Ugh. Cheating is right up there on the list of things I can't stand. I mean, even if you don't truly love your partner, you should be able to actually tell them, rather than making them have to feel so awful. Plus, if someone cheats in a relationship, they were more often than not just using their partner as a cheap thrill to begin with. Cheaters are just horrible.
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That's a belief that escapes me. To me, adultery is pretty bad, but it's not as bad as murder! I know that there's a 'heat of the moment' defense in some places, but even that requires a quick, instinctual response you had no time to think about. If someone can be so heartbroken that they have the malice to deliberately take their cheater's life, I don't consider that justified. Not one bit. A person enslaved to their urges is a person enslaved to their urges, be them sexual or romantic/emotional. I think that we should leave the retailiation to God and seek faith/or just let it go, to help us get free from the emotional turmoil of it. At least, that's what I found myself doing after my last relationship.
Basically, I agree with mattj. If you cheat on someone, it was not love. Personally I say though, just walk away...
Last edited by CSolarstorm; 9th August 2012 at 4:20 AM.
I have known this to happen a few times to a friend or two. It doesn't excuse the transgression, But the intent to cheat was not planned (consciously).
I have a lot of experience of being in a committed relationship. Yes, You get "Comfortable" if you are not careful. The routine can make you forget why you are together. I know I gush a lot about how much I love my wife. I do too. But for a while there we both forgot. Neither of us cheated but we were ready to get divorced and go our separate ways. Well needless to say we both found that we really do love each other (very much!) and we have been flying high ever since. It doesn't always work out like that. and that is the shame. I have co workers who go to the strip bar every weekend. They do it because they are not attracted to their wife? I once ask one of them, "Why?" They couldn't answer why really. I've been with my wife 24 years, NEVER have I thought she wasn't beautiful, even when we were just coasting.
Cheating on your partner is never ok. I have 24 years of proof that a committed relationship can work, and can be absolutely wonderful!
Well, taking these two statements, Take someone like an athlete or a soldier, They love their spouse, but are away for weeks and months at a time. Those feelings of longing grow, but you have no way of being with the one you love. So to escape the loneliness you go out. You may go out with no problem a few times. But then one time you see someone that just catches your eye. In a relationship or not It happens, but normally you have your spouse there with you or near enough that you know they are around... available. But for the person who is half a world away. It gets very very hard when you cannot hold that special someone. My Ex-Wife and I had this scenario happen. We both got lonely. I had D&D (that was an awesome gaming group I have to say), She was home with the wives and the other marines and she made the wrong choice.Originally Posted by Mandi
It hurt me to the core. I was pissed, I was ashamed, I wanted to die or I wanted to kill her! Instead we divorced and went our separate ways. But that is what is going through their head. They are looking to have their need to be held and loved... affirmed. And you know what, It's not an excuse either. I was in a place where $20 could get any fantasy fulfilled, and I stayed on base and played D&D with a bunch of guys for 6 months, when i wasn't learning how to kill people with bamboo chutes and dental floss!!
Last edited by Malanu; 9th August 2012 at 4:29 AM.
Cheating is always to blame on the cheater, even if the person "did something wrong". There is nothing wrong a person can that would amount to such dishonest pain.
In a committed relationship, no pain compares to betrayal. Absolutely nothing. This may be one of the only debate topics I can speak for in first-hand experience. It is not something you do lightly. It is not a mistake. It is not something you deserve no matter what you do to your lover. If you do not like the situation you are in, there is no possible scenario where cheating is the best solution.
This... is not a topic to be taken lightly. Trust me.
So if I just sit at home and my partner puts in all the work and I don't so he goes out and cheats... I'm 100% innocent? Or I dont try to give my partner what they need? I'm sorry but I just don't agree that the other is completely innocent as they make themselves out to be. I've watched too many cheating talk shows to know that I don't want to be those catty *****es who are so paranoid that they make themselves out to be perfect and do everything when they really don't and get get angry with their man (mostly guys on the show cheat) say that their girlfriend/wife is making them feel worthless...
I don't want to be like that. I know my view is different but if my partner were to do it, I would not treat him like a cheating scumbag like most people would do....
Nobody deserves blatant betrayal and dishonesty.
You don't know what you would do, because you don't honestly know the feeling. It is not something you do to a person just because you're not getting what you want. If you hurt a person just because you're not getting what you want, then you don't love them. If you don't love them, then you should leave before you do hurt them. Hurting someone for the sake of your own disappointment is nothing more than revenge and hate. If you endorse revenge and hate, you aren't exactly like a murderer, but you would pretty much justify it under the same reasoning. You would also justify rape under this same logic.
It sounds like you are already resolved in putting effort in your relationship. So by your reasoning your partner shouldn't have a reason to cheat on you...
It doesn't always work like that. If your idealism was the truth then I'd still be with my ex. Admittedly I'm glad I'm not as her cheating and the aftermath made me realise how manipulative and horrible she was.
I understand your idea of the other half not being 100% innocent but they aren't 100% to blame either. Say I cheated as my partner was emotionally blackmailing me into getting a new job as she wanted more money and we'd had an argument. I would be mainly to blame for the act of cheating and that blame far outweigh the blame on my partner for causing that argument so I would be in the wrong. (This was partly hypothetical.)
Anyways, so your telling me, if a relationship is giving you what you want out of it, its ok to cheat because both parties are at fault? Instead of talking about it or ending the relationship its reasonable to betray the other because you feel they are also to blame? Yea, I hope who ever you start seeing, present or future, realizes real quick what they're getting themselves into.
Cheating is right up there next to animal cruelty to me. It's selfish, dishonest, and it betrays the one you're suppose to be committed too; don't like the relationship anymore, aren't ready to be committed to one person? End it, Period. The only way I find it acceptable is when it is agree'd upon that the relationship is open. Those relationships rarely work because by nature we are territorial. They can work however. That doesn't mean the two parties don't love enough other as some others here suggest. It just means they have a different view of what that love means. I knew a couple who did that in college.
Edit: Just noticed to reference to the show "cheat" and /facepalm.
Last edited by ChedWick; 9th August 2012 at 12:54 PM.
Even with that hypothetical situation, all you're really doing is trying to justify vengeance and hatred. Oh sure, it's understandable, but don't think for a second that that it's justified. Unless the situation is 100% impossible for you to not communicate or simply leave the person, you are operating off of enough hate and vengeance to the point where you could justify a bunch of other horrible things.
The only reason you guys seem to give cheating an easier time is because it's less painful than murder and rape. The same logic still applies here, though.
I happen to do have a partner so I am pretty normal there. I'm also not the type to cheat either because I find it wrong. But your right, I've never had this happen to me nor have I done it. I'll just say that next to you, I'm pretty forgiving.
Gothitelle, you scare me as a girl. You really know that you sound like one of those defensive girls who get used and taken advantage all the time by men because you have this idea that if you're cheated on, you're to blame ..and not your boyfriend. If my boyfriend ever cheated on me, I'd call him scum and break up. Easy as that. It's not my fault. If he was sick of me, he could have easily broke up with me rather than cheating. Not that I believe my boyfriend would ever do such a terrible thing to me, there's always a chance in this messed up world.
I don't care how bad your boyfriend/girlfriend treats you. CHEATING though?! Are you that cruel to think that cheating doesn't hurt that bad? I don't care how bad your partner is to you. If they are as bad as you say they are.. break up with them. How hard is it to do this? Really..
Goth, please never forgive your boyfriend if he cheats on you.
Yes, it is.
Some days you just can't force a smile. :<
It's so easy to say that when you have no idea how it feels.But your right, I've never had this happen to me nor have I done it. I'll just say that next to you, I'm pretty forgiving.
I honestly feel like this is an argument emotion can have a say in. I seriously think of it as misplacing rape blame. Men do the exact same thing without understanding the true pain and suffering of being a rape victim.
Cheating is by no means anything close to rape, but the things your heart and mind go through especially if you were in a long-term relationship is absolutely brutal. Psychologically speaking, it has been proven that heartbreak like this is as bad, and in some cases, worse than physical injury.
I'm not kidding. If you seriously say something that hurts as much as a physical injury justified for the simple fact that the victim "had it coming", you are indeed no different from men who misplace rape blame.
As for the forgiving bit... it's of course possible to forgive, but simply because you do wouldn't mean you were more forgiving than me.
Last edited by GhostAnime; 9th August 2012 at 8:36 PM.
My wife and I got to a point where we were just roommates, sharing space and oxygen. We lost the spark that drew us together. What we did was attempt to move on. We started to seek new partners, we were a month away from divorce legally, Well we were talking and we started to actually talk to each other, Which reminded me of what I fell in love with, and she just kept saying how she kept comparing possible suitors to me as her standard and they were not good enough (I don't know how true this is... but it makes me feel good!). So we just, hooked back up, fought a few times like cats and dogs... With one difference. When the fights were over, we usually were holding each other tight and apologizing with meaning. Since then (Several years now) we have been literally like newly weds. I was a good husband before but I am a better one now, and she, well my wife is everything I could ask for and more! Now, there is no force that could get me to be unfaithful!
To answer the question, yes, cheating is obviously bad. I don’t think anybody is seriously going to say otherwise.
That said, there is no one-size-fits all answer to who cheats and why they cheat. Different people cheat for different reasons. Making sweeping generalizations about anything, especially in regard to love and relationships and sex is ridiculous simply because every person is different and has different views on those topics.
Some people cheat because their sexual needs aren’t being met, yes. But others may do it out of spite or to create jealousy. Still others may feel unfulfilled emotionally by their current relationship. Some just do it for the thrill. The list goes on. Different personality types and circumstances can lead a person to cheat, but there is rarely a real excuse for doing that to someone, especially because many of the above are preventable through proper communication.
Is it possible for a couple to work through it? Absolutely! Not always, of course – I completely understand those who find it to be unforgivable – however talking about it, why it happened and what led up to it and working past those issues together can still allow for a strong, healthy relationship, even if the couple doesn’t remain together.
Communication is really the key to any solid relationship, and is an ideal way to prevent cheating and the emotions that may lead up to it. If a partner feels unfulfilled or that their needs aren’t being met, they need to talk to their partner about it and work on a solution together. That’s how relationships work. It’s not easy to admit that you have issues, but hiding them from your partner only does more damage in the long run.
Open relationships are another story, but they can absolutely work. Just because you personally don’t like the idea of them or don’t want to try them does not mean they are not perfectly valid and doable for other people. They require a huge amount of communication (there’s that word again!), mutual emotional understanding and trust. They are not a simple matter made on a whim. But for a couple that’s willing to communicate and be honest, this is absolutely an option.
Can every couple handle or be comfortable with an open relationship? No. Many couples are happily monogamous and don’t want to put in that extra effort, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But we live in an ever-changing society, and people don’t get married at age 14 and die by 40 anymore. We have more time during which we get tired of having only one partner, have more opportunities to mess around, more freedom to explore our sexualities. If people want to take advantage of that, by all means.
It’s like victim-blaming; we have to remember that whoever perpetrates (performs) the action is the one to blame, because they’re the one who did the act. The adulterer is the one who committed adultery by going out and having sex with another person – they are in control of their actions, and so must take responsibility for those actions. Same with rape: the rapist is the one who consciously decided to rape someone, and we have to remember that it’s nobody’s fault but the rapist’s.
So yeah, "I'll just make sure to be an extra-great girlfriend" is not going to stop someone from cheating on you. The only way to stop it is by being open and communicating with your partner, contributing to the relationship and not just hanging on like dead weight.
If there are issues within a relationship, it is the job of both partners to talk about it. If one person is unhappy, or their needs aren’t getting met, but they don’t tell their partner, then what is the partner supposed to do about it? You can’t fix something if you don’t know there’s an issue in the first place! Again, it’s about communication – if a partner is unhappy, they need to TALK ABOUT IT, not run off and cheat. The only way for a couple to fix their problems is to communicate about it and find solutions together. A relationship is about two people working together and solving their problems together, and cheating on your partner (and then blaming them) is not going to build a strong, healthy relationship.
Whoever cheats in my eyes are the lowest form of being a "scum" it's dishonest and unfaithul.
I don't really think there's ever any excuse for cheating. If someone is unsatisfied and/or unhappy in a relationship, it needs to be discussed with their partner. If someone is truly unhappy and don't think it can be worked out, a break up needs to happen before going out and fooling around with someone else. I don't think "I don't love you anymore" or "I'm not satisfied" are excuses to betray someone and I honestly think it's pretty cowardly. It's usually not easy to break up with someone, but if you're unhappy, it needs to be done. Obviously an open relationship is different because it's agreed upon that sleeping with other people is acceptable, but that wouldn't be cheating anyway.
Please elaborate on how one person having sex with another person is in any way their partner's fault, because there must be something I am missing here.