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Thread: Reunion [mindless shipping; PG-13]

  1. #1
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    Default Reunion [mindless shipping; PG-13]

    Rating: PG-13 for cursing, violence, cruelty to Pokemon and sexual content
    Anime: Pokemon
    Type: hetro
    Genre: Romance/Friendship
    Pairing: Proton/Rocket grunt (female)
    Status: ongoing
    By: Gothitelle K
    Comments: My first shippy fic, based on the events in my signature. In this fic, she says it to another grunt, not to the player character. But yeah, here's my first and I hope you read and comment.

    Welcome to the Evening News. My name is Chuck Timesworth here to give you the latest Unova news! Today’s top story…

    The news was turned on loud and clear as the young man sat down in his couch, smirking at the TV. All he could do was laugh at how boring the news pieces were this morning. Most of the time, Unova showed some interesting news but lately, it’s been nothing but stocks galore. As of now, they were talking about how Team Plasma saved a Pokemon from Team Ghetsis, the evil team in town. This was a story they have been covering for five days and as of now, the young male found the story tedious.

    Just as he was about to grab the remote from the side table to change the channel, something shocked him. The news piece was now covering a story about a newly formed team that came together two months ago. However, this wasn’t just any team. This was a team that seemed to have been disbanded a couple of times before reuniting once again. The black outfits on the kids in the piece and that big letter on them…

    “Today we are visiting Team Rocket, the new team on the block!” The announcer said as they showed a few members, all wearing a black uniform but in different styles with the big red R on the center.

    “Team Rocket?!” he gasped. His eyes widened as he heard his team's name.

    Seeing them made the young man recall memories; memories of when he used to be one of those members. He used to be an executive ordered to do different missions. Some people thought that he was the scariest and cruelest kid on the team due to the fact that he kind of had some anger issues. His fondest memory was when he was the one who ordered the team to cut off slowpoke tails. A smirk grew as he remembered doing the action himself and how he was appointed to watch over the said mission.

    He didn’t really recognize any of the members that were on TV, except for one. There was a guy, much older, with light swirly pink hair. He looked at the camera really nervously when he realized he was on TV. He hastily smoothed his hair in place as he was trying to keep his cool on the air.

    “Hey! I didn’t want to be on TV! The camera makes you gain ten pounds!” he said hastily.

    ‘You know, someone should tell Petrel that he’s so thin, that he can dodge rain drops!’ the kid thought as he chuckled silently at the guy.

    However, as he was watching the piece on his old team, his jaw suddenly dropped as his eyes widened. On the TV, they showcased an individual member of Team Rocket. It was a young girl who looked to be no more than fourteen with dark purple hair, shaped into a bob cut and light brown eyes. She was wearing her typical Team Rocket uniform, a black mini dress with a big red letter R in the middle. The guy literally couldn’t believe his eyes. That girl… her voice… her hair fluttering in the breeze… her smile and her eyes…

    “You!” he exclaimed. “You’re here?!”

    He couldn’t even pay attention to her interview with the reporter. All the young male could do was stare into her eyes. Those same eyes for which he had seen before, two years ago to be exact. The more he stared at the TV, shocked, the more he began to revive his memory of her.

    It was two years ago when Team Rocket was in the Johto region. Their biggest mission was to infiltrate a famous building called the Radio Tower. That way, they could broadcast to the world their comeback, hoping that their boss would hear it and come back from hiding. That was the day the guy remembered seeing this girl. He knew it like it happened yesterday.

    ~~

    He leaned up against the glass, standing guard. His mission was simple, not only watch over the grunts but watch for any intruders. The young executive just stood there, with a bored expression on his face. All he could listen to was the whispers going on between the people on the other side of the glass. He had heard rumors that a kid, about four years younger than he was, has managed to get pass the guards, no problem and was on their way to the top executive.

    ‘Is this team incompetent or something?’ he thought as he fixed his hair, with a scowl on his face.

    He stood there in disbelief, he organized a perfect plan to bring back his team and now it was going to be ruined. The more he thought about it, the more he was inclined to hit something. He even was producing a tear in his eye. How… how could this be? How could someone even beat the two high ranked executives? He could understand this person beating himself and Petrel since they were lower ranked and Petrel was known to be a pushover but the others?

    “Proton…” a girl’s voice said from the other side of the glass. “The leader of this Radio Tower mission. He is so cool…”

    Proton’s eyes widened as he heard that comment. She was referring to him, of course. He was the leader of this mission, despite being as young as many of the grunts. In a moment of defeat, that comment was refreshing to hear as he actually brought a small smile on his face. Proton slowly turned his head over to the left side and saw a girl. Her dark purple hair was shaped into a bob cut and light brown eyes. She was with another female grunt who was sitting in a chair behind her.

