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Thread: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Nomad Seekers

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    Post Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Nomad Seekers

    Nomalia Town – found above the mountains of Manolia -- is indeed home of the blossom stars; a town of beauty where the windy petals glide in the morning, and of course, a wonderful mystery of the starry nights. Cinccino is a young woman who travelled to many places. Many can interpret by her small height and its white scarfed fur wrapping her body, with stubby ears and a white tail. It is early spring time at her place. But it really doesn't matter for long for she holds the blood of a free spirit.

    Surrounding the town is a field of white flowers with yellow innings. What a symbol it shows -- the Anima of a child’. "Nomalia's children reflect on these flowers. Every child does." she blows the flower as seems time moves fast for her; recalling wonderful moments from the past.

    Looking behind her was her husband -- a respected species of his kind who is quite canine yet loyal to true companions. He is quite a blue bipedal canine even if he has spikes from his paws and chest. Cinccino is his loyal companion. "We're ready Cinccino. Mienshao’s got everything settled for our new journey." Lucario is the reason she get to love the beauty of the world and their mysteries.

    "Let's head back to town. I bet we can now say our farewells to our leader." After a quick kiss to the lips, another friend of theirs joined them both.

    “C’mon young lovebirds.” Seeing her figure is tan, flexible, and attractive. With a lavender color, ever her arms looked like something that will keep you warm. Along that would be her whiskers that confused some pokemon for Mienshao’s gender as a male. Much like how Alakazams can be misspoken about their genders.

    Heading back to Nomalia opens the open fields of flower where many bug type and grass type pokemon enjoy each other's company. Butterfree and Beautifly get to do their habit of pollinating flowers. It also does same for the Combee to please their queen Vespiquen living somewhere far away. Some would be able to see all of the Sewaddles, Swadloons, and a few Leavanny joining together as they eat the available leaves and berries. Sometimes, the trio has a glimpse of Petillil and Lilligant dancing around the fields.

    Inside they entered their Leader's home. Nibbling on a piece of petal was a retired royalty. Even if age did dim her physique, she was lively like a kid. "Time moves so fast my children. Getting to explore the world with their eyes and spreading light to the world. My slender body does begin shedding much more. But I guess it is natural as a being." she is an old forest snake deemed royalty during her early times. With a silky texture and robe of her neck, many respect her words like ‘Mother Nature’ … a grass type of Nobility.

    "Thank you for everything Serperior." Cinccino enjoyed her company many times before. But time tells her that she has to carve out her new path.

    “No problem my child. All the days that I had with you three are truly memorable.” After giving her orders to her loyal guard, Bisharp, she passed them an egg of an eerie color mixed with a load of pure white and yellow paintings randomly scattered. “Before you go, I had one more request for you my children. Come closer and see this egg.”

    The two young adult pokemon inspected the egg. Cinccino is admiring its color while Lucario finds its mystery mystifying. Mieshao is astounded.

    “Ain’t this thing just beautiful? Life itself is the ultimate gift to us by Arceus. Right now, it looks like my body age is saying that I must return to the planet. I knew my limits. I decided to leave this upcoming child to you.” Using her leafy tail, she placed the egg under Cinccino’s arms. As much as she wants to talk, she’s speechless.

    “Mienshao. Guide them when they get lost. You are their strongest and understanding friend. One who knows more about the tasks ahead. I’m certain that their baby will seek wisdom from you too.”

    “But … Serperior. I … uh … I still have … much to learn from-“her lips were sealed by the elderly’s bushy tail. Just one nod from her only made things more confusing to Mienshao.

    “I already gave you everything that you need. The rest is up to you. You decide your path.” Then she let her tail falter to the ground. She knew well that Mienshao is an experienced young adult unlike Lucario and Cinccino.

    “Lucas. Never forget everything I told you before. Some things are only found through a journey and experience. So does your child who needs your love and wisdom. You will be their figure someday. Be a good husband to your wife. And be a good example of a father to your child.”

    “I will your highness.” She finds it funny that Lucario cannot let go of his zealous attitude to people he already trust. She can only giggle.

    “Oh Lucario. I told you to stop calling me your highness!”

    “But you are royalty. Right?” he only got a weak slap from his wife.

    “Lucario, soften up!” just seeing that adorable Chinchilla did make her wish that she can relive her younger days as a queen from her old kingdom.

    “Cinccino, the child and Lucario will always come looking for you and ‘your loving person’. You will be the light and soul of your child. Lucario could not have known himself if it wasn’t for your love to him.” Seeing her blush did give her a tear as she remembers her knight in shining armor many years before. “So be a good mother and work together with your husband.” Just as she finished, the little mother just cried tears all over her leafy snake body.

    “Oh mom! I’ll miss you so much! I promise you that I will make you proud once my child grows up. I’ll be the best mother that my child will ever have!”

    “You already made me proud, little mom.” It left a ‘huh?’ to her ‘pet’ as she wraps a bit of herself to the normal type pokemon. “Your marriage to him is the ultimate achievement you showed. I believe … this egg deems you worthy to be a mother.”

    “It’s time my children. Goodbye. I’ll always be inside your hearts.” For Serperior, seeing her children leave for a new journey is both painful and joyful. As she hears her children’s final farewell, it tears her with flow of joy.



    Lucas does look approachable on how the egg gives him a mystery to what pokemon will their child be. Who knows, "If our child ends up with a Minccino, I think my sugar can relate to it. But who knows if it was my younger species? I could be its closest relative. A Riolu whose mother is a Cinccino. We can have ‘quite a tale’ years later.”

    “Thinking about your child huh Lucas?” from her experience with Mienshao, some of the young men like her serene sense of mind and physique. Just because of her lad looks doesn’t mean she can’t handle fights on her own; even if it was against Lucario. That one challenge with Lucario, as a riolu way back then, before made him flinched as how tough she was. Heck, Cinccino regretted playing arm wrestling with her while she was a Mienfoo back then and she was a Minccino too.

    “You really are anticipating what your baby will be huh? Don’t forget that I’ll be your kid’s aunt. But don’t lay down the raising for me. Okay?”

    “I will.” He knew what she meant since his first friend was her.

