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Thread: Emory in Viridian

  1. #1
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    Default Emory in Viridian

    It's been a few years since I've been here, but I was checking out the forums to find an old fic to show a friend, and decided I should post a couple of my new ones. One of them ended up being too short (link to that on another site in my signature), but this is the longer of my two new pieces. Depending on how it's received, I might try my hand at some of my other more realistic takes on various aspects of the Pokemon world.

    In short, it's a more realistic take on your average trainer moving through Viridian Forest shortly after having left home in Pallet Town. Enjoy, and critique as hard as you'd like.

    EDIT: Wow, I knew this was short but now that it's posted it looks even shorter than anticipated. Hopefully it's a case of the quality of the words being better than the quantity.
    ---
    Emory glared as menacingly as his soft features would allow. This was his first ever battle and he intended to win. The little worm rearing its spiked head across from him stood no chance against him and his new partner.

    This was Emory's tenth birthday, so naturally it was the day he got to begin his grand adventure. He had woken up early and gotten ready all by himself for the first time. It felt like he had waited forever to be ten so he could finally go out and explore the world on his own! He ran downstairs to find a huge breakfast waiting for him on the table. His mom had made his favorite morning meal, blueberry pancakes, along with bacon and eggs and a big glass of milk. He didn't really like milk, but he had promised his mom he would start drinking some milk at least three times a week after he left so that he could have strong bones to travel with. After he finished his breakfast, Emory gave his mom a big hug and put on his new backpack that was already filled with supplies. Then, he was off to see the professor and choose his first pokémon partner.

    When he got to the professor's lab, there were two pokémon for him to choose from: a squirtle and a bulbasaur. He was really glad his parents had been able to save up enough money so that he could pick on the special starter pokémon. Most kids had to settle with something more simple, like a mankey or a jigglypuff or even a ratata. Emory didn't waste a moment picking his pokémon; he had decided days ago. He happily told the professor he wanted a bublasaur. Bulbasaur was green--his favorite color--and had a weird flower bud sprouting out of its back. Finally, it was time for him to head out.

    It didn't take very long to reach Viridian Forest, but it was taking forever to get through it. The trees were so thick that it was dark pretty much all the time, which made it very easy to get lost. Emory was getting really tired, but he just knew that he was almost to Viridian City, so he refused to stop. That was when he had encountered the weedle. Now, he and Bulba were facing their first challenge, deep in the heart of the forboding Viridian Forest. Would they come out victorious? Or fall in agonizing defeat to the ferocious predator before them? Emory shook the action movie thoughts out of his head and tried to remember what attacks bulbasaur knew.

    "Bulba! Use, um...uh...tackle! Use tackle!" Emory shouted. Bulba hesitated briefly, then charged headlong at the weedle. Just before the two collided, the weedle dove to the side and covered Bulba in a torrent of string shot. Bulba thrashed wildly, trying to free himself, but wasn't making much progress. Worried, Emory rushed to him and began tearing at the strings. "C'mon, boy, you gotta get out and fight! You can do it!" However, instead of managing to free Bulba, Emory only succeeded in getting himself tangled up alongside Bulba.

    As the two continued to struggle, the weedle approached to take advantage of its bound opponents. It quickly reared back and drove it's sharp horn into Emory's thigh. As Emory screamed it pain, the weedle proceeded to viciously attack Bulba. Within moments, the attack was over, and the weedle was retreating back into the woods. However, the pain coursing through his leg left Emory unable to free himself, and Bubla didn't seem to be moving at all anymore.

    The pain continued pulsing through Emory, moving slowly up his leg into his chest. He cotinued struggling against what remained of the string shot, but to no avail. If he was poisoned, he had to reach the antidote in his backpack, but if he couldn't break free of the string he would never do that. Suddenly, he had an idea. Maybe Bulba could reach it! "Bulba! Bulba wake up! Bulba! You have to open my backpack, Bulba!" No response. Emory continued screaming Bulba's name until he broke down into tears. There was nothing he could do, and the pain hurt so much. He just wanted to get free and go home; he didn't want to be a pokémon trainer anymore. He didn't care about any of that, he just wanted to go home and see his mommy again.

    Eventually, Emory blacked out.

    I remember when "The Authors' Cafe" was still "The Author's Cafe".
    Scrap, purple_drake, Ryano Ra, and Burnt Flower are my fanfic idols.


    --fics--
    NEW:Emory In Viridian- A more realistic spin on a new trainer trekking through Viridian Forest. [one-shot]
    NEW:Pallet Evening News [on DeviantArt and not Serebii due to short length] - A disturbing report from Pallet Town's evening news concerning three new trainers. [one-shot]
    Tómur -Dark contemplations of an undisclosed Pokemon about nothingness and the end. [one-shot]
    The Traveler - A lonely traveler encounters a malevolent pokemon during the night on Route 8. [one-shot]
    Redead - A Redead's perspective on its own life. [Legend of Zelda one-shot]

    More at my DeviantArt



  2. #2

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    Here for the game here:

    Pacing- I felt that it was too fast to be honest. The trainer just basically just went from leaving his home to magically showing up at the professor's lab. If you didn't want to show him walking to the lab, you can always put a --- between the paragraphs. Otherwise, say that he was so excited, he was running along the path, and didn't care if he was out of breath.

    Other- The one thing I liked about this fic was that it ended in the trainer not wanting to be a Pokemon trainer. He still cared for his bulbasour, but knowing how hard it was to actually go out there and train seemed like it was too much for him. This is a first and it shows originality compared to other trainer fics. That's what I am getting.

    Relationships; speaking of that...The relationship between the boy in his Pokemon was good on average. Sure he was excited when he got it and was concerned when he was hurt. If the trainer still wanted to continue his journey, I could defiantly see them being really good friends in the end based on what I read.

    Characters; The character at the start felt a little average. He felt like he was just like any other 10 year older trainer people would write about. He gets up and he's off on his journey. I couldn't really get a good grasp on his personality until the end. It showed that he was still young and had ALOT to learn about being a Pokemon trainer and that's good characterization. To me that is.

    Other than that, with some dialogue, thoughts and some more description (believe me I have a very hard time with showing not telling) I can see this being a really good fic.
    Last edited by はるひ; 6th August 2012 at 11:37 PM.
    岩根雅明=♡

  3. #3
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    He was really glad his parents had been able to save up enough money so that he could pick on the special starter pokémon.
    *ONE of the special...

    That was the only error of any sort that I noticed.

    The story was interesting, but I would have loved for it to be longer. I think you could have written a short (but chaptered) story about this scenario: Emory's life the night before his birthday and his deciding upon Bulbasaur; Emory's morning and maybe the fact that he was so full of butterflies that he couldn't enjoy the blueberry pancakes as much as usual; Emory's visit to Viridian City; and then, finally, Emory in Viridian Forest. You could have made a whole 3 or 4 chapter upbeat story that finally led to the tragic ending. It works as a short story, but I don't think the ending was as much of a shock as it could have been because there wasn't as much build-up.

    The last paragraph was the payload; the whole bit with Emory being in agony and wanting to just go home and forget the whole life as a pokemon trainer was heartbreakingly torturous. Again, though, I'd have liked more detail. What else was going through his mind? How badly was the poison affecting him? Nausea? Fever? Burning pain? I'd have enjoyed a bigger description of his agony (well, as much as I'd "enjoy" Emory's suffering, that is ). It's even a tragically sad image of Bulbasaur being unconscious and unable to help. Is he just fainted? Is he dead? The reader is left struggling with that (but in a good way), and it's a sad potential image of Bulba waking up from its injuries to find itself bound in silk to a dead trainer. Ugh. I just gave myself chills.

