Nice chapter, short and sweet. A nice way to have Max set off into the Hoenn Region. Its good that you put a short chapter in that explains more and isnt all action. PM list please
Like the subtle notice to Ash without actually mentioning his name.
Thought it was a great way to start the (real) beginning of Max's Pokemon journey!
Added author notes after the end of 3rd chapter
The 4th Chapter: The first step is always the hardest!
(Max and Treecko go through many fields, where many plants and berries grow. They see that Petalburg Woods are not far away, but Max goes to these plants)
Max: “Berries! It is good that we found them as we need more food.” (Looks at Treecko and Treecko nods) “I don’t want to be hungry again.”
Max(remembers): “Yes, that was a situation in the past…I and two my friends walked through the Petalburg woods and…”
Ash: “Well, I think that we can hunt Pokemon better on a full stomach anyway.”
Max: “Yes, and I was getting hungry.”
May: “I am so hungry that I can eat anything!”
(Then all of them smile and after a short pause they realize that they have nothing to eat)
All(shout): “You mean…We don’t have lunch??!!!”
Max(laughs): “Haha! That was funny/ Do you agree with me?”(looks at Treecko)
(By the way, they were standing near berry plants. Max carefully studied these berries)
Max(carefully watches at different berry plants): “Well, look at these berries!”
(He looked that there were many berries growing on the fields, but they were wild berries. He looked at bright red Berry plant. It smelled spicy and had a provocative flavor)
Max(exclaims): “Oh! It’s a Cherri berry! So spicy! They may be helpful”
(Then he saw pink berries)
Max: “Pecha berries! Treecko, try one!
Treecko(eats it): “Treecko!” (shows that they are very sweet and delicious)
Max: “And here are Oran berries”
(Walks to them and smells them)
Max: “It has a wondrous mix of flavors! Oh, something rustles here.”
(Wild Wurmple crawls on the plant)
Max: “A Wurmple!” (Then takes his Pokedex)
Pokedex: “Wurmple, the Worm Pokémon. Wurmple live primarily off of sap from trees. The suction cups on its feet keep it from slipping. It lives among the tall grass and in forests.”
Max(To Treecko): “Well, Treecko, let’s take some of these berries! ”
(Then he jumps on these plants/trees and takes some berries. Then they take these berries. About 3 berries of each kind. Then they take theirselves to Petalburg Woods. They go there and they come to a quiet place where there are no Pokemon)
Max(surprised): “I wonder where all Pokemon have gone?”
Treecko(surprised as well): “Ckooo?”
(Then they step through the bushes and see that one Pokemon lies on the field. Max is surprised and runs towards it.)
Max(looks at it): “Oh, it is very hurt!”(Touches it and sees that its face is pink)
Max(calms it): “I know what’s the problem. It is poisoned. ” (thinks): “Of course, I have something for you!”
(gives the Pokemon a Pecha berry. It eats it very slowly. Than it becomes stronger)
(Max checks his Pokedex)
Pokedex: “Taillow, the Tinyswallow Pokémon. Taillow has a fierce personality, never backing down, even against the most powerful opponents.”
Tailow(flies and says like “Thank you”): “Taillow!”(and flies away)
Max: “So, why was it poisoned?” (thinks about it) “Well, it might have been attacked by someone” (To Treecko) “Well, pal, let’s take a break.”
(They sit on the stump. Max takes his bag and searches for something.)
Max(finally finds what he looked for): “I found it! Treecko, take this!” (breaks off a piece of chocolate and gives it to Treecko)
(Treecko wants to bite, but suddenly they hear loud rustling in bushes. The pink sharped stings head into them and explode)
Max: “What is that?”
(The Pokemon with purple bodies, yellow eyes, with black dots and green wings, covered with red circles appear)
(Max checks Dex)
Pokedex: “Dustox, the Toxic Moth Pokémon. When Dustox is flapping its wings, it will scatter a poison dust.”
Dustox(to Treecko): “Dustox!”
Dustox: “Tox!”(its eyes glow in different colours and beam is headed into Treecko)
Max(shouts): “Dodge that and Pound!”
(Treecko dodges and nails Pound)
Dustox(takes a hit): “Du-uustox…Dustox!”(and uses Poison Sting)
(Treecko dodges again)
Max: “Treecko! Climb on the tree!”
Max(confidently): “Use trees to take the speed up and use Pound with a spin!”
(Treecko does it and hits it very hard, so the Pokemon is knocked out)
Max: “Good job Treecko!”
