Max's New Adventures

[PaddysTurtwigFanClub]

Hey, first of all i want to say sorry, i have been reading this fic just not commenting. Well that last chapter was one of the best so far. I liked the battle between Max and Benjamin, you described how the pokemon used the moves and how they reacted when hit. I really disliked how elekid was been treated and glad max decided to help him out. And the appearance watson was also good, i assume after max travels to new mauville that the gym battle happens. I am glad that treecko/grovyle aren't getting all the attention any more. I'm glad mudkip battled even though he had a type disadvantage. I look forward to reading more, and i presume thats not all we'll see of elekid. This is a brilliant fic, i love it because it is styled like the anime but with better story lines =)

[RealRaymon]

Hey, first of all i want to say sorry, i have been reading this fic just not commenting. Well that last chapter was one of the best so far. I liked the battle between Max and Benjamin, you described how the pokemon used the moves and how they reacted when hit. I really disliked how elekid was been treated and glad max decided to help him out. And the appearance watson was also good, i assume after max travels to new mauville that the gym battle happens. I am glad that treecko/grovyle aren't getting all the attention any more. I'm glad mudkip battled even though he had a type disadvantage. I look forward to reading more, and i presume thats not all we'll see of elekid. This is a brilliant fic, i love it because it is styled like the anime but with better story lines =)

I am very happy to see your comment, thanks)
yeah, you are right. The gym battle is after New Mauville. I liked the fact that I imroved on dividing the time between Pokemon more or less equally, and about Mudkip, it has a fear for electricity for a reason. I won't spoil you the plot of next chapter, though. And that is not all for Elekid.
thanks again and I hope you will comment more often, I really liked this one

And what do you mean by ''with better storylines than in the anime''? Why do you think so?)

[PaddysTurtwigFanClub]

You spend time putting effort into your fic, yes? You are doing things the way you want to, right?
The anime on the other hand selects the gyms from the game ex: rs dp bw. Gets ash through them, end of story. Bad fillers in between. As longs as you don't keep this linear, it will continue to be excellent. Basically, do not just put the gyms in and no real fillers. You put problems and diversions for max to face, which makes it more exciting. I look forward to reading more after this =D

[Charizard-Fan]

Good chapter!
Max finally suffered his first loss. It's good that he didn't win this time because it would unrealistic if Max wouldn't ever lose. It's good if he wins most of his battles in future but make sure he loses sometimes.
I liked Sho appearing in your fan-fic. However, I think he was a bit out of character: He has shown to arrogant but not as cruel as he was in your fan-fic. When Ash' Pikachu defeated his Raichu, he admitted that Ash's Pikachu is strong and that he was wrong.
I liked Max taking care of Elekid and I'm pretty sure that that's the Elekid Max is gonna get.
I was disappointed when Max learned that he has to go to New Mauville before being able to challenge Wattson's gym but I quess Max getting Elekid later makes it up.

Also, this is not really a criticism to your chapter but it is an advice for you: Make sure you show on-screen training quite often. I understand you can't show it always but make sure you show it often. Some chapters could start that way that Max is training.
And I hope that Team Aqua and (if Team Magma appear) Team Magma will often appear. I really wonder whether or not Team Aqua has changed.

[RealRaymon]

You spend time putting effort into your fic, yes? You are doing things the way you want to, right?
The anime on the other hand selects the gyms from the game ex: rs dp bw. Gets ash through them, end of story. Bad fillers in between. As longs as you don't keep this linear, it will continue to be excellent. Basically, do not just put the gyms in and no real fillers. You put problems and diversions for max to face, which makes it more exciting. I look forward to reading more after this =D

Well, I think so(about much effort)
Yeah, I really try to make filers interesting, but I am not sure whether readers consider them interesting or not.
thanks again

Good chapter!
Max finally suffered his first loss. It's good that he didn't win this time because it would unrealistic if Max wouldn't ever lose. It's good if he wins most of his battles in future but make sure he loses sometimes.
I liked Sho appearing in your fan-fic. However, I think he was a bit out of character: He has shown to arrogant but not as cruel as he was in your fan-fic. When Ash' Pikachu defeated his Raichu, he admitted that Ash's Pikachu is strong and that he was wrong.
I liked Max taking care of Elekid and I'm pretty sure that that's the Elekid Max is gonna get.
I was disappointed when Max learned that he has to go to New Mauville before being able to challenge Wattson's gym but I quess Max getting Elekid later makes it up.

