Results 1 to 22 of 22

Thread: Invisible Hero (PG-13)

  1. #1

    Default Invisible Hero (PG-13)

    Advanceshipping AAML. After being saved by the social outcast, will the most popular girl in school, May, look at him differently? Romance, Humor and adventure!


    Invisible Hero

    Chapter 1

    "Brock Harrison?"

    "Here."

    "Dawn Berlitz?"

    "Here!" The blue haired girl waved happily into the air.

    "Uh, yes I see you....May Maple?"

    "Over here!"

    "And last but not least, Ash Ketchum?"

    "....."

    "Ash Ketchum?" The teacher looked up at the empty desk. Right when he was about to jot this down, the door opened. "Ash, you're late."

    Ash didn't say anything. He just walked to his desk and took a seat. He heard a few whispers from his classmates 'He's late everyday,' 'what a weirdo,' 'what's his problem?'

    "Ash, why are you late...again?"

    "It's none of your business....again." He said that last part with sarcasm.

    "That's it, detention!" the teacher said as he gave him a little slip.

    "That guy is so weird," Dawn whispered to May. "I mean, what's his problem?"

    "I don't know," the brunette whispered back. "That's odd, you thought he was cute the first time you saw him!" She teased her friend.

    "You know that I think every boy is cute! And that was before I found out that he's like...that!"

    May giggled at her answer.

    "Ehem." the teacher coughed getting their attention. "Alright kids, it's battling time and today we'll do king of the field." Everyone got exited and left for the battle field except for Ash who followed them slowly.

    It was Ash's second week at this new school so he was still new to the rules, not that he cared anyway. "What's king of the field?"

    Seeing no one answering the boy, the teacher sighed and replied, "It is a one on one battle where the winner stays on the field and the loser goes to the back of the line. The loser will heal their Pokemon over there before going to the back of the line." He pointed at a small machine that only had a slot for one pokeball.
    "The winner will have to stay and battle whoever is next in line until his Pokemon wears out. The winner is named King and if he beats ten challengers without losing, he/she gets two extra credit points. He also has the option of healing his Pokemon after every ten battles." he finished.

    Two people stood one on either side of the battlefield. A big line was at the side of the field. The teacher stood on the other long-side of the field. "Now the first battle will be between Brock and Drew. Begin."

    A young muscular man with spiky hair threw out his pokeball. "Go Geodude!" he yelled. The ball opened as a small rock Pokemon with a face appeared with two arms sticking out.

    On the other side, Drew flicked his hair and threw his pokeball. "Go Roselia!" A small flower Pokemon appeared in front of him.

    "Geodude use tackle!" Brock yelled as he pointed towards Roselia.

    "Geo!" the small rock Pokemon started gaining speed as it got closer.

    "Jump in the air to dodge it, then use stun spore," Drew commanded.

    With a smile on its face, Roselia jumped swiftly into the air and turned as it spread some sparkling powder onto the rock Pokemon.

    Geodude seemed to be paralized at the time. It tried to turn around towards its opponent but couldn't do it.

    "Geodude!" Brock cried. confused and terrified the man could not think of anything to do.

    Drew smerked, "Absorb." The flower Pokemon started draining all of Geodud's energy and soon enough, a squiggly circle appeared in each of Geodude's eyeys.

    The teacher put up his left hand pointing at Drew. "Geodude is unable to battle. The winner is Drew the new king."

    As Drew walked to the other end of the field where Drew was, everyone in the class clapped as the girls went wild except for Ash who just started at him with a smirk on his face.

    "Hmpf, too easy." Drew flicked his hair as he adapted to his new position. Drew won the next few battles with ease.

    "He's too good!"

    "No one can beat him!"

    "He's so cute!" The girls went wild but Drew only kept his eye on one particular girl...May. May blushed every time Drew looked over at her making the other girls jealous.

    "You're so lucky May!" Dawn squealed. "You two are perfect for each other. The most popular girl with the most popular guy!"

    "Stop it, you're embarrassing me." she smiled.

    The teacher started, "Now, the final challenger before Drew gets ten extra credit points. Ash Ketchum. Ash, chose your Pokemon."

    Ash didn't feel like battling. He knew they wouldn't stand a chance against him so he took his only pokeball and quickly hid it in his pocket. "I don't have a Pokemon."

    "Hmpf," Drew flicked his hair. "What a Dweeb."

    Everyone around started laughing and started making fun of Ash. "He is such a loser!" May said out loud catching Ash's attention. She quickly looked away hoping he didn't know it was her who said that.

    "A-are you sure you don't have a Pokemon?" The teacher asked. Ash just nodded and walked to the end of the line still hearing all the insults and jokes about him.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "C'mon c'mon c'mon May it's Wednesday which means it's shopping day!" Dawn jumped up and down filled with joy.

    "Yay! Finally some time away from school. I heard they opened a new store in the mall so let's go check it out!" The two girls rushed to the mall to find out what this new store sells.

    "Oh My GOD! Look at that skirt!" Dawn looked through the window of a store at a skirt that was half the size of what she was already wearing.

    "Um Dawn, don't you think your skirt is already small enough? I mean seriously, those guys back there are still drooling over your legs." May pointed at three guys about 20 feet away.

    "Yeah alright, fine. Gary wouldn't like me in this anyway."

    As the two searched the stores for something to buy, May spotted someone standing outside a store that sold cloths for girls. She tried to see who that person was when the boy turned around. Oh My God! Is that Ash? What is he doing at the mall? Especially outside a girls store? I have to check it out. "Hey Dawn, I have to go. I just remembered something that I have to do." May sprinted down with her bags full of cloths towards the black haired boy.

    "Wait but-What-Hmpf! Fine! I'll just go shopping on my own!" Dawn turned around and walked away.