(Then two more Dustox fly to help its mate and use Poison Sting)
Max: “Treecko, use Bullet Seed!” (*)
(These attacks collide, they seem to be equal, but two attack are stronger and Treecko is damaged by a Poison Sting)
Treecko(hurt): “Cko…” (falls on the ground and shakes)
(Then Dustox, which was hurt flies up and they begin to use Psybeam)
Max: “No! (Protects Treecko)
???: “Heracross, Horn Attack!”
???: “Ariados, Spider Web!”
(Heracross smashes first Dustox with its horn, then Ariados immobilize the 2nd Dustox, but the 3rd Dustox unleashes the attack on Treecko, but suddenly…)
Taillow: “Taillow!” (uses Quick Attack, takes the hit and hits Dustox. All three Dustox escape and fly away)
Max(breathes calmly): “Whew! Thanks Taillow and you, guys…”
???(both): “No Problem!
Forrest: “Hi, I am Forrest!”
Forrester: “And I am Forrester!”
Max: “Hi! I am Max! Guys, you look the same to me!”
(Forrest has blue T-Shirt and Forrester orange)
Max(thinks, doesn’t say anything): “I have a feeling I met these guys before…”
Forrest: “Well, your Treecko was attacked by the Dustox! Treecko, don’t move.” (Sprays a Potion on it)
(Treecko doesn’t like it, but it is healthy again)
Forrest(continues): “These Dustox do a lot of harm recently. They fight for food and try to steal it.”
Max(to Taillow): “So, you were attacked by them?”
Max: “We should stop that!”
Forrester: “But how?”
Max(his glasses shine): “I have an idea!”
They both: “What is it?”
Max: “Do you know, where they live?”
Forrest: “Yes, but we are not sure… Ok, let’s go then…”
(They head to the river, than climbed over the mountain and saw a big tree and see a lot of Dustox)
Dustox: “Dustox!” (warn the intruders)
Max: “Oh, yeah! Why you steal food from other Pokemon?”
(Dustox started attacking)
Max: “Oh yeah! We’ll fight too!”
(The battle between Treecko and Dustox starts, but is interrupted when a flock of Taillow come and fight these Dustox. The battle is fierce and Max runs in the middle of that)
Max(shouts): “Stop that!”
(For some reason they stop fighting and listen to Max)
Max(goes on): “What’s the point of battling! There is a lot of food for anyone here! Dustox, why are you fighting?”
(Dustox fly to the tree and calls for someone…a lot of Wurmples swing out)
Forrester: “So! That’s the reason! So, you shouldn’t be frightened, nobody will hurt your babies, right Taillow?”
Taillow(all agree): “Low!”
(Dustox and Wurmple smile)
Forrest(to Dustox): “So, are your bad actions over?”
(Suddenly the Tree is attacked by the helicopter. Dustox and Taillow don’t like that and they want to attack this flying machine and suddenly are caught in a big net)
???: “Haha! I knew we catch them in that way!”
Max, Forrest, Forrester: “How dare you?! You can’t steal these Pokemon!”
???: “Why can’t? It is our speciality!”
???: Prepare for trouble...
???: ...and make it double!
???: To infect the world with devastation!
???: To blight all people in every nation!
???: To denounce the goodness of truth and love!
???: To extend our wrath to the stars above!
Butch: And Butch, of course!
Cassidy: We're Team Rocket, circling Earth all day and all night!
Butch: Surrender to us now or you will surely lose the fight!
(The chapter ends while Max, Forrest and Forrester are worried and don’t know what to do and Cassidy and Butch look cunningly and smile)
The end of the 4th chapter.
(*) - Bullet Seed was the 3rd move(and last) Treecko known but he didn't use it before
Last edited by RealRaymon; 2nd August 2012 at 11:35 PM.
Good chapter and the best part was the ending.
Welcome back Charizard! I've missed you so much! <3
By the way, who doesn't remember Forrest and Forrester:
Here is the new chapter!) Enjoy it!
The 5th Chapter: A road to success!
Max: “Oh no! It’s Cassidy”
Forrest: “And Bike!”
Butch(angry): “My name is Butch, not bike, don’t you listen to the motto?!”
Cassidy: “Whatever? Let’s head to the boss”
Forrest: “No way!” (To Heracross) “Break this net Heracross!”
(Heracross flies to the Helicopter)
Cassidy(laughs): “Not gonna happen! Go, Murkrow!”
Cassidy(orders): “Use Aerial Ace!”
(Murkrow lands Aerial Ace and Heracross lands on earth, shaking to get up)
Forrest: “Oh, no!”
Cassidy: “Great job, Murkrow!”
(Murkrow sits while they try to escape)
Taillow: “Taillow!” (And flies to help its friends to get free)
Murkrow: “Murkrow!” (Uses Aerial Ace again)
Taillow(very confident): “Taillow” (its body glows white and it heads into Murkrow)
Max: “It’s an Aerial Ace! Awesome! This Taillow must be there leader as it knows this move already!”