Also, this is not really a criticism to your chapter but it is an advice for you: Make sure you show on-screen training quite often. I understand you can't show it always but make sure you show it often. Some chapters could start that way that Max is training.
And I hope that Team Aqua and (if Team Magma appear) Team Magma will often appear. I really wonder whether or not Team Aqua has changed.

Thanks!
Yeah, he can't always win.
Well, I understand that I made Sho cruel, but we've never seen him training other Pokemon than Raichu.
Abiut Max's training...I think that I describe all of his life here, and you see that he more battles than trains. But, I think that battles train Pokemon as well. But I will try to make him train more.
About Elekid, well, you'll see
Well, frankly speaking, I don't have big plans for neither of these teams. I am not good so far with introducing villians(

[infernape100]

hey, sorry for not posting recently i've been a tad busy
I really liked how you added the fear of electricity for mudkip, it gave him a bit more character and i'm looking forwar to how it gets over it (marshtomp?)
Like has been pointed out before, however, the grammar is dropping again but i trust you will get back to your best quickly
but some more great stuff

[Doryuzu]

Chapter 1

I like Max as a character and was a fan of him in the anime, so I'm interested in how you'll handle that and his character and expand upon his plot since we really didn't hear of him after the AG saga ended. I'm gonna be honest with you, you need a lot of work and improvement. This might be Chapter 1, but all around I can see pretty poorly done things. I hope I don't sound rude or like a jerk. Misplaced punctuation for one and the grammar, you really need to clean it up. Secondly, your description is just poor.

(Aggron releases Ice beam, Drake command Flygon to dodge, but it is too tired and it is hit and Flygon is knocked out)

What does it look like? Flygon, Ice Beam, and Aggron?

Your description is bone-dry. You can do better than that, you really really can.

Aggron stood mighty, huffing in a deep breath of air and upon opening its mouth unleashed a furious blast of a cold blast that flew toward Flygon. The Dragon Pokemon breathed heavily and did its best to evade the dangerous attack, but it was just too fatigued as was promptly blasted by the Ice-type move. Slamming against the ground painfully, it was all over for Flygon as the referee announced it was unable to continue.

You need to add a little meat to your story's description, paint a picture like as if I was in Max's place. I'm not a fan of the script form dialogue either. Many lines are rife with mistakes. Your formatting, your grammar, your spelling ("mudkid"?), your puncuation...all needs work.

Other than that, I'm not surprised Max chose Treecko. That was what he was going for in the anime if he became a trainer, nice job sticking to canon and I'm looking forward to how the next chapter is handled.

[RealRaymon]

^^^^^^^^
Man, I appreciate your time. You have written about the very first chapter, about the poor grammar, spelling, etc.
I have written more than twenty chapters from that time, and I improved my writing skills. But to demonstrate it to you, I have rewritten the first chapter as well. Enjoy it now!)

[RealRaymon]

I am very happy that I finally post a new chapter. That were really busy three weeks at my university, and, unfortunately, the things won't get better for me in a while..

As for good, here is my new Chapter, guys! Enjoy it!)

The 22nd Chapter: Fight your fear, Mudkip!

(Max is on his way to the New Mauville, he runs to the place near the Cycling Road and sees that a New Mauville is a small Island with a cave on it.)

Max: "So, here is the New Mauville. I wonder how am I supposed to go there?"

(Looks at the water near the Island and sees a small sandy path that leads all the way to the island.)

Max (shouts): "That's great! I can go there!"

(He enters the path and carefully walks on it. It takes him about ten minutes to reach the island.)

Max (wipes sweat as he is tired) "Whew..." (Looks at the large cave with a metallic door at the entrance.) "Oh, I see a door here."

(Max looks at the door and sees many buttons on it, where is a little screen, so Max should write a certain combination of numbers to get in.)

Max (surprised) "What should I do?" (After a short thought he came up with an idea)
"Oh yeah, I can use my PokeNav and call Wattson!"