    Bulbasaur was green--his favorite color--and had a weird flower bud sprouting out of its back.
    This line was weird to me; we get so little info and description in this story, but you do give the reader a description of Bulba? We already know what Bulbasaurs look like. Not that that single line took much effort or energy, but I'd have rather seen more details of Emory's morning or road to the forest than I needed a description of a Bulbasaur.

    I do think the story is good, and--like I said--the last paragraph is especially nice, but there is a LOT more you could have done. There was a lack of overall description and not a lot of actual story. I'd love to see something longer on your next project.

    OH! Another thing I particularly enjoyed: the idea of the "starter" pokemon costing more. Pokemon is often treated as an almost idealistic, socialist society, and it's interesting to see an aspect of capitalism and differences in class spring up. That's another aspect I'd love to have seen more of if the story had been more in-depth.


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  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    Here for the game here:

    Pacing- I felt that it was too fast to be honest. The trainer just basically just went from leaving his home to magically showing up at the professor's lab. If you didn't want to show him walking to the lab, you can always put a --- between the paragraphs. Otherwise, say that he was so excited, he was running along the path, and didn't care if he was out of breath.
    This doesn't surprise me, considering how short this was. I'll definitely look at not ignoring the transitions. It would add some much-needed length to this as well.

    Other- The one thing I liked about this fic was that it ended in the trainer not wanting to be a Pokemon trainer. He still cared for his bulbasour, but knowing how hard it was to actually go out there and train seemed like it was too much for him. This is a first and it shows originality compared to other trainer fics. That's what I am getting.
    You interpreted the ending a little differently than I intended, which isn't bad, but now I'm debating whether to try and rework it a tad to indicate more strongly what I had in mind when writing it (they both die), or to leave it in it's current, more ambiguous form.

    Relationships; speaking of that...The relationship between the boy in his Pokemon was good on average. Sure he was excited when he got it and was concerned when he was hurt. If the trainer still wanted to continue his journey, I could defiantly see them being really good friends in the end based on what I read.
    I think that's about right. There really shouldn't be much of a relationship between them at this point. It's basically a kid with a new puppy along with the distraction of running out into the world. Well, that's how it was in my head when writing it. As I was typing this reply it occurred to me that I have the gap between Pallet and Viridian, as well as time in Viridian itself (when I wrote this I mistakenly put the forest between Pallet and Viridian in my head, which took out almost all of the intermediate travel).

    Characters; The character at the start felt a little average. He felt like he was just like any other 10 year older trainer people would write about. He gets up and he's off on his journey. I couldn't really get a good grasp on his personality until the end. It showed that he was still young and had ALOT to learn about being a Pokemon trainer and that's good characterization. To me that is.
    "just like any other 10 year older trainer people would write about" - That's exactly what I was aiming for. Emory wasn't anyone special, he was just an average, boring, 10 year old kid. Making him average was to emphasize that this could happen to any of them.

    Other than that, with some dialogue, thoughts and some more description (believe me I have a very hard time with showing not telling) I can see this being a really good fic.
    Dialogue...the bane of my writing. Never have been particularly good with it, IMO, but I'll keep that in mind. Thank you very much for your review!

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    *ONE of the special...

    That was the only error of any sort that I noticed.
    Haha, I love what the error makes that sentence mean. *goes away to fix it, chuckling the whole time*

    The story was interesting, but I would have loved for it to be longer. I think you could have written a short (but chaptered) story about this scenario: Emory's life the night before his birthday and his deciding upon Bulbasaur; Emory's morning and maybe the fact that he was so full of butterflies that he couldn't enjoy the blueberry pancakes as much as usual; Emory's visit to Viridian City; and then, finally, Emory in Viridian Forest. You could have made a whole 3 or 4 chapter upbeat story that finally led to the tragic ending. It works as a short story, but I don't think the ending was as much of a shock as it could have been because there wasn't as much build-up.
    Now that I remember that Viridian Forest is past Viridian city (when I wrote this I was thinking it was before) this sounds like a good idea. Also, writing a shot chaptered story like that will make a good exercise for me to try and expand beyond one-shots. I've wanted to do longer stories for a while now but never really had the drive to do so; it never occurred to me to just do something with a small number of chapters.

    The last paragraph was the payload; the whole bit with Emory being in agony and wanting to just go home and forget the whole life as a pokemon trainer was heartbreakingly torturous.
    Good. I did my job there then.

    Again, though, I'd have liked more detail. What else was going through his mind? How badly was the poison affecting him? Nausea? Fever? Burning pain? I'd have enjoyed a bigger description of his agony (well, as much as I'd "enjoy" Emory's suffering, that is ).
    Better description of the poison would definitely help here, thanks for that suggestion. I have a tendency to get a bit flowery and wordy with my writing, so in my recent prose I've been aiming for succinctness. I'm pretty sure I nailed succinct here, but probably to a fault lol. As to what else was going through Emory's mind: probably nothing else. He's not considering the fact that he's going to die (though maybe he should, or at least think about being "stuck there forever". I don't want to sacrifice much childhood/young innocence by having him have many dark thoughts here, but if I do it well, I might be able to reemphasize that innocence with some additional last thoughts.

    It's even a tragically sad image of Bulbasaur being unconscious and unable to help. Is he just fainted? Is he dead? The reader is left struggling with that (but in a good way), and it's a sad potential image of Bulba waking up from its injuries to find itself bound in silk to a dead trainer. Ugh. I just gave myself chills.
    And think, if Bulba is somehow only fainted (unlikely, given the torrent of blows the weedle dealt him), when he wakes up he'll be just as stuck and still very injured. Thus, he'd likely be unable to free himself, and would have to starve to death or wait to be stumbled upon by someone else (who might turn out to be a predatory pokemon).


    This line was weird to me; we get so little info and description in this story, but you do give the reader a description of Bulba? We already know what Bulbasaurs look like. Not that that single line took much effort or energy, but I'd have rather seen more details of Emory's morning or road to the forest than I needed a description of a Bulbasaur.
    When I wrote this, I wasn't frequenting anything Pokemon related, and had no intention of posting the story here, so I wanted to make sure to have a little something in there for people who might find this on my DeviantArt page who potentially wouldn't know as much about Pokemon. Regardless, your point about how the rest of the story lacks this kind of description/details still stands.

    OH! Another thing I particularly enjoyed: the idea of the "starter" pokemon costing more. Pokemon is often treated as an almost idealistic, socialist society, and it's interesting to see an aspect of capitalism and differences in class spring up. That's another aspect I'd love to have seen more of if the story had been more in-depth.
    Almost everything about the beginning moments of Pokemon games bother me. It makes no sense they give little children these rare pokemon, which is why I added that bit about the starters. Also, I've never thought it was a good idea to send a 10-year-old out into the world on his own like that. Both this piece and my "Pallet Evening News" piece focus on just how unsafe of a world it is for them. That's also partly why I chose weedle over having him encounter something more menacing, like a swarm of beedrill. I wanted something laughably weak to kill him.

    Thanks a ton for the review, Sid. This actually has me quite interested in reworking this entire piece now.

    EDIT: Fun fact: This post has almost twice as many words as the story itself.
    Last edited by SnoringFrog; 7th August 2012 at 7:39 AM.

    I remember when "The Authors' Cafe" was still "The Author's Cafe".
    Scrap, purple_drake, Ryano Ra, and Burnt Flower are my fanfic idols.


    --fics--
    NEW:Emory In Viridian- A more realistic spin on a new trainer trekking through Viridian Forest. [one-shot]
    NEW:Pallet Evening News [on DeviantArt and not Serebii due to short length] - A disturbing report from Pallet Town's evening news concerning three new trainers. [one-shot]
    Tómur -Dark contemplations of an undisclosed Pokemon about nothingness and the end. [one-shot]
    The Traveler - A lonely traveler encounters a malevolent pokemon during the night on Route 8. [one-shot]
    Redead - A Redead's perspective on its own life. [Legend of Zelda one-shot]

    More at my DeviantArt



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