Results 1 to 9 of 9

Thread: Pokemon Xtra Dna

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    NC
    Posts
    302

    Default Pokemon Xtra Dna

    THIS FIC IS PG-13

    Chapter 1: * Insert clichéd first chapter title*

    “Player, come here and test the purification chamber.”

    Player, was a twelve year old boy with spiky red hair and round ears. He wore a black skintight top with red stripes on the long-sleeves with his favorite yellow vest atop it. He also wore a hippie pack that matched his top, blue, pocket-less jeans with a red stripe on the sides. He loved to don his black-topped shoes with a horizontal red stripe on the sides with a blue bottom.

    As Player rode down the silver elevator with a blue door in this lab he called home. It was silver with the occasional glowing blue line. Unlike your average clichéd lab there were no chemistry sets, half of the building was sleeping quarters, and it featured a extremely sleepy receptionist who never got enough sleep. Player noticed the room that was off-limits was unlocked because the red “X” that was usually covering the key light wasn’t there. Also because it was open. He walked in and got a big sho-

    “Hello Player.” Said the lab tech who rudely interrupted Player’s narration and was a big dork, “We need your help to test the purification chamber. It uses a massive wireless hookup to store a few bytes of data in every computer in the world to download you into the program, plus it lets you purify shadow pokemon. You do know what a shadow pokemon is, right Player?”

    “Of course! It’s all you have been talking about for the last 7 years! We never even discussed that F I made on the kindergarten EOGs! Also you are a huge dork.” Player exclaimed.

    “Well shadow Pokémon are Pokémon that had the door to their hearts shut artificially. They attack people and have an odd hatred of afros, mirrors, disco, salsa, and the letter ‘B’. Oh, and they despise lamp posts that are blue, flicker frequently with neon red lights with cheese flavor. And that’s what a shadow pokemon is.”

    Player was unable to move while the man rambled about what a shadow Pokémon is and useless facts about them.

    During this free moment he ran as far as he could from the lab technician who gave him the lecture, with glasses, a white lab coat that went five feet past his feet although he was already six feet tall. He eventually rested on the pedestal in the middle of the room.

    “Oh, I see you are ready to get started” Lily, who happened to be player’s mother. She was in her early 30s and wore a pink lab coat. She wore her brown hair in a bun on the back of her head.

    “Wait, what are you talking about.” Player panicked

    “3… 2… 1… GO!” Lily exclaimed.
    Player saw the tech press a button and then he blacked out.
    __________________________________________________ _________________

    Player awoke in a bed on his side. He felt a tickling sensation on his head and back, with crusted closed eyes.

    “Why is my tail itching…”

    Player thought “What the heck! Why is there a voice in my head!”

    The voice replied “Who is in MY head!”

    Player responded with “Tell you what, I’ll tell you my name, then you tell me yours. Agreed?”

    The voice thought “Yes”

    “My name is Player. Now yours.“

    “Player. My name is Eevee”

    “Where do you live ‘Eevee’?”

    “Shadow Pokémon research, curing, and prevention HQ”

    “I think I’m your trainer.”

    “Yeah, me too.”

    “Eevee what the heck in hades is going on! Also I can’t feel my pinkie toe.”

    “No clue, but the last thing I remember is being locked in a virtual reality”

    Just then Lily walked in the room with a bowl full of a odd smelling soup. “Oh are you awake, Player?”

    “Yes. And what the tauros poop is going on here!?” Player replied.

    Lily replied with “Here, I’ll tell you. It started out with this happening…”
    __________________________________________________ ______
    Lily saw the tech push the button. The lights shut off though you could still see via the false wall that was actually a large window.

    The tech yelled “It's a power surge! We used too much power.”

    The power soon came back on.

    “Where’s Player!” Lily yelled!

    “I am retrieving him now from the chamber!” The tech yelled.

    Player slowly rematerialized but without his pinkie toe.

    Suddenly a girl with rosy cheeks, blue pigtails, a happy-go-lucky personality and a white dress with blue legs came in and yelled “Mommy, I’m scared of the man with white armor and a telescope!”

    Lily said “Not now Jovi, Player is stuck!”

    Jovi ran lightning fast at Player, thinking “I will get him unstuck!” coming up to his waist and him pulled with all her might, but to no avail! She yelled “Maia, I need your help!”

    A cream colored rabbit with blue floppy ears a ball tipped with a minus sign for a tail and blue hands bounced around toward Jovi and began pulling with Jovi. Jovi pulled Player broke free and a bright white flash blinded everyone!

