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Thread: Max's New Adventures

  1. #526

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    right then, back after illness and stright away i come here! So here is the review for chapter 29 (30 may have to wait for now sorry)

    A nice filler that paves the way for Ralts returning and i liked the addition of details about Archie turning good. I like the way Archie taks about Team Rocket, a bit of foreshadowing maybe? The detail of the buildings and the submarine was good.

    Time for the grammar and stuff:
    Benjamin: "We arrived at Slateport, Max! What do you want to do here?"
    It should be 'We have arrived'
    Max (shakes hand): "Yes. Thank you for your help, Benjamin."
    should probably be 'shakes his hand' it just sits nicer on the tounge
    (Max enters the Shipyard. Hesees that Archie and Mr. Briney are talking about something.)
    just a typing error i would think you wrote hesees, it should be two words he sees
    Max: "Archie, have you repaired your submarine?"

    Archie: "I did. It is ready to go!"
    while the grammar here isn't officialy wrong, Max asks in one tense and Archie replies in a different tense. It is a lot nicer to read when a question and answer are both in the same tense.
    Mr. Briney: "I'll be happy to, but Captain Stern gave me an important task to do."
    given the fact that Mr.Briney is saying he can't go with Max, it should be 'I would be happy to' instead of I'll
    (Team Aqua grunts and Shipyard workers launch the massive grey submarine with a blue team Aqua emblem
    Team Aqua at the end, instead of team Aqua because 'team' is part of the name
    Mr. Briney: "Sure thing!" (Explains Max how to climb the submarine)
    'Explains to Max' you need to add the extra word
    Max: (looks at swarm of Remoraid and Clamperl) "Wow! It is so beautiful!" (Takes his Pokedex.)
    'looks at a swarm' just a slight alteration here. Also, you could probably say Wow, it's so beautiful! this is now one sentance and it is has been made into it's - this just makes it sound better.
    Archie (without looking on Max):
    'looking at Max' not 'looking on Max'
    (After painful thirty minutes, the torrents return to normal.)
    'After a painful thirty minutes'

    That's all could find, there may be more but i'm not fully focused tbh as i'm still slightly ill.
    I hope you had a merry christmas and i wish you a happy new year. i'll write more soon

    infernape100 - I always like to read your reviews. Thank you for your time
    Thanks Raymon! You know, i give time to this fic because it deserves it!
    So without further ado, let's see what's in the next chapter:
    Firstly, Good idea with the italics for the flashbacks. The flashbacks were a great little touch to make the episode really heart-warming. I'd been looking forward to Max returning to find Ralts since the very start (or at least when i first started reading the fic) and it didn't disapoint.
    You gave me a huge fright when Ralts wasn't there but i'm so happy that it is okay and a new member of Max's team.
    Dawn and Pipup eh? i'm excited to see how you develop this
    I must say this made me panic, though:
    they see a light in the end of the tunnel
    you may or may not know this, but in English this phrase is used when someone dies and they see heaven or whatever. So for a moment i thought Max was dead or something!

    right then, as per usual its grammar time:
    (They watch and see a lot of buildings up there. Archie points at a harbor. He moors the submarine.)
    'A lot of buildings up there' is a bit vague. Try something more like They look up at the great Sootopolis City, with many white buildings towering above them. This sits nicely on the tongue and sounds rather more impressive as well.
    Archie: "Here we are. Max, I need to go now, but I wish you find your friend. The best of luck to you, Max!"
    i would replace 'wish' with hope here. It is just more natural.
    Max (nods): "I also wish you the best of luck."
    I wish you the best of luck, too. is more natural.
    Max is very eager to find his friend and he is smiling without a stop.
    'smiling without a stop' doesn't sound right to a native speaker. he has a beaming smile gets your point across nicely an sound good, as well
    Max: "Can I see it?" (Runs to Ralts without a permission.)
    you need to get rid of the 'a' before permission
    Those were the only faults i could find. You've improved a lot in your writing since i first read this story. Your imagery and grammar is great. The biggest issues with your work is just making it sound natural and i understand how hard that is for someone for whom English is not the mother tongue. I don't doubt that, in time you will be writing like a native speaker
    Last edited by Psychic; 7th January 2013 at 10:36 AM. Reason: merged double-post
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  2. #527
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    Quote Originally Posted by Charizard-Fan View Post
    I'm sorry for commenting your two new chapters so late.

