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Thread: Max's New Adventures

  1. #201
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    Bug Pokemon was said by Forrest, and Bug Type was said by Randy. I mean that different people can call the same thing differently, don't you agree)
    That I agree with, but that wasn't the point I was trying to make. I was talking specifically about the capitalisation - ie you had Bug Pokemon/type and later bug Pokemon/type. That's inconsistent; keep it to one or the other. It's like half the time saying Potion and the other half potion for instance, or Bulbasaur and bulbasaur in the same story; it doesn't make sense to have it both ways.

    Also you're still lacking in the spaces between names/dialogue and directions/descriptions (Max(To Randy): for instance; should be Max (To Randy) It might be tedious to fix but it would help a lot with the presentation; as said, every time there isn't that space (nearly every line or two) it's slightly distracting from the story.

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  2. #202
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    So, as promised, a review. I'll do my best to help you, and here's to hoping everything comes across all right (as opposed to hostile).

    As a note up front, I read all fourteen chapters prior to this point but am only commenting on this one. I can include general notes about the plot and whatnot, but the main issue I see here is the grammar and readability of the story. So I felt that it would be easier to take a look at this chapter in particular and go over everything I can with you in as much detail as possible to help you clean your work up.


    Quote Originally Posted by RealRaymon View Post
    Max(gets interested in it and takes all of his Pokeballs): “Come out, everyone!”
    As bobandbill said, whenever you have a stage direction (thing in parentheses like this) right after a tag (the part that says who's speaking), you need a space in between the parentheses and the name. So instead of something like the above quote, you need something like this:

    Max (gets interested in it and takes all of his Pokéballs): "Come out, everyone!"

    Of course, if we go with traditional script formatting, you'll also want to put the tag and stage direction on a separate line from the quote like this:

    Max (gets interested in it and takes all of his Pokéballs)
    "Come out, everyone!"

    …But that's really up to you.

    The point is, though, take a good look at the way I've written the stage directions in those examples. Notice how you have a space between the name and the direction? That's what we mean.

    That said, there's a second problem with this line. What does "it" mean? There's several different possibilities here: Beautifly, Ledian, the battle between Forrest and Randy, some random shiny object we might not have been introduced to yet… Short of it is, you'll want to be specific when it comes to descriptions. While real stage directions tend to be brief, the problem is that we're not directors here. We're readers going into your story wanting to picture the scenes you lay out for us. As such, you'll need to make an effort to give us as many details as possible so we can form mental pictures of each and every scene in your story.

    That and stage directions are never vague. They don't just say "he got interested in it." They say "he got interested in this specific thing that's right in front of him." That way, there's absolutely no confusion over how the scene should be acted.

    Max(looks at Taillow and tells it to come closer to him):
    You don't need to say "tells it to come closer to him." The line of dialogue you give him here tells us that much already, so this stage direction ends up being redundant. Never use the stage directions to tell us what a character is saying. You can still use them to tell us that, for example, Max is looking at Taillow, but for everything else, rely on their speaking parts.

    Max: “Since it is a battle between two flying Pokemon,
    Since this is a battle between two flying Pokémon. "It" is vague, but "this" specifies that Max is talking about what's directly in front of him.

    Also, bobandbill mentioned this earlier, and it resurfaces here. You're rather inconsistent about the way you handle the names of types. Here, you don't capitalize "flying," but you capitalize "bug" the first time it's used in the last chapter. As bobandbill said, capitalize or don't capitalize, and stay consistent with the rule you set.

    Max: “Well, you can start battling…”
    An ellipsis tells a reader that what's being said is trailing off. As a result, this line reads as if Max isn't enthusiastic about the battle. Instead, try ending the sentence with a period or an exclamation point. That switches his tone to firm (in the case of a period) or excited (in the case of an exclamation point).

    (Its arms glowed lightblue and it headed into Butterfree)
    First and foremost, "glowed" and "headed" should be "glows" and "heads." You're writing your stage directions in present tense (as if they're happening right now), not in past tense (as if they've happened in the past). Notice how verbs in your other directions end with S? That's how you can tell.

    Second, "light-blue" or "light blue." There is no such word as "lightblue."

    Third, you'll need a comma after "light blue." The reason why is because this is a compound sentence. Here's a trick: replace the conjunction (and, but, or, for, nor, yet, so) with a period. If you get two separate, complete sentences as a result, you have a compound that needs a comma. It's only when you end up with a single complete sentence and a fragment that doesn't make sense on its own that you need to drop the comma.

    Fifth, punctuate this stage direction with a period between "Butterfree" and the closing parenthesis. It's a complete sentence.

    Sixth, remember how I said your stage directions need to have enough detail to help the readers create a mental picture of what's going on in their minds? Same thing here. It feels like Ledian starts off an attack but doesn't quite finish it. While you mention what happens a few lines later, this is a Mach Punch. It's a super-fast move. As such, it feels awkward that we just get one line of it here because it feels like you've stopped before the move was completed.

    (Butterfree prepared to strike the opponent with amazing speed. The two attack collide and these two bug Pokemon were soaring gracefully)
    Again, punctuate the end of these stage directions with a period.

    Also, "prepared" means "to get ready for." It doesn't mean "actually used." Because of that, the mental image that I got out of this the first time through is that Butterfree positioned itself to use Tackle but was cut off by Mach Punch because the actual use of Tackle was never described.

    Moreover, "two attacks," not "two attack." Two indicates that there was more than one attack, so you'll need the plural form.

    Lastly, if you were punched in the gut (or anywhere else), you'll probably not be doing anything gracefully. Be careful and think hard about how attacks might affect Pokémon because even if it's early in the battle, a living being would be able to feel the right hit in the right location.