    May tried her best to hide in the doorway of the store next to where Ash was. She saw him looking into the store as if he was waiting for someone. Then soon enough, a girl in a green T-Shirt came out. She had beautiful brown eyes and red hair. She wore a cute little white skirt and a white beret on her head. She came and gave a big hug to Ash and handed him her bags. They both smiled as they started walking away.
    What just happened? Does Ash have a g-g-girl friend? Nonono, it can't be. He's not a peoples person....or is he? I have to find out more. May quietly followed the two, hiding in stores and behind booths and signs. Ash and the mysterious girl seemed to be finished at the mall and started heading out. May followed them and hid in an alley where they won't be able to see her. As soon as she was about to go to a different hiding spot, a hand grabbed her mouth from the back and another arm around her body and pulled her deep into the alley.
    Last edited by momomon; 7th August 2012 at 7:09 PM.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    520

    Default

    This story is great!
    The idea that all are at school, the setting and description are 10/10
    And I liked that you show Dawn and May veery much...)
    But I hope that the mysterious girl is not Latias...I'm tired of it

  3. #3

    Default

    Thank you very much for the comment! I'm sorry I have to disappoint you on the second part...it is latias but she doesn't have any "relationship" with Ash. It'll turn out better nd I'm sure ull love it!

  4. #4

    Default Chapter two

    Chapter 2 The Savior


    "Oooh would you look at the pretty girl," a guy in a grey shirt said with an evil smile as cover May's mouth with one hand and held her down with the other.

    Another guy was on the other side of May and held her down as well. "I know, just look at her chest."

    "Quiet you two." A third guy walked up in front of May. "Now May, honey. What are you doing in this part of town? It's not safe for beautiful girls to be alone here." He took out a small pocket knife and pointed it at May. "The names Harley and do you know what we do to pretty girls here once we get a hand on them?" He grinned as he came closer to the helpless teen.

    No no NO! I have to do something! Without even thinking, May bit the hand that was covering her mouth and as soon as she felt the air hit her lips again, she gave the loudest scream her lungs could possibly offer. It was soon followed by a blurry vision and heavy breathing and before she even knew it, her conscious slipped out of her control.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "What was that?" Ash suddenly stopped walking and turned around to see who made that terrible scream. The girl next to him also seemed to be really worried. "You go on ahead to where it's safe. I'll go check it out." They both nodded to each other and split up.

    Ash ran, a little faster than his jogging speed but not fast enough to get panting. He looked around for a sign to who made that scream. After a few yards, he heard some voices coming out of an alley. He slowly came through, his back against the alley wall. He saw that the alley opened up to a wider area. Probably another one of those hobo hideouts. He came in closer to get a better view. He saw two guys holding an unconscious girl while the third tried to strip her from her cloths using his knife. Is that...Oh No! It's May! Ash quickly looked around for something that he could use. He found an old cane and thought of how he could use it. His other hand got hold of his only pokeball from his belt. He then dashed out to meet the four face to face as he threw his pokeball incase he needed it.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Ow my head.... Wh-where am I? What's with all the yelling? May started coming back but it wasn't enough for her to get a clear vision of what's happening. Before she passed out again, she heard a voice which seemed familiar to her followed by some footsteps.

    "Pikachu return. You did a good job."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Owww... May slowly stretched her arms to feel her surroundings. It seemed familiar to her. She opened her eyes, trying to ignore the fading headache. What am I doing in my room? She slowly sat up making sure this wasn't a dream. She pinched herself on her left arm. OW! Nope, it's real alright. May got out of her bed and made way for downstairs to the living room.

    "Honey your up!" A woman said. She had beautiful brown hair and calming blue eyes just like her.

    "How long was I out mom?"

    "Well, it's about 10:30 pm right now so maybe...four to five hours. Come on to the kitchen. I have you favorite ramen noodles ready." This seemed to cheer May up a bit.

    As they sat at the table, they started a little conversation. "Honey, do you remember anything from before you passed out?" Caroline asked.

    May tried to remember, and then it all came flooding back in. Her eyes started tearing up. "Th-they held me down a-and were talking about my chest....M-mom...th-they didn't r-ra-rape me did they?" Tears were now flowing fast down her cheeks.

    "No honey they didn't and don't even think about that okay?" She gave her daughter a warm hug. "A young man saved you from those horrible people."

    "R-really?" May seemed to relax after hearing this and started slurping her noodles again.

    "Yes. And by the way, I met one of your classmates today." She smiled.

    Classmate? "Who?"

    "He said his name was Ash Ketchum."

    "Pfft! You mean the reject?"

    "The reject?" Caroline was a bit surprised at hearing this.

    May seemed to be returning to normal as she talked on about the boy. "Yeah. He's a new kid at our school and a total social outcast. He doesn't even have any friends and he's always late to class. Hanging around with him would mean that you are about to kill yourself. He got nicknames like lonely Ketchum, invisible boy, outcast and the reject." She was about to start giggling at the thought of this boy when she was cut off by the harsh tone of her mother.

    "May you will not talk bad about anybody, especially this boy!" This caught May in surprise. "This is no way to talk about someone who just saved your life!"

    "S-saved my life? It was Ash?" She said in a whispering tone.

    Later that night, May could not sleep and kept thinking about what her mother told her. Ash saved me? But why? I thought he hated me after I pulled all those pranks on him.. Why did he save me? May did not notice how exhausted she was and so, pretty soon, she drifted off to sleep.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    While eating breakfast as a family, Caroline started talking, "Norman, have you gotten any news to how Ash is?"

    "Not yet but I'll check on him as soon as I get back from work."

    May interrupted their conversation, "Wait, did Ash get hurt trying to save me?"

    "Ye..." Caroline looked at Norman and he gave her a nod. She then turned back to May. "Yes. Let me tell you what happened...."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Flashback
    Ding Dong.


    "Who is it?" Caroline walked up to the door and opened it only to gasp at what she saw. "Wh-what happened!? May! Quick bring her in and put her on the couch."

    A young man with black hair carried to unconscious girl and did as he was told. "She'll be fine. She's just in shock right now and this is where May lives right?" he asked just to be sure.

    "Yes I'm her mother, What happened?" She looked over to the boy with sadness in her eyes.

