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Thread: Cheating on your partner.. is it as wrong as people make it out to be

  1. #451

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    Side note: my friends and i would kiss each other near the lips. We don't do that anymore.

    Quote Originally Posted by BJPalmer85 View Post
    To me its both physical and emotional. Physical cheating is bad enough but add in cheating on an emotional level....that is rough

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    Yeah your partner being in love with someone else could hurt really bad. I totally understand.
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  2. #452
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    I think it's appropriate to bring up the subject of polygamy. Cheating implies that you are seeing another person without your spouse/partner knowing. The reason this is so fundamentally wrong is because of a lack of communication. There is a huge amount of betrayal of trust happening. When the two people got together, they were under the impression that they would be the only ones ever in the picture. But if one grows bored of the other, they can stray off and not tell them because they feel guilty.

    I think a way to rectify this would be to change the expectations from the beginning, or at least discuss it at some point during the relationship. If your partner is not OK with you being with someone else, then don't do it. But if they both understand the need for more relationships with other people, then why not? Cheating, like I said, is wrong because the two are not communicating. Polygamy shouldn't be a problem if everyone in the relationship is OK with it.
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  3. #453

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    My views on cheating are that it's wrong. Kissing, and sleeping with other people other than your significant other is wrong. I feel like I can't talk right

  4. #454
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    Different people regard monogamy as different things, though. Kissing can have some perfectly non-romantic forms, especially if you live in a country where that sort of thing is used as a greeting or expression of affection between close friends. And it's not unheard of for people to agree to open relationships, or engage in a married relationship but keep a handful of friends-with-benefits partners on the side (with mutual agreement between spouses, that is, or it's obviously not the same thing).

    The line with cheating is usually drawn when it comes to knowledge and permission, though. It's not cheating if you asked your spouse and they said yes. It's cheating if they said no, or gave a noncommittal answer, or if you went behind their back and did it and hoped they wouldn't find out. Especially with the excuse of not feeling fulfilled, but having done nothing to sort things out with your partner before resorting to extramarital stuff.


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  5. #455
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    I personally see cheating as really wrong. Its the ultimate disrespect in my opinion. If someone cheats it means they have no respect for the person they are with or the relationship, if they did, they wouldnt go outside it. I would never cheat on anyone. If you want to be with someone else, dont go behind your partner's back. Break up with them and pursue other people.

  6. #456
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kaiserin View Post
    Different people regard monogamy as different things, though. Kissing can have some perfectly non-romantic forms, especially if you live in a country where that sort of thing is used as a greeting or expression of affection between close friends. And it's not unheard of for people to agree to open relationships, or engage in a married relationship but keep a handful of friends-with-benefits partners on the side (with mutual agreement between spouses, that is, or it's obviously not the same thing).

    The line with cheating is usually drawn when it comes to knowledge and permission, though. It's not cheating if you asked your spouse and they said yes. It's cheating if they said no, or gave a noncommittal answer, or if you went behind their back and did it and hoped they wouldn't find out. Especially with the excuse of not feeling fulfilled, but having done nothing to sort things out with your partner before resorting to extramarital stuff.
    granted those things dont always count as cheating but sometimes they do.
    but the problem isnt things that people dont count as cheating but the thing that people do count as cheating. ie. sleeping with someone without your spouse's knowledge etc.
    the problem isnt what counts as cheating but: is cheating wrong?
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  7. #457
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    Things that "count" as cheating, and yours or your partner's views on it, are entirely subjective. Some people are more lenient and forgiving about it than others, and some would dump anyone who cheated on them without looking back and feel completely burned by it. Everyone has different boundaries and ways to feel like their trust has been violated, you know?

    We have been talking a lot about the mindset of the person who cheats, though, which is really what interests me more -- everyone's view on fidelity and breach of romantic trust is going to be different, and there's a whole other topic in why people resort to cheating, whether they feel it's right or not (and why they do it anyway if they don't), and what could theoretically be done about it.


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  8. #458
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kaiserin View Post
    We have been talking a lot about the mindset of the person who cheats, though, which is really what interests me more -- everyone's view on fidelity and breach of romantic trust is going to be different, and there's a whole other topic in why people resort to cheating, whether they feel it's right or not (and why they do it anyway if they don't), and what could theoretically be done about it.
    This is exactly what I was thinking!!

    I would like to take it even further and ask is the person who does the cheating always at fault? That is an open question I realize but just think about it. I will post what I think later

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  9. #459
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    Quote Originally Posted by BJPalmer85 View Post
    This is exactly what I was thinking!!

    I would like to take it even further and ask is the person who does the cheating always at fault? That is an open question I realize but just think about it. I will post what I think later

    B
    We've discussed some things that are kind of moral grey areas (abusive relationships, for example) but under normal monogamous circumstances? Yes,the cheater is at fault. They made that decision and they have to live with the consequences.

  10. #460

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    Quote Originally Posted by BJPalmer85 View Post
    This is exactly what I was thinking!!

    I would like to take it even further and ask is the person who does the cheating always at fault? That is an open question I realize but just think about it. I will post what I think later

    B
    I've said no. But then, I am not a hardcore ***** so yeah. :]
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    I've said no. But then, I am not a hardcore ***** so yeah. :]
    If you go out and have sex with someone who isn't your partner, that IS your fault. YOU made the decision.

  12. #462

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    Quote Originally Posted by Pesky Persian View Post
    If you go out and have sex with someone who isn't your partner, that IS your fault. YOU made the decision.
    I agree that it IS my fault. I'm not trying to get a free pass here. Maybe I'm speaking from the other way around.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    I agree that it IS my fault. I'm not trying to get a free pass here. Maybe I'm speaking from the other way around.
    It's the same the other way around. If your partner cheats on you, it's still his fault.

  14. #464

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    Quote Originally Posted by Pesky Persian View Post
    It's the same the other way around. If your partner cheats on you, it's still his fault.
    Yes, but I have every right to wonder what did I do wrong as well. Which people get butthurt over that. Everyone has different ways with handling cheating.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    Yes, but I have every right to wonder what did I do wrong as well. Which people get butthurt over that. Everyone has different ways with handling cheating.
    I think everyone who has been cheated on wonders if they did something wrong. Ultimately, though, the blame liez with the person who made the decision. Wondering if you could have prevented it is normal. Blaming yourself is unhealthy but common.

  16. #466

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    Quote Originally Posted by Pesky Persian View Post
    I think everyone who has been cheated on wonders if they did something wrong. Ultimately, though, the blame liez with the person who made the decision. Wondering if you could have prevented it is normal. Blaming yourself is unhealthy but common.
    So what is so offending about blaming yourself for part of what your partner did again if it's common?
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  17. #467
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    So what is so offending about blaming yourself for part of what your partner did again if it's common?
    I think it's the way it comes across when you've said things in the past in this thread and others. Sometimes you make it sound like the victim is at fault because (usually) she did not cater to her partner's every desire, therefore he looked elsewhere. It's not at all healthy to blame yourself for someone else's wrongdoings and is usually a sign of very poor self-esteem and often an abusive (either physically or emotional) relationship. People who have been through that or know someone who has typically don't like unhealthy relationships to be portrayed as okay.

  18. #468
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    Unless it is an open relationship, and you agree with your partner that you are allowed, it is wrong.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    So what is so offending about blaming yourself for part of what your partner did again if it's common?
    It's not offensive so much as it's unhealthy, and often a sign of serious problems. To get off topic for a moment, rape victims are prone to blaming themselves, and, hell, having others blame them for "asking for it," among other things. If we're talking the half of the couple that was cheated on, I feel like the values of this society would probably make someone wonder if they didn't satisfy their partner, particularly if it's a man who cheated on a woman.

    That doesn't make it their fault, though. Actions have consequences; even if it can be said that the relationship was rocky, you reap what you sow. In the case of abusive relationships... well, a woman cheating on her abusive husband is probably more of a symptom than the problem itself, I'd say.


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  20. #470
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kaiserin View Post
    It's not offensive so much as it's unhealthy, and often a sign of serious problems. To get off topic for a moment, rape victims are prone to blaming themselves, and, hell, having others blame them for "asking for it," among other things. If we're talking the half of the couple that was cheated on, I feel like the values of this society would probably make someone wonder if they didn't satisfy their partner, particularly if it's a man who cheated on a woman.

    That doesn't make it their fault, though. Actions have consequences; even if it can be said that the relationship was rocky, you reap what you sow. In the case of abusive relationships... well, a woman cheating on her abusive husband is probably more of a symptom than the problem itself, I'd say.
    i can agree with this and with what Persian said about their being moral grey areas.

    My question would be that if you were in a non abusive relationship but there was neglect on your partners part and a loss of an emotional connection would the blame still fall on you? I understand the physical act is your fault but what about the emotions that pushed you there? Can you even blame emotional distress that caused you to cheat on someone else?

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  21. #471
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    If you're unhappy with your partner, you discuss it with them. That's how healthy relationships work. You don't just go behind their back and have sex with someone else. If you're truly unhappy with your partner, break it off first.

  22. #472
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    I said it already but I'll say it again, it all comes down to communication. I don't care if your partner is ignoring you, not giving you sex, satisfying your emotional needs. There is never an excuse for cheating and if you do cheat, you are deserve ALL the blame. What drove you to cheat is irrelevant in my opinion, the fact of the matter is you promised yourself to someone and you broke that promise. If you were unhappy with the way they were treating you, then you should've voiced your concerns and acted accordingly. Fix it if it's fixable and end it if it's not. I don't get how there can be any grey area there.

    If there are children involved I can somewhat see an issue but in my own personal experience I've seen more kids messed up from living in a household where they could tell their parents didn't like each other than those whose parents were split up.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Arcamenel View Post
    If you were unhappy with the way they were treating you, then you should've voiced your concerns and acted accordingly. Fix it if it's fixable and end it if it's not. I don't get how there can be any grey area there.
    I've never cheated when I was with people, but I have been cheated on. I do know, however, that sometimes there is grey area. My friend was in a horrid relationship- this guy wanted to tie her down- if she had ended with him, he said he would cut her. However, she went out with this complete opposite guy, who was loving and kind. The other guy knew of this and didn't care- as long as he had some sort of claws in her back, then like I said didn't care. Some people cannot talk to their partners as they get emotional. And even though cheating is bad, there has to be a side to why they are cheating, and maybe that is all the others person fault.
    Last edited by Electricbluewolf; 14th November 2012 at 10:19 PM.

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  24. #474
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    And even though cheating is bad, there has to be a side to why they are cheating
    There's a difference between answering why and saying it's justifiable.

    There's a difference between understanding and saying it's the right decision.

    Was that the right decision on the scenario you gave? I can't say. It's a sticky situation all-around and quite nontraditional, but I acknowledge that these sort of things happen.

    One thing I will say that has been said before in this topic:

    1) Cheating on a guy who is capable of cutting you for leaving is very bad, and I'm not speaking in a moral sense now; I'm speaking in a safety sense.
    2) One has to also question the morals of the single guy who permits the act as well. Is he not wrong?
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  25. #475

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    If you don't know you're in a relationship with someone online, and you think the person who is your significant other is doing things with other girls, is it still cheating? Like say if you kissed someone or said you wanted to kiss someone?

    It doesn't matter now, but I was just wondering.

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