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Thread: Cheating on your partner.. is it as wrong as people make it out to be

  1. #51
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    It's a tough issue. Nobody likes having their heart toyed with, but I can understand why some people cheat. Biological, most animals (probably humans too) were not meant to be monogamous with their partners. Our society has changed that, but fundamentally we will always be attracted to other attractive people, regardless of if we are in a relationship or not.
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    It's kind of like telling your parents, "Well I might have gotten my homework done last night if X but I know I should have gotten my homework done anyway." If you didn't blame not getting your homework done on X, you wouldn't even have mentioned X!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Psychic View Post
    So if your partner was doing something that you were unhappy with that might drive you to cheat, you're not going to talk with them about it, you won't be open about your feelings and needs, and instead just run off without warning, have sex with another person, and not take full responsibility for your own actions? You really think that's fair to your partner, especially after they just endured you breaking their trust and hurting your relationship?

    Please elaborate on how one person having sex with another person is in any way their partner's fault, because there must be something I am missing here.

    ~Psychic

    I never said I would cheat >;[

    And I said that it's not 100 percent the adulterer's fault. That doesn't mean "oooh blame it ALL on the victim". Like in my example earlier, if my partner did it to me, it would mean to be that I kinda have to do something about myself do prevent it from happening? How could this be 20% the other's fault you say? Well, maybe they don't listen?... that's what drives most people to talk to others, like an emotional affair. What if I wasn't listening when my partner was trying to talk to me about something? I believe the key word to most relationship healing is listening.

    Of course, if I did it, then I would still blame myself more than if it were the other way around. I chose to do it and plus I was brought up with this ideal on how a wife/girlfriend should be so the people around me high have expectations from me.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    I never said I would cheat >;[

    And I said that it's not 100 percent the adulterer's fault. That doesn't mean "oooh blame it ALL on the victim". Like in my example earlier, if my partner did it to me, it would mean to be that I kinda have to do something about myself do prevent it from happening? How could this be 20% the other's fault you say? Well, maybe they don't listen?... that's what drives most people to talk to others, like an emotional affair. What if I wasn't listening when my partner was trying to talk to me about something? I believe the key word to most relationship healing is listening.

    Of course, if I did it, then I would still blame myself more than if it were the other way around. I chose to do it and plus I was brought up with this ideal on how a wife/girlfriend should be so the people around me high have expectations from me.
    I understand that people have a reason for leaving, but if they cheat and then stay with the person they're cheating on, they've lost all reasoning for cheating, because they could have broken up with them because they don't listen, they don't this and that, etc. Okay, so cheating can be a retaliation, but seeing two people at once is pure manipulation.

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  5. #55
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    Like in my example earlier, if my partner did it to me, it would mean to be that I kinda have to do something about myself do prevent it from happening? How could this be 20% the other's fault you say? Well, maybe they don't listen?... that's what drives most people to talk to others, like an emotional affair. What if I wasn't listening when my partner was trying to talk to me about something? I believe the key word to most relationship healing is listening.
    An even bigger key to a relationship is trust.

    If you can't trust your partner to talk before they **** somebody else, then why would you blame yourself?

    You're seriously opening up some serious immoral acts with this mindset. It's called abuse.

    "He physically beat me with a bat? Maybe it's because I don't do enough for him."

    "He lied to me? Maybe it's because I'm a horrible person."
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    Quote Originally Posted by chuboy View Post
    Quick, someone get the scientific community onto this one! A truly brilliant hypothesis that would have been insofar overlooked by every researcher who has contributed to this field of science. And it's only 8th grade stuff!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    I never said I would cheat >;[
    And I said that it's not 100 percent the adulterer's fault. That doesn't mean "oooh blame it ALL on the victim". Like in my example earlier, if my partner did it to me, it would mean to be that I kinda have to do something about myself do prevent it from happening? How could this be 20% the other's fault you say? Well, maybe they don't listen?... that's what drives most people to talk to others, like an emotional affair. What if I wasn't listening when my partner was trying to talk to me about something? I believe the key word to most relationship healing is listening.