    “You think he’s cool?” the other grunt asked as she wrapped her dark yellow hair in a thick coil over her shoulder.

    “Yes, and I wish I was there to take down the person who got in his… I mean Team Rocket’s way,” the girl said hastily. “But I have a feeling something bad is going to happen to this team.”

    While the two girls were talking, Proton took out a small card from his pocket and a pen and began to write down his name and cell phone number. After he was finished, he folded the card in half and slowly put it back in his pocket. As he stared at the girl, he blushed a little. He wanted to give his number to the girl; however he couldn’t leave his post. Though there was a small hole in the glass next to where she was, he was too nervous to do so. He hasn’t really had people tell him he was cool or imply that he was. Girls would mostly gawk about their top executive and sometimes Petrel but not really about him.

    As he was beginning to come closer to the whole in the glass, Proton could hear the top executive’s voice coming down from the tower stairs. Not only that, but a bunch of others talking amongst themselves as they seemed to be exiting the tower. There were rumors about how Team Rocket was disbanded right here, right now.

    “Yes, I disbanded this team. You all can go your separate ways now,” the executive said. “Go, we won’t be coming back.”

    As soon as that was said, the girl just collapsed to her knees and cried. Hearing this girl cry the way she did was beginning to make Proton tear up as he turned to where she was knelt. Her friend was right behind her, rubbing her back in comfort, assuring her that everything was going to be okay. The yellow haired girl tugged on her friend’s arm as she motioned for her to get up from the floor.

    “It’s going to be alright,” she said as she put her arm around her while they began to leave.

    “No it isn’t!” she cried. “Team Rocket and Proton are all I need. Now they are gone and I’ll never see him… I mean them again.”

    Proton is all I need…

    Though she didn’t directly say those words, she most definitely implied them. Those words have echoed in Proton’s head as he began to exit the Radio Tower. Tears started to well up and flow down his face as he got outside. Thankfully, he was the last one to get out so no one could see this weak moment. There was so much he wanted to say to this girl, but the one thing he forgot to say to her was… thank you. Now she’s gone and he doubts he’d be able to track her down.

    All he did at the moment was take a bolder that was nearby and throw it at the tower’s windows, breaking one of them. He then paced around, pulling out a chunk of his hair as he screamed at the top of his lungs. Proton also banged his head against the wall of the department store a few times until he got a headache.

    “Goddammit, Proton you're stupid!” he yelled at the top of his lungs before storming home, pushing down anything and anyone that was in his way.

    ~~
    Even thinking about that memory made tears well up in his eyes as he dried them with a tissue. Proton thought that he was never going to see her again, so then to turn on the TV and there she was… two years older, smarter and still was pretty was she was before, even more so now. He has been taught that a person could still remember another just from their eyes. Her eyes looked the same and so does her voice. Everything about her physical appearance was the same.

    “Well thank you, Ellie for the wonderful interview!” the reporter said as he patted her on the back. “And there you have it, Team Rocket is back and now they are wanting to do good. Back to you Chuck.”

    Upon hearing the girl’s name, Proton went from being sad to being determined. His fist clenching as he got up from his chair and went over to his house phone with a smirk.

    “So, your name’s Ellie eh?” he chuckled softly. “That’s a pretty name for a pretty girl.”

    That was when Proton made his choice. He was going to return to his old team, with his family so he calls them. He didn’t mind doing good for the town since he has lived by himself to discover who he was inside and he got to be with some of his old friends should he join. He had wanted to catch up with Petrel since then. However, he wasn’t going to lose that girl again. He lost her once and that was a horrible moment.

    You will be surprised. You will be shocked to know that I am here. I want to get to know you better and to thank you for your comment. With everything that has happened, Ellie I don’t want to lose you again. You said I was all you needed, maybe I could become that…
    Last edited by はるひ; 3rd September 2012 at 5:11 AM.
    岩根雅明=♡

  2. #2
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    “So… you are here because you want to become a member of Team Rocket, right?” A girl in the big brown oak chair said as she looked over some papers.

    “Almost correct,” Proton replied. “I used to be a member of this team. Now I want to become a member once more, but of this revised version of the team.”

    The pink haired girl sat up on her chair and began to scratch her chin. She then used her hand to smooth out her long pink hair as she still read the papers. She looked up the young male with her green eyes narrowing at him and then looking back at the folder. While she did so, Proton surveyed the office and all the pictures hanging on the wall. The office’s walls were painted brown and there was black leather furniture on the side of the room. The girl then gave him a smirk as she starts to scratch her chin again while she used her other hand to ring a small bell on the desk.

    “Impressive…” she said slowly as she rubbed her nose. “You used to be… executive? You look pretty young to be an executive. But then again, I’m two years older than you and I’m the CEO of this team.”