    When the light faded and everyones’ eyes adjusted Lily saw Player lying on the ground with a white fuzzy collar. He also had long pointed brown ears, and a brown tail with a pointy white tip.

    Jovi had blue floppy ears partially hidden by her hair, a tail like Maia the minun’s, and blue cheeks with a cream line going horizontally across each.
    __________________________________________________ ________________

    As Lily finished telling the story of what happened and narrarating it, Player started to see the world in less of a blur, because before he could only see Lily and the fairly odd smelling soup.

    Lily continued with “You were out for a few days and we took a hair off your collar and then saw that your DNA merged with Eevee’s because he was the demo pokemon we choose. Jovi has the same condition as you but with Maia.”

    Then Jovi walked in the room and looked just like Lily described.

    “Mommy, I’m hungry.” Jovi said sleepily.

    “Jovi had already woke up.”Lily continued with “Your nutritional needs have changed, The only difference is you need berries in your diet. We probably will just crush some for you. We also fileed a salt shaker with powdered berries, so when you start to travel you can get that nutrition in. Has anything interesting been going on since you woke up.”

    Player answered with “Let’s see… I seem to have improved hearing, smell, and my sight seems sharper, now that my eyes have adjusted. I can hear Eevee’s voice in my head and talk with him. Oh, and I’m starving.”

    Lily handed the soup to player and asked “Jovi, can you hear Maia’s voice in your head too.”

    Jovi put her toes on the ground and twisted her foot back and forth and said “I’m sorry Mom, I thought you’d think I’m crazy and send me to Loco Larry’s. But yes.”

    Loco Larry’s is a TV show that stars an insane lunatic named Larry who kidnaps kids who are crazy and then they are never seen again. Jovi snuck out of bed and watched it from the door. Lily naturally banned it from the ‘house’ afterword. Jovi has since had a deep fear of being insane.

    “ Jovi that will never ever happen. It was make believe.”

    “Like sa-OW!” Player chimed in and quickly had his stomach punched where Jovi couldn’t see.

    “You read about this kind of thing all the time in Fan Fictions, but you never think it will happen to you.” Eevee interjected.
    __________________________________________________ _________
    __________________________________________________ _________
    Tell me what you think, guys. Post your favorite parts. Please give your opinion on what Player should evolve into(Please give reasons). This fic takes place in gen 3. ( So no Leafeons or Glaceons.)
    Speaking of Player, I named him that because when I went online to find a plot summary to dust off my knowledge of Pokémon XD, I noticed that almost all the sights say: the player goes to gateon port, the player picks an evolutionary stone, etc. Little inside joke that I just told you.
    The improper captilization at the fic title is on purpose.
    I also need a beta reader for this fic. I even have tips for them as I am one.
    Last edited by Rotomknight; 24th January 2013 at 9:23 PM. Reason: Grammar
    They say if you press cntrl and W you get to see the programming of a website after making a signature with 3 ws and 8qs
    Fanfics I like that are still in production: Author's Run, Pokémon emerald the better version

    This the aquabats song awesome forces:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dx4sL0w3SHM
    and here is their song shark fighter: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3wchrctxFo

    I NEED A BETA READER!
    Check out my fic.
    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...2#post14945242

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Between Nod and Terrafirma
    Posts
    392

    Default

    Ow, so many errors here, I would recommend sending it to a reader first before posting as efforts here would largely be wasted.

    One thing right off the bat, too much "also", "and" usage, it makes the descriptions too disjointed, in addition, when describing things, don't use periods after every detail, just use a comma or semi colon.

    I would like to help more but reduce the amount of errors through a proofreader first.


    Credit to Brutaka for the amazing banner and user bar. Yeah, having 2 is redundant, but it shows you guys my favorite pokemon, what story I had planned and my position in the WoJ.

    Time, there's never enough of it but it's always there to waste.
    -Azurus

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    NC
    Posts
    302

    Default

    Thank you, I have been searching for a beta reader for a while. I tried what you said abot and/also. I am waiting for Sid87's reaply to my beta reading. Grammar in dialouge isn't going to be perfect. It's designed to sound like a natrual conversation, not a grammar fest. I'd preffer grammar in narraration and description to improve a lot though. please point out as many errors you can, I don't want this to die. Also Orre's laws and such are nearly nonexistent. If you like it at all, you could be a beta reader. By listing grammar mistakes, you can read everything ahead of time.
    They say if you press cntrl and W you get to see the programming of a website after making a signature with 3 ws and 8qs
    Fanfics I like that are still in production: Author's Run, Pokémon emerald the better version

    This the aquabats song awesome forces:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dx4sL0w3SHM
    and here is their song shark fighter: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3wchrctxFo

    I NEED A BETA READER!
    Check out my fic.
    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...2#post14945242

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Between Nod and Terrafirma
    Posts
    392

    Default

    The descriptions are slightly better tho the word "loved" implies that while he likes wearing it, he may or may not actually have it on.