(Max takes a PokeNav out of his bag and enters a CONTACTS menu. And soon enough he finds PokeCenters numbers)

Max (after a quick thought): "I should call to Nurse Joy and ask her to connect me with Wattson." (calls Nurse Joy)

(It doesn't take long for Nurse Joy to answer Max.)

Nurse Joy: "Oh, hi again? So, how is it going?"

Max (hesitates): "Ehhm...I...Actually, I need to enter the password on the door in the New Mauville...Can you connect me with Mr. Wattson somehow?"

Nurse Joy: "Well, I think so...just wait few seconds."(Starts doing something on her videophone and very soon after Max's screen on PokeNav starts showing Wattson."

Wattson (Wonders): "Hey Max, what happened to you?"

Max: "Actually, I don't know the password on the Metallic door at the entrance."

Wattson: "So, this is the problem?" (Makes a pause and then suddenly...) "Ahahahaha!"
(Laughs loudly and then says) "I actually removed the password a long time ago. Have you tried to pull the door?"

Max (makes a very surprised face): "No. I'll try to do it now."

Wattson: "Ok. I'll wait."

Max (just pulls the door and opens it): "Yeah! I opened it. Thank you."

Wattson: "No problem. I'll be checking your location and if something happens just give me a signal by calling me back. Do you see my number on the top of your screen?"

(Max looks at the number that is shown on the top of the screen, a bit higher than the image of Wattson.)

Max: "Yeah, I see it."

Wattson: "Ok. If any problem, just call me back."

Max (nods): "Understood."

(Max opens the door and sees a lot of lightened rooms and paths. These rooms have steel walls and halls with nothing inside these halls, except some cords that provide electricity.)

Max: "I wonder why generator isn't working. Electricity is stable here."

???: "Vol-torb!"

(Max sees two rolling objects passing nearby. They look like Pokeballs.)

Max (happy that he saw Pokemon): "Voltorb! Let's check it!" (Quickly takes his Pokedex and points it at Voltorb..)

Pokedex: " Voltorb. The ball Pokemon. This mysterious Pokémon uses strong Electric attacks, and is often found near power plants. Voltorb may also explode without warning."

Max: "Great! I have always wanted to catch one!"

Voltorb (turns to Max , looks angrily at him and starts glowing yellow): "Vol-torb-voltorb..."

Max (quickly changes his mind.): "I'll catch it next time..." (Runs away in the next hall.)

(Max enters new hall, sees nothing, except a magnet on the floor.)

Max: "A magnet? I guess it can be useful." (Takes and puts it in his bag.)

(Enters another hall ad sees Four Pokemon, which are floating in the air. They look like magnets. They spot Max and quickly turn back and fly to another room.)

Max: "Hey, stop!" (Tries to chase them, and while he is running, he uses his Pokedex's help to find some information about these Pokemon.)

Pokedex: " Magnemite, the Magnet Pokémon. It's able to float through the air and leave its Thunder Wave through its magnet shaped units located on its sides."

Max: "I wonder what's up with them?!"

(Magnemite finally reach the largest room in the cave, but the generator is not there. Max sees that these four Magnemites float near the Three-Magnet Pokemon. Max looks at their eyes and sees that they are half-closed and under some condition, close to a hypnosis. They angrily look at Max and Max sees that the Three-Magnet Pokemon starts charging electricity.)

???: "Magne-ton. Magne..." (Uses Thunderbolt on Max.)

Max (dodges): "Oh yeah? I'll show this Magneton who is a boss here!" (Takes his Pokeball and throws it) "Grovyle, I need your help!"

Grovyle (comes out of a Pokeball and stands in a cool pose) "Grovyle."

Max (yells): "Grovyle, use Leaf Blade!"

Grovyle (jumps) "Grov!"

(Grovyle's leafs on arms glow light green and he hits Magneton, giving it a hard time."

Magneton: "Magnet..." (starts charging light blue electricity in its magnets and uses Thunder Wave.)

Max: "Don't let it! Use Bullet Seed!"

(Grovyle counters Thunder Wave, and its attack seems to get the upper hand when Four Thunder Waves hit it. Grovyle becomes immobilized andis unable to move.)