    (As the two attacks collide once again, the power of both Pokémon’s attack seem to be equal.
    How can we tell this? There's an old piece of advice in the business that goes like this: show, don't tell. Remember how I talked to you about details and mental images a moment ago? It really goes back to that again. As readers, we can't see inside your head, so we can't imagine this epic battle the way you can. Saying that both Pokémon's attacks (and yes, incidentally, that's another noun that needs to be turned into a plural) seem to be equal doesn't mean a thing to us because we can't picture what's going on. Are they holding still in mid-air with Ledian's fist pressing hard against Butterfree's forehead? Is there some kind of magical light that shows their power levels ebbing from their bodies? Did they just do the same amount of damage to each other and are floating in mid-air, separated from each other and recovering from basically the same exact wounds? We, your readers, can't tell. There's just nothing here to clue us in on what's going on.

    But judging by determined look on the faces of Randy and Forrest, both of them have tricks up their sleeve)
    Also, it would be more dramatic if you didn't tell us that they have tricks up their sleeves. You've pretty much already given away the fact that there are twists in the battle, rather than allow us to be surprised by sudden turns of events.

    Ledian: “Ledian! Ledi!...”(a lot of yellow stars came out of its flapping wings)
    Come out. Also, capitalize and punctuate that stage direction as if it's its own sentence.

    (Butterfree unleashed a multi-coloured beam from its eyes and the two attacks collided)
    Comma after "eyes." Also, tense inconsistencies again and a missing period.

    Forrest: “Okay. The time for the secret attack. Use Thunderpunch!”
    I would suggest "your secret attack" instead of "the secret attack." It just reads rather oddly otherwise, as if it's a general secret attack, rather than a secret attack belonging specifically to Ledian.

    (Ledian’s arms glowed yellow and electricity sparkled from them)
    Tense errors and a missing period again.

    Forrest: “Yeah. I felt that Ledian should overcome its flying type weakness and here we go!”
    Comma after "weakness." This is a compound sentence.

    Randy: “Not bad! But this is not so threatening for a trainer like me!”

    (as he waited for Ledian to come close and…)

    Randy: “Use Gust!”
    The main point I'd like to bring up about your attacks is that they seem so slow. Battles are very quick for the most part, and attacks are meant to be exciting productions. Yet whenever you interrupt attacks with dialogue or spend several stage directions describing one Pokémon going in for a strike, it feels like you're slowing down time and shifting focus from the attack to what's being said. While it's difficult in a script to convey a lot of action, you'll want to keep in mind that battles are just action-oriented. Don't let your battle scenes get bogged down with dialogue, and don't stretch out attacks over multiple stage directions.

    (Butterfree started flapping wings
    Flapping its wings.

    very quickly and very strong wind hit Ledian.
    And a very strong wind.

    Also, this is a good example of what I mean. Ledian started moving first, was using an electric attack, and is of a species that is naturally quicker than Butterfree's. On top of that, Ledian is generating an attack from inside its body, meaning it shouldn't take too long to build up the energy for it; Butterfree needs to move a lot of air around itself in order to generate enough wind power for Gust. So in all, there's really no reason why Thunderpunch wouldn't have landed first other than because it's more convenient to the plot. It just makes Thunderpunch seem even slower than it really should be, especially considering all of that and the fact that it was described in only one line.

    Its Thunderpunch lost power and Ledian fell on the ground)
    To the ground (or onto it, depending on whether you want to indicate direction or where exactly it hit). You can't really fall on a general location.

    (Butterfree started to release blue, shining powder comes is released from its wings)
    Yeeeeah, this is why I said via PM that it would be best to get a beta reader, particularly one fluent in English. You just make a lot of errors a native speaker (or someone fluent in the language) wouldn't normally make, such as this strangely worded and circular sentence right here. A beta would be able to pick up on that and help you straighten things out – maybe give you a few tips to help you avoid the same mistake later.

    That being said, I think what you were trying to say here is, "Butterfree starts to release a shining, blue powder from its wings." Even then, that's a bit passive, so I would suggest, "Butterfree releases a shining, blue powder from its wings."

    (You also have a lot of passive stage directions. Things never just happen; characters always start to do them or prepare to do them. Cut out the excess verbs in your sentences and just have the action. That will make your sentences sound stronger.)

    (started flying, but Sleep Powder still hit it and it fell asleep)
    And? Did it fall back to the ground? Is it flying in mid-air while sleeping?

    Tense issues again, by the by.

    Ledian(opened its eyes): “Ledi!”
    So what was the point of it falling asleep? See, you'll want to create tension in your battle. You nearly did by having Ledian fall asleep, but the sleep didn't even stick. So, there's no real tension here because you took away the major obstacle it was facing. Now we're not as excited to see whether or not Ledian will get up and survive the round because, well, there's no need to.

    Yes, I know that Ledian has Early Bird, but even then, it feels like this part is very anticlimactic.

    (flew up and dodged the attack as Butterfree hit the ground hard as it missed)
    Move this to its own paragraph because it's a stage direction for both Ledian and Butterfree, not just Ledian.

    Also, you really don't have to say "it missed" at the end there. Your readers will already get that Butterfree missed unless you happen to have a very strange reader who thinks Butterfree was aiming for the ground.

    Randy: “It recovered so fast from a sleep?”(said very surprisingly with emphasis on the last word)
    This line of dialogue doesn't quite read naturally. (As in, people don't really speak this way in English.) While some people might actually use "fast" instead of "quickly," when they're emphasizing that something is super-fast, they'll say "that fast," not "so fast."

    That and no one says "a sleep"; we just say "sleep."

    Also, "very surprisingly" implies that it's very surprising that Randy is speaking. If you want to indicate that he sounds very surprised, you'll want to start off the line with the stage direction like so:

    Randy (surprised): "It recovered that fast from sleep?"

    Note that I also took out the bit about emphasis. You can indicate emphasis on a particular word just by italicizing it.

    (As Butterfree was still on the ground, Ledian hit it.
    Because Butterfree was still on the ground. "As" tends to indicate a time frame, not a cause-and-effect situation.