    The boy started talking, "Well I was walking down the street when I heard a terrifying scream so I went to check it out. I saw two guys holding down a knocked out May, I'm guessing she let out the scream, while another guy tried to undress her with his knife."

    "Oh my,"

    "That's when I jumped in. I got them from the back by surprise and fought them off." He looked around until he found a clock. "It's getting late. I should get going." He started walking towards the door.

    "W-wait." Caroline said. Ash turned and looked back at her. "Please stay at least for dinner. You did save our daughter life."

    "Thank you for the offer but I must go."

    "Well at least tell me your name,"

    "My name is Ash-" His eyes started wondering off towards the roof. He made the last two words out before he passed out on the floor. "Ash Ketchum."

    Caroline saw the back and side of his shirt was stained with blood. "Oh no! Norman? Norman!"

    A fine middle-aged man came running from a different room. "What is it Car- Oh my!" He looked down at the boy on the ground. "What happened?"

    "Quick, call the ambulance! I'll tell you on the way there."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "He's resting at the hospital right now." Norman said as he got up from the table.

    May's eyes started tearing up again after hearing this and she thought about it on the way to school. She sat next to Dawn on the bus who wouldn't stop talking about boys but May was well experienced in avoiding her. He got hurt....? He saved me and then he got hurt...because of me.... If I hadn't...wait, what was I doing there? She thought hard and then remembered about the mysterious girl she saw with Ash. That girl, who is she? I need answers. But first, I have to see how Ash is doing. He did save my life.

    "MAY!" Dawn snapped her fingers in front of May's face.

    "Huh?"

    "You were daydreaming for about Six Whole Minuets! What's going on?" Her voice suddenly went from angry to worry.

    "N-nothing," May waved her hands trying to change the subject. "I'm fine Dawn." she smiled.

    In class that day, there was a substitute and so he didn't even bother taking attendance. May's eyes were fixed on the door hoping for a certain person to show up even if she knew he wouldn't be here.

    "Is there anyone missing?" the sub asked from the teacher's desk. No one answered and so he began moving his pen.

    "A-Ash Ketchum isn't here." May said. Everyone gasped at what they just heard and the sub just said okay and wrote it down.

    Dawn looked over at May, "May is everything alright? I mean, you noticed that the outcast isn't here! You're not supposed to do that. The most popular girl in school notices that the reject is missing?"

    May was going to defend the boy but said nothing. She went through the whole day like that, thinking about when the day will end. I have to check up on him. It's the least I can do. She felt a moment of relief and freedom when she heard the final bell and so she set out on her little mission.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    520

    Default

    Well written, like akways. I like the idea of making them like school and all, but if I were you. I won't make Ash a total outcast...and He got hurt by a knife, but he could have used his Pikachu instead and bolt these people...Am I right?

    Anyways, keep up the good work!

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    1,388

    Default

    Well a high school fic, not new. I've read many times before. If you want this fic to stand out from the other millions of high school fics try to make this story unqiue and add a something fresh as well. Also work on the leght of your story, describe more like after they talk, write what they are doing while talking or what they havea done after talking. I've seen a few but try to add as much as you can. Some times you don't have to. Do it in moderation.

    Also when in a new area of the story, introduce us into that scene. Tell us what is happen, where they are in, what time of day is it, is it raining or not etc. You have to paint us a picture of the image you have in your head. And also try not to start your story/new scene with people talking. Don't make the chapter exist simply on discussion of the characters. Make the whole chapter exciting, make us able to relate with one of the characters.

    I'll keep reading. Keep it up.

  7. #7

    Default

    Thanks ill take it into consideration. And what is leght? I'm really new at this stuff so I don't know much about writing XD

  8. #8
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    520

    Default

    she meant length of the story

  9. #9

    Default

    Oh okay...haha

  10. #10

    Default Chapter 3

    Chapter 3 Revenge



    May walked through the front gates. It was a small clinic. It didn't have a second floor but it stretched out pretty wide. She went up to the front desk. "Excuse me, which room would Ash Ketchum be in?"

    "Give me just one sec." The nurse behind the counter typed something in her computer. "Ah, he is in room 105. It is the third room on the right just down that hall." She pointed down a long hall.

    "Thank you." May smiled and started walking towards where the lady had pointed. What am I going to say to him?....Thank you?, Sorry? Eh, oh well. May turned her head and looked at the room number. "109. Looks like I came a bit too far." She turned around and spotted the room she was looking for. Ash she got closer, she saw the door open from the room where Ash was. A girl in a green shirt came out. It was that same girl May saw hanging out with Ash. She had a slightly sad expression on. Hey it's her! What is she doing here? "Excuse me?" The girl saw May. She froze for a second, then turned the other way and started running. "Hey wait!" May started sprinting, trying to catch up to her. The girl was headed for the exit but May was closing in fast. Gotcha! The girl ran out the door and May was right behind her. May came to a halt as soon as she exited the building. The girl was nowhere to be seen. What!? Where did she go? May looked around. Meters of empty space up to the parking lot but she couldn't spot the girl anywhere. But, she was right here.... It's like, she disappeared into thin air... After a few minuets of confusion, May headed back into the clinic/hospital.

    May walked up to room 105 and opened the door slowly. She gulped and peaked inside. She saw Ash on the bed with his eyes closed. Phew. He's sleeping. As she walked closer, Ash opened one eye to see who it was. This scared May and she stopped walking. Ash closed his eye again. "Um, hi...."

    "Hey." The boy on the bed responded. May felt a little more at ease and walked in closer. "So, how are you feeling?"

    "Okay I guess."

    "Um okay... Can I ask you a question?" Ash tilted his head towards May, his eyes still closed. "Well umm, why did you save me?"

    "Do you want me to not save you next time?"

    "No no, it's okay you can save me." Ash smirked at this and as soon as May found out what she just said, her face started turning bright red. "He he...." She looked around the room trying to find something that would make this less awkward. She spotted a pokeball on the counter. "Is that your pokeball?"

    "N-no i-it's not a pokeball." Ash stuttered. "I-it's a donut!"