    “Yes, I have. In fact, I saw one of your executives on TV this morning. I happen to know him,” the male replied.

    Before she could say anything, they heard footsteps coming at a fast pace towards the room they were in. The girl stood up once it felt like the person was in the room and gave a big grin. The door closed and she brought up her arms as a motion for this person to give her a hug.

    “Proton?! Is that you?” the familiar voice said as he patted the young man on his back.

    There came a young man with light swirly pink hair. That same one he saw complaining on TV. He had on his black uniform with red stripes on the front. He went over to the girl and gave her an endearing but quick embrace and a kiss on her lips before she walked out of the room. As soon as it seemed like she left, the two guys went over to each other and gave each other a man hug before sitting down.

    “Petrel, no time no see!” Proton exclaimed.

    “Hey, I never expected that you’d be here,” Petrel said as he got out a few papers. “What brings you here? What’s up, man?”

    “Nothing much, just wanting to reunite with my old team,” the aqua haired young man replied.

    Proton sat himself up in his chair and smirked as he pulled out a piece of folded notebook paper from his pocket. He puts it on the table as he makes himself comfortable by putting his feet on the footstool that was in front of him. Petrel scans over the documents before looking up at his longtime friend. He scratched his head as he takes out a pen.

    “Kay Proton, since I am your interviewer and the person who decided if you are on the team or not, I will ask you a few questions,” Petrel explained. “These are Amy’s orders, not mine. Normally she’d be the one doing the choosing but she’s not feeling well so that’s why you only saw her for that short time.”

    Proton nodded as he prepared himself for the questions that were about to be asked. He makes himself even more relaxed by putting his arms behind his head as a pillow.

    “Okay, first question is, are you at least over the age of 12?” Petrel asked.

    Proton just nodded yes at the pink haired young man as he gave him the ‘yeah duh’ expression on his face.

    “Alright, second question is do you have any experience with Team Rocket or in the detective field?”

    The young man nodded yes to that question. ‘You know, you and I were on the same team. Of course I have experience on this team!’

    “Third question is that if we asked you to take a drug test, would you do it and would you pass it?”

    Proton nodded his head yes as he tilted his head to the right in boredom. ‘When is this going to be over?’

    “Okay last question and I have to ask you this anyway. Are you pregnant or nursing?”

    Proton looked at Petrel with a death glare. His fist started to clench as the pink haired young man started to laugh at him. He quickly got up from his chair and proceeded to wave his fist at him. Though Petrel no longer laughed, he retained a friendly smile as his puts his hands over his head as a motion to back off.

    “Peace, my friend. I had to ask that question. I have to ask every newcomer that question, my girlfriend’s orders,” he explained. “I’m done with the basic questions so we got that part covered.”

    Proton proceeded to sit back down in the chair as he looked at the folded piece of paper that was in front of him. Maybe, just maybe since Ellie was on this team, maybe Petrel knows where she is and can deliver this said paper to her. The aqua haired kid took the paper off the desk and looks over it, making sure that he didn’t leave out anything or say anything wrong in the note.

    “Yo Petrel, do you know someone named Ellie on this team?” Proton asked hesitantly. “I saw her on TV and she had the uniform on.”

    Petrel raised his eyebrow at the boy’s question as he gave him a smirk. “Ellie eh? She’s on this team. Why do you ask?”

    “Well, I need you to give this to her,” Proton said as he handed the young man the note. “Please don’t tell her that I was here or that I wrote it. Also, please don’t read it; I only want her to read it.”

    Petrel took the note from his hands and scanned his eyes across the folded paper. As much as it would have tempted him to take one peak inside it, he couldn’t do so. He slowly puts the note in his shirt pocket as he gathers the other papers on the desk. Proton sat there as he raised his eyebrow when the pink haired young man started to chuckle under his breath. ‘What the hell is he laughing at?’ he thought as the expression of anger came on him.

    “Sorry, Proton I had to chuckle a little,” Petrel said as he caught the boy’s expression. “I think it’s cute that you have a thing for Ellie, that’s all. I mean… do you like her? When a guy passes a note to a girl, it usually means that they like them.”

    Proton remained silent. He did not want to say a word and it was as a signal for the guy to drop the subject. He did not feel comfortable going into details about his interest in meeting Ellie and especially not to Petrel. He’s his friend, but sometimes he can get carried away with certain topics. He sat there, silent while giving Petrel the death glare. His face was turning beat red as he clenched his fist. Once again, Petrel still retained a friendly smile as he puts his hands up in peace.

    “Hey, I’m just giving you a hard time. I won’t speak about it anymore,” the pink haired guy said as he stood up and stretched. “I’ll jot down my number and I’ll call you maybe.”

    As he took a piece of paper from a small sticky pad, Proton proceeded to laugh. He also got up and wrote down his name and number on a sticky pad paper as well. He then took his hand and grasps Petrel’s shoulder as he still chuckled. ‘You are something else…’ he thought as he smiled. After they exchanged numbers, they gave each other another friendly hug before Proton was about to leave. However, before he left, he turned and gave a hard smile.

    “Oh and about your TV appearance, I thought you should know that you are so thin, you can hang glide on a Dorito!” Proton exclaimed. “So you cannot complain about the camera adding ten pounds.”

    “Oh shut up, you!” Petrel said with a grin as he threw a paper ball at him and missed.

    The aqua haired boy stuck out his tongue as he proceeded to leave the building.

    --

    It was almost dusk as the sun was going down. The streetlights were starting to come on as people were preparing to either walk or drive home for the evening. Ellie sat on a bench in front of the Team Rocket building, anxiously waiting for the agency to close for the night. There was a rule that no one leaves unless the CEO said they could. She held on to her duffel bag as she nervously looks at her surroundings. She twisted the bottom of her mini dress as she nervously looks at the people walking and driving by as well.

    “Hey there,” a familiar voice said at the door behind the person closed. “How’s it goin’ Ellie?”

    “Not much, Petrel,” the young girl replied as she looked up at the young man. “Thanks for asking.”

    Petrel smiled as he proceeded to sit next to the girl. Ellie felt a little more comfortable for she did not clench to her bag and dress as much as she did before. They both gave each other a friendly hug before having a brief conversation. However, before they could do that, Petrel just remembered something. ‘The letter!’ he thought as he reached into his shirt pocket and handed the girl a piece of folded notebook paper. When she took the paper, Ellie looked up at him with a confused look on his face.

    “Remember when we told you guys that we were getting a new member?” Petrel started. “Well I was talking to him this afternoon and he gave me this, wanted me to give it to you. I don’t know what it says but he wanted you to read it.”

    Ellie looked at the paper with such confusion. ‘How does this new member know of me? And why did he write me a note?’ Although she was afraid to read what was inside, she unfolded the piece of paper and decided to read it anyway, just to get it out of the way. When she finally unfolded the paper, she began to read it. It was short but what was in it made her shocked, confused and nervous at the same time. It read:

    My dearest Ellie,

    You may not remember me but we have met before. I have wanted to get in touch with you ever since our team disbanded but no luck. So to see you on TV, and there you were. I was honestly shocked. With everything that has happened to us Ellie, I want to meet you and mostly hold you in my arms while I tell you how much I’ve missed you. Question is will you give me that chance? Will you give us a chance to make something of ourselves?

    I know it seems like my thoughts are wandering but I couldn’t help but be shocked by what I saw. Not only that, but be angry with myself by not giving you my number sooner when I last saw you. When you see me on the team one day, I hope you can recognize me so that we can chat and catch up with each other, and maybe spend quality time with each other. Well, I’m going to go before my hair turns gray and my name becomes Shakespeare. But know that when I see you, you are going to be shocked. You really are…

    Love, your secret admirer.


    When she finished reading, Ellie puts the paper down on her bag in shock. She couldn’t believe that a guy would write to her saying that he wanted to meet her. She didn’t know what to think at this point. Ellie was happy, but she was mostly scared and nervous at the same time. ‘This is nice… but what if this person is lying? What if they actually want to attack me? I’m surprised that they chose me of all people! Me!’ The more she thought of this, the more tears started to well up in her eyes.

    “Are you okay, Ellie?” Petrel asked as he took his hand and started to rub her back.

    As soon as he did that, Ellie suddenly came closer and leaned against Petrel’s chest while her arms were around his waist tightly. She needed someone to lean on, someone to hold her at the moment, and he was right there. Petrel was hesitant seeing that this girl was now leaning against him; however he knew that she needed comforting. So he puts his other arm around her as he still rubs her back.

    “I’m scared, Petrel,” Ellie cried. “I’m afraid that he'll come and attack me…”

    “I know… I know…” he whispered in her ear in a soothing tone. "We won't let that happen, okay?"
    --
    Proton sat down in his kitchen, eating dinner. So many things were running through his mind. When he does get accepted into the team, will Ellie remember him? How would she take to him? Will she even give the guy a chance to get to know her? All these thoughts and more were conversing in his head until he heard a bing go off on his phone. He picked up his P-phone and there was a text message from Petrel.

    congats u made the team. u start 2mrrw. b thre at 8oclk with ur old uniform.

    When he read the message, he literally dropped his phone on the table. His heart started to beat faster, his head was suddenly warm as he gave a hard smile. He grasped on to his pant leg as he used his other hand to text him back.

    ty Petch, see ya tomorrow

    With that, he got up from the table and proceeded to go into the bedroom to sleep for the night.
    Last edited by はるひ; 3rd September 2012 at 5:13 AM.
    岩根雅明=♡

  3. #3
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    I'm here for the review game. I figure since I write primarily shippy fics that I'd step in and check out this shippy fic.

    I've read both your chapters, and I guess what it basically comes down to is that I think you've got a set-up here with some potential to it. I like the fact that you're using that moment in the game, since it seems like one that's ripe to go somewhere, particularly in terms of the relationship and there's a lot of fun to be had with the inner workings of team rocket. That's said, I have some doubts.

    First of all, and this is, sadly, the main thing with romances: I don't buy the relationship here. That's not to say that I don't buy the possibility of a relationship developing between the two characters with the particular line from the game, but how it's rendered here seems unrealistic to me. I can get behind Ellie fangirling over Proton. After all, she does it in the game. What I don't get is Proton instantly falling for her when she's said one nice thing about him and they haven't even exchanged a word with each other. I could get him being interested in getting to know her better... but love? He doesn't even know her (the READER doesn't even know her. Her character really hasn't been established much at this point). And Ellie's reaction to receiving the secret admirer letter is doubly unrealistic. Some strange person who she doesn't know sends her a letter saying he'd like to hold her in his arms... and her first response is "what if he leaves me too?" A more reasonable response might be... curiousity. Who is this person? Perhaps even fear. It's an awfully forward thing for one person to say to another. It would certainly freak me out if someone sent me a letter like that and I didn't know who it was. Ellie's response toward the letter--from someone who is a mystery to her at this point--makes it seem like she'd be willing to accept any man who loved her... and that's not emotionally healthy.

    I have some doubts about characterization too. I'm really not feeling Proton as the "scary" or "cruel" guy he's described to be in the games. He cries so much in this that it really undercuts any sort of credibility he might have had as a tough guy. I understand that he's the main character and that you want the writer to sympathesize with him... but even if he wasn't meant to be "scary" or "cruel" I'd say the amount of crying is over the top. There are a few times in chapter two where you try to make him prone to anger, but it honestly feels tacked on and inconsistent after the touchy-feely stuff from early, and there's little bite in it beside that.

    So, while I honestly could see wanting to read a story about Proton, and could see him developing a relationship with the female grunt from the game... the way it's happening does not seem realistic to me.

    Some other comments:

    I don't really see the need to be ambiguous about the fact that the young man is Proton--especially for such a large part of the first chapter. The reader can figure out that it's Proton, since he's half of the pairing this story is about. All not naming him does is create awkward bits where you're forced to repeatedly call him "young man." And it's not really worth it for such an unsurprising reveal of our main character.

    The announcer said as they showed a few members, all wearing a black uniform but in different styles with the big red R on the center.
    I’m sure they weren’t all wearing the same uniform, so that should be plural.

    “Team Rocket?!” he said as he was shocked at their mention.
    This sentence sounds rather awkward to me. That’s probably because the “as he was shocked at their mention” is really obvious and unnecessary. The dual question mark exclamation point gets that across well enough and you already mentioned he was shocked (using that exact same word). If you wanted to indicate his emotion at all, then it would be better to show the reader what he’s feeling instead of telling them. Maybe instead of saying the equivalent of “he was surprised” you could say, “his eyes widened as the team name was spoken” or something like that.

    Some people thought that he was the scariest and cruelest kid on the team due to the fact that he kind of had some anger issues.
    I feel like this needs to be expanded and dealt with in more detail. A major problem I’m seeing here is that you’re pretty much using the exact wording from the games. It’s fine to build on what the games give you—in fact, you should. But you have to put your own spin on it. This feels rather... lifted.

    All the young male could do was stare into her eyes.
    Young male makes it sound like we’re talking about animals...

    Those same eyes for which he had seen before, two years ago to be exact.
    You don’t need the “for” there. And I’m seeing a lot of comma splices like this. The comma isn’t the solution to all your problems since the separated parts still need to be complete clauses. In cases like this when you’re really just pausing to add a further detail, I’d suggest a dash.

    He had heard rumors that a kid, about four years younger than he was, has managed to get pass the guards, no problem and was on their way to the top executive.
    You’ve got a tense inconsistency here—starting the sentence with “had” and then moving on to “has.”

    He stood there in disbelief, he organized a perfect plan to bring back his team and now it was going to be ruined.
    I really don’t think that should be a comma. You’ve got two complete sentences here and a comma does not really allow for much of a break between the two thoughts. I’d suggest a period—maybe a semi-colon if you really want an extra linkage between these two sentences (and I don’t really see a reason for that, to be honest).

    I’d evaluate your comma use all around because the way you’ve placed commas often makes the prose read as stilted and off-kilter—at least to me.

    Those words have echoed in Proton’s head as he began to exit the Radio Tower
    You don’t need the "have” there. It just makes the tenses sound inconsistent.

    “Goddamn, Proton your stupid!”
    That’d be “you’re.”

    The office’s walls were painted brown and there was black leather furniture on the side of the room.
    Seems like an extraneous detail to me. Is there a reason that it matters that the walls are brown and there’s leather furniture? I’d imagine it doesn’t relate to the plot. If it doesn’t relate to the plot, then it should be building atmosphere and mood, and honestly it’s rather basic and plain if that’s its purpose.

    There came a young man with light swirly pink hair. That same one he saw complaining on TV. He had on his black uniform with red stripes on the front. He went over to the girl and gave her an endearing but quick embrace and a kiss on her lips before she walked out of the room. As soon as it seemed like she left, the two guys went over to each other and gave each other a man hug before sitting down.
    You get her out of the room pretty quickly. It more feels like she’s being dismissed because you have no more use for her than she herself actually has a reason to leave.

    “Petrel, no time no see!” Proton exclaimed.
    Long time, no see?

    “Kay Proton, since I am your interviewer and the person who decided if you are on the team or not, I will ask you a few questions,” Petrel explained. “These are Amy’s orders, not mine. Normally she’d be the one doing the choosing but she’s not feeling well so that’s why you only saw her for that short time.”
    Is Amy the CEO who already left? I’m rather confused, because her name wasn’t given. If that is who she is, then it would’ve been a good idea to establish her name before she left the scene.

    Proton looked at Petrel with a death glare. His fist started to clench as the pink haired young man started to laugh at him. He quickly got up from his chair and proceeded to wave his fist at him. Though Petrel no longer laughed, he retained a friendly smile as his puts his hands over his head as a motion to back off.
    I really don’t get any sense of a threat from this. Just waving one’s fist around seems rather ineffectual. People don’t “wave” their fists around if they’re really going to hurt someone. They pull their fist back and then drive it forward toward their target. I at no point believe he actually intends on harming anyone.

    Proton proceeded to sit back down in the chair as he looked at the folded piece of paper that was in front of him. Maybe, just maybe since Ellie was on this team, maybe Petrel knows where she is and can deliver this said paper to her.
    That second sentence sounds more like one of Proton’s thoughts than something from the narration. Since you’ve italicized his thoughts in the past, you should keep consistent.

    ‘What the hell is he laughing at?’ he thought as the expression of anger came on him.
    It’s better to describe what about his face makes it look angry. Otherwise you’re pretty much just saying “Proton was angry” which is something you really want to avoid. You want your reader to be able to feel your character’s emotions, and your reader will do that much more naturally if you show what your character is feeling instead of just telling it straight out.

    “Oh and about your TV appearance, I thought you should know that you are so thin, you can hang glide on a Dorito!” Proton exclaimed. “So you cannot complain about the camera adding ten pounds.”
    It’s better not to repeat jokes, since they’re really only funny once. I’d suggest getting rid of one of the duplications.

    So... overall, I think the writing and dialogue sometimes comes off as rather stilted and unnatural. I think you'll be able to polish a lot of this up through revision. Reading your fic out loud is definitely something I recommend. It can show you where the rhythm falters and where the dialogue is off.

    I'm not without my complaints, but I want to make it clear that I think you have a set-up here that you can really get something good out of. Perhaps as you distinguish who Ellie is as a character, aside from her role as Proton's love interest, you'll be able to make the romance more believable. I would like to also point out that I think you managed to show some real glimmers of the friendship between Proton and Petrel, and that's a definite plus.

    I hope something I've said here is helpful to you as you continue writing. Good luck.

  4. #4
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    Thanks for the review :] and will fix soon

    I do want to say that I wasn't trying to do a love at first sight thingy. I said that Proton found her to be pretty and wanted to give her his number but not love at first sight. Just interest. But now his interest is kinda like an obsession as I was kinda trying to put it. With Ellie's reaction it's more so stemming back to "I never saw Proton again what makes me think he'd stick around?"

    Also do people WANT Proton to be cruel to his love interest?
    岩根雅明=♡

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    I do want to say that I wasn't trying to do a love at first sight thingy. I said that Proton found her to be pretty and wanted to give her his number but not love at first sight. Just interest. But now his interest is kinda like an obsession as I was kinda trying to put it. With Ellie's reaction it's more so stemming back to "I never saw Proton again what makes me think he'd stick around?"
    Well, you say in your fic "Proton remained silent. He did not want to say a word and it was as a signal for the guy to drop the subject. He did not feel comfortable going into details about his love for Ellie and especially not to Petrel." So if you don't want it to be love at first sight, then stuff like that ought to be changed because it completely contradicts what you're saying here about it not being love at first sight.

