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Thread: Cheating on your partner.. is it as wrong as people make it out to be

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    Quote Originally Posted by Klizcool View Post
    Even if you have permission (the movie Hall Pass),
    There is such a thing as an open relationship you know, what if say the two people made a vow to stay faithful to each other while at the same time still be open to other relationships? You cant call other peoples mutual decisions immoral like that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Klizcool View Post
    Don't even dare point to biological needs either. You have a brain that can control your instincts. Use your brain.
    Denying your biological needs is denying a part of you, that is very much a human and for the most part animalistic aspect of our being, considering we ARE animals. That, and its very eassy to get swept up in the mood and lust of things. Bear in mind Im talking in the context of an open relationship.

    Ill get back to you later psychic, need to get my replies in order.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    Which is why Cheaters makes me laugh everytime. XD

    But yeah, even in modern times, I've seen people, girls in particular, being overly controlling on who their partners could hang out with and be friends with. I mean, why should your partner stop being friends with a certain person because *YOU* don't like them?
    Exactly! Everyone needs friends, that's mean people in a relationship too. Yeah your girlfriend/boyfriend is important, but so are close friends. It's up to you to find a healthy balance.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Psychic View Post
    Really? I don't anything about the subject aside from what I found from a quick Google search, so can you elaborate?
    The feeling tends to be evoked outside of marital affairs, its hard to explain but ill give an example in a sec.

    Quote Originally Posted by Psychic View Post
    Huh, interesting. It sounds like the point and feelings that are associated with netorare are very different from those of cuckoldry when we talk about the fetishization of it. Mainly, from what I understand, because the thrill of literally having one's partner cheat on them is more about humiliation, whereas watching netorare is more about provoking jealousy. (Also, we do seem to be talking about having it happen in your life VS just watching/reading about it.)

    For the most part you hit the nail on the head.

    Heres a prime example regardless, long read but well worth the effort to understand the concept.

    Edit: Ignore the attached image, i tried uploading the file directly to serebii initially but the resolution was messed up

    Edit2: Actually looking back at it theres some inappropriate material in the image so Ill take it down. Ill pm it to you how ever.
    Last edited by Psychic; 3rd November 2012 at 7:36 PM. Reason: Removal of inappropriate content

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    Quote Originally Posted by Psychic View Post
    Really? I don't anything about the subject aside from what I found from a quick Google search, so can you elaborate?



    Is it that rare to love more than one person at once? Have you never read a book or seen a movie or tv show or video game with a love triangle, where someone has to choose between two people they care deeply about? It's been a common theme throughout history because we're human. I'd say it's less that it's "not right" and more that it isn't fair to the objects of affection.




    ~Psychic
    ok the books and movies thing: one person found it successful so other ppl blew it up and tried making money off it. Im sorry but thats what it seems like to me. and Im not saying that doesnt happen: but books and movies, thats fiction. sure, it encourages others to do the same and all that. and I don;t really count that as the same thing. I meant polygamy kind of thing. that is what ppl think is "love." the example of "love triangle" is more like "crush triangle" and makes a good story, but its not "love." love is a term that society has really killed. it's used as the same thing as "like" and I find that sad. I think real love would stop someone from cheating. the rest is lust or two ppl had a crush on each other and wanted to get married only to find they didn;t like each other much. there are other scenarios. but thats what I see most of the time. and true, not fair. But I see it as wrong as well as unfair. and even in those books and movies and such, at the end, they get married. they fall in love and the protagonist doesn't go back to the other guy (at the very end). cheating isn't a love triangle or a game. it's a lie. it's breaking a promise (at least in marriage) so yes I see it as wrong.

    and yes, cheating hurts the kids, I didn't say it didn't. I meant that they'll follow the cheaters example and go down that road and do it themselves.
    Last edited by BearTown; 3rd November 2012 at 11:52 PM.


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    Quote Originally Posted by ansem the wise View Post
    yeah i mentioned my friend who has had both parents cheated on. he is so repulsed by that he didnt want to see the hunger games cuz katniss ended up with you know who (im not here to give spoilers)
    You had me until the Hunger Games part. Katniss didn't actually cheat on anyone is any of the books, because she was never in a relationship with Gale in the first place. If they're not in a relationship, it's not cheating.

    Seriously, it's ridiculous how people try to shame Katniss over something she didn't do. :/ (Also, it's been long enough that we don't have to worry about spoilers.)


    Quote Originally Posted by Klizcool View Post
    I don't see cheating on your spouse as morally right. Even if you have permission (the movie Hall Pass), you're still violating the sacred vow that YOU made to that other person. Now, I'm not religious, but a promise is a promise, not matter who you make it to. Cheating is lying to your spous that you would remain ever faithful. Don't even dare point to biological needs either. You have a brain that can control your instincts. Use your brain.
    Just to clarify, a spouse is a husband or wife, so your post kind of leaves out anyone who isn't married. "Partner" is a more inclusive term and probably closer to what you had in mind.

    Either way, if you have permission to do it, it isn't cheating. Cheating means having sex with someone without your partner's consent. If you have their consent, it is no longer cheating. Not everyone makes a "sacred vow" to be monogamous, especially if they're unmarried.


    Quote Originally Posted by ???2 View Post
    Exactly! Everyone needs friends, that's mean people in a relationship too. Yeah your girlfriend/boyfriend is important, but so are close friends. It's up to you to find a healthy balance.
    It's less an issue of having friends outside the relationship, and more about jealous partners who don't want their partner to have friends outside the relationship. It's a symptom of a controlling relationship, and it's rarely healthy.


    Quote Originally Posted by The renegade View Post
    The feeling tends to be evoked outside of marital affairs, its hard to explain but ill give an example in a sec.

    For the most part you hit the nail on the head
    I'm still not 100% sure what the point is of reading such stories then - why would you read something that just makes you angry? But anyway, taking it to PM.


    Quote Originally Posted by BearTown View Post
    ok the books and movies thing: one person found it successful so other ppl blew it up and tried making money off it. Im sorry but thats what it seems like to me.
    Uh, this has been a trope in writing for hundreds of years. It's been a pervasive aspect of the human experience, much the same as recurring themes such as greed and revenge since the beginning of literature. That is why it's been a theme for this long - because people understand and relate to the idea of loving more than one person. And I'm not pulling this out of my butt; I've studied English literature for 5 years, and I've read some pretty damn old stories where this was a theme.

    If you don't believe me and want examples, the TV Tropes page has a few.


    Quote Originally Posted by BearTown View Post
    and Im not saying that doesnt happen: but books and movies, thats fiction. sure, it encourages others to do the same and all that. and I don;t really count that as the same thing.
    Have you ever heard the term "art emulates life"? When we create stories, we draw feelings and experiences and ideas from our own lives, because we understand them and audiences relate to them. There's a reason love and revenge have been in our stories in all cultures for hundreds of years, and it's because people have always related to those stories. Therefore, these tales of loving multiple people wouldn't have been in our cultural history all this time if we didn't somehow relate to them.


    Quote Originally Posted by BearTown View Post
    I meant polygamy kind of thing. that is what ppl think is "love." the example of "love triangle" is more like "crush triangle" and makes a good story, but its not "love."
    Excuse me, but how do you know what other people think and feel? Who made you an expert on the emotional capacities of others? Just because you can't love multiple people at once does not mean it's impossible for everyone.

    There are multiple types of love triangles, yes, but they are not limited to "crushes." Since you don't want to believe me, here is the TV tropes page with examples of the different types of love triangles, including but not limited to the one I mentioned, with examples. This page also has prime examples of the type of love triangle I am referring to, though it is a very specific trope with specific character archetypes.


    Quote Originally Posted by BearTown View Post
    love is a term that society has really killed. it's used as the same thing as "like" and I find that sad.
    I find it sad when people claim they understand the love every other person on earth ever has or ever will possibly feel in their lifetime.

    I get what you're trying to say, but you should also question why you think you can dictate what love is. I have my own opinions about love as well, and while I may be more inclined to look down on say teenagers who claim to be in "twoo wub," when it comes to mature and consenting adults, I acknowledge that they know what they're feeling and it's not my business.


    Quote Originally Posted by BearTown View Post
    I think real love would stop someone from cheating.
    I'm not really sure why "real love" (versus "fake love" or something?) would magically stop someone. You can be in love with someone, but still feel emotionally/physically unfulfilled at a given moment and make a stupid decision. I'm obviously not saying that's an excuse or that makes it okay, but I don't think "real love" is as magical as you imply.


    Quote Originally Posted by BearTown View Post
    the rest is lust or two ppl had a crush on each other and wanted to get married only to find they didn;t like each other much. there are other scenarios.
    Right, let's put it this way: you can be in love with more than one person in your lifetime. That's a fact. Whether or not things work out and you live "happily ever after" for the rest of your life is irrelevant - you can love someone intensely and deeply but still not spend the rest of your life with them for whatever reason. (Maybe things don't work out, maybe you're not allowed to see each other anymore, maybe they die, etc.) But you can still fall in love again, and love someone just as deeply and truly as you did the first person. It's not impossible - many widows find love again, for instance, and who are you to tell them that they didn't love their dead spouse as much as the new person equally? You must concede this.

    My point, therefore, is that if one can love multiple people equally in one's lifetime, what is to then stop them from being able to love multiple people simultaneously?


    Quote Originally Posted by BearTown View Post
    and even in those books and movies and such, at the end, they get married. they fall in love and the protagonist doesn't go back to the other guy (at the very end). cheating isn't a love triangle or a game. it's a lie. it's breaking a promise (at least in marriage) so yes I see it as wrong.
    Few points here, so let's take it one at a time.

    "And they got married and lived happily every after" - you're right, of course. In many stories, there has to be a final decision, because most people are not suited for polygamous relationships. But that does not by necessity mean that the hero loved that person exclusively all along. Sometimes that may be the case, sure, but in others they may really have loved both equally and just had to make a choice.

    We are currently talking about cheating and love triangles as two separate things, so let's please not get them confused. Nobody is saying "being in a love triangle gives you the right to cheat." Keep that in mind for the next point.

    What if you're not married or in a relationship with either person? This goes back to the Hunger Games issue - Katniss has feelings for both Gale and Peeta, and while she doesn't really say no to either of them for awhile, she is not actually in any kind of relationship with either of them in the first book, so she's not doing anything wrong if she kisses one or the other.


    Quote Originally Posted by BearTown View Post
    and yes, cheating hurts the kids, I didn't say it didn't. I meant that they'll follow the cheaters example and go down that road and do it themselves.
    But I'm saying that because the kids will know what it's like to feel hurt and betrayed by cheating, they're less likely to want to do it and thus hurt someone else. In fact, most children who experienced this were more likely to be less trustworthy, and that their views of love and relationships were generally hurt. I have seen some evidence supporting your idea, however.

    That said, a child should never have to know if a parents committed adultery. It is absolutely none of the child's business and should be worked out between the adults alone. There is no benefit to the child knowing what happened.


    ~Psychic

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    all right: first of all: I respect that you've taken literature for five years and will take your word on that. (not sarcastic, honest, your right on the literature, I am wrong.)
    second: can you define love for me? just so I can understand the basis on which your argument lies and compare my definition to yours.


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    Quote Originally Posted by Psychic View Post
    You had me until the Hunger Games part. Katniss didn't actually cheat on anyone is any of the books, because she was never in a relationship with Gale in the first place. If they're not in a relationship, it's not cheating.

    Seriously, it's ridiculous how people try to shame Katniss over something she didn't do. :/ (Also, it's been long enough that we don't have to worry about spoilers.)

    ~Psychic
    true but in his eyes, she was with gale first so she should have stayed with him.

    either way cheating is bad, and effects the children, usually negatively.
    and if u want to leave ur mate...just leave them, dont do it then tell them... morons.
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    I think that cheating in a relationship is not a good idea because if effects both of you and also effects the way you two trust each other.


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    Communication on both sides needs to happen. It's not just the cheater, but I'm going to leave it there.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    Communication on both sides needs to happen. It's not just the cheater, but I'm going to leave it there.
    Yes, but we all know when someone cheats, it's not their fault, but the person who they cheated on. I mean, that makes so much more sense..lol.

    Sometimes the victim doesn't even know there's anything wrong in their relationship, so it's the cheater's responsibility to open up and start the topic of conversation to their partner before they go off and sleep with some random guy/girl.

    Stop defending people who cheat. Really, it's not cute.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mandi. View Post
    Yes, but we all know when someone cheats, it's not their fault, but the person who they cheated on. I mean, that makes so much more sense..lol.

    Sometimes the victim doesn't even know there's anything wrong in their relationship, so it's the cheater's responsibility to open up and start the topic of conversation to their partner before they go off and sleep with some random guy/girl.

    Stop defending people who cheat. Really, it's not cute.
    I agree that it can partly be the fault of the other person. But that doesn’t excuse what the cheater did. It harms more than just them, it can destroy multiple families in one night…its no small matter.
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    Dude, stop putting words in my mouth. I said initially that it happens on both sides. I'm not defending anyone's actions. I'm allowed not to be some hardcore ***** who throws people away like trash you know.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    Dude, stop putting words in my mouth. I said initially that it happens on both sides. I'm not defending anyone's actions. I'm allowed not to be some hardcore ***** who throws people away like trash you know.
    Well if you're cheated on, you have a right to throw away what they are, simply trash.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    Dude, stop putting words in my mouth. I said initially that it happens on both sides. I'm not defending anyone's actions. I'm allowed not to be some hardcore ***** who throws people away like trash you know.
    It does happen on both sides, but regardless, it happens at the discretion of the person who decides to do it before talking to their spouse about it. Communication after it happens is an option, sure, but wouldn't it be a little more favorable to try ironing out difficulties before you go the more dramatic (and possibly divorce-prompting) route?

    Ultimately, society thinks being anything but monogamous is reprehensible, but it's less about monogamy to me than it is about communication ("hey, just wanna be clear, how do you feel about extramarital partners?") and trust ("I don't mind if you do this and this, but at least ask me and let me know first").


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    Quote Originally Posted by Kaiserin View Post
    It does happen on both sides, but regardless, it happens at the discretion of the person who decides to do it before talking to their spouse about it. Communication after it happens is an option, sure, but wouldn't it be a little more favorable to try ironing out difficulties before you go the more dramatic (and possibly divorce-prompting) route?
    Yes I agree.

    On another note; there was a story where a woman cheated on her husband with her boss and said that she did it to keep her job. How does that justify...? I don't see it.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    Yes I agree.

    On another note; there was a story where a woman cheated on her husband with her boss and said that she did it to keep her job. How does that justify...? I don't see it.
    Oh so you believe it's ok for a man to cheat on a woman and then blame the woman, but when a woman cheats on a man.. then she's wrong? ??? hellooooo?

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    Cheating should void the warranty of the marriage.
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    Quote Originally Posted by marioguy View Post
    Cheating should void the warranty of the marriage.
    "I'd like to return my spouse. It's clearly defective."
    "Sorry, sir/ma'am, but your warranty is void."

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mandi. View Post
    Oh so you believe it's ok for a man to cheat on a woman and then blame the woman, but when a woman cheats on a man.. then she's wrong? ??? hellooooo?
    Like I said, her views on gender and sex are in the stone age.
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    the title of this thread makes me laugh...

    though "cheating" is open to interpretation...

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    Quote Originally Posted by BJPalmer85 View Post
    the title of this thread makes me laugh...

    though "cheating" is open to interpretation...

    B
    Yeah, there's so many interpretations of cheating. Cheating to me would be having sex with someone else without me knowing. Things like hanging out, causal kissing on the cheek or lips, going out to eat etc etc are not cheating to me.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    Yeah, there's so many interpretations of cheating. Cheating to me would be having sex with someone else without me knowing. Things like hanging out, causal kissing on the cheek or lips, going out to eat etc etc are not cheating to me.
    To me its both physical and emotional. Physical cheating is bad enough but add in cheating on an emotional level....that is rough

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    Yeah, there's so many interpretations of cheating. Cheating to me would be having sex with someone else without me knowing. Things like hanging out, causal kissing on the cheek or lips, going out to eat etc etc are not cheating to me.
    Since when do people kiss 'just friends' on the lips? lol.
    Might be just me, but I'd be pretty upset if my man kissed another woman on the lips. Kissing on the lips is pretty romantic and passionate.. which isn't just a 'oh we're just friends' thing.
    I can see cheek kisses, because me and my friends do it all the time to greet each other.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mandi. View Post
    Since when do people kiss 'just friends' on the lips? lol.
    Might be just me, but I'd be pretty upset if my man kissed another woman on the lips. Kissing on the lips is pretty romantic and passionate.. which isn't just a 'oh we're just friends' thing.
    I can see cheek kisses, because me and my friends do it all the time to greet each other.
    I agree with you.

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    Kissing, flirting, anything like that, to me is sexual, and therefore breaking monogamy. But its different for everyone.



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    Quote Originally Posted by Charazemma View Post
    I agree with you.

    moˇnogˇaˇmy/məˈnägəmē/
    Noun:

    The practice or state of being married to one person at a time.
    The practice or state of having a sexual relationship with only one partner.

    Kissing, flirting, anything like that, to me is sexual, and therefore breaking monogamy. But its different for everyone.
    Yes, I think this debate should probably be only for monogamy relationships, because in polygamy, obviously people who are in relationships with multiple people isn't cheating since they all agree to it.

    But kissing on the lips IMO is a sexual act, actually it's quite defined as being a sexual act, even just a kiss with no tongue.

    I believe there's more forms of cheating than just simply having intercourse. To me, kissing, flirting, ANY form of sex, oral, intercourse, touching sexually are all forms of cheating. Some people may not define those as cheating, but all those things will lead to sex eventually (and if it doesn't, you know you're having a thought of sex when you flirt with someone. People can't lie on that.)
    And then there's the people who deny that they are cheating while doing things other than having intercourse, just basically someone trying to bend the rules in their relationship without their partner knowing.
    Last edited by Mandi.; 9th November 2012 at 10:19 PM.

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