    “I admit that it’s going to take some time for me to get to the same level like yours Mienshao.” For Cinccino, the young short heightened mother, Mienshao had to do all the petting for her. She can play a bit grown up at times. But her childish-side seems to take over her. “Who knows how I can fare with a living child?”

    “I’m sure that we can make it well together sweetheart.” Lucas carried me along with the egg. Just being within his embrace makes her feel protected. Just like how Serperior told her story about Samurott, her knight in shining armor she fell in love as a Snivy back then.

    “Lucas, the egg! It’s hatching!” She is amazed that her child is now close to coming out.

    “What will my child be?” Cinccino is now deep in thought as time slows down.

    As the shells of the egg shatter, a soft and young voice echoes to the couple. It is a wonderful child. “It’s a … Jirachi! A young baby boy.” And different their child for Cinccino really is different. Who knew … what seems like Arceus gift to them seems more than just a great responsibility? They hold an irreplaceable treasure.

    “Jirachi. From what Serperior told us, he is fairly small but much smaller as of now. That starry crown does look cute with the blue papers on top of each tip. His stream like wings and wing like arms seems to cover his little third eye.” Mienshao does adore her child’s adoration to his mommy.

    “Mama?” young baby Jirachi seems to shiver. Add that with a grumbling baby stomach

    “Are you feeling cold my baby?” As Cinccino loosened some of her scarf like coat of fur, she wraps her little baby’s body with it. The young baby seems cozy to lay down in comfort of his mother’s bosom and loving arms. Using her right paw, she digs up some gummies that she saved up during her adventures before. After a bit of shuffling through her assorted gummis, she found the right colors for him. She recalled from Serperior that she once served the previous Queen Jirachi of a faraway kingdom. That time she recalls the queen kept peeking and calling to Serperior’s mind when she was still a Servine Maid.

    Cinccino helps on serving her newborn child some Gold Gummis: a favorite color of Psychic types. After two bites, little Jirachi fell asleep out of tiredness. Just hearing the heartbeat of its mother soothes him never to end.

    They travel through the forest road as if they are now taking their first steps to truly explore the world.

    “Cinccino. Remember the times where we used to roam around Nomalia Town before?” Lucario points out the forest.

    “I do, who knows … we could find one of the missing marks we placed on the trees.” Cinccino recalls using her own paw covered in Cheri Berry red to place a stamp on her tree.

    “I surely remember that day you got your own paw wounded. You are still a Minccino at the time.” Mienshao giggles. Oh how she wants to relive it again.

    “Hey. Don’t bug me with that. It’s like that time you whined at me for being the first one to evolve. You are still a Mienfoo at the time.” Little girls do snicker.

    “Okay enough of these silly talk girls. Don’t bicker like you two usually do before.” Lucario, just like what he always do as a Riolu before, settle the fights with the two. He had to admit this little talk of theirs were the things that annoyed him. At last the bickering problem was resolved and everyone’s happy. Right now, they are having their first steps exploring the massive plains.

    “So Lucario. Where are we?” Cinccino asked while she sings a lullaby to baby Jirachi.

    “I think we are at Skyward Wing Valley.” As Mienshao finishes, everyone looks at the huge horizon of open fields in awe. As if pokemon who loves running, like the common Rapidash and Zebstrika, will be free from the constrictions of life. There are some caves and patches of trees on some places on the valley whenever pokemon needed shelter like the common Mandibuzz and Hoppip, four rivers make a unique source of life invigorating, two lakes where few water types tend to enjoy the view or reside, and Importantly, a mountain full of forests and caves. Alas, Jirachi was reaching out everything in sight.

    Wait … is that … a blink of light? While others enjoyed the view, something catches baby Jirachi’s attention. But what is it? The baby tried nudging but mommy felt him move.

    “Baby Chi? Something wrong?” indeed, a nickname Cinccino made up for her baby. Seeing him loosen up a bit gave her a thought that he is shivering. She did the same thing to him again by comforting him with her warm fur. “Don’t worry Jirachi. Mommy and daddy are here for you.”

    Mommy and daddy are right. Jirachi just loves to be with them. And he just focused his attention to mama, papa, and the big wonderful valley.

    “So where should we travel next?” Cinccino asks as Lucario was flipping the map.
    There he points his left arm to a nearby cave. “There is a cave if we climb down the road.” He closed the map and smiles at the baby. “Who knew Nomalia Town, our home, was on a mountaintop?” he gave Jirachi a gentle pet on the head. Seeing him so happy makes him also happy.

    The walk on the mountain was gladly smooth and kind. Even if a group of pokemon are bringing heavy things will find it comfortable. Halfway on their journey, they make a pit stop on a nearby house of a residing pokemon. A well-constructed house made of wood and stone. Cinccino made the knock.

    “Hello? Is anybody here?”

    After waiting for a few seconds, a pink pokemon has opened the door for them. An Oval round like pokemon with two-thirds of its body covered in pink and its lower parts are white minus its pink feet. It is also holding an egg on its pouch quite like how Cinccino is carrying Jirachi wrapped on her fur. But it does have some loose white fur that makes it look like pieces of Swanna feathers. “Oh hi there! What brings you three visitors here? Need to rest after a long trip?”

    “Yes.”

    “Well then. Come in.” the generous pokemon gave them a nice seat on a campfire with a few wall pictures . “So, who are you guys? My name is Blissey. But others call me Bliss for making others so happy.” But another voice interludes.

    “Blissey! Our last night patient is getting on my nerves.” It is another pokemon like Blissey. But instead of black eyes, it has blue eyes. It holds some curly hair hanging on its ears. The sides of its body are pink while the middle belly and back are mocha white in color. Add that the Fluffy white tail behind her. “Oh my. More travelers?”

    “Yep. More of them. Guests, meet my companion Audino.” Blissey smiles.

    “Oh goodie! A travelling family is not what I had in mind to see!” as Audino looks to Jirachi, “Ohhhh!! Aaaawwwwwhhh! You got a cute baby!” just seeing baby Chi laugh, everyone else laughed. It only takes another stomach ‘grumble’ from Lucario to tell that it’s lunch time.