    If you want to have Ellie eventually bring this back to Proton being out of her life, then it really should've been spooled out more, because as an initial reaction to a mysterious admirer it doesn't make sense. If you got her actually talking for awhile, wondering about who this guy could be, and then ultimately being doubtful of a relationship even if the guy turned out to be nice, then that's one thing. But the way it happens is just way too abrupt to the point that it doesn't follow as a reaction and makes it seem like Ellie has serious emotional problems.

    Also do people WANT Proton to be cruel to his love interest?
    Well, what I don't want is for you to negate established character traits just because you don't like them. If you're not comfortable with Proton's character and his established cruelty then I don't honestly see why you're writing him at all. Staying in character is priority number one in fanfiction.

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    No, it's not that I'm not comfortable, It's not that, I happen to like the character. I never said that I didn't like said traits. I did add traits from the game, I made sure of that.
    岩根雅明=♡

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    The next day, Proton showed up at the Team Rocket house. This time, wearing his old uniform from two years ago. He made sure to show up time as it was five minutes until eight o clock. He was still given his old rank as an executive as so he was told. He made his way into the hallway, waving at the grunts that walked passed him. He finally made it to a room which looked like the conference room.

    With was a decent sized room with a large square table in the middle and a desk with a computer by the window sill. There were no members present at the time but he did see a few bags lying around the corner of the table, which indicated that some people have showed up but where away from the room. Proton grabbed a chair and moved it to the middle of the left side of the table and proceeded to sit put his head down. ‘In a few minutes, you and I will meet!’ he thought as he smirked and blushed at the same time.

    “What? Nap time already?” a familiar voice said as he was entering the room.

    Proton lifted his head up only to see his friend walk into the room and sit next to him on the edge of the table itself.

    “Sup, Petrel?” he said as he got up and gave him a high-five like handshake. Then they leaned in towards each other and gave each other a pat on the back before Proton sat back down in his chair.

    “Not a lot, Proton, my day just started,” Petrel replied as he yawned. “Anyway, are you nervous or excited today? I want to know how you are feeling! Well… you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, I thought I’d make conversation since we are reunited.”

    Proton just gave the pink haired man a smirk as he slaps his hand on his leg hard while thinking to himself ‘oh you!’. This was his way of playing around with him, of joking with him in a friendly matter. Petrel looked at him weirdly as he gave a soft ‘heh!’ at him. The aqua haired young man then takes his hand off of his friend as he began to answer the question.

    “Petrel, I am excited and nervous at the same time. I’m nervous because when I see Ellie, I wouldn’t know what to do afterwards.” Proton said. “Since you’ve had a girlfriend before and now you have one again, maybe you can give me some tips on how to you know… make me seem less awkward in her eyes? I mean, girls to flock to you. How do you do it?”

    Petrel got up from the table and proceeded to go to the computer table. He opened the blinds behind him before he sat down in the big chair. He began to take out a big notepad and pen to start writing.

    “Sorry, just getting ready for work,” he replied. “Anyway, if I were you, I’d want to get to know Ellie better. Know her likes, dislikes and her fears. That is also important when wanting to build a relationship with her. Girls also like it when guys are there when they cry. They need someone to hold them every once in a while and tell them that everything’s going to be alright. Like with Ellie, all she wants is to feel safe and especially at night. She doesn’t feel safe by herself at night, Proton. You’d need to tell her that everything’s going to be alright and walk with her every step of the way. You need to make her feel safe…”

    Proton smirked as he thought to himself ‘you know with me around, you’re going to feel safe. Safe inside my heart, where you should be…’ He nodded at his friend as he sat there to look at his p-phone. As he was doing so, he heard footsteps coming into the room. He was too focused on his phone to look up to see who came but he noticed the sound of someone putting their bag down on the floor while they were pulling up a chair.

    “Hey, are you the new guy?” a voice asked.

    Proton looked up and saw a boy standing at the other side of the table, next to a chair that he pulled out for himself. This boy looked a little similar to Ellie in some ways. He too had pink hair; however his was a lot shorter and lighter. He had on the typical Team Rocket grunt uniform; a black three quarter sleeved top with the big red letter R on it with a gray belt and back pants. This boy gave him a rather strange look on his face as if he was weary of him.

    “Why yes, I am,” Proton answered. “Why?”

    “Ah hah! So you were the creep who had frightened my Ellie,” the boy said as his tone changed from normal to angry. “That’s right, she read your letter to me when I walked her home and she was scared because she knew the ‘new guy’ was joining this team. You’ve made Ellie scared to the point where she was sitting outside the whole time waiting for me because she thought that you were going to attack her. Bravo, dude. Bra-vo…”

    The aqua haired young man then quickly got up from his seat, took his chair and threw it across the room. He then went over to the pink haired boy and proceeded to put his hand tightly around his neck as he stared him down. The boy however, wasn’t afraid but rather confused at the moment.