    Your second latest chapter was okay, even though it lacked any real action. Still, it was a nice set-up for your latest chapter. However, I think Archie's explanation for Team Aqua becoming a good team was too short and cursory. It just felt so basic explanation which lacked deepness. I think you should've made a longer explanion where Archie would've in detail explained that why Team Aqua is a good team. Aside for that, however, this was a fine chapter.

    Now I tell you my opinion about your new chapter. I have to admit that it was one of your best chapters, and it was good to see Max finally finding Ralts. And the way it happened was also very good. This chapter was both sad and happy, and also a bit surprising. And of course I liked the ending because it showed that Dawn has returned. So this was a very good chapter, and a great way to end a year 2012 from your fic's point of view.
    It's okBetter late than never!

    I agree. It was short and lacked deepness, but Archie listened to Max at that moment, so I guess it would have been selfish for Archie to interrupt Max. And thanks)

    Thank you! I think it is one of my best as well! I glad you liked it, and found it sad, happy, and surprising =)
    Thanks a lot, I am glad I have a friend lke you, who can support me everytime
    Quote Originally Posted by infernape100 View Post
    right then, back after illness and stright away i come here! So here is the review for chapter 29 (30 may have to wait for now sorry)

    A nice filler that paves the way for Ralts returning and i liked the addition of details about Archie turning good. I like the way Archie taks about Team Rocket, a bit of foreshadowing maybe? The detail of the buildings and the submarine was good.

    Time for the grammar and stuff
    That's all could find, there may be more but i'm not fully focused tbh as i'm still slightly ill.
    I hope you had a merry christmas and i wish you a happy new year. i'll write more soon
    First of all, I wish you good health!

    Maybe

    About the grammar and staff, I will edit my chapters as soon as I come back home (I am now in London)
    Thank you for your comment)
    Quote Originally Posted by infernape100 View Post
    Thanks Raymon! You know, i give time to this fic because it deserves it!
    So without further ado, let's see what's in the next chapter:
    Firstly, Good idea with the italics for the flashbacks. The flashbacks were a great little touch to make the episode really heart-warming. I'd been looking forward to Max returning to find Ralts since the very start (or at least when i first started reading the fic) and it didn't disapoint.
    You gave me a huge fright when Ralts wasn't there but i'm so happy that it is okay and a new member of Max's team.
    Dawn and Pipup eh? i'm excited to see how you develop this
    I must say this made me panic, though: you may or may not know this, but in English this phrase is used when someone dies and they see heaven or whatever. So for a moment i thought Max was dead or something!

    right then, as per usual its grammar time:
    Those were the only faults i could find. You've improved a lot in your writing since i first read this story. Your imagery and grammar is great. The biggest issues with your work is just making it sound natural and i understand how hard that is for someone for whom English is not the mother tongue. I don't doubt that, in time you will be writing like a native speaker
    Thanks a lot!)
    I am happy you liked the idea. I did that to prevent rambling and not to make my Chapter confusing. My goal was to make it heart-warming, and I am glad I did it (at least for you).
    I was aiming to make you to think that something happened with Ralts. Kirlia and Gardevoir tried to see whether or not Max still has a great to desire to return his friend back. Yes, it is Dawn and Piplup You'll see what I'll do with them
    Sorry, I didn't know about this phrase...In Russian, this phrase means like "to finally find the solution to the problem / the way out."
    About grammar, I'll edit it like I've said.
    Thanks, and I really tried to improve! Thanks, I really try to write about all the things I imagine, and I really try to describe them well. Yeah, you are right, English is not my mother tongue, even though I can speak English without hesitation, making it sound natural for native speaker is a bit difficult, because I don't know the way the native spekers speak.
    Thanks, I will try!
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 4th January 2013 at 10:33 PM.

  3. #528
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    Guys, please do not double-post. If you want to talk about multiple chapters, do so in the same post. That's what the Edit button is for. :/

    ~Psychic
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  4. #529

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    Quote Originally Posted by Psychic View Post
    Guys, please do not double-post. If you want to talk about multiple chapters, do so in the same post. That's what the Edit button is for. :/

    ~Psychic
    i guess this is aimed at me, sorry i felt it necassary to seperate them, but now i know i was wrong and shall not do so again.

    @RealRaymon
    no need to worry about not knowing the phrase and thanks for wishing me good health, i am all better now!
    As for dawn and piplup i hope we can see them in a contest and maybe max will try it out as well i can't wait whatever you do with it
    Everything seems normal, with Joe and Adam venturing on their quest through Kanto, but what is the mysterious Team Storm planning?