    Ledian flew up gracefully.
    You use this phrase a few times, and all I can say is it's another example of telling instead of showing. Don't tell us that Ledian flew gracefully. Show us by having Ledian swoop back into the air as if nothing had happened. Just saying that it flew gracefully doesn't mean a thing to us because what's graceful to one person may not be graceful to another. Being as concrete and specific as possible helps strengthen your images by creating a clear, precise mental image for a reader.

    Butterfree(shaking): “Free…….”
    An ellipsis only uses three dots. Do not use more than four, and you do not need seven.

    (Butterfree started flapping its wings but something hurt it inside and it fell on the ground again.
    Try the period trick (the "replace conjunctions with a period") here. Notice how you get three separate sentences ("Butterfree started flapping its wings." "Something hurt it inside." "It fell on the ground again.") as a result? That means that you can't turn this into a compound sentence because it would become a run-on. Instead, you're going to have to make a decision. You'll have to separate one of these "sentences" out and turn the other two into a compound, or you'll have to merge two of these phrases together and create a compound with only two independent clauses (phrase that can stand on their own as sentences).

    Also, it would be a good idea to show us Butterfree suffering. These are stage directions, so they are meant to tell us how a character is acting so that it can be played by an actor. So, you're going to have to pay particular attention to characters' actions and reactions. Instead of having Butterfree just hurt inside, have it cringe and groan – maybe even slow down its wing beating or close its eyes. Show us what it's doing, not how it's feeling.

    It tried to get up, but useless, it was knocked out)
    This is another one of those sentences that needs to be rearranged because I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say. I think you mean, "It tried to get up, but its efforts were useless. It was knocked out." But even then, that's incredibly awkward in itself. If it's knocked out, it wouldn't be able to try to get up in the first place, and if its efforts were useless, you should be showing us that instead of telling us.

    That and I'm only speculating on what you mean. Your writing should be clear and readable for a native English speaker before you post so that your audience doesn't have to guess as to what your meaning is.

    (Skipping over the tense errors in the next few lines.)

    Forrest: “Yes, it sure was, thanks!”
    This line, believe it or not, is actually two sentences linked by a comma splice. "Thanks" should be its own sentence because it's an exclamation.

    (Randy looked at each Max with misunderstanding, thinking about what he said)
    While you can look at someone with understanding, you can't look at them with misunderstanding because you'd never know that you were misunderstanding something the moment it happens. (Misunderstanding is mostly a hindsight sort of thing.) You can look at them in confusion, however.

    Max(To Randy): “Look, can your Squirtle be a mentor for my Mudkip?
    Drop the "look." Otherwise, Max is being rather rude, even for him. ("Look" indicates that someone is being impatiently demanding.)

    (Squirtle looked at Max, then at Randy, Randy nodded and Squirtle used it on the tree. Water pressure was good, so it made a dint there)
    Drop the comma after the first "Randy" and replace it with a period. This is a comma splice. Note that you get two separate sentences as a result of the replacement.

    Also, besides the fact that it should be "the water pressure was good," this is another case of telling instead of showing. Does "good water pressure" mean "garden hose" or "fire hose"? This phrase is actually very vague to a reader because not everyone has the same ideas about water. After all, not everyone thinks about water pressure the way they might think about what is and isn't graceful, so not everyone has a default mental image of what good and bad water pressure actually is.

    Yes, you mention that it makes a dint in the tree, but… then the phrase becomes redundant and awkward. If you just leave it as "Squirtle shoots a jet of water that leaves a dint in the tree," we'd get the idea that the water pressure was good as it is. Phrasing it like that allows the line to feel stronger because you're not relying on redundant, vague phrasing in order to get the idea across.

    Also, yes, again, show instead of tell. Instead of telling us that Water Gun is being used, show us what exactly Squirtle does in order to use it. Do that for all of your attacks, especially because this fic tends to be dialogue heavy. Giving us something to visualize mentally will help maintain our interest in what's going on.

    “Mud!Kiippp!”(used
    Spaces around your punctuation marks, please. "Mud! Kiippp!" (used, not "Mud!Kiippp!"(used. That is not a single word.

    it but with a slightly less power and a bit inaccurate)
    Again, specify what's going on. How inaccurate? Did it miss the tree completely? Did it hit an innocent bystander? Did it not even make it all the way to the tree? How terrible is this Water Gun? That will help us get an idea of how much training Max will have to do with Mudkip.

    so Mudkip can learn)
    Again, redundant. We get that's why Squirtle is repeating its attack because it agreed to be a mentor to Mudkip and because it just shook its head in disapproval.

    I want to train your speed as well as power…So, you can smash rocks like this one” (points at a bolder nearby) “Or you can just try to compete in running. Ok?”
    First off, you don't need an ellipsis between "power" and "so." There's no real reason why Max would be trailing off there. You also don't need a comma after "so."

    Second, indicate a break in dialogue with a dash. So, you'd phrase Max's line like this:

    "So you can smash rocks like this one—" (points at a boulder nearby) "—or you can just try to compete in running."

    The dashes just indicate that the sentence continues on after the interruption.

    Also, yes, boulder, not bolder. "Bolder" means "stronger"; "boulder" is a large rock. Beware of homophones. (A beta would help you with that.)

    Finally… compete in running? Considering the fact that nothing up until this point implied that Max was going to do anything that was related to running, this… comes pretty much out-of-nowhere.

    (The Pokemon nod and start to run and compete with each other)
    Specify their actions. Otherwise, I'm just going to be over here imagining that they're participating in a game of baseball because it's pretty much all I've got in terms of a mental image of what's going on there.

    (They have been training all the day and after Pokemon got tired(in a good way, so they can benefit from the training)
    You really, really do not need to specify that they got tired in a good way.

    Because to English readers in certain countries/regions (like mine), "tired in a bad way" means sex.

    Well, that and we can figure out why they're tired on our own.