    “Your Ellie? Your Ellie?!” Proton yelled. “You better listen to me, okay? Once I get to know her better, she’ll become my Ellie. That’s right; I was all she needed two years ago. I’m the guy she needed and I’ll be damned if you get in the way of me giving that to her.”

    “Wait! Wait! How the hell could she be yours if you don’t even know her?” the boy asked while trying to pry his hand off his neck. “She’s been my friend for five years and I know what she’s like and I know what her fears are and this was one of them. Couldn’t you save your selfish desires for when you actually saw her instead of just being forward about it?”

    After hearing what he had to say, Proton shoved the boy into the wall with the hand he used to grab his neck. At this point, he was seething inside. The thought of this friend of Ellie’s intruding on his mission to get to know her better was getting the best of him. As he drove his free hand back and then forward, he was interrupted by his best friend.

    “Proton!” Petrel shouted as he jumped up from his chair. “Now first things first, Ellie is her own person. She doesn’t belong to anyone. Secondly, you need to learn how to conduct yourself in front of her. Case in point, there’s your Ellie… right behind you.”

    Proton’s eyes widened as he slowly turned around and loosened his grip off the boy’s neck. When he turned around, he couldn’t believe what he saw. A young girl just stood there, about five feet from him with her hands on her mouth. She was shocked as her eyes widened and tears were starting to form. Proton felt as if his heart was about to jump right out of his chest as he slowly started to walk towards her. The more he looked into her brown eyes, the more tears started to well in his eyes.

    “Ellie…” Proton whispered as he came closer to the girl. “It’s me… do you remember me?”

    The closer he came, the more Ellie started to shake in her boots. She couldn’t believe that the guy she was crazy about two years ago was here… he was actually here. Proton started to feel the butterflies in his stomach as he finally came up to her and began to touch her face. His arm was shaking as he ran his fingers down her cheek. With one touch of his hand, Ellie shook to the point where she slowly started to collapse onto the floor. His touch literally made her melt as her legs felt as if they couldn’t support her.

    “Y-you’re… you’re here…” Ellie stuttered as she began to cry. “You’re here!”

    Her hands fully covered her face as Ellie was letting all of her feelings out. Proton knelt down beside her and began to rub her back in comfort. While he had done so, he used his other hand to remove her hat and run his fingers through her short dark purple hair. As he stopped, Proton then moved closer to her as he puts his arms around her, causing her to lean against his chest. Proton lets out tears as he couldn’t believe that he was in the moment. The girl he almost lost two years ago, the girl who admired him was now here and in his arms.

    While he held her in his arms, Ellie began to shake. The smell of his cologne lingering from his chest, his comforting body heat and the feeling of his warm breath hitting her face was enough to send chills down her spine. She was in Proton’s arms and she was trying her best to grasp that fact. The guy in which two years ago, she was fawning over him on the other side of the glass, is now holding her in his arms.

    Proton then took his right hand and slides it between where her knees were bent. He used his other arm to keep her in place as he began to stand up. With all of his might, he lifted her off the ground and held her close while she still continued to cry. However, once she opened her eyes and realized the position she was in, Ellie immediately blushed as she tried to push Proton off of her.

    “C-can you p-please not pick me up like this?” she asked. “I don’t like this position…”

    Proton nodded as he gently put her down on the ground in the standing position. As she stood up, Ellie tightly wrapped her arms around his waist while burying her head in his chest. While she was doing so, she felt her legs getting weak again as she tried her hardest to latch on to his shirt. Proton then puts his hands underneath her arms and once again, lifted her off the ground; however did so in a way that made her feel comfortable. He did so as if he was picking up a small child. Ellie proceed to wrap her arms around his neck as she leaned on his shoulder and wrapped her legs around his waist.

    “Is this Proton?” she asked while looking towards where Petrel was sitting.

    “Yes, it is,” Petrel chuckled as he got up and proceeded to walk towards the pair.

    As Petrel came closer he to, rubbed the girl’s back in comfort for a few minutes while he smiled at Proton. The aqua haired boy took his left hand and grasps his best friend’s shoulder while he did the same.

    “Why don’t you follow me to your office?” Petrel said as he proceeded to lead his friend to his office.

    Proton happily followed while holding Ellie tight in his arms. She just laid on his shoulder, enjoying every moment that was happening.

    “Don’t worry. Proton’s got ya,” Proton whispered as he gently rubbed Ellie’s back.
    Last edited by はるひ; 3rd September 2012 at 5:34 AM.
    岩根雅明=♡

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