    "Really, a donut?" May walked up to the pokeball and picked it up. It had a sticker on it that was shaped like a lightning bolt.

    "No don't open it! I-it is a donut."

    "Oh stop lying, I'm not that stupid!" May threw the pokeball into the air as Ash sighed. A small yellow creature appeared in front of her. It had pointy ears and a tail also shaped like a lightning bolt. It's cheeks had little red circles on them as it sat there on the ground. "OH MY GOD IT'S SO CUUUTEEE!" May quickly snatched it up and started squeezing and pulling it's cheeks.

    "May, you're gonna kill it."

    May saw how the Pokemon was suffering and quickly put it down. She then turned to Ash, "You had a Pikachu all along? Why didn't you use it in school? Is this the same Pikachu that you used to save me? Why did you lie to the teacher?"

    Ash covered his ears with his hands, "Agh! Too many questions!"

    "Oh sorry," May giggled. After they calmed down a bit, May started asking again.

    "Stop stop. You're gonna give me a headache. Fine, I'll give you one question and then you have to leave me alone."

    "Fine." May started thinking of what to ask. She then remembered the mysterious girl she saw. Okay now how should I bring it up? Maybe she is his girlfriend, although I highly doubt it.....Eh, worth a shot.
    "Do-d-do-do y-do-"

    Seeing how nervous the girl was getting, Ash had to do something. "What, are you gonna start singing now? Do do do." he said in a sarcastic way.

    May giggled a bit before she let it out, "Do you have a girlfriend?" She blushed hard after she asked that.

    Ash stared at her for a few seconds. "No."

    "Really? Then who was that girl that came in a few minuets ago?"

    Aw man, she saw her. "N-no. One question and that was it."

    "What, No! Please?"

    "No."

    "Just one more," May pleaded.

    "No."

    "Pleeeeaaaaaaassseeeeee?" May started making puppy faces. By the way Ash was staring at her, May could tell that even he could not resist.

    "F-fine. I'll introduce her to you one I get better."

    "Yay!" May jumped in joy and gave Ash a hug. She quickly broke away as they both blushed hard.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "Did you find it?" A man with broad shoulders said. He sat in an expensive leather chair looking into the video phone.

    "I found a trail. It's leading to a small city. It can't hide forever." A young boy said.

    "Good. I'll set up anything you need to fit into this place."

    "Okay."

    "You can't afford to fail anymore."

    "Yeah yeah, you said the same thing that last few times."

    The man sighed. "Just hurry." He had a Persian (cat Pokemon) on his lap which he petted once in a while.

    The boy put on a determined smile, "You can count on me uncle!" With that, he turned the video phone off.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The next few days, May has been checking on Ash every now and then. She also found out that her attacker was an upperclassman who got expelled the previous year and now he just roams the streets.

    "What! They did that to you?" Dawn was surprised to hear May's story. May kept the part out about Ash being the savior not knowing how Dawn would react. "May, we cannot and WILL not let this go by! I will get my troops ready and in a half an hour, we will avenge you." She pulled out her phone and started punching buttons faster than anyone May has ever seen.

    "Troops?"

    Dawn gave a devilish smile which made May worry. "Hehe..."

    Surely, in about 20 to 30 minuets, about 40 girls, all wearing short skirts like Dawn gathered around them. Some had angry faces. One girl even brought her Chihuahua.

    "All right girls, you know the plan." Dawn smiled.

    "Uh Dawn, What's going on?" Now May was seriously worried.

    "Don't worry May. You sit this one out and watch the fun." She ordered the girls to get to their hiding positions and they did so. It was about 3:00pm on a Saturday so not mane people were out at the time. May go inside a nearby office building and watched through the window. Dawn was walking around the streets looking for Harley, and sooner or later, he did show up. "Hey Harley, you wanna have some fun?" Dawn teased. Harley started drooling and came closer to Dawn. "Nu uh, not here. I have a better spot." She started skipping away and Harley started chasing her. When she stopped, Harley came close to her once again.

    SLAP!

    "Ow! What was that for?" Harley was caught by surprise as he rubbed his cheek.

    "That's for what you did to May you perv! Now Girls!" As soon as she said that, all the girls started coming out of their hiding spots: behind mailboxes, sitting on the bench, from around the corner, behind parked cars, and one -God knows how- seemed to fall from the sky. Her Chihuahua fell next to her. They all circled around Harley and started beating him. Slaps, punches, kicks, and insults flew around everywhere.

    Although May couldn't believe what she was seeing, she felt a little happy inside and gave out a little giggle. After all the commotion stopped, she decided to come out. The girls were all cheery and were giving each other high-fives while a half-dead boy laid on the ground groaning with a dog sitting on top of him.

    "What do you think May?" Dawn was excited.

    "Don't you think that was a bit too rough?"

    "After what you told us he did to you, I think that was the easiest punishment."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "Alright kids, we have two announcements today." It was a little over a week after May's incident. "We have a returning student, Ash Ketchum,"

    Most of the students just groaned at the sound of the name. "Can this class get any worse?" A green haired boy said as Ash took his seat.

    "And a new student. His name is Eric. You can come in now Eric." A young boy walked in the door. He had a plain red shirt and blue jeans on. His brown hair that glimmered when a lot of light was on it. He had nice round eyes and had a good build on the upper body but he seemed to look pretty fair. "Eric, you will be sitting there next to Drew." Eric looked to where the teacher was pointing and saw a green haired boy waving at him. He walked over and took his seat.

    May looked at the boy and then noticed something weird about her friend sitting next to her. "Dawn, are you okay?"

    "He's....so.....hot." Dawn drooled. Eric saw Dawn staring at him and so he gave a little wink. After he turned around, there was a loud thud. Everyone looked to where the sound came from and all they saw was Dawn, passed out on the ground with a smile on her face.