Max: "Oh no, Grovyle! Hmm...Okay, Taillow, I choose you!"

Taillow: "Tai!"

Max: "Use Wing Attack spin combination!"

(While Taillow starts spinning, Max quickly takes his PokeNav and calls back to Wattson.)

Max (to Wattson): "Help, I have problems here!"

Wattson: "What? Ok, I'm on my way!"

Max (Looking at Taillow): "Use it on Magneton!"

Taillow (shouts): "Lo-o-ow!" (Hits Magneton and knocks it out.)

Max: "Great, Now use Aerial Ace on these Magnemite!"

(Taillow started flying at the left Magnemite, and before hitting suddenly disappeared, and hit Magnemite and knocked it out. But then, it was hit by two Thunderbolts and was knocked out as well.)

Max (dissapointed): "Oh..."

Grovyle (tries to move): "Grov! Grov...!" (But is still unable to do anything as one of Magnemites is still using Thunder Wave on it.)

Max (is thinking): "Well, the only Pokemon I have is Mudkip." (And then remembers what Nurse Joy has said to him)
________________________________________________

Nurse Joy: “Mudkip will recover soon. But no battles for today, okay?”

Max: “Okay.”
________________________________________________

Max (looking down and almost crying): "I know that you are weak, but I need you, Mudkip." (Takes Mudkip's Pokeball and throws it.) "Go!"

Mudkip (looking healthy, but a little bit tired): "Mud!"

Max: "I really need you pal!"

Mudkip (nods and looks desired and eager to help): "Kip!"

Max: "Use Water Gun on all of Magnemite!"

Mudkip: "Mud. Kiip!" (Blasts water and hits all Magnemites, hurting them.)

Grovyle: "Grov!" (Starts to move, but is still under the Thunder Wave.)

Max: "Use Water Gun again!"

(Mudkip Starts to use another Water Gun, when suddenly it is hit by a strong electrical attack from the left side. Max sees that Magneton starts recovering. Mudkip falls on the ground, but stands up with all the energy it has.)

Max (thinks) "Ehhh...I am not sure if Mudkip can handle it anymore." (yells) "Mudkip, use Water Gun on Magneton!"

Mudkip: "Mud" (takes a breath) "Kip!!" (hits Magneton and makes him fall again.)

Magnemite: "Magnemite!"

Mudkip: "Mu-u-ud!" (Mudkip is hit by a Thunder Wave. It suffers and is too frightened to do anything.)

Max (shouts): "No, Mudkip!" (Runs to save it and tries to free it by gets paralysed himself by the third Magnemite's Thunder Wave.)

Max: "Mudkip!! I'll save you!"

Mudkip (cries, but after Max's words stops being frightened and shouts very loudly): "Muudkipp!!"

(Magnemite stop the attack and Max see that Mudkip starts glowing white.)

Grovyle: "Grov?"

Max: "Could it be?"

The end of the 22nd Chapter.

[dirkac]

Like always, it was a good chapter, and cliffhangers are nice.

Anyway, Magneton starts standing up? I thought Magneton float? Other than this, there were only minor grammatical errors.

And it doesn't matter how long it takes to get a chapter done, as long as you still have fun making them, and it doesn't cut into things that also need to be done.

[RealRaymon]

Like always, it was a good chapter, and cliffhangers are nice.

Anyway, Magneton starts standing up? I thought Magneton float? Other than this, there were only minor grammatical errors.

And it doesn't matter how long it takes to get a chapter done, as long as you still have fun making them, and it doesn't cut into things that also need to be done.

Thank you for your comment
I meant not standing, but recovering. Gotta change it.
Well, I have fun, but not time. But I agree with you)

[TheSirPeras]

This chapter was good A few grammar mistakes but they're only a few and don't disrupt the reading so it's not a big problem. Liked that Mudkip was chosen even though he shouldn't battle, and the cliffhanger was awesome

[RealRaymon]

This chapter was good A few grammar mistakes but they're only a few and don't disrupt the reading so it's not a big problem. Liked that Mudkip was chosen even though he shouldn't battle, and the cliffhanger was awesome

Thank you Well, I don't know whether my grammar is improving or not, but we are preparing for IELTS this year.
So, I hope that I'll reduce the amount of mistakes I make.
I have also rewritten and I improved (I hope so) the first chapter. Give it a look)

[TheSirPeras]

Thank you Well, I don't know whether my grammar is improving or not, but we are preparing for IELTS this year.
So, I hope that I'll reduce the amount of mistakes I make.
I have always rewritten and I improved (I hope so) the first chapter. Give it a look)

You are improving a lot And I will now
Edit: Yeah it's pretty different and better than what I remember

[amittal12]

It was a good chapter.Though it had small grammar mistakes,it is understandable since you had not written a chapter for a long time.Mudkip finally evolving and fighting its electricity fear.But I don't think by evolving it can fight because it evolves into a water/ground type which take no damage from electric attacks so they shouldn't have much fear.I think he should have defeated Magneton to prove that he is not afraid of electricity and then evolved.

[RealRaymon]

It was a good chapter.Though it had small grammar mistakes,it is understandable since you had not written a chapter for a long time.Mudkip finally evolving and fighting its electricity fear.But I don't think by evolving it can fight because it evolves into a water/ground type which take no damage from electric attacks so they shouldn't have much fear.I think he should have defeated Magneton to prove that he is not afraid of electricity and then evolved.

Thanks
Well, my plot was that Mudkip will evolve and lose its fear because the electricity won't do damage for him anymore. But you have suggested a great idea as well.

[PaddysTurtwigFanClub]

Yesssss!!!!!
Its back! I'm very happy to see your fic back! I do appreciate that you dont have alot of free time due to school and such, lets comment....
I must compliment you on how consistent you are in your writing, every chapter is good detail and content wise. I think your description was great as usual, i could imagine it. I like the way all of the team were given a chance against the magnimite! Good cliff-hanger, i cannot wait to see what comes next, you are a good writer and there isn't anything to critisize in this chapter. I looking forward to the gym battle in the near future

[RealRaymon]

Yesssss!!!!!
Its back! I'm very happy to see your fic back! I do appreciate that you dont have alot of free time due to school and such, lets comment....
I must compliment you on how consistent you are in your writing, every chapter is good detail and content wise. I think your description was great as usual, i could imagine it. I like the way all of the team were given a chance against the magnimite! Good cliff-hanger, i cannot wait to see what comes next, you are a good writer and there isn't anything to critisize in this chapter. I looking forward to the gym battle in the near future

thank you very much!
Comments like that help me to believe in what I am doing and motivate me to update my fic

[Charizard-Fan]

Good chapter! It was nice to see a new chapter after a long time. However, I understand perfectly that you haven't had time for your fan-fic because of university.

It was nice to see Electric Pokemon causing really hard time for Max. And it was good to see Max remembering that he really shouldn't use his Mudkip. And of course the scene where Mudkip starts to evolve is great. It happened when all the hope was gone or something.
Your grammar was good but there were some grammar mistakes. They didn't bother me, though, and I'm sure you're gonna improve in grammar. And remember: you can always improve if you work hard.
Your descriptions were great, like always. That's one of the best things in your fan-fic.
I wonder if Mudkip is gonna learn a new move when it has evolved. Oh well, even if it doesn't, it's great to see Marshtomp.

[RealRaymon]

Good chapter! It was nice to see a new chapter after a long time. However, I understand perfectly that you haven't had time for your fan-fic because of university.

It was nice to see Electric Pokemon causing really hard time for Max. And it was good to see Max remembering that he really shouldn't use his Mudkip. And of course the scene where Mudkip starts to evolve is great. It happened when all the hope was gone or something.
Your grammar was good but there were some grammar mistakes. They didn't bother me, though, and I'm sure you're gonna improve in grammar. And remember: you can always improve if you work hard.
Your descriptions were great, like always. That's one of the best things in your fan-fic.
I wonder if Mudkip is gonna learn a new move when it has evolved. Oh well, even if it doesn't, it's great to see Marshtomp.

That's true. If you work hard you can achieve anything. Well, almost anything.
Anyway, thank you for your comment. I always appreciate your time, my friend
And thanks for saying good things about my descriptions.
And I hope you'll find out soon about Marshtomp and whether it learn a new move.