    But mostly sex.

    Brawley: “Oh, I was a judge…But if I took part in it, I would sure have won, without a doubt!”
    "I would have won." No one really says "I would sure have won." (People used to say "I sure would have," but that's not something you hear outside of very old television programs or people failing to be subtle.)

    Also, Brawly, not Brawley.

    Brawly: “I was training afterwards…”
    No need for an ellipsis. He's stating a fact, so he's probably not trailing off after this.

    Randy: “I see. Okay, we need to go, good luck!”

    Brawly: “You too, dudes. See you tomorrow!”
    First off, I'm pretty sure Brawly doesn't say "dudes."

    Second, so… what was the point of having him come back into this scene? It seems rather unnecessary, and it doesn't add anything in particular to the story.


    Okay, so to tally it up, there's… a lot of issues, and as I've said both in this review and via PM, many of them would be solved if you did the following steps:

    1. Slow down and proofread a bit more carefully.
    2. Get a beta reader who's fluent in English.

    The second point is vital in your case because you run into a lot of errors you wouldn't normally see unless you were absolutely fluent with the language. There were, for example, those sentences I actually had to rephrase to guess at what they meant. Moreover, there were tense errors all over the place, and some of the dialogue sounded unnatural for a native speaker. A beta who's fluent in English would be able to help you iron those out.

    Moreover, there were just all kinds of errors in general concerning punctuation, spelling, phrasing (including redundancies), and more, and those tended to serve as major distractions to what was going on. (Yes, the last chapter had just as many awkward phrasings and language issues.) You really need to take your time here, especially considering the fact that you're not a native speaker. Yes, it will take a bit longer to work with a beta reader, but there's so many issues that it actually affected the way a lot of this read.

    Beyond that, you do a lot of telling instead of showing. As in, instead of giving us details as to what's going on, you tell us that an event happened or that a character is feeling a certain emotion. That doesn't quite work as well as showing us every detail of each attack or exactly how characters are physically reacting to their situations. I just didn't feel as drawn into the action as I could have been because a lot of the stage directions were just vague, even for stage directions.

    The pacing was also off, but I described that in better detail in the review proper.

    As for the rest, I'm a bit indifferent to this whole story. On the one hand, I'm a sucker for what-if stories or stories about side characters doing awesome things. Likewise, I can see that you've got potential in the creative department, just by looking at Max's battle strategies. (His battle against Roxanne, for example, showcased Max's ability to think on his feet and come up with interesting ways to solve problems. It's interesting that he mastered the spin technique on his own as well.)

    On the other, I also felt that Max's characterization was wooden at first (as in, he didn't seem like the Max I've watched in the show, just because his lines seemed like pretty generic "kid" lines, right down to the fact that he addressed his parents as "Mommy" and "Daddy" – something he never did in the show), and I feel like a lot of this shows signs of being just like a regular trainer fic. (Team Rocket even shows up to steal Pokémon instead of doing anything else. The only difference is that the token traveling partner is of the same gender as the main character.) I'm also not really connecting to Forrest, just because most of his character is all about, "Okay, so I'm going to talk about my past a lot and lament the fact that my last journey was so lonely." *shrug* The Pokémon aren't so bad, though.

    In short, it's difficult to say with this fic. I can tell you'll need a beta, and you show some promise in the creativity department. It's just that I feel like the main selling point of this fic is the fact that it expands on elements from the anime, but you're going to have to do a lot of work in order to take it to the next level.

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  3. #203
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    why is everyone so particular? his writing is fine, it doesn't need every single line analyzed.

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    Quote Originally Posted by OshaMijuWott View Post
    why is everyone so particular? his writing is fine, it doesn't need every single line analyzed.
    Because welcome to the writing forum. :|

    In the words of a respectable critic in a different field, "Kids turn up unrehearsed, wearing the wrong clothes, singing out of tune, and you can either say, 'Good job,' and patronize them or tell them the truth, and sometimes the truth is perceived as mean."

    The point is that the whole reason why anyone posts their work on a writing community is to get feedback, and a lot of people -- such as RealRaymon -- do it because they want to improve. To tell them "good job" when you know for certain that there are issues is to patronize them. They'll never know what they can improve on, and they'll never get better. However, if you can spot an error, it's your job as a reviewer to point it out (politely preferably) so that the author can go back and fix it to make their work better. As a reviewer, I looked at this fic and saw a lot of errors, so it would have been wrong of me to simply say, "Your writing is fine." Sorry to say, but it's not. It's not fine if I have to reword a sentence myself in order to get a possibility of what it actually means. It's not fine if I find an error in every line, and it's not fine if his characterization and pacing needs improvement. It can be fine if Real worked hard enough on fixing it up, though, and because of that I would only be patronizing to him if I told him there was nothing wrong with it.

    Furthermore, you can't possibly dictate to me how I feel about someone else's work, not just because it's not your work but also because the internet doesn't work like that. When you submit something online, you're automatically saying that you want the objective opinions of whoever's reading. Objective means that not everything you get as feedback will be positive. You're probably going to get negative reviews at first, and until you're willing to change and improve, you're going to have to suck it up or take your work elsewhere. That's just because, well, telling people how to feel about your fanfic is a lot like forcing people to feel a certain way about anything in real life. Imagine if I came to your house one day and told you you couldn't wear your favorite shirt anymore because you're supposed to hate it and that you can't eat your favorite food anymore because you're supposed to think it sucks. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't like that either.

    Well, that and he asked me to review exactly as I usually did in the first place, so there's that too.
    Last edited by JX Valentine; 18th August 2012 at 6:56 AM.