    The conversation is fine, and tho while I skimmed it, the dialogue format seems fine as well.

    I do not actually have the time for proper editting, like I replied before, just obvious errors.

    It might be in your best interest to hold the next chapter untill you can either get someone to edit it for you or you really feel that your edittingnwas good enough.

    Also, unless you actually want to do 4th wall descriptions and the like, try not to describe characters in childish manners unless a character is doing so through thoughts or dialogue. It does not read very well and gives the whole story reading experience an immature/not serious feeling to it (I don't particularly enjoy such descriptions or that type of atmosphere)

    Also, don't offer beta reader status with the incentive that they get to read first, that is not the point of it at all, it is meant to help you and the readers enjoy the story with errors being fixed.


    Credit to Brutaka for the amazing banner and user bar. Yeah, having 2 is redundant, but it shows you guys my favorite pokemon, what story I had planned and my position in the WoJ.

    Time, there's never enough of it but it's always there to waste.
    -Azurus

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Posts
    3

    Default

    I like this. Not completely sure what's going on, but I know for the most part. I really like it. Strange, but cool at the small time.
    Clair Aragon

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    In a Forsaken world.
    Posts
    878

    Default

    This is pretty good in the plot, but needs a lot of work on structured sentences and grammar. You need a beta reader badly. If wanted, I'll help, but only if wanted.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    NC
    Posts
    302

    Default

    Chapter 2: Gateon Port, the rich's playground

    A few hours passed since we saw Player, he was currently figuring out a way play chess with Eevee, since they shared the same body and heard each other’s thoughts. They also played chess as way to bond before the accident. How did Eevee move the pieces you ask, he wore a harness with a metal arm attached the read the pulses that his body moved to. Jovi was doing something similar to player, only simpler, yet impossible, figuring out how to play patty cake with Maia.

    “Player,” Lily said as she walked in and briefly stunned at each of the kids expiations on what they were trying to do., “ We need you to go to Gateon Port and pick up the rare machine parts known as the Flux Capacitor from Perr, the man in charge of the machine shop. It’s for the purification chamber.”

    Player, understandably was not appealed by this. And of course he said what was on his mind. “You get Eevee stuck in my head, tamper with my humanity, gamble with my chi and you still want to finish the Poopification chamber! And worse you want me to go out in public and help you build it!” Despite what the previous chapter mentioned, he was a very bright boy, he even asked his teacher to make a fake test sheet and give a 0 for his Mom, but that was when he wasn’t paying attention to him because they hit a breakthrough and developed a process.

    Naturally Lily planned for a big retaliation, like anyone in this situation would, however she did not except a lame insult to the purification chamber, seeing right through her ruse about how much help she needed, pointing out how reckless it was of her as having him be the test subject for her experiment, or implying such a clever way to tell he’s a freak that wouldn’t be accepted society, all without scaring Maia! If only I had paid more attention to him Lily mused. She meant to seem like an invincible figure of power without seeming intimidating. But what she said next broke that illusion like the tree in your backyard after the hurricane that decimates your backyard while barely missing your house. “How could you tell how much help I needed with the machine?” she inquired.

    “Easy,” Player replied, “You gave me the specific name for the product when a simple machine parts would do. Therefore you need me to know what it is called, if that’s the case, which it undoubtedly is, you would have my help double checking parts or the inserting them or something.”

    I could swear I saw a reference a few paragraphs up… commented Eevee.

    “I GOT IT!” Jovi exclaimed “I’ll play patty cake with Maia by clapping then slapping my head!”

    “Uhhhhhh… Ookaayy?” Player responded, obviously caught off-guard by this random and ridiculous statement.

    Finally the obvious answer to Lily’s dilemma sucker punched her to the face while Player was off his guard. “Player! I am your mother and you shall pick up the parts!”

    Player, unable to keep the beat, and feeling defeat, resigned with a hearty “Fine, but I get to change clothes first!”