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    Come on the Mighty Infernape!

  5. #530
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    Raymon, if you are still considering a fire type for Max, how about Fennekin? I'd like to see someone integrate one of the new Pokemon into a fic! If I'm not mistaken, Max does not currently have any female Pokemon, so this female fire fox could sure do the trick and would likely be fun for you to write with! Just thought I'd share!

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    If I may...

    Quote Originally Posted by OshaMijuWott View Post
    Raymon, if you are still considering a fire type for Max, how about Fennekin? I'd like to see someone integrate one of the new Pokemon into a fic! If I'm not mistaken, Max does not currently have any female Pokemon, so this female fire fox could sure do the trick and would likely be fun for you to write with! Just thought I'd share!
    This is usually not a good idea. It can be seen as gimmicky, and if you're a fanfiction writer, you need to have information about a Pokémon in order to use it for fairly obvious reasons (read: trying to write about it in battles but not knowing what it can do). Currently, we've got nothing on Fennekin, and we won't for some time.

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  7. #532

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    Plus he was looking for Hoenn Pokemon. It makes no sense for a 6th gen region Pokemon to be in Hoenn unless you have a good reason.
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  8. #533
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    Quote Originally Posted by OshaMijuWott View Post
    Raymon, if you are still considering a fire type for Max, how about Fennekin? I'd like to see someone integrate one of the new Pokemon into a fic! If I'm not mistaken, Max does not currently have any female Pokemon, so this female fire fox could sure do the trick and would likely be fun for you to write with! Just thought I'd share!
    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    Plus he was looking for Hoenn Pokemon. It makes no sense for a 6th gen region Pokemon to be in Hoenn unless you have a good reason.
    Quote Originally Posted by JX Valentine View Post
    This is usually not a good idea. It can be seen as gimmicky, and if you're a fanfiction writer, you need to have information about a Pokémon in order to use it for fairly obvious reasons (read: trying to write about it in battles but not knowing what it can do). Currently, we've got nothing on Fennekin, and we won't for some time.
    This.
    I usually prefer to write about regional Pokemon, that is why 4 of 5 Max's Pokemon are Hoenn region Pokemon.
    And, to be honest, 6th gen is overhyped already. I dislike grass Oshawott in a Slowking's costume, Vulpix №2, and Politoed/Seismitoad. Squirtle/Bulbasaur/Charmander, Mudkip/Treecko/Torchic and Turtwig/Piplup/Chimchar were much MUCH better.
    That's all for now Don't know when the next Chapter will come. though.
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 11th January 2013 at 10:10 AM.

  9. #534
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    I very much like your bug battles man haha. You write rather well also
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  10. #535
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    Hi, everyone! I start a new part of the fiction, which will be:
    Max's New Adventures: Old gang, new adventures!
    I want to say that Chapters now will be much longer than they were(nearly twice as big), so that's why I decided to add a new feature: the Chapter preview.
    It will be about a page A4 MS word, and you can comment on it and discuss what, in your opinion, will happen in the chapter
    Hope you'll enjoy it!

    The preview of the 30th Chapter:

    Max: "Ralts, let's start our journey together!

    Ralts (nods): "Ralts."

    (Suddenly Max hears a voice from behind.)

    ???: "How touching! You two look so great!"

    Max(turns around): "Thanks! I am glad we are together again!" (Looks at Ralts) "Right?"

    Ralts (agrees): "Ralts!"

    ??? (looks at Ralts carefully): "So, this is Ralts..." (Takes red-coloured Pokedex with a large screen out of her yellow bag.)

    Pokedex: "Ralts, the Feeling Pokémon. Ralts can use the horns on its head to read human emotions. Ralts rarely shows itself to humans, but may occasionally approach when it senses positive or happy feelings."

    ???: "Rarely shows itself to humans? That's why I've never seen one!"

    Piplup (with a surprised voice): "Piplup!"

    Max (comes closer to the girl): "Yeah, it is a very rare Pokemon. By the way, my name is Max." (Stands in a very noble pose)

    ??? (with a happy voice): "Nice to meet you! My name is Dawn, and I am planning to become a top Coordinator!"

    (Piplup stands in a noble pose after these words.)

    Max: "So, you are planning to be a Top Coordinator?" (continues) "Just like my sister, you know."

    Dawn (becomes angry): "What was that?!"

    Ralts (scared): "Ra-a-alts!"