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  5. #205
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    Firstly.
    Quote Originally Posted by StarDestroyer View Post
    Good chapter. The battle between Forrest and Randy was intense and good. I also liked it that Squirtle became Mudkip's mentor and that Mudkip has to improve it's Water Gun. It was good that Max did on-screen training, since there hasn't been much of it.
    It's also good that gym battle will be soon, I can't wait to see it.
    Thank you)I'm glad you liked the battle and that Squirtle was mentor for Mudkip)
    Quote Originally Posted by PKMN Trainer Pat View Post
    Hi
    Loved the Bug Battle! I liked how you steered away from Max for a chapter or two and told the readers about Forrest's background.
    Keep up the brillant work!
    Hi!)Congratulations on postin the 200th post in my thread!)
    Thanks!)I'll try to keep it up)
    Quote Originally Posted by bobandbill View Post
    That I agree with, but that wasn't the point I was trying to make. I was talking specifically about the capitalisation - ie you had Bug Pokemon/type and later bug Pokemon/type. That's inconsistent; keep it to one or the other. It's like half the time saying Potion and the other half potion for instance, or Bulbasaur and bulbasaur in the same story; it doesn't make sense to have it both ways.

    Also you're still lacking in the spaces between names/dialogue and directions/descriptions (Max(To Randy): for instance; should be Max (To Randy) It might be tedious to fix but it would help a lot with the presentation; as said, every time there isn't that space (nearly every line or two) it's slightly distracting from the story.
    Yeah. Okay, I understood. From now on, I will be consistent in that.

    About the spaces...It is tedious to fix for me now...But I'll sure get rid of it later)

  6. #206
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    Aw, I wish he pick Mudkip, catch aggron,walrein, crobat,altaria,rhydon,etc.

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    Reading and commentimg as well.
    but the main issue I see here is the grammar and readability of the story. So I felt that it would be easier to take a look at this chapter in particular and go over everything I can with you in as much detail as possible to help you clean your work up.
    Okay, thanks)
    As bobandbill said, whenever you have a stage direction (thing in parentheses like this) right after a tag (the part that says who's speaking), you need a space in between the parentheses and the name.
    Undertood. But this ls a bit tedious to fix up, but I'll try later on)
    That said, there's a second problem with this line. What does "it" mean? There's several different possibilities here: Beautifly, Ledian, the battle between Forrest and Randy, some random shiny object we might not have been introduced to yet… Short of it is, you'll want to be specific when it comes to descriptions.
    Okay. I should have been more specific in this line.
    You don't need to say "tells it to come closer to him." The line of dialogue you give him here tells us that much already, so this stage direction ends up being redundant. Never use the stage directions to tell us what a character is saying. You can still use them to tell us that, for example, Max is looking at Taillow, but for everything else, rely on their speaking parts.
    Ok
    Since this is a battle between two flying Pokémon. "It" is vague, but "this" specifies that Max is talking about what's directly in front of him.
    Well, I am sorry, but I don't see much difference between "it" and "this". I know that "this" is more specific, but both variants are usable. And my tutors always told me about these two words being similar)
    Also, bobandbill mentioned this earlier, and it resurfaces here. You're rather inconsistent about the way you handle the names of types. Here, you don't capitalize "flying," but you capitalize "bug" the first time it's used in the last chapter. As bobandbill said, capitalize or don't capitalize, and stay consistent with the rule you set.
    Ok. But you don't need to repeat what bobandbill said. I understood it from the first time.
    An ellipsis tells a reader that what's being said is trailing off. As a result, this line reads as if Max isn't enthusiastic about the battle. Instead, try ending the sentence with a period or an exclamation point. That switches his tone to firm (in the case of a period) or excited (in the case of an exclamation point).
    In this line, Max said it with meaning of: "What are you still waiting for?" - meaning that they think too much time when they could start battling.
    First and foremost, "glowed" and "headed" should be "glows" and "heads." You're writing your stage directions in present tense (as if they're happening right now), not in past tense (as if they've happened in the past). Notice how verbs in your other directions end with S? That's how you can tell.
    Okay.
    Second, "light-blue" or "light blue." There is no such word as "lightblue."
    Okay.
    Third, you'll need a comma after "light blue." The reason why is because this is a compound sentence. Here's a trick: replace the conjunction (and, but, or, for, nor, yet, so) with a period. If you get two separate, complete sentences as a result, you have a compound that needs a comma. It's only when you end up with a single complete sentence and a fragment that doesn't make sense on its own that you need to drop the comma.
    I have to admit, that your grammar is better than mine(but it's not surprising at all)
    Fifth, punctuate this stage direction with a period between "Butterfree" and the closing parenthesis. It's a complete sentence.
    Somebody gave me a link to a "script writing format" site. I read there that I don't need to put a period between the last word and the closing parenthesis. So, I won't do that, as I prefer it my way.
    Again, punctuate the end of these stage directions with a period.
    The same here.
    Moreover, "two attacks," not "two attack." Two indicates that there was more than one attack, so you'll need the plural form.
    I know about that, I've just miscklicked
    Lastly, if you were punched in the gut (or anywhere else), you'll probably not be doing anything gracefully. Be careful and think hard about how attacks might affect Pokémon because even if it's early in the battle, a living being would be able to feel the right hit in the right location.
    Pokemon are not living beings, they are imaginary creatures, so I can write that as I like)
    I would suggest "your secret attack" instead of "the secret attack." It just reads rather oddly otherwise, as if it's a general secret attack, rather than a secret attack belonging specifically to Ledian.
    For Ledian it is not a secret attack, it is secret for Forrest

    Whew......wow, your reviw is huge.
    All in all, thank you, but
    Also, yes, boulder, not bolder. "Bolder" means "stronger"; "boulder" is a large rock. Beware of homophones. (A beta would help you with that.)
    I miscklicked once again . I know the spelling of the words, really. About the beta reader. Just no. It is my, and only my fic. And I want to improve by myself.

    First off, I'm pretty sure Brawly doesn't say "dudes."
    I am sure that he does. In the anime he does so.
    1. Slow down and proofread a bit more carefully.
    2. Get a beta reader who's fluent in English.
    1.Ok.
    2.No. I am fluent in it, believe it or not. I can express anything that I want even to the native speakers.