    You guys like it? I have the next chapter ready but I forgot to post this one up first. lol

  11. #11
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    520

    Default

    Ahaha
    This chapter was really funny!
    1)May irritated and gave Ash a headache in the hospital
    2)Dawn calling up for"roots"
    3)Dawn's Thud

    and some notices:
    -I think that the way May behaved in hospital doesn't suit her, it is Dawn's very girlish behaviour
    -Chihuahua in Pokemon fic? You could have used Snubull or Lillipup

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    1,388

    Default

    Hm, I think May is acting a little childish for me to comprehend. Also don't spam 'pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeee" like that, do it like,

    "Please?!" The brunette asked in a childish manner. Ash could tell by the way her eyes glimmered and her tone in her voice.

    It's less...annoying. Dawn's personality could use some work as well.

    Now you have introduced a OC. be careful not to make him the centre of attention and also try to make him able to relate to us so we can like him. Another nice chapter.

  13. #13

    Default

    Thanks for the correction. Ill try my best to avoid these errors. I hope u guys like the next chapter. Its not too far in the future!

  14. #14

    Default Chapter 4

    I do not own Pokemon
    Chapter 4 Battle


    It was King of the Court day once again. Everyone was exited except for three people: Ash- who didn't care, May- who was anxious to meet this new girl after school, and Dawn- who couldn't look away from Eric's brown eyes. Eric got scared once in a while by the look on the bluenett's face but he had to admit that he thought she was cute. As always, Drew dominated the battlefield. It came down to two students left, Ash and Eric. Since everyone thought that Ash didn't have a Pokemon, they signaled Eric to go up. He slowly went up took a look at Roselia and smirked. He reached for his belt and took out his only Pokeball and threw it in the air. "Let's go Raichu!"

    The ball opened in mid air and a large mouse type Pokemon showed up on the battlefield. It had orange and brown fur and the electric sacs on its cheeks were yellow. Behind it, a long, thin black tail moved around in the air shaped like a lightning bolt at the end. It gave a confident smile towards Roselia, "Rai!"

    The Raichu caught everyone's attention but one in particular, Ash. Ash stepped up closer to the battlefield to everyone's surprise. Huh, a Raichu? This should be good. Maybe battling this guy won't be that bad. A small smile came across his face.

    "Begin!" The teacher yelled.

    Drew quickly went for the first attack. "Go Roselia! Use poison sting!"

    "Double team Raichu!" Duplicates of Raichu appeared all over the field one by one as the poison sting went through them, but it wasn't enough to hit the real Raichu. "Now Raichu, finish it with iron tail!"

    All the different Raichus started running towards Roselia with their tail glowing.

    "Oh no! Roselia, try to find the right one and try to dodge it!" Roselia heard his trainer and tried to sense the real Raichu. He sensed the Raichu's breathing coming from straight ahead but it was too late.

    "Raiichuuuuuu!" Raichu swung its tail at Roselia, sending it flying into the wall behind Drew. Everyone was silent for a second and gasped at what just happened before breaking down to a thunderous applaud. Drew recalled his Pokemon and went to heal it while all the other students lined up to battle this new Raichu. Time went on but no one could defeat this powerful Pokemon.

    "Wow, it seems like we have a new King of the Cour-" The teacher was interrupted.

    "Wait." Everyone looked around to see Ash walk up to the battlefield and started laughing. Even the teacher snickered a little.

    "Ash, you said you don't have any Pokemon." The teacher said.

    "I'm human. I lie." Ash walked up to his spot and took out his pokeball to everyone's surprise.

    "Ooooh! He's gonna use Pikachu!" May squealed.

    "Huh?" Dawn looked at May.

    "You'll see!" May pointed towards the battlefield.

    Ash threw his pokeball which had a lightning bolt sticker on it. "Pikachu, I chose you!"

    The ball snapped open and a mouse type Pokemon appeared on the field. It was smaller in size than the Raichu since a Pikachu evolves into a Raichu. "Pi Pikachu!" Pikachu gave a smile towards Raichu.

    "Rai Rai!"

    Dawn looked at May again, with her hands on her hips. "How did you know Ash had a Pikachu?"

    May couldn't let her find out yet about her secret visits. "I uhh.... had a dream about it....?"

    "We need to have a talk after all of this is over." Dawn turned her gaze back towards the field while May sighed in relief. People from other classes started coming outside to the battlefield to watch the battle.

    "You ready Pikachu?"

    "Pi!"

    "Alright, use thunder!"

    Pikachu's body glowed yellow as it shot a powerful thunder straight towards Raichu. "Chuuuuuu!" When the attack finished, everyone gasped when they saw Raichu still standing there with a smile on it's face.

    Of course, Lightningrod! I can't believe I forgot!

    "Hehe, Raichu use iron tail!" Raichu started running towards Pikachu as it's tail started glowing.

    "Pikachu, you use iron tail also!"

    Pikachu followed his master's command. The two Pokemon clashed in mid-air and they both flew back by the force of the explosion they created. While the battle continued, Eric took out a small device that looked like a metal detector. He pointed it towards Ash and saw that the scanner read a five out of five. He gasped but then quickly hid it in his pocket again hoping no one would notice.

    "Raichu!" The larger Pokemon smirked at Pikachu.

    "Pi Pikachu!" the smaller one responded with a similar smile.

    "Pikachu, use quick attack!"

    "Double team!"

    Raichu started deploying copies of it self but Pikachu was too fast. It went through every single one of the copies until it hit the real Raichu causing it to slide back a few feet only. Ash was surprised at how little damage the quick attack had done.

    "That's a really fast Pikachu you have there."

    "Thanks, your Raichu is pretty strong as well."

    "All right Raichu, show them what a real thunder looks like."

    "Rai," It responded as it let out a burst of lightning towards Pikachu. "Chuuuu!"

    "Pikachu, try to take in the attack!"

    "Pi!" Pikachu got into a defensive mode as he waited for the impact. Unfortunately, Raichu's thunder was too powerful even for Pikachu to stand without taking damage. It let out a small cry as it got shocked.

    Ah! Raichu's thunder is too strong...I have to think of another way.

    "Raichu use dig!"

    Raichu quickly dug a whole into the ground and jumped in.

    I got it! "Pikachu now's our chance! Use Thunder!"

    Pikachu understood immediately what his trainer was talking about and let out its most powerful thunder attack.

    "What is he doing?" Eric couldn't figure out what Ash was up to. He, with the audience, watched as the Thunder was aimed towards the ground. It seemed like a earthquake took place. The ground moved like water as a wave of earth and lightning moved across the battlefield. Sooner or later they heard a scream as Raichu was shot up from the ground.

    "Now Pikachu, finish it with Volt Tackle!" Ash yelled.

    Pikachu started gaining speed, fast. It's body glowed as a shield of lightning covered its body. It looked at its target which was still several meters off the ground. "Pikapikapikapikapikapika...."

    Eric knew he had to stop that volt tackle or else it would be over. "Raichu, use you strongest thunder!" Eric yelled at the top of his lungs.

    The sky suddenly got dark as black clouds circled the battlefield. From the center of the clouds, a strong beam of lightning came striking down onto Raichu. Raichu then directed the beam straight towards Pikachu. The force and energy of the lightning kept Raichu from falling so he was literally floating in the air.

    "This is it Pikachu, jump and start spinning! Use Raichu's thunder to power up your volt tackle!"

    Pikachu used all his might to take off into the air spinning. Raichu's thunder came in contact with Pikachu's shield of Lightning but since Pikachu was spinning, the thunder did not hit its target straight on. Instead, it spiraled around Pikachu as it came closer. Raichu's eyes got big as it saw Pikachu closing in.

    The audience didn't dare blink incase they missed something.

    "CHUUUUUUU!!!!!!"

    The explosion was so big, every single person was knocked off their feet except for Ash and Eric. They weren't going to let any explosion keep them from staying in the battle. People got up as fast as they could to see what happened. The smoke started clearing and the sun was making its way through the clouds. Theirs eyes searched the field until they saw two figures standing face to face only a few feet away from each other panting heavily. Neither trainer gave any command for they knew that it was now up to the strength of the Pokemon alone.

    "Pi...." Pikachu smiled towards Raichu letting it know that this was one of the best battles he has ever had.

    "Rai..." Raichu agreed with a smile but it quickly faded as it fell onto its back, "Chuu...."

    The teacher pointed his hand towards Ash declaring him the winner. Everyone who didn't know who Ash (most of the people) was went wild for being able to witness this amazing battle and everyone who knew Ash, just stood there with their mouths wide open, unable to comprehend what just happened.

    Enjoy!

  15. #15
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    520

    Default

    Great chapter, as I enjoyed Pikachu and Raichu battle very much!) But, you know, I didn't understand how Volt Tackle powered up by Thunder could have defeated Raichu...Where was Lightningrod at that moment? Raichu shouldn't have taken damage from it

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    1,388

    Default

    If Raichu had LightningRod ability then shouldn't it take no damage from Pikachu's electric attacks? It's like saying a fire type can get burnt. Anyway i love that your getting more detail with the scenes, i really like that. Now try to make your dialogue more fun and interesting to read. Also work on the length if you can, maybe add a extra paragraph for each chapter you write so you can get the hang of writing long chapters. I like this chapter, it was really interesting and somewhat, fun to read.

  17. #17

    Default

    I guess I was thinking of the physical contact with raichu and the speed pikachu was at tht caught raichu in surprise. Thnx for pointin this out. Another thing I should work on! Hope u guys will support in the next chapters!

  18. #18

    Default Chapter 5

    Chapter 5 Mystery Girl


    "What? I'm busy so make this fast Eric."

    "Oh give it a rest. You're always busy but I'm pretty sure that you'd make time for this." Eric smiled into the videophone.

    The broad shouldered man put down the papers that were in his hands and calmed down a bit. "Alright, I'm all yours."

    Eric looked around the Pokemon center before continuing. "I found it."

    "Found what?" The man seemed confused.

    "IT! The thing that I came here for!"

    "O-oh, oh okay. That thing. So where is it.?"

    "I haven't seen it yet but I know that it is very close to one of the students in my new class. I scanned him with my scanner and it was a five meaning he had direct contact. His name is *** Catcher, or something like that and I just had a battle with him."

    "How'd it go?"

    "I lost." The man's eyes on the screen got big. "He has a really strong Pikachu."

    "Your Raichu lost to a Pikachu?" The man was about to start giggling.

    "Hey! I don't see you coming out here to do any of the dirty work. All you do is sit in that chair with your stupid Persian and give out commands!" Eric saw that his uncle was about to blow when he heard the word stupid followed by Persian. "I-I mean cute Persian...hehe.." He tried a little laugh as he scratched his head.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The two of them were walking down a path through a beautiful park. There was a small playground a little far to the left and a stream went parallel with the path on the right. Not many people were around so it was quite calming. A few Pokemon were playing tag in an open field.

    "Sooo where are we going?" May said in a childish voice.

    "You'll see." Ash replied.

    They walked until they reached what seemed like a gate made of two giant trees about six feet away from each other. It looked like a normal gate in the middle of a park with nothing on the other side of it. The ancient writing seemed to decorate the gate in a beautiful gate. Ash stopped walking right in front of the gate. "What's wrong?" May stopped walking also.

    Ash turned his face towards May, "May, what you're about to see...you have to promise me that you will never bring anyone here nor will you tell anyone about this place or what you are about to see."

