Must admit, I was surprised when Cassidy and
ButchBiff showed up. :P Didn't expect that, but yays for surprises~ Good chapters so far. :3 (Again, I suck at criticism, so sorry ^^;.)
This is great! You're really good with this I love how Max just wants to skip every gym it could go to and meet Ralts ASAP!
Great job so far!!!
The coolest, cutest signature is coming soon...
Add me on the 3DS: 5300-8098-4502
Hey, I'm finally getting a chance to skim through this, and I thought I'd give you the biggest piece of advice I can think of before getting too far in-depth (it's 4:30 in the morning here, heh):
I get that you got permission to do script format for your story, and that's cool, but if you are going to write in script, it should be with some sort of purpose. Script is GENERALLY a terrible way to tell a story because there's no narration, so it reads basically as "dialogue, dialogue, dialogue, dialogue, brief description of some relevant action, dialogue, dialogue, dialogue". It leaves a reader feeling much less invested in the characters because the reader isn't getting any insight into anyone's perspective.
What I mean as far as doing script "with a purpose" is that there are only a few reasons people ever write in script format, and none of them are for people to read alone. They write script to describe scene content to either an artist (comic books or other illustrated works) or a performer (television show or movie or play). Those kinds of scripting are all different formatically (I just made that word up, bear with me), because they are conveying different things. A comic book script is done to describe a page layout to an artist and what should be drawn to focus the reader on. A TV/movie/play script is going to be full of direction for actors and actresses, as well as descriptions of setting, with the key difference being that a TV/movie script will also have directions for what the camera is focusing on while a play script with have directions for what characters who aren't the focal point of a scene will be doing when the audience's attention is on something else. A script for an animated show or movie is going to be a combination of comic book (describing for an artist to draw what needs to be shown) and TV/movie (describing for voice actors how they need to present their emotions).
Okay, I feel like I'm rambling and not making much sense at 4am, so I'm going to try to be a little clearer:
If you want to write something in script, you should decide its purpose. Do you imagine your story as a play for a live audience? Or a comic book? Or a television show? Or a movie? If it is a movie or a television show, is it animated or live action? I'm sure you have an idea in your head of how this story "presents", so go with that. When you have that decision, I'd do some research on that format of script (they are all different) and work your story that way (some noteworthy differences: comic books have page layout directions; plays have stage directions; a movie will have setting descriptions).
I think that when your story is scripted with a purpose towards a format, it will read a lot more fluidly. I honestly, wholly just feel that script as a format for a narrative story is ineffectual. As I said, it doesn't allow the reader to get as enveloped in any of the characters, because everything feels like it is happening without much of a purpose. How does anyone feel? Is there any innermost thought process?
I took the liberty of looking up some sites that give various kinds of scripting format advice, so I hope you don't mind:
Movies/TV format (there is a LOT of info here and it's all broken apart, so it can feel like you're drowning in it, but if you are patient enough to read it all, it's pretty good)
Hopefully that will be a good start.
So, yeah. I actually didn't talk about the STORY at all, did I? I thought this was a bit more important. And now it's 5am, so I am going back to bed. With any luck, I'll get to come back and say something about the actual story going on here later.
3DS code: 3823-9867-2750 (FRIENDS LIST CURRENTLY FULL! Please use alternate 3DS code!)
Alternate 3DS code (I use both!): 3196-4267-4698
Sid87, thank you a lot for this post!
Actually, I don't plan something serious like a book, or a movie, it's just for fun)
Actually, before writing it, I wanted to write it in a script way, but now I think that it is easier to write in different way, but as it too Late to change anything, I'll keep writing in script format and change it from the new part of Fic, which is not soon(
Thanks for the links, I'll check it and last but not least, I'll try to describe as much as I coulld, so wait for the new chapter!)
Well, not every gym, but it won't take long beforee he takes Ralts)
Last edited by RealRaymon; 7th August 2012 at 11:32 AM.
Oh, I get that you probably didn't have any great design on turning this into a play or manga or a movie, but I still just mean that if you pick a format and role with that, it will help readers get an even better visual for your story. We'll see it as a show or a comic or something rather than just as a bunch of dialogue one after another.
3DS code: 3823-9867-2750 (FRIENDS LIST CURRENTLY FULL! Please use alternate 3DS code!)
Alternate 3DS code (I use both!): 3196-4267-4698
Hi! My dear readers) I post a new chapter. It will be a huge one, and as it has a Quiz, you may participate in it!)
Just answer the questions an test yourselves)
So, here it is!)
The 6th Chapter: The Master Quiz!
(Max and Forrest come out of the forest and, finally, they see Rustboro City ahead of them. There a lot of modern high buildings and as soon they go into the city, they see that the Pokemon Center is not far ahead)
Max(with full of joy and energy): “Oh, It’s the Pokemon Center!”(points at it)
Forrest(agrees): “Yes.” (To Max) “Max, have you been here before?”
Max: “Sure, I was!”
Forrest(says very gently): “So, do you know that there is a gym here?”
Max(says with a little bit irritating voice): “Yeah, so what’s up?”
Forrest(impatiently): “So, would you challenge this gym leader? Would you?”
Max(thinking): “Well, I haven’t thought about that.”
(While Max is thinking, they approach to a beautiful white building with a large display at the top, large Poster, showing Beautifly, using Silver Wind and Spoink, which is bouncing on its tail at the background, and a girl with orange hair and microphone in her hands. They see the sign above poster, where is written with large pink letters: “Pokemon Contest, Rustboro City, starts next week”)
Max(looks at it and he really likes it building as it eyes are shining when he look at it): “What a magnificent building! And look at the poster. Two Pokemon are there: Spoink and Beautifly! Let’s check these Pokemon!”
Forrest(doesn’t understand and asks Max): “What do you mean by checking?”
Max(takes Pokedex out of his back): “Look here!”
(Max looks at it and Forrest looks and shouts)
Forrest: “Oh a Pokedex! I’ve always wanted one!”
Max(smiles as he is proud that he has Pokedex): “By checking I mean that I check the Pokemon I want using my device.”
Forrest(understand): “So, we gonna check these Pokemon, won’t we?”
Max: “Yeah!” (checks the data)
Pokedex: “Beautifly, the Butterfly Pokémon, and the evolved form of Silcoon. When flowers are in bloom, Beautifly fly about gathering pollen.
Spoink, the Bounce Pokémon. Spoink bounces about on its tail. The pearl upon its head helps to magnify its psychic powers. If a Spoink loses its pearl, it grows extremely tired.”
Max: “Cool!” (looks at the Poster) “Hey, I know her, it’s Vivian!”
Forrest(surprisingly): “Vivian, who is it?”
Max: “You don’t know? Forrest, you must have been in forests for a long time.” (and laughs)
Forrest(with a -_- face): “Ha-ha, funny…Well, seriously?”
Max: “She is the master of ceremonies.”
Forrest: “Very interesting! Well, you’ll tell me about it later!”
Max: “Sure! So, I was thinking about the gym battle…”(thinks)“Well, the Rustboro gym leader is Roxanne, and she uses Rock-types. I do have a Treecko, who is a good choice, but Tailow is a flying type and may have troubles with it…”
Forrest: “Yes, but you forgot that Tailow has a secret weapon…”
Max: “A secret weapon?” (takes a pause) “Oh, certainly! Steel Wing is super-effective! So, I can give it a shot!”
Forrest: “Well, let’s get going!”
(They go to the Rustboro City gym. As they come close to it, they see that a sign is hanging on the door of the large, rock-like house)
Max(excited): “That’s the Rustboro City gym!”
Forrest: “Well yeah, but there is a sign on the door.” (Comes and reads it as Max listens attentively) “Dear Challengers, the Rustboro City gym will be closed today as the Master Quiz is taking place at the Rustboro City School. Yours faithfully, Roxanne.”
Max(surprised): “Closed? Oh, no. What should we do?” (thinks) “Oh! I know! We can and participate in that Quiz. Well, let’s go there immediately!”
(They come to the old, brown building and they come in. After some unsuccessful tries to find Roxanne, they see her standing in the hallway. Roxanne is talking to one of her students)
Max(comes to her): “Hi, ms. Roxanne! I...”
Roxanne: “Hi Max!”
Max(very surprised): “How do you recognize me after all this time?”
Roxanne(smiles and answers with a soft voice): “I remember all of my students here.” (looks at Forrest) “And you must be…”
Forrest: “I am Forrest Franklin.”
Roxanne: “Nice to meet you. So, what do you want to ask me?”
Max(starts talking, barely giving her a chance to finish her sentence): “We want to participate in today’s Quiz… Can you let us in?”
Roxanne(nods): “You are just in time. Of course, the entry is for everyone.”
Max(asks): “Tell me please, how you gonna rate our answers and on what topics would they be?”
Roxanne: “That’s a secret.” (smiles)
Forrest: “and when should we start?”
Roxanne: “in 15 minutes”
Max(with relief): “Well, good timing…”
(As Roxanne goes out, Max suddenly remembers and asks her)
Max: “Ms. Roxanne?”
Roxanne(turns back): “Yes, Max?”
Max: “After all that, I want to challenge you to a battle!”
Roxanne(with a kind face): “Sure, Max! We’ll battle tomorrow, okay?”
Max(happily): “That’s fine! So, would we go to the quizroom together?”
(They go upstairs and enter a huge classroom, where are a lot of students and it is a large screen in front of them. Max and Forrest take their place somewhere in the middle as Roxanne comes and starts the thing)
Roxanne: “Hi, dear students!”
Class(answers back with the same tone of voice): “Hi, ms. Roxanne!”
Roxanne(explains all carefully): “Today, we’ll have a Quiz! It will consist of 5 questions. They will be very interesting, educative and check your erudition. All you should do is to answer the questions correctly. The answers you’ll write here…”(gives the paper to all students and pens if necessary). I wish you all best luck! And let’s begin!”
(there is a silence in the classroom as they all prepare and wait)
Roxanne: “The first question…” (as she talks the image appears on the screen) “To which Pokemon does it belong to?”
(The class starts talking quietly and writing. Max is thinking, while Forrest has already written the answer. Max finally made up his mind.)
Roxanne: “It’s time for the second task. Write, which grass Pokemon in the Hoenn region is not weak against fire-type attacks?”
(Class starts writing again, as Max has immediately written the answer)
Max(proud of himself): “Well, that was easy.”
Forrest: “Maybe this one, no it’s weak….Common, Forrest, show you what’s you made of!”
Roxanne: “Here is the 3rd question…”(while the screen shows another picture) “Write please, what Pokemon or part of it is shown on the picture?”
(It becomes quiet in the class and all, even Max, think about it)
Max: “That’s definitely the part of Pokemon…It may be the head of Sceptile or it is…”
Forrest: “That’s interesting…May be it is rotated…”(turns his head and finally sees that picture)
“Oh, that’s definitely a Tailow, I see its beak and wing”
(Roxanne gives more time on this question, but then starts another)
Roxanne: “The fourth task, as we know, Swampert is a partly ground Pokemon, so electric type-attacks won’t work. Write please, would electric attack have any effect on Mudkip?”
(The class writes the answer and Roxanne starts again)
Roxanne: “The time for the final question! Who is that Pokemon or part of it?”(shows the Picture)
Max: “Wow! It’s funny!”(writes the answer)
Forrest(dissatisfied): “not again…”
Roxanne: “The time for the answers! Spoiler:- answers:
Roxanne: “Now, I’ll count the results, while you can sit here or go and do something. It will take me about 15 minutes.”
(Almost a whole class goes out, Max and Forrest as well, all they talk about the questions)
The 1st boy(I knew I should describe him, but it doesn’t matter how he looks, just imagine it): “What questions…I can’t guess correctly Slugma or Flygon’s tail.”
The 2nd boy: “I guessed Flygon, but I forgot that Mudkip is not a ground…But other questions were easy”
The 1st girl: “Yeah! But for the moment, I thought it was a Clamper’s Pearl, they are soo adorable! ”
Max: “Well yes, but they have white pearls, not pink.”
Forrest: “Guys, what did you think about Flygon’s tail?”
The 2nd girl: “I thought it was a Combusken’s head..”
The 2nd boy: “Oh Torchic’s…”
The 1st boy: “Oh a hand of Shiftry…”
(As the time comes, they go into the classroom and wait for others, and as all come, Roxanne declares the results and he winner)
(Roxanne tells the results and announces the champion)
Roxanne(taking something out of her bag): “and the winner is Max, he is the only person to answer all the questions correctly!”
The whole class: “Congratulations, Max!”
Max(happily): “Thanks, all of you!”
Roxanne(gives Max a white, heart-like scale): “I present you a heart-scale!”
Max: “Thank you, it is so beautiful!”
Roxanne(to class): “Dear class, and I want to tell, that tomorrow I and Max will have a gym battle and you can watch it through our TV!”
(As all ends, Max and Forrest come out of the school. It is late and is getting dark quickly)
Forrest(looks at the sky): “It is getting dark. Let’s find a place to sleep.”
Max: “We can go to the Pokemon Center.”
(They go to the a white building with a large Pokeball-like roof. As they go in, they see the familiar smiling face)
Max and Forrest: “Hi, Nurse Joy!!”
Nurse Joy: “Can I help you?”
Max: “Yes, we are looking for a place to have a night.”
Nurse Joy: “Oh, I’ll help you. We have free rooms upstairs.”
Max: “Oh, thank you!”
Nurse Joy: “You are welcome! Chansey, show them the room!”
(Max acts like always)
Pokedex: “Chansey, the Egg Pokémon. Chansey is a kind Pokémon who shares its egg with those who are sick or injured.”
(Chansey shows them the room. It is a room, where is a bunk bed, a table an a chair)
Max and Forrest: “Thanks Chansey!”
(Max and Forrest take a place, turn the light off and soon Forrest is sleeping, while Max imagine how his battle will be going on)
The end of 6th Chapter.
Last edited by RealRaymon; 7th August 2012 at 8:27 PM.
Good chapter. It was good that we saw Max's huge knowledge about Pokemon in this chapter. And I can't wait to see the gym battle between Max and Roxanne.
Welcome back Charizard! I've missed you so much! <3
Yay! Got them all right!
Errr... So anyway, lovend that you put something interactive in, it shows a great story/fanfic/whatchamacalit.
PS is it okay if I put a link to the first page for advertisement?
Thanks, and yes, it is okay)(about the link)
Great chapter. I enjoyed the quiz.
Can you add me to the PM list please? I am really enjoying it! I know this is the Hoenn region and all, but I think it would be cool if Max got an egg that hatched into a Sinnoh or Unova Pokemon considering it would be a good learning experience for him, training a Pokemon he doesn't know much about.
My 3DS Friend Code is 4656-7001-6257
Spoiler:- Ghost Friend Safari:
Spoiler:- Hall of Fame:
2)about egg, I have this idea in mind, but sadly he won't get my fav unova Pokemon(oshawott-Dewott), cause he would get Mudkip, who is one of my Hoenn favourites
By the way, have you read all chapters?)
Yes, I have read all the chapters! Since you bring Mudkipz into the mix, I hope he gets a Swampert
My 3DS Friend Code is 4656-7001-6257
Spoiler:- Ghost Friend Safari:
Spoiler:- Hall of Fame:
Yeah, I liked the Pokemon Quiz chapter.
Thanks for the link to your fanfic, I love to read them and this is one of the most creative fanfic I've read. I love the references to the AG saga and sorry for the late reply, I thought it would be better to read your whole story so far rather than just that one chapter, in my free time.
Ash: Now I choose you!
Wow! Had a chance to write a new chapter, and I did!)Also, want to note, I thought whether to divide gym battle in two chapters or not, but I'll divide into two, because it has enough size(the 1st part) for the chapter and it will be more interesting for you
So, here it is!
advice: while Max and Roxanne are battling, you can use this music)
The 7th Chapter: Unprepared Experience!
(Max and Forrest are somewhere near Pokemon Center. The place is a little bit rocky, so Max is training with his Pokemon as he prepares for the upcoming gym battle. Forrest is sitting and watching all of this)
Max(yelling): “Treecko, use Bullet Seed! Tailow, Use Steel Wing!”
Treecko: "Treecko!"(jumps) “Cko-ko-ko-ko…”(and Treecko shoots out lightgreen seeds out of his mouth and they are fired into the rock)
Taillow(flies and its wings glow grey as he heads into the another boulder)
(As they continue, Taillow smashes the rock and Treecko’s Bullet Seed smashes the rock as well)
Max(yells one more time): “Treecko, do a Pound attack with a spin! Like you did before!”
Treecko(jumps and spins): “Tree-eee…”(smashes the boulder and crashes it. Then it looks at Max and smiles) “Treecko!”
Max: “That’s great!” (to Taillow) “Let’s do Steel Wing again, and even harder this time!”
Taillow(nods and flies again): “Taillow!” (flies at the rock) “loooow…”
Max: “Now spin!”
(Tailow spins and becomes a spinning threat that crashes the rock)
Taillow(flies to Max); “Taillow!”
Max: “That’s awesome job too, Taillow!” (to both of them) “Now, take it please” (gives them Pokemon food with grated Oran berries, which Max had earlier)
(Pokemon start eating and they really like it)
Taillow(like “yummy!”): “”Loww!
Treecko(eats and enjoys it): “Cko!”
Forrest: “They really like it!”
Max: “Yeah! Thank you for making it!”
Forrest: “No problem, Max! Hope you’ll win this battle!...as for the battle what strategy do you plan to use?”
Max: “I’ll start with Treecko, try to do my best and later I’ll use Taillow if Treecko would be in danger. And as you’ve seen, our spinning moves are really powerful!”
Forrest(agrees): “Yes, they really are!”
(As Pokemon finish eating, Max takes Heart Scale out of his bag and shows them)
Max: “See this Heart Scale?”
His Pokemon(nod): “Cko-Low”
Max: “Look, guys, as soon as we win our battles, we’ll go and meet our old friend…I really want you to win, and I hope we’ll work like one heart together!”
(Pokemon nod and become pumped)
Max(smiles): “Great! So, good luck to us!”(returns Pokemon and tells Forrest to go to the gym. As they approach the large, rock-like building, Max breathes deeply and says)
Max(with anticipation): “My first gym battle is on the way! I can’t believe it…I am ready to go!”(goes to the gym)
Forrest: “Wait for me, not so quick…Oh, whatever…”
(As they enter the gym, they see a large battlefield with a lot of rocks(boulders) on it. They see that some people clean up the field, as one of them comes to Max and Forrest and tells Max. He is happens to be the Rustboro city judge, or assistant)
Judge: “We’ve waited for you. I wish you luck, Max!”
Judge(calls Roxanne): “Teacher, your challenger is here for the battle!”
(Roxanne goes down the stairs and as she sees Max, tells him)
Roxanne: “Hi Max! I am happy that your Hoenn experience starts in my own Rustboro gym. That’s honor for me! So, are you ready to go? ”
Max: “I sure do!”
Judge(stands where the judges stand with a red and a green flags): “Teacher, the battlefield is set and ready.”
Roxanne: “That’s great! Let’s go then…”
(Roxanne and Max stand on the different sides of the battlefield and they both look very prepared to start their battle)
Roxanne(takes the Pokeball and throws it): “Geodude, I choose you!”
Geodude(comes out and has a very confident, strong-looking face): “Geodude! Geo!”
Max: “A Geodude…” (You know what comes next, don’t you?)
Pokedex: “Geodude, the Rock Pokémon. Geodude has incredibly high defensive power, making it virtually resistant to any physical attacks.”
Max(with a confident look): “Very well, go, Treecko!”
Treecko(goes out of the Pokeball and lands on the little boulder and has a very determined look and confident eyes): “Treecko!”
Max: “Let’s show them, Treecko!”
Max: “Okay, let’s use Quick Attack!”
Roxanne(is surprised, but waits as Treecko approaches and yells): “Block it!” (Geodude uses his arms to block the attack)
Max(smiles as he did that on purpose): “Not going o happen…Jump, Treecko!”
(Treecko jumps over Geodude)
Max: “Use Bullet Seed!”
(Treecko uses it, Geodude tries to block it, but despite its high defenses, it rolls back)
Roxanne: “It was good, Geodude use, Rollout!”
(Geodude jumps and starts to roll and is going into Treecko at high speed)
Max: “Use Pound while you spin!”
(Treecko starts to spin and two attacks collide and two Pokemon land into the ground. Treecko is standing firm, but Geodude starts getting tired)
Roxanne: “Use Rollout once more!”
Geodude: “Geo!” (and starts Rollout again)
Max: “Treecko, use Bullet Seed to stop it!”
(The attacks collide again, but Geodude overpowers the seed-attack and strikes Treecko. Treecko is hit hardly and lies in the ground)
Max(surprised): “But how??”
Roxanne: “I trained my Geodude a lot and it has very good defenses while rolling. Geodude, use Rollout once more!”
(Geodude starts rolling and as it headed into Treecko, Treecko just stands up)
Max(worried): “Not good!” (takes a Pokeball) “Return, Treecko!”
(He returns Treecko as Geodude stops rolling)
Roxanne: “Nice move, Max!”
Max(takes another Pokeball): “Go, Taillow!”
Roxanne(surprised): “Quite unexpected choice. Do you really want to use a flying Pokemon in a rock gym?”
Max: “I sure do. Wait and you’ll see…”
Roxanne: “Very well. I like this type of confidence!”
Max: “Taillow use Steel Wing!”(Taillow uses Steel wing)
Roxanne: “Use Rollout, Geodude!”
(The two attacks collide in the air as Geodude is tired and Taillow is okay)
Max: “Use Steel Wing, Taillow!”
Roxanne: “Use Rock Throw!”(Geodude uses its arm and smashes the field and many rocks are headed into Taillow)
Max: “Use Quick Attack and dodge them!” (Taillow starts gaining speed, dodges them and is headed into Geodude)
Max: “Now, spin!”
(Tailow starts spinning)
Roxanne: “Block it!”
(Max chuckles quietly as Taillow strikes Geodude, the attack make explosion. Taillow hits like a spinning Fighter aircraft and flies and yells, while Geodude rolls closer to Roxanne and is Knocked out)
Judge: “Geodude is unable to battle…” (points red flag at it, then raises green flag and points at Taillow) “…Taillow is the winner!”
Max(shouts happily): “We did it! Great work, Taillow!”
Taillow(smiles and says with a joy): “Taillow!”
Roxanne: “That’s very impressive!” (recalls Geodude) “You trained your attacks well! But let’s continue!” (takes Pokeball) “Go!”
(As the Pokeball is thrown, a Pokemon with small round eyes, and Bushy Mustache that is under his huge nose, and a big Hat-like magnet appears)
Max(stunned): “No way…a Probopass!”
(The scene ends while Roxanne is standing firm and Max is very surprised to see this Pokemon. Would he come victorious? We’ll see in next chapter)
The end of the 7th Chapter.
Last edited by RealRaymon; 8th August 2012 at 2:46 AM.
Awesome! She evolved it! But, where in Hoenn did she evolve it? Since the only known places that send out the right electromagnetic frequency are Mt. Coronet, and ChargeStone Cave, or are you making your own cave thingy?