    Of course, if I did it, then I would still blame myself more than if it were the other way around. I chose to do it and plus I was brought up with this ideal on how a wife/girlfriend should be so the people around me high have expectations from me.
    NO NO NO NO NO NO!
    Gothitelle, NO! What you have discribed is a reason to break up with(divorce) someone, not to have an affair. It is an excuse used by cheaters to salve their guilt and deflect blame but it does not excuse the fact they cheated! You are NEVER to blame for their lack of commitment. If you are not fulfilling their needs, they need to either accept the problem or move on and find someone who will treat them as they wish.

    If your partner or you are not listening or communicating it is grounds to break up. Communication is key to a healthy relationship, without it you don't have a healthy relationship. But you are NEVER to blame for their lack of commitment or integrity. It is every individual's responsibility to be true to their word!
    Est sularus oth mith
    This is a fictional language from a series of books I read. It translates to, "My Honor is My Life." I make a commitment, I either live up to it, or I apologize for failing and fix it! If I cheat, that means I have lied to you, myself and everyone around! I failed you. Your actions are yours to live by but they do not change who I am! And a cheater will always cheat! I was half a world away from my Ex-Wife when she gave me, "THE CALL". That night I went out looking to make myself feel better. And instead I cried my eyes out because I could not "Cheat" on a woman who had left me for another man! My Honor is My Life!

    So true!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Iceberg View Post
    It's a tough issue. Nobody likes having their heart toyed with, but I can understand why some people cheat. Biological, most animals (probably humans too) were not meant to be monogamous with their partners. Our society has changed that, but fundamentally we will always be attracted to other attractive people, regardless of if we are in a relationship or not.
    I can't remember if there's been any scientific evidence for the monogamy thing, though there is a small number of animals that pick life mates. As I said before, I think the issue is more that it was easier to be monogamous (and not have sex before marriage) back when people married in their teens and died in their 40's/50's, but there are most likely more factors than that. :P



    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    I never said I would cheat >;[
    Nobody said you would; it’s a debate, we're talking in hypotheticals.


    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    And I said that it's not 100 percent the adulterer's fault. That doesn't mean "oooh blame it ALL on the victim".
    Yes, it is the adulterer's fault. Unless you physically take off your partner's clothing and shove him at a naked person, you are taking no part in his decision to have sex with another person. That is your partner’s choice, and if that’s what they choose, they have nobody to blame but themselves (and the person they had sex with if said person knew).


    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    Like in my example earlier, if my partner did it to me, it would mean to be that I kinda have to do something about myself do prevent it from happening?
    Or if your partner cheated on you, it could just mean he's the kind of person who cheats on whoever he's dating, no matter how amazing they might be. Some people are like that. Often, there is simply nothing you can do. Again, it’s like rape; if a rapist wants to rape someone, they’ll do it, and there’s nothing the victim can do about that – that’s why the “she wouldn’t have been assaulted if she didn’t dress that way” argument is absolute idiocy.

    I’m not saying this is the profile of everyone who cheats, but there are absolutely instances where someone will cheat no matter how wonderful their relationship might be, and that’s not their partner’s fault.


    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    How could this be 20% the other's fault you say? Well, maybe they don't listen?... that's what drives most people to talk to others, like an emotional affair. What if I wasn't listening when my partner was trying to talk to me about something? I believe the key word to most relationship healing is listening.
    I'm not sure if you were paying attention, but that's kind of exactly what I said before – if a couple is communicating properly, then it should never reach the point of cheating. If one partner isn’t listening, then either you make them listen, or break up. Simple as that. Just because someone isn’t listening to you does not give you a free pass to cheat on them. This is common sense.


    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    Of course, if I did it, then I would still blame myself more than if it were the other way around. I chose to do it and plus I was brought up with this ideal on how a wife/girlfriend should be so the people around me high have expectations from me.
    You really need to get over this weird idea that men are always automatically more innocent and that women are responsible for more of the blame (yet shouldn’t pull as much weight in a relationship). It is not the responsibility of half the population to become martyrs for the other half. Women have greater goals and opportunities in life than to just “be a really good girlfriend/wife that makes her partner happy,” and pardon my frankness, but you should get with the times.


    ~Psychic

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    Quote Originally Posted by Iceberg View Post
    It's a tough issue. Nobody likes having their heart toyed with, but I can understand why some people cheat. Biological, most animals (probably humans too) were not meant to be monogamous with their partners. Our society has changed that, but fundamentally we will always be attracted to other attractive people, regardless of if we are in a relationship or not.
    Actually, our closest relatives, primates, have natural instincts that drive the males to have multiple partners, in order to preserve the species' population. That's not even it; females, too, switch "families" occasionally to preserve genetic diversity among the population and prevent genetic "oopsies" among the offspring. It can be assumed then that we, too, are programmed to seek multiple partners in order to prevent genetic disorders. However, since our population is diverse enough to render such disorders unlikely, we don't have to seek multiple partners; polygamy is a useless instinct in our genetic coding. Therefore, the emotional aspect is the only determinant in the morality of having affairs with other women/men: it is completely inappropriate to have affairs with other partners.
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  9. #59
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    Let me make it clear that if my partner ever cheated on me, it's completely her fault if I kill her.
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    Quote Originally Posted by marioguy View Post
    Let me make it clear that if my partner ever cheated on me, it's completely her fault if I kill her.
    At least then they don't have to go through the hassle of prosecuting 20% of her.
    Last edited by CSolarstorm; 10th August 2012 at 9:43 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by marioguy View Post
    Let me make it clear that if my partner ever cheated on me, it's completely her fault if I kill her.
    And that is the first step to distrusting any partner you will ever date.
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    Personally, I can't stand Cheating. If/When a partner cheats on me I will end it there, I understand there are different variables such as Soberity (Not even a real word) that can be taken into play, but I believe in loyalty and respect. If I can't trust that we are loyal and respective of each others emotions and feelings towards one another, then there is no longer a reason for me to Respect and trust you. However, on that note being an over protective Boyfriend/Girlfriend is almost as bad. Not respecting their right to have friends of the opposite gender is almost as (if not more) terrible than cheating, when looking at it from a respect and loyalty side, because it shows that you already don't respect their judgment and loyalty to your relationship.

  13. #63

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    I don't agree with the "once a cheater, always a cheater" line. People DO change. People act like giving them second and third chances is a cardinal sin... So what if if it were done to me, I don't think he's a scumbag, that's me... and plus I'm not trying to say men are 100% innocent but they are always protrayed at the bad guys and everything done to them by their partner is okay, even burning their new car and clothes :-/
    Last edited by はるひ; 10th August 2012 at 2:47 PM.
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    I think your viewpoint is honestly more of a result of not seeing it first-hand and comparing cheating to a slap on the wrist.
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    Quote Originally Posted by chuboy View Post
    Quick, someone get the scientific community onto this one! A truly brilliant hypothesis that would have been insofar overlooked by every researcher who has contributed to this field of science. And it's only 8th grade stuff!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    I don't agree with the "once a cheater, always a cheater" line. People DO change. People act like giving them second and third chances is a cardinal sin... So what if if it were done to me, I don't think he's a scumbag, that's me... and plus I'm not trying to say men are 100% innocent but they are always protrayed at the bad guys and everything done to them by their partner is okay, even burning their new car and clothes :-/
    Um, I'm a guy and us men are pretty much 100% to blame for us cheating. Even if the relationship is bad, there's nothing stopping you from sending a break-up text for something first before you decide to cheat.

    And that line is absolutly true. "Once a cheater, always a cheater." If you did it before, what's gonna stop you from doing it again.

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    No it isn't, well to me. I actually have faith that my partner would change if that were the case... :-/

    Isn't that what love is about?
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    No it isn't, well to me. I actually have faith that my partner would change if that were the case... :-/

    Isn't that what love is about?
    Yeah but if he ever cheated on you, he's not really in love with you.. Sorry to say.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    No it isn't, well to me. I actually have faith that my partner would change if that were the case... :-/

    Isn't that what love is about?
    You didn't say that. The first person you wanted to look at was yourself instead of the other person.

    You're treating cheating like it's something excusable. It isn't.
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    Quote Originally Posted by chuboy View Post
    Quick, someone get the scientific community onto this one! A truly brilliant hypothesis that would have been insofar overlooked by every researcher who has contributed to this field of science. And it's only 8th grade stuff!
    Quote Originally Posted by Mister Zero
    I roam Johto with my partner Pokemon, Rattata, who knows Hyper Fang, Sunny Day, Rock Smash and Cut. Anyone who runs with more than one Pokemon or evolves their Pokemon takes the game way too seriously.