    May was getting nervous at Ash's serious tone. "Uh okay...." She watched as Ash walked up to one side of the gate (one of the trees). He pulled up a branch that was hanging down and grabbed a little metal hook that was sticking out of the tree. He rested his hand there for few seconds as he took a deep breath before finally giving it a tug. He let go and stepped back next to May. May watched as the ancient writing started glowing blue as did the inside of the gate. No one other than the two seemed to notice this as they walked by. May looked at Ash and gave a weak smile and signaled May to walk through the gate. "Nu Uh! I don't know what's in there!" Ash sighed and grabbed May's hand making her blush. He walked in through the gate and pulled her in with him. As soon as the light disappeared, May's mouth fell open and her eyes got BIG. She watched in awe as her brain tried to comprehend everything her eyes captured. It was the most beautiful thing she ever saw. She looked ahead to where a gurgling noise was coming from and saw a giant waterfall. The water came down crashing into a small lake creating a rainbow. Even with the crashing water from the fall, the lake still somehow seemed to be as calm as it could be. It seemed as smooth as silk and even from that far, she could see a clear reflection in the water. A small fountain was in the middle of the lake where water came out in a steady flow out of the mouth of a statue shaped like a Pokemon. A path led down to each side of this wonderful place. Trees and flowers filled the grounds in a organized manner. To each side there was a playground. May turned her head to see behind her and saw mountains in the distance. She looked back towards the waterfall and saw that another path led to the top of the fall. She then noticed that the waterfall was coming from the inside of the mountain and there were water slides on wither side of it. The smell of nature went up her nostrils as she felt the cool breeze go through her hair and she could almost taste the fresh water just by looking at it. She felt like she was in a dream and she didn't want to lose it. She felt something in her hand and squeezed it, making sure she wouldn't let go.

    "Ehem..."

    May looked over to where that noise came from and saw a boy with black hair blushing hard. She then looked down and saw that she was squeezing his hand. She quickly let go and tried to hide her blush.

    "Well uh...do you like it?"

    "Like it? I LOVE it! This place is like a dream. But what is this place and where is that girl you talked about?" Suddenly, a beach ball came flying straight towards Ash's face and knocked him down. May didn't know if she should laugh or feel sorry so she just looked over to where the ball came from and saw the same green shirted girl giggling. She came closer and gave another giggle as she watched Ash get up.

    "Very funny," Ash blunted as he rubbed his cheek.

    "Hi I'm May. What's your name?" May held out her hand towards the girl. The shook hands but the girl didn't say anything. "Umm I asked your name,"

    "She can't talk May." Ash interrupted.

    "Oh I'm so sorry I didn't know." May turned towards Ash, "How did it happen?"

    "No no," Ash chuckled, "She can't talk because she's not human."

    May didn't buy it. "Ash, stop lying! You are really bad at it also."

    Ash sighed, "I guess we have to show her." They both looked over to the girl who had a huge grin on her face. Her body started glowing as the shape of her body changed, getting a little smaller in size as it hovered slightly in the air.

    "W-What's happening?" May got scared. After the light disappeared, a red-white Pokemon floated in the air with a smile on its face.

    "May, I'd like you to meet my friend, Latias." Latias flew around May in a circle trying to show off her beauty. It came closer to May so she could pet it.

    "Oh my- I-I don't know what to say..." She reached out and felt the soft fur run through her fingers. A smile came across her face and this made Ash give a sigh of relief.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "Where were you yesterday?" Dawn looked at May as they rode the bus to school.

    "You wouldn't believe me if I told you! I was-" May was getting excited, but then remembered the promise she made to Ash about keeping everything a secret. The excitement left her face. "I was at PokeDonalds."

    "PokeDonalds? Are you trying to get fat? I can help you with that you know." Dawn said with sarcasm.

    They were always the first two on the bus and as other students got picked up, the driver wouldn't let anyone sit in one of the seats. She said that it was reserved and it just happened to be across from May and Dawn. The bus started going a different direction than it usually did. "Where are we going? We've never been here before." May said trying to look out the window over Dawn's big head. The bus took a turn and started approaching what seemed like a mansion. Everyone gasped as they stared at the enormous house. A path led down from the house through the front yard, which had gardens on either side, to the main road. A brown haired boy stood at the intersection with a backpack on his back.

    "NO WAY!!..." Dawn was trying to stick her head out the window to get a better look but the wind was messing up her hair and there was no way she'd let that happen.

    The bus stopped and the doors opened. "Your seat is over there." The bus driver said. Footsteps were heard at first and then it was clear whose feet had made those sounds. Eric walked down the isle to the only empty seat for two and sat down. He sat on the window side and put his bag next to him. The bus took off.

    "It's..it's...it's..."

    "Eric." May finished the sentence for Dawn.

    "Yes..." Dawn looked at Eric over May's head. "Switch seats with me!" Without even waiting for an answer, Dawn jumped over towards May threatening to sit on her with her short skirt if she doesn't move. May scooted over as fast as she could to safety. "H-hey Eric,"

    Eric turned to see where his name was called from and saw the same scary, but cute, bluenett staring at him. "Hey Dawn." He smiled back.

    Dawn turned towards May and the smile on her face even made May jump in surprise, "He knows my name!!!" Dawn squealed.

    "Nooo!" May said with sarcasm although Dawn didn't understand it.

    "Yess!!" She squealed again making everyone around sweatdrop.
    Enjoy!

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    1,388

    Default

    Nice chapter but that paragraph in the middle it too big and blocky. Cut it down to at least 2-3 paragraphs. I couldn't read a thing in that paragraph. It was just too big.

    Other than that this was a nice chapter.

  20. #20

    Default

    Thanks for pointing that out. I guess I got carried away when I was writing! I'll make sure that doesn't happen in the future!

  21. #21

    Default Chapter 6

    Chapter 6 Popular

    It was finally lunch time. The 45 minuets were looked forward to everyday by every single person in the school, even the teachers. Every one was pretty much in their place, the rich kids had their own giant table, the poor hung around each other, the coolest and most populist people had their own area, and then there was Ash, the only one at his table near the back of the cafeteria. May had just gotten her favorite raymon noodles and was looking around for a place to sit. Dawn waved at her from the cool people table. May looked at who was sitting there. It was just like everyday and her seat would always end up being the one next to Drew. She looked around at the other tables and saw Ash eyeing her. As soon as their eyes met, he blushed and looked away towards his food.

    "May, I've been waving at you for like forever! My hand is getting tired. Look, we even saved you a seat next to Drew!" She pointed at the only available seat next to the green haired boy.

    "Actually, I think I'll sit somewhere else today." May walked past Dawn and headed towards where Ash was seated. Ash felt someone approaching, and he knew who it was, but he didn't dare look. "Hey, can I sit here?"