    “Sorry about that madam. Is it okay if we could have a meal with you two?” Lucas of course does the over politeness of his. At least this shuts up Cinccino on how too zealous Lucario could be.

    “Well … okay.” Bliss brought them all to the living room. With a comfty haystack sofa, everyone ‘ooofffs’ as they seat back with relaxation. Seeing all of the well-crafted flowers in clay pots and seeing through the open windows.

    “Can anyone else help us cook our meal? We need a ‘Plusle and Minun’s pompom’ here.” As the pink chubby, bushy tailed pokemon, Mienshao giggles at that riddle. “Plusle and Minun’s Pompom”. A popular term for a ‘helping hand’.

    “Sure.” With Mienshao helping Bliss and Audino, Lucario and Cinccino are spending family time with baby Chi.

    “So what brings you guys down here from Nomalia?” Audino was making some Nanab soup as she applied a bit of Sitrus Juice.

    “We are travelling the world.” Mienshao on the other hand was frying some steamed Remoraid. “Why are you two living here instead of Nomalia on top of the mountains?”

    “Well, we did it for our tastes. The scenery, the pokemon travelling this route, there’s beauty to them.” While Blissey sets up the Iapapa Dip, Mienshao flipped the stick where the Fried Remoraid is cooked just right.



    I remember Serperior giving me massages while I was still a minccino. I just find it relaxing as if that sense of comfortable touch removes all of the pain. Just how Serperior massaged me, I did the same thing to baby chi using a soft paw of mine; I touched his small starry forehead and applied a little press to it. It makes him happy by his cute little cries of joy. I continued doing this to my sweet little child of wonder. What a smooth pokemon he was to touch.

    “Meema?” Chi looked not just at me. I noticed my sweetheart’s paw joining over mine.

    “Can papa help you relax my child?” he whispered to him. Baby chi replied with a little nod and giggles faintly. I lead the way of massaging not only his small head but also his little arms too. His paws look so small with only three fingers with a wider arm that makes me think of wings. Plus his legs and feet are way smaller than my previous form. Going to his body, we decided that each of us split the side of our baby’s body. He took left and I took right of his little body. It makes me feel a bit funny but feeling his heartbeat gives me a soothing feeling. Until, our paws joined together on top of one another right in the middle of his belly. We can see baby Jirachi falling to sleep, so we took a chance to meditate ourselves and gave each other a kiss. It really is wonderful. I’m used to be an independent girl who disliked having a family. But I learned most of the good things through Serperior. Of course I wasn't content about her wisdom at that time. Until, my first child gave me a smile and a laugh of joy, he changed everything for me. Just like how Lucario and I got married, though he evolved during our marriage kiss way back home. I just hope I don’t regret this promise.



    For our lady chefs residing over the kitchen, they began placing all of the wooden plates on the round table. Unlike an ordinary wooden bowl, a wooden plate would only come from pokemon dedicated to wooden craftsmanship. The Shiftry and Sceptile families are well known examples. Other pokemon are far from popular to in between.

    “Why are you joining on your little sister’s journey when she has someone accompanying her?” Audino asks.

    “I am her older sibling since I don’t have much to do at Nomalia town.” Mienshao admits. But both doctors are admired by something more valuable than the positioning of their lunch and kitchenware. “Uhhh … Hello?” Both were eyes on bubble upon seeing a wonderful sight of a legendary baby pokemon in the hands of two young adult pokemon hugging together, Cinccino and Lucario and the young legendary pokemon, Jirachi.

    “Oh my Gosh! They look so adorable together!” sure enough the 2 doctors squealed, not wanting to wake them both up.

    “They remind me of our grandparent’s old mentor’s heroes!” Bliss giggles that she nearly dropped porcelain from the closet. She should be lucky Mienshao has long arms that caught it early.

    “If only we could find our destined partners someday.” Both doctors sighed in wonder.

    Just as the peaceful moment lasts, a break in occurs by a monkey whose hair is on fire that tempts to burn the house down. Also, it seems to wear some yellow knuckles or armor on the joints of its body. A white body hair style wraps its legs, the upper torso, and some parts of its face. The tail, thighs, and arms are brown like colored too. But its fingers and toes are blue.

    “Oops! My bad! Sorry to disturb yo drama moment ma ladies. But this guy’s gettin hungry after having a swing outside!” The monkey said. But baby chi cried while walking up its parents. He approached closer to the young couple who are still quite groggy from their sleep. Baby Chi is still terrified of him.

    “Oh. You two are the new guests huh. What a cute lill wuzzy baby you two got-“ Until he got a paw slap from Cinccino. “OWW! MISS, did you that to me?”

    “Nononono! It wasn’t me!” Cinccino was startled as she caught this unwanted expression.

    “Ey hey blue husband. Better do something with yo-“ of course, another slap from Lucario this time. “Uhhh… WILL YOU TWO STOP-“until he received two slaps from both parents “OWWW! What did I even do to both of you? I’m just your country travelin - WhoA!” Whatever or WHOEVER WAS playing tricks with him will pay!

    “YO! IF YA DON’T PUT ME DOWN NOW I MAY AS WELL MAKE A-“he fell down on the floor.

    “Ooofff!” with animated look for ‘SPLAT!!’ of course. Both parents now see the mess their baby did, though Cinccino witnessed her baby waving its arms while their interlude is flying above the house.

    “There there baby chi. Calm down now. Don’t use meema to play tricks with him.” Mama said to baby chi. Baby Jirachi laughs at the sight of their guest in taters on the floor, while the two country girls are giggling at the funniest scene they ever seen.

    “We’re very sorry that-“ Lucario was cut off.

    “Nape. Nape’s the name ‘cause I’m an Infernape.” Nape says it rhythmically.

    ”Seems ya both raising something ya don’t see evryday. Not to mention, some baby who’s playing innocent and control both o ya to make fun o me.” He was staring at the baby still laughing at him. Both Cinccino and Lucario are quite disappointed for the mess they did. Not to mention, they haven’t even educated him enough.

    “Ey hey! Don’t ya two feel down!” He turned around where Mienshao and the doctors at the doorway of their kitchen. “AND WOULD YA TREE GET YO FOOD DONE! I’M A STARVIN!” They left and dealt with it soon. Until he turns back to the young family, “I don’t blame ya so badly since you two looked too young to raise a lill critter. Let alone an elusive critter I’ve nevah seen befo.” All little Jirachi did was pout at Nape for his rap talk. “Man Imma hungreh…”

    Instantly, Lucario and Cinccino learned as long as someone makes him cry, he’ll make fun of that pokemon. If only Jirachi is not so naughty.
    Last edited by jireh the provider; 16th November 2012 at 1:49 PM. Reason: update and grammar correction

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  2. #2
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    Well, here I am. Onto the review.

    Interesting concept you've got here, a traveling family with a newborn child. A legendary child nonetheless. I haven't seen much of anything close to this in any other story I've read recently.

    Unfortunately, there were some errors in the chapter. You constantly shift between past and present tense in the middle of the same narrative. It makes the chapter jarring to read and breaks the flow of the story. I'd recommend some major editing of this so that it's in one tense (past tense if most likely what you need for this story).

    Also, the scene breaks need to be a little more distinct. I could barely tell that the ellipsis between paragraphs was supposed to be separating scenes. Perhaps bolding them, or making them bigger would help.

    Aside from those errors, I rather enjoyed the characters you have so far. Though it's only the first chapter, so I'm looking forward to seeing more development of Lucario, Cinccino, Mienshao, and Jirachi.

    I couldn't really glean much about the overall plot of this story from the chapter other than this family is leaving town to explore the world. I'm not entirely sure why, but I'm certain that it will become clear with future chapters.

    So, I'd take a long look at this chapter and fix the tense errors and continue the plot and character development.

    Knightfall signing off...

    An Abyss, a Kingdom, a War, a Prophecy, a Revolution, and Insanity.


  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall View Post
    Well, here I am. Onto the review.

    Interesting concept you've got here, a traveling family with a newborn child. A legendary child nonetheless. I haven't seen much of anything close to this in any other story I've read recently.

    Unfortunately, there were some errors in the chapter. You constantly shift between past and present tense in the middle of the same narrative. It makes the chapter jarring to read and breaks the flow of the story. I'd recommend some major editing of this so that it's in one tense (past tense if most likely what you need for this story).

    Also, the scene breaks need to be a little more distinct. I could barely tell that the ellipsis between paragraphs was supposed to be separating scenes. Perhaps bolding them, or making them bigger would help.

    Aside from those errors, I rather enjoyed the characters you have so far. Though it's only the first chapter, so I'm looking forward to seeing more development of Lucario, Cinccino, Mienshao, and Jirachi.

    I couldn't really glean much about the overall plot of this story from the chapter other than this family is leaving town to explore the world. I'm not entirely sure why, but I'm certain that it will become clear with future chapters.

    So, I'd take a long look at this chapter and fix the tense errors and continue the plot and character development.

    Knightfall signing off...
    Hmmm ... interesting view about tenses. I bet keeping a story written in one tense is one of the basics of writing. I must have lost track a little bit of my english writing skills ever since I'm using Filipino much more frequently this early college. As for the scene breaks, will placing horizontal lines help?

    But I wonder, what would be your favorite moment in my story?

    Well, gotta edit the tenses of my story.

    Latest introduced chapter:
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  4. #4
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    Yeah, keeping a story in one tense is crucial to success. Just a few edits and you'll be good.

    My favorite part would have to be when the Infernape shows up near the end of the chapter. His somewhat strange personality brought some humor to the chapter, and I liked that.

    Good luck with the edits.

    Knightfall signing off...

    An Abyss, a Kingdom, a War, a Prophecy, a Revolution, and Insanity.


  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall View Post
    Yeah, keeping a story in one tense is crucial to success. Just a few edits and you'll be good.

    My favorite part would have to be when the Infernape shows up near the end of the chapter. His somewhat strange personality brought some humor to the chapter, and I liked that.

    Good luck with the edits.

    Knightfall signing off...
    Nape huh? But out of curiosity, have you ever showed a character who speaks like a cowboy/girl from the far west? If you ever do so, how would country people speak? For what I know, they slang the spelling of the language (like english) whenever they talk. I believe that most/some of the words you must write whenever a cowboy like character must have that slight element of grammar Nazi.

    Like saying "good ol time" > "good old time", or "Where's ma moneh ya old douchebag?" > Where's my money you old douchebag?"

    Latest introduced chapter:
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  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by jireh the provider View Post
    Nape huh? But out of curiosity, have you ever showed a character who speaks like a cowboy/girl from the far west? If you ever do so, how would country people speak? For what I know, they slang the spelling of the language (like english) whenever they talk. I believe that most/some of the words you must write whenever a cowboy like character must have that slight element of grammar Nazi.

    Like saying "good ol time" > "good old time", or "Where's ma moneh ya old douchebag?" > Where's my money you old douchebag?"
    Nice story so far!

    Yeah, using different accents for characters can be done by different spellings. Using apostrophes to signify the shortened words is effective.

    For example, one of my Characters in my fanfic speaks (or is supposed to sound) a cockney accent, saying "Oi'll help yer" or "Oi'm goin' te the markets, yer comin' with meh?"

    Anyway, love to story line, can't wait for the next chapter!

    Feel free to have a look and comment about on my fanfic, Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Seekers of Light
    Every post is appreciated! Plus comes with free metaphorical cookies!

    Chapter 6: Lords of the Sky is complete... at last.

    Now working on Chapter 7: Aspirations



  7. #7
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    Here from the review game.

    And I'm going to be very honest in saying this has been the hardest story for me to read because the grammar is just awful, and the flow was constantly being disturbed or shifted by either grammar mistakes, (unnatural) word structures, tenses (which Knightfall's already brought up), or because the story was just all over the place for me—it's either of the two. I understand English is not your first language, but it would help you loads if you were to get yourself a beta-reader.

    So let's get started as I slowly pick this apart and try to get a grasp of what it is I just read.

    Quote Originally Posted by jireh the provider View Post
    Nomalia Town – found above the mountains of Manolia -- is indeed home of the blossom stars; a town of beauty where the windy petals glide in the morning, and of course, a wonderful mystery of the starry nights.
    Okay, I'm sure this is an okay opening, since you introduced a setting to us, but... “windy petals” disrupted the flow for me. “Winded” petals or no adjective would've been fine.

    Cinccino is a young woman who travelled to many places. Many can interpret by her small height and its white scarfed fur wrapping her body, with stubby ears and a white tail. It is early spring time at her place. But it really doesn't matter for long for she holds the blood of a free spirit.
    Um... is this a gijinka story by any chance? Well I mean, after reading ahead, I can see that it's obvious they're all Pokémon, so why use the word “woman” to describe Cinccino when she's just a mature Pokémon? You're sending the wrong imagery there.

    Also, the last bolded sentence is terribly written. I don't know how to decipher that sentence. So she's a free-spirited person? Well then what does spring have to do with her having a free, perhaps adventurous spirit? What, does she not care that her fur is thick and possibly suffocating in warm climate?

    Surrounding the town is a field of white flowers with yellow innings. What a symbol it shows -- the Anima of a child’. "Nomalia's children reflect on these flowers. Every child does." she blows the flower as seems time moves fast for her; recalling wonderful moments from the past.
    Uh...

    ...symbolism?

    What... the heck does that mean? What's an “Anima”, anyway? Obviously, it's not registering on my computer as a misspelling, but even then, I don't know what it means immediately. Going into the dictionary, the definition is “soul; life”, so why did you have to go purple prose on us? There really wasn't a reason to go to the thesaurus and substitute “soul” with something like... “anima”. Even if you said “chakra”, I would've been all “Wait, what?” the first time around. Just saying “What a symbol it shows—the soul of a child” would've been much easier and gotten the point across.

    Also, judging from that lone apostrophe, it was meant to be in quotations.

    Looking behind her was her husband -- a respected species of his kind who is quite canine yet loyal to true companions. He is quite a blue bipedal canine even if he has spikes from his paws and chest. Cinccino is his loyal companion. "We're ready Cinccino. Mienshao’s got everything settled for our new journey." Lucario is the reason she get to love the beauty of the world and their mysteries.
    Okay... this was where I got confused as to whether-or-not this was just Pokémon or a gijinka. You pretty much state that Lucario is just that—a Lucario. Yet his wife, a Cinccino, is described as a young woman referred to human females. Unless you wanted to get symbolic about her maturity (which you never did bring up anyway), leave terms like “woman” and “man” alone when it comes to Pokémon.

    A-A-And how is Lucario the reason why she gets to love the beauty and mysteries of the world, exactly? Is Cinccino reflecting on this, or what? There's a thing called “show, don't tell”. We should've had his wife reflect a little on his character instead of being told by some omnipresent narrator that it's because of Lucario she loves the world. What, did she hate the world prior to meeting Lucario?

    “No problem my child. All the days that I had with you three are truly memorable.” After giving her orders to her loyal guard, Bisharp, she passed them an egg of an eerie color mixed with a load of pure white and yellow paintings randomly scattered. “Before you go, I had one more request for you my children. Come closer and see this egg.”
    Whoa-whoa-whoa, hold up here.

    Is this Serperior dying, by any chance? You keep mentioning (through some prose, mind you) that she is rather old, and no longer is she young. She's I guess the ruler of this place, right? How come it's just Mienshao, Cinccino, Lucario, and some random Bisharp guard who are at her side as she passes on? And where did she get this egg? Did she lay it herself?

    ...is this taking place in the same world as PokéPark 2, by the way? I recall there was one distinct area in the game where there was a Serperior who I suppose was the ruler of that one particular place.

    “Ain’t this thing just beautiful? Life itself is the ultimate gift to us by Arceus. Right now, it looks like my body age is saying that I must return to the planet. I knew my limits. I decided to leave this upcoming child to you.” Using her leafy tail, she placed the egg under Cinccino’s arms. As much as she wants to talk, she’s speechless.
    Now why is she giving an egg to this particular Cinccino and Lucario in the first place? What makes them so special to receive an egg from her? What, is she like the stork of the world, and this was to be their first child?

    Also, one thing I must point out is that you didn't exactly build up to the reveal of this egg being handed to this Pokémon couple. They just mention, “Let's go visit the old Serperior,” and then she's like, “Oh hey, take this egg because I enjoyed being with you particular three in all my years of living, now I must go.” Why wasn't there any mention, no matter how brief, about where this egg came from?

    “Mienshao. Guide them when they get lost. You are their strongest and understanding friend. One who knows more about the tasks ahead. I’m certain that their baby will seek wisdom from you too.”
    Uh... what? Guide them when they get lost from... what? To get home? To go on a journey? ...why are they being thrust into this journey all of a sudden? Why was this not established earlier?

    “Oh mom! I’ll miss you so much! I promise you that I will make you proud once my child grows up. I’ll be the best mother that my child will ever have!”
    ...why did Cinccino call Serperior her “mom”? Yeah, you mentioned she was like Mother Nature, but unless it was just one of her many titles as queen, it made me think she had a young Snivy or Servine there who hugged her, but was accidentally described as Cinccino.

    “Your marriage to him is the ultimate achievement you showed. I believe … this egg deems you worthy to be a mother.”

    “It’s time my children. Goodbye. I’ll always be inside your hearts.”
    As this is still dialogue from one person, there really was no need to give it two paragraphs because it wasn't long enough. Even then, you don't close it off with quotations until the very end of her dialogue in the second paragraph.

    Who knows, "If our child ends up with a Minccino, I think my sugar can relate to it. But who knows if it was my younger species? I could be its closest relative. A Riolu whose mother is a Cinccino. We can have ‘quite a tale’ years later.”
    Err... what? I know this is his inner thoughts, but... wha? Who really speaks like this? I'm getting the vibe of modern-day Olde English-speaking ways from here, and it's just really jarring. Do they all speak like this? And why? Are they old-fashioned or what?

    “Thinking about your child huh Lucas?” from her experience with Mienshao, some of the young men like her serene sense of mind and physique.
    You're mixing up species again. Just say “males” when you're referring to Pokémon.

    Just because of her lad looks doesn’t mean she can’t handle fights on her own; even if it was against Lucario. That one challenge with Lucario, as a riolu way back then, before made him flinched as how tough she was. Heck, Cinccino regretted playing arm wrestling with her while she was a Mienfoo back then and she was a Minccino too.
    ...

    Okay... um... so she has looks of a young boy, can handle fights on her own even with her husband... long ago he as a young Riolu flinched from her strength, had been a girl at one point—no wait, she knew Mienshao as a young Mienfoo and had arm-wrestled with her back then, and the young Mienfoo was also a Minccino.

    Yeah... you need to fix that up there. Reword a few phrases here and there to make it more obvious who was who in her flashback. Is this even Cinccino's flashback, or is it Lucario's?

    “You really are anticipating what your baby will be huh? Don’t forget that I’ll be your kid’s aunt. But don’t lay down the raising for me. Okay?”

    “I will.” He knew what she meant since his first friend was her.
    Wait... that was Mienshao's flashback?

    “I’m sure that we can make it well together sweetheart.” Lucas carried me along with the egg. Just being within his embrace makes her feel protected.
    Who's this “me”? Is this “me” the same “her”? Was this story originally supposed to be first-person view?

    Just like how Serperior told her story about Samurott, her knight in shining armor she fell in love as a Snivy back then.
    A-A-And why were we not told of Samurott? We only got the whole “knight in shining armor” briefly, but we weren't told of who it was.

    “Lucas, the egg! It’s hatching!” She is amazed that her child is now close to coming out.
    Uh... re-word that, please. Just say she could feel the egg move and the shell start to crack.

    “What will my child be?” Cinccino is now deep in thought as time slows down.
    If she's still speaking, don't give it its own paragraph/line.

    As the shells of the egg shatter, a soft and young voice echoes to the couple. It is a wonderful child. “It’s a … Jirachi! A young baby boy.”
    Wait, did the child tell them its species, or did the egg completely shatter away leaving the young Jirachi in Cinccino's arms all covered in egg yolk and goo?

    “Jirachi. From what Serperior told us, he is fairly small but much smaller as of now. That starry crown does look cute with the blue papers on top of each tip. His stream like wings and wing like arms seems to cover his little third eye.” Mienshao does adore her child’s adoration to his mommy.
    So... Mienshao was describing Jirachi's physical appearance from what she could remember of Serperior telling them who-knows when while Jirachi was right there in front of them?

    ...meta-humor?

    She recalled from Serperior that she once served the previous Queen Jirachi of a faraway kingdom. That time she recalls the queen kept peeking and calling to Serperior’s mind when she was still a Servine Maid.
    Okay, why weren't we given these scenes earlier instead of in flashback? That would've made this so much less confusing, and less convenient.

    After two bites, little Jirachi fell asleep out of tiredness.
    Just say “exhaustion”.

    “Cinccino. Remember the times where we used to roam around Nomalia Town before?” Lucario points out the forest.

    “I do, who knows … we could find one of the missing marks we placed on the trees.” Cinccino recalls using her own paw covered in Cheri Berry red to place a stamp on her tree.

    “I surely remember that day you got your own paw wounded. You are still a Minccino at the time.” Mienshao giggles. Oh how she wants to relive it again.

    “Hey. Don’t bug me with that. It’s like that time you whined at me for being the first one to evolve. You are still a Mienfoo at the time.” Little girls do snicker.
    Exposition, exposition, rush it out ASAP.

    Though this one makes some sense unlike the other flashbacks/expositions we kept getting about Serperior.

    “So Lucario. Where are we?” Cinccino asked while she sings a lullaby to baby Jirachi.
    Why is she just now singing a lullaby to Jirachi when he's already fast asleep? And where the heck are they going, anyway? Not once was it ever mentioned where they were supposed to go to.

    Wait … is that … a blink of light? While others enjoyed the view, something catches baby Jirachi’s attention. But what is it? The baby tried nudging but mommy felt him move.
    Gee, Mr. Narrator, I'm just as confused and lost as you are.

    Mommy and daddy are right. Jirachi just loves to be with them. And he just focused his attention to mama, papa, and the big wonderful valley.
    I think Mr. Narrator needs a break. He's forgetting he's not supposed to be speaking his own thoughts and just describe the scene for the audience who can't see what he's seeing.

    “So where should we travel next?” Cinccino asks as Lucario was flipping the map.
    Wait, he had a map?

    There he points his left arm to a nearby cave. “There is a cave if we climb down the road.” He closed the map and smiles at the baby. “Who knew Nomalia Town, our home, was on a mountaintop?”
    Uh... they lived there their whole lives... right? How did they not know they were on a mountain? As the first line of this chapter says: “Nomalia Town – found above the mountains of Manolia -- is indeed home of the blossom stars,” so obviously they should've known they were on a mountain. Are they just that oblivious to the world around them or what?

    Whatever, let's get to where they conveniently meet a rest home.

    “Well then. Come in.” the generous pokemon gave them a nice seat on a campfire with a few wall pictures . “So, who are you guys? My name is Blissey. But others call me Bliss for making others so happy.”
    How very polite of someone to say to strangers “who are you guys” when she invited them in. It should've been, “What are your names?”

    “Oh goodie! A travelling family is not what I had in mind to see!”
    Then... shouldn't it be mentioned that she's being sarcastic this whole time? How rude.

    Audino looks to Jirachi, “Ohhhh!! Aaaawwwwwhhh! You got a cute baby!” just seeing baby Chi laugh, everyone else laughed.
    “Ah ha ha ha, you just rudely insulted us to our faces, but our baby Jirachi is so adorable and laughs at everything, that we must laugh with you as well! I guess that means we can forget that you've been rude to us and be friends!”

    “Sorry about that madam. Is it okay if we could have a meal with you two?” Lucas of course does the over politeness of his. At least this shuts up Cinccino on how too zealous Lucario could be.
    But Cinccino wasn't saying anything...

    “Can anyone else help us cook our meal? We need a ‘Plusle and Minun’s pompom’ here.” As the pink chubby, bushy tailed pokemon, Mienshao giggles at that riddle. “Plusle and Minun’s Pompom”. A popular term for a ‘helping hand’.

    “Sure.” With Mienshao helping Bliss and Audino, Lucario and Cinccino are spending family time with baby Chi.
    The heck, they're having the guest help on demand after they invite strangers in to rest? Such rude Pokémon.

    “So what brings you guys down here from Nomalia?” Audino was making some Nanab soup as she applied a bit of Sitrus Juice.

    “We are travelling the world.” Mienshao on the other hand was frying some steamed Remoraid.
    “We don't know why we're traveling the world, our dying queen Serperior said so and—OH MY ARCEUS WE'RE COOKING A REMORAID'S CORPSE!”

    I remember Serperior giving me massages while I was still a minccino. I just find it relaxing as if that sense of comfortable touch removes all of the pain. Just how Serperior massaged me, I did the same thing to baby chi using a soft paw of mine; I touched his small starry forehead and applied a little press to it. It makes him happy by his cute little cries of joy. I continued doing this to my sweet little child of wonder. What a smooth pokemon he was to touch.
    Wait, what? Why did we switch to Cinccino's perspective all of a sudden? What the heck does massaging have anything to do with the scene we just had? What is going on?!

    “Can papa help you relax my child?” he whispered to him. Baby chi replied with a little nod and giggles faintly. I lead the way of massaging not only his small head but also his little arms too. His paws look so small with only three fingers with a wider arm that makes me think of wings. Plus his legs and feet are way smaller than my previous form. Going to his body, we decided that each of us split the side of our baby’s body. He took left and I took right of his little body. It makes me feel a bit funny but feeling his heartbeat gives me a soothing feeling. Until, our paws joined together on top of one another right in the middle of his belly.


    Uh... that got creepy. Did you have to describe every little thing there?

    We can see baby Jirachi falling to sleep, so we took a chance to meditate ourselves and gave each other a kiss. It really is wonderful. I’m used to be an independent girl who disliked having a family. But I learned most of the good things through Serperior. Of course I wasn't content about her wisdom at that time. Until, my first child gave me a smile and a laugh of joy, he changed everything for me. Just like how Lucario and I got married, though he evolved during our marriage kiss way back home. I just hope I don’t regret this promise.
    ...okay, I think that was pointless. What did this have to do with anything, honestly? You can't expect up to believe she had a change of heart since Jirachi hatched and they climbed down a mountain, no. I'm sure she always had a motherly feel about her, but not that quickly. Jirachi is only, what, a couple hours old at this time? And I still don't know why it is Serperior gave them a Jirachi egg to begin with.

    For our lady chefs residing over the kitchen, they began placing all of the wooden plates on the round table.
    Wait, are we still in first-person?

    Unlike an ordinary wooden bowl, a wooden plate would only come from pokemon dedicated to wooden craftsmanship. The Shiftry and Sceptile families are well known examples. Other pokemon are far from popular to in between.
    Yeah, that was pointless. I as a reader couldn't care less as to what Pokémon were into craftsmanship unless Lucario happened to be one himself and it was established at the beginning of the chapter. Obviously he's not, so I don't care about other Pokémon we're probably never going to see in this story.

    “Why are you joining on your little sister’s journey when she has someone accompanying her?” Audino asks.

    “I am her older sibling since I don’t have much to do at Nomalia town.” Mienshao admits.
    *spit take*

    Wait, they're siblings?! The heck?! How come this wasn't established in the beginning of the story when Mienshao was introduced?!

    “Oh my Gosh! They look so adorable together!” sure enough the 2 doctors squealed, not wanting to wake them both up.
    For one thing, you should always write out numbers at least below ten, or a hundred.

    Second... why are they suddenly focusing on Cinccino, Lucario, and Jirachi instead of talking to Mienshao? What's so important about these three that two doctors (which you never really established very well) are suddenly star-struck by them?

    “They remind me of our grandparent’s old mentor’s heroes!” Bliss giggles that she nearly dropped porcelain from the closet. She should be lucky Mienshao has long arms that caught it early.
    Wait, Bliss was getting porcelain? For what reason? I thought they were just getting wooden bowls and all that? Unless the porcelain had been in front of the wooden bowls and she was just putting them away or something.

    “If only we could find our destined partners someday.” Both doctors sighed in wonder.
    Um... oh goody, a distraction!

    Just as the peaceful moment lasts, a break in occurs by a monkey whose hair is on fire that tempts to burn the house down. Also, it seems to wear some yellow knuckles or armor on the joints of its body. A white body hair style wraps its legs, the upper torso, and some parts of its face. The tail, thighs, and arms are brown like colored too. But its fingers and toes are blue.

    “Oops! My bad! Sorry to disturb yo drama moment ma ladies. But this guy’s gettin hungry after having a swing outside!” The monkey said.
    “Gee, I'mma sorry ta have disturbed ya'll by breakin' into dis house of yous fer no real reason, yo.”

    ...unless he's the patient Audino was referring to? Which meant there was actual... build-up?

    *dramatic music*

    “Oh. You two are the new guests huh. What a cute lill wuzzy baby you two got-“ Until he got a paw slap from Cinccino. “OWW! MISS, did you that to me?”

    “Nononono! It wasn’t me!” Cinccino was startled as she caught this unwanted expression.
    Wow, Cinccino... just... wow. For one thing, it's been established that she can hold her own in a fight. It's apparent she's not that big of a fighter, I suppose, but the Infernape was getting in their face to look at little Jirachi, thus she slapped him. But then she denies it? Make up your mind, woman—I mean, female!

    “Ey hey blue husband. Better do something with yo-“ of course, another slap from Lucario this time. “Uhhh… WILL YOU TWO STOP-“until he received two slaps from both parents “OWWW! What did I even do to both of you? I’m just your country travelin - WhoA!” Whatever or WHOEVER WAS playing tricks with him will pay!
    Um... did this turn into the Three Stooges all of a sudden?

    Stop getting Mr. Narrator all excited, by the way.

    “YO! IF YA DON’T PUT ME DOWN NOW I MAY AS WELL MAKE A-“he fell down on the floor.

    “Ooofff!” with animated look for ‘SPLAT!!’ of course. Both parents now see the mess their baby did, though Cinccino witnessed her baby waving its arms while their interlude is flying above the house.
    So... Jirachi joined the brawl... and they immediately knew it was the baby even though not once throughout the ordeal did Cinccino ever bring up that she noticed Jirachi had been waving his little arms around to make the Infernape do whatever with his Psychic powers that he probably shouldn't have developed at this point.

    (takes deep breath)

    “There there baby chi. Calm down now. Don’t use meema to play tricks with him.” Mama said to baby chi. Baby Jirachi laughs at the sight of their guest in taters on the floor, while the two country girls are giggling at the funniest scene they ever seen.
    So wait... did Jirachi make his parents slap Infernape around?

    ...

    ...what?

    And does Jirachi think its funny he could've killed Infernape? Such a psychotic baby.

    “We’re very sorry that-“ Lucario was cut off.

    “Nape. Nape’s the name ‘cause I’m an Infernape.” Nape says it rhythmically.
    The heck? Okay... um... you better have more of this guy. Seriously. Sure, he broke into the house for no apparent reason and has a poor grip of the English language, but he's seriously the only character with an actual personality I can identify. Really.

    ”Seems ya both raising something ya don’t see evryday. Not to mention, some baby who’s playing innocent and control both o ya to make fun o me.” He was staring at the baby still laughing at him. Both Cinccino and Lucario are quite disappointed for the mess they did. Not to mention, they haven’t even educated him enough.
    Remember kids: educate your two-hour-old child not to psychically injure someone that could get them killed as it laughs in their faces.

    “I don’t blame ya so badly since you two looked too young to raise a lill critter. Let alone an elusive critter I’ve nevah seen befo.” All little Jirachi did was pout at Nape for his rap talk. “Man Imma hungreh…”
    I don't think Pokémon know anything about rap talk. It's possible Infernape just has a weird accent/poor grip on the language and that's how they interpret it, but don't call it rap talk.

    Instantly, Lucario and Cinccino learned as long as someone makes him cry, he’ll make fun of that pokemon. If only Jirachi is not so naughty.
    That's my Jirachi! *dada-da-dada-da*

    So there we go. As you can see, there are plot holes, the characters are bland except for Infernape at the very end (even though Audino is rude), having Jirachi as the couple's child for no apparent reason gives it a “Mary-Sue” feel off the bat, we have no idea why the characters are traveling the world except that Serperior told them to... it's just a mess. The tense changes disrupted the flow a bit, the sudden switch to first-person was unneeded, the body massage was creepy (I wouldn't have had an issue with it had you not described every little thing they did), the narration got over-the-top in a few places...

    Yeah, you have a lot of work to do to fix this up. I suggest getting a beta-reader.

    The one positive thing I can think of is that the premise could be interesting if you had taken the time to build up to the journey, as well as have Serperior give them a reason to instead of handing them an egg and seeing them off. I'm sure there's loads of things you could've done to make it engaging. Like you could've developed the relationship between Lucario and Cinccino a bit more to show that they are a couple who'll stick together, who love each other, and do wish for a child. I mean, why were they given an egg in the first place? Were they unable to have children of their own? Are they actually supposed to deliver the egg somewhere, and it just so happened to hatch and bond with them? And why a Jirachi egg, specifically? Mentioning a queen Jirachi doesn't count, because that was poor exposition. You could've also shown a bit more time with Queen Serperior to show that Cinccino and Mienshao had a close bond with her instead of just showing us flashbacks every other sentence. She is dying, right? She mentions she's old, and they obviously are going to be gone a long time, so she may die before they return. But why is she sending them off? And to where exactly?

    Also, you could've described the world a bit more. This is I take it an original place you made up, and it's not an exact location in any of the games, right? I want to see more of this world through a more reliable narrator who doesn't go off on tangents every now and then. I want to see characters interacting with this world in a believable manner instead of just shrugging it off like it's no big deal. They obvious never left their hometown, so this is a whole new world for them to explore. They should be getting into danger at some point. And if they do, Jirachi shouldn't have to bail them out every single time. He's a baby. Even Togepi, one of the most useless Pokémon in the anime, took some time to grow before it could use Metronome in various events—which was rare in itself. Jirachi has to be no less than two hours old. Yes, baby Pokémon are loads different from human babies, but still, even they have limitations as to what they can do.

    These questions and more are being asked because there's holes in this story. As a writer, you are to ask yourself questions as you create a new world and premise with characters you wish to develop. Until we see your finished product for the first time online, you are the only one who knows what to write about and what's going to happen. You know this world better than the readers do. Even then, you have to ask yourself various questions you know a reader will ask about in the future. And as you could see, I asked a lot of questions that shouldn't have to be answered outside of the story.

    So I suggest you get yourself a beta-reader and fix up this chapter. If you have to split it into two chapters, so be it. In fact, that should probably be the best way to do it, and have Jirachi hatch in the second chapter, as it happens in the second half of the first chapter. You spend the first chapter developing the bond between the characters and their queen, as well as filling in plotholes as to why they're going on a journey, and why they have an egg given to them directly. Then you end the chapter as they leave, and you start the next chapter with them right outside of their hometown, heading through a forest where the egg hatches, and they run into a rest home. There has to be a reason you introduced an Infernape at the end, and that he interacts a lot with Cinccino, Lucario, and Jirachi. I'm guessing he's going to travel with them, and he should so he can add some spice to the blandness of these characters. (Which I also suggest you go back and give them some distinct personalities, because they kept blending in with each other throughout the story.)

    I don't know if you're going to come back to this story or not, as you're only at the ten-percent mark on chapter two, but I'm hoping you do, and that you show some improvement. I wish you the best of luck.
    WINNER OF Best One-Shot of 2012 - Best Timeless Fic of 2012 IN THE SHIPPING OSCARS
    Current Chapter: Chapter One - 5/24/13 / Current: Last Chance - 11/3/11 - Chapter 20 progress: 50%

  8. #8
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    You know what ... after pondering through this HORRIBLY DERANGED NOVEL, I'm quitting on writing this novel as an independent PMD fanfic. It WILL BE MOVED ON MY NEW Pokemon Mystery Dungeon short stories called Goodbye human.

    My new PMD story is a collection of short stories on the PMD universe.

    Officially closed.
    Last edited by jireh the provider; 6th January 2013 at 12:57 PM.

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