    Quickly understanding Player’s hidden motives Lily dragged/carried Jovi out. Once Player was alone, he tried to dress himself several ways that could hide his ears, tail and collar. Including: A giant turkey suit, a polo, a tux, and even a red trenchcoat.

    However, he eventually settled on his usual clothes with a black baseball cap with a gold stripe down the middle, a puffy white fuzzy scarf, and a billowing brown trench coat, and black gloves.
    When he came out Lily said “Jovi wants to tag along so she can see her friend in Gateon Port. Can you watch her.” It was a demand, not a question.

    “No. She would easily tell everyone in her naďve innocence.” Player replied.

    Redundant much? Eevee replied. CRUF IT! You got me doing it now too!

    “Touché, but she won’t stop bugging me about it.” Lily replied while handing Player a note specifying authorization for the parts.

    “Tell her I’ll take her around Orre in a few days.” Player responded while pocketing the piece of authorization.

    Player, walking out of the building and hopping onto a light grey scooter with glowing blue wheels that resembles a car cut in half without doors. A popular ride for anyone, mainly for its perfect size to navigate the small roads scattered throughout Orre, and epically named Sugar Scoot. It even has a radio! Now only $99.99

    The author apologizes for the terrible gag/ad. Eevee commented.

    Gateon Port. The lone port of Orre, crisply white, filled with sailors, the rich playground, wet. That sums up Gateon port very well.

    Player strolled over to the parts shop. It seems particularly noisy today… and the Pokémon are quiet as well… Player pondered as he plodded along.

    Annie ate Allie’s alluring alliteration and amazing. Eevee said… thought… whatever! You get the idea!

    Player entered the machine shop and walked up to the register to see a buff, sailor who wore the standard captain’s outfit in Orre, a grey suit topped with a generic captain’s hat.

    “Excuse me, but I am here for the Flux Capacitor that was reserved for Professor Krane. I have a note here.” Like Player said, he held up the note from earlier.

    “Sorry kid, Perr isn’t here, hes fixing the bridges. If you need to get that piece now go to the bridges and ask him. But first tell me, if you can hear an old man’s ramble… Great! *insert long useless rant about eevee basics of a pokemon species that’s incredibly popular* What’s that! You have an eevee! Tak e an item to eevee-olve it! Here they are!”

    During that sequence Player was unable to slink away. He picked the water stone knowing that was Eevee’s favorite. Carefully moving his new water stone to his bag with his gloved hands, and placing it in his hippe-sack, he left for Perr. Afterward he walked towards the bridges, noticing the bizzare mix of noises today.

    When he reached the bridges he saw Perr, dangling his legs off the bridge and punching any wingull that get close…

    “YOU MEAN I WENT THROUGH THAT AWFUL, NIGHTMARE-FUELING, SICKENING, TEDIOUS, USELESS AND FOOT-FREEZING RANT SO PERR CAN PUNCH WINGULL AND RELAX!!!!!!” PLAYER SCReamed while the author tried to fix Caps Lock.

    _______________________
    I am at 300% trying! Depending on the grammar, I may get a beta reader. Tell me your favorite character. Want on the pm list? Something not clear? Let me know on those or any topics about THIS FIC!
    Last edited by Rotomknight; 24th January 2013 at 9:22 PM.
    They say if you press cntrl and W you get to see the programming of a website after making a signature with 3 ws and 8qs
    Fanfics I like that are still in production: Author's Run, Pokémon emerald the better version

    This the aquabats song awesome forces:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dx4sL0w3SHM
    and here is their song shark fighter: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3wchrctxFo

    I NEED A BETA READER!
    Check out my fic.
    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...2#post14945242

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Location
    Some place you never know
    Posts
    238

    Default

    Very nice story! But I'm a little confuse on the Player's appearence. Is he a human or an Eevee? But still great story!! I find the Shadow Pokemon disliked for Miror.B hilarious! Keep up the good work!!

    So Dormant signing off.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    NC
    Posts
    302

    Default

    More of a human with eevee qualities: including ears, tail and fuzzy collar thing.
    Also there is a pm list for those who want in.
    Thanks a bundle! As you can tell, this isn't the most popular thing.
    They say if you press cntrl and W you get to see the programming of a website after making a signature with 3 ws and 8qs
    Fanfics I like that are still in production: Author's Run, Pokémon emerald the better version

    This the aquabats song awesome forces:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dx4sL0w3SHM
    and here is their song shark fighter: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3wchrctxFo

    I NEED A BETA READER!
    Check out my fic.
    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...2#post14945242

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •