Max (starts to feel overconfident): “You won’t stop us now!”

    Tony: “We’ll see.”

    Max: “Strike!”

    (Grovyle approaches Pelipper and turns around, trying to strike with its tail as it used to. Then it is unable to land any major hit and Pelipper, uses this situation as the advantage and strikes Grovyle with all of its power.)

    Grovyle: “Grovvv…” (Falls once again on the land) “Vyle.”(Its eyes become spiral.)

    Max (stunned): “Grovyle! Are you okay, buddy?” (Comes close quickly to it.)

    Grovyle (opens its eyes and shows Max that it is okay, while showing him its smile.)

    Max: “You were awesome! Take a good rest, Grovyle!”

    Grovyle (nods): “Vyle!”

    (Max returns Grovyle.)

    Max (thinking): “I should find out what is with its Pound attack…” (Then says aloud)
    “Well, this is 1-on-1 battle right now. Are you ready, Taillow?”

    Taillow (says with a little bit sad voice, but full of energy): “Low.”

    Tony: “We won’t wait, Pelipper, use Hydro Pump!”

    (Pelipper blasts a huge amount of water.)

    Max: “Quick Attack and dodge that!”

    (Taillow starts dodging.)

    Tony: “I won’t do the same mistake twice! Use Wing Attack!”

    (Pelipper starts approaching Taillow.)

    Max: “Now, our best Attack! Aerial Ace!”

    Taillow: “Low! Tai…” (As it starts glowing in a white light and quickly heading into Pelipper)

    Max (thrilled): “Go!”

    (As two Pokemon try to win this match, Pelipper sees Taillow close, tries to strike with its right Wing, but suddenly Taillow disappears. It distracts Pelipper, and Taillow appears again and strikes Pelipper. As Taillow flies through Pelipper, Pelipper falls on the ground and unable to battle.)

    Taillow (shouts happily): “Taillow!”

    Max: “Great job, Taillow!”

    Taillow: “Low!”

    Tony: “You gave everything you’ve got, thanks!” (Returns Pelipper)

    (Tony and James come to Max, who is hugging Taillow, and thank him for battle.)

    Max: “Thank you guys! My Treecko evolved, because of you!”

    Tony: “Oh no, we did nothing.”

    Max: “By the way, how do you know that I beat Brawly yesterday?”

    James: “Oh, we just were around the gym by the time Brawly was giving you the Knuckle Badge. And we also like surfing with him.”

    Max: “I see. By the way, I am Max.”

    Tony: “I am Tony! Nice to meet you!”

    James: “I am James! Yeah, you are a great trainer, Max!”

    Max: “Oh, thanks, guys. So, where are you going now?”

    James: “To Slateport. We want to surf there. They say waves in Slateport are huge these days, so it is great to try surf on them.”

    Tony: “Yeah. And where are you going?”

    Max: “Well, I don’t know yet. I want to reach Sootopolis City, but it is far from here.”

    Tony: “Well, impossible is nothing!”

    Max: “Yeah!” (Yawns) “Well, guys, see you later, I want to have a nap.”

    Both: “Okay, see ya!”

    (Max and Taillow go to their room.)

    Max: “Taillow, I have something for you!”

    Taillow: “Low?”

    (Max takes his bag, and takes a bar of chocolate. Then he gives it to Taillow.)

    Taillow (really likes it.): “Low!”

    Max: “I knew you would like that!” (Then lies on the bed and starts dreaming.)
    ________________________________________

    Max (To Taillow that happens to be Ash’s now): “Taillow. did you like my chocolate?”

    Taillow (flaps wings happily): “Taillow!”
    ________________________________________

    (Then he remembers when Taillow chased them, and a battle between Pikachu and Taillow and starts sleeping.)

    Taillow (shouts): “Taillow!”

    Max (surprised) “What happened?” (Hears the voice of the captain of the ship from a loud speaker in the hallway.) “Oh, we are in Slateport already!”

    Taillow (nods): “Low.”

    Max: “I wish you could meet Ash’s Taillow…That would have been great! But as for now, return buddy!”

    (The ship arrives at Slateport City, and Max goes out of the ship and thinks about what he should do next. He sees that a fat middle-aged man in a Captain suit comes out of the ship.)

    Max: “Hello, Mr.! Are you the ship captain?”

    Captain: “Yes, how can I help you?”

    Max: “Tell me please, when the next ship to a Pacifidlog Town?”

    Captain: “Pacifidlog Town? I don’t want to disappoint you, but the ships don’t go there at all. The torrents there are so powerful and fast, that any ship is unable to swim there.”

    Max (sadly): “I see. Okay, thank you.”

    Captain: “Well, I did nothing.”

    (Max goes through the beach and is trying to find a Pokemon Center.)

    Max: “What should I do now?” (Almost starts crying when suddenly remembers.)
    __________________________________________

    Max: “Hi, Peeko!”(sees the letter) “Oh, it is a letter.”(takes it)

    (Max reads the letter)

    Max (sees something): “Oh! It is from Mr.Briney!”

    Max (reads the letter aloud): “Hi! I am writing you this letter to say that I have been invited by a ship company in Slateport City and I will be working as a head shipbuilder in Slateport City as well.”
    __________________________________________

    Max (smiles and shouts): “Oh yeah! How could I forget that?!”

    The end of the 19th Chapter.
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 27th August 2012 at 11:20 AM.

  11. #286
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    I like this chapter!
    Is 2nd fic, suppose to be like a new season?
    Well its a nice filler chapter, mainly because Max mentions previous events.
    I liked that Treecko evolved! And I think its cool that you show Max is still remembering the his previous journey with Ash as well. You could make him use that to his advantage in battle by making him remember Ash's techniques. Are you planning on bring a new villain? Or at least a new rival? To give Max something to overcome.
    Other than that, nice chapter!

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    Electro Ball!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ash&Pikachu-Fan View Post
    I like this chapter!
    Is 2nd fic, suppose to be like a new season?
    Well its a nice filler chapter, mainly because Max mentions previous events.
    I liked that Treecko evolved! And I think its cool that you show Max is still remembering the his previous journey with Ash as well. You could make him use that to his advantage in battle by making him remember Ash's techniques. Are you planning on bring a new villain? Or at least a new rival? To give Max something to overcome.
    Other than that, nice chapter!
    Thanks!)And yes, it is like the 2nd season
    About Ash's techniques...Well, I think that Max techniques are great without Ash. About Ash, he will return in 10 chapters maybe)
    About a villian, I am planning to return Cassidy and Bud
    About rival, I don't know yet
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 27th August 2012 at 2:17 AM.

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    Interesting chapter; I enjoyed the battle and evolution. Curious as to what is in store next! I, too think a rival would be nice. Will Rany and Forrest return?

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    Quote Originally Posted by OshaMijuWott View Post
    Interesting chapter; I enjoyed the battle and evolution. Curious as to what is in store next! I, too think a rival would be nice. Will Rany and Forrest return?
    Glad you liked it)
    They'll return, but I don't know when

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    I see a few grammatical errors.

    "I wish you can meet Ash's Tailow..."

    Make it "I wish you could meet Ash's Tailow"

    Max: “Hello, Mr.! Are you a ship captain?”

    If you ask me, I think you should write "Are you the ship captain?"

    Max: “Yell me please, when the next ship to a Pacifidlog Town?”

    Spelling error?

    Max (smiles and shouts): “Oh yeah! How could I forgot that?!”

    I think you meant to write forget.

    Aside from these errors it was a great chapter.

    I also agree with the fact that Max should have a rival. It would be nice because then he would have less random battles.
    Anger the Blaziken, and you get BURNED

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    Wow! Great chapter! I liked that Treecko evolved, and like some already said, I think that this evolution will make Max overconfident, and have him lose the next few battles.

    I alsoagree that Max should have a Rival, it would give Max a reason to participate harder in the league, other than Ralts.