    Ash looked towards the voice and said nothing. May then noticed that her little question had echoed through the whole cafeteria and everyone was staring at her. She looked around at all the faces and wondered why everyone was staring at her. "What?"

    Dawn came running to her and whispered making sure not too many people heard her. "What are you doing?!"

    "I'm gonna sit next to Ash. Why, is there a problem?"

    "Of coarse there's a-" She noticed that Ash stopped eating when he heard Dawn. "I mean, no...there's no problem".

    "Well then I guess that's settled." May took a seat right next to Ash making him blush a little bit more.

    "But you can't!" Dawn sat down next to May. "I mean, it's just the two of-"

    "Hey guys, mind if I sit here?" Eric came and sat across the table from Ash.

    Dawn started having another one of her fast outbursts, "Yes No. I mean I'm Dawn. You're hot!" She quickly grabbed her mouth before anything more embarrassing came out. Eric wasn't sure if he was surprised at what Dawn just said or if he was amazed at how she said it.

    "What my friend here means, of coarse you can sit here. She was just about to go get her lunch and come sit here as well. Isn't that right Dawn?" May started elbowing the hardly blushing girl. Dawn, still covering her mouth, just nodded and ran off.

    Eric looked at Ash, "That was a great battle you gave me there the other day. I never had a Pikachu beat my Raichu."

    "Uh thanks. Your Raichu was a pretty tough match also."

    Dawn came back a little more relaxed than before and took a seat next on the other side of Ash so she could get a good front view of Eric. She didn't notice Ash beginning to tremble between the two beautiful girls. But May noticed this and took advantage of the chance. She scooted closer to Ash, "Yup. Ash sure does have a lot of surprises. Isn't that right Ash?"

    Ash was almost sweating. He had never been stuck in a situation like this. "Uh-mm-yeah....?" Everyone at the table started laughing at the little drama.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    It was after school and all the students were heading back home for the weekend. May was waiting for someone outside the classroom door. When she saw her target, she slowly approached him. "Hey Ash."

    "Oh hey May."

    "Umm I was wondering if, u know, I could visit that place again?"

    "I don't know May. I can't let other people find out."

    "Pleeeaaasee? I'll be extra careful." She put on the irresistible puppy face on again.

    "F-fine. But make sure no one follows you or knows about this."

    "Okay!" May said happily.

    unfortunately, they didn't know that someone was eavesdropping on them and heard everything. "Hmm, I wonder what place they're talking about."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    It was around six in the afternoon when May was waiting at a bench in the park not far from the magical gate. "Oohhh where is he?" May looked around as far as her eyes would let her but she didn't spot any black haired boy with auburn eyes. She waited a few more minuets when she suddenly felt something touch her hair on the side followed by a whisper into her right ear.

    "Booh,"

    May jumped up screaming and fell on the ground in front of the bench. She turned around to see Ash laughing so hard, he couldn't breath.

    "That was NOT funny!"

    "You should've seen your face!" Ash made out from all the laughter.

    "I'll show you!" May took out her pokeball and chucked it into the air. Unfortunately, before it could snap open, it went and hit Ash square in the forehead. They both stayed still before Ash grunted and fell backwards. The pokeball, still on his face, snapped open and a small fire type Pokemon came out and landed on Ash's chest. It had red fur and no arms/wings. It also had a tiny beak.

    "Ow what was that for!?" The pokeball rolled off his face and he looked at the Torchic. "A Torchic, huh. Wow. Isn't that scary." The Torchic jumped off of Ash letting him get up.

    "You deserved that and are you calling my Pokemon weak?" May stood up as well and put her hands on her hips. Ash mumbled something to himself. "What was that?" She yelled.

    "N-nothing!" Ash said as he waved his hands in surrender.

    "That's right! And I'll have you know that Torchic is one of my strongest Pokemon."

    "Heh, I'd like to see what your weakest Pokemon is then." Ash rubbed the spot where the pokeball hit him.

    "It-I-I didn't want to bring it with me today."

    "Yeah sure."

    "Hey!" May raised a fist.

    "Alright alright chill! Let's just get going before someone sees us." Ash started walking towards the gate.

    "Oh yeah," May's anger left her. "I almost forgot why we came here in the first place." She followed Ash to the gate.

    They make such a cute couple. But I wonder what they're doing with that gate? The person thought as he/she moved to a different tree to get a better look. He/she watched as Ash did something to one of the trees that was the side of the gate and everything started lighting up. No way! He/she saw Ash and May step through the light and quickly sprinted for it before it disappeared.

    "This place is so beautiful! We should come here everyday!" May looked around at the wonderful garden and then towards the waterfall. She remembered how the last time she came, she got to play with Latias on the playground and also hangout with Ash. "Hey Latias, where are you?" May yelled. "Do you want to play some more like last time?" She heard a splash from the small lake and looked towards it. Latias, in Pokemon form, just came out of the lake and was flying towards her with a smile.

    Latias first went to Ash and circled around him. "Hey Latias. I'm happy to see you as well."

    Latias then flew towards May but went to a sudden halt. Her smile turned to a frown. "Is something wrong?" May was confused and a little bit scared by the look on the legendary Pokemon's face. She then noticed that Latias was staring at something behind them. She and Ash turned to see what Latias was staring at.

    Ash got into a battling pose. "You sense someone don't you Latias?" He said with a serious tone.

    Latias then shot its signature move, Mist Ball, towards some bushes. There was a small explosion and the a scream came out making both Ash and May gasp and jump at the same time.

  22. #22
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    520

    Default

    Great and interesting Chapter! I liked many things:
    May had just gotten her favorite raymon noodles and was looking around for a place to sit
    Raymon noodles? Well, that's great! My noodles have finally become popular!)

    Secondly, how Dawn closed her mouth after some embarassing words

    Thirdly, how Ash scared May. It was really funny

    But here what I noticed.
    What my friend here means, of coarse you can sit here.
    of course

    P.S.I think that the mystery man, who came afte Ash/May is Dawn

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •