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Thread: Max's New Adventures

  1. #376
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    Quote Originally Posted by TheSirPeras View Post
    Cool chapter, glad to see Butch and Cassidy return, I wonder why their boss wanted the electricity.
    It doesn't matter if you don't have as much time though, you should take your time to make a great chapter, may take weeks but that's what good writers do, you're still a good writer
    Thank you, that is very nice of you I really enjoy reading your comments
    Well, Giovanni needs electricity for unknown mission in the Unova region

    Quote Originally Posted by PaddysTurtwigFanClub View Post
    Hey real raymon, good to see a new chapter. I liked were it picked of (the cliff-hanger). The description of mudkip's evolution was very good. As usual the description was very good, how the moves hit etc. And of course the welcome return of international super villans Cassidy and Bartholomew.

    There are a you things to improve. You said "Cassidy and Bart, i knew it were you!"

    The correct english is:
    Cassidy and Bart, i knew it was you

    Overall very good though, always good keeping the rocket due as an element in the story as it gives you stuff to build on. I am very pleased and this is one of my favourite chapters you have written.
    (Post 200=))
    First of all, thank you very much, I appreciated your comment as I usually doYour comments inspire me to write more and more)
    Secondly, it is very kind of you to leave an anniversary 200 post in my thread)

    You know, I want to ask you one question...Why is this chapter one of your favourites?)I mean it is shorter than others

  2. #377
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    Im glad i make people want to do what their good at.=D

    I really don't know why i liked this chapter so much. I will say again about the way i love your descriptions, they make me visualize everything like an anime episode. This chapter was a filler, but a decent one. I guess it is just all of the small elements coming together and making a good impression, mudkip evo, rocket etc.
    I will always try to focus on the positives, because i think this fic is very good and i am glad you appreciate the amount of time i put into my comments.
    My Shiny Pokemon:

    5th Gen:
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    3DS fc: Paddy 2621-3316-5077 (Pm if you add me)

  3. #378
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    Your grammar has greatly improved. The only two problems I found were:

    Max: "What are you doing here?" (looking at robot) "Ahh, you are stealing the electricity from generator, and" (looks at robot's eyes) "This robot is the reason why all Pokemon were so angry!"

    Add a "the" inbetween all and Pokemon.

    Max: "I knew it were you, Cassidy and Bart!"

    Make it "I knew it was you, Cassidy and Bart!"

    And again, your grammar has really improved.
    Anger the Blaziken, and you get BURNED

    Example of the above:
    YOU: Hey Blaziken, your ugly!
    BLAZIKEN: .......JO FACE!(burnnned)

  4. #379
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    Quote Originally Posted by ultimateblaziken11 View Post
    Your grammar has greatly improved. The only two problems I found were:

    Max: "What are you doing here?" (looking at robot) "Ahh, you are stealing the electricity from generator, and" (looks at robot's eyes) "This robot is the reason why all Pokemon were so angry!"

    Add a "the" inbetween all and Pokemon.

    Max: "I knew it were you, Cassidy and Bart!"

    Make it "I knew it was you, Cassidy and Bart!"

    And again, your grammar has really improved.
    Thank you, I am happy that I made a proress in my grammar
    I've corrected the mistakes that you pointed out.

  5. #380
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    Hi guys!) I am very happy to present you the ending of the New Mauvile chapters
    Here it is, enjoy!

    The 24th Chapter: Elekid is my new friend!

    Wattson (looks at the panel with many buttons): ‘’Oh, all systems function normally! But why wasn’t it working?’’

    Max: “Maybe a robot was the reason it was not working.”

    Wattson: “Which robot?”

    Max: “Team Rocket used their robot to sap electricity from the generator.”

    Wattson: “Well.” (Comes to a round grey thing, that is about 5feet, and looks at something.)
    “Hmm…The generator has no electricity at the moment.”

    Max (wonders): “So, what you planning to do?”

    Wattson (takes Pokeball out of his pocket): “I’ll recharge it. Go!”

    (Wattson’s Pokemon comes out. Its body is mainly blue in color and it has a spiky, yellow mane on its head. Max recognises this Pokemon immediately.)

    Manectric (looks with a very confident look): “Manectric!”

    Max: “Oh, your Manectric is more powerful than before!” (takes pokedex and checks the data on Manectric.)

    Pokedex: “Manectric, the Discharge Pokémon. Manectric has the ability to gather local electrical energy in its mane, and then discharge it, creating thunder clouds.”

    Wattson: “Thank you! Okay, Manectric, use Thunder!”

    Manectric: “Tric!” (Starts gathering electricity and unleashes a powerful bolt.)

    (The generator starts charging quickly and after 5 seconds, it starts working and producing electricity.)

    Wattson: “All right!”

    Manectric (smiles): “Trik!”

    Wattson: “Let’s return to the gym now!”

    Max: “Yeah! I want to see how Elekid is doing…”

    Watson: “Ok, return Manectric, thank you!”

    Manetric: “Man.”

    (Wattson returns his Pokemon and they return to the gym. We see Wattson’s assistant attaching some medical equipment to Elekid. Elekid is still in bad shape, but it looks at Max, and it seems that it wants to say something to him.)

    Max: “Elekid, don’t worry. You will be fine very soon.”

    Elekid (making weak sounds): “Bwii-ii…”

    Wattson’s assistant: “All is set and ready!”

    Wattson: “Good. Begin.”

    (Wattson’s assistant turns the charging system on and Elekid’s body is hit by electrical jolts. Its body glows and sparkles. After a short time, Elekid opens eyes and the system shuts down automatically.)

    Max: “How are you Elekid?”

    Elekid (stands and starts spinning it arms): “Bwii!” (uses thunderbolt.)

    Watson: “Whoah! Stop that!”

    Elekid (stops and looks down with a sad face): “Bwiii.”

    Max: “Elekid, I am glad you are okay now!” (hugs it.)

    Elekid (smiles): “Bwii”

    Wattson: “Max, I think this Elekid likes you. Do you want it to be your Pokemon?”

    Max (starts thinking about that): “Well, I don’t know…This Elekid has a trainer. Maybe I should return it…”

    Elekid (after hearing these words): “Bwii!” (looks at Max and nods, showing Max that he is unwilling to return to his trainer)

    Max: “What is wrong, Elekid?”

    Elekid (points its arm at Max and says calmly): “Bwii.”

    Wattson: “I knew it, Elekid wants to join your team.”

    Max: “Is that true, Elekid?”

    Elekid (nods): “Bwii.”

    Max: “That’s great! Okay.”

    (Max takes his bag, takes a Pokeball and softly touches Elekid’s head. After that Elekid starts glowing red, goes in the Pokeball and the centre of the Pokeeball glows right showing that Elekid is caught.)

    Max: “Yeah! I have a new friend! Go, Pokeball!”

    (Elekid comes out again and is very happy.)

    Elekid: “Bwii!”

    Wattson: “Congratulations, Max!”

    Max: “Thank you, sir!”

    Wattson: “Are you planning to challenge my gym?”

    Max: “Yes.”

    Wattson: “Is tomorrow fine for you?”

    Max: “Yeah, it will be fine for me.”

    Wattson: “Okay, I’ll be waiting for you. And don’t forget one thing.”

    Max: “What do you mean?”

    Wattson: “Use the door on the left side of the gym!”

    Max (quickly remembers his past experience): “Oh, I won’t forget that, thanks!”

    The end of the 24th Chapter.

    P.S.gym battle is next. I have a good plan about the battle
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 14th October 2012 at 7:43 PM.

  6. #381
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    Hey smart idea with producing electricty lol

    My only thing is that when Manectric is sent out, he was kinda discribed as just... sitting there. Like maybe say something like he was wagging is tail or jumpnig up and down in exitement of being out of his poke-ball.

    Soo yeah, looking foward to the gym challenge and yay elikid XD. (most of my words are spelled wrong because I have noo spell check on this computer :[ )
    岩根雅明=♡

  7. #382
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    I now comment your last two chapters.

    About the your last chapter before the newest chapter, it was good. It was nice to see Mudkip evolving and learning Mud Shot. It was also nice to see Marshtomp being afraid of that Thunderbolt and then realizing that Thunder attacks don't affect to it, since it's a Water/Ground Pokemon. It was also nice to see Butch and Cassidy appearing, although they lost too easily. They should've at least used their Pokemon, since even it has been stated that Butch and Cassidy are much better members in Team Rocket than Jessie, James and Meowth. But aside for that, good chapter.

    And now I comment your newest chapter.
    I liked it and it was longer than previous chapter. It was great to see Elekid joining to Max's team and I think the way Max caught it was good. Elekid made it clear that he doesn't want to return to Shoe and that he wants to join to Max's team. And it's great that gym battle will be in next chapter, I can't wait to see it.
    Welcome back Charizard! I've missed you so much! <3

  8. #383
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    Cool chapter, good to have a break from the action we had before, and cool to see Elekid join! Max's team is starting to shape up well! Can't wait to read the next chapter,

    The chosen ones (for now)

  9. #384
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    It was a good chapter and seeing Max get Elekid.But I don't think you can catch anybody else's Pokemon with a Pokeball.Its stated in the games that Pokeballs should only be thrown at wild Pokemon.And even though villaneous teams steal Pokemon,they do not catch it.And also I have a suggestion.Maybe Elekid's original trainer comes and wants it back because technically he had not releases it.and they can have a battle for the ownership of Elekid.
        Spoiler:- Completed and Current Playthroughs:

  10. #385
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    Hello again.
    Plain and simple.
    Filler chapter
    Satisfied.
    That sums it up pretty much, but lets go into derail.
    The thing i like about your fillers is that you make them good. Max could have easily got Watson's Macetric to charge the generater everyone goes back to the gym elekid comes with max, gym tomorrow happy days. But you describe the picture and the sound very well, especially with elekid.
    Also no SPG errors this time as far as i can see so well done on that. I cannot wait to see the gym battle!
    My Shiny Pokemon:

    5th Gen:
    ;Emolga; ;Solosis;

    6th Gen:
    Greninja ;Volcarona; (X2) Aegislash ;Lampent; Diggersby

    Luvin' the t'wigs <3
    3DS fc: Paddy 2621-3316-5077 (Pm if you add me)

  11. #386
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    Wow!)So many replies, thanks guys
    I'll answer all of them!)
    Hey smart idea with producing electricty lol
    My only thing is that when Manectric is sent out, he was kinda discribed as just... sitting there. Like maybe say something like he was wagging is tail or jumpnig up and down in exitement of being out of his poke-ball.
    Soo yeah, looking foward to the gym challenge and yay elikid XD. (most of my words are spelled wrong because I have noo spell check on this computer :[ )
    Okay, I'll think about what Pokemon should do when they are sent out next time)
    It's okay, I can understand you without spell check.
    I now comment your last two chapters.

    About the your last chapter before the newest chapter, it was good. It was nice to see Mudkip evolving and learning Mud Shot. It was also nice to see Marshtomp being afraid of that Thunderbolt and then realizing that Thunder attacks don't affect to it, since it's a Water/Ground Pokemon. It was also nice to see Butch and Cassidy appearing, although they lost too easily. They should've at least used their Pokemon, since even it has been stated that Butch and Cassidy are much better members in Team Rocket than Jessie, James and Meowth. But aside for that, good chapter.

    And now I comment your newest chapter.
    I liked it and it was longer than previous chapter. It was great to see Elekid joining to Max's team and I think the way Max caught it was good. Elekid made it clear that he doesn't want to return to Shoe and that he wants to join to Max's team. And it's great that gym battle will be in next chapter, I can't wait to see it.
    Okay, I'l improve my writing in terms of making Cassidy and Bark stronger
    Cool chapter, good to have a break from the action we had before, and cool to see Elekid join! Max's team is starting to shape up well! Can't wait to read the next chapter
    Yeah, Max's team starts getting stronger)
    I can't wait to read it either
    You know, guys, I really like to reread my chapters, because I actually forget the plot sometimes and I like my chapters as well
    It was a good chapter and seeing Max get Elekid.But I don't think you can catch anybody else's Pokemon with a Pokeball.Its stated in the games that Pokeballs should only be thrown at wild Pokemon.And even though villaneous teams steal Pokemon,they do not catch it.And also I have a suggestion.Maybe Elekid's original trainer comes and wants it back because technically he had not releases it.and they can have a battle for the ownership of Elekid.
    Sorry for not making clear that Sho released it My fault. I'll improve on that part, but, actually Sho left Elekid without thinking of it. Max will meet Sho again, but thanks for the advice
    Hello again.
    Plain and simple.
    Filler chapter
    Satisfied.
    That sums it up pretty much, but lets go into detail.
    The thing i like about your fillers is that you make them good. Max could have easily got Watson's Macetric to charge the generator, everyone goes back to the gym, elekid comes with Max, gym is tomorrow, - happy days. But you describe the picture and the sound very well, especially with elekid.
    Also no SPG errors this time as far as i can see so well done on that. I cannot wait to see the gym battle!
    I am glad that I haven't made them this time(SPG mistakes)
    And I like that you like the way I describe the picture and sounds

  12. #387
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    Ok then. I really liked this chapter, Elekid being captured was good, though I think Sho will return to get it back, new rival?
    Hoorray for fillers!
    I'm pretty surprised that Max nearly has his team before the 3rd Gym, just missing one poke... Now I made myself curious again.

  13. #388
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    Quote Originally Posted by dirkac View Post
    Ok then. I really liked this chapter, Elekid being captured was good, though I think Sho will return to get it back, new rival?
    Hoorray for fillers!
    I'm pretty surprised that Max nearly has his team before the 3rd Gym, just missing one poke... Now I made myself curious again.
    He doesn't have Ralts yet. So there are 4 Pokemon on his team. Ash had 4 Pokemon as well before challenging Wattson)
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 12th October 2012 at 9:46 AM.

  14. #389
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    will he have more than 4 going on in this story or not?

    also you can slap me on the pm/vm list, im liking this
    岩根雅明=♡

  15. #390
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    will he have more than 4 going on in this story or not?

    also you can slap me on the pm/vm list, im liking this
    Yeah, he will have more than 4

    Yay! New followerSure I'll add you now

  16. #391
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    Quote Originally Posted by RealRaymon View Post
    He doesn't have Ralts yet. So there are 4 Pokemon on his team. Ash had 4 Pokemon as well before challenging Wattson
    Oh yeah. I keep forgetting -.-

  17. #392
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    Quote Originally Posted by dirkac View Post
    Oh yeah. I keep forgetting -.-
    It's okay)
    By the way, I have started writing the chapter and I think I'll post it vvery soon!

  18. #393
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    (Wattson returns his Pokemon and they return to the gym. The scene of New Mauville changes a new scene. We see Wattson’s assistant attaching some medical equipment to Elekid. Elekid is still in bad shape, but it looks at Max, and it seems that it wants to say something to him.)

    I think the "The scene of New Mauville changes to a new scene." is really unnecessary. The first sentence already says that they returned to the gym.

    That was really the only grammar error I could find.

    But I think your chapters are getting a bit too predictable. It always sticks to what the characters say is going to happen, and it was quite obvious that Elekid would join Max. Try making something abnormal happen, such as introducing one of the Hoenn Legendary Pokemon and making it go on a rampage or something.

    But good job!
    Anger the Blaziken, and you get BURNED

    Example of the above:
    YOU: Hey Blaziken, your ugly!
    BLAZIKEN: .......JO FACE!(burnnned)

  19. #394
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    Quote Originally Posted by ultimateblaziken11 View Post
    (Wattson returns his Pokemon and they return to the gym. The scene of New Mauville changes a new scene. We see Wattson’s assistant attaching some medical equipment to Elekid. Elekid is still in bad shape, but it looks at Max, and it seems that it wants to say something to him.)

    I think the "The scene of New Mauville changes to a new scene." is really unnecessary. The first sentence already says that they returned to the gym.

    That was really the only grammar error I could find.

    But I think your chapters are getting a bit too predictable. It always sticks to what the characters say is going to happen, and it was quite obvious that Elekid would join Max. Try making something abnormal happen, such as introducing one of the Hoenn Legendary Pokemon and making it go on a rampage or something.

    But good job!
    Thanks, I've corrected the mistake.
    Well, I hope my new chapters will be less predictable

  20. #395

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    Loving the 23rd chapter, mudkip's evolution was well worked and its good to see team rocket again.
    While it is hard to write with limited time, the 24th chapter felt rather linear. I felt that maybe something could have gone wrong during the charging of the generator or something like that. This just spices it up a bit.
    Overall, good chapters
    Everything seems normal, with Joe and Adam venturing on their quest through Kanto, but what is the mysterious Team Storm planning?

    Pokemon: Kanto Legends

    Come on the Mighty Infernape!

  21. #396
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    Quote Originally Posted by infernape100 View Post
    Loving the 23rd chapter, mudkip's evolution was well worked and its good to see team rocket again.
    While it is hard to write with limited time, the 24th chapter felt rather linear. I felt that maybe something could have gone wrong during the charging of the generator or something like that. This just spices it up a bit.
    Overall, good chapters
    Thank you, I'll improve on that point)

  22. #397
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    Hi guys!) I am very sorry to all of you. I am really busy
    But I finally ready with a new Chapter!
    I hope you'll enjoy it

    The 25th Chapter: Let's charge for the Gym battle!

    (It is late in the night. Max can’t sleep, he is thinking about his upcoming battle with Wattson.)

    Max (quietly): “What strategy should I use against Wattson? Hmm. He has a Manetric, and a powerful one…”
    ____________________________________
    Ash: “Torkoal, use Overheat!”

    Torkoal: “Tor-Koal!” (Blasts huge stream of fire)

    Wattson: “Use Charge Manectric!”

    (Manectric starts gathering electricity and takes Torkoal’s attack. It seems that Overheat didn’t do much to Manectric)

    Ash: “Overheat, once more!”

    Wattson: “Use Charge!”

    Manectric: “Man!” (Takes the hit.)

    Ash (repeats): “Use Overheat!”

    Wattson: “Use Thunder Wave!”

    Manectric: “Manetric!” (Unleashes huge electric wave that overpowers Overheat and knocks Torkoal out.)

    Ash (stunned): “No, Torkoal!”

    Torkoal (lies on the ground with spiral eyes): “Torkoal…”

    Wattson: “Good job, Manectric!”

    Manectric: “Manectric!”
    ____________________________________

    Max: “His Manectric was so powerful that day…And now it is even stronger.” (Asks himself) “Which Pokemon should I use? Hmm…Well, Marshtomp is immune and Grovyle is a good matchup against Electric Pokemon…I can use Elekid, but it hasn’t battled yet. I can use Taillow, but..” (Then continues) “Z-z-z-z…” (Falls asleep.)

    (Max wakes up in the morning, puts clothes up and, after a breakfast, he decides to go on the battlefield near the PokeCenter. He has something on his mind.)

    Max (takes Pokeball): “Go, Elekid!”

    Elekid (comes out and starts spinning his arms, generating electricity): “Bwii!”

    Max: “Would you like to train with me?”

    Elekid (nods): “Bwii!”

    Max: “Okay!” (Takes another Pokeball) “Go, Taillow!”

    (Taillow comes out, soaring in the air.)

    Max (To Taillow): “Would you like to train with me?”

    Taillow (nods): “Low!”

    Max: “Okay then. You should dodge Elekid’s attacks and train your speed!”

    Taillow (looks at Elekid with surprised eyes): “Low?”

    (Then Max feels that his other Pokeballs automatically open)

    Grovyle and Marshtomp (look at Elekid with surprised faces): “Grov? Marsh?”

    Elekid (stops spinning arms and starts feeling worried): “Bwiii…”

    Max: “Oh yeah, I forgot! Guys, here is our new friend, Elekid!”

    (Now the Pokemon understand the situation and greet Elekid. Grovyle even shakes hands with Elekid.)

    Max: “Okay, let’s begin our training. Elekid, use Thunderbolt on Taillow!”

    (Elekid starts spiining its arms and uses a powerful Thunderbolt. Taillow dodges the attack because of its speed, but it was a close one.)

    Max: “That was a powerful one, Elekid!”

    Elekid (answers with a “very desired to battle more” look): “Bwii!”

    Max: “Use! …Hmm” (Starts thinking which other moves Elekid knows) “Which other moves do you know?”