    I do have a question though. If Steven is the champion, then will Wallace or Juan be the Sootopolis leader? And what will the other be doing then? Or are you going to create your own few gyms?

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    Here is the wrong grammar:

    “You was awesome! Take a good rest, Grovyle!”
    It should be "You were awesome!"

    Anyways, great chapter!

    "Pokeballs are red, water is blue, I came here to search for you and I will catch you!"
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    Quote Originally Posted by ultimateblaziken11 View Post
    I see a few grammatical errors.

    "I wish you can meet Ash's Tailow..."

    Make it "I wish you could meet Ash's Tailow"

    Max: “Hello, Mr.! Are you a ship captain?”

    If you ask me, I think you should write "Are you the ship captain?"

    Max: “Yell me please, when the next ship to a Pacifidlog Town?”

    Spelling error?

    Max (smiles and shouts): “Oh yeah! How could I forgot that?!”

    I think you meant to write forget.

    Aside from these errors it was a great chapter.

    I also agree with the fact that Max should have a rival. It would be nice because then he would have less random battles.
    Thanks a lot! I've corrected these
    About rival. Well, I should think how I should introduce it. Well, and I know how...)But aside from the series, I want to introduce not one and huge rival, but many of them.
    Quote Originally Posted by dirkac View Post
    Wow! Great chapter! I liked that Treecko evolved, and like some already said, I think that this evolution will make Max overconfident, and have him lose the next few battles.

    I alsoagree that Max should have a Rival, it would give Max a reason to participate harder in the league, other than Ralts.

    I do have a question though. If Steven is the champion, then will Wallace or Juan be the Sootopolis leader? And what will the other be doing then? Or are you going to create your own few gyms?
    Well, Wallace is some kind of huge water contest Judge or something. And as we know that it occurs after the Sinnoh League, yeah, Juan certainly is the gym leader.
    About overconfidence...Didn't Grovyle lose in this chapter? So, what do you think about it?
    Quote Originally Posted by brendan25 View Post
    Here is the wrong grammar:
    It should be "You were awesome!"

    Anyways, great chapter!
    Thanks, I've corrected that
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 13th October 2012 at 4:36 PM.

  19. #294
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    Quote Originally Posted by RealRaymon View Post
    Well, Wallace is some kind of huge water contest Judge or something. And as we know that it occors after the Sinnoh League, yeah, Juan certainly is the gym leader.
    About overconfidence...Didn't Grovyle lose in this chapter? So, what do you think about it?
    Yeah, I know that Grovyle lost, I'm just saying I can see it happen a lot more now, especcialy with the upcoming gyms.

  20. #295
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    Just read the new chapter. It was a good filler. I liked the memory. The only thing I could suggest is that in your stage directions, when you show someone doing something (for example, Pelliper's eye closing), don't write due to the attack. It is implied. As for my prediction for the 6th Pokemon. I suggest/predict Max to obtain a Houndour, which will hopefully become a Houndoom, from the Safari Zone. The Fire/Dark coverage will help Max's team overall, establishing a FWG core, as well as allowing him to deal with Ghost and Psychic Type Pokemon. It would also be nice if it got Nasty Plot because the animé tends to almost never have main story Pokemon use stat-boosting moves. By that I mean the Pokemon of Ash and his permanent traveling companions as well as direct rivals. Currently, Stephen is the only trainer who has a Pokemon with such a move (Sawk's Bulk Up). It would be a nice touch, and this is Max, so I feel that he'd think about coverage and using stat-boosting moves, like most good, competitive players.