    Max (is a bit frightened too): "I meant that my sister is an awesome coordinator as well!"

    Dawn (with a happy voice): "Oh really? Thank you!"

    Max (with a sigh): "That's better."

    Dawn: "And what are you doing here?"

    Max: "I tried to find Ralts."

    Dawn: "What happened to it?"

    Max: "Well..." (Starts remembering the situation) "When I was on my journey with friends two years ago, I felt that someone was in a trouble. I ran to look what was going on, and I saw this Ralts. It was suffering. We tried to get it to the Pokemon Center as soon as possible, but we were stopped by Team Rocket."

    Dawn: "Team Rocket? I hate these guys. There was so much trouble because of them."
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 20th January 2013 at 5:03 PM.

  11. #536
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    I like this idea

    Quote Originally Posted by RealRaymon View Post
    ???: "Rarely shows itself to humans? That's why I've never saw one!"
    Here it's "That's why I've never seen one!"

    Piplup (with surprised voice): "Piplup!"
    You should add an "a". Like, "With a surprised voice"

    ??? (with a happy voice): "Nice to meet you! Mu name is Dawn, and I am planning to be the top Coordinator!"
    My* xD And I'm not sure if it should be "The top coordinator", I think it should be "A top coordinator". If you use "the", it makes it seem like there is only one top coordinator, you know what I mean?


    Max: "So, you are planning to be a Top Coordinator?" (continues) "Just like my sister, you know."
    Like you wrote now, a Top Coordinator

    Anyways, I liked the preview xD I hope you keep this idea up, as it was pretty cool and now it makes me look forward to the next chapter even more xD

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    Quote Originally Posted by OshaMijuWott View Post
    Raymon, if you are still considering a fire type for Max, how about Fennekin? I'd like to see someone integrate one of the new Pokemon into a fic! If I'm not mistaken, Max does not currently have any female Pokemon, so this female fire fox could sure do the trick and would likely be fun for you to write with! Just thought I'd share!
    No. That is very bad. .___. We don't know much of Fennekin but the type and Moves(Flamethrower and... Psywave...?) So making up your own idea of a "unidentified" Pokemon is unlogical.

    OK. Even if this is a preview, there are some grammatical errors I noticed:

    Quote Originally Posted by RealRaymon View Post
    Max: "I was trying to find Ralts."
    Write: "I tried to find Ralts."

    Quote Originally Posted by RealRaymon View Post
    Dawn (happily): "Oh really? Thank you!"
    Happily? You meant "feeling happy"?

    Quote Originally Posted by RealRaymon View Post
    ???: "How touching! You two look so great!"

    Max: "Thanks! I am glad we are together again!" (Looks at Ralts) "Right?"
    If she is behind him and he talks, who is he talking to? Include a scene where he turns around, since you're lacking actions.
    Last edited by Quilava42; 20th January 2013 at 4:41 PM.


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  13. #538
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    Corrected the mistakes
    But since it was a draft, I decided not to proof read that, LOL)

  14. #539
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    Hi raymon, i am extremely glad to read your fic again =D. And on the subject of fenekkin's inclusion, we don't have any information on it regarding moves, pokedex entries, evolutions but even though it seems like it would fit the bill, we would be relying on false information which would corrupt the fic. Nice to see dawn's introduction and looking forward to the prolonged chapters. =D
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  15. #540
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    It's great that you are increasing the length of chapters which would give more action.But I'm kinda surprised that Max doesn't know who Dawn is as this fic takes place after Sinnoh and since May had already participated in Wallace Cup,I expected her to tell Max about her.

    Anyways,I am not a big fan of Fennekin and I think you should not use it for the fic because we know nothing about it.
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  16. #541
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    Quote Originally Posted by amittal12 View Post
    It's great that you are increasing the length of chapters which would give more action.But I'm kinda surprised that Max doesn't know who Dawn is as this fic takes place after Sinnoh and since May had already participated in Wallace Cup,I expected her to tell Max about her.

    Anyways,I am not a big fan of Fennekin and I think you should not use it for the fic because we know nothing about it.
    I forgot about that...But nevermind.

    Don't worry, like I said before,
    And, to be honest, 6th gen is overhyped already. I dislike grass Oshawott in a Slowking's costume, Vulpix №2, and Politoed/Seismitoad. Squirtle/Bulbasaur/Charmander, Mudkip/Treecko/Torchic and Turtwig/Piplup/Chimchar were much MUCH better.

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    Hi, everyone! A brand new long Chapter! And I hope you'll enjoy it! Please let me know what you think of it by commenting on it
    Well, here it is!

    The 31st Chapter: The reunion!

    (Max and Ralts are hugging each other. Kirlia and Gardevoir are happy to see that. A girl stands near the Pokemon Center with her Pokemon.)

    Max (looks at Ralts's eyes): "I was missing you so much!"

    Ralts (looks at Max's eyes and answers with joy): "Ralts!"

    (Max stands up. Ralts climbs on his shoulder. Max looks at Kirlia and Gardevoir.)

    Max : "Thank you, Kirlia and Gardevoir!"

    Ralts (nods): "Ralts!"

    Kirlia (happily): "Kirlia!"

    Gardevoir (nods): "Voir."

    (Kirlia and Gardevoir look at each other, and then they glow light blue and disappear.)

    Max (surprised): "Hey!"

    (Ralts becomes sad, but then it looks at Max, and becomes happy again.)

    Max: "Ralts, let's start our journey together!

    Ralts (nods): "Ralts."

    (Suddenly Max hears a voice from behind.)

    ???: "How touching! You two look so great!"

    Max (turns around): "Thanks! I am glad we are together again!" (Looks at Ralts) "Right?"

    Ralts (agrees): "Ralts!"

    ??? (looks at Ralts carefully): "So, this is Ralts..." (Takes a red-coloured Pokedex with a large screen out of her yellow bag.)

    Pokedex: "Ralts, the Feeling Pokémon. Ralts can use the horns on its head to read human emotions. Ralts rarely shows itself to humans, but may occasionally approach when it senses positive or happy feelings."

    ???: "Rarely shows itself to humans? That's why I've never seen one!"

    Piplup (with a surprised voice): "Piplup!"

    Max (comes closer to the girl): "Yeah, it is a very rare Pokemon. By the way, my name is Max." (Stands in a very noble pose)

    ??? (with a happy voice): "Nice to meet you! My name is Dawn, and I am planning to become a top Coordinator!"

    (Piplup stands in a noble pose after these words.)

    Max: "So, you are planning to be a Top Coordinator?" (continues) "Just like my sister, you know."

    Dawn (becomes angry): "What was that?!"

    Ralts(scared): "Ra-a-alts!"

    Max (is a bit frightened too): "I meant that my sister is an awesome coordinator as well!"

    Dawn (with a happy voice): "Oh really? Thank you!"

    Max (with a sigh): "That's better."

    Dawn: "And what are you doing here?"

    Max: "I tried to find Ralts."

    Dawn: "What happened to it?"

    Max: "Well..." (Starts remembering the situation) "When I was on my journey with friends two years ago, I felt that someone was in trouble. I ran to look what was going on, and I saw this Ralts. It was suffering. We tried to get it to the Pokemon Center as soon as possible, but we were stopped by Team Rocket."

    Dawn: "Team Rocket? I hate those guys. There was so much trouble because of them."

    Max: "Team Rocket tried to stop us, but I managed to get to the Pokemon Center, because of Kirlia and Gardevoir…”

    Dawn (listens to Max with interest and then asks again): “Kirlia and Gardevoir?’

    Max: “Yes, Ralts family I guess. They stopped team Rocket and let me to take my friend to the Pokemon Center. Ralts started feeling much better, and we became close friends. Ralts wanted to go with me, but I was not old enough to become a trainer." (Looks down with a sad face, but then smiles, and looks at Ralts) "But now we are together!"

    Ralts (smiles): "Ralts!"

    Dawn: "Great story! I am happy that you are together again!"

    Max: "Thanks!"

    Dawn: "No problem!"

    Piplup (nods): "Piplup."

    (Max stops smiling and remembers something.)

    Max (asks with a serious voice) "Wait, I think I've seen you somewhere..."

    Dawn (becomes surprised): "Really? Where have you seen me?"

    Max: "I don't remember. But don't worry, I'll remember."

    Dawn: "Okay."

    Max: "Dawn, how many ribbons do you have?"

    Dawn: "Look it by yourself." (Takes a pink case out of her bag, and opens it.)

    (Max sees two ribbons: the pink ribbon with yellow and white patterns in the top left corner; and the plain blue ribbon in the right corner.)

    Max: "Nice job, Dawn!"

    Dawn (closes her case and puts it back in her bag): "Thank you! And what about you? How many ribbons do you have?"

    Max (surprised): "Me? No, no, no. I am planning to participate in the Hoenn League."

    Dawn (sarcastically): "And do you have any badges?"

    Max (with angry voice): "Of course I do!" (Shows Dawn his badges.)

    Dawn (after looking at them): "You did a fine job as well!"

    Max: "Thank you!"

    Dawn: "By the way, are you planning to challenge this city's Gym?"

    Max: "Yes. But since tomorrow is a Water-Specialty tournament, I am going to participate in it first. And after that, you'll help me in a gym battle, right?" (Looks at Ralts, who sits on Max's shoulder)

    Ralts: "Ralts!"

    Dawn (to Max): "So, you are here also to take part in this tournament?"

    Max: "Also? You mean you are in it too?"

    Dawn (nods): "Right."

    Max (thinks): "But it is a first Specialty Tournament, not many people know about it yet." (Looks at Dawn) "So, which Pokemon are you planning to use?"

    Dawn: "Well, here is my partner." (Takes Piplup on her arms)

    Piplup (taps his belly): "Piplup."

    Dawn: "And what about you? Whom do you want to use?"

    Max (takes a Pokeball): "Go, Marshtomp!"

    Marshtomp (comes out and is in a very good mood): "Marsh!"

    Dawn: "Hi Marshtomp! How are you?"

    Marshtomp (smiles): "Marsh."

    (Dawn takes her Pokedex again.)

    Pokedex: " Marshtomp, the Mud Fish Pokémon. Marshtomp is the evolved form of Mudkip. It is able to move and swim more quickly through mud than through water. "

    Dawn: "It is a cool Pokemon!"

    Max: "Yeah, all my Pokemon are cool, you know."

    (Marshtomp looks at Max and notices Ralts. It becomes surprised.)

    Marshtomp: "Marsh?"

    Max: "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you about Ralts, right?"

    (Marshtomp stares at Max and listens carefully.)

    Max: "Well then..." (Takes his other Pokeballs) "Go, everybody!"

    (Pokemon appear near Marshtomp and they stand together.)

    Taillow: "Low."

    Grovyle: "Grovyle."

    Elekid: "Bwii-bwii!"

    Max: "Listen guys, here is our new friend, Ralts!"

    Ralts (gets of Max's shoulder and greets everyone): "Ralts!"

    Taillow (greets Ralts): "Taillow!"

    (Grovyle smiles as it remembers Max's words.)

    ________________________________

    Max: “Look, guys, as soon as we win our battles, we’ll go and meet our old friend…I really want you to win, and I hope we’ll work like one heart together!”

    Treecko (nods): "Treecko."

    Taillow: "Low."

    Max (smiles): “Great! So, good luck to us!”
    ________________________________

    Elekid (comes closer and extends its arm): "Bwii."

    Ralts (extends its arm as well): "Ralts."

    (They shake hands. But Elekid's arm starts sparkling. Ralts becomes a bit scared.)

    Max (shouts on Elekid): "Elekid!" (Then stops and talks with a calm voice) "Right, Static...Oh well."

    Elekid (scratches its head and apologizes): "Bwii."

    (Dawn just smiles and enjoys watching the process.)

    Marshtomp (looks at Ralts and raises its left arm): "Marsh!" (Then smiles.)

    (All the Pokemon look happy.)

    Dawn: "Max, have a chance to meet my Pokemon!" (Throws her Pokeballs.)

    (Pokemon appear, and Dawn stands with them in a graceful and beautiful way.)

    Max: "Wow! They all are amazing! And they look unfamiliar..." (Takes his Pokedex)

    Pokedex: " Buneary, the Rabbit Pokémon. When sensing danger, it extends both ears as an alert, and when cold, it curls up and goes to sleep."

    Max: "A very cute Pokemon!"

    Buneary (becomes embarrassed): "Buneary!"

    Max: "I've never seen this Pokemon before..."

    Pokedex: "Pachirisu, the EleSquirrel Pokémon. It gathers static electricity and hides fur balls along with its favorite fruit under the eaves of houses."

    Max: "Oh, Mamoswine!"

    Pokedex: "Mamoswine, the Twin Tusk Pokémon. Its impressive tusks are made of ice."

    Max (amazed): "Tusks made of Ice? Unbelievable!" (Looks at Togekiss) "It kind of reminds me of a Togetic..."

    Pokedex: "Togekiss, the Jubilee Pokémon and the evolved form of Togetic. It is said that Togekiss never appears where there is conflict."

    Max: "Yeah, I was right! Did it evolve all the way from a Togepi?"

    Dawn: "Well, I caught it as a Togekiss. Long story."

    Max: "Okay, then, return, guys!" (Returns his Pokemon)

    Dawn: "Return, everyone!" (Returns all Pokemon, except Piplup.)

    Max (looks at Ralts): "Ralts, it is time to catch you!"

    Ralts (nods): "Ralts."

    (Takes a Pokeball, and softly touches Ralts head with it. Ralts glows in red light and goes into Pokeball. The Pokeball starts moving, and stops moving shortly. Max takes the Pokeball and has a big smile on his face.)

    (Suddenly a man in a white cape and azure hair comes out of a Pokemon Center. Dawn sees him, and gets very excited.)

    Dawn: "Wallace! What is he doing here?"

    Max: "Wallace?" (Remembers something) "Exactly!"

    (Wallace sees Dawn. Dawn and Max come closer to him.)

    Dawn: "Wallace, it is nice to meet you here!"

    Max: "Hello, sir."

    Wallace: "Dawn, nice to meet you too." (Looks at Max) "Glad to meet you..." (Makes a pause on purpose, planning to hear Max's name)

    Max: "Oh, my name is Max!"

    (Wallace nods.)

    Dawn: "Wallace, are you here to watch the Specialty Tournament?"

    Wallace: "Certainly. And it is an honor for me to open a ceremony. I am very happy that the first Specialty Tournament is a Water-type. We'll see a lot of magnificent performances by every Pokemon."

    Dawn: "You are right."

    Wallace: "Well, please excuse me, I have to go."

    Max: "It's all right!"

    (Wallace leaves. Max stands with Dawn near the Pokemon Center.)

    Max: "So, it was you who had won he Wallace Cup in Sinnoh!"

    Dawn (with an embarrassed look): "Yes! It was me."

    Max (continues): "You have beaten my sister!"

    Dawn (with a surprised voice): "Your sister? Wait, what is her name?"

    Max: "You are kidding! Her name is May!"

    Dawn (stunned): "You are May's brother?!"

    Max: "Yes!"

    Dawn (smiles): "Well, I am glad to meet a brother of my good friend."

    Max (with a happy voice): "In this case, I am also glad to meet a friend of my sister!"

    ???: "B-w-a-a-hh!"

    Max: "What's that?"

    Dawn: "I think it was...from above?"

    Max: "Hey!" (Looks at the sky and sees an orange figure in the sky, that comes closer to them.)

    The end of the 31st Chapter.

    My comment on the Chapter.
    Well, it had funny interactions between Dawn and Max, especially when Dawn was sarcastic and when Max remembered thad Dawn defeated May.
    Also LOLd when Elekid accidentaly electrized Ralts, plus Wallace appearance was unexpected, it just popped out of my mind. Well, why not?
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 25th January 2013 at 8:31 PM.

  18. #543
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    Great chapter and at the end I think it is ash on charizard, or a flaming asteroid!
    Black 2/Heartgold/X Trainer Card-


    Name: Tyler Dure
    Status: In the Pokemon Center talking to Korrina about Lucario's rampage along with everyone else.
    Hometown: Virbank City, Unova, US
    Idols: Krisi Jackson, Lance, Wallace, Cynthia, Alder, Tucker Satoshi, Austin

    "You can't put a limit on anything. The more you dream, the farther you get." -MP

  19. #544
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    Great chapter, it's nice to see Dawn again. I loved the interactions with Dawn and Max, they seemed fun and entertaining, hopefully she'll be staying for a while XD. Also it's nice that Dawn found out that she knows Max's sister May and that they become fast friends. I'm guessing that the orange figure is Charizard too and that Ash is riding on it
    Quote Originally Posted by Canada View Post
    Biggest Fan of the Diamond and Pearl Series: Dawn+Serena Fan

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    Nice Chapter.I assume its Ash at the end on the back of Charizard.I think that the Pokedex entries were a little short in this episode but then again there were many entries so its OK i guess.Max and Dawn's interactions were good as well.
        Spoiler:- Completed and Current Playthroughs:

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    Quote Originally Posted by Pokemon,master View Post
    Great chapter and at the end I think it is ash on charizard, or a flaming asteroid!
    Thanks! It is definetly the asteroid, LOL
    Quote Originally Posted by DawnBoy View Post
    Great chapter, it's nice to see Dawn again. I loved the interactions with Dawn and Max, they seemed fun and entertaining, hopefully she'll be staying for a while XD. Also it's nice that Dawn found out that she knows Max's sister May and that they become fast friends. I'm guessing that the orange figure is Charizard too and that Ash is riding on it
    I told you about that yesterday, didn't I?
    No, the orange figure is definetly an asteroid, LOL
    Quote Originally Posted by amittal12 View Post
    Nice Chapter.I assume its Ash at the end on the back of Charizard.I think that the Pokedex entries were a little short in this episode but then again there were many entries so its OK i guess.Max and Dawn's interactions were good as well.
    The entries were not short. Actually, they were used in the series.
    Thanks for the comments, guys!

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    LOL, funny... Static, was nice to see, so I guess that's it's ability eh? Now I'm curious about the other Pokémon's abilities.

    That is def Ash with Czar there.


    PS, do you know what Pokémon Ralts'll evolve into? If it evolves of course.

  23. #548
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    Nice chapter! I liked all the interactions with Dawn, they were quite funny xD I wonder if any of Dawn's Pokemon will evolve (well Buneary, does she have Quilava here as well?).

    Quote Originally Posted by RealRaymon View Post
    ??? (looks at Ralts carefully): "So, this is Ralts..." (Takes red-coloured Pokedex with a large screen out of her yellow bag.)
    Sorry if I'm wrong, but doesn't Dawn have a pink pokedex? I'm not sure :P

    Max (surprised): "Me? No no no. I am planning t participate in the Hoenn League."
    You forgot to add an "o" after the "t" xD

    Piplup (taps his belly): "Piplup."
    Lol, it's funny because he actually does tap his belly in the anime a lot XD

    Wallace: "Certainly. And it is an honor for me to open a ceremony. I am very happy that first Specialty Tournament is a Water-type. We'll see a lot of magnificent performances by every Pokemon."
    You forgot to add "the" in "I am very happy that the first Specialty Tournament is a Water-Type".
    Dawn: "You are right."


    These are all the mistakes I found. Anyways, cool chapter, and is that Ash's charizard at the end? xD

    The chosen ones (for now)

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    Quote Originally Posted by dirkac View Post
    LOL, funny... Static, was nice to see, so I guess that's it's ability eh? Now I'm curious about the other Pokémon's abilities.

    That is def Ash with Czar there.

    PS, do you know what Pokémon Ralts'll evolve into? If it evolves of course.
    Well, Grovyle has Overgrow(as we know from the gym battle vs Wattson). As for the other Pokemon, let it be a secret

    Yeah, it is!

    PS, I know, but it won't be interesting for you if I tell you. But I know already the team that Max will use in the Hoenn League
    Quote Originally Posted by TheSirPeras View Post
    Nice chapter! I liked all the interactions with Dawn, they were quite funny xD I wonder if any of Dawn's Pokemon will evolve (well Buneary, does she have Quilava here as well?).

    Sorry if I'm wrong, but doesn't Dawn have a pink pokedex? I'm not sure :P

    You forgot to add an "o" after the "t" xD

    Lol, it's funny because he actually does tap his belly in the anime a lot XD

    You forgot to add "the" in "I am very happy that the first Specialty Tournament is a Water-Type".
    Dawn: "You are right."

    These are all the mistakes I found. Anyways, cool chapter, and is that Ash's charizard at the end? xD
    Glad you liked it. She has Quilava with her. I didn't do Pokedex entry with Quilava, because Max have seen it before.

    You are not wrong, you are right. Her Sinnoh Pokedex is pink. And she is in Hoenn. Hope you understood

    Corrected the mistakes.

    It is funny, and you know, since this fic is MUCH based on the series, I try to describe the things and the way people/pokemon behave as close as I can.

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    Good start for a new part of your fic.

    It was good to see Dawn again, and I liked her interactions with Max: they were both realistic and funny. And it's nice to know that tournament is gonna be a water type tournament. That means Marshtomp will get a lot of focus in it, and we'll see Piplup in action again. Also, I hope Ash uses good old Squirtle in tournament. And I hope we'll see others as well.

    And you're probably not surprised when I tell you now that the best part in chapter for me was the ending. It's great to see good old Charizard again. We'll see him in N saga and in next movie, and we'll see him also in your fic. 2013 is definitely a good year for Charizard fans.
    Welcome back Charizard! I've missed you so much! <3

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