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    I never said it was excusable. I'm just wondering why me forgiving my partner and not thinking he's a low life sumbag is considered a sin? If that's what most of you would do, it's great but i'm not like that. I believe in second chances and I might be able to find anyone else and I'll end up being alone. I would hate myself for not giving second chances.
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    Quote Originally Posted by mattj View Post
    Cheating implies a repeated, hidden relationship(s) outside of the relationship you've sworn to keep solely between yourself and someone special. If someone cheats on someone they do not love that person. If you're truly in love with someone you're not going to cheat on them ever. Its just not going to happen. There could be some isolated incident where you don't take precautions and end up alone with someone who you happen to be mutually physically attracted to, and if you're an idiot and don't get out of there you might end up doing something you seriously regret. But you're not going to cheat on someone you love. If you do it repeatedly and secretly, you don't love them. You might have feelings for them, but its not love.
    This post sums up what I was going to say pretty well. Do I think it's wrong? well, yes. Relationships are built upon foundations of trust and loyalty, and if you take those out, you don't have a relationship anymore.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jb View Post
    I also hate when people say they made a "mistake" by cheating. Cheating is not a mistake.
    Cheating can be a mistake. However, it's not the cheater's position to judge on whether they made a mistake or not.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    I never said it was excusable. I'm just wondering why me forgiving my partner and not thinking he's a low life sumbag is considered a sin? If that's what most of you would do, it's great but i'm not like that. I believe in second chances and I might be able to find anyone else and I'll end up being alone. I would hate myself for not giving second chances.
    It's not a sin. It's just difficult for most people to give that second chance when they've been betrayed in one of the worst ways possible. There are plenty of people who have been cheated on, forgive their partner, and move on to have a stable relationship. However, it's not easy and it takes a lot of counseling and rebuilding of trust. And I think once someone cheats on you, it's always going to be there in the back of your mind. Can I trust this person? Will he/she do it again? That's no way to have a happy relationship if you're constantly questioning whether or not you can trust that person. Also, I would urge you to try to get out of that mindset of "If I leave him/her, I'll be alone..." because from your previous posts, you're setting yourself up for some kind of abuse (either physical or potentially emotional). Let me tell you from experience, having that mindset is dangerous and sets you up as a very easy candidate for manipulation. It's not fun at all and it will mess you up for a while if you ever manage to get out of it. I'm sure your current partner treats you well, but you really need to be careful if any red flags start popping up or if you date someone else in the future.

    Quote Originally Posted by Rezzo View Post
    Cheating can be a mistake. However, it's not the cheater's position to judge on whether they made a mistake or not.
    Y'know, just from what I've seen, it seems like cheaters only think it was a "mistake" once they've been caught. Sometimes people make grievous mistakes and have to deal with the consequences of their actions.

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    Cheating is really not a mistake. I can't stand when people say this. Anyone who cheats is FULLY aware that they're cheating and going to put their partner through a whole bunch of heartbreak, emotional stress and depression.
    Do they think about their partner or just themselves? Themselves obviously.. they want a good time, and they will do it even though they know how bad their partner is going to feel. It's selfishness.

    This whole crap about how we take after animals kind of irks me as well. How animals will be with multiple partners to spread their seed, because sadly that's how they keep their species alive.
    Us, on the other hand.. we know better. We fall in love. We SHOULD be able to control our sexual desire with multiple people when we're in a serious relationship. Men aren't only here to spread their seed And woman aren't meant to only give birth to a child. And when people think that's our only purpose for life.. that highly disgusts me. We're so much more complicated than that. We should be able to control ourselves when we see an attractive person and not be a horny dog and get on their back. ESPECIALLY when you're already with someone, and you still feel the need to have sex with any person.. just because they're attractive. Hell I would think being in love would automatically change the person to not find anybody else attractive. Because honestly, believe it or not, that's how I am. I'm in love with this guy, and no matter how attractive somebody might be, I just don't find anybody else even near to being attractive. It's weird, but it's how I am. I'm committed to this one guy, and I won't turn into a horny animal whenever I see someone who is considered attractive. Why? Because I wasn't meant to carry children with multiple men (or in other terms.. have sex with multiple people when I'm committed to somebody else.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    I never said it was excusable. I'm just wondering why me forgiving my partner and not thinking he's a low life sumbag is considered a sin? If that's what most of you would do, it's great but i'm not like that. I believe in second chances and I might be able to find anyone else and I'll end up being alone. I would hate myself for not giving second chances.
    Second chances.. meh, I agree that SOME people could possibly change. But wouldn't you always be in denial.. and being suspicious of somebody who you gave a second chance to after they cheated on you? Wouldn't you even be a little curious to what they're doing when they're not around you?
    Last edited by Mandi.; 10th August 2012 at 6:14 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Pesky Persian View Post
    Y'know, just from what I've seen, it seems like cheaters only think it was a "mistake" once they've been caught. Sometimes people make grievous mistakes and have to deal with the consequences of their actions.
    That's essentially what I was trying to say. The cheater themselves are the only ones who know their own true intentions. But it's not their stance that matters, it's the other partner's. I personally believe that nobody should ever get a second chance (unless they were manipulated or extorted into cheating (which I will assume is rare for simplicity's sake)) if they cheat.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    I never said it was excusable. I'm just wondering why me forgiving my partner and not thinking he's a low life sumbag is considered a sin? If that's what most of you would do, it's great but i'm not like that. I believe in second chances and I might be able to find anyone else and I'll end up being alone. I would hate myself for not giving second chances.
    As Pesky Persian already mentioned, you have the exact mindset which opens doors to abuse.

    If you already have in your mind that a person can cheat on you and you'll forgive them before it even happens to you as if it were something you could do in a flash without a problem, you have serious issues. I actually hope you don't tell your partner that for the simple fact that if given the situation to cheat, they may have in the back in their head "Okay, I have two chances now!"

    Honestly, I've been where you were. I've had that mindset. It's not cool. If you had it during it, that's one thing, but forgiving them before it? That's even worse.

    I can honestly tell you from experience that over time, it will be worth even being alone. If you have your relationship out of fear, it's no longer a relationship. I don't know what it is, but it's worse than being lonely.
    Last edited by GhostAnime; 10th August 2012 at 6:32 PM.
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    Quote Originally Posted by chuboy View Post
    Quick, someone get the scientific community onto this one! A truly brilliant hypothesis that would have been insofar overlooked by every researcher who has contributed to this field of science. And it's only 8th grade stuff!
    Quote Originally Posted by Mister Zero
    I roam Johto with my partner Pokemon, Rattata, who knows Hyper Fang, Sunny Day, Rock Smash and Cut. Anyone who runs with more than one Pokemon or evolves their Pokemon takes the game way too seriously.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    I never said it was excusable. I'm just wondering why me forgiving my partner and not thinking he's a low life sumbag is considered a sin? If that's what most of you would do, it's great but i'm not like that. I believe in second chances and I might be able to find anyone else and I'll end up being alone. I would hate myself for not giving second chances.
    It's very nice of you to want to forgive your partner and give him another chance, but old habits are hard to break, especially this kind.

    Consider this: What if your partner cheated on you, but you never even knew there was a problem with the relationship? You thought everything was fine. You were happy, and he seemed happy. Does it make sense for him to just cheat on you out of the blue? And to make it interesting, let's say he cheated on you with one of your best friends, who knew you two were together. How would you take that?

    See? If you thought everything was OK in your relationship and you were never told of any problems, is it your fault in any way that he cheated? No. If problems arise in a relationship, you aren't supposed to avoid them, you're supposed to work them out together and figure out how to fix them. If the problem can't be fixed and it's become a major issue, then break up, especially if it is about sex. No one wants to be alone, but forcing yourself to remain with someone you will never be able to fully trust to be honest with you is worse than that. Never choose to be with someone just because you don't want to be with no one.

    I would like to ask you something though. You said something about giving someone a third chance. How many times would you forgive someone (the same person) for cheating on you if they continued to do it again and again?

    =====

    Side note: The humans vs. animals thing is pointless. Animals reproduce out of instinct (though yes, some animals do choose life partners, so that further confirms the pointlessness), but free will gives us humans the ability to go against instinct. That and the fact that the last thing a cheater hopes comes out of a fling is a child. I can't imagine that the reason someone would cheat on their partner would be specifically so that they could have a kid.

    2nd side note: Open relationship = false assumption that a relationship is there to begin with. There's no trust or commitment, therefore, there's nothing there.
    "Believe in yourself and create your own destiny. Don't fear failure." - Only Toonami
    -----
    My Pokemon Teams
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    White 2 Team:
    Black Team:
    SoulSilver Team:
    Platinum Team:
    Diamond Team:
    FireRed Team:
    Ruby Team:

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