    You know what, I think that you passed all of your English Exams on "A" mark.Feel the difference, you are the native speaker, I am not. So, you are always a step ahead from me and demanding from me to know and write like you...is a little bit crazy I think)You may be distracted by punctuations and a little misclicks, but mostly all my readers understand me)That's what I need

    "Your writing is fine." Sorry to say, but it's not. It's not fine if...
    If you are the excelent and fluent English-speaker that I will NEVER be. Even people who live in the UK, or USA for 10-20 years can't speak and, furthermore, write like native. It is without a doubt. So, I hope you'll understand it.
    The most important thing for me -Is that my plot is understood by all the readers and that my dear readers support me) I write it just for fun, but you seem to take it oo seriously. Tastes differ, you know.

    Anyway, thank you very much for your time and comment. You helped a lot, and I'll try to improve!)Just don't expect me to write and speak English like you
    And I hope you'll see improvements in the next Chapter!)
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 18th August 2012 at 4:05 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by brendan25 View Post
    Aw, I wish he pick Mudkip, catch aggron,walrein, crobat,altaria,rhydon,etc.
    He has a Mudkip)
    About further catches, just read and you'll see who will Max catch

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    Quote Originally Posted by RealRaymon View Post
    He has a Mudkip)
    About further catches, just read and you'll see who will Max catch
    I see some of your words like this has a close parenthesis He has Mudkip), Please Stop putting Close Parenthesis ).

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    It is a smile. I am always kind to my readers.

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    I enjoyed the intense battle between Ledian and Butterfree. Also good to see the Pokemon training. I can't wait for the gym battle between Max and Brawly in the next chapter.
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    The battle between Ledian and Butterfree was intense and awesome :P

    Great chapter overall.
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    Quote Originally Posted by RealRaymon View Post
    Well, I am sorry, but I don't see much difference between "it" and "this". I know that "this" is more specific, but both variants are usable. And my tutors always told me about these two words being similar)
    There's times and places when one is usable while the other isn't. For example, you want to be more specific in this case, so you need "this," not "it." Really, there's nuances of language that you just have to be aware of, and that's something a good tutor will tell you. (I know my language teachers would always tell me to be careful about word choice. Then again, I was also taking Italian and Spanish, which are heavy on nuances, but... that's beside the point.)

    Ok. But you don't need to repeat what bobandbill said. I understood it from the first time.
    Considering you made the exact same mistake throughout the chapter directly after the review in which he pointed it out, I was inclined to believe you didn't understand. If you understood, you should have written the next chapter (or at least edited it) with bobandbill's point in mind.

    In this line, Max said it with meaning of: "What are you still waiting for?" - meaning that they think too much time when they could start battling.
    That still doesn't mean that you should have an ellipsis there. He's stating something, not trailing off as if he's uncertain of what he's saying.

    I have to admit, that your grammar is better than mine(but it's not surprising at all)
    Thank you, but…

    Somebody gave me a link to a "script writing format" site. I read there that I don't need to put a period between the last word and the closing parenthesis. So, I won't do that, as I prefer it my way.
    …Why are you complimenting me on my grammar just before blowing me off? :|

    You tend to do this a lot. Compliment or a thank you just before a line in which you blow me off. Sorry to say, but the thanks and the compliments become rather hollow to me when that happens, and having dealt with many English speakers who would do things like say they're "soooooo nice " but then patronize the crap out of people who disagree with them, I'm just going to say outright that those kinds of shenanigans don't work on me and actually make me judge those people a little. If you want to be nice to your readers, that's great, but you're going to have to do so by showing them that you're gracious via not blowing them off.

    That being said, I'd like to see this link because in script formatting, you do punctuate full sentences with periods. Of course, in script formatting, you also do a lot of things you're not doing here, but that's beside the point.

    I know about that, I've just miscklicked
    If you "misclicked" (made a typo – "misclicked" is not a word), then why didn't you correct it in the proofreading process?

    Pokemon are not living beings, they are imaginary creatures, so I can write that as I like)
    Uh, no. A good writer is someone who understands that all characters must be treated and must react as if they're living beings. That writer thinks logically about how each character would react to every situation based on their personality and their biology. Doing so helps them to create drama and tension (in a fight scene, anyway) or at least helps them remember characters' limitations.

    So in short while Pokémon aren't real, you should – as a writer – be thinking about how they would react as if they were. Otherwise, your battles start to lack something because the stakes aren't going to be that high. Even in the anime, the writers keep this in mind on a level because Pokémon do get hurt, and they do show it.

    For Ledian it is not a secret attack, it is secret for Forrest
    Then you've just proven my point. You need to specify that it's Forrest's secret attack, not a generic one or Ledian's.

    (But even then, considering the fact that Ledian is the one executing it, the attack is partially its as well.)

    Whew......wow, your reviw is huge.
    Weeeeellll… yeah. But that's how I always review anyway. Sorry about that.

    I miscklicked once again . I know the spelling of the words, really.
    Again, if you made a typo, then why didn't you fix it in the proofreading process?

    About the beta reader. Just no. It is my, and only my fic.
    Then you'll never really get better. A beta reader is basically a reviewer who goes over your work and teaches you different points about how to fix things on your own before you post. If you rely on your reviewers to do it, your reviewers will get turned off because they'll have to point out the same thing over and over again. A beta reader does not write the story for you. They only review your work before you post it.

    Every good writer has one, actually, even English speakers. I have one (and actually went through several). bobandbill had one for his main fic. Most of the writing big-name fans have one. There's no stigma about it, really; if anything, people will look a little more highly at your fic if you say you do use one.

    I am sure that he does. In the anime he does so.
    Not that I recall, honestly.

    2.No. I am fluent in it, believe it or not. I can express anything that I want even to the native speakers.
    If your story required me to reword sentences physically in order to guess what you meant, you are not showing me that you are fluent in the language, and that's what's important. You can tell me that you're fluent in review responses all you want, but it doesn't mean a thing if your readers have to work out errors that a fluent beta would have caught and corrected. Throughout this fic, I've seen evidence that you need to proofread harder and get someone to look over your work. You create errors in your writing that you would most likely never see because you're not native (nuances such as the difference between "it" and "this"), and if you didn't need a beta reader, you would have already corrected these errors in the proofreading stage.

    You know what, I think that you passed all of your English Exams on "A" mark.
    Thank you.

    Doesn't stop me from thinking you're going to need a beta, however. (In fact, the way you phrased this sort of makes me think you do, considering it's not quite the way an English-speaker would phrase things naturally.)

    demanding from me to know and write like you...is a little bit crazy I think)
    This is what I meant in my PM to you. You ask for help and feedback, but you blow off the reviewers who give you concrit.

    Tip: You can be a non-native speaker and still write well. Dragonfree is one of the best writers in our fandom. Her native language? Icelandic. Saying that I'm being demanding when I ask you to write with decent grammar and add in detail is not only disrespectful to me but also unreasonable on your end. A reviewer's job, as I've said earlier, is to point out errors. So far, you've gotten one-liner reviews that are praising you just because you're playing on a gimmick. You've even complained about these reviews yourself. Yet, whenever someone comes along to correct you and help you out, you throw their tips back in their faces because you think you write decently enough. That is not how reviewing works.

    You may be distracted by punctuations and a little misclicks, but mostly all my readers understand me)That's what I need
    Yeah, uh, Real? You asked me to review. You had the ability to go back through my posting history and find out more about my reviewing style (what I point out, how long I go on, and so forth). If you didn't want me to point out what I normally do, why did you just waste my time by asking me to review? What did you think I was going to do? Validate you with an empty, all-praise comment just because I'm, in your words in the request you made to me, "a really good reviewer"? No. You have to work to get a positive review from me.

    If you are the excelent and fluent English-speaker that I will NEVER be. Even people who live in the UK, or USA for 10-20 years can't speak and, furthermore, write like native. It is without a doubt. So, I hope you'll understand it.
    Bluntly put, I have no idea what you're trying to say here. Do you mean that I should suck it up and like your story despite the fact that I don't think it's that great (grammatically and in terms of plot, pacing, and characterization)?

    Not to mention didn't you say earlier in this response that you're fluent anyway? So… you admit that you're not fluent and that you do qualify for a beta reader?

    The most important thing for me -Is that my plot is understood by all the readers and that my dear readers support me)
    *raises hand* I don't support you, and your plot and pacing need work.

    I write it just for fun, but you seem to take it oo seriously. Tastes differ, you know.
    Again, welcome to a writing community. Writing for fun is all fine and dandy, but as I've said, the moment you post, you're no longer writing just for yourself. Other people click your work to read for fun, and if it becomes work for them because you riddle your fic with errors and have problems with characterization, plot, and pacing, then it's not going to be fun. So far, you've gotten two types of reviews: people who have been thorough with you and the people who have given you one-liner praise because they're buying into the fact that you're writing about the anime. If you want praise all around, you're going to have to put in a bit more effort to clean up your story.

    That and, sorry to say, this is the sort of an excuse a lazy writer puts out. Yes, writing fanfiction is just for fun, but you still have to care about what you're doing. Caring would involve proofreading and generally wanting to improve your work to make it more enjoyable for readers. You can write well despite the fact that English isn't your first language, and you can work out all of the extremely simple errors you're making. If you don't, then you show you don't care, and if you don't care, why should readers who won't spew one-liners waste their time with you?

    Also, you asked me to review.

    Anyway, thank you very much for your time and comment. You helped a lot, and I'll try to improve!)Just don't expect me to write and speak English like you
    *motions to Dragonfree* There's no reason why you can't.

    Moreover, thanking me and being polite now won't erase the fact that you've just disrespected me and blown off a lot of my advice. I have no reason to believe that I won't have to point out the same exact errors that I saw thus far when I review the next chapter. Moreover, I have no reason to believe that you're going to respond to most of my review again with "you take this too seriously," "I can't write as well as you do despite the fact that I'm definitely fluent," and "I'll write this how I want (and ignore this point you made)."

    As I've said to you via PM, there's a difference between a good and bad response to a review. A good response would be to take advice graciously by showing a reviewer at all times that you're taking their advice into consideration (and no, just saying "thank you" isn't enough if you blow off the reviewer a line later). A bad response involves making excuses (like the one where you won't write as well as I do, so you shouldn't listen to my grammar advice), blowing off a reviewer (saying that all your other reviewers gave you positive responses, so you don't have to listen to what that one says), and being rather unwelcoming to them (by telling them outright that they're taking things too seriously and that they have no right to tell you what to do). When you post your work online, you're going to get negative reviews if your fic doesn't do enough to distract a reader from its problems. That's just something you'll have to deal with until you improve. Your fic didn't do enough to distract me from its problems, so you got this kind of review. It's unreasonable to say a reader should ignore a story's problems because it's not their job. Their job is to sit back, relax, and enjoy a story, but they can't if you're not doing your job as a storyteller by working out all the problems your work has. Unless, of course, they're one-liner reviewers. Remember that analogy involving the road that I sent to you via PM?

    That being said, again, you asked me to review your work. It sends a bad message (read: makes you look like an egotistical author) if you ask someone like me to review but end up surprised when they tell you about all its problems. Why would you ask me to review and then try to force me to feel a certain way about your work? Did you not know before you asked me that I'm a thorough and hard reviewer, or did you actually think that I would adore your work despite the fact that you're conscious of many of its simpler errors? I just need to know which one it is so I can decide what level of annoyed I should be right now.

