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Thread: Cheating Mayflower[PG13][ContestShipping]

  1. #1
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    Default Cheating Mayflower[PG13][ContestShipping]

    Alright then. Hello again. I am back with something I am writing on a mere whim, and wanted to see whether people may like this. I'll post a proper explanation, since my brain is nearly fried after typing this up almost rapidly. Anyways, here it is. Rate/Review/Criticise/Praise please and thank you!


    Cheating Mayflower [PG13][ContestShipping] PG13 due to language in parts.

    May glanced around the rusty bus, which was pretty much as ancient as her mother, that swung in a lully manner.The seats were stained with some rust, but some metal stuck out of the rust like a sore thumb. The bus was utter trash, but it would have to make do, since rain and wind thundered down onto the rusted-scrap-on-wheels. The bus travel system...it had been around in Hoenn for years before May was born, but bus travel in Johto was older. No-one ever really payed much for bus repair, so buses got, more or less, old and rusty. But history of buses is another story.

    May was still breathing deeply after running madly to board the bus. It didn't help her with the rain and puddles littered on the floor. Rain was Hoenn's incarnation of litter, in all honesty. Her leggings were soaked up to the point of, well, drowning, and her coat was heavily soaked as well. Certainly made her cold inside and outside, contrary to her normal self. She began rooting through her back, making sure she didn't drop anything like her purse or her make up while dashing...fortunately, she had everything.
    "This is the last stop of the night, Cherrygrove City. All of your belongings must be removed from the bus in the next 30 seconds, otherwise they will be dumped." Came the announcement from the bus driver. It was funny how he said that, and May was the only one on the bus. Still, penny coins and small carrier bags littered the floor.
    "Thank you for the bus ride." May spoke, before slowly hopping off of the red painted bus, with more rust infecting it on the paint.

    At this point, May was quite moody with her day. Drew argued with her over such a little thing, and her boss really annoyed her. What was to come, wasn't an improvement.
    A brief lesson, first. Drew was her newly married husband, and they only set out to Nimbasa City three weeks ago. They had returned a week after, and May was forced to work hard at...work. Their new marriage became riddle with arguments, and Drew tried to make it up to her with a little "Mr. Romantic" thing, if you know what that means...
    Well, it didn't help the duo much, that can be said.

    May thought long and hard about this while making the little walk to her (shared) home. 'Is it worth it anymore?' Such thoughts flummoxed her mind with deep consequences on her feelings. Strangely, as she approached her house, only one light in the house was on. And it was the bedroom light. Drew was there...and another person lay on top of him...May realised what could be going on. "Oh that little ****!" She grew extremely angry and upset, but she knew sometimes, it could be a mistaken thing. She opened the door with such quiet and such little noise. She came in, taking care to make little noise, and heard some disturbing sounds from the room. "Arghh...I am going to batter that ***** in that room with him!" She glanced around first, making sure things were fine physically. The blue wallpaper that clung to the walls in clean sheets was perfectly fine, the golden lights (and the golden lightshades) had been shook a little, but remained stable. May stood still for a moment, and slumped in the corner for a minute. "Why...I know what he's done...H-he's gone and ch-cheated on me..." May quivered, a tear rolling down her face. But anger suddenly burned through the cold, icy tears. "He won't want to mess with me like that when I'm done with him!" She hissed before rushing up the stairs. And, just as expected, she heard Drew and the mystery person ruffling the duvet to hide away. It wasn't done quick enough.

    May almost slammed the door off of it's hinges, and saw the worst sight possible...Drew with another woman. He was topless (and May guessed he was trouserless), while the woman covered herself with the duvet. "WHY?! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS DREW?! GET THAT LITTLE **** OUT OF HERE NOW!!!!" The woman got up and quickly darted outside. "Thank you." May said to the woman calmly. She scurried away with a surprised look(she must have been ready for the rage of the brunette!), and May then turned to Drew. "So. I come home. I realise that we've been through so much crap. I then see you in the bedroom, with the light on, with that woman on top of you? I tell you what, I thought of you as a loyal boy, who fangirls couldn't stir, and who was one of the smartest, cleverest and downright handsome boys around. But now, what have you done?" May calmly stated, turning more to a hiss. YOU'VE GONE. AND CHEATED. ON ME!!!" She yelled, literally shaking the whole house.
    "Right, I'm sorry, sh-" Drew tried to make amends, but May interrupted him."
    "I DON'T THINK YOU DESERVE A CHANCE TO MAKE AMENDS YET!" May shouted.
    "No, I am seriously sorry! I shouldn't have thought of doing th-" Drew came close to May and tried to apologise again. Bad move. May slapped him right across the cheek, and gave him the pain that a punch could give out.
    "Get out!" She ordered. "Now!" She almost yelled again.
    Drew whimpered, and ran out of the room with such swiftness.
    "Fine, I'll be taking this then!" Drew grunted, before ripping the red rose that May placed in her head. May groaned in anger, but Drew was already out of the door with his clothes on and with a few belongings.
    "GOOD! DON'T EVER TRY TO COME BACK YOU PIECE OF HORRID ****" May yelled in absolute anger. Drew was away quite quickly, and left May alone in their room...


    So. Dramatic, but I had to kick this off somehow, right? It may be a very cliché thing to write about, but I hope I have this done well.

    If you guys like it, I'll go multi-chaptered (Well, I sorta have to anyway XD). Thanks for reading, whoever may read this, and please review! Next chapter may come soon, so stay tuned!
    Yveltal, the Destruction Pokémon: "When its life comes to an end, it absorbs the life energy of every living thing and turns into a cocoon once more."

        Spoiler:- Current Hunts:


  2. #2
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    Wow, it is pretty cliche, but even writers have to write cliche sometimes. I don't see Drew as much of a cheating type even though I wrote a story like that myself. LOL :P

    Okay, the beginning started off well with great descriptions of the bus and the system. Then it kind of went downhill from there. You started rushing. I know how quick-paced events make it more dramatic, but the whole thing just swarmed in my head and I didn't really know what was happening.

    Besides the Drew OOCness (that can be excused I guess XD) I don't think May would actually curse that much. She seems like the type that would think well of others. Perhaps fanfiction has warped your brain as it has done to many others. Sometimes, I can't even tell the difference between something that's happened and something I read about in a well-written fanfic.

    In the house paragraph, you had many repetitions about sneaking and being quiet. Also, that scene was kind of like a Korean drama. Tiredness to anger to sadness to anger all in one is very overwhelming and also very... unrealistic? For May anyway. When the woman darted out quickly, I think that could have been described in greater detail. Also, the rose detail kind of annoyed me. Why would she put a rose on her head after an argument with Drew? Where did the rose even come from?

    The same thing can be said about the emotions of Drew. One second he's apologizing, to whimpering, to grunting and snatching.

    I hope that helped! Try more descriptions. Also, a little tip: skip lines between paragraphs so it's easier to read. You didn't skip lines during the dialogue part.
    ~Kat

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  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by luvallpokemon View Post
    Wow, it is pretty cliche, but even writers have to write cliche sometimes. I don't see Drew as much of a cheating type even though I wrote a story like that myself. LOL :P

    Okay, the beginning started off well with great descriptions of the bus and the system. Then it kind of went downhill from there. You started rushing. I know how quick-paced events make it more dramatic, but the whole thing just swarmed in my head and I didn't really know what was happening.

    Besides the Drew OOCness (that can be excused I guess XD) I don't think May would actually curse that much. She seems like the type that would think well of others. Perhaps fanfiction has warped your brain as it has done to many others. Sometimes, I can't even tell the difference between something that's happened and something I read about in a well-written fanfic.

    In the house paragraph, you had many repetitions about sneaking and being quiet. Also, that scene was kind of like a Korean drama. Tiredness to anger to sadness to anger all in one is very overwhelming and also very... unrealistic? For May anyway. When the woman darted out quickly, I think that could have been described in greater detail. Also, the rose detail kind of annoyed me. Why would she put a rose on her head after an argument with Drew? Where did the rose even come from?

    The same thing can be said about the emotions of Drew. One second he's apologizing, to whimpering, to grunting and snatching.

    I hope that helped! Try more descriptions. Also, a little tip: skip lines between paragraphs so it's easier to read. You didn't skip lines during the dialogue part.
    I see what you're on about. Right:

    I can see how it went downhill. I did want to type it up quickly, and I did want to see whether I could actually make something out of it...but I don't think it worked XD

    I think May does get quite...angry sometimes, and it could make sense for her to get quite angry. OK, Drew was OOC...even though we didn't see much of him up until the actual event.

    Excuses of mine aside, I see what went wrong. Thanks for pointing it out. Sorta annoys me that I confused a reader...but this was a bit of a fail. Ah well, I guess I shouldn't attempt to delve into too much cliché stuff. Right, thank you for the review anyway!
    Yveltal, the Destruction Pokémon: "When its life comes to an end, it absorbs the life energy of every living thing and turns into a cocoon once more."

        Spoiler:- Current Hunts:


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