(The two attacks collide and nobody wins, then the two birds strike again but with the same result)
Cassidy: “Why are you sitting? Help me, Beef!”
Butch: “The name’s Butch! …Ok, go!”
(Magnemite comes out of the Pokeball)
(Magnemite generates a ligtning bolt that strikes Taillow and Taillow heads into the ground. Max runs and saves it)
Taillow(opens eyes): “L-low?” (and flies up again)
Cassidy: “There’s no way you can stop us!”
Max: “Well, I have an idea…” (To Treecko): “Sit on Taillow!”
Treecko: “Ckoo!” (Sits on it and they fly away)
Forrest and Forrester: “We’ll help you with that!”
Forrest: “Heracross, help them!”
Forrester: “Yanma, go! Help them!”
(They head into the helicopter)
Cassidy: “Not so fast, Murkrow, Aerial Ace!”
Forrester: “Oh yeah? Yanma, use Screech!”
(A huge and loud soundwaves hit Cassidy and Butch as well and their Pokemon)
Butch(holds his ears): “My ears!”
Cassidy: “Mine too! This is awful!”
Max: “This is our time, Taillow! Break the net!”
Taillow: “Taillow!” (flies into it and its wings glow metallic grey)
Max(happily): “I know this Attack! Use Steel Wing, Taillow!”
Taillow: “Low!”(Flies at amazing speed and breaks the net. Dustox and Taillow are free again)
Cassidy and Butch(angry and frightened): “Well, we can’t lose!”
Cassidy: “Use Dark Pulse”
Max: “Bullet Seed Treecko!”
Forrester(to Yanma): “Sonicboom!”
Forrest(to Heracross): “Hyper Beam!”
(Dustox use Signal Beam and Taillow use gust and make the attacks even faster and more powerful as they overpower Thunderbolt and Dark Pulse and send the Thieves soaring)
Cassidy: “Oh no! We lost again Budd…”
Butch: “I’ll change my name but now, we…”
Both: “blasting off again!”(they fly as the white star appeared as they flyy away)
Max, Forrest, Forrester: “Allright!”
(Dustox and Taillow are happy. Then they take off to the scene where is the sunset and The Taillow live happily with the Dustox)
Max: “It’s getting dark now, let’s find a place for a sleep!”
(They find a place, it is dark and they are sitting around a bonfire and are drinking a hot chocolate)
Forrest: “Well, Max. Where are you from?”
Max: “From Petalburg City. And you guys?”
Forrest: “From near Rustboro City.”
Max(to both): “I have a feeling I met you before. Can’t remember when.”
They: “Hmmm…It is interesting, but we don’t remember you either..”
Max(thinks): “No…I remember you. Oh yeah!” (remembers)
(Forrest and Forrester surprised and look at Max)
Max: “Someone helped my sister to catch a Wurmple and the other of you battled against Pikachu and Treecko”
(Forrest and Forrester think and suddenly remember that day)
Forrest: “Yeah! I remember it.”
Forrester: “Me too! That battle was so intensive I can’t forget it!”
Forrest: “And you must have been the little brother of her?”
Max(nods): “I am.” (smiles)
Forrest: “So, what a reunion!”
Forrester: “Max, what do you want to do now?”
Max: “I want to become a great Pokemon Trainer, earn badges and enter the Hoenn League.”
Forrest: “Great! I wanted to travel and see the beautiful places of the Hoenn region, but actually returned because I felt alone…”
Forrester: “And I just want to protect these Woods and which are nearby as a ranger does.”
Max: “You are a ranger?”
Max: “That’s cool!”
Forrester: “So Max, where are you heading next?”
Max: “Well, I want to sail to the Sootopolis City”
Forrest: ‘So cool! Max, can I ask you a favor?”
Forrest: “Can I travel with you? I hope we’ll have fun together and I’ll finally see a lot of places like I wanted!”
Max(agrees): “Sure! I think it will be fun as well! And you, Forrester?”
Forrester: “Well, I can’t. I want to protect the woods.”
Max: “Oh, ok!”
(Then they talk about different stuff and then fall asleep and wake up and head out of Petalburg woods. Forrester is standing to see off the other two, while they are suddenly surprised as a flock of Taillow comes to see them)
Max: “Taillow? What are they doing here?”
(Then one Taillow flies to Max and says something)
Forrester: “I guess it is saying it wants to go with you.”
Max(asks): “Is it so, Taillow?”
Max(smiles): “That’s great! Go, Pokeball!”
(Pokeball hits Taillow, falls on the Max’s hand and shows that Taillow is caught)
Max(shouts): “All right! I caught a Taillow!”