    And I hope you'll see improvements in the next Chapter!)
    I won't because I have no reason to come back. o> Don't ask me to review again until you improve that attitude towards constructive criticism. Sorry to be so blunt, but I don't particularly appreciate it if I find out I just spent an hour of my time reviewing someone whose response is, "Almost all of your review is moot because I like doing things my way/I will never be good at language anyway/lol y so srs."
    Last edited by JX Valentine; 18th August 2012 at 5:53 PM.

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  14. #214
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    Quote Originally Posted by JX Valentine View Post
    I won't because I have no reason to come back.
    well...This is sad

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    I agree with PKMN Trainer Pat. I also liked how they were almost the same skill level and thats what made it a great battle!

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    Quote Originally Posted by momomon View Post
    I agree with PKMN Trainer Pat. I also liked how they were almost the same skill level and thats what made it a great battle!
    Thanks, and the gym battle will be even more exciting!

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    Thanks to JX Valentine, I will change my writing a bit and I am going to make my chapter longer. So, the full gym battle is coming next!
    I would also slow down a bit and I would really check my grammar, so even native speakers will enloy reading my fic
    But I've already thought how the battle will go, and I can tell you that it would be reallynexciting and unexpected!

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    Nice chapters! I especially enjoyed the one about Forrest because it was really different, you should do more like that!
    Can't wait for the gym battle

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    Quote Originally Posted by TheSirPeras View Post
    Nice chapters! I especially enjoyed the one about Forrest because it was really different, you should do more like that!
    Can't wait for the gym battle
    Thanks! I will make the gym battle great!)

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    I just finished Chapter 6. I still need to catch up.
    But the chapters were great! I enjoy the!
    The quiz was fun to do and I hope the next chapters have more stuff!

    "If someone tells me it's wrong to hope, I will tell them they're wrong every time. I could tell them that countless times" -Madoka Kaname

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    Quote Originally Posted by Dawn and Piplup View Post
    I just finished Chapter 6. I still need to catch up.
    But the chapters were great! I enjoy the!
    The quiz was fun to do and I hope the next chapters have more stuff!
    I guess you'll have the time to catch up as my new chapter will be ready at least tomorrow, maybe later
    I am glad you enjoyed my quiz
    If it is not a secret, what questions did you answer wrong?

    P.S. For you next chapters are the gym ones, I hope you'll like them!

  22. #222

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    hey there! I've read all your chapters and i think the plot is great, I love the use of Max as the main character and the way his friends have began to take center stage recently (somethng that was missing at the start, and more of would be fab!) the only big issue, as has been previously mentioned, is the grammar and consistancy. However, as a native brit i can assure you that most English people (myself included) don't speak/write properly.
    There are several questions i have about the direction of the story but I'll only include a few and wait to see if the rest are answered:
    1. Will Max be having a set team of 6, or a rotation team like Ash originally had,and now has in unova
    2. Will you be adding towns/cities not previously seen in the anime/game as is often done to add your own stamp on the hoenn region (this would be a great journey into your imagination and will probably be fun for you to write)
    So overall,keep up the good work I'm enjoying the journey
    Everything seems normal, with Joe and Adam venturing on their quest through Kanto, but what is the mysterious Team Storm planning?

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    This chapter was better then I expected!
    Well firstly I like the way you detail the attacks and hits, its like reading the anime!
    I like the way you show Max training his pokemon and trying to improve them in battle, again like the anime.
    I have a suggestion, that you could use people that witnessing the battle to comment on the attacks hit and show that they're into the battle like Ash's friends did. I'm also very curios to the reply you gave me on Max having companions.
    I can't wait for the gym battle! I Hope its like the last.

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    Quote Originally Posted by infernape100 View Post
    hey there! I've read all your chapters and i think the plot is great, I love the use of Max as the main character and the way his friends have began to take center stage recently (somethng that was missing at the start, and more of would be fab!) the only big issue, as has been previously mentioned, is the grammar and consistancy. However, as a native brit i can assure you that most English people (myself included) don't speak/write properly.
    There are several questions i have about the direction of the story but I'll only include a few and wait to see if the rest are answered:
    1. Will Max be having a set team of 6, or a rotation team like Ash originally had,and now has in unova
    2. Will you be adding towns/cities not previously seen in the anime/game as is often done to add your own stamp on the hoenn region (this would be a great journey into your imagination and will probably be fun for you to write)
    So overall,keep up the good work I'm enjoying the journey
    Thanks)I really like that you enjoyed the plot and my story
    Before me answering the questions, answer mine.
    What do you mean by a consistancy?
    About the grammar, I promised one person that I will try to improve it)
    Now, your questions:
    1)Max will have a set team of 6(I know the 5 Pokemon Max will have by now, still thinking about the 6th), You know, it is near impossible to give enough time to 10 Pokemon, even writers can't do it with Ash's team
    2)I don't know yet, but if I'll add new towns/cities, there won't be much of them. I am not good at it

    So, thank you and I hope you'll keep reading it!
    Quote Originally Posted by Ash&Pikachu-Fan View Post
    This chapter was better then I expected!
    Well firstly I like the way you detail the attacks and hits, its like reading the anime!
    I like the way you show Max training his pokemon and trying to improve them in battle, again like the anime.

    I have a suggestion, that you could use people that witnessing the battle to comment on the attacks hit and show that they're into the battle like Ash's friends did. I'm also very curious to the reply you gave me on Max having companions.
    I can't wait for the gym battle! I Hope its like the last.
    Thanks!)
    Well, I'll try to add some of them.
    You'll see soon what I mean)
    The gym battle will be even better!
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 20th August 2012 at 12:12 AM.

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    Consistency is keeping details, such as terms, writing style and appearance, the same throughout the story. For example, it wouldn't make sense to write a Starly as saying its name in one chapter, then chirping like a bird in another; or writing a character who has black hair in their first appearance that suddenly is referred to as blonde. That's the jist of it. I think they are referring to the different capitalisation and hyphening of Bug Pokemon that was mentioned earlier.

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