  21. #296
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    Quote Originally Posted by morningsun View Post
    Just read the new chapter. It was a good filler. I liked the memory. The only thing I could suggest is that in your stage directions, when you show someone doing something (for example, Pelliper's eye closing), don't write due to the attack. It is implied. As for my prediction for the 6th Pokemon. I suggest/predict Max to obtain a Houndour, which will hopefully become a Houndoom, from the Safari Zone. The Fire/Dark coverage will help Max's team overall, establishing a FWG core, as well as allowing him to deal with Ghost and Psychic Type Pokemon. It would also be nice if it got Nasty Plot because the animé tends to almost never have main story Pokemon use stat-boosting moves. By that I mean the Pokemon of Ash and his permanent traveling companions as well as direct rivals. Currently, Stephen is the only trainer who has a Pokemon with such a move (Sawk's Bulk Up). It would be a nice touch, and this is Max, so I feel that he'd think about coverage and using stat-boosting moves, like most good, competitive players.
    Ok)Thank you for the suggestion. But I hate Houndoom for its devil design. So always no.
    But you can suggest more, I'll be grateful

    And I like the fact that you compare my fic to the series.)

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    Another brilliant installment!
    With Treeko's evolution, i think there's a lot of options available here. The way Grovyle's pound attack was flawed was very interesting and this could lead to a new move to compensate or maybe a story of grovyle sruggling to control its new abilities And i'm glad to say your grammar keeps getting better as well
    Everything seems normal, with Joe and Adam venturing on their quest through Kanto, but what is the mysterious Team Storm planning?

    Pokemon: Kanto Legends

    Come on the Mighty Infernape!

  23. #298
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    Quote Originally Posted by infernape100 View Post
    Another brilliant installment!
    With Treeko's evolution, i think there's a lot of options available here. The way Grovyle's pound attack was flawed was very interesting and this could lead to a new move to compensate or maybe a story of grovyle sruggling to control its new abilities And i'm glad to say your grammar keeps getting better as well
    Well, thanks a lot!
    You know, I think now of Grovyle's moveslot...It has 5 moves, but I don't know whether to leave it with 5 or not(
    About grammar, I am happy that you see that

    P.S.I am waiting for the anniversary 300 comment in the thread...
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 27th August 2012 at 11:11 PM.

  24. #299
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    Quote Originally Posted by RealRaymon View Post
    James: “use Bubblebeam on Treecko!”
    It should be Use xD Only "mistake" I found

    Great chapter, your descriptions are still very good.

    I got this in my fic so I'll write it to you as well. I think you should show more personality for the Pokemon during combat. Like, more interactions between the Pokemon in battle. You could have Grovyle smile at Pelipper before the big clash which would be showing Grovyle enjoying the battle, while another Pokemon that doesn't like battling would show kind of a sad face.
    The difference:

    "Right before Grovyle and Pelipper used their moves, they both grinned at each other"
    and
    "Right before Grovyle and Pelipper used their moves, Grovyle took a deep breath, closed his eyes and just went for it"

    The first one would be showing Grovyle likes battles and is happy when battling, and the other would show Grovyle's anxhiety and that he gets nervous in battle.
    Hope I helped

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    Quote Originally Posted by OshaMijuWott View Post
    The story is very well-written and you keep us readers interested every chapter, the anticipation of a Mudkip evolution is killing me! Happy 300th post, RealRaymon!
    Thank you, and you know, its evolution is very close. 1 or 2 chapters before it
    Quote Originally Posted by TheSirPeras View Post
    It should be Use xD Only "mistake" I found

    Great chapter, your descriptions are still very good.

    I got this in my fic so I'll write it to you as well. I think you should show more personality for the Pokemon during combat. Like, more interactions between the Pokemon in battle. You could have Grovyle smile at Pelipper before the big clash which would be showing Grovyle enjoying the battle, while another Pokemon that doesn't like battling would show kind of a sad face.
    The difference:

    "Right before Grovyle and Pelipper used their moves, they both grinned at each other"
    and
    "Right before Grovyle and Pelipper used their moves, Grovyle took a deep breath, closed his eyes and just went for it"

    The first one would be showing Grovyle likes battles and is happy when battling, and the other would show Grovyle's anxhiety and that he gets nervous in battle.
    Hope I helped
    Thanks for the help
    I'll answer why I don't describe interactions between the Pokemon in battle too much. I do them, but I think many interactions and descriptions in battles may spoil the flow of the battle(I mean battles must be easy and quick to read)

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