    Elekid (starts explaining): “Bwii, bwii! Bwii.”

    Max: “Sadly I don’t understand you. I’ve got an idea though. I’ll check you in the Pokedex!” (Takes Pokedex from his bag and points at Elekid.)

    Pokedex: “Elekid knows the following moves: Thunderbolt, Thunderpunch, Brick Break and Swift!”

    Max: “Great moves!”

    Elekid (watches Pokedex and really likes it): “Bwiii…”

    Max: “Okay, let’s continue.” (Closes Dex and wants to put it in the bag)

    Elekid (becomes angry): “Bwii!” (Points at Pokedex.)

    Max (surprised): “What’s the matter, Elekid?”

    (Elekid goes on pointing at Dex and Max realizes that it wants to get it. Max gives Pokedex to Elekid.)

    Elekid (stares at it and smiles): “Bwiii!” (Its eyes are shining of joy)

    Max: “Oh, come on! Let’s continue, Elekid!”

    Elekid (nods) : “Bwii.” (Returns it to Max)

    Max: “Elekid, use Thunderpunch on Grovyle!” (To Grovyle) “Grovyle, use Leaf Blade!”

    (Two attacks collide. Grovyle pushes Elekid back and Elekid loses the matchup with Grovyle)

    Max (worried): “Elekid, are you allright?”

    Elekid (stands up): “Bwiii” (Shows that it is okay.)

    Max: “Try your Swift attack on Marshtomp!”

    (Elekid fires a ray of yellow coloured stars at Marshtomp. Max orders Marshtomp to counter it back with Mud Shot. This time attacks are equal, and Elekid smiles that it didn’t lose.)

    Max: “Elekid, do you think you can smash that boulder up there?” (Points at a boulder near them.)

    Elekid: (is not sure) “Bwii..?” (Comes closer, focuses, and uses Brick Break on the boulder, smashing it on two parts.)

    Max: “That’s great! Well, I think you are trained well, Elekid!”

    Elekid (happily): “Bwiii!”

    Max(turns to Taillow, Marshtomp, and Grovyle): “And you guys!”

    Pokemon: “Tai-Grov-Shtomp!”

    (Suddenly a man in a white lab oat comes to Max.)

    Max: “Oh, you are Wattson’s assistant! How are you?”

    Wattson’s Assistant: “I am good, thanks! I have good news for you!”

    Max: “Which news I wonder?”

    Wattson’s Assistant: “Wattson invites you to his gym today…to battle him!”

    Max: “Today?”

    Wattson’s Assistant: “If you are not ready, I can ask him to battle you tomorrow.”

    Max: “Of course I am ready! I’ll battle Wattson today!”

    The end of 25th Chapter.
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 10th December 2012 at 1:39 PM.

  23. #398
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    I liked you had a training session, most Journey fics don't seem to have them :P
    IT was good that you remembered that the rest of the team doesn't know Elekid, so to use this as an introduction chapter was very good to me.

    And like we said before, don't apolagize for being late on a chapter, take as long as you posibly need.

  24. #399
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    It was a good chapter.Welcome back after a long time.It was good welcoming of Elekid by Taillow,Grovyle and Marshtomp.I didn't understand why Elekid want to take the PokeDex from Max.Maybe it likes it because it is powered by electricity.And Elekid surely seems strong,I wonder why Sho left him.And with the training chapter dedicated to Elekid, I wonder if Elekid will be the star of the gym.
        Spoiler:- Completed and Current Playthroughs:

  25. #400
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    Good to see you back.
    To critique...
    I'll start with the only negative, you said by instead of but in the paragraph after Max remembers ashes battle. To the good. Glad to see a good bit of training going on, it proves the pokemon are developing and getting stronger. You described the execution of moves wel, as always, i could visualise what was happening. I'm glad you're also giving pokemon characteristics it seems more natural. Well done, psyched for the gym battle!
    My Shiny Pokemon:

    5th Gen:
    ;Emolga; ;Solosis;

    6th Gen:
    Greninja ;Volcarona; (X2) Aegislash ;Lampent; Diggersby

    Luvin' the t'wigs <3
    3DS fc: Paddy 2621-3316-5077 (Pm if you add me)

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