(Three boys smile and they see off each other)
Forrest: “Goodbye, brother! Take care!”
Forrester: “You too! And good luck, Max!”
Max: “Thanks, you too!”
(And Max and his new friend head off to a Rustboro City, where Max can meet his friend and sail to the Sootopolis City)
The end of the 5th Chapter.
4th chapter: I literally LOL'ed when you put the hungry thingie in, loved the ending!
5th chapter: liked that Max didn't actually recognize them till now, and wow, Sootopolis? Your setting your own order of gyms!
PS srry I didn't rate the previous chapter, we're travelling, so no internet.
It's quite good. The characterisation works fairly well, and the events do seem like episodes of the anime. It's also good that you're keeping in with continuity. However, make sure not to stick too close to the anime formula of 'group meets new character who has problem - they try to solve problem - Team Rocket attacks and blasts off' as that will get dull. Not that you can't do that, but try to spice it up a bit. I'd also recommend adding more action in the form of stage directions and description (like after the attacks are called out, you could describe how the Pokemon use the move or dodge it) so the story feels more engaging. Finally, the story could do with more interactions between the characters to add both conflict/drama and humour. It feels kind of aimless right now, because of the lack of interactions and description (I know it's a script, but it needs more stage direction). It's not bad though, so good luck!
Who cares about cookies? Come to the Light Side, we have CUPCAKES!
Animal Crossing: New Leaf Dream Code: 7100-3458-5872
Nice, pretty well done.
Shinys i caught:
Online battleing record: 72W/11L
Have a nice day!!!!!!!!!!
Great chapter! It was nice that Max got a new travelling partner and that he caught a Taillow!
Welcome back Charizard! I've missed you so much! <3
Please answer some of my questions(remarks):
1)I didn't want to use Team Rocket commonly, I used them just so Max could save and catch Tailow
2)Can you write more about stage directions and description?
I use stages directions and description in those things (....), but I can't use it too common, because I feel my fic can become boring and difficult to read and it doesn't do well in scripts fics. So, I make my fic easier to read nd to follow
3)I made a lot of interactions, didn't I?
Thanks like always, Vaino)
Last edited by RealRaymon; 4th August 2012 at 12:05 AM.
In answer to your VM, no thanks, I don't want to be on the PM list. It's not that I'm uninterested in your fanfic, but I'll most likely see if you've updated anyway, so I don't need to have a PM.
1. To be honest, while this does mean that the story isn't going to be as formulaic as the anime, it has another problem. If Team Rocket ONLY appear so Max can catch Taillow, why have them appear at all? Team Rocket is like the Pokemon mafia after all - there has to be a pretty good reason for them to pop up, and it's in their nature to be recurring characters anyway. I didn't mean that you shouldn't have Team Rocket reappear ar all - just to do so sparingly. In fact, they might have to now, as Cassidy and
butcherButch are the type of characters to have a bigger plan going on. Otherwise, they could be replaced by random poachers and the story would be the same.
2. Looking back, you do seem to have a decent amount of stage directions. The problem is the quality of them. Stage directions should be used before text to show a character reacting (you have already done this well) or in the middle of text to show action. You need to improve on the latter - go into depth. How does Treecko move? What does an attack look like (not just the reaction to the attack)? Etc. More detail is the description - showing what things look like, and also how the characters are thinking and feeling e.g. Does Treecko move excitedly, impatiently or tiredly? This can show a lot about the character. You also need a brief description when describing a new area e.g. When entering a forest, you can say that the towering trees blocked out the sunlight, that there is a carpet of leaves on the ground, and there is silence apart from the cries of bird Pokemon.
3. You have interactions, yes, but you need to inject some personality into them. What I'd do is think about the character's base traits, and then think of what they might say following the traits - a shy person wouldn't agree to a challenge very easily, and the mean rival wouldn't want to say good job to his opponents, for example. Right now, many of the characters feel kind of samey and bland - there isn't much personality wise that makes them different.
Who cares about cookies? Come to the Light Side, we have CUPCAKES!
Animal Crossing: New Leaf Dream Code: 7100-3458-5872
4th Chapter: I liked how Cassidy and Butch make a return! The ending was great ending in a cliffhanger.
5th Chapter: I likle how Forrester wants to stay and protect the forest while Forest goes of with Max, the ending made me want more! Which is needed sometimes. Great two chapters!
Hi everyone! Gonna update new chapter soon!
But news: the 6th chapter will be called "The Master Quiz!"
Amd it will be the 1st chapter, where will be images of(I won't say it)
And they would be very useful))not for me, but for you)
So, good luck and I hope you'll check out my new chapter!
Last edited by RealRaymon; 6th August 2